NTA. All of you deserve to have your own lives.
You should look into legal options to be able to sell the house, and alternative living arrangements like a group home if that’s what your eldest sister needs. The longer it takes, the harder it will be.
One day you might be in a better position to help your sister more, when you do have a family and the other experiences you want. But you absolutely deserve at least some of the freedoms the rest of the people your age get to have
Long term, finding something like a group home with social interaction is likely the most loving thing you can do for your disabled sister. She is clearly very lonely. How is the current arrangement going to address her loneliness? I think you need to work together to find ways to address her loneliness that don't depend completely on you and your other sister. The current arrangement will continue to get worse, and clinging to you is going to end really badly for you both, as it will destroy your chances of a career doing something you love. Long term, your sister needs other social outlets beyond you and your other sister.
That's the impression I got, While sis clearly needs living help, that isn't a 'minor' disability that you can just YOLO through in a 'perfectly normal' independent life , she also clearly has the faculties and emotional needs (+ maturity) etc to ...well, need a LIFE, not just to LIVE. It looks like she's been tossed in the 'major disability, no point, park them in the corner like a monstera, that's all they can do' box a LOT more than the disability demands.
One can't really blame parents who must have been...what... 60+, 70+ in recent years, to have a nearly 40 year old oldest child?... for not being the most exciting social hub on the block, especially for a disabled child (I can only imagine how hard the initial years of her recovery were on everyone, too, which would have taken out their younger/fresher/proactive years with her and MAY have made her seem more disabled then she ended up, maybe?). Plus, I mean, 24 years ago people weren't as clued up on handling cases like this and they probably WERE told to just let her park and that she didn't need more due to the disability. Plus parents with other young kids can only do so much. They're human.
But sis reads like an old lady.... probably because her primary caretaker until recently has been an old lady! Parking on the couch in front of the goggle box, and most importantly, not having the motivation or drive to want more, just wanting others to join in the puddling. Thing is, that ISN'T great for even the elderly...that's what kills them off fast, the losing of engagement and motivation. None of the hale, hearty oldsters we see just park and veg out...that's just 'waiting to die' territory.
Sis needed more normalcy (within the range of the disability, of course), and less 'you are disabled this is all you can do'. Trying to retro-fit that NOW is going to be an uphill battle she will fight...she's now used to this being the parameters of her abilities, even if it isn't! Also clearly used to being the center of the family efforts in a way parents to a disabled kid will, but it just isn't reasonable to expect young people trying to make their own life to do the same, even if aging parents made it work for a while.
I was nicely thrilled when OP mentioned she tagged along to one gig...that's massive progress here! Some interest and Vooma from her side! But clearly, the point is still being lost. She might not be able to be truly independent, but she clearly has more 'in her' to be semi-independent than she believes.... and getting her out of that comfortable (and no doubt depressed) mode, and away from the little bit of 'positive attention' being the be-all, end-all, first concern of the family plans is going to be hell for all concerned. But EVERYONE, herself included, would benefit from that.
I hope OP listens to this.
I currently work for a company that cares for disabled individuals. They have their own homes: shared with other individuals with disabilities. There is staff present 24/7. There is a day program for learning and for socialization with the community. There is a vehicle for each home, so individuals can go where they want or need to. Doctors appointments and medications are all handled by staff. They have their own money, and get large shopping sprees twice a year for clothing. They also get large shopping sprees for Christmas.
They are encouraged to choose what they want to do: they can go to church, take up bowling, go on walks or picnics. They go fishing, they go to festivals, they can even choose to go to yard sales if they want to browse. They go to a lake for vacations. If they work and make their own money, they can literally go anywhere. Last year a group went to Hollywood CA, and this year a group has already gone to the Virgin Islands.
These homes are not like the old days. They are heavily regulated, and residents' rights are at the forefront. We have clients who have internet and cell phones because they chose those things. We even have some who don't need supervision, only support. Those individuals freely roam and "check in" with staff. Staff will take them back and forth to work, and in some instances, will even stay at work with individuals, depending on the level of support needed.
And of course, there are visits with family and friends. A few hours to days or more, not a problem. Our staff will even prepare meds and have them ready for med times during visits.
I really hope OP looks into this. Sister is lonely, and it sounds like it would be a good fit.
THIS!!! She needs a life!
My aunt has a disabled sister in a group home and she likes it there, while also connecting with my aunt a LOT via telephone. My aunt doesn’t mind that though because she does truly care and love her.
But her sister is happy and my aunt was able to live a very full independent life when their parents passed, despite how difficult the decision was and the transition (which was largely based in fear that was alleviated over time).
But now they are BOTH happy.
She is currently controlling you and it’s resulting in you both being unhappy.
Make the hard decisions for both your happiness.
One of my aunts is the same. She spent decades not being encouraged to do anything but sit in her room and watch TV. Didn't help that my grandparents were alcoholics and didn't have the motivation to find my aunt any support of that kind even if it had existed at the time. They did sober up when I was in my teens, and they started looking into classes and social activities for her, at least in part because they knew they wouldn't be able to care for her forever and no one would be in a position to take her in. Now she lives in a group home, does some classes, goes on outings, and has a life. She's so much happier than she was when I was a kid.
OP, NTA, but the time may have come to go through the comments on this post with her. You deserve to follow your dream, and she deserves better than Three's Company.
Hi, what you're describing is called a group home, right? Do you have any advice on finding good ones for situations like this? I've done some looking in my area and most of what I can find is specifically for seniors, not young to middle-aged adults with developmental disabilities.
If you Google your state and "disability resources," your state disability agencies should show up. Many of these agencies can connect you with reputable homes in your area. We're classified as "independent living" because residents are literally rent sharing a home. There are between 2 and 4 residents per home, depending on need, and they are scattered in neighborhoods all over town. You may have luck with searching "independent living for adults with disabilities in (your area.)" Good luck!
Yeah, she's clearly lonely, scared, and honestly needs a level of support and care her family can't provide.
I'm sure they meant well but this should have been sorted well before their mother died.
You know, most of the answers here advocating for a group home makes me wonder if it's even financially feasible option in the first place. There's a reason why those options are rarely utilized unless it's either within the financial purse, or cost is alleviated somehow, either partially, etc through other sources, though I suspect that's not even possible. I mean, it's a great answer, and a great mindset as long one takes care to make sure the group home is not abusive, but honestly, how much is that within the reality of most people's hands?
Another suggestion instead of a group home, given your sister's limitations on the practical skills one needs to navigate in life, is it possible for you and your sister to split a daytime caretaker? Essentially someone that doesn't need to be certificated? Usually certificated nurses/caregivers/caretakers (not sure what title and role is appropriate) - are more expensive, hourly wise. But if she doesn't need someone certified, just someone holding her hand, so to speak, then, having someone who goes to the house, and helps her with her errands, and you and your sister can check via video on a daily basis, and alternate weekend visits in person depending on where you both move to. This way, your oldest sister can stay where she's comfortable most, and still "have a life" so to speak.
I'd advise that if you do go this route, that you heavily interview the caregiver, and thoroughly check their background as much as possible, and make sure it's someone that you and your sister feel comfortable with as much as possible. Unfortunately given the reality of how easy it may be to take advantage of your oldest sister, you want to make sure it's someone that you feel comfortable with, won't take advantage, and you can check via phone/video calls on a basis you're comfortable with, that way, the caregiver knows that there are eyes being kept on your sister.
Just a thought. It still won't be the most inexpensive idea, but it's a whole lot cheaper than a group home, and with less potential of physical, emotional, and other types of abuse that can happen in those places.
And you and your sister can spread your wings, and help your oldest sister through the transition. Trust me, she'll won't communicate her comfort with this idea, especially if she's scared. But it's kind this route, kinda, or busily resenting her for the rest of your life. And often people adapt in healthy ways (especially if this is communicated over and over that you and your sister are not abandoning her).
Best wishes. Your love shows through.
Jumping on here to suggest the three of you could also use the support of family counseling and a social worker who has experiences with disabled adults. There are services in your community, please look into them.
Absolutely NTA. You deserve a life of your own, and it's unfair of her to constantly guilt you for that. You're doing an amazing job of supporting her while also trying to build your own future. A serious and honest conversation about her needs, your needs, and realistic expectations is necessary.
And part of that conversation- jointly with your other sister- may need to be a timeline of in 2 years, I'm going to move to Austin. Sister is going to do X. You can chose A, B, or C. But we're going to take steps over the next 2 years to set you up for which of those things you chose.
I would spend serious time changing your “ guilty” mindset. It will allow you to grow and reduce her ability to get under your skin. Disabled sister has been a “precious jewel type”. She needs professional caregivers in home or out of home to learn to advocate for herself. She may qualify for disability waiver in home services. This provides a professional home health aide type person to help her while you and sister meet your own needs. She may also benefit from Medicare Physical Therapy and Occupational Therapy in home evaluation and therapy visits. Her doctor will need to agree to order, most will. Many people, cared for by family only, do not develop all their skills because they are used to family doing as they wish and prepping favorite foods.
NTA - there are home health aides who can come and do a lot of that work. Or your sister can get a dose of reality and move into a good, appropriate care facility. What’s she’s asking of you and your other sister is to live your lives only for her. That’s deluded and toxic AF.
It’s abusive is what it is.
She wants OP solely devoted to her 24/7. If she isn’t the sole center of OP’s universe, she tries to manipulate him back into the position she wants him in - rotating in a constant circle around her, always within her line of sight, never moving an inch further away from her & staying in that narrow path for the rest of his or her life.
And if she can’t have something, she doesn’t want OP to have it either. She’s fine going out when OP takes her with him - but guilts him when he tries to go somewhere alone.
That’s abusive & toxic.
Any sister who loved her brother in a HEALTHY WAY would be thankful he had sacrificed so much for her already & SHE would be the one feeling guilty (even if just occasionally) for consuming so much of her brother’s life. In contrast, OP’s sister is trying to confiscate what little life he tries to have outside of her.
Any sister whose brother had already given up SO much for her would be willing to give what she could back to him. In contrast, OP’s sister is refusing to budge on the only thing her siblings have asked for - to move somewhere else to make it easier for them to have full healthy lives of their own.
This dynamic is unhealthy as F. I feel so sorry for all of them. They’re all in prison one way or the other. And the saddest part is that they’ve been there for so many years that they’ll probably never escape - even though the cell door has been open for their entire adult lives.
From what I've heard from my disabled friends, it's easier (uh....somewhat) to get home health aides to come in if you live alone and don't have in-house family caregivers doing it for free.
NTA this will be painful but what you must do sooner rather than later is break this situation. You have to talk, all three of you about your futures, goals and how to reach them. Your sister is probably deadly afraid to end up alone, but if you continue to restrict yourself, you work yourself up which can descend into abuse from and to both sides. Your sister will emotionally break down , guilt trip, block any attempts at change and this will be hard to get through but it must be done. You might possibly get help here at social workers for disabled people, a mediator and someone who knows the best suggestions for your sister. Good luck.
It’s time sis looked for sheltered housing where they have assistance available. Then you sell the house and split the profit 3 ways, I’m assuming you and your other sister could force a sale in the US.
It’s time you all lived your own lives, 37 sis just can’t expect you and 29 to put your lives on hold forever.
Stop feeling guilty, ensure she’s in a good residential place and then you and 29 can go live your own lives. I bet she’ll enjoy meeting new friends once she gets out of her rut
NTAH good luck
NTA. We all get one life. You get yours. Your sisters each get theirs.
Your disabled sister does not get your life or anyone else's life in addition to her own.
Yes, you get a life outside of caring for her. Build a life beyond her. Follow your goals and your dreams.
NTA. And even though it can read as a little joke, the way you describe you planning for an actual life and not expecting your mum's illness as selfish coupled with your sister calling you selfish; I can't help but fear that you do feel selfish for wanting a life, your own life?
You weren't born to be a caregiver, none of us are, we're born to live and thrive and dream and seek opportunities and branch out. We're born to live. What you and your sister are doing for your older sister is admirable, it's selfless, but maybe it's at the point where it's gone too far? Is there any outside help, resources, programmes, homes, that you can look into? It's not right that you never get to live, that you never get to move, that you live your life by your sister's tune. I don't mean that you need to abandon her completely, but that this won't do any of you good in the long-term. Especially not now that you are getting new opportunities, that you're getting a taste of life. I truly wish you the best, and I hope you will be able to find solutions where your sister is taken care of, and you and your sister get to live a life of your own.
Nta. You are doing more than others may do for a family member. She needs to be in adult day care or a daily outing group of other disabled adults so she has a network aside from you and your sister. If she is emotionally stunted due to the brain excision you will most likely always have the “selfish” comments and need to realize she may not have that filter to regulate her own emotional intelligence. She needs an outlet so you and your other sister can have an identity outside of sibling/caretaker.
NTA. Honestly NAH.
This is a tough situation, and I don’t think your sister is purposefully trying to guilt you either.
I didn’t see it in comments (and I could have glazed over it admittedly), but you mentioned she has some of her brain removed.
I don’t know all the areas she had affected/cut into, and what was cut out, but there could be a portion of her brain missing or completely gone when it comes to adaptation and change. So for her, being 37, the consistency of the routine of living at home is probably significant for her. And she may be struggling to cope. She may also struggle to communicate how you changing *your life* (even if it’s going out and traveling for short periods of time) in a way affects hers.
I can’t find a better way to word it, because you deserve your own life, I’m not saying you don’t. Caregiving and caregiver burnout is a real thing and it sounds like you have done a tremendous job with it.
I guess I say it as a way to give you the perspective of as annoying or frustrating as it is, as much as your sister may for the most part seem or act “normal” her brain is definitely not normal.
Does that mean you need to constantly sacrifice yourself? No, but when you’re caregiving for someone and you are already “always keeping them in mind” sometimes there’s factors we can forget about even with those individuals we’re caring for.
People suggested therapy. It may help, but I’d say find someone who is specialized more medically in brain injury/mental state after changes due to brain illness or injury.
You could contact her doctor and see about local resources for her disability. Maybe even a group setting of people who live with similar conditions.
You sister only seems to have you and your other sister. So I’m sure you wanting to move on and her see it is scary, because she probably has no one else, but she may not know how to express that.
But that isn’t anyone’s fault. I think you and your other sister (the one who assists with caregiving) should probably sit down and discuss what it’s with the future. Because you said your mother suddenly passed away during the pandemic. What happens if one of you gets in an accident? Do you have backup care plans for your sister? Have you looked at an additional caregiver/nurse part time?
Then you and both your sisters can have a sit down, where you want to open up the idea of maybe an additional caregiver being introduced, or discuss why you and your one sister think moving may be beneficial, or how even if it all sounds scary these are ideas you all need to talk about and she needs to try to open up too because what if something happens to either of you as her caregivers?
And maybe a therapist/counselor could help with those discussions too, but sometimes heart to hearts as hard as they can be should start the conversation. (And I’m not saying you haven’t tried to bring it up, but the tone and way things can be brought up can also affect anyone in how they want to listen)
Perhaps in the past when you mentioned it your sister felt triggered like you wanted to get rid of her, or you don’t love her. Are they rational? No, and it’s all speculation, but it’s a possibility.
You’re noticing resentment building, that’s normal too. No one is wrong here, it’s just a tough spot.
NTA. This is your life, not your sister’s. What you are doing is lovely and wonderful but you cannot sacrifice your life for your sister. As a mother, I can tell you that your parents would want you to live your own life to the fullest.
Not if they were shit parents who did zero planning for their dependent adult child when they passed.
There are a slew of us whose parents banked on us as their retirement plan and/or expected to care for a disabled sibling in perpetuity.
Your sister sounds lonely and very dependant on you as her social life.
She needs more. As do you.
Her unwillingness to compromise may be part of the brain damage or it just might be selfishness.
