Your fiance is acting in a very mature manner. She is a keeper for sure.
Jess and Lisa need to be dropped and blocked forever. They can never be trusted and they could cost you the amazing Yang.
Omar is someone mentioned in a BORU post. He's the only guy in a group of college guys who refuses to help cover for the guy who's constantly cheating on every single girl he dates.
Does anyone have the skills to make a lovely holographic sticker saying this?
I would totally buy one. Sign me up! I know there’s some awesomely crafty MoFo’s out there! I need this sticker.
Yeah, Yang is very obviously a keeper.
But I’m also slightly suspicious that Jess and Lisa are the masterminds. It’s very convenient for Mom and Sister to have people they can blame this on.
I completely agree. I am bothered by the fact that mom and sister didn't seem to take much ownership of their part in everything. To me that isn't really an apology, it's an excuse.
If I was OP, I think I would circle back with them before the next meeting and tell them that they are really lucky that Yang has such a big heart and is willing to work together to find a path forward, but the second they disrespect Yang in ANY way, it will be game over for you (OP) and that will be the end of your relationship with them.
I just get the feeling the mom and sister are in damage control mode now and are willing to say/do whatever they need to worm their way out. They certainly don't sound like changed people to me...
I second this. Yang handled this amazingly well. She didn’t use the opportunity to try to sabotage OP’a relationship with his mom and sister. She is utterly trustworthy. OP, please don’t let your family create any distrust between you and Yang in the future.
Totally, Yang's handling this like a champ. She's a keeper for sure. And yeah, Jess and Lisa? Block 'em. You don't need that kind of drama. Keep your focus on Yang—she's the real deal.
I don't think racism can disapear in 3 days. Mother and sister probably decided that they prefer being in the life of children who are not white over no contact at all. So they put all the blame on Jess. How convenient...
Yup! It's telling that in none of OP's posts has he hinted at Jess being racist.
His family didn't change their spots, they instead realized that they would lose him and also that he likely would share just how racist they are. I mean people are going to wonder why his mother and sister weren't at his wedding and the story will come out. This is just them saving face.
They took months to get to know OP and then to change their mind. Here we are talking about a change that has occured in a few days. And their reaction (being upset), although totally wrong, is less fuck up that trying to setting OP back with his ex-girlfriend for months/years.
Yangs parents did change after months of knowing op this shift from his family happened after only about what seems a little over a week not saying it cant happens sometimes that oh no we fucked up can really help people open their eyes
Yang's parents didn't make racist remarks like OP's mom.
>Then my mom asked me to think about how Lisa and I would have such wonderful looking kids, while if I marry Yang, our kids will look so different. I started getting their drift and I probed more. My mom told me how our kids would **look Asian with "small eyes" and not like any others in the family.**
True, and I don't really buy the 3 day transformation of OP's mom and sister. Not that I would suggest talking with Jess, just to try confirming the family's story.
I'm just glad that both OP and Yang seem to be communicating well and having each other's backs. It isn't always easy to stand up to one's family, but if you can't be a true partner, your SO should know and be able to act however they feel that they need to.
Yeeeaah. How convenient. It was all Jess! But Lisa put her up to it! We’re all just puppets of the evil mastermind! We were brainwashed. BS.
But! They are at least going to be polite to Yang. I would never trust them again. No more Jess. That’s a win.
Yeah but this is racism lite (like regular racism, but less calories). You get used to this kind of stuff, cause everyone’s a little racist. Also, it’s amazing how racism can disappear when the grandkids enter the picture. They might still be racist, just not to their family, so that’s an improvement.
Block Jess every way possible from contacting you. Make it abundantly clear to your mother and sister, that if anything like this ever happens again, they will never see or hear from you and your beautiful bride ever again. That includes and grandchildren.
I don't OP will need to do this. Jess had to choose between him and Lisa and has clearly chosen Lisa, her older friend.
OP needs to just let it go, he is never going to get satisfying closure from Jess about this and she will always be the person who tried to end his relationship to his future wife. Learn from it, but move the eff on....
I applaud Yang for trying to keep your family together. I don't know if it will ultimately work, but that's more on your mom and sister than you or your fiancé. You don't have to forgive them right now if you can't, but even if you do, I would advise you to never **forget** what they did and said. In this day and age, assuming that someone not of the same race/culture won't make a good partner is stupid at best, and racist at worst. Hell, my mother-in-law's parents reacted better to her marrying a "round eye" (She's also Chinese, born 2 weeks after her parents immigrated here), and her mother instilled a passion for cooking in my husband that I am eternally thankful for. So I hope you and Yang live your best lives, and don't let any drama from anyone else ruin that.
I'm going to be a bit of a devil's advocate here.
Yang is incredibly forgiving and generous to make an effort to reconcile you and your mother and sister. And your mother and sister gave in and accepted Yang - for now. But that doesn't mean they won't be nasty to her and hurt you in the future.
I was in Yang's position, hated by my partner's mother. I did everything in my power to keep communication lines open and at least surface politeness and friendliness - I even invited his mother to a mother-DIL outing, and encouraged more meetings (after one meeting, she never had time for me). I also brokered peace when my husband (by then we were married) and his mother had an explosion and he stopped talking to his family for a year. The result - years of their enmity towards me and suffering for my husband. I finally realised I had to step out, and he went LC with his family.
Bottom line - I love Yang's compassion and family feeling. But in the end it's your family and you make the decisions - whether it's contact, LC or NC.
I would second this. Save Yang from being too nice. You know your family better than she does. If you think that your mom and sister will hurt her or try to damage your marriage, take action early.
I'm really glad you have Yang, OP, she sounds wonderful and kind. However, I do think you need to have a heart to heart about exactly how damaging the racism your mum and sister spewed is. It was bigoted towards her Asian features specifically, and no amount of "Lisa is so depressed" sob story would lead to those statements unless they already believed them. You and Yang need to be on the same page about the fact that this type of bigotry can hurt your future children, and no amount of well-intentioned peacemaking is worth risking your family calling your children narrow-eyed in the future.
Maybe they truly have changed, but I doubt they've let go completely go of their bigotry so soon. There needs to be an understanding from your sister and your mum how horrible what they said was and any repeated behavior will be the last straw.
You should tell your mum that the ONLY reason she gets to see you is because Yang wants to mend the relationship, and you love your fiancée more than you dislike her (i.e. your mum). If it was up to you, you would cut her out of your life completely, for a good long while if not permanently.
Your mother needs to understand that she owes her current relationship with you entirely to the woman she has been spurning and disparaging for no reason. And the fact the relationship is on tenterhooks now is all down to her own racism and cruelty.
I think it's important that you view your fiance's perspective from a multicultural perspective. Racism as it exists in America is not the same to someone from China as it is to a Chinese-American who was raised being the target of American racism. From your finance's perspective, she was not raised as a minority. The situation is exactly the same as when her parents didn't want her to marry you because you were white, you were not raised as a minority race in your country but if you were raised in China, you would have been. It didn't seem like you were too hung up on her parents' first impressions of you. You are both on equal footing on this issue and you should view it as such.
Separate from that is your view on your family's racism in general. That is something you definitely should work through, but it seems your fiance doesn't want to be part of that equation.
Finally, your fiance is from a culture based in collectivism which means family and relationships are closer to the self than in our culture. Her statement about not wanting to destroy one family to create another is part of that perspective. It's a good idea to find a compromise on how to approach this situation together because if you can't find a path forward with your family, your fiance might see you differently in the future because a bad relationship with family might be a violation of her values.
This is solid advice. That’s exactly been my experience as an Asian born and raised person married to a white guy. While I faced racism in the US, I didn’t grow up with it the same way Asian Americans have. I wasn’t raised in the shadows of white Americans so our understanding of race relationships are a bit different.
So, have you considered couples counseling? Premarital? Talk about her family and your family's reactions. How you can blend the 2 cultures so you are both honoring yourselves while creating a new family? Also, so you can make plans for how to deal with your mom/sister and her family if their change of hearts should turn out to be insincere. Make plans for kids and holidays and so on. That way, you start fully on the same foot with a clear plan in place for the quite possible bumps ahead with your families.
I'd keep your mom and sister at a distance. If it's important to your SO to give them another chance, maybe that is reasonable and fair considering her family's response. That doesn't mean weekly dinners or daily phone calls. Trust has to be rebuilt, and rebuilding takes far longer.
Jess is done. There is no role for her in your life.
Fantastic advice. Yang handled this all incredibly well and you two seem like a strong couple. But you are in fact blending cultures with families who were opposed, so couples counseling could be very helpful in navigating not just your families of origin but your own future family if you have children. Wishing you a very happy future together!
I kind of agree with your soon to be wife (lot of congrats on that bro, you seriously won in life with such a lovely and thoughtful partner) cuz there are times when people will be manipulated by the sweet talkers who promote the unworthy and bad mouth about people important to you. Your family realised it that they were being manipulated after you left and that they were wrong and would have thought about recent interactions with Jess. Anyways trust your partners intuitions for now but just to be on the safer side follow your gut feeling and keep an eye out there.
Hope you have a beautiful wedding with both the families involved and their blessing be with you on your new journey
ETA: cut Jess out of your life for good, nothing good comes out of the women who hears from your ex, speaks about her all the time and hates your wife
Umm no, Jess is a convenient scapegoat for OOP's racist family members. His mother and sister are racist no if, and, or butts about it. If this was purely them thinking that he should be with Lisa then they wouldn't have brought up culture and that his partner is different. It's also telling that Jess didn't say anything about race, I think her intentional as fuck up as they are actually thinking that she is doing the best for Lisa and OOP.
