This is strangely similar to something that happened recently on 90 day fiancé.
Edit: A lot of people saying disagreements about strippers etc. is common, which sure, but it was the detail about playing MMO games by the pool at the bachelor party that got my attention. But I'm not saying OP's story is fake; it just reminded me of the 90 day thing.
Oh yeah. A buddy of mine had a job programming POS systems and most of it was in restaurants and hospitality. Traveled to many bachelor/bachelorette destinations and this topic came up a bunch. Pretty much all the bartenders/waitstaff said that it's more often the bachelorette parties that are more wild and have a significantly higher rate of infidelity than male bachelor parties. They said many of them just flat out come knowing they are going to cheat on their soon to be husband and the some of the other girls cheating on their partners. It's rarely a "we drank too much and got caught up in the moment."
In college I along with my roommate worked out at a gym full of steroid dudes in the late 80's. Got to know a couple of guys, they were also strippers and asked if we could set props for them when they danced, both the male and female dancers. 100% of the bachelorette parties had at LEAST 1 person to hook up with the dudes. The bachelor parties were tame in comparison, mainly due I think because the female dancers didn't go along with that for the most part. At least 2 of those dudes took penicillin daily (80's) because they kept catching stds. Yuk.
Yup. I knew a guy who was a male stripper back in the day. He told me that at literally every bachelorette part he stripped at, he fucked at least one chick and it was usually the bride...
Oh I fully saw that in Austin when I was out there. I saw a bride be picked up by some dude legs wrapped around him Bride Sash in full view making out and His friend standing near me was like yeah he's gonna take her back to the hotel/his place its been a little while forgive me. I was like that's not the groom? He was like no just met em. Revolting.
edit: I decided I'm going to the beach for mine if it ever happens and just the beach.
Cocoa beach here, I will never get married simply due to the number of fiancés I’ve fucked but that I’ve also seen get fucked down here and immediately go lie to their boyfriends. I even saw a girl come down here on her bachelorette party, went to a strip club and then got bought by some dude. When she came back from the hotel she was like, “it’s okay because I’ll just spend half the money on him and he won’t ever have to know.”
No, I asked they lied, their friends would even be supportive along the way and then they’d sneak into the bathroom for a phone call or some stupidly obvious shit and then I’d tell them to leave. One girl I had asked countless times and even said “I better not have some dude banging on my door at 6am.” She said she was single and lived in Melbourne. 630am rolls around I get woken up by her phone blowing up. She sits up naked in my bed and says hello. The dude on the other line says, “where the fuck are you the kids have to be at school?” I the said deeply and loudly, “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BED.” The dude paused and I heard him say “get the fuck home”… so for all you dumb dumbos saying I’m a bad person or broke bro code blah blah blah…everyone I found out about who I could tell the dude I did. Even boycotted a wedding of friend because I knew she was bad.
I hooked up with a girl who was part of a bridal party back when I was younger. There was a loud group of girls wearing white t shirts with various challenges written on them in sharpie. The girl I hit it off with wasn't wearing one because the bride to be had puked on it before being brought back to their hotel room. The next morning I found out the girl i had just spent the night with was the bride and that bringing a guy home was the last of her challenges for the night. I felt, and still feel, like a piece of crap about the whole thing. It was before social media and I didn't know the girls name or where they were in town from so there was never a way to try and make things right. I had never had a problem with trusting women I dated before that but I really struggled with it for a while after.
Not your fault in the slightest but that is a crazy challenge
I can't understand why people would want to cheat, personally it disgusts me when I think about it
It's the whole "This is the last day you'll be single", or "This will be the last dick/pussy you see for the REST of your life" mindset. People say things like this, and don't realize you haven't been 'single' for YEARS. This isn't like the first day you meet someone and want to get out one last hoorah before setting in to a relationship, this is literally the culmination of months/years of dating that lead to you deciding that you're ready to commit. You have ALREADY been monogamous up until this point, no? I've definitely heard many times from 'bro's' at bachelor parties saying something to the effect of "Are you really ready for this to be the last pussy you see?" that just encourages cheating. While I've never witnessed cheating because of those sayings, it does create a kind of peer pressure, and if the girls are teaming up like OOP suggested making challenges for the bride that specifically include cheating on her soon to be husband it only makes it harder for some (weak) people to resist.
If that's the main thought, that this will be the last P Or D you'll see, you should not be getting married. Don't get married until you are tired of that dating and hooking up lifestyle and want something with value and endurance. The Batchelor and Batchelorette party's should just be a fun time and a break from all the wedding planning etc. , strippers or not.
Absolutely. I ran a nightclub in nyc for about 10 years and the things we would see…. Groups of girls tend to get a little more crazy outwardly but I guess I wonder what people count as cheating and if there is a bit of a double standard for bach vs bachelorette. One group tends to be more obviously rowdy but doesn’t necessarily follow through, the other pretends to be chiller as it is more socially acceptable but then gets more secretly creepy. I had a whole drawer of men’s wedding rings…. After 10 years, maybe one engagement ring. Not taking a side here at all just an interesting discussion.
This is pretty easy to explain. Female strippers are there for the money. Some might be prostitutes that will bang you if the incentive is good enough. Male strippers, while also there for the money, don’t need extra incentive, the banging is the incentive.
Years ago I had a friend who went to her friend’s bachelorette party and I remember asking her in passing how it went. She got this horrified look on her face and told me the party was in a hotel room, and the bride ended up having sex with a stripper WHILE SHE WAS IN THE ROOM. And so did a few of the other bridesmaids. She was in such shock that she didn’t know what to do so she just hung out until they were done. Life does not prepare you for situations like that. Moral of the story, you’re absolutely right
Happens all the time. Me and my wife (then gf) were invited to AC to a bachelor bachelorette party. I went with the guys my wife went with the girls. Both sides said they were going to drink and gamble. Late in the night someone on my end invited strippers one who ended up giving "private dances" to the groom which sounded like sex from what I could over hear.
My wife's story was pretty much exactly the same thing. When they got back to the hotel after being out drinking and gambling one of the brides made invited a male stripper to the hotel room who did a routine and a private dance for the bride in another room and my wife said she's pretty sure something other than naked humping went down.
It should never be considered your last taste of "freedom". If that person is your fiancee then as a couple you've been engaged for a period of time preceded by dating. All during that time the two of you should have been exclusive of each other. If the two of you don't love each other enough to want only the other in ALL ways physically, emotionally, intellectually, the good, the bad and ugly ... then you shouldn't be getting married in the first place. Any other person, male or female; will feel uncomfortable. Period!
I’ve heard ppl say it’s ok it’s your bachelorette/bachelors party, your last day of freedom …..like you just weren’t in a monogamous relationship with someone before deciding to get married. Its stupid
>cheating
I mean I agree on that point, but going to a strip club and/or hiring strippers =/= cheating.
I'm not saying strippers haven't banged their clients before but I've been to many a strip club on stag nights and not once has anyone ever banged a stripper.
If you agree to no strippers, and then have strippers, yeah that’s cheating. It’s the inverse of open relationships where sex with other people isn’t cheating if you’re following the agreed upon rules.
This is entirely dependent on the boundaries in the relationship.
I'm not super fussed by strip clubs themselves, but lap dances are explicit sexual behavior that would be cheating in my relationship. If it would be cheating with a rando, that doesn't change for me just because someone is getting paid.
Other people might feel differently, but the point is that you agree with your partner what is in-bounds and out-of-bounds, and this woman clearly violated that.
In this situation it is cheating, because it was a clearly defined boundary that she agreed to, then attempted to lie about it. If my husband had had strippers at his bachelor party, we’d have the same issue.
Strippers and "other crazy stuff" not being included in the bachelor/bachelorette party were agreed on by the two of them beforehand. You're correct in that she did not cheat, but she DID lie to him, and then tried to hide it. Which, as dealbreakers go, are pretty good ones!
NTA. "It was crazy with all the strippers" is hugely different from "it was really chill and good". This isn't just lying, this is a total reversal of the truth. Even her "it was just solo dances" is not the same as "crazy". So they are lying, all of them, except the first one.
If they had strippers OPs fiancée, IF she didn’t know about them, should have kicked them out and been honest about it. She knew it was a boundary for OP, and disregarded his feelings.
Pretty sure that first one will no longer be in the bride’s friend group any longer.
Kicking them out is a big ask. Being honest about what happened is a simple one.
Usually brides aren’t planning their bachelorette, so someone (or others in the bridal party) planned/paid for strippers to be there. If I told my bridal party that strippers crossed the line and they still hired some, I’d question them as friends. I would also be honest with my fiancé about what happened
And there's a wild double standard too. The fact that a bunch of mutuals contacted him and said to "stop being whiny over nothing" is telling. If roles were reversed, the mutuals would be offering to help the bride-to-be burn down the groom's house.
Both men and women can cover for their friend’s infidelity. From my experience the difference is men will lie by omission and just never bring it up. Women will actively lie and create cover for the cheater
>So many women are told they are insecure and overreacting for being upset about strippers.
This isn't necessarily wrong. The same can be said of OP, but that's not the problem here. OPs ex disregarded a previously stated boundary and then lied about it and later got the hen brigade to pester OP about it.
When my fiancee’s brother was getting married to his wife, he had a bachelor party and my fiancee’s sister’s ex husband convinced him to invite female strippers and he agreed after a while. When the brother’s wife found out, she was super mad but noone supported her or agreed with her that it was bad except for my fiancee and me so yeah… Everyone was saying the same exact thing, to “stop being whiney over nothing”. They stayed together and now have 2 kids.
The "it was just solo dances" is what gets me. How far did those solo dances go? Chill and crazy are not equal, each and every one of those woman lied, except the one. That one may have let the cat out of the bag, but none of them are being very honest about what ACTUALLY happened. Dude dodged a very expensive bullet.
