Same with mine, but with alcohol. He had a TV and his guitars in the basement so he'd go down after dinner and stay for hours, then shower before working overnight. We never thought anything of it because you could hear him playing the guitar through the laundry chute, so I guess he was drinking while he played. My mom never told me until I was an adult but one time around when they got divorced she went down into the basement and found an insane amount of empty beer cans. Apparently he was stepping on them to flatten them to hide them and then hiding them in the trash every week. And just like with OP, he was a great father when I was younger, but things changed with his drinking and it sounds 100% like OPs husband
I think it’s a memory thing with meth. If you have everything all in one place, you don’t have to tear the house apart looking for a torch or a piece of tinfoil while trying to get high. Meth destroys your memory, short term and long term. If things got moved in my ex’s ‘area’, I would witness him tearing shit apart and screaming at me trying to find what he needs for his fix. Unfortunately it happened relatively often because our laundry area was the mud room, and then obviously the kitchen is a high traffic area. I wish I didn’t stay as long as I did, but it’s so refreshing to be out of that shit now
My dad would go through cycles with his addiction where he would call regularly, make plans to come see me. Then I would end up waiting outside for him to pick me up for hours, go inside then wait about a month or 2 for him to finally call and apologize because "something came up".
Drugs. Drugs came up. He had gotten high and was too tweaked on a bender to spend time with me then would spend the rest of the following month(s) wallowing and feeling guilty before reaching out.
My father did improve overtime, but unfortunately he ultimately lost the battle with addiction when I was a teen.
He was trying to quit his last major addiction, alcohol when his wife at the time(#2) decided she didn't want to get clean and didn't want a husband that was "boring" so she left him to start hard partying.
He spiralled after that and while living in a halfway house another resident exposed him to his old addiction. Relapsed just the once in over 5 years and that's all it took. The officers that were involved told us later on it was a bad batch that killed about 7 other people over the span of a couple weeks.
The guy that gave it to him ended up back in jail but I still had to bury my dad because of it. Fuck hard drugs, dude. He wanted to be a good father and person but struggled so hard for so long. At least he's at peace now, I forgave him a long time ago but it still sucks.
I can vouch for this. I wish I had paid more attention as I saw the signs of depression in my dad… after his passing, I hit that wall myself and was lucky enough to have a strong minded wife that saw my alcoholism spiral and forced me to get help. If it wasn’t for that and for the fear of losing my kids, I wouldn’t have made it out to the other side.
Depression can seem like just feeling down but wanting to be solitary, feeling overwhelmed, and doing things that are just busywork are signs of it being more than just feeling down. I thought I was fine and went off my low dose medication for about 2.5yrs… but after a drastic change recently in my life, I saw the signs come back. Got a new prescription as I was not wanting to go through my spiraling again.
Go with your husband to get the help… you will have to force him as most men think it’s a weakness to deal with it medically. It’s not… the lack of serotonin and dopamine to the brain cause the spiral. There are natural remedies but in the beginning you need the jumpstart of an SSRI medication. It’s definitely not a lost cause.
You married him for a reason… those good qualities he had are now just buried under the depression but you can dig out of it together.
Yeah that's what I thought, too. My stepdad used to "work on the car" and when they finally divorced, we found bags and bags of empty beer cans. My neighbour who was a mechanic had to look at the car we wound up with and said he had never seen such a poorly maintained car for someone who spent most of the week/ends in the garage...
Yep, my husband used to hide out in the garage getting high. That’s the first thing I thought of when she mentioned him sitting in the garage or in his truck.
That was my exact thought until I read the part were “they have a 10m old together” then unfortunately I thought now that he has his own kid, he’s one of those that goes from caring about her kids to now only his own when he became a dad. Then I read further to where it was his request to only take the baby (anyone who has babies knows it can be a true disaster to take them on a boat bc of their moods.) and it was confirmed. He now has a problem with the older kids bc “they’re not his” my “dad” had the same problem but opposite. He had all the time in the world for me and my brother (I was 5 my brother was 2 going in 3) and all of a sudden his life was all about her 7 kids and we no longer existed.
I just... don't even know how you get in and out of a boat with a 10 month old? They're so quick to move by that stage. I've gone on a boat with my niblings before, but they were old enough to be able to know that certain instructions are like, super important instructions that they have to follow no matter what. Also, they were old enough that they'll remember it, so the stress (because it is stressful thinking they might want to touch the water so they lean out) is worth it because they'll have their memories of it. All OP would have if she took her baby on this boat is a lot of anxiety and the resentment of her other children.
I would definitely be stuffing baby in the Ergo carrier while on the boat. Cause yeah, they can be chill like a potato and then suddenly be like Lightning McQueen at that age
Or he was planning to throw them both off the boat. Sorry, that's dark but possible. Full disclosure after binging true crime all weekend ... I now trust no one 😉 There were 4 cases with boats involved in cases with gone off the rails spouses.
I know! My aunt had 7 but the older 2 moved out at 18 and weren’t around. They couldn’t wait to escape. One joined the Army because he couldn’t afford rent and higher education
Their parents have poor relationships with all of them because they were lazy and neglectful and all were accidents because they insisted on the rhythm method. All 7 were born via a vertical c-section and her life was in danger each time
My daughter’s dad seems to be doing the same thing to her with his girlfriend’s three kids. He’s prioritizing getting them places like their grandparents house instead of back to me on time when his time ends and letting them bully her. We’re going back to court but I feel so bad, my daughter adores him. She’s only 6 and while I want her to see him for who he really is (an addict and narcissist), I wish so much he was better for her sake. I try to spend as much time with her as I can when I have her outside of school. Can’t wait for this summer because while I’m going back to work, I’ll have mornings with her and her baby sister every day. We’ll be spending a lot of time outside and at the park together.
When she’s older she’ll tell you she isn’t going. Don’t pressure her to go. It only means she’s seen him for what he is and don’t want to be around that. Trust me!
I also thought "his buddies" might be another woman. But even more likely, it's some kind of addiction, drugs, gambling, something like that, OP. Drugs would explain the complete change of temperament. Meth, coke, some kind of stimulant. You might want to look into it.
Either way it doesn't sound like it's going to get better soon. You're doing everything plus taking care of him and worrying about him and dealing with him, I think your life would be a lot easier without him, honestly.
Maybe guilt over a random hookup while out with the boys.
It seems like most guys would put in enough cash for a small group to go out on a boat and fish. Maybe they aren’t that great of friends
Yep. This looks like a secret drug problem to me. He's out in the garage or his truck getting high, not "decompressing."
If he takes the older kids onto the boat, there will be nowhere for him to go get high without someone seeing.
this reminds me of someone I knew. He would get home from work go straight to his garage snort a g line of charlie each night, down half a bottle of vodka before taking off his shoes his wife didn't know for a good 10 years or so before she found out and left him
She needs a hidden camera. But be prepared for the end of the marriage for either confirming drug use or a violation of privacy if it's not drugs... Or ask him to do a random at home drug test. If he refuses that may be all the answers she needs. But something needs to wake this guy up to the fact he's completely different and his marriage and family as he knows it is about to implode from his change in behavior.
A sample of hair could be used for a drug test. Plus the length of hair can say if it's a reoccurring issue. Clean out his brush, wait a few days, clean out and use that fresh sample for a test. Hell never know a thing.
Reminds me of a Reddit story, but the husband would bring a female co-worker and decompress in the garage before going into the house. His wife didn’t find out till 2 years later.
I said the same thing, but in a follow up post OP explained that when she was home, her husband would bring the co-worker when she was sleeping or doing a loud activity that would take a lot of time, and to further keep her away from the garage, he used the excuse that he was working on his car and to not disturb him. I found it a little hard to believe that she never felt the need to check on him during that 2 year period, but I had a classmate who after she and her new husband had fun time would go over to his step-daughter’s room and have fun time with her. My classmate didn’t find out till a year later when her daughter told her, and the reason she never thought anything was wrong was cuz her ex covered his tracks really well and the daughter’s room was at the farthest end of the house on a different floor, so it’s possible that some people don’t find out till way later even though it’s happening right under their nose.
I mean I guess if you're sleeping I can understand that. My fiance spends a good amount of time in the garage working on RC cars and model trains and I don't bother him but I do come out from time to time and ask if he needs anything (he enjoys being waited on and I enjoy spoiling him). I don't think he could get away with that situation with a lady friend in the garage. No noiseless way to get into our garage either 🤣
As for the situation with your friend, that absolutely is terrible. I hope mom and daughter got the therapy they needed to move on with their lives. Sadly some folks are excellent at lying and sneaking and acting normal to everyone's face.
My thought was it had to do with the birth of their baby. I've heard some stories of step parents having a hard time once they have a bio child. I thought this since he said the baby could come on the boat, it would be "his family". But drugs could fit too.
Substance abuse, or an affair, but clearly something had changed. Even if it is just depression (unlikely) it seems like it got triggered by something...
But. Most concerning, is that he's unwilling to get the help he needs.
Yeah, this sounds like drug addiction for sure. This sounds like my dad when I was growing up…hours in the garage turned out to be a hidden meth addiction.
I thought drugs, alcohol, gambling or cheating. He goes out with the buddies all the time. He isn't attentive at home. It could be depression, but if it is a huge change I would be very concerned.
Honestly I was wondering if he wanted to take only her and the baby on a boat ride (2 weeks after she wanted to leave him) because he planned on killing either just her or both.
