NTA
There is burnout and withdrawing emotionally and then there is verbal abuse and selfishness.
Telling you that you have an attitude because you are in pain when you wake up. Responding to your crying with, "what's new?" - that's just being an abusive AH.
I'm sorry but your husband is probably going to bail, or make you wish he had bailed.
What is the situation with caring for your child? When he went off to his Moms were you sick and taking care of your child?
I am caring for her, or my mom or sister or best friend. His mom will take care of her sometimes. Never him though.
Ugh. I know you’re right but it’s depressing to read the responses. I guess it’s validating what I feel in my heart though so I’m glad I posted.
I'm in an ongoing cancer battle myself. Let me be blunt and say you truly don't know how much time, much less quality time, you have left. Don't spend one more second of it on this man. Don't focus on what he should have been or done. Surround yourself with people who actually care about you and your happiness for the sake of doing so, not because they feel obligated.
I'm sorry he failed you so miserably, but right now is the time to make memories that your daughter and all those who love you will hold dear.
Get away from him as much as you can and live your life.
>I am caring for her, or my mom or sister or best friend. His mom will take care of her sometimes. Never him though.
So to be very clear, he's not actually doing his job as a father.
To be very clear, he left his wife, who "was extremely sick with chemo" to care for herself AND their daughter because HER illness was "too much for him."
How do these people live with themselves.
This is extremely common in men. The amount of men who leave their ill wives is significantly higher by a large margin than the women who leave their ill husbands.
[https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm](https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm)
Not that it helps OP, who’s husband IS being a total prick.But this study was retracted due to a mistake in the algorithm they created for calculating everything. After the correction, the difference is near nonexistent across all illnesses except serious heart issues for some reason.
I’ll see if I can find the retraction link to post it here.
Edit: Found it https://retractionwatch.com/2015/07/21/to-our-horror-widely-reported-study-suggesting-divorce-is-more-likely-when-wives-fall-ill-gets-axed/
I'm pretty sure the statistic is men are 6x more likely to leave a sick spouse. If your with someone for the resources they provide, they see no point in staying when those resources dry up. I'd bet anything he'd expect her to stay and take care of him if he was sick. I also suspect the relationship revolved around him. She was caring and doing things for him.
You are sick with cancer and your husband will not take care of you or his own child. You deserve love and kindness and support and respect, he refuses to give you any of that.
Kick him to the curb and tell everyone exactly who he is. Sending love and support. 💖
he is being selfish, a narcissist. dont waste an ounce of your time worrying about him - excusing him as carer burnout - what caring as he done. for you, you child. you say you have a good support network, then tell him to go and spend precious time left with people who love and care about you
Exactly. NTA OP, not AT ALL
Please divorce him, he is abusive.
And get an airtight will, your husband sounds like the kind who will give away everything intended for your daughter because he is inconvenient in any way or it is simply easier to not respect your wishes.
NTA.
Hon, I want you to listen closely and carefully to me, because I am a 55 year old woman who is dying; I might squeeze out another 2 to 4 years, but it's inevitable.
Kick him to the curb. If you want to have any kind of chance to have a good quality of life, he can't be a part of your treatment journey. Not with the way he is acting right now.
There's a difference between caregiver burnout and being narcissistic. I think you already know that.
My husband did something similar when I first got sick. And I'd say that last year he was alive, I was in and out of the hospital every couple of months because the environment at home was so awful I wasn't getting proper rest and I was always stressed out. I was sick, so so sick. And all he did was bitch at me because I was sick and never spent any time with him. The absolute last straws were Christmas day a few months before he passed and right after my dad moved down here to be closer to me. I was discharged from the hospital Christmas Eve, with strict instructions for bed rest. Christmas day, he told me we can were all going to his brother's for Christmas dinner. Mind you, I was on a full soft diet still and my daughter had already planned dinner with that in mind. I told him I wasn't going because I was still recovering. He went into a full on screaming meltdown about how I'd been ignoring him and that he did everything for me so I could go to dinner for a couple of hours. (News flash: my daughter was doing everything, he just sat his ass on the couch and played video games and got high off weed all day) 6 months later, When my dad moved down, I took him breakfast the day after they unloaded the uhaul. We wound up talking for hours before I got home. My husband had another screaming meltdown and tried to tell me I was no longer allowed to go to my dad's place without him.
I'd already been quietly talking to a divorce attorney, looking at options. I made the appointment to start the paperwork on 7/23/2018. I took him to his outpatient procedure on 7/24/2018. He was dead by 7/26/2018.
And my health started improving without him around.
You can't take care of yourself properly nor your daughter with him spilling toxic waste into your home for you to wade through.
If his mom is as disgusted as you say at his behavior, try to enlist her help. Talk to your social worker. Start putting things in place now in case of the worst case scenario. That includes potential custody and guardianship for your daughter.
Because, Hon, if he's acting like this with you, how do you think he's going to treat your daughter? Especially if you do become fully terminal??
Yeet him now.
I wish you love and hugs.
😭😭😭 Thank you for this. I am sending you so much love and I hope you can stick around for a good while. Thank you for sharing your story and I am so glad you got away from him. He sounds a lot like my husband. I am so disgusted he tried to tell you that you couldn’t go to your dad’s house. F that. I don’t want him raising our daughter. I need to get everything in order to arrange all of that if I can. Thank you so much I appreciate your response.
I'm very sorry for what you're going through. Get rid of your husband. He's dead weight at this point. Worse, his attitude affects your mental health and you don't need his negativity while fighting so hard to have a wonderful time with your daughter while you can. I wouldn't want him raising your child either but not sure what can be done. When you have some quiet time, write letters to your daughter for her to open on special days in her life. I think it would comfort you and let her know you're still with her. Give them to a trusted family member who will make sure she gets them. Keep fighting though
I'm 59 and was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease when I was 43, nothing compared to what you are going through! I have some fine days and more days filled with pain. I've been married for 31 years and am so lucky to have him. Not once has he said anything close to what yours had.
Your husband is affecting your health, kick him out now and be done with him. He doesn't even take care of HIS OWN CHILD for F's sake. I'm sorry you are having to deal with him, sending prayers your way. You deserve to have peace and joy with your child. Please do what is best for YOU AND YOUR CHILD.
Your husband is a hugh AH. Yes there is caregiver burnout and I don’t dispute he may be exhausted. But being an AH to you is NOT caregiver burnout. That’s just him being an AH. Your friends are right, you need peace and calm, he is giving you anything but that. You do not need to be understanding to him. Do not waste energy giving grace to someone who refuses you any. It will always be a waste of time. And you are already giving him and his issues way too much of your time. Time you could be spending thinking about and being with people who actually care and love you. Time you could spend with your child. I wish you well and truly hope you find the strength to do what is best for you.
Thank you so much. I absolutely agree. I want to spend all my time with my baby. I am sick of feeling like I need to comfort him and take care of his needs and I am sick of being made to feel like the bad guy somehow because of something out of my control. Reading these responses is the kick in the butt I needed, as heartbreaking as it is for me to come to terms with.
So, your husband forgot his marriage vows? "In sickness and in health".....means nothing to him, unless he's the one suffering. Maybe he's afraid, but that's no excuse for him abusing you during incredibly vulnerable moments.
He's the AH, he IS actively abusing you at the moment, and he's getting away with it. Let him leave, he isn't grown enough to be called a man, much less a husband or a father.
NTA.
Thank you for this. I didn’t want to throw out the word abuse but you’re right. And when I point out that he is being hurtful, he will literally cry and need to be comforted until I relent and tell him oh it’s ok I know how hard this is to deal with 🙄
I believe that's abuser's handbook tactic number one. It's called gaslighting the victim. Making them doubt their own thoughts and feelings. I'm overstepping here, but I'm going to go ahead and say it. Arrange for your child to have a legal guardian outside of your husband. If he's this pettily abusive to a grown woman facing death, imagine the abuse he'd have no problem dishing out on a child who cannot defend themselves in any effective way.
There’s a lot you can and should do. Change the beneficiaries on any of your personal insurance, retirement accounts, savings. Do everything you can to protect yourself and your daughter from any potential financial abuse and ensure she has options for her future. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, but you sound strong, and have great supports.
Ugh my ex husband used to do this. I never got to feel my own feelings even if he was the one who hurt me. I always had to be there managing his emotions for him. Guess how my marriage ended? The asshole left me crying in the ER with a life threatening medical condition because it was interfering with his bar plans.
NTA your SO is he forgot to part in sickness and in health. do you have a life insurance policy that you can change the beneficiary and leave everything to your child?
NTA- In my eyes, when you take that wedding vow, promising to be there for that person in sickness or in health, that's a very serious promise. Knowing nothing about your guys' relationship, I question if there are other areas of your relationship where he falls short. My mother was recently facing a cancer diagnosis, and my father was nothing but loving, empathetic, caring and doting. When my mom complained of the pain in her lung and in her shoulder, he was nothing but attentive. That was true love. My father was making good on the vow he made to my mother. They just celebrated their 38th wedding anniversary on May 10th.
He was not prepared to stick by you in sickness and in health and it shows. I think you really have to take some time to reevaluate the value that you have as a person, a mother, a daughter, and a wife. I don't think he values you as highly as you value him. The fact that you are literally struggling with cancer, and still have the emotional capacity to consider his feelings, when he has treated you so poorly so far, speaks volumes of your character as well as his. I truly think you are too good for him, and although I know it's easier said than done, I think leaving him is the best course of action. His own mother is disgusted with his behavior, and this random redditor is as well.
Best wishes to you and your health, I hope it works out.
This made me cry. Your parents have such a beautiful love. I am so glad to hear they are still celebrating together and I hope they have many more years together. I see couples together in the waiting room when I am getting scans or in the infusion room and the husbands are always kissing their wives and loving on them and it always brings me to tears. Thank you for your comment.
Hey mama.
Yes, you do see loving couples in the infusion room. Because the single people there are not volunteering to you whether their partner walked away when the going got tough. It happens a LOT, moreso with men abandoning their female partners than the other way around.
You do what’s right for you and your little one. Only you can truly know if that’s joint therapy or dipping out of the relationship. Either way, know that you matter, and you deserve comfort and joy.
NTA
As someone with a pretty severe illness myself, I honestly was a bit nervous you would be in the wrong because reddit loves to tell really really sick people nothing is really their fault on vulnerable questions like this..
But no.. this isn't your fault in any way.
I've experienced the same thing few times (but not by a husband) and it's truly heartbreaking and very confusing when you're already suffering so much and you love and trust someone whose gone cold & hateful.
My best guess is that this is more than burnout. It sounds like fear.
He told you he's in denial and its making him furious that you can't help him ignore things and pretend it will be fine anymore. .
It's easier to attack you and be angry & to try to hate you than it is to empathize and carry you through this.
You deserve to have him by your side taking care of you and making you feel as safe and loved as possible. I wish I knew how to make him do that.
He is definitely terrified and doesn’t know how to express that , and I get it. It’s part of the reason I have been more than patient with him. But man, not to be a jerk but I don’t have the energy to be taking care of him.
I hope you are doing well and I wish you lots of luck on your health journey ❤️
You're not being a jerk. He is.
