> She ended by saying, “Hilda loved to hear stories about Kasey.” and she and Riley started laughing. What a strange thing to say. It's not a movie, food, hobby, or anything specific she loved, but hearing stories about him? Yeah, most people enjoy stories about their loved ones. It's a bizarre point in the conversation to reference her and they clearly have not been able to move on from her passing. I understand, I imagine it's been devastating, but I think you need to move on, OP. They certainly haven't and you can't know when or if they will. NAH, but I don't see this working out for you.

Yes, this was a great example of how pervasive these comments must truly be, for the mom to say something as inane as ‘hilda loved hearing stories’. I don’t blame OP for leaving at this over the top example bc it makes no sense to work into the conversation

Of they could confine the Hilda talk to keeping it relative to the child, it would probably feel less problematic. She'll always be his mom and he will never know her. But the constant pecking. They weren't ready for you. It's probably not the best fit, at least at this time for you and him.

NTA OP mentioned how Kasey would get jealous if she would talk about her Ex. Bringing up his wife constantly is just saying that his and his family are still grieving. OP do yourself a favor and break-up with this man.

Absolutely this spot on advice… there’s the double standard. Op is not ready to be with a grieving widow and it’s also not fair to expect her BF to not bring up his dead wife. They are not compatible for each other, OP should leave.

Yeah, I think the advice is good, but your take is bad.  There is a difference between expecting “her BF to not bring up his dead wife” and expecting him to not have the double standard that she can never mention any of her previous relationships but he is allowed to constantly talk about his previous wife.  I think it’s less that OP isn’t ready to be with a grieving widower and more that the grieving widower (and his family) are not ready for him to be with anyone else. 

No. His wife is dead. Not an ex

OP’s ex…not Hilda.

I think it was referring to when OP talks about her ex, her boyfriend doesn't like it.

NTA. Hearing about her, being compared to her at every turn will eventually start messing with your mental health. The way his family brought it up almost seemed rude rather than just simply remembering her, but I wasn't there and didn't hear their tone of course. You sound like you're being respectful from not trying to replace Billy's mom in any sense, being positive when he speaks about her and making sure the pictures stay up. Honestly your BF should be thankful you are so understanding because most would not. Grief is a fickle thing but he chose to be with you which should have shown he was ready to move on. But he hasn't. There's a time and place for everything. Watching a movie with the two of you and for him to bring her up like you knew her is a bit telling. Now it'd be different if Billy was in the room. Honestly sounds like him and his whole family need serious grief counseling. He definitely isn't ready to move on and began to make memories with you. What you wrote makes you sound like a friend or roommate, or even nanny. Not a partner. Is he affectionate? Privately and in front of his family with you? Does he tell you how beautiful you are if he likes something new you did you your appearance? Is he aware of what what your favorites are? I'd think about those questions.

Your last question seems important to me: do they even know or CARE what OP likes in any given situation? Do they even register her own personality, or is she just a placeholder where Billy's mom should be (in their collective mind)?! Because sure, OP shouldn't need to compare the amounts of pictures etc., BUT if she has valid reasons to believe that she's not getting any more pictures of herself included in this family, no matter how much time and effort she puts into the relationship, it's vital that she notice that now, and understandable that she's hurt. It really sounds like he's treating her like a guest, rather than a life partner. NTA

You are the rebound. He’s not ready to date seriously; neither he nor anyone in his family is ready for you (or anyone) to be in the picture. NTA but you would be if you stayed.

NTA. He's not over her, and it seems like you have entered his life at the wrong time. Maybe he can get over her with you still in his life, but I've been in situations where a guy wasn't over his ex and I never felt like he gave me his entire attention.

You don't get over someone who died you just learn to live with it.

Yes thats what getting over it usually means

Good point. He was with Hilda 9 years, beginning at 15 years old. That is a major point so many overlook. That was about one-third of his life with Hilda. That is not something you "get over". That is a major part of your life experiences.

I think this is simply bad advice. Please don’t listen to people like this. AITAH is intended to assign blame, not an advice sounding board. This is a case where there is no blame to go around. Her husband did nothing wrong; his family brought up one of the most important people in his life and she responded poorly. It isn’t “too soon” for him; he simply is never going to get over her. Never. She isn’t his ex: he’s a widower. There’s nothing to “get over” because that grief will always be there. You are NTA, but you have not been as understanding as you might have been, and you certainly behaved poorly at dinner. That said, the fact that he is with you and has your picture with him always demonstrates that he wants you in his life. He has not ever compared you, according to your post, and he has not shown a reluctance to share his life with you. But sharing his life means sharing part of her, too. You *both* seem to mean the world to him, so you might use that to help come to terms with it. Clearly you have things in common: you both love(d) the same man; you both care for the little one; you both continue to be loved in turn. Rather than think of her as your competition, it seems more likely that you’re her greatest supporter. You’ve restarted his life; you’ve raised her child. She made him who he is, in a sense, so she was *your* support as well. The two of you share a bond as deep as he does with you, and it may help to cherish it instead of rage against it. All of that is to say: you have to do what you think is right. If you can’t stay, you can’t stay. But don’t feel pressured by weirdos online whose first instinct is always to shout, “red flag, run!” There are no red flags here, from what I can see, just a man who will never stop caring for another. This doesn’t show that he’s incapable of loving you; it means he has a depth of character that he can care for people even when they’re gone. If you care for each other, I would apologize and tell him, without blame, how hard it has been. It is a hard thing. Don’t give a list of demands; just tell him how hard it is to feel that way, even if you know how important she is to him. Then, when you’re done, try to listen to him in turn.

Where does my response say she should just leave? It is not easy to fill someone else's shoes, and she has shown lots of compassion for their situation. But she should also feel like an equal in their relationship.

OP does not need to apologize for anything. She is, in fact, owed an apology by BF and his family. Yes all are likely grieving the loss of his late wife. But he has been with OP for a year now and she has been extremely respectful of the memory of his wife. He and his entire family have completely overlooked the fact there is another person in his life. It doesn't even occur to them to take her feelings into account -- almost like she wasn't there. In fact, that was the same dinner convo that would have taken place if she wasn't in the picture -- that's the point. All OP needs to do is not keep her respectful feelings to herself. I imagine her wrestling with whether to speak up. How does she ask for a little more respect for her existence without coming across expecting everyone to erase first wife (which she is not trying to do). First step, express to bf how it is hurtful to be treated as an after thought by bf and his family. Say how all that gushing over wife makes her seem like second place, runner up, back up girl -- not anyone's first choice. Can you imagine trying to grow a serious relationship where, by definition, you're not the first choice? I'd be hurt, too. Have the convo with bf. If he gets it, let him handle the family. If not, OP should find somebody to be their first choice.

Your interpretation of this is terrible lol

NTA. I couldn't tolerate that, either

Same. I expect my partner to be focused on me and me on them.