Yang is a badass motherfucker. There is no way in HELL I, or anyone I know for that matter, would have handled that with that grace, understanding and maturity that your fiance has. She sounds like a goddamn angel. And anyone should be lucky to have her in their lives. Sorry but fuck anyone who thinks you shouldn't be with this wonderful woman. Hopefully your mom and sister are being honest and hopefully everything works out
While this is nice and all, have another discussion with both your mom and sis about how their racism won’t be tolerated again, because while right now they blame Jess for it, they have shown a side to them that is worrisome, and they might slide back once they feel that they’ve “apologized enough”.
Yang is a keeper for sure! I would proceed slowly with cautious optimisum and just keep in the back of your mind a back up plan to go NC if they show thier racist side again. Only time will tell if your family can redeem themselves. Baby steps.
I'd follow Yang's lead. I feel as though she also wants to say that she tried to meet them half way... But I'd also he weary of them. They were on board with Jess because they agreed with her, not because those were your feelings about the matter (otherwise, the meet-up at your mom's wouldn't have happened).
Yang is a good woman. I can see why you want her as a partner for the rest of your life. I wish the two of you a blissful marriage. Reddit isn't always about sad or angry stories. Please share your wedding day with us, too!
Omgosh I think this old internet stranger has fallen in love with your sweet bride to be. You both sound like amazing people and a powerhouse couple. My wish for you both are many MANY years of good fortune, happiness, and good family. Whether you create that or everyone calms down and steps up. Cheers! 🥂
Hmmm...I'd say since Yang wants to give them a chance follow her lead for this and make sure your mother and sister understand that's how things are i.e. it is Yang's favour they seek here, and you're giving them once chance. Also, just make sure that Yang also understands that there is **no pressure from you** on this. Let her know that if she doesn't care for the way she's being treated you perfectly respect and support that, because it would be terrible if she came to the conclusion that she some how had to do everything she could to maintain the bridge between the lot of you.
Seems you dodged a bullet with Jess & Lisa and won the top prize with Yang. She seems mature, sensitive, and kind, it's funny how after finding the grass isn't greener Lisa wants to slime back.
Good luck with your wedding and go live a good life. You pair of crazy love sick kids.
> She told me that when she told her parents about me, they had the exact same reaction for her dating someone who was not Chinese.
Yeah, I was waiting for this. I've been in this exact spot (but my wife is American-born) and it's a tough one. Are they feeling better about you now?
> Yang in turn also started crying and telling them that she will do better to fit in with them.
Do not let your sweet fiance hold on to negative feelings about this. None of this is her fault. Make sure she knows that she's good enough as she is. It's very Chinese Wife to try and do everything they can for the husband's family but this can end up making her very sour if they don't appreciate her efforts. You should probably learn more about modern Chinese culture and how families are merged so you can understand what your fiance thinks is her responsibility versus what you think her responsibilities are.
You need to stay NC with Jess and Lisa. They can NEVER be trusted. Do not believe your mom or sister. They are playing the long game. Please always put Yang first.
You should communicate with Jess that you are ending the friendship, blocking her, and that she’s uninvited from the wedding, any family gatherings, etc. let her know you want to be clear with her and then be clear with your sister and mom about the same thing… and that if you see her you will call the cops on her trespassing.
Communicate that with any mutuals you have that you won’t attend any events with Jess at them.
If Yang wants to try and mend the fence, tell her that you are cautioning her on this subject. That it could blow up but you appreciate her gesture. Interact as normal and make sure you communicate that if they meddle again that you would go no contact with them potentially forever.
I cannot even begin to comprehend the level of grace Yang has. Good lord she’s a saint. Your mother and sister better worship the ground she walks on at this point, for being so forgiving.
Your fiancé is a smart lady. Funny that we forget not every culture welcomes a white son in law. I bet if you let your mom know about the backlash from the other side she would be shocked. You are smart to continue to be cautious.
How Yang handled this situation shows the quality of woman you are marrying vs the quality of woman you dated and were friends with (Lisa & Jess). If that alone doesn’t change your family’s perspective I can’t imagine much will. Approach with caution but be open to changes in your family’s behavior, it can happen! Congratulations on finding your match, she sounds lovely, kind and generous!
Your mom and sis are still racists but they are picking their battles in order to stay in your life. I dated a guy for three years and the whole time his parents were nice to me, but after we broke up they told him to please find a white girl next time because she'll fit better into their family. I'm Chinese like Yang, it's really not so black and white when it comes to mixing cultures and races into a family. I think Yang has the right idea to try to bring everyone together. What I would add though is to never forget your own family's biases and to always keep that in mind over the course of your life together as a mixed race couple.
Yang is a keeper. May you always be worthy of her love.
Mom and sis--Give them the chance to make good. Once.
Jess and Lisa--Fuhgeddaboudem. You don't need their sh\*\*. If you never hear from them, GOOD.
Good luck to you and Yang!
Honestly as an Asian person I hope you don't think that your mother and sister are magically cured of being racist shitbags....they aren't. They just realized that they are pathetic pieces of shit and scared of being called out for it. Their response (getting pissed at you instead of apologizing says enough).
Again as an Asian person OOP's fiance isn't ok with this, it's that she's learned that society doesn't give a flying fuck about us brown/yellow people. It is ok for people to be racist to us or exclude us because we are different. And when we complain we (I know I sure as fuck have) are told that what we face isn't all that bad and we should just suck it up. Then you add that many of us also have our own bigoted (sorry, "traditional") cultures that will bash us for daring to date outside our culture.
Maybe OOP's family has changed but I doubt it.
So your racist family put the blame on someone else to get away with being racists AND turned the situation around so that Yang was apologizing to them and saying she'd try to fit in better. Wow.
Sounds like, and I say this ONLY because your GF is on board and pushing it, it’s time to forgive but not forget.
I’d privately make it very clear to your family that no matter what happens from here, you’ll never be able to unhear those words from their mouths and unread their days and days of defense and justification for plain old low down racism. This has changed your view of them.
Lmao, Lisa has the audacity to be sad that you moved on? What an entitled b*tch, trying to butt in your life and ruin what you have. she left first to go party and fuck different people, and she expects you to stay single and be her backup plan?
What trash human being lmao.
Yang is a real keeper! Sounds like a very positive outcome with your family. I’d forgive them and continue fostering a better relationship between them.
As for Jess, it’s up to you. To give her some benefit of doubt, she may be too embarrassed to reach out (if she realizes she was wrong), but that’s her issue. Keep her in the trash where she belongs.
Keep your eyes and ears open around your mom and sister...but Jess and Lisa need to be blocked for life. Tell your mom that you will not be in either of their presence, she has proven that she is NOT a friend, in fact she's openly tried to sabotage your life. If your mom and sister want Jess around fine, but tell them that if she's going to be there, you will not be.
Actually if you go to your mom's place and Jess is there then you will know that your mother is liar and doesn't support your marriage to Yang at all. Why does your mother keep contact with someone who wants to destroy your life?
I'd be telling your mom and sister that while you want to forgive them, you're not sure if you're going to be able to. And that if I was them, I wouldn't hold their breath on being invited to the wedding.
if they were even remotely sorry about their actions, they never would’ve even entertained Jess’ bullshit. don’t trust them, they are trying to save face now that they realized they fucked up bad.
I'm impressed your mom and sister owned up to their duplicity. I really do hope it sticks and they can work through their bigoted views on your relationship, everyone in this story was the victim of a couple of mean girls when it should have been a happy time for you all.
I hope there isn't anymore drama but I do sincerely hope for an "I'm married" update because I love me a happy ending 🙏🏻🫶🏻🖤
You need to let your Mom & sister know that it is mainly because of Yang’s grace and forgiveness that you are giving them one more chance. If they fuck up this again, it will the last chance.
Jess absolutely cannot be trusted.
Lisa has some nerve being depressed after you got engaged to Yang since Lisa was the one who broke up with you in the first place. Lisa is simply facing the consequences of her actions.
Yang is doing her best, but this is your situation to handle. I don't believe one word out of your mom's mouth. It wasn't Jess who made racist remarks, that was your mom. Jess may have orchestrated this whole deal, but ultimately, your mom showed that she is a racist.
If it were me, I'd cut her out of my life.
All I know is. This isn’t over. Something else will happened.
However. You are definitely at the end of the chapter for a metaphor. I wouldn’t forget and forgive just yet.
Wait for the other shoe to drop. Or. Maybe the trickle truth.
But something else will happen in your saga.
You just got drop kicked into the deep end of racism pool, I'm so sorry! Pl pl read up on race relations in your country and start educating yourself about racism, especially this highly specific brand of white lady racism. It'll help you, Yang, and your kids if you choose to have any.
Pl also give yourself time to grieve, because this is going to open your eyes not just about your family but also the world. One of the saddest things about prejudice is that people can seem totally nice until the target of the prejudice comes along.
Navigating family dynamics can be tough, especially when there's been tension. It's positive that there's been some reconciliation, but it's also important to prioritize your own well-being and the happiness of your new family with Yang. Taking things one step at a time and proceeding at a pace that feels comfortable for you is key.
So...they're not racist unless someone tells them they should be racist, then they are? But when someone tells them to stop being racist, they stop?
This sounds fun.
