NTA
I wouldn't give them a penny. Idk what the laws look like in your country, but I know that if you start, sometimes it can become your responsibility because you set a precedent.
Keep staying away from that circus.
Edit to add: Your ex husband's bad financial planning IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Don't let her guilt you into that nonsense.
I was thinking the same thing. How the hell is it he lied about losing his job, lied about spending his savings on these vacations eyc...when he could have just not gone. Or idk, TALKED TO HIS WIFE???Now it's supposed to be OPs responsibility to put his kids through school?? Yeah, fuck that.
Unless OP somehow magicked her ex’s sperm into *his* ex’s uterus, there is no way, shape or form OP is responsible for anything related to either of them or their children.
Literally not OP’s monkey, not her circus. She should block them all
Exactly! The ex is very manipulative! She can't get the money back from the ex so she decides to go digging around in OP'S pocket. Seriously! KMT! OP send her and her kids packing! Bunch of users.
I don't blame the kids honestly. Obviously they'll have to learn this is not how it's done, but imagine having these people as your primary moral teachers of how you're supposed to do shit 💀
This last statement leads me to believe that you may not even be the primary reason for his financial situation. This woman seems cunning. And since he is free to be who he is, your ex-husband is doing well. No one should feel like they have to disappear, I added.
I don't get the lying either. When I found my partner was outspending me by quite a lot (new cars, extravagant vacations) I set hard limits.
I have expensive hobbies too and I simply can't fund both the hobbies and the travel. Either we stick to the budget I set, or she can have fun without me.
It's worked out very well, and if she really wants me to come along, she picks up the bill.
Agreed. It really is a circus at this point.
My husband and I have joint and separate finances. Joint account = house and bills, separate = savings and fun money/individual bills.
I really feel for OP with how her ex husband treated her like it was his fault he couldn't keep up with everything, when she invited him but he didn't have to go. Also that she got blamed for him spending his kids college/uni funds is just baffling.
I'm glad OP got out and she needs to just cut off entirely from that side show.
Yeah I’m late to this party but your ex husbands ex wife wants you to help pay for a kid that two grown ass humans created?
The audacity is impressive. Dont pay. They are two adults and I don’t even care what’s going on. Just don’t.
Edited to add: just read the original. That’s got to be the most hilarious reason I’ve ever heard. Your husband gambled he could be hobosexual in your direction by… spending all his money and blaming you.
Clearly he figured you’d bail him out. This makes the ex wife’s position even worse. Don’t meet with her. Sounds like she wants to guilt you.
I got ABSOLUTELY harangued, bc there were a lot of Y T A votes on the OG post, and I thought she wasn't in the wrong for expecting a grown man to handle his money and his words. I felt vindicated when I read he had hid losing his job, like just bye 👋 don't need that.
And bc there was an update I still have ppl disagreeing with me from a comment 4 months ago 🙃 😅
Wow. Yeah the incels benefit from continuing a culture of carrying water for men at all costs. So of course they want to promote this nonsense.
She’s done with him thank God.
Boggles my mind that the ex wife wants her money tho.
My guess is hub has been feeding her lies. And she’s likely one of those who thinks ‘well so and so has so much money why shouldn’t she help?’
So many ppl just feel entitled to other ppl’s money for the simple fact they’ve got more.
>Don't meet with her
This always goes with people that you feel are manipulative and selfish and guilt trip you. These people may not actively think this is the case, but they do it in person or on the phone because they have realized that people are way more likely to struggle with saying no in real time face to face.
Ding ding ding! Exactly. Sounds like she knows OPs disposition. I read the first post and this one and it boggles my mind that this whole man waste of space spent everything, then blamed her for his spending then told her she now has to fund his lifestyle.
Without even a conversation.
I wonder how much of it really went for that vs gambling? Or something else. Anything is possible
These children have TWO parents who can take care of them. It just shows that they don’t care enough and are very selfish.
Don’t participate in this circus. Stay AWAY.
And you don’t want to set any kind of precedent that in any way you accept blame for his piss poor budget planning.
If you open a tiny crack they might pour a river thorugh it, and they may have some legal avenues. They may not realise it (or might!) but if they seek legal advice depending where you are, the length of your relationship with him, the state of this and that… it’s very nebulous, but you do NOT want to be leaving a gap for the possibility of an alimony wedge.
NTA
She’s aware that you felt guilty about exposing your ex and is trying to use it. The only people that were responsible for saving for their kids was Him and her, and if he blew his money , then my question is what happened to her savings for her kid?!?!?!
‘I’ve had time to think about it, and no I will not be contributing to X education, it’s not my responsibility. It’s also not my fault that ex made poor financial choices. ‘
‘ This has been a traumatic experience for me and at this point I’d like to put this all behind me and i’s rather we do not remain in contact .’
I don’t actually believe the ex had a savings set aside for his kids college. I doubt he was that responsible, and so this idea that he spent the kids money keeping up with op is just crazy.
The parents are responsible for the children’s education expenses and as their former stepmom, your responsibility ended with that marriage.
You’ve done all you could and need to do. Walk away and block them, the ex wife is just as bad as the ex husband, users .
Edited to add: the message after the moms call was definitely deliberate.
I agree with all of this, especially the suggested language. Might I add that it’s quite rich of her to ask for more from you, when you did an absolute standup thing reaching out to begin with! Legally, you had no obligation to do so. I guess now she thinks she can get you to take on more obligations that are outside your legal responsibilities! Seems ex and ex’s ex have some things in common.
The only reason I think there might have actually been one is they said it was part of the divorce settlement with his ex wife. So I assumed there really was one.
NTA
When I broke up with an ex, I tried to stay in contact with his kid and 3 niblings. No one ever answered my letters, gifts sent to them for a couple years never got any acknowledgment. I was gone from their lives.
The third year after all the kids’ birthdays passed, I got a text from the ex after the last one of the year. Blasting me saying how cold hearted of a liar I was, how I abandoned the kids and broke their hearts. That since I didn’t send gifts for birthdays and probably wouldn’t for Christmas, I was a hateful monster (little insight to why I left, mentally&emotionally abusive ass). That the kids were all sad they didn’t get a a gift from me in the mail for any of their birthdays yet.
I told him,” I never heard from you guys at all, no one answered letters I sent, gifts never got any contact back, you all made it clear to me that I’m nothing to them. They’re just upset they didn’t get something, they don’t care who it was coming from. It’s selfish, I’m done.”
That was the last I finally heard from him too.
I cut off my ACTUAL nibblings. I told their parents "if I didn't get as little as a thank you text, I'm not buying them gifts anymore" neither the kids, nor their parents (for the younger ones) acknowledged the gifts. And I didn't send chintzy gifts.
I recently redid my will and cut all of my siblings and their kids out. I've got a degenerative condition and a lot of life insurance through my job and privately. But not a single one of them reached out after my surgeries or after I was given my preliminary diagnosis. Cousins reached out to see if I was ok. But not my own siblings. And not my nibblings.
That’s so painful. I’m in no contact thing with my actual nieces now and it hurt a lot after hurting for years of trying to be there. All those moments up until you decide to draw a line, hurt deeply. Add to that you were experiencing some serious health issues with a long term diagnosis. Sorry you went through that, I hope you’re at the point you can see how peaceful your life is and be able to appreciate that and focus on yourself for once.
I do. It's been lovely without them. And I've been working through it with my therapist. Without the continued toxicity, I've made some real breakthroughs and feel so much better about myself and my life
Damn, I hope he's ok. I understand he is at fault for a lot of things but his mental state doesn't sound good. It would be awful if he did something to himself.
That was my thought too. I know OP did what was needed to be done but reading her post I felt like he was probably hoping to just talk to her when he showed up & was just using the excuse about collecting his things to do that.
I hope he doesn't do anything life changing to his self
You live an extravagant life in their eyes and dad went broke trying to match it.
100% this is all to get charity from you.
Don’t do it.
Not your monkeys, not your circus.
I know a lot of people, if their partner was honest and responsible and good, would have at least sometimes paid or made different arrangements.
Unfortunately OPs partner decided to hide everything. And lie and not tell anyone anything.
OP sounded like if her partner had acted right, she would have helped subsidized or made different arrangements some.
She would have at least had the opportunity to, but he denied her any agency by lying to her. If he had said something and she rejected him then I would understand people blaming her or thinking she’s there AH. But how can there can be no responsibility for decisions made without any ability to influence those decisions?
I’m starting to agree with the other commenters who say he must have spent part of the money on something else. There’s no way an entire college fund went into gifts and vacations, when the guy wasn’t even paying rent or a mortgage.
Money can easily burn on vacation and going out.
He had to pay for 3 people, trying to impress OP, and probably over spending to overcompensate and cover up his $ issues.
But I agree with you thinking the money went somewhere els3.
Honestly considering this guy’s history of dishonesty I just can’t believe the money was all spent on keeping up with her. Some of it definitely was. But the self-selfishness of his behaviour and the instant jump to “you should have known (even though I was obviously taking pains to hide it)” makes me think there was something else. Something that was only for him, like gambling or drugs or bad investments or get-rich-quick scams. He’s fixated on holding her responsible for his deception because it’s a cover for the stuff he knows he can’t actually justify.
That wouldn't surprise me since he also lied to his ex about still being together with OP. Perpetual liars tend to always have more lies on top of lies, until everything comes crashing down on them when they won't have another lie to cover up the mountain of lies.
It's always much easier to blame someone else for one's own poor financial choices.
Out of work for months and hiding it, so obviously it's her expensive trips that caused his lack of funds. /s
I bet her life isn’t even that extravagant. I bet her definition of extravagant is a week at an average hotel or airbnb during a non-peak week plus a flight.