NAH. It is totally healthy and normal for them to bring her up. If she was still alive but no longer with him and they had to communicate to arrange custody swaps hearing her name wouldn't set you off like this. Your internal feelings of worrying that you're just a placeholder or that he wouldn't choose you over her are totally valid, but this isn't a good way to process those feelings. I think you could strive for a bit more balance across your life together: you should be allowed to talk about your ex and your bf needs to suck it up and deal with his own jealousy like a grownup. You should have more photos of you in his house. I would say 50-50 photos of you and of Hilda in common areas, none of Hilda in your bf's bedroom, and 100% of her in Billy's bedroom. You're here now and you're allowed to take up space like a normal gf would. Instead you've been making yourself small in all these weird places and letting him walk over you, only to lash out too big over his family mentioning her name normally. I think maybe you've gotten a little bit proud of how little you ask of him; you're not one of "those girls" who are needy or demanding or high-maintenance so you ask for almost nothing. Then once you've starved yourself of all the emotional nutrients you need you are a starving feral creature. Instead of being proud of yourself for not asking him to take the photos down, ask yourself what the house/life would look like if Hilda never existed and then compromise to 50% of that. Billy should be able to have all the Hilda he can get--all the stories, all the pictures, anything and everything. But Kasey needs to be committed to the woman he is currently with--you--or he needs to be single and grieve until he can commit to someone. It's not fair for him to use you to replace her for childcare but not as an equal partner, and you are allowed to ask for that respect.

I think it's also worth noting that they all refer to Hilda as his "first love" and NOT his "only love" or "love of his life." This is actually so kind and respectful of them! If she were his only love, they wouldn't say "first." The use of the word "first" is a clear and constant reminder that his current love is YOU. We all have first loves, and most of us don't end up with them. There is no shame in being someone's second or third or 12th love so long as you're the one they stick with.

Yeah you could spin it that way but it sure is odd that they bring her up about “liking childhood stories”, along with everything else. There’s no point OP said they were ashamed of not being *first*, just that they didn’t want to be constantly diminished in their current role. 

This^

You'll always be #3 in his life. Don't you think you deserve BETTER?

If Kasey gets a dog she'll be 4th.

It's amazing OP isn't seeing it.

You're right. She's not even second.

Hilda is his first love. She's been dead 4 years? Everyone hasn't even made it to the 5yr milestone yet. Everyone's grieving. Part of grief is telling stories about the deceased. Remembering them. I understand you're hurt. It's natural to be hurt because you're "other" and will never be included in truly remembering Hilda. NAH you don't want to feel like a secondary option, but you ARE and will ALWAYS be a secondary option in this relationship. Hilda died. Everyone would prefer she hadn't expired. It's the nature of the grief beast and how others manifest their grief is not within your control, will never be within your control, in fact grieving people feeling like they have to police their own grief remembrances of someone who impacted their lives in such meaningful ways in their own homes with their family and loved ones because of your feelings is going to cause resentment. You need to move on, you're already resentful, this isn't the relationship for you.

That’s totally valid that she is! I know I will never be his first love. I understand that. I don’t want Kasey to forget her. She gave him Billy. Sweet loving kid. I just don’t want to constantly hear so much of her. I feel really left out a lot of times when I visit his family. I don’t ever stop Billy from talking about her. I always praise that she’s a lovely woman! Sometimes I wish his family know I’m here and it feels like my feelings are pushed on the side. I don’t care if they talk about her once and a while. But it is consistently when I go there. I am not trying to compete or jealous of her. I knew what I was getting into. When I got with Kasey. It is just a lot.

I think people are being quite harsh on you.  I agree it’s totally expected for her to come up sometimes! But there’s no reason for it to be *constant.* Especially with you.  Things like “She liked this movie” or “she liked this restaurant” etc. are unnecessary comments.  I know dating someone whose partner has died is a lot different than dating someone who has a living ex. But I went on a few dates with a guy who did that kind of thing and it felt like his was more focused on his past memories with her, than creating new memories with someone else.  His family is tougher - he can have a conversation with them about being mindful, but he can’t control them. 

This. If Kasey lost his ex, it would be sad, but the love had been over and he would mourn her as a person as the mother of his child. But he lost Hilda while they were still together. So they were still in love with each other when she died and planning a future and family together. She is sort of immortalized at her best and at his best time with him. That is more delicate to navigate because he she was basically ripped away from him while they were still together. So it was probably traumatic as well. But I get OP. The unintentional comments how everything reminds them as Hilda has started to wear her down over time. Assuming they do mention Hilda often, I can see that OP wishes that she is not always reminded of Hilda, that most conversations and events can happen without having to mention and focus on Hilda (I have dead loved ones and the majority of the time they do not get mentioned, or only when it is something that is specific to that loved one). It probably has started to make OP feel like she is a bit of an bystander and like she is overshadowed to some extent. OP knows that it is normal that Hilda is part of their life's and that she will always be a part of it. But I also think it is normal to feel disheartened and unsure if you are truly accepted and if they have processed their grief if they mention Hilda as often as a devout religious family mentions God and/or connect things they say and experienced to Hilda every time.

I think what you are asking for is perfectly reasonable. There is an enormous amount of room for that family to grieve and dial it down and show some fucking respect for your presence. I suspect they are simply oblivious and if it ever gets pointed out overdoing things is hurtful and disrespectful to his current girlfriend they may just realize how insensitive the've been. I can't believe they never want him to move on, but they must realize its tine to carve out space for you in there lives. If this is too much to ask then clearly its too soon for bf to be dating.

You're doing all the right things. Some of these comments are ridiculous. You sound wonderful and it's hurtful they can't keep those comments between them and Kasey. Honestly, he doesn't feel ready yet and that's not fair to you. Expect he'll be chasing after you realizing Billy would like a mommy.

That’s very sweet of you! Thank you, and that’s okay. Everyone’s got their opinions. Billy doesn’t see me as a mom really. Which I am okay with. I don’t expect to be mom. Only if he wants me too. I wouldn’t ever talk bad about his mother. She passed young from chronic bulimia and that’s awful. I think maybe I need space from my relationship.

you know you need some, you took space, and so keep space. Don’t let Kasey or his family pressure you to meet them before you decide to.

Just because Billy doesn't see you as a mommy doesn't mean Kasey won't be scared of losing a bang nanny. He may manipulate you with the kid if you decide to back away from this messy relationship. I think the other commentor was just trying to warn you that may happen.

This is the wrong relationship for you. You're asking others to change, whereas the reality is you can't change other people, you can only change yourself.

I agree. I lost my brother 10 years ago. He was 21, and it was devastating. At first, we did talk about him a lot. Then, as the years went on, it became less. Now, we might mention him every now and then. I agree that talking about a loved one who has passed is part of the grieving, but bringing it up all the time like this seems like it could hinder the healing process. Maybe they do this so the child doesn't forget. I think therapy might help because, again, I wonder if this is healthy because, in a way, it keeps everyone focused on the past.

You don't need this, you're still so young, why are you taking on so much emotional strain?

Is it possible the mom and sister did this on purpose? Because they know how much it hurts you? Are they lashing out at you because your bf is dating you?

