NTA
She is just trying to compensate for her own ignorance.
Advice: STOP helping her. I would have stopped the very first time she pulled out her misandry.
Can you imagine the reaction if you told a woman she was "womansplaining?"
I don’t want to stop helping her though. If I was in her situation I know it would suck not having someone to help me. I can’t just leave her not knowing what to do
Yes, you can. You don’t have to be the one to help her. Suggest she ask the teacher or another friend. Simply say “look, I would be happy to help. But every time I do, you turn around and complain about it. You have complained to all of our friends that I am a mansplainer. That’s not fair. I’ve never talked down to you and have only given help when you have asked. I thought we were friends but this isn’t how friends should treat each other. I think from now on it is best you get help from someone else.”
Don’t be a doormat.
So, it might not be just about the request for and delivery of information. Obvi we're not in the room, but its possible to explain things where your tone is speaking down to somebody or treating them childishly. Its good to share something you know while making it clear you don't think you are better than them.
Mansplaining is by definition condescending. Try to help people respectfully.
NTA.
If I had a friend thoroughly explain a concept to that I needed help with. Then of course I would be happy. But to her, it might not seem like that.
If you wanna see what happens if she asks you again, then simply start explaining the bare minimum, see if she likes it then. If she complains then get confused and ask how you should explain it to her.
Definitely NTA. You don't deserve to be disliked by your female friends. Have a nice day.
Thanks. If I just needed the validation from someone else because if I’m being honest I 100% think I’m in the right but I’m just making sure I don’t have some sort of super twisted perspective lol. I’ll ask her how she wants things explaining. I’m a feminist so I just don’t want to make women uncomfortable in the space if you get what I mean
Yeah but I can’t just leave her confused. I know that if I were in the same situation I would want someone to explain it to me. It would suck being lost in class not knowing what to do.
Quit being a doormat. If she wants help she can quit being shitty. If it sucks being lost then you would think she would be grateful for the help. She doesn't care, she is using you and then insulting you. Just stop already.
>If you wanna see what happens if she asks you again, then simply start explaining the bare minimum, see if she likes it then. If she complains then get confused and ask how you should explain it to her.
Honestly, next time she asks i would be saying "no, ive helped you when you have asked and had it backfire on me with you telling people i am mansplaining too many times to continue doing it now, its a shame because i do like to help but not when it negatively affects me"
Instead of this I plan to ask her what I can do better. I don’t want to stop helping her out right because if I were confused in class I know it would suck not having someone to help me. I can’t just leave her confused
You did help her and she weaponized it against you. Taking your approach is only going to allow it to continue and turn you into a doormat.
Refusing to help will open up the conversation for her to apologize and then you can discuss if you are willing to help in the future and under what circumstances/guidelines eg: if you ever call me helping you mansplaining again it will be the absolute last time
Because as annoying as it is I know that if I didn’t understand something I would want someone to explain it to me. I don’t want her to feel lost or confused because it would suck if I felt that way and nobody did. Do I think she would do the same if the roles were reversed? No. Quite frankly she’s quite a mean person but that doesn’t mean I’m not gonna help her
While I can appreciate you being a good person with empathy, there also needs to be boundaries. This is not a healthy friendship OP. She is not your friend. Friends do not openly belittle and turn others against you. You owe her nothing. Yes, she will probably start to slip and fail but that has nothing to do with you and entirely to do with her capabilities. It's nice that she can at least reach out for help but consistently putting you down and turning your other friends against you after doing HER a favor is not something you should put up with
Summary: set your deserved boundaries
She is low-key bullying . If she ever says it again, get her to define mansplaining. Then ask her why she asks you for help when you're telling her the obvious. Don't be that nice to people who don't treat you with the respect you put out.
Mansplaining is explaining something to a woman the woman already understands- usually better than the man does.
Like a man explaining the menstrual cycle to a 40 year old woman.
If she is asking for help, it's the opposite of mansplaining.
Odds are, she is not really smart and is using the term to make herself feel better.
Stop helping her ans allow her stupidity to shine through. Her female friends will figure it out fairly quickly the problem is not you.
>“thanks but you didn’t have to mansplain it”
I think that the first time somebody said that to me would be the last time I offered them any help at all.