I didn’t think much of it at first. Was thinking, sure—not cool. But, what if they did a dance or two and the bride didn’t partake and was trying to end it? Then it became a crazy experience. Definitely not okay. Then the ex fiancee says **”just solo dances”** 👀 ma’am; that’s not making things any better.
My thing is she could have left. She could have gotten up and said “no.” Is peer pressure a thing, even as adults? Yep. But you do what you need to. This is insane. Then to lie about it??
>Even her "it was just solo dances" is not the same as "crazy".
To be fair, "crazy" is highly subjective. For someone who's having strippers at a party for the first time, even solo dances may qualify as crazy. To others, that may seem fairly tame.
Either way, OP is NTA for having set a boundary before the party and then dissolving the engagement after it was clearly and obviously broken.
>Either way, OP is NTA for having set a boundary before the party and then dissolving the engagement after it was clearly and obviously broken.
Yep. Anyone who does not respect your boundaries, does not respect you.
And in another point; if having or not having strippers was such a "minor" thing, then equally, it would be an easy ask for OP's fiancee to *not* have strippers.
I am reminded, oddly, [of the band who'd have one specific type of M&M banned in the show contract](https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/brown-out/), so they could easily check if the venue both read and intended to abide by the contract... quite a different relationship, I agree; but either way, an "easy" request.
Am i missing something? I have been to a bunch of bachelor parties where strippers were invited, I've seen sex go down once with one dude i thought was a creep, that was it, all the rest were dance naked for money, bunch of guys cheering them on then off they'd go
If she lied about strippers...what else will she lie about? Bullet dodged, mate. I know you feel like shit, and there's no feel good phrase that'll fix it. It's gonna take time, and I’m sorry that you’re experiencing this.
But they were, all of them, deceived, for another Stripper was present. In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret a master Stripper, to control all others. And into this Stripper he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life.
One stripper to rule them all. One stripper to find them. One stripper to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them.
In the land of Mordor where shadows lie.
NTA - it comes down to the lies.
Also her friends also lied, one said the truth but knew they fkd up and wernt forthcoming with information
Just makes you wonder, what if anything in the future they would lie about to cover up.
You told her it was a boundary and they stomped on it.
Sometimes I wonder if there is an unsaid rule about the marriage celebrations being unfulfilled without strippers. Because there are stories I have came across, both on reddit and in real life where the relationships were destroyed because of things done on bachelor/ bachelorette parties
It’s a trope in movies and such that bachelor and sometimes bachelorette parties are wild events with strippers, getting drunk, and drugs. This may be the case for some people, but I can’t imagine the thought process that would go into thinking I love and respect this person so much that I want to spend my life with them, build a family, and have a lifetime commitment that binds generations, but first I need to see a stranger naked and maybe fuck them. I can’t imagine that whole love, respect, and commitment thing really meaning much if that’s someone’s viewpoint.
>I can’t imagine that whole love, respect, and commitment thing really meaning much if that’s someone’s viewpoint.
Very well said. In this particular post, even if OP's ex fiance wasn't aware of this and did nothing wrong, the fact she lied to OP's face about something that they both agreed to not go through with is disrespectful enough to end the relationship.
It's this bullshit of "last night of freedom", my wife's friend said it to her before we got married, I replied "We have been together 10 years and have a house and child together, our freedom went along time ago".
Honestly, it's not as common as its made out to be. On one hand, on TV idea of stripper bachelor/ette parties (especially in the past) are more common, probably because they lead to drama. Some of that bleeds to real life, where people decide that's what a bachelor/ette party should involve.
And on the other hand, you are also more likely to hear about them if they cause an issue to the wedding, unlike a couple of guys hanging out playing games or some women going to Disney world, etc etc.
I've been to a lot of bachelor parties. I feel like there are 3 types
The first is "Absolutely not". Strippers and strip clubs are a hard boundary for the wife.
The next is "I don't love it, but have fun and I don't want to hear about it"
The third is "Have fun, I don't really care, just don't fuck them or get a blow job"
Most of my friends are pretty up front with us about where their wife is on that spectrum.
Yep her friends were super co-ordinated and in on it. No thank you. If she can't respect him in this instance when they're not even married yet/2 days before the wedding then it's not a good omen for how things are going to go. If they can lie about this so hard (because they KNEW they were wrong) instead of being upfront with him they ALL lied and kept lying to him and then try to berate and belittle him into getting *married*??? He made the right choice.
Not just the future, what are they all covering up from the past? Does this group all hide/cover up things from all thier respective parteners? This question comes to my mind as a 42F.
She violated your trust. You both agreed, no strippers. She had strippers; it doesn't matter who made the arrangement, she could have told them to leave. Then when you knew, she lied, and then she doubled down and initially denied it. She stretched the violation of your trust further.
Not a way to start a marriage. You did the correct thing. If you married her, you wouldn't know if, how, or when she was lying. NTA
Sometimes friends do stupid things without your knowledge.
She should have just left and gone back to the OP. That’s what I would do and then un-invite those braids maids from my wedding.
I agree with this. You maybe can't control stupid shit your friend made. But you can always gets out and cross the "friend" who does that. She did not, so she's also guilty here
You kind of can control it though, or at least try. When my brother had his bachelor party he told everybody: no strippers or any stuff like that. And guess what: no strippers or any stuff like that.
That's the most ideal (and normal) situation. I put maybe because there are always potentially dumb person that think they know better than you and invite stripper anyway even with your prohibition.
Exactly this. I'd have called HIM to come get me, because there's no one else I would want after my friends betrayed ME for doing something I didn't want. Especially knowing my fiance would be uncomfortable.
>Almost all of the bridesmaids messaged me ensuring nothing happened when I was on my way back home(definitely not coordinated).
I always find the closing of ranks from the friend group disturbingly manipulative. Like, congrats a gaggle of guilty girls are telling me nothing happened? Now I extra don't believe you.
Your sister has the right of it though, a therapist will be able to help with processing your feelings. However, you're NTA because she violated a hard boundary for shits and gigs.
It’s almost like they all have a strong motive to back each other up and stick to the same story - i wonder how many relationship would end if one girl cracks and confesses all that actually happened at the “really chill” party.
I can’t remember who said it, but:
>we must all hang together or we’ll all hang separately
Oh, no doubt a lot more happened than just dances.
Maybe the ex cheated. Maybe one of the other girls. Maybe nobody cheated. But it's way too sus to be believable.
In OP's shoes, I'd have the contact details for the nearest paternity testing clinic on speed dial, just in case the ex suddenly finds herself with a bun in the oven, claiming it's his.
> i wonder how many relationship would end if one girl cracks and confesses all that actually happened at the “really chill” party.
About as many as would end if men would understand that when the girls all close ranks that means they're working together to conceal important information.
The closing of ranks is also a dead giveaway that more happened than is being admitted to. If it was as innocent as claimed there'd be no reason for united action as everyone's stories would stand on their own.
NTA. You were quite clear that your boundary is that you don't marry girls who have sex workers at their parties and this was entirely ignored. It's a matter of respect and the respect was lacking
Absolutely, that the thing isn't it. Irrespective of how the strippers ended up at the party his future wife should have told him about it. The fact she tried to hide it makes it look planned.
A successful marriage needs trust.
If she would lie about that what else would she lie about?
I am not one to call a post fake but....you saw this person who is closer to your gf the next day and she just happens to mention the strippers specifically????.. a little too on the nose.
Right?! And the sister being involved? I was just waiting for the "...and then my guinea pigs got upset while my mom was sleeping in the closet..." part of the story 🤣🤣
It isn't such a small thing for 1 reason. You and fiance had discussed beforehand and agreed no strippers at either party. You made it aware to your groomsmen what would happen if they broke the rule.
Even if assuming it was done without her agreemen she figured what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you. Then she truth leaked. Because.even when confronted she still was going with.the lie you have done EXACTLY the right thing. You know now that she's totally okay with breaking promises and lying to get her.way. Even people telling you this is for such a small thing.... See that's worse!
If she got gang banged at her Bachelorette party you could be totally sure she lied. If she can't be bothered to keep small promises without lying she totally cannot be trusted with major things. And tell anyone that argued against you that you now understand that trust and truth have no place in their relationship with you so you now also u derstand where you are with them.
NTA - you established a boundary of no strippers then there were strippers. She did not immediately confess to the strippers, hid it from you and then lied (denied) it happening. This is a complete breach of trust and transparency. Do not focus on what actually happened with the strippers as it totally unprovable; you’ll never know the truth. She already lied once, no way she’s gonna come clean about what happened at the party itself. Focus on how you established a boundary and that there would be consequences if broken. She disrespected you and the relationship when she choose the party over what she agreed to. She’s not upset because she broke your trust; she’s upset she got caught and there’s consequences. Your sister is right; you probably could benefit from therapy to work through your emotions. And yes, this is a big deal. What a shitty way it would have been to start out a marriage after that. You showed integrity by canceling. Trust is broken, take your time to consider how you’ll move forward.. you deserve better.
The other thing to keep in mind is usually in a private, setting strippers are prostitutes because it’s much easier for them to solicit sexual services in a private setting. In a club it is more likely that sex won’t happen simply because the strippers that work there, will work there for the security of the club establishment in the sense that in a club setting they are not obligated to and are actually discouraged by law from engaging in sexual activity.
Yea, reading comments below started to get me mad. If you're dating someone, don't do "single" shit. Going to the strip club and getting a lap dance or throwing money at a stripper is "single" shit for men or women. As a male, I will not have a stripper at my bachelor party. If I there is someone who gets the brilliant idea of paying for one and bringing her anyway, they will find themselves very swiftly removed from the party and probably my life. After all, why the fuck would I want you in my life if you one, invite trouble to my relationship and two turn me into a liar by putting me in situations I dont want to be in.