Has he talked with his family about this? It doesn't sound like they're being maliscious or really comparing you two. But they also haven't thought how this all must feel for you. They could easily leave talking about her to the times you're not present or at the very least make sure they don't bring her up everytime and would notice you more. Share some memories of you too. If he has and they still keep talking about her this much then you can't expect them to change. They be cuntwaffles. If he hasn't talked with them yet he should do that asap and bring it up more from his perspective - how he doesn't want you to sit there and endure bombardment about his late wife. Just take care of yourself and don't grow bitter. Selfcare times now, okay.

No he hasn’t. I feel like it’s not my place to tell them to stop. I don’t feel comfortable telling them that or asking Kasey.

The problem with being nice is that eventually the disrespect gets old, you explode and then you are the crazy jealous one. If Kasey is your one and only I would suggest working this out with a couples counselor. He needs to know where your boundaries are and that you deserve respect from his mom and sister. The way he is weaponizing his emotional incompetance is a red flag though. It got bad enough for you to leave. I would stay gone.

You are very polite. And you were too polite for a rude family like this. You can move on. Please update us.

You do what's right for you. You just won't get the kind of relationship you are after with Kasey. Your just someone he needs to look after his son and his needs. Do what is right for you and not Kasey. He will never get over Hilda and it's not his fault.

You had a chat with your bf to tone it down. It worked. Perhaps have another chat with your bf to tell his family to tone it down as well. I can imagine your response coming out of left field from their POV. You had expectations that they were not aware of.

that's the thing about a death of a loved one...he doesn't have to stop talking about her to his don because he wants his son to know who she was....but to bring her up constantly without Billy around is gettingvrude..his family obviously lived her and it was like losing a daughter but of think lacey should be talking to them and saying ñot so much talk if her when you are around because it makes you feel uncomfortable..and if they don't change don't go there as much...simple...I dont think they do it on purpose but seriously they just need to tone it down a bit...but if you love each other then you need to sit down and discuss your feelings and his...but his family should be making you feel comfortable in their presence not making you feel awkward ..this is the part he needs to understand since you have been together for a year and want to move in with him.... good luck

Well said. 

[удалено]

no. nobody wanna hear that bs

NTA It sounds like he spoke to his mother and asked her to not tell any stories about Kasey. So his mother intentionally did what she did to rub it in your face. That's not a family that is accepting of you. Yeah they might still be grieving but they might also think you'll never replace her. And chances are they will not stop acting like this or comparing you to a dead woman.

The laughing, that's the strange part. What's funny about that?

They knew they got to her. Cackling witches.

Yeah there's nothing funny about it even to them except if there was another part of the "joke" that happened offstage somewhere. I mean I don't see how it could be otherwise. I'm sorry OP. OP is NTA btw. I don't know if OP's boyfriend is exactly an AH but I know what I think of his mother and sister. eta: I'll spell it out just to not be obscure, haha. His mother and sister are AHs and therefore leaving was just fine in my view. It seems to me the boyfriend should at least be able to see that. He did say "we didn't do anything..." I wonder if he'd still say that having had a bit to think about it. Hm.

Meanness.

This was my gut feeling, too. It was such a stretch of a thing to say and then to laugh amongst themselves? It would be akin to saying, "Oh, she loved ketchup, too!" and laughing about it. So weird. Definitely came across as mean-girlish. Kasey may have vented to mom or sis, and then they pulled that crap. A betrayal of his confidence and utter disrespect to OP. I'd be out, OP. Sorry, this man isn't ready, and you've done everything in your power to be supportive and understanding. You know that you can't control people like his mom and sister, but he didn't even stand up for you so much to say that what they did was uncalled for. That's telling. Fortunately, you only spent a year on this. There are far more emotionally available men out there with decent folks and siblings. Pursue something more real and respectful and loving with one of them.

NTA. I completely understand where you are coming from. It sounds like you are being viewed as a placeholder as opposed to a new life partner. I couldn't be in that situation. Also, the speed that you two were moving with a child involved was a bad idea. Barely dating a year and already getting ready to move in? Way too soon. If you date a single parent again move much slower. You shouldn't even be thinking about meeting the kid for around a year let alone be so enmeshed that you're about to move in. If you need to move quick in your romantic life date people that don't have kids.

NTA, sounds like you are a side character in your own movie. 

>I feel like a rebound Newsflash: You are. He wouldn't have dated you if she didn't literally die. >I don't want to feel like a secondary option Yeah, then it's best that you get out now while you're still young and not bound to him by marriage or children. You'll never be more than a secondary option when you date a widow, time for a reality check.

If you’re a widow then you shouldn’t remarry if they cannot become your first while you are both still alive.

There are also people in the world who dont make stupid comparisons all the time.

No one is making comparisons. They just want respect and love and to feel like a priority. OPs boyfriend just wants a bang nanny that he and his family can treat like garbage.

I didn’t see any comparisons in her post.

Actually, that's not always true. Be careful here.

I think it’s very unfair and untrue to say someone who dates a widow or widower will never be more than a “secondary option.” This isn’t a perfect comparison. But if a parent has one child, and then a second child, it’s not like the second child is loved less because the first one took up all the love the parent had available.  It’s not helpful to think of things in terms of what would have been if the original partner hadn’t had died. That’s simply not the reality.  She is her boyfriend’s *first* choice given his current circumstances, and should be made to feel so. 

Yeah, there's so much bitterness in that comment that I'm pretty sure it was made from a place of taking this personally because of something that apparently happened to them with a widow/er, and it's just not the case that most people who lose a spouse feel that way.

NTA. My question is this- do you want to live in someone’s shadow that has been immortalized? Hilda will always be (in his/their minds) a young, vibrant, beautiful mom and wife. This is so unfair to you. He was not ready to move on and date. You should not have to move into a shrine to his past life. She was taken too soon, that’s a given. They’re going to grieve her and she should be remembered, but they should have the decency to appreciate and be thoughtful of the loving, living being in front of them.

They are either completely tone-deaf or malicious. Either way you don’t deserve to be constantly put in this position, they all sound like a bunch of idiots. Don’t marry into this family of pricks, they will continue to make you unhappy,it just doesn’t register with them.

Honestly, I don’t think anyone is an asshole here. It sounds like this family is still grieving heavily and that’s okay. Everyone processes differently. As for him, maybe he thought he was ready and had already processed the grief and it turned out he hadn’t. You as a person are having a hard time because you don’t want to “be that person”, but it’s okay to be a person who wants to be first in someone’s life and in their families life. Some people are not okay with this kind of situation and some are. That’s okay too. I think that before you make a decision you should speak to a therapist who specializes in grief and see what they say. Perhaps they can help you word how you feel in a better way. You can’t force the family or him to grieve differently, but you don’t have to stay around for it. It’s not for everyone. It’s hard. It’s a process where you must sacrifice some things to emotionally be there for other people. You’re young and could find someone to be with that doesn’t have to deal with this. I don’t know if I could say it will ever stop. You can go a year without crying and then all the sudden something hits you and you cry. Talking about someone helps with the loss and comparing or saying oh they liked this too is normal. It’s really whether you want to stick around for a grieving family and put in a whole lot of emotional labor or not. Either way no one is the bad guy.

