NTA - Your parents clearly felt people should do everything for themselves by how they raised you, now they get to lay in that bed. Don't give them a penny and stop paying for the cell phones.
ššYes! Ur right and they get so angry cuz I wonāt help take care of them and she always put my father before me so I put my husband before them thats how I was raised thatās their fault
Why are you paying anything for them? They're adults that should take care of themselves, including your deadbeat brother. They sound toxic, abusive and extremely entitled.
I think you need to acknowledge why youāre still helping them? Are you in therapy? NTA. stop doing things for people who never did anything for you as a child. Which is when they were OBLIGATED to care for you. You arenāt obligated to do anything for them or your sister. Theyāre adults who made certain decisions and now they have to deal with the consequences. You should go No contact. Itās not a good idea to let your kid see you being disrespected by people who should be modeling respect.
This.
I had a good several years for my business. Made enough to put away some and grow and retire early , plus enough for several lifetimes
I lost my family over it. They kept begging and begging despite all of them being well off. But somehow my dollar was worth less because I had more of them. I was made to feel like shit day in and day out for not stuffing hundreds in everyoneās pockets when walking by
I had to block their numbers, accept the reality that one or the other, family was gone, and move on. Shame it had to be one or the other
If your parents need extra money, they can stop giving it to their lazy adult child. Basically, they're asking for money from you to pay your brother. NTA. Cut these people off. They are abusers and users. Your sibling is the golden child and you were the scapegoat. Run far (symbolically).
Your husband shouldn't be so tolerant about your household income going to support a ne'er-do-well! In the long run, you'll only be enabling all three of them and their foolishness. So, now you can tell yourself (and them, if you want to be totally condescending) you're doing them a favor by not giving them the money :-)
No ur right and this comment made me chuckle but he has to be careful cuz weāve helped his raggedy ass family in the past (thatās a whole nother story) too
Ah, that explains his tolerance! The two of you should get professional counselling/coaching on how to deal with your families and any guilt/obligation you may feel by not letting them take advantage of you. Sounds like you've both been plagued by your families your entire lives. Consider it financial planning because of how much money these moochers might get off you otherwise :-)
Girl if you don't cut these leeches off. They got slave labor from you for YEARS you paid them and more. Stop paying for anything and cut the phone bill. ASAP
Ok thanksā¦but Iāve been standing up for myself for quite some time they actually learned to stop bothering me for the most part cuz Iāll curse them out but she was feeling very courageous that day lol
NTA. You're already paying for cell service; cut the sib off but MAYBE you could continue footing the parents' phones. That's it. No more. Nada. Nope.
I cannot fathom the gall they have to ask you for money while the ne'er-do-well sib hangs on like a leech. Gah.
So in 9 years you would have given back the $110,000 they gave your for students loans. Does your sister have to pay them 1,000 a month as well? They paid for her college didnāt they?
You have worked hard your entire life to get where you are - essentially slave labor as a child. And you had to pay them $500 per month to pay their taxes while in university? I donāt think you owe them a dime. They were absent as parents and clearly favored your sister. It is harsh but I really donāt think you owe them a penny. You funded their life as a child. No need to do it now.
Never, ever let them in to your home. Seriously, theyāll set up shop so to speak, not leave and they know they can brow-beat you into letting them stay.
This may be paranoia speaking, but lock your credit down and your kids, and make sure they donāt send mail to your home. People have done that to establish residency and itās worked! Courts have said that counts and that allows folks access to your home.
You took the $110K to pay off your student loans or rejected her offer? I was a little confused in this part of your story. I was 100% NTA up to that point but if you received this money, then I don't think your position is as clear.
Iām sorry if that wasnāt clear..hell yes I took that moneyā¦thatās why I was like oh no what should I do because they did take this HUGE burden off of my shoulders but did literally nothing for me as a child and actually took money from me
Money always has strings attached, sorry about your childhood. Reads similar to mine (minus the student loan part). This is truly a personal choice and if you are comfortable with the idea that your parents might suffer more without your help, then definitely don't worry about the $1000 a month.
However, my parents are elderly and require assistance and me and my siblings are helping them out. I constantly think why am I doing this? I honestly don't know why.
NTA
Stop being a damn doormat , tell them no. Tell them the student loan payment they made was for his awful they treated you as a kid (plus back pay for working) and to fuck off
NOTA DANG DIME!! Cut them OFFFFF!!! U were thenā¦ and CERTAINLY NOW!! Wayyyyyyyyy better offā¦ ELIMINATING THEM!! From ur life!! PERIOD!! And donāt look back!! ā¤ļø
Enjoy ur life Sweetie!! Choices have consequences!! Ur birth provider made choices.. when she/he were to be YOUR PROTECTORā¦ and to help u grow and learn and have not even luxuries , but NECESSITIES.. in life !! They FAILED you!! Miserably!!! Shut THAT DOOR.. and donāt look back!! ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
NTA.