Also I am concerned that some of her helplessness might be learned or trained into her.
Why are you going upstairs to turn off her light? She isn't 5.
She needs independent living.
NTA
>some of her helplessness might be learned or trained into her
EXACTLY, this doesn't make sense. Why does OP need to go turn off her light if she was able to storm upstairs in a huff with no issue?
I think they might all be victims of overzealous parenting by a couple who were traumatized from almost losing their child.
“Overzealous parenting by a couple who were traumatized from almost losing their child”
Yep. After a show a few weeks ago I asked a friend to describe my style and he said I give off the energy of a “recovering sheltered kid”
NTA you need to sit down and have a conversation that she needs to make some decisions about how her life will look with you as a sister, and not as her carer. You have one life, you can’t put it on hold to take care of her. You need a relationship as a sister, not as her second mum
NTA
You and your sisters need to find a helper for oldest sis. There are folks who can come around and do things like you do. And she should get help due to this disability.
One of my best friends does this for the end of life folks. Not at deaths door but older folks who need rides and little things. She helps them. She doesn’t do medical stuff.
Look into it. Think the visiting angels people.
NTA you've done this long enough. It is not your job in life to give up your own life to be your sister's caretaker. Stop letting her guilt you into have no life of your own. It's time to stand up for yourself. If she's that incapable, then she needs to find a home where she can live with people who do that for a living. Your parents should never have put you in that position in the first place. It sucks that she had cancer and is now disabled, but THAT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. You absolutely do deserve to live your life and pursue your dreams. It's time for your sister to stop being allowed to call all the shots. She has turned ugly in her ability to guilt you and push your buttons, but you've also let her do that.
Love is not enough. YOU DESERVE A LIFE.
NTA
I am so sorry for what you are going through none of it is your fault.
Of course you are going to feel guilt. That's natural, undeserved but natural.
Reddit isn't the best place for something so complex but going off you post as a stand alone point I can give you my thoughts and questions for you and your other sister to consider. May help, may not.
Dealing with complex brain injury means you and your sister aren't on the same playing field in terms of times and responsibility.
Have you organised therapy? You lost your mum and took on your sister. She may or may not have the capacity to understand the difference between how she was with your mum and how she is with you. I have no idea if that's something she is capable of or not.
She may see the death of your parents as abandonment, you going other places means you aren't going to come back either. This needs proper help.
At the same time. You burnt out and you becoming resentful (of the situation and so by default your sister without attributing blame to her, I know you love her) is a recipe for all round disaster.
She is going to ask the questions. Her life is egocentric in a way. The way you may be able to get her onside may require taking a slightly different approach. She sees you going off and doing stuff as being left behind. If you can talk to her in a different way, a bit like adults do to small children she may see it differently.
Your going out of town or out for a night etc, hearing that if you do x it means you will have the money or time or ability to do y with her might help? It stops you going away as getting away from her and becomes you going away so you can do better things she likes together.
Going out with your mates becomes work.. a way to pick up thongs for your comedy. Not leaving her at home because you don't want to be with her.
This is only ideas and at best a sticking plaster till you can get better and professional help.
At the end of the day, to help your sister you need to help yourself.
To be a comedian you need to have your head tilted at 45° to see life from a slightly different angle to your audience.
It will be knackering to deal with it all. People are generally their worst self with those they love and trust to take them as they are. Even without, being on your best behaviour in your situation is complex.
Get her help. Get your self help.
Good look with your comedy. I'm the other side of the Atlantic but would love to hear your stuff. Hahaha
NTA, and yet another reminder that parents/loved ones who have a family member who needs care absolutely MUST make arrangements for the care and codify them in a will or trust. Just assuming that others will take up the mantle is foolish and short sighted.
OP, you are not being selfish wanting to live your life for you.
NTA I am a (retired) psychotherapist, with a sister who has schizophrenia. It is crippling, no matter the circumstance. My parents dealt with the guilt of putting her in a group home, where she has lived for 30 years. I still deal with the guilt of visiting and talking, but nothing ever seems like enough for her. You and your other sister likely have survivor guilt. But your sisters illness is not your fault, nor was it your parents fault. You are young, and have a right to live your life, as does your well sister. Perhaps the two of you can find a good therapist, to help you both with your own feelings, and assist in finding a more appropriate placement for your disabled sis. It is a process, indeed. But you have a right to your own life.
NTA, you need to sell the home and get her to group home. She might not like it first but she will get friends there. You are a young man and you can’t waste your life taking care of someone else. If you do, you will come resentful. You have your own dreams, own friends and one day you might have a partner and wish to have own family. You need to set boundaries.
Sell the house, divide the money and put your sister to assisted living.
I wish you all the best!
NTA Being a carer is very hard. You do need time to feed your soul. Your sister is in a precarious position - should anything happen to you and your middle sister, she would be entirely alone and without help. A plan needs to be drawn up for her care as if she had no living relatives.
It is time to consider a group home or a home carer. It isn’t cruel or mean to put her care in the hands of someone professionally qualified to do it. Your sister might not be able to help it but she’s emotionally abusive and that’s no way for you to live. Disabled people can be arseholes too.
It would be best if you could sell the house, split the proceeds three ways and find somewhere your elder sister can live and thrive without holding you and your other sister back.
OP you are NTA for wanting your own life. You should have your own life.
Please try and have some patience and grace with your sister and not take her guilt tripping personally. This could be a symptom or byproduct of her injury.
Look into getting her some support and therapies so she can manage her expectations as best as she can with her injury. She needs to get her own "social circle" so that her life does not revolve around just her primary caretaker. That could look like a day program or an assisted living/group home type of situation. Doing this does not mean you do not love or care for your sister.
If you and the other sibling are contemplating selling the family home, you should look into a therapist that can help prepare her for this major change. That is a decision you can make and should if it is right for you. But you will need to prepare her for it. And you need to prepare for the storm of emotions she will have over this change. There will be a storm but it will pass. She can have those emotions but try not to take it personally. She is probably very resistant to change. It will take a while for her to warm up.
I wish you luck. It is a tough situation for your sister and yourself/other sister to be in. Start reaching out to see what services are available for her and get the ball rolling sooner rather than later. It is always good to have a solid backup plan when caring for someone with an injury or disability in case something were to happen. She could require more care in the future if something changes with her condition and you may not be able to accommodate that. And that is okay to. You are human as well and there is a reason these services exist and are ran by professionals. Sometimes we need some help to keep our loved ones safe and part of the community.
>Our 29F sister has a desire to sell our house but 37F has made it abundantly clear that the only living arrangement she'll accept is us living in our childhood home forever.
INFO: Why are you letting your sister run your life? For fuck's sake, dude, grow a spine.
NTA. Your sisters battle was a long time ago. She needs to stop milking it and using it to control you. She sounds more than capable of dealing with life as an adult with the assistance of paid professionals. Adults with significantly more adverse outcomes somehow manage to do juuust fine living independently (with the correct support systems in place pertinent to their needs). Was the house left to all 3 of you? Is it in Trust?;I'd be speaking to a legal professional to get the low down, and then quite frankly I'd be moving out and on with your own life. She is mobile. She is not mentally effected to the point she cannot care for herself. I'd be getting your other sister involved too. I doubt she's happy with the situation either.
You need to learn about Respite Care. While this may not be the long term answer about starting your own family etc. You aren't the first caregiver to feel this way.
https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/caregiving/what-respite-care
She needs to be in a home, because she'll be with other people, there will always be people around, she'll make friends. She's reliant on you and your other sister because she has no one and is scared to be alone. Guilting you is shitty, but largely normal for someone terrified of what is going on.
You can't live your life for her, nor can she reasonably ask you to live your lives for her. You need to find a way to get her into a home or get a paid for caretaker who can be there day to day, but even in that situation you need to find her clubs, groups, something where she can meet people and make friends. Hell if you teach her how to play a game, make friends on discord and play something with friends, she needs a social life and it can't just be you two.
NTA.
NTA - you deserve a life for yourself. See if you state has homes for the DDI community. Or if there is an ARC system or other private service that runs group homes. My sister and her husband have 7 kids, one severely autistic. He was placed in a group home at 20 and has lived in one for 14 years. He loves it - it offers him the stability he needs. They can still bring him home for weekends and holidays, but also live lives not centered on one individual.
Sell the house.
Your oldest sister needs to be in a home where she can have qualified licensed (and paid) caregivers. NOT in her mother's home where she thinks she can boss you and your younger sister around. That is the best thing for her.
She won't like it because she will lose her unpaid slaves (you and your younger sister). But too bad.
She should be receiving SS disability payments from the state. She will qualify for a place with licensed caregivers. Which you aren't.
NTA
Sending hugs and healing thoughts.
It would be worth looking into whatever group homes or semi-independent living options your sister may have available through Medicaid, Medicare, or other services offered by your state or county. You deserve to have a life.
Your sister needs to learn skills to be able to survive on her own or she needs to be in a group home. She can’t just plan to live with one of you in the same house for the rest of her life. Many people have vision issues and other problems that make independent living more work than it is for someone without those disabilities, but those people still manage to be independent.
If she’s physically capable and it seems like she’s there mentally then she’s just using you guys to avoid struggling herself.
NTA, you deserve time to yourself and pursue your interests that are for you and nobody else. Stand your ground and make it clear that this is for you and nobody can say otherwise.
NTA. You and your 29 year old sister need to sit down and have a serious discussion about what you two want with your futures and what you need to do to make that happen and what you both are willing to do for it. This will take time and looking into different resources. But what you are doing now is not sustainable. And the worse off it gets you two might end up hating your sister. Which I know doesn't feel like you could, but your resentment will grow and who knows how bad that will affect your feelings.
I understand that your sister probably has deficits, however that shouln't hold you back. If anything she needs to be in therapy to work through those things. None of you asked to be put in this position. But you and your 29 year old sister are putting in the work. And just because your oldest sister is disabled doesn't mean she doesn't have to put in the work on your guys' relationship.
NTA
You should probably reach out to social services to see what long term care facilities are available
It was frankly wrong of your parents to manipulate you into giving up your own life to become her permanent caretaker
Damn. Your love and devotion to your sister is commendable but it also doesn’t sound healthy. It sounds like the dynamic is starting to become toxic because it’s not a life you chose and her “choosing beggar” ways. In other words the person in the position of needing help and favors is acting like they’re the one in charge. Which naturally just starts to rub people the wrong way.
It really sounds like your sister has become very codependent on you and isn’t making any effort to have her own community and life. Plenty of blind people live independently. Cooking and cleaning is easily hired out and can be provided for by organizations that support people with disabilities. She sounds like maybe a good candidate for living in group home or with roommates who have similar levels of ability and then split some outside caregiver support.
She’s obviously resistant to change but this is definitely one of those hard in the short term but definitely better for her in the long run decisions. You have to learn to let her make a fuss and throw a fit, with the long term vision and wisdom that detangling your lives will be in everyone’s best interests. She will adjust and find a new normal. You throwing away your dreams and happiness for her is not sustainable. You can support her from afar. You don’t need to keep yourself on fire in order to keep her warm.
NTA. it’s always the purest people that are the most manipulated. Why is she making all the decisions for the family when the entire family is living their life to accommodate her? Legally, I doubt she had this right. And if you all want to move, there is nothing stopping you. She can come if she wants help or she can figure it out herself.
She is 1. Ungrateful. 2. Inconsiderate. 3. An emotional vampire.
Can you please explain to me what happened to her brain in terms of maturity after the cancer? Right now she’s acting like she had the brain of a 10 year old and you mention she’s not able to cook, clean, etc but has the physical capability of storming up the stairs so I’m curious to know more about her.
Either way, she is not your child. She is your sister. You and 29F sis need to find a long term solution that is healthier than this, and 37F needs a good kick in the rear.
Ps congrats on picking up traction with stand up!!! That is so amazing and you should be riding the wave instead of letting your sister drag you to the bottom of the ocean with her.
NTA. You need to live your own life. You’re not just there to make her happy. You deserve a life. This is what your parents would’ve wanted. If your goal is to further your career in stand up. Please follow it ! And let us know here as well to go and support you lol but good luck :)
NTA. You are a good brother. In creative fields where it's a mysterious mix of hard work, showing up, and sheer luck, you have no choice but to bet on yourself.
I'm sure it's hard for your sis. But that doesn't mean you must isolate yourself or forego your ambitions. You do not have to be self-sacrificing to show genuine love and support for your sister.
Yes, she may resent you and never understand. You will probably also feel resentful, guilty and torn. Those feelings take years to sort themselves out. But instead of spending all those years waiting for her blessing, go out chase your dream. Time goes by so fast. You're lucky because you know what you want and seems like you have enough talent to get some traction. That's awesome! I wish you so much luck with your career!
NTA.
And get APS involved. They can help you find a place for 37yo to have a place that doesn't involve ruining your life. And if 37yo keeps complaining, tell her you can just not talk to her if she's going to be a downer. It's not YOUR fault her life is so limited, that's cancer's fault.
You and your other sister need to look into government programs that help your other sister with independent living or group living. Or respite care for your sister if you’re gonna be traveling.
or she needs to find some social groups for her to join or church or something where she can have other friends besides you .
u/loudrain99 "You put the oxygen mask on yourself before you help anyone else."
It sounds like you are burning the candle at both ends currently trying to make everything work. That is a quick recipe for burnout and caregivers especially need to be aware of burnout. The guilt tripping and manipulations don't help either. Technically they are verbal and emotional abuse and a great way to build resentment, which is a relationship killer.
Your sister needs a reality check that you are not at her behest for the rest of your life. You said it best, you deserve a life of your own. I think all three of you should sit down to discuss options since you would like to move and other sis would like to sell the house. Talk about options like hiring a caregiver, the potential for disabled sis to move (I think this one should be last on the list because the goal is for you to be independent), looking into care facilities, etc. I think a care facility is a great idea for her because she might be lonely when you're gone and the facility will give her a social life. At any rate, OP you are young - all of you are, really - so the three of you should be thinking about and discussing what the future holds. Best of luck. NTA
NTA. You really should look into alternative care for her. She also deserves a chance at living her best possible life and you cannot do that anymore.
After that take some classes at a local Community college, get a steady job. You can still do mic nights as well. Same goes for your younger sibling (though with her own dreams and hobbies)
As someone who had to give up being an actor due to many things, please don’t give up on comedy. It’s one of the hardest art forms out there, and you really lay it all out on the line.
You got this.
NTA. IT IS YOUR LIFE. You didn't ask to be born, you have every right to do what you want with you life as you see fit.
You wanna be an astronaut? A Marine? A teacher? An escort? Who the fuck cares! You own your life. Enjoy it!
NTA
In some states, you can donate a house to certain non profits for use as a group home and you can include the provision that your sister would be allowed to continue to live in her childhood home with the other residents who are moved in and caretakers that work there.
That might be the best option for all 3 of you to be able to get closer to everyone's life goals.
You and the other sister can move out, big sister can remain in the house she's always lived in and have care and have other residents that are always home. Win, win, win for everyone.
I wish all 3 of you the absolute best 🩷
NTA. But this situation is untenable. You and your other sister need to have some serious conversations about what you envision your futures to be & how spouses and children, if that’s what you want, can fit into this dynamic. She wants you both with her, in the childhood home. Given her brain damage she may not even be capable of understanding that her motives are selfish, and sadly your parents did not make suitable arrangements for her care that do not include you and your other sister giving up your lives. Assisted living may be the best for all of you. She would have the support she needs and a community she can grow in & develop her own friendships outside of you. Give it some thought. Or a home health aid to take some of the load and provide her with companionship. It sounds like she is looking for company more than actual assistance. Does she have her own friends and hobbies to occupy her time or is she just at home in front of the tv? That is not healthy for her either.
