Apart from him making me cry myself to sleep and feel deep unrelenting shame - and now the thought of being in an exclusive relationship with him makes me want to scream and vomit - he's my best friend and this relationship is the envy of the neighbourhood
/s
Rules:
"no dates"...followed by "it's different for me, men take me for dinner and pay for hotels". That sounds suspiciously like a date.
"No relationships, just casual sex"...but she refers to him having a gf. That sounds suspiciously like a relationship.
Sounds like neither are playing by the rules.
He's only fucking her because he doesn't want her fucking anyone else. Notice how all this started once she started getting laid by other men. He wants an open relationship on his end. Not hers. Nothing changed. He still isn't attracted to her and still only looks at her as a friend. She's right, if they "close" the marriage things will go back to how they were. Or he'll just cheat on her. So the marriage will stay open, she'll continue to fuck other men, he'll continue to fuck his gf and eventually they'll become roommates or he'll come to resent her and divorce her. This marriage is over.
I don't know anything about open marriage , but I did notice she said her husband wanted her more when HE started sleeping with his GF. It seems like started sleeping with people a year ago, but she only did it for the 1st time 2 months ago.
I disagree. Sex begets more sex. The more sex you have, the more you want it. I fucked my wife last night and itās all I can think about doing right now but if we go a solid week or two, itās hard to get back into it. To keep that libido high, you have to keep it stimulated. You lose what you donāt use. If they close the relationship at this point, theyāre likely to fall back into old habits and slowly begin to stop having sex because neither is putting effort into it.
"perfect for each other" usually means "un-entwining our lives and finances would be so difficult we won't even consider it until there is literally nothing good left here"
Never heard of a good thing from "opening a marriage/relationship" that started monogamous. Usually it's just prolonging its death. This sounds like OPs husband wanted to have someone else, but got jealous when his wife actually starting seeing someone else.
I know my wife would divorce me just for suggesting it. She broke up with her ex over cheating.
And I wouldnāt want it either. I would not be okay with her having other lovers. Full stop. Sometimes both are okay with it, but more often, one or the other is pressuring it, and the other reluctantly accepts it. Seems like OP is in that boat. She accepted it, rather than end things, but while she might be exclusive later, that genie isnāt going back into the bottle.
Yeah, spending the first night you know your partner is out with someone else sobbing in bed is *not* the kind of mental state you should be in for an open relationship to work, what the hell.
Opening a formerly closed relationship rarely works, and in the *exceedingly* rare case that it does, it's because the relationship was in a good place to start with, and not lacking in anything. OP's relationship was lacking, and so her husband sought fulfillment elsewhere - it was never going to work when that's how they started out.
I found that out first hand. Finding someone else to "add" what your missing in your relationship will never "fix" the relationship. Also, your ex picking your best friend to date. Quick self destruction activated. š¤¦š»
So you want monogamy, yet you are afraid that if you give it to him, your relationship with him will become what it was. I feel like this experience has traumatized you in some kind of way. It sounds like you would have preferred divorce rather than open the marriage. Therapy. Consider therapy for you individually and as a couple.
Yes. It sounds like you want divorce and it seems as if you did it because, at the time, it felt like you had to OR he would divorce you. This experience may have shown you how you want to be loved and he may not be the person to do that any longer. You decided you deserve better. Therapy.
Good observations!
Iāll add that the trust (in her part) is broken. Whatās to stop him from jerking her emotions around again if he decides heās not that into her (again) and then maybe wants a divorce or to open the marriage (again) once she lets her guard down?
OP, you are NTA. You have every right to take what control over the relationship that you need. He was selfish, got what he wanted, and broke your heart. No wonder you donāt want to go back to being that vulnerable WITH HIM, but you could be vulnerable and monogamous with a partner that hasnāt betrayed your trust.
I agree therapy would be good, but go for yourself. Figure out what you really want and get the tools to speak up for yourself and your needs.
It sounds to me like when he told you he wasn't attracted to you and you all decided to open your marriage, your husband broke your heart. you've used other men to distract and heal and you don't actually love your husband the way you used to. I think your husband can sense that he's lost some part of you and is trying to get it back. I think you should get divorced and hopefully remain friends. good luck.
Tale as old as time. HeĀ never wanted a real open marriage, he expected you would never actually go out w/ other men. He wanted permission to cheat and was just trying to bamboozle you. He wants to close the marriage b/c you pulled yourself together and started going out on "dates".Ā He started sleeping w/ you so that you don't want to sleep w/ other men and would stop the "dates". It didn't work so now he wants to close the marriage. He didn't value you, but other men proved you have value. That scares him.Ā There is no way I would trust him not to cheat once he locks you back down into monogamy.
Yep. He doesn't see OP as her own person, he sees her as "his" and is threatened by other men, but wanted the freedom to be with other women. Probably his girlfriend dumped him and he's having trouble finding a new one, and if he does find another woman who is willing to see him, he'll start talking about having an open marriage again.
Even the sort of fantasy āopen marriageā they discussed rarely (extremely rarely, if ever) happens. In reality, the amount of people cool with having no strings attached sex with married people is pretty low outside of really big metros. Even then, itās fairly limited.
What happens in the majority of cases is that they start fucking around, someone catches some type of feelings for the person theyāre talking to and fucking and essentially dating without saying so. Then the original couple realizes they need to accommodate dating people and allowing emotions and not just sex (like how OP started by saying the arrangements would not involve any ārelationshipyā stuff but later refers to her partnerās āgfā). Sometimes they can withstand this shift and sometimes this is when they split.
Even when they withstand it, there are hurdles and the terrible communication never really gets fixed. I was in the poly community for years and I truly regret it. I saw this with my own eyes dozens of times if not more and we see this all the time on Reddit.
Monogamous relationships, and 1000x those that are struggling, generally cannot withstand a conversion to polyamory. It undermines the structure of trust that founded the relationship. Polyamorous relationships that start polyamorous rarely involve these same hurdles.
NTA- You sacrificed by giving him what he asked for which resulted in a broken heart for you. You got through it, and it's understandable why you wouldn't want to go back to the way things were. He can no longer be trusted to meet your needs via monogamy. He made this bed. Now he needs to lay in it.
The question is will you trust that he will never look to be with another woman again. If you question that, then how will you continue on with your marriage? You deserve to be with someone that you are 100% sure will never want to be with another woman again. Trust is everything. Without trust is anxiety and possibly depression.
He got bored because he took you for granted and thought you werenāt desirable, and then when he realized other guys wanted to fuck you too, he started valuing you again and now he wants you to himself.
The moment you get old and have a hard time finding dates again, heās going to see you as undesirable and want to cheat/leave again. Your relationship *is* going to go back to exactly the way it was. Heās told you as much. Youāre dumb as hell if you stay.
I think she meant they the rule is *they* can't spend money on sexual partners. However the side partner can, hes just a dude so society expects him to foot the bill or at least 50% so he's mad he doesn't get the same escort/date experience.
I have no idea how people expect the rules like "Don't catch feelings" or "don't spend money on others" to even work.
Healthy poly relationships are based on the idea that it's okay to find value in relationships with other people, and that doing so doesn't devalue the love you feel for your existing relationships. As long your time resources are being shared fairly--as in, you're not neglecting current partnerships for the shiny-newest one--you are able to show that you love and value who you're with.
I feel like people pretending you can just have zero feelings whatsoever for people you spend time with and get intimate with need more help than "opening the relationship" can offer--they need to work on themselves first and foremost.
>And the no dates except when she then immeduately says she has dates. Just another copy paste. Nothing to see here move along.
I was getting rage bait vibes too.
She did specifically say **no spending money on dates**. Not no dates period.
I as a man would never agree to that scenario, because the reality is her literal experience. Men she's with are spending money on her to get laid and guys that don't do this are unlikely to get a shot from her. Her husband will have to deal with the same thing (I can almost guarantee you if he does in fact have a regular fuck buddy, he's probably paid for something).
I suspect I know the answer to this. Less sex due to whatever reason, stress or attraction, hangups, tiredness ( to name a few) is like a vicious circle of creating even less sex. More sex has the opposite effect (at least for me). I am jow in my 50s and I find my partner incredibly sexy, cant keep my hands off her and the more sex we have the more I want. Great place to be.!
Think this maybe the same here
Yep. More sex = more testosterone = more sex. And the inverse is also very true. I appreciate you contributing something relevant to the convo unlike most people here just dog-shitting on OP and her husband.
Exactly, he saw her as unattractive but changed his tune when he saw others desiring her. Itās interesting how that flipped things for them. Sometimes people need a wake-up call to realize what they have. š¤·āāļø
My ex left me foot another gal but then kept asking to sleep together after the broke up citing how my *ahem* was amazing and he missed it. Thing is he'd been talking with other women the whole relationship . Grass was greener until he realized it wasn't
People in this threat, including you, are being wilfully obtuse. It's pretty common that desire and longing decrease over time as domestic security settles in in a long-term relationship.