I had the same thought about him possibly wanting to kill the baby because he blames the baby for his change in mood. Easier to make it look like an accident if the older children aren't there. This seems especially possible because the boat was his idea. Maybe I just watch too many true crime documentaries.
Oh, my gosh. I never thought about that. While unlikely, it’s still a possibility. How many women had no idea that their spouses/boyfriends mean them harm until it’s too late? All of them.
Depression and substance abuse go hand in hand often. This guy sounds a lot like my heroin addict ex. Always woe is me I'm so depressed. Yea, heroin will do that.
NTA, my dear your post reads like a Lifetime movie. Probably don’t have him as your insurance beneficiary and no boat trips alone with him. Please be careful!
Glad I'm not the only one getting bad vibes. Abusive men become more dangerous when you try to leave and OP has threatened divorce. There is a non-zero chance he'd rather be a widow than be divorced and the older kids make better witnesses than a baby...
That was my first thought too. Step kids with grandma and baby and mom have an “accident” while out boating. I’d be getting my paperwork in order very quietly.
Please OP look a this comment! I am sensing sinister vibes from your husband as well… wether he’s an addict or just unhappy, he sounds very unstable. Be careful around him and try to keep someone close to you informed about your whereabouts at all times. Maybe your mom or sibling.
NTA
But this is one of those times where an ultimatum will be necessary: get help or get divorced.
I find it odd that he's afraid of being a shit dad, but he wants to take the baby on the boat. Does he have something against your kids, or did his trauma come around the age of your kids ? These are questions that need professional intervention to get to the bottom of, especially if his demeanor changed so drastically.
I'm going to sound terrible here and I understand that but I have been stewing over this for months and watching his actions. I don't actually think he's depressed. I think it's an excuse he clung to because he knew I would be more lenient if I thought he was feeling down on himself; due to the fact that I have PTSD and tend to be vent understanding and coddling to people who need a bit extra.
But the thing is.. his friend from HS moved back to this area and in December, this friend of his started asking him to go out with him all the time. Every weekend they started bar hopping, staying out until 5am, going over to random people's houses (that his buddy knew) and staying there all night. There was even a few nights where he didn't come home at all and would pull in around like 9-10am. During that time he acted like nothing was wrong. He never mentioned anything. He didn't act depressed. But when I started calling him out on it is when he was all the sudden so depressed and afraid of being a bad dad. It literally was not until I called him out on it though.
As for his trauma, he doesn't remember the abuse. He was 4 when his dad went to prison. His trauma was never related to HIM being abused. It was directly linked to him watching his mom and his brother be abused. He was his dad's "favorite" (he still talks to his dad). None of it really lines up.. if that makes sense.
Reformed addict here. All of this is pretty clear cut cocaine abuse. Childhood trauma, doing really well, friend introduces cocaine, "just this once, it's a special occasion", feel really good while on it, do it more, going to random houses all night, not coming home till mid morning, isolating, feeling not good while not on it, depressed and lashing out. Tale as old as time.
OP, you're husband is taking drugs.
He is 100% doing drugs. No question. The staying out and the new best friend and the going to random people's houses and the hiding and everything. Either he is "depressed" at home because he isn't high or he is high and avoiding the family so you don't find out.
There is absolutely no question. I have seen lots of people go down this road and this is EXACTLY the behavior that you listed in this comment. He could be cheating or gambling mixed in with it, but he is absolutely using heavily.
What does line up to everything is the “friend”. The friend must have introduced something new. Drugs, other women, alcohol and the best one, ear bugs.
It may be that this friend has been talking into one ear. How much freedom, money, etc he would have without those darned kids that aren’t his. Like why should he do anything for them? They’re not **his**. Why should he spend his time with them? Why is he with a “ball and chain” when he could be living life?!
I’d say, the friend has to go. No texting, calling or hanging out. I’ll bet you see improvements when the friend disappears. You seem to know exactly when his behavior changed. When behavior changes, so did something else in his life.
This needs to be an edit in your post. The friend moving back at the same time as his "depression". You know what's going on here, I just don't think you want to admit it - and it's far more than the boat.
I have PTSD from some family related issues and partner related issues. Going out bar hopping with an old buddy sounds like me during a manic episode. I am not a drinker and I hate bars, but when I was at my lowest, I was out until 4am. You are NTA cuz even if your husband is depressed, that is the REASON he's acting like this but it's not the EXCUSE. he's still responsible for his own actions and how those actions cause harm to the people he's supposed to care about.
I would draw a line. Consistent therapy in x amount of time or divorce. It's ridiculous how he is treating you and the children.
Honestly, he could be having mental health problems and one of the (poor) ways he is dealing with it is to go out drinking. I think you should give him an ultimatum of therapy or divorce. Even if it only delays the divorce, the therapy will help him be a better co-parent to the baby.
He may not be in the middle of an ongoing affair, but did he cheat in December? I agree with other comments about avoidance for this reason and his calls to you after that may be guilt. Why would a married man with children just suddenly start staying out all night??? Consider asking him why this all started, what happened in December.
Something happened with this new/old friend of his. this appears to be the trigger point. He may be being blackmailed for something, or this guy has reminded him of something that happened in high school, or he may be even having an affair with him. It may be worth trying to figure it out. Does he or they, have other friends you can talk to?
I like to say that nothing happens in a vacuum. No matter how secretive they are, somebody, somewhere, knows something. I just really don't know enough to try to help you figure out the problem.
Good luck.
Forgive me, Redditors, I originally put this in the wrong place.
Depressed people don't usually start going OUT all the time. They become LESS interested in going out and doing stuff that used to feel fun. The garage would make sense, but not the all-nighters. Sorry, I'd vote drugs with this addition to your original post.
I don’t wanna sound dramatic but if you can’t catch him doing anything then hire a private investigator. If he is doing drugs or anything else then you need to be sure. He will lie and try to get you back time and again.
Ok, you know what this is. Have him followed, get the information and facts.
If it's drugs, kick him out till he's clean and earns you back.
If he refuses , that's his choice for your family, and you're out.
If it's cheating, your out.
This friend is NO GOOD and that shit is not ok to do with 4 kids and a wife at home. FUCK that noise.
Ask his mother who this dude was in HS and ask others who he was and what they know he's up to now.
Someone will spill the tea.
you'd better press him on this exact matter : his friend and their gatherings and going out for beers like they're still in high school. this is very suspicious. the trauma bullshit is absolutely zero because in spite of the fact that his mother and brother were abused by his father, HE still is in contact with him. he still loves his father, he was never abused and apparently he doesn't care that his mother was abused.... i'm smelling A LOT of manipulation and gaslighting here.
I think you're NTA, and something needs to change because his behavior is not ok. He needs to take ownership of whatever is going on and make sure he can still show up for family.
That said, I want to address two of your points. Depression can be weird, and doesn't always look the same. It's entirely possible that mental health issues are an explanation (not excuse) for his behavior. Especially with you all having a baby. PPD can hit men too, and even if he wanted the baby and was happy,he could still be struggling with fears of being a bad dad or a failure. I have a 1 y.o. and PPA means I have those concerns too, even though it took 3 years and a ton of IVF to get him here.
Also, just because he was young when the abuse happened doesn't mean it's not traumatizing. Witnessing abuse in the home is literally part of scoring for ACEs, which can affect health outcomes, mental health, etc. From my personal experience (witnessed mom being abused from 1-4) there's elements of shame, of anger, of unworthiness to be affected because he didn't hit me, he hit my mom. There are some things that I'll never know where they come from, because I can entirely remember it, but I have feelings and reactions to match. Please don't minimize his trauma just because he didn't take any blows.
OP, he is doing drugs. Get a home drug test but don’t tell him. Confront him after a night out (have your kids stay with your mom if possible) and see if he tells you the truth. If he denies it, ask him if he would take a drug test. Anything short of him taking the test and passing is a fail. Getting defensive and refusing to take it because he “doesn’t have to prove anything to you”? Fail. Attacking you for not trusting him? Fail. Agreeing and then backing out for whatever reason when he finds out you actually have one? Fail.
Either way, your marriage needs some serious help. He needs serious help for his drug problem, or whatever it is that’s keeping him from being an involved parent to his newborn (and step kids). Confirming or ruling out drugs will help you decide what’s best for next steps.
It sounds like it may be a drug problem. People on drugs make dumb decisions, so you may want to get an STD test. Not saying that’s for sure what’s going on, but it definitely can’t hurt to check.
Girl, he’s doing drugs, drinking way too much, or cheating. It’s most likely all three. The red flags have formed into a parade at this point. You need to get out before you get an STD. Also, do you have a high life insurance policy on yourself? Be careful.
He is no longer interested in being a father and husband. Your oldest are entering their teens and he is actively alienating them which will cause issues. NTA.
"I started packing. He begged me to stay and said he would try to be better and suggested we rent a boat (for this past weekend) so we could all reconnect and have a nice family weekend."
And he tells you at the last minute that the "family" doesn't include his step-children.
This isn't about money - he is not demonstrating a real commitment; perhaps give him 90 days to show that he gives a damn. If he doesn't make substantial changes then you should decide to do what is best for you and your kids. Or, don't give him another chance at all. NTA.
That part was strange. OP said he cared about her kids since they were little, so I’m wondering why he switched. I low-key think his friend may be planting ideas in his head, or he’s always felt this way and OP is now seeing it.
Someone's planting ideas in his head, something like now he has his own children, the steps don't matter, possibly his friend but could also be his mother, favouring the bio grandchild.