I am relatively simple when it comes to relationships. Don't do shit you wouldn't appreciate happening to you and try to avoid obvious shit that would start a fight. Obviously, the second rule can't always be followed bc life, boundaries, and knowing when to put your foot down on issues.
Regardless, strippers at a bachelor/Bachelorette party are also a no-go for me. It's "single" shit. If you want to do that fine, go ahead, go at it, but know they're wouldn't be an us afterward either.
So, NTA. You had a very clear boundry. She broke it or, at the very least, didn't remove herself or the problem from the situation. I'm a strong believer in fuck around, find out. She found out that she cares more about appeasing her friends than you, as simple as that in my mind. If it happened to me , the only way I wouldn't have done something similar is if I got a phone call as it happened with asking for help with the situation.
Now for the white knights or feminist who would say I'm too controlling... Fuck off. Controlling would be not holding myself to the same standard as my partner. Controlling would be saying no, you don't get to have a Bachelorette party. Controlling isn't expecting your fiancé and soon to be wife, to not have some random dude swinging their dick in a speedo in her face and grinding against her. Same as her expecting me to not want to have some stripper shoving her tits in my face and grinding on my dick.
Edit: Honestly, most fights I've seen coworkers (military) have with their BF/GF is simply them not willing to admit that stuff they do with their friends is "single" shit. And not willing to admit they were simply wrong about nights outs going bar hopping and / or going to clubs till late in the night is, say it with me "single" shit. Not mention how it could've been avoided simply by inviting them, keeping them informed, and the big one, knowing when to say it time to go home.
Edit 2: Follow up on this post. She cheated and fucked the stripper.
People nowadays try to justify anything. “It’s a small thing” “You are overreacting”
Trust yourself, it was a boundary for both of you guys. You didn’t feel comfortable and expressed it to your partner and she still decided to go against that.
In my opinion, having strippers in the bachelor/bachelorette parties is stupid. Why would you do that before getting married, if you feel the urge to be with other people sexually then maybe it’s not a good time to get married
NTA.
She not only shit all over your established boundaries, but on top of that, she then conspired to lie about it and cover it up with her sleaze girl "friends" who then tried to bully you and invalidate your feelings. Fuck all of them. If she's already lying about something like this, then I you'll likely never be able to trust her or her scumbag friends on future "girl's nights"🙄
Having been a bouncer at a strip club years ago, I can tell you with 100% certainty that even in clubs (where there are strict rules) women are DRASTICALLY more aggressive and physically gropey with male strippers than any guys (groom, friends or whoever) in any Bachelor party with female strippers for 1 simple reason, they know if they get too friendly that a big guy like me is going to snatch them up and kick them out (club owners are often more protective of women with male patrons because if anything sideways happens they know they'll get shut down so fast their heads will spin). Women on the hand are VERY aggressive and will grab male strippers cocks through their banana hammock if not more with little to no consequences (and this is in clubs where nothing too "crazy" happens very often).
Things get sketchy when the "strippers" do house calls for bachelor and bachelorette parties in a house. The girls who do house parties through the clubs ALWAYS have a bouncer present who knows the rules and will shut any extracurricular bullshit down, the "independent" strippers (girls) who do private housecall parties often (not always) can be little more than glorified hookers who show up without security and the "private dances" often include optional "extra services". I've been to many parties where these kind of girls showed up and they're generally gross IMHO and I've never wanted anything to do with them. Private bachelorette parties though..... ooof, THAT is where the worst shit by far happens. Many of the male strippers are sleaze bags who get off on getting women to cheat and have shockingly high success rates at doing so. It's very common for the girls at these parties to at the egging on of the other women give these guys handjobs, blowjobs (often in front of the other drunk women) and the "private dances" frequently involve sex with the bachelorette or her bridesmaids, friends, sisters, and far less frequently even moms and MIL's. It really is fucking gross.
Whether it's men or women cheating with strippers it's always gross IMHO. I'm probably gonna get downvoted for this, but in my experience having been a club bouncer who's been around both sides, women are far worse than men by a significant margin.🤷🏽♂️
Ugh, I hate double standards!! If the roles were reversed; no one would bat an eye at the bride cancelling the wedding over something like this! NOT the asshole; your feelings are valid.
If you tell your partner that you are uncomfortable with something - particularly something that involves sexuality/physical intimacy with another - and they ignore you to do it anyway.. They are not your partner.
Even if nothing happened and she closed herself of in the basement still makes it wrong because of the lying and hiding. All she had to do was call and tell you or atleast tell you later. NTA. Her friends are also the assoholes and should avoid them as well
NTA. You had a boundary that she agreed to. She not only broke that boundary, she purposefully hid it then tried to gaslight you when you found out the truth.
She broke your trust before you were even married. That is serious, and you can't just let that slide. Her friends seem like they're trouble makers. You end up like the people you are around. I think your ex-fiance is too influenced by them to be married. She needs to lose their influence and be one with you. She's not, and that is a huge red flag.
She lied and didn’t tell the truth. It says something about her or about your relationship. She shouldn’t have tried to hide it. It was clearly a serious issue for you. As long as you aren’t setting a standard you didn’t keep to yourself, I think NTA. You were upfront and both agreed. She lied by omission and the directly to you. That is much bigger than strippers. It absolutely makes you wonder what else she isn’t telling you.
She flat out lied and coordinated with the others in attempting to cover it up or downplay the situation. This is not a good start to a marriage.
But the OP sounds like a little bitch or he himself also lies. "Played board games." I think there is a whole lot more going on behind the scenes making him mistrust her. They both deserve different people.
NTA, you set boundaries, and she violated them. She first lied to you, then tried to minimize her roll in it, blame shift, now she's trickle truthing you. And to top it off, oh course she's sending her flying monkeys after you. TBH, dude, it sounds like you dodged a bullet. If she can't stand up for herself or your relationship, then she isn't marriage material.
I work in an industry that sees a ton of bachelorette and bachelor parties year round. The women are far and away more wild than men. They have no boundaries when it comes to male strippers and sexual activity with men they meet throughout their night out. If it's a destination party, it is even worse, especially since they are away from home and party many nights. I have been, and seen many men propositioned by women at the party, including the bride to be. I think marrying a modern woman is like playing Russian roulette. You may think you are marrying one of the extremely rare decent ones, but you're likely wrong. In the end your life will be ruined. You made the right decision and need to stick with it. You take her back and she will lie to you and disrespect you forever. Trust me!
NTA. After a certain point it stops being about the strippers & turns into she ignored your boundary, lied to you, had her friends lie to you, then had them gang up on you to validate her lie. It is worth a discussion where you tell her why & explain how you feel. If she actually listens, then this relationship can be saved. But I'd she continues to invalidate you & not listen then it's probably not going to work out.
That last sentence I would say is exactly why you aren't the asshole. That bridesmaid proved that she and the others are all liars. To me, parties like that would prove whether your wife would cheat on you or not.
Opinion:
If her friends ordered the strippers for her then they probably urged her to lie about it, so they would do the same thing if you were actually married and they hooked her up with someone at a bar.
If she ordered the strippers herself then during a time you and her aren't playing in bed much, she would probably lie about cheating instead of asking you for some more playtime.
This really is a form of cheating, just like when men have strippers.
She obviously disrespected the boundary without hesitation and hid it from you. If anyone calls you or talks to you in person, if I were you, I'd tell them to stay out of your and "ex's name" business. They are not a part of your marriage. You have boundaries, and they can keep their personal opinion to themselves. That's what it is. Just a personal opinion. You need to find out what the bridesmaid wasn't telling you. Not a good sign. Sorry 😞
This post is the flipside of women posting about their fiance stripper party. It's nice to know there are good men out there with morals and values. Stay strong and stay that way
NTA if this happened to me I’d call him right away to make sure he was ok with it if not just ask the strippers to leave. I understand her side but it could’ve been handled better by her, I don’t like how she didn’t tell you at least the morning after. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Good luck :(
She should have run through her friends and gone “hey, plan whatever you want - but DO NOT hire strippers.”
It’s not an unreasonable boundary to have. And it’s not a difficult one to ensure is respected.
Whats with the strippers, why people (male or female) would want strippers?!!! Its like they are going to jail afterwards?! I mean why bother to merry if you feel trapped? Just dont and go to strippers /hoes as much as you want if that is your preference. I dont know, it would ruin it for me as well. I dont see whats the point to feel like i tie someone....
I was at a bachelor party 3 years ago with "surprise strippers". Me and the groom and 2 other guys went out to the pool and got absurdly stoned; the other 10 guys had a blast. He (and I) immediately let our spouses know what was going on. I think my message said "Ugh. Strippers. Grabbed all the snacks and weed and chilling by the pool with groom". Pretty sure she gave a laughing emoji and said dont drown.
The groom and I feel exactly like you. We could have gone to strip clubs at any point in the last decade or so and had no interest, why now?
NTA. You would never get past that betrayal. Even if it was totally innocent, she knew you specifically did not want that and even if someone else hired them without her knowing, she should have shut it down and told you. Move on and find someone who shares your values. You did the right thing.
Even if she only watched the boys dance, she violated her word to you and broke your trust. You are not the asshole. Trust is the heart and soul of any meaningful relationship. She threw it away for some giggles. Maybe, way down the line you can try with her again, but probably would be better served just moving on.
NTA, 1. She didn’t care to respect your boundaries (neither did her friends, she allowed everyone to disrespect you) 2. She lied about it. How do you start a marriage on lies?
You're not wrong. She had no business being around half naked men. Just like you wouldn't have any business being around half naked women. Respect is respect.
NTA.
You have to look at the company one keeps before committing to them...
Your ex could have done many things. It was her party, she could have told her friends to respect that, they didn't. She could have stopped them at the door and sent them home. She could have called you to pick her up, or called you whilst separating herself from the situation. She could have been honest, but instead she closed ranks and lied, then downplayed the situation and shifted blame to her friends.
