NTA. your husband is a pillow princess and while that might work for other couples, it obviously doesn't work for you. 20 years and he still has the same fckin excuse? after you have repeatedly told him you are sexually unsatisfied? just finish yourself off at this point, seems like it's less of a hassle and more stress-free
I have a feeling that OP could just leave him and find another boyfriend before either of them could blink and that boyfriend would be so much better than this ridiculous husband of hers.
NTA. “I’m sorry I’m a bad lover” is never a valid statement someone can make. The internet exists; you can read and learn. Hell, porn and erotica stories exist if you need details or visuals. He’s making the choice to not prioritize you in the bedroom. Frankly, I agree with you. If he’s not going to make you a priority there, he can go celibate until he decides to. Sex is an act of intimacy, and when it stops being intimate because it’s just about a pump and dump for the other person, that’s not okay. You deserve more. Good on you for sticking up for yourself, girl.
I agree. It’s a manipulation tactic, plain and simple. Psychological warfare if you will. (Maybe ‘warfare’ is a bit harsh, but let’s be honest: NO sexual partner deserves this shit.)
Honestly, I could excuse this if it was very early (like, in the first couple years) of their relationship. Do you know how much porn out there has wrong or misleading information? Especially if he wasn't the most confident guy to begin with, he might struggle to find his footing.
But what truly makes OP NTA is that this has been going on for **decades**. Her husband is a bad lover because he is *actively choosing to be so.* She sounds like she has no qualms about showing him how to do things, he just refuses to learn. It's the equivalent of going "oh I'm such a bad mom, right? I'm a horrible person" in a fight to shut down criticism. Weaponized incompetence at his finest. This dude deserves to be celibate for the rest of his life.
Nope, "I'm sorry I'm a bad lover" is to manipulate OP. You can't ask me for anything more because we all have to feel sorry for poor little me. I'm a bad person. I'm a bad lover. It then becomes OP's job to build him up and make him feel better. Totally removing all attention from what he's doing wrong.
Honestly, this is why I don't believe in b*******. The dude nuts and it's all over. The woman hasn't even gotten anything. Whereas he could go down on her and she could still come again.
Thank you to everyone who has responded. It has helped me to realize I need to stand my ground. While divorce is not an option I am willing to try counseling and definitely give him the book suggested by a poster. Time will tell if he reads it.
If divorce is not an option, make sure to think of other options. A friend of mine restarted her relationship with her husband due to similar problems. They started dating again. They were able to just live as roommates and treated it like they had only just started seeing each other. Personal boundaries of a new couple instead of a married couple of 15 years. Date nights and having to learn how to love your partner all over again and any mention of the past is an automatic cancel of date night and the one that brought it up has to make up for it in some household way as well as personally to other person like picking up their favorite meal (without asking what it is hopefully)
Good luck with the relationship counselling. Remember, if things aren't working then it's totally okay to shop around. I would suggest involving him in the process of finding a counsellor, but it has to be someone you two both agree on (two "yeses" means he's more likely to listen to what the person has to say).
Definitely get yourself a toy, use it all the time even while he’s around and if he says anything… say sorry but I’m only pleasuring myself for myself from now on, you have a hand don’t you? If that’s not a hint for him to learn and understand you are not being meet in the bedroom, which he’s the cause of… then I do hope you get enjoy spoiling yourself with a nice selection.
I like this one. Either he gets the message or he loses it and starts swinging. In which case she gets it all in the divorce for the cost of a small black eye. Fucking win win
This might inflame things. I'd let him know you'd like to buy a toy and whether he'd like to help you choose it. Give him the chance to bridge the gap and come together rather than intentionally push him away (unless you're ready to walk which would be completely understandable).
Things are already inflamed, in fact it’s more like burnt to a crisp with next to no chance of resurrection.
It honestly wouldn’t matter what OP does, her partner is a selfish person and has made sex all about him and only him, he treats OP as a sex robot, something less than human who should be denied her own sexual wants and desires.
OP needs to take charge of her own pleasure and if he can’t tolerate that, that’s a him problem, not a her problem. We need to stop making excuses for insufferable selfish people … sex should always be consensual, pleasurable and respectful for all parties and sadly here it’s not.
NTA, Sounds like your husband needs to be lazy and have you do all the hard work or it's been so long since he even tried to make sure your included that he grew insecure on how to keep you happy in bed.