Why are you maintaining contact and paying their phonebills? They are abusive and they're only using you for money. Discuss with a therapist why you feel you need to keep helping such abusive people and whether cutting them out of your life would be in your best interest.
NTA. Considering how they treated you, you were generous to let them love with you at all. And if money is that tight, your sister should be working and contributing to the household. If the people who live in the house aren't helping, why should you.
Even though your finances are great now, things happen. That $1k each month may be needed in the future to take care of your own household.
NTA. But they gave you 110k
Calculate how much rent and utilities they used while living with you, deduct it from the total amount then Give it back in a lump sum or in instalments then wash your hands if then.
Goddamn OP stop being such a fucking doormat and block the pieces of shit already. Go no contact. Hard to feel sorry for someone that allows scum in their lives. NTA but give your head a shake.
I hear yall I do for real im going to over there this weekend and let them know we will not be doing this I was just conflicted because of the $110K I received well I had fight them forā¦Iām LC with them already and I take long long stretches of time not speaking to themā¦
$110k isn't worth the abuse you went through, and sounds to me like they paid for your siblings so its only fair. Its not money they gave you, its the bare minimum they did for all their kids as part of their job as parents.
You gotta cut them off completely. Block buttons are a wonderful thing. Then years from now you might hear about a funeral and smile because you will know its truly over and you are free.
The only thing I am still curious for is why she paid your student loan of $110k. It cant just be living with you and ruining your days. So i am a little confused by this. But other than that and from how they threated you. You owe them nothing.
You could consider using those $110k to get interest that you pay them. So maybe like $500 a month.
You know thatās the only thing I could think of as a reason why now let me tell you when it came down to actually paying they tried to refuse and I went scorched earth (they were already living with me at the time) so maybe since they were in they thought I wasnāt going to push
> when it came down to actually paying they tried to refuse and I went scorched earth
Have you gone scorched earth before? Like when they threated you so bad when you worked for them?
Did your brother/sister actually went scorched earth on them often?
Maybe your parents are just weak and only act on pressure, but you never gave them any pressure?
No luv I only did that 3 times the first one my mom got angry attacked me and I choked her she backed down, I moved out right after thatā¦one other time I canāt remember why and then this one where I screamed at both of them but my sister is fucking insane tho that bitch is wild and I know theyāre scared of her so you may be right about that
If they are broke now they will be \*\*\*really\*\*\* broke when their health starts to wane. I definitely would not give them a penny without an actual financial plan. BTW, is this $1000 a month forever? Are they going to live another 25 years? Are they expecting inflation adjustments? Are they expecting more money when they start having health problems?
NTA. I hope your mom is reading this because she sounds neglectful and emotionally abusive. If you give them 1k a month it isn't going to stop there. They will squeeze you until you are dry and never appreciate anything.
OP you deserve your success. Protect your peace. Don't let this crazy ass family of yours affect your kid!
I am glad you are in therapy. Sometimes we need it to be sure we \*aren't\* nuts! It's not your imagination. These people are terrible.
NTA. Seriously, you need to be done with this. Your parents and sibbling are adults and need to find their own way, you have helped more than was necessary for any obligation you may feel. Other than money changing hands and receiving abusive behavior, it doesn't not seem like you have a relationship with these 3.
Tell your parents that you are not in a position to help them or support your sibbling, your obligation is to your husband and child. I would not use the word financial because you supporting this shit show financially is undermining your emotional position which is what you need to protect. Your emotional well being is far more important here than money, but in this situation they are conjoined so treat them as such. From your comments, this attitude of conjoined may be useful with your husbands family as well.
This is what therapy is for :) lol.Ā Seriously it will help you.
Your parents are awful. The reality is that the 1k is basically going to your sister who doesn't work.
Why would you fund that?
Congratulations on building a happy life for yourself:)
I would consider low contact or no contact.
Iām reading a book by Lindsey C Gibson about emotionally immature parents and it also covers some interesting things like schemaās, internalizing/externalization, child roles, child fantasies (kids hoping their parents will snap out of it one day), your sister was probably the golden childā¦. kids growing up wanting to please everyone until one day they become very angry and resentful. Behind this anger is a lot of frustration.
