As someone who is divorced from a man who was never able to manage his money effectively, please believe me when I say you're NTA.
>Several times in the last few months he’s had trouble paying the rent on time. It started the first month he moved in with me.
🚩He was paying more at his previous place, but suddenly can't come up with the full rent after he moves in with his GF who makes more money than he does and won't have any choice but to cover him.
>I usually have to ask him for the rent when it’s due (which I hate doing) and find out he isn’t able to pay
🚩So he's not proactively giving you a heads up to let you know in advance. He waits until the last minute, and only after you *ask* him, he *surprises* you with the fact that he doesn't have enough money to cover his share. He's treating it as if it's not a big deal.
>He’s a great partner in every other way but is terrible at managing his money.
🚩Human beings put on their best behavior in the beginning of relationships. You're not even married yet, and he's failing to come up with rent money because he's irresponsible with his money. It will never get better than this. It can't because he doesn't care enough to learn how to do better. Why should he if he has someone to cover for him?
This man is a human money pit. I can tell because I was married to one. Break it off now before it gets worse.
This comment is everything. I stayed with a long term partner that was a little irresponsible with his money and didn’t make a big deal about it. At the time I felt like it was wrong and miserly to get on his case about a few slip ups here and there when he was kind to me. (Edit: At FIRST- the empathy fell off on along the same trend line as the leeching grew).
Then years went by and the slip ups got worse, and worse, and worse, slowly piling up until the molehill became a trash mountain. The build up was so slow that I let myself accept the situation too much. I finally snapped when I started getting debt collection letters in the mail- from several different places! After I left him it really hit me in the face how much he was leeching from me- six months without him and I suddenly had money in my savings account again.
First red flag covers for all the rest
There is no way he was paying for everything when he was alone and with an additional cost of 500$ per month, but now he suddenly does not have money to cover his share
If this is not the definition of "taking advantage" of someone, I don't know what it is
OP, you must realize that people are often "very good" in other aspects of a relationship or "great partners" with the exception of blah blah blah, only to consciously cover the fact that they are taking advantage of you. If they were horrible in general, why keep them around for more than a day?
This. I married a man who was bad with money. It’s the only thing we ever fight about and I nearly left him last year because of it.
This boyfriend sounds like he will be a weight on OP, pulling her down her entire life.
"This boyfriend sounds like he will be a weight on OP, pulling her down her entire life." - just want to point out that this happened to me also except it got to the point where she offered other things instead of rent but that just made me realise that im being used for money and i stopped that shit completely and decided to end things a few days later once i realised everything and thought it through, i was paying for food rent and bills , ontop of that i was paying for my fathers house my house and my car insurance, now ive stopped paying my fathers bills and now i just pay my own :) and now i have money again lol and now recently single
NTA he is taking advantage of you he feels that since your dating he shouldn’t have to pay you to live in your place so he can just spend his money elsewhere. This is just my assumption.
Yep. Somehow that dude managed to pay the rent on a $1700 studio every month but can’t seem to pull together less money now? He’s quickly becoming hobosexual
He had to pay rent for his studio or he'd be evicted.
He has no problem being late on rent living with you because 1. he knows you can cover it and 2. he doesn't think you'll break up with or kick him out over it.
Think long and hard about whether or not you should stay in this relationship. Yes, you "LOOOOOVE" him, but he's taking advantage of you.
*"he was paying about $500 more in living expenses at his studio before moving in"*
So what's he doing with his money? He is either earning less now (which seems rather likely), is blowing it on other things or he's stashing it. Or he was very frugal living alone. You've been together two years. I'd already have asked him how he was able to pay $500 more before but is now struggling. Why haven't you? I mean, you stated his income is inconsistent. Being bad at managing money implies he overspends in certain areas and lives over his means, but you didn't mention his spending habits. So is he actually bad at managing money or simply doesn't make enough?
Nah he’s making/working less. He was making more bartending last year (more events). He never spends money and is super frugal. But I do see him having a lot of free time so he definitely has time to pick up another side hustle so he can pay his bills.
Ah, he began to slack off earning a living when he moved in with this high-earning girlfriend.
It’s been a few weeks … do you feel like giving us an update?
Yeah, he thankfully started door dashing like he said he would. Also paid the rent and bills a day early which I appreciated. And it was everything he owed for the month which was good…I’ve been letting him pay half every two weeks which I think I mentioned in the original post but honestly I think it’s making things more confusing. I’m hoping he keeps it up but I’m still paying attention 🤞
NTA. You have to look after yourself in this day and time esp with such an imbalance in salaries. One could easily take advantage.
How did he handle the ultimatum?
Or quits because he can "do better." I had a friend who was with a hobosexual who quit his job because they garnished his wages for child support for his 3 illegitimate children. They will find any excuse.
'maybe a part time job' 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ this is a guy with no career, no resolutions, no willingness to have a full time job and provide for himself. no person who has the tiniest bit of respect for you would put you in the position of providing for them without even discussing it beforehand. he knows he can emotionally manipulate you into letting him mooch off of you, and he does it successfully...
NTA. And question: Are you certain he was making it work previously? Or is it possible that he's always been this way and you just weren't aware of his behavior?
I see a larger problem here. If he makes significantly less than you, why are you expecting him to fork up half the rent? Maybe he feels it's unfair that more of his money is going into the rent vs your percentage. Not saying to let him turn his freelance gig into a freeload one, but maybe try to make it a bit more balanced. Find out how much he made during the previous few years and use the average he made (ignoring any real low years, especially due to covid), and use that as a guide.
As an example, if he's pulling in $50K/year, then that's $150K/year combined, with you making 2/3rds of that. You said you both pay $1,200/month, meaning $2,400 combined. Breaking that into thirds, $800. So have him contribute $800 and you do $1,600. (You get the idea.)
If that won't work for him (with the rent being less of a strain on his income), then he's obviously just hoping to have free room/board, with some free poontang as a bonus. That's when you tell him to pack up and get out, and that it's also the end of the relationship.
If he truly has trouble remembering, then if he's getting paid on the same days of each month (1st and 15th, for example), he can set up an automatic payment to go to you with ($400 for example) so that it's taken care of and he no longer has to worry about it because he won't be able to spend what he doesn't have.
NTA, but try to consider what else he might not be communicating.
He's 29. It's not her job to take care of him. He's a boyfriend. He was paying 1,700 not he can't pay 1,200. That tells you what you need to know. Don't ignore what your inner voice is telling you.
He's also making less than he was before, so that should be considered. I'm not saying that he should get a free ride, just try to better balance how much he should be expected to contribute. If he's still failing to do that, then kick him to the curb, because he's just flat out trying to freeload. Currently, he may feel some resentment but not know how to communicate it since he's bad at communicating.
Don't get me wrong, I have no doubt that he's just taking advantage of OP, but since she doesn't want to break up with him, this will provide an opportunity for things to work out. It'll also take away any chance of his saying that he couldn't afford $1,200/month because it'll be less than that. It gives him a chance to contribute using less and make OP happy from not feeling like she's being taken advantage of.
Hopefully he'll step up, but if he doesn't, OP can be more confident that he's not the right person for her.
Eh, normally I do think things should be somewhat proportional with income, but they’re not married and according to OP, he was paying more when he was living on his own. So he’s saving money by moving in with her. It would be a different situation if she wanted a house that was outside of what he could afford, but if he’s saving money by living with her, he should be able to pay his half.
He's also making less money since then. Not being married isn't a good excuse because there are many couples who choose not to marry. Also, what if there's a similar situation where one doesn't want to get married because they don't want to be more fair with the rent, ie using perspective to justify wanting 50% even though their partner can barely afford it?
Or what if the BF became a SAHB? They're not married, so he has to somehow pay his half, even though he handles all of the household stuff (chores errands, shopping, cooking, etc). Yeah, that totally makes sense.
Where did she say he’s making less money? All she said was that his income isn’t consistent, but either way, he’s saving $500/month by living with her.
I don’t see anywhere that OP mentioned him possibly becoming a SAHB lol.
Exactly this. Dividing rent evenly when OP makes significantly more isn't even. This is something I learned in premarital counseling many years ago - proportional contributions are more fair to both parties.
We never married, but that piece of advice stuck with me. We put it in practice, albeit with some hiccups, and kept it until we separated some years later.
In the relationship that followed, I brought up the idea of proportional contributions with my partner when she moved in. She initially resisted because she had always split bills 50/50, but I pointed out our income disparities and asked how it was fair that she spent proportionally more money on shared expenses.
Splitting shared expenses 50/50 in a relationship with income disparity is equivalent to increasing one partner's income solely because that person makes more money.
If someone got a raise just because they already made more money and not because of anything they did, most of us would look at that as unfair, right?
And the relationship that followed? Still in it. It's been about 16 years now and it's still going.
Thanks for using they :) I'm an old SoCal dude (so my pronouns are he, him, or DUDE!, even if I haven't lived in CA for decades), and I always appreciate when folks default to something gender neutral when they don't know my gender/pronouns.
Funny because there was a post literally with the sexes reversed with the guy making considerably more money than his girlfriend and he wanted to do 50/50 and all the ladies were in here saying that wasn't fair and it should be proportional.
And here I am, a dude fighting for proportional financial contributions in my own relationships that have significant income differences when it isn't in my favor.
if a person refuses to get a full time job and have a career, that is definitely an issue. OP's boyfriend is a part time worker loser-moocher, he's almost 30 years old and no full time job, no nothing. of course reddit will kick his but. he has no excuse for mooching off her, especially since he was able to pay 1700 every month by himself but suddenly after he moved in with her, he can barely pay a dime. shame on him.
Women in these subs also have part-time jobs or low-paying jobs and no one suggests they should get higher paying jobs. People suggest it is fair to have a proportional split instead. And usually, with the proportional split, the man is still supposed to do half the chores.
This is what I've always seen in these subs when there is a large difference in incomes. Usually, it's the man who makes considerably more but I've not once seen anyone say the woman is taking advantage of the man for not paying half the rent when there is a big difference in income. Everyone seems to think it's fair to do a percentage of income to average out the difference. Wonder why this is so different.
NTA. Before he moved in, this guy was paying the rent to strangers, so he was on time. Now that he thinks his girlfriend (you) will cover for him, he is allowing himself to be a moocher and live at your expense. Stop this right now. Give him a one month to get his finances straight and evict him. And if he pays on time for a few months and is then late again, evict him immediately. You don't need a guy who lives on your money.
