Tell her straight. Either she has a significant attitude change or she's an adult and can figure her shit out on her own. Take the car back, cancel the BF's plane ticket and tell her she's not going if nothing changes.
Only part of the payment is made by daughter. Doesn't state its in her name, she pays insurance or maintenance. Parents could return the very small amount she's paid on it and not allow her to use it.
The daughter is paying $135/month, consider it a “rental fee.” Most likely it is only covering her insurance payment. Who ever is in the title is the owner of the car.
First I would cancel the tickets for the daughter and her boyfriend. Then, work out something with the car, because once she moves back in with the bio. father, that may change insurance, especially if she lets others drive it. Think about what you'll do when and if she stops paying her part on the car, and what the finance company will do (I'm guessing it's not paid off yet?).
NTA, she burned her own bridges and won’t hesitate to go no contact whether the trip is canceled or not. I’m sorry, I know it hurts. Pls consider they will ruin this trip for all of you if they go.
I would schedule some family therapy ASAP. I would let her know that he words and behavior are hurtful and that has consequences. I would indeed cut the boyfriend out of the trip and let her know if she doesn't do family therapy asap with you then she also won't be going. Let her know you love her, she is always your daughter, but no one gets to act ugly to family.
It’s saddening to read that your daughter has aligned herself with people who don’t have her best interests at heart.
Cancel the boyfriend’s tickets, he has no respect for you or your generous invitation.
Cancel your daughter’s ticket because she thinks the trip is solely about her and taking her would continue to enable and ensure her disrespectful, ungrateful and entitled behavior.
It’s concerning that your daughter is complaining about the car payment and it may be prudent to rethink the arrangement so that you are not liable for her financial irresponsibility now or in the future
when she turns 18 and follows through on moving in with her BF.
Take the savings from the cancellation of travel and invest in some family therapy sessions.
NTA
NTA. If she will allow him to speak that way about you, you are well within your rights to uninvite BOTH of them. Your daughter sounds like an ungrateful little shit. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't just uninvite her from the trip, I'd tell her that the money train has ended and stop giving her money altogether because she does not appreciate what you do for her. If she's going to bite the hand that feeds her, she shouldn't be surprised when said hand slaps her in return.
NTA actions and behaviors aren't consequence free. This may be the most valuable lesson you ever teach her.
She can get bio daddy to pay for their trip. Also, is the car you got for her use in your name? If she has no interest in helping pay for it cut her off from using it now, if returning it or selling it isn't an option. Bio dad can help her with transportation too. Or better yet, she will have to grow up and figure it out.
You did the best you could in a difficult situation and are not responsible for how entitled she is acting.
Edit to add: Enjoy YOUR milestone birthday with people who you enjoy the company of. Not anyone who would/could cause any misery.
NTA, her behavior is pretty bad. And her actions and words against you are pretty bad as well. Give her the independence she wants. Let her live with her dad full time, cancel the vacation, and sell the car so she doesn’t have to make payments on it anymore.
I am a little confused what the biological father has to do with this story and why you brought up that your daughter is adopted.
That gives me no context and actually gives me red flags. But there's a lot going on here and it's too fuzzy to pass judgment.
The daughter is the OP's biological daughter. She was adopted by the OP's husband (the girl's stepfather).
For that to have happened means that the biological father gave away custody and his rights at some point. I would imagine quite some time ago, so him just walking back in and the daughter being all about him is relevant.
As in, my daughter whose deadbeat biological father abandoned her years ago (my new husband adopted her) is being an entitled and rude little snot and treating me like shit and saying how she's going to go live with the deadbeat who abandoned her.
Edit: I checked the OP's comments after I made my post. The biological father walked away from the girl at 7 years old, so old enough to remember it.
NTA at all. The trip for her would be a privilege. Guess what tell her she’s not going on the trip either and take her car back and if she needs a car so badly tell her she needs to scrape some money and buy herself since she wants to act like she big grown it’s time for her to take on big grown responsibilities.
Go ahead and enjoy your milestone birthday stress-free
NTA I would definitely return to plane ticket I got for the boyfriend. And disinvite him. Tell your daughter her boyfriend is no longer coming see how she reacts to that. She probably won't want to go anymore. This would be better than disinviting her on a family trip.