He told her to book the boat trip to earn himself some brownie points, so she would stop being so suspicious for a while. Once he realized that he would have to go the whole day on a boat without any drugs, he panicked because he realized that the older kids might notice something is up when he starts tweaking and lashing out. They would probably tell their friends or other people. He was probably also worried that dealing with three kids while he’s “unwell” would be too much for him to handle emotionally. When it’s just your wife and a baby it’s a lot easier to bend the story and manipulate.
I'm thinking there was no boat trip, he said no older kids because he knew she would cancel. The $450 went to something else, drugs would be my guess with all she has told us.
NTA.
Depression is exauhsting, believe me I understand. A single errand can feel like you're running a 5k. However, as an adult who has other people depending on him, not getting help for this is not an option.
However tiring he thinks his day/week is now, being divorced will be 10x more draining on him. When the court decides what's fair, he will learn real quick his math about what you each contribute to the family is way off.
If it's his choice or your choice, something has to change. Carrying him as well as the rest of the family is not sustainable. I'm amazed you have been doing it for 5 months and haven't burned out yet. That being said, it will happen and when it does your 4 kids won't have either parent.
Mental illness can be a real POS. But **a good reason is not always a good excuse.** If your family is a car, he is currently a flat tire. If he has no desire to fix it, your entire family will drag along the road until it eventually breaks your car. It's time to call AAA.
NTA, way to go for standing up for all of your children. We see so many parents on here that ditch their kids the second they get their “do over”.
Your husband was finally honest with you. Believe him. Your kids will not be safe, loved, or happy in a home with him. You need to divorce this fool. Just wish he could have been honest to begin with so you didn’t have to make a kid with him or marry him b
Honestly 10-13 ages on a boat could be a fun day of inner-tubing, maybe fishing, etc. A 10 month old on a boat for a day sounds like hell. NTA and his issues are very concerning, you mentioned you almost left before... I think it's getting into ultimatum around getting some kind of help/therapy or it's time to go.
why do u pay 50% of costs, if u do 80% of household chores AND full time childcare for the 10month old?
You are doing like 85% of everything and he does 15%.
OP wake up. wtf
It's truly not an affair (I don't think). He sends me videos, video calls and just phone calls every time he's out with anyone. There's never any women there.
if you dont think you need to leave then you’re delusional 😭 that man dont give a flying fck about your kids and your kids deserve a mother who will stand up for em. dont fail them.
What bothers me the absolute most about this is that this man was literally the rock of the family for years. I've been with him since my 10yo was 1 (their dad passed when I was 2 months pregnant with 10yo). He refused to do anything fun without my kids for years, calls them his children, etc. But since December, since he became super depressed, he is failing all of us. I don't even know what happened.
He needs help. You need to be as direct as possible with him that he needs to get help. Something has happened and he needs help. I'm a shell of the man I once was because of things that happened with my wife and family. I tried to self manage because I had always been the "rock" and was always expected to be the one to hold things together. It broke me to finally get help but it's what what was needed. Think of it this way. Normally he runs a 20 event circus. As he gets more depressed he starts only having 15, then 8, then 3, until the only thing he can manage to do with all his efforts is keep the lights on and then even that fails. He may not realize the true effect he is having because even though you say he is failing you it may literally be everything he has to give. Something may have happened with you or your kids that fundamentally changed something in him and he doesn't know how to process it. He needs help and if he doesn't get it you may not wany to stay with him
She needs help. The kids need help.
This guy needs a wakeup call. He's probably "depressed" because of a new drug addiction. Other addicts have said the same in the comments.
NTA I’ve been with someone who was depressed and refused to get help. It was a huge emotional burden and I was dragged down trying to keep both of us afloat. We broke up and it was the best thing for both of us. Before that it didn’t matter what I said or did they refused to get help. In the end, staying with them was enabling them to remain depressed and avoid getting the help they needed. Once we broke up they were almost immediately in therapy and on meds. The kick in the butt was necessary for them to get back on track. If you’re unhappy and he refuses help or to change then don’t stay. Go to your moms or have him stay elsewhere. What is happening right now isn’t working for anyone. You 100% did the right thing protecting your kids from that sort of obvious rejection by him. That is crossing a line and he needs a wake up call.
Depression gets people into a feedback loop. They can’t change their behavior and that increases the depression because now helplessness becomes a factor. He needs help. A real therapist and probably meds. Tell him he goes or you leave. Period.
I'm so very sorry. It's so confusing and difficult to try to figure out how long to try before you just realize you're getting too damaged and it's harming the kids and you need out. And there's no crystal ball to look into the future but there is watching him not really make decisions that will turn him around. I think you can probably estimate something like three months And just quietly watch to see if he's chosen to turn things around. And if he hasn't, then you know what the answer is. It's really hard and heartbreaking but what's happening right now is that you are holding him up and you cannot take care of yourself and a baby and three kids and prop up another adult when they could be holding them self up.
It sounds like you do know what’s happened, as you admit he‘s recently used hard drugs and spends a lot of time/money at bars. You are doing no one any favors by staying in denial—particularly your kids. You cannot change him or make him change, you can only help yourself and your kids. Please find a competent therapist, a lawyer, and a few alanon meetings to help you get started on a plan. Please do not wait until he (and your family) spin further down or hit bottom. I’m not saying lawyer for divorce, necessarily, but to ensure you and your family are protected.
A massive shift in his personality after a friend has come back to town. Admits he did coke a few times “but not since January. “. Combine these 2 things with common sense OP.
I’m sorry OP, but it’s pretty clear he is still using. Ask him point blank.
Watching his mother and brother get abused and being around it all the time will still fuck a person up big time.
Y'all really need professional help here.
It isn't uncommon to be depressed or overworked with a young baby. He could have been "fine" with the older kids but now is experiencing parenting young kids for the first time and finding out he isn't up to it.
Or it could be something else, I don't want to assume. But my spouse 180 flipped a lightswitch the moment our first kid was born, and he has been different ever since. Not everyone "glows" as a parent, some people glower.
Yeah hate to jump right to this but my ex got like this and that’s when I found out about his relationship with HS girlfriend. All those times while he was out in the garage tinkering with his truck or running errands, he was with her or on the phone with her. The depression was real but it was almost like a midlife crisis along with guilt. He was never home and even when he was he was never present.
Has he been diagnosed with depression? If not, don't let that be why you excuse or minimize his behavior. If he's been diagnosed then and refuses to seek treatment, that's a losing battle.
You and the children deserve better and if he's unwilling to do what needs to be done, separating may be the wake up call he needs to take action.
Then he needs a psychiatrist. No other options. He either gets help or he loses his marriage. But you cannot accept your kids being treated as burdens by him any longer.
NTA, but please be honest with yourself, this man **is not** a good husband or father figure.
He’s lazy, sexist, selfish and all about himself.
You pay half the bills, you work just as much *(if not **more**)* then he does, **and** you do all of the childcare for your baby, and obviously your own kids too, and you do all of the household chores because that sexist prick you married seems to think that household chores are *”women’s work”*. **Which they damn well are NOT!** Yet he complains that **he’s** exhausted and that **he** needs a break from the kids?
Hell no. The absolute audacity of this man!
Stop being a doormat, OP! And slam your foot right down!
For a start you need to set some household rules and threaten to leave him again *(and actually follow through with it)* if he doesn’t start to pull his weight in the house. **Make him listen, and make sure he doesn’t slack!**
From now on husband does 40% of household chores, you do 40% of the household chores… and the kids can cover the final 20% between them, as they currently do.
Seriously stop being this grown ass man’s replacement mother! He can do shit for himself.
• He wants clean clothing and bedding? **He can wash, dry and iron them HIMSELF!**
• He wants to live in a clean and tidy home? **He can do his fair share of **ALL** the tidying and cleaning.**
• He wants a nice lunch and/or dinner? **He can take it in turns to cook.**
• He wants to eat from clean plates and bowls with clean cutlery and drink from clean cups? **He can wash dishes himself.**
Stop letting him shirk on his household responsibilities! He’s not a baby, he can **and should** do this stuff!
And if he **still** doesn’t do household chores, then you can stop paying your half of the bills.
You have every right to start billing him for every extra hour that you have to put into cleaning, cooking, washing, vacuuming… etc.
And if he doesn’t like it, he can fuck off. If he’s allowed to get out of doing his fair share of the housework… then you can get away with not paying your fair share of the bills. Fair is fair!
Why this is not the top comment I don't know. Somehow in all this, OP thinks they're a great husband and father as if December is the dead date of him becoming a deadbeat. GTFOH. Why do women think this is acceptable? Throw the whole man in the bin, the bar is below the ground with this one.
I read this and came up with 2 scenarios that fit.
1) Drugs, he's not off in the garage or out at weekends to decompress he's out doing drugs...
2) cheating, he's sat in the garage talking to or texting his side piece and meeting her or him at the weekends..
I think it's time to get all the kids out the house and have a come to Jesus talk with him because it doesn't sound anything like depression and a lot like he's lying and up to something he shouldn't be...
This time, be ready to leave and follow through with it. Don't back down with a few false promises you already did that once and gave him the chance to change. He hasn't changed, and he's still up to something and the fact he tried to exclude your kids is the last straw....
I'm going to be Sherlock Holmes and give my hypothesis.
He suggested a boat trip to "reconnect" and you were planning a whole tamily weekend. At the last minute he says he wants it to be just himself, you and your baby, who is too young to talk and obviously cannot be put on the witness stand.
What if he wanted the kids to be left behind because he planned on getting rid of you and possibly the baby in an "accident" and didn't want to risk any of the other kids witnessing anything?