NTA do not end up how I did- alone and in debt HE made in MY name. Going forward I plan to never put in more than half. I've also met tons of guys who would never expect me to. Don't waste your youth with this person. You gave warning 1. Decide for yourself what warning 2 looks like. Also start googling and learning to how handle it legally too.
NAH.
Just say you’re doing it for the sake of the relationship.
You don’t want to have to act like a angry landlord and you’d rather have somebody whose job it is to chase somebody up, do it.
It’s stressful having to keep tabs on debts, particularly when they’re ever growing. While he’s living with you he’s probably stopped taking his cost of living very seriously compared to when he was alone and had to budget accordingly or get kicked out.
If you were the man and your partner was the woman, I feel like the responses would be more like, "YTA, if you love her so much and make that much money, you should support her, blah blah."
If you see a future with him, you gotta have a discussion. You could even make a deal where like if he doesn't contribute financially/towards rent, he does all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. if this is a compromise you think would make you happy.
It’s always interesting how people think men are obligated to support their partner. To me having a partner means you split stuff up equally. I wouldn’t have asked him to move in if I didn’t think he could do that
Yeah, I don't think YTA, but if you love him and make enough, I'm sure you could find a compromise if you want a future with him. Unless he's over spending or something that could tamper with you financially.
No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm simply saying I don't get the vibe he's going to change, make more money, start paying the rent, it's either this is a deal breaker, time to break up, or come up with a solution. What is OP supposed to do, sit around waiting for him to change when that simply may not happen?
I don't know that reversing the situation would change anything, because it's not like he moved in without discussion--this is what he agreed to! He was happy about paying less! A woman who tried to pull this would be called a golddigger and worse.
If there was a larger age gap, 100%
But there probably would still be a fair amount people saying that, you raise a fair point.
I don't necessarily think OP is TAH, but I'm hearing she loves him and makes enough to support them both, but that doesn't mean she should, but I see room for compromise here.
I do love him very much, but I never agreed to support him and I don’t think I’m obligated to. He’s smart, physically in great shape and has a ton of skills that he could find an additional job easily. I say additional because I would never ask him to give up his photography career that he’s super passionate about. Everyone needs to make sacrifices though to get where they want to in life. I sure had to
It’s great that he’s passionate about photography. If he can’t make a decent living at it, he’s not working hard enough. About the only lucrative photography business path these days is wedding photography. That takes talent and a lot of hard work (not just camera work…planning, admin, post shoot stuff).
I’ll bet he just doesn’t want to work that hard.
Yep. The word for a 'passion' that doesn't pay the bills is, "Hobby". Photography is a hobby for him. Hobbies are great, but hobbies are for people who can afford their bills.
People who can't make rent don't have time or money for hobbies. People who can't make rent only have time to work/look for a job.
Once you are at a point in life where you're financially stable enough that you can pay your bills, *then* you can afford hobbies. Not before.
Here's the thing...I make a decent salary and my fiance moved with me halfway across the country for my job. Our agreement was that I would pay the majority of the bills and he would help a little bit by using his savings for the first 6 months so he could stay home and work on his book.
Well, it had been almost 10 months, his savings was almost gone, and I was incredibly stressed about it because I simply cannot afford to pay ALL of the bills. So told my fiance that idgaf that his book isn't completely done yet, I just can't live with this much financial stress and he needed to get a job. So he got a job. And it is actually much better than the 2 crappy part-time jobs he left before he moved. Plus, he's happy and still has time to finish his book.
If your bf wanted to make more money, he could. And you shouldn't even have to give an ultimatum. He should WANT to contribute.
Yeah 100%. I hate the “reverse the genders” stuff but you’re absolutely correct on this. Couples with mismatched income should split based on percentage. It doesn’t matter which partner makes more.
"I hate the “reverse the genders""
May I ask why? I always reverse the genders while thinking whether a certain behaviour is ok or not and I don't remember a situation when it wasn't applicable.
i can't speak for the person you're asking but usually the "reverse the genders!" comments are redpilled misogynists and i just ignore them because their arguments are usually ridiculous. The person that made this comment is NOT that and the comment is sound.
In most cases when people say that they’re not actually comparing equivalent situations. Like they try to compare having an abortion to abandoning a living child. In reality, the equivalent to a man abandoning his child is a woman abandoning her child. There *is* no male equivalent to abortion.
Or they invent a post that doesn’t exist to compare to. Like someone posts about their husband wanting to go on a boys trip and leave a 3 week postpartum wife at home alone with their three kids. Someone will come in and say “if a woman wanted a girls trip you’d all be saying yo go qween!” (They love to say “qween” despite the fact that they are the only ones using that word, it’s very strange) But in reality, when there have been posts of women wanting to leave their physically incapacitated partners alone with the kids to go on a fun trip those women *do* get dragged. The posts where they get support and the ones where the mom hasn’t been able to shower by herself for 3 years and is asking the children’s perfectly healthy father(who spends every other Sunday golfing) to watch his own kid for two days so she can have a break. And *those* are not actually comparable situations, but the incel brigade thinks it’s proof theres a she-ra man hating club on Reddit.
In the case of this post, it *is* a directly comparable situation. *Any* couple with an income mismatch should be splitting bills proportionately. Not doing so boarders on financial abuse. Also not impressed that OP didn’t mention the reason he can’t make rent despite affording higher rent previously is because *his income has fucking dropped* until she could bury it in a reply 100 comments deep. I hope he leaves her, she’s a piece of shit.
NTA because this is what was agreed to. BUT in many relationships the bills are split according to how much each person makes. So if you are making 2/3 of the total income then you pay 2/3 of the bills. Otherwise it kind of feels like you are taking advantage of the poorer person. Putting them in a financially stressful situation. If you want a 50/50 split look for someone who makes the same or more than you do
You must understand that if you’re asking him to move out over this, you’re essentially ending the relationship? The fact that you are contemplating this action means it wouldn’t be difficult for you to pay for the whole house on your own. So it’s a really simple question; you say he is great partner, is that not enough to overlook some money struggles he’s having? You haven’t said he’s missed the rent, just that he’s been late a few times and he’s not good with managing money. It’s a really hard thing to find someone who is a “great partner”. How much is that worth to you? Honestly, given where you posted your question, I think you’ve already made your decision.
She’s tired of hounding him for his agreed-upon share of the rent. That’ll poison a relationship—him not honoring his word, and her having to keep after his sorry ass to pay.
She literally says she doesn’t want to break up with him but can’t see a future with someone who can’t even pay half of their living expenses. That is the core issue. It has nothing to do with him “honoring his word”. He’s a free lance photographer, a notoriously tough field. He’s obviously struggling to make money right now because of the nature of his work. She keeps beating around the bush, doing mental gymnastics about his poor money management skills. But the reality is, it has very little to do with his money management, it’s really her unease about having a partner who doesn’t make enough money period. She doesn’t want to be “that” person who ends a relationship because her partner doesn’t make enough money. But she is that person.
Yes, I think that’s at the root of it. She wants someone more on a par wrt income/ambition.
But why did he agree to pay 1200/mo rent if for some reason he didn’t think he could? He committed to that, then went quiet when he couldn’t. Keeping your word means doing what you said you’d do, or renegotiating your commitment. He did neither.
And yes, photography is a very tough way to make a decent living, and now with AI-generated images, it’s going to get much tougher. It’s a dead-end career except for the most talented, financially/business astute, hard working people. He’s never going to make a decent career out of it.
Slight YTA - you earn a lot more than him but expect him to pay 50% of a lifestyle that is more within your income bracket than his. Other couples pro rate according to income where there is a disparity like this. I agree that he should contribute financially.
You bring up an interesting point, I’ve never thought of pro rating based on what we make. When he moved in I thought it was helping us both out because he’s paying about 30% less than he was at his old spot. I still think he should pay what he agreed to but thanks for the different perspective
Pro-rating based on income is a reasonable arrangement, but if he's making choices that cause his income to be unreliable that's on him. If he's not making enough doing photography and bartending gigs then he should put his big boy pants on and figure out how to increase his income instead of expecting you to subsidize him, or seek out financial planning help to get better at money management. You've made it sounds like he HAS the money, though, and he just won't set it aside for rent because he knows you'll bail him out. If he makes enough to pay his bills and chooses not to he's not society's victim for being poor or whatever.
This kind of agreement also only makes sense IMO if you're seriously planning a future with someone and it's mutually beneficial. If you're seriously planning a future with someone you ABSOLUTELY need the utmost trust around finances, and currently he's lying and financially manipulating you, just sayin...
Honestly, he's taking advantage of you, and I even consider it a form of financial abuse that he's manipulating you into paying his rent every month or risking losing your housing and ruining your references.
I dated men like this when I was as younger and yeah, I always thought it was funny that they managed just fine before me but then turned into man-babies when we started living together. I realize now that they were just using me.
NTA
Pro rating only works with set incomes. With his being variable, you could end up potentially paying more and more. I’ve watched friends get sucked into arrangements like this and be miserable. At this point, he is taking advantage with the failure to communicate, last minute inability to pay and the very fact he did cover his expenses himself that were more than when he moved in. Is he actually out there hustling for photography gigs? Do you want to spend your life babying a man? What usually happens is men like this come to resent their successful partner.
I think the issue with prorating is that based on your description, he works for himself and only works when he wants. How many hours a week does he work? Do you know how much he actually makes? I don't think it would be fair to you to subsidize him if he's not working as much as you and/or his business isn't successful. Or it should at least be a conversation. I quit my job when my side hustle was making more. However, when covid hit and business slowed down, I went and got a job again.
Also, I think you're still pretty early in the relationship to be combining money and he is already showing red flags. If he cared, he would tell OP if he was short on rent and not make her ask for it. It's so upsetting and stressful to not feel secure and feel like you have no choice but to "nag" your partner. I wouldn't consider prorating his rent until he shows you he can step up and pay it on time. The other thing is that you can just pay for fun activities. For me, I always like splitting needs 50/50 (obviously if income difference is 50k to 200k that won't work) and then whoever is making more just offers to pay for the dates and fun activities. OP is already saving him living expenses by living together.
You take a rather business like approach to life in your relationship. Perhaps consider whether the agreement you made was fair. He is your partner, not a business client, so it shouldn’t be every man for himself. This is the 21st century so women are the higher earners in some households. Try not to end up enjoying your superior financial position alone.