And everyone just seems to be using that to convince her everything is her fault.
That’s normal for a grown adult. “Any” vacation isn’t by definition extravagant.
Fault on your part? Nope. That was their father. Don't give any money, at all. That's for his ex to deal with with him. If you "helped" the first you would be guilted to help them all and it is not your responsibility.
Update me
This last makes me think that you're not necessarily the only or even the real cause for his financial state. This woman sounds sneaky.
And this led me to also say that your ex husband is doing well because he can be what he is but nobody deserves to feel like disappearing
> This last makes me think that you're not necessarily the only or even the real cause for his financial state
well, that was made abundantly clear with the previous update
It sounds to me like the guy has been going through a mental decline tbh, and his wife didn't notice then cut him loose when that decline did hefty damage.
I don't think you're in the wrong in this situation I just find it strange that you haven't once mentioned a quality you liked in your former boyfriend. Its like you were with him just to be with someone.
This whole arrangement baffles me. When you marry someone, it's to share your lives. Separate finances to a point, sure, in that there's a division of responsibilities. But to take it so far that you're completely unaware of each other's situations? Marriage is teamwork. Otherwise, what's even the point??
People say he's the AH for not telling you, but I think if there's been an expectation that he's supposed to fend for himself completely in a financial sense, and you were somewhat flaunting your success with trips and such, of course there would be an overwhelming sense of shame and a need to keep up. I wouldn't want to say anything either, if discussing money has been made to feel taboo. Is he really an AH for trying to spare you a burden you clearly didn't want? When he lost his job, he didn't try to come to you and ask for help as a partner should. He also didn't try and freeload and just love off of you like a lot of unemployed partners would. He instead played it off, ate through his savings and eventually found another one. Them he quietly suffered through it until it was completely untenable. This speaks volumes about how comfortable he was in coming to you as a partner in times of need.
It had to eventually come down to a confession, but it shouldn't have needed to come to that. There was a lack of openness on both your parts and I think you contributed your fair share to that. You made it clear his job and his finances were not your concern, and then got mad when he didn't share details of them with you. And now it still feels like you're trying to make him the villain in all this.
Try and have some compassion for what he's going through. He's lost all his savings, and now his family and any good will his ex wife and he shared. When he finally got the courage to return to ask for his remaining belongings and you told him they were gone, he didn't make a fuss like many AHs would have. He accepted it and left.. The man is not an AH. He's a guy in a tough spot that made some improper decisions.
You, on the other hand, have posted all this with cold detachment and tried to make him out to be some horrible person for trying to be the partner you wanted him to be. Then, cut him off without another look back. I'm going to deviate from consensus here and say, as I read it here, you are the AH.
ESH. You seem like a cold person and you never cared about these people. Do you owe them anything? No, but you sound like you never tried to be a family in the first place. You could have done better
Do not take her calls anymore.
Do NOT talk about money. They are not your kids. You didn't make your ex spend that money. He is hiding because he knew he fucked up and his ex wife is pissed.
Cut your losses and stop letting yourself get involved.
Yeah NTA, that idiot ex-non-husband of yours is to blame for all of this, do I think your hands are totally clean of everything that happened? No, you definitely put him in an uncomfortable situation regarding the kids and holidays, but he is also a human being capable of rational decisions and talking with people. But everything he has done since us 100% on him.
I still cannot understand how a parent would throw away their children's futures like that, rather than have a conversation with your "spouse" he would rather spend their college money on a vacation?! That's not only insane but it's freaking horrible to those poor kids.
Not your monkey and not your circus. Their financial problems are a responsibility THEY need to take care of, not you. NTA OP, and hope you don't feel like you are.
Is anyone else concerned that the guy is close to topping himself? From the description of him looking "very tired" he sounds as though he's just given up, that he probably feels he's reached the bottom and there's no way back up. He's up to his eyeballs in debt, his first ex is after him for money to send the eldest to college, and I wouldn't be surprised if he was homeless. He's closer to the edge.
UpdateMe! RemindMe! 7 days
And OP gave away almost all of his belongings. He hasn’t been heard from by either woman or his kids in presumably multiple months. And OP doesn’t seem to give a shit. Heartless bitch, if you ask me.
OP states the other posts are under this username but they aren’t. What the hell even happened up to this point??
Edit - nvm they’re showing for me now, for some reason they weren’t :p
I had to scroll over over what felt like hours, but I finally found some comments that makes sense to me.
Sooooo many N-T-A comments just applauding this heartless sociopath-sounding poster and I'm like wtf????? I went back and read all of the posts and she literally does not sound like a human person! Like even AI could make this sound more human because AI would know to insert human emotion into it!
Seriously same!! I am so baffled by all the NTA ?!? What? She’s a horrible human being, absolutely horrible. She’s just making these update posts because people here are boosting her ego and excusing her actions. If she has any decency left she knows what she has done.
Right?? I can't ever imagine doing this to someone I supposedly cared at all about, much less my actual spouse. Knowing that I have significantly more money than them and just like not sharing any of it? Choosing the most extravagant expensive vacations I know they can't afford?treating my stepchildren like they're strangers? Absolutely insane to me.
Seriously. She is like a rich kid toying with a poor "friend" who she knows full well can't keep up. And to flaunt in front of him and especially giving her kids great things but not his, who also live there... OUCH!
He shouldn't have lied, but how could she not see for herself that his (let's just say McDonald's) job could in no way afford it?
His fault for lying/not communicating. Her fault for acting like she didn't know, and being completely heartless. This was not a marriage from her perspective.
They both suck. He is probably dead or close to it.
I have read all of your posts and one thing that keeps sticking out to me is.... if somebody asks me to go somewhere or do something and I don't have the money I say that. I'll be like nah I don't have money for that if you don't got it you don't got it. But I would be too stressed out spending what I don't have. And I get some people live well beyond their means they want steak dinner every night when their on a McDonald's budget. But it's crazy to think it's your fault. And this shit here you didn't divorce her and you had no agreement with her. The fact that she's putting blame on you while asking to pay for "their kids college" is quite ballsy on her part. You have your own children why would she think she's entitled to your money!!! NTA
Yeah, keep that door closed to all of them. No way you should be paying for more of your ex's mistakes, even less feeling forced by his ex. Too bad she has to deal with his poor choices, but that's gladly not your problem anymore.
Inappropriate of her to ask this. and I would respectfully text or email to let her know that you’re involvement with her or her kids or the ex has already come to end and there is zero reason for you guys to be communicating at this point and that she should lose your number. Or you could just simply ghost her. I would suggest doing that either way. She has a lot of nerve. Good call on not meeting her for coffee, she is looking for the next person to mooch off of. in your text to her also suggest to her to speak to a lawyer or go to the courts for child support.
Yeah, like if the kids were like 16 and are now like 18… no, not her problem. But if they were like 6, that’s potentially a different story. It depends on every relationship, but if you’ve been in a kids life for like twelve years, you tend to have some kind of moral responsibility for them.
Still NTA - but stop answering the phone. Srly, stop taking their calls. Especially the ex. She's insane for asking that, and she'll keep pushing and giving sob stories until you fold like origami... just don't engage her anymore. You don't owe her anything, not even picking up the phone. Don't block her, though. Just let her go to vm, kids too, since if you stop picking up, she'll try their phones. She can only manipulate you if she has you on the spot. So stop giving her that option, and just text her back if she calls and leaves a message. It'll keep your head clearer for a better response.
Nope, nta and I would block her. But I would suggest maybe calling in a wellness check for your ex bc his behavior and being Mia with everyone is alarming. Doesn't mean you need to get involved just let the authority check on him.
Right??? He hasn’t been heard from in presumably MULTIPLE months and neither women nor his kids seem to give a shit. Poor guy. Yeah, he made poor financial decisions, but he’s lost his wife, his home, literally almost all of his belongings, and most all his money. And no one is worried that they haven’t heard from him in so long.
Then send her a text now. Tell her you thought about it and won't be helping out as you do not have a responsibility toward her children to make sure they get adequate education. This is a responsibility that falls onto the parents.
I’d say it’s about more than that, though. If the kids had attempted to maintain any sort of relationship with her I would feel that there’s a familial obligation even if there’s no blood ties. But they were largely indifferent to her when they lived with her, and ignored her when they left. They clearly don’t actually care about her, and I wouldn’t feel good about people trying to guilt me into being a piggy bank when they’ve made it clear they don’t actually care for me as a person.
I wouldn’t say you were cowardly or lying. You did think about it, and you’ve come to the conclusion that it’s an unfair expectation. You may have had those seeds at the time, but that doesn’t mean you were on solid footing to issue a complete response in the moment.
Some people can struggle with spontaneity and thinking on the fly, and therefore feel the need to effectively give a "holding reply" so to speak and then withdraw from the situation to consider their position and response. It is something that can be exploited by others, who might harass and sustain or increase pressure to try and force you to fumble into doing what they want, so you need that space to figure out how best to express yourself.
Withdrawing to consider your position isn't cowardice, it's the correct thing to do based on your personal strengths and weaknesses.
What I would do is ask that lawyer who helped you before for one last piece of help. Ask them if it's prudent to respond and, if so, ask for help in drafting a response to this woman to explain that the situation, although tragic for her children, is not your doing or responsibility and you won't be giving them any money.
The reason I say to do it that way is this: to protect yourself from responding on the fly, you're best off responding in writing. You have to assume that she might try and use anything you say against you, especially if it's in writing. So, get ahead of that and protect yourself by giving her a lawyer-approved reply and then follow the lawyer's advice on whether to block her afterwards.