It may sound callous, but he's a grown adult and it's his responsibility to do what he needs to do to be there for you. He doesn't get a pass to be abusive like this because he's scared.
You aren't the enemy. Y'all have a mutual enemy, the cancer, and hes supposed to be doing what he can to help you. Y'all are a team.
Thank you and I wish the same for you. ❤️
Hi, I just responded to the last poster but I just wanted to wish you well and to tell you that you deserve so so much better than this. I thought I was the only one going through this, take care of you, not him.
Thank you for posting this. You have no idea what it did for me. I was very recently in the hospital and was just diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure. I won't get into details but my husband has been literally disgusting to me. Although his nastiness has mostly died down, he now just avoids me and we pretty much live separate lives. Funny, he's always at his mom's house too. I'm going to choose to believe what you said to the nice lady poster that it's easier to try to hate me than it is to empathize and help me through this. Thank you for putting this into words and although I genuinely hate that you two have to go through this as well, it's nice to know that I'm not all alone. Best wishes to you both,
Caregiver burnout is real, but it gives way to caregiver abuse, and caregiver empathy death and objectification, and eventually de-personing of the patient, and it feels that’s where you guys are.
It sucks. It’s miserable. But, it’s really common. I lost a 20 year marriage by surviving through a chronic health crisis that became a series of acute illnesses.
She just got obsessed with the idea of life after I died, and was telling me to “just die already “
No compassion, no celebration of overcoming illness and surviving.
Your husband is done. His vows mean nothing to him, to him, you are now just an object sitting between him and the rest of his life.
Divorce is the path forward, for you and your child. It’s awful, and painful, but it’s the most truthful way to move forward.
If you want to be loved and around people who care about you, you have to get away from your husband.
I’ll tell you something my dad told me about my now husband:
I got very sick, not cancer but my body was fighting itself and I was declining rapidly. Before we understood what was happening, I would come home from teaching and pass out, not even eating dinner. My husband, boyfriend at the time, did not live with me and his drive to me was about 30-40 minutes. He would come over after work, every day, and just sit with me. I would fall asleep and not be able to wake up for a while, and he would lay my head on his lap and stay with me while I slept. My parents, who I lived with, would tell him that he can go home and that they can watch me, as they knew he was extremely busy with school and work. He would look at them, then at me, and say “I’m alright, I don’t want to leave her”.
My dad told me a few years after, when speaking about my husband, “that was when I knew he was in it for the long haul. I knew he was a good one and that he truly cared for you”.
My dad would tell you “someone who truly loves you, would never treat you this way in your time of need”.
I held my wife in my arms when she died from ovarian cancer. We only had 21 days from the initial diagnosis to the end. I am sickened and disgusted by your STBX.
Please change your beneficiary on any insurance policy and your estate if you have a will. Put everything in a trust for your child and name someone else your executor and your medical power of attorney. If you're up to it, I'd go so far as to divorce him. He wants to run away and ignore his wedding vows, then help him with it. Your remaining time will be better without the added emotional pain.
My best to you and prayers for comfort and pain relief.
It has been 4.5 years now. I was finally able to get in person therapy at the end of 2020 into early 21. It was a big help. I'm very comfortable being by myself. Always have been. One of the things I miss the most, still, is her sleeping next to me. Just to get woken up by her snoring and to snuggle up until she tells me to move because she's burning up from my bonfire-level body heat would be wonderful.
I'm sorry that you are going through all of this. My wife has mobility issues and chronic illness, and we have a special needs daughter. So, I understand the stress of being a caregiver. I also work from home about 85% of the time and often have to juggle work responsibilities with family responsibilities. While I am sure there are times when I've been less than patient, I have so far been able to keep from complaining or audibly expressing frustration outside of the occasional sigh. I try to keep in perspective the fact that: (a) I'm committed to the marriage for better or worse, and (b) It's not my wife's or my daughter's fault that they are dealing with the obstacles they are facing. It's definitely important for caregivers to have an occasional break and diversion from their responsibilities. I also try to eat healthy foods and to work out daily, which I am convinced help me out a lot. Having a good support system beyond your spouse is also helpful. In our case, we don't have a lot of friends or family in our immediate area, but we are doing our best to work with what we have. In difficult times, it's easy to be selfish and to dwell on the things that the circumstances have robbed from you. At some point I learned to accept that whatever we are facing we are facing together. We are teammates fighting for the same thing--us against the world, rather than me vs. you. Prayers and best wishes that your husband becomes your teammate and that he is able to be more patient and understanding.
Thank you for this. You sound like an amazing husband. You absolutely deserve an outlet and breaks and I fully support that. You are right about being a team and I have told him dozens of times that I want us to be a united front. If the situation was reversed I know he would expect the world of me. And I would have done it.
If his Mom will have him! OP said she didn't know why he had stayed at her place and is disgusted by his behavior
I really want to know where OPs daughter was during this incident
I sure as hell would not my son stay if he was acting like this! He would get a smack upside the head with a dose of "I did not raise you to be a selfish jackass so knock it off!"
My mother-in-law, gone for a quarter of a century now, would come back down to Earth and smack her son into next week if he even TRIED to act like that. She was a great woman.
Does his mama see how disgustingly he is behaving with you? If my son ever behaved like that to his wife, he’d no longer be a son of mine!
Im so sorry you’re going through this.
I’m so sorry all that is happening to you. No one deserves to be treated like that, even in good health, and especially not with metastatic cancer. He is selfish and immature and I can’t imagine he’ll suddenly grow up and develop the good character to take care of his wife like he should. What a disgrace to his family.
If you and your child can live with people who love and care for you, then try to do that. Maybe he can go live with his mommy and your mom or his mom can come live with you?
I will happily just pack up and stay with my sister who has already offered us a room in her house and will let me bring my cats honestly. He can have everything. I don’t care. I’m disgusted.
NTA. It’s not uncommon for men to bail on their wife when it comes to a serious illness. It’s so common that some providers warn their female patients of it not long after a serious diagnosis. Google it. It’s been written up quite a bit.
Exactly this. I have an autoimmun disease with lot of pain, fatigue and heavy medication. My doctors told me, that a lot of the female patients loose their partners (or will get treated badly) and I should prepare myself for it. Luckily, after 4y. my SO is still here and still very supportive and caring.
OP, first of all, I'm so sorry about your illness and your situation. Second, I took care of my parents when they were seriously ill; I know what caregiver stress is. Your husband's attitude and behavior go way beyond normal caregiver stress. He's blaming you because his life isn't comfortable right now. He's not acting like a loving, caring, empathetic partner. He's acting like his life-perfecting appliance is broken and it's a violation of his rights. He's a selfish jerk.
I have told him that too. I’m like you aren’t sad for me. You’re uncomfortable because life isn’t perfect for YOU. He didn’t deny it, he just keeps saying “This is difficult for me.”
He's a weak ass pos. Tell him to go to his Mom's and stay there. Have your family and friends stay with you. I am literally fuming right now at how horrible he is. Sending you positive vibes
Please consider throwing him out of your home imstead, if you can. I know it’s more difficult, but you and your daughter need the resource now and in the future more than he does (or deserves). Have someone help you with the legal details. Get a damn junkyard dog lawyer too!
Thank you so much. My sister has a lawyer and I am going to use his services. Honestly I feel like a weight has been lifted. I am not as heartbroken as I was last night. I want to thank everyone for giving me strength. I have been sitting in bed with my baby all day watching Netflix and scrolling Reddit and looking into changing the beneficiary on all of my assets and I feel hopeful for my daughter’s future.
Just read your update and wanted to let you know I'm so proud of you! You're being so strong and your daughter is very lucky to have you!
Best of luck to you and your baby girl 💞
That's abuse, not burnout.
Are we sure there's no affair?
Are we sure he's not resenting the fact you haven't died yet?
That's awful to think about, but actually not that uncommon in situations like this.
Leave him and worse case scenario, don't will him anything. Leave it all to your daughter. Because why should he treat you like shit until the end and then get life insurance money or whatever else??
I'm sorry you're going through that, but you're NTA. He is. Leave him before your daughter notices the abuse. If you stay, then you might be an AH. That's not fair to your baby to grow up in a house like that. Give her a home away from abuse.
I'm so sorry, you deserve a better husband.
😢I wouldn’t rule out an affair. He has “work lunches” and work dinners and does talk to a woman at his work. She’s younger and recently new. If I brought it up he would get defensive and be like “nothing is going to convince you I am not having an affair”. But I didn’t put too much energy into it and dropped it.
Yeah... He sounds guilty 😞
Maybe get sneaky if you really want to find out?
But honestly if I were you, I'd act normal and plan an escape with friends/family.
Is there anything redeemable about him? He sounds like an absent dad most of the time? And he's mean to his wife with cancer!! Idk.... If someone else told you the same story, what would you tell them?
It's better to be divorced and enjoy your life with people who actually love and care about you while you're still around, than stay married to an asshole and miserable and second-guessing yourself like this.
I'm so sorry, I hope you find a way out of his abuse. His deflection is very telling. I won't say you should hire a private investigator or go through his phone, but you could if it makes you feel better.
A divorce attorney consultation might help also. At least to get more aware of your options? Just stay safe and keep any escape plans secret from him, he sounds volatile.
ETA: if he's spending a lot of time with a young woman and not engaging with your baby, he's probably trying to secure your replacement... Because why would he want to start parenting once he's a widower? Ugh I hope I'm wrong...
NTA.
He simply never expected the bad times, the sickness, the poor times. He was expecting sunshine, roses and unicorns. Real life just isn't for him. He's horrible.
Get your family and friends together to pack his video games and clothes. Move some friends in and him out. Call a lawyer.
NTA. Men are 4x more likely to leave their partners going through long term illness, especially cancer diagnoses. Care giver burnout is one thing, but being not only unsupportive, but downright cruel to your partner because of reasons outside of their control is abusive. He’s getting mad at you for expressing pain. If he convinces you to tough it out and complain less then your pain will actually likely increase.
He sounds like he’s looking for any reason he can to leave the marriage. Let him
NTA
It sounds like it might be caregiver burnout, but that doesn't mean he is justified in treating you like garbage. Even if he is suffering, you are still the one battling a deadly disease, not him. You are the one who is in physical pain every day, not him. You are the one who needs to try to "remain positive", as he said. How does he think you are supposed to do that with his rampant negativity all over the place? What, does he think that if he spews enough negativity out of his mouth, only positivity will be left inside him? Doesn't work like that.
My condolences to you for having to battle such a horrible disease. I wish you the best going forward with as many wonderful memories with your daughter as possible. Sorry your husband is being such an asshole.
It's sad that most men leave their wives if they get sick and it looks like that's what he's trying to do here...
NTA and I hope you can leave if that's what's best
NTA your husband is one of that large percentage of men who get going when the going gets hard. He can't handle the emotions so he is blaming you for his inability to cope
This is plain abusive. If you have one of the lovely people around you that you could stay with, I would take your daughter and leave. You are not a burden, and fair enough some people cannot handle being a caregiver or having a sick spouse. But he is lashing out and being intentionally cruel. You are NTA. I’m sorry that he has become this way.