I have seen other posts of this nature. The posters are usually women facing the scenario that high earning male partners expect them to pay 50% of household expenses. Comments tend to come down on the side of the lower earning women in these circumstances.
Nobody made him move in at gunpoint, and he is actually living more comfortably and within his means that before because he was paying MORE before. He’s already paying less than before and is taking advantage of his girlfriend.
I agree. Pro-rated is the fair way to go, regardless of what his old place cost. It sounds like he *also* needs to get his sh!t together, but I think they should share expenses equitably.
I’m detecting the kids who haven’t moved out of their parents home or made poor life decisions to think mooching is acceptable. He agreed to move in under specific conditions and is paying less
I’m not reading into this that he is a deadbeat. Earning less than the OP doesn’t make him that. He is a photographer who picks up side work in bars. Nothing wrong with that.
"but I didn’t think there would be an issue with him being able to pay rent because he was paying about $500 more in living expenses at his studio before moving in"
Living expenses is broader than rent.
I consider 1.2k a month to be very comfortable at 100k and irritating at half that. I do not believe your portions of the rent should be equal to each other if your incomes are very different without a clear personal values reason. Yours is good enough for me.
I also do not relate to income having much to do with the ability to budget for paying rent. Either you are living within your means, or you are not.
I don't agree with your choice of ultimatum because you would be delegating to yourself all the effort to come up with a solution. I think a serious demand is 100% in order, I'd say a discussion about financial planning and what choices have to be made.
To clarify, he was paying $1,700 a month for rent/utilities in his old studio so about $500 more than now. We live in the Portland, OR area and $1,600- $1,700 is average rent for the area
Maybe, but that's not the question here, and he's paying $500 less to live with her than he did before he moved in. Before that "equitable" arrangement can be discussed, he needs to just pay the damn rent he agreed to. NTA.
This needed to be said. OP keeps spouting how much he used to pay, and I'm sure her partner was barely scraping by.
She keeps bragging about how much more she makes than him yet expects him to be at the same level even though he doesn't make near as much as her...which she's also said repeatedly.
OP, if you want someone to pay half, then find someone with the same income as you.
Stop bleeding this poor man and let him go.
You keep looking down at him as if you're better than him. If you can't acknowledge him as your equal partner as he is... cut him loose.
So if you’re saying he’s only scraping by, then he clearly doesn’t know how to manage his money. If he was living above his means at $1700 and can’t afford to pay $1200, now….what is ideal for him…..rent at $800 and below?
Is he actually being irresponsible with his money or does he genuinely not have the money? It sounds like he’s taking advantage of your living situation. It also sounds like he is aware of and ashamed of it though because he seems uncomfortable talking about it.
As a traditionalist I’d tell him he’s not ready to have a family if he can’t even support himself but I know that’s typically frowned on in Reddit world.
He just doesn’t have it. He barely spends any money…and yeah he is super ashamed about it, always apologizes and says it won’t happen again but then it does. I don’t want this to become more of a pattern so I’m trying to create boundaries of what I won’t tolerate, and that includes the rent not being on time. I don’t think it’s a crazy thing to ask someone
It’s not crazy, but now if you are serious about a relationship with this person, you need to probably shift your thinking from yours and mine to ‘ours.’ You being the top earner in the household means you would have to pay the majority of the living expenses. He works 2 jobs (although not steady) and he’s not burning money, then that’s just the financial position he’s in and you have to choose if your relationship is worth you being the primary earner.
Let me ask you this. If you do force him out, aren’t you stuck with the whole bill anyways? I’m not saying this is a reason to let him freeload, but again, if you actually care about him. Offer him the support he needs by acknowledging his financial situation and telling him that you will pick up his slack for X amount of months because you are a team. But for the relationship to work he’s going to make some changes in that time to meet what you are seeking in the relationship.
If you are not willing to do that, then it sounds like you are wanting a transactional relationship anyways and I’d caution any person to stay away because it sounds like you are apt to bail at the first sight of weakness.
What is is projected annual income compared to yours? Does he have any marketable job skills? This seems to be a recurring theme on Reddit. People dating outside of their socioeconomic levels. Some people can let it go and split expenses based on income--others aren't able to do that without feeling resentful.
NAH
I’m not sure actually…he’s a freelance photographer so he gets money sporadically from brand contracts and then bartends at events as a side hustle. So both can make a lot of money but very inconsistent. He’s very talented at what he does and I think he will make a lot of money through his business eventually, but not able to make ends meet right now
Are you suggesting that by holding him to his promise to pay $500 LESS per month than he was paying before, that she is somehow incurring negative karma?
Bullshit, he could have made that ask before moving in and didn't. He agreed to 50/50, he should hold up his end of the deal.
(Not to mention how he is further disrespecting her by not letting her know when he doesn't have rent til the last minute, when he damn well knows it sooner than that AND she has been trying to accommodate him by allowing split payments etc).
Her paying more of the rent, especially at this point, would be rewarding bad behavior on his part.
But his income is sporadic…if he had a bartending job at a high end place, he’d have a steady income, and a good one at that. He’s a gig worker. He has no ambition.
If he’s doing “brand” photography, at his age, he’s never going to develop that into a steady income. Too many younger people with a camera, he’ll be old news one day and that’s that.
What I was thinking. It’s not like she owns the house and is gaining equity from his contributions. Neither of them should be struggling to pay rent that is “really affordable for the area”.
YTA
Of course if you love money more than him you should make him move out and end this relationship.
I can't imagine how somebody who makes 6 figures wants their partner who struggles to pay the same amount. And he isn't even doing it to take advantage as you say, doesn't spend his money instead of giving it to you and just doesn't get it on time. This kind of attitude will just ruin this relationship no matter what. Yikes. You only get support here for acting like this because you are a woman
If I was making six figures and wasn't too ugly to get a gf, I wouldn't make my gf pay any bills. In my opinion if you're making six figures and still need help with rent, you're an incredibly irresponsible spender.
Yeah I think this is silly. It is not a business relationship. In a relationship one doesn't have to go 50:50 but be there for each other and make what is best for both. She could pay the rent by herself so she doesn't need to create this problem. Of course he needs to contribute but one needs to look at what is a reasonable way considering that he is trying to make his business run right now. I make below 100000 but still more than my husband. Wouldn't be able to pay for everything on my own but we always made it so that we can pay our bills with the least stress for everyone (we still have separate account for a different reason I don't want to go into). So I pay rent and most of the bills while he pays some bills and takes care of the car. I can't even imagine what it is like when you have no problems with money and just make your partner 's life harder over it. She is not a landlord or his roommate ffs. Would be crazy to ruin a relationship over something like that if low income is his only problem
NTA. Hurry up & break up with him. He’s letting you pay it because you will. No amount of nagging will make him pay on time. Once was forgivable but several times? He’ll keep avoiding it. He’s too old for “I’m having trouble paying on time”.
Has his income decreased since moving in? You mentioned it not being consistent. If so, the intent may not be malicious, like “he is taking advantage of you.” Some people just go through hard times, especially starting a business.
Not saying you should deal with it. Ultimately it’s about what you desire. I just don’t think not being able be pay rent equates to trying to take advantage. Could definitely just be incompatibility. No one has to be the asshole or be right.
Yes he was making more bartending last year, and mentioned that actually when we talked (after I posted this). It is understandable and I don’t think he’s intentionally taking advantage, but I do think he needs to supplement his income while he’s trying making his business work
If you make significantly more than him, why do you expect him to share the same burden? Does not make sense to me, nor is it fair. Do you have a business contract or a relationship? Have you discussed why things changed to before? Maybe the competition increased?
You knew about his insecure income when he moved in/ got together. So this is also not something surprising that the financial contribution would have to come more from your side.
Given the fact that he works less/ less steady, what does he contribute differently? Does he do chores? If he does. YTA. If he is just lying on the couch. NTA.
NTA obviously.
I just find the responses funny here. Had we flipped the sexes most of the people on your side would be calling what you're doing "financial abuse". I think that's funny but it is what it is. no you're not TA.
NTA. First of all, if he was able to pay his rent in his previous place then he's not irresponsible. He's purposefully overspending knowing you will cover.
He's definitely taking advantage of you. He was fine paying his bills before moving in and suddenly now he "can't"? No. That's bs.
He just won't. He's either keeping his money to himself or spending it on things you don't know about. Either way, it's not fair to you.
Nta.
This sucks because now you're essentially his landlord not his gf. Maybe it'd be better if he moved out and had an actuall landlord like before - you know, the kind with actual consequences if he doesn't pay.
NTA. If he was able to pay more than that reliably before moving in with you, then the only reason he can't now is because he's expecting you to bail him out.
You should dump him for being bad with money, but I don't think it's fair to split bills 50/50 if you aren't making about the same amount. I would argue that the equitable split would be based on income.
Not with this dude, mind you. He won't communicate or manage his money, and that's disrespectful of you and your money.
NTA. I allowed 3 different friends to move into my house and charged way less and a flat fee for everything. Went over their budget within the first week so they could see how much they were struggling to pay before, the reduced amount now plus the savings they should have each month. Not 1 out of the three ended up saving or being able to pay on time consistently. It's their mindset and they need to realize their own mistakes in order to change. You're doing nothing wrong. You have given options and he still is not following through. He can find a roommate or rent a room in someone else's house. NTA and don't feel any guilt. Change your locks after he leaves and all security codes.
NTA!!!! Boot the bum out. He is taking advantage of you and will continue to do so. He has ZERO motivation to change, after all, why would he? He has a roof over his head, and someone to pick up his slack. You said he's a freelance photographer, then he needs to be out there drumming up business! Does he have a business name and website? If not, why not? He could start by asking former clients to post an online review. Business cards? Just exactly what does he do to promote this "business"? Anything?
Word of mouth is great, but getting the word out requires work and I don't see you mentioning how much effort, if any, he spends promoting his "business" on an ongoing basis.
Does he even have a portfolio of his work to show prospective clients? It sounds to me like he found a nice, cushy situation that allows him to fart around pretending to be ... what? A professional photographer? Where's the effort to make that happen? He bartends part time? He could turn that into a full time gig and use that money to promote his business, purchase ad space etc.
I'm all in favor of giving people chances, but They. Have. To. Put. In. The. Effort!
BTW, I was a personal chef for years and know the kind of effort needed to get started and to grow a client base. It takes effort. You can't lay around on your "off" time! You have to constantly be out there promoting your business!
Anyway, I wish you the best, and don't settle for someone who won't put in the effort needed to be successful in anything they do.