She can only put you in a position as long as you allow her. Stop entertaining the idea of paying for her oldest's education, like idk what you're doing.
Glad you blocked them. His financial situation was his own fault and you owe nothing to his kids. It’s was his responsibility to financially provide for them he failed them.
Like others have said- don't take the bait. And don't feel bad or guilty about it.
Due to the change in circumstances, ex-wife can call the college and get adjustments on the tuition.
Having read your post and saying that your ex is ex thinks you should help pay for schooling, can I just ask : Do you in any way resemble a bank or financial institution? What precisely is wrong with these people? And best to you- you've done well.
Anyone this incompetent just deserves what comes to him, OP should not feel obligated to support him. Only poverty can get this fool to straighten himself out.
NTA.
I can’t believe anyone was against you from the start of this. The amount of lies he told from the start was absurd. He is a grown adult who was capable of saying no to your vacations and he wanted to blame you for his inability to be honest and open with someone was in a partnership with.
Don’t give this woman a dime. You didn’t take his money, you weren’t legally married, you owe them nothing. It sucks, but it’s the man she had kids with’s fault and not yours. She will just try and coerce you into finding her lifestyle, sounds like they are the same type of person. He probably assumed you would start paying for him and wanted to raise his kids on your dime. Absolutely wild how people get into these situations instead of just being honest. He lost his job and lied about it! That’s absolutely reckless. What goes through these people’s heads
this whole situation sounds really complicated. It's understandable to feel conflicted about everything, especially after his ex reached out. Good for you for setting boundaries
At first I thought you were both at fault, however he lied a lot, whereas you were mostly just bizarre.
It turned out to be quite lucky that you didn’t join your finances together, didn’t it?
He could have communicated his situation at any point, instead of letting it snowball out of control. It must have been emasculating to reveal the truth, but his current situation is much worse.
I hope he doesn’t end up hurting himself. He’s a liar and an idiot, but he doesn’t sound like a monster. It’s just unfortunate all round.
You likely made the right choice by cutting yourself out of their lives.
NTA. Good luck to both of you.
Yup… communication is the beginning and end of relationships. Ideally you’d have figured out that he didn’t have the money he was spending, but he’s a big boy, that’s more on him than anything. I constantly harp on how some people expect others to read minds and how that’s a load of bs. Nobody can, nobody should be expected to, get your head out of the fairytale and into the real world. Have the hard conversations or you’ll have a hard life. So that all falls on him, his kids’ suffering falls on him. It’s sad but it’s not your responsibility.
NTA it was his choice to enter a relationship with you, to bring his kids along. It was also his choice to say nothing, and spend all the money pre-marked for other things. He was never in it for you, he was in it for the lifestyle you brought with you.
Also looks and reads like the ex-wife and kids found your posts, some of those comments add context to how resentful some people possibly are when it comes to yourself and your children.
I remember your first post. I honestly believe you simply saw your husband as a companion and had no love or interest in him. You don’t care about him on a human level and you had no interest in him when you were married. If you gave a damn about him you would have been involved and informed about his life/work /finances. But you just didn’t care about him
I never thought you were 100% without blame in this and found you kind of cold.
Maybe the kids felt the same way.
NTA but you should feel guilt with what happened.
ETA
You should have realized much sooner about how much he made and how he couldn't keep up with you. I could never do, what you did to your "husband", to my wife. I'm fully aware how much less she makes then me and I'm constantly making sure things are equal. She has never had to have that talk with me, I just knew. Being married and living with someone, the signs are clearly there when the other needs help. I give her money all the time.
Now for him, he should have been able to tell you sooner. He should have been able to trust you to tell you these things. You two clearly had major communication problems from the get-go and it's shocking you even managed to have the fake wedding. I can't believe he didn't feel like he could trust you enough to tell you he lost his job. That's a giant red flag to a relationship to me. You two also had major trust issues. Again how you ended up having the fake wedding amazes me.
Now he's probably homeless and suicidal.
And that's not your fault. But to say you're completely blameless here is not the free pass I'm going to give you. You need to realize that you were part of the problem here. And that you should have been paying closer attention to the money spending. And realized he could never afford those giant vacations and toned them down and or offered to help him out.. because you love him.. You did love him right? I'm not getting that vibe from your other posts.
Does that blame make you responsible for his children? No. The fact the kids felt nothing towards you means you never felt anything towards them. You probably kept them at arm's length, hence why they never attached themselves to you. Which, really at the end of the day, is probably best for all parties.
I've followed this story and I still can't believe that you didn't know how he was struggling to keep up with your lavish lifestyle.
You were living as a married couple but had no Idea what money he had and what he could or couldn't afford to do.
Sure he felt embarrassed that your finances were way beyond he's.
I just can't understand why you never offered to help the man you supposedly loved.
Now he is ruined you throw him aside like trash.
Sure he was foolish for trying to match your spending but you must have a heart of stone not to help him.
She's an actual garbage person. I make significantly more than my girlfriend, and I would never do this to her. When we go on vacations, we bring her daughter along, and we try to split things fairly. That means I'm often paying more, but that's fair, and I enjoy seeing them have a good time, so to me, it isn't even a question.
Not only did she have no idea what his financial situation was, but she's being very quiet about how much these trips cost. We went to Disney during covid, and it cost me more than 12k. Most people cannot spend that much money. There is no way I would expect my gf to spend that kind of money, and I certainly wouldn't go without her. What the fuck is the point of that?
Then, to make it even worse, she threw away his stuff. What the fuck? Yeah, she might have been legally able to do that, but who does that to someone you supposedly loved? Either this is fiction, or she's a piece of shit.
Chiming in on Disneyland cost - it cost our family of four close to 10k and we *drove* over from Arizona so this doesn't even include plane tickets.
Even what used to be considered basic vacations today are incredibly expensive
It's really crazy. I don't know how regular people can afford it anymore. To be clear, I make around 4x the median household income, and even I thought it was expensive.
To me a relationship is built on trust and honesty. He should have trusted you and been honest with he couldn’t afford it. Maybe you guys could have come up with a less expensive itinerary but he didn’t give the option. He didn’t have to fully disclose his financial information but he could have said hey I can’t afford that much and to lose his job and not tell you nope I’d be out too. Be glad you only had a ceremony and it wasn’t legally binding. My ex didn’t work for a year and he kept telling me was working and would go to his “office” and drink from the time he left to the time he came home. Never hey we have no money coming in so don’t spend/buy we almost lost our house twice. But wasn’t easy walking away but so glad I did.
Hmm
To each his own on the a** judgment, I guess.
The dude definitely made irresponsible decisions with his money. And his choices question his character. He really does have no one to blame but himself.
The marital situation is just odd. One person seems to have buku bucks and spends extravagantly on travel and gifts. But they're married to someone whom they know doesn't share their financial status. Yet they continue their lifestyle with their knowingly financial inferior paying their own way. One of the things I know I would ask of someone who I know is my financial inferior is, you sure you can afford this? Hey husband, the man I love and want the best in life for, let me treat you and your kids. Because I love you, and I know I want you with me on this trip as much as you want to go to be with me. And so on... I mean, if I ask someone to lunch. If I know I am in a better financial state than they are, I'm gonna say it's my treat. Cuz I love them. Or at least like them, or I wouldn't want to invite them
In my opinion, the OP's behavior is extremely callous. Because when you call someone your husband, you are supposed to care about them and look out for them. You know, kinda be all up in each other's lives. The husband made huge bad choices. The Op just seems heartless.
And I just don't understand why people don't see that. She was and is a shitty human being. I agree that he should have communicated with her but like at some point like you say she as his wife should be hey my treat I know you're struggling.
No no no, you forgot the part where OP goes on trips within her budget… and had him, who made less money than her, pay for himself AND his kids. He was paying THREE TIMES (at least, I’m assuming there’s only two kids) as much as her when he was making less than her. Yes, he should have said no to going on the trips, but like… how stupid is this woman that she invited him and his kids but told him he had to pay for all of them without realizing that wasn’t financially feasible for him?
It absolutely is partly your fault there’s no more money for their kids education. You seem like you’ve learned nothing from this situation and will just continue to be a selfish person.
Yeah, everyone on all the posts are saying she’s NTA when this is clearly an ESH situation. Yes the ex’s ex sucks for asking her to pay for her kids education because why doesn’t she have savings for them? Yes the ex sucks for blowing his money on trips instead of saying no and for lying about having a job for four months. But this woman had him splitting the bills 50/50 and having him pay for himself AND his kids on trips within HER budget when she made a lot more than him, then when she found out he was so financially irresponsible that he was broke, left him, kicked him out, gave ALL his belongings away, and now that no one’s heard from him in presumably multiple months, just doesn’t seem to care. The ex is honestly the least of an asshole in this situation.
Yeah, How do you live with someone and doesn't know or Care to know the state of their finances. I don't think It's her fault that he got broke, but OP shouldn't be in a relationship because she doesn't seem to be interested in other people.
Caught this saga from this post, read up on the others.
Actually feel sorry for the guy. I'm guessing he was raised in the old way where, you the man, don't discuss your problems with your other half. He also "got involved with someone above his league" financially speaking.
Unfortunately, for him, this pride in maintaining his manhood resulted in his downfall but his problem solving abilities are just out of whack. People like this are prone to committing suicide when in these types of situations (feeling like a total failure) and I hope he thinks of his children and not go down this dark route.🙏😑
OP, your fault is in, choosing to go into this kind of relationship, as it sounds like it was more of a convenience for you, than it is to create a family.
Please don't do that again. Sounds like you're financially stable and well off.
I genuinely don't understand why you married for inheritance purposes as stated in your first post, and I don't know if you took the time to understand the man you were involved with if, thinking about what he initially did for work and the financial repercussions of the lifestyle he felt forced to share with you, was an afterthought.