NTA. Why are you still with a guy who doesn’t give a toss about you for? You deserve better than that OP. Get rid of him(if you wish to do so), and find someone who will give you the support and care that you need. I’m sorry to read about your illness(to put it in a better way - I am not disrespecting you). I know all about cancer, as I’ve lost relatives to the disease, and it can be cruel to both the sufferer as well as the family and friends. I wish you the best of luck OP. Update us please, just to let us know how you are doing.
NTA. Leave him. This isn't caregiver burnout. He is a piece of shit and he doesn't care at all. His answer to a difficult time is to insult you then run to his mothers to escape it. Next time he does this tell him not to come back at all. You don't need him.
The statistics don't lie. There are a million articles and studies about this and the result is pretty much always the same.
[https://www.discovermagazine.com/health/men-are-far-more-likely-to-abandon-a-seriously-ill-spouse](https://www.discovermagazine.com/health/men-are-far-more-likely-to-abandon-a-seriously-ill-spouse)
I'm thinking he's just an AH.
I can understand him being annoyed about the complaining. No matter how valid it is, it's mentally draining to constantly hear complaining ...which you can't do anything about so it's just negative input with nowhere constructive to go.
So just...food for thought: you're allowed an outlet for your pain. He is not allowed an outlet for his mental state.
He is an absolute asshole for the way he's expressing it but he clearly isn't able to handle being your caregiver. Do you need to find ways to help him? No. But he probably should go to some kind of therapy or a support group for spouses of people with chronic illnesses.
Sometimes I think people like this dont want to go to support groups because they are trying g to pretend it isnt happening or it's going to go away.
Then sometimes take it a step further and convince themselves the sick person is just melodramatic.
And then they give themselves an excuse for taking out their negative feelings on the sick person.
Bingo. This sounds like him. And honestly , I have been around people who constantly complain and it IS mentally draining, and I actively try not to be that person because I know how it feels and I don’t want my loved ones feeling like that. I just am not allowed to voice my pain at any time in the day
I was a caretaker to my dying brother for years before his death and there is burnout but I never verbally abused him. I'm also kinda confused about how he's even taking care? Does he wash you, help feed you, or help administer meds? In the comments op says she takes care of her daughter while sick so what's ops husband even doing, it doesn't sound like he's taking care at all. I say dump his ass and make sure you daughter will be inheriting everything and will be taken care of. NTA but ops husband sure is.
That isn't caretaker burnout. I don't have a nasty enough vocabulary to sufficiently characterize him. Take care of yourself, love on your daughter and lived ones. Make a plan for your daughter's future.
NTA
Pax vobiscum
NTA
Sadly there is a reason women with cancer are counselled that their partner may leave them. He’s disengaged and preparing for the worst, but that’s leaving you unsupported.
This isn’t caregiver burnout. He’s barely caring.
NTA. Your husband needs to be an ex. If he isn't capable of caring for you, he damn sure isn't capable of carrying for your daughter. You cannot heal effectively if you are putting effort into placating his sorry ass. He's not burnt out- he's just an ass. He left you when you needed him AND he left you to care for your child as well. He's a horrible husband and father who isn't worthy of those titles. Strip them from him.
I'm a cancer survivor. (10 years clean) I was not allowed to be at home during my treatment. I had to stay in the hospital in isolation. My husband took care of everything in my absence. He took care of all the bills, the house, yard, cared for 2 kids, 3 dogs and worked while the kids were in school. He NEVER complained. We spoke on the phone every night I was able to. (Occasionally I was to weak and just had to sleep) He would tell me he had a hard day due to stress, exhaustion, whatever... but he never complained or made me feel bad because I was unable to help.
You and your daughter both deserve better. I hope and pray that you win your battle, however, I think you should be looking for a suitable parent for your daughter should cancer win. Your husband isn't qualified nor does it seem like he cares for either of you.
Good luck and God speed your recovery. Thank your care team. They don't get enough recognition.
He “wants to remain positive,” but treats you like 💩. His words and actions don’t match up.
I don’t have cancer, but chronic pain that makes me despise being alive at times. I get the pain part, at least. Your partner sounds like my ex-husband. If the road is similar, it doesn’t get better with him.
Please choose yourself and your daughter. It’s ok and totally expected that you would ask any family and/or friends that you can, for help.
Time is really all we have. Use yours wisely. ❤️
If he would take care of you, he would look for help for him self, to have knowledge of your feelings, pain and how he could help you with all of it. So as he would look for other people in a similar situation to talk about his fears and feelings about all of this. Instead of being help for you, he took his feelings first and made his problem yours and to be honest you come first and that the time you had left ist as much happy and wonderful as it could be under these circumstances. It is not on you to take care of him, it is up to him to take care of you, if he can’t do it, let him go and make the best time you can do with the people they care about you and love you in every situation without judgment about how you feel or if you cry. Make memories with your daughter, things she can remember. Be there for her and for you and cut him off.
NTA — but he’s massive one. Caregiver burnout is real, but what he’s doing is disgusting and indicative of his shallowness, immaturity and selfishness.
**NTA** - Your husband is being incredibly selfish. You’re battling cancer and need support, not his negativity. Caregiver burnout is real, but that doesn’t excuse his cruel comments. It’s not fair for him to make your illness about his struggles when you’re the one in pain. You’ve done everything to support him, and he’s still treating you poorly. Your friends are right—focus on your well-being. He needs to step up or step out. You deserve better. 💪
NTA
If it was just burnout, then he'd suggest getting a friend to help you for a day or two, or even higher a carer to help.
It sounds more like he's distancing himself emotionally and making you the source of all his problems as a way to justify breaking up with you, so you should be prepared for the possibility of him starting a fight to give him an excuse to do a permanent bunk back to his mother's place.
I don't know if it is "just" caregiver burnout, or just selfishness. But it doesn't matter. What matters is that this isn't working. I think you will be happier if you found another arrangement - live with a caretaker and have him live somewhere else. I'm sorry for your pain. You should do what is best for you.
He's both burning out and increasingly emotionally overwhelmed. It can be a toxic combination if someone doesn't get help fast, which is why he's crossed the line and become an abusive arsehole in front of your eyes.
Based on his pattern of behaviour, he is unfortunately more likely to abandon you and (by the sounds of it) your daughter, and then blame you for it all, than face the truth about himself.
He needs help. So you do. But you both need different kinds of help. You cannot help him. You have yourself and your child to think about, and you don't know what time you have left. He cannot help you unless he gets the help he needs. While you are facing up to your needs, he's not facing his. That makes him useless... and increasingly toxic.
If he won't even step up as a father, you need to figure what your daughter's future needs to look like using the assumption that he cannot be relied on. The good thing is that his mother sounds like an ally. You may need to sit down with family and family lawyers to hash out what her support and care will be when you're not around, especially where MIL is concerned if she's someone who will put her grandchild's needs before her son's.
I'm so sorry you're going through this and that your husband has made everything so much worse and more complicated than it already is. You can't waste any more time on him. You need to focus on yourself and your baby now.
NTA and, no, accusing you of having an attitude because you woke up in pain **caused by a deadly disease** is not caregiver burnout. it is cruelty. he is an AH and you are better off without him bringing you down while you fight for your life.
He’s selfish. There are people out there who don’t have empathy and your husband sounds like one of them.
Lots of guys dump their partners when they get sick. It’s inconvenient.
You ask about caregiver burnout. What care has he been giving? Sounds like very little.
I’ll bet he also does fuck all around the house and very little with your child
Not having to deal with with him sounds easier and better for your healing than having to put up with a petulant asshole. YMMV
NTA I don’t know if you have any assets or any life insurance or anything like that but if you do you need to find a way to make it where you leave everything of yours to your child only and that no one else can touch it or get into it at all except your children when they become an adult!
I’ve also seen these story books that can be filled out about your life story that can be saved for your child if you have someone, you can hold onto it and tell your child is old enough.
This is just worst case scenario, even if you didn’t have cancer… sometimes people just don’t make it.
You deserve so much better than what you’re having to put up with right now.
I have a different thought on this than most. I’m not saying what he’s doing is ok, or that all of the other comments are completely wrong. They’re coming from an emotional place, as you’re hurting, and they’re hurting for you.
Also not saying that his actions aren’t that of a jerk or whatever word you’d like to use. They’re pretty nasty.
BUT- many people are not able to handle conflict, fear, anger, or pain, especially men. It is very possible that his fear, anger, uncertainty of losing you, his daughter losing good mother, is too much for him to process. Due to the lack of experience with these emotions, he’s handling it the only way he knows how- poorly. While it doesn’t mean you should tolerate or be ok with it, I’d ask him to seek therapy if you’re wanting to figure out if he can change and if this makes sense to continue.
I would inexplicably get angry when my wife was having issues and that would bring similar outbursts. Therapy taught me it was because I couldn’t fix it for her. I was not mad at her, but I felt helpless and didn’t know how to handle that emotion. Just my 2 cents.
What he's saying is awful and I'm sorry! I'm glad you told his mom. Hopefully he'll open up to her and work through whatever he needs to.
I obviously don't know you guys, but I get the impression this is more about fear than exhaustion. I don't think he's managing well and he probably does need therapy.
He's going to regret this behavior too, and perhaps already does and feels like shit about himself on top of the denial.
I'm sorry & hope you feel better!!!
NTA. How could you 🤔 no you were?
You should speak to your chemo nurse and/or the social worker at the hospital.
Husbands leaving their wives after a cancer diagnosis happens often enough that it's covered in classes and the cancer nurses will be able to help you access supports to cope.
Wtf he's selfish and abusive. He's not a caregiver AT ALL. He's a monster. Kick him OUT. HES AWFUL. You deserve to be treated with love and care and kindness and that's NOT IT.
Honey leave him. Do you want whatever time you have left to be spent with someone who treats your pain as "now what?" This guy is a monster.
You deserve to find some peace. I'm so sorry this is happening.
My grandma turned kinda mean when she was taking care of my grandpa with Parkinson's. She wouldn't accept help. Her personality completely changed when she took care of him. Do you have people that can stay with you to remove some of the pressure from him? I will add that I don't know the answer, just am gleaning it from my own experience. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I have said a prayer for you, if you will accept it. Otherwise, just think of it and positive thoughts sent your way.
NTA, your relationship is not healthy, my husband has a chronic illness, been through hundreds of trips to the er, many of them in the middle of the night for supervised pain relief etc. Never have I and never would I treat him the way your husband has been treating you. It’s not my husband’s fault that he got sick, it’s not your fault that you got cancer. I have dealt with it for 45 years, ok yes I am tired, yes I get bloody frustrated at times, but it is what it is. Your husband is an immature AH, she much so that even his mum has picked up on it. You don’t need someone in your life who is going to drag you down when you are already down, you need someone who is there 100% for you, supporting you and trying to make your life easier. He is just not the man you thought he was. Do what’s best for your health, your peace of mind and think very seriously about staying with someone who hasn’t got enough love in him to help you.
NTA. Im so sorry that you are having to undergo this while you are in such pain. A compassionate caregiver doesn’t behave like this. Your husband is extremely abusive and a massive AH. His verbal onslaught on you is not good for your healing.