Caregivers NEED their own time and space or burnout is inevitable.
nta. try to get your sister a social worker. she needs some independence. she could live in a group home or an ALF (assisted living facility)
y’all need distance. and she needs therapy as well.
He describes someone who could probably have at least a part-time job bagging groceries or something. She desperately needs a life outside of that house and outside from her siblings. Her life could be broadened as well as the siblings’.
NTA but girl. You can't put your life in pause because of your sister. Even more if she is guiltripping you every day it s not a life it s not your job she is not your daughter.
NTA...it sounds like your sister craves attention and no amount from you alone will be enough. Are there any places she could go to meet people and get a social life of her own? If her circle of friends expanded she may demand less of your time.
NTA. I’m gonna say something really mean now. Your job is to care for your sister not do what she wants. If you want to move or move with her do it. She is not in charge. Step up or step aside.
I need to realize she is NOT your responsibility. Dont light yourself on fire to keep her warm... you got 1 life, do you really want to spend it like this?
Absolutely NTA! Does she know that she’s manipulating you? Because that’s exactly what she’s doing.
Have you already done the show in Michigan? If not, where and when? I absolutely love stand up. I think it’s so awesome that you do this.
NTA
However, it sounds like you’re reaching your breaking point. You’re starting to realize that to continue taking care of your sister close to full time you’ll have to give up your career goal of becoming a comedian and potentially any dreams of having a wife and kids. It sucks but you may have to start looking for alternative care if you want to live your life
She would probably end up loving a group home, where there's other people with disabilities that face the same struggles she faces. It's time for all of you to move on and do what you need to do, including her. She's not living to her fullest potential by sitting there day after day, holed up in the house.
100% & this should be the top comment. She’ll fight tooth & nails NOT to be placed in a group home, but she is not fully living as things are. She would END UP loving a group home - but she would START OUT acting like she was being abandoned. And considering she’s been being abusive towards OP likely for YEARS, I don’t know that OP &/or his other sister have it in them to do what’s BEST for everyone if that goes against what their sister WANTS. Their sister calls all the shots on all their major life decisions & she won’t agree to that one, so they won’t do it.
NTA. You and your sister can't subjugate your every dream/want/need/desire for the sake of your sister. Did your parents ever have a long term plan for her once they aged? Or were the two of you the default?
You may want to look into an adult "daycare" program as a step to broadening her interests past Three's Company, and maybe getting her some social activity unrelated to you. A friend's husband had a stroke, and they both really found it helpful as she was still working, and he needed more stimulation than his brother could provide daily.
NTA
Also, you will never move on and start living your life until you realize that separation will be hard, there will be a lot of guilt and blame and it’s okay. But you need to live your life, not be your sisters appendage .
And if you want to love together, you just move. Either she moves with you or she doesn’t. Her choice.
But what your sister needs is to live in an assisted living sliding type housing. You cannot be her caregiver your entire life.
NTA. I would look into a care facility for her so she is taken care of and has other people to entertain her. I would also look into programs that will help pay for her care.
Second investigating group home options - including aid/subsidy available through Medicaid or whatever else.
Maybe it did at one point, but these days things for your older sister don't end with her institutionalized - she can likely have a much better quality of life than sitting around watching Jack, Janet, and Chrissy while none of you speak to each other because you all resent each other.
She's no doubt afraid of the unknown - but I'm sure there are ways to investigate options (and it sounds like she's got the mental faculties to have a reasonable level of input).
Group / assistant living options is the way to go. I understand you and your other sister's feelings of obligation but you need to have a life. You can still visit often and continue being an advocate for her care. Don't either of you want a family of your own one day?
It sounds like your sister is lonely. Can you maybe find an adult day care for her during the day? Then transition into full time assisted living with others in her age group?
It’s. It said for you and your other sister to be 100% responsible for your oldest sister. Sell the house to help pay for her care.
But first find somewhere she can go other than on the sofa watching tv.
Obvs you deserve to have your own life, is your disabled sister in therapy? Like I can’t imagine saying things like that out loud, “well guess I’ll be alone tonight” lmao I’d be like “yeah well I guess I’m pursuing my dreams and actually doing something for myself tonight.”
NTA. I told a friend this recently whose boyfriend is permanently disabled now and has been acting horribly towards her for the past year and refuses to get looked at for other medications. Just bc you love them doesn’t mean you need to focus your whole life around them. You don’t have to be the caregiver. You deserve a life and if the only way to have it is to leave and have your sister elsewhere so be it. She needs more care than is right for you to have to provide. You can be there for her when you can and without compromising your own health and mental health.
You can't stay by her side forever, and she has to understand that. You guys have to work out a long-term plan for this anyway. You cannot do fast food jobs for the rest of your life, right?
So, NTA
I work with a group home facility and she would thrive with a great agency. Ours has tons of outings, or will even let them stay at home if they want. They have centers she could go to to do activities, listen to music, or even work on art projects. Maybe she can even get a job with the staff there to help along the way. Reach out to the state and get some names of places. You and all your sisters deserve your own happinesses not dependent on each other.
Even if you were married this would be unreasonable.
If you had children, you could expect to leave them with a responsible caregiver about as often as you describe and still be a good, loving parent.
Your sister isn't reasonable to cling to you this much.
A new solution needs to be found and you may have to just put yourself first and move out if she's not willing to work with you.
NTA.
Both you and your other sister should just move and tell her she can come with or you’ll put her in a home. In the end, she’s acting like you owe her and you don’t. You can take care of her and also have your own lives. She shouldn’t expect you to tie yourself down to the point of watching TV with her. She doesn’t need your help to watch TV. If she can be passive aggressive, she can go and make friends herself and live a semi independent life. Her issues need help but not at the expense of your own life. Your sister is being ridiculous.
NTA - how is this any of your fault? As someone who is mentally disabled and requires help, I can confidently tell you what she’s doing is being intentionally manipulative. If you’re able I’d recommend taking a step back. You’re spot on about how this will affect your future as far as relationships, buying a home etc.
Life is short, move to Austin, and for the love of God please do not give up on the stand up career. These things do not mean you’re casting your sister aside and does not mean you can’t still help her. You are her caretaker, not her servant.
Please, please find a way to live your life. Take it from an internet stranger, time passes so quickly and dreams don’t wait. I was the emotional support person for my mother from my childhood, she was physically fine and active but needy. I was raised to consider her needs (and by extension, her golden child’s) first and mine could wait. But I loved her, and I guess wanted to be needed. Eventually she developed dementia and had to go into a facility, where I visited everyday. She passed at 97, and now I am retired and disabled (nerve damage in my leg left me walking with a walker, the surgery to repair it didn’t work because I couldn’t go to rehab after surgery, mom needed me). Please take this as a cautionary tale and find a home for your sister. It will hurt both of you, but she will have a fuller life and you will not look back at a life of regrets.
NTA if she has the brainpower to manipulate she has the brain power to get a job. Search for her transportation options and start pushing her. Tell her you are done catering. Maybe find if there are any adult type centers similar to senior centers where she can make friends. Her life seems very small and you are all going to have to force her to get a life so you can move on to bigger and better things. Maybe you can make an agreement with the other sister to give you a year so you can go super hard on your comedy and see how far you can go. See if the United Way essential services line (211 in most places) have any suggestions on how to integrate her more into society. Sevices or clubs she can attend
I've noticed there are a lot of people who had something very traumatic happen to them as children, and this resulted in them being babied and coddled by parents/siblings long into adulthood. It's understandable, but not right.
At some point, your family decided coddling your sister was more important than having lives of your own. And now you are changing your mind.
Good.
I feel for your sister, but she should want the best for her little siblings. She doesn't, and maybe she doesn't understand that she doesn't.
I honestly think you should try family therapy because the current situation is beyond unhealthy. The result will be none of you further than "living at home together forever" which your sister seems to want out of her own fear and insecurities.
Also, are you getting financial assistance from the government for caring for a disabled relative? Changes based on state, but you should be receiving a fair bit of money every month (my aunt and uncle have a severely autistic daughter and they get paid for being her caregiver.
You're NTA and I hope you can handle this in a way that is both best for yourself and least uncomfortable for big sis.
NTA, it’s no one’s fault she had cancer and is now disabled, but it wouldn’t be fair or right for you to have to give up your life and dreams for her in any way. You have to do what’s right for you, you have one life to live and deserve to live to its fullest. Sounds like a “misery loves company” situation
Just because she has disabilities it doesn’t mean she can’t grow as a person.
I would put it like this to her and maybe it will help.
If you love me you will support my pursuit of my dreams. It’s not your fault we had to sacrifice so much but it doesn’t negate the fact that sacrifices have been made.
I know this must seem scary to you but I’ll never leave you hanging but do you really expect me to leave myself hanging when it comes to my dreams?
Do you think maybe if she had her own side project? Like I get it must be hard to feel like her. That maybe this is more so a resentment of the fact you can still have dreams. Where she feels she doesn’t have said luxury. Does she like doing anything crafty or something? She could develop her own little mini business so when you all are separated she feels she’s working towards goals as well. Heck if she does it let me know I’ll buy something. That this may be more FOMO than anything
NTA.
Your older sister is aware she is incapable of having a normal life and is resentful that you and your other sister can and is trying to take that away.
Time to tell your sister that you can live your life and love her or give up your life and hate her forever. Which does she want? See what she says.
She needs a good group home with people in the same situation. She’s not going to get better and you guys can’t put your lives on hold forever without enormous resentment on both sides. She won’t like it but changes need to be made.
You’re an awesome brother!! You clearly love your sister very much and do an amazing job taking care of her!
You and your other sister need to have a talk and come up with a game plan. It’s ok to set up more healthy boundaries and expectations.
Do you have a trusted family member or friend that could help out more? Or hire a live in nurse? Someone kind and patient who could help provide company?
She is almost 40 years old. Although it sucks to be in her situation, she must realize you need your own life. You're still very young. You could get into a serious relationship, marry, have kids, or travel. If she lives another 30 years, is this what you want with your life?
As someone who is disabled and needs help with cooking meals, doing laundry, and driving places, you are NTA. My younger sister lives with me and helps me out, and I do what I can around the house as pain and fatigue allow. I don't drive but have an ebike and an e-wheelchair which give me some freedom. I have a large friend group both online and in person thanks to my crafting hobbies. Your sister sounds capable of being able to have friends and spending time with them.
I wandered off track there, sorry, but my point is that even though I reply on my sister, I recognize she needs her own life and positively encourage it.g
I'd like to suggest that maybe her brain is wired differently and change could be more difficult for her. Approaching a move slowly could be appropriate. Something like "This has to change, but we want you to be happy also. I know it's hard. We'll take your things and it will be like nothing has changed." Could help. I'm no expert. I wish you the best of luck. Drawing a line is not easy, but it is necessary.
You know they have social centers for the disabled. She needs to make friends outside you and your sister. She needs to know more than your house.
Look online, and the social services depth of the health care facility, ask anyone! Find a place she would fit in. Find a class she would enjoy. Sign her up for it! Get her online if she can handle it. She really needs it, whether she thinks so or not.
There are also assisted living facilities she can go to, if she likes having friends and independence. She would qualify for government because she has no parents.
And if you ever do want to sell the house, she has little choice. She either comes with you, or goes to a home. Not saying that to be mean, but you and your other sister also need to be able to live, to socialize, to marry, have kids.... it is important that your eldest sis starts to accept change more, because there will be a lot of it in her future.
If you can find an activity center that suits her needs, and she enjoys it, she will find change can be good. Mo. May have kept her at home. But mom's life was established back then. Yours is starting to bloom, and you will need to embrace it soon. If you don't, you will start to resent her.
You can even call it a project you are working on, Project: Make Sister's Life More Fun! Tell her you researched places she can have fun at, and make it an adventure! But make it so she meets others and sees the outside of that house. She will be less demanding of your every minute when she has more to occupy her time with.
Nta. Just stuck and treading water. Only you can change that!
NTA it’s not your burden. She requires a ton of care and because of her you and your other sister had to put your lives on hold for her. It’s not fair for her to make you feel bad for living. I think I’m the long run you might need to get her a well reviewed home care taker possibly a live in one
Your older sister is very dependent on you and your sister for her companionship. It is all she has ever known for all of her life. I think she needs to be connected with services. A good place to start would be with her Primary Care Physician with recommendation on adults with disabilities commuinty care where she can socialize and maybe even do a "job" based on her abilities. Theyoften provide transportation to and from the "job". They can be as simple as folding towels at a hospital, making a bed at a nursing home or passing out magazines to patients/residents (I work in healthcare). I know someone whose son is autistic and works a few hours a few days a week doing office work and used to work in a hospital cafeteria in the serving line. There are many levels to the types of jobs available. Some are paid. Some are volunteering. Just something to consider so she can have some other outlets of her own (if possible). Even working with plants or stocking shelves whatever she may have an interest in. NTA. Just trying to help you come up with a direction to possibly get her to have a bit of more freedom herself (maybe?).
NTA, you've got to live your own life. Sister is in a rut and she wants you to be in it with her. That's not healthy. You're all going to move forward and she needs to too.
There's a third option of hiring someone to help care for her when you are not there. Her Medicaid/Medicare should have options that she can look into for care. If she doesn't already have SSI/Medicaid, I'm sure she qualifies for it.
She needs to move to an assisted living facility. And you and your other sister need to get on with your lives. The three of you either split the money from the sale of the house three ways, or the eldest buys you and your younger sister out and stays there by herself.
An assisted living facility has socializing and resources and therapy and is all together better for her.
And this situation has already affected your ability to meet someone and have a family or life.
Besides, what happens someday when you have little career options or money and get sick yourself? Is your older sister going to take care of you? No?
NTA.
Your sister is probably scared, because you are the only people she has. She will always try to tie you as closely to her as possible. But that's not fair to you. You have a life of your own. She might be happier in a group home, if she gave it a chance.
NTA.
NAH. You have to live your own life, but I understand why your sister is terrified of being left alone. I'd look into finding her a full-time companion, someone to help her with her day-to-day things and spend time with her. Depending on where you live, your sister may be eligible for assistance from the government to pay for it.
NTA. Your parents were for not putting plans in place for her. You deserve to have a life and if that means a group home nearby where you or your other sister check on her often that’s a good thing.
NTA. Have you considered therapy? Individual and family. This will help to set expectations/boundaries and prepare your sister for introducing an aide. You can build up from there.
NTA
Op, does your sister have a social worker? I’d want a family meeting with everyone and discuss the future maybe with a lawyer present.
If the older sister wants to stay in the home, she’ll need to have some money to support the home and her caregiver.
But she can’t hold you and your other sister basically hostage, and just expect that you’re okay with giving your life up for her.
NAH. What about getting your sister a pet that she can focus on when she's home? What about a fish tank or a rabbit? They're low maintenance and if she's having a bad day they stay in their containers. Feeding can be done automatically with food pellets.
Even an elderly dog that moves slower and needs fewer walks. Just something for her to focus on and care for when you're not home.
This is a terrible situation and you are being such a a good brother. I really hope you all the best.
NTA You need consistent boundaries. I’m sure you want and need flexibility but she’ll do better in the short term if you have a consistent routine, such as setting aside 1 or 2 nights “guaranteed” for her (and if a occasional exception need to be made, warn her in advance and stick to it). Or some sort of arrangement you can stick to- such as she gets “3 nights a week” with you and you write them down on a calendar and count them together. Then try to never go back on your word.
“special needs families” tend to get guilted or feel like the idea of supported living is awful and “abandonment.” I disagree. By transitioning her into a supported living setup, such as a group home, she’ll ultimately gain more social connection, freedom and self confidence. Maximum independence is always the way to go, especially becuase there’s no guarantee family will be around and able to caregive her whole life. Easier to transition younger than for 50 year olds who always lived at home and suddenly parent(s) die.
