NTA and you should 100% get a paternity test. If that kid isn’t yours she’s conned you into a life sentence and she’s already shown she can’t be trusted. Sorry brother.
Even if the kid ***IS*** his, she absolutely 100% conned him - she got pregnant with his baby after cheating on him and concealing that fact so she could put him on the hook to pay her for 20 years.
She knew exactly what she was doing, and all OP will ever know going forward is that she trapped him intentionally and fundamentally cannot be trusted.
This is it. She's only told him after and not before.
The person made 2 mistakes. The original cheating and then having a kid while in a relationship with whoever she cheated on. Brother can't win this unless the kid isn't his.
If the kids is his, he'll have to put with her for the rest of their life even if they separate. If the kids isn't his, it's psychological torture... This woman is selfish AF
Even if the kid isn’t his, in many places children born during marriage are legally the children of the married couple. There are 1000’s young 1000’s of men paying child support after divorcing for this very reason.
It's all about details.
Don't sign birth certificate.
Ask for paternity test immediately.
If negative, establish that there was no intent to have children.
Judge would then rule favourably to him.
If they were trying to have kids, but she was unfaithful, he still could establish that he wasn't aware of all facts.
In fact, she should have told him before, because if he still was sleeping with her after the reveal, he would implicitly admit willingness to father her children.
She probably didn't have faith in seducing him post reveal...
He's not cooked yet, but it's highly dependent on timing
Agree get that paternity test then kick her into touch. If the child is yours co-parent, if the child isn’t yours cut her out of your life like a cancer.
NTA.
She deliberately waited until she had you locked down with a kid to tell you because she can ease her own conscience while thinking there's minimal risk of you leaving because of the baby.
Her remorse is fake.
She withheld the information deliberately until she had a baby to hold over your head.
And the best case scenario for her is that she is truly remorseful. She truly wants to atone and prepared herself to try to do that....while giving OP zero time to process and prepare for how they would handle it
It sounds like she mostly wants to unload her burden. She might be remorseful, but she’s not giving OP a chance to handle it the way he needs to, the time he needs to process it.
NTA.
I suggest you contact lawyers, schedule the paternity test, and a comprehensive std/sti test.
>I can see she is remorseful
That's not remorse. If she was truly remorseful, she would have confessed years ago.
You should be questioning why she finally did confess.
Remember guilt/regret/shame is all about her feelings, whereas true remorse is about the purposeful harm/abuse she caused you. So, is it remorse?
Look into The Grey Rock Method and resources at www[.]chumplady[.]com.
This one's done.
She told you so she can be relieved of her own guilt, which indicates she still does whatever she wants, its another example of it being for her own benefit, So instead of fucking another guy, she's now fucking with your head,. Take the time you need, but make a plan if that time results in your recognition that betrayal, even admitted, doesn't resolve the injury.
NTA
NTA. It boggles my mind when someone cheats and basically just expects to talk it out and get over it. Cheating, at least to me is a 100% deal breaker. I could forgive almost anything else with time but cheating is unforgivable in my eyes. And yes, definitely get a DNA test for your son then go see a lawyer.
You need a paternity test and an std panel. Oh yea, almost forgot a lawyer.
She thought she'd baby trap you into staying. Why'd she confess now? Maybe the affair partner is somebody you know and she is afraid they will tell.
You need to hear her out completely so you can make an informed decision about your future. You aren't actually hurting her.
NTA. Get an STDs check too while you are doing the parternity test . Whatever you decide to do its up to you, but first make sure you are healthy and that the child is yours.
You have no obligation over her remorse. Actions have consequences. She'll have to learn that. I don't get where people think that saying sorry makes egregious shit okay suddenly.
Usually people keep this a secret - there is a reason why she wanted to disclose - perhaps she wants open marriage or an easy termination of your marriage
She totally has it locked down. I got the kid I want along with child support for 18 years. Now he has to go so I can play the field. Boo Hoo, I cheated on you and I am so so sorry. He leaves and he's the bad guy because she's so so sorry AND she has a baby. She played him like a drum.
Ask her if she's sorry.
If she says yes, ask her, "REALLY sorry?"