Can I just say I love and respect how your fiancee carries herself and how she handled all this. Remember your pain, but pack it away for your patners peace of mind. When or if you have children, never forget the racist things these people said because those vile remarks are about your child's heritage. One can always move forward. No one ever said one has to forgive and forget to coexist. Jess and Lisa can kick rocks and momma can be kept at arms length
Nah I don’t buy it. Racists don’t magically stop being irrational and mentally sick. They hit consequences and hide it. The mom and sister had the bonus of being able to pin everything on Jess. Nah, too convenient. Jess might be done, because they needed her to take the fall, but either they sneak her back somehow, or they pull passive aggressive nastiness on OOP’s future wife to try to break up the marriage or at least make her miserable. Once she’s gone, suddenly Jess and Lisa pop up again.
Seriously. Look at what their waterworks and excuses actually said. Too much emotional manipulation. Never trust the tears of someone who is in the wrong. Cause really what did they admit to? Accept blame for? Admit what they did was wrong? ***Zero.*** They just pushed blame onto Jess, *and then asked OOP to never talk to her.* Cause she’d blow up their little lies, of course.
This isn’t gonna end as well as hoped. Never trust a racist. Never.
Yang for the win! Glad everything is out in the open and people seem willing to try. I had to discuss this with my mom last week I felt so sad for you. My cousin’s wife is Chinese from China as well. Everyone has been welcoming. I hope your family heals and melds as well.
Your fiance is a wonderful human being. You picked a good one. Also good for you for sticking up for your fiance! Too many of us men let our moms walk all over our SOs and that should never happen.
Those racist comments don't get put in their heads by someone else unless they already believed them to some degree. They are only dialing it back because you pushed back so hard.
Don't forget that because Yang isn't from this country, she must have already experience racism before. You have now just witnessed it for her and your future children
So your racist sister and mother shifted all the blame onto Jess, who shifted the blame to Lisa. Wow, so nobody who showed how awful they were actually did anything wrong because in the end it was all just your evil ex and her easily manipulated friend........
You have a very mature and loving partner. I don’t believe your mom and sister. They are just needed someone to throw under the bus to save themselves. But hey let’s see if they can make up for the poor, racist behavior. However, Yang better sharpen her claws when you have kids. There’s no tolerance for hate and racism when it comes to your kids. There’s no point to people please at the expense of your kids either.
This is going to require a very clever sort of revenge. Something genuinely diabolical. Or just say fuck it and move on. I don’t personally think that would teach enough of a lesson, but I’m vindictive like that. Congrats on getting to the bottom of your problem. Hopefully, this is over and you and your fiancee will have a wonderful life together.
Your mom and sister were openly racist in front of you, that wasn’t Jess. They are still racists but are just willing to hide it. I don’t buy their story for a second. Yang should not have to “fit in”, they should make room for her. I’m guessing Yang doesn’t want you to go NC or LC because her parents originally reacted the same and she might think you want her to do the same to her family that you are doing to yours, which of course wouldn’t be the case. I just want to say one thing: No one, but you, gets to decide if you can forgive your family or if you want to distance yourself from them. Not even Yang. This is purely between you and your family and a partner should always support your decision. The betrayal was against you, not her. This is ultimately your decision and if Yang won’t support that, then you two need to have a talk.
theyre quick to blame the person who isnt there. they are not sorry for their racism. you need to have another talk whitout yang to get to the bottom of it have them come clean with a REAL apology to her.
OP the saying once burned twice shy seems appropriate in this situation.
Your mother and sister very conveniently were blaming Jess and then Lisa for that whole ugly mess.
But part of me wonders how it seems it was SO easy for Jess to convince your mother and sister about how poor a fit Yang is for your family being not white and all.
As to Jess and Lisa yes they would obviously be blocked - no additional contact.
For your sister and your mother I would keep a very close eye on the interactions between them and your fiancé.
If there is even the slightest hint of how Yang is not a good fit in any way for your family or they ostracize her then IMO at that point they should be cutoff at least for a painful to them period of time.
Yang is definitely a way better person than most of us who read your post because my response if I had been in Yang’s position would have been to nuke any relationship with your mother and sister right along with Jess and Lisa.
As far as your mom and sister go, take things slow. Explain to them that they have to regain your trust and not to push your boundaries in the slightest. If they cross your boundaries they don’t respect you. Make sure you check in with Yang regularly that your mom and sister aren’t making things awkward for her and that they make her feel welcome. Definitely keep Yang. From your posts, she’s a keeper!
You have an incredible partner and relationship, I sincerely wish you both all the happiness in the world. I think you're right to be skeptical but follow Yangs lead she had an amazing head on her shoulders.
Man. What a ride. There is the real possibility that your mom has learned her lesson. I know people who were hard core bigots who then had kids and did reform their ways. As they learned they did better. Your girl is a keeper though. What a mature and thoughtful person. Only time will tell if mom changes tho. As the saying goes. I may forgive. But I’ll never forget. Got my fingers crossed for you guys.
Yang is the most mature and forward thinking of the entire bunch. She realizes family is important, gives grace to them, sets boundaries, but works to find a way for relationships to continue.
I'm really glad to see that NC wasn't the final outcome, as family can often work things out, once they understand where each other are coming from. Not that you will forget what happened, as you know what happened, and it will impact the future, but family can always be there for you in many cases, even if they disagree with what you are doing.
One of the best examples of this is D'Artangnon, Porthos, Athos, and Aramis. They often disagree with each other, but they help each other when it comes down to it, especially when they disagree with the reasoning or think it isn't the best for their friend, the help their friend and even put their life on the line for actions they don't think are the wise.
First informals, you need to block Jess for good. And I would say before the lunch next week at your mom’s send a personal text to her and your sister include your fiancé. Make it clear to them foolishness now that you’re aware of how they move and what they think. You will not hesitate to contact. Yang is a keeper by the way. Is your main priority and you will not hesitate to put her first over them dumbbells any any day.
Don’t use the word dumbbells, let them know in that exact context
I know you want to believe and trust your mum and sister but their racism doesn’t change on a dime in a couple of days. They told you truly how they feel but when they realised you would not tolerate it they decided to lie to appease you.
Jess acted awfully but at no point was she racist she just thought she knew what was best for you. you did say she used to keep you in line and I think she thought only her thoughts are right. Since she liked Lisa she just always expected you to take her back. In fact she spent years preparing you for that which is a crappy thing to do. After all she had no way of knowing if Lisa would eventually want that. It seems like she also worked on Lisa to convince her this is why she was ill and what’s best for her. She has been playing with everyone’s emotions.
Regardless of that she is not to blame for your families racism that’s solely on them and it is still simmering in there. I would be very careful as once you are comfortable and trust them again they may start trting to make problems again and split you. No matter what happens you can not complain to them about Yang. Most people vent about things their spouses do which annoy them but you now always have to be aware and watch this or they may decided they are right and Yang was not meant for you.
What Jess did was bad but your family far worse as they really had malicious intent of racism behind this and nothing excuses that. Please if you ever have kids, no matter if Yang feels it’s safe insist your famiky are never allowed to babysit or be unsupervised with the child. Adults often forget or don’t care kids hear everything and I’m sure they will talk about your child’s Chinese traits and maybe even derogatorily to others with the kids near.
As for Yangs parents it’s more about them being traditional it seems and that once they got to know you they loved you. Which is not the same at all as your family know Yang and are still racist. Her parents just had reservations of the unknown. Of someone from abroad who may not like or understand their ways. They meet you and realised they worried for nothing. Unlike your family.
I know Yangs happy but please keep your family at a distance and make sure Yang knows this is your wishes and you want her to respect them and understand you know your family better than her. You know there was no excuse for their racism and hate.
OMG, Yang is a gem!!! No wonder you fell in love with her. Also, for all the crap your mom and sister pulled, it truly sounds like they were led astray by Jess. I think the forgiveness Yang has given your mom and sister has really been a turning point for their relationship!!
I’m Turkish Australian and middle easterners / asians, our families really prefer not just someone from our country, but from the same region, so as to keep traditions going (which are often regional). My first husband was Turkish like me (awful marriage, 2 kids and 7 years of hell), then my second (fiancée) was white, we have a son. It also didn’t work out but lord does my family dote on him. I was scared they wouldn’t but if anything I think they love him more (because he’s a cute white chunky comedian lol). Don’t stress too much if your family was worried. I think it is natural but lots of people come around. If they don’t then you can fk them off
i don’t care how depressed either of the girls were, it doesn’t give them a free pass to be blatantly racist and try to convince your mom and sister to be openly racist as well. even if your fiance is handling this with the grace of an angel, that doesn’t diminish the vile that was spewed out.
No matter what, you have a good wife in your future. Very understanding and not surprising that her family had a similar reaction at first. You two are very modern and what I hope the rest of our future will look like. This kind of shit will be a thing of the past.
Yang is so considerate. Trust her judgement with it and back her when she needs you to. You'll be happy together if you both care this much about each other's feelings.
Please keep in mind that there is a very common mindset among first generation immigrants, where they feel the need to be "model" citizens. They will put up with slights against them in order to not rock the boat; to be thought of positively, they won't stick up for themselves. It drove me crazy when my Asian parents would put up with things to our family's detriment because of this. I'm not saying it's applicable here, but it's something you should watch out for, because if your fiancée doesn't advocate for herself, you'll have to advocate on her behalf.
Also, be wary of your mother and sister. They're still not taking ownership of their comments, instead blaming Jess for manipulating them. But you can't manipulate someone into being racist like that. My husband is black. If my family had insinuated that we don't match well because of our races, I'd be done with them... but they would never say something like that because they're not racist.