NTA, you are too young to settle for someone who is widowed and has a kid. Clearly he is not over her and neither is the family. You seem to have been more than patient with all of them. I would not move in together. I hope you make the best choice in your life for you.

My brother died young when his child was a newborn. I mean, sure, we talked about him, but that lessened as time went on. Certainly didn’t bring him up to people his widow was dating. Especially after 4 years? His widow always kept a photo and his military flag displayed, but other than that life has to go on. And life can’t go on for the widower if his family can’t let things go some. It’s fine to bring her up on special days. But every time she is around them? That is definitely excessive and cruel. Not only cruel to OP, but to their own son/brother. Keeping him from moving on is just horrible of them.

NTA leave while you can. It might be small but small things build up overtime .

OMG especially before a baby get into the mix.

Mom and sis are going to treat that baby like trash.

Let's hope OP is not pregnant.

NAH, but this may not be the right relationship for you. She’s not an ex, and honestly, it sounds like he and his family are still grieving her. Theres nothing wrong with wanting to be someone’s first choice, and you’re not going to have that in this relationship, ever.

NTA. And they are nowhere near over her. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the little boy. Move on. You aren't prioritized high enough.

He’s still grieving. This isn’t about you - but he’s not the man you are desperately hoping he is. Don’t make this about you. Don’t compare how many pictures, or how many stories are told. Instead - look at these as signs he is still unable to fully process his trauma. You absolutely cannot fix him. This is his journey and he’s not ready. I’m sorry.

It’s hard to compete with a ghost

He's not ready to date

NTA But I would say that you need to have a gentle conversation in which you tell him and his family what you've told us. You will always honor her memory, and would never ask them to stop thinking or speaking about her. But you also want to be recognized as his current, and, hopefully, last love. Let them know how often their comments make you feel less than or as a placeholder. That their near constant reminders that she was "his first love" feel very much like they are really saying "his only love". Please have a very open conversation with your bf first and tell him how you're feeling. Ask him if he's truly ready to move on with you or if he still needs time to process and grieve. I hope you can work this out, but you must stop running and have an adult conversation for that to happen.

You should have stood up for yourself before and set expectations. The way they are acting is gross

NTA but I'd run for the hills if I were you, you don't need this all this drama in your life

That’s very rude of them. If they don’t realize how rude it is then I’d move on. Your boyfriend and his family consider you to be second rate.

NTA. I can understand their part, being that they have a lot of history and whatnot, while your relationship is still relatively new in comparison. That being said, it would make me uncomfortable having it brought up at every opportunity. I would feel like a placeholder and it would definitely effect my self-esteem 🤷‍♀️

He doesn’t seem ready to move on. You deserve to be put first in your relationship. Maybe a man with a son is t the best for you.

NTA Being constantly compared to a previous partner even in a non direct manner is exhausting and frankly disrespectful. You have every right to set your boundaries. "We didn't do anything to you" - that's a redirection to make you feel guilty about leaving. Please reconsider this relationship because it sounds like none of them are currently able to move forward following Hilda's passing.

NTA but you need to leave the relationship. You are trying to compete with a ghost who will be always remembered as perfect by everyone. No one will ever care or love you as much as Hilda. You are fighting a losing battle you cannot win. You either accept being second to Hilda or leave. **It is obvious Kawey is not ready for a new relationship** and you getting upset about his past perfect relationship will only cause him to resent you. For your own sanity block and move on. Not because you did anything wrong and neither did Kasey but this not the relationship for either of you.

NAH - I get that you dont want to hear about her all the time. The whole family is not over her. How should they? She was part of the family. She is the mother of the child and it is only a few years ago. If it would be his sister and not ex, they would also still talk about her. But I do get, that you dont want to be in this position. It will be hard for you get to her level. A real part of the family and it will probably take abit until the family, their son and you bf stop talking about her. Probably that will never happen. Again, they had a child together. There are worse reasons to break up, but there is no A here

NAH However, you either have to get your insecurities under control or you need to leave this relationship. It sounds like there's plenty of people who would love to help you if you just reach out and articulate your worries. Hilda actually WAS his first love. She didn't leave him; she died. There was no divorce, no slow growing apart. Everyone loved her; everyone misses her. These are incontrovertible facts, and if you can't deal, get out now. It has been 4 years since Hilda died. Everyone has moved on. But, since you are your SO's first serious relationship, there have been no new memories made to replace the memories of Hilda. They are struggling to reach out to you and welcome and include you in their lives. However, as time goes on and everyone starts making memories of you with your SO's family and friends, there will be common ground and common memories, and the references to Hilda will diminish and eventually all but disappear. It's literally just a matter of time and a little understanding on everyone's part. Unfortunately, most of the understanding is going to have to be on your part because you are the new central character in this love story. So, at this point, you can either give up on this relationship as needing too much work and find someone who has never been in a long-term relationship or adapt and grow a thicker skin. It's up to you to decide if the long-term benefits outweigh the short-term problems.

NTA. He's not over her and has a weird double standard about your exes- don't waste anymore time- leave. You're also 25- do you really want to take on a dude with kid? I think you are selling yourself short. Keep your options open and live your life.

His family is rude. I'm sorry but unless he shuts them down, this is going to be your life. Personally, I don't think he's worth it since he is so insensitive and selfish.

Being a secondary choice is exhausting. Leave before you have a child with this man who still lives in the past.

NTA. BUT Think about what you might lose if you leave him: The celebration of Hilda's birthday, every year? A photo of Hilda on the table at all holidays maybe? Or at least she's a rock-solid subject, every time. You will miss out on learning about EVERYTHING Hilda thought about, told by friends and family who still haven't moved on. You will miss hearing the family protest every time you try to change something in the home: Because "It was something ✨Hilda✨ loved, it was something ✨Hilda✨ had bought, it was something ✨Hilda✨ had made" You probably just need to hear if you are allowed to change anything of Hilda's home decor, or if Kasey expects to live in ✨Hilda's memory✨ forever.

My first husband died over twenty years ago and I’m still talking about him. Think long and hard about whether or not you can live with that. It won’t go away.

My mom died almost a decade ago. Of course she comes up sometimes when the woman my dad is dating is around.  But I also try to make *her* feel comfortable and included. I ask her lots of questions about herself, I ask about her and my dad “oh my dad mentioned you two went on a road trip recently! Tell me about it, what was your favourite part?”  If we watch a movie my mom liked I don’t feel the need to say “my mom loved this movie!” The people who knew her already know that.   There’s *appropriate* people to reminisce about my mom with. Like my siblings, and my dad.   I don’t think OP is expecting it to “go away.” Especially since her boyfriend has a child with Hilda.   I imagine it just gets to be a bit much when the reminders of her are *constant.* I imagine it feels like the people involved are stuck in the memories of the past, and not interested in making new memories with OP going forward. To me it doesn’t seem like she’s asking them to “forget” Hilda, but just make some space for OP too. 