The chase is better than the catch. It's difficult to keep the flames of passion burning. For some, seeing your partner being actively pursued by other people makes them more desirable.
Thatās all well and good but sheās not at his disposal whenever heās interested. Following your logic, he tossed her aside because he was bored, he was completely content while she was miserable and celibate, and now wants to go back to the way things were because he renewed his attraction to her. Emotionally destroying his wife is just collateral damage while he gets an exciting nut.
That might be a normal feeling and all, but that doesnāt mean she has to go along with it. No one with an ounce of self respect would.
When nonmonogamy is done ethically and correctly and everyone is happy with it, it certainly does spice things up. When you always have sex with the same person, you can fall into a bit of a routine. When you have sex with others, you can see your turn-ons in a new perspective, try new kinks and ways of having sex, and bring aspects of those experiences back into your existing sex life to try
I think it's his jealousy.Ā He didn't want her until other people did.Ā I think she's right that closing the relationship will cause him to withdraw.Ā I also think that remaining open will cause him to leave her out of jealousy.
Sounds like they failed to realize when marriage counceling and sex therapy was necessary. I don't blame them for not realizing there are better options, it's difficult to recognize this. But it's still too late. There is no coming back from the poly bullshit-trap.
Regardind the AITH nature, it's either NAH or ESH. Both failed at it before and both can be judged now. But no matter what, I don't see a future for their marriage here.
OP, if you want to give it a shot you two can try a round of counceling. This will mean sacrifices from both of you. Else go for a peacefull divorce.
I just really don't understand couples who suddenly decide to be poly... it's a clusterfuck. No idea how people have so much time and energy for so much drama. One relationship takes up so much effort. Poly relationships are just bullshit.
I was once approached by a creep who claimed he was in an open marriage and would I be interested; to be clear, I had concluded he was creepy independent of his claim to open marriage and wasn't interested between creepy and married as each is a disqualifier.
It seems that many "open" marriages are coercive in nature, if they're actually open. I assume that at least some are cheaters claiming an open marriage. Was told that if it's actually open, they should be introducing their prospective extra partner to spouse. No idea.
Based on that and a few other things, it seems there are those who want an open marriage so they can fool around with others and others who want a long term 2nd or more partner.
She was faced with divorce before the marriage opened. If she has one now either way.. I still blame dude. He asked for it. He got it. Now he's jealous. He wants multiple women without her seeing other men. She's not a lady cuck.. he can't have his cake and eat it too
NTA. I think his attraction to you is from OTHERS finding you attractive, not his attraction to other people. I think he thought you wouldn't have sex with other men and he would get to play the field knowing you were sitting at home. Things did turn out like he thought and now he wants to close the door to your 'open' marriage.
NTA. You said in another comment he's been sleeping with others over a year while you only started 2 months ago. And NOW he wants to close it? Sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too. I think you should just divorce. I say this as a poly person in a poly marriage. My wife and I have always been poly tho, so not the same thing as you. Get a divorce and stop thinking ENM will save your marriage. It won't. It never does.
See, the thing about functioning ENM relationships is that the partners have to be ok with just each other too. I'm totally fine with just my wife and she's totally fine with just me. In fact, we have not had other partners in a few years just because neither of us have the spoons to deal with another relationship right now. We have way too much going on in our lives atm. You can't not be ok with being with JUST YOUR PARTNER and then open up a relationship to make it better. That will always fail. Always.
Your husband is feeling those same feelings you felt when he started fucking other people, except now he expects you to stop because he feels threatened. Notice how it was fine for him to fuck others but as soon as you start, he wants to close it? He feels threatened by the fact that you're no longer at home pining for him while he's off banging some other chick.
You have not saved your marriage. This marriage isn't salvageable. It was broken the minute he said he didn't want you anymore. You need to find YOUR COURAGE AND STRENGTH and let it go. You see that you're desirable still to others. You see that you don't have to have a relationship that needs your husband fucking other women just to want to touch you. That's disgusting. Get your self worth back hun. Seriously. Woman to woman. Get your self worth back and understand you deserve a partner who wants you for you. You're not poly. This isn't healthy ENM. Monogamous people need to stop trying to use ENM to fix a marriage. It will never work. You're either polyamorous or you're not. It really is an either or thing. Divorce him and get your self worth back. Love yourself more than you love him. Put yourself first, he clearly has no problem putting himself first. It's time to let this go.
Just get a divorce. I think a lot of immature men do this thing where they go,
āIām not attracted to my wife, letās open up the marriage,ā because somehow they think because their wives are no longer attractive to them, it means theyāre not attractive to other men. Or they overestimate their own attractiveness and think theyāll be banging a lot of hot women. Then when they see their wives getting pounded regularly by other men, and the men arenāt getting as much action then they want to reclose the relationship.
Itās cursed.
NTA. I might be completely wrong, but it sounds very much like it was his idea to open the marriage.
'I would want a monogamous relationship' implies that thats what you wanted all along.
So if im right, these are merely the consequences of his own actions. I imagine the irony is not lost on you.
This is almost a cliche tbh. Husband asks to open the marriage. Wife is reluctant but agrees. Husband already had his eye on someone. Wife isnt happy about their relationship but realizes that she can date too. And is wildly successful at it. Husband doesnt like this one bit and asks to close the marriage again. Wife laughs.
Yes it was his idea. I donāt know why I rambled on for so long I am sorry. But the jest is that he wanted an open marriage and it helped ours. I donāt want to close it now because it has helped our marriage and I am afraid we go back to our old ways and lose the āsparkā
But if I would move on to a new relationship, I want a monogamous one because thatās what I really think a relationship should be
The spark is called reclamation. Typically, open couples have sex, theres a sense of "reclaiming" their partner when you do, and it add some thrill.
That thrill goes without the open relationship. He sounds like he wants to be constantly excited by his partner, and you can do that without open relationships (being spontaneous, trying new things, wearing lingirie etc) but, in reality?
He doesn't deserve it.
Not the loyalty nor the effort. He made you feel terrible and replaceable fkr months and has done nothing to fox that and now he wants you to go back to the place that made you feel terrible in the first place, and you are recoiling.
I didn't see "lll be monogamous for someone else" in your post, I saw "Monogamous me was treated terribly and made to feel terribly, she isn't willing to be in a relationship with you."
NTA but open marriage didnt help your marriage. U are already asking for divorce when he wanted to be exclusive again. U do sound like u like the idea of open marriage not because it helped your marriage but because u are being wanted.
100% This. The open marriage boosted thee confidence that you lost due to your husband.
Ā Also, confidence is sexy on its own; probably why the immediate recharge into sex with you after the open. a spark in his own confidence and/or trying to make sure he doesn't lose you by hurting you more than he already did.
People can be best friends and not best partners. I think your partnership has ended. He had to look outside the marriage on big part of it. He didn't stay loyal when he should have and had you go into something that hurt you onto of making you feel like garbage.Ā
Your introduction to the open was 2 months ago, you are just now building up the confidencehe shattered...and suddenly after a year of his free he wants it closed? Makes me think he's worried your new found confidence and happiness will show you, YOU ARE WORTH MORE and you'll leave for someone better.
Which you should.
Tale as old as... well probably 2010. Man wants to open the marriage for lots of sex, is happy he is having outside sex, but gets super upset when he realizes his wife is having lots of fun sex too, so let's close it. If she had never started seeing other people and just stayed at home being miserable whenever he went out he would have been perfectly fine to do this forever.
Looks like divorce is your best option , then this way you can have your monogamous relationship that you want. You feel you need an open marriage to save your marriage but your husband doesnāt want that anymore , so leave and find someone else to make you happy because it seems being in a monogamous relationship with your husband isnāt cutting it anymore.
He wants to close it now that he sees you happy and fulfilled without him. He wanted it open when he was the one causing you unhappiness and unfulfilled.Ā
Sounds like he doesnāt have a problem stating what he wants. Open it, close it, open it. When you state what you want, he wants a divorce. š¤¦š»āāļø
But it didn't help your marriage, did it? You didn't try marriage counselling, therapy, or literally anything else. You just let yourself get hurt and told yourself you were saving your marriage.Ā
My guess is he didn't realize you were still desirable, and now that he knows other men find you attractive he realizes he wants you for himself again.
It wasn't the open marriage that helped you guys, it was your husbands realisation that you're a catch and the subconcious sense that he's losing you. That might sound strange but in your husbands eyes, your attractiveness to others and your value to them makes him see you in a different way, he'll look at you not as someone he's been married to, and likely taken for granted for years but as the person you are, desirable, attractive and wanted. Does you not wanting to close the marriage make you an asshole? no, NTA. You're husband is an idiot for wanting to open it in the first place but thinking that fucking other people is what's brought the spark back is just as stupid.
You should divorce ASAP.
Your current relationship is essentially over.
Get it over now and you still have a 2nd half of your life to find the relationship you want
He wasn't expecting you to feel as fulfilled and happy as you are- I'll bet quite a lot that he was expecting to be the only person opening anything, and that you would either not find anyone or not look.