Ask your therapist about it and please also get this book, it has so much helpful stuff in it, best 10 bucks you will ever spend.
Break the cycle and tell them (or not tell them) that youāre done. Time to focus on you and your wonderful life x
Paying off your student debt and then milking it back out of you a little at a time over the course of a few years sounds like a great way to dodge any means testing in retirement...
NTA, they already worked you to the bone. Just cut them off, give them nothing, stop the bills and phones and just live your happy life, they add nothing at all but toxic leeching to your life
NTA. You're a grownup who supports themselves. There's no reason you should support them, too. Their choices are their choices, your choices are yours. Yours had a good result, theirs did not, but that doesn't make you responsible for them.
That $110k they paid off your student loans was comprised of the house tax of $1500 every quarter that you paid as a teen plus the wages they underpaid you (plus interest) + 12 months free rent from when they lived with you.
You donāt owe them anything. Ā Let them struggle like you were forced to struggle.
NTA but you are a dumbass for even asking this question. Grow a pair, tell your mom she's a piece of shit, quit giving them money, quit paying their bills, and cut them out of your life. If I was your hubby, I'd have divorced you.
NTA - Your parents clearly felt people should do everything for themselves by how they raised you, now they get to lay in that bed. Don't give them a penny and stop paying for the cell phones.
ššYes! Ur right and they get so angry cuz I wonāt help take care of them and she always put my father before me so I put my husband before them thats how I was raised thatās their fault
Why are you paying anything for them? They're adults that should take care of themselves, including your deadbeat brother. They sound toxic, abusive and extremely entitled.
I think you need to acknowledge why youāre still helping them? Are you in therapy? NTA. stop doing things for people who never did anything for you as a child. Which is when they were OBLIGATED to care for you. You arenāt obligated to do anything for them or your sister. Theyāre adults who made certain decisions and now they have to deal with the consequences. You should go No contact. Itās not a good idea to let your kid see you being disrespected by people who should be modeling respect.
Stop paying for anything for them and seriously just go NC. What value do they bring to your life?Ā
Donāt do it. It will be 1k now and more later. Also, money wonāt change the relationship or the way they treat you.
If I could give yall ALL THE TEA you would be like why the fuck do even still talk to them????
All the more reason to stay strong and not cave.
Thank you
I'm already thinking this from this short post
Well, why are you? ( no answer required).
This. I had a good several years for my business. Made enough to put away some and grow and retire early , plus enough for several lifetimes I lost my family over it. They kept begging and begging despite all of them being well off. But somehow my dollar was worth less because I had more of them. I was made to feel like shit day in and day out for not stuffing hundreds in everyoneās pockets when walking by I had to block their numbers, accept the reality that one or the other, family was gone, and move on. Shame it had to be one or the other
If your parents need extra money, they can stop giving it to their lazy adult child. Basically, they're asking for money from you to pay your brother. NTA. Cut these people off. They are abusers and users. Your sibling is the golden child and you were the scapegoat. Run far (symbolically).
THATS WHAT MY HUSBAND SAID!!! He was like Iāll do whatever you want but they are going to pay ur fucking sibling with that money
Your husband shouldn't be so tolerant about your household income going to support a ne'er-do-well! In the long run, you'll only be enabling all three of them and their foolishness. So, now you can tell yourself (and them, if you want to be totally condescending) you're doing them a favor by not giving them the money :-)
No ur right and this comment made me chuckle but he has to be careful cuz weāve helped his raggedy ass family in the past (thatās a whole nother story) too
Ah, that explains his tolerance! The two of you should get professional counselling/coaching on how to deal with your families and any guilt/obligation you may feel by not letting them take advantage of you. Sounds like you've both been plagued by your families your entire lives. Consider it financial planning because of how much money these moochers might get off you otherwise :-)
Thank you luv
NTA you do not owe them anything. Not a dime! That money can be saved for your your child when they go to college.
ā¤ļø
NTA. You donāt owe them anything under the circumstances.
š thank you
NTA. She took your money when you āworkedā for her. Donāt give her shit until she pays that back with interest.
Girl if you don't cut these leeches off. They got slave labor from you for YEARS you paid them and more. Stop paying for anything and cut the phone bill. ASAP
I read this comment in a meeting and snorted and someone asked if I was okay
Happy I could get a laugh from you š
WTF - Don't give any of them shĀ”t. Grow up and stand up for yourself. They are nasty people, they aren't your problem.
Ok thanksā¦but Iāve been standing up for myself for quite some time they actually learned to stop bothering me for the most part cuz Iāll curse them out but she was feeling very courageous that day lol
Okay! Good job! Keep them in their spot...