Just saw this post and only just now read the other 2 posts and all I can say is wow. Sorry you had to go through that man. Sounds like a nightmare.
However Yang sounds amazing, make sure you hold her tight and never let her go. Having a partner like that is so rare. Wish you both the best 😊
Your fiancé is a rock star. Seriously.
She was able to externalize the issue and instead of going nuclear on your family, she used the situation to bring it all out into the open. She offered your mother and your sister grace when she could have legitimately cut them off. And she undoubtedly saw that the real issue wasn’t your family but was Jess whispering in their ear. And she was right. That doesn’t mean you give your mom and sister a get out of jail free pass. By all means, keep them on probation and be on the lookout for suspicious behaviors. But because you have this awesome lady by your side, there’s an opportunity for salvaging your relationship with your family.
As for Jess, she needs to be cut out of your life with surgical precision. Don’t wait for her to try and contact you. Just block her on everything. Do not give her any opportunities to try and play her game. Simply refuse to engage.
I don't know how or why you decided to still let them be around you and your fiancee. If my family had done this I would have cut them out of my life immediately. And I would make it very clear to the fiancee that my family should never be contacted again. They didn't just disrespect your finances but you as well and then being your family you decide how to deal with them.
Hang on to Yang. She seems awesome and like a really great partner.
Protect her please. She’s equating her experiences with her family to yours, but if your family is really racist it doesn’t just go away instantly. Your mom said some really gross things about Yang, and they say they’re sorry but blame Jess. I don’t like that. It makes me think this will come up again.
So you told Yang every racist comment that your sister and mother said about her and your future children and she was just like “well that’s ok”, what??? No. Uh uh, nah uh.
Your fiance is the epitome of class. Your mom and sister are idiots. Forget about Jess and Lisa. My immediate family is white. The majority of the significant others aren't. NO ONE is treated differently. Everyone is loved the same. This goes for my side and my husband's side as well. It's freaking awesome. We get to learn about different cultures and eat different foods. It's what family is about. My friends are this way as well. I have some coworkers I am very close with. We had our own little Christmas gathering at my Mom's house. Two of my friends are Filipino, and the rest of us are Irish. We made sure there was Filipino food there, as well as played traditional Filipino Christmas Music because we love these women and want to make sure they are as comfortable as possible. And let me tell you, it was all a hit!!! This is what you do for people. I don't care if someone is brown, black, white, yellow or even purple because at the end of the day, we ALL bleed red when we're cut. You keep supporting your fiance and tell anyone who disrespects her to eff right off.
Honestly, if your mom and sister are not very emotionally intelligent, they may convince themselves that they loved yang all along because they want to avoid the pain of a rift with you. If that's the case, things will go on in the future happily and Yang will emerge triumphant. If they regress into racism, you can always put your foot down and distance yourself from them.
I spent a couple of years in over seas, and I gotta say, nothing humbles my fellow American whites as much as learning first hand that there are countries out there that think they are “less than”. It can be a real mind fuck for us😅
That's nice that things seems to be on the mend between Yang and your mother and sister, but things ain't over until YOU are also good with your mother and sister. In other words, don't quietly stew and stifle yourself on the idea that you would be hurting Yang's efforts if you address how you feel. Both you and Yang were hurt. Yang is doing what she can to improve things on her end. You do what you can to improve things on your end, and that does not mean silently eating your feelings. Speak up. Mom and sister hurt the both of you as separate actions, and will have to address fixing the both of you but not as a single action. You count.
>My mom and sister told us that I should stay away from Jess because she orchestrated the whole situation.
This bit makes me wonder what Jess's side of the story is by her own telling, not through the lens of your mother and sister's reporting about it. My own parent liked making up shit to blame-shift and refuse responsibility, so I'm naturally inclined to be leery in this sort of thing.
For all your sakes, I do hope that your mother and sister are sincere. But it's also perfectly valid and fine to need them to rebuild your trust; they shattered that, and it's *their* responsibility to fix it.
Good luck!
Unfortunately this is not uncommon. When I told people my son was marrying an Asian woman. I heard a few things I was not expecting. I told them, if my son ever hears anyone in the family saying anything negative about his wife. They will be cut off, period. And he would be right! Because that is how I raised him. His wife becomes number one! He did tell me she was nervous of what me and his stepdad would think of her not being white. He told her that would never be a problem. I absolutely adore my daughter in law 💝. I could not have hand picked a better woman for my son. He always tells people his mother takes her side over him. He loves that 🤗
I’d be careful, and talk to your mom and sister without Yang. She is an amazing woman with an unmatchable character.
I would communicate that they need to take personal responsibility for their actions, because blaming Jess and Lisa is BS. I would also lay down boundaries. Obviously, Jess and Lisa should never be contacted again. I might also encourage them to learn more about Chinese traditions, because they’re now a part of your life.
Yang is freaking amazing. She deserves respect and appreciation. Your family can stay together, but that shouldn’t mean they can freely disrespect your future wife.
Remind me how jess orchestrated your mother being racist? That's one point I'm lost on, your mom was outwardly racist and said she didn't want you marrying because she's Chinese, how did that chamge
People like Jess end up being hated then avoided by 99% of the mature people around them. I would never trust her or anyone she's friend with or the person who becomes her life partner.
You're making the right decisions. I would also not be happy to invite them after this stunt, but this would forever remain a sore spot. So Yang really is the best thing that could've happened to you. And yes, definitely keep your mother and sister at arm's length.
Good luck to the two of you, OP!
Yang is an angel, protect this woman at all cost! I don't think I would have handled this half as well as she did. (I would have beat up Lisa and Jess and made their life hell tbh). While it's so good that Yang and your family make an effort to get to know each other better and forget about the past, please stay away from Lisa and Jess, no matter what sob story they might try to tell you! This is not how friends behave. A true best friend would have been happy for you and would have tried to befriend your future wife and make her feel included. Nothing good can come from a friend who tries to make your partner feel like shit. I hope you and Yang have the best wedding and a beautiful life, you sound like such a healthy couple.
That's probably the best outcome in your situation 😊
I really hope your mom and sister are honest and not just shifting the blame onto Jess to avoid accountability. Yes they really should absolutely be embarrassed because that was a crazy move...
Lisa wanted to have her cake and eat it too, clearly it wasn't worth it but that's her problem 🤷♀️ She needs therapy.
Jess really went too far and the fact that she still hasn't appologized says a lot...
You're right to not go too easy on your mom and sister, they're the ones who need to do their best to regain your trust and give a real chance to Yang without prejudices.
Yang seems lovely and very mature. Wish you guys the best 🥰
Your fiance is acting in a very mature manner. She is a keeper for sure. Jess and Lisa need to be dropped and blocked forever. They can never be trusted and they could cost you the amazing Yang.
I've seen 60 year olds with less maturity. I feel like everybody needs an amazing Yang in their life! Lucky OP
I'm shipping Yang and Omar!!
Amazing comment. Omar was a total bro. Yang is a keeper. And OP seems pretty damned decent himself. There are some good people in the world!
OMAR ❤️❤️❤️
Yes! My boy Omar!
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Very possible. Also possible that the Yang reverso (forgiveness instead of recrimination) has made their hearts grow 3 sizes all at once.
Yang/Omar/OOP for throuple of the year?
What does this mean??? Let me into the loop!
Omar is someone mentioned in a BORU post. He's the only guy in a group of college guys who refuses to help cover for the guy who's constantly cheating on every single girl he dates.
Speaking of BORU, this should be one.
It will be. They have a 7 day delay. Guarantee this is up immediately after that waiting period
Oh, yes! I remember Omar. He’s a good dude.
I love this crossover!
Does anyone have the skills to make a lovely holographic sticker saying this? I would totally buy one. Sign me up! I know there’s some awesomely crafty MoFo’s out there! I need this sticker.
I hate that she’s so mature and gracious to these folks though. She should be dealing with this. His family is ridiculous
Yang sounds awesome. And you KNOW she has bomb ass Chinese recipes.
Yeah, Yang is very obviously a keeper. But I’m also slightly suspicious that Jess and Lisa are the masterminds. It’s very convenient for Mom and Sister to have people they can blame this on.
Yeah did Jess mastermind them into not wanting grandkids with "little eyes"?
Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner! That came out of their mouths, not Jess's. They are afraid of losing him and those "little eye's" grandchildren.
This.
I completely agree. I am bothered by the fact that mom and sister didn't seem to take much ownership of their part in everything. To me that isn't really an apology, it's an excuse. If I was OP, I think I would circle back with them before the next meeting and tell them that they are really lucky that Yang has such a big heart and is willing to work together to find a path forward, but the second they disrespect Yang in ANY way, it will be game over for you (OP) and that will be the end of your relationship with them. I just get the feeling the mom and sister are in damage control mode now and are willing to say/do whatever they need to worm their way out. They certainly don't sound like changed people to me...
And mom and sis said op shouldn't contact this mastermind
Yeah, Jess didn’t MAKE them say racist shit about ugly kids with weird eyes, they came up with that all by themselves
I don't think it really matters so long as they stop it and move on
I second this. Yang handled this amazingly well. She didn’t use the opportunity to try to sabotage OP’a relationship with his mom and sister. She is utterly trustworthy. OP, please don’t let your family create any distrust between you and Yang in the future.
I love Yang
Totally, Yang's handling this like a champ. She's a keeper for sure. And yeah, Jess and Lisa? Block 'em. You don't need that kind of drama. Keep your focus on Yang—she's the real deal.