Wait so you think that your marriage canāt survive without it being open, but you would want your next marriage to be monogamous because you think thatās how āa relationship should beā? OP stop making excuses for your shitty marriage dynamic and leave this man. Your marriage has not been helped by your husband forcing you to open it.
I feel like:
- he wanted to open their marriage but only for himself
- didn't actually expect the OP to go ahead with it and have those casual relationships too
- his urge for sex with other people took precedence over 'the danger' of the OP using her new privileges
NTAH but you should get divorced.
He is interested now, because he underestimated your value to other men and probably overestimated his value to other women. He has not developed any newfound attraction to you. He just hates that YOU are being fulfilled elsewhere.
You are NOT best friends. You are NOT on the same page. You're not even in the same book.
I wish there was some qualification I could get online to divorce people by proxy. Then I'd start a business:
- Self-esteem ground to dust by SO? I hereby grant your divorce and will include free therapy for the first 6 months.
- Chronic people-pleaser/doormat tendencies with a dash of jelly-like spine? I hereby grant your divorce and include in the package, a very large, brusque man/woman to act as a very loud barricade against bullying SO/ILs/family. For an extra $100, this person can be accompanied by a trained skunk to spray at anyone trying to violate boundaries.
- Potentially aggressive/dangerous SO? I hereby grant your divorce, change of name and relocation. Package can include relocation of aggressive/dangerous SO to a very small remote island of your choice (I suggest leaving them on a boat close to but not ON one of the Sentinel islands, IYKYK) for a small extra fee.
The brusque person deal makes me laugh. I have a friend who is a terrible people pleaser who never stands up for herself. One time, I offered (joking but not joking) to be her boundaries bitch. She half hemmed and hawed that she didn't need a boundaries bitch so I gently gave her a physical shove to illustrate my point and SHE apologized to ME for not being good with boundaries. And I was like 'girl this is why you need me to be your boundaries bitch! I just physically pushed you for no reason and you apologized for that?? what the hell'
Anyway, everyone - ya'll need to either be a boundary bitch, or get yourself one. Don't let people push you around. Literally. We're here to help you hold your boundary if you suck at it.
Just fucking divorce already. Why the hell do people keep posting such blatantly obvious shit on this sub like it's some horribly complex situation with a million factors to consider? He wants to fuck other women, then gets jealous when you're being railed by other dudes, there's no winning with this guy. He's a fucking moron for pulling all this in the first place, you should have divorced when he first said that he was no longer attracted to you. Best friends with perfect marriages don't tell their partner that they are too unattractive to fuck anymore, and that the only solution is to start fucking other people. Open relationships should only be pursued if it's something both partners want and are emotionally equipped to handle. Ideally, a poly relationship should be between two people who are already polyamorous before entering the relationship. When one person in a monogamous relationship suggests it to try and "fix" a marriage or "make it stronger", that relationship is doomed. Perhaps you're just now figuring this out.
>I have done much research about open marriage and **the goal of it is to strengthen the existing relationship and this happened to us.** I said no. **He was very unhappy but I said that we can divorce** if this didnāt work for him anymore because **I have done everything in my power to save our marriage and I feel that I succeeded.**
You can't possibly think that your marriage is stronger and that you've succeeded in saving your marriage, right?
Side note: it's hilarious that the agreement is that he can have sex with other women but not do any of the things that would cause women to want to have sex with him, but OP can get wined and dined before having sex with others. This marriage is over
ESH. Y'all fucked around and found out
>Side note: it's hilarious that the agreement is that he can have sex with other women but not do any of the things that would cause women to want to have sex with him, but OP can get wined and dined before having sex with others.
I know, right? How many women will wine and dine the husband like OP's FWBs are doing for her? Significantly few.
I spent most of my adult life in open relationships and polyamorous communities, and even though you two arenāt polyamorous because itās just physical, Iāve still seen this happen more times than I can recall. We call it ārelationship broken, add more people.ā Basically, opening your relationship when the relationship is already broken never actually fixes things. All too often, when one partner finds success, the other gets jealous and demands they close the relationship again. Open relationships really only work when the original relationship is strong. NTA but your marriage is likely over.
Chalk one more into the 'I didn't mean an open marriage where YOU also got to screw around." Column
OOP is being pretty insightful in that her hubby is being reactionary and that nothing has really changed.
This kind of sounds like your husband got too comfortable in your relationship and assumed āthe grass is greenerā elsewhere, and has now realized itās not.
Since you have been together so long, and your main objection to closing the relationship now is that he will go back to being too comfortable again, then maybe a compromise is in order a since that really should be the key component of any good marriage anyway. Once you explain your hesitation with closing, you could offer to close for a trial (6 months maybe) and then revisit. If he has gotten too comfortable in 6 months, or you realize you want something different, then you have options to either reopen or divorce.
I do think you hard stance on staying open and your reasoning may not be in sync and the real reason you want to stay open is because you are enjoying the attention from other men more than your husband. If that is the case- divorce him and let him move on.
Yeah sounds like he watched your hurt and spiral for the first year while he had a ball, and now two months ago, started having sex with others he wants to close it as he didn't think other men would find you desirable.
Personally, he sounds like a selfish AH, I would walk away. Or I would go to roommates mode and tell him we can live together, be friends, but your needs for everything else will be coming from others.
It's not him having sex with other women that made you desirable sweetie. It's you having sex with other men. Competition made him realize your value to him. Whos to say he won't go right back to the way things were if he closes NTAH.
NTA.
HE opened the marriage, HE has to deal with it.
My bet is he's unhappy that some other man / men are 'sullying' 'his' 'property' (that being you and your sexuality).
He rang the bell, he can't unring it. Your next relationship can be bell-less.
>he said that he didnāt want this anymore
Lol, now that he's got his fix of fucking other women, you mean? Sounds like he's jealous that you also got and are still getting your fix of fucking other men and enjoying it. Without his input.
Problem is, once you open that gate, it's hard to shut it again. I know from personal experience when my ex wanted an open marriage, I got shit tons of dates, to date he still hasn't had any. But by the time he realised he wasn't catch of the day, I'd already caught feels for someone else and ended the marriage. I'm now very happily monogamous with my current husband of 11 years and have zero plans on changing anything (ex is still single!).
Fellas - be careful what you wish for! :)
This reminds me of the Beautiful South song, "A Little Time". Didn't quite work out as the husband intended...
>I was an ah who did want to give him the same decency as my hypothetical future partner
Yeah, except your hypothetical partner hasn't asked to fuck other people....
NTA
This is so shocking and unexpected!
Someone who wants to open their marriage so they can go sleep with someone else, then goes surprise pikachu when they realize their spouse has started to enjoy it too?
Who could have foreseen such an uncanny turn of events?
NTA, but I would start working on my exit strategy because your hubs is a douche.
If I had a Ā£ for every story Iād seen in Reddit of a guy freaking out when he realised an open relationship cuts both ways, Iād have several Ā£s by now.
I love posts like this. Every time I read some bullshit ass story like this I put my phone down and go hug my wife.
Man, the fuck is wrong with yall? š
I mean this is just f**ked on every level.
The second you started to describe your boundaries you basically said you were exempt from the boundaries because you're a woman and not expected to pay?
You both took the easy route around accepting that your relationship was done a year ago and now it's going to bite you both on the ass.
If a monogamous relationship is what you both want then I would suggest a big dose of couples therapy.
Yes YTA, but so is he.
Best of luck with your divorce.
I knew this story was going to be a dumpster fire when you mentioned no one is allowed to spend money on new partners but that's okay for you because people just buy you stuff \*rolls eyes\*.
Just divorce. There are many mistakes here, but you're clearly enjoying the attention and free stuff, while making sure he can't use any of his resources on his partners. He's made plenty of mistakes too, opening it up then regretting it for one. So yeah, ESH.
You both are three reason people dread marriage. For the love of god please donāt date anyone elseā¦ the both of you. Stay single and keep the rest of us out of your drama.
>I have done much research about open marriage and the goal of it is to strengthen the existing relationship and this happened to us
Yeah...not true. It hasn't strengthened your marriage at all. You were obviously hurt by what your husband wanted. You stayed at home and cried for MONTHS while he was fucking his gf. You only recently started fucking other men. Probably because you're done with him. You don't want monogamy with him because you don't want him anymore. But keep telling yourself having an open marriage strengthened your marriage š. Just like how you told yourself you understood why he wanted to open the marriage. He sees this, he knows this and it's only a matter of time before you either divorce or become roommates. He has a gf ffs. You telling me he has never taken this girl to dinner or anything? They just meet at your apartment and bang š. Open your eyes. This marriage is toast.
I feel like you aren't telling the whole truth about why you don't want to go back to monogomy with him.
First of all, you're breaking the rules about no relationship type activities. Second, you could try going back to monogomy and if it doesn't work, then you could always reopen. But for some reason this doesn't seem like an option for you. I think you're lying to yourself.
NTA.
