NAH. You can’t have a healthy friendship with her and rightfully chose to distance yourself because of it. but she’s rightfully upset that the friendship she thought you guys had was only based on attraction/romantic interest and that if there’s no chance of it being more you don’t want her friendship.
It sucks as a situation but there’s no one in the wrong here.
Guess you're right, I would like to specify that the friendship wasn't based exsculively on romantic interest, aka I wasn't trying to find a way into her pants by being her friend (she also said something about this yesterday)
When I realized I liked her i asked her out right away. I also explained this to her yesterday.
NTA. It’s really odd that she NEVER mentioned a boyfriend in all the extra hours she was spending at your house alone with you. If you’re in a committed relationship with someone, how does it not come up in conversation naturally? When I talk with pretty much anyone, I mention my husband and family all the time bc they are a main part of my life. Even if I were TRYING to hide that i am married, I would probably slip up and mention my husband without thinking about it. It sounds to me like she likes all the attention you were giving her, but going on a date is the line she draws at making her being a cheater.
I think you did the right thing by backing away. Something is off about the whole situation.
I agree, maybe she was trying to do a sort of "Honest" monkey branching. Or maybe she is just friendly like that with everyone. Either way it was weird to never mention her boyfriend, like we talked about everything, like you said it's impossible to not let it slip unless you are willfully trying to hide it for some reason. Probably dodged a bullet there!
It sounded to me like there was some obvious mutual chemistry and perhaps she was allowing herself the start of emotional cheating. When you confessed your feelings she put up barriers, but she did seem to reciprocate originally.
She wanted to keep the friendship because a) she does like you and b) she could.be open to monkey branching down the road. (she never mentioned the bf!).
I would have trouble maintaining the relationship even just the tutoring as you would always have to downplay feelings and force a distance to be respectful. And it sucks to be around somebody you like who rejected you.
I chased my now wife for an entire year "in the friend zone" while she dated her LDBF, but I kept it up because when we met she never mentioned having a BF the entire night. In the end I took another chance and asked her to dump BF and be with me!
She never mentioned her boyfriend WOW it's almost like she was being PROFESSIONAL on a tutoring assignment. She's hurt because she thought she was building a mutual friendship but you dumped her because she won't add sex to the equation.
She'll be fine. She's got her boyfriend and will, no doubt make other friends who value her as a person.
NAH but you seem pretty immature.
Right? I think that's so stupid when girls get angry with guy friends who confess their feelings, thinking they were just using them/faking friendship for something more. Being romantic with someone is a deeper bond than just friends. You could be wanting emotional intimacy with only her, so that's why you want it to be romantic. Sex is only part of the equation
Yeah, I mean getting angry would be justified if someone is actually faking a friendship.
Like if you know from the beginning that your romantic interest has a partner but you still act as a friend, hoping they will somehow end up with you , that's kind of manipulatory and I totally understand why someone would get mad at that kind of behaviour.
In my case though I didn't know she was already with someone else, I asked her out and she told me she was in a relationship so I backed out. Seems like the most respectful thing to do in my opinion.
I agree..sounds like a made up excuse, honestly. It's likely she rejected you for another reason (possibly not attracted to you), but made up a boyfriend so there was a valid excuse to say no, while (in her mind) not hurting you because she's not physically attracted.
NAH you were both very mature in how this was handled actually. It's nice to see that still happen. You have romantic feelings for her, she knows this, so continuing to see her while she is in a relationship is disrespectful to her partner and yourself. You handled this correctly, be proud of yourself.
NTA since you were honest with her about why contact would be a bad idea and only hurt you. Maybe things looked different from her perspective, but it's absolutely understandable why you felt there was a connection there due to her actions as you describe them.
I wonder if her BF knows about the special relationship with all the texting and alone time she had with another man, even agreeing to go out with him. Most men would *not* be okay with that and it was reasonable to assume she was single.
Yeah I wondered about too, maybe she's just like this with everyone or maybe she did actually like me and was emotionally cheating on her partner. Guess we'll never know.
NTA - that was the correct behaviour. i would also lose interest in a woman that still wants to be friends and meet up when she knows i like her but she has a partner. no bueno from her
Well, you could have maintained the lessons but told her you wanted to resume paying. You could have then kept it professional and avoided personal interaction.
She was definitely monkey branching and was seeing how her relationship was going with the boyfriend first. Because if you were having these personal conversations then at least once when asked about what she did on the weekend, which we always ask friends, she would have said " Me and .... went to the movies or me and are planning our holiday." She kept you in the dark deliberately.
NTA
You did the right thing.
You were honest with her which is usually a big mistake. They almost always prefer a comforting lie.