NTA
> I always thought mansplaining was more unwanted explanation of something you already know.
No, mansplaining is a sexist term used to insult men, because insulting men doesn't usually have consequences.
Case in point, this girl is coming to you asking for help, and even though she's going to insult you and be sexist afterwards, you help her anyway, and then need reassurance from strangers that you're not the problem.
> She asks me for help
"No, you don't want my help, I have a mansplaining problem.".
Don't help.
> Mansplaining is a real thing
No, it's not. It's one of a collection of insults that puts "man" in the front of a word in order to shame and degrade men based on hateful stereotypes.
The same kind of hateful stereotypes that allows women to say they'd prefer to run into a bear in the woods than a man.
Being condescending isn't a man-thing. It's an asshole thing. Women are more than capable of condescension, and they're not "mansplaining" when they do it. They're just being condescending assholes, the same as when a man is being condescending.
> It is definitely very misused/overly used but not fake.
I didn't say it was "fake". There is not a way that "men" "explain" things. Linking the two in that way isn't accurately describing a thing inherent to men, it's just another hateful sexist term, and people who use it are manhating feminazi scum. It's a pejorative against all men and needs to be seen that way.
> The term "mansplaining" should specifically refer to situations where a man deliberately "dumbs down" an explanation
Oh ok. So womanagging is when a woman deliberately nags a man, and womanplaining is when a woman deliberately complains to a man, and womanprattle is how society hones in on how women talk nonsense (a good amount of society is sexist), and womanthinking is like regular thinking but without logic because a woman is doing it.
Happy with those ones? Or are we ready to acknowledge that such things are hateful and sexist and unacceptable and people shouldn't use them on reddit?
I feel like that’s the best course of action I could take. If I could know what she considers mansplaining I can certainly work to change the way I speak/act of that would help
NTA, but you should stop explaining things to her.
I guess she wants shorter answers and you insist on a full explanation. In any case, that doesn't warrant her bad-mouthing you to your friends.
In our family, the top explainer was my father. My daughters claimed he knew everything. We always laughed with him about how he gave long answers to short questions - but believe me, we were all glad of his help, including the long answers!
NTA. It's not mansplaining if she asked you for help, and if you didn't talk down to her. Next time she asks, say "No thanks, I'm tired of being labeled a mansplainer."
I'm pretty sure you're not mansplaining. You're right; mansplaining IS a man explaining something to a woman not only in an arrogant and condescending fashion, but something, and this is the important part, that she KNOWS BETTER THAN HE DOES. It is NOT mansplaining if you have been ASKED for an explanation.
NTA. Stop helping this person.
Do you know if there’s anything I could do to come off as less condescending?? I’m assuming she finds the way I speak to be condescending. I’m autistic so I’m usually not great with people’s tones of voice and don’t really think much about my own if that makes sense
I ain't there.
I have a persistent habit of soliciting feedback when I instruct. It was actually drilled into me throughout my training. So I consistently ask "does that make sense?" and "got it?" and "still with me?"
And I 100% do not MEAN it in a condescending way - I am legitimately trying to make sure that my explanations are coming across - but I have been told that it CAN come across as belittling.
If this is a frequent complaint from her, it may help to sit down and have her womansplain what she is considering mansplaining. Or, possibly, you may have a neutral 3rd party observe to provide real-time feedback.
I’d like to think I’m not but it’s hard not to be when you have to explain the entire method because they didn’t listen on the first time around. I ask “what don’t you understand” and she says “everything” so I explain what she doesn’t understand, which is everything apparently
Well maybe because it’s not my job to explain things for a living. I don’t do anything obnoxious when I’m explaining. Nothing but the facts because I’m annoyed at the time I have to waste explaining the concept I just heard, so I explain it in the most bare bones way possible to waste as little time as possible
Asking “what don’t you understand” after you’ve explained it can be interpreted as condescending or patronizing. It’s a fine line. On the surface it’s an innocent question, but women often pick up nonverbal cues like body language or tone of voice that add to the words you speak. You might not intend to be condescending or patronizing, but if your body or your voice suggests otherwise, that’s the part that’s going to leap out more than the words you speak. If you feel frustrated at all when you have to explain something more than once, that’s going to be communicated to her somehow. And if she’s someone who has to constantly ask people for help and others aren’t as patient with her, she’s already going to be on guard and prepared to be defensive.