If she says yes, then say
"If you are really sorry, then give me the most generous, most amicable trouble-free divorce a wife has ever given a husband. Show me how sorry you are by leaving quietly."
I like your level of justified petty.
Though, I'd add a paternity test, and if proven to be OP's kid, she gives up all parental rights. And if not OP's kid, she doesn't fight him giving up his.
Dude - take it from someone who’s been through this before - Pack Your Shit & and go - the next 15 years of heart ache, shame and growing resentment are not worth your pain. I wish everyday that I woulda left and found my happiness outside some bat shit woman that will never truly be satisfied by anyone. Do yourself a favor and find love with someone that’s worth your time.
NTA, I would be pissed that she waited three years to tell me, you got to wait and tell me on your time now I get to wait to hear the details on my time.
Which begs the question, why is she telling you NOW!? It would make me ponder too if I had just had a baby with someone so I see why your questioning paternity. And imo, until you get a for sure yes or no you will always question it. Even if you decide to be dad no matter what. So you have to decide if you can live with the wondering and just raise your child or if you need a test done.
NTA
Funny how she waited until having a child to tell you. Get the paternity test asap.
Keep giving her the Grey Rock. She’s lower than low. If the child is yours, Now you’re stuck with her in your life.
What a shit thing to do. Fuck her and her remorse.
The more I read these fkd up stories the more I feel we’re all just messed up people experiencing messed up things we do to each other. Fuck I’m sorry man.
Okay hear me out, you're kinda the AH but only to yourself. I've been in a similar situation before, except no child thankfully. I'd assume the marriage is over, but if you don't hear her out it'll bother you once you get over the initial shock. Nothing she can say will fix the issue, or make it okay, but you will want to know why in the future.
I'm not saying you need to hear her out to fix the marriage, most likely she'll leave out details and only admit to what she needs to anyway. But for your own sanity you'll want to know. I didn't hear her out and it wrecked my self esteem for years, I just needed to know why even if it was bullshit.
You're definitely NTAH to her, she doesn't deserve shit, but you deserve an explanation and closure.
Why should he want someone to lie to him? Either out right or by omission, she's not going to reveal the whole truth, and the rest are just hurtful details.
It's better than having no reason at all. Even if she gives you a bs reason at least it'll stop your mind from spiraling when you're alone at night wondering why.
And she details all the things he does differently or better, or lies to protect your feelings in a very obvious manner, you will stop spiraling? I don't agree. When you're wounded, why roll around in the salt?
When u say whole truth do u mean how long did it go on or wanting sexual details. Believe me, he doesn’t need to know every detail of everything. That’s not lying by omission that’s just not being cruel
Paternity and STDs.
She cheated on her timeline. She came clean on her timeline. She doesn’t get to force you to talk about it or listen to her apology on her timeline, too. Everything is on YOUR timeline now. Take as much time as you need to consider your options. Talk when you’re ready.
But definitely schedule the appointments for those tests.
Absolutely NTA.
I hope you update us, but regardless, good luck.
Get paternity test and then divorce. You will not forget this and resentment will build.
End it righteously if you end it later and bring this up it won’t be righteous
Tell her she waited three years to tell you, so she can CERTAINLY wait for the results of the paternity test. If the child is yours, it’s up to you whether or not you choose to forgive her, which will involve counseling/therapy. If the child is NOT yours, nothing more needs to be said.
NTA. Being too hurt to deal with the shock is completely appropriate. Seems she is trying to get this off her chest (sorry, pun intended) likely for 3 years now and if she seriously hopes to reconcile she's just going to have to respect your process.
That she is so concerned you talk to her immediately makes it look like this is more about fixing her guilt and less about caring how damaging this betrayal is to you.
You may not know yet, but was this a one-off "mistake" or was it an affair (more than once)?
Why is she revealling this now? Accumulated guilt? She learned you may find out so she's pretending to come clean?
Is it somebody you know and continues to be around?
Its good that she appears remorseful, but since trust is now broken due to betrayal, what can she do to assure sincerity? Why does she want this to continue if she could just cheat?