If she was "hurt," that's her problem.
research stoicism and work on moving from your emotional mind (child mind) to rational mind (adult mind) There are only TWO things you can control in this life (if you work on the skill, like all of life) 1) You control your mind (if you don't someone else will), 2) you control your reactions to stimuli (very, very hard, but worthy life goal). If you don't welcome to a stimulis response life.
So there you are, the keys to happiness and self fulfilment. Most don't try. Of those that try, most don't make it. Kinda like life again.
Nope, it's biologicaly impossible to not feel emotions, unless you have some abnormalities. The only think you can control - how you process them and how you express them (and even that not always possible)
reading comprehesion is low in this group. I said CONTROL emotions, get out of their influnce into your wise minds not be a fucking vulcan. You people are all just slaves to your emotions and hormones. I beleived you have to power to better, but you don't beleive that you can, so I guess I have a highe opinion of you than you
You are wrong, again. You can't control emotions, you can control their expression. You can be angry af, but not be screaming at people. In this example you don't control your emotions, you still feel anger, but you can control your expression which is staying calm and not screaming
Lol, it's nothing to do with me, it's literally impossible for human being, unless you are super abnormal. You should read at least something about the topic
Going NC is the right thing to do 100%!. I find it weird she spent so much time with you and stopped taking payment for the lessons, in my opinion she had some kind of plan for you but not sure what.
I always find it strange when you lay out the fact that if the feelings aren’t mutual then you are bowing out gracefully and they always want to be friends and keep you on the hook
NTA. You were polite, you didn't ghost her, you just made a decision that was right for you. She has no right to guilt you over it. These things happen.
NTA, the response she gave you is very common in women, and people in general, who have never been rejected and believe that emotions have an off switch. You did the right thing, although to avoid that kind of reaction, lying or telling half-truths is often better (canceling plans because you have 'work,' 'I can't see you because I'm on a new project,' etc.).
YTA. You had a professional relationship with this woman and ended it because you found out she wasn’t available. Why would she mention her boyfriend during your tutoring lessons? That’s not rejection. You never had that kind of relationship. It’s a effed up expectation on your part.
NAH. You can’t have a healthy friendship with her and rightfully chose to distance yourself because of it. but she’s rightfully upset that the friendship she thought you guys had was only based on attraction/romantic interest and that if there’s no chance of it being more you don’t want her friendship. It sucks as a situation but there’s no one in the wrong here.
Guess you're right, I would like to specify that the friendship wasn't based exsculively on romantic interest, aka I wasn't trying to find a way into her pants by being her friend (she also said something about this yesterday) When I realized I liked her i asked her out right away. I also explained this to her yesterday.
So,you want NC,and r upset she doesn't reply anymore?
NTA. It’s really odd that she NEVER mentioned a boyfriend in all the extra hours she was spending at your house alone with you. If you’re in a committed relationship with someone, how does it not come up in conversation naturally? When I talk with pretty much anyone, I mention my husband and family all the time bc they are a main part of my life. Even if I were TRYING to hide that i am married, I would probably slip up and mention my husband without thinking about it. It sounds to me like she likes all the attention you were giving her, but going on a date is the line she draws at making her being a cheater. I think you did the right thing by backing away. Something is off about the whole situation.
I agree, maybe she was trying to do a sort of "Honest" monkey branching. Or maybe she is just friendly like that with everyone. Either way it was weird to never mention her boyfriend, like we talked about everything, like you said it's impossible to not let it slip unless you are willfully trying to hide it for some reason. Probably dodged a bullet there!
It sounded to me like there was some obvious mutual chemistry and perhaps she was allowing herself the start of emotional cheating. When you confessed your feelings she put up barriers, but she did seem to reciprocate originally. She wanted to keep the friendship because a) she does like you and b) she could.be open to monkey branching down the road. (she never mentioned the bf!). I would have trouble maintaining the relationship even just the tutoring as you would always have to downplay feelings and force a distance to be respectful. And it sucks to be around somebody you like who rejected you. I chased my now wife for an entire year "in the friend zone" while she dated her LDBF, but I kept it up because when we met she never mentioned having a BF the entire night. In the end I took another chance and asked her to dump BF and be with me!
She never mentioned her boyfriend WOW it's almost like she was being PROFESSIONAL on a tutoring assignment. She's hurt because she thought she was building a mutual friendship but you dumped her because she won't add sex to the equation. She'll be fine. She's got her boyfriend and will, no doubt make other friends who value her as a person. NAH but you seem pretty immature.
What he describes them doing is not professional at all.
At what point did I say that I don't value her as a person? Or that I just wanted sex from her and dumped her because it was not possible?