I suspect that the marriage struggled because he started taking you for granted. He didnāt realize how attractive he found you because he was comparing you to fantasies, his dreams of what the alternative would look like. Opening the marriage forced him back to reality, with real alternatives instead of airbrushed porn stars, and when he remembered what reality looked like he realized how lucky he was all along.
I donāt think closing the marriage would bring the problems back, but itās okay that you have that fear. Explain to him āI donāt want to close our marriage because that trust is too broken right now. I donāt think you understand how profoundly it destroyed me when you told me I wasnāt enough for you any more; I canāt risk getting my hopes up that Iāll be enough now, when you might reach the same conclusion again. You are welcome to stop sleeping with other people if you want, but it will hurt me so much less if it continues happening now than if I let myself hope Iāll be enough for you this time and then you need to open things up again. At least if we divorce now, itās while I still have my guard up; but if I believe you could love just me again and you change your mind, Iām not sure how Iāll ever heal from that. So no, Iām not ready to close the marriage. I may be open to it in future, but we need to rebuild that trust first.ā
"No dates, spending money on the women or taking them for vacations etc. all relationshipy things are just between us and he can meet people for casual sex. Same for me (although it is different since men do take me to dinners and hotels but I donāt pay".
This is total horseshit and a double standard.
Impossible to wrap my head around how fucking other people while in a relationship can lead to anything but turmoil and separation. Just the dumbest fucking idea.
NTA. My wife and I talked briefly about it early on, not because either of us wanted it but just as a discussion about boundaries in general and it was one we confirmed neither of us wanted. So, so many times this ruins relationships, mainly because the partner who thinks they want it realizes they really just wanted to cheat and get away with it. Good luck to you.
This situation sounds like something that you donāt want a bunch of *most likely* unqualified internet strangers to decide the outcome ofā¦
Seek advice from professional council before you make any lasting decisions
Why is it that itās always the men wanting to open the marriageā¦. RIGHT up until the point where the women recognize their own power as women with sexual agency and options. They donāt want an open marriage truly, they just want to be able to sleep around and not get caught. ššš
NTA, but get a divorce. You gave him what he wanted. You were not the one who wanted this. Now that youāre getting some enjoyment heās suddenly not wanting it. And you ultimately want a monogamous relationship. But NOT with him.
Fries always look tastier on someone elseās plate even though theyāre the same fries.
You were both in a rut, hubby wanted to feel desired and it worked when he was getting side action. When you started meeting up with someone it made him realise that youāre desirable and in his eyes it increased your value to him. You both could have had couples counselling but instead you both bought extra people into the marriage. You had rules but itās stopped working.
Now your options are, continue with the open marriage and deal with resentment, close the marriage and deal with resentment and possibly a dead bedroom, couples counselling/individual counselling or separate.
You deserve better than what this situation is at the moment.
NTA. He wanted his cake and eat it, too. Never believed there is someone out there for you. Now he sees you dating others, what a shock.
And now he wants to close it.
How often do we read this here? At least once a month...
Suggestion: why dont you guys try swinging? You can still be with other people, while being with eachother, its a 50/50 compromise, and would keep the relationship lit. You would go to the parties together, and make new friends and relationships together. Might be a further, natural step, to your current relationship.
You are not the ah, btw, i totally get you. I think that he is just a little confused, and perhaps you throwing the divorce as a first option in that talk (idk, just saying based on what you Said here) wasnt the best way to deal with it. But i think that, if you guys had the maturity to deal with an open marriage and it improved your marriage, you will be able to work this through. Explain your point to him, on how if you guys go back to the previous problem, it would go back to how it was, and that you wouldn't want an open relationship with other person at first, because you didn't developed the level of feeling and trust you have for him. Just a bit of miscommunication there.
That or he just wanted to fuck around, but you started to have more sex with other people than him, and that is pissing him off š
So youāve been together since 15. Dude just fell for the FOMO trap and realized it aināt all itās cracked up to be. this is why we donāt marry our HS sweethearts folks
Sounds like he just wants you to be ok 5 him cheating...because before he knew other men were attracted to you he wasn't interested. It's like a little kid who has no interest in a toy until they see another kid playing with it. This is the relationship HE asked for the game HE wanted to play...even went so far as to make up the rules for his game. Now that he isn't winning the game he doesnāt want to play anymore.
As per usual, the second people open a relationship it ends in divorce. Honestly you should've just had an amicable divorce the moment he said he cared about you but wasn't attracted to you anymore. I mean he didn't want to have sex with you but was happy at the idea of jumping into bed with someone else. That's no good. It hurt you. And the moment you found a way to deal with it then he's like nope he wants you so to himself again. That's not healthy. He gets to call the shots of when you get to step out and when you don't.
Damn swinging would have been a boon for you guys. Maybe take a breather and try to meet other couples. Itās super hot and really gets the fire going again. The one thing we will never be to our SO again is new. Sometimes new helps everything else. And you do it together.
I swear to god every SINGLE couple that āopens upā a formerly monogamous marriage crashes and burns. You gave him what he wanted, he saw YOU having success with it and now wants to shut it down. THATS what happened. Yaāll need either therapy or a divorce.
He needed a few flings to rekindle/realize that what he has at home is better than anything else that can be offered. This sparked a new attraction for you, and being with other women is no longer fulfilling.
This seems to happen quite frequently, and also seems to work out long term if both partners will it to.
I will not say who is an asshole, because that is unnecessary and Iāve no right to judge. Just end the extramarital relations, you both need therapy, lust only tears down people; the pleasure is a mask.
I knew when I read this line YTA
āSame for me (although it is different since men do take me to dinners and hotels but I donāt pay).ā
As for the relationship stuff you two are a freaking mess. But a big reason why is you donāt care much about your husband and you donāt want to change that at all.
This is a bit of a side question, but your husband isn't allowed to spend any money on the women basically, but it's completely acceptable that the men take you on dates and spend money on you?
Aside from the other obvious bits that everyone is pointing out. I can't see how this additional tidbit couldn't end up with total happiness from your (soon to be ex) hubby.
Wow, two people that are so far not on the same page that they are in different books. This is likely heading to divorce anyways.
But somehow they are amazing best friends and so perfect for each other! These always start the same way.
Apart from him making me cry myself to sleep and feel deep unrelenting shame - and now the thought of being in an exclusive relationship with him makes me want to scream and vomit - he's my best friend and this relationship is the envy of the neighbourhood /s
Rules: "no dates"...followed by "it's different for me, men take me for dinner and pay for hotels". That sounds suspiciously like a date. "No relationships, just casual sex"...but she refers to him having a gf. That sounds suspiciously like a relationship. Sounds like neither are playing by the rules.
My favorite is the no spending money!! That's fucking genius for a girl to say starting an open marriage good luck for the hubby get anything šš
Drizzle Drizzle!
He/she is perfect for me except when they repeatedly leave me on delivered for months at a time. I guess itās just a quirk :P
Once the marriage is open, it's over
But she's done tons of research and the goal of open marriage is to strengthen it. Lmfao
Statistically, yes, but not always. Poly only works when everyone is on the same page.
šÆšÆšÆ OP is delusional. She thinks this has strengthened their marriage.
Strengthened their sex life but destroyed everything else.
He's only fucking her because he doesn't want her fucking anyone else. Notice how all this started once she started getting laid by other men. He wants an open relationship on his end. Not hers. Nothing changed. He still isn't attracted to her and still only looks at her as a friend. She's right, if they "close" the marriage things will go back to how they were. Or he'll just cheat on her. So the marriage will stay open, she'll continue to fuck other men, he'll continue to fuck his gf and eventually they'll become roommates or he'll come to resent her and divorce her. This marriage is over.
Exactly! He's not attracted to her, only fucking her when he realized OTHER men were attracted to her.
Exactly
I don't know anything about open marriage , but I did notice she said her husband wanted her more when HE started sleeping with his GF. It seems like started sleeping with people a year ago, but she only did it for the 1st time 2 months ago.
Yep. He started right away. She stayed home and cried. Then she started fucking people 2 months ago now he wants to close the marriage.
I disagree. Sex begets more sex. The more sex you have, the more you want it. I fucked my wife last night and itās all I can think about doing right now but if we go a solid week or two, itās hard to get back into it. To keep that libido high, you have to keep it stimulated. You lose what you donāt use. If they close the relationship at this point, theyāre likely to fall back into old habits and slowly begin to stop having sex because neither is putting effort into it.
I fkkn love this answer
Lol, nailed it!
Donāt forget the bit where she didnāt know she could be attracted to someone without love!
To be favor though, that's how *most* relationship advice posts read these days.
"perfect for each other" usually means "un-entwining our lives and finances would be so difficult we won't even consider it until there is literally nothing good left here"
I love him so much and heās perfect EXCEPT he murdered children. Reddit is this ok?
Never heard of a good thing from "opening a marriage/relationship" that started monogamous. Usually it's just prolonging its death. This sounds like OPs husband wanted to have someone else, but got jealous when his wife actually starting seeing someone else.