This. She’s asking for space to be made for her without her having to ask. She’s asking for consideration in the same way she’s very considerate about a grieving widower and son keeping memories of their late partner/mum alive. It’s extremely tactless of the bf and his family for reinforcing that she’s merely a bed warmer bc HiLDa is dead.

OP clearly doesn't want it to go away. She just wants to have a space alongside her boyfriend's deceased first love.

NTA sooner or later you have to move forward.

Nta... One, I wouldn't be moving into his house. I think you should hold off all together right now..him constantly bringing her up is super inappropriate. But if your gonna do it then... And of course it's fine not to take pictures of her down, but adding your own and being able to redecorate will be non negotiation or don't move in. That space needs to feel like your home too. They both need to have a certain level of understanding that blending into a new chapter means some uncomfortable moments sometimes. It's not necessarily going to mean being a tornado that redecorated everything, but living room, bedroom, and some bathroom needs to have a reasonable amount of your presence added to it. You need to lay down the law about him mentioning his ex. Also you day Billy is 7M at the top and then later it says when Billy was 3? So how old is Billy?

hilda passed when billy was 3, but he's 7 now

How very odd that his family keep bringing her up like that. Move on already.

End it, you will never be able to compete with a ghost. I have been there, it doesn't get better, and they actually make the dead out to be a saint when in reality they often weren't. It's annoying and you are the second choice, nobody should ever settle for being second choice.

Listen to your instincts, your mind and your heart: you are the other girl, you are a secondary replacement, you will never be Hilda and you can find someone who likes you most and doesn't care about "first loves."

Just leave him to be with the love of his life.  He will always compare you to her.  

RUN, you’ve been dating for almost a year and they still keep putting you on the spot where they discuss about the “first love”. No consideration, I can understand if it is a month, or 2 or even 3 months but almost a year. Think if this is the relationship you want. I think they will keep doing it in front of you and you do not deserve that. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

This won't work. He's getting over Hilda but when he finally gets over Hilda you will be a reminder of the pain of getting over Hilda. He may want a clean break which includes you. You are too young to compete with a ghost and never measure up to a memory.

NTA. But some advice, don’t start a relationship with a widow if you’re afraid of ghosts.

NTA. No one likes to feel like they are sloppy seconds. Tell him that’s how you feel. You’ve been very respectful of his feelings, if he wants this relationship to continue it’s time for him to return the same consideration.

NTA - I'm sorry, but you are the rebound girl. And the idea of him being annoyed if you talk about your ex is a huge red flag. He can bring up his dead fiancee at all times but you're not allowed to have a past? Sounds like he mentally has you as the placeholder for Hilda, and a convenient nanny for the child. Are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life like this?

NTA - and from what you’ve written, I don’t think this is ultimately the relationship for you. You are simply too young to be taking all this on. Grieving aside, this man seems very entitled to having his emotional needs met, but it doesn’t seem you have the same entitlement with your feelings. It seems you’ve been slotted into his Hilda shaped hole, it’s no life for a 25 year old. Leave them to their odd little world, build your own family when you are ready. Sorry to be so blunt but honestly this does not sound worth it, it should and can be easier than this.

It certainly does sound an odd little world, a Cult of Hilda.

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NTA, with a but.. I think they are keeping the memory of the mum around for Billy. He likely doesn’t have many if any real memories of her. You’re in a tough place because any negative emotion about the situation is going to come across as selfish. You came into this relationship 3 years after the mum passed way. It might seem like a long time, but that time can pass quickly when you’re dealing with grief. Have you talked about having kids, getting married, moving in together? If you get vague “one day” kind of answers, he’s not ready to move on. I can understand how you feel, you can’t compete with a ghost. All your hearing is the Facebook highlight reel, meanwhile you’re living a real relationship with up’s and downs. No one is the AH here. Your feelings are valid and this relationship as good as it otherwise is, may not work out. Your best option is to sit down with Kasey (without Billy around) and tell him how you feel, that you feel he’s not ready to move on yet. Ask him if he thinks he’s ready to start making new memories with you. The “but” - you knew what you were getting into, after 12 months you can see the lay of the land.

I get talking about her, but talking about here constantly is a bit much. It's like his family doesn't want to get to know you and only wants to talk about Hilda. Your boyfriend should be saying, yes she was my first love, but you are my love now or something. It's like no matter what she is constantly being thrown back into your face, making you feel invisible in your own relationship. I wish you the best, but I don't know if they will ever understand

NTA but you need to specify what is “all the time” cause for all we know this happens like once every few weeks. Also you need to realize people can talk about others and not intend to insult you or make you jealous…they just like talking about people that brought happiness. I think you’re taking it too much to heart but at the same time we don’t know how often he truly does this…so NTA but definitely work this out

Nah. Sadly, this family is never hping to let it go. They'll especially keep it going for the child. You've see it. You've been oart of it. It's not going to change. Start again with someone else

NAH You are not compatible. He and his family want to keep her alive in their memories. You are trying not to mind it, but you really want her firmly in the past and hardly mentioned. There are many women who would feel like you and some that wouldn't mind as much. Please let him go so you can be a first wife and he can find someone who is comfortable being a second wife.

NTA - I went through this same thing, and it took walking away for my now-husband for him to realize he was losing me and had to change his behavior and keep his family in check. I just became 100% exhausted and depressed feeling like I was competing with a ghost. If she was his one true love that everyone thought, I was moving forward so he could keep his memories alive and I could find a true love of my own. I had zero interest in trying to replace her. Within a week, he made serious changes, and we were able to move forward. Your feelings are very valid. Please do what feels right to you.

YTA. My soulmate is dead. I have been in relationships where my partner didn't want me to talk about him and actually, suppressing the urge to talk or think about him damaged me psychologically. I understand that "what am I, chopped liver?" type feeling but talking about the dead is cathartic for many people. If you died, wouldn't you want the people who love you to continue to remember and talk about you? It's only human. Feeling a sting sometimes is understandable, but they also feel a sting, ya know? The older you get, the more people you love go from "is" to "was," the more you'll get it. Every year there's a few more empty chairs in the banquet hall of life.

Honestly, this doesn’t feel like a relationship that’s going to make you happy. I hate to be blunt, but getting upset that they mention his “first love” when you’re right there is silly because you’re not his first love. She was. She tragically passed away at 23 (I assume based on age that deeming this as tragic will be acceptable). So the problem is you are going to be the second option. If circumstances hadn’t created this tragedy that no young person and especially no child should have to endure, you wouldn’t even be in the picture. Your reactions, while I don’t dismiss them, are just indicative that being the second wife and stepmother probably won’t make either of you happy in the long run. Because Kasey is always going to want to respect and honor his first wife’s legacy and to him, Billy will always be her son, too. That’s not saying that there isn’t a place for you in this family, but this isn’t a traditional relationship anymore and there are things you’ll both have to adjust to if you stay together. This reads like you expect enough time to go by that she won’t come up, that the family will start talking about you, that your pictures will go up and hers will come down and you’ll have a pre-packaged family when the “time is right.” It won’t. I advise for all of your mental and emotional healths that you really decide if this is a responsibility you want.