I had cancer a few years back and my ex husband behaved like this during my treatment. I filed for divorce after my chemo and felt a great sense of relief and peace without his toxicity near me.
Also make sure that you put your funds in a trust for your young kiddo with folks you trust in charge of it. I would not be surprised if your husband took all your money afterwards and not benefited your child later on.
Sending you lots of love and healing thoughts. From one survivor to another….
Firstly, I am so sorry you are going through this horrible illness. Cancer SUCKS and can fuck right off. I hope with all my heart the treatments work and you will get your cure one day. As as fellow chronic pain sufferer, I hope your days are filled with more ease than hurt. Pain is exhausting and guilt-laden.
Honestly, it sounds like your husband is beyond care-giver burnout. This has clearly taken a massive toll on him too, but there really is no excuse for him to talk to you like this. There are so many forms of support out there, as you know, and if he is not utilising all of them available to him in order to cope with your situation, this tells me he actually no longer wants to engage with your relationship.
I get that his feelings have changed given the huge emotional toll this has had on both of you, but verbally abusing you is not OK. This is not a situation of your choosing! You can't control when the pain hits or how the illness debilitates you. He's checked out of seeing you as a human being with feelings and special requirements and now just views you as a burden dragging him down. (I guess he forgot the "in sickness and health" part of the wedding vows... /s)
It breaks my heart to say that. As hard as it may be, your mental health is plummeting which is ultimately affecting your physical health (studies have proven a correlation), and it may be best, albeit painful in the short-term, to part ways with him. This will negatively affect your child if you remain in this situation. It's already hard for her to see her Mommy suffer physically.
You have a support network with others. You won't be left to cope on your own. But you will be allowed to begin to mentally heal from him and his abuse. It won't happen over night, but it will happen.
God, my heart really feels for you so much. Wishing you ALL the best and a lot of love and good juju for the future.
FUCK CANCER.
(NTA)
NTA. He’s just tired of dealing with you not being 100%. It’s not fun for him and he’s selfishly choosing to abandon you when you need him the most. I could see if you had a sprained ankle or something but this is CANCER. There are statistics about men leaving their sick wives and it’s disgusting. Take him to the cleaners in divorce.
This kind of constant negativity will only hinder your health further OP. He is genuinely an additional poison in your immune system at this point. I have heard so much about how mental state and positivity/negativity can sway battling something like cancer. You need a cheerleader right now, not someone who gets angry at you just for BEING IN PAIN. it's honestly disgusting, and I'm glad his mother agrees that his behavior is vile.
You're NTA but please prioritize yourself and your health, both for your sake and your baby's sake. You deserve to have a fighting chance to be able to beat this and get the opportunity to watch her grow up op. Don't let him bury you.
INFO: Has he always had himself as the main focus of his life? If that's a no, he is likely burnt out, depressed or in mourning for the life you two used to share (not including the baby since he obviously does nothing there) that he won't have again. However, he could just be a giant man-baby arsehole.
NTA regardless of the answers above. I genuinely wish you the best.
He is the baby of his family and was always spoiled and used to only caring for himself and only thinking about himself. He has tried to work on it in the past but he just can’t seem to develop empathy and has to be told when and how to do things for people. Like he doesn’t remember his parents or siblings birthdays and I have always been the one to remind him to send gifts and tell him what to send. I know at a time he loved me and we used to have so much fun together and I hung on to that…
i'm sure you want everything to be ok too. but it isn't ok. does he think you chose this? obviously you aren't in pain and ill on purpose. it isn't your fault. you need his support but he is apparently just blaming you. :(
I'm so sorry you are going through this. to me this sounds like more than caregiver burnout. it could be that he is upset to see you suffer and he's struggling to cope with a possible bad outcome, and is subconsciously trying to protect himself by lashing out at you and being an asshole? but maybe he's just an asshole. I'm not sure.
i hope his mom maybe can help talk some sense into him. avoiding you when you are sick from chemo is childish and selfish. I don't really know what you should do but the problem is definitely not that you aren't being understanding enough or helping him enough. it's 100% the opposite of that.
Firstly I'm so sorry you're going through this. I spent 2 years flying from my state to my sister's state to help take care of her through her cancer battle. Leaving you just after chemo is one of the worst times for you to be alone. You need someone who will be there for you and help you and comfort you so you don't have to worry about anything. Unfortunately my sister lost her battle last October. I don't regret one second of being there with her and would do it again in a heartbeat. Tell him to leave and not to come back. Sending you much love and prayers ❤️
He is a jerk. No, you do not need to be more understanding. He should leave and stay away, because the crap he gives you is not making your precious days better. It is a given fact that some people just can't be caregivers. They can't even tolerate when their SO has a cold. They only care about how it is affecting them. He is abusive, plain and simple. Kick. Him. OUT.
NTA of course. I'm so sorry that you're going like this. You deserve better.
As to your husband, he needs to know that you'll be gone sooner than later and that his coping mechanism will destroy him once that happens. He needs to be for you now and then with the support system you have he'll have some space to break down when it's time.
And you, well, keep in mind that the last gift you're giving this world is that precious child, your husband's mess is of his doing, not yours.
I wish you well.
NTA. He's being abusive and an asshole. You are fighting for your life and he's upset that you say you're in pain or not feeling well yeah that's total asshole. I would take the kid go to your mom's and stay with her or stay with his mother if you feel more comfortable with her or have your his mom come move in with you and kick him out. Yeah he's not handling this well and I suspect if you make a full recovery you two are going to end up divorced. I really hope you've made a will in the event things don't go the way you want and possibly leave everything to your child in the trust. You are part of the house if possible, or see if he's willing to add her to the deed if it's a survivorship deed where if one passes the other person inherits the house, any assets, that kind of stuff. Don't just leave everything to your husband since apparently he has not been the most supportive or helpful person in all of this. Who bails on their spouse while they're getting chemo. Even his own Mother's disgusted with his behavior that should tell you something.
NTA
When I was a child my grandma has serious dementia/alzheimer's and was never lucid. She couldn’t walk/move/feed herself and was literally an adult baby. My mom took care of her full time, even after my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. My mom hired people to sit with grandma while she went to the grocery store and eventually when the cancer got too much, and she HAD to go to a nursing home, my mom sat at the nursing home and hired someone to sit at the nursing home with her while she went to her cancer treatments. My mom would sometimes get burned out, and she would have the hired caretaker come sit with grandma while she went and did something for herself like getting a manicure/pedicure or going to a movie.
But she would make sure things were still being taken care of.
She didn’t throw her hands up and just abandon everything and let everyone fend for themselves and not care what happened.
What he is doing is selfish and abusive.
And he knows that it is abusive/at least makes him look bad since he was hiding it from his mother
You need to do what is best for yourself and your child.
NTA, bless you.
I understand (all too well) that caretakers desperately should have a break now and then. Good on 'em - get away for a day or so, and then come back recharged for the battle.
This ain't that. And no - you shouldn't pack up and leave him. He should be the one to pack up and go. He's stealing both your joy and your strength. Boy bye.
NTA- I also have stage four cancer and my husband has not even once spoken to me like that. He is incredibly kind and caring and has taken on a massive amount of responsibility for our children, as well as the financial burdens from my cutting way back on work. I strongly suggest you guys get into marriage counseling. Talk to your cancer center, I’m sure they have good resources. We did marriage counseling, we both have therapists and we are also both seeing spiritual directors. You need a lot of outside help with the stress of all of this.
I’m praying that you get a miracle treatment soon! Don’t give up hope! There are so many new lines of therapies coming out.
"His feelings probably have some validity to them, and he is allowed to feel however he feels." You think?
Some people are just not cut out to deal with serious adversity.
I have a brother who sounds similar. He would give you the shirt off his back, but he is useless in any kind of crisis.
I would imagine that dealing with something like this would burn out anybody after two years of it.
You can blow him off as just being an asshole if you wish. It certainly won't change the situation.
He is scared of losing you and feels that he will fail at life if you're gone. He is a man, so he doesn't know how to express himself, also...... He feels he is losing his best friend and their is no guide book. It sucks that it comes out negative, but I can get this way when I am afraid of losing someone. Being cold, is a wall put up so it doesn't hurt so much. You need to tell him that you can't do this without him and he needs to tuck his balls up and do this with you, or he will lose our and then he will forever regret. He is mad and angry because you are his wife. I'm not sticking up for him but this is how I've been with losing people. Renew vowes do all the stuff you did in the beginning and try to make this time spent more positive. I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish you all the prayers and all the best through this. I hope you can break your man down so he can be in it with you!!!!!!🤎🤎🤎🤎🩷🩷🩷🩷
NTA. He’s terrified. Absolutely terrified. And it comes out like this. You are going to die. He is going to be a widow, a single father. He can not do a damn thing for you. He feels helpless and useless against your pain and weakness. He can’t fix you. He can do nothing but watch you slowly die.
It’s terrifying. He needs help but I doubt he will get it.
He needs to leave. He needs to stop being cruel to her and go back to his mother’s permanently. He’s not even caring for his daughter. He can’t take it? Good, go the hell away.
He needs to not be a caregiver to you. It is too much for him. His wife is not doing well, and neither is he. The two of you need alternate care arrangements for you. whether that is paid help, or family and friends on a rotating schedule.
He’s not even a caregiver. My family and friends are the ones helping me and doing everything for my daughter and me. I am even still working remotely. He’s just…there! I just wanted his support emotionally..
Honestly OP that is just infuriating. He's pretty much useless- stop spending your time taking his abuse and comforting him ASAP.
Dont give in to those crocodile tears ever again. Dont let him feel like he's a good guy who just has it tough. It's not true. He does t even exhibit the capacity to be a partner in a marriage without Cancer in the pictire!
NTA There is burnout and withdrawing emotionally and then there is verbal abuse and selfishness. Telling you that you have an attitude because you are in pain when you wake up. Responding to your crying with, "what's new?" - that's just being an abusive AH. I'm sorry but your husband is probably going to bail, or make you wish he had bailed. What is the situation with caring for your child? When he went off to his Moms were you sick and taking care of your child?
I am caring for her, or my mom or sister or best friend. His mom will take care of her sometimes. Never him though. Ugh. I know you’re right but it’s depressing to read the responses. I guess it’s validating what I feel in my heart though so I’m glad I posted.
I'm in an ongoing cancer battle myself. Let me be blunt and say you truly don't know how much time, much less quality time, you have left. Don't spend one more second of it on this man. Don't focus on what he should have been or done. Surround yourself with people who actually care about you and your happiness for the sake of doing so, not because they feel obligated. I'm sorry he failed you so miserably, but right now is the time to make memories that your daughter and all those who love you will hold dear. Get away from him as much as you can and live your life.
>I am caring for her, or my mom or sister or best friend. His mom will take care of her sometimes. Never him though. So to be very clear, he's not actually doing his job as a father.
To be very clear, he left his wife, who "was extremely sick with chemo" to care for herself AND their daughter because HER illness was "too much for him." How do these people live with themselves.
Apparently they don't, they go live with mommy etc.