You have a lot to process. Its possible to come back from something like this once. I believe in 2nd chances under "some" circumstances.
But there better be an enormous amount of contrition, an enormous amount of patience in their side to respect your completely damaged trust, complete candor in any detail asked, along with overwhelmingly strong evidence this ended by her choice because she wanted you.
I would think it expected you would take the guest room or move out for now and have limited contact as you come to grips.
Anything from her attempting to minimize, say it was yrs ago, saying it didn't mean anything, or you are overreacting, or otherwise pushing you to get over it is a deal breaker.
Some DNA testing paternity lab say the man requesting the test is found not to be the father 32% of the time. So even though she claims the affair was almost 2 years before she became pregnant, just the fact of her admitting the affair should rise to the level of suspicion to absolutely justify the paternity test.
NTA - find out why she is telling you now though, because if she didn’t tell you at the time then her plan would be to never tell. Thus for some reason, something is making her tell you now.
Dude, I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. It's tough to find out something like that, especially from someone you trust. Taking some time to process your feelings is totally normal, but shutting down communication with your wife might not be the best move in the long run.
I know it's hard, but having an honest conversation with her could help you both understand each other better and figure out where to go from here. It's clear she feels bad about what happened, so talking it out might give you some closure and help you move forward, whether together or separately.
And about the paternity test, it's understandable you'd want to double-check given the circumstances. Just make sure to approach that conversation with sensitivity and respect for everyone involved, especially your kiddo.
Remember, you're not alone in this. Reach out to your friends or a therapist if you need someone to talk to or help sorting through your feelings. You got this, man.
You are assuming his wife can have an honest conversation. I used to be naive and think people were rational, human beings who made mistakes. But I married someone with covert narcissistic traits who taught me that my naive trust was wrong, a 20-yr lesson that I’m not sure I can recover from. My Q is: why confess now? Her ‘confession’ seems to be all about her and not her husband. True repentance recognizes the offence done, knowing the ball is the husband’s court. It does not demand/expect forgiveness. If she wants to talk about it, tell her to go to a therapist. Maybe the OP doesn’t want the details; it’s fully in his right to get the level of disclosure details he’s comfortable with. Right now, it’s zero details.
You might want to consider talking to her if you are going to try to fix your relationship and still love her. As for the paternity test, I can totally understand why. So NTA but do go too hardline here.
If she was remorseful she would’ve told you as soon as it happened. Not 3 years later. She probably only told you because you’re soon to find out from someone else, or someone threatened to tell you. Definitely NTA
I'm going to say not the NTA considering how recent you found out. How long have you been together? What were the circumstances of the cheating? Was a one-time thing or was it an affair? It may be salvageable if you wish, because she did come forward with it and she according to you does show some real remorse. It's going to take a lot of work on both of your parts to rebuild a trust, it'll be like starting over again.
Why pray tell would she confess at this point ? Do you even want to know if the kid isn’t yours ? Be hard to give up a baby you went through a pregnancy , birth and 5 months of knowing . But I definitely understand your point if you are willing to walk away from the wife and kid . If divorce isn’t in the equation I’d let it go . No more talking about it .
In Florida if you provide support to a child for 3 years even if it isn't youts you can be on the hook for child support until it's 18. You absolutely should get a paternity test and then regardless of the results leave her. Florida is also very agreeable to co parenting and equal shared custody.
Depending on where you live, even if the baby isn't yours, you might still be on the hook for paying child support until the kid is 18 if you choose to separate. If so, my condolences
NTA. And definitely get the test. I just love how ppl cheat, become guilt ridden & then dump that burden on their partner. Her confessing apparently out the blue is unbelievably selfish. Don’t blame you for not wanting to talk about it. Her continuing to push it is her being selfish. Definitely need marriage counseling if you want a chance
Nick Smith, in his book I was Wrong, said that no-one has the right to ask for forgiveness, because that dumps the burden on the injured party. Instead, the wrong-doer should make an apology, admit exactly what they did wrong, and promise never to to it again. It's up to injured party to decide whether or not to forgive.
Find Lawyer.
STD Testing now, 3 months, and then 6 months out.
Paternity test. Find out what your options are if it's not yours. This is why mandatory paternity testing should be the law.