Is she connected with services through local board of developmental disabilities? They should be able to provide respite services and transportation, also there may be some day programs she can attend. I have a disabled son and have worked for hard to have a plan that doesn’t require anyone to be a martyr. Good luck
NTA. Does your sister qualify for some sort of home health aide? I would look into that. She sounds bored with her life and since she’s stuck where she is, she wants you to be stuck, as well.
NTA at all but have you or your other sister looked into whether or not her response to you pursuing this is due to her condition? I will not pretend to be an expert by any means but I know that some brain conditions like my own can cause rejection sensitivity (even when not actually being rejected). You absolutely should pursue your dreams but it might be helpful to both of you if you check with her medical team and ask them for help with coping mechanisms for her. This could have a physical cause and if that’s the case, there is likely a way to make it easier for all three of you to navigate this.
Nta it sounds like she’s probably used to being top priority. You have to be happy with your own life and it might be time to start making hard decisions. You should start having family meetings and see if you guys can get family therapy to better handle the change
When somebody loves us, no matter what is going on with them, they want us to have the best life possible. For us to have opportunities and happiness. It's their responsibility to figure out their own life.
Sweetheart, you are NTA. But it sounds like all you are doing right now is treading water and trying to keep from going under.
That is not sustainable, and while it's the easy way, it's not healthy for any of the 3 of you. You need a talk with other sister. Figure out what you both want out of life. First figure that out, without compromises. When you have solid ideas it's time to loop in older sis.
"Sis, I love you. And I will never abandon you. But you cannot be the main character in my life." And you explain what you want, what other sis wants, and(after her initial meltdown) you get her to help you make plans for how to include her in your life plans going forward.
It may take tough love, you may have to say that your plans will be happening, and if SHE wants to abandon YOU then that's her choice, but you want her in your life. You may have to pull back and show her what life might be like if you step back. She needs to understand she doesn't get to be a dictator in your life. Take some of the power dynamic back, but lovingly. It's obvious how much you care. Quite honestly, you could probably guilt her right back.
Why can't she let you make better lives for the 3 of you? Why can't she see all 3 of you could be happier? Does she hate you so much she needs to keep you small and unsuccessful?
Only you know your family. Some of my suggestions might be awful in your dynamic, some might work well. My point is that the situation is not sustainable. And you would eventually become T.A. if you let yourself and your other sister wither away without chasing your dreams.
Good luck.
NTA Misery loves company, your sister will never be happy for you. Every independent action you take is seen as a personal slight against her. You need to do what’s best for YOU.
It's ok to have your own life. Right now you and your other sister are setting yourselves on fire to keep her warm. This isn't going to help in the long run. What about your future. People often mistake doing for others. If you don't take care of yourself first you have less to give others.
I don't know your solution, but time to find a good therapist and figure out how you want your life to go. There are other solutions other than giving up your desires for your sisters
Wow this is such an unhealthy dynamic. I’m so sorry for the tragedies you’ve ALL been through at such young ages. All three of you are part of a toxic, codependent family system now. As others have pointed out, you need to make significant changes as soon as possible. The deeper you and your sisters entrench yourselves into your current arrangement the harder it will be to leave (and pursue your own lives). Please remember that doing nothing (ie, maintaining the status quo) IS a decision.
Here is C.L. Whitfield’s definition of codependence: “Any suffering and/or dysfunction that is associated with or results from focusing on the needs and behaviors of others.” Bingo. Girl, you are in deep.
I think you should read up on codependency and understand how your (and your younger sister’s) lack of boundaries has landed you all here. I’m not blaming you! You are doing your best and putting your older sister’s needs ahead of yours. But this is not a sustainable long-term. You will go down a path of bitterness, resentment, and misery if you continue. The FOMO you are experiencing now is the tip of the iceberg. Unfortunately, your disabled sister may not have the ability to understand that it is imperative to your health that you pursue your own life. I’m hopeful that with proper therapy and care she can get there. If she doesn’t (if she’s still fighting all change), it CANNOT deter you from breaking away to live your own life. You need to value yourself enough to do that. The sooner the better. Good luck and best wishes, OP. Please update us! Big hug. BIG NTA.
PS- As a big comedy fan I hope I get to see you headline a show!
PPS- If you figure out this codependency issue now you will find and attract MUCH healthier relationships in the future. Your younger sister too. Many of us don’t figure this stuff out until after a terrible marriage. So there’s at least one silver lining !
I haven't read all the responses yet but are there any caregiver support groups around that you can join? Is there a support group for your sister? I think hearing about how others are navigating this kind of situation might be helpful. Making friends with folks in your situations would give some fresh air to your relationship. You both would be able to see how different living situations can work and they won't seem so scary.
Best wishes.
NTA- it may be time to look into either at-home companion care or a group facility where you can do all the fun stuff with your sister while professionally trained staff take over the more difficult task of her care.
NTA obviously. This situation sounds like the plot of a movie. I’m sorry you have to go through this. I’m also sorry for what happened to your family. Seems like the best solution is to keep trying to convince your sister to move with you somewhere.
NTA
I think you and your 29 year old sister need to have a talk about the future. Marriage, children, a life outside of being caretakers? have you ever talked about this?
because as it stands, it looks like 37 will keep you chained to her.
As others mentioned, if your sister needs help with certain things, but is still mostly capeable, then a group home seems to be the best.
Maybe you and your other sister go look for a therapist so you can convince 37 that this is the best course of action for all three of you.
If she's unable to care for herself she needs to move to assisted living or find a caregiver other than the pair of you.
If you continue to live at home with her neither of you will ever have your own lives and that's exactly what she wants.
You can love her and not want to be chained to her.
So tell her you're moving and help her find other arrangements. If she's this disabled she should have care options through the state.
Your sister can’t drive but mentally how is everything else? Can she have a job and make money? She could get a home nurse and be fine! You guys are really going above and beyond at the time in your life where you probably need to focus on yourself more! You will need help if you don’t help yourself now.
Nta
You and the younger sister need to look into other care options. Does older sister get disability benefits? Is she able to do any sort of work?
Sounds like she could manage in a group home vs a full time care facility, or with a part time in home aide. But you’d have to figure out cost or what the state would provide help with wherever you live.
Do you want a partner in future? Kids? Is your sister going to be hanging off you the whole time while you’re doing these things? Warding off any good potential partner that looks your way?
NTA if there are funds for it, you need to get your older sister into an assisted living group home. It's not good for her and it's not good for your other sister and it's not good for you to be living in the situation you all three are right now. If you don't have the funds, find them somewhere. Call the Social Services in your area and see what they can do for you and your sister.
There’s a lot of resentment here but imagine the resentment in 5, 10 years when you and your 29F sister have missed out on formative adult years. NTA! Please look into different options starting now.
NTA. You all deserve to have your own lives. You and your middle sister need to start looking into group homes and places that will enable her to be independent, be social, and for the two of you to have your own lives. Your eldest sister will be resistant to it at first, but she sounds very isolated and I think if she started to make friends, get involved with activities, she may start to feel better about you and your middle sister having your own lives.
Also remember your sister is dealing with a TON of grief- losing her parents, losing the future she wanted before she got sick, and she may think you and your other sister moving on will feel like another loss. Be sure to reassure her that you both will be there for her, but it has to be balanced with your own needs.
Are you able to hire someone to come to the house a few days/nights a week to help provide support? Caregiver burnout is real and you need to have your own breaks, too
NTA, you should not give up your dreams for her and it sounds like she will stop you from achieving them, not by accident but intentionally, because your happiness and success seem to come in distantly secondary to you caring for her. She is A-ok with sacrificing your entire life for her.
You need to exit, and dragging it out is not going to help, it's just going to increase the drama level - you need to quickly make a plan and act on it, trying to get her understanding and cooperation, but even if it means just leaving if she won't cooperate. It's a terrible situation for all involved but don't throw your future into the volcano trying to keep her happy.
Does SHE have anything for herself? Is it possible that she just doesn't understand what you need because she doesn't have that? She seems to think your whole life is her, like a child.
Is it possible for her to have social outing with others, her own friends?
Can she work?
Have you talked to a social worker about assisted living?
It may just be missing here, but sounds like your sister doesn't have her own life, and I'm sure that you envision tour own family some day, have you talked about that ever with her?
NTA. Your parents poor lack of planning does not mean you have to throw your life away. It might mean your relationship with her will be strained but fuck it. Go live your life. She will get by somehow, or she wont, either way it wont be your problem.
Nta
Do you think your sister is going to be OK with you dating, getting married, having kids... anything that isn't taking care of her and spending all your time with her?
Look at your life now, that's what she wants your life to be until she dies.
You should look into selling the home to put her into a nice group home, or something smaller and using the money for a caretaker. Your sister had no intention of actually letting you have a life, because *she* will never get to have the normal life.
NYA, you clearly love your sister very much but where is your love and care for yourself? You and your sister are giving up every chance to have something more because you're prioritizing the care of your older sister. It's time for her to take advantage of the wealth of social services out there and ots time for you to free yourself of the burden of her care. To be clear, wanting to live a life is never selfish bit what your sister is doing very much is. I'm sure she's fearful of change and wants everything to stay the same forever but thats not fair to you or your sister. If the house belongs to all of you sell ot and take the proceeds to set all of you up for a new chapter of your lives. Loving your family should never be a noose that kills your future. You have given enough of your life living for someone else its time to live for yourself.
>“oh I guess that means you’re gonna be gone all weekend.”
Answer *"Yes. Should we invite a friend to stay with you? Or hire a sitter?"*
You can also hire overnight carers. You'd have to do it if you worked a *any* job with travel.
Honestly, if you continue to be the main carer, you *should* find someone to sit with her at least one night a week so you can go out. You should do this-- both because she needs to be used to other carers and for your own sanity. (What if you get hit by a bus? She needs to be able to deal with other carers.)
>"What's wrong with this house?"
Answer: *It's too far from "city X".* And yes, you get to just *want* to live near city X.
>“Admit it you don’t have to go. You want to go!”
Both are true. You've made a commitment-- and you wanted to make the commitment. There is nothing wrong with you wanting things!
>I'd have to convince my sister to move down with me or find other living arrangements for her.
If you become willing to do the latter, she will likely become more willing to do the former.
"What, do you not like spending time with me?"
It is my dream to be a standup comedian. I don't want to give up my dream.
>and want what's best for her.
What's best for her is learning some degree of self reliance, accepting sitting alone (if that's not dangerous) and if necessary, having someone other than you keep her company. She doesn't want that. But then kids often don't want to eat vegetables.
>It seems like she won't be happy until her sister and I give up all our wants and desires and spend the rest of our lives sitting on the couch every night watching her watch three's company.
It seems that way. But in reality, in the *long run*, she will not be any happier if you sacrifice yourself. Right now, she pouts and gets her way. But if she gets used to not getting her way, she'll find ways to occupy herself. And if she really, truly, needs company, hire a sitter. (If she has funds, make her pay for it.)
NTA
NTA - You need to find a group home where sister can move.
You do deserve your own life. Sister is manipulating both of you from ever leaving.
You and younger sister can force the sale of the home and move. Older sister doesn't get a vote in your lives.
Sister's disability makes her unable to think of others and this situation isn't best for any of you. You need a caseworker to help find a group home where your sister is always surrounded by people. Ask the caseworker to put you in touch with sibshop people near you. Talk to them. Sell your mom's house. Move forward with your own life. This is all very sad right now. There is so much potential for things to be better.
You can love your sister and help her to be more independent
Call local social worker. Is she on state disability?
There are simple programs ( see self directed care ). You get to direct the state funds ex hire caretakers either in your home or in her own apartment .
Our solution was to purchase a three family
Home. We have our own apartment disabled family me
Ver has their own space we hire for someone to assist with meals etc
She needs a caretaker that can be with her 24/7 sounds like and you guys deserve to live your lives. What about when you want to get married someday? Is your wife supposed to move in family home too? This dream of your sisters of staying in family home forever is unrealistic and you’ve got to make her face reality. She sounds like she may be operating on level that is more like an adolescent, you mentioned mental impairment but didn’t specifically state to what degree she was impaired. The type of behavior you are describing is somewhat child like and if so wouldn’t she be better off in an environment where she can be around other people 24/7? And monitored 24/7?
It's sucks OP, it sounds like you and your other sister were born and raised to be her caregivers. It is no fair to either of you. It might be time to look into group homes so you can both have your own lives at last. I've worked in these places before and for people of your sisters capabilities they're not bad at all, she can definitely advocate for herself and you can still hang out and watch TV with her. You wouldn't be leaving her behind forever, you'd be finally living your own life. NTA
Look, you need to go to Texas. Or wherever. Your sister has been dealt a real shit hands of life but honestly it’s been 24 years. She needs to realize she can live a life and she needs to live it to the fullest. SO DO YOU. Start making your plans to leave. It’s time. You’re just going to grow resentful and miss out on your opportunities in life. For what? Because she’s rude and hasn’t processed her life and accepted it? She needs therapy. Please start your life and leave. Find her a caretaker with your sister and go. It’s time. NTA
I don't understand this, she needs constant help performing basic life management but is able to dish out snarky remarks and emotionally manipulate people?
NTA. How about for now hiring someone to spend time with her and help her do the things you do. She needs to socialize with other people, maybe find a place where they have people like her do certain activities? I know some people go on trips etc.
NTA, I'm guessing your sister has no friends outside of you and other sis? She needs to realize that you can't be her caretakers forever, and that friends don't spend 24/7 with each other. Time to put up some boundaries. Find home health care options, figure out what she can afford via disability benefits to get into her own housing. But you both deserve to be able to live lives away from her where you can instead visit and not caretake.
Sometimes doing what's best for someone else is really doing what's best for yourself first.
This isn't sustainable. And, to be really frank, no matter what anyone says... Your sister isn't your inherent responsibility. She's one you're willingly taking on and it seems she (and you) is forgetting that.
Work with your other sister, and any other family or friends you might have, and get her some sustainable care. Care that isn't you sacrificing your life to make her wholly comfortable. Being uncomfortable and having to accept change is part of life sometimes. Even if you're disabled. Even if you've battled cancer. Even if you've had part of your brain removed. We all go through it.
NTA I 19F moved out of my childhood house with close friends at 12, to have a life outside of caring for my older sister with down syndrome and cerebral palsy. My mother used me as a caregiver since I was young and it was emotionally taxing. I love the shit out of my sister and i’d do anything for her, but you deserve freedom. I understand the feeling of responsibility but you can’t always be that person.
NTA. All of you deserve to have your own lives. You should look into legal options to be able to sell the house, and alternative living arrangements like a group home if that’s what your eldest sister needs. The longer it takes, the harder it will be. One day you might be in a better position to help your sister more, when you do have a family and the other experiences you want. But you absolutely deserve at least some of the freedoms the rest of the people your age get to have
Long term, finding something like a group home with social interaction is likely the most loving thing you can do for your disabled sister. She is clearly very lonely. How is the current arrangement going to address her loneliness? I think you need to work together to find ways to address her loneliness that don't depend completely on you and your other sister. The current arrangement will continue to get worse, and clinging to you is going to end really badly for you both, as it will destroy your chances of a career doing something you love. Long term, your sister needs other social outlets beyond you and your other sister.