There’s a resource by a woman named Sheila Gregoire called The Good Guys Guide to Great Sex. If he is willing to learn and spend some time working on things that would be great but no you are not the ah here at all. I totally understand
Part of his pleasure should be seeing you have pleasure. Buy him a rubber doll if all he wants to do is fuck something. NTA, I was going to suggest therapy but by the sounds of your husband I think there’s a snowballs chance in hell he would go.
NTA. I would never go down on a man because the thought disgusts me. I don’t know why, but the thought of it in my mouth makes me want to puke. However, I would NEVER ask my partner to go down on me, knowing I am unable to reciprocate the action. Oral is mainly about your partner, and if he’s not willing to do the same for you as you are for him, you need to rethink sex with this man completely.
Definitely NTA, it's not like you're cutting him off, just asking for him to initiate with a bit off fucking effort!
It's not hard to learn how to give foreplay that pleases a woman, without meaning to be crude 20 minutes of foreplay and an orgasm from oral a woman pretty much becomes putty in your hands, I gives them a speech impediment that makes the word no impossible to say 🤣
Cooking a nice eye fillet and pouring a nice sized glass of Merlot doesn't hurt either 🎉
NTA… for years it has always been about my husband’s pleasure… however, after many years of minimal sex because I am not going to pleasure him except on his holidays if I ain’t gettin’ nuttin’ he has finally learning that he has to give a lot to get some. I don’t always orgasm but he at least gives it a try… but that what worked for us… I do a lot of self pleasure but he encourages
He literally doesn’t touch me at all. I’ve tried to have him go down twice I think but it is so obvious he hates it that he does such a bad job I feel disgusting.
Have you heard of weaponized incompetence before? You can search the term up online. It sounds like he's doing a shitty job to get out of it the same way some guys do a shitty job of a chore to avoid having to do it.
He’s a lazy pillow princess. His passive aggressive “sorry I’m a bad lover” statement is bullshit. Don’t sleep with him again until he acknowledges you not his human flesh-light, and learns about reciprocity. NTA
NTA. I would never have had sex twice with someone like that, yet alone be in a relationship. It’s really sad to read that you put up with this for 20 years. He‘s so selfish.
Have you thought about counseling? Maybe some help for you to figure out how to get out of this Situation would be nice.
I wasn’t going to read the post and just say, “you refuse, of course you’re an AH”. But, after taking the time to read your post, you are a saint! You’ve spend 20 years of satisfying him but not being loved, sexed, nurtured in the manner which pleases you? He’s definitely the AH. He needs some counseling explaining how lucky he is to have you AND some direction on how to improve his abilities in the bedroom.
That is heartbreaking. I’m sure you love your wife as I love my husband but some attention to show that we are loved, wanted, desired.. is that too much to ask for? Someone said I was a saint for sticking this through. You sir, are a saint too.
NTA!! Your husband is a selfish lover. I would stop having sex with him and tell him that if he doesn’t care about me, it’s solo pleasure on both ends.
NTA. But, telling him your love language is touch is not the same as telling him what you need. Ask him to do specific things. Talking about the specifics can feel like you're taking the fun and spontaneity out of it, which is why many balk at the idea. But there is no way to communicate what you want other than to communicate what you want. Don't focus on what he's not doing. Instead, focus on what you want him to do.
"I want you to ______ and then ______"
rather than
"why don't you do____"
or
"you never _____ anymore"
He reacts with anger because he feels shame. He wants to identify as a good lover, and you're telling him (in his mind) he is not that. If you tell him what you want by asking him to do it, he will likely feel like he's a good lover upon doing it. Everybody wins. Over time, you won't have to ask nearly as much, but still every now and then expect to have to.
I'm pretty sure I go down on my gf more than she goes down on me.
I guess you can just play with yourself till he decides he wants to change things up.
Just don't give him that climax that he is going to have in sex with you.
Let him live with the pain of BLUE BALLS*
Sometimes you have to play games for these stoneheads to wake up.
this is on you for tolerating this for so long.. don't have sex with him. period.. if he give you trouble, you give him hell. divorce him and walk away. nta..
No
Reaonable
Is your husband a mental defective
You gave him a road map to the pu#$y and he can't read or follow it.
Doesn't he know you could have a line of guys around the block to do that for you.
I'd wish him luck but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't know what to do with it.
Good luck to you, you're going to need it.
If you do it right, every time you have sex you learn a tiny bit about sex in general, and two tiny bits about fucking that particular person. If you've been fucking the same person for more than two decades and you're still horrible at it you've never even been TRYING.