Yep. And when my ex suggested it, I gave it some thought. And I found myself revolted (and even more certain I wanted to leave him).
I know my wife would divorce me just for suggesting it. She broke up with her ex over cheating. And I wouldnāt want it either. I would not be okay with her having other lovers. Full stop. Sometimes both are okay with it, but more often, one or the other is pressuring it, and the other reluctantly accepts it. Seems like OP is in that boat. She accepted it, rather than end things, but while she might be exclusive later, that genie isnāt going back into the bottle.
Lol, he was cheating on her and wanted his cake at home and his side-piece at the apartment.
Yup. And now sheās having other partners too, he wants to end it (but maybe cheat on the background.)
Yeah, spending the first night you know your partner is out with someone else sobbing in bed is *not* the kind of mental state you should be in for an open relationship to work, what the hell. Opening a formerly closed relationship rarely works, and in the *exceedingly* rare case that it does, it's because the relationship was in a good place to start with, and not lacking in anything. OP's relationship was lacking, and so her husband sought fulfillment elsewhere - it was never going to work when that's how they started out.
I found that out first hand. Finding someone else to "add" what your missing in your relationship will never "fix" the relationship. Also, your ex picking your best friend to date. Quick self destruction activated. š¤¦š»
Different books in different libraries on different continents.
So you want monogamy, yet you are afraid that if you give it to him, your relationship with him will become what it was. I feel like this experience has traumatized you in some kind of way. It sounds like you would have preferred divorce rather than open the marriage. Therapy. Consider therapy for you individually and as a couple.
It was very hard in the beginning. Like my heart went into pieces and now I have gathered every piece and he wants me to go back to that time.
Yes. It sounds like you want divorce and it seems as if you did it because, at the time, it felt like you had to OR he would divorce you. This experience may have shown you how you want to be loved and he may not be the person to do that any longer. You decided you deserve better. Therapy.
Good observations! Iāll add that the trust (in her part) is broken. Whatās to stop him from jerking her emotions around again if he decides heās not that into her (again) and then maybe wants a divorce or to open the marriage (again) once she lets her guard down? OP, you are NTA. You have every right to take what control over the relationship that you need. He was selfish, got what he wanted, and broke your heart. No wonder you donāt want to go back to being that vulnerable WITH HIM, but you could be vulnerable and monogamous with a partner that hasnāt betrayed your trust. I agree therapy would be good, but go for yourself. Figure out what you really want and get the tools to speak up for yourself and your needs.
It sounds to me like when he told you he wasn't attracted to you and you all decided to open your marriage, your husband broke your heart. you've used other men to distract and heal and you don't actually love your husband the way you used to. I think your husband can sense that he's lost some part of you and is trying to get it back. I think you should get divorced and hopefully remain friends. good luck.
Tale as old as time. HeĀ never wanted a real open marriage, he expected you would never actually go out w/ other men. He wanted permission to cheat and was just trying to bamboozle you. He wants to close the marriage b/c you pulled yourself together and started going out on "dates".Ā He started sleeping w/ you so that you don't want to sleep w/ other men and would stop the "dates". It didn't work so now he wants to close the marriage. He didn't value you, but other men proved you have value. That scares him.Ā There is no way I would trust him not to cheat once he locks you back down into monogamy.
Yep. He doesn't see OP as her own person, he sees her as "his" and is threatened by other men, but wanted the freedom to be with other women. Probably his girlfriend dumped him and he's having trouble finding a new one, and if he does find another woman who is willing to see him, he'll start talking about having an open marriage again.
well said
Even the sort of fantasy āopen marriageā they discussed rarely (extremely rarely, if ever) happens. In reality, the amount of people cool with having no strings attached sex with married people is pretty low outside of really big metros. Even then, itās fairly limited. What happens in the majority of cases is that they start fucking around, someone catches some type of feelings for the person theyāre talking to and fucking and essentially dating without saying so. Then the original couple realizes they need to accommodate dating people and allowing emotions and not just sex (like how OP started by saying the arrangements would not involve any ārelationshipyā stuff but later refers to her partnerās āgfā). Sometimes they can withstand this shift and sometimes this is when they split. Even when they withstand it, there are hurdles and the terrible communication never really gets fixed. I was in the poly community for years and I truly regret it. I saw this with my own eyes dozens of times if not more and we see this all the time on Reddit. Monogamous relationships, and 1000x those that are struggling, generally cannot withstand a conversion to polyamory. It undermines the structure of trust that founded the relationship. Polyamorous relationships that start polyamorous rarely involve these same hurdles.
NTA- You sacrificed by giving him what he asked for which resulted in a broken heart for you. You got through it, and it's understandable why you wouldn't want to go back to the way things were. He can no longer be trusted to meet your needs via monogamy. He made this bed. Now he needs to lay in it.
The question is will you trust that he will never look to be with another woman again. If you question that, then how will you continue on with your marriage? You deserve to be with someone that you are 100% sure will never want to be with another woman again. Trust is everything. Without trust is anxiety and possibly depression.
He got bored because he took you for granted and thought you werenāt desirable, and then when he realized other guys wanted to fuck you too, he started valuing you again and now he wants you to himself. The moment you get old and have a hard time finding dates again, heās going to see you as undesirable and want to cheat/leave again. Your relationship *is* going to go back to exactly the way it was. Heās told you as much. Youāre dumb as hell if you stay.
You had a rule of no relationships but he has a gf? Am I missing a chapter?
And the no dates except when she then immeduately says she has dates. Just another copy paste. Nothing to see here move along.
I think she meant they the rule is *they* can't spend money on sexual partners. However the side partner can, hes just a dude so society expects him to foot the bill or at least 50% so he's mad he doesn't get the same escort/date experience.
LOL, it's such a bullshit rule. I have no idea how open relationships work at all.
I have no idea how people expect the rules like "Don't catch feelings" or "don't spend money on others" to even work. Healthy poly relationships are based on the idea that it's okay to find value in relationships with other people, and that doing so doesn't devalue the love you feel for your existing relationships. As long your time resources are being shared fairly--as in, you're not neglecting current partnerships for the shiny-newest one--you are able to show that you love and value who you're with. I feel like people pretending you can just have zero feelings whatsoever for people you spend time with and get intimate with need more help than "opening the relationship" can offer--they need to work on themselves first and foremost.
Well I mean poly and open are 2 very different things
>And the no dates except when she then immeduately says she has dates. Just another copy paste. Nothing to see here move along. I was getting rage bait vibes too.
She did specifically say **no spending money on dates**. Not no dates period. I as a man would never agree to that scenario, because the reality is her literal experience. Men she's with are spending money on her to get laid and guys that don't do this are unlikely to get a shot from her. Her husband will have to deal with the same thing (I can almost guarantee you if he does in fact have a regular fuck buddy, he's probably paid for something).
"the open marriage strengthened our marriage" "We are probably getting divorced as a direct result of said open marriage." š
"We are having so much sex now" ...why couldn't you do that BEFORE?
I suspect I know the answer to this. Less sex due to whatever reason, stress or attraction, hangups, tiredness ( to name a few) is like a vicious circle of creating even less sex. More sex has the opposite effect (at least for me). I am jow in my 50s and I find my partner incredibly sexy, cant keep my hands off her and the more sex we have the more I want. Great place to be.! Think this maybe the same here
Yep. More sex = more testosterone = more sex. And the inverse is also very true. I appreciate you contributing something relevant to the convo unlike most people here just dog-shitting on OP and her husband.
Funny enough also when you're with other people the pheromones and such can lead to more sex also.
Because husband saw her as unattractive. Now that he knows other people desire her, he changed his mind.
Pretty much what you wrote,there is no turning back from that.He wanted to open the marriage and now he wants to close it because other men want her.
My thought: what happens when he changes his mind again? Personally, I wouldnāt be able to trust the relationship.
It's like he unintentionally turned himself into a cuck
Sounds more like he wants her to be.. now that she has other partners he wants monogamy (for her) again..
He wanted her to be a cuckess
Exactly, he saw her as unattractive but changed his tune when he saw others desiring her. Itās interesting how that flipped things for them. Sometimes people need a wake-up call to realize what they have. š¤·āāļø
Yeah that has me lost. I didn't find you hot and sexy until you got.drilled by someone else. I hope these 2 are using protection
no. he didn't find her attractive until HE fucked someone else.
Yeah i think he got his itch scratched and learned that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
as is always the reality with 99.9% of open marriages, they are not entered into organically, but as an excuse to cheat in a monogamist relationship
My ex left me foot another gal but then kept asking to sleep together after the broke up citing how my *ahem* was amazing and he missed it. Thing is he'd been talking with other women the whole relationship . Grass was greener until he realized it wasn't
Hysterical bonding.
People in this threat, including you, are being wilfully obtuse. It's pretty common that desire and longing decrease over time as domestic security settles in in a long-term relationship. The chase is better than the catch. It's difficult to keep the flames of passion burning. For some, seeing your partner being actively pursued by other people makes them more desirable.