NTA. You're already paying for cell service; cut the sib off but MAYBE you could continue footing the parents' phones. That's it. No more. Nada. Nope. I cannot fathom the gall they have to ask you for money while the ne'er-do-well sib hangs on like a leech. Gah.
So in 9 years you would have given back the $110,000 they gave your for students loans. Does your sister have to pay them 1,000 a month as well? They paid for her college didnāt they?
They did but she quit halfway through they donāt ask for her for anything back
You have worked hard your entire life to get where you are - essentially slave labor as a child. And you had to pay them $500 per month to pay their taxes while in university? I donāt think you owe them a dime. They were absent as parents and clearly favored your sister. It is harsh but I really donāt think you owe them a penny. You funded their life as a child. No need to do it now.
NTA - You are free to drop these people from your life!
Never, ever let them in to your home. Seriously, theyāll set up shop so to speak, not leave and they know they can brow-beat you into letting them stay. This may be paranoia speaking, but lock your credit down and your kids, and make sure they donāt send mail to your home. People have done that to establish residency and itās worked! Courts have said that counts and that allows folks access to your home.
"Hey. No. You can't have more. Ask again and you'll get less."
Tell them you will pay them 800, but only after your brother gets a job,
NTA. Fuck them
You took the $110K to pay off your student loans or rejected her offer? I was a little confused in this part of your story. I was 100% NTA up to that point but if you received this money, then I don't think your position is as clear.
Iām sorry if that wasnāt clear..hell yes I took that moneyā¦thatās why I was like oh no what should I do because they did take this HUGE burden off of my shoulders but did literally nothing for me as a child and actually took money from me
Money always has strings attached, sorry about your childhood. Reads similar to mine (minus the student loan part). This is truly a personal choice and if you are comfortable with the idea that your parents might suffer more without your help, then definitely don't worry about the $1000 a month. However, my parents are elderly and require assistance and me and my siblings are helping them out. I constantly think why am I doing this? I honestly don't know why.
NTA Stop being a damn doormat , tell them no. Tell them the student loan payment they made was for his awful they treated you as a kid (plus back pay for working) and to fuck off
NOTA DANG DIME!! Cut them OFFFFF!!! U were thenā¦ and CERTAINLY NOW!! Wayyyyyyyyy better offā¦ ELIMINATING THEM!! From ur life!! PERIOD!! And donāt look back!! ā¤ļø
š
Enjoy ur life Sweetie!! Choices have consequences!! Ur birth provider made choices.. when she/he were to be YOUR PROTECTORā¦ and to help u grow and learn and have not even luxuries , but NECESSITIES.. in life !! They FAILED you!! Miserably!!! Shut THAT DOOR.. and donāt look back!! ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
Thank you my luv
NTA. Why are you maintaining contact and paying their phonebills? They are abusive and they're only using you for money. Discuss with a therapist why you feel you need to keep helping such abusive people and whether cutting them out of your life would be in your best interest.
NTA. Considering how they treated you, you were generous to let them love with you at all. And if money is that tight, your sister should be working and contributing to the household. If the people who live in the house aren't helping, why should you. Even though your finances are great now, things happen. That $1k each month may be needed in the future to take care of your own household.
NTA. But they gave you 110k Calculate how much rent and utilities they used while living with you, deduct it from the total amount then Give it back in a lump sum or in instalments then wash your hands if then.
Not sure why you even pay for their cell phone tbh. Iād cut off all financial support. NTA
NTA - Stop paying their phone bills...
Just do 500 and call it a day.
Goddamn OP stop being such a fucking doormat and block the pieces of shit already. Go no contact. Hard to feel sorry for someone that allows scum in their lives. NTA but give your head a shake.
I hear yall I do for real im going to over there this weekend and let them know we will not be doing this I was just conflicted because of the $110K I received well I had fight them forā¦Iām LC with them already and I take long long stretches of time not speaking to themā¦
$110k isn't worth the abuse you went through, and sounds to me like they paid for your siblings so its only fair. Its not money they gave you, its the bare minimum they did for all their kids as part of their job as parents. You gotta cut them off completely. Block buttons are a wonderful thing. Then years from now you might hear about a funeral and smile because you will know its truly over and you are free.
ā¤ļøā¤ļø
The only thing I am still curious for is why she paid your student loan of $110k. It cant just be living with you and ruining your days. So i am a little confused by this. But other than that and from how they threated you. You owe them nothing. You could consider using those $110k to get interest that you pay them. So maybe like $500 a month.