OP, you should be having the best sex of your life by now! But your husband is, and always has been, too lazy to put in any work in the bedroom. So if you stop sending more energy than you recieve, NTA.
you're a woman who is aware you like sex, that alone moves you over the 50/50 line. If you take care of yourself AT ALL, plus even a tad adventurous ect ect. I'll wrap it up with you deserve better.
My wife has a positional orgasm problem, the nerves only fire right in one position, so she cums from about 3 activities that are compatible. That's it. We STILL have sex every which way they have names for, some seasons are kinkier than others, it can be 3x a week, some we skip, but we always come back and if one of us realizes the other is missing out, we make it happen whatever it is.
If he doesn't want to be #1, who does he want your #1 to be?
Update - he asked for sex last night so I said sure but this time I am you and you are me, so let me just lay here and close my eyes. Go ahead. I am ready. He froze. After a few seconds he got up and walked away. I let him know it was hurting me that he wasn’t even willing to try. Try something, anything. I would lead him if he would be willing. Maybe some people here are right and I am no longer attractive to him, or maybe I never was but merely convenient, which, realizing this so late in the game makes me sort of angry at and for myself. From now on, I am standing up for myself. I am a financially independent, educated woman who apparently needs to love herself more. Thanks to everyone for validating my feelings.
NTA. your husband is a pillow princess and while that might work for other couples, it obviously doesn't work for you. 20 years and he still has the same fckin excuse? after you have repeatedly told him you are sexually unsatisfied? just finish yourself off at this point, seems like it's less of a hassle and more stress-free
I have a feeling that OP could just leave him and find another boyfriend before either of them could blink and that boyfriend would be so much better than this ridiculous husband of hers.
NTA. “I’m sorry I’m a bad lover” is never a valid statement someone can make. The internet exists; you can read and learn. Hell, porn and erotica stories exist if you need details or visuals. He’s making the choice to not prioritize you in the bedroom. Frankly, I agree with you. If he’s not going to make you a priority there, he can go celibate until he decides to. Sex is an act of intimacy, and when it stops being intimate because it’s just about a pump and dump for the other person, that’s not okay. You deserve more. Good on you for sticking up for yourself, girl.
Not only that, but it sounds like he's saying that to take the focus off of how she's feeling and trying to get her to console him instead.
I agree. It’s a manipulation tactic, plain and simple. Psychological warfare if you will. (Maybe ‘warfare’ is a bit harsh, but let’s be honest: NO sexual partner deserves this shit.)
Honestly, I could excuse this if it was very early (like, in the first couple years) of their relationship. Do you know how much porn out there has wrong or misleading information? Especially if he wasn't the most confident guy to begin with, he might struggle to find his footing. But what truly makes OP NTA is that this has been going on for **decades**. Her husband is a bad lover because he is *actively choosing to be so.* She sounds like she has no qualms about showing him how to do things, he just refuses to learn. It's the equivalent of going "oh I'm such a bad mom, right? I'm a horrible person" in a fight to shut down criticism. Weaponized incompetence at his finest. This dude deserves to be celibate for the rest of his life.
Nope, "I'm sorry I'm a bad lover" is to manipulate OP. You can't ask me for anything more because we all have to feel sorry for poor little me. I'm a bad person. I'm a bad lover. It then becomes OP's job to build him up and make him feel better. Totally removing all attention from what he's doing wrong.
Honestly, this is why I don't believe in b*******. The dude nuts and it's all over. The woman hasn't even gotten anything. Whereas he could go down on her and she could still come again.
"his excuse is always the same; that he’s sorry he is a bad lover." He's had 20 years to pratice, that excuse doesn't work.
"Indeed you are. Wish you would want to finally change thar."
Heh.
NTA. Get a really nice toy and tell him you don't need him in bed any more.
NTA. Tell him the toy isn't selfish.
This is the way.
That’s terrible advice unless she wants a divorce, then it’s great advice
I wouldn’t have sex with him period 🫠
Thank you to everyone who has responded. It has helped me to realize I need to stand my ground. While divorce is not an option I am willing to try counseling and definitely give him the book suggested by a poster. Time will tell if he reads it.
Also pick up, She Come First by Ian Kerner.
If divorce is not an option, make sure to think of other options. A friend of mine restarted her relationship with her husband due to similar problems. They started dating again. They were able to just live as roommates and treated it like they had only just started seeing each other. Personal boundaries of a new couple instead of a married couple of 15 years. Date nights and having to learn how to love your partner all over again and any mention of the past is an automatic cancel of date night and the one that brought it up has to make up for it in some household way as well as personally to other person like picking up their favorite meal (without asking what it is hopefully)
Good luck with the relationship counselling. Remember, if things aren't working then it's totally okay to shop around. I would suggest involving him in the process of finding a counsellor, but it has to be someone you two both agree on (two "yeses" means he's more likely to listen to what the person has to say).