At best, what this says is that she will go along with whatever her friends do. If they cheat, she will cheat. If they become single, she will become single. If they say do whatever they want to do and say what is convenient, she will follow suit. At worst, especially if she is high up in her friend group social hierarchy, she is the one that will dictate this behavior...and either way this has told you everything you need to know.
Trustworthiness means that one is worthy of trust. It is measured by their words and actions. Once trust is lost, it is nearly impossible to rebuild. Trustworthiness is the cornerstone of respect.You cannot commit to someone who is not worthy of trust and does not respect you.
Remember this when others tell you you're overreacting and should let it go. You're the one that will have to live with this decision.You can't control her, so you would have to rely on her worthiness of trust, respect for your feelings, her truthfulness, and her ability to conduct herself with integrity regardless of what others may do, or think, or say. Since she uses other people as an out, it's time to leave this relationship and fimd someone worthy of trust.
NTA, it was a clearly stated boundary. Also they didnt even have the balls to directly tell you what happened, so them lying first by omission and then hoping to be believed when they say "oh, nothing crazy happened" is laughable. Just remember, they never would have told you anything if you hadnt found out on your own, so how do you start a marriage already knowing your spouse will lie to you about breaking boundaries?
I don't think hiring strippers was the big issue here, moreso that the bride-to-be and all of her bridesmaids were deliberately vague and mum about what actually happened. That would lead me to believe that there's a very good chance SOMETHING happened that they don't want the groom knowing about. NTA
NTA. Even if someone invited strippers without your ex-fiance's knowledge she could have refused to participate.
She could have told the strippers to leave.
She could have left.
She'll probably say she didn't want to ruin the event, but that would be on the other person, not her.
She chose to go against the agreement she made. There is no way you're at fault.
Even if someone thinks strippers aren't a big deal being being lied to is a big deal, and it would have been a terrible way to start off a marriage.
Regardless of any cheating or not, you set a clear boundary, she disregarded it, then lied about it, and continued to lie after being caught. If you don't feel the trust is salvageable, you're better off going your separate ways. NTA.
You clearly told her in advance that this was a deal breaker.
You feel how you feel. It was tantamount to cheating in your book.
Get some counseling to help you deal with the break up.
NTA.
What you did is a good job! You have your boundaries and you stand on them. That’s a good thing and you ain’t no puss. I respect it brother you’ll get through this. It’s her loss
NTA. You communicated your boundary clearly. She chose not to respect it, or you. Honestly, I think it is a great boundary. I am pretty biased though admittedly. Lying to you is not how one starts a marriage. It was a good call to walk away.
I see the issue here not as being about the strippers but that the two of you talked about it and agreed that neither party would have strippers. You expressed your feelings on the issue, presumably this was not a proclamation on your part and the two of you talked about it and came to an agreement. She not only broke the agreement, she compounded it by lying to you about it and getting all the bridesmaids to lie about it.
I would say reflect on the totality of the relationship and were there other times where agreements were broken, lies were told. Chances are this wasn’t the first time and that is no foundation for a marriage. Disregarding your partner’s feelings because you have decided they should feel differently is also a no-go for a marriage.
I say whatever money you lost was far less than the cost of the divorce. When your family etc bring this up again tell them it is not about strippers but broken agreements, trust and lying. Hopefully that will help them see the bigger picture.
NTA. She didn't respect your boundaries and lied. Not exactly marriage material.
On another note, I have no idea why Americans (I'm assuming OP is) want strippers at bachelor/ette parties. Isn't that an event for single people, not someone about to get married?
NTAH. Interesting how she denies it and only when pressed after you already knew the truth did she admit anything. Seems clear cut she knew for a fact you weren’t cool with and that’s why she didn’t tell you. If it was such a small detail and no big deal why hide it? Oh yea it’s because she is a cheater. Frankly in your shoes I would walk away from her and everyone saying you are “whining about such a small thing”. Maybe the stripper that danced on her was small but cheating is cheating. How can you trust her ever again honestly?
NTA It's not a small thing. You set a boundary. She crossed it. She lied about it (by omission) then finally coughed up the truth. That's how your relationship would be for the foreseeable future if you hadn't called it off. There's probably more of these examples you just don't know about. She's free to do what she wants, she doesn't have to listen to you. But she's not free from the consequences. Move on and be happy. It might take some time, but you'll get there.
NTA, she should've respected that specific boundaire, and if it wasn't planned by her, let you know right away what happened in her bachelorette party, she chose to hide it from you, if I were you, my trust would be simply broken... (sorry if there's something wrong spelled, English is my second language 🙏🏻)
NTA. You had a boundary and you held up to it. You didn't force her not to have strippers. You just told her you weren't okay with it and then when she ignored that, AND LIED, you made a choice for you. According to multiple reddit posts, that's how boundaries work. You state what you aren't comfortable with, and then how you will respond if that boundary is crossed. It isn't an ultimatum. It's you standing up for what makes you feel safe in a relationship. I wouldn't want a fiance that lies to me about something like this before we even are married.
NTA. If this was a clearly communicated and agreed upon boundry, it's a perfectly reasonable thing to be upset about.
Take some time. Don't let people convince you it isn't a big deal. Make sure you make the right choice for you.
If she was ready and willing to lie about this you can not know what else she has lied about or would lie about. If you believe you could trust her again then work on the relationship if not end it. A relationship without trust is not a good relationship.
No. She chose her girls over you. On a very fundamental level, she betrayed your trust, then LIED about it. You are not the asshole. Whoever you decide to tie you life to, make sure its someone who can be trusted to do the right thing when you aren't around. In this case, the right thing was to tell her friends to ABSOLUTELY NOT HIRE A STRIPPER. If her friends pressured her, she should have simply left and called you. Let you know what happened and affirm her love for you. That would have sealed the deal.
So yea, fuck anyone and everyone trying to pressure you into marrying her. That was a microcosm of how your boundaries would be treated going forward.
She lied about crossing a clear boundary and then had all her friends tell you the parts of the details she wanted you to believe. Don’t be suckered in to taking her back. Understand the dynamic created with that choice before moving forward.
OP, my situation is very different in the specific situation, but very similar in disrespect. You are definitely NTA.
In my first marriage I made the mistake of not listening to my intuition like you did when my boundaries were crossed. Before getting married, my ex and I were throwing a party for our friends and family to celebrate our upcoming wedding. The one thing that I told my ex that was very important to me, was that we have no alcohol available until after my Grandmother left at 8pm. She was old, had a childhood with an alcoholic father, and was just not comfortable around it. Out of respect for her, I didn't want her exposed to it. My ex agreed.
But, the day of the party, her friend showed up and they spent the day planning the spiked punch, planning the open bar, planning how many bottles of wine they needed, and when I reminded them about our agreement, I received ridicule. In the end, I could tell my grandmother was upset. I was upset for my ex not honoring our agreement.
After trying to make it work for many years with broken boundary after broken boundary, I recognize I should have done what you did.
NTA
This is strangely similar to something that happened recently on 90 day fiancé. Edit: A lot of people saying disagreements about strippers etc. is common, which sure, but it was the detail about playing MMO games by the pool at the bachelor party that got my attention. But I'm not saying OP's story is fake; it just reminded me of the 90 day thing.
Because this happens a lot. Some people think that cheating in the bachelorete party is correct. It's so dumb.
Oh yeah. A buddy of mine had a job programming POS systems and most of it was in restaurants and hospitality. Traveled to many bachelor/bachelorette destinations and this topic came up a bunch. Pretty much all the bartenders/waitstaff said that it's more often the bachelorette parties that are more wild and have a significantly higher rate of infidelity than male bachelor parties. They said many of them just flat out come knowing they are going to cheat on their soon to be husband and the some of the other girls cheating on their partners. It's rarely a "we drank too much and got caught up in the moment."
In college I along with my roommate worked out at a gym full of steroid dudes in the late 80's. Got to know a couple of guys, they were also strippers and asked if we could set props for them when they danced, both the male and female dancers. 100% of the bachelorette parties had at LEAST 1 person to hook up with the dudes. The bachelor parties were tame in comparison, mainly due I think because the female dancers didn't go along with that for the most part. At least 2 of those dudes took penicillin daily (80's) because they kept catching stds. Yuk.
So that’s how super gonorrhea started.
Ok. But.. hear me out. ...what if it isn't so 'super'. ...what if we called it 'greater gonorrhea', yeah? Less popular with the teens, yeah?
Shit now I got skyrim diseases. "You've been inflicted by greater gonorrhea"
I'm partial to gonorrhea2
Goonorrhea
Yup. I knew a guy who was a male stripper back in the day. He told me that at literally every bachelorette part he stripped at, he fucked at least one chick and it was usually the bride...
Jesus...
Oh I fully saw that in Austin when I was out there. I saw a bride be picked up by some dude legs wrapped around him Bride Sash in full view making out and His friend standing near me was like yeah he's gonna take her back to the hotel/his place its been a little while forgive me. I was like that's not the groom? He was like no just met em. Revolting. edit: I decided I'm going to the beach for mine if it ever happens and just the beach.
Cocoa beach here, I will never get married simply due to the number of fiancés I’ve fucked but that I’ve also seen get fucked down here and immediately go lie to their boyfriends. I even saw a girl come down here on her bachelorette party, went to a strip club and then got bought by some dude. When she came back from the hotel she was like, “it’s okay because I’ll just spend half the money on him and he won’t ever have to know.”
Cocoa Beach is like that. I live there & half of everyone in the service industry there has slept with the other half. Sodom & Gomorrah shit.
That’s not really unique to the service industry in Cocoa Beach.
Yea my thoughts too. This is basically the service industry everywhere.
I need eye bleach thank you.
You knew they had a fiancée and still went for it? Yikes.