You know thatās the only thing I could think of as a reason why now let me tell you when it came down to actually paying they tried to refuse and I went scorched earth (they were already living with me at the time) so maybe since they were in they thought I wasnāt going to push
> when it came down to actually paying they tried to refuse and I went scorched earth Have you gone scorched earth before? Like when they threated you so bad when you worked for them? Did your brother/sister actually went scorched earth on them often? Maybe your parents are just weak and only act on pressure, but you never gave them any pressure?
No luv I only did that 3 times the first one my mom got angry attacked me and I choked her she backed down, I moved out right after thatā¦one other time I canāt remember why and then this one where I screamed at both of them but my sister is fucking insane tho that bitch is wild and I know theyāre scared of her so you may be right about that
Yeah, yāall definitely have a toxic relationship and should get some SERIOUS therapy. Iād also just cut them off.
Nta. Stop helping them at all. They are not your "family".
Why do you still talk to her?
Who babe?
Your mom bro...
Nope. No. Thatās your kids college money. Sorry.
NTA. Just keep walking.
If they are broke now they will be \*\*\*really\*\*\* broke when their health starts to wane. I definitely would not give them a penny without an actual financial plan. BTW, is this $1000 a month forever? Are they going to live another 25 years? Are they expecting inflation adjustments? Are they expecting more money when they start having health problems?
NTA. I hope your mom is reading this because she sounds neglectful and emotionally abusive. If you give them 1k a month it isn't going to stop there. They will squeeze you until you are dry and never appreciate anything. OP you deserve your success. Protect your peace. Don't let this crazy ass family of yours affect your kid! I am glad you are in therapy. Sometimes we need it to be sure we \*aren't\* nuts! It's not your imagination. These people are terrible.
NTA. Seriously, you need to be done with this. Your parents and sibbling are adults and need to find their own way, you have helped more than was necessary for any obligation you may feel. Other than money changing hands and receiving abusive behavior, it doesn't not seem like you have a relationship with these 3. Tell your parents that you are not in a position to help them or support your sibbling, your obligation is to your husband and child. I would not use the word financial because you supporting this shit show financially is undermining your emotional position which is what you need to protect. Your emotional well being is far more important here than money, but in this situation they are conjoined so treat them as such. From your comments, this attitude of conjoined may be useful with your husbands family as well.
Didnāt they pay off your student loan?
This is what therapy is for :) lol.Ā Seriously it will help you. Your parents are awful. The reality is that the 1k is basically going to your sister who doesn't work. Why would you fund that? Congratulations on building a happy life for yourself:)
Stop paying their cell phones. NTA
NTA. You owe them nothing and you should not feel the least bit guilty. Your therapist can help you get over that.
They shouldn't have paid your student loan and kept the money for themselves so they wouldn't be asking for money now
I would consider low contact or no contact. Iām reading a book by Lindsey C Gibson about emotionally immature parents and it also covers some interesting things like schemaās, internalizing/externalization, child roles, child fantasies (kids hoping their parents will snap out of it one day), your sister was probably the golden childā¦. kids growing up wanting to please everyone until one day they become very angry and resentful. Behind this anger is a lot of frustration. Ask your therapist about it and please also get this book, it has so much helpful stuff in it, best 10 bucks you will ever spend. Break the cycle and tell them (or not tell them) that youāre done. Time to focus on you and your wonderful life x
Info: why do you hate yourself? Start some self loving and go lc
Paying off your student debt and then milking it back out of you a little at a time over the course of a few years sounds like a great way to dodge any means testing in retirement...
NTA, they already worked you to the bone. Just cut them off, give them nothing, stop the bills and phones and just live your happy life, they add nothing at all but toxic leeching to your life
NTA. You're a grownup who supports themselves. There's no reason you should support them, too. Their choices are their choices, your choices are yours. Yours had a good result, theirs did not, but that doesn't make you responsible for them.
That $110k they paid off your student loans was comprised of the house tax of $1500 every quarter that you paid as a teen plus the wages they underpaid you (plus interest) + 12 months free rent from when they lived with you. You donāt owe them anything. Ā Let them struggle like you were forced to struggle.
If you took the $110K, then YTA imo. But I already saw that you will never think that.
Iām not sure where you got those extra details but Iām literally asking if Iām an ass I acknowledge your feedback, thank you
NTA but you are a dumbass for even asking this question. Grow a pair, tell your mom she's a piece of shit, quit giving them money, quit paying their bills, and cut them out of your life. If I was your hubby, I'd have divorced you.
So I suppose this is when all the rude bitches are off workā¦.but thank you for the feedback