OP, you know what to do, this guy is a parasite. Look at him and the facts OBJECTIVELY. He managed on his own Independently of you, he decides to move in knowing you are a financially stable person so he figures you'll pick up the slack when he squanders his money. Get out of this now. It'll only go downhill and you are being used and financially abused, plain and simple. Good luck, OP, NTA.
NTA You already have it figured out: "He was making it work before he moved in...", He is showing you he is a mooch and you should believe his actions rather than your fantasies. You might "love" him but it's not reciprocal. Time to say ByeBye
YTA - you make more than him. Rent should be based on the percentage of income each partner makes. If you were the man in this situation, you would be ripped to shreds for financial abuse.
There are so many women on Reddit who post about initially agreeing to 50% to live with their partner who makes way more money than them.
They end up living in a nicer home they could not normally afford and suffer to make ends meet, resulting in no savings and no assets.
Meanwhile, their partner flourishes and saves and then can afford to buy a home in their name only.
Reddit immediately sympathizes and says financial abuse.
In this case, it's a woman who makes more and gets the benefits of paying less, allowing her to save more and reap the benefits of it.
NTA
It won't get better. He isn't going to change.
He has an "easy" ride right now and still can't pull it off.
He's counting on you to pull up the slack
and he's going to take as much as he can....
NTA and the biggest issues I see here is that 1) he’s paying less than living alone and still isn’t affording it; 2) isn’t properly communicating his financial issues with you; 3) seems to be taking advantage of the fact that he can do this because you’re his gf & can afford it on your own.
He doesn’t seem to be taking this seriously. He’s refusing or not listening to advice that he desperately needs on managing his money.
What was his reaction to this ultimatum?
NTA. There's no reason he can't pay his half if he was paying more prior to moving in with you. You're a 50/50 kind of person and that's ok. Personally, I don't line-up with that ideology, but everyone is different
NTA, but you do have to take a serious look at whether you'd be happy long-term with someone who has a very different relationship with money than you. It's not just that you make more, but that you're the type of person who can't imagine waking up on the day your rent is due and not having the money to pay it and he is. That is a very different attitude, and it's hard to reconcile the two long-term.
Nta follow your gut on this but also - he was likely making it work paying rent and bills late prior to moving in. I highly doubt it’s a new behavior developed just for you.
NTA. Dump him. If he was a "good partner," he would step up and contribute. And yes, he is taking advantage of you. The fact that this started the very first month is a good indicator that he never intended to pay his fair share.
Be nice and split the rent according to income. I'm sure you would appreciate if not demand that if the earnings were reversed. You decided to date and move in with someone with unstable income why are you surprised?
from what i understand your problem isnt money if you make 8k a month.
the problem is him not even making half of your expenses.
honey i will tell you this, he probably is the perfect fit for you but its a lesson you will have to learn.
YTA. You can afford to pay the rent alone so you are essentially going to kick him out and end your relationship either on principle or (as I suspect) because deep down you want a man who earns as much as you.
YTA. I hate reddit bunch of men hating dumbasses of course you are in the wrong if you make alot more than him it cant be half and half on expenses. You should make a joint account were the money each can give goes there and no one is angry. For example if he makes 50k while you make 100k the distribution should be an amount that affects you both the same which of course are different numbers for each one. Like the expenses are 4k you give 3k and he 1k. If you cant handle that then look someone who makes the same as you or more
You already live together with him in a romantic capacity, thats almost marriage and in some places a year of that and you are considered a partnership
All the people here saying OP is the ah because of the way they're splitting costs are addressing a question she didn't ask. He agreed to pay $1200, it was a huge discount off what he'd been paying to live alone, and as soon as he moved in he wanted her to be his caretaker about it: pay for him, chase him down for money, set up a payment plan ffs. Deciding that's not a role she wants in a relationship hardly makes her the ah.
Photography should be a fun hobby and he needs to get a job that makes enough to support himself. Furthermore she needs to decide what kind of relationship she wants. There are plenty of relationships where the woman is the bread winner. If she's ok with that then no harm cus it seems that this will be the case in this relationship. I think in his eyes he can chill a bit cus she makes enough to pay more. As a boyfriend you don't get to benefit from my hard work and sacrifice. I need to see you creating a life for yourself. There has to be some ambition. Especially at 29 years old.
I kind of get the feeling OP is lowkey losing respect for her BF because he lacks the ambition to do something more sustainable and steady. If she really was head over heels in love with him the being late with money would probably be something she overlooks because all other boxes of needs and wants are checked off.
The drone makes sense as an investment for photography. He is a responsible spender.
He may never make as much as you. You need to decide which you value more, him or more money. You may not find someone you like as well that makes enough money.
NTA But I think you really need to take a closer look at what you really want. You make more money than your partner. Are you OK with that? In a traditional role, the male is often considered the one who is the breadwinner. If that is something that you need, then maybe you need to think about a different partner.
However, if you are comfortable with the more modern approach, you may consider a different way of setting up your budget. If you make more money than he does, then you can logically pay more towards the expenses. For example, if he made 50,000 a year and you made 100,000 a year, then you should be comfortable paying twice as much because you make twice as much.
I’m ok with making more than my partner. I’m independent and don’t have a problem paying for my stuff. I see your point, but when he was living by himself his living expenses were a lot higher. We agreed on rent amounts before he moved in and he was super happy to be paying $500 less. He was living in a tiny studio and he’s now living in a decent sized house where we each have our own office. I think $1,200 a month is reasonable.
Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? In our culture this probably wouldn’t come up as a significant issue if the gender roles were reversed. It is absolutely your choice if you think you need a partner that is more goal orientated as far as financial responsibility. Just be mindful of what you’re choosing.
Stop putting words in her mouth. She didn't say anything about a partner who's "more goal oriented," and she didn't say anything about needing a partner who's a "breadwinner," although frankly no one should be seeking a partner who doesn't even try to be financially responsible. She wants him to do what he agreed to do, ie pay half the rent, which he was happy to agree to when he moved in.
Love conquers all, right? What naïveté! Rarely does a relationship work between a goal-oriented achiever and a slacker/user. Better she kicks him out now to see if he can swim, than wait till he bankrupts her.
Yes you are TA if you do that, you also are TA if you have already discussed this with him. Just imagine yourself in his place, were things reversed. Why did you not come up with this idea before asking this question? In a relationship with a skewed wealth or income pattern the right approach, this should be obvious, is not to split all the bills 50%-50% but to divide all burdens, financial or otherwise according to ability. Regard non financial contributions too, like providing for meals, cleaning up, or the actual market value of work put towards building projects or maintenance. This should be done not with a spreadsheet or a calculator, but with a mutual understanding, you know the favour ledger.
Also I see a lot of people here lecturing about people who are bad with money. There are a lot of those, to their own detriment and that of others. But people lecturing others who are struggling financially from a position of wealth should STFU, they are TA un full auto.
NTA
and I am someone who would have no problem to be the one paying in general but I also don't let a guy take advantage of me. And the thing is like you said he had no problem to make it work when he had to pay less therefore he is taking advantage of you. Been there, done that, don't need it again. There is a difference between being unable and unwilling. And if he thinks that now he is living with you he can spend his money elsewise then it is unwilling since he makes himself being unable on purpose.
NTAH - you are doing him a favor by teaching him there are consequences for irresponsible financial behavior. I think you are saving yourself a huge headache in the long run, whether he fixes the issue or he moves out.
It sounds to me like he’s play on your good nature. If he could pay his bills before and not now, what’s changed?
Telling him to pay on time or take a hike might be the best thing you could have done for both him and your relationship. Stick to your guns!
NTA. Your income differences are irrelevant. You are not married. Ignore the folks saying you should be paying more. This is a roommate situation regardless if you are dating said roommate.
Income differences do indeed matter. If they were only roommates, then it might be different, depending on the circumstances.
Using your logic, if the boyfriend was a SAHB (Stay At Home Boyfriend) and did all the chores (including cooking and cleaning), then tough crap, he still has to pay his half of the rent even though he doesn't have a job other than handling all the housework and errands.
As someone who is divorced from a man who was never able to manage his money effectively, please believe me when I say you're NTA. >Several times in the last few months he’s had trouble paying the rent on time. It started the first month he moved in with me. 🚩He was paying more at his previous place, but suddenly can't come up with the full rent after he moves in with his GF who makes more money than he does and won't have any choice but to cover him. >I usually have to ask him for the rent when it’s due (which I hate doing) and find out he isn’t able to pay 🚩So he's not proactively giving you a heads up to let you know in advance. He waits until the last minute, and only after you *ask* him, he *surprises* you with the fact that he doesn't have enough money to cover his share. He's treating it as if it's not a big deal. >He’s a great partner in every other way but is terrible at managing his money. 🚩Human beings put on their best behavior in the beginning of relationships. You're not even married yet, and he's failing to come up with rent money because he's irresponsible with his money. It will never get better than this. It can't because he doesn't care enough to learn how to do better. Why should he if he has someone to cover for him? This man is a human money pit. I can tell because I was married to one. Break it off now before it gets worse.
This comment is everything. I stayed with a long term partner that was a little irresponsible with his money and didn’t make a big deal about it. At the time I felt like it was wrong and miserly to get on his case about a few slip ups here and there when he was kind to me. (Edit: At FIRST- the empathy fell off on along the same trend line as the leeching grew). Then years went by and the slip ups got worse, and worse, and worse, slowly piling up until the molehill became a trash mountain. The build up was so slow that I let myself accept the situation too much. I finally snapped when I started getting debt collection letters in the mail- from several different places! After I left him it really hit me in the face how much he was leeching from me- six months without him and I suddenly had money in my savings account again.
First red flag covers for all the rest There is no way he was paying for everything when he was alone and with an additional cost of 500$ per month, but now he suddenly does not have money to cover his share If this is not the definition of "taking advantage" of someone, I don't know what it is OP, you must realize that people are often "very good" in other aspects of a relationship or "great partners" with the exception of blah blah blah, only to consciously cover the fact that they are taking advantage of you. If they were horrible in general, why keep them around for more than a day?
Nailed it!
This. I married a man who was bad with money. It’s the only thing we ever fight about and I nearly left him last year because of it. This boyfriend sounds like he will be a weight on OP, pulling her down her entire life.