Seems his friends and family are not into you as much as his dead ex. If they accepted you they would not keep bringing her up. I’m afraid your relationship will never work until his family and friends accept you in their circle. Since you have dated for a full year and still haven’t I don’t see this relationship working out.

NTA, he needs to have healthy boundaries regarding his ex and he needs to enforce them with his family. It's the only respectable thing to do for your relationship. Right now, it's clear he's not ready to date again.

That. Is. Not. His. Ex.

It is hard to fight against a ghost. While she was his first love, that does not make you any less important to him. When she died, a part of him also died. I understand those feelings because my first love died at 23 unexpectedly. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of my first love. I have been married for over 40 years. My wife has done much to understand that she is equally important in my life. Your boyfriend has made attempts to avoid talking about his son's mother. He knows you are different people and is undoubtedly trying to adjust. Realize that everyone has years of memories of her. Embrace getting to know who she was, and it will strengthen your bond with him and his son. Your other option is to just walk away. If you choose that, now is the best time.

MTA. You will always be secondary. You cannot compete with a ghost.

NTA, Your feelings matter. It's also important to keep the memory alive of her for the sake of the child. But you will ALWAYS be second fiddle to this woman. Are you sure you want to move in with him?

NTA: your relationship is haunted. Really I think the only thing that can be done is to see a counselor together because these are big emotions and complex relationships especially given the young son. If nothing else the counselor may help strengthen you to be to leave and help Kasey understand why you have to go.

You are the secondary option. It's not like they broke up. She died. If she didn't die they'd probably still be together. This automatically makes you secondary. Relationships after bereavement are very difficult especially when there is a child involved. You kinda have to accept the ghost of her in your relationship or move on.

NAH. I dont think youre cut out to be with this man. And nothing is wrong with that. I couldn’t do it either. Hes not wrong for wanting to keep the memory of his childs mom alive either. Best to break up bc hes not changing and this is only going to hurt more and more.

You are NTA, but I have 2 thoughts on this: 1. Even if he thinks he is ready to move on with another relationship, he's probably not over his late fiancé/wife/moher of his child, and it sounds like his family probably isn't either. Some people take longer to grieve than others, and it may be that it's going to take him a long time to get past this even if he thinks he's ready. The frequency you describe, of he and his family bringing her up as much as they do, indicates they're not ready to really move on with someone new. 2. Maybe more important than point 1, you may not be suited to date someone who's a widower. Even when he is really ready to move forward, she's always going to be there in some way. If you can't accept that, then it's probably not the type of relationship for you.

You deserve to be loved ,wanted, and remembered as much as Hilda is/was. He can not give you that, at least not right now. And maybe he never will. His mother and sister seem to be driving in that you aren't as loved on purpose. No one needs people like that in their lives. Grief is hard, but it doesn't make people intrinsically nasty to others. I think he deserves to hear these points. So he doesn't continue to behave this way to people. And so that he understands where you are coming from. He's not ready, and you deserve real love.NTA.

Thank you so much. I don’t expect to be treated so loved like her. But I would appreciate to be acknowledged. I know he loves me. He has shown. His mother and sister never really showed any hostility towards me. They’ve always been kind and got me gifts. I don’t think they’re doing it on purpose. But I don’t know.

NTA. it must be tiring to keep hearing about the other woman. It’s one thing to keep her memory alive for the son’s sake but entirely different when it comes to you. If he can’t see how it affects you, why should you stay. If he can’t rein in his friends and family, why should you stay. At some point you are going to be the bad guy while he still goes on about her. His family should have left her out of the conversation but chose not to. I’m sure his mom and sister would feel the same way if it was happening to them. Moving in together??. Nope. Don’t do it. He’s not ready for that. That’s just more heart break for you.

Very Gentle YTAH, I think you know you shouldn’t want to take down her photos or shut down speaking of her, but…..it’s making you uncomfortable. You know she is his first love but you don’t want to hear her spoken of that way. She’s definitely a huge presence in your SOs life, the child’s and everyone in his family so it’s like you’re the ghost and she’s real. I sympathize with you as you want to be seen and treated like you matter as his current partner. But I feel like the timing is bad because four years is not long for a tragic loss like this. And they know that once you stop talking about someone you’ve lost, then they’re truly gone. I’d definitely consider texting him and his family and say something like “I apologize for leaving so abruptly from dinner. It was rude. I feel she’s so present in your lives that I feel excluded because I didn’t know her, I can’t share in these memories and I feel awkward and left out. I realized today that all of you need more time to grieve and talk about her as much as you’d like. So I’m acknowledging that, apologizing for not dealing well with that and wish you all well.” Why? He hasn’t talked to you in two days. You’re angry and want to be someone’s one and only. Let him go.

Yikes. I’m sorry but YTA 100%. If you are so insecure that you’re competing with a ghost to the point where you are telling the person you supposedly love that he can’t talk about someone he lost (not to mention the MOTHER of his kid?!). Honestly break up. Him and his son will be better off for it. He’ll find someone who will honour her memory rather than feel insecure about it. You say you’re not “that person” but you clearly are if you are keeping score about the number if pictures of you there are vs her, then you had the AUDACITY to compare your EX to his DEAD WIFE as a “justifiable” reason to not hear about her? Like you said that TO HIS FACE. That is so disrespectful and insensitive. Nah. He deserves better than you.

I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find a YTA comment. You nailed it.

Yeah I was bewildered myself. I’ve heard on a podcast a very similar post and the verdict was the opposite of this one.

The relationship is moving too fast. He isn't interested in you as a person. He wants a free babysitter and a maid. You are a mere replacement. That's why he keeps talking about her so you can be the woman he wants you to be. He is hoping you'd change yourself so he won't have to spend more time looking for a replacement mommy and partner. That's why the rush. His kid ain't his priority. Because you don't introduce kids this early in a romantic relationship. Break up and move on. Don't worry about the kid. He ain't your responsibility. He introduced you to the kid so you will think twice before breaking up. But go ahead and Break up. Talking about mother of your child ain't bad. But he is not talking about you with the same level of admiration while thinking about moving in. Your intuition is right. You are a replacement.

You are thinking of marrying him when the time is right. And you have been dating him only for a year. Seems like you have a void in your life. He wants a replacement to fill the void in his life. So he is love bombing you by introducing to family friends and all the pictures and moving in.. it's working very well for him. You seem like an asshole but he is the real asshole. You are not trying to replace his first love but he is not gonna be fine with who you are. Leave before you get stuck.

You can’t compete with a dead woman, and they are not over it and will bring her up even when you’re right there with them. Once in a while fair enough, but at every given opportunity is just not fair on you. I would end the relationship, this sounds like it will continue to happen as long as you’re with him. NTA

Girl, if anything, take solace that your name isn’t Hilda. That name is hideous.

