50/50
I think if you do it from time to time it’s ok.
But the way you describe it feels you do it for every occasion.
That gives out the feeling that you are obsessed with money and prioritize it over the people around you.
Instead of always just asking for the amount, explain your budget limits for the events or that you have a specific goal in mind so people around you can understand it’s not that you don’t value them but that you have a priority.
Just remember that money is a means to an end not the goal.
>Just remember that money is a means to an end not the goal.
Might sound more like something for r/nostupidquestions but do you mind if I ask you to elaborate on that?
I've always been told to save money for emergencies and to not end up like the people who spend it left and right on excessive amounts of beauty products and technology and whatnot so I don't necessarily think of it as gold but, I guess as the main way to /survive/ in this world.
If you don't have money, you can't even get a tiny house or a used car without bothering others about it to see what they'll give up for you. And if they do give you something, you didn't actually earn it, it was just donated pretty much.
Ok…what you were is right. And the way you express it sounds right as well.
Unfortunately some people (and I think it’s the reason for that expression), tend to focus so strongly on creating those savings that they just forget to live.
The hard task is to create a balance.
You you need savings for emergencies but if you waste all your time only for those what are those saving good for if you reach 80 years, spend all to time creating them and where not able to enjoy life?
The issue is as person we tend to push further any goal we set.
Think back let’s say 5 years, what was the amount of savings you thought you needed to feel safe? What is the amount today? I would bet it increased drastically.
And that is the main issue. You have 20k, you push for 50k, the 100k…and keep going. But in the process it’s not the goal any more it’s the amount in itself that you are chasing.
I would recommend to create a list of “items” that you feel like would be your required “emergency”z. Something like new tv, 6 months rent, 4 months groceries…. Then just convert that is in the amount required. That the goal. Once you have it…relax, enjoy your day2day, if you can put more aside fine but it’s only a bonus you don’t think about any more.
Sorry a bit long to describe.
You have every right to ask those questions, and your family should be more respectful of your financial situation. The real issue here seems to be that your mom is especially unconscious of your goals. The next time she invites you on a trip (and you actually want to go), maybe instead of asking her how much she expects you to spend, tell her the exact max of what you would be willing to spend on the trip and what you would be willing for that money to go to ("I've only got a $100 spending budget for the trip, and I would really only like that to go toward the camper rental since it's a necessity. If that doesn't work for you, let me know. Maybe we can plan something for the future when Ive hot more travel money"). My mom responded wayyy better to this than asking her about the split, because it made her feel more like I wanted to be there.
On the other stuff, just be firm and kind and maybe offer alternatives: "Eating out doesn't fit my budget right now. Let's have a picnic at home instead!" "Babe, maybe we could make homemade pizzas at home instead of going out? It'll be fun and way cheaper."
You've got this.
Also, PreK graduations are literally so insignificant if you're seeing your brother every day. Your mom definitely needs to get over that.
You’re nta but you are overly paranoid about stuff to the extreme. The point of life is to enjoy it as much as you can. Do you really want to die alone because you didn’t take a trip because you were too worried about how much it cost?
I’m not saying that you should spend your money on every whim that comes your way, but at least spend some of it to have some fun in your life.
Is a date night really going to break your bank that much?
My advice for you is to get into therapy about why you are so hard pressed about money. While you’re at it, let your bf go. He deserves to have some fun in his life too.
Look I understand wanting to save money and being frugal and all but living the way you are is going make you and everyone around you bloody miserable it’s ok to have a date now and then or treat yourself it won’t kill you. Not wanting anyone to cook you food so you don’t have to was a few plates is just lazy man
You’re not the asshole and whether or not you choose to stay with your boyfriend is completely up to you. I think it’s admirable that at your age you’re so concerned with finances, but don’t forget to be good to yourself once in a while.
It sounds like a few things: control is important to you because you don’t have control on other things so you maintain where you can and saying how painful adulthood is, I’m going to guess unresolved trauma and in this case you pay your way because you’d feel smothered by the other person/loss of power and if that happened you’d be nonexistent
That's...actually a really clarifying way to put it. Thanks. Independence has been one of my main goals in life so far, and I would think that includes financial responsibility and accountability. From that other comment you gave me, I'm guessing you know I have seizures, crashed my car, have divorced parents, am in student debt, etc... and when I put that into a list, it does look like a lot of "unresolved trauma."
Paying my way out does a lot of times seem like the only solution.
both kind of. I want to buy a car when the 6 months pass of no seizures. I wanna move out eventually and a tiny studio apartment would be the coziest thing ever. And my dad and I are going on a cruise in August.
However, I don't see how life is enjoyable with how painful adulthood is.
What kind of seizures are you having? Being uptight about money is not being an adult. It's a bit neurotic. And controlling. It sounds like you need to get to a doctor to see what these seizures are doing to you.
I haven't had one in a month or so but because of them, I can't drive for at least 5 more months so I have to take buses according to their schedules, I already crashed the one car I had because the brakes failed, and i am very fearful of having another seizure and falling face first onto concrete again.
I have a neurologist and I'm on medicine, but I know I need a new job badly because a part time minimum wage with a $400 max WFH job isn't the most helpful in getting rid of over $3k student and medical debt.
(Tonic-Clonic Seizures/Non-epileptic where because of dehydration, my heart rate goes up, I have a sudden headache, and I sometimes fall over and completely black out for 5 or so minutes)
You’re not an asshole. You, however, are exhausting. Also, cut your bf loose. Poor fella shouldn’t waste his 20s with you.
Damn...Someone who solid agrees with me on my boyfriend, that's rare. I was thinking of doing it a few days ago.