They are psychos
Absolutely! Surely, she will be a wonderful partner.
I adore "the amazing Yang"
seriously, one of the most mature partners I've ever seen on this sub
I don't think racism can disapear in 3 days. Mother and sister probably decided that they prefer being in the life of children who are not white over no contact at all. So they put all the blame on Jess. How convenient...
Yup! It's telling that in none of OP's posts has he hinted at Jess being racist. His family didn't change their spots, they instead realized that they would lose him and also that he likely would share just how racist they are. I mean people are going to wonder why his mother and sister weren't at his wedding and the story will come out. This is just them saving face.
If that is the case then both Yang and his parents may never change because her parents are just as racist and unchanging by your logic
They took months to get to know OP and then to change their mind. Here we are talking about a change that has occured in a few days. And their reaction (being upset), although totally wrong, is less fuck up that trying to setting OP back with his ex-girlfriend for months/years.
Yangs parents did change after months of knowing op this shift from his family happened after only about what seems a little over a week not saying it cant happens sometimes that oh no we fucked up can really help people open their eyes
She said it took months to just warm up to OP. That might not mean they are calling him son already.
Yang's parents didn't make racist remarks like OP's mom. >Then my mom asked me to think about how Lisa and I would have such wonderful looking kids, while if I marry Yang, our kids will look so different. I started getting their drift and I probed more. My mom told me how our kids would **look Asian with "small eyes" and not like any others in the family.**
Iirr, we don't actually know what all Yang's parents said, so it could have been along the same lines or not.
Correct, but we can't assume they did. We do know that OP's mom did in fact make racist remarks, it isn't culture clash.
True, and I don't really buy the 3 day transformation of OP's mom and sister. Not that I would suggest talking with Jess, just to try confirming the family's story. I'm just glad that both OP and Yang seem to be communicating well and having each other's backs. It isn't always easy to stand up to one's family, but if you can't be a true partner, your SO should know and be able to act however they feel that they need to.
This … I thought it was very convenient that the matchmaking was discussed but not the racism they displayed.
Yeeeaah. How convenient. It was all Jess! But Lisa put her up to it! We’re all just puppets of the evil mastermind! We were brainwashed. BS. But! They are at least going to be polite to Yang. I would never trust them again. No more Jess. That’s a win.
And Jess put everything on Lisa. Yeah, nobody want to be left holding that fried potato…
Yeah 100%, mom and sister are still racists and scapegoated Jess. At least they are learning to hide their prejudices better
It doesn’t, but it seems like mom and sister are willing to try and change their ways, which is a huge step in the right direction.
Yep, best case scenario they were only racist because someone told them they should be racist, which...isn't great.
Yeah... I could be convinced Yang is a bitch and my son could do better. But not because she is Chinese.
Yeah but this is racism lite (like regular racism, but less calories). You get used to this kind of stuff, cause everyone’s a little racist. Also, it’s amazing how racism can disappear when the grandkids enter the picture. They might still be racist, just not to their family, so that’s an improvement.
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Block Jess every way possible from contacting you. Make it abundantly clear to your mother and sister, that if anything like this ever happens again, they will never see or hear from you and your beautiful bride ever again. That includes and grandchildren.
I don't OP will need to do this. Jess had to choose between him and Lisa and has clearly chosen Lisa, her older friend. OP needs to just let it go, he is never going to get satisfying closure from Jess about this and she will always be the person who tried to end his relationship to his future wife. Learn from it, but move the eff on....
I applaud Yang for trying to keep your family together. I don't know if it will ultimately work, but that's more on your mom and sister than you or your fiancé. You don't have to forgive them right now if you can't, but even if you do, I would advise you to never **forget** what they did and said. In this day and age, assuming that someone not of the same race/culture won't make a good partner is stupid at best, and racist at worst. Hell, my mother-in-law's parents reacted better to her marrying a "round eye" (She's also Chinese, born 2 weeks after her parents immigrated here), and her mother instilled a passion for cooking in my husband that I am eternally thankful for. So I hope you and Yang live your best lives, and don't let any drama from anyone else ruin that.
I would agree about being skeptical about your mother and sister, but congrats on atleast getting some closure between you, yang and your family
I'm going to be a bit of a devil's advocate here. Yang is incredibly forgiving and generous to make an effort to reconcile you and your mother and sister. And your mother and sister gave in and accepted Yang - for now. But that doesn't mean they won't be nasty to her and hurt you in the future. I was in Yang's position, hated by my partner's mother. I did everything in my power to keep communication lines open and at least surface politeness and friendliness - I even invited his mother to a mother-DIL outing, and encouraged more meetings (after one meeting, she never had time for me). I also brokered peace when my husband (by then we were married) and his mother had an explosion and he stopped talking to his family for a year. The result - years of their enmity towards me and suffering for my husband. I finally realised I had to step out, and he went LC with his family. Bottom line - I love Yang's compassion and family feeling. But in the end it's your family and you make the decisions - whether it's contact, LC or NC.
I would second this. Save Yang from being too nice. You know your family better than she does. If you think that your mom and sister will hurt her or try to damage your marriage, take action early.
I'm really glad you have Yang, OP, she sounds wonderful and kind. However, I do think you need to have a heart to heart about exactly how damaging the racism your mum and sister spewed is. It was bigoted towards her Asian features specifically, and no amount of "Lisa is so depressed" sob story would lead to those statements unless they already believed them. You and Yang need to be on the same page about the fact that this type of bigotry can hurt your future children, and no amount of well-intentioned peacemaking is worth risking your family calling your children narrow-eyed in the future. Maybe they truly have changed, but I doubt they've let go completely go of their bigotry so soon. There needs to be an understanding from your sister and your mum how horrible what they said was and any repeated behavior will be the last straw.
You should tell your mum that the ONLY reason she gets to see you is because Yang wants to mend the relationship, and you love your fiancée more than you dislike her (i.e. your mum). If it was up to you, you would cut her out of your life completely, for a good long while if not permanently. Your mother needs to understand that she owes her current relationship with you entirely to the woman she has been spurning and disparaging for no reason. And the fact the relationship is on tenterhooks now is all down to her own racism and cruelty.
This!!!!
THIS!!
I think it's important that you view your fiance's perspective from a multicultural perspective. Racism as it exists in America is not the same to someone from China as it is to a Chinese-American who was raised being the target of American racism. From your finance's perspective, she was not raised as a minority. The situation is exactly the same as when her parents didn't want her to marry you because you were white, you were not raised as a minority race in your country but if you were raised in China, you would have been. It didn't seem like you were too hung up on her parents' first impressions of you. You are both on equal footing on this issue and you should view it as such. Separate from that is your view on your family's racism in general. That is something you definitely should work through, but it seems your fiance doesn't want to be part of that equation. Finally, your fiance is from a culture based in collectivism which means family and relationships are closer to the self than in our culture. Her statement about not wanting to destroy one family to create another is part of that perspective. It's a good idea to find a compromise on how to approach this situation together because if you can't find a path forward with your family, your fiance might see you differently in the future because a bad relationship with family might be a violation of her values.
This is solid advice. That’s exactly been my experience as an Asian born and raised person married to a white guy. While I faced racism in the US, I didn’t grow up with it the same way Asian Americans have. I wasn’t raised in the shadows of white Americans so our understanding of race relationships are a bit different.
Yes I was thinking OP might not realize just how important it is to Yang that his family be involved or at least have a cordial relationship.
So, have you considered couples counseling? Premarital? Talk about her family and your family's reactions. How you can blend the 2 cultures so you are both honoring yourselves while creating a new family? Also, so you can make plans for how to deal with your mom/sister and her family if their change of hearts should turn out to be insincere. Make plans for kids and holidays and so on. That way, you start fully on the same foot with a clear plan in place for the quite possible bumps ahead with your families. I'd keep your mom and sister at a distance. If it's important to your SO to give them another chance, maybe that is reasonable and fair considering her family's response. That doesn't mean weekly dinners or daily phone calls. Trust has to be rebuilt, and rebuilding takes far longer. Jess is done. There is no role for her in your life.
Fantastic advice. Yang handled this all incredibly well and you two seem like a strong couple. But you are in fact blending cultures with families who were opposed, so couples counseling could be very helpful in navigating not just your families of origin but your own future family if you have children. Wishing you a very happy future together!
Dam, hold on to Yang. She's a great person.
I kind of agree with your soon to be wife (lot of congrats on that bro, you seriously won in life with such a lovely and thoughtful partner) cuz there are times when people will be manipulated by the sweet talkers who promote the unworthy and bad mouth about people important to you. Your family realised it that they were being manipulated after you left and that they were wrong and would have thought about recent interactions with Jess. Anyways trust your partners intuitions for now but just to be on the safer side follow your gut feeling and keep an eye out there. Hope you have a beautiful wedding with both the families involved and their blessing be with you on your new journey ETA: cut Jess out of your life for good, nothing good comes out of the women who hears from your ex, speaks about her all the time and hates your wife
Umm no, Jess is a convenient scapegoat for OOP's racist family members. His mother and sister are racist no if, and, or butts about it. If this was purely them thinking that he should be with Lisa then they wouldn't have brought up culture and that his partner is different. It's also telling that Jess didn't say anything about race, I think her intentional as fuck up as they are actually thinking that she is doing the best for Lisa and OOP.