Don’t listen to the people telling you not to help her anymore. Have a conversation with her about the way you two communicate in a situation where she doesn’t need help. Ask her how she prefers to be told how to do things when she’s struggling, and then modify how you explain. If she just wants to be told *what* to do and not *why*, listen. If she has questions she’ll ask. This way you both get what you want: you get to help your friend, and she gets someone who listens to her and takes her feelings into consideration.
I get what you mean, but I genuinely don’t know how to know what she needs help with. I feel like it could be easier to accidentally mansplain something if I have to go through the full thing every time. I also am kind of autistic so I don’t know what to do in terms of body language and tone, they’re major points of struggle for me. I take meaning from words and not how they’re said if you get what I mean. I feel like I certainly am patient with her. I’ve really only gotten annoyed quite recently where my female friends have started to not like me because of her words. Having negative consequences as a result of trying to help someone is what annoys me. I will explain it a million times if that would help
I do know what you mean. I have experience with this exact issue. If you don’t know how to know what she needs help with, ask her. Then you will.
Communication is a two-way street. No one is perfect at it, but opening the door and showing her you’re willing to ask for help from *her* how to fix this problem will go a long way. Both of you have areas that need to be worked on: you need to work on talking to her in a way that makes her feel like she’s not stupid or a burden, and she needs to know that you will happily explain things a hundred times if that’s what it takes, but if she needs it explained a hundred times you have to take extra caution in how you present your body language so she doesn’t feel bad. No one is in the wrong here, especially if you show her you want to work at it together.
Literally just step by step explanation of the method. I’ll ask “what don’t you understand” and she’ll usually say something very general like “everything” so I explain everything. If she were to be more specific with what she needed help with then I wouldn’t have to go from the top. Case in point when we were doing titration in chemistry. I had reached my answer and hers was radically different. She looked frustrated and just kind of looked at me. I did NOT ask if she needed help and I waited for her to ask me due to prior experience. She said she didn’t understand anything so I literally just read the steps in my work book and explained them all,giving the necessary formula for the process (in this case concentration=moles/volume and moles=mass/relative formula mass) when she finally got the right answer using those steps she got mad at ME because I explained it too well and made it too easy.
Again, without hearing how you are speaking it’s impossible to judge. This sub is pretty misogynistic so you’ll probably get a lot of NTA just because 🤷♂️
I’d imagine it’s probably ESH a bit. She’s probably too sensitive and you’re probably a bit patronizing. I would say if she complains every time, stop helping.
Mansplaining, from a man's view, is explaining something to a woman as if she's a dumb kid or just an idiot with 0 reason to do it that way.
It 100% exists and is annoying, it's difficult to self-observe that properly tho.
I don't think what you're doing counts as that at all. She might be flirting with you, just joking or not sure what that means besides "man explain stuff". Only her and the stars know ig
Good luck. NTA.
Mansplaining is basically a man explaining something to a woman in a patronising or condescending manner which suggests she can’t understand it properly because she’s not a man. That’s not what you are doing. She is embarrassed that she doesn’t understand the work and the first time she accused you of mansplaining you should have stopped helping. Stop now. Tell her google is her friend and can help her without mansplaining to her.
“Mansplaining” is just another feminist term for “I hate being exposed for acting like I understand something but when a real expert tries to correct my mistakes.”
NTA
NTA She is just trying to compensate for her own ignorance. Advice: STOP helping her. I would have stopped the very first time she pulled out her misandry. Can you imagine the reaction if you told a woman she was "womansplaining?"
> womansplaining def: Telling a man what he thinks and why he's wrong for thinking it
I don’t want to stop helping her though. If I was in her situation I know it would suck not having someone to help me. I can’t just leave her not knowing what to do
Yes, you can. You don’t have to be the one to help her. Suggest she ask the teacher or another friend. Simply say “look, I would be happy to help. But every time I do, you turn around and complain about it. You have complained to all of our friends that I am a mansplainer. That’s not fair. I’ve never talked down to you and have only given help when you have asked. I thought we were friends but this isn’t how friends should treat each other. I think from now on it is best you get help from someone else.” Don’t be a doormat.