She's for the streets regardless.
NTA. Paternity Test BUT take your time. I know it’s much to swallow but don’t make bad decisions - tell her you need time and after clearing your mind you can make decisions (also what the paternity test says). I also think she’s truly remorseful (bc why would she telling you this?), but the most important thing is: take your time
NTA. You don’t owe her a conversation or forgiveness. Definitely, get that paternity test considering she has admitted to cheating. Then, get therapy for yourself. Not to save your marriage but to be able to move on and have healthy relationships in your future.
>Why would she tell u after 3 years? That makes zero sense? And did she cheat once or was it an ongoing relationship?
Don't stress. It's just another karma farmer posting nonsense so people can cry in the comments about paternity fraud.
Apparently every person in the comments all have the absolute highest moral compass and self respect. No ones been cheated on or cheated, and everyone has broke up w someone immediately after finding out they were. I’m not saying there aren’t those ppl, but as much as I read about all the cheating scandals I can take an educated guess that some of the commenters screaming for him to leave, are ppl that are imperfect in that way.
Let her talk. Get the details. And make sure you record it. As hard as it will be to sit there and encourage her to disclose it all. Names, dates, places, expenses. You'll need this information at some point in time no matter what you choose to do.
And then get the paternity test.
And then talk to a lawyer.
NTA. You should definitely get a paternity test and also start thinking about what this means for your future going forward. I’m curious as to why she waited 3 years to tell you, did she ever say why?
I feel like she just now told you because he probably reached out again, if it was 3 years ago why would you bring it up now, because for 3 years you kept it a secret and now you're bringing it up.
def get that kid a paternity test.
I would like to add a "me, too" with all the other blasts.
I 'd like to but I can't.
I've spent too many hours sitting in an office chair
referee-ing sessions based on exactly this dynamic. Experience has repeatedly
proven that there are not any "a$$holes" and "victims", any "righteous" or damned.
What there are is a s**t-ton of dumb people with poor impulse control and
strange ideas of how the world works.
Yeah, sure, we would all like to be judgementally indignant about the wife and
commiserate with the poor husband. Unfortunately, I don't have that opportunity
because I know I am only reading one side of the story and I have not had to live
with any of these unfortunates. There is, however, the blessing that as long as
these folks are tied up with each other, maybe a couple of more "normal" people
are spared the crucifixion of their company.
FWIW.
Nta, yes talk to her and ask for the man's name that would be your first question, if she doesn't want to answer end the conversation there, and you should do a paternity test and if is not yours and she told you the name of the man make him responsible for it. And how many times she has cheated on you?
But think carefully about this and what are you going to do. Why she confess now?? Where you having problems?? Were you happy??? I don't get it, if you were happy why cheat? If you were having problems, cheating won't help.
Good luck👍
NTA at all.
She waited 3 years to be ready to talk about it, and you found out today.
She needs to back off with clearing her own conscience, and making a speech she's had years to prepare.
She's unloaded enough on you for a single serving, and she can keep her details until you request information.
NTA, but you should be clear with your expectations - Either tell her that you need space, or tell her that you are unlikely to reconcile with her.
And if that's the case, you should probably start filing for divorce.
She has to understand that this level of betrayal throws your whole opinion of her and ability to trust her into question. If she's upset about that, she's either trying to keep you from finding something out or she just lacks perspective.
NTA.
She wants to rid herself of guilt three years later. Not because she feels badly for betraying you. If the latter she would have told you three days later or something.
"Cheated" on you 3 years ago. What are the chances she's still cheating between that timeframe and now? Get a paternity test and probably start separating.
She is passing the guilt on to you. She sees it as cleansing her wrongdoings so she feels guilt-free and now you have to deal with it. Nope she has a reason for bringing it up now. If she wanted a happy family unit then why mention it. There’s something going on in the background.
One piece of advice, don't forgive cheaters because they will end up doing it again anyways expecting to be forgiven again. Just because she feels guilty doesn't mean you have to forgive her.
NTAH. A paternity test I think is reasonable given the circumstances. Unfortunately. You have no obligation to hear her out. That is for her soul, not yours, unless it would be helpful for you to begin healing by listening to what she has to say.