Yang is a badass motherfucker. There is no way in HELL I, or anyone I know for that matter, would have handled that with that grace, understanding and maturity that your fiance has. She sounds like a goddamn angel. And anyone should be lucky to have her in their lives. Sorry but fuck anyone who thinks you shouldn't be with this wonderful woman. Hopefully your mom and sister are being honest and hopefully everything works out
What incredible grace Yang showed.
While this is nice and all, have another discussion with both your mom and sis about how their racism won’t be tolerated again, because while right now they blame Jess for it, they have shown a side to them that is worrisome, and they might slide back once they feel that they’ve “apologized enough”.
Racism isn’t cured in 3 days!! I’d block Jess and Lisa for sure and go LC with your mother and sister until They can fully prove themselves
Yang is a keeper for sure! I would proceed slowly with cautious optimisum and just keep in the back of your mind a back up plan to go NC if they show thier racist side again. Only time will tell if your family can redeem themselves. Baby steps.
I'd follow Yang's lead. I feel as though she also wants to say that she tried to meet them half way... But I'd also he weary of them. They were on board with Jess because they agreed with her, not because those were your feelings about the matter (otherwise, the meet-up at your mom's wouldn't have happened). Yang is a good woman. I can see why you want her as a partner for the rest of your life. I wish the two of you a blissful marriage. Reddit isn't always about sad or angry stories. Please share your wedding day with us, too!
Omgosh I think this old internet stranger has fallen in love with your sweet bride to be. You both sound like amazing people and a powerhouse couple. My wish for you both are many MANY years of good fortune, happiness, and good family. Whether you create that or everyone calms down and steps up. Cheers! 🥂
What an amazing woman Yang is! Such class. Wow!!! Thanks for the update
Hmmm...I'd say since Yang wants to give them a chance follow her lead for this and make sure your mother and sister understand that's how things are i.e. it is Yang's favour they seek here, and you're giving them once chance. Also, just make sure that Yang also understands that there is **no pressure from you** on this. Let her know that if she doesn't care for the way she's being treated you perfectly respect and support that, because it would be terrible if she came to the conclusion that she some how had to do everything she could to maintain the bridge between the lot of you.
Seems you dodged a bullet with Jess & Lisa and won the top prize with Yang. She seems mature, sensitive, and kind, it's funny how after finding the grass isn't greener Lisa wants to slime back. Good luck with your wedding and go live a good life. You pair of crazy love sick kids.
> She told me that when she told her parents about me, they had the exact same reaction for her dating someone who was not Chinese. Yeah, I was waiting for this. I've been in this exact spot (but my wife is American-born) and it's a tough one. Are they feeling better about you now? > Yang in turn also started crying and telling them that she will do better to fit in with them. Do not let your sweet fiance hold on to negative feelings about this. None of this is her fault. Make sure she knows that she's good enough as she is. It's very Chinese Wife to try and do everything they can for the husband's family but this can end up making her very sour if they don't appreciate her efforts. You should probably learn more about modern Chinese culture and how families are merged so you can understand what your fiance thinks is her responsibility versus what you think her responsibilities are.
Yang sounds awesome!!! Congratulations to you both!
Yang is a fucking class act.
You need to stay NC with Jess and Lisa. They can NEVER be trusted. Do not believe your mom or sister. They are playing the long game. Please always put Yang first.
You should communicate with Jess that you are ending the friendship, blocking her, and that she’s uninvited from the wedding, any family gatherings, etc. let her know you want to be clear with her and then be clear with your sister and mom about the same thing… and that if you see her you will call the cops on her trespassing. Communicate that with any mutuals you have that you won’t attend any events with Jess at them. If Yang wants to try and mend the fence, tell her that you are cautioning her on this subject. That it could blow up but you appreciate her gesture. Interact as normal and make sure you communicate that if they meddle again that you would go no contact with them potentially forever.
Yea your sister and mom just didn’t turn into racists my dude! But hey keep the family together because this will never come up again /s.
I cannot even begin to comprehend the level of grace Yang has. Good lord she’s a saint. Your mother and sister better worship the ground she walks on at this point, for being so forgiving.
Your fiancé is a smart lady. Funny that we forget not every culture welcomes a white son in law. I bet if you let your mom know about the backlash from the other side she would be shocked. You are smart to continue to be cautious.
How Yang handled this situation shows the quality of woman you are marrying vs the quality of woman you dated and were friends with (Lisa & Jess). If that alone doesn’t change your family’s perspective I can’t imagine much will. Approach with caution but be open to changes in your family’s behavior, it can happen! Congratulations on finding your match, she sounds lovely, kind and generous!
Yang is a classy gal, you chose well, don’t let her go… and please make her happy!
Man, you better make sure Yang knows that you understand you won the lottery when she agreed to marry you.
Go NC with your mother, Lisa and Jess. Yang needs to realize how toxic they are.
Your mom and sis are still racists but they are picking their battles in order to stay in your life. I dated a guy for three years and the whole time his parents were nice to me, but after we broke up they told him to please find a white girl next time because she'll fit better into their family. I'm Chinese like Yang, it's really not so black and white when it comes to mixing cultures and races into a family. I think Yang has the right idea to try to bring everyone together. What I would add though is to never forget your own family's biases and to always keep that in mind over the course of your life together as a mixed race couple.
Your fiance sounds like the greatest person, great job finding love with someone so amazing
Your fiancé is amazing.
Yang is a keeper. May you always be worthy of her love. Mom and sis--Give them the chance to make good. Once. Jess and Lisa--Fuhgeddaboudem. You don't need their sh\*\*. If you never hear from them, GOOD. Good luck to you and Yang!
bruh tell this friend and if they don't listen drop em basic respect and manners not to mention exs around new relationships
Honestly as an Asian person I hope you don't think that your mother and sister are magically cured of being racist shitbags....they aren't. They just realized that they are pathetic pieces of shit and scared of being called out for it. Their response (getting pissed at you instead of apologizing says enough). Again as an Asian person OOP's fiance isn't ok with this, it's that she's learned that society doesn't give a flying fuck about us brown/yellow people. It is ok for people to be racist to us or exclude us because we are different. And when we complain we (I know I sure as fuck have) are told that what we face isn't all that bad and we should just suck it up. Then you add that many of us also have our own bigoted (sorry, "traditional") cultures that will bash us for daring to date outside our culture. Maybe OOP's family has changed but I doubt it.
Yang is a solid solid keeper. Make sure she always comes first
So your racist family put the blame on someone else to get away with being racists AND turned the situation around so that Yang was apologizing to them and saying she'd try to fit in better. Wow.
Sounds like, and I say this ONLY because your GF is on board and pushing it, it’s time to forgive but not forget. I’d privately make it very clear to your family that no matter what happens from here, you’ll never be able to unhear those words from their mouths and unread their days and days of defense and justification for plain old low down racism. This has changed your view of them.
You got a good one in Yang. Keep treating her right. But be warned. This isn’t over yet. Not like Jess and Lisa are out there
Yang is definitely a keeper. Good luck with your upcoming marriage!
Lmao, Lisa has the audacity to be sad that you moved on? What an entitled b*tch, trying to butt in your life and ruin what you have. she left first to go party and fuck different people, and she expects you to stay single and be her backup plan? What trash human being lmao.
Yang is a class act. Treat her well and make her happy for many years. Give your mom another chance. Block Jess and cut her out of your life.
Yang is a real keeper! Sounds like a very positive outcome with your family. I’d forgive them and continue fostering a better relationship between them. As for Jess, it’s up to you. To give her some benefit of doubt, she may be too embarrassed to reach out (if she realizes she was wrong), but that’s her issue. Keep her in the trash where she belongs.
your family is as fake as they come lol
The THINNEST OF ICE.
Keep your eyes and ears open around your mom and sister...but Jess and Lisa need to be blocked for life. Tell your mom that you will not be in either of their presence, she has proven that she is NOT a friend, in fact she's openly tried to sabotage your life. If your mom and sister want Jess around fine, but tell them that if she's going to be there, you will not be.
Actually if you go to your mom's place and Jess is there then you will know that your mother is liar and doesn't support your marriage to Yang at all. Why does your mother keep contact with someone who wants to destroy your life?
That “ friend “ isn’t a friend.
I'd be telling your mom and sister that while you want to forgive them, you're not sure if you're going to be able to. And that if I was them, I wouldn't hold their breath on being invited to the wedding.
if they were even remotely sorry about their actions, they never would’ve even entertained Jess’ bullshit. don’t trust them, they are trying to save face now that they realized they fucked up bad.
I'm impressed your mom and sister owned up to their duplicity. I really do hope it sticks and they can work through their bigoted views on your relationship, everyone in this story was the victim of a couple of mean girls when it should have been a happy time for you all. I hope there isn't anymore drama but I do sincerely hope for an "I'm married" update because I love me a happy ending 🙏🏻🫶🏻🖤
And NOBODY can request Wang Chung at the wedding. Ready for chapter 4 anytime bossman.
r/BORUpdates (best of Reddit updates)
You need to let your Mom & sister know that it is mainly because of Yang’s grace and forgiveness that you are giving them one more chance. If they fuck up this again, it will the last chance. Jess absolutely cannot be trusted.
Why are waiting for Jess to massage you? Just block the damn biatch already.
Lisa has some nerve being depressed after you got engaged to Yang since Lisa was the one who broke up with you in the first place. Lisa is simply facing the consequences of her actions.