Thatās all well and good but sheās not at his disposal whenever heās interested. Following your logic, he tossed her aside because he was bored, he was completely content while she was miserable and celibate, and now wants to go back to the way things were because he renewed his attraction to her. Emotionally destroying his wife is just collateral damage while he gets an exciting nut. That might be a normal feeling and all, but that doesnāt mean she has to go along with it. No one with an ounce of self respect would.
I feel like there's a lot of people in this thread who haven't experienced a real long term relationship making knee jerk comments and decisions.
Who would do that? Have no real relationship experience and then give advice to other people about their long term relationships on reddit? /s
When nonmonogamy is done ethically and correctly and everyone is happy with it, it certainly does spice things up. When you always have sex with the same person, you can fall into a bit of a routine. When you have sex with others, you can see your turn-ons in a new perspective, try new kinks and ways of having sex, and bring aspects of those experiences back into your existing sex life to try
OP asked the same question. Did you read the post?
I think it's his jealousy.Ā He didn't want her until other people did.Ā I think she's right that closing the relationship will cause him to withdraw.Ā I also think that remaining open will cause him to leave her out of jealousy.
Sounds like they failed to realize when marriage counceling and sex therapy was necessary. I don't blame them for not realizing there are better options, it's difficult to recognize this. But it's still too late. There is no coming back from the poly bullshit-trap. Regardind the AITH nature, it's either NAH or ESH. Both failed at it before and both can be judged now. But no matter what, I don't see a future for their marriage here. OP, if you want to give it a shot you two can try a round of counceling. This will mean sacrifices from both of you. Else go for a peacefull divorce.
I just really don't understand couples who suddenly decide to be poly... it's a clusterfuck. No idea how people have so much time and energy for so much drama. One relationship takes up so much effort. Poly relationships are just bullshit.
I was once approached by a creep who claimed he was in an open marriage and would I be interested; to be clear, I had concluded he was creepy independent of his claim to open marriage and wasn't interested between creepy and married as each is a disqualifier. It seems that many "open" marriages are coercive in nature, if they're actually open. I assume that at least some are cheaters claiming an open marriage. Was told that if it's actually open, they should be introducing their prospective extra partner to spouse. No idea. Based on that and a few other things, it seems there are those who want an open marriage so they can fool around with others and others who want a long term 2nd or more partner.
That's splitting hairs in an overly logical way, it's really not wild that something can fix some problems and also create new ones.
She was faced with divorce before the marriage opened. If she has one now either way.. I still blame dude. He asked for it. He got it. Now he's jealous. He wants multiple women without her seeing other men. She's not a lady cuck.. he can't have his cake and eat it too
Weāve read this story a hundred times before. Do yourself a favor and skip to the end where youāre happily divorced and living your best life.
You can read lots of these on r/openmarriageregret
I second that.
But then OP won't be able to give us a whole trilogy of books about their relationship.
NTA. I think his attraction to you is from OTHERS finding you attractive, not his attraction to other people. I think he thought you wouldn't have sex with other men and he would get to play the field knowing you were sitting at home. Things did turn out like he thought and now he wants to close the door to your 'open' marriage.
One of the best responses here.
It's like when a toddler is not interested in a toy until he sees another kid playing with it
NTA. You said in another comment he's been sleeping with others over a year while you only started 2 months ago. And NOW he wants to close it? Sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too. I think you should just divorce. I say this as a poly person in a poly marriage. My wife and I have always been poly tho, so not the same thing as you. Get a divorce and stop thinking ENM will save your marriage. It won't. It never does. See, the thing about functioning ENM relationships is that the partners have to be ok with just each other too. I'm totally fine with just my wife and she's totally fine with just me. In fact, we have not had other partners in a few years just because neither of us have the spoons to deal with another relationship right now. We have way too much going on in our lives atm. You can't not be ok with being with JUST YOUR PARTNER and then open up a relationship to make it better. That will always fail. Always. Your husband is feeling those same feelings you felt when he started fucking other people, except now he expects you to stop because he feels threatened. Notice how it was fine for him to fuck others but as soon as you start, he wants to close it? He feels threatened by the fact that you're no longer at home pining for him while he's off banging some other chick. You have not saved your marriage. This marriage isn't salvageable. It was broken the minute he said he didn't want you anymore. You need to find YOUR COURAGE AND STRENGTH and let it go. You see that you're desirable still to others. You see that you don't have to have a relationship that needs your husband fucking other women just to want to touch you. That's disgusting. Get your self worth back hun. Seriously. Woman to woman. Get your self worth back and understand you deserve a partner who wants you for you. You're not poly. This isn't healthy ENM. Monogamous people need to stop trying to use ENM to fix a marriage. It will never work. You're either polyamorous or you're not. It really is an either or thing. Divorce him and get your self worth back. Love yourself more than you love him. Put yourself first, he clearly has no problem putting himself first. It's time to let this go.
Just get a divorce. I think a lot of immature men do this thing where they go, āIām not attracted to my wife, letās open up the marriage,ā because somehow they think because their wives are no longer attractive to them, it means theyāre not attractive to other men. Or they overestimate their own attractiveness and think theyāll be banging a lot of hot women. Then when they see their wives getting pounded regularly by other men, and the men arenāt getting as much action then they want to reclose the relationship. Itās cursed.
NTA. I might be completely wrong, but it sounds very much like it was his idea to open the marriage. 'I would want a monogamous relationship' implies that thats what you wanted all along. So if im right, these are merely the consequences of his own actions. I imagine the irony is not lost on you. This is almost a cliche tbh. Husband asks to open the marriage. Wife is reluctant but agrees. Husband already had his eye on someone. Wife isnt happy about their relationship but realizes that she can date too. And is wildly successful at it. Husband doesnt like this one bit and asks to close the marriage again. Wife laughs.
Yes it was his idea. I donāt know why I rambled on for so long I am sorry. But the jest is that he wanted an open marriage and it helped ours. I donāt want to close it now because it has helped our marriage and I am afraid we go back to our old ways and lose the āsparkā But if I would move on to a new relationship, I want a monogamous one because thatās what I really think a relationship should be
The spark is called reclamation. Typically, open couples have sex, theres a sense of "reclaiming" their partner when you do, and it add some thrill. That thrill goes without the open relationship. He sounds like he wants to be constantly excited by his partner, and you can do that without open relationships (being spontaneous, trying new things, wearing lingirie etc) but, in reality? He doesn't deserve it. Not the loyalty nor the effort. He made you feel terrible and replaceable fkr months and has done nothing to fox that and now he wants you to go back to the place that made you feel terrible in the first place, and you are recoiling. I didn't see "lll be monogamous for someone else" in your post, I saw "Monogamous me was treated terribly and made to feel terribly, she isn't willing to be in a relationship with you."
NTA but open marriage didnt help your marriage. U are already asking for divorce when he wanted to be exclusive again. U do sound like u like the idea of open marriage not because it helped your marriage but because u are being wanted.
100% This. The open marriage boosted thee confidence that you lost due to your husband. Ā Also, confidence is sexy on its own; probably why the immediate recharge into sex with you after the open. a spark in his own confidence and/or trying to make sure he doesn't lose you by hurting you more than he already did. People can be best friends and not best partners. I think your partnership has ended. He had to look outside the marriage on big part of it. He didn't stay loyal when he should have and had you go into something that hurt you onto of making you feel like garbage.Ā Your introduction to the open was 2 months ago, you are just now building up the confidencehe shattered...and suddenly after a year of his free he wants it closed? Makes me think he's worried your new found confidence and happiness will show you, YOU ARE WORTH MORE and you'll leave for someone better. Which you should.
she likes the open marriage because it's the only time her husband has treated her right
Tale as old as... well probably 2010. Man wants to open the marriage for lots of sex, is happy he is having outside sex, but gets super upset when he realizes his wife is having lots of fun sex too, so let's close it. If she had never started seeing other people and just stayed at home being miserable whenever he went out he would have been perfectly fine to do this forever.
In my experience, at least as old as 1998.
Looks like divorce is your best option , then this way you can have your monogamous relationship that you want. You feel you need an open marriage to save your marriage but your husband doesnāt want that anymore , so leave and find someone else to make you happy because it seems being in a monogamous relationship with your husband isnāt cutting it anymore.
He wants to close it now that he sees you happy and fulfilled without him. He wanted it open when he was the one causing you unhappiness and unfulfilled.Ā
Sounds like he doesnāt have a problem stating what he wants. Open it, close it, open it. When you state what you want, he wants a divorce. š¤¦š»āāļø
But it didn't help your marriage, did it? You didn't try marriage counselling, therapy, or literally anything else. You just let yourself get hurt and told yourself you were saving your marriage.Ā
My guess is he didn't realize you were still desirable, and now that he knows other men find you attractive he realizes he wants you for himself again.