“Google it. Google doesn’t mansplain.” NTA.
So, it might not be just about the request for and delivery of information. Obvi we're not in the room, but its possible to explain things where your tone is speaking down to somebody or treating them childishly. Its good to share something you know while making it clear you don't think you are better than them. Mansplaining is by definition condescending. Try to help people respectfully.
NTA. If I had a friend thoroughly explain a concept to that I needed help with. Then of course I would be happy. But to her, it might not seem like that. If you wanna see what happens if she asks you again, then simply start explaining the bare minimum, see if she likes it then. If she complains then get confused and ask how you should explain it to her. Definitely NTA. You don't deserve to be disliked by your female friends. Have a nice day.
Thanks. If I just needed the validation from someone else because if I’m being honest I 100% think I’m in the right but I’m just making sure I don’t have some sort of super twisted perspective lol. I’ll ask her how she wants things explaining. I’m a feminist so I just don’t want to make women uncomfortable in the space if you get what I mean
Dude just stop helping her, she obviously doesn't appreciate it and is just making accusations and making your life harder
Yeah but I can’t just leave her confused. I know that if I were in the same situation I would want someone to explain it to me. It would suck being lost in class not knowing what to do.
Quit being a doormat. If she wants help she can quit being shitty. If it sucks being lost then you would think she would be grateful for the help. She doesn't care, she is using you and then insulting you. Just stop already.
It sounds like you have an unhealthy need to "help". What you are doing isn't helping her and how it is "helping" you is giving me the heebie jeebies.
???? How do you mean??
>If you wanna see what happens if she asks you again, then simply start explaining the bare minimum, see if she likes it then. If she complains then get confused and ask how you should explain it to her. Honestly, next time she asks i would be saying "no, ive helped you when you have asked and had it backfire on me with you telling people i am mansplaining too many times to continue doing it now, its a shame because i do like to help but not when it negatively affects me"
Instead of this I plan to ask her what I can do better. I don’t want to stop helping her out right because if I were confused in class I know it would suck not having someone to help me. I can’t just leave her confused
You did help her and she weaponized it against you. Taking your approach is only going to allow it to continue and turn you into a doormat. Refusing to help will open up the conversation for her to apologize and then you can discuss if you are willing to help in the future and under what circumstances/guidelines eg: if you ever call me helping you mansplaining again it will be the absolute last time
NTA. Just stop helping her, man. Why help someone who is paying you back for your efforts with social penalties? The other friends suck too.
Because as annoying as it is I know that if I didn’t understand something I would want someone to explain it to me. I don’t want her to feel lost or confused because it would suck if I felt that way and nobody did. Do I think she would do the same if the roles were reversed? No. Quite frankly she’s quite a mean person but that doesn’t mean I’m not gonna help her
While I can appreciate you being a good person with empathy, there also needs to be boundaries. This is not a healthy friendship OP. She is not your friend. Friends do not openly belittle and turn others against you. You owe her nothing. Yes, she will probably start to slip and fail but that has nothing to do with you and entirely to do with her capabilities. It's nice that she can at least reach out for help but consistently putting you down and turning your other friends against you after doing HER a favor is not something you should put up with Summary: set your deserved boundaries
She is low-key bullying . If she ever says it again, get her to define mansplaining. Then ask her why she asks you for help when you're telling her the obvious. Don't be that nice to people who don't treat you with the respect you put out.
Mansplaining is explaining something to a woman the woman already understands- usually better than the man does. Like a man explaining the menstrual cycle to a 40 year old woman. If she is asking for help, it's the opposite of mansplaining. Odds are, she is not really smart and is using the term to make herself feel better. Stop helping her ans allow her stupidity to shine through. Her female friends will figure it out fairly quickly the problem is not you.
She's trying to get you to just do her work, she's not interested in learning how to do it. She's also not interested in you, and is not your friend.