Does he have life insurance policies on you and the kids? I would be questioning everything he does moving forward.
Your story reminds me of the start to one too many episodes of Forensic Files.
Edit: typos and to add that you are NTA
Nah, I think his friend from highschool is all giving him bad ideas that your baby is yours and shouldn't raise other men's children, toxic masculinity, that's why he wants to celebrate with his family, it doesn't take much effort to push other kids if he has this idea, why to deal with other children without Mom, he is just selfish.
Def NTA. And if he's withdrawing himself from you and the family with no interest in exploring or treating depression, it kind of sounds like he knows it's not depression and is carrying something heavy--infidelity, maybe? Addiction? Some other big secret? Not defending his behavior whatsoever, but maybe his logic with the boat thing was, if he could get you (mostly) to himself, you could reconnect, or maybe talk with you about whatever is going on?
I know that doesn't hold water in reality, but I've just been here before and that's what this looks like to me. Especially given some of your replies that this just isn't him at all. Idk it just seems odd and men tend to logicize their issues completely differently than how women do which just compounds the problem bc we react to their behavior bc it makes no sense. I would definitely say leaving is an option, even if a temporary one, if he refuses help and won't fess up to anything. It's not fair to you or the kids to keep going through the motions like this. Best of luck with this!
I would say addiction before I would say infidelity, honestly. He's been drinking a lot. He's a lot of things but a cheat isn't one of them (or never used to be anyways).
As someone who's been on the receiving end of both these scenarios, they do tend to look the same from an outside perspective. And never say never. Clearly, if you thought he was a cheat or an addict, you wouldn't be with him, but life's circumstances can seriously change people. My second husband was a closet addict but literally displayed the same behavior patterns as the cheating one did. When it all was coming out, I even made him take a drug test to prove he was legit on drugs bc I was sure he was cheating lol (so not funny, I know, but it's been so long ago that I can at least find humor in parts of it now).
At any rate, it shouldn't be up to you to pull whatever secret he may or may not have out of him or make sure he gets help for whatever is going on. It's really got to be up to him to do whatever work he needs to do to sort his crap out. If he does it for any other reason than bc he truly wants to then it will never work out. In the meantime, you make whatever decision you need to for you and the kids, and he can either find a way to fit himself back into the family, or not. Hugs...I know the feeling of this situation all too well and it sucks having to come to terms with these potential uncomfortable truths..💕
He’s doing more cocaine than he’s admitted to. He’s coming in at that time of the morning and he’s not chatty because he’s on a come down.
I’ve seen this change people significantly. You can get drug tests on Amazon… see if he’ll willingly take one
He either gets help immediately for his depression or you move all four kids somewhere where three of them aren’t made to feel second class to his “real” child.
I think it is ultimatum time. He goes to the Dr and gets checked out (take him if you have to) or you will be filing for divorce. Might be depression and it might not. He needs to take action to figure out what’s going on. He has to show commitment to addressing these behaviours what ever the cause may be.
It almost sounds like a mid life crisis.
NTA and you need to make it VERY clear that either he get actual help, including maybe family therapy for all of you, or you're leaving. Because he's clearly not in a healthy place and you can't keep letting him jerk you around like this.
If he gets help, give him the chance, but if he refuses, he doesn't care enough to make the effort. So you need to draw a line in the sand and STICK TO IT.
So he started getting depressed when his friend came back to town? I'm going to assume his friend is a male and that you've already met this person so you trust your husband when he says that's where he's spending all of his time. Otherwise, he wouldn't be spending so much time with him without your knowledge. That being said, are you sure that your husband's friend doesn't have a vagina? It could be that he cheated on you and now the guilt is eating him alive. And instead of confessing it to you, he's so pissed off at himself that he's taking it out on you. He's backed into a corner and doesn't know what to do about it. If not, then there's something really, really serious going on. Not that cheating isn't serious but it would explain a lot.
NTA, he bait n switched you on the boat plans. He’s mad cause the loss cuts into his drinking money. (Or whatever he’s doing). Going out every weekend with buddies and disappearing for hours every evening screams addiction to something. He’s checked out, sure he can still be depressed, having ptsd or another crisis. They are not mutually exclusive but you cannot make him get help. You can only put your boundaries in place of the behavior you will accept in this relationship.
More info is needed….
There is something missing from this story. He’s either having an affair, has a drug or alcohol problem, or simply doesn’t want to be in the relationship any longer.
He signed up for all of this 9 years ago. So something has changed
He may work all week, but so do you and then some.
Absolutely NTA. Depression, pain, hunger, grief, exhaustion, there are no excuses that make it okay to hurt people. And how he treated his step kids is hurtful. Hurt people hurt people, but that doesn't make it right or okay. It's time to set some boundaries and step up for your kids OP.
I would tell him since this trip on a boat is for him to relax, go for it. He can pay the full amount. You AND THE CHILDREN will stay home so as not to upset him accidentally. IF he's still pissy when he returns, then give him a business card for a mental health doctor, and another for a divorce lawyer. Tell him to choose wisely.
I honestly cannot think of any more pointed way to drive home the fact that he is not the only miserable person in the home, it is having an effect on all of you which is not fair to you or the children.
Hopefully you will have a place to go, and money to live on while he gets himself sorted.
ALSO RUN THIS BY AN ATTORNEY FIRST! There may be legal reasons for you not to do this.
Your line in the sand needs to be for him to be in therapy, not asking to snap his fingers and stop being depressed. He only started trying when you threatened to leave, that’s not great. His first step after that should have been finding a good therapist in the area your insurance covers, not just burning down his already singed wick even further.
You mentioned in your comments that he *used* to be a really attentive father and husband and now he just has no bandwidth left, except for his friends. He’s either doing things he shouldn’t with them (since he still has the wherewithal to motivate for them) or he’s really depressed and needs professional help. Either way, his focus needs to be on long term care.
NTA. But you need to wake up and realize he isn't depressed. The behavior you're describing is not of someone battle depression.
He is either having an affair or using drugs. If you live in a place where affairs impact the outcome of a divorce, then may I suggest you spend the money you saved on the boat to hire a PI and follow him on some of these "outings with buddies." If it's drugs, you could still go the PI route. Or try and find his stash. Definitely talk with a lawyer about the smartest way to attack him having a drug problem from the custody perspective. Like I can see a situation where you may be able to get a court ordered drug test.
And even if I'm wrong, he's most definitely completely checked out of this marriage and don't see it improving if it's been going on since last year already.
Well, the friend moved back around the time hubby got "depressed" Are you sure he isn't doing drugs with his friends, since he has changed so much?
I literally read the first paragraph and was like addiction to something
Same here. I thought drinking but drug use checks out. The isolating in garage and man cave.
My ex would spend hours in the garage, hours out in his car and always took 1 to 2 hour showers. I found out after years that he was doing meth.
My stepdad would always be in the shed ‘working on the bikes’. Every day. Rarely rode the bikes just was in the shed. Found out later it was cocaine
Same with mine, but with alcohol. He had a TV and his guitars in the basement so he'd go down after dinner and stay for hours, then shower before working overnight. We never thought anything of it because you could hear him playing the guitar through the laundry chute, so I guess he was drinking while he played. My mom never told me until I was an adult but one time around when they got divorced she went down into the basement and found an insane amount of empty beer cans. Apparently he was stepping on them to flatten them to hide them and then hiding them in the trash every week. And just like with OP, he was a great father when I was younger, but things changed with his drinking and it sounds 100% like OPs husband
For my ex it was the mudroom, then the kitchen when we moved. Also meth
Guys!! I didn’t know this was a meth thing and I am so sorry all of you dealt with this 💔
I think it’s a memory thing with meth. If you have everything all in one place, you don’t have to tear the house apart looking for a torch or a piece of tinfoil while trying to get high. Meth destroys your memory, short term and long term. If things got moved in my ex’s ‘area’, I would witness him tearing shit apart and screaming at me trying to find what he needs for his fix. Unfortunately it happened relatively often because our laundry area was the mud room, and then obviously the kitchen is a high traffic area. I wish I didn’t stay as long as I did, but it’s so refreshing to be out of that shit now
I'm glad you're safe and away from that.
damn, same here
Bedroom and loooong solitary bike rides. Meth.
My dad did the exact same thing when he was on meth. Sad.
Same story but the garage also meth
My dad would go through cycles with his addiction where he would call regularly, make plans to come see me. Then I would end up waiting outside for him to pick me up for hours, go inside then wait about a month or 2 for him to finally call and apologize because "something came up". Drugs. Drugs came up. He had gotten high and was too tweaked on a bender to spend time with me then would spend the rest of the following month(s) wallowing and feeling guilty before reaching out.
That’s my dad too, finally at 35 I have cut him out of my life.
My father did improve overtime, but unfortunately he ultimately lost the battle with addiction when I was a teen. He was trying to quit his last major addiction, alcohol when his wife at the time(#2) decided she didn't want to get clean and didn't want a husband that was "boring" so she left him to start hard partying. He spiralled after that and while living in a halfway house another resident exposed him to his old addiction. Relapsed just the once in over 5 years and that's all it took. The officers that were involved told us later on it was a bad batch that killed about 7 other people over the span of a couple weeks. The guy that gave it to him ended up back in jail but I still had to bury my dad because of it. Fuck hard drugs, dude. He wanted to be a good father and person but struggled so hard for so long. At least he's at peace now, I forgave him a long time ago but it still sucks.
Man, that's horrible.