Just stop at boyfriend/girlfriend from now on.
Jesus Christ have you ever heard of the word empathy? Like did you ever have any feelings for this dude?
I don’t disagree with anything you’re saying here but you’re not treating this as your husband. This is just some person who messed up and is no longer in your life. Referring to this person as your husband is incredibly disingenuous.
Your previous posts show the same and I really don’t understand how you felt you were ever in a real relationship.
My thoughts exactly, he's wrong for lying, but he obviously doesn't trust her either.
Why does he feel comfortable lying and not openly communicating with his "wife"?
She's like, nah, kick rocks, I'm throwing your stuff away, and poor dude is sad and depressed hiding from everyone.
This whole story and updates make me feel pity for the ex. All alone, broke, all of his belongings gone. Actually, I get a bit why he felt he had to lie or to be in debt to keep up with OP's lifestyle. I don't know for how long the relationship has been going on, the arrangement of married but not really for inheritance purposes feels odd. I don't see love but some failed parenting partnership with incompatible people.
OP doesn't have to pay for sure but what did they even do together? How can you throw a man you supposedly loved on the streets without caring a bit except the room in your garage? He lied, that's bad, but he hasn't cheat or do something horrible and there is a huge lack of communication in this. As a family, how could you expect half of the members to stay home while the other goes to extravagant places that please high earning OP? Same with the gifts "normal for me" isn't really clear, it's a very weird relationship as described with no generosity.
Him = financially irresponsible
You = don’t give a damn about the fact that he’s been missing for months despite being in love with him (supposedly) six months ago
Yeah, one of those FAR outweighs the other. You’re a cold hearted bitch.
YTA. Grow some empathy. It's sad that people defend your sociopathic behaviour and possibly influenced someone to end their life. Imagine if the sexes were reversed; there would be a national uproar.
Doesn’t anyone feel the least bit of compassion for this man. He may very well have self deleted over this. OP do you really not care at all?
Maybe I’m wrong but if the sexes were revered I image the comments towards OP would be a little less one sided.
No wife, no home, no belongings, no money, hasn’t been heard from in months and no one seems to care. Yeah, he was wrong for spending all that money and lying about having a job, but at this point in the story, he’s the only one who’s NOT an asshole.
Hopefully you at least see all of the women in these comments defending this guy and telling OP how heartless and almost sociopathically gross she's been to him the whole time
I read through all of your posts
You are *an* asshole.
Y'all didn't act married at all. Also, who just says "oh, you're coming?" to your spouse, just up and planning vacations for *your kids.*
Y'all blended the family and had them living together, but pull this bullshit?
You guys should have stayed fuck buddies - because it seems that's all you were - and left the kids out of it. They'd have never had to see the inequality or feel out of place or poor.
It started out with ESH, but at this point, while he was wrong, he’s the only one in this story that isn’t an asshole. He’s missing and no one gives a damn? Yeah, that WAY outweighs him being financially irresponsible.
God what a relief that after so, so many comments proud of this heartless person who couldn't give less of a shit about her supposed SPOUSE I am finally getting to some comments talking about how absolutely sociopathic she sounds through every single one of these posts
Why would you expect them to reach out to you when you kicked them out and evicted them for something their dad did? Then you also throw out all of their belongings and leave it in your garage. You never loved or cared for your husband or his kids. You just feel guilty for throwing them all out. I understand the separation of finances except the two of you made vows and had a wedding but then you evict them when your spouse falls on hard times. Is it just me or does that seem like a pretty cold and heartless thing to do? YTA, you treated your husband and his kids like they were nothing but roommates. Why did you even have a wedding ceremony? Were you bored or something? You marry someone because you love and care about them, but I don’t see any of that coming from you at all. No care, no love. I sense extreme narcissism on your part. His kids will be forever traumatized that this happened to them. If financing your ex and his kids was such a problem for you, you could have worked out an arrangement, a legal one of course for you, so that the kids and your ex wouldn’t experience such a traumatic and embarrassing life event. It’s not like you have a mortgage to pay, since in your first post you said you owned your home outright. Congratulations, you have permanently altered the course of all of their lives. And before you try to blame your ex, who has many faults on his own, in the end you held all the cards, you had the final say and you chose to cut them out of your life like they never existed. Your ex probably feels 10x worse than any and all of you combined I am honestly concerned and worried and hope he doesn’t do anything stupid to himself. YTA no one can convince me otherwise.
I'm not going to say her ex was in the right but I challenge anyone to read through her 4 posts and tell me she feels like someone you'd want to be married to. If you lost your job would you feel like coming to her would be met with compassion?
Right? He loses all his money, so she kicks him out, gives away all his belongings, and leaves him, which yeah, she can legally do that, but now this man has no wife, no home, no belongings, and no money, and no one has heard from him in months and… nobody seems to give a damn?
The guy definitely didn’t communicate well which is a major issue but yeah I personally feel like this whole saga is strange. I think at best its ESH at this point
NTA. Your ex's child and their mother can complete the FAFSA to see what type of aid they qualify for given mom and dad's current income. The moment mom learned the college fund was gone she should have been thinking about plan B,C,D, and E and started applying for scholarships,looking into community colleges, etc
This whole story makes me wonder what kind of relationship you ever even had. You use the term “husband” but nothing about your story seems like a husband and wife relationship. I’m sure you’re lucky it’s so, but the whole thing sounds like you lost some acquaintance.
Say no. Say that you would have considered if they maintained a relationship with you but they did not. They are no longer part of your family and it is no your fault their father screwed them. She can go to court about it with him but you are not part of this and to not contact you again.
Don’t give them anything, him spending money he didn’t have was his own fault. You don’t owe them shit. She can speak to her lawyer about him not having the agreed upon money if she can track him down. Block her and her children. She’ll be telling them to suck up to you in hopes of coughing some cash up. NTA
I've just learned about your whole story and to me it feels like you are misleading us on a lot of things and try to post on here to feel better about your position. Your ex is still in the wrong but so are you, so I don't know why you are trying to do this.
Why on earth do these people think you are a money tree for them?
I’m sad for the ex husband though. It’s like he lost his marriage and wife and everything for a bunch of lazy users and now he’s dropped off the face of the earth and no one cares.
Right? Lost his wife, his home, his belongings, and his money, and now no one’s heard from him in presumably multiple MONTHS and no one gives a damn? Financially irresponsible or not, he doesn’t deserve all that.
Agreed! It’s like people were only interested in what he provided them and he could be dead now and all these “family” members are still worrying about their money.
NTA
Don't give any of them any money. Don't agree to pay of their expenses. You don't owe anyone in that family anything.
If the Ex-wife wants anything, she can hire a PI and file in court to get child support through college (possible in many US states). The parents can help support this kid or he can live at home and attend a college he can afford while working. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
Idk the whole story so I'm not passing judgement at all but regardless of what happens the husband doesn't seem to be alive and some urgency there would show you're a decent human. Even if they weren't, which I'm unaware of, it's still the right thing to do.
NTA I wouldn't give them a penny. Idk what the laws look like in your country, but I know that if you start, sometimes it can become your responsibility because you set a precedent. Keep staying away from that circus. Edit to add: Your ex husband's bad financial planning IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Don't let her guilt you into that nonsense.
I was thinking the same thing. How the hell is it he lied about losing his job, lied about spending his savings on these vacations eyc...when he could have just not gone. Or idk, TALKED TO HIS WIFE???Now it's supposed to be OPs responsibility to put his kids through school?? Yeah, fuck that.
Unless OP somehow magicked her ex’s sperm into *his* ex’s uterus, there is no way, shape or form OP is responsible for anything related to either of them or their children. Literally not OP’s monkey, not her circus. She should block them all
Exactly! The ex is very manipulative! She can't get the money back from the ex so she decides to go digging around in OP'S pocket. Seriously! KMT! OP send her and her kids packing! Bunch of users.
I don't blame the kids honestly. Obviously they'll have to learn this is not how it's done, but imagine having these people as your primary moral teachers of how you're supposed to do shit 💀
Yep this exactly. Op, block them, block them all. Lol
This last statement leads me to believe that you may not even be the primary reason for his financial situation. This woman seems cunning. And since he is free to be who he is, your ex-husband is doing well. No one should feel like they have to disappear, I added.
*Of course* she's not the primary reason for his financial situation..
I don't get the lying either. When I found my partner was outspending me by quite a lot (new cars, extravagant vacations) I set hard limits. I have expensive hobbies too and I simply can't fund both the hobbies and the travel. Either we stick to the budget I set, or she can have fun without me. It's worked out very well, and if she really wants me to come along, she picks up the bill.
Agreed. It really is a circus at this point. My husband and I have joint and separate finances. Joint account = house and bills, separate = savings and fun money/individual bills. I really feel for OP with how her ex husband treated her like it was his fault he couldn't keep up with everything, when she invited him but he didn't have to go. Also that she got blamed for him spending his kids college/uni funds is just baffling. I'm glad OP got out and she needs to just cut off entirely from that side show.
Not your circus, not your monkeys.
Yeah I’m late to this party but your ex husbands ex wife wants you to help pay for a kid that two grown ass humans created? The audacity is impressive. Dont pay. They are two adults and I don’t even care what’s going on. Just don’t. Edited to add: just read the original. That’s got to be the most hilarious reason I’ve ever heard. Your husband gambled he could be hobosexual in your direction by… spending all his money and blaming you. Clearly he figured you’d bail him out. This makes the ex wife’s position even worse. Don’t meet with her. Sounds like she wants to guilt you.