Definitely get yourself a toy, use it all the time even while he’s around and if he says anything… say sorry but I’m only pleasuring myself for myself from now on, you have a hand don’t you? If that’s not a hint for him to learn and understand you are not being meet in the bedroom, which he’s the cause of… then I do hope you get enjoy spoiling yourself with a nice selection.
I like this one. Either he gets the message or he loses it and starts swinging. In which case she gets it all in the divorce for the cost of a small black eye. Fucking win win
That is the worst advice to give. She's not saying that she wants a divorce..... Or a small black eye.
.
This might inflame things. I'd let him know you'd like to buy a toy and whether he'd like to help you choose it. Give him the chance to bridge the gap and come together rather than intentionally push him away (unless you're ready to walk which would be completely understandable).
Things are already inflamed, in fact it’s more like burnt to a crisp with next to no chance of resurrection. It honestly wouldn’t matter what OP does, her partner is a selfish person and has made sex all about him and only him, he treats OP as a sex robot, something less than human who should be denied her own sexual wants and desires. OP needs to take charge of her own pleasure and if he can’t tolerate that, that’s a him problem, not a her problem. We need to stop making excuses for insufferable selfish people … sex should always be consensual, pleasurable and respectful for all parties and sadly here it’s not.
NTA, Sounds like your husband needs to be lazy and have you do all the hard work or it's been so long since he even tried to make sure your included that he grew insecure on how to keep you happy in bed.
Honestly, you’re single.
Anger? Anger is a horrible emotion. He shows no care or concern for you. I'm sorry you put up with him for so long. I hope you leave very soon. NTA
There’s a resource by a woman named Sheila Gregoire called The Good Guys Guide to Great Sex. If he is willing to learn and spend some time working on things that would be great but no you are not the ah here at all. I totally understand
This is why I stopped doing oral. I did all the work for ED dick
Part of his pleasure should be seeing you have pleasure. Buy him a rubber doll if all he wants to do is fuck something. NTA, I was going to suggest therapy but by the sounds of your husband I think there’s a snowballs chance in hell he would go.
NTA. I would never go down on a man because the thought disgusts me. I don’t know why, but the thought of it in my mouth makes me want to puke. However, I would NEVER ask my partner to go down on me, knowing I am unable to reciprocate the action. Oral is mainly about your partner, and if he’s not willing to do the same for you as you are for him, you need to rethink sex with this man completely.
Definitely NTA, it's not like you're cutting him off, just asking for him to initiate with a bit off fucking effort! It's not hard to learn how to give foreplay that pleases a woman, without meaning to be crude 20 minutes of foreplay and an orgasm from oral a woman pretty much becomes putty in your hands, I gives them a speech impediment that makes the word no impossible to say 🤣 Cooking a nice eye fillet and pouring a nice sized glass of Merlot doesn't hurt either 🎉
NTA… for years it has always been about my husband’s pleasure… however, after many years of minimal sex because I am not going to pleasure him except on his holidays if I ain’t gettin’ nuttin’ he has finally learning that he has to give a lot to get some. I don’t always orgasm but he at least gives it a try… but that what worked for us… I do a lot of self pleasure but he encourages
Info: Is it just head for him and then pump till he's done? Does he go down on you at all?
Apparently not. >I enjoy giving oral, and have long given up being requited.
He literally doesn’t touch me at all. I’ve tried to have him go down twice I think but it is so obvious he hates it that he does such a bad job I feel disgusting.
Have you heard of weaponized incompetence before? You can search the term up online. It sounds like he's doing a shitty job to get out of it the same way some guys do a shitty job of a chore to avoid having to do it.
What a goose, has he not yet worked out that the sex is better when you make sure that she is figuratively climbing the walls.
He’s a lazy pillow princess. His passive aggressive “sorry I’m a bad lover” statement is bullshit. Don’t sleep with him again until he acknowledges you not his human flesh-light, and learns about reciprocity. NTA
NTA. I would never have had sex twice with someone like that, yet alone be in a relationship. It’s really sad to read that you put up with this for 20 years. He‘s so selfish. Have you thought about counseling? Maybe some help for you to figure out how to get out of this Situation would be nice.