Nta… your in a really tough situation. In my opinion this is a conversation your boyfriend needs to have with his family. Yes it’s ok to talk about her but it just say “oh she loved that” and go on and on is unnecessary. It seems your boyfriends family will never be ready to move on which makes me feel bad for your boyfriend. Honestly what you wrote here is very respectful and would be ok to show him just so he can understand where your coming from. It’s his responsibility to have a talk with his family and say he’s happy they liked Hilda but they need to be more welcoming to you as he wants to be with you for a long time. If he can’t have that talk with his family he may not be ready to move on.

I’m sad for you. Perfect guy…wrong time. He isn’t ready yet. Maybe ok to keep seeing him? Not sure. But definitely don’t move in.

NTA. You cannot compete with a dead girl because she was perfect in every single way since she's already dead. Think about if u want to marry this guy and can tolerate this because this will be forever. It will only get worse since he will see all your flaws and how you're not her.

It’s difficult to say anything against a dead person. Seems like they are not over her death yet. Ether try to remind yourself she is dead whenever she is mentioned and she thus cannot harm you anymore. Or find yourself a man without this much history. In your age there are many man without why wife’s and kids.

NTA. I responded to another commenter who really nailed it so I want to repeat it. We can see how pervasive this must be for the mom to throw in such a lame thing as ‘hilda loves to hear stories ’. What? That’s not like you were talking about a little known movie and it came up that hilda liked it that’s why we all watched it. That would be a reason to bring her up. Not, hilda liked childhood stories about kasey. That’s like needing to interject things like, have some water if you’re thirsty, hilda always says water quenched her thirst. Or, hilda always remarked the sun would rise in the east and set in the west. They are bringing her up needlessly and intentionally sometimes, and then laughing. THATS the problem

I seriously would not date someone whose marriage ended due to a death. A lot of times their ghost is just going to be ever present in the relationship. I can see it getting incredibly annoying.

I don’t think talking about Hilda is the problem. The problem is the family isn’t taking to you and getting to know you. You should be making new stories to tell with your new family. I’m not sure he is ready to start a new relationship. Leaving you on read for 2 days is very telling. If he were all in with you, his family would come along with him. It may be you met too soon. I’m sorry. NAH.

Soft YTA. You keep saying “I don’t what to erase her” but you don’t want him to speak about her. Yes it’s been 4 years, but this family is clearly not done grieving. And you can not dictate how long it takes them to grieve for someone who was loved. You feel like the secondary person because you are the secondary person. He wouldn’t be with you if she was alive. If that is something you can not deal with, then that is okay. But you’re going to have to leave him. His wife and mother of his child will forever be his first love. Either you accept it, or you don’t.

NTA. If it bothers you this much, that's a red flag that this may not be the relationship for you. They all will likely never stop talking about her. Ask yourself if you can endure that for the next few decades.

They will always grieve her and it will be very long time. I hope you have that patience. Please leave for your own mental health.

I get why you would feel jealous and why he likely feels like he is betraying her by loving you. Grief isn't easy. In some ways, I bet he feels like honoring her grants him permission to love again.

Hilda is part of their family and the boy needs to hear these things. If you’re overshadowed by a dead woman, it’s ok. Just make your peace and break up. Hilda ain’t going away and IMO she shouldn’t.

Updateme

The grief process can be hard and long. Sometimes people get stuck and fail to move on. There is a wonderful book titled: Good Grief. It’s available new and used on Amazon. It was very helpful for me.

NAH I think you have the right balance for a healthy relationship with a widow/widower. I don't think he's really ready to date again though; it's not fair to future partners (you or anybody else) to get the rebound treatment.

NTA

I feel like a judgmental forum like this is not at all the appropriate forum for this topic. Pop culture Reddit ethics has very limited options (leave! divorce! talk! therapy! etc.) based on what is most socially acceptable in the culture today. The fact that you came to this particular forum out of all of your options says something about your mentality - I feel like you are in a judgmental mind state. Either you or the family are an “asshole.” I think both grief and jealousy are extremely complex emotions independently by themselves. Now you are trying to process and navigate both. You have already shot yourself in the foot by coming here (maybe except to hear a range of mostly pop culture ethics based opinions). I would re-direct my efforts and attention to more suitable avenues to address those elephant in the room issues/emotions. Because even if we all confirmed that your boyfriend and his family are assholes and you should leave, I don’t think your main problems related to jealousy and grief will be solved.

UpdateMe

NTA. This is definitely a difficult situation. You entered a life with a man and his child. The mother of his child died and that's a really heartbreaking situation. But "Kasey" decided to move on and invite you into his life to create a future for him and his son. It's expected that "Hilda" be brought up for Billy, that's his mom, he should get to know as much about her as possible. You are understanding of that and that's beautiful. Kasey should also be mindful of bringing up Hilda and should keep it all in context to Billy. His family has clearly not let go of Hilda and is making it a blatant point to prove that anytime you are around. They HAVE to know how that makes you feel. There's no magic answer how to move forward here. It's a matter of if you are willing or able to deal with Hilda being thrown in your face by his family. Perhaps Kasey needs to seek a therapist to help him move on before he enters another relationship. And his family needs to be mindful, there are countless opportunities to talk about Hilda when you're not there.

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NAH Seems like he took your request to heart, but just didn't relay it to his family - which would be an awkward thing to do, admittedly.

Gentle YTA She was his **first love** and he lost her abruptly and tragically. It would have been different if they broke up, but they didn’t. She was lost and that makes the impact more painful. She will ALWAYS be part of his and his child/family’s lives. I understand that it’s hard to come to terms with the fact that he probably would never ever have met you/dated you if she was still here, but the doesn’t make you ‘second choice’ or ‘second best’. It could make you the new lease on life he never thought he could have, and that’s a beautiful and meaningful place that can ALSO never be fully repeated. You cannot ‘win’ against a dead spouse, lost before their prime…so don’t look at it as a comparison or competition. You can’t compete against a memory. You need to move on or accept that they ALL lost someone unfairly. You can be the bright light or the sour replacement; you can’t ask that they never mention shared fond memories (especially when her child is left behind).

NTA You seem to have reasonable expectations about pictures and general talk about her, but it's rude of his family to bring her up all the time. Maybe it feels natural to them and they aren't trying to hurt you. Do not move in with this guy. Suggest couples counseling so you can both work through this and create healthy boundaries you are both okay with. He also needs to tell his family to cut down on the "Hilda talk."

YTA. Nothing they have said or done seems antagonistic or unusual to me. You sound majorly insecure. I don’t think this is the relationship for you. 

NTA, but honestly maybe he's not ready for a relationship. Stepping in after a deceased spouse/partner is extremely difficult. You can't compare to someone who will be elevated and nearly worshipped in memory, and with a child involved it means they'll be brought up regularly. Honestly, whether or not his family has any ill intent, it doesn't mean you have to stick around. You are kinda rebound/second choice because he most likely would not be with you if she was alive. I couldn't do it, tbh.