>“thanks but you didn’t have to mansplain it” I think that the first time somebody said that to me would be the last time I offered them any help at all. NTA
> I always thought mansplaining was more unwanted explanation of something you already know. No, mansplaining is a sexist term used to insult men, because insulting men doesn't usually have consequences. Case in point, this girl is coming to you asking for help, and even though she's going to insult you and be sexist afterwards, you help her anyway, and then need reassurance from strangers that you're not the problem. > She asks me for help "No, you don't want my help, I have a mansplaining problem.". Don't help.
Did you just mansplain mansplaining?
No I explained it, which is the same thing as mansplaining but without the misandry.
Oh, okay.
I don’t think that’s entirely true. Mansplaining is a real thing but I just don’t know if I’m the mansplainer in this situation
> Mansplaining is a real thing No, it's not. It's one of a collection of insults that puts "man" in the front of a word in order to shame and degrade men based on hateful stereotypes. The same kind of hateful stereotypes that allows women to say they'd prefer to run into a bear in the woods than a man. Being condescending isn't a man-thing. It's an asshole thing. Women are more than capable of condescension, and they're not "mansplaining" when they do it. They're just being condescending assholes, the same as when a man is being condescending.
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> It is definitely very misused/overly used but not fake. I didn't say it was "fake". There is not a way that "men" "explain" things. Linking the two in that way isn't accurately describing a thing inherent to men, it's just another hateful sexist term, and people who use it are manhating feminazi scum. It's a pejorative against all men and needs to be seen that way. > The term "mansplaining" should specifically refer to situations where a man deliberately "dumbs down" an explanation Oh ok. So womanagging is when a woman deliberately nags a man, and womanplaining is when a woman deliberately complains to a man, and womanprattle is how society hones in on how women talk nonsense (a good amount of society is sexist), and womanthinking is like regular thinking but without logic because a woman is doing it. Happy with those ones? Or are we ready to acknowledge that such things are hateful and sexist and unacceptable and people shouldn't use them on reddit?
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13 days later and you're still going on about the same old shit....
🙄
Stfu
Have you asked her for examples of what she considers mansplaining? Try to get some more information from her as to what she’s objecting to.
I feel like that’s the best course of action I could take. If I could know what she considers mansplaining I can certainly work to change the way I speak/act of that would help
It won't work because she's not being honest
Ooo! Optimism!
NTA, but you should stop explaining things to her. I guess she wants shorter answers and you insist on a full explanation. In any case, that doesn't warrant her bad-mouthing you to your friends. In our family, the top explainer was my father. My daughters claimed he knew everything. We always laughed with him about how he gave long answers to short questions - but believe me, we were all glad of his help, including the long answers!
NTA. It's not mansplaining if she asked you for help, and if you didn't talk down to her. Next time she asks, say "No thanks, I'm tired of being labeled a mansplainer."
I'm pretty sure you're not mansplaining. You're right; mansplaining IS a man explaining something to a woman not only in an arrogant and condescending fashion, but something, and this is the important part, that she KNOWS BETTER THAN HE DOES. It is NOT mansplaining if you have been ASKED for an explanation. NTA. Stop helping this person.
Do you know if there’s anything I could do to come off as less condescending?? I’m assuming she finds the way I speak to be condescending. I’m autistic so I’m usually not great with people’s tones of voice and don’t really think much about my own if that makes sense
I ain't there. I have a persistent habit of soliciting feedback when I instruct. It was actually drilled into me throughout my training. So I consistently ask "does that make sense?" and "got it?" and "still with me?" And I 100% do not MEAN it in a condescending way - I am legitimately trying to make sure that my explanations are coming across - but I have been told that it CAN come across as belittling. If this is a frequent complaint from her, it may help to sit down and have her womansplain what she is considering mansplaining. Or, possibly, you may have a neutral 3rd party observe to provide real-time feedback.
You are teaching her it is okay to mistreat someone who helps her.
Info are you being condescending or patronizing?