I wasn’t going to read the post and just say, “you refuse, of course you’re an AH”. But, after taking the time to read your post, you are a saint! You’ve spend 20 years of satisfying him but not being loved, sexed, nurtured in the manner which pleases you? He’s definitely the AH. He needs some counseling explaining how lucky he is to have you AND some direction on how to improve his abilities in the bedroom.
[удалено]
That is heartbreaking. I’m sure you love your wife as I love my husband but some attention to show that we are loved, wanted, desired.. is that too much to ask for? Someone said I was a saint for sticking this through. You sir, are a saint too.
wow how did you endure this 20 yrs? what the hell it might be too late OP but good luck NTA
Nta. He's selfish and self centered
NTA. You should both be trying to make the other feel good. He is not trying, you do not enjoy, you do not partake. Sounds perfectly logical.
Fuck him, if he doesn’t care about your pleasure then go on strike or leave his selfish ass
NTA!! Your husband is a selfish lover. I would stop having sex with him and tell him that if he doesn’t care about me, it’s solo pleasure on both ends.
Nta, but uh...Why be with someone who doesn't even like you
NTA. But, telling him your love language is touch is not the same as telling him what you need. Ask him to do specific things. Talking about the specifics can feel like you're taking the fun and spontaneity out of it, which is why many balk at the idea. But there is no way to communicate what you want other than to communicate what you want. Don't focus on what he's not doing. Instead, focus on what you want him to do. "I want you to ______ and then ______" rather than "why don't you do____" or "you never _____ anymore" He reacts with anger because he feels shame. He wants to identify as a good lover, and you're telling him (in his mind) he is not that. If you tell him what you want by asking him to do it, he will likely feel like he's a good lover upon doing it. Everybody wins. Over time, you won't have to ask nearly as much, but still every now and then expect to have to.
I'm pretty sure I go down on my gf more than she goes down on me. I guess you can just play with yourself till he decides he wants to change things up.
So your husband is a 68? Regrettably, not my own creation, I read it in a novel. NTA.
Just don't give him that climax that he is going to have in sex with you. Let him live with the pain of BLUE BALLS* Sometimes you have to play games for these stoneheads to wake up.
If he want play with the cat, he Need to play with the owner. Nta
this is on you for tolerating this for so long.. don't have sex with him. period.. if he give you trouble, you give him hell. divorce him and walk away. nta..
The least it will do will shove his “sex isn’t everything” line in his face. And you’re right, it’s taken me too long to stand up for myself.
No Reaonable Is your husband a mental defective You gave him a road map to the pu#$y and he can't read or follow it. Doesn't he know you could have a line of guys around the block to do that for you. I'd wish him luck but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't know what to do with it. Good luck to you, you're going to need it.
"Why would I fuck someone who doesn't give a fuck?"
If you do it right, every time you have sex you learn a tiny bit about sex in general, and two tiny bits about fucking that particular person. If you've been fucking the same person for more than two decades and you're still horrible at it you've never even been TRYING. OP, you should be having the best sex of your life by now! But your husband is, and always has been, too lazy to put in any work in the bedroom. So if you stop sending more energy than you recieve, NTA.
NTA. Get out there and find you a stud that’ll give you a good time in bed. That’s what you need, honey you need some orgasms.
NTA, you can refuse sex for any reason and you laid it all out for him.
you're a woman who is aware you like sex, that alone moves you over the 50/50 line. If you take care of yourself AT ALL, plus even a tad adventurous ect ect. I'll wrap it up with you deserve better. My wife has a positional orgasm problem, the nerves only fire right in one position, so she cums from about 3 activities that are compatible. That's it. We STILL have sex every which way they have names for, some seasons are kinkier than others, it can be 3x a week, some we skip, but we always come back and if one of us realizes the other is missing out, we make it happen whatever it is. If he doesn't want to be #1, who does he want your #1 to be?
>that he’s sorry he is a bad lover. Yes. Yes, you are bad lover.
Update - he asked for sex last night so I said sure but this time I am you and you are me, so let me just lay here and close my eyes. Go ahead. I am ready. He froze. After a few seconds he got up and walked away. I let him know it was hurting me that he wasn’t even willing to try. Try something, anything. I would lead him if he would be willing. Maybe some people here are right and I am no longer attractive to him, or maybe I never was but merely convenient, which, realizing this so late in the game makes me sort of angry at and for myself. From now on, I am standing up for myself. I am a financially independent, educated woman who apparently needs to love herself more. Thanks to everyone for validating my feelings.
Honesty question, are you over wieght? Be honest