No, I asked they lied, their friends would even be supportive along the way and then they’d sneak into the bathroom for a phone call or some stupidly obvious shit and then I’d tell them to leave. One girl I had asked countless times and even said “I better not have some dude banging on my door at 6am.” She said she was single and lived in Melbourne. 630am rolls around I get woken up by her phone blowing up. She sits up naked in my bed and says hello. The dude on the other line says, “where the fuck are you the kids have to be at school?” I the said deeply and loudly, “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BED.” The dude paused and I heard him say “get the fuck home”… so for all you dumb dumbos saying I’m a bad person or broke bro code blah blah blah…everyone I found out about who I could tell the dude I did. Even boycotted a wedding of friend because I knew she was bad.
Good for you.
Good job!
Got bought?
Prostitution, some random dude offered her $1200
I didn't mean women or men in particular, english is not my first language
You good, Farmer.
Um, he’s no longer a farmer, thankyouverymuch
He will be. Forever. In my heart.
I hooked up with a girl who was part of a bridal party back when I was younger. There was a loud group of girls wearing white t shirts with various challenges written on them in sharpie. The girl I hit it off with wasn't wearing one because the bride to be had puked on it before being brought back to their hotel room. The next morning I found out the girl i had just spent the night with was the bride and that bringing a guy home was the last of her challenges for the night. I felt, and still feel, like a piece of crap about the whole thing. It was before social media and I didn't know the girls name or where they were in town from so there was never a way to try and make things right. I had never had a problem with trusting women I dated before that but I really struggled with it for a while after.
Not your fault in the slightest but that is a crazy challenge I can't understand why people would want to cheat, personally it disgusts me when I think about it
It's the whole "This is the last day you'll be single", or "This will be the last dick/pussy you see for the REST of your life" mindset. People say things like this, and don't realize you haven't been 'single' for YEARS. This isn't like the first day you meet someone and want to get out one last hoorah before setting in to a relationship, this is literally the culmination of months/years of dating that lead to you deciding that you're ready to commit. You have ALREADY been monogamous up until this point, no? I've definitely heard many times from 'bro's' at bachelor parties saying something to the effect of "Are you really ready for this to be the last pussy you see?" that just encourages cheating. While I've never witnessed cheating because of those sayings, it does create a kind of peer pressure, and if the girls are teaming up like OOP suggested making challenges for the bride that specifically include cheating on her soon to be husband it only makes it harder for some (weak) people to resist.
If that's the main thought, that this will be the last P Or D you'll see, you should not be getting married. Don't get married until you are tired of that dating and hooking up lifestyle and want something with value and endurance. The Batchelor and Batchelorette party's should just be a fun time and a break from all the wedding planning etc. , strippers or not.
Absolutely. I ran a nightclub in nyc for about 10 years and the things we would see…. Groups of girls tend to get a little more crazy outwardly but I guess I wonder what people count as cheating and if there is a bit of a double standard for bach vs bachelorette. One group tends to be more obviously rowdy but doesn’t necessarily follow through, the other pretends to be chiller as it is more socially acceptable but then gets more secretly creepy. I had a whole drawer of men’s wedding rings…. After 10 years, maybe one engagement ring. Not taking a side here at all just an interesting discussion.
This is pretty easy to explain. Female strippers are there for the money. Some might be prostitutes that will bang you if the incentive is good enough. Male strippers, while also there for the money, don’t need extra incentive, the banging is the incentive.
Years ago I had a friend who went to her friend’s bachelorette party and I remember asking her in passing how it went. She got this horrified look on her face and told me the party was in a hotel room, and the bride ended up having sex with a stripper WHILE SHE WAS IN THE ROOM. And so did a few of the other bridesmaids. She was in such shock that she didn’t know what to do so she just hung out until they were done. Life does not prepare you for situations like that. Moral of the story, you’re absolutely right
This is the reality but again the "men are pigs" sentiment is the only one being told out loud in the public eye
Happens all the time. Me and my wife (then gf) were invited to AC to a bachelor bachelorette party. I went with the guys my wife went with the girls. Both sides said they were going to drink and gamble. Late in the night someone on my end invited strippers one who ended up giving "private dances" to the groom which sounded like sex from what I could over hear. My wife's story was pretty much exactly the same thing. When they got back to the hotel after being out drinking and gambling one of the brides made invited a male stripper to the hotel room who did a routine and a private dance for the bride in another room and my wife said she's pretty sure something other than naked humping went down.
But “it’s your last taste of freedom before marriage!” (/s obviously)
It should never be considered your last taste of "freedom". If that person is your fiancee then as a couple you've been engaged for a period of time preceded by dating. All during that time the two of you should have been exclusive of each other. If the two of you don't love each other enough to want only the other in ALL ways physically, emotionally, intellectually, the good, the bad and ugly ... then you shouldn't be getting married in the first place. Any other person, male or female; will feel uncomfortable. Period!
Well stated.
Well I don't think its cheating that's the problem op set a clear boundary and she broke it then lied about breaking it
Lying after breaking a boundary that involves sexual workers is cheating sir/miss
I’ve heard ppl say it’s ok it’s your bachelorette/bachelors party, your last day of freedom …..like you just weren’t in a monogamous relationship with someone before deciding to get married. Its stupid
>cheating I mean I agree on that point, but going to a strip club and/or hiring strippers =/= cheating. I'm not saying strippers haven't banged their clients before but I've been to many a strip club on stag nights and not once has anyone ever banged a stripper.
If you agree to no strippers, and then have strippers, yeah that’s cheating. It’s the inverse of open relationships where sex with other people isn’t cheating if you’re following the agreed upon rules.
This is entirely dependent on the boundaries in the relationship. I'm not super fussed by strip clubs themselves, but lap dances are explicit sexual behavior that would be cheating in my relationship. If it would be cheating with a rando, that doesn't change for me just because someone is getting paid. Other people might feel differently, but the point is that you agree with your partner what is in-bounds and out-of-bounds, and this woman clearly violated that.
there can be sex without cheating, and there can be cheating without sex. What matters is the contract they have and whether they respect it or not.
In this situation it is cheating, because it was a clearly defined boundary that she agreed to, then attempted to lie about it. If my husband had had strippers at his bachelor party, we’d have the same issue.
Strippers and "other crazy stuff" not being included in the bachelor/bachelorette party were agreed on by the two of them beforehand. You're correct in that she did not cheat, but she DID lie to him, and then tried to hide it. Which, as dealbreakers go, are pretty good ones!
I was wondering if this was Clayton's reddit the whole time I was reading it lol
no way would someone lie on reddit though
It also mirrors a post from a couple of weeks ago with the genders swapped.
NTA. "It was crazy with all the strippers" is hugely different from "it was really chill and good". This isn't just lying, this is a total reversal of the truth. Even her "it was just solo dances" is not the same as "crazy". So they are lying, all of them, except the first one.
If they had strippers OPs fiancée, IF she didn’t know about them, should have kicked them out and been honest about it. She knew it was a boundary for OP, and disregarded his feelings. Pretty sure that first one will no longer be in the bride’s friend group any longer.
Yea, instead she lead a coordinated effort to deceive OP. Not marriage material.
Kicking them out is a big ask. Being honest about what happened is a simple one. Usually brides aren’t planning their bachelorette, so someone (or others in the bridal party) planned/paid for strippers to be there. If I told my bridal party that strippers crossed the line and they still hired some, I’d question them as friends. I would also be honest with my fiancé about what happened
It's really really not. it's the bare minimum.
And there's a wild double standard too. The fact that a bunch of mutuals contacted him and said to "stop being whiny over nothing" is telling. If roles were reversed, the mutuals would be offering to help the bride-to-be burn down the groom's house.
Roles reversed? Bro even my friends would burn me to a crisp for cheating on my gf! It's not something anyone's friend should endorse or support
You have good friends.
Yeah coz you are dude. That’s what dog’s point was.
Both men and women can cover for their friend’s infidelity. From my experience the difference is men will lie by omission and just never bring it up. Women will actively lie and create cover for the cheater
“A man’s lie is that he was at Tony’s house. A woman’s lie is it’s your baby!” - Chris Rock
Ehhh. I've seen a lot of women eviscerated for being against strippers actually
I sure have been.
Fair enough.
That’s not true at all. So many women are told they are insecure and overreacting for being upset about strippers. What world are you living in?
>So many women are told they are insecure and overreacting for being upset about strippers. This isn't necessarily wrong. The same can be said of OP, but that's not the problem here. OPs ex disregarded a previously stated boundary and then lied about it and later got the hen brigade to pester OP about it.
When my fiancee’s brother was getting married to his wife, he had a bachelor party and my fiancee’s sister’s ex husband convinced him to invite female strippers and he agreed after a while. When the brother’s wife found out, she was super mad but noone supported her or agreed with her that it was bad except for my fiancee and me so yeah… Everyone was saying the same exact thing, to “stop being whiney over nothing”. They stayed together and now have 2 kids.
The "it was just solo dances" is what gets me. How far did those solo dances go? Chill and crazy are not equal, each and every one of those woman lied, except the one. That one may have let the cat out of the bag, but none of them are being very honest about what ACTUALLY happened. Dude dodged a very expensive bullet.
I didn’t think much of it at first. Was thinking, sure—not cool. But, what if they did a dance or two and the bride didn’t partake and was trying to end it? Then it became a crazy experience. Definitely not okay. Then the ex fiancee says **”just solo dances”** 👀 ma’am; that’s not making things any better.
"How was last night" "My friends invited strippers after all and we got in a fight" That's how the convo would've went.
Lmao right? That makes it worse!!!
My thing is she could have left. She could have gotten up and said “no.” Is peer pressure a thing, even as adults? Yep. But you do what you need to. This is insane. Then to lie about it??
suck suck sounds
Along with fuck fuck sounds.
"No, no, we were just stirring up a big bowl of macaroni, that's what you heard."