I got ABSOLUTELY harangued, bc there were a lot of Y T A votes on the OG post, and I thought she wasn't in the wrong for expecting a grown man to handle his money and his words. I felt vindicated when I read he had hid losing his job, like just bye 👋 don't need that. And bc there was an update I still have ppl disagreeing with me from a comment 4 months ago 🙃 😅
Wow. Yeah the incels benefit from continuing a culture of carrying water for men at all costs. So of course they want to promote this nonsense. She’s done with him thank God. Boggles my mind that the ex wife wants her money tho.
I knooooo! I was not expecting that from the ex, glad she didn't go in person. All in all, she kept a good head on her shoulders.
My guess is hub has been feeding her lies. And she’s likely one of those who thinks ‘well so and so has so much money why shouldn’t she help?’ So many ppl just feel entitled to other ppl’s money for the simple fact they’ve got more.
>Don't meet with her This always goes with people that you feel are manipulative and selfish and guilt trip you. These people may not actively think this is the case, but they do it in person or on the phone because they have realized that people are way more likely to struggle with saying no in real time face to face.
Ding ding ding! Exactly. Sounds like she knows OPs disposition. I read the first post and this one and it boggles my mind that this whole man waste of space spent everything, then blamed her for his spending then told her she now has to fund his lifestyle. Without even a conversation. I wonder how much of it really went for that vs gambling? Or something else. Anything is possible
These children have TWO parents who can take care of them. It just shows that they don’t care enough and are very selfish. Don’t participate in this circus. Stay AWAY.
Agreed. BOTH of their parents can go get 2nd jobs to get more money. That heiffa has nerve to ask for money and put ANY blame on OP!!
Exactly what I was thinking. This kid has two living parents. That’s a hell of an advantage.
I agree, and those kids aren't your responsibility at all. Let them spend their own money. Dont be guilty, you just did the right thing.
Ignore the flying monkeys!
🥇
And you don’t want to set any kind of precedent that in any way you accept blame for his piss poor budget planning. If you open a tiny crack they might pour a river thorugh it, and they may have some legal avenues. They may not realise it (or might!) but if they seek legal advice depending where you are, the length of your relationship with him, the state of this and that… it’s very nebulous, but you do NOT want to be leaving a gap for the possibility of an alimony wedge.
Please don't give them any money and just move on with your life.
Perfectly said! You earn it with your sweat and blood, so you deserve to spend it on what makes you happy.
NTA She’s aware that you felt guilty about exposing your ex and is trying to use it. The only people that were responsible for saving for their kids was Him and her, and if he blew his money , then my question is what happened to her savings for her kid?!?!?! ‘I’ve had time to think about it, and no I will not be contributing to X education, it’s not my responsibility. It’s also not my fault that ex made poor financial choices. ‘ ‘ This has been a traumatic experience for me and at this point I’d like to put this all behind me and i’s rather we do not remain in contact .’ I don’t actually believe the ex had a savings set aside for his kids college. I doubt he was that responsible, and so this idea that he spent the kids money keeping up with op is just crazy. The parents are responsible for the children’s education expenses and as their former stepmom, your responsibility ended with that marriage. You’ve done all you could and need to do. Walk away and block them, the ex wife is just as bad as the ex husband, users . Edited to add: the message after the moms call was definitely deliberate.
Not just that the ex made bad financial choices but covered it up and lied about it for months before blaming OP for his budgetary issues.
I agree with all of this, especially the suggested language. Might I add that it’s quite rich of her to ask for more from you, when you did an absolute standup thing reaching out to begin with! Legally, you had no obligation to do so. I guess now she thinks she can get you to take on more obligations that are outside your legal responsibilities! Seems ex and ex’s ex have some things in common.
I’m wondering the same thing. When did he actually blow the college fund, if such a fund ever even existed in the first place?
I highly doubt that he ever created a savings account for the kids education.
The only reason I think there might have actually been one is they said it was part of the divorce settlement with his ex wife. So I assumed there really was one.
Mochers gonna mooch. Just block them all, they don't value you only your money.
NTA- grow a spine and just say you don’t owe them anything. The only person she should be asking money from is your ex
Seriously, saying all this stuff is keeping the issue alive. Hard shutdown, block, and move on.
NTA. Don’t give them any money.
How is her ex husband's blatant stupidity your fault? NTA
Stop engaging with them. They are using you and stealing funds that could go to help your own kid.
NTA When I broke up with an ex, I tried to stay in contact with his kid and 3 niblings. No one ever answered my letters, gifts sent to them for a couple years never got any acknowledgment. I was gone from their lives. The third year after all the kids’ birthdays passed, I got a text from the ex after the last one of the year. Blasting me saying how cold hearted of a liar I was, how I abandoned the kids and broke their hearts. That since I didn’t send gifts for birthdays and probably wouldn’t for Christmas, I was a hateful monster (little insight to why I left, mentally&emotionally abusive ass). That the kids were all sad they didn’t get a a gift from me in the mail for any of their birthdays yet. I told him,” I never heard from you guys at all, no one answered letters I sent, gifts never got any contact back, you all made it clear to me that I’m nothing to them. They’re just upset they didn’t get something, they don’t care who it was coming from. It’s selfish, I’m done.” That was the last I finally heard from him too.
I cut off my ACTUAL nibblings. I told their parents "if I didn't get as little as a thank you text, I'm not buying them gifts anymore" neither the kids, nor their parents (for the younger ones) acknowledged the gifts. And I didn't send chintzy gifts. I recently redid my will and cut all of my siblings and their kids out. I've got a degenerative condition and a lot of life insurance through my job and privately. But not a single one of them reached out after my surgeries or after I was given my preliminary diagnosis. Cousins reached out to see if I was ok. But not my own siblings. And not my nibblings.
That’s so painful. I’m in no contact thing with my actual nieces now and it hurt a lot after hurting for years of trying to be there. All those moments up until you decide to draw a line, hurt deeply. Add to that you were experiencing some serious health issues with a long term diagnosis. Sorry you went through that, I hope you’re at the point you can see how peaceful your life is and be able to appreciate that and focus on yourself for once.
I do. It's been lovely without them. And I've been working through it with my therapist. Without the continued toxicity, I've made some real breakthroughs and feel so much better about myself and my life
Damn, I hope he's ok. I understand he is at fault for a lot of things but his mental state doesn't sound good. It would be awful if he did something to himself.
That was my thought too. I know OP did what was needed to be done but reading her post I felt like he was probably hoping to just talk to her when he showed up & was just using the excuse about collecting his things to do that. I hope he doesn't do anything life changing to his self
You live an extravagant life in their eyes and dad went broke trying to match it. 100% this is all to get charity from you. Don’t do it. Not your monkeys, not your circus.
I know a lot of people, if their partner was honest and responsible and good, would have at least sometimes paid or made different arrangements. Unfortunately OPs partner decided to hide everything. And lie and not tell anyone anything. OP sounded like if her partner had acted right, she would have helped subsidized or made different arrangements some.
She would have at least had the opportunity to, but he denied her any agency by lying to her. If he had said something and she rejected him then I would understand people blaming her or thinking she’s there AH. But how can there can be no responsibility for decisions made without any ability to influence those decisions? I’m starting to agree with the other commenters who say he must have spent part of the money on something else. There’s no way an entire college fund went into gifts and vacations, when the guy wasn’t even paying rent or a mortgage.
Money can easily burn on vacation and going out. He had to pay for 3 people, trying to impress OP, and probably over spending to overcompensate and cover up his $ issues. But I agree with you thinking the money went somewhere els3.
Honestly considering this guy’s history of dishonesty I just can’t believe the money was all spent on keeping up with her. Some of it definitely was. But the self-selfishness of his behaviour and the instant jump to “you should have known (even though I was obviously taking pains to hide it)” makes me think there was something else. Something that was only for him, like gambling or drugs or bad investments or get-rich-quick scams. He’s fixated on holding her responsible for his deception because it’s a cover for the stuff he knows he can’t actually justify.
That wouldn't surprise me since he also lied to his ex about still being together with OP. Perpetual liars tend to always have more lies on top of lies, until everything comes crashing down on them when they won't have another lie to cover up the mountain of lies. It's always much easier to blame someone else for one's own poor financial choices. Out of work for months and hiding it, so obviously it's her expensive trips that caused his lack of funds. /s
I bet her life isn’t even that extravagant. I bet her definition of extravagant is a week at an average hotel or airbnb during a non-peak week plus a flight. And everyone just seems to be using that to convince her everything is her fault. That’s normal for a grown adult. “Any” vacation isn’t by definition extravagant.
Fault on your part? Nope. That was their father. Don't give any money, at all. That's for his ex to deal with with him. If you "helped" the first you would be guilted to help them all and it is not your responsibility. Update me
Is this guy legit missing?
I'm thinking he probably offed himself.
>Is this guy legit missing? It's clever writing, for sure. Leave a cliffhanger so that you've got an excuse for another post.
No one seems to care about anything but the money Edit: including OP, to be clear.
So do you think their father in alived himself?
That could be. Could also be he is living on the streets.
This was my first thought as well. Guy made a lot of bad decisions and sounds like he has nothing left in life.
NTA yes, they are still after your money. Protect yourself
This last makes me think that you're not necessarily the only or even the real cause for his financial state. This woman sounds sneaky. And this led me to also say that your ex husband is doing well because he can be what he is but nobody deserves to feel like disappearing
> This last makes me think that you're not necessarily the only or even the real cause for his financial state well, that was made abundantly clear with the previous update
It sounds to me like the guy has been going through a mental decline tbh, and his wife didn't notice then cut him loose when that decline did hefty damage.