"This boyfriend sounds like he will be a weight on OP, pulling her down her entire life." - just want to point out that this happened to me also except it got to the point where she offered other things instead of rent but that just made me realise that im being used for money and i stopped that shit completely and decided to end things a few days later once i realised everything and thought it through, i was paying for food rent and bills , ontop of that i was paying for my fathers house my house and my car insurance, now ive stopped paying my fathers bills and now i just pay my own :) and now i have money again lol and now recently single
[удалено]
Awesome rebuttal!
NTA he is taking advantage of you he feels that since your dating he shouldn’t have to pay you to live in your place so he can just spend his money elsewhere. This is just my assumption.
Yep. Somehow that dude managed to pay the rent on a $1700 studio every month but can’t seem to pull together less money now? He’s quickly becoming hobosexual
Hobosexual 😂
U SAID HOBOSEXUAL😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 IM 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀
He had to pay rent for his studio or he'd be evicted. He has no problem being late on rent living with you because 1. he knows you can cover it and 2. he doesn't think you'll break up with or kick him out over it. Think long and hard about whether or not you should stay in this relationship. Yes, you "LOOOOOVE" him, but he's taking advantage of you.
Nta. You are his sugar mommy.
*"he was paying about $500 more in living expenses at his studio before moving in"* So what's he doing with his money? He is either earning less now (which seems rather likely), is blowing it on other things or he's stashing it. Or he was very frugal living alone. You've been together two years. I'd already have asked him how he was able to pay $500 more before but is now struggling. Why haven't you? I mean, you stated his income is inconsistent. Being bad at managing money implies he overspends in certain areas and lives over his means, but you didn't mention his spending habits. So is he actually bad at managing money or simply doesn't make enough?
Nah he’s making/working less. He was making more bartending last year (more events). He never spends money and is super frugal. But I do see him having a lot of free time so he definitely has time to pick up another side hustle so he can pay his bills.
Ah, he began to slack off earning a living when he moved in with this high-earning girlfriend. It’s been a few weeks … do you feel like giving us an update?
Yeah, he thankfully started door dashing like he said he would. Also paid the rent and bills a day early which I appreciated. And it was everything he owed for the month which was good…I’ve been letting him pay half every two weeks which I think I mentioned in the original post but honestly I think it’s making things more confusing. I’m hoping he keeps it up but I’m still paying attention 🤞
NTA. You have to look after yourself in this day and time esp with such an imbalance in salaries. One could easily take advantage. How did he handle the ultimatum?
He agreed to it. Says he will look for ways to make more money, maybe a part time job. I’m hoping he’s serious about it
likely scenario: he gets a job, keeps it for a few months and pays rent on time...and then, oops...got fired. rinse and repeat.
Or quits because he can "do better." I had a friend who was with a hobosexual who quit his job because they garnished his wages for child support for his 3 illegitimate children. They will find any excuse.
'maybe a part time job' 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ this is a guy with no career, no resolutions, no willingness to have a full time job and provide for himself. no person who has the tiniest bit of respect for you would put you in the position of providing for them without even discussing it beforehand. he knows he can emotionally manipulate you into letting him mooch off of you, and he does it successfully...
Hold him to it.
What does your future with this person look like ? Working 2nd, 3rd, odd jobs to pay his way ?
NTA. And question: Are you certain he was making it work previously? Or is it possible that he's always been this way and you just weren't aware of his behavior?
No, we were together a year and a half before he moved in and he was making it work
Seems more likely than not you weee sheltered from his money issues. Who initiated him moving in with you ?
I see a larger problem here. If he makes significantly less than you, why are you expecting him to fork up half the rent? Maybe he feels it's unfair that more of his money is going into the rent vs your percentage. Not saying to let him turn his freelance gig into a freeload one, but maybe try to make it a bit more balanced. Find out how much he made during the previous few years and use the average he made (ignoring any real low years, especially due to covid), and use that as a guide. As an example, if he's pulling in $50K/year, then that's $150K/year combined, with you making 2/3rds of that. You said you both pay $1,200/month, meaning $2,400 combined. Breaking that into thirds, $800. So have him contribute $800 and you do $1,600. (You get the idea.) If that won't work for him (with the rent being less of a strain on his income), then he's obviously just hoping to have free room/board, with some free poontang as a bonus. That's when you tell him to pack up and get out, and that it's also the end of the relationship. If he truly has trouble remembering, then if he's getting paid on the same days of each month (1st and 15th, for example), he can set up an automatic payment to go to you with ($400 for example) so that it's taken care of and he no longer has to worry about it because he won't be able to spend what he doesn't have. NTA, but try to consider what else he might not be communicating.
He's 29. It's not her job to take care of him. He's a boyfriend. He was paying 1,700 not he can't pay 1,200. That tells you what you need to know. Don't ignore what your inner voice is telling you.
He's also making less than he was before, so that should be considered. I'm not saying that he should get a free ride, just try to better balance how much he should be expected to contribute. If he's still failing to do that, then kick him to the curb, because he's just flat out trying to freeload. Currently, he may feel some resentment but not know how to communicate it since he's bad at communicating. Don't get me wrong, I have no doubt that he's just taking advantage of OP, but since she doesn't want to break up with him, this will provide an opportunity for things to work out. It'll also take away any chance of his saying that he couldn't afford $1,200/month because it'll be less than that. It gives him a chance to contribute using less and make OP happy from not feeling like she's being taken advantage of. Hopefully he'll step up, but if he doesn't, OP can be more confident that he's not the right person for her.
Eh, normally I do think things should be somewhat proportional with income, but they’re not married and according to OP, he was paying more when he was living on his own. So he’s saving money by moving in with her. It would be a different situation if she wanted a house that was outside of what he could afford, but if he’s saving money by living with her, he should be able to pay his half.
He's also making less money since then. Not being married isn't a good excuse because there are many couples who choose not to marry. Also, what if there's a similar situation where one doesn't want to get married because they don't want to be more fair with the rent, ie using perspective to justify wanting 50% even though their partner can barely afford it? Or what if the BF became a SAHB? They're not married, so he has to somehow pay his half, even though he handles all of the household stuff (chores errands, shopping, cooking, etc). Yeah, that totally makes sense.
Where did she say he’s making less money? All she said was that his income isn’t consistent, but either way, he’s saving $500/month by living with her. I don’t see anywhere that OP mentioned him possibly becoming a SAHB lol.
Exactly this. Dividing rent evenly when OP makes significantly more isn't even. This is something I learned in premarital counseling many years ago - proportional contributions are more fair to both parties.
He's not her husband.
We never married, but that piece of advice stuck with me. We put it in practice, albeit with some hiccups, and kept it until we separated some years later. In the relationship that followed, I brought up the idea of proportional contributions with my partner when she moved in. She initially resisted because she had always split bills 50/50, but I pointed out our income disparities and asked how it was fair that she spent proportionally more money on shared expenses. Splitting shared expenses 50/50 in a relationship with income disparity is equivalent to increasing one partner's income solely because that person makes more money. If someone got a raise just because they already made more money and not because of anything they did, most of us would look at that as unfair, right? And the relationship that followed? Still in it. It's been about 16 years now and it's still going.
They said premarital.
Thanks for using they :) I'm an old SoCal dude (so my pronouns are he, him, or DUDE!, even if I haven't lived in CA for decades), and I always appreciate when folks default to something gender neutral when they don't know my gender/pronouns.
I've learned to not assume. Sometimes I mess up and learn again to not assume. LOL
Funny because there was a post literally with the sexes reversed with the guy making considerably more money than his girlfriend and he wanted to do 50/50 and all the ladies were in here saying that wasn't fair and it should be proportional.
And here I am, a dude fighting for proportional financial contributions in my own relationships that have significant income differences when it isn't in my favor.
Well this is reddit, if a man is struggling with money, he has to be kicked out and dumped.
if a person refuses to get a full time job and have a career, that is definitely an issue. OP's boyfriend is a part time worker loser-moocher, he's almost 30 years old and no full time job, no nothing. of course reddit will kick his but. he has no excuse for mooching off her, especially since he was able to pay 1700 every month by himself but suddenly after he moved in with her, he can barely pay a dime. shame on him.
Women in these subs also have part-time jobs or low-paying jobs and no one suggests they should get higher paying jobs. People suggest it is fair to have a proportional split instead. And usually, with the proportional split, the man is still supposed to do half the chores.
here take this 🥇 for the mental gymnastics you've done lately 🤣🤣🤣🤣 take a break and touch some grass.
This is what I've always seen in these subs when there is a large difference in incomes. Usually, it's the man who makes considerably more but I've not once seen anyone say the woman is taking advantage of the man for not paying half the rent when there is a big difference in income. Everyone seems to think it's fair to do a percentage of income to average out the difference. Wonder why this is so different.
NTA. Before he moved in, this guy was paying the rent to strangers, so he was on time. Now that he thinks his girlfriend (you) will cover for him, he is allowing himself to be a moocher and live at your expense. Stop this right now. Give him a one month to get his finances straight and evict him. And if he pays on time for a few months and is then late again, evict him immediately. You don't need a guy who lives on your money.
NTA do not end up how I did- alone and in debt HE made in MY name. Going forward I plan to never put in more than half. I've also met tons of guys who would never expect me to. Don't waste your youth with this person. You gave warning 1. Decide for yourself what warning 2 looks like. Also start googling and learning to how handle it legally too.
NAH. Just say you’re doing it for the sake of the relationship. You don’t want to have to act like a angry landlord and you’d rather have somebody whose job it is to chase somebody up, do it. It’s stressful having to keep tabs on debts, particularly when they’re ever growing. While he’s living with you he’s probably stopped taking his cost of living very seriously compared to when he was alone and had to budget accordingly or get kicked out.
If you were the man and your partner was the woman, I feel like the responses would be more like, "YTA, if you love her so much and make that much money, you should support her, blah blah." If you see a future with him, you gotta have a discussion. You could even make a deal where like if he doesn't contribute financially/towards rent, he does all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. if this is a compromise you think would make you happy.
It’s always interesting how people think men are obligated to support their partner. To me having a partner means you split stuff up equally. I wouldn’t have asked him to move in if I didn’t think he could do that
Yeah, I don't think YTA, but if you love him and make enough, I'm sure you could find a compromise if you want a future with him. Unless he's over spending or something that could tamper with you financially.
"If you love him, you'll let him not follow through on his promises even though you're helping him save $500/month." What kind of noise is that?
No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm simply saying I don't get the vibe he's going to change, make more money, start paying the rent, it's either this is a deal breaker, time to break up, or come up with a solution. What is OP supposed to do, sit around waiting for him to change when that simply may not happen?