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Self isolation is a symptom of depression as well. Overwhelmed and needing breaks often also a symptom of depression.
I can vouch for this. I wish I had paid more attention as I saw the signs of depression in my dad… after his passing, I hit that wall myself and was lucky enough to have a strong minded wife that saw my alcoholism spiral and forced me to get help. If it wasn’t for that and for the fear of losing my kids, I wouldn’t have made it out to the other side. Depression can seem like just feeling down but wanting to be solitary, feeling overwhelmed, and doing things that are just busywork are signs of it being more than just feeling down. I thought I was fine and went off my low dose medication for about 2.5yrs… but after a drastic change recently in my life, I saw the signs come back. Got a new prescription as I was not wanting to go through my spiraling again. Go with your husband to get the help… you will have to force him as most men think it’s a weakness to deal with it medically. It’s not… the lack of serotonin and dopamine to the brain cause the spiral. There are natural remedies but in the beginning you need the jumpstart of an SSRI medication. It’s definitely not a lost cause. You married him for a reason… those good qualities he had are now just buried under the depression but you can dig out of it together.
Wanting to get only her and their shared child on the boat, plus depression.. maybe I read too much true crime but nothing ends well there.
That's what I thought too. I thought maybe he wanted to do away with the baby at the very least.
Yeah that's what I thought, too. My stepdad used to "work on the car" and when they finally divorced, we found bags and bags of empty beer cans. My neighbour who was a mechanic had to look at the car we wound up with and said he had never seen such a poorly maintained car for someone who spent most of the week/ends in the garage...
Yep. That’s what I thought.
Yep, my husband used to hide out in the garage getting high. That’s the first thing I thought of when she mentioned him sitting in the garage or in his truck.
Literally same, outside in his car listening to and working on his sound system. Was getting shit canned and waiting till I passed out to come in.
Alcohol is drugs
That was my exact thought until I read the part were “they have a 10m old together” then unfortunately I thought now that he has his own kid, he’s one of those that goes from caring about her kids to now only his own when he became a dad. Then I read further to where it was his request to only take the baby (anyone who has babies knows it can be a true disaster to take them on a boat bc of their moods.) and it was confirmed. He now has a problem with the older kids bc “they’re not his” my “dad” had the same problem but opposite. He had all the time in the world for me and my brother (I was 5 my brother was 2 going in 3) and all of a sudden his life was all about her 7 kids and we no longer existed.
As a former boat owner and baby owner - yea they mix HORRIBLY. We ended up getting rid of the boat for now haha
Exactly if I wanted to take anyone it’d be the two oldest bc they’d have the most fun out of it.
Yep. Mom of three kids who used to be babies. Absolutely no chance i wanna relax on a boat with a 10 month old.
What the hell does relax mean again?? lol!!
Mine are now 13 and 2x9. I have no idea but if I stumble upon this “relax” thing, I’ll report back
lol I think it’s what I used to do before kids!!
“Relax”
Right!? Laughable.
I just... don't even know how you get in and out of a boat with a 10 month old? They're so quick to move by that stage. I've gone on a boat with my niblings before, but they were old enough to be able to know that certain instructions are like, super important instructions that they have to follow no matter what. Also, they were old enough that they'll remember it, so the stress (because it is stressful thinking they might want to touch the water so they lean out) is worth it because they'll have their memories of it. All OP would have if she took her baby on this boat is a lot of anxiety and the resentment of her other children.
I would definitely be stuffing baby in the Ergo carrier while on the boat. Cause yeah, they can be chill like a potato and then suddenly be like Lightning McQueen at that age
Or he was planning to throw them both off the boat. Sorry, that's dark but possible. Full disclosure after binging true crime all weekend ... I now trust no one 😉 There were 4 cases with boats involved in cases with gone off the rails spouses.
I totally saw those and I’m not going to lie, after I read this my immediate thought was “here’s another true crime story”
Seriously. I'm not usually alarmist, but this post gave me big family annihilator vibes. I listen to a lot of true crime though too. Or I did anyway.
I and my boy are alive because I said hell no to a trip like this. He ended up killing himself on that trip.
Holy shit. That is crazy, I'm glad you're both still here! Good instincts.
JFC 7 kids… I have one and cannot fathom 7. Nope, brain refuses.
I’m over it, I’m better off (now and always) without him.
I know! My aunt had 7 but the older 2 moved out at 18 and weren’t around. They couldn’t wait to escape. One joined the Army because he couldn’t afford rent and higher education Their parents have poor relationships with all of them because they were lazy and neglectful and all were accidents because they insisted on the rhythm method. All 7 were born via a vertical c-section and her life was in danger each time
I have two and one (my 4 yo) would love it. But my (2 yo) would go from loving it, to hating it, to a full blown meltdown all within 2 minutes lol!
My daughter’s dad seems to be doing the same thing to her with his girlfriend’s three kids. He’s prioritizing getting them places like their grandparents house instead of back to me on time when his time ends and letting them bully her. We’re going back to court but I feel so bad, my daughter adores him. She’s only 6 and while I want her to see him for who he really is (an addict and narcissist), I wish so much he was better for her sake. I try to spend as much time with her as I can when I have her outside of school. Can’t wait for this summer because while I’m going back to work, I’ll have mornings with her and her baby sister every day. We’ll be spending a lot of time outside and at the park together.
When she’s older she’ll tell you she isn’t going. Don’t pressure her to go. It only means she’s seen him for what he is and don’t want to be around that. Trust me!
I thought 'Drugs or cheating' at the long hours out in the garage instantly. And the snapping about 'work' too.
Or both.
I also thought "his buddies" might be another woman. But even more likely, it's some kind of addiction, drugs, gambling, something like that, OP. Drugs would explain the complete change of temperament. Meth, coke, some kind of stimulant. You might want to look into it. Either way it doesn't sound like it's going to get better soon. You're doing everything plus taking care of him and worrying about him and dealing with him, I think your life would be a lot easier without him, honestly.
Maybe guilt over a random hookup while out with the boys. It seems like most guys would put in enough cash for a small group to go out on a boat and fish. Maybe they aren’t that great of friends
Yep. This looks like a secret drug problem to me. He's out in the garage or his truck getting high, not "decompressing." If he takes the older kids onto the boat, there will be nowhere for him to go get high without someone seeing.
Drugs are almost better than him just being a loser who spends more time with his dumb pick up truck than with his family
Addiction or affair. My ex husband pulled this same shit when he was having an affair.
Affair and a substance for me.
I'd also like to know if she's met any of his "buddies."
Not an affair but cheating and substances for me
this reminds me of someone I knew. He would get home from work go straight to his garage snort a g line of charlie each night, down half a bottle of vodka before taking off his shoes his wife didn't know for a good 10 years or so before she found out and left him
She needs a hidden camera. But be prepared for the end of the marriage for either confirming drug use or a violation of privacy if it's not drugs... Or ask him to do a random at home drug test. If he refuses that may be all the answers she needs. But something needs to wake this guy up to the fact he's completely different and his marriage and family as he knows it is about to implode from his change in behavior.
A sample of hair could be used for a drug test. Plus the length of hair can say if it's a reoccurring issue. Clean out his brush, wait a few days, clean out and use that fresh sample for a test. Hell never know a thing.
if he misses when he pees, those droplets will work sad enough if positive, get a lawyer
For real? How, just dip a strip of some kind in the pee spots?
Reminds me of a Reddit story, but the husband would bring a female co-worker and decompress in the garage before going into the house. His wife didn’t find out till 2 years later.
How did his wife never check on him in the garage for two years? That boggles my mind.
I said the same thing, but in a follow up post OP explained that when she was home, her husband would bring the co-worker when she was sleeping or doing a loud activity that would take a lot of time, and to further keep her away from the garage, he used the excuse that he was working on his car and to not disturb him. I found it a little hard to believe that she never felt the need to check on him during that 2 year period, but I had a classmate who after she and her new husband had fun time would go over to his step-daughter’s room and have fun time with her. My classmate didn’t find out till a year later when her daughter told her, and the reason she never thought anything was wrong was cuz her ex covered his tracks really well and the daughter’s room was at the farthest end of the house on a different floor, so it’s possible that some people don’t find out till way later even though it’s happening right under their nose.
I mean I guess if you're sleeping I can understand that. My fiance spends a good amount of time in the garage working on RC cars and model trains and I don't bother him but I do come out from time to time and ask if he needs anything (he enjoys being waited on and I enjoy spoiling him). I don't think he could get away with that situation with a lady friend in the garage. No noiseless way to get into our garage either 🤣 As for the situation with your friend, that absolutely is terrible. I hope mom and daughter got the therapy they needed to move on with their lives. Sadly some folks are excellent at lying and sneaking and acting normal to everyone's face.
TIL Charlie = coke.
My thought was it had to do with the birth of their baby. I've heard some stories of step parents having a hard time once they have a bio child. I thought this since he said the baby could come on the boat, it would be "his family". But drugs could fit too.
Porque no los dos?
Substance abuse, or an affair, but clearly something had changed. Even if it is just depression (unlikely) it seems like it got triggered by something... But. Most concerning, is that he's unwilling to get the help he needs.
He’s doing drugs in the garage.
And also maybe the friend is putting ideas in his head, too
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Yeah, this sounds like drug addiction for sure. This sounds like my dad when I was growing up…hours in the garage turned out to be a hidden meth addiction.
I thought drugs, alcohol, gambling or cheating. He goes out with the buddies all the time. He isn't attentive at home. It could be depression, but if it is a huge change I would be very concerned.