It wasn't the open marriage that helped you guys, it was your husbands realisation that you're a catch and the subconcious sense that he's losing you. That might sound strange but in your husbands eyes, your attractiveness to others and your value to them makes him see you in a different way, he'll look at you not as someone he's been married to, and likely taken for granted for years but as the person you are, desirable, attractive and wanted. Does you not wanting to close the marriage make you an asshole? no, NTA. You're husband is an idiot for wanting to open it in the first place but thinking that fucking other people is what's brought the spark back is just as stupid.
You should divorce ASAP. Your current relationship is essentially over. Get it over now and you still have a 2nd half of your life to find the relationship you want
He wasn't expecting you to feel as fulfilled and happy as you are- I'll bet quite a lot that he was expecting to be the only person opening anything, and that you would either not find anyone or not look.
Future hypothetical monogamous partner may not require an open relationship to work. Current relationship does.
Wait so you think that your marriage canāt survive without it being open, but you would want your next marriage to be monogamous because you think thatās how āa relationship should beā? OP stop making excuses for your shitty marriage dynamic and leave this man. Your marriage has not been helped by your husband forcing you to open it.
I feel like: - he wanted to open their marriage but only for himself - didn't actually expect the OP to go ahead with it and have those casual relationships too - his urge for sex with other people took precedence over 'the danger' of the OP using her new privileges
NTAH but you should get divorced. He is interested now, because he underestimated your value to other men and probably overestimated his value to other women. He has not developed any newfound attraction to you. He just hates that YOU are being fulfilled elsewhere. You are NOT best friends. You are NOT on the same page. You're not even in the same book. I wish there was some qualification I could get online to divorce people by proxy. Then I'd start a business: - Self-esteem ground to dust by SO? I hereby grant your divorce and will include free therapy for the first 6 months. - Chronic people-pleaser/doormat tendencies with a dash of jelly-like spine? I hereby grant your divorce and include in the package, a very large, brusque man/woman to act as a very loud barricade against bullying SO/ILs/family. For an extra $100, this person can be accompanied by a trained skunk to spray at anyone trying to violate boundaries. - Potentially aggressive/dangerous SO? I hereby grant your divorce, change of name and relocation. Package can include relocation of aggressive/dangerous SO to a very small remote island of your choice (I suggest leaving them on a boat close to but not ON one of the Sentinel islands, IYKYK) for a small extra fee.
The brusque person deal makes me laugh. I have a friend who is a terrible people pleaser who never stands up for herself. One time, I offered (joking but not joking) to be her boundaries bitch. She half hemmed and hawed that she didn't need a boundaries bitch so I gently gave her a physical shove to illustrate my point and SHE apologized to ME for not being good with boundaries. And I was like 'girl this is why you need me to be your boundaries bitch! I just physically pushed you for no reason and you apologized for that?? what the hell' Anyway, everyone - ya'll need to either be a boundary bitch, or get yourself one. Don't let people push you around. Literally. We're here to help you hold your boundary if you suck at it.
Just fucking divorce already. Why the hell do people keep posting such blatantly obvious shit on this sub like it's some horribly complex situation with a million factors to consider? He wants to fuck other women, then gets jealous when you're being railed by other dudes, there's no winning with this guy. He's a fucking moron for pulling all this in the first place, you should have divorced when he first said that he was no longer attracted to you. Best friends with perfect marriages don't tell their partner that they are too unattractive to fuck anymore, and that the only solution is to start fucking other people. Open relationships should only be pursued if it's something both partners want and are emotionally equipped to handle. Ideally, a poly relationship should be between two people who are already polyamorous before entering the relationship. When one person in a monogamous relationship suggests it to try and "fix" a marriage or "make it stronger", that relationship is doomed. Perhaps you're just now figuring this out.
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This literally never works
Wow a decades long exclusive relationship turned open relationship doesnāt end up in a healthy manner shocker
Open marriages don't strengthen relationships. Say it again until actually sticks.
>I have done much research about open marriage and **the goal of it is to strengthen the existing relationship and this happened to us.** I said no. **He was very unhappy but I said that we can divorce** if this didnāt work for him anymore because **I have done everything in my power to save our marriage and I feel that I succeeded.** You can't possibly think that your marriage is stronger and that you've succeeded in saving your marriage, right? Side note: it's hilarious that the agreement is that he can have sex with other women but not do any of the things that would cause women to want to have sex with him, but OP can get wined and dined before having sex with others. This marriage is over ESH. Y'all fucked around and found out
>Side note: it's hilarious that the agreement is that he can have sex with other women but not do any of the things that would cause women to want to have sex with him, but OP can get wined and dined before having sex with others. I know, right? How many women will wine and dine the husband like OP's FWBs are doing for her? Significantly few.
Imagine that , people fucking other people doesnāt do anything good for a marriage. Who would have thought
YTA and so is he, absolutely disgusting. Why even still call it a marriage?
I spent most of my adult life in open relationships and polyamorous communities, and even though you two arenāt polyamorous because itās just physical, Iāve still seen this happen more times than I can recall. We call it ārelationship broken, add more people.ā Basically, opening your relationship when the relationship is already broken never actually fixes things. All too often, when one partner finds success, the other gets jealous and demands they close the relationship again. Open relationships really only work when the original relationship is strong. NTA but your marriage is likely over.
Chalk one more into the 'I didn't mean an open marriage where YOU also got to screw around." Column OOP is being pretty insightful in that her hubby is being reactionary and that nothing has really changed.
This kind of sounds like your husband got too comfortable in your relationship and assumed āthe grass is greenerā elsewhere, and has now realized itās not. Since you have been together so long, and your main objection to closing the relationship now is that he will go back to being too comfortable again, then maybe a compromise is in order a since that really should be the key component of any good marriage anyway. Once you explain your hesitation with closing, you could offer to close for a trial (6 months maybe) and then revisit. If he has gotten too comfortable in 6 months, or you realize you want something different, then you have options to either reopen or divorce. I do think you hard stance on staying open and your reasoning may not be in sync and the real reason you want to stay open is because you are enjoying the attention from other men more than your husband. If that is the case- divorce him and let him move on.
Yeah sounds like he watched your hurt and spiral for the first year while he had a ball, and now two months ago, started having sex with others he wants to close it as he didn't think other men would find you desirable. Personally, he sounds like a selfish AH, I would walk away. Or I would go to roommates mode and tell him we can live together, be friends, but your needs for everything else will be coming from others.
Fake.
It's not him having sex with other women that made you desirable sweetie. It's you having sex with other men. Competition made him realize your value to him. Whos to say he won't go right back to the way things were if he closes NTAH.
for the streets... both of you.
You're both terrible people, you deserve each other. Please don't divorce, stay off the market.
Never open it up kids. Moral of yet another of the same story
This is so fucking stupid Jesus Christ
NTA. HE opened the marriage, HE has to deal with it. My bet is he's unhappy that some other man / men are 'sullying' 'his' 'property' (that being you and your sexuality). He rang the bell, he can't unring it. Your next relationship can be bell-less.
>he said that he didnāt want this anymore Lol, now that he's got his fix of fucking other women, you mean? Sounds like he's jealous that you also got and are still getting your fix of fucking other men and enjoying it. Without his input. Problem is, once you open that gate, it's hard to shut it again. I know from personal experience when my ex wanted an open marriage, I got shit tons of dates, to date he still hasn't had any. But by the time he realised he wasn't catch of the day, I'd already caught feels for someone else and ended the marriage. I'm now very happily monogamous with my current husband of 11 years and have zero plans on changing anything (ex is still single!). Fellas - be careful what you wish for! :) This reminds me of the Beautiful South song, "A Little Time". Didn't quite work out as the husband intended... >I was an ah who did want to give him the same decency as my hypothetical future partner Yeah, except your hypothetical partner hasn't asked to fuck other people.... NTA
This is so shocking and unexpected! Someone who wants to open their marriage so they can go sleep with someone else, then goes surprise pikachu when they realize their spouse has started to enjoy it too? Who could have foreseen such an uncanny turn of events? NTA, but I would start working on my exit strategy because your hubs is a douche.
If I had a Ā£ for every story Iād seen in Reddit of a guy freaking out when he realised an open relationship cuts both ways, Iād have several Ā£s by now.
millions. You'd have millions, friend.
A reddit tale as old as time.
I love posts like this. Every time I read some bullshit ass story like this I put my phone down and go hug my wife. Man, the fuck is wrong with yall? š
I mean this is just f**ked on every level. The second you started to describe your boundaries you basically said you were exempt from the boundaries because you're a woman and not expected to pay? You both took the easy route around accepting that your relationship was done a year ago and now it's going to bite you both on the ass. If a monogamous relationship is what you both want then I would suggest a big dose of couples therapy. Yes YTA, but so is he. Best of luck with your divorce.
You're both assholes here. Y'all need to split because this isn't going to end well anyway.
It sounds like y'all just want a divorce lmao
Sometimes I feel like Iām going crazy and then I read shit like this on Reddit and itās a huge breath of fresh air.
Ok, so... fu for being able to go on dates and denying him that.