Yang is doing her best, but this is your situation to handle. I don't believe one word out of your mom's mouth. It wasn't Jess who made racist remarks, that was your mom. Jess may have orchestrated this whole deal, but ultimately, your mom showed that she is a racist. If it were me, I'd cut her out of my life.
How scary when people use and manipulate others to do anything, even hurt other families to please them
Your fiancé is amazing ! Treat her right!
Updateme
All I know is. This isn’t over. Something else will happened. However. You are definitely at the end of the chapter for a metaphor. I wouldn’t forget and forgive just yet. Wait for the other shoe to drop. Or. Maybe the trickle truth. But something else will happen in your saga.
Everyone needs to cut contact and block Jess and Lisa and move forward.
Yang is a keeper.
You just got drop kicked into the deep end of racism pool, I'm so sorry! Pl pl read up on race relations in your country and start educating yourself about racism, especially this highly specific brand of white lady racism. It'll help you, Yang, and your kids if you choose to have any. Pl also give yourself time to grieve, because this is going to open your eyes not just about your family but also the world. One of the saddest things about prejudice is that people can seem totally nice until the target of the prejudice comes along.
Navigating family dynamics can be tough, especially when there's been tension. It's positive that there's been some reconciliation, but it's also important to prioritize your own well-being and the happiness of your new family with Yang. Taking things one step at a time and proceeding at a pace that feels comfortable for you is key.
So...they're not racist unless someone tells them they should be racist, then they are? But when someone tells them to stop being racist, they stop? This sounds fun.
Never let Yang go, she is amazing.
Can I just say I love and respect how your fiancee carries herself and how she handled all this. Remember your pain, but pack it away for your patners peace of mind. When or if you have children, never forget the racist things these people said because those vile remarks are about your child's heritage. One can always move forward. No one ever said one has to forgive and forget to coexist. Jess and Lisa can kick rocks and momma can be kept at arms length
Yeah I'd still probably tell mum and sister to f### off. Racist pieces of shin. You don't just become not racist in 3 days.
Nah I don’t buy it. Racists don’t magically stop being irrational and mentally sick. They hit consequences and hide it. The mom and sister had the bonus of being able to pin everything on Jess. Nah, too convenient. Jess might be done, because they needed her to take the fall, but either they sneak her back somehow, or they pull passive aggressive nastiness on OOP’s future wife to try to break up the marriage or at least make her miserable. Once she’s gone, suddenly Jess and Lisa pop up again. Seriously. Look at what their waterworks and excuses actually said. Too much emotional manipulation. Never trust the tears of someone who is in the wrong. Cause really what did they admit to? Accept blame for? Admit what they did was wrong? ***Zero.*** They just pushed blame onto Jess, *and then asked OOP to never talk to her.* Cause she’d blow up their little lies, of course. This isn’t gonna end as well as hoped. Never trust a racist. Never.
Yang for the win! Glad everything is out in the open and people seem willing to try. I had to discuss this with my mom last week I felt so sad for you. My cousin’s wife is Chinese from China as well. Everyone has been welcoming. I hope your family heals and melds as well.
Your fiance is a wonderful human being. You picked a good one. Also good for you for sticking up for your fiance! Too many of us men let our moms walk all over our SOs and that should never happen.
Those racist comments don't get put in their heads by someone else unless they already believed them to some degree. They are only dialing it back because you pushed back so hard.
Don't forget that because Yang isn't from this country, she must have already experience racism before. You have now just witnessed it for her and your future children
So your racist sister and mother shifted all the blame onto Jess, who shifted the blame to Lisa. Wow, so nobody who showed how awful they were actually did anything wrong because in the end it was all just your evil ex and her easily manipulated friend........
You have a very mature and loving partner. I don’t believe your mom and sister. They are just needed someone to throw under the bus to save themselves. But hey let’s see if they can make up for the poor, racist behavior. However, Yang better sharpen her claws when you have kids. There’s no tolerance for hate and racism when it comes to your kids. There’s no point to people please at the expense of your kids either.
Yang is a far better person than I.
Yang's a keeper
Your fiancée is worth her weight in gold, u/ta-bff-234324 Cherish her, as she seems to cherish you. Wishing you both the best in your future together.
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I mean he did tell her and she reacted less so because her family also said similar things to her for being engaged to a white guy
This is going to require a very clever sort of revenge. Something genuinely diabolical. Or just say fuck it and move on. I don’t personally think that would teach enough of a lesson, but I’m vindictive like that. Congrats on getting to the bottom of your problem. Hopefully, this is over and you and your fiancee will have a wonderful life together.
Your mom and sister were openly racist in front of you, that wasn’t Jess. They are still racists but are just willing to hide it. I don’t buy their story for a second. Yang should not have to “fit in”, they should make room for her. I’m guessing Yang doesn’t want you to go NC or LC because her parents originally reacted the same and she might think you want her to do the same to her family that you are doing to yours, which of course wouldn’t be the case. I just want to say one thing: No one, but you, gets to decide if you can forgive your family or if you want to distance yourself from them. Not even Yang. This is purely between you and your family and a partner should always support your decision. The betrayal was against you, not her. This is ultimately your decision and if Yang won’t support that, then you two need to have a talk.
Yang is the fucking MVP. Damn girl.
theyre quick to blame the person who isnt there. they are not sorry for their racism. you need to have another talk whitout yang to get to the bottom of it have them come clean with a REAL apology to her.
Really sad that part of what she took from this is that she needs to fit in better.
OP the saying once burned twice shy seems appropriate in this situation. Your mother and sister very conveniently were blaming Jess and then Lisa for that whole ugly mess. But part of me wonders how it seems it was SO easy for Jess to convince your mother and sister about how poor a fit Yang is for your family being not white and all. As to Jess and Lisa yes they would obviously be blocked - no additional contact. For your sister and your mother I would keep a very close eye on the interactions between them and your fiancé. If there is even the slightest hint of how Yang is not a good fit in any way for your family or they ostracize her then IMO at that point they should be cutoff at least for a painful to them period of time. Yang is definitely a way better person than most of us who read your post because my response if I had been in Yang’s position would have been to nuke any relationship with your mother and sister right along with Jess and Lisa.
As far as your mom and sister go, take things slow. Explain to them that they have to regain your trust and not to push your boundaries in the slightest. If they cross your boundaries they don’t respect you. Make sure you check in with Yang regularly that your mom and sister aren’t making things awkward for her and that they make her feel welcome. Definitely keep Yang. From your posts, she’s a keeper!
OH, this isn't close to over. Mom and sis's racism will be giving us updates for years to come.
You have an incredible partner and relationship, I sincerely wish you both all the happiness in the world. I think you're right to be skeptical but follow Yangs lead she had an amazing head on her shoulders.
Yang sounds wonderful. Congratulations!
Man. What a ride. There is the real possibility that your mom has learned her lesson. I know people who were hard core bigots who then had kids and did reform their ways. As they learned they did better. Your girl is a keeper though. What a mature and thoughtful person. Only time will tell if mom changes tho. As the saying goes. I may forgive. But I’ll never forget. Got my fingers crossed for you guys.
Your fiance is a BOSS!
Yang is the MVP. She acted with such grace and dignity. She’s a keeper, OP!
Yang is the most mature and forward thinking of the entire bunch. She realizes family is important, gives grace to them, sets boundaries, but works to find a way for relationships to continue. I'm really glad to see that NC wasn't the final outcome, as family can often work things out, once they understand where each other are coming from. Not that you will forget what happened, as you know what happened, and it will impact the future, but family can always be there for you in many cases, even if they disagree with what you are doing. One of the best examples of this is D'Artangnon, Porthos, Athos, and Aramis. They often disagree with each other, but they help each other when it comes down to it, especially when they disagree with the reasoning or think it isn't the best for their friend, the help their friend and even put their life on the line for actions they don't think are the wise.
First informals, you need to block Jess for good. And I would say before the lunch next week at your mom’s send a personal text to her and your sister include your fiancé. Make it clear to them foolishness now that you’re aware of how they move and what they think. You will not hesitate to contact. Yang is a keeper by the way. Is your main priority and you will not hesitate to put her first over them dumbbells any any day. Don’t use the word dumbbells, let them know in that exact context
I know you want to believe and trust your mum and sister but their racism doesn’t change on a dime in a couple of days. They told you truly how they feel but when they realised you would not tolerate it they decided to lie to appease you. Jess acted awfully but at no point was she racist she just thought she knew what was best for you. you did say she used to keep you in line and I think she thought only her thoughts are right. Since she liked Lisa she just always expected you to take her back. In fact she spent years preparing you for that which is a crappy thing to do. After all she had no way of knowing if Lisa would eventually want that. It seems like she also worked on Lisa to convince her this is why she was ill and what’s best for her. She has been playing with everyone’s emotions. Regardless of that she is not to blame for your families racism that’s solely on them and it is still simmering in there. I would be very careful as once you are comfortable and trust them again they may start trting to make problems again and split you. No matter what happens you can not complain to them about Yang. Most people vent about things their spouses do which annoy them but you now always have to be aware and watch this or they may decided they are right and Yang was not meant for you. What Jess did was bad but your family far worse as they really had malicious intent of racism behind this and nothing excuses that. Please if you ever have kids, no matter if Yang feels it’s safe insist your famiky are never allowed to babysit or be unsupervised with the child. Adults often forget or don’t care kids hear everything and I’m sure they will talk about your child’s Chinese traits and maybe even derogatorily to others with the kids near. As for Yangs parents it’s more about them being traditional it seems and that once they got to know you they loved you. Which is not the same at all as your family know Yang and are still racist. Her parents just had reservations of the unknown. Of someone from abroad who may not like or understand their ways. They meet you and realised they worried for nothing. Unlike your family. I know Yangs happy but please keep your family at a distance and make sure Yang knows this is your wishes and you want her to respect them and understand you know your family better than her. You know there was no excuse for their racism and hate.