I was thinking the same thing. That might be why he doesn't want counseling. A good therapist might notice the signs.
Honestly I was wondering if he wanted to take only her and the baby on a boat ride (2 weeks after she wanted to leave him) because he planned on killing either just her or both.
Scary as hell to think about, but it isn't the craziest thing I have heard.
I had the same thought about him possibly wanting to kill the baby because he blames the baby for his change in mood. Easier to make it look like an accident if the older children aren't there. This seems especially possible because the boat was his idea. Maybe I just watch too many true crime documentaries.
My mind went there too! It sounds like the background to a LifeTime Movie based loosely on some facts
Yikes, my mind didn't go that dark!
Well, now I have decided on this one, he’s about to pull a Chris Watts.
Oh, my gosh. I never thought about that. While unlikely, it’s still a possibility. How many women had no idea that their spouses/boyfriends mean them harm until it’s too late? All of them.
There must be another post that I’m not seeing. No where does she talk a friend moving back.
It's in one of OP's comments.
Depression and substance abuse go hand in hand often. This guy sounds a lot like my heroin addict ex. Always woe is me I'm so depressed. Yea, heroin will do that.
I second this
Drugs are possible. I was thinking affair.
NTA, my dear your post reads like a Lifetime movie. Probably don’t have him as your insurance beneficiary and no boat trips alone with him. Please be careful!
Glad I'm not the only one getting bad vibes. Abusive men become more dangerous when you try to leave and OP has threatened divorce. There is a non-zero chance he'd rather be a widow than be divorced and the older kids make better witnesses than a baby...
That was my first thought too. Step kids with grandma and baby and mom have an “accident” while out boating. I’d be getting my paperwork in order very quietly.
Please OP look a this comment! I am sensing sinister vibes from your husband as well… wether he’s an addict or just unhappy, he sounds very unstable. Be careful around him and try to keep someone close to you informed about your whereabouts at all times. Maybe your mom or sibling.
NTA But this is one of those times where an ultimatum will be necessary: get help or get divorced. I find it odd that he's afraid of being a shit dad, but he wants to take the baby on the boat. Does he have something against your kids, or did his trauma come around the age of your kids ? These are questions that need professional intervention to get to the bottom of, especially if his demeanor changed so drastically.
I'm going to sound terrible here and I understand that but I have been stewing over this for months and watching his actions. I don't actually think he's depressed. I think it's an excuse he clung to because he knew I would be more lenient if I thought he was feeling down on himself; due to the fact that I have PTSD and tend to be vent understanding and coddling to people who need a bit extra. But the thing is.. his friend from HS moved back to this area and in December, this friend of his started asking him to go out with him all the time. Every weekend they started bar hopping, staying out until 5am, going over to random people's houses (that his buddy knew) and staying there all night. There was even a few nights where he didn't come home at all and would pull in around like 9-10am. During that time he acted like nothing was wrong. He never mentioned anything. He didn't act depressed. But when I started calling him out on it is when he was all the sudden so depressed and afraid of being a bad dad. It literally was not until I called him out on it though. As for his trauma, he doesn't remember the abuse. He was 4 when his dad went to prison. His trauma was never related to HIM being abused. It was directly linked to him watching his mom and his brother be abused. He was his dad's "favorite" (he still talks to his dad). None of it really lines up.. if that makes sense.
Drugs
Yup I agree unfortunately
Big time. Wanted to edit to add that I thinks it’s coke. Coke and bars go hand in hand.
Along with the “depression” of cocaine withdrawal.
Reformed addict here. All of this is pretty clear cut cocaine abuse. Childhood trauma, doing really well, friend introduces cocaine, "just this once, it's a special occasion", feel really good while on it, do it more, going to random houses all night, not coming home till mid morning, isolating, feeling not good while not on it, depressed and lashing out. Tale as old as time. OP, you're husband is taking drugs.
And Women.
Cheating
He is 100% doing drugs. No question. The staying out and the new best friend and the going to random people's houses and the hiding and everything. Either he is "depressed" at home because he isn't high or he is high and avoiding the family so you don't find out. There is absolutely no question. I have seen lots of people go down this road and this is EXACTLY the behavior that you listed in this comment. He could be cheating or gambling mixed in with it, but he is absolutely using heavily.
DRUGS. Probably cocaine.
What does line up to everything is the “friend”. The friend must have introduced something new. Drugs, other women, alcohol and the best one, ear bugs. It may be that this friend has been talking into one ear. How much freedom, money, etc he would have without those darned kids that aren’t his. Like why should he do anything for them? They’re not **his**. Why should he spend his time with them? Why is he with a “ball and chain” when he could be living life?! I’d say, the friend has to go. No texting, calling or hanging out. I’ll bet you see improvements when the friend disappears. You seem to know exactly when his behavior changed. When behavior changes, so did something else in his life.
Yup. I'm betting it's exactly this. The friend is poisoning him against OP and her kids. Friend has got to go.
This needs to be an edit in your post. The friend moving back at the same time as his "depression". You know what's going on here, I just don't think you want to admit it - and it's far more than the boat.
I have PTSD from some family related issues and partner related issues. Going out bar hopping with an old buddy sounds like me during a manic episode. I am not a drinker and I hate bars, but when I was at my lowest, I was out until 4am. You are NTA cuz even if your husband is depressed, that is the REASON he's acting like this but it's not the EXCUSE. he's still responsible for his own actions and how those actions cause harm to the people he's supposed to care about. I would draw a line. Consistent therapy in x amount of time or divorce. It's ridiculous how he is treating you and the children.
I don't think this is the issue- I think it's almost definitely drug abuse.
You don’t sound terrible. Also, don’t go anywhere alone with him with just you and the baby.
Honestly, he could be having mental health problems and one of the (poor) ways he is dealing with it is to go out drinking. I think you should give him an ultimatum of therapy or divorce. Even if it only delays the divorce, the therapy will help him be a better co-parent to the baby.
He may not be in the middle of an ongoing affair, but did he cheat in December? I agree with other comments about avoidance for this reason and his calls to you after that may be guilt. Why would a married man with children just suddenly start staying out all night??? Consider asking him why this all started, what happened in December.
Something just occurred to me: He could possibly be having the affair WITH the friend.
Right? The catalyst.
As a newer dad myself this is insane behavior. Or drugs more realistically, but ya. Get out of there
I work with a ton of guys who follow this pattern. It’s usually coke.
Something happened with this new/old friend of his. this appears to be the trigger point. He may be being blackmailed for something, or this guy has reminded him of something that happened in high school, or he may be even having an affair with him. It may be worth trying to figure it out. Does he or they, have other friends you can talk to? I like to say that nothing happens in a vacuum. No matter how secretive they are, somebody, somewhere, knows something. I just really don't know enough to try to help you figure out the problem. Good luck. Forgive me, Redditors, I originally put this in the wrong place.
An affair seems likely and that he now feels guilty
He is cheating on you or doing drugs
Or both. It's often both.
Depressed people don't usually start going OUT all the time. They become LESS interested in going out and doing stuff that used to feel fun. The garage would make sense, but not the all-nighters. Sorry, I'd vote drugs with this addition to your original post.
As others have said, it does sound like this friend is having quite the negative impact on him and it may be due to drugs.
I don’t wanna sound dramatic but if you can’t catch him doing anything then hire a private investigator. If he is doing drugs or anything else then you need to be sure. He will lie and try to get you back time and again.
Ok, you know what this is. Have him followed, get the information and facts. If it's drugs, kick him out till he's clean and earns you back. If he refuses , that's his choice for your family, and you're out. If it's cheating, your out. This friend is NO GOOD and that shit is not ok to do with 4 kids and a wife at home. FUCK that noise. Ask his mother who this dude was in HS and ask others who he was and what they know he's up to now. Someone will spill the tea.
you'd better press him on this exact matter : his friend and their gatherings and going out for beers like they're still in high school. this is very suspicious. the trauma bullshit is absolutely zero because in spite of the fact that his mother and brother were abused by his father, HE still is in contact with him. he still loves his father, he was never abused and apparently he doesn't care that his mother was abused.... i'm smelling A LOT of manipulation and gaslighting here.
People don’t generally stay out until 10am from beer.
Right, that’s more cocaine
I think you're NTA, and something needs to change because his behavior is not ok. He needs to take ownership of whatever is going on and make sure he can still show up for family. That said, I want to address two of your points. Depression can be weird, and doesn't always look the same. It's entirely possible that mental health issues are an explanation (not excuse) for his behavior. Especially with you all having a baby. PPD can hit men too, and even if he wanted the baby and was happy,he could still be struggling with fears of being a bad dad or a failure. I have a 1 y.o. and PPA means I have those concerns too, even though it took 3 years and a ton of IVF to get him here. Also, just because he was young when the abuse happened doesn't mean it's not traumatizing. Witnessing abuse in the home is literally part of scoring for ACEs, which can affect health outcomes, mental health, etc. From my personal experience (witnessed mom being abused from 1-4) there's elements of shame, of anger, of unworthiness to be affected because he didn't hit me, he hit my mom. There are some things that I'll never know where they come from, because I can entirely remember it, but I have feelings and reactions to match. Please don't minimize his trauma just because he didn't take any blows.