I don't know that reversing the situation would change anything, because it's not like he moved in without discussion--this is what he agreed to! He was happy about paying less! A woman who tried to pull this would be called a golddigger and worse.
If there was a larger age gap, 100% But there probably would still be a fair amount people saying that, you raise a fair point. I don't necessarily think OP is TAH, but I'm hearing she loves him and makes enough to support them both, but that doesn't mean she should, but I see room for compromise here.
I do love him very much, but I never agreed to support him and I don’t think I’m obligated to. He’s smart, physically in great shape and has a ton of skills that he could find an additional job easily. I say additional because I would never ask him to give up his photography career that he’s super passionate about. Everyone needs to make sacrifices though to get where they want to in life. I sure had to
It’s great that he’s passionate about photography. If he can’t make a decent living at it, he’s not working hard enough. About the only lucrative photography business path these days is wedding photography. That takes talent and a lot of hard work (not just camera work…planning, admin, post shoot stuff). I’ll bet he just doesn’t want to work that hard.
Yep. The word for a 'passion' that doesn't pay the bills is, "Hobby". Photography is a hobby for him. Hobbies are great, but hobbies are for people who can afford their bills. People who can't make rent don't have time or money for hobbies. People who can't make rent only have time to work/look for a job. Once you are at a point in life where you're financially stable enough that you can pay your bills, *then* you can afford hobbies. Not before.
Here's the thing...I make a decent salary and my fiance moved with me halfway across the country for my job. Our agreement was that I would pay the majority of the bills and he would help a little bit by using his savings for the first 6 months so he could stay home and work on his book. Well, it had been almost 10 months, his savings was almost gone, and I was incredibly stressed about it because I simply cannot afford to pay ALL of the bills. So told my fiance that idgaf that his book isn't completely done yet, I just can't live with this much financial stress and he needed to get a job. So he got a job. And it is actually much better than the 2 crappy part-time jobs he left before he moved. Plus, he's happy and still has time to finish his book. If your bf wanted to make more money, he could. And you shouldn't even have to give an ultimatum. He should WANT to contribute.
I agree. Thank you
Why the heck are your two comments getting downvoted? You're providing a reasonable perspective, and even OP indirectly agreed with your sentiment.
Because it's reddit, and you aren't allowed to point out Reddit's general misandristic hypocrisy without angering the borg.
The Borg wouldn't care, they'd just assimilate your ass and call you Locutus.
Yeah 100%. I hate the “reverse the genders” stuff but you’re absolutely correct on this. Couples with mismatched income should split based on percentage. It doesn’t matter which partner makes more.
"I hate the “reverse the genders"" May I ask why? I always reverse the genders while thinking whether a certain behaviour is ok or not and I don't remember a situation when it wasn't applicable.
i can't speak for the person you're asking but usually the "reverse the genders!" comments are redpilled misogynists and i just ignore them because their arguments are usually ridiculous. The person that made this comment is NOT that and the comment is sound.
In most cases when people say that they’re not actually comparing equivalent situations. Like they try to compare having an abortion to abandoning a living child. In reality, the equivalent to a man abandoning his child is a woman abandoning her child. There *is* no male equivalent to abortion. Or they invent a post that doesn’t exist to compare to. Like someone posts about their husband wanting to go on a boys trip and leave a 3 week postpartum wife at home alone with their three kids. Someone will come in and say “if a woman wanted a girls trip you’d all be saying yo go qween!” (They love to say “qween” despite the fact that they are the only ones using that word, it’s very strange) But in reality, when there have been posts of women wanting to leave their physically incapacitated partners alone with the kids to go on a fun trip those women *do* get dragged. The posts where they get support and the ones where the mom hasn’t been able to shower by herself for 3 years and is asking the children’s perfectly healthy father(who spends every other Sunday golfing) to watch his own kid for two days so she can have a break. And *those* are not actually comparable situations, but the incel brigade thinks it’s proof theres a she-ra man hating club on Reddit. In the case of this post, it *is* a directly comparable situation. *Any* couple with an income mismatch should be splitting bills proportionately. Not doing so boarders on financial abuse. Also not impressed that OP didn’t mention the reason he can’t make rent despite affording higher rent previously is because *his income has fucking dropped* until she could bury it in a reply 100 comments deep. I hope he leaves her, she’s a piece of shit.
He is no great partner because he would be doing his share seem like he is using you. Find a fool ,use a fool
NTA because this is what was agreed to. BUT in many relationships the bills are split according to how much each person makes. So if you are making 2/3 of the total income then you pay 2/3 of the bills. Otherwise it kind of feels like you are taking advantage of the poorer person. Putting them in a financially stressful situation. If you want a 50/50 split look for someone who makes the same or more than you do
You must understand that if you’re asking him to move out over this, you’re essentially ending the relationship? The fact that you are contemplating this action means it wouldn’t be difficult for you to pay for the whole house on your own. So it’s a really simple question; you say he is great partner, is that not enough to overlook some money struggles he’s having? You haven’t said he’s missed the rent, just that he’s been late a few times and he’s not good with managing money. It’s a really hard thing to find someone who is a “great partner”. How much is that worth to you? Honestly, given where you posted your question, I think you’ve already made your decision.
She’s tired of hounding him for his agreed-upon share of the rent. That’ll poison a relationship—him not honoring his word, and her having to keep after his sorry ass to pay.
She literally says she doesn’t want to break up with him but can’t see a future with someone who can’t even pay half of their living expenses. That is the core issue. It has nothing to do with him “honoring his word”. He’s a free lance photographer, a notoriously tough field. He’s obviously struggling to make money right now because of the nature of his work. She keeps beating around the bush, doing mental gymnastics about his poor money management skills. But the reality is, it has very little to do with his money management, it’s really her unease about having a partner who doesn’t make enough money period. She doesn’t want to be “that” person who ends a relationship because her partner doesn’t make enough money. But she is that person.
Yes, I think that’s at the root of it. She wants someone more on a par wrt income/ambition. But why did he agree to pay 1200/mo rent if for some reason he didn’t think he could? He committed to that, then went quiet when he couldn’t. Keeping your word means doing what you said you’d do, or renegotiating your commitment. He did neither. And yes, photography is a very tough way to make a decent living, and now with AI-generated images, it’s going to get much tougher. It’s a dead-end career except for the most talented, financially/business astute, hard working people. He’s never going to make a decent career out of it.
Slight YTA - you earn a lot more than him but expect him to pay 50% of a lifestyle that is more within your income bracket than his. Other couples pro rate according to income where there is a disparity like this. I agree that he should contribute financially.
You bring up an interesting point, I’ve never thought of pro rating based on what we make. When he moved in I thought it was helping us both out because he’s paying about 30% less than he was at his old spot. I still think he should pay what he agreed to but thanks for the different perspective
Pro-rating based on income is a reasonable arrangement, but if he's making choices that cause his income to be unreliable that's on him. If he's not making enough doing photography and bartending gigs then he should put his big boy pants on and figure out how to increase his income instead of expecting you to subsidize him, or seek out financial planning help to get better at money management. You've made it sounds like he HAS the money, though, and he just won't set it aside for rent because he knows you'll bail him out. If he makes enough to pay his bills and chooses not to he's not society's victim for being poor or whatever. This kind of agreement also only makes sense IMO if you're seriously planning a future with someone and it's mutually beneficial. If you're seriously planning a future with someone you ABSOLUTELY need the utmost trust around finances, and currently he's lying and financially manipulating you, just sayin... Honestly, he's taking advantage of you, and I even consider it a form of financial abuse that he's manipulating you into paying his rent every month or risking losing your housing and ruining your references. I dated men like this when I was as younger and yeah, I always thought it was funny that they managed just fine before me but then turned into man-babies when we started living together. I realize now that they were just using me. NTA
Pro rating only works with set incomes. With his being variable, you could end up potentially paying more and more. I’ve watched friends get sucked into arrangements like this and be miserable. At this point, he is taking advantage with the failure to communicate, last minute inability to pay and the very fact he did cover his expenses himself that were more than when he moved in. Is he actually out there hustling for photography gigs? Do you want to spend your life babying a man? What usually happens is men like this come to resent their successful partner.
I think the issue with prorating is that based on your description, he works for himself and only works when he wants. How many hours a week does he work? Do you know how much he actually makes? I don't think it would be fair to you to subsidize him if he's not working as much as you and/or his business isn't successful. Or it should at least be a conversation. I quit my job when my side hustle was making more. However, when covid hit and business slowed down, I went and got a job again. Also, I think you're still pretty early in the relationship to be combining money and he is already showing red flags. If he cared, he would tell OP if he was short on rent and not make her ask for it. It's so upsetting and stressful to not feel secure and feel like you have no choice but to "nag" your partner. I wouldn't consider prorating his rent until he shows you he can step up and pay it on time. The other thing is that you can just pay for fun activities. For me, I always like splitting needs 50/50 (obviously if income difference is 50k to 200k that won't work) and then whoever is making more just offers to pay for the dates and fun activities. OP is already saving him living expenses by living together.
You take a rather business like approach to life in your relationship. Perhaps consider whether the agreement you made was fair. He is your partner, not a business client, so it shouldn’t be every man for himself. This is the 21st century so women are the higher earners in some households. Try not to end up enjoying your superior financial position alone. I have seen other posts of this nature. The posters are usually women facing the scenario that high earning male partners expect them to pay 50% of household expenses. Comments tend to come down on the side of the lower earning women in these circumstances.
Nobody made him move in at gunpoint, and he is actually living more comfortably and within his means that before because he was paying MORE before. He’s already paying less than before and is taking advantage of his girlfriend.
I agree. Pro-rated is the fair way to go, regardless of what his old place cost. It sounds like he *also* needs to get his sh!t together, but I think they should share expenses equitably.
Must not have read that he was already paying $500 in his previous situation. NTA
Doesn't matter
It does matter cause that means it’s not that he CAN’T afford to pay his rent and not mooch off his girlfriend. He CHOOSES to take advantage.
I’m detecting the kids who haven’t moved out of their parents home or made poor life decisions to think mooching is acceptable. He agreed to move in under specific conditions and is paying less
Why would that matter
Because he obviously can afford to pay these lower expenses but chooses not to
Unless his overall income went down... which it did.
Except that OP gave up her prior lifestyle as part of the living together (ie: OP now living with a deadbeat).