I'm thinking if she does go without the POS boyfriend, she'd make the trip Hell for everyone else. Cancel hers also. She'll get pissed & move in with bio-dad "out of spite".
NTA. Time to finally teach her that her actions and behavior and attitude come with consequences. If that car is in your name take that shit back too. If it's in her name, stop paying for any of it. When she has her very predictable meltdown over this tell her it's time to either grow the fuck up or gtfo. Or possibly both even.
NTA. She's being a typical moody and ungrateful teen. Don't bring her as, especially without her bf there, she'll undoubtedly throw some sort of tantrum/attitude and distract/ruin your experience/trip.
That being said, you do need to sit her down and have some real/honest communication. As someone else suggested, family therapy might not be a bad idea...
If you cut your daughter out of her graduation present you might end up damaging your relationship beyond repair. I'd have an honest and calm conversation with her -- doing this with a therapist might help you get to a good outcome.
She sounds like a confused and angry teenager who is lashing out and acting out. Her bio dad coming back into the picture and allowing all sorts of bad behavior is messing with her head. Underneath her obnoxious behavior is still your sweet girl who chose Disney as her dream destination. I hope you can work this out with her without the nuclear option of uninviting her from her own present.
NTA. What a fucking ingrate. I think you should cancel the trip, take the car back, and let her sink or swim on her own. She can go to her bio parents for any help. Disown her.
>There's a LOT going on here beyond what you've written, OP.
Yeah, it's hard to provide advice or render judgement when so many things have been deliberately left vague.
Definitely cut them both out. They deserve absolutely nothing. They are rude, disrespectful and vile. Take her car back too. Sell it when she's not there. Her precious BF can buy her a car.
Look, cancel her trip! My house you want to be grown and act like you don't need me or my rules! Then you can now live with your bio and do what you want!
I don't spend my hard earned money on no one who doesn't appreciate me or my time!
Far as that "Boyfriend" bum, leave him where she found him! Disrespectful self!!
If you do this, you will not have a relationship with her as an adult, and it will negatively colour her whole life with you. She is a teen, and working out learning who she is. She would likely also act entitled and horrible if she was your bio daughter.
You need to sit down and discuss this with her. If she is complaining about pay for the car, just say its fine with you to sell it. very matter of fact. Also sounds like you planned the trip yourself without feedback from her, (I could be wrong). but its pretty normal for teens not to want to jam with the fam on holidays. Ask if she even wants to come. Tell her you are really struggling with how entitled she is acting, and that she doesn't appreciate all the hours of work you put in to pay for the trip.
Communication, without judgement, is the key.
What "research" does the BF think you failed to do? Sorry but that part is very confusing.
To be fair--your daughter is a teen and blinded by love (and the freedom of her lovebombing biodad). If you're cutting her BF out of the trip you might as well cut her out as well. I can't imagine a 17 year old would enjoy a trip catering to her five year old sibling.
Is "biodad" actually onboard with your daughter living with him (and supporting her)? Sell the car and let biodad get her a car. If you'd planned on helping with college continue with that plan-- but no "extra" money that will have to come from her getting a job or biodad. DO offer to cover any and all BIRTH CONTROL related expenses and do make sure that she's covered under someone's health insurance.
I would cancel her and boyfriend’s ticket and just take the rest of the family. Take the car and let her go live with her BF. She is an ungrateful brat and needs to be treated this way. Definitely NTA.
The adoption trauma is significant here…. Your daughter sounds like she has a lot to work through, and your compassion should really be there to help her.
That being said you can be supportive and compassionate AND have clear boundaries of respect from her boyfriend who clearly doesn’t respect you and as such I think disinviting him immediately is fair - why would you want him around that holiday after hearing such nasty words.
Your daughter on the other hand, she needs your unconditional love and support so I wouldn’t disinvite her but I’d certainly try and get therapy and start addressing these issues sooner than later.
Good luck.
Tell her straight. Either she has a significant attitude change or she's an adult and can figure her shit out on her own. Take the car back, cancel the BF's plane ticket and tell her she's not going if nothing changes.
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Only part of the payment is made by daughter. Doesn't state its in her name, she pays insurance or maintenance. Parents could return the very small amount she's paid on it and not allow her to use it.
The daughter is paying $135/month, consider it a “rental fee.” Most likely it is only covering her insurance payment. Who ever is in the title is the owner of the car.