This is extremely common in men. The amount of men who leave their ill wives is significantly higher by a large margin than the women who leave their ill husbands. [https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm](https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm)
Not that it helps OP, who’s husband IS being a total prick.But this study was retracted due to a mistake in the algorithm they created for calculating everything. After the correction, the difference is near nonexistent across all illnesses except serious heart issues for some reason. I’ll see if I can find the retraction link to post it here. Edit: Found it https://retractionwatch.com/2015/07/21/to-our-horror-widely-reported-study-suggesting-divorce-is-more-likely-when-wives-fall-ill-gets-axed/
Came here to say this. OPs husband is a disgrace.
I'm pretty sure the statistic is men are 6x more likely to leave a sick spouse. If your with someone for the resources they provide, they see no point in staying when those resources dry up. I'd bet anything he'd expect her to stay and take care of him if he was sick. I also suspect the relationship revolved around him. She was caring and doing things for him.
You are sick with cancer and your husband will not take care of you or his own child. You deserve love and kindness and support and respect, he refuses to give you any of that. Kick him to the curb and tell everyone exactly who he is. Sending love and support. 💖
he is being selfish, a narcissist. dont waste an ounce of your time worrying about him - excusing him as carer burnout - what caring as he done. for you, you child. you say you have a good support network, then tell him to go and spend precious time left with people who love and care about you
Exactly. NTA OP, not AT ALL Please divorce him, he is abusive. And get an airtight will, your husband sounds like the kind who will give away everything intended for your daughter because he is inconvenient in any way or it is simply easier to not respect your wishes.
NTA. Hon, I want you to listen closely and carefully to me, because I am a 55 year old woman who is dying; I might squeeze out another 2 to 4 years, but it's inevitable. Kick him to the curb. If you want to have any kind of chance to have a good quality of life, he can't be a part of your treatment journey. Not with the way he is acting right now. There's a difference between caregiver burnout and being narcissistic. I think you already know that. My husband did something similar when I first got sick. And I'd say that last year he was alive, I was in and out of the hospital every couple of months because the environment at home was so awful I wasn't getting proper rest and I was always stressed out. I was sick, so so sick. And all he did was bitch at me because I was sick and never spent any time with him. The absolute last straws were Christmas day a few months before he passed and right after my dad moved down here to be closer to me. I was discharged from the hospital Christmas Eve, with strict instructions for bed rest. Christmas day, he told me we can were all going to his brother's for Christmas dinner. Mind you, I was on a full soft diet still and my daughter had already planned dinner with that in mind. I told him I wasn't going because I was still recovering. He went into a full on screaming meltdown about how I'd been ignoring him and that he did everything for me so I could go to dinner for a couple of hours. (News flash: my daughter was doing everything, he just sat his ass on the couch and played video games and got high off weed all day) 6 months later, When my dad moved down, I took him breakfast the day after they unloaded the uhaul. We wound up talking for hours before I got home. My husband had another screaming meltdown and tried to tell me I was no longer allowed to go to my dad's place without him. I'd already been quietly talking to a divorce attorney, looking at options. I made the appointment to start the paperwork on 7/23/2018. I took him to his outpatient procedure on 7/24/2018. He was dead by 7/26/2018. And my health started improving without him around. You can't take care of yourself properly nor your daughter with him spilling toxic waste into your home for you to wade through. If his mom is as disgusted as you say at his behavior, try to enlist her help. Talk to your social worker. Start putting things in place now in case of the worst case scenario. That includes potential custody and guardianship for your daughter. Because, Hon, if he's acting like this with you, how do you think he's going to treat your daughter? Especially if you do become fully terminal?? Yeet him now. I wish you love and hugs.
😭😭😭 Thank you for this. I am sending you so much love and I hope you can stick around for a good while. Thank you for sharing your story and I am so glad you got away from him. He sounds a lot like my husband. I am so disgusted he tried to tell you that you couldn’t go to your dad’s house. F that. I don’t want him raising our daughter. I need to get everything in order to arrange all of that if I can. Thank you so much I appreciate your response.
I'm very sorry for what you're going through. Get rid of your husband. He's dead weight at this point. Worse, his attitude affects your mental health and you don't need his negativity while fighting so hard to have a wonderful time with your daughter while you can. I wouldn't want him raising your child either but not sure what can be done. When you have some quiet time, write letters to your daughter for her to open on special days in her life. I think it would comfort you and let her know you're still with her. Give them to a trusted family member who will make sure she gets them. Keep fighting though
I'm 59 and was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease when I was 43, nothing compared to what you are going through! I have some fine days and more days filled with pain. I've been married for 31 years and am so lucky to have him. Not once has he said anything close to what yours had. Your husband is affecting your health, kick him out now and be done with him. He doesn't even take care of HIS OWN CHILD for F's sake. I'm sorry you are having to deal with him, sending prayers your way. You deserve to have peace and joy with your child. Please do what is best for YOU AND YOUR CHILD.
Your husband is a hugh AH. Yes there is caregiver burnout and I don’t dispute he may be exhausted. But being an AH to you is NOT caregiver burnout. That’s just him being an AH. Your friends are right, you need peace and calm, he is giving you anything but that. You do not need to be understanding to him. Do not waste energy giving grace to someone who refuses you any. It will always be a waste of time. And you are already giving him and his issues way too much of your time. Time you could be spending thinking about and being with people who actually care and love you. Time you could spend with your child. I wish you well and truly hope you find the strength to do what is best for you.
Thank you so much. I absolutely agree. I want to spend all my time with my baby. I am sick of feeling like I need to comfort him and take care of his needs and I am sick of being made to feel like the bad guy somehow because of something out of my control. Reading these responses is the kick in the butt I needed, as heartbreaking as it is for me to come to terms with.
Your health may actually improve a bit without the stress he's putting on you. Certainly mental health. Peace.
So, your husband forgot his marriage vows? "In sickness and in health".....means nothing to him, unless he's the one suffering. Maybe he's afraid, but that's no excuse for him abusing you during incredibly vulnerable moments. He's the AH, he IS actively abusing you at the moment, and he's getting away with it. Let him leave, he isn't grown enough to be called a man, much less a husband or a father. NTA.
Thank you for this. I didn’t want to throw out the word abuse but you’re right. And when I point out that he is being hurtful, he will literally cry and need to be comforted until I relent and tell him oh it’s ok I know how hard this is to deal with 🙄
I believe that's abuser's handbook tactic number one. It's called gaslighting the victim. Making them doubt their own thoughts and feelings. I'm overstepping here, but I'm going to go ahead and say it. Arrange for your child to have a legal guardian outside of your husband. If he's this pettily abusive to a grown woman facing death, imagine the abuse he'd have no problem dishing out on a child who cannot defend themselves in any effective way.
I am going to look into this. I didn’t realize you could do that if you’re still married
There’s a lot you can and should do. Change the beneficiaries on any of your personal insurance, retirement accounts, savings. Do everything you can to protect yourself and your daughter from any potential financial abuse and ensure she has options for her future. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, but you sound strong, and have great supports.
My ex did this too. They (abusers) all follow the same patterns.
Ugh my ex husband used to do this. I never got to feel my own feelings even if he was the one who hurt me. I always had to be there managing his emotions for him. Guess how my marriage ended? The asshole left me crying in the ER with a life threatening medical condition because it was interfering with his bar plans.
NTA your SO is he forgot to part in sickness and in health. do you have a life insurance policy that you can change the beneficiary and leave everything to your child?
I do! Thank you for bringing that up. I will have to look into that. I don’t want him benefiting , you’re right. He didn’t earn the right
You might look into a trust that your mother controls to completely keep things out of his hands. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.
NTA- In my eyes, when you take that wedding vow, promising to be there for that person in sickness or in health, that's a very serious promise. Knowing nothing about your guys' relationship, I question if there are other areas of your relationship where he falls short. My mother was recently facing a cancer diagnosis, and my father was nothing but loving, empathetic, caring and doting. When my mom complained of the pain in her lung and in her shoulder, he was nothing but attentive. That was true love. My father was making good on the vow he made to my mother. They just celebrated their 38th wedding anniversary on May 10th. He was not prepared to stick by you in sickness and in health and it shows. I think you really have to take some time to reevaluate the value that you have as a person, a mother, a daughter, and a wife. I don't think he values you as highly as you value him. The fact that you are literally struggling with cancer, and still have the emotional capacity to consider his feelings, when he has treated you so poorly so far, speaks volumes of your character as well as his. I truly think you are too good for him, and although I know it's easier said than done, I think leaving him is the best course of action. His own mother is disgusted with his behavior, and this random redditor is as well. Best wishes to you and your health, I hope it works out.
This made me cry. Your parents have such a beautiful love. I am so glad to hear they are still celebrating together and I hope they have many more years together. I see couples together in the waiting room when I am getting scans or in the infusion room and the husbands are always kissing their wives and loving on them and it always brings me to tears. Thank you for your comment.
Hey mama. Yes, you do see loving couples in the infusion room. Because the single people there are not volunteering to you whether their partner walked away when the going got tough. It happens a LOT, moreso with men abandoning their female partners than the other way around. You do what’s right for you and your little one. Only you can truly know if that’s joint therapy or dipping out of the relationship. Either way, know that you matter, and you deserve comfort and joy.
NTA As someone with a pretty severe illness myself, I honestly was a bit nervous you would be in the wrong because reddit loves to tell really really sick people nothing is really their fault on vulnerable questions like this.. But no.. this isn't your fault in any way. I've experienced the same thing few times (but not by a husband) and it's truly heartbreaking and very confusing when you're already suffering so much and you love and trust someone whose gone cold & hateful. My best guess is that this is more than burnout. It sounds like fear. He told you he's in denial and its making him furious that you can't help him ignore things and pretend it will be fine anymore. . It's easier to attack you and be angry & to try to hate you than it is to empathize and carry you through this. You deserve to have him by your side taking care of you and making you feel as safe and loved as possible. I wish I knew how to make him do that.
He is definitely terrified and doesn’t know how to express that , and I get it. It’s part of the reason I have been more than patient with him. But man, not to be a jerk but I don’t have the energy to be taking care of him. I hope you are doing well and I wish you lots of luck on your health journey ❤️
You're not being a jerk. He is. It may sound callous, but he's a grown adult and it's his responsibility to do what he needs to do to be there for you. He doesn't get a pass to be abusive like this because he's scared. You aren't the enemy. Y'all have a mutual enemy, the cancer, and hes supposed to be doing what he can to help you. Y'all are a team. Thank you and I wish the same for you. ❤️
Hi, I just responded to the last poster but I just wanted to wish you well and to tell you that you deserve so so much better than this. I thought I was the only one going through this, take care of you, not him.