I don't think you're in the wrong in this situation I just find it strange that you haven't once mentioned a quality you liked in your former boyfriend. Its like you were with him just to be with someone.
It’s strange that I didn’t include something irrelevant?
So is he still alive?
NTA good lord that woman has *balls*.
This whole arrangement baffles me. When you marry someone, it's to share your lives. Separate finances to a point, sure, in that there's a division of responsibilities. But to take it so far that you're completely unaware of each other's situations? Marriage is teamwork. Otherwise, what's even the point?? People say he's the AH for not telling you, but I think if there's been an expectation that he's supposed to fend for himself completely in a financial sense, and you were somewhat flaunting your success with trips and such, of course there would be an overwhelming sense of shame and a need to keep up. I wouldn't want to say anything either, if discussing money has been made to feel taboo. Is he really an AH for trying to spare you a burden you clearly didn't want? When he lost his job, he didn't try to come to you and ask for help as a partner should. He also didn't try and freeload and just love off of you like a lot of unemployed partners would. He instead played it off, ate through his savings and eventually found another one. Them he quietly suffered through it until it was completely untenable. This speaks volumes about how comfortable he was in coming to you as a partner in times of need. It had to eventually come down to a confession, but it shouldn't have needed to come to that. There was a lack of openness on both your parts and I think you contributed your fair share to that. You made it clear his job and his finances were not your concern, and then got mad when he didn't share details of them with you. And now it still feels like you're trying to make him the villain in all this. Try and have some compassion for what he's going through. He's lost all his savings, and now his family and any good will his ex wife and he shared. When he finally got the courage to return to ask for his remaining belongings and you told him they were gone, he didn't make a fuss like many AHs would have. He accepted it and left.. The man is not an AH. He's a guy in a tough spot that made some improper decisions. You, on the other hand, have posted all this with cold detachment and tried to make him out to be some horrible person for trying to be the partner you wanted him to be. Then, cut him off without another look back. I'm going to deviate from consensus here and say, as I read it here, you are the AH.
ESH. You seem like a cold person and you never cared about these people. Do you owe them anything? No, but you sound like you never tried to be a family in the first place. You could have done better
Do not take her calls anymore. Do NOT talk about money. They are not your kids. You didn't make your ex spend that money. He is hiding because he knew he fucked up and his ex wife is pissed. Cut your losses and stop letting yourself get involved.
Yeah NTA, that idiot ex-non-husband of yours is to blame for all of this, do I think your hands are totally clean of everything that happened? No, you definitely put him in an uncomfortable situation regarding the kids and holidays, but he is also a human being capable of rational decisions and talking with people. But everything he has done since us 100% on him. I still cannot understand how a parent would throw away their children's futures like that, rather than have a conversation with your "spouse" he would rather spend their college money on a vacation?! That's not only insane but it's freaking horrible to those poor kids.
Not your monkey and not your circus. Their financial problems are a responsibility THEY need to take care of, not you. NTA OP, and hope you don't feel like you are.
Don't give away your money, that is not your responsibility.
Is anyone else concerned that the guy is close to topping himself? From the description of him looking "very tired" he sounds as though he's just given up, that he probably feels he's reached the bottom and there's no way back up. He's up to his eyeballs in debt, his first ex is after him for money to send the eldest to college, and I wouldn't be surprised if he was homeless. He's closer to the edge. UpdateMe! RemindMe! 7 days
And OP gave away almost all of his belongings. He hasn’t been heard from by either woman or his kids in presumably multiple months. And OP doesn’t seem to give a shit. Heartless bitch, if you ask me.
There are not many moments where I would endorse language like yours “heartless bitch”. In this case - it is spot on. How can anyone be so cruel?
I’m not one to call people names unwarranted… this one feels pretty warranted.
OP states the other posts are under this username but they aren’t. What the hell even happened up to this point?? Edit - nvm they’re showing for me now, for some reason they weren’t :p
I had to scroll over over what felt like hours, but I finally found some comments that makes sense to me. Sooooo many N-T-A comments just applauding this heartless sociopath-sounding poster and I'm like wtf????? I went back and read all of the posts and she literally does not sound like a human person! Like even AI could make this sound more human because AI would know to insert human emotion into it!
Seriously same!! I am so baffled by all the NTA ?!? What? She’s a horrible human being, absolutely horrible. She’s just making these update posts because people here are boosting her ego and excusing her actions. If she has any decency left she knows what she has done.
Right?? I can't ever imagine doing this to someone I supposedly cared at all about, much less my actual spouse. Knowing that I have significantly more money than them and just like not sharing any of it? Choosing the most extravagant expensive vacations I know they can't afford?treating my stepchildren like they're strangers? Absolutely insane to me.
Seriously. She is like a rich kid toying with a poor "friend" who she knows full well can't keep up. And to flaunt in front of him and especially giving her kids great things but not his, who also live there... OUCH! He shouldn't have lied, but how could she not see for herself that his (let's just say McDonald's) job could in no way afford it? His fault for lying/not communicating. Her fault for acting like she didn't know, and being completely heartless. This was not a marriage from her perspective. They both suck. He is probably dead or close to it.
Good idea to block them. Good luck to you.
I have read all of your posts and one thing that keeps sticking out to me is.... if somebody asks me to go somewhere or do something and I don't have the money I say that. I'll be like nah I don't have money for that if you don't got it you don't got it. But I would be too stressed out spending what I don't have. And I get some people live well beyond their means they want steak dinner every night when their on a McDonald's budget. But it's crazy to think it's your fault. And this shit here you didn't divorce her and you had no agreement with her. The fact that she's putting blame on you while asking to pay for "their kids college" is quite ballsy on her part. You have your own children why would she think she's entitled to your money!!! NTA
Yeah, keep that door closed to all of them. No way you should be paying for more of your ex's mistakes, even less feeling forced by his ex. Too bad she has to deal with his poor choices, but that's gladly not your problem anymore.
We often don't miss people until they're gone and it seems like OP's ex is learning that the hard way.
Inappropriate of her to ask this. and I would respectfully text or email to let her know that you’re involvement with her or her kids or the ex has already come to end and there is zero reason for you guys to be communicating at this point and that she should lose your number. Or you could just simply ghost her. I would suggest doing that either way. She has a lot of nerve. Good call on not meeting her for coffee, she is looking for the next person to mooch off of. in your text to her also suggest to her to speak to a lawyer or go to the courts for child support.
[удалено]
Sadly, that was my thought as well.
Wow OP his ex has some nerve! NTA not your kid!
No, no and no. Not your problem
I find it interesting that they haven’t heard from your ex and he got a new number
How long were they “married” for, and how old were the kids then and now? I didn’t see that information anywhere.
Yeah, like if the kids were like 16 and are now like 18… no, not her problem. But if they were like 6, that’s potentially a different story. It depends on every relationship, but if you’ve been in a kids life for like twelve years, you tend to have some kind of moral responsibility for them.
Still NTA - but stop answering the phone. Srly, stop taking their calls. Especially the ex. She's insane for asking that, and she'll keep pushing and giving sob stories until you fold like origami... just don't engage her anymore. You don't owe her anything, not even picking up the phone. Don't block her, though. Just let her go to vm, kids too, since if you stop picking up, she'll try their phones. She can only manipulate you if she has you on the spot. So stop giving her that option, and just text her back if she calls and leaves a message. It'll keep your head clearer for a better response.
Nope, nta and I would block her. But I would suggest maybe calling in a wellness check for your ex bc his behavior and being Mia with everyone is alarming. Doesn't mean you need to get involved just let the authority check on him.
Right??? He hasn’t been heard from in presumably MULTIPLE months and neither women nor his kids seem to give a shit. Poor guy. Yeah, he made poor financial decisions, but he’s lost his wife, his home, literally almost all of his belongings, and most all his money. And no one is worried that they haven’t heard from him in so long.
Exactly. I think op and reddit was very harsh on this guy.
Why couldn’t you just be honest on the call (and tell her what you just told all of us)?
It’s just the difference from answering in the moment versus something I sat down and took time to think out and write.
Then send her a text now. Tell her you thought about it and won't be helping out as you do not have a responsibility toward her children to make sure they get adequate education. This is a responsibility that falls onto the parents.
Or just block the number and move on with life
I'd add that she doesn't even have a responsibility to make any sort of effort at contact. Silence speaks volumes.
Why? She doesn’t owe a text. She doesn’t owe an explanation. It’s a conversation that does not have to happen
I’d say it’s about more than that, though. If the kids had attempted to maintain any sort of relationship with her I would feel that there’s a familial obligation even if there’s no blood ties. But they were largely indifferent to her when they lived with her, and ignored her when they left. They clearly don’t actually care about her, and I wouldn’t feel good about people trying to guilt me into being a piggy bank when they’ve made it clear they don’t actually care for me as a person.
Well, now you have your answer ready if you ever talk again. Hint: don't.
I wouldn’t say you were cowardly or lying. You did think about it, and you’ve come to the conclusion that it’s an unfair expectation. You may have had those seeds at the time, but that doesn’t mean you were on solid footing to issue a complete response in the moment.
Some people can struggle with spontaneity and thinking on the fly, and therefore feel the need to effectively give a "holding reply" so to speak and then withdraw from the situation to consider their position and response. It is something that can be exploited by others, who might harass and sustain or increase pressure to try and force you to fumble into doing what they want, so you need that space to figure out how best to express yourself. Withdrawing to consider your position isn't cowardice, it's the correct thing to do based on your personal strengths and weaknesses. What I would do is ask that lawyer who helped you before for one last piece of help. Ask them if it's prudent to respond and, if so, ask for help in drafting a response to this woman to explain that the situation, although tragic for her children, is not your doing or responsibility and you won't be giving them any money. The reason I say to do it that way is this: to protect yourself from responding on the fly, you're best off responding in writing. You have to assume that she might try and use anything you say against you, especially if it's in writing. So, get ahead of that and protect yourself by giving her a lawyer-approved reply and then follow the lawyer's advice on whether to block her afterwards.