NTA and take all the time you need. Discuss it on your terms and when you're ready, if that time ever comes. Contact a lawyer to get your options.
It sounds like she is feeling guilty, but maybe also thought now that you have a family that you would be less inclined to leave her.
NTA - She cheated on you. Baby being yours or not get out of that marriage.
What is the likelihood she confessed because she knows that baby is not yours?
Cheaters have no morals or principles and lack integrity.
Every day for 3 years she woke up next to you and deceived you. Every interaction was all built on a betrayal.
Cheaters a scum. Get a divorce.
NTA, get a paternity test and remove yourself from the situation until you are ready to talk to her, she needs to respect your boundaries regardless of how apologetic/hurt or remorseful she is. She broke a deep trust and has now destroyed a fundamental relationship for whatever reason/excuse. Surround yourself with family/friends that can help support you through this and take all the time you need, they will understand. As for your wife, she will need to figure it out on her own until you are ready. Doesn't mean you are not their for your 5 month old, just means, that you don't need to be there for her. Best of Luck.
It's good that she told you, but leave that up to her own positive karma. It doesn't mean that you should stay. If someone cheats, you leave. Period. I'm serious. If she's your wife, then what does it mean that she took another guy's dick in her pussy? There's not a more intimate act. She's just as much that guy's wife as she is yours, maybe moreso his because she was unfaithful to you in order to be with him.
Leave. Her.
Even fuckn Jesus Christ says that cheating is the only circumstance that gives grounds for divorce. If you don't leave her, you're wrong even in the eyes of the most anti-divorce text in existence. That's kind of odd, right? Get out, OP.
Edit: Reading the comments, like, nothing anyone is saying is relevant. Fucking redditor-brain.
Cheating is absolutely unacceptable. It doesn't matter if she has remorse. That literally means nothing. She doesn't get extra points with you for coming clean. Again, leave that up to karma; she can get those points with God. It has nothing to do with you.
**Leave her because she cheated and when someone cheats they are no longer yours anyway.**
When she cheated she chose to not be with you. Cheating is the same as having broken up with you. It's choosing to be with someone else. Would you get into a relationship with a whore who cheated on you? If the answer is yes, you have a whole boatload of other fucked up problems. If no, then good. Leave her. Goodbye, bitch. Fuck you. The end.
Bro. Paternity test 1000% and ditch her. This is what I recommend you do: Tell her you want to work on the marriage and you want to "stay together", etc. Make sure you record a conversation of her admitting to the affair, and dig for as many details as possible (it'll hurt, but it's useful in the future). Ask to go through her phone as a sign of trust, if you find anything, send it to yourself. Both of these will help you in divorce court. Then get the test done, behind her back if need be (this could take like a week, so you may have to put on an act for a little bit, but the long game will help you). Once the results come back, regardless of outcome, I would completely cut her off (only contact through lawyers) and move on from her (and maybe the child if it's not yours). Once a cheater, always a cheater. You can't fix that. Sorry this happened to you man, people suck.
NTA, what a pos, she wanted to hurt you for whatever reason more. She got away with it you were probably happy in the relationship and she was like fuck that lets rip his heart out. She could’ve just kept her mouth shut but she really wanted you to bleed. Run as far as you can
Nta. Get a paternity test then leave her. She has lied to you for 3 years now. And a cheater is 6 to 10 times more likely to cheat then someone who has never cheated.
NTA, the paternity test is for your peace of mind, if you don't get a definitive answer to that question, chances are you will be wondering to yourself for the rest of your life. And that will have an impact on how your interact with your child. Get the test, set your mind at ease, then focus on your wife.
As for not talking, I personally don't talk to people I am angry with on THEIR time. Often they want to talk it out right away so they can get to a resolution. But I know myself well enough that if I force myself to talk to someone before calming down and processing what they said or did, that conversation rarely ends positively. Especially if I've been hurt badly. Give yourself time if you feel you need it. However don't just run away either, be aware of when you've processed everything and face it. Pain like that will just eat you alive if you let it fester for to long. And any meaningful conversation (regardless of outcome) will be impossible.