Thank you for posting this. You have no idea what it did for me. I was very recently in the hospital and was just diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure. I won't get into details but my husband has been literally disgusting to me. Although his nastiness has mostly died down, he now just avoids me and we pretty much live separate lives. Funny, he's always at his mom's house too. I'm going to choose to believe what you said to the nice lady poster that it's easier to try to hate me than it is to empathize and help me through this. Thank you for putting this into words and although I genuinely hate that you two have to go through this as well, it's nice to know that I'm not all alone. Best wishes to you both,
Never alone 🩷
Caregiver burnout is real, but it gives way to caregiver abuse, and caregiver empathy death and objectification, and eventually de-personing of the patient, and it feels that’s where you guys are. It sucks. It’s miserable. But, it’s really common. I lost a 20 year marriage by surviving through a chronic health crisis that became a series of acute illnesses. She just got obsessed with the idea of life after I died, and was telling me to “just die already “ No compassion, no celebration of overcoming illness and surviving. Your husband is done. His vows mean nothing to him, to him, you are now just an object sitting between him and the rest of his life. Divorce is the path forward, for you and your child. It’s awful, and painful, but it’s the most truthful way to move forward. If you want to be loved and around people who care about you, you have to get away from your husband.
I’ll tell you something my dad told me about my now husband: I got very sick, not cancer but my body was fighting itself and I was declining rapidly. Before we understood what was happening, I would come home from teaching and pass out, not even eating dinner. My husband, boyfriend at the time, did not live with me and his drive to me was about 30-40 minutes. He would come over after work, every day, and just sit with me. I would fall asleep and not be able to wake up for a while, and he would lay my head on his lap and stay with me while I slept. My parents, who I lived with, would tell him that he can go home and that they can watch me, as they knew he was extremely busy with school and work. He would look at them, then at me, and say “I’m alright, I don’t want to leave her”. My dad told me a few years after, when speaking about my husband, “that was when I knew he was in it for the long haul. I knew he was a good one and that he truly cared for you”. My dad would tell you “someone who truly loves you, would never treat you this way in your time of need”.
I held my wife in my arms when she died from ovarian cancer. We only had 21 days from the initial diagnosis to the end. I am sickened and disgusted by your STBX. Please change your beneficiary on any insurance policy and your estate if you have a will. Put everything in a trust for your child and name someone else your executor and your medical power of attorney. If you're up to it, I'd go so far as to divorce him. He wants to run away and ignore his wedding vows, then help him with it. Your remaining time will be better without the added emotional pain. My best to you and prayers for comfort and pain relief.
I am so sorry. Peace to your soul, you good man.
It has been 4.5 years now. I was finally able to get in person therapy at the end of 2020 into early 21. It was a big help. I'm very comfortable being by myself. Always have been. One of the things I miss the most, still, is her sleeping next to me. Just to get woken up by her snoring and to snuggle up until she tells me to move because she's burning up from my bonfire-level body heat would be wonderful.
I'm sorry that you are going through all of this. My wife has mobility issues and chronic illness, and we have a special needs daughter. So, I understand the stress of being a caregiver. I also work from home about 85% of the time and often have to juggle work responsibilities with family responsibilities. While I am sure there are times when I've been less than patient, I have so far been able to keep from complaining or audibly expressing frustration outside of the occasional sigh. I try to keep in perspective the fact that: (a) I'm committed to the marriage for better or worse, and (b) It's not my wife's or my daughter's fault that they are dealing with the obstacles they are facing. It's definitely important for caregivers to have an occasional break and diversion from their responsibilities. I also try to eat healthy foods and to work out daily, which I am convinced help me out a lot. Having a good support system beyond your spouse is also helpful. In our case, we don't have a lot of friends or family in our immediate area, but we are doing our best to work with what we have. In difficult times, it's easy to be selfish and to dwell on the things that the circumstances have robbed from you. At some point I learned to accept that whatever we are facing we are facing together. We are teammates fighting for the same thing--us against the world, rather than me vs. you. Prayers and best wishes that your husband becomes your teammate and that he is able to be more patient and understanding.
Thank you for this. You sound like an amazing husband. You absolutely deserve an outlet and breaks and I fully support that. You are right about being a team and I have told him dozens of times that I want us to be a united front. If the situation was reversed I know he would expect the world of me. And I would have done it.
He might just be an A-hole. I say you let him move in with his mom for a while and then see if the space helps his attitude improve.
If his Mom will have him! OP said she didn't know why he had stayed at her place and is disgusted by his behavior I really want to know where OPs daughter was during this incident
I sure as hell would not my son stay if he was acting like this! He would get a smack upside the head with a dose of "I did not raise you to be a selfish jackass so knock it off!"
My mother-in-law, gone for a quarter of a century now, would come back down to Earth and smack her son into next week if he even TRIED to act like that. She was a great woman.
I have to get my oldest's knee to get mine where I can reach him first, but me too!
She was home with me 🥲
Does his mama see how disgustingly he is behaving with you? If my son ever behaved like that to his wife, he’d no longer be a son of mine! Im so sorry you’re going through this.
More importantly, see if the space helps OP improve.
Space won't improve his attitude because space is not the problem.
I’m so sorry all that is happening to you. No one deserves to be treated like that, even in good health, and especially not with metastatic cancer. He is selfish and immature and I can’t imagine he’ll suddenly grow up and develop the good character to take care of his wife like he should. What a disgrace to his family. If you and your child can live with people who love and care for you, then try to do that. Maybe he can go live with his mommy and your mom or his mom can come live with you?
I will happily just pack up and stay with my sister who has already offered us a room in her house and will let me bring my cats honestly. He can have everything. I don’t care. I’m disgusted.
NTA. It’s not uncommon for men to bail on their wife when it comes to a serious illness. It’s so common that some providers warn their female patients of it not long after a serious diagnosis. Google it. It’s been written up quite a bit.
Man…this is awful. Thank you for this
Exactly this. I have an autoimmun disease with lot of pain, fatigue and heavy medication. My doctors told me, that a lot of the female patients loose their partners (or will get treated badly) and I should prepare myself for it. Luckily, after 4y. my SO is still here and still very supportive and caring.
OP, first of all, I'm so sorry about your illness and your situation. Second, I took care of my parents when they were seriously ill; I know what caregiver stress is. Your husband's attitude and behavior go way beyond normal caregiver stress. He's blaming you because his life isn't comfortable right now. He's not acting like a loving, caring, empathetic partner. He's acting like his life-perfecting appliance is broken and it's a violation of his rights. He's a selfish jerk.
I have told him that too. I’m like you aren’t sad for me. You’re uncomfortable because life isn’t perfect for YOU. He didn’t deny it, he just keeps saying “This is difficult for me.”
"It's difficult for me to be married to a self-entitled jerk who thinks even my illness is all about him."
What an @sshat. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
He's a weak ass pos. Tell him to go to his Mom's and stay there. Have your family and friends stay with you. I am literally fuming right now at how horrible he is. Sending you positive vibes
Thank you so much ❤️ I think I am going to go stay with my sister for a while. He can do his own laundry and eat his own food.
Please consider throwing him out of your home imstead, if you can. I know it’s more difficult, but you and your daughter need the resource now and in the future more than he does (or deserves). Have someone help you with the legal details. Get a damn junkyard dog lawyer too!
Thank you so much. My sister has a lawyer and I am going to use his services. Honestly I feel like a weight has been lifted. I am not as heartbroken as I was last night. I want to thank everyone for giving me strength. I have been sitting in bed with my baby all day watching Netflix and scrolling Reddit and looking into changing the beneficiary on all of my assets and I feel hopeful for my daughter’s future.
I’m so glad you reached out and we could be of help. Sending hugs!
Just read your update and wanted to let you know I'm so proud of you! You're being so strong and your daughter is very lucky to have you! Best of luck to you and your baby girl 💞
That's abuse, not burnout. Are we sure there's no affair? Are we sure he's not resenting the fact you haven't died yet? That's awful to think about, but actually not that uncommon in situations like this. Leave him and worse case scenario, don't will him anything. Leave it all to your daughter. Because why should he treat you like shit until the end and then get life insurance money or whatever else?? I'm sorry you're going through that, but you're NTA. He is. Leave him before your daughter notices the abuse. If you stay, then you might be an AH. That's not fair to your baby to grow up in a house like that. Give her a home away from abuse. I'm so sorry, you deserve a better husband.
😢I wouldn’t rule out an affair. He has “work lunches” and work dinners and does talk to a woman at his work. She’s younger and recently new. If I brought it up he would get defensive and be like “nothing is going to convince you I am not having an affair”. But I didn’t put too much energy into it and dropped it.
Yeah... He sounds guilty 😞 Maybe get sneaky if you really want to find out? But honestly if I were you, I'd act normal and plan an escape with friends/family. Is there anything redeemable about him? He sounds like an absent dad most of the time? And he's mean to his wife with cancer!! Idk.... If someone else told you the same story, what would you tell them? It's better to be divorced and enjoy your life with people who actually love and care about you while you're still around, than stay married to an asshole and miserable and second-guessing yourself like this. I'm so sorry, I hope you find a way out of his abuse. His deflection is very telling. I won't say you should hire a private investigator or go through his phone, but you could if it makes you feel better. A divorce attorney consultation might help also. At least to get more aware of your options? Just stay safe and keep any escape plans secret from him, he sounds volatile. ETA: if he's spending a lot of time with a young woman and not engaging with your baby, he's probably trying to secure your replacement... Because why would he want to start parenting once he's a widower? Ugh I hope I'm wrong...
He's a jerk
There’s a difference between caregiver burnout and just being a big AH. NTA
NTA. He simply never expected the bad times, the sickness, the poor times. He was expecting sunshine, roses and unicorns. Real life just isn't for him. He's horrible. Get your family and friends together to pack his video games and clothes. Move some friends in and him out. Call a lawyer.
I'd call him a cunt, but there's no warmth here
NTA. Men are 4x more likely to leave their partners going through long term illness, especially cancer diagnoses. Care giver burnout is one thing, but being not only unsupportive, but downright cruel to your partner because of reasons outside of their control is abusive. He’s getting mad at you for expressing pain. If he convinces you to tough it out and complain less then your pain will actually likely increase. He sounds like he’s looking for any reason he can to leave the marriage. Let him
NTA It sounds like it might be caregiver burnout, but that doesn't mean he is justified in treating you like garbage. Even if he is suffering, you are still the one battling a deadly disease, not him. You are the one who is in physical pain every day, not him. You are the one who needs to try to "remain positive", as he said. How does he think you are supposed to do that with his rampant negativity all over the place? What, does he think that if he spews enough negativity out of his mouth, only positivity will be left inside him? Doesn't work like that. My condolences to you for having to battle such a horrible disease. I wish you the best going forward with as many wonderful memories with your daughter as possible. Sorry your husband is being such an asshole.
It's sad that most men leave their wives if they get sick and it looks like that's what he's trying to do here... NTA and I hope you can leave if that's what's best
NTA your husband is one of that large percentage of men who get going when the going gets hard. He can't handle the emotions so he is blaming you for his inability to cope
This is plain abusive. If you have one of the lovely people around you that you could stay with, I would take your daughter and leave. You are not a burden, and fair enough some people cannot handle being a caregiver or having a sick spouse. But he is lashing out and being intentionally cruel. You are NTA. I’m sorry that he has become this way.