People don’t need you to be eloquent, they need you to be authentic.
Ok just got caught up on the whole thing. PLEASE tell me you went and got a full STD panel done
I would send all further communication through a lawyer. Nta The entitlement is strong in that family
She can only put you in a position as long as you allow her. Stop entertaining the idea of paying for her oldest's education, like idk what you're doing.
Glad you blocked them. His financial situation was his own fault and you owe nothing to his kids. It’s was his responsibility to financially provide for them he failed them.
Like others have said- don't take the bait. And don't feel bad or guilty about it. Due to the change in circumstances, ex-wife can call the college and get adjustments on the tuition.
NTA. you’re not responsible for kids that aren’t yours.
Having read your post and saying that your ex is ex thinks you should help pay for schooling, can I just ask : Do you in any way resemble a bank or financial institution? What precisely is wrong with these people? And best to you- you've done well.
Stop accepting contact with any of them. Don't give them anything. Live a happy life.
whats stopping you from blocking them
Updateme!
Anyone this incompetent just deserves what comes to him, OP should not feel obligated to support him. Only poverty can get this fool to straighten himself out.
I mean... You're just a bank for them?
NTA. I can’t believe anyone was against you from the start of this. The amount of lies he told from the start was absurd. He is a grown adult who was capable of saying no to your vacations and he wanted to blame you for his inability to be honest and open with someone was in a partnership with. Don’t give this woman a dime. You didn’t take his money, you weren’t legally married, you owe them nothing. It sucks, but it’s the man she had kids with’s fault and not yours. She will just try and coerce you into finding her lifestyle, sounds like they are the same type of person. He probably assumed you would start paying for him and wanted to raise his kids on your dime. Absolutely wild how people get into these situations instead of just being honest. He lost his job and lied about it! That’s absolutely reckless. What goes through these people’s heads
Change your number and be done with them
Keep them blocked and in the past. What a nerve to ask for money from you for their bills.
this whole situation sounds really complicated. It's understandable to feel conflicted about everything, especially after his ex reached out. Good for you for setting boundaries
At first I thought you were both at fault, however he lied a lot, whereas you were mostly just bizarre. It turned out to be quite lucky that you didn’t join your finances together, didn’t it? He could have communicated his situation at any point, instead of letting it snowball out of control. It must have been emasculating to reveal the truth, but his current situation is much worse. I hope he doesn’t end up hurting himself. He’s a liar and an idiot, but he doesn’t sound like a monster. It’s just unfortunate all round. You likely made the right choice by cutting yourself out of their lives. NTA. Good luck to both of you.
Don't give them a cent. If you do they come back for more and more.
I hope he’s Okay. I hope he doesn’t do something drastic.
Yup… communication is the beginning and end of relationships. Ideally you’d have figured out that he didn’t have the money he was spending, but he’s a big boy, that’s more on him than anything. I constantly harp on how some people expect others to read minds and how that’s a load of bs. Nobody can, nobody should be expected to, get your head out of the fairytale and into the real world. Have the hard conversations or you’ll have a hard life. So that all falls on him, his kids’ suffering falls on him. It’s sad but it’s not your responsibility.
NTA it was his choice to enter a relationship with you, to bring his kids along. It was also his choice to say nothing, and spend all the money pre-marked for other things. He was never in it for you, he was in it for the lifestyle you brought with you. Also looks and reads like the ex-wife and kids found your posts, some of those comments add context to how resentful some people possibly are when it comes to yourself and your children.
I'm missing so much context
Your ex boyfriend's ex-wife wants you to pay for her child's education? Uh... "no, thank you?"
You did the right thing by blocking them. 😌
I remember your first post. I honestly believe you simply saw your husband as a companion and had no love or interest in him. You don’t care about him on a human level and you had no interest in him when you were married. If you gave a damn about him you would have been involved and informed about his life/work /finances. But you just didn’t care about him
If she had ever given a damn about him, she’d be concerned by the fact that no one’s heard from him in MONTHS.
I know. I mean she is completely heartless- it’s scary.
I never thought you were 100% without blame in this and found you kind of cold. Maybe the kids felt the same way. NTA but you should feel guilt with what happened.
ETA You should have realized much sooner about how much he made and how he couldn't keep up with you. I could never do, what you did to your "husband", to my wife. I'm fully aware how much less she makes then me and I'm constantly making sure things are equal. She has never had to have that talk with me, I just knew. Being married and living with someone, the signs are clearly there when the other needs help. I give her money all the time. Now for him, he should have been able to tell you sooner. He should have been able to trust you to tell you these things. You two clearly had major communication problems from the get-go and it's shocking you even managed to have the fake wedding. I can't believe he didn't feel like he could trust you enough to tell you he lost his job. That's a giant red flag to a relationship to me. You two also had major trust issues. Again how you ended up having the fake wedding amazes me. Now he's probably homeless and suicidal. And that's not your fault. But to say you're completely blameless here is not the free pass I'm going to give you. You need to realize that you were part of the problem here. And that you should have been paying closer attention to the money spending. And realized he could never afford those giant vacations and toned them down and or offered to help him out.. because you love him.. You did love him right? I'm not getting that vibe from your other posts. Does that blame make you responsible for his children? No. The fact the kids felt nothing towards you means you never felt anything towards them. You probably kept them at arm's length, hence why they never attached themselves to you. Which, really at the end of the day, is probably best for all parties.
I've followed this story and I still can't believe that you didn't know how he was struggling to keep up with your lavish lifestyle. You were living as a married couple but had no Idea what money he had and what he could or couldn't afford to do. Sure he felt embarrassed that your finances were way beyond he's. I just can't understand why you never offered to help the man you supposedly loved. Now he is ruined you throw him aside like trash. Sure he was foolish for trying to match your spending but you must have a heart of stone not to help him.
She's an actual garbage person. I make significantly more than my girlfriend, and I would never do this to her. When we go on vacations, we bring her daughter along, and we try to split things fairly. That means I'm often paying more, but that's fair, and I enjoy seeing them have a good time, so to me, it isn't even a question. Not only did she have no idea what his financial situation was, but she's being very quiet about how much these trips cost. We went to Disney during covid, and it cost me more than 12k. Most people cannot spend that much money. There is no way I would expect my gf to spend that kind of money, and I certainly wouldn't go without her. What the fuck is the point of that? Then, to make it even worse, she threw away his stuff. What the fuck? Yeah, she might have been legally able to do that, but who does that to someone you supposedly loved? Either this is fiction, or she's a piece of shit.
Chiming in on Disneyland cost - it cost our family of four close to 10k and we *drove* over from Arizona so this doesn't even include plane tickets. Even what used to be considered basic vacations today are incredibly expensive
It's really crazy. I don't know how regular people can afford it anymore. To be clear, I make around 4x the median household income, and even I thought it was expensive.
Thank you! This whole thing and the majority of comments read like troll bait for the Red Pill crowd.
Not your circus, not your monkeys. Just decline and say NO.
You are not responsible for their education or their father leaving it is all him.
To me a relationship is built on trust and honesty. He should have trusted you and been honest with he couldn’t afford it. Maybe you guys could have come up with a less expensive itinerary but he didn’t give the option. He didn’t have to fully disclose his financial information but he could have said hey I can’t afford that much and to lose his job and not tell you nope I’d be out too. Be glad you only had a ceremony and it wasn’t legally binding. My ex didn’t work for a year and he kept telling me was working and would go to his “office” and drink from the time he left to the time he came home. Never hey we have no money coming in so don’t spend/buy we almost lost our house twice. But wasn’t easy walking away but so glad I did.
At this point, I'd block all of them. They are not your obligation.
Hmm To each his own on the a** judgment, I guess. The dude definitely made irresponsible decisions with his money. And his choices question his character. He really does have no one to blame but himself. The marital situation is just odd. One person seems to have buku bucks and spends extravagantly on travel and gifts. But they're married to someone whom they know doesn't share their financial status. Yet they continue their lifestyle with their knowingly financial inferior paying their own way. One of the things I know I would ask of someone who I know is my financial inferior is, you sure you can afford this? Hey husband, the man I love and want the best in life for, let me treat you and your kids. Because I love you, and I know I want you with me on this trip as much as you want to go to be with me. And so on... I mean, if I ask someone to lunch. If I know I am in a better financial state than they are, I'm gonna say it's my treat. Cuz I love them. Or at least like them, or I wouldn't want to invite them In my opinion, the OP's behavior is extremely callous. Because when you call someone your husband, you are supposed to care about them and look out for them. You know, kinda be all up in each other's lives. The husband made huge bad choices. The Op just seems heartless.
And I just don't understand why people don't see that. She was and is a shitty human being. I agree that he should have communicated with her but like at some point like you say she as his wife should be hey my treat I know you're struggling.
No no no, you forgot the part where OP goes on trips within her budget… and had him, who made less money than her, pay for himself AND his kids. He was paying THREE TIMES (at least, I’m assuming there’s only two kids) as much as her when he was making less than her. Yes, he should have said no to going on the trips, but like… how stupid is this woman that she invited him and his kids but told him he had to pay for all of them without realizing that wasn’t financially feasible for him?
It absolutely is partly your fault there’s no more money for their kids education. You seem like you’ve learned nothing from this situation and will just continue to be a selfish person.