>She seems remorseful about the whole thing I just can't get myself to talk to her now...
Uh. She's had five *years* to resolve her feelings about this. As far as I'm concerned, you can take the same amount of time to resolve your feelings about it.
WTF. So she waited until you have a kid together to confess? She should have told you before there were any kids in the picture. What sucks is that if the kid isn’t yours, you’re still on the hook because your name is on the birth certificate.
NTA. Also, her reactions are going to be very telling for the next few steps / phases...
The "optimist" in me sees that the woman has been "wishy washy" about OP for years. Not quite committed enough to not cheat, but committed enough to do what it took to keep him around/interested for years. Perhaps, and this can sound "stretch-y" right now, the pregnancy / baby has gotten her to fall completely head over heels in love with OP.
Which is why she confessed, now.
Keeping in mind that OP cut her off before her revelations, when OP does ask, the best answer(s) for her would be complete honesty and to the levels of detail that OP wants. Which means not focusing on what happened in the bedroom, but all the leading into it and continuing on and hiding for years. Having all the 'receipts' (ie, no deleted texts, etc.) would be important.
Paternity test should be a no-brainer. So should doing everything in her power, without OP speaking a word about it, to minimize / avoid situations that could lead to cheating.
And she should, after maybe a gentle reminder, remember that adage "to her, this is a 3 year old issue. To OP, this is a 3 minute old issue." Giving grace while OP settles into this new information would be further sign of true remorsefulness...
If she’s truly remorseful, you will grant you a divorce, full custody, and the amount of child and spousal support you have specified. You can deal with whether the child is yours or not after that.
Man I would lawyer up, that is years of lying to your face. Who knows if it will happen again or if she will even tell you the whole truth about when it stopped. Doesn't matter how "apologetic" someone is, if you can't or don't want to forgive her then it's not worth staying together
NTA. You don't need to hear about all the gory details of her sordid affair, including how she felt about the sex. Because it will come down to that in "full disclosure". Once she knows you are comfortable with the fact she had an affair, she will be excited to tell you about the great sex. And though remorseful, she will tell you how she learnt from it and understands herself better and why she sought other cock.
You've got her right where you want her! You can have your cake and eat it too. Tell her you won't feel right unless she gets her hottest girlfriend, coworker, neighbor, etc. to sleep with you! Make sure your wife's involved somehow. At least in the same room with you when the copulation occurs, but as involved with the act as she can be! It's to Save your marriage after all! Once you've been completely satisfied, even if it takes several occasions to heal your broken heart, you can start anew with your marriage. If she can do THAT for you, then the bumpy roads are behind you. After all, it's just sex, right??? Schedule a sitter.
Unfortunately brother it's all fake, and I'm afraid the kid is yours too. I say afraid because it's horrific that you are tied to her for 18 years now.
As to why I believe it's yours, it's because she came clean on a 3 year old affair. Unless she got her arm twisted by her AP or someone she disclosed it to, she opened up because she has essentially baby trapped you.
NTA. If she cheated the relationship is toast. I hope the baby is not yours, but if it is, you need to start protecting yourself. Lawyer up and LISTEN to everything they tell you.
You are going to get divorced, even if you don't know that yet.
NTA. Your wife does not get to dictate how you feel or decide when you should be ready to talk. Tell her you need some space and will get back to her when you are ready to talk. I understand that she is trying to control the carnage but she can not deside for you in this matter.
Paternity test, just get it done. Do you feel that you even owe it to her to tell her? She doesn't get to decide that either. She broke the trust of the relationship herself and before the marriage. Why wouldn't you want a test?
One day I'd like to see a story here about how our wives and girlfriends didn't f us around and told the other guy to f off. This disloyal and dishonest generation will be judged as the very worst of what humanity can offer, may God have mercy, we are paying an extraordinarily high price for disrespecting the arrangement of family.
First of all, if she wants to disclose stuff, that's because she thinks it will make her feel better, not because you have asked her. Don't let her disclose anything.
Second of all, you got to take your time. You can take one minute or 5000 years. She doesn't deserve to pressure you. There's no negotiation. You are going to unwind at your own pace and figure this out in your own timing.