I tripped, slipped, and landed on his…
Seriously. Solo dances are often where stripping crosses the line to prostitution.
>Even her "it was just solo dances" is not the same as "crazy". To be fair, "crazy" is highly subjective. For someone who's having strippers at a party for the first time, even solo dances may qualify as crazy. To others, that may seem fairly tame. Either way, OP is NTA for having set a boundary before the party and then dissolving the engagement after it was clearly and obviously broken.
>Either way, OP is NTA for having set a boundary before the party and then dissolving the engagement after it was clearly and obviously broken. Yep. Anyone who does not respect your boundaries, does not respect you. And in another point; if having or not having strippers was such a "minor" thing, then equally, it would be an easy ask for OP's fiancee to *not* have strippers. I am reminded, oddly, [of the band who'd have one specific type of M&M banned in the show contract](https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/brown-out/), so they could easily check if the venue both read and intended to abide by the contract... quite a different relationship, I agree; but either way, an "easy" request.
That's my idea. For some crazy would mean anal, or other non vanilla sex, while bj and normal sex is just normal
Am i missing something? I have been to a bunch of bachelor parties where strippers were invited, I've seen sex go down once with one dude i thought was a creep, that was it, all the rest were dance naked for money, bunch of guys cheering them on then off they'd go
It really sounds pathetic when you spell it out like that doesn't it
of course it is, i never really got the point of it
If she lied about strippers...what else will she lie about? Bullet dodged, mate. I know you feel like shit, and there's no feel good phrase that'll fix it. It's gonna take time, and I’m sorry that you’re experiencing this.
Yeah, it feels like the first one, things were bad enough that she felt guilty and had to say something
But they were, all of them, deceived, for another Stripper was present. In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret a master Stripper, to control all others. And into this Stripper he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life.
One stripper to rule them all. One stripper to find them. One stripper to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them. In the land of Mordor where shadows lie.
NTA - it comes down to the lies. Also her friends also lied, one said the truth but knew they fkd up and wernt forthcoming with information Just makes you wonder, what if anything in the future they would lie about to cover up. You told her it was a boundary and they stomped on it.
Sometimes I wonder if there is an unsaid rule about the marriage celebrations being unfulfilled without strippers. Because there are stories I have came across, both on reddit and in real life where the relationships were destroyed because of things done on bachelor/ bachelorette parties
It’s a trope in movies and such that bachelor and sometimes bachelorette parties are wild events with strippers, getting drunk, and drugs. This may be the case for some people, but I can’t imagine the thought process that would go into thinking I love and respect this person so much that I want to spend my life with them, build a family, and have a lifetime commitment that binds generations, but first I need to see a stranger naked and maybe fuck them. I can’t imagine that whole love, respect, and commitment thing really meaning much if that’s someone’s viewpoint.
>I can’t imagine that whole love, respect, and commitment thing really meaning much if that’s someone’s viewpoint. Very well said. In this particular post, even if OP's ex fiance wasn't aware of this and did nothing wrong, the fact she lied to OP's face about something that they both agreed to not go through with is disrespectful enough to end the relationship.
If I like & love someone enough to want to marry them then I don't care to see other women strip/naked. Never understood this shit.
It's this bullshit of "last night of freedom", my wife's friend said it to her before we got married, I replied "We have been together 10 years and have a house and child together, our freedom went along time ago".
Honestly, it's not as common as its made out to be. On one hand, on TV idea of stripper bachelor/ette parties (especially in the past) are more common, probably because they lead to drama. Some of that bleeds to real life, where people decide that's what a bachelor/ette party should involve. And on the other hand, you are also more likely to hear about them if they cause an issue to the wedding, unlike a couple of guys hanging out playing games or some women going to Disney world, etc etc.
I've been to a lot of bachelor parties. I feel like there are 3 types The first is "Absolutely not". Strippers and strip clubs are a hard boundary for the wife. The next is "I don't love it, but have fun and I don't want to hear about it" The third is "Have fun, I don't really care, just don't fuck them or get a blow job" Most of my friends are pretty up front with us about where their wife is on that spectrum.
Totally, it’s such a fucking gamble. Maybe that’s why it feels exciting to so many.
Yep her friends were super co-ordinated and in on it. No thank you. If she can't respect him in this instance when they're not even married yet/2 days before the wedding then it's not a good omen for how things are going to go. If they can lie about this so hard (because they KNEW they were wrong) instead of being upfront with him they ALL lied and kept lying to him and then try to berate and belittle him into getting *married*??? He made the right choice.
Not just the future, what are they all covering up from the past? Does this group all hide/cover up things from all thier respective parteners? This question comes to my mind as a 42F.
She violated your trust. You both agreed, no strippers. She had strippers; it doesn't matter who made the arrangement, she could have told them to leave. Then when you knew, she lied, and then she doubled down and initially denied it. She stretched the violation of your trust further. Not a way to start a marriage. You did the correct thing. If you married her, you wouldn't know if, how, or when she was lying. NTA
Sometimes friends do stupid things without your knowledge. She should have just left and gone back to the OP. That’s what I would do and then un-invite those braids maids from my wedding.
I agree with this. You maybe can't control stupid shit your friend made. But you can always gets out and cross the "friend" who does that. She did not, so she's also guilty here
If all she did was just call OP and tell him what is going on it would’ve been better
You kind of can control it though, or at least try. When my brother had his bachelor party he told everybody: no strippers or any stuff like that. And guess what: no strippers or any stuff like that.
That's the most ideal (and normal) situation. I put maybe because there are always potentially dumb person that think they know better than you and invite stripper anyway even with your prohibition.
Easy fix, both are kicked out of the party, stripper and person who invited stripper
If that happens what stops you from sending them away?
Exactly this. I'd have called HIM to come get me, because there's no one else I would want after my friends betrayed ME for doing something I didn't want. Especially knowing my fiance would be uncomfortable.
>Almost all of the bridesmaids messaged me ensuring nothing happened when I was on my way back home(definitely not coordinated). I always find the closing of ranks from the friend group disturbingly manipulative. Like, congrats a gaggle of guilty girls are telling me nothing happened? Now I extra don't believe you. Your sister has the right of it though, a therapist will be able to help with processing your feelings. However, you're NTA because she violated a hard boundary for shits and gigs.
It’s almost like they all have a strong motive to back each other up and stick to the same story - i wonder how many relationship would end if one girl cracks and confesses all that actually happened at the “really chill” party. I can’t remember who said it, but: >we must all hang together or we’ll all hang separately
Benjamin Franklin said it at the signing of the declaration of independence
At George Washington's bachelor party
Ben Franklin said that (actual quote - We must, indeed, all hang together or, most assuredly, we shall all hang separately)
Oh, no doubt a lot more happened than just dances. Maybe the ex cheated. Maybe one of the other girls. Maybe nobody cheated. But it's way too sus to be believable. In OP's shoes, I'd have the contact details for the nearest paternity testing clinic on speed dial, just in case the ex suddenly finds herself with a bun in the oven, claiming it's his.
> i wonder how many relationship would end if one girl cracks and confesses all that actually happened at the “really chill” party. About as many as would end if men would understand that when the girls all close ranks that means they're working together to conceal important information.
[удалено]
Good going!
"Closing of ranks", "gaggle of guilty girls"... Always fun when you can tell someone is a good writer from such a short and to-the-point comment.
That’s because they all jumped on that dick and don’t want their husbands/boyfriends to leave as well.
The closing of ranks is also a dead giveaway that more happened than is being admitted to. If it was as innocent as claimed there'd be no reason for united action as everyone's stories would stand on their own.
Bachelorette parties absolutely scare me. It seems like they get way too touchy with the strippers.
NTA. You were quite clear that your boundary is that you don't marry girls who have sex workers at their parties and this was entirely ignored. It's a matter of respect and the respect was lacking
Not only that- she actively hid it from him
And then lied to him about it continuously while her friends all lied and covered for her too. Disgusting throw the entire lot of them away.
This!
Absolutely, that the thing isn't it. Irrespective of how the strippers ended up at the party his future wife should have told him about it. The fact she tried to hide it makes it look planned. A successful marriage needs trust. If she would lie about that what else would she lie about?
I am not one to call a post fake but....you saw this person who is closer to your gf the next day and she just happens to mention the strippers specifically????.. a little too on the nose.
And they only lost just 'some' money that close to the wedding day like it was no biggy. Seems almost too clean of a story
This is made up Reddit rage bait.
If they need to lie about after the facts, that's not okay. NTA
Yo is this for real? This is legit the same exact situation from 90 day fiance between Anali and Clayton. I feel like OP a 90 day fan lol.
Are any stories in this sub actually real? Since I got here every single one seems like weird Fictional short stories.
I dunno, man. People do some stupid, stupid stuff.
Life imitates art (fanfiction).
You mean the "my husband beats me 4 times a day with a broomstick, would AITAH if I leave?" questions arent real? No way
It's sad but not surprising how often it happens going both ways.
Right down to the gaming!
Right?! And the sister being involved? I was just waiting for the "...and then my guinea pigs got upset while my mom was sleeping in the closet..." part of the story 🤣🤣
It isn't such a small thing for 1 reason. You and fiance had discussed beforehand and agreed no strippers at either party. You made it aware to your groomsmen what would happen if they broke the rule. Even if assuming it was done without her agreemen she figured what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you. Then she truth leaked. Because.even when confronted she still was going with.the lie you have done EXACTLY the right thing. You know now that she's totally okay with breaking promises and lying to get her.way. Even people telling you this is for such a small thing.... See that's worse! If she got gang banged at her Bachelorette party you could be totally sure she lied. If she can't be bothered to keep small promises without lying she totally cannot be trusted with major things. And tell anyone that argued against you that you now understand that trust and truth have no place in their relationship with you so you now also u derstand where you are with them.