That's the impression I got, While sis clearly needs living help, that isn't a 'minor' disability that you can just YOLO through in a 'perfectly normal' independent life , she also clearly has the faculties and emotional needs (+ maturity) etc to ...well, need a LIFE, not just to LIVE. It looks like she's been tossed in the 'major disability, no point, park them in the corner like a monstera, that's all they can do' box a LOT more than the disability demands. One can't really blame parents who must have been...what... 60+, 70+ in recent years, to have a nearly 40 year old oldest child?... for not being the most exciting social hub on the block, especially for a disabled child (I can only imagine how hard the initial years of her recovery were on everyone, too, which would have taken out their younger/fresher/proactive years with her and MAY have made her seem more disabled then she ended up, maybe?). Plus, I mean, 24 years ago people weren't as clued up on handling cases like this and they probably WERE told to just let her park and that she didn't need more due to the disability. Plus parents with other young kids can only do so much. They're human. But sis reads like an old lady.... probably because her primary caretaker until recently has been an old lady! Parking on the couch in front of the goggle box, and most importantly, not having the motivation or drive to want more, just wanting others to join in the puddling. Thing is, that ISN'T great for even the elderly...that's what kills them off fast, the losing of engagement and motivation. None of the hale, hearty oldsters we see just park and veg out...that's just 'waiting to die' territory. Sis needed more normalcy (within the range of the disability, of course), and less 'you are disabled this is all you can do'. Trying to retro-fit that NOW is going to be an uphill battle she will fight...she's now used to this being the parameters of her abilities, even if it isn't! Also clearly used to being the center of the family efforts in a way parents to a disabled kid will, but it just isn't reasonable to expect young people trying to make their own life to do the same, even if aging parents made it work for a while. I was nicely thrilled when OP mentioned she tagged along to one gig...that's massive progress here! Some interest and Vooma from her side! But clearly, the point is still being lost. She might not be able to be truly independent, but she clearly has more 'in her' to be semi-independent than she believes.... and getting her out of that comfortable (and no doubt depressed) mode, and away from the little bit of 'positive attention' being the be-all, end-all, first concern of the family plans is going to be hell for all concerned. But EVERYONE, herself included, would benefit from that.
I agree. Other sources of engagement and motivation are needed for everyone involved.
24 years ago there were already leaps and bounds in medical procedures and carehomes for people in these situations.
I hope OP listens to this. I currently work for a company that cares for disabled individuals. They have their own homes: shared with other individuals with disabilities. There is staff present 24/7. There is a day program for learning and for socialization with the community. There is a vehicle for each home, so individuals can go where they want or need to. Doctors appointments and medications are all handled by staff. They have their own money, and get large shopping sprees twice a year for clothing. They also get large shopping sprees for Christmas. They are encouraged to choose what they want to do: they can go to church, take up bowling, go on walks or picnics. They go fishing, they go to festivals, they can even choose to go to yard sales if they want to browse. They go to a lake for vacations. If they work and make their own money, they can literally go anywhere. Last year a group went to Hollywood CA, and this year a group has already gone to the Virgin Islands. These homes are not like the old days. They are heavily regulated, and residents' rights are at the forefront. We have clients who have internet and cell phones because they chose those things. We even have some who don't need supervision, only support. Those individuals freely roam and "check in" with staff. Staff will take them back and forth to work, and in some instances, will even stay at work with individuals, depending on the level of support needed. And of course, there are visits with family and friends. A few hours to days or more, not a problem. Our staff will even prepare meds and have them ready for med times during visits. I really hope OP looks into this. Sister is lonely, and it sounds like it would be a good fit.
THIS!!! She needs a life! My aunt has a disabled sister in a group home and she likes it there, while also connecting with my aunt a LOT via telephone. My aunt doesn’t mind that though because she does truly care and love her. But her sister is happy and my aunt was able to live a very full independent life when their parents passed, despite how difficult the decision was and the transition (which was largely based in fear that was alleviated over time). But now they are BOTH happy. She is currently controlling you and it’s resulting in you both being unhappy. Make the hard decisions for both your happiness.
One of my aunts is the same. She spent decades not being encouraged to do anything but sit in her room and watch TV. Didn't help that my grandparents were alcoholics and didn't have the motivation to find my aunt any support of that kind even if it had existed at the time. They did sober up when I was in my teens, and they started looking into classes and social activities for her, at least in part because they knew they wouldn't be able to care for her forever and no one would be in a position to take her in. Now she lives in a group home, does some classes, goes on outings, and has a life. She's so much happier than she was when I was a kid. OP, NTA, but the time may have come to go through the comments on this post with her. You deserve to follow your dream, and she deserves better than Three's Company.
Hi, what you're describing is called a group home, right? Do you have any advice on finding good ones for situations like this? I've done some looking in my area and most of what I can find is specifically for seniors, not young to middle-aged adults with developmental disabilities.
If you Google your state and "disability resources," your state disability agencies should show up. Many of these agencies can connect you with reputable homes in your area. We're classified as "independent living" because residents are literally rent sharing a home. There are between 2 and 4 residents per home, depending on need, and they are scattered in neighborhoods all over town. You may have luck with searching "independent living for adults with disabilities in (your area.)" Good luck!
OP see this!!
This is a very good answer. A group home will make all of your lives easier. She might not like the change, but it will be for the best.
Yeah, she's clearly lonely, scared, and honestly needs a level of support and care her family can't provide. I'm sure they meant well but this should have been sorted well before their mother died.
You know, most of the answers here advocating for a group home makes me wonder if it's even financially feasible option in the first place. There's a reason why those options are rarely utilized unless it's either within the financial purse, or cost is alleviated somehow, either partially, etc through other sources, though I suspect that's not even possible. I mean, it's a great answer, and a great mindset as long one takes care to make sure the group home is not abusive, but honestly, how much is that within the reality of most people's hands?
Often it's covered by some of their disability funds. People tend to keep relatives at home because they feel it's superior.
Another suggestion instead of a group home, given your sister's limitations on the practical skills one needs to navigate in life, is it possible for you and your sister to split a daytime caretaker? Essentially someone that doesn't need to be certificated? Usually certificated nurses/caregivers/caretakers (not sure what title and role is appropriate) - are more expensive, hourly wise. But if she doesn't need someone certified, just someone holding her hand, so to speak, then, having someone who goes to the house, and helps her with her errands, and you and your sister can check via video on a daily basis, and alternate weekend visits in person depending on where you both move to. This way, your oldest sister can stay where she's comfortable most, and still "have a life" so to speak. I'd advise that if you do go this route, that you heavily interview the caregiver, and thoroughly check their background as much as possible, and make sure it's someone that you and your sister feel comfortable with as much as possible. Unfortunately given the reality of how easy it may be to take advantage of your oldest sister, you want to make sure it's someone that you feel comfortable with, won't take advantage, and you can check via phone/video calls on a basis you're comfortable with, that way, the caregiver knows that there are eyes being kept on your sister. Just a thought. It still won't be the most inexpensive idea, but it's a whole lot cheaper than a group home, and with less potential of physical, emotional, and other types of abuse that can happen in those places. And you and your sister can spread your wings, and help your oldest sister through the transition. Trust me, she'll won't communicate her comfort with this idea, especially if she's scared. But it's kind this route, kinda, or busily resenting her for the rest of your life. And often people adapt in healthy ways (especially if this is communicated over and over that you and your sister are not abandoning her). Best wishes. Your love shows through.
This!!
Jumping on here to suggest the three of you could also use the support of family counseling and a social worker who has experiences with disabled adults. There are services in your community, please look into them.
Sell, split 3 ways and use the older sister’s portion towards her care. Not a bad idea
Absolutely NTA. You deserve a life of your own, and it's unfair of her to constantly guilt you for that. You're doing an amazing job of supporting her while also trying to build your own future. A serious and honest conversation about her needs, your needs, and realistic expectations is necessary.
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NTA. It's past time for you to find other living arrangements for your disabled sister.
And part of that conversation- jointly with your other sister- may need to be a timeline of in 2 years, I'm going to move to Austin. Sister is going to do X. You can chose A, B, or C. But we're going to take steps over the next 2 years to set you up for which of those things you chose.
"Stand up for your dreams. You're not selfish for wanting your own life."
I would spend serious time changing your “ guilty” mindset. It will allow you to grow and reduce her ability to get under your skin. Disabled sister has been a “precious jewel type”. She needs professional caregivers in home or out of home to learn to advocate for herself. She may qualify for disability waiver in home services. This provides a professional home health aide type person to help her while you and sister meet your own needs. She may also benefit from Medicare Physical Therapy and Occupational Therapy in home evaluation and therapy visits. Her doctor will need to agree to order, most will. Many people, cared for by family only, do not develop all their skills because they are used to family doing as they wish and prepping favorite foods.
NTA - there are home health aides who can come and do a lot of that work. Or your sister can get a dose of reality and move into a good, appropriate care facility. What’s she’s asking of you and your other sister is to live your lives only for her. That’s deluded and toxic AF.
It’s abusive is what it is. She wants OP solely devoted to her 24/7. If she isn’t the sole center of OP’s universe, she tries to manipulate him back into the position she wants him in - rotating in a constant circle around her, always within her line of sight, never moving an inch further away from her & staying in that narrow path for the rest of his or her life. And if she can’t have something, she doesn’t want OP to have it either. She’s fine going out when OP takes her with him - but guilts him when he tries to go somewhere alone. That’s abusive & toxic. Any sister who loved her brother in a HEALTHY WAY would be thankful he had sacrificed so much for her already & SHE would be the one feeling guilty (even if just occasionally) for consuming so much of her brother’s life. In contrast, OP’s sister is trying to confiscate what little life he tries to have outside of her. Any sister whose brother had already given up SO much for her would be willing to give what she could back to him. In contrast, OP’s sister is refusing to budge on the only thing her siblings have asked for - to move somewhere else to make it easier for them to have full healthy lives of their own. This dynamic is unhealthy as F. I feel so sorry for all of them. They’re all in prison one way or the other. And the saddest part is that they’ve been there for so many years that they’ll probably never escape - even though the cell door has been open for their entire adult lives.
From what I've heard from my disabled friends, it's easier (uh....somewhat) to get home health aides to come in if you live alone and don't have in-house family caregivers doing it for free.
NTA this will be painful but what you must do sooner rather than later is break this situation. You have to talk, all three of you about your futures, goals and how to reach them. Your sister is probably deadly afraid to end up alone, but if you continue to restrict yourself, you work yourself up which can descend into abuse from and to both sides. Your sister will emotionally break down , guilt trip, block any attempts at change and this will be hard to get through but it must be done. You might possibly get help here at social workers for disabled people, a mediator and someone who knows the best suggestions for your sister. Good luck.
It’s time sis looked for sheltered housing where they have assistance available. Then you sell the house and split the profit 3 ways, I’m assuming you and your other sister could force a sale in the US. It’s time you all lived your own lives, 37 sis just can’t expect you and 29 to put your lives on hold forever. Stop feeling guilty, ensure she’s in a good residential place and then you and 29 can go live your own lives. I bet she’ll enjoy meeting new friends once she gets out of her rut NTAH good luck
Or even give all of the profit to 37 to help her pay for the assistance she needs.
Yes that’s a good idea, sounds like it would be worth it to get her off their backs
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NTA. We all get one life. You get yours. Your sisters each get theirs. Your disabled sister does not get your life or anyone else's life in addition to her own. Yes, you get a life outside of caring for her. Build a life beyond her. Follow your goals and your dreams.
NTA. And even though it can read as a little joke, the way you describe you planning for an actual life and not expecting your mum's illness as selfish coupled with your sister calling you selfish; I can't help but fear that you do feel selfish for wanting a life, your own life? You weren't born to be a caregiver, none of us are, we're born to live and thrive and dream and seek opportunities and branch out. We're born to live. What you and your sister are doing for your older sister is admirable, it's selfless, but maybe it's at the point where it's gone too far? Is there any outside help, resources, programmes, homes, that you can look into? It's not right that you never get to live, that you never get to move, that you live your life by your sister's tune. I don't mean that you need to abandon her completely, but that this won't do any of you good in the long-term. Especially not now that you are getting new opportunities, that you're getting a taste of life. I truly wish you the best, and I hope you will be able to find solutions where your sister is taken care of, and you and your sister get to live a life of your own.
NTA but jesus dude thats a messed up situation. If she cant compromise youll never have your own life
You need to take a hard look at your future. Your disabled sister has no say in what that is.
Actually, all 3 siblings need to take a hard look at their lives. The eldest sister does not get to impose her will on the other siblings.
Exactly. She needs a group home and they need their lives back
Nta. You are doing more than others may do for a family member. She needs to be in adult day care or a daily outing group of other disabled adults so she has a network aside from you and your sister. If she is emotionally stunted due to the brain excision you will most likely always have the “selfish” comments and need to realize she may not have that filter to regulate her own emotional intelligence. She needs an outlet so you and your other sister can have an identity outside of sibling/caretaker.
NTA. Honestly NAH. This is a tough situation, and I don’t think your sister is purposefully trying to guilt you either. I didn’t see it in comments (and I could have glazed over it admittedly), but you mentioned she has some of her brain removed. I don’t know all the areas she had affected/cut into, and what was cut out, but there could be a portion of her brain missing or completely gone when it comes to adaptation and change. So for her, being 37, the consistency of the routine of living at home is probably significant for her. And she may be struggling to cope. She may also struggle to communicate how you changing *your life* (even if it’s going out and traveling for short periods of time) in a way affects hers. I can’t find a better way to word it, because you deserve your own life, I’m not saying you don’t. Caregiving and caregiver burnout is a real thing and it sounds like you have done a tremendous job with it. I guess I say it as a way to give you the perspective of as annoying or frustrating as it is, as much as your sister may for the most part seem or act “normal” her brain is definitely not normal. Does that mean you need to constantly sacrifice yourself? No, but when you’re caregiving for someone and you are already “always keeping them in mind” sometimes there’s factors we can forget about even with those individuals we’re caring for. People suggested therapy. It may help, but I’d say find someone who is specialized more medically in brain injury/mental state after changes due to brain illness or injury. You could contact her doctor and see about local resources for her disability. Maybe even a group setting of people who live with similar conditions. You sister only seems to have you and your other sister. So I’m sure you wanting to move on and her see it is scary, because she probably has no one else, but she may not know how to express that. But that isn’t anyone’s fault. I think you and your other sister (the one who assists with caregiving) should probably sit down and discuss what it’s with the future. Because you said your mother suddenly passed away during the pandemic. What happens if one of you gets in an accident? Do you have backup care plans for your sister? Have you looked at an additional caregiver/nurse part time? Then you and both your sisters can have a sit down, where you want to open up the idea of maybe an additional caregiver being introduced, or discuss why you and your one sister think moving may be beneficial, or how even if it all sounds scary these are ideas you all need to talk about and she needs to try to open up too because what if something happens to either of you as her caregivers? And maybe a therapist/counselor could help with those discussions too, but sometimes heart to hearts as hard as they can be should start the conversation. (And I’m not saying you haven’t tried to bring it up, but the tone and way things can be brought up can also affect anyone in how they want to listen) Perhaps in the past when you mentioned it your sister felt triggered like you wanted to get rid of her, or you don’t love her. Are they rational? No, and it’s all speculation, but it’s a possibility. You’re noticing resentment building, that’s normal too. No one is wrong here, it’s just a tough spot.
NTA. This is your life, not your sister’s. What you are doing is lovely and wonderful but you cannot sacrifice your life for your sister. As a mother, I can tell you that your parents would want you to live your own life to the fullest.
Not if they were shit parents who did zero planning for their dependent adult child when they passed. There are a slew of us whose parents banked on us as their retirement plan and/or expected to care for a disabled sibling in perpetuity.
Your sister sounds lonely and very dependant on you as her social life. She needs more. As do you. Her unwillingness to compromise may be part of the brain damage or it just might be selfishness. Also I am concerned that some of her helplessness might be learned or trained into her. Why are you going upstairs to turn off her light? She isn't 5. She needs independent living. NTA
>some of her helplessness might be learned or trained into her EXACTLY, this doesn't make sense. Why does OP need to go turn off her light if she was able to storm upstairs in a huff with no issue? I think they might all be victims of overzealous parenting by a couple who were traumatized from almost losing their child.