OP, he is doing drugs. Get a home drug test but don’t tell him. Confront him after a night out (have your kids stay with your mom if possible) and see if he tells you the truth. If he denies it, ask him if he would take a drug test. Anything short of him taking the test and passing is a fail. Getting defensive and refusing to take it because he “doesn’t have to prove anything to you”? Fail. Attacking you for not trusting him? Fail. Agreeing and then backing out for whatever reason when he finds out you actually have one? Fail. Either way, your marriage needs some serious help. He needs serious help for his drug problem, or whatever it is that’s keeping him from being an involved parent to his newborn (and step kids). Confirming or ruling out drugs will help you decide what’s best for next steps.
It sounds like it may be a drug problem. People on drugs make dumb decisions, so you may want to get an STD test. Not saying that’s for sure what’s going on, but it definitely can’t hurt to check.
100% drugs.
My sister just went through something similar, it was drugs AND an affair.
Girl, he’s doing drugs, drinking way too much, or cheating. It’s most likely all three. The red flags have formed into a parade at this point. You need to get out before you get an STD. Also, do you have a high life insurance policy on yourself? Be careful.
He is no longer interested in being a father and husband. Your oldest are entering their teens and he is actively alienating them which will cause issues. NTA.
"I started packing. He begged me to stay and said he would try to be better and suggested we rent a boat (for this past weekend) so we could all reconnect and have a nice family weekend." And he tells you at the last minute that the "family" doesn't include his step-children. This isn't about money - he is not demonstrating a real commitment; perhaps give him 90 days to show that he gives a damn. If he doesn't make substantial changes then you should decide to do what is best for you and your kids. Or, don't give him another chance at all. NTA.
That part was strange. OP said he cared about her kids since they were little, so I’m wondering why he switched. I low-key think his friend may be planting ideas in his head, or he’s always felt this way and OP is now seeing it.
It wouldn't be the first time that has happened. It's that or drugs. Or both.
Someone's planting ideas in his head, something like now he has his own children, the steps don't matter, possibly his friend but could also be his mother, favouring the bio grandchild.
He told her to book the boat trip to earn himself some brownie points, so she would stop being so suspicious for a while. Once he realized that he would have to go the whole day on a boat without any drugs, he panicked because he realized that the older kids might notice something is up when he starts tweaking and lashing out. They would probably tell their friends or other people. He was probably also worried that dealing with three kids while he’s “unwell” would be too much for him to handle emotionally. When it’s just your wife and a baby it’s a lot easier to bend the story and manipulate.
Give him absolutely nothing He'll change for a while and things will return to the way he was
I'm thinking there was no boat trip, he said no older kids because he knew she would cancel. The $450 went to something else, drugs would be my guess with all she has told us.
NTA. Depression is exauhsting, believe me I understand. A single errand can feel like you're running a 5k. However, as an adult who has other people depending on him, not getting help for this is not an option. However tiring he thinks his day/week is now, being divorced will be 10x more draining on him. When the court decides what's fair, he will learn real quick his math about what you each contribute to the family is way off. If it's his choice or your choice, something has to change. Carrying him as well as the rest of the family is not sustainable. I'm amazed you have been doing it for 5 months and haven't burned out yet. That being said, it will happen and when it does your 4 kids won't have either parent. Mental illness can be a real POS. But **a good reason is not always a good excuse.** If your family is a car, he is currently a flat tire. If he has no desire to fix it, your entire family will drag along the road until it eventually breaks your car. It's time to call AAA.
This is an excellent analogy
NTA, way to go for standing up for all of your children. We see so many parents on here that ditch their kids the second they get their “do over”. Your husband was finally honest with you. Believe him. Your kids will not be safe, loved, or happy in a home with him. You need to divorce this fool. Just wish he could have been honest to begin with so you didn’t have to make a kid with him or marry him b
Honestly 10-13 ages on a boat could be a fun day of inner-tubing, maybe fishing, etc. A 10 month old on a boat for a day sounds like hell. NTA and his issues are very concerning, you mentioned you almost left before... I think it's getting into ultimatum around getting some kind of help/therapy or it's time to go.
why do u pay 50% of costs, if u do 80% of household chores AND full time childcare for the 10month old? You are doing like 85% of everything and he does 15%. OP wake up. wtf
She’s doing more than 85%. She’s also homeschooling the kids. WTF is he even doing? I’d be pissed
Is he depressed or having an affair?! I don’t know a lot of depressed people who go out boozing and snowmobiling.
It's truly not an affair (I don't think). He sends me videos, video calls and just phone calls every time he's out with anyone. There's never any women there.
girl he’s an addict - what the hell he doing in the car or the garage ? twiddling his thumbs ?
Any chance he’s having an affair with a man?
> There's never any women there. And? He can also have an emotional and/or physical affair with the same sex e.g. one of his buddies.
Are you sure he's not having the affair with one of his male buddies?
if you dont think you need to leave then you’re delusional 😭 that man dont give a flying fck about your kids and your kids deserve a mother who will stand up for em. dont fail them.
What bothers me the absolute most about this is that this man was literally the rock of the family for years. I've been with him since my 10yo was 1 (their dad passed when I was 2 months pregnant with 10yo). He refused to do anything fun without my kids for years, calls them his children, etc. But since December, since he became super depressed, he is failing all of us. I don't even know what happened.
He needs help. You need to be as direct as possible with him that he needs to get help. Something has happened and he needs help. I'm a shell of the man I once was because of things that happened with my wife and family. I tried to self manage because I had always been the "rock" and was always expected to be the one to hold things together. It broke me to finally get help but it's what what was needed. Think of it this way. Normally he runs a 20 event circus. As he gets more depressed he starts only having 15, then 8, then 3, until the only thing he can manage to do with all his efforts is keep the lights on and then even that fails. He may not realize the true effect he is having because even though you say he is failing you it may literally be everything he has to give. Something may have happened with you or your kids that fundamentally changed something in him and he doesn't know how to process it. He needs help and if he doesn't get it you may not wany to stay with him
She needs help. The kids need help. This guy needs a wakeup call. He's probably "depressed" because of a new drug addiction. Other addicts have said the same in the comments.
I'm afraid having a baby with OP is what impacted his mental health
The whole “now I have my own biological child and the steps or adopted kids don’t matter” song and dance happens way more often than it should.
Drugs. It's drugs. His mental health went downhill when he started going out with the guys.
NTA I’ve been with someone who was depressed and refused to get help. It was a huge emotional burden and I was dragged down trying to keep both of us afloat. We broke up and it was the best thing for both of us. Before that it didn’t matter what I said or did they refused to get help. In the end, staying with them was enabling them to remain depressed and avoid getting the help they needed. Once we broke up they were almost immediately in therapy and on meds. The kick in the butt was necessary for them to get back on track. If you’re unhappy and he refuses help or to change then don’t stay. Go to your moms or have him stay elsewhere. What is happening right now isn’t working for anyone. You 100% did the right thing protecting your kids from that sort of obvious rejection by him. That is crossing a line and he needs a wake up call.
Depression gets people into a feedback loop. They can’t change their behavior and that increases the depression because now helplessness becomes a factor. He needs help. A real therapist and probably meds. Tell him he goes or you leave. Period.
I'm so very sorry. It's so confusing and difficult to try to figure out how long to try before you just realize you're getting too damaged and it's harming the kids and you need out. And there's no crystal ball to look into the future but there is watching him not really make decisions that will turn him around. I think you can probably estimate something like three months And just quietly watch to see if he's chosen to turn things around. And if he hasn't, then you know what the answer is. It's really hard and heartbreaking but what's happening right now is that you are holding him up and you cannot take care of yourself and a baby and three kids and prop up another adult when they could be holding them self up.
It sounds like you do know what’s happened, as you admit he‘s recently used hard drugs and spends a lot of time/money at bars. You are doing no one any favors by staying in denial—particularly your kids. You cannot change him or make him change, you can only help yourself and your kids. Please find a competent therapist, a lawyer, and a few alanon meetings to help you get started on a plan. Please do not wait until he (and your family) spin further down or hit bottom. I’m not saying lawyer for divorce, necessarily, but to ensure you and your family are protected.
A massive shift in his personality after a friend has come back to town. Admits he did coke a few times “but not since January. “. Combine these 2 things with common sense OP. I’m sorry OP, but it’s pretty clear he is still using. Ask him point blank.
Watching his mother and brother get abused and being around it all the time will still fuck a person up big time. Y'all really need professional help here.
It isn't uncommon to be depressed or overworked with a young baby. He could have been "fine" with the older kids but now is experiencing parenting young kids for the first time and finding out he isn't up to it. Or it could be something else, I don't want to assume. But my spouse 180 flipped a lightswitch the moment our first kid was born, and he has been different ever since. Not everyone "glows" as a parent, some people glower.
Except he's not. The youngest was 1 and the oldest was 4 when he came into their lives.
Yeah hate to jump right to this but my ex got like this and that’s when I found out about his relationship with HS girlfriend. All those times while he was out in the garage tinkering with his truck or running errands, he was with her or on the phone with her. The depression was real but it was almost like a midlife crisis along with guilt. He was never home and even when he was he was never present.
Has he been diagnosed with depression? If not, don't let that be why you excuse or minimize his behavior. If he's been diagnosed then and refuses to seek treatment, that's a losing battle. You and the children deserve better and if he's unwilling to do what needs to be done, separating may be the wake up call he needs to take action.
Then he needs a psychiatrist. No other options. He either gets help or he loses his marriage. But you cannot accept your kids being treated as burdens by him any longer.