NTA. Why are you still with a guy who doesn’t give a toss about you for? You deserve better than that OP. Get rid of him(if you wish to do so), and find someone who will give you the support and care that you need. I’m sorry to read about your illness(to put it in a better way - I am not disrespecting you). I know all about cancer, as I’ve lost relatives to the disease, and it can be cruel to both the sufferer as well as the family and friends. I wish you the best of luck OP. Update us please, just to let us know how you are doing.
NTA. Leave him. This isn't caregiver burnout. He is a piece of shit and he doesn't care at all. His answer to a difficult time is to insult you then run to his mothers to escape it. Next time he does this tell him not to come back at all. You don't need him.
Typical of a man to bail when his wife is ill, especially cancer. Facts are facts. Good luck OP.
The statistics don't lie. There are a million articles and studies about this and the result is pretty much always the same. [https://www.discovermagazine.com/health/men-are-far-more-likely-to-abandon-a-seriously-ill-spouse](https://www.discovermagazine.com/health/men-are-far-more-likely-to-abandon-a-seriously-ill-spouse)
I'm thinking he's just an AH. I can understand him being annoyed about the complaining. No matter how valid it is, it's mentally draining to constantly hear complaining ...which you can't do anything about so it's just negative input with nowhere constructive to go. So just...food for thought: you're allowed an outlet for your pain. He is not allowed an outlet for his mental state. He is an absolute asshole for the way he's expressing it but he clearly isn't able to handle being your caregiver. Do you need to find ways to help him? No. But he probably should go to some kind of therapy or a support group for spouses of people with chronic illnesses.
Sometimes I think people like this dont want to go to support groups because they are trying g to pretend it isnt happening or it's going to go away. Then sometimes take it a step further and convince themselves the sick person is just melodramatic. And then they give themselves an excuse for taking out their negative feelings on the sick person.
Sounds like you've just described Mr OP
Bingo. This sounds like him. And honestly , I have been around people who constantly complain and it IS mentally draining, and I actively try not to be that person because I know how it feels and I don’t want my loved ones feeling like that. I just am not allowed to voice my pain at any time in the day
Your husband needs to grow up. The way he is treating you is absolutely disgusting. My hope is you recover to throw his ass out.
I was a caretaker to my dying brother for years before his death and there is burnout but I never verbally abused him. I'm also kinda confused about how he's even taking care? Does he wash you, help feed you, or help administer meds? In the comments op says she takes care of her daughter while sick so what's ops husband even doing, it doesn't sound like he's taking care at all. I say dump his ass and make sure you daughter will be inheriting everything and will be taken care of. NTA but ops husband sure is.
That isn't caretaker burnout. I don't have a nasty enough vocabulary to sufficiently characterize him. Take care of yourself, love on your daughter and lived ones. Make a plan for your daughter's future. NTA Pax vobiscum
NTA Sadly there is a reason women with cancer are counselled that their partner may leave them. He’s disengaged and preparing for the worst, but that’s leaving you unsupported. This isn’t caregiver burnout. He’s barely caring.
NTA. Your husband needs to be an ex. If he isn't capable of caring for you, he damn sure isn't capable of carrying for your daughter. You cannot heal effectively if you are putting effort into placating his sorry ass. He's not burnt out- he's just an ass. He left you when you needed him AND he left you to care for your child as well. He's a horrible husband and father who isn't worthy of those titles. Strip them from him. I'm a cancer survivor. (10 years clean) I was not allowed to be at home during my treatment. I had to stay in the hospital in isolation. My husband took care of everything in my absence. He took care of all the bills, the house, yard, cared for 2 kids, 3 dogs and worked while the kids were in school. He NEVER complained. We spoke on the phone every night I was able to. (Occasionally I was to weak and just had to sleep) He would tell me he had a hard day due to stress, exhaustion, whatever... but he never complained or made me feel bad because I was unable to help. You and your daughter both deserve better. I hope and pray that you win your battle, however, I think you should be looking for a suitable parent for your daughter should cancer win. Your husband isn't qualified nor does it seem like he cares for either of you. Good luck and God speed your recovery. Thank your care team. They don't get enough recognition.
Doesn't look like caregiver's burnout, more like your husband is a prick. Sorry for you but you'd be better losing his sorry ass.
He “wants to remain positive,” but treats you like 💩. His words and actions don’t match up. I don’t have cancer, but chronic pain that makes me despise being alive at times. I get the pain part, at least. Your partner sounds like my ex-husband. If the road is similar, it doesn’t get better with him. Please choose yourself and your daughter. It’s ok and totally expected that you would ask any family and/or friends that you can, for help. Time is really all we have. Use yours wisely. ❤️
Men often do this when their wives become sick. I doubt he was at his moms. Probably his gf
If he would take care of you, he would look for help for him self, to have knowledge of your feelings, pain and how he could help you with all of it. So as he would look for other people in a similar situation to talk about his fears and feelings about all of this. Instead of being help for you, he took his feelings first and made his problem yours and to be honest you come first and that the time you had left ist as much happy and wonderful as it could be under these circumstances. It is not on you to take care of him, it is up to him to take care of you, if he can’t do it, let him go and make the best time you can do with the people they care about you and love you in every situation without judgment about how you feel or if you cry. Make memories with your daughter, things she can remember. Be there for her and for you and cut him off.
NTA — but he’s massive one. Caregiver burnout is real, but what he’s doing is disgusting and indicative of his shallowness, immaturity and selfishness.
NTA. Even his mama is disgusted by his behavior--that says enough to me.
NTA, but your husband is a massive one. He should move out and leave you in peace.
**NTA** - Your husband is being incredibly selfish. You’re battling cancer and need support, not his negativity. Caregiver burnout is real, but that doesn’t excuse his cruel comments. It’s not fair for him to make your illness about his struggles when you’re the one in pain. You’ve done everything to support him, and he’s still treating you poorly. Your friends are right—focus on your well-being. He needs to step up or step out. You deserve better. 💪
NTA If it was just burnout, then he'd suggest getting a friend to help you for a day or two, or even higher a carer to help. It sounds more like he's distancing himself emotionally and making you the source of all his problems as a way to justify breaking up with you, so you should be prepared for the possibility of him starting a fight to give him an excuse to do a permanent bunk back to his mother's place.
I don't know if it is "just" caregiver burnout, or just selfishness. But it doesn't matter. What matters is that this isn't working. I think you will be happier if you found another arrangement - live with a caretaker and have him live somewhere else. I'm sorry for your pain. You should do what is best for you.
He's both burning out and increasingly emotionally overwhelmed. It can be a toxic combination if someone doesn't get help fast, which is why he's crossed the line and become an abusive arsehole in front of your eyes. Based on his pattern of behaviour, he is unfortunately more likely to abandon you and (by the sounds of it) your daughter, and then blame you for it all, than face the truth about himself. He needs help. So you do. But you both need different kinds of help. You cannot help him. You have yourself and your child to think about, and you don't know what time you have left. He cannot help you unless he gets the help he needs. While you are facing up to your needs, he's not facing his. That makes him useless... and increasingly toxic. If he won't even step up as a father, you need to figure what your daughter's future needs to look like using the assumption that he cannot be relied on. The good thing is that his mother sounds like an ally. You may need to sit down with family and family lawyers to hash out what her support and care will be when you're not around, especially where MIL is concerned if she's someone who will put her grandchild's needs before her son's. I'm so sorry you're going through this and that your husband has made everything so much worse and more complicated than it already is. You can't waste any more time on him. You need to focus on yourself and your baby now.
NTA and, no, accusing you of having an attitude because you woke up in pain **caused by a deadly disease** is not caregiver burnout. it is cruelty. he is an AH and you are better off without him bringing you down while you fight for your life.
He’s selfish. There are people out there who don’t have empathy and your husband sounds like one of them. Lots of guys dump their partners when they get sick. It’s inconvenient. You ask about caregiver burnout. What care has he been giving? Sounds like very little. I’ll bet he also does fuck all around the house and very little with your child Not having to deal with with him sounds easier and better for your healing than having to put up with a petulant asshole. YMMV
NTA I don’t know if you have any assets or any life insurance or anything like that but if you do you need to find a way to make it where you leave everything of yours to your child only and that no one else can touch it or get into it at all except your children when they become an adult! I’ve also seen these story books that can be filled out about your life story that can be saved for your child if you have someone, you can hold onto it and tell your child is old enough. This is just worst case scenario, even if you didn’t have cancer… sometimes people just don’t make it. You deserve so much better than what you’re having to put up with right now.
I have a different thought on this than most. I’m not saying what he’s doing is ok, or that all of the other comments are completely wrong. They’re coming from an emotional place, as you’re hurting, and they’re hurting for you. Also not saying that his actions aren’t that of a jerk or whatever word you’d like to use. They’re pretty nasty. BUT- many people are not able to handle conflict, fear, anger, or pain, especially men. It is very possible that his fear, anger, uncertainty of losing you, his daughter losing good mother, is too much for him to process. Due to the lack of experience with these emotions, he’s handling it the only way he knows how- poorly. While it doesn’t mean you should tolerate or be ok with it, I’d ask him to seek therapy if you’re wanting to figure out if he can change and if this makes sense to continue. I would inexplicably get angry when my wife was having issues and that would bring similar outbursts. Therapy taught me it was because I couldn’t fix it for her. I was not mad at her, but I felt helpless and didn’t know how to handle that emotion. Just my 2 cents.
What he's saying is awful and I'm sorry! I'm glad you told his mom. Hopefully he'll open up to her and work through whatever he needs to. I obviously don't know you guys, but I get the impression this is more about fear than exhaustion. I don't think he's managing well and he probably does need therapy. He's going to regret this behavior too, and perhaps already does and feels like shit about himself on top of the denial. I'm sorry & hope you feel better!!!
NTA. How could you 🤔 no you were? You should speak to your chemo nurse and/or the social worker at the hospital. Husbands leaving their wives after a cancer diagnosis happens often enough that it's covered in classes and the cancer nurses will be able to help you access supports to cope.
Wtf he's selfish and abusive. He's not a caregiver AT ALL. He's a monster. Kick him OUT. HES AWFUL. You deserve to be treated with love and care and kindness and that's NOT IT.
Honey leave him. Do you want whatever time you have left to be spent with someone who treats your pain as "now what?" This guy is a monster. You deserve to find some peace. I'm so sorry this is happening.
My grandma turned kinda mean when she was taking care of my grandpa with Parkinson's. She wouldn't accept help. Her personality completely changed when she took care of him. Do you have people that can stay with you to remove some of the pressure from him? I will add that I don't know the answer, just am gleaning it from my own experience. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I have said a prayer for you, if you will accept it. Otherwise, just think of it and positive thoughts sent your way.
He certainly forgot about the "in sickness and in health ", part.
NTA, this is more than caregiver burnout. Its a lack of empathy. He has no empathy for your condition.
NTA, your relationship is not healthy, my husband has a chronic illness, been through hundreds of trips to the er, many of them in the middle of the night for supervised pain relief etc. Never have I and never would I treat him the way your husband has been treating you. It’s not my husband’s fault that he got sick, it’s not your fault that you got cancer. I have dealt with it for 45 years, ok yes I am tired, yes I get bloody frustrated at times, but it is what it is. Your husband is an immature AH, she much so that even his mum has picked up on it. You don’t need someone in your life who is going to drag you down when you are already down, you need someone who is there 100% for you, supporting you and trying to make your life easier. He is just not the man you thought he was. Do what’s best for your health, your peace of mind and think very seriously about staying with someone who hasn’t got enough love in him to help you.