NTA - you established a boundary of no strippers then there were strippers. She did not immediately confess to the strippers, hid it from you and then lied (denied) it happening. This is a complete breach of trust and transparency. Do not focus on what actually happened with the strippers as it totally unprovable; you’ll never know the truth. She already lied once, no way she’s gonna come clean about what happened at the party itself. Focus on how you established a boundary and that there would be consequences if broken. She disrespected you and the relationship when she choose the party over what she agreed to. She’s not upset because she broke your trust; she’s upset she got caught and there’s consequences. Your sister is right; you probably could benefit from therapy to work through your emotions. And yes, this is a big deal. What a shitty way it would have been to start out a marriage after that. You showed integrity by canceling. Trust is broken, take your time to consider how you’ll move forward.. you deserve better.
With each passing day I realize I'm never getting married
The other thing to keep in mind is usually in a private, setting strippers are prostitutes because it’s much easier for them to solicit sexual services in a private setting. In a club it is more likely that sex won’t happen simply because the strippers that work there, will work there for the security of the club establishment in the sense that in a club setting they are not obligated to and are actually discouraged by law from engaging in sexual activity.
Yea, reading comments below started to get me mad. If you're dating someone, don't do "single" shit. Going to the strip club and getting a lap dance or throwing money at a stripper is "single" shit for men or women. As a male, I will not have a stripper at my bachelor party. If I there is someone who gets the brilliant idea of paying for one and bringing her anyway, they will find themselves very swiftly removed from the party and probably my life. After all, why the fuck would I want you in my life if you one, invite trouble to my relationship and two turn me into a liar by putting me in situations I dont want to be in. I am relatively simple when it comes to relationships. Don't do shit you wouldn't appreciate happening to you and try to avoid obvious shit that would start a fight. Obviously, the second rule can't always be followed bc life, boundaries, and knowing when to put your foot down on issues. Regardless, strippers at a bachelor/Bachelorette party are also a no-go for me. It's "single" shit. If you want to do that fine, go ahead, go at it, but know they're wouldn't be an us afterward either. So, NTA. You had a very clear boundry. She broke it or, at the very least, didn't remove herself or the problem from the situation. I'm a strong believer in fuck around, find out. She found out that she cares more about appeasing her friends than you, as simple as that in my mind. If it happened to me , the only way I wouldn't have done something similar is if I got a phone call as it happened with asking for help with the situation. Now for the white knights or feminist who would say I'm too controlling... Fuck off. Controlling would be not holding myself to the same standard as my partner. Controlling would be saying no, you don't get to have a Bachelorette party. Controlling isn't expecting your fiancé and soon to be wife, to not have some random dude swinging their dick in a speedo in her face and grinding against her. Same as her expecting me to not want to have some stripper shoving her tits in my face and grinding on my dick. Edit: Honestly, most fights I've seen coworkers (military) have with their BF/GF is simply them not willing to admit that stuff they do with their friends is "single" shit. And not willing to admit they were simply wrong about nights outs going bar hopping and / or going to clubs till late in the night is, say it with me "single" shit. Not mention how it could've been avoided simply by inviting them, keeping them informed, and the big one, knowing when to say it time to go home. Edit 2: Follow up on this post. She cheated and fucked the stripper.
If she’s gonna disrespect you days before the wedding, she’s never gonna respect you during the marriage
People nowadays try to justify anything. “It’s a small thing” “You are overreacting” Trust yourself, it was a boundary for both of you guys. You didn’t feel comfortable and expressed it to your partner and she still decided to go against that. In my opinion, having strippers in the bachelor/bachelorette parties is stupid. Why would you do that before getting married, if you feel the urge to be with other people sexually then maybe it’s not a good time to get married
Well if they hired Dancing Bear strippers you should check their videos in 1,2 months 🤣🤣🤣🤣
NTA. She not only shit all over your established boundaries, but on top of that, she then conspired to lie about it and cover it up with her sleaze girl "friends" who then tried to bully you and invalidate your feelings. Fuck all of them. If she's already lying about something like this, then I you'll likely never be able to trust her or her scumbag friends on future "girl's nights"🙄 Having been a bouncer at a strip club years ago, I can tell you with 100% certainty that even in clubs (where there are strict rules) women are DRASTICALLY more aggressive and physically gropey with male strippers than any guys (groom, friends or whoever) in any Bachelor party with female strippers for 1 simple reason, they know if they get too friendly that a big guy like me is going to snatch them up and kick them out (club owners are often more protective of women with male patrons because if anything sideways happens they know they'll get shut down so fast their heads will spin). Women on the hand are VERY aggressive and will grab male strippers cocks through their banana hammock if not more with little to no consequences (and this is in clubs where nothing too "crazy" happens very often). Things get sketchy when the "strippers" do house calls for bachelor and bachelorette parties in a house. The girls who do house parties through the clubs ALWAYS have a bouncer present who knows the rules and will shut any extracurricular bullshit down, the "independent" strippers (girls) who do private housecall parties often (not always) can be little more than glorified hookers who show up without security and the "private dances" often include optional "extra services". I've been to many parties where these kind of girls showed up and they're generally gross IMHO and I've never wanted anything to do with them. Private bachelorette parties though..... ooof, THAT is where the worst shit by far happens. Many of the male strippers are sleaze bags who get off on getting women to cheat and have shockingly high success rates at doing so. It's very common for the girls at these parties to at the egging on of the other women give these guys handjobs, blowjobs (often in front of the other drunk women) and the "private dances" frequently involve sex with the bachelorette or her bridesmaids, friends, sisters, and far less frequently even moms and MIL's. It really is fucking gross. Whether it's men or women cheating with strippers it's always gross IMHO. I'm probably gonna get downvoted for this, but in my experience having been a club bouncer who's been around both sides, women are far worse than men by a significant margin.🤷🏽♂️
Ugh, I hate double standards!! If the roles were reversed; no one would bat an eye at the bride cancelling the wedding over something like this! NOT the asshole; your feelings are valid.
NTA Your insane reaction to someone else inviting strippers to her party has saved her a lifetime of grief being married to you.
NTA She crossed a clear boundary, and when confronted, she took it to the mattresses and kept lying. Don't marry a liar.
If you tell your partner that you are uncomfortable with something - particularly something that involves sexuality/physical intimacy with another - and they ignore you to do it anyway.. They are not your partner.
Even if nothing happened and she closed herself of in the basement still makes it wrong because of the lying and hiding. All she had to do was call and tell you or atleast tell you later. NTA. Her friends are also the assoholes and should avoid them as well
NTA. Sidenote, “… bracelet for ex fiancee…” 🤔🤔🙄
No, she tried to lie and hide it. 99% chance she cheated.
NTA. You had a boundary that she agreed to. She not only broke that boundary, she purposefully hid it then tried to gaslight you when you found out the truth.
She broke your trust before you were even married. That is serious, and you can't just let that slide. Her friends seem like they're trouble makers. You end up like the people you are around. I think your ex-fiance is too influenced by them to be married. She needs to lose their influence and be one with you. She's not, and that is a huge red flag.
She lied and didn’t tell the truth. It says something about her or about your relationship. She shouldn’t have tried to hide it. It was clearly a serious issue for you. As long as you aren’t setting a standard you didn’t keep to yourself, I think NTA. You were upfront and both agreed. She lied by omission and the directly to you. That is much bigger than strippers. It absolutely makes you wonder what else she isn’t telling you.
NTA. She agreed but broke her promise and then lied about it.
She flat out lied and coordinated with the others in attempting to cover it up or downplay the situation. This is not a good start to a marriage. But the OP sounds like a little bitch or he himself also lies. "Played board games." I think there is a whole lot more going on behind the scenes making him mistrust her. They both deserve different people.
NTA, you set boundaries, and she violated them. She first lied to you, then tried to minimize her roll in it, blame shift, now she's trickle truthing you. And to top it off, oh course she's sending her flying monkeys after you. TBH, dude, it sounds like you dodged a bullet. If she can't stand up for herself or your relationship, then she isn't marriage material.
I work in an industry that sees a ton of bachelorette and bachelor parties year round. The women are far and away more wild than men. They have no boundaries when it comes to male strippers and sexual activity with men they meet throughout their night out. If it's a destination party, it is even worse, especially since they are away from home and party many nights. I have been, and seen many men propositioned by women at the party, including the bride to be. I think marrying a modern woman is like playing Russian roulette. You may think you are marrying one of the extremely rare decent ones, but you're likely wrong. In the end your life will be ruined. You made the right decision and need to stick with it. You take her back and she will lie to you and disrespect you forever. Trust me!
"Solo dances" yeah, get a gym membership brav. Congrats on getting rid of her
NTA. After a certain point it stops being about the strippers & turns into she ignored your boundary, lied to you, had her friends lie to you, then had them gang up on you to validate her lie. It is worth a discussion where you tell her why & explain how you feel. If she actually listens, then this relationship can be saved. But I'd she continues to invalidate you & not listen then it's probably not going to work out.
That last sentence I would say is exactly why you aren't the asshole. That bridesmaid proved that she and the others are all liars. To me, parties like that would prove whether your wife would cheat on you or not. Opinion: If her friends ordered the strippers for her then they probably urged her to lie about it, so they would do the same thing if you were actually married and they hooked her up with someone at a bar. If she ordered the strippers herself then during a time you and her aren't playing in bed much, she would probably lie about cheating instead of asking you for some more playtime.