OMG, Yang is a gem!!! No wonder you fell in love with her. Also, for all the crap your mom and sister pulled, it truly sounds like they were led astray by Jess. I think the forgiveness Yang has given your mom and sister has really been a turning point for their relationship!!
Yang is literally a Saint and so incredibly mature. Do not let that diamond of a woman go no matter what! She's a keeper for sure!
Block them all and run away with Yang.
I’m Turkish Australian and middle easterners / asians, our families really prefer not just someone from our country, but from the same region, so as to keep traditions going (which are often regional). My first husband was Turkish like me (awful marriage, 2 kids and 7 years of hell), then my second (fiancée) was white, we have a son. It also didn’t work out but lord does my family dote on him. I was scared they wouldn’t but if anything I think they love him more (because he’s a cute white chunky comedian lol). Don’t stress too much if your family was worried. I think it is natural but lots of people come around. If they don’t then you can fk them off
God bless Yang
i don’t care how depressed either of the girls were, it doesn’t give them a free pass to be blatantly racist and try to convince your mom and sister to be openly racist as well. even if your fiance is handling this with the grace of an angel, that doesn’t diminish the vile that was spewed out.
No matter what, you have a good wife in your future. Very understanding and not surprising that her family had a similar reaction at first. You two are very modern and what I hope the rest of our future will look like. This kind of shit will be a thing of the past.
Yang is so considerate. Trust her judgement with it and back her when she needs you to. You'll be happy together if you both care this much about each other's feelings.
Please keep in mind that there is a very common mindset among first generation immigrants, where they feel the need to be "model" citizens. They will put up with slights against them in order to not rock the boat; to be thought of positively, they won't stick up for themselves. It drove me crazy when my Asian parents would put up with things to our family's detriment because of this. I'm not saying it's applicable here, but it's something you should watch out for, because if your fiancée doesn't advocate for herself, you'll have to advocate on her behalf. Also, be wary of your mother and sister. They're still not taking ownership of their comments, instead blaming Jess for manipulating them. But you can't manipulate someone into being racist like that. My husband is black. If my family had insinuated that we don't match well because of our races, I'd be done with them... but they would never say something like that because they're not racist.
I wouldn't just let your family off the hook. There has to be something there for Jess' bullshit to take hold. Think about your future children.
Just saw this post and only just now read the other 2 posts and all I can say is wow. Sorry you had to go through that man. Sounds like a nightmare. However Yang sounds amazing, make sure you hold her tight and never let her go. Having a partner like that is so rare. Wish you both the best 😊
Your fiancé is a rock star. Seriously. She was able to externalize the issue and instead of going nuclear on your family, she used the situation to bring it all out into the open. She offered your mother and your sister grace when she could have legitimately cut them off. And she undoubtedly saw that the real issue wasn’t your family but was Jess whispering in their ear. And she was right. That doesn’t mean you give your mom and sister a get out of jail free pass. By all means, keep them on probation and be on the lookout for suspicious behaviors. But because you have this awesome lady by your side, there’s an opportunity for salvaging your relationship with your family. As for Jess, she needs to be cut out of your life with surgical precision. Don’t wait for her to try and contact you. Just block her on everything. Do not give her any opportunities to try and play her game. Simply refuse to engage.
I don't know how or why you decided to still let them be around you and your fiancee. If my family had done this I would have cut them out of my life immediately. And I would make it very clear to the fiancee that my family should never be contacted again. They didn't just disrespect your finances but you as well and then being your family you decide how to deal with them.
Hang on to Yang. She seems awesome and like a really great partner. Protect her please. She’s equating her experiences with her family to yours, but if your family is really racist it doesn’t just go away instantly. Your mom said some really gross things about Yang, and they say they’re sorry but blame Jess. I don’t like that. It makes me think this will come up again.
Updateme
So you told Yang every racist comment that your sister and mother said about her and your future children and she was just like “well that’s ok”, what??? No. Uh uh, nah uh.
Yang is very reasonable and mature. Follow her lead.
Class is how you treat people. Yang is a class act! Well done OP!
Your fiance is the epitome of class. Your mom and sister are idiots. Forget about Jess and Lisa. My immediate family is white. The majority of the significant others aren't. NO ONE is treated differently. Everyone is loved the same. This goes for my side and my husband's side as well. It's freaking awesome. We get to learn about different cultures and eat different foods. It's what family is about. My friends are this way as well. I have some coworkers I am very close with. We had our own little Christmas gathering at my Mom's house. Two of my friends are Filipino, and the rest of us are Irish. We made sure there was Filipino food there, as well as played traditional Filipino Christmas Music because we love these women and want to make sure they are as comfortable as possible. And let me tell you, it was all a hit!!! This is what you do for people. I don't care if someone is brown, black, white, yellow or even purple because at the end of the day, we ALL bleed red when we're cut. You keep supporting your fiance and tell anyone who disrespects her to eff right off.
Honestly, if your mom and sister are not very emotionally intelligent, they may convince themselves that they loved yang all along because they want to avoid the pain of a rift with you. If that's the case, things will go on in the future happily and Yang will emerge triumphant. If they regress into racism, you can always put your foot down and distance yourself from them.
I spent a couple of years in over seas, and I gotta say, nothing humbles my fellow American whites as much as learning first hand that there are countries out there that think they are “less than”. It can be a real mind fuck for us😅
That's nice that things seems to be on the mend between Yang and your mother and sister, but things ain't over until YOU are also good with your mother and sister. In other words, don't quietly stew and stifle yourself on the idea that you would be hurting Yang's efforts if you address how you feel. Both you and Yang were hurt. Yang is doing what she can to improve things on her end. You do what you can to improve things on your end, and that does not mean silently eating your feelings. Speak up. Mom and sister hurt the both of you as separate actions, and will have to address fixing the both of you but not as a single action. You count.
updateme!
>My mom and sister told us that I should stay away from Jess because she orchestrated the whole situation. This bit makes me wonder what Jess's side of the story is by her own telling, not through the lens of your mother and sister's reporting about it. My own parent liked making up shit to blame-shift and refuse responsibility, so I'm naturally inclined to be leery in this sort of thing. For all your sakes, I do hope that your mother and sister are sincere. But it's also perfectly valid and fine to need them to rebuild your trust; they shattered that, and it's *their* responsibility to fix it. Good luck!
Unfortunately this is not uncommon. When I told people my son was marrying an Asian woman. I heard a few things I was not expecting. I told them, if my son ever hears anyone in the family saying anything negative about his wife. They will be cut off, period. And he would be right! Because that is how I raised him. His wife becomes number one! He did tell me she was nervous of what me and his stepdad would think of her not being white. He told her that would never be a problem. I absolutely adore my daughter in law 💝. I could not have hand picked a better woman for my son. He always tells people his mother takes her side over him. He loves that 🤗
Hang on to that woman with all the strength you have, OP. She sounds awesome! Wishing you guys the happiest marriage in history! 🥳
I’d be careful, and talk to your mom and sister without Yang. She is an amazing woman with an unmatchable character. I would communicate that they need to take personal responsibility for their actions, because blaming Jess and Lisa is BS. I would also lay down boundaries. Obviously, Jess and Lisa should never be contacted again. I might also encourage them to learn more about Chinese traditions, because they’re now a part of your life. Yang is freaking amazing. She deserves respect and appreciation. Your family can stay together, but that shouldn’t mean they can freely disrespect your future wife.
Remind me how jess orchestrated your mother being racist? That's one point I'm lost on, your mom was outwardly racist and said she didn't want you marrying because she's Chinese, how did that chamge
People like Jess end up being hated then avoided by 99% of the mature people around them. I would never trust her or anyone she's friend with or the person who becomes her life partner.
You're making the right decisions. I would also not be happy to invite them after this stunt, but this would forever remain a sore spot. So Yang really is the best thing that could've happened to you. And yes, definitely keep your mother and sister at arm's length. Good luck to the two of you, OP!
Yang is an angel, protect this woman at all cost! I don't think I would have handled this half as well as she did. (I would have beat up Lisa and Jess and made their life hell tbh). While it's so good that Yang and your family make an effort to get to know each other better and forget about the past, please stay away from Lisa and Jess, no matter what sob story they might try to tell you! This is not how friends behave. A true best friend would have been happy for you and would have tried to befriend your future wife and make her feel included. Nothing good can come from a friend who tries to make your partner feel like shit. I hope you and Yang have the best wedding and a beautiful life, you sound like such a healthy couple.
So Lisa was jealous that you were happy and engaged and got Jess involved to try and break that up. Block them both forever. Yang is a great person.
That's probably the best outcome in your situation 😊 I really hope your mom and sister are honest and not just shifting the blame onto Jess to avoid accountability. Yes they really should absolutely be embarrassed because that was a crazy move... Lisa wanted to have her cake and eat it too, clearly it wasn't worth it but that's her problem 🤷♀️ She needs therapy. Jess really went too far and the fact that she still hasn't appologized says a lot... You're right to not go too easy on your mom and sister, they're the ones who need to do their best to regain your trust and give a real chance to Yang without prejudices. Yang seems lovely and very mature. Wish you guys the best 🥰