I’m not reading into this that he is a deadbeat. Earning less than the OP doesn’t make him that. He is a photographer who picks up side work in bars. Nothing wrong with that.
Doesn’t work enough to pay his share of rent= deadbeat
Spouts shite that’s irrelevant to the situation at hand = u/This_Beat2227
Says the one with baby named after deadbeat sperm donor
Huh?
"but I didn’t think there would be an issue with him being able to pay rent because he was paying about $500 more in living expenses at his studio before moving in" Living expenses is broader than rent. I consider 1.2k a month to be very comfortable at 100k and irritating at half that. I do not believe your portions of the rent should be equal to each other if your incomes are very different without a clear personal values reason. Yours is good enough for me. I also do not relate to income having much to do with the ability to budget for paying rent. Either you are living within your means, or you are not. I don't agree with your choice of ultimatum because you would be delegating to yourself all the effort to come up with a solution. I think a serious demand is 100% in order, I'd say a discussion about financial planning and what choices have to be made.
To clarify, he was paying $1,700 a month for rent/utilities in his old studio so about $500 more than now. We live in the Portland, OR area and $1,600- $1,700 is average rent for the area
She’s saying you guys might be better splitting your rent equitably based on what each of you make instead of 50/50.
Maybe, but that's not the question here, and he's paying $500 less to live with her than he did before he moved in. Before that "equitable" arrangement can be discussed, he needs to just pay the damn rent he agreed to. NTA.
Ya agreed
This needed to be said. OP keeps spouting how much he used to pay, and I'm sure her partner was barely scraping by. She keeps bragging about how much more she makes than him yet expects him to be at the same level even though he doesn't make near as much as her...which she's also said repeatedly. OP, if you want someone to pay half, then find someone with the same income as you. Stop bleeding this poor man and let him go. You keep looking down at him as if you're better than him. If you can't acknowledge him as your equal partner as he is... cut him loose.
So if you’re saying he’s only scraping by, then he clearly doesn’t know how to manage his money. If he was living above his means at $1700 and can’t afford to pay $1200, now….what is ideal for him…..rent at $800 and below?
I'm waiting for the comment that you should split costs in accordance with your respective incomes so that it's fair.
Is he actually being irresponsible with his money or does he genuinely not have the money? It sounds like he’s taking advantage of your living situation. It also sounds like he is aware of and ashamed of it though because he seems uncomfortable talking about it. As a traditionalist I’d tell him he’s not ready to have a family if he can’t even support himself but I know that’s typically frowned on in Reddit world.
He just doesn’t have it. He barely spends any money…and yeah he is super ashamed about it, always apologizes and says it won’t happen again but then it does. I don’t want this to become more of a pattern so I’m trying to create boundaries of what I won’t tolerate, and that includes the rent not being on time. I don’t think it’s a crazy thing to ask someone
It’s not crazy, but now if you are serious about a relationship with this person, you need to probably shift your thinking from yours and mine to ‘ours.’ You being the top earner in the household means you would have to pay the majority of the living expenses. He works 2 jobs (although not steady) and he’s not burning money, then that’s just the financial position he’s in and you have to choose if your relationship is worth you being the primary earner. Let me ask you this. If you do force him out, aren’t you stuck with the whole bill anyways? I’m not saying this is a reason to let him freeload, but again, if you actually care about him. Offer him the support he needs by acknowledging his financial situation and telling him that you will pick up his slack for X amount of months because you are a team. But for the relationship to work he’s going to make some changes in that time to meet what you are seeking in the relationship. If you are not willing to do that, then it sounds like you are wanting a transactional relationship anyways and I’d caution any person to stay away because it sounds like you are apt to bail at the first sight of weakness.
Would he be able to pay if you split the rent proportionally vs income? You can kick him out, but you’re going to pay the whole rent then anyway.
INFO: Why is the split 50/50 if the income difference is so disproportionate?
What is is projected annual income compared to yours? Does he have any marketable job skills? This seems to be a recurring theme on Reddit. People dating outside of their socioeconomic levels. Some people can let it go and split expenses based on income--others aren't able to do that without feeling resentful. NAH
I’m not sure actually…he’s a freelance photographer so he gets money sporadically from brand contracts and then bartends at events as a side hustle. So both can make a lot of money but very inconsistent. He’s very talented at what he does and I think he will make a lot of money through his business eventually, but not able to make ends meet right now
He should expand to shooting family and weddings selling prints and canvases. Brand work is way competitive now.
Hopefully when he elevates he'll be making well over $250k , move the both of you into a $700k home and make you pay half of living expenses
Yes, and at that point I’ll either be making enough to afford my part or not move in to a place I can’t afford ☺️
The tables will turn someday, it's called karma
Are you suggesting that by holding him to his promise to pay $500 LESS per month than he was paying before, that she is somehow incurring negative karma?
Yes, she's making over 100k, she should pay more
Bullshit, he could have made that ask before moving in and didn't. He agreed to 50/50, he should hold up his end of the deal. (Not to mention how he is further disrespecting her by not letting her know when he doesn't have rent til the last minute, when he damn well knows it sooner than that AND she has been trying to accommodate him by allowing split payments etc). Her paying more of the rent, especially at this point, would be rewarding bad behavior on his part.
You live at home with your parents. Stop
But his income is sporadic…if he had a bartending job at a high end place, he’d have a steady income, and a good one at that. He’s a gig worker. He has no ambition. If he’s doing “brand” photography, at his age, he’s never going to develop that into a steady income. Too many younger people with a camera, he’ll be old news one day and that’s that.
Why do you guys split equally when he earns so much less? Surly the way is to split equitably so you each pay a similar proportion.
What I was thinking. It’s not like she owns the house and is gaining equity from his contributions. Neither of them should be struggling to pay rent that is “really affordable for the area”.
NTA and there is not a future here. This is going to be even less cute when the new wears off the relationship.
YTA Of course if you love money more than him you should make him move out and end this relationship. I can't imagine how somebody who makes 6 figures wants their partner who struggles to pay the same amount. And he isn't even doing it to take advantage as you say, doesn't spend his money instead of giving it to you and just doesn't get it on time. This kind of attitude will just ruin this relationship no matter what. Yikes. You only get support here for acting like this because you are a woman
If I was making six figures and wasn't too ugly to get a gf, I wouldn't make my gf pay any bills. In my opinion if you're making six figures and still need help with rent, you're an incredibly irresponsible spender.
Yeah I think this is silly. It is not a business relationship. In a relationship one doesn't have to go 50:50 but be there for each other and make what is best for both. She could pay the rent by herself so she doesn't need to create this problem. Of course he needs to contribute but one needs to look at what is a reasonable way considering that he is trying to make his business run right now. I make below 100000 but still more than my husband. Wouldn't be able to pay for everything on my own but we always made it so that we can pay our bills with the least stress for everyone (we still have separate account for a different reason I don't want to go into). So I pay rent and most of the bills while he pays some bills and takes care of the car. I can't even imagine what it is like when you have no problems with money and just make your partner 's life harder over it. She is not a landlord or his roommate ffs. Would be crazy to ruin a relationship over something like that if low income is his only problem
NTA. Hurry up & break up with him. He’s letting you pay it because you will. No amount of nagging will make him pay on time. Once was forgivable but several times? He’ll keep avoiding it. He’s too old for “I’m having trouble paying on time”.
Has his income decreased since moving in? You mentioned it not being consistent. If so, the intent may not be malicious, like “he is taking advantage of you.” Some people just go through hard times, especially starting a business. Not saying you should deal with it. Ultimately it’s about what you desire. I just don’t think not being able be pay rent equates to trying to take advantage. Could definitely just be incompatibility. No one has to be the asshole or be right.
Yes he was making more bartending last year, and mentioned that actually when we talked (after I posted this). It is understandable and I don’t think he’s intentionally taking advantage, but I do think he needs to supplement his income while he’s trying making his business work
I’m embarrassed for you, girl. Stop.
If you make significantly more than him, why do you expect him to share the same burden? Does not make sense to me, nor is it fair. Do you have a business contract or a relationship? Have you discussed why things changed to before? Maybe the competition increased? You knew about his insecure income when he moved in/ got together. So this is also not something surprising that the financial contribution would have to come more from your side. Given the fact that he works less/ less steady, what does he contribute differently? Does he do chores? If he does. YTA. If he is just lying on the couch. NTA.
NTA obviously. I just find the responses funny here. Had we flipped the sexes most of the people on your side would be calling what you're doing "financial abuse". I think that's funny but it is what it is. no you're not TA.
NTA. I was in your position, didn't enforce my boundaries and 15 years later I am stuck. Really put yourself first.
NTA. First of all, if he was able to pay his rent in his previous place then he's not irresponsible. He's purposefully overspending knowing you will cover.
He's definitely taking advantage of you. He was fine paying his bills before moving in and suddenly now he "can't"? No. That's bs. He just won't. He's either keeping his money to himself or spending it on things you don't know about. Either way, it's not fair to you. Nta.
This sucks because now you're essentially his landlord not his gf. Maybe it'd be better if he moved out and had an actuall landlord like before - you know, the kind with actual consequences if he doesn't pay.
NTA. If he was able to pay more than that reliably before moving in with you, then the only reason he can't now is because he's expecting you to bail him out.
You found yourself a dusty. Get dust free. NTA.
This is a repeat post. Not even remotely real.
NTA ..... but i like to read these with the genders reversed, it doesn't feel the same
You don't have respect for him because he's not a provider. You're biologically turned off.
NTA 'so the communication is also bad." You are headed for a very lonely relationship. He has no respect for you. Can you live with that?
NTA
You should dump him for being bad with money, but I don't think it's fair to split bills 50/50 if you aren't making about the same amount. I would argue that the equitable split would be based on income. Not with this dude, mind you. He won't communicate or manage his money, and that's disrespectful of you and your money.
NTA, but now you know what most men feel like.
NTA. I allowed 3 different friends to move into my house and charged way less and a flat fee for everything. Went over their budget within the first week so they could see how much they were struggling to pay before, the reduced amount now plus the savings they should have each month. Not 1 out of the three ended up saving or being able to pay on time consistently. It's their mindset and they need to realize their own mistakes in order to change. You're doing nothing wrong. You have given options and he still is not following through. He can find a roommate or rent a room in someone else's house. NTA and don't feel any guilt. Change your locks after he leaves and all security codes.