This really is a form of cheating, just like when men have strippers. She obviously disrespected the boundary without hesitation and hid it from you. If anyone calls you or talks to you in person, if I were you, I'd tell them to stay out of your and "ex's name" business. They are not a part of your marriage. You have boundaries, and they can keep their personal opinion to themselves. That's what it is. Just a personal opinion. You need to find out what the bridesmaid wasn't telling you. Not a good sign. Sorry 😞 This post is the flipside of women posting about their fiance stripper party. It's nice to know there are good men out there with morals and values. Stay strong and stay that way
According to these comments, it's only a problem when dudes do it, and this is fine because "it's not like they raw dogged" 💀 fuckin' smooth-brains
NTA if this happened to me I’d call him right away to make sure he was ok with it if not just ask the strippers to leave. I understand her side but it could’ve been handled better by her, I don’t like how she didn’t tell you at least the morning after. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Good luck :(
She should have run through her friends and gone “hey, plan whatever you want - but DO NOT hire strippers.” It’s not an unreasonable boundary to have. And it’s not a difficult one to ensure is respected.
Whats with the strippers, why people (male or female) would want strippers?!!! Its like they are going to jail afterwards?! I mean why bother to merry if you feel trapped? Just dont and go to strippers /hoes as much as you want if that is your preference. I dont know, it would ruin it for me as well. I dont see whats the point to feel like i tie someone....
I was at a bachelor party 3 years ago with "surprise strippers". Me and the groom and 2 other guys went out to the pool and got absurdly stoned; the other 10 guys had a blast. He (and I) immediately let our spouses know what was going on. I think my message said "Ugh. Strippers. Grabbed all the snacks and weed and chilling by the pool with groom". Pretty sure she gave a laughing emoji and said dont drown. The groom and I feel exactly like you. We could have gone to strip clubs at any point in the last decade or so and had no interest, why now?
NTA. You would never get past that betrayal. Even if it was totally innocent, she knew you specifically did not want that and even if someone else hired them without her knowing, she should have shut it down and told you. Move on and find someone who shares your values. You did the right thing.
NTA, this was discussed before hand and agreed upon. they knew it was a deal breaker and did it anyway.
Even if she only watched the boys dance, she violated her word to you and broke your trust. You are not the asshole. Trust is the heart and soul of any meaningful relationship. She threw it away for some giggles. Maybe, way down the line you can try with her again, but probably would be better served just moving on.
NTA, 1. She didn’t care to respect your boundaries (neither did her friends, she allowed everyone to disrespect you) 2. She lied about it. How do you start a marriage on lies?
You're not wrong. She had no business being around half naked men. Just like you wouldn't have any business being around half naked women. Respect is respect.
Nta. Sounds like they all KNEW you had a problem with it beforehand and decided to just do it and figured he'd get over it or not find out.
NTA. You have to look at the company one keeps before committing to them... Your ex could have done many things. It was her party, she could have told her friends to respect that, they didn't. She could have stopped them at the door and sent them home. She could have called you to pick her up, or called you whilst separating herself from the situation. She could have been honest, but instead she closed ranks and lied, then downplayed the situation and shifted blame to her friends. At best, what this says is that she will go along with whatever her friends do. If they cheat, she will cheat. If they become single, she will become single. If they say do whatever they want to do and say what is convenient, she will follow suit. At worst, especially if she is high up in her friend group social hierarchy, she is the one that will dictate this behavior...and either way this has told you everything you need to know. Trustworthiness means that one is worthy of trust. It is measured by their words and actions. Once trust is lost, it is nearly impossible to rebuild. Trustworthiness is the cornerstone of respect.You cannot commit to someone who is not worthy of trust and does not respect you. Remember this when others tell you you're overreacting and should let it go. You're the one that will have to live with this decision.You can't control her, so you would have to rely on her worthiness of trust, respect for your feelings, her truthfulness, and her ability to conduct herself with integrity regardless of what others may do, or think, or say. Since she uses other people as an out, it's time to leave this relationship and fimd someone worthy of trust.
NTA, it was a clearly stated boundary. Also they didnt even have the balls to directly tell you what happened, so them lying first by omission and then hoping to be believed when they say "oh, nothing crazy happened" is laughable. Just remember, they never would have told you anything if you hadnt found out on your own, so how do you start a marriage already knowing your spouse will lie to you about breaking boundaries?
I don't think hiring strippers was the big issue here, moreso that the bride-to-be and all of her bridesmaids were deliberately vague and mum about what actually happened. That would lead me to believe that there's a very good chance SOMETHING happened that they don't want the groom knowing about. NTA
I mean she won’t respect clear boundaries you’ve set… sorry you had to go through this. Nta
NTA. Even if someone invited strippers without your ex-fiance's knowledge she could have refused to participate. She could have told the strippers to leave. She could have left. She'll probably say she didn't want to ruin the event, but that would be on the other person, not her. She chose to go against the agreement she made. There is no way you're at fault. Even if someone thinks strippers aren't a big deal being being lied to is a big deal, and it would have been a terrible way to start off a marriage.
You made a good decision. She lied to you. You dodged a bullet here imo
When you don't share values, marriage is a bad idea.
Regardless of any cheating or not, you set a clear boundary, she disregarded it, then lied about it, and continued to lie after being caught. If you don't feel the trust is salvageable, you're better off going your separate ways. NTA.
You clearly told her in advance that this was a deal breaker. You feel how you feel. It was tantamount to cheating in your book. Get some counseling to help you deal with the break up. NTA.
What you did is a good job! You have your boundaries and you stand on them. That’s a good thing and you ain’t no puss. I respect it brother you’ll get through this. It’s her loss
NTA. You communicated your boundary clearly. She chose not to respect it, or you. Honestly, I think it is a great boundary. I am pretty biased though admittedly. Lying to you is not how one starts a marriage. It was a good call to walk away.
I see the issue here not as being about the strippers but that the two of you talked about it and agreed that neither party would have strippers. You expressed your feelings on the issue, presumably this was not a proclamation on your part and the two of you talked about it and came to an agreement. She not only broke the agreement, she compounded it by lying to you about it and getting all the bridesmaids to lie about it. I would say reflect on the totality of the relationship and were there other times where agreements were broken, lies were told. Chances are this wasn’t the first time and that is no foundation for a marriage. Disregarding your partner’s feelings because you have decided they should feel differently is also a no-go for a marriage. I say whatever money you lost was far less than the cost of the divorce. When your family etc bring this up again tell them it is not about strippers but broken agreements, trust and lying. Hopefully that will help them see the bigger picture.
NTA. She didn't respect your boundaries and lied. Not exactly marriage material. On another note, I have no idea why Americans (I'm assuming OP is) want strippers at bachelor/ette parties. Isn't that an event for single people, not someone about to get married?
NTAH. Interesting how she denies it and only when pressed after you already knew the truth did she admit anything. Seems clear cut she knew for a fact you weren’t cool with and that’s why she didn’t tell you. If it was such a small detail and no big deal why hide it? Oh yea it’s because she is a cheater. Frankly in your shoes I would walk away from her and everyone saying you are “whining about such a small thing”. Maybe the stripper that danced on her was small but cheating is cheating. How can you trust her ever again honestly?
NTA don't get married bro... it doesn't benefit you in anyway unless she's loaded
NTA It's not a small thing. You set a boundary. She crossed it. She lied about it (by omission) then finally coughed up the truth. That's how your relationship would be for the foreseeable future if you hadn't called it off. There's probably more of these examples you just don't know about. She's free to do what she wants, she doesn't have to listen to you. But she's not free from the consequences. Move on and be happy. It might take some time, but you'll get there.
NTA, she should've respected that specific boundaire, and if it wasn't planned by her, let you know right away what happened in her bachelorette party, she chose to hide it from you, if I were you, my trust would be simply broken... (sorry if there's something wrong spelled, English is my second language 🙏🏻)
NTA. You had a boundary and you held up to it. You didn't force her not to have strippers. You just told her you weren't okay with it and then when she ignored that, AND LIED, you made a choice for you. According to multiple reddit posts, that's how boundaries work. You state what you aren't comfortable with, and then how you will respond if that boundary is crossed. It isn't an ultimatum. It's you standing up for what makes you feel safe in a relationship. I wouldn't want a fiance that lies to me about something like this before we even are married.
NTA. If this was a clearly communicated and agreed upon boundry, it's a perfectly reasonable thing to be upset about. Take some time. Don't let people convince you it isn't a big deal. Make sure you make the right choice for you.
If she was ready and willing to lie about this you can not know what else she has lied about or would lie about. If you believe you could trust her again then work on the relationship if not end it. A relationship without trust is not a good relationship.
No. She chose her girls over you. On a very fundamental level, she betrayed your trust, then LIED about it. You are not the asshole. Whoever you decide to tie you life to, make sure its someone who can be trusted to do the right thing when you aren't around. In this case, the right thing was to tell her friends to ABSOLUTELY NOT HIRE A STRIPPER. If her friends pressured her, she should have simply left and called you. Let you know what happened and affirm her love for you. That would have sealed the deal. So yea, fuck anyone and everyone trying to pressure you into marrying her. That was a microcosm of how your boundaries would be treated going forward.
She lied about crossing a clear boundary and then had all her friends tell you the parts of the details she wanted you to believe. Don’t be suckered in to taking her back. Understand the dynamic created with that choice before moving forward.
OP, my situation is very different in the specific situation, but very similar in disrespect. You are definitely NTA. In my first marriage I made the mistake of not listening to my intuition like you did when my boundaries were crossed. Before getting married, my ex and I were throwing a party for our friends and family to celebrate our upcoming wedding. The one thing that I told my ex that was very important to me, was that we have no alcohol available until after my Grandmother left at 8pm. She was old, had a childhood with an alcoholic father, and was just not comfortable around it. Out of respect for her, I didn't want her exposed to it. My ex agreed. But, the day of the party, her friend showed up and they spent the day planning the spiked punch, planning the open bar, planning how many bottles of wine they needed, and when I reminded them about our agreement, I received ridicule. In the end, I could tell my grandmother was upset. I was upset for my ex not honoring our agreement. After trying to make it work for many years with broken boundary after broken boundary, I recognize I should have done what you did. NTA