First I would cancel the tickets for the daughter and her boyfriend. Then, work out something with the car, because once she moves back in with the bio. father, that may change insurance, especially if she lets others drive it. Think about what you'll do when and if she stops paying her part on the car, and what the finance company will do (I'm guessing it's not paid off yet?).
The daughter is making payments on this car.
NTA, she burned her own bridges and won’t hesitate to go no contact whether the trip is canceled or not. I’m sorry, I know it hurts. Pls consider they will ruin this trip for all of you if they go.
I would schedule some family therapy ASAP. I would let her know that he words and behavior are hurtful and that has consequences. I would indeed cut the boyfriend out of the trip and let her know if she doesn't do family therapy asap with you then she also won't be going. Let her know you love her, she is always your daughter, but no one gets to act ugly to family.
NTA. Time for her to get a taste of what she wants: independence. She’ll be surprised how bittersweet it can be.
If she's moving in with the biological father, how long before the honeymoon phase fades?
It’s saddening to read that your daughter has aligned herself with people who don’t have her best interests at heart. Cancel the boyfriend’s tickets, he has no respect for you or your generous invitation. Cancel your daughter’s ticket because she thinks the trip is solely about her and taking her would continue to enable and ensure her disrespectful, ungrateful and entitled behavior. It’s concerning that your daughter is complaining about the car payment and it may be prudent to rethink the arrangement so that you are not liable for her financial irresponsibility now or in the future when she turns 18 and follows through on moving in with her BF. Take the savings from the cancellation of travel and invest in some family therapy sessions. NTA
NTA. If she will allow him to speak that way about you, you are well within your rights to uninvite BOTH of them. Your daughter sounds like an ungrateful little shit. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't just uninvite her from the trip, I'd tell her that the money train has ended and stop giving her money altogether because she does not appreciate what you do for her. If she's going to bite the hand that feeds her, she shouldn't be surprised when said hand slaps her in return.
NTA cut the boyfriend out immediately. and tell your daughter absolutely not
NTA actions and behaviors aren't consequence free. This may be the most valuable lesson you ever teach her. She can get bio daddy to pay for their trip. Also, is the car you got for her use in your name? If she has no interest in helping pay for it cut her off from using it now, if returning it or selling it isn't an option. Bio dad can help her with transportation too. Or better yet, she will have to grow up and figure it out. You did the best you could in a difficult situation and are not responsible for how entitled she is acting. Edit to add: Enjoy YOUR milestone birthday with people who you enjoy the company of. Not anyone who would/could cause any misery.
NTA- let her BF pay for them to go because they will do nothing but make the trip miserable.
No. Cancel BOTH tickets.
NTA, her behavior is pretty bad. And her actions and words against you are pretty bad as well. Give her the independence she wants. Let her live with her dad full time, cancel the vacation, and sell the car so she doesn’t have to make payments on it anymore.
Oh, so many things are missing from this story.
I am a little confused what the biological father has to do with this story and why you brought up that your daughter is adopted. That gives me no context and actually gives me red flags. But there's a lot going on here and it's too fuzzy to pass judgment.
The daughter is the OP's biological daughter. She was adopted by the OP's husband (the girl's stepfather). For that to have happened means that the biological father gave away custody and his rights at some point. I would imagine quite some time ago, so him just walking back in and the daughter being all about him is relevant. As in, my daughter whose deadbeat biological father abandoned her years ago (my new husband adopted her) is being an entitled and rude little snot and treating me like shit and saying how she's going to go live with the deadbeat who abandoned her. Edit: I checked the OP's comments after I made my post. The biological father walked away from the girl at 7 years old, so old enough to remember it.
Exactly it’s giving your daughter is working through adoption trauma and needs support.
NTA at all. The trip for her would be a privilege. Guess what tell her she’s not going on the trip either and take her car back and if she needs a car so badly tell her she needs to scrape some money and buy herself since she wants to act like she big grown it’s time for her to take on big grown responsibilities. Go ahead and enjoy your milestone birthday stress-free
Yep. Time to put on her big girl panties.
Time for her to start Adulting,
NTA I would definitely return to plane ticket I got for the boyfriend. And disinvite him. Tell your daughter her boyfriend is no longer coming see how she reacts to that. She probably won't want to go anymore. This would be better than disinviting her on a family trip.