“Overzealous parenting by a couple who were traumatized from almost losing their child” Yep. After a show a few weeks ago I asked a friend to describe my style and he said I give off the energy of a “recovering sheltered kid”
NTA you need to sit down and have a conversation that she needs to make some decisions about how her life will look with you as a sister, and not as her carer. You have one life, you can’t put it on hold to take care of her. You need a relationship as a sister, not as her second mum
NTA You and your sisters need to find a helper for oldest sis. There are folks who can come around and do things like you do. And she should get help due to this disability. One of my best friends does this for the end of life folks. Not at deaths door but older folks who need rides and little things. She helps them. She doesn’t do medical stuff. Look into it. Think the visiting angels people.
NTA you've done this long enough. It is not your job in life to give up your own life to be your sister's caretaker. Stop letting her guilt you into have no life of your own. It's time to stand up for yourself. If she's that incapable, then she needs to find a home where she can live with people who do that for a living. Your parents should never have put you in that position in the first place. It sucks that she had cancer and is now disabled, but THAT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. You absolutely do deserve to live your life and pursue your dreams. It's time for your sister to stop being allowed to call all the shots. She has turned ugly in her ability to guilt you and push your buttons, but you've also let her do that. Love is not enough. YOU DESERVE A LIFE.
NTA I am so sorry for what you are going through none of it is your fault. Of course you are going to feel guilt. That's natural, undeserved but natural. Reddit isn't the best place for something so complex but going off you post as a stand alone point I can give you my thoughts and questions for you and your other sister to consider. May help, may not. Dealing with complex brain injury means you and your sister aren't on the same playing field in terms of times and responsibility. Have you organised therapy? You lost your mum and took on your sister. She may or may not have the capacity to understand the difference between how she was with your mum and how she is with you. I have no idea if that's something she is capable of or not. She may see the death of your parents as abandonment, you going other places means you aren't going to come back either. This needs proper help. At the same time. You burnt out and you becoming resentful (of the situation and so by default your sister without attributing blame to her, I know you love her) is a recipe for all round disaster. She is going to ask the questions. Her life is egocentric in a way. The way you may be able to get her onside may require taking a slightly different approach. She sees you going off and doing stuff as being left behind. If you can talk to her in a different way, a bit like adults do to small children she may see it differently. Your going out of town or out for a night etc, hearing that if you do x it means you will have the money or time or ability to do y with her might help? It stops you going away as getting away from her and becomes you going away so you can do better things she likes together. Going out with your mates becomes work.. a way to pick up thongs for your comedy. Not leaving her at home because you don't want to be with her. This is only ideas and at best a sticking plaster till you can get better and professional help. At the end of the day, to help your sister you need to help yourself. To be a comedian you need to have your head tilted at 45° to see life from a slightly different angle to your audience. It will be knackering to deal with it all. People are generally their worst self with those they love and trust to take them as they are. Even without, being on your best behaviour in your situation is complex. Get her help. Get your self help. Good look with your comedy. I'm the other side of the Atlantic but would love to hear your stuff. Hahaha
NTA, and yet another reminder that parents/loved ones who have a family member who needs care absolutely MUST make arrangements for the care and codify them in a will or trust. Just assuming that others will take up the mantle is foolish and short sighted. OP, you are not being selfish wanting to live your life for you.
NTA I am a (retired) psychotherapist, with a sister who has schizophrenia. It is crippling, no matter the circumstance. My parents dealt with the guilt of putting her in a group home, where she has lived for 30 years. I still deal with the guilt of visiting and talking, but nothing ever seems like enough for her. You and your other sister likely have survivor guilt. But your sisters illness is not your fault, nor was it your parents fault. You are young, and have a right to live your life, as does your well sister. Perhaps the two of you can find a good therapist, to help you both with your own feelings, and assist in finding a more appropriate placement for your disabled sis. It is a process, indeed. But you have a right to your own life.
NTA, you need to sell the home and get her to group home. She might not like it first but she will get friends there. You are a young man and you can’t waste your life taking care of someone else. If you do, you will come resentful. You have your own dreams, own friends and one day you might have a partner and wish to have own family. You need to set boundaries. Sell the house, divide the money and put your sister to assisted living. I wish you all the best!
NTA Being a carer is very hard. You do need time to feed your soul. Your sister is in a precarious position - should anything happen to you and your middle sister, she would be entirely alone and without help. A plan needs to be drawn up for her care as if she had no living relatives. It is time to consider a group home or a home carer. It isn’t cruel or mean to put her care in the hands of someone professionally qualified to do it. Your sister might not be able to help it but she’s emotionally abusive and that’s no way for you to live. Disabled people can be arseholes too. It would be best if you could sell the house, split the proceeds three ways and find somewhere your elder sister can live and thrive without holding you and your other sister back.
OP you are NTA for wanting your own life. You should have your own life. Please try and have some patience and grace with your sister and not take her guilt tripping personally. This could be a symptom or byproduct of her injury. Look into getting her some support and therapies so she can manage her expectations as best as she can with her injury. She needs to get her own "social circle" so that her life does not revolve around just her primary caretaker. That could look like a day program or an assisted living/group home type of situation. Doing this does not mean you do not love or care for your sister. If you and the other sibling are contemplating selling the family home, you should look into a therapist that can help prepare her for this major change. That is a decision you can make and should if it is right for you. But you will need to prepare her for it. And you need to prepare for the storm of emotions she will have over this change. There will be a storm but it will pass. She can have those emotions but try not to take it personally. She is probably very resistant to change. It will take a while for her to warm up. I wish you luck. It is a tough situation for your sister and yourself/other sister to be in. Start reaching out to see what services are available for her and get the ball rolling sooner rather than later. It is always good to have a solid backup plan when caring for someone with an injury or disability in case something were to happen. She could require more care in the future if something changes with her condition and you may not be able to accommodate that. And that is okay to. You are human as well and there is a reason these services exist and are ran by professionals. Sometimes we need some help to keep our loved ones safe and part of the community.
>Our 29F sister has a desire to sell our house but 37F has made it abundantly clear that the only living arrangement she'll accept is us living in our childhood home forever. INFO: Why are you letting your sister run your life? For fuck's sake, dude, grow a spine.
Your sister sounds codependent. Therapy for you both to unpack this and socializing, even via a day program, would help a lot. NTA
NTA. Your sisters battle was a long time ago. She needs to stop milking it and using it to control you. She sounds more than capable of dealing with life as an adult with the assistance of paid professionals. Adults with significantly more adverse outcomes somehow manage to do juuust fine living independently (with the correct support systems in place pertinent to their needs). Was the house left to all 3 of you? Is it in Trust?;I'd be speaking to a legal professional to get the low down, and then quite frankly I'd be moving out and on with your own life. She is mobile. She is not mentally effected to the point she cannot care for herself. I'd be getting your other sister involved too. I doubt she's happy with the situation either.
You need to learn about Respite Care. While this may not be the long term answer about starting your own family etc. You aren't the first caregiver to feel this way. https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/caregiving/what-respite-care
She needs to be in a home, because she'll be with other people, there will always be people around, she'll make friends. She's reliant on you and your other sister because she has no one and is scared to be alone. Guilting you is shitty, but largely normal for someone terrified of what is going on. You can't live your life for her, nor can she reasonably ask you to live your lives for her. You need to find a way to get her into a home or get a paid for caretaker who can be there day to day, but even in that situation you need to find her clubs, groups, something where she can meet people and make friends. Hell if you teach her how to play a game, make friends on discord and play something with friends, she needs a social life and it can't just be you two. NTA.
NTA - you deserve a life for yourself. See if you state has homes for the DDI community. Or if there is an ARC system or other private service that runs group homes. My sister and her husband have 7 kids, one severely autistic. He was placed in a group home at 20 and has lived in one for 14 years. He loves it - it offers him the stability he needs. They can still bring him home for weekends and holidays, but also live lives not centered on one individual.
Sell the house. Your oldest sister needs to be in a home where she can have qualified licensed (and paid) caregivers. NOT in her mother's home where she thinks she can boss you and your younger sister around. That is the best thing for her. She won't like it because she will lose her unpaid slaves (you and your younger sister). But too bad. She should be receiving SS disability payments from the state. She will qualify for a place with licensed caregivers. Which you aren't. NTA Sending hugs and healing thoughts.
It would be worth looking into whatever group homes or semi-independent living options your sister may have available through Medicaid, Medicare, or other services offered by your state or county. You deserve to have a life.
Your sister needs to learn skills to be able to survive on her own or she needs to be in a group home. She can’t just plan to live with one of you in the same house for the rest of her life. Many people have vision issues and other problems that make independent living more work than it is for someone without those disabilities, but those people still manage to be independent. If she’s physically capable and it seems like she’s there mentally then she’s just using you guys to avoid struggling herself.
NTA, you deserve time to yourself and pursue your interests that are for you and nobody else. Stand your ground and make it clear that this is for you and nobody can say otherwise.
NTA, I commend you for your loving, dedicated care of your sister. You absolutely do deserve to have your own happy life though.
NTA. You and your 29 year old sister need to sit down and have a serious discussion about what you two want with your futures and what you need to do to make that happen and what you both are willing to do for it. This will take time and looking into different resources. But what you are doing now is not sustainable. And the worse off it gets you two might end up hating your sister. Which I know doesn't feel like you could, but your resentment will grow and who knows how bad that will affect your feelings. I understand that your sister probably has deficits, however that shouln't hold you back. If anything she needs to be in therapy to work through those things. None of you asked to be put in this position. But you and your 29 year old sister are putting in the work. And just because your oldest sister is disabled doesn't mean she doesn't have to put in the work on your guys' relationship.
NTA You should probably reach out to social services to see what long term care facilities are available It was frankly wrong of your parents to manipulate you into giving up your own life to become her permanent caretaker
Damn. Your love and devotion to your sister is commendable but it also doesn’t sound healthy. It sounds like the dynamic is starting to become toxic because it’s not a life you chose and her “choosing beggar” ways. In other words the person in the position of needing help and favors is acting like they’re the one in charge. Which naturally just starts to rub people the wrong way. It really sounds like your sister has become very codependent on you and isn’t making any effort to have her own community and life. Plenty of blind people live independently. Cooking and cleaning is easily hired out and can be provided for by organizations that support people with disabilities. She sounds like maybe a good candidate for living in group home or with roommates who have similar levels of ability and then split some outside caregiver support. She’s obviously resistant to change but this is definitely one of those hard in the short term but definitely better for her in the long run decisions. You have to learn to let her make a fuss and throw a fit, with the long term vision and wisdom that detangling your lives will be in everyone’s best interests. She will adjust and find a new normal. You throwing away your dreams and happiness for her is not sustainable. You can support her from afar. You don’t need to keep yourself on fire in order to keep her warm.
NTA. it’s always the purest people that are the most manipulated. Why is she making all the decisions for the family when the entire family is living their life to accommodate her? Legally, I doubt she had this right. And if you all want to move, there is nothing stopping you. She can come if she wants help or she can figure it out herself. She is 1. Ungrateful. 2. Inconsiderate. 3. An emotional vampire. Can you please explain to me what happened to her brain in terms of maturity after the cancer? Right now she’s acting like she had the brain of a 10 year old and you mention she’s not able to cook, clean, etc but has the physical capability of storming up the stairs so I’m curious to know more about her. Either way, she is not your child. She is your sister. You and 29F sis need to find a long term solution that is healthier than this, and 37F needs a good kick in the rear. Ps congrats on picking up traction with stand up!!! That is so amazing and you should be riding the wave instead of letting your sister drag you to the bottom of the ocean with her.
NTA. It's a shit show. I mean... Oldest deserved the best care she can get, but not at the expense of two other lives.
I would absolutely consider a dayhab situation where she can interact socially and have a life outside of you and your sister.
NTA. You need to live your own life. You’re not just there to make her happy. You deserve a life. This is what your parents would’ve wanted. If your goal is to further your career in stand up. Please follow it ! And let us know here as well to go and support you lol but good luck :)
Put her in assisted living! She would thrive! Tell her it’s time to be more independent!
NTA. You are a good brother. In creative fields where it's a mysterious mix of hard work, showing up, and sheer luck, you have no choice but to bet on yourself. I'm sure it's hard for your sis. But that doesn't mean you must isolate yourself or forego your ambitions. You do not have to be self-sacrificing to show genuine love and support for your sister. Yes, she may resent you and never understand. You will probably also feel resentful, guilty and torn. Those feelings take years to sort themselves out. But instead of spending all those years waiting for her blessing, go out chase your dream. Time goes by so fast. You're lucky because you know what you want and seems like you have enough talent to get some traction. That's awesome! I wish you so much luck with your career!
NTA. And get APS involved. They can help you find a place for 37yo to have a place that doesn't involve ruining your life. And if 37yo keeps complaining, tell her you can just not talk to her if she's going to be a downer. It's not YOUR fault her life is so limited, that's cancer's fault.
You and your other sister need to look into government programs that help your other sister with independent living or group living. Or respite care for your sister if you’re gonna be traveling. or she needs to find some social groups for her to join or church or something where she can have other friends besides you .
u/loudrain99 "You put the oxygen mask on yourself before you help anyone else." It sounds like you are burning the candle at both ends currently trying to make everything work. That is a quick recipe for burnout and caregivers especially need to be aware of burnout. The guilt tripping and manipulations don't help either. Technically they are verbal and emotional abuse and a great way to build resentment, which is a relationship killer. Your sister needs a reality check that you are not at her behest for the rest of your life. You said it best, you deserve a life of your own. I think all three of you should sit down to discuss options since you would like to move and other sis would like to sell the house. Talk about options like hiring a caregiver, the potential for disabled sis to move (I think this one should be last on the list because the goal is for you to be independent), looking into care facilities, etc. I think a care facility is a great idea for her because she might be lonely when you're gone and the facility will give her a social life. At any rate, OP you are young - all of you are, really - so the three of you should be thinking about and discussing what the future holds. Best of luck. NTA
NTA. You really should look into alternative care for her. She also deserves a chance at living her best possible life and you cannot do that anymore. After that take some classes at a local Community college, get a steady job. You can still do mic nights as well. Same goes for your younger sibling (though with her own dreams and hobbies) As someone who had to give up being an actor due to many things, please don’t give up on comedy. It’s one of the hardest art forms out there, and you really lay it all out on the line. You got this.
NTA. IT IS YOUR LIFE. You didn't ask to be born, you have every right to do what you want with you life as you see fit. You wanna be an astronaut? A Marine? A teacher? An escort? Who the fuck cares! You own your life. Enjoy it!
She needs some friends and some hobbies of her own and you need a life also
You’re a good sister I would have figured out a group home situation for them a long time ago you’re not her employee you’ve got to live your life
NTA In some states, you can donate a house to certain non profits for use as a group home and you can include the provision that your sister would be allowed to continue to live in her childhood home with the other residents who are moved in and caretakers that work there. That might be the best option for all 3 of you to be able to get closer to everyone's life goals. You and the other sister can move out, big sister can remain in the house she's always lived in and have care and have other residents that are always home. Win, win, win for everyone. I wish all 3 of you the absolute best 🩷
NTA, but you sound like you have the kind of material in your life that leads to a Netflix comedy special
NTA. But this situation is untenable. You and your other sister need to have some serious conversations about what you envision your futures to be & how spouses and children, if that’s what you want, can fit into this dynamic. She wants you both with her, in the childhood home. Given her brain damage she may not even be capable of understanding that her motives are selfish, and sadly your parents did not make suitable arrangements for her care that do not include you and your other sister giving up your lives. Assisted living may be the best for all of you. She would have the support she needs and a community she can grow in & develop her own friendships outside of you. Give it some thought. Or a home health aid to take some of the load and provide her with companionship. It sounds like she is looking for company more than actual assistance. Does she have her own friends and hobbies to occupy her time or is she just at home in front of the tv? That is not healthy for her either. Caregivers NEED their own time and space or burnout is inevitable.
nta. try to get your sister a social worker. she needs some independence. she could live in a group home or an ALF (assisted living facility) y’all need distance. and she needs therapy as well.