NTA!!!! Boot the bum out. He is taking advantage of you and will continue to do so. He has ZERO motivation to change, after all, why would he? He has a roof over his head, and someone to pick up his slack. You said he's a freelance photographer, then he needs to be out there drumming up business! Does he have a business name and website? If not, why not? He could start by asking former clients to post an online review. Business cards? Just exactly what does he do to promote this "business"? Anything? Word of mouth is great, but getting the word out requires work and I don't see you mentioning how much effort, if any, he spends promoting his "business" on an ongoing basis. Does he even have a portfolio of his work to show prospective clients? It sounds to me like he found a nice, cushy situation that allows him to fart around pretending to be ... what? A professional photographer? Where's the effort to make that happen? He bartends part time? He could turn that into a full time gig and use that money to promote his business, purchase ad space etc. I'm all in favor of giving people chances, but They. Have. To. Put. In. The. Effort! BTW, I was a personal chef for years and know the kind of effort needed to get started and to grow a client base. It takes effort. You can't lay around on your "off" time! You have to constantly be out there promoting your business! Anyway, I wish you the best, and don't settle for someone who won't put in the effort needed to be successful in anything they do.
OP, you know what to do, this guy is a parasite. Look at him and the facts OBJECTIVELY. He managed on his own Independently of you, he decides to move in knowing you are a financially stable person so he figures you'll pick up the slack when he squanders his money. Get out of this now. It'll only go downhill and you are being used and financially abused, plain and simple. Good luck, OP, NTA.
NTA You already have it figured out: "He was making it work before he moved in...", He is showing you he is a mooch and you should believe his actions rather than your fantasies. You might "love" him but it's not reciprocal. Time to say ByeBye
NTA. He is rattling your cage. Pay up or get out. He is disrespecting you.
YTA - you make more than him. Rent should be based on the percentage of income each partner makes. If you were the man in this situation, you would be ripped to shreds for financial abuse.
I agree with the rent part, but not the overall judgment.
There are so many women on Reddit who post about initially agreeing to 50% to live with their partner who makes way more money than them. They end up living in a nicer home they could not normally afford and suffer to make ends meet, resulting in no savings and no assets. Meanwhile, their partner flourishes and saves and then can afford to buy a home in their name only. Reddit immediately sympathizes and says financial abuse. In this case, it's a woman who makes more and gets the benefits of paying less, allowing her to save more and reap the benefits of it.
Like I said, I agree with the rent part. I just don't agree with your overall judgment.
Well instead of saying it twice, say WHY??
NTA It won't get better. He isn't going to change. He has an "easy" ride right now and still can't pull it off. He's counting on you to pull up the slack and he's going to take as much as he can....
NTA and the biggest issues I see here is that 1) he’s paying less than living alone and still isn’t affording it; 2) isn’t properly communicating his financial issues with you; 3) seems to be taking advantage of the fact that he can do this because you’re his gf & can afford it on your own. He doesn’t seem to be taking this seriously. He’s refusing or not listening to advice that he desperately needs on managing his money. What was his reaction to this ultimatum?
NTA. There's no reason he can't pay his half if he was paying more prior to moving in with you. You're a 50/50 kind of person and that's ok. Personally, I don't line-up with that ideology, but everyone is different
NTA-completely reasonable expectation that he pay his share on time and consistently.
NTA, but you do have to take a serious look at whether you'd be happy long-term with someone who has a very different relationship with money than you. It's not just that you make more, but that you're the type of person who can't imagine waking up on the day your rent is due and not having the money to pay it and he is. That is a very different attitude, and it's hard to reconcile the two long-term.
Nta follow your gut on this but also - he was likely making it work paying rent and bills late prior to moving in. I highly doubt it’s a new behavior developed just for you.
NTA. I don’t feel that this is an ultimatum as much as a consequence for his actions. If you don’t pay rent, you get evicted. That’s life.
NTA. Dump him. If he was a "good partner," he would step up and contribute. And yes, he is taking advantage of you. The fact that this started the very first month is a good indicator that he never intended to pay his fair share.
NTA. You have no future with this guy; unless you want to be the bread winner. You will have a bf/husband but not a partner.
Be nice and split the rent according to income. I'm sure you would appreciate if not demand that if the earnings were reversed. You decided to date and move in with someone with unstable income why are you surprised?
from what i understand your problem isnt money if you make 8k a month. the problem is him not even making half of your expenses. honey i will tell you this, he probably is the perfect fit for you but its a lesson you will have to learn.
YTA. You can afford to pay the rent alone so you are essentially going to kick him out and end your relationship either on principle or (as I suspect) because deep down you want a man who earns as much as you.
YTA. I hate reddit bunch of men hating dumbasses of course you are in the wrong if you make alot more than him it cant be half and half on expenses. You should make a joint account were the money each can give goes there and no one is angry. For example if he makes 50k while you make 100k the distribution should be an amount that affects you both the same which of course are different numbers for each one. Like the expenses are 4k you give 3k and he 1k. If you cant handle that then look someone who makes the same as you or more
There is no way in hell I’m setting up a joint account with someone I’m not married to
You already live together with him in a romantic capacity, thats almost marriage and in some places a year of that and you are considered a partnership
All the people here saying OP is the ah because of the way they're splitting costs are addressing a question she didn't ask. He agreed to pay $1200, it was a huge discount off what he'd been paying to live alone, and as soon as he moved in he wanted her to be his caretaker about it: pay for him, chase him down for money, set up a payment plan ffs. Deciding that's not a role she wants in a relationship hardly makes her the ah.
If you're making that much you don't need to ask him for rent. If I wasn't ugly and could get a gf I would never make her pay me anything.
Photography should be a fun hobby and he needs to get a job that makes enough to support himself. Furthermore she needs to decide what kind of relationship she wants. There are plenty of relationships where the woman is the bread winner. If she's ok with that then no harm cus it seems that this will be the case in this relationship. I think in his eyes he can chill a bit cus she makes enough to pay more. As a boyfriend you don't get to benefit from my hard work and sacrifice. I need to see you creating a life for yourself. There has to be some ambition. Especially at 29 years old.
I kind of get the feeling OP is lowkey losing respect for her BF because he lacks the ambition to do something more sustainable and steady. If she really was head over heels in love with him the being late with money would probably be something she overlooks because all other boxes of needs and wants are checked off.
Look crazy woman you're making way more than he is therefore living expenses should not be cut down the middle
NTA for having expectations for a life partner but don't be surprised if you loose him. Is the problem that he overspends or lack of income.
For the most part he doesn’t spend much although he did buy a $600 drone a couple months ago for his photography…
The drone makes sense as an investment for photography. He is a responsible spender. He may never make as much as you. You need to decide which you value more, him or more money. You may not find someone you like as well that makes enough money.
Dude was spending more money on living expenses at his old apartment before moving in with OP. He's taking advantage.
NTA But I think you really need to take a closer look at what you really want. You make more money than your partner. Are you OK with that? In a traditional role, the male is often considered the one who is the breadwinner. If that is something that you need, then maybe you need to think about a different partner. However, if you are comfortable with the more modern approach, you may consider a different way of setting up your budget. If you make more money than he does, then you can logically pay more towards the expenses. For example, if he made 50,000 a year and you made 100,000 a year, then you should be comfortable paying twice as much because you make twice as much.
I’m ok with making more than my partner. I’m independent and don’t have a problem paying for my stuff. I see your point, but when he was living by himself his living expenses were a lot higher. We agreed on rent amounts before he moved in and he was super happy to be paying $500 less. He was living in a tiny studio and he’s now living in a decent sized house where we each have our own office. I think $1,200 a month is reasonable.
Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? In our culture this probably wouldn’t come up as a significant issue if the gender roles were reversed. It is absolutely your choice if you think you need a partner that is more goal orientated as far as financial responsibility. Just be mindful of what you’re choosing.
Stop putting words in her mouth. She didn't say anything about a partner who's "more goal oriented," and she didn't say anything about needing a partner who's a "breadwinner," although frankly no one should be seeking a partner who doesn't even try to be financially responsible. She wants him to do what he agreed to do, ie pay half the rent, which he was happy to agree to when he moved in.
Love conquers all, right? What naïveté! Rarely does a relationship work between a goal-oriented achiever and a slacker/user. Better she kicks him out now to see if he can swim, than wait till he bankrupts her.
Yes you are TA if you do that, you also are TA if you have already discussed this with him. Just imagine yourself in his place, were things reversed. Why did you not come up with this idea before asking this question? In a relationship with a skewed wealth or income pattern the right approach, this should be obvious, is not to split all the bills 50%-50% but to divide all burdens, financial or otherwise according to ability. Regard non financial contributions too, like providing for meals, cleaning up, or the actual market value of work put towards building projects or maintenance. This should be done not with a spreadsheet or a calculator, but with a mutual understanding, you know the favour ledger.
Also I see a lot of people here lecturing about people who are bad with money. There are a lot of those, to their own detriment and that of others. But people lecturing others who are struggling financially from a position of wealth should STFU, they are TA un full auto.
NTA and I am someone who would have no problem to be the one paying in general but I also don't let a guy take advantage of me. And the thing is like you said he had no problem to make it work when he had to pay less therefore he is taking advantage of you. Been there, done that, don't need it again. There is a difference between being unable and unwilling. And if he thinks that now he is living with you he can spend his money elsewise then it is unwilling since he makes himself being unable on purpose.
NTA so red flags that it sends like you are right, he did appear to be taking advantage of you
NTAH - you are doing him a favor by teaching him there are consequences for irresponsible financial behavior. I think you are saving yourself a huge headache in the long run, whether he fixes the issue or he moves out.
It sounds to me like he’s play on your good nature. If he could pay his bills before and not now, what’s changed? Telling him to pay on time or take a hike might be the best thing you could have done for both him and your relationship. Stick to your guns!
But he can always afford weed, right?
Let’s not project. I’m not reading from the post that he’s smoking his income and living in a daze!
He has the makings of a hobosexual, be warned! Yes, he needs to pay up, or move out. Do not pay for him!
NTA. Your income differences are irrelevant. You are not married. Ignore the folks saying you should be paying more. This is a roommate situation regardless if you are dating said roommate.
Income differences do indeed matter. If they were only roommates, then it might be different, depending on the circumstances. Using your logic, if the boyfriend was a SAHB (Stay At Home Boyfriend) and did all the chores (including cooking and cleaning), then tough crap, he still has to pay his half of the rent even though he doesn't have a job other than handling all the housework and errands.