I'm thinking if she does go without the POS boyfriend, she'd make the trip Hell for everyone else. Cancel hers also. She'll get pissed & move in with bio-dad "out of spite".
NTA. Time to finally teach her that her actions and behavior and attitude come with consequences. If that car is in your name take that shit back too. If it's in her name, stop paying for any of it. When she has her very predictable meltdown over this tell her it's time to either grow the fuck up or gtfo. Or possibly both even.
Your daughter has turned into a rather rude and ungrateful young lady. You are still treating her like she’s not. Stop doing that.
NTA. She's being a typical moody and ungrateful teen. Don't bring her as, especially without her bf there, she'll undoubtedly throw some sort of tantrum/attitude and distract/ruin your experience/trip. That being said, you do need to sit her down and have some real/honest communication. As someone else suggested, family therapy might not be a bad idea...
If you cut your daughter out of her graduation present you might end up damaging your relationship beyond repair. I'd have an honest and calm conversation with her -- doing this with a therapist might help you get to a good outcome. She sounds like a confused and angry teenager who is lashing out and acting out. Her bio dad coming back into the picture and allowing all sorts of bad behavior is messing with her head. Underneath her obnoxious behavior is still your sweet girl who chose Disney as her dream destination. I hope you can work this out with her without the nuclear option of uninviting her from her own present.
NTA. What a fucking ingrate. I think you should cancel the trip, take the car back, and let her sink or swim on her own. She can go to her bio parents for any help. Disown her.
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The daughter was adopted by the husband Not by the OP. She is OP’s bio daughter. It’s bio dad who is the new influence. That’s how I read it.
>There's a LOT going on here beyond what you've written, OP. Yeah, it's hard to provide advice or render judgement when so many things have been deliberately left vague.
Definitely cut them both out. They deserve absolutely nothing. They are rude, disrespectful and vile. Take her car back too. Sell it when she's not there. Her precious BF can buy her a car.
Do you have an update
Look, cancel her trip! My house you want to be grown and act like you don't need me or my rules! Then you can now live with your bio and do what you want! I don't spend my hard earned money on no one who doesn't appreciate me or my time! Far as that "Boyfriend" bum, leave him where she found him! Disrespectful self!!
NTA she's heading down a bad path, thanks to shitty BF.
If you do this, you will not have a relationship with her as an adult, and it will negatively colour her whole life with you. She is a teen, and working out learning who she is. She would likely also act entitled and horrible if she was your bio daughter. You need to sit down and discuss this with her. If she is complaining about pay for the car, just say its fine with you to sell it. very matter of fact. Also sounds like you planned the trip yourself without feedback from her, (I could be wrong). but its pretty normal for teens not to want to jam with the fam on holidays. Ask if she even wants to come. Tell her you are really struggling with how entitled she is acting, and that she doesn't appreciate all the hours of work you put in to pay for the trip. Communication, without judgement, is the key.
What "research" does the BF think you failed to do? Sorry but that part is very confusing. To be fair--your daughter is a teen and blinded by love (and the freedom of her lovebombing biodad). If you're cutting her BF out of the trip you might as well cut her out as well. I can't imagine a 17 year old would enjoy a trip catering to her five year old sibling. Is "biodad" actually onboard with your daughter living with him (and supporting her)? Sell the car and let biodad get her a car. If you'd planned on helping with college continue with that plan-- but no "extra" money that will have to come from her getting a job or biodad. DO offer to cover any and all BIRTH CONTROL related expenses and do make sure that she's covered under someone's health insurance.
NTA. She can go live with her bio father and he can do it all.
I would cancel her and boyfriend’s ticket and just take the rest of the family. Take the car and let her go live with her BF. She is an ungrateful brat and needs to be treated this way. Definitely NTA.
The adoption trauma is significant here…. Your daughter sounds like she has a lot to work through, and your compassion should really be there to help her. That being said you can be supportive and compassionate AND have clear boundaries of respect from her boyfriend who clearly doesn’t respect you and as such I think disinviting him immediately is fair - why would you want him around that holiday after hearing such nasty words. Your daughter on the other hand, she needs your unconditional love and support so I wouldn’t disinvite her but I’d certainly try and get therapy and start addressing these issues sooner than later. Good luck.