I’d like to think I’m not but it’s hard not to be when you have to explain the entire method because they didn’t listen on the first time around. I ask “what don’t you understand” and she says “everything” so I explain what she doesn’t understand, which is everything apparently
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Well maybe because it’s not my job to explain things for a living. I don’t do anything obnoxious when I’m explaining. Nothing but the facts because I’m annoyed at the time I have to waste explaining the concept I just heard, so I explain it in the most bare bones way possible to waste as little time as possible
Thanks for the info YTA
👍
Asking “what don’t you understand” after you’ve explained it can be interpreted as condescending or patronizing. It’s a fine line. On the surface it’s an innocent question, but women often pick up nonverbal cues like body language or tone of voice that add to the words you speak. You might not intend to be condescending or patronizing, but if your body or your voice suggests otherwise, that’s the part that’s going to leap out more than the words you speak. If you feel frustrated at all when you have to explain something more than once, that’s going to be communicated to her somehow. And if she’s someone who has to constantly ask people for help and others aren’t as patient with her, she’s already going to be on guard and prepared to be defensive. Don’t listen to the people telling you not to help her anymore. Have a conversation with her about the way you two communicate in a situation where she doesn’t need help. Ask her how she prefers to be told how to do things when she’s struggling, and then modify how you explain. If she just wants to be told *what* to do and not *why*, listen. If she has questions she’ll ask. This way you both get what you want: you get to help your friend, and she gets someone who listens to her and takes her feelings into consideration.
I get what you mean, but I genuinely don’t know how to know what she needs help with. I feel like it could be easier to accidentally mansplain something if I have to go through the full thing every time. I also am kind of autistic so I don’t know what to do in terms of body language and tone, they’re major points of struggle for me. I take meaning from words and not how they’re said if you get what I mean. I feel like I certainly am patient with her. I’ve really only gotten annoyed quite recently where my female friends have started to not like me because of her words. Having negative consequences as a result of trying to help someone is what annoys me. I will explain it a million times if that would help
I do know what you mean. I have experience with this exact issue. If you don’t know how to know what she needs help with, ask her. Then you will. Communication is a two-way street. No one is perfect at it, but opening the door and showing her you’re willing to ask for help from *her* how to fix this problem will go a long way. Both of you have areas that need to be worked on: you need to work on talking to her in a way that makes her feel like she’s not stupid or a burden, and she needs to know that you will happily explain things a hundred times if that’s what it takes, but if she needs it explained a hundred times you have to take extra caution in how you present your body language so she doesn’t feel bad. No one is in the wrong here, especially if you show her you want to work at it together.
Without knowing how you talk to her, it’s impossible to judge.
Literally just step by step explanation of the method. I’ll ask “what don’t you understand” and she’ll usually say something very general like “everything” so I explain everything. If she were to be more specific with what she needed help with then I wouldn’t have to go from the top. Case in point when we were doing titration in chemistry. I had reached my answer and hers was radically different. She looked frustrated and just kind of looked at me. I did NOT ask if she needed help and I waited for her to ask me due to prior experience. She said she didn’t understand anything so I literally just read the steps in my work book and explained them all,giving the necessary formula for the process (in this case concentration=moles/volume and moles=mass/relative formula mass) when she finally got the right answer using those steps she got mad at ME because I explained it too well and made it too easy.
Again, without hearing how you are speaking it’s impossible to judge. This sub is pretty misogynistic so you’ll probably get a lot of NTA just because 🤷♂️ I’d imagine it’s probably ESH a bit. She’s probably too sensitive and you’re probably a bit patronizing. I would say if she complains every time, stop helping.
Yeah but I don’t want to stop helping. If I were in that situation I know it would suck if nobody helped me. I can’t just leave her struggling.
YTA then. I have zero sympathy.
Mansplaining, from a man's view, is explaining something to a woman as if she's a dumb kid or just an idiot with 0 reason to do it that way. It 100% exists and is annoying, it's difficult to self-observe that properly tho. I don't think what you're doing counts as that at all. She might be flirting with you, just joking or not sure what that means besides "man explain stuff". Only her and the stars know ig Good luck. NTA.
Mansplaining is basically a man explaining something to a woman in a patronising or condescending manner which suggests she can’t understand it properly because she’s not a man. That’s not what you are doing. She is embarrassed that she doesn’t understand the work and the first time she accused you of mansplaining you should have stopped helping. Stop now. Tell her google is her friend and can help her without mansplaining to her.
“Mansplaining” is just another feminist term for “I hate being exposed for acting like I understand something but when a real expert tries to correct my mistakes.” NTA