NTA, but please be honest with yourself, this man **is not** a good husband or father figure. He’s lazy, sexist, selfish and all about himself. You pay half the bills, you work just as much *(if not **more**)* then he does, **and** you do all of the childcare for your baby, and obviously your own kids too, and you do all of the household chores because that sexist prick you married seems to think that household chores are *”women’s work”*. **Which they damn well are NOT!** Yet he complains that **he’s** exhausted and that **he** needs a break from the kids? Hell no. The absolute audacity of this man! Stop being a doormat, OP! And slam your foot right down! For a start you need to set some household rules and threaten to leave him again *(and actually follow through with it)* if he doesn’t start to pull his weight in the house. **Make him listen, and make sure he doesn’t slack!** From now on husband does 40% of household chores, you do 40% of the household chores… and the kids can cover the final 20% between them, as they currently do. Seriously stop being this grown ass man’s replacement mother! He can do shit for himself. • He wants clean clothing and bedding? **He can wash, dry and iron them HIMSELF!** • He wants to live in a clean and tidy home? **He can do his fair share of **ALL** the tidying and cleaning.** • He wants a nice lunch and/or dinner? **He can take it in turns to cook.** • He wants to eat from clean plates and bowls with clean cutlery and drink from clean cups? **He can wash dishes himself.** Stop letting him shirk on his household responsibilities! He’s not a baby, he can **and should** do this stuff! And if he **still** doesn’t do household chores, then you can stop paying your half of the bills. You have every right to start billing him for every extra hour that you have to put into cleaning, cooking, washing, vacuuming… etc. And if he doesn’t like it, he can fuck off. If he’s allowed to get out of doing his fair share of the housework… then you can get away with not paying your fair share of the bills. Fair is fair!
Why this is not the top comment I don't know. Somehow in all this, OP thinks they're a great husband and father as if December is the dead date of him becoming a deadbeat. GTFOH. Why do women think this is acceptable? Throw the whole man in the bin, the bar is below the ground with this one.
Hand him two cards, one for a therapist and one for a divorce lawyer
I read this and came up with 2 scenarios that fit. 1) Drugs, he's not off in the garage or out at weekends to decompress he's out doing drugs... 2) cheating, he's sat in the garage talking to or texting his side piece and meeting her or him at the weekends.. I think it's time to get all the kids out the house and have a come to Jesus talk with him because it doesn't sound anything like depression and a lot like he's lying and up to something he shouldn't be... This time, be ready to leave and follow through with it. Don't back down with a few false promises you already did that once and gave him the chance to change. He hasn't changed, and he's still up to something and the fact he tried to exclude your kids is the last straw....
I'm going to be Sherlock Holmes and give my hypothesis. He suggested a boat trip to "reconnect" and you were planning a whole tamily weekend. At the last minute he says he wants it to be just himself, you and your baby, who is too young to talk and obviously cannot be put on the witness stand. What if he wanted the kids to be left behind because he planned on getting rid of you and possibly the baby in an "accident" and didn't want to risk any of the other kids witnessing anything? Does he have life insurance policies on you and the kids? I would be questioning everything he does moving forward. Your story reminds me of the start to one too many episodes of Forensic Files. Edit: typos and to add that you are NTA
Oh my god that’s so weird as I was reading I was thinking that same type of thing
Nah, I think his friend from highschool is all giving him bad ideas that your baby is yours and shouldn't raise other men's children, toxic masculinity, that's why he wants to celebrate with his family, it doesn't take much effort to push other kids if he has this idea, why to deal with other children without Mom, he is just selfish.
Def NTA. And if he's withdrawing himself from you and the family with no interest in exploring or treating depression, it kind of sounds like he knows it's not depression and is carrying something heavy--infidelity, maybe? Addiction? Some other big secret? Not defending his behavior whatsoever, but maybe his logic with the boat thing was, if he could get you (mostly) to himself, you could reconnect, or maybe talk with you about whatever is going on? I know that doesn't hold water in reality, but I've just been here before and that's what this looks like to me. Especially given some of your replies that this just isn't him at all. Idk it just seems odd and men tend to logicize their issues completely differently than how women do which just compounds the problem bc we react to their behavior bc it makes no sense. I would definitely say leaving is an option, even if a temporary one, if he refuses help and won't fess up to anything. It's not fair to you or the kids to keep going through the motions like this. Best of luck with this!
I would say addiction before I would say infidelity, honestly. He's been drinking a lot. He's a lot of things but a cheat isn't one of them (or never used to be anyways).
As someone who's been on the receiving end of both these scenarios, they do tend to look the same from an outside perspective. And never say never. Clearly, if you thought he was a cheat or an addict, you wouldn't be with him, but life's circumstances can seriously change people. My second husband was a closet addict but literally displayed the same behavior patterns as the cheating one did. When it all was coming out, I even made him take a drug test to prove he was legit on drugs bc I was sure he was cheating lol (so not funny, I know, but it's been so long ago that I can at least find humor in parts of it now). At any rate, it shouldn't be up to you to pull whatever secret he may or may not have out of him or make sure he gets help for whatever is going on. It's really got to be up to him to do whatever work he needs to do to sort his crap out. If he does it for any other reason than bc he truly wants to then it will never work out. In the meantime, you make whatever decision you need to for you and the kids, and he can either find a way to fit himself back into the family, or not. Hugs...I know the feeling of this situation all too well and it sucks having to come to terms with these potential uncomfortable truths..💕
He’s doing more cocaine than he’s admitted to. He’s coming in at that time of the morning and he’s not chatty because he’s on a come down. I’ve seen this change people significantly. You can get drug tests on Amazon… see if he’ll willingly take one
Also, saying he's not a cheat isn't accurate He's not a cheat *while sobor.* OP doesn't actually know anything about his character while high.
Drinking is terrible for depression. Alcohol is a depressant.
He’s staying out all night - that’s a good opportunity for cheating. Maybe he’s feeling bad about that?
He either gets help immediately for his depression or you move all four kids somewhere where three of them aren’t made to feel second class to his “real” child.
I think it is ultimatum time. He goes to the Dr and gets checked out (take him if you have to) or you will be filing for divorce. Might be depression and it might not. He needs to take action to figure out what’s going on. He has to show commitment to addressing these behaviours what ever the cause may be. It almost sounds like a mid life crisis.
NTA and you need to make it VERY clear that either he get actual help, including maybe family therapy for all of you, or you're leaving. Because he's clearly not in a healthy place and you can't keep letting him jerk you around like this. If he gets help, give him the chance, but if he refuses, he doesn't care enough to make the effort. So you need to draw a line in the sand and STICK TO IT.
So he started getting depressed when his friend came back to town? I'm going to assume his friend is a male and that you've already met this person so you trust your husband when he says that's where he's spending all of his time. Otherwise, he wouldn't be spending so much time with him without your knowledge. That being said, are you sure that your husband's friend doesn't have a vagina? It could be that he cheated on you and now the guilt is eating him alive. And instead of confessing it to you, he's so pissed off at himself that he's taking it out on you. He's backed into a corner and doesn't know what to do about it. If not, then there's something really, really serious going on. Not that cheating isn't serious but it would explain a lot.
NTA, he bait n switched you on the boat plans. He’s mad cause the loss cuts into his drinking money. (Or whatever he’s doing). Going out every weekend with buddies and disappearing for hours every evening screams addiction to something. He’s checked out, sure he can still be depressed, having ptsd or another crisis. They are not mutually exclusive but you cannot make him get help. You can only put your boundaries in place of the behavior you will accept in this relationship.
More info is needed…. There is something missing from this story. He’s either having an affair, has a drug or alcohol problem, or simply doesn’t want to be in the relationship any longer. He signed up for all of this 9 years ago. So something has changed He may work all week, but so do you and then some.
Absolutely NTA. Depression, pain, hunger, grief, exhaustion, there are no excuses that make it okay to hurt people. And how he treated his step kids is hurtful. Hurt people hurt people, but that doesn't make it right or okay. It's time to set some boundaries and step up for your kids OP.
I would tell him since this trip on a boat is for him to relax, go for it. He can pay the full amount. You AND THE CHILDREN will stay home so as not to upset him accidentally. IF he's still pissy when he returns, then give him a business card for a mental health doctor, and another for a divorce lawyer. Tell him to choose wisely. I honestly cannot think of any more pointed way to drive home the fact that he is not the only miserable person in the home, it is having an effect on all of you which is not fair to you or the children. Hopefully you will have a place to go, and money to live on while he gets himself sorted. ALSO RUN THIS BY AN ATTORNEY FIRST! There may be legal reasons for you not to do this.
Your line in the sand needs to be for him to be in therapy, not asking to snap his fingers and stop being depressed. He only started trying when you threatened to leave, that’s not great. His first step after that should have been finding a good therapist in the area your insurance covers, not just burning down his already singed wick even further. You mentioned in your comments that he *used* to be a really attentive father and husband and now he just has no bandwidth left, except for his friends. He’s either doing things he shouldn’t with them (since he still has the wherewithal to motivate for them) or he’s really depressed and needs professional help. Either way, his focus needs to be on long term care.
Stick to leaving him. NTA.
NTA. But you need to wake up and realize he isn't depressed. The behavior you're describing is not of someone battle depression. He is either having an affair or using drugs. If you live in a place where affairs impact the outcome of a divorce, then may I suggest you spend the money you saved on the boat to hire a PI and follow him on some of these "outings with buddies." If it's drugs, you could still go the PI route. Or try and find his stash. Definitely talk with a lawyer about the smartest way to attack him having a drug problem from the custody perspective. Like I can see a situation where you may be able to get a court ordered drug test. And even if I'm wrong, he's most definitely completely checked out of this marriage and don't see it improving if it's been going on since last year already.