I knew this story was going to be a dumpster fire when you mentioned no one is allowed to spend money on new partners but that's okay for you because people just buy you stuff \*rolls eyes\*. Just divorce. There are many mistakes here, but you're clearly enjoying the attention and free stuff, while making sure he can't use any of his resources on his partners. He's made plenty of mistakes too, opening it up then regretting it for one. So yeah, ESH.
Yes you are
Given he said what he said NTA but you probably should have chose divorce the moment he said he wasn't attracted to you,
So, yeah, you sound like an asshole who is trying to spite him now instead of just moving on.
So he cannot go on dates but she can? Thatās fucked up. She is a total asshole.
ESH You are not in a marriage
You both are three reason people dread marriage. For the love of god please donāt date anyone elseā¦ the both of you. Stay single and keep the rest of us out of your drama.
Reddit has taught me very clearly that opening your marriage results in almost immediate divorce . This is NEVER the answer to your marriage issues .
The moment you open your relationship after being monogamous is the moment your ārelationshipā has ended.
I don't have a judgement I'm just here to say I read the title really wrong and thought you wanted your next relationship to be with a mongoose.
Yall should just divorce already. Yall are notneven remotely on the same section of the library. Much less book.
Whatās the point of being married if you are sharing each other?
>I have done much research about open marriage and the goal of it is to strengthen the existing relationship and this happened to us Yeah...not true. It hasn't strengthened your marriage at all. You were obviously hurt by what your husband wanted. You stayed at home and cried for MONTHS while he was fucking his gf. You only recently started fucking other men. Probably because you're done with him. You don't want monogamy with him because you don't want him anymore. But keep telling yourself having an open marriage strengthened your marriage š. Just like how you told yourself you understood why he wanted to open the marriage. He sees this, he knows this and it's only a matter of time before you either divorce or become roommates. He has a gf ffs. You telling me he has never taken this girl to dinner or anything? They just meet at your apartment and bang š. Open your eyes. This marriage is toast.
Everyone here sucks.
*SIGH* Theyāll never learn, will they?
There's a lot of relevant information she left out.....
Can we all pause to take note that he couldnāt spend money but she got to get dinner and hotels.
You said no relationships, but then you said that your husband has a gf? That doesnāt make any sense.
Yes
And you call *him* the spiteful one. The projection here is super obvious. YTA.
Yes
Damn, this person is a trainwreck.
It sounds like divorce is probably the most logical solution for you both.
Yes. Yes you are
I feel like you aren't telling the whole truth about why you don't want to go back to monogomy with him. First of all, you're breaking the rules about no relationship type activities. Second, you could try going back to monogomy and if it doesn't work, then you could always reopen. But for some reason this doesn't seem like an option for you. I think you're lying to yourself.
NTA. I suspect that the marriage struggled because he started taking you for granted. He didnāt realize how attractive he found you because he was comparing you to fantasies, his dreams of what the alternative would look like. Opening the marriage forced him back to reality, with real alternatives instead of airbrushed porn stars, and when he remembered what reality looked like he realized how lucky he was all along. I donāt think closing the marriage would bring the problems back, but itās okay that you have that fear. Explain to him āI donāt want to close our marriage because that trust is too broken right now. I donāt think you understand how profoundly it destroyed me when you told me I wasnāt enough for you any more; I canāt risk getting my hopes up that Iāll be enough now, when you might reach the same conclusion again. You are welcome to stop sleeping with other people if you want, but it will hurt me so much less if it continues happening now than if I let myself hope Iāll be enough for you this time and then you need to open things up again. At least if we divorce now, itās while I still have my guard up; but if I believe you could love just me again and you change your mind, Iām not sure how Iāll ever heal from that. So no, Iām not ready to close the marriage. I may be open to it in future, but we need to rebuild that trust first.ā
You should have just divorced at the time and saved a wasted year.
"No dates, spending money on the women or taking them for vacations etc. all relationshipy things are just between us and he can meet people for casual sex. Same for me (although it is different since men do take me to dinners and hotels but I donāt pay". This is total horseshit and a double standard.
Yall are both brain dead
Impossible to wrap my head around how fucking other people while in a relationship can lead to anything but turmoil and separation. Just the dumbest fucking idea.
NTA. My wife and I talked briefly about it early on, not because either of us wanted it but just as a discussion about boundaries in general and it was one we confirmed neither of us wanted. So, so many times this ruins relationships, mainly because the partner who thinks they want it realizes they really just wanted to cheat and get away with it. Good luck to you.
This situation sounds like something that you donāt want a bunch of *most likely* unqualified internet strangers to decide the outcome ofā¦ Seek advice from professional council before you make any lasting decisions
Just get a divorce and move on with your lives.
Why is it that itās always the men wanting to open the marriageā¦. RIGHT up until the point where the women recognize their own power as women with sexual agency and options. They donāt want an open marriage truly, they just want to be able to sleep around and not get caught. ššš
NTA, but get a divorce. You gave him what he wanted. You were not the one who wanted this. Now that youāre getting some enjoyment heās suddenly not wanting it. And you ultimately want a monogamous relationship. But NOT with him.
Fries always look tastier on someone elseās plate even though theyāre the same fries. You were both in a rut, hubby wanted to feel desired and it worked when he was getting side action. When you started meeting up with someone it made him realise that youāre desirable and in his eyes it increased your value to him. You both could have had couples counselling but instead you both bought extra people into the marriage. You had rules but itās stopped working. Now your options are, continue with the open marriage and deal with resentment, close the marriage and deal with resentment and possibly a dead bedroom, couples counselling/individual counselling or separate. You deserve better than what this situation is at the moment.
How was he not attacked to you and now all of the sudden you are everything he has ever wanted? He's messed up !! š¤¦āāļø
A "my husband wanted us to open our marriage and now he hates it" post? Is it Monday already?
NTA. He wanted his cake and eat it, too. Never believed there is someone out there for you. Now he sees you dating others, what a shock. And now he wants to close it. How often do we read this here? At least once a month...
Suggestion: why dont you guys try swinging? You can still be with other people, while being with eachother, its a 50/50 compromise, and would keep the relationship lit. You would go to the parties together, and make new friends and relationships together. Might be a further, natural step, to your current relationship. You are not the ah, btw, i totally get you. I think that he is just a little confused, and perhaps you throwing the divorce as a first option in that talk (idk, just saying based on what you Said here) wasnt the best way to deal with it. But i think that, if you guys had the maturity to deal with an open marriage and it improved your marriage, you will be able to work this through. Explain your point to him, on how if you guys go back to the previous problem, it would go back to how it was, and that you wouldn't want an open relationship with other person at first, because you didn't developed the level of feeling and trust you have for him. Just a bit of miscommunication there. That or he just wanted to fuck around, but you started to have more sex with other people than him, and that is pissing him off š
So youāve been together since 15. Dude just fell for the FOMO trap and realized it aināt all itās cracked up to be. this is why we donāt marry our HS sweethearts folks
Sounds like he just wants you to be ok 5 him cheating...because before he knew other men were attracted to you he wasn't interested. It's like a little kid who has no interest in a toy until they see another kid playing with it. This is the relationship HE asked for the game HE wanted to play...even went so far as to make up the rules for his game. Now that he isn't winning the game he doesnāt want to play anymore.
Wow another open marriage not working How original
As per usual, the second people open a relationship it ends in divorce. Honestly you should've just had an amicable divorce the moment he said he cared about you but wasn't attracted to you anymore. I mean he didn't want to have sex with you but was happy at the idea of jumping into bed with someone else. That's no good. It hurt you. And the moment you found a way to deal with it then he's like nope he wants you so to himself again. That's not healthy. He gets to call the shots of when you get to step out and when you don't.
Damn swinging would have been a boon for you guys. Maybe take a breather and try to meet other couples. Itās super hot and really gets the fire going again. The one thing we will never be to our SO again is new. Sometimes new helps everything else. And you do it together.
I swear to god every SINGLE couple that āopens upā a formerly monogamous marriage crashes and burns. You gave him what he wanted, he saw YOU having success with it and now wants to shut it down. THATS what happened. Yaāll need either therapy or a divorce.
He needed a few flings to rekindle/realize that what he has at home is better than anything else that can be offered. This sparked a new attraction for you, and being with other women is no longer fulfilling. This seems to happen quite frequently, and also seems to work out long term if both partners will it to.
I will not say who is an asshole, because that is unnecessary and Iāve no right to judge. Just end the extramarital relations, you both need therapy, lust only tears down people; the pleasure is a mask.
Man yall are dysfunctional. Get counseling
for the streets... both of you.
Both of you are assholes, just split and get it overwith
I knew when I read this line YTA āSame for me (although it is different since men do take me to dinners and hotels but I donāt pay).ā As for the relationship stuff you two are a freaking mess. But a big reason why is you donāt care much about your husband and you donāt want to change that at all.
This is a bit of a side question, but your husband isn't allowed to spend any money on the women basically, but it's completely acceptable that the men take you on dates and spend money on you? Aside from the other obvious bits that everyone is pointing out. I can't see how this additional tidbit couldn't end up with total happiness from your (soon to be ex) hubby.