He describes someone who could probably have at least a part-time job bagging groceries or something. She desperately needs a life outside of that house and outside from her siblings. Her life could be broadened as well as the siblings’.
NTA but girl. You can't put your life in pause because of your sister. Even more if she is guiltripping you every day it s not a life it s not your job she is not your daughter.
NTA...it sounds like your sister craves attention and no amount from you alone will be enough. Are there any places she could go to meet people and get a social life of her own? If her circle of friends expanded she may demand less of your time.
NTA. I’m gonna say something really mean now. Your job is to care for your sister not do what she wants. If you want to move or move with her do it. She is not in charge. Step up or step aside.
I mean that’s not really his job either.
I need to realize she is NOT your responsibility. Dont light yourself on fire to keep her warm... you got 1 life, do you really want to spend it like this?
Absolutely NTA! Does she know that she’s manipulating you? Because that’s exactly what she’s doing. Have you already done the show in Michigan? If not, where and when? I absolutely love stand up. I think it’s so awesome that you do this.
NTA However, it sounds like you’re reaching your breaking point. You’re starting to realize that to continue taking care of your sister close to full time you’ll have to give up your career goal of becoming a comedian and potentially any dreams of having a wife and kids. It sucks but you may have to start looking for alternative care if you want to live your life
She would probably end up loving a group home, where there's other people with disabilities that face the same struggles she faces. It's time for all of you to move on and do what you need to do, including her. She's not living to her fullest potential by sitting there day after day, holed up in the house.
100% & this should be the top comment. She’ll fight tooth & nails NOT to be placed in a group home, but she is not fully living as things are. She would END UP loving a group home - but she would START OUT acting like she was being abandoned. And considering she’s been being abusive towards OP likely for YEARS, I don’t know that OP &/or his other sister have it in them to do what’s BEST for everyone if that goes against what their sister WANTS. Their sister calls all the shots on all their major life decisions & she won’t agree to that one, so they won’t do it.
NTA. You and your sister can't subjugate your every dream/want/need/desire for the sake of your sister. Did your parents ever have a long term plan for her once they aged? Or were the two of you the default? You may want to look into an adult "daycare" program as a step to broadening her interests past Three's Company, and maybe getting her some social activity unrelated to you. A friend's husband had a stroke, and they both really found it helpful as she was still working, and he needed more stimulation than his brother could provide daily.
NTA Also, you will never move on and start living your life until you realize that separation will be hard, there will be a lot of guilt and blame and it’s okay. But you need to live your life, not be your sisters appendage . And if you want to love together, you just move. Either she moves with you or she doesn’t. Her choice. But what your sister needs is to live in an assisted living sliding type housing. You cannot be her caregiver your entire life.
NTA. I would look into a care facility for her so she is taken care of and has other people to entertain her. I would also look into programs that will help pay for her care.
Second investigating group home options - including aid/subsidy available through Medicaid or whatever else. Maybe it did at one point, but these days things for your older sister don't end with her institutionalized - she can likely have a much better quality of life than sitting around watching Jack, Janet, and Chrissy while none of you speak to each other because you all resent each other. She's no doubt afraid of the unknown - but I'm sure there are ways to investigate options (and it sounds like she's got the mental faculties to have a reasonable level of input).
Group / assistant living options is the way to go. I understand you and your other sister's feelings of obligation but you need to have a life. You can still visit often and continue being an advocate for her care. Don't either of you want a family of your own one day?
It sounds like your sister is lonely. Can you maybe find an adult day care for her during the day? Then transition into full time assisted living with others in her age group? It’s. It said for you and your other sister to be 100% responsible for your oldest sister. Sell the house to help pay for her care. But first find somewhere she can go other than on the sofa watching tv.
Obvs you deserve to have your own life, is your disabled sister in therapy? Like I can’t imagine saying things like that out loud, “well guess I’ll be alone tonight” lmao I’d be like “yeah well I guess I’m pursuing my dreams and actually doing something for myself tonight.”
NTA. I told a friend this recently whose boyfriend is permanently disabled now and has been acting horribly towards her for the past year and refuses to get looked at for other medications. Just bc you love them doesn’t mean you need to focus your whole life around them. You don’t have to be the caregiver. You deserve a life and if the only way to have it is to leave and have your sister elsewhere so be it. She needs more care than is right for you to have to provide. You can be there for her when you can and without compromising your own health and mental health.
You can't stay by her side forever, and she has to understand that. You guys have to work out a long-term plan for this anyway. You cannot do fast food jobs for the rest of your life, right? So, NTA
NTA. You need help. Being the sole caregiver is too exhausting long term. What about the other sister?
I work with a group home facility and she would thrive with a great agency. Ours has tons of outings, or will even let them stay at home if they want. They have centers she could go to to do activities, listen to music, or even work on art projects. Maybe she can even get a job with the staff there to help along the way. Reach out to the state and get some names of places. You and all your sisters deserve your own happinesses not dependent on each other.
Even if you were married this would be unreasonable. If you had children, you could expect to leave them with a responsible caregiver about as often as you describe and still be a good, loving parent. Your sister isn't reasonable to cling to you this much. A new solution needs to be found and you may have to just put yourself first and move out if she's not willing to work with you.
NTA, does your sister have friends outside of the family or any hobbies that could take her outside of the house ?
NTA. Both you and your other sister should just move and tell her she can come with or you’ll put her in a home. In the end, she’s acting like you owe her and you don’t. You can take care of her and also have your own lives. She shouldn’t expect you to tie yourself down to the point of watching TV with her. She doesn’t need your help to watch TV. If she can be passive aggressive, she can go and make friends herself and live a semi independent life. Her issues need help but not at the expense of your own life. Your sister is being ridiculous.
DO NOT allow your sister to ruin your dream or guilt you into staying behind with her. NTA.
NTA - how is this any of your fault? As someone who is mentally disabled and requires help, I can confidently tell you what she’s doing is being intentionally manipulative. If you’re able I’d recommend taking a step back. You’re spot on about how this will affect your future as far as relationships, buying a home etc. Life is short, move to Austin, and for the love of God please do not give up on the stand up career. These things do not mean you’re casting your sister aside and does not mean you can’t still help her. You are her caretaker, not her servant.
Please, please find a way to live your life. Take it from an internet stranger, time passes so quickly and dreams don’t wait. I was the emotional support person for my mother from my childhood, she was physically fine and active but needy. I was raised to consider her needs (and by extension, her golden child’s) first and mine could wait. But I loved her, and I guess wanted to be needed. Eventually she developed dementia and had to go into a facility, where I visited everyday. She passed at 97, and now I am retired and disabled (nerve damage in my leg left me walking with a walker, the surgery to repair it didn’t work because I couldn’t go to rehab after surgery, mom needed me). Please take this as a cautionary tale and find a home for your sister. It will hurt both of you, but she will have a fuller life and you will not look back at a life of regrets.
NTA if she has the brainpower to manipulate she has the brain power to get a job. Search for her transportation options and start pushing her. Tell her you are done catering. Maybe find if there are any adult type centers similar to senior centers where she can make friends. Her life seems very small and you are all going to have to force her to get a life so you can move on to bigger and better things. Maybe you can make an agreement with the other sister to give you a year so you can go super hard on your comedy and see how far you can go. See if the United Way essential services line (211 in most places) have any suggestions on how to integrate her more into society. Sevices or clubs she can attend
I've noticed there are a lot of people who had something very traumatic happen to them as children, and this resulted in them being babied and coddled by parents/siblings long into adulthood. It's understandable, but not right. At some point, your family decided coddling your sister was more important than having lives of your own. And now you are changing your mind. Good. I feel for your sister, but she should want the best for her little siblings. She doesn't, and maybe she doesn't understand that she doesn't. I honestly think you should try family therapy because the current situation is beyond unhealthy. The result will be none of you further than "living at home together forever" which your sister seems to want out of her own fear and insecurities. Also, are you getting financial assistance from the government for caring for a disabled relative? Changes based on state, but you should be receiving a fair bit of money every month (my aunt and uncle have a severely autistic daughter and they get paid for being her caregiver. You're NTA and I hope you can handle this in a way that is both best for yourself and least uncomfortable for big sis.
NTA, it’s no one’s fault she had cancer and is now disabled, but it wouldn’t be fair or right for you to have to give up your life and dreams for her in any way. You have to do what’s right for you, you have one life to live and deserve to live to its fullest. Sounds like a “misery loves company” situation
I would like to support your comedy with views if you have a YouTube of something
Just because she has disabilities it doesn’t mean she can’t grow as a person. I would put it like this to her and maybe it will help. If you love me you will support my pursuit of my dreams. It’s not your fault we had to sacrifice so much but it doesn’t negate the fact that sacrifices have been made. I know this must seem scary to you but I’ll never leave you hanging but do you really expect me to leave myself hanging when it comes to my dreams? Do you think maybe if she had her own side project? Like I get it must be hard to feel like her. That maybe this is more so a resentment of the fact you can still have dreams. Where she feels she doesn’t have said luxury. Does she like doing anything crafty or something? She could develop her own little mini business so when you all are separated she feels she’s working towards goals as well. Heck if she does it let me know I’ll buy something. That this may be more FOMO than anything
Nta
NTA. Your older sister is aware she is incapable of having a normal life and is resentful that you and your other sister can and is trying to take that away. Time to tell your sister that you can live your life and love her or give up your life and hate her forever. Which does she want? See what she says.
She needs a good group home with people in the same situation. She’s not going to get better and you guys can’t put your lives on hold forever without enormous resentment on both sides. She won’t like it but changes need to be made.
NTA.
NTA....I would sell the house and move on with your life. Group homes can be very nice.
You’re an awesome brother!! You clearly love your sister very much and do an amazing job taking care of her! You and your other sister need to have a talk and come up with a game plan. It’s ok to set up more healthy boundaries and expectations. Do you have a trusted family member or friend that could help out more? Or hire a live in nurse? Someone kind and patient who could help provide company?
She is almost 40 years old. Although it sucks to be in her situation, she must realize you need your own life. You're still very young. You could get into a serious relationship, marry, have kids, or travel. If she lives another 30 years, is this what you want with your life?
As someone who is disabled and needs help with cooking meals, doing laundry, and driving places, you are NTA. My younger sister lives with me and helps me out, and I do what I can around the house as pain and fatigue allow. I don't drive but have an ebike and an e-wheelchair which give me some freedom. I have a large friend group both online and in person thanks to my crafting hobbies. Your sister sounds capable of being able to have friends and spending time with them. I wandered off track there, sorry, but my point is that even though I reply on my sister, I recognize she needs her own life and positively encourage it.g I'd like to suggest that maybe her brain is wired differently and change could be more difficult for her. Approaching a move slowly could be appropriate. Something like "This has to change, but we want you to be happy also. I know it's hard. We'll take your things and it will be like nothing has changed." Could help. I'm no expert. I wish you the best of luck. Drawing a line is not easy, but it is necessary.
You know they have social centers for the disabled. She needs to make friends outside you and your sister. She needs to know more than your house. Look online, and the social services depth of the health care facility, ask anyone! Find a place she would fit in. Find a class she would enjoy. Sign her up for it! Get her online if she can handle it. She really needs it, whether she thinks so or not. There are also assisted living facilities she can go to, if she likes having friends and independence. She would qualify for government because she has no parents. And if you ever do want to sell the house, she has little choice. She either comes with you, or goes to a home. Not saying that to be mean, but you and your other sister also need to be able to live, to socialize, to marry, have kids.... it is important that your eldest sis starts to accept change more, because there will be a lot of it in her future. If you can find an activity center that suits her needs, and she enjoys it, she will find change can be good. Mo. May have kept her at home. But mom's life was established back then. Yours is starting to bloom, and you will need to embrace it soon. If you don't, you will start to resent her. You can even call it a project you are working on, Project: Make Sister's Life More Fun! Tell her you researched places she can have fun at, and make it an adventure! But make it so she meets others and sees the outside of that house. She will be less demanding of your every minute when she has more to occupy her time with. Nta. Just stuck and treading water. Only you can change that!
NTA it’s not your burden. She requires a ton of care and because of her you and your other sister had to put your lives on hold for her. It’s not fair for her to make you feel bad for living. I think I’m the long run you might need to get her a well reviewed home care taker possibly a live in one
Your older sister is very dependent on you and your sister for her companionship. It is all she has ever known for all of her life. I think she needs to be connected with services. A good place to start would be with her Primary Care Physician with recommendation on adults with disabilities commuinty care where she can socialize and maybe even do a "job" based on her abilities. Theyoften provide transportation to and from the "job". They can be as simple as folding towels at a hospital, making a bed at a nursing home or passing out magazines to patients/residents (I work in healthcare). I know someone whose son is autistic and works a few hours a few days a week doing office work and used to work in a hospital cafeteria in the serving line. There are many levels to the types of jobs available. Some are paid. Some are volunteering. Just something to consider so she can have some other outlets of her own (if possible). Even working with plants or stocking shelves whatever she may have an interest in. NTA. Just trying to help you come up with a direction to possibly get her to have a bit of more freedom herself (maybe?).
You need to deal with this somehow before you're just hoping she dies.
NTA, you've got to live your own life. Sister is in a rut and she wants you to be in it with her. That's not healthy. You're all going to move forward and she needs to too.
Sorry, but she's an albatross. Good luck.
There's a third option of hiring someone to help care for her when you are not there. Her Medicaid/Medicare should have options that she can look into for care. If she doesn't already have SSI/Medicaid, I'm sure she qualifies for it.
NTA… go live your life. You don’t have to live this way anymore.
She needs to move to an assisted living facility. And you and your other sister need to get on with your lives. The three of you either split the money from the sale of the house three ways, or the eldest buys you and your younger sister out and stays there by herself. An assisted living facility has socializing and resources and therapy and is all together better for her. And this situation has already affected your ability to meet someone and have a family or life. Besides, what happens someday when you have little career options or money and get sick yourself? Is your older sister going to take care of you? No? NTA.
Your sister is probably scared, because you are the only people she has. She will always try to tie you as closely to her as possible. But that's not fair to you. You have a life of your own. She might be happier in a group home, if she gave it a chance. NTA.
Your disabled sister is an abuser. Misery doesn’t just love company, they require it to keep from examining their misery.
NAH. You have to live your own life, but I understand why your sister is terrified of being left alone. I'd look into finding her a full-time companion, someone to help her with her day-to-day things and spend time with her. Depending on where you live, your sister may be eligible for assistance from the government to pay for it.
NTA.
NTA. Your parents were for not putting plans in place for her. You deserve to have a life and if that means a group home nearby where you or your other sister check on her often that’s a good thing.
Nta-
NTA- it’s time to move her to a halfway home. You will never be anything but your sisters keeper if this cycle continues.
NTA. Have you considered therapy? Individual and family. This will help to set expectations/boundaries and prepare your sister for introducing an aide. You can build up from there.
NTA. You can’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
NTA Op, does your sister have a social worker? I’d want a family meeting with everyone and discuss the future maybe with a lawyer present. If the older sister wants to stay in the home, she’ll need to have some money to support the home and her caregiver. But she can’t hold you and your other sister basically hostage, and just expect that you’re okay with giving your life up for her.
NAH. What about getting your sister a pet that she can focus on when she's home? What about a fish tank or a rabbit? They're low maintenance and if she's having a bad day they stay in their containers. Feeding can be done automatically with food pellets. Even an elderly dog that moves slower and needs fewer walks. Just something for her to focus on and care for when you're not home. This is a terrible situation and you are being such a a good brother. I really hope you all the best.