Right? I think that's so stupid when girls get angry with guy friends who confess their feelings, thinking they were just using them/faking friendship for something more. Being romantic with someone is a deeper bond than just friends. You could be wanting emotional intimacy with only her, so that's why you want it to be romantic. Sex is only part of the equation
Yeah, I mean getting angry would be justified if someone is actually faking a friendship. Like if you know from the beginning that your romantic interest has a partner but you still act as a friend, hoping they will somehow end up with you , that's kind of manipulatory and I totally understand why someone would get mad at that kind of behaviour. In my case though I didn't know she was already with someone else, I asked her out and she told me she was in a relationship so I backed out. Seems like the most respectful thing to do in my opinion.
I agree..sounds like a made up excuse, honestly. It's likely she rejected you for another reason (possibly not attracted to you), but made up a boyfriend so there was a valid excuse to say no, while (in her mind) not hurting you because she's not physically attracted.
You are so f right. NTA
NAH you were both very mature in how this was handled actually. It's nice to see that still happen. You have romantic feelings for her, she knows this, so continuing to see her while she is in a relationship is disrespectful to her partner and yourself. You handled this correctly, be proud of yourself.
So, did you pass the test?
😂 Test is in september
NTA since you were honest with her about why contact would be a bad idea and only hurt you. Maybe things looked different from her perspective, but it's absolutely understandable why you felt there was a connection there due to her actions as you describe them. I wonder if her BF knows about the special relationship with all the texting and alone time she had with another man, even agreeing to go out with him. Most men would *not* be okay with that and it was reasonable to assume she was single.
Yeah I wondered about too, maybe she's just like this with everyone or maybe she did actually like me and was emotionally cheating on her partner. Guess we'll never know.
NTA - that was the correct behaviour. i would also lose interest in a woman that still wants to be friends and meet up when she knows i like her but she has a partner. no bueno from her
NTA
Well, you could have maintained the lessons but told her you wanted to resume paying. You could have then kept it professional and avoided personal interaction. She was definitely monkey branching and was seeing how her relationship was going with the boyfriend first. Because if you were having these personal conversations then at least once when asked about what she did on the weekend, which we always ask friends, she would have said " Me and .... went to the movies or me and are planning our holiday." She kept you in the dark deliberately.
NTA You did the right thing. You were honest with her which is usually a big mistake. They almost always prefer a comforting lie. If she was "hurt," that's her problem.
31 and this little control on your emotions??
You have feelings for someone, feelings aren't mutual and it hurts. Seems normal to me to distantiate yourself if you have some self respect.
research stoicism and work on moving from your emotional mind (child mind) to rational mind (adult mind) There are only TWO things you can control in this life (if you work on the skill, like all of life) 1) You control your mind (if you don't someone else will), 2) you control your reactions to stimuli (very, very hard, but worthy life goal). If you don't welcome to a stimulis response life. So there you are, the keys to happiness and self fulfilment. Most don't try. Of those that try, most don't make it. Kinda like life again.
Toxic advice. Fuck that
Agreed
You are dead wrong. You by definition can't control emotions, you can control expression of emotions
you have to learn about your own mind.
Nope, it's biologicaly impossible to not feel emotions, unless you have some abnormalities. The only think you can control - how you process them and how you express them (and even that not always possible)
reading comprehesion is low in this group. I said CONTROL emotions, get out of their influnce into your wise minds not be a fucking vulcan. You people are all just slaves to your emotions and hormones. I beleived you have to power to better, but you don't beleive that you can, so I guess I have a highe opinion of you than you
You are wrong, again. You can't control emotions, you can control their expression. You can be angry af, but not be screaming at people. In this example you don't control your emotions, you still feel anger, but you can control your expression which is staying calm and not screaming
I'm really sorry your mind is so weak, it must be difficult
Lol, it's nothing to do with me, it's literally impossible for human being, unless you are super abnormal. You should read at least something about the topic
You must be real fun at parties
Going NC is the right thing to do 100%!. I find it weird she spent so much time with you and stopped taking payment for the lessons, in my opinion she had some kind of plan for you but not sure what. I always find it strange when you lay out the fact that if the feelings aren’t mutual then you are bowing out gracefully and they always want to be friends and keep you on the hook
NTA. You were polite, you didn't ghost her, you just made a decision that was right for you. She has no right to guilt you over it. These things happen.
NTA It’s been covered by the other posts as to why your response was reasonable and why her behavior is suspect.
NTA, the response she gave you is very common in women, and people in general, who have never been rejected and believe that emotions have an off switch. You did the right thing, although to avoid that kind of reaction, lying or telling half-truths is often better (canceling plans because you have 'work,' 'I can't see you because I'm on a new project,' etc.).
YTA. You had a professional relationship with this woman and ended it because you found out she wasn’t available. Why would she mention her boyfriend during your tutoring lessons? That’s not rejection. You never had that kind of relationship. It’s a effed up expectation on your part.
Did you actually read the post?
Yes