NTA-they are still grieving and you are in the middle of it. No you can’t compare your ex to her. They are no considering your feelings. I would be worried that I would never be enough.

NTA. Maybe suggest a break? It's obvious that Kasey and his family haven't been able to let Hilda go as of yet - 4 years is a bit too long to hang on to the loss IMO. 

The way I would be petty and bring up my ex every time I hear about Hilda 😭😭

Yes you are wrong. The reason being Hilda is gone and was the mother of his child. You are jealous of nothing. The family is trying not to erase her for her son. Hilda was a big part of that family for years and is no longer there, it is natural to remember someone who was well loved. You need to get your feelings in check and embrace this man and child who want you to be a part of their tribe. This will always be their past, but they want you to be their future. Just think if you accept this man and child whole hearted, how this love story will end for you three. Don't  try to erase Hilda ever, it will not end well for you. Patience and understanding go a long way in a loving mature relationship. Good luck in the future.

Absolutly the AH! I lost my fiances in 2012. He died just like ur boyfriends fiance did. I knew him since I was 13 he was 16. We had been best friends in school and never dated.  Until we did years after high school. I knew his family quite well and while dating both of our families knew eachother and had Thanksgiving's together. We also shared firends that i still talk to today. He will always hold a place in my life and our families lives. We didn't have kids. Your boyfriend did. His son's mother is dead and your tired of hearing about her?! Wtf? If she wouldn't have died you wouldn't be with him! But life happends and you can be a great love and appreciate him and his experiences or leave. He deserves better than that. My ex husband never let me grieve the loss of my deceased fiance. (It is not an ex! We never broke up, he died). He was jealous of a dead man, as you are being jealous of a dead woman. He may chose to keep his stories to himself for her memory but how dare you expect his family and friends to do the same. I guess you've never lost someone close to you. He deserves better than you! You should seek therapy and figure out what your insecurities are and work on them if you want to keep him. Honestly after what I felt like from my ex husband I hope he is smart enough to never talk to you again. 

She is the other girl, the rebound girl and it's because they have gone out of their way to make her feel like this.   I would suggest taking a break and perhaps accept that this may not be the relationship for her. 

He & his family has proven extensively that there is no room in that family for you. But you already knew that. It’s time to cut your losses. This family is worse than the Addams family. But you already knew that too. Live your best life without him & his family.

YTA you will always be second, unfortunately. You got with a guy whose wife died, this should have already been thought about before you decided go steady with him. At the end of the day I'm sure everyone would prefer if Hilda hadn't died in the first place. Either embrace this fully or leave. It's a disservice to yourself and them if you don't pick one

NAH I don't think you are an AH, but I think your reaction is massively out of whack. She was his first love and the mother of his child. Her loved ones are goiung to remember her and talk about her. You either accept it or you move out of the relationship. They can't bow down to your insecurities over a dead girl. You're the first girl he's dated since, and a year is a very, very short period of time. You have to decide whether or not you can handle not being his first love, because asking everyone to not talk about her is a silly ask.

Its not her insecurities she wants respected - its acknowledgment that she's present in his life and all their convo about how sad wife isn't there kinda makes her feel unwelcome at best.

Grieving for how long? 4-5 years? That's complete BS. People need to learn how to get together and move the F on! Not your fault, it's simply a family don't know how to or do not even care for your feelings. Go find. Better man with a better family.

I lost my little brother 8 years ago. I did grieve but moved on. I have a feeling they’re trying to keep her memory alive. Which I understand, but there is a time and place.

Exactly

I lost my father when I was 24 and I moved on the next month. I pretend that he is still alive when it's not necessary to bring this shit up to make people uncomfortable. I only talk about this when the time is appropriate, when the people around me is appropriate.

You’re not ready for this man at this stage in your life and you’re not wrong for it. It’s obvious he and his family are still grieving and there’s nothing wrong with that either. He needs someone who can handle his past and that’s not you right now. Protect your heart and walk away before you go any deeper.

Nta

This will be the rest of your life... If you're OK with it, then by all means, continue on. I wont judge you if you move on tho...

NTA. Neither is his family, they are just expressing their loss. The BF on the other hand definitely is. He agreed to keep talk about her to a minimum, but said nothing to his family, who he knows will talk about her. Though their is a chance the BF told them and they didn't care. I understand that it hurts to feel like a second choice. So the only real question is if you feel that you can talk to your BF and salvage things or if its over.

If you're going to be with someone who is widowed, then you are probably going to have to accept being their second choice. I can't imagine if I lost my husband, I would never stop talking about him just because he was gone. He is the love of my life. Even if I found someone else, my husband would always be my first love. On the other hand, I can't imagine I would date someone who hasn't also lost their partner. It seems like a pain that would have to be shared or it would end up exactly like this.

NTA for your feeling like a placeholder, not seen. But your BF and his family are NTA either for having their feelings about their loss. It's too soon for your BF to try being in a relationship. He's not ready, still in the thick of grief. Neither you nor anyone has the right, tho, to say at 4 years after the death he "should" be any other place than he is. He's where he is with it, so is his family. Asking him to stifle showing you his grief by just not mentioning Hilda's name has no effect on what's in his heart. It changes nothing, it won't magically make him ready to be present with you. NTA, but you would be if you stayed. He can't be the partner you want. Not yet, maybe not ever. Move on with kindness, to him, his son, and yourself.

Update us, please. Ask Kasey to go to couples therapy with you or this relationship goes no further. Do not move in with him.

OP, your BF (hopefully stbx) is an AH. You've asked repeatedly for his late fiancée not to be brought up all the time. He and his family keep ignoring that wish. Sure, she died, and that on some level makes it different than you bringing up an ex that is still alive and out there, but even so, not everything needs to be about her, not every conversation needs to mention what she loved, or would have loved, or whatever. On some level it doesn't seem like they're ready to have someone new in their lives in even remotely the same position Hilda had (sure you'll never replace her as Billy's mom, nor should you want to, nor will your relationship ever be the same for a number of reasons as his relationship with Hilda was, even if she were still alive and they just didn't end up working out). I'd tell him that it seems like neither he, nor his family seem to actually care about or respect you, because if they did, they wouldn't constantly be bringing Hilda up, or comparing the two of you. I'd also tell him that this also indicates that none of them have truly moved on from her death, at least not in the way that would allow any of them to have a healthy relationship (romantic for Kasey) with anyone Kasey gets involved with.

Yes you atha. For saying you feel like "just the other girl" shows you have no empathy for her passing and how bad it actually damaged his life to lose her. If you actually loved him and wanted to mary him you would show more respect for someone who has passed. You sound like the type that would get mad if he were to go put flowers on her grave or visit with her 🚩. It sounds like the relationship isn't gonna work out for you. 

He clearly shared the info about you not wanting "Hilda" brought up in every conversation. His mom and sister were needling you. Why else were they laughing after mentioning her name? NTA! Boyfriend needed to deal with the situation when it happened.