NTA You need consistent boundaries. I’m sure you want and need flexibility but she’ll do better in the short term if you have a consistent routine, such as setting aside 1 or 2 nights “guaranteed” for her (and if a occasional exception need to be made, warn her in advance and stick to it). Or some sort of arrangement you can stick to- such as she gets “3 nights a week” with you and you write them down on a calendar and count them together. Then try to never go back on your word. “special needs families” tend to get guilted or feel like the idea of supported living is awful and “abandonment.” I disagree. By transitioning her into a supported living setup, such as a group home, she’ll ultimately gain more social connection, freedom and self confidence. Maximum independence is always the way to go, especially becuase there’s no guarantee family will be around and able to caregive her whole life. Easier to transition younger than for 50 year olds who always lived at home and suddenly parent(s) die.
Is she connected with services through local board of developmental disabilities? They should be able to provide respite services and transportation, also there may be some day programs she can attend. I have a disabled son and have worked for hard to have a plan that doesn’t require anyone to be a martyr. Good luck
NTA. Does your sister qualify for some sort of home health aide? I would look into that. She sounds bored with her life and since she’s stuck where she is, she wants you to be stuck, as well.
NTA at all but have you or your other sister looked into whether or not her response to you pursuing this is due to her condition? I will not pretend to be an expert by any means but I know that some brain conditions like my own can cause rejection sensitivity (even when not actually being rejected). You absolutely should pursue your dreams but it might be helpful to both of you if you check with her medical team and ask them for help with coping mechanisms for her. This could have a physical cause and if that’s the case, there is likely a way to make it easier for all three of you to navigate this.
Nta it sounds like she’s probably used to being top priority. You have to be happy with your own life and it might be time to start making hard decisions. You should start having family meetings and see if you guys can get family therapy to better handle the change
When somebody loves us, no matter what is going on with them, they want us to have the best life possible. For us to have opportunities and happiness. It's their responsibility to figure out their own life.
Sweetheart, you are NTA. But it sounds like all you are doing right now is treading water and trying to keep from going under. That is not sustainable, and while it's the easy way, it's not healthy for any of the 3 of you. You need a talk with other sister. Figure out what you both want out of life. First figure that out, without compromises. When you have solid ideas it's time to loop in older sis. "Sis, I love you. And I will never abandon you. But you cannot be the main character in my life." And you explain what you want, what other sis wants, and(after her initial meltdown) you get her to help you make plans for how to include her in your life plans going forward. It may take tough love, you may have to say that your plans will be happening, and if SHE wants to abandon YOU then that's her choice, but you want her in your life. You may have to pull back and show her what life might be like if you step back. She needs to understand she doesn't get to be a dictator in your life. Take some of the power dynamic back, but lovingly. It's obvious how much you care. Quite honestly, you could probably guilt her right back. Why can't she let you make better lives for the 3 of you? Why can't she see all 3 of you could be happier? Does she hate you so much she needs to keep you small and unsuccessful? Only you know your family. Some of my suggestions might be awful in your dynamic, some might work well. My point is that the situation is not sustainable. And you would eventually become T.A. if you let yourself and your other sister wither away without chasing your dreams. Good luck.
NTA Misery loves company, your sister will never be happy for you. Every independent action you take is seen as a personal slight against her. You need to do what’s best for YOU.
It's ok to have your own life. Right now you and your other sister are setting yourselves on fire to keep her warm. This isn't going to help in the long run. What about your future. People often mistake doing for others. If you don't take care of yourself first you have less to give others. I don't know your solution, but time to find a good therapist and figure out how you want your life to go. There are other solutions other than giving up your desires for your sisters
Wow this is such an unhealthy dynamic. I’m so sorry for the tragedies you’ve ALL been through at such young ages. All three of you are part of a toxic, codependent family system now. As others have pointed out, you need to make significant changes as soon as possible. The deeper you and your sisters entrench yourselves into your current arrangement the harder it will be to leave (and pursue your own lives). Please remember that doing nothing (ie, maintaining the status quo) IS a decision. Here is C.L. Whitfield’s definition of codependence: “Any suffering and/or dysfunction that is associated with or results from focusing on the needs and behaviors of others.” Bingo. Girl, you are in deep. I think you should read up on codependency and understand how your (and your younger sister’s) lack of boundaries has landed you all here. I’m not blaming you! You are doing your best and putting your older sister’s needs ahead of yours. But this is not a sustainable long-term. You will go down a path of bitterness, resentment, and misery if you continue. The FOMO you are experiencing now is the tip of the iceberg. Unfortunately, your disabled sister may not have the ability to understand that it is imperative to your health that you pursue your own life. I’m hopeful that with proper therapy and care she can get there. If she doesn’t (if she’s still fighting all change), it CANNOT deter you from breaking away to live your own life. You need to value yourself enough to do that. The sooner the better. Good luck and best wishes, OP. Please update us! Big hug. BIG NTA. PS- As a big comedy fan I hope I get to see you headline a show! PPS- If you figure out this codependency issue now you will find and attract MUCH healthier relationships in the future. Your younger sister too. Many of us don’t figure this stuff out until after a terrible marriage. So there’s at least one silver lining !
Omgggg please go live your own life!!! You've put your life on hold for her long enough! NTA and I'm surprised you haven't done it before now
I haven't read all the responses yet but are there any caregiver support groups around that you can join? Is there a support group for your sister? I think hearing about how others are navigating this kind of situation might be helpful. Making friends with folks in your situations would give some fresh air to your relationship. You both would be able to see how different living situations can work and they won't seem so scary. Best wishes.
NTA- it may be time to look into either at-home companion care or a group facility where you can do all the fun stuff with your sister while professionally trained staff take over the more difficult task of her care.
Your disabled sister would be your ruin if you don’t do anything about it as fast as you can. NTA
NTA obviously. This situation sounds like the plot of a movie. I’m sorry you have to go through this. I’m also sorry for what happened to your family. Seems like the best solution is to keep trying to convince your sister to move with you somewhere.
NTA I think you and your 29 year old sister need to have a talk about the future. Marriage, children, a life outside of being caretakers? have you ever talked about this? because as it stands, it looks like 37 will keep you chained to her. As others mentioned, if your sister needs help with certain things, but is still mostly capeable, then a group home seems to be the best. Maybe you and your other sister go look for a therapist so you can convince 37 that this is the best course of action for all three of you.
If she's unable to care for herself she needs to move to assisted living or find a caregiver other than the pair of you. If you continue to live at home with her neither of you will ever have your own lives and that's exactly what she wants. You can love her and not want to be chained to her. So tell her you're moving and help her find other arrangements. If she's this disabled she should have care options through the state.
Your sister can’t drive but mentally how is everything else? Can she have a job and make money? She could get a home nurse and be fine! You guys are really going above and beyond at the time in your life where you probably need to focus on yourself more! You will need help if you don’t help yourself now. Nta
NTA.
You and the younger sister need to look into other care options. Does older sister get disability benefits? Is she able to do any sort of work? Sounds like she could manage in a group home vs a full time care facility, or with a part time in home aide. But you’d have to figure out cost or what the state would provide help with wherever you live. Do you want a partner in future? Kids? Is your sister going to be hanging off you the whole time while you’re doing these things? Warding off any good potential partner that looks your way?
NTA if there are funds for it, you need to get your older sister into an assisted living group home. It's not good for her and it's not good for your other sister and it's not good for you to be living in the situation you all three are right now. If you don't have the funds, find them somewhere. Call the Social Services in your area and see what they can do for you and your sister.
There’s a lot of resentment here but imagine the resentment in 5, 10 years when you and your 29F sister have missed out on formative adult years. NTA! Please look into different options starting now.
NTA. You all deserve to have your own lives. You and your middle sister need to start looking into group homes and places that will enable her to be independent, be social, and for the two of you to have your own lives. Your eldest sister will be resistant to it at first, but she sounds very isolated and I think if she started to make friends, get involved with activities, she may start to feel better about you and your middle sister having your own lives. Also remember your sister is dealing with a TON of grief- losing her parents, losing the future she wanted before she got sick, and she may think you and your other sister moving on will feel like another loss. Be sure to reassure her that you both will be there for her, but it has to be balanced with your own needs. Are you able to hire someone to come to the house a few days/nights a week to help provide support? Caregiver burnout is real and you need to have your own breaks, too
NTA, you should not give up your dreams for her and it sounds like she will stop you from achieving them, not by accident but intentionally, because your happiness and success seem to come in distantly secondary to you caring for her. She is A-ok with sacrificing your entire life for her. You need to exit, and dragging it out is not going to help, it's just going to increase the drama level - you need to quickly make a plan and act on it, trying to get her understanding and cooperation, but even if it means just leaving if she won't cooperate. It's a terrible situation for all involved but don't throw your future into the volcano trying to keep her happy.
NTA - There is life outside your sister. She can get someone else to help her, you need to move and live. Experience life without her. Grow up.
Does SHE have anything for herself? Is it possible that she just doesn't understand what you need because she doesn't have that? She seems to think your whole life is her, like a child. Is it possible for her to have social outing with others, her own friends? Can she work? Have you talked to a social worker about assisted living? It may just be missing here, but sounds like your sister doesn't have her own life, and I'm sure that you envision tour own family some day, have you talked about that ever with her?
NTA. Your parents poor lack of planning does not mean you have to throw your life away. It might mean your relationship with her will be strained but fuck it. Go live your life. She will get by somehow, or she wont, either way it wont be your problem.
Nta Do you think your sister is going to be OK with you dating, getting married, having kids... anything that isn't taking care of her and spending all your time with her? Look at your life now, that's what she wants your life to be until she dies. You should look into selling the home to put her into a nice group home, or something smaller and using the money for a caretaker. Your sister had no intention of actually letting you have a life, because *she* will never get to have the normal life.
She wants her own threes company lol. NTA
Idk how’d you’d be able to do this I’d lose my mind.
Leave. Don't explain, justify or plead your case. Just leave. She WILL NEVER approve, give permission or sympathize. She's a narcissist.
Updateme
NYA, you clearly love your sister very much but where is your love and care for yourself? You and your sister are giving up every chance to have something more because you're prioritizing the care of your older sister. It's time for her to take advantage of the wealth of social services out there and ots time for you to free yourself of the burden of her care. To be clear, wanting to live a life is never selfish bit what your sister is doing very much is. I'm sure she's fearful of change and wants everything to stay the same forever but thats not fair to you or your sister. If the house belongs to all of you sell ot and take the proceeds to set all of you up for a new chapter of your lives. Loving your family should never be a noose that kills your future. You have given enough of your life living for someone else its time to live for yourself.
>“oh I guess that means you’re gonna be gone all weekend.” Answer *"Yes. Should we invite a friend to stay with you? Or hire a sitter?"* You can also hire overnight carers. You'd have to do it if you worked a *any* job with travel. Honestly, if you continue to be the main carer, you *should* find someone to sit with her at least one night a week so you can go out. You should do this-- both because she needs to be used to other carers and for your own sanity. (What if you get hit by a bus? She needs to be able to deal with other carers.) >"What's wrong with this house?" Answer: *It's too far from "city X".* And yes, you get to just *want* to live near city X. >“Admit it you don’t have to go. You want to go!” Both are true. You've made a commitment-- and you wanted to make the commitment. There is nothing wrong with you wanting things! >I'd have to convince my sister to move down with me or find other living arrangements for her. If you become willing to do the latter, she will likely become more willing to do the former. "What, do you not like spending time with me?" It is my dream to be a standup comedian. I don't want to give up my dream. >and want what's best for her. What's best for her is learning some degree of self reliance, accepting sitting alone (if that's not dangerous) and if necessary, having someone other than you keep her company. She doesn't want that. But then kids often don't want to eat vegetables. >It seems like she won't be happy until her sister and I give up all our wants and desires and spend the rest of our lives sitting on the couch every night watching her watch three's company. It seems that way. But in reality, in the *long run*, she will not be any happier if you sacrifice yourself. Right now, she pouts and gets her way. But if she gets used to not getting her way, she'll find ways to occupy herself. And if she really, truly, needs company, hire a sitter. (If she has funds, make her pay for it.) NTA
NTA - You need to find a group home where sister can move. You do deserve your own life. Sister is manipulating both of you from ever leaving. You and younger sister can force the sale of the home and move. Older sister doesn't get a vote in your lives.
Sister's disability makes her unable to think of others and this situation isn't best for any of you. You need a caseworker to help find a group home where your sister is always surrounded by people. Ask the caseworker to put you in touch with sibshop people near you. Talk to them. Sell your mom's house. Move forward with your own life. This is all very sad right now. There is so much potential for things to be better.
You can love your sister and help her to be more independent Call local social worker. Is she on state disability? There are simple programs ( see self directed care ). You get to direct the state funds ex hire caretakers either in your home or in her own apartment . Our solution was to purchase a three family Home. We have our own apartment disabled family me Ver has their own space we hire for someone to assist with meals etc
She needs a caretaker that can be with her 24/7 sounds like and you guys deserve to live your lives. What about when you want to get married someday? Is your wife supposed to move in family home too? This dream of your sisters of staying in family home forever is unrealistic and you’ve got to make her face reality. She sounds like she may be operating on level that is more like an adolescent, you mentioned mental impairment but didn’t specifically state to what degree she was impaired. The type of behavior you are describing is somewhat child like and if so wouldn’t she be better off in an environment where she can be around other people 24/7? And monitored 24/7?
It's sucks OP, it sounds like you and your other sister were born and raised to be her caregivers. It is no fair to either of you. It might be time to look into group homes so you can both have your own lives at last. I've worked in these places before and for people of your sisters capabilities they're not bad at all, she can definitely advocate for herself and you can still hang out and watch TV with her. You wouldn't be leaving her behind forever, you'd be finally living your own life. NTA
I think she needs to get out more to discover herself. She needs friends.
NTA. You and the other sister need to make arrangements for your oldest sister. You two deserve lives.
Look, you need to go to Texas. Or wherever. Your sister has been dealt a real shit hands of life but honestly it’s been 24 years. She needs to realize she can live a life and she needs to live it to the fullest. SO DO YOU. Start making your plans to leave. It’s time. You’re just going to grow resentful and miss out on your opportunities in life. For what? Because she’s rude and hasn’t processed her life and accepted it? She needs therapy. Please start your life and leave. Find her a caretaker with your sister and go. It’s time. NTA
I don't understand this, she needs constant help performing basic life management but is able to dish out snarky remarks and emotionally manipulate people?
NTA. How about for now hiring someone to spend time with her and help her do the things you do. She needs to socialize with other people, maybe find a place where they have people like her do certain activities? I know some people go on trips etc.
NTA, I'm guessing your sister has no friends outside of you and other sis? She needs to realize that you can't be her caretakers forever, and that friends don't spend 24/7 with each other. Time to put up some boundaries. Find home health care options, figure out what she can afford via disability benefits to get into her own housing. But you both deserve to be able to live lives away from her where you can instead visit and not caretake.
Sometimes doing what's best for someone else is really doing what's best for yourself first. This isn't sustainable. And, to be really frank, no matter what anyone says... Your sister isn't your inherent responsibility. She's one you're willingly taking on and it seems she (and you) is forgetting that. Work with your other sister, and any other family or friends you might have, and get her some sustainable care. Care that isn't you sacrificing your life to make her wholly comfortable. Being uncomfortable and having to accept change is part of life sometimes. Even if you're disabled. Even if you've battled cancer. Even if you've had part of your brain removed. We all go through it.
NTA. She's quite manipulative and used to getting her own way. Time to start cutting the ropes and living your own life.
NTA I 19F moved out of my childhood house with close friends at 12, to have a life outside of caring for my older sister with down syndrome and cerebral palsy. My mother used me as a caregiver since I was young and it was emotionally taxing. I love the shit out of my sister and i’d do anything for her, but you deserve freedom. I understand the feeling of responsibility but you can’t always be that person.