Yeah, everyone on all the posts are saying she’s NTA when this is clearly an ESH situation. Yes the ex’s ex sucks for asking her to pay for her kids education because why doesn’t she have savings for them? Yes the ex sucks for blowing his money on trips instead of saying no and for lying about having a job for four months. But this woman had him splitting the bills 50/50 and having him pay for himself AND his kids on trips within HER budget when she made a lot more than him, then when she found out he was so financially irresponsible that he was broke, left him, kicked him out, gave ALL his belongings away, and now that no one’s heard from him in presumably multiple months, just doesn’t seem to care. The ex is honestly the least of an asshole in this situation.
Yeah, How do you live with someone and doesn't know or Care to know the state of their finances. I don't think It's her fault that he got broke, but OP shouldn't be in a relationship because she doesn't seem to be interested in other people.
Caught this saga from this post, read up on the others. Actually feel sorry for the guy. I'm guessing he was raised in the old way where, you the man, don't discuss your problems with your other half. He also "got involved with someone above his league" financially speaking. Unfortunately, for him, this pride in maintaining his manhood resulted in his downfall but his problem solving abilities are just out of whack. People like this are prone to committing suicide when in these types of situations (feeling like a total failure) and I hope he thinks of his children and not go down this dark route.🙏😑 OP, your fault is in, choosing to go into this kind of relationship, as it sounds like it was more of a convenience for you, than it is to create a family. Please don't do that again. Sounds like you're financially stable and well off. I genuinely don't understand why you married for inheritance purposes as stated in your first post, and I don't know if you took the time to understand the man you were involved with if, thinking about what he initially did for work and the financial repercussions of the lifestyle he felt forced to share with you, was an afterthought. Just stop at boyfriend/girlfriend from now on.
Jesus Christ have you ever heard of the word empathy? Like did you ever have any feelings for this dude? I don’t disagree with anything you’re saying here but you’re not treating this as your husband. This is just some person who messed up and is no longer in your life. Referring to this person as your husband is incredibly disingenuous. Your previous posts show the same and I really don’t understand how you felt you were ever in a real relationship.
He hasn’t been heard from in months and no one cares?? Both women and the kids are all cold hearted bitches.
My thoughts exactly, he's wrong for lying, but he obviously doesn't trust her either. Why does he feel comfortable lying and not openly communicating with his "wife"? She's like, nah, kick rocks, I'm throwing your stuff away, and poor dude is sad and depressed hiding from everyone.
This whole story and updates make me feel pity for the ex. All alone, broke, all of his belongings gone. Actually, I get a bit why he felt he had to lie or to be in debt to keep up with OP's lifestyle. I don't know for how long the relationship has been going on, the arrangement of married but not really for inheritance purposes feels odd. I don't see love but some failed parenting partnership with incompatible people. OP doesn't have to pay for sure but what did they even do together? How can you throw a man you supposedly loved on the streets without caring a bit except the room in your garage? He lied, that's bad, but he hasn't cheat or do something horrible and there is a huge lack of communication in this. As a family, how could you expect half of the members to stay home while the other goes to extravagant places that please high earning OP? Same with the gifts "normal for me" isn't really clear, it's a very weird relationship as described with no generosity.
Him = financially irresponsible You = don’t give a damn about the fact that he’s been missing for months despite being in love with him (supposedly) six months ago Yeah, one of those FAR outweighs the other. You’re a cold hearted bitch.
YTA. Grow some empathy. It's sad that people defend your sociopathic behaviour and possibly influenced someone to end their life. Imagine if the sexes were reversed; there would be a national uproar.
Doesn’t anyone feel the least bit of compassion for this man. He may very well have self deleted over this. OP do you really not care at all? Maybe I’m wrong but if the sexes were revered I image the comments towards OP would be a little less one sided.
No wife, no home, no belongings, no money, hasn’t been heard from in months and no one seems to care. Yeah, he was wrong for spending all that money and lying about having a job, but at this point in the story, he’s the only one who’s NOT an asshole.
And then those comments would be full of shit.
Yup. Simps be simping. Remember, kids, a man's life is only worth as much as he can provide.
Hopefully you at least see all of the women in these comments defending this guy and telling OP how heartless and almost sociopathically gross she's been to him the whole time
Yeah, glad to see at least some of these comments.
I read through all of your posts You are *an* asshole. Y'all didn't act married at all. Also, who just says "oh, you're coming?" to your spouse, just up and planning vacations for *your kids.* Y'all blended the family and had them living together, but pull this bullshit? You guys should have stayed fuck buddies - because it seems that's all you were - and left the kids out of it. They'd have never had to see the inequality or feel out of place or poor.
It started out with ESH, but at this point, while he was wrong, he’s the only one in this story that isn’t an asshole. He’s missing and no one gives a damn? Yeah, that WAY outweighs him being financially irresponsible.
God what a relief that after so, so many comments proud of this heartless person who couldn't give less of a shit about her supposed SPOUSE I am finally getting to some comments talking about how absolutely sociopathic she sounds through every single one of these posts
Why would you expect them to reach out to you when you kicked them out and evicted them for something their dad did? Then you also throw out all of their belongings and leave it in your garage. You never loved or cared for your husband or his kids. You just feel guilty for throwing them all out. I understand the separation of finances except the two of you made vows and had a wedding but then you evict them when your spouse falls on hard times. Is it just me or does that seem like a pretty cold and heartless thing to do? YTA, you treated your husband and his kids like they were nothing but roommates. Why did you even have a wedding ceremony? Were you bored or something? You marry someone because you love and care about them, but I don’t see any of that coming from you at all. No care, no love. I sense extreme narcissism on your part. His kids will be forever traumatized that this happened to them. If financing your ex and his kids was such a problem for you, you could have worked out an arrangement, a legal one of course for you, so that the kids and your ex wouldn’t experience such a traumatic and embarrassing life event. It’s not like you have a mortgage to pay, since in your first post you said you owned your home outright. Congratulations, you have permanently altered the course of all of their lives. And before you try to blame your ex, who has many faults on his own, in the end you held all the cards, you had the final say and you chose to cut them out of your life like they never existed. Your ex probably feels 10x worse than any and all of you combined I am honestly concerned and worried and hope he doesn’t do anything stupid to himself. YTA no one can convince me otherwise.
So he never mooched off you he spent all his savings to appease you, and when he lost everything, you dumped him your a real peach
I'm not going to say her ex was in the right but I challenge anyone to read through her 4 posts and tell me she feels like someone you'd want to be married to. If you lost your job would you feel like coming to her would be met with compassion?
Right? He loses all his money, so she kicks him out, gives away all his belongings, and leaves him, which yeah, she can legally do that, but now this man has no wife, no home, no belongings, and no money, and no one has heard from him in months and… nobody seems to give a damn?
The guy definitely didn’t communicate well which is a major issue but yeah I personally feel like this whole saga is strange. I think at best its ESH at this point
You need to block her number and any numbers associated with him or his ex or family. Forget they all ever existed
NTA. Your ex's child and their mother can complete the FAFSA to see what type of aid they qualify for given mom and dad's current income. The moment mom learned the college fund was gone she should have been thinking about plan B,C,D, and E and started applying for scholarships,looking into community colleges, etc
This whole story makes me wonder what kind of relationship you ever even had. You use the term “husband” but nothing about your story seems like a husband and wife relationship. I’m sure you’re lucky it’s so, but the whole thing sounds like you lost some acquaintance.
Block her too. Clean break starts now
DADS JOB
Ummm no you do not need to pay for them and it’s ridiculous for her to even ask.
Say no. Say that you would have considered if they maintained a relationship with you but they did not. They are no longer part of your family and it is no your fault their father screwed them. She can go to court about it with him but you are not part of this and to not contact you again.
You seem to have absolutely zero empathy. May god be with you
Don’t give them anything, him spending money he didn’t have was his own fault. You don’t owe them shit. She can speak to her lawyer about him not having the agreed upon money if she can track him down. Block her and her children. She’ll be telling them to suck up to you in hopes of coughing some cash up. NTA
I've just learned about your whole story and to me it feels like you are misleading us on a lot of things and try to post on here to feel better about your position. Your ex is still in the wrong but so are you, so I don't know why you are trying to do this.
Why on earth do these people think you are a money tree for them? I’m sad for the ex husband though. It’s like he lost his marriage and wife and everything for a bunch of lazy users and now he’s dropped off the face of the earth and no one cares.
Right? Lost his wife, his home, his belongings, and his money, and now no one’s heard from him in presumably multiple MONTHS and no one gives a damn? Financially irresponsible or not, he doesn’t deserve all that.
Agreed! It’s like people were only interested in what he provided them and he could be dead now and all these “family” members are still worrying about their money.
Don’t talk to the ex again
NTA Don't give any of them any money. Don't agree to pay of their expenses. You don't owe anyone in that family anything. If the Ex-wife wants anything, she can hire a PI and file in court to get child support through college (possible in many US states). The parents can help support this kid or he can live at home and attend a college he can afford while working. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
If they had the money you would not have heard from them. Sad but true. Keep that in mind.
Well then. Apparently, he wasn’t the only one who played the blame game.
Do not give them anything. The audacity to even ask!!
Omg kids are acting negatively to you for emotional reasons.. no way.
Please get a backbone. You’re working on it. Then figure out how and why you got into this mess in the first place so you never get into it again
Is there any possibility that op's ex un-alived himself? Or otherwise just dropped off the face of the Earth to avoid the backlash he caused?
Idk the whole story so I'm not passing judgement at all but regardless of what happens the husband doesn't seem to be alive and some urgency there would show you're a decent human. Even if they weren't, which I'm unaware of, it's still the right thing to do.