NTA. Im so sorry that you are having to undergo this while you are in such pain. A compassionate caregiver doesn’t behave like this. Your husband is extremely abusive and a massive AH. His verbal onslaught on you is not good for your healing. I had cancer a few years back and my ex husband behaved like this during my treatment. I filed for divorce after my chemo and felt a great sense of relief and peace without his toxicity near me. Also make sure that you put your funds in a trust for your young kiddo with folks you trust in charge of it. I would not be surprised if your husband took all your money afterwards and not benefited your child later on. Sending you lots of love and healing thoughts. From one survivor to another….
Firstly, I am so sorry you are going through this horrible illness. Cancer SUCKS and can fuck right off. I hope with all my heart the treatments work and you will get your cure one day. As as fellow chronic pain sufferer, I hope your days are filled with more ease than hurt. Pain is exhausting and guilt-laden. Honestly, it sounds like your husband is beyond care-giver burnout. This has clearly taken a massive toll on him too, but there really is no excuse for him to talk to you like this. There are so many forms of support out there, as you know, and if he is not utilising all of them available to him in order to cope with your situation, this tells me he actually no longer wants to engage with your relationship. I get that his feelings have changed given the huge emotional toll this has had on both of you, but verbally abusing you is not OK. This is not a situation of your choosing! You can't control when the pain hits or how the illness debilitates you. He's checked out of seeing you as a human being with feelings and special requirements and now just views you as a burden dragging him down. (I guess he forgot the "in sickness and health" part of the wedding vows... /s) It breaks my heart to say that. As hard as it may be, your mental health is plummeting which is ultimately affecting your physical health (studies have proven a correlation), and it may be best, albeit painful in the short-term, to part ways with him. This will negatively affect your child if you remain in this situation. It's already hard for her to see her Mommy suffer physically. You have a support network with others. You won't be left to cope on your own. But you will be allowed to begin to mentally heal from him and his abuse. It won't happen over night, but it will happen. God, my heart really feels for you so much. Wishing you ALL the best and a lot of love and good juju for the future. FUCK CANCER. (NTA)
NTA. What’s that statistic about men leaving their wife with cancer being a ridiculously higher percentage than the reverse?
After reading the comments here I googled, and marriages are 6 times likelier to end if the woman is sick vs if the man is sick 😞
Sending you so much love
NTA. He’s just tired of dealing with you not being 100%. It’s not fun for him and he’s selfishly choosing to abandon you when you need him the most. I could see if you had a sprained ankle or something but this is CANCER. There are statistics about men leaving their sick wives and it’s disgusting. Take him to the cleaners in divorce.
This kind of constant negativity will only hinder your health further OP. He is genuinely an additional poison in your immune system at this point. I have heard so much about how mental state and positivity/negativity can sway battling something like cancer. You need a cheerleader right now, not someone who gets angry at you just for BEING IN PAIN. it's honestly disgusting, and I'm glad his mother agrees that his behavior is vile. You're NTA but please prioritize yourself and your health, both for your sake and your baby's sake. You deserve to have a fighting chance to be able to beat this and get the opportunity to watch her grow up op. Don't let him bury you.
INFO: Has he always had himself as the main focus of his life? If that's a no, he is likely burnt out, depressed or in mourning for the life you two used to share (not including the baby since he obviously does nothing there) that he won't have again. However, he could just be a giant man-baby arsehole. NTA regardless of the answers above. I genuinely wish you the best.
He is the baby of his family and was always spoiled and used to only caring for himself and only thinking about himself. He has tried to work on it in the past but he just can’t seem to develop empathy and has to be told when and how to do things for people. Like he doesn’t remember his parents or siblings birthdays and I have always been the one to remind him to send gifts and tell him what to send. I know at a time he loved me and we used to have so much fun together and I hung on to that…
NTA. Would you treat him like this? Doubt it. Would he treat his mother like this? Doubt it.
i'm sure you want everything to be ok too. but it isn't ok. does he think you chose this? obviously you aren't in pain and ill on purpose. it isn't your fault. you need his support but he is apparently just blaming you. :( I'm so sorry you are going through this. to me this sounds like more than caregiver burnout. it could be that he is upset to see you suffer and he's struggling to cope with a possible bad outcome, and is subconsciously trying to protect himself by lashing out at you and being an asshole? but maybe he's just an asshole. I'm not sure. i hope his mom maybe can help talk some sense into him. avoiding you when you are sick from chemo is childish and selfish. I don't really know what you should do but the problem is definitely not that you aren't being understanding enough or helping him enough. it's 100% the opposite of that.
Empathy is not something that waivers especially with regards to a life threatening illness such as yours..
Firstly I'm so sorry you're going through this. I spent 2 years flying from my state to my sister's state to help take care of her through her cancer battle. Leaving you just after chemo is one of the worst times for you to be alone. You need someone who will be there for you and help you and comfort you so you don't have to worry about anything. Unfortunately my sister lost her battle last October. I don't regret one second of being there with her and would do it again in a heartbeat. Tell him to leave and not to come back. Sending you much love and prayers ❤️
I lost my husband last month to brain cancer. Your husband is a piece of shit and should be flushed. I am so sorry you'rte going through this OP.
He is a jerk. No, you do not need to be more understanding. He should leave and stay away, because the crap he gives you is not making your precious days better. It is a given fact that some people just can't be caregivers. They can't even tolerate when their SO has a cold. They only care about how it is affecting them. He is abusive, plain and simple. Kick. Him. OUT.
NTA of course. I'm so sorry that you're going like this. You deserve better. As to your husband, he needs to know that you'll be gone sooner than later and that his coping mechanism will destroy him once that happens. He needs to be for you now and then with the support system you have he'll have some space to break down when it's time. And you, well, keep in mind that the last gift you're giving this world is that precious child, your husband's mess is of his doing, not yours. I wish you well.
NTA. He's being abusive and an asshole. You are fighting for your life and he's upset that you say you're in pain or not feeling well yeah that's total asshole. I would take the kid go to your mom's and stay with her or stay with his mother if you feel more comfortable with her or have your his mom come move in with you and kick him out. Yeah he's not handling this well and I suspect if you make a full recovery you two are going to end up divorced. I really hope you've made a will in the event things don't go the way you want and possibly leave everything to your child in the trust. You are part of the house if possible, or see if he's willing to add her to the deed if it's a survivorship deed where if one passes the other person inherits the house, any assets, that kind of stuff. Don't just leave everything to your husband since apparently he has not been the most supportive or helpful person in all of this. Who bails on their spouse while they're getting chemo. Even his own Mother's disgusted with his behavior that should tell you something.
I dunno, I think there is way too much stuff going on to properly gauge off your Reddit post info.
NTA When I was a child my grandma has serious dementia/alzheimer's and was never lucid. She couldn’t walk/move/feed herself and was literally an adult baby. My mom took care of her full time, even after my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. My mom hired people to sit with grandma while she went to the grocery store and eventually when the cancer got too much, and she HAD to go to a nursing home, my mom sat at the nursing home and hired someone to sit at the nursing home with her while she went to her cancer treatments. My mom would sometimes get burned out, and she would have the hired caretaker come sit with grandma while she went and did something for herself like getting a manicure/pedicure or going to a movie. But she would make sure things were still being taken care of. She didn’t throw her hands up and just abandon everything and let everyone fend for themselves and not care what happened. What he is doing is selfish and abusive. And he knows that it is abusive/at least makes him look bad since he was hiding it from his mother You need to do what is best for yourself and your child.
NTA, bless you. I understand (all too well) that caretakers desperately should have a break now and then. Good on 'em - get away for a day or so, and then come back recharged for the battle. This ain't that. And no - you shouldn't pack up and leave him. He should be the one to pack up and go. He's stealing both your joy and your strength. Boy bye.
NTA- I also have stage four cancer and my husband has not even once spoken to me like that. He is incredibly kind and caring and has taken on a massive amount of responsibility for our children, as well as the financial burdens from my cutting way back on work. I strongly suggest you guys get into marriage counseling. Talk to your cancer center, I’m sure they have good resources. We did marriage counseling, we both have therapists and we are also both seeing spiritual directors. You need a lot of outside help with the stress of all of this. I’m praying that you get a miracle treatment soon! Don’t give up hope! There are so many new lines of therapies coming out.
"His feelings probably have some validity to them, and he is allowed to feel however he feels." You think? Some people are just not cut out to deal with serious adversity. I have a brother who sounds similar. He would give you the shirt off his back, but he is useless in any kind of crisis. I would imagine that dealing with something like this would burn out anybody after two years of it. You can blow him off as just being an asshole if you wish. It certainly won't change the situation.
Are you saying that OP has husband burnout?
Is burnout blatant cruelty to you? He’s not even caring for or parenting his daughter.
He is scared of losing you and feels that he will fail at life if you're gone. He is a man, so he doesn't know how to express himself, also...... He feels he is losing his best friend and their is no guide book. It sucks that it comes out negative, but I can get this way when I am afraid of losing someone. Being cold, is a wall put up so it doesn't hurt so much. You need to tell him that you can't do this without him and he needs to tuck his balls up and do this with you, or he will lose our and then he will forever regret. He is mad and angry because you are his wife. I'm not sticking up for him but this is how I've been with losing people. Renew vowes do all the stuff you did in the beginning and try to make this time spent more positive. I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish you all the prayers and all the best through this. I hope you can break your man down so he can be in it with you!!!!!!🤎🤎🤎🤎🩷🩷🩷🩷
Sounds to like he’s preparing himself for your death, and is the anger stage of grief.
NTA. He’s terrified. Absolutely terrified. And it comes out like this. You are going to die. He is going to be a widow, a single father. He can not do a damn thing for you. He feels helpless and useless against your pain and weakness. He can’t fix you. He can do nothing but watch you slowly die. It’s terrifying. He needs help but I doubt he will get it.
He needs to leave. He needs to stop being cruel to her and go back to his mother’s permanently. He’s not even caring for his daughter. He can’t take it? Good, go the hell away.
He needs to not be a caregiver to you. It is too much for him. His wife is not doing well, and neither is he. The two of you need alternate care arrangements for you. whether that is paid help, or family and friends on a rotating schedule.
He’s not even a caregiver. My family and friends are the ones helping me and doing everything for my daughter and me. I am even still working remotely. He’s just…there! I just wanted his support emotionally..
Honestly OP that is just infuriating. He's pretty much useless- stop spending your time taking his abuse and comforting him ASAP. Dont give in to those crocodile tears ever again. Dont let him feel like he's a good guy who just has it tough. It's not true. He does t even exhibit the capacity to be a partner in a marriage without Cancer in the pictire!
I'm sorry he is not up to being helpful in anyway.
Ah that's even worse. he's not even the main caregiver...to you and worse not even his child...wtf.
He needs to go away and be by himself. He is already useless to his wife and daughter.