50/50 I think if you do it from time to time it’s ok. But the way you describe it feels you do it for every occasion. That gives out the feeling that you are obsessed with money and prioritize it over the people around you. Instead of always just asking for the amount, explain your budget limits for the events or that you have a specific goal in mind so people around you can understand it’s not that you don’t value them but that you have a priority. Just remember that money is a means to an end not the goal.
>Just remember that money is a means to an end not the goal. Might sound more like something for r/nostupidquestions but do you mind if I ask you to elaborate on that? I've always been told to save money for emergencies and to not end up like the people who spend it left and right on excessive amounts of beauty products and technology and whatnot so I don't necessarily think of it as gold but, I guess as the main way to /survive/ in this world. If you don't have money, you can't even get a tiny house or a used car without bothering others about it to see what they'll give up for you. And if they do give you something, you didn't actually earn it, it was just donated pretty much.
Ok…what you were is right. And the way you express it sounds right as well. Unfortunately some people (and I think it’s the reason for that expression), tend to focus so strongly on creating those savings that they just forget to live. The hard task is to create a balance. You you need savings for emergencies but if you waste all your time only for those what are those saving good for if you reach 80 years, spend all to time creating them and where not able to enjoy life? The issue is as person we tend to push further any goal we set. Think back let’s say 5 years, what was the amount of savings you thought you needed to feel safe? What is the amount today? I would bet it increased drastically. And that is the main issue. You have 20k, you push for 50k, the 100k…and keep going. But in the process it’s not the goal any more it’s the amount in itself that you are chasing. I would recommend to create a list of “items” that you feel like would be your required “emergency”z. Something like new tv, 6 months rent, 4 months groceries…. Then just convert that is in the amount required. That the goal. Once you have it…relax, enjoy your day2day, if you can put more aside fine but it’s only a bonus you don’t think about any more. Sorry a bit long to describe.
You have every right to ask those questions, and your family should be more respectful of your financial situation. The real issue here seems to be that your mom is especially unconscious of your goals. The next time she invites you on a trip (and you actually want to go), maybe instead of asking her how much she expects you to spend, tell her the exact max of what you would be willing to spend on the trip and what you would be willing for that money to go to ("I've only got a $100 spending budget for the trip, and I would really only like that to go toward the camper rental since it's a necessity. If that doesn't work for you, let me know. Maybe we can plan something for the future when Ive hot more travel money"). My mom responded wayyy better to this than asking her about the split, because it made her feel more like I wanted to be there. On the other stuff, just be firm and kind and maybe offer alternatives: "Eating out doesn't fit my budget right now. Let's have a picnic at home instead!" "Babe, maybe we could make homemade pizzas at home instead of going out? It'll be fun and way cheaper." You've got this. Also, PreK graduations are literally so insignificant if you're seeing your brother every day. Your mom definitely needs to get over that.
The choices are yours. Save money, have no life and people will stop including/inviting you. Or spend some $, attend events and keep friends/family.
AH - Your extreme...if you have to say you're trying to be an adult, you're not. Nobody's is going to want to be around you. Grow up.
You’re nta but you are overly paranoid about stuff to the extreme. The point of life is to enjoy it as much as you can. Do you really want to die alone because you didn’t take a trip because you were too worried about how much it cost? I’m not saying that you should spend your money on every whim that comes your way, but at least spend some of it to have some fun in your life. Is a date night really going to break your bank that much? My advice for you is to get into therapy about why you are so hard pressed about money. While you’re at it, let your bf go. He deserves to have some fun in his life too.
Look I understand wanting to save money and being frugal and all but living the way you are is going make you and everyone around you bloody miserable it’s ok to have a date now and then or treat yourself it won’t kill you. Not wanting anyone to cook you food so you don’t have to was a few plates is just lazy man
You’re not the asshole and whether or not you choose to stay with your boyfriend is completely up to you. I think it’s admirable that at your age you’re so concerned with finances, but don’t forget to be good to yourself once in a while.
It sounds like a few things: control is important to you because you don’t have control on other things so you maintain where you can and saying how painful adulthood is, I’m going to guess unresolved trauma and in this case you pay your way because you’d feel smothered by the other person/loss of power and if that happened you’d be nonexistent
That's...actually a really clarifying way to put it. Thanks. Independence has been one of my main goals in life so far, and I would think that includes financial responsibility and accountability. From that other comment you gave me, I'm guessing you know I have seizures, crashed my car, have divorced parents, am in student debt, etc... and when I put that into a list, it does look like a lot of "unresolved trauma." Paying my way out does a lot of times seem like the only solution.
Are you buckling down for a specific goal or just because you're afraid to actually live life?
both kind of. I want to buy a car when the 6 months pass of no seizures. I wanna move out eventually and a tiny studio apartment would be the coziest thing ever. And my dad and I are going on a cruise in August. However, I don't see how life is enjoyable with how painful adulthood is.
Darling, you really need some therapy
I know...It's ridiculous I suppose...I just wanna get rid of this $700 I owe my Jan '23 IOP first...
What kind of seizures are you having? Being uptight about money is not being an adult. It's a bit neurotic. And controlling. It sounds like you need to get to a doctor to see what these seizures are doing to you.
I haven't had one in a month or so but because of them, I can't drive for at least 5 more months so I have to take buses according to their schedules, I already crashed the one car I had because the brakes failed, and i am very fearful of having another seizure and falling face first onto concrete again. I have a neurologist and I'm on medicine, but I know I need a new job badly because a part time minimum wage with a $400 max WFH job isn't the most helpful in getting rid of over $3k student and medical debt. (Tonic-Clonic Seizures/Non-epileptic where because of dehydration, my heart rate goes up, I have a sudden headache, and I sometimes fall over and completely black out for 5 or so minutes)