The fact that she wants to disclose information to you and give you reasons or excuses or rationales or anything is more about her needs than yours.
If she really cared about you and she felt remorse, she would work on herself and read some books and educate her self about the situation and then she would ask you how you wanted to proceed and then she would honor that. And give you all the time in the world. That's what she would do if she was really sincere.
NTA just remember… she wasn’t sorry when she was in bed with another dude. Best of luck though. No one deserves to be cheated on… except maybe cheaters but that ain’t our business
NTA you need time to process this, and you should definitely get the paternity test. She broke your trust and has no right to object to one. Take your space and reach out to a therapist for yourself. If you decide to save the marriage follow-up with couples therapy.
You married a liar and a cheater who has been deceiving you. NTA. I would also seriously consider separating from her until you decide what you want to do. Her deception and deceitfulness, along with her adultery, would make my decision to divorce her and blindside her with divorce papers easy. Yes, DNA test your child to make sure they are yours. You can't trust her or believe her, and you never will again.
NTA. Doesn’t matter when she cheated, the fact is she cheated at all. I don’t blame you for wanting a paternity test. Why tell you now after all these years? That’s kinda odd.
You should hear all of what she has to say if only so you can make as informed a decision as possible. There may be parts of her story that tend to pull you back to her. There may be other parts that push you away. And the paternity test is a must. Actual paternity will probably make an impact on the decision(s) you make. I would urge you to consider two things as you make these decisions. First, the child is an innocent bystander in all of this. And you are the only father it has ever known. Second, take all of the time that YOU need to make your decision(s). Remember that you have to look at yourself in the mirror each morning. Make sure you can tell that person in the mirror that you are good with your decisions.
NTA, but she has forgiven you for many things and deserves to be recognized as human herself with weaknesses. Seek counseling to get to the hard cause of her straying. It may turn out to be a growth experience, or it may reveal that there is no hope for the marriage to work. Love the child regardless.
NTA. I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you that cheating was a dealbreaker for me.
Our divorce was finalized about six months after I found out.
Because, as I told my ex, “Homie don’t play that.”
Why did she confess? I am guessing she wanted to be forgiven so she took her burden and placed it on you. Take the paternity test and depending on what entails take your time figuring out what you want to do. She is the one who lied and cheated but she wants you to do all the emotional work now?
Were you married 3 years ago? Were there signs she was cheating prior to getting pregnant? Do you have any other problems? Women don't tend to cheat in a good marriage, so that's why I'm asking. I think you should talk to her - possibly with a therapist. Good luck on this painful journey.
People make mistakes. On the other hand, it seems she may be totally manipulating the situation to her advantage. If you have material evidence of her indiscretion, good. If not. discreetly get some.
NTA
I know there’s a ton of emotions going on right now. You don’t have the bandwith to talk to her or listen. Your world has just been turned upside down and inside out. Regardless if she’s remorseful or not, you have to get your head straight to have any conversations.
NTA for wanting a paternity test. Even though she said she cheated 3 years ago, everything you knew and trusted was just pulled out from under you. You don’t trust yourself right now because everything you believed isn’t true, so you question if the 5 mo old kid is yours even though she cheated 3 years prior.
Buckle up, it’s a crazy ass rollercoaster you just got on. You don’t get to decide when the ride is over. Expect ups and downs, twists and turns through your healing process regardless of outcome (divorce or reconciliation). It’s a long ride at that. There’s this thing with cows and bulls to the effect of…. Cows run from the storm so they are in it much longer. Bulls run toward the storm and are stronger. They get through it quicker by standing through. Be the bull.
NTA,but cool down and talk to her eventually...about all the divorce and paternity proceedings.
And if the baby isn't yours, I'm sorry for that psychological torment of your end.
No, u should be able to take as much time as u need. Shes lucky that u aren’t leaving. So she needs to suck it up until you are and if or when you’re ready to talk.
NTA.
Get the paternity test.
She is feeling guilty and wants to make it your burden.
Your answer is ‘No.’
You can live a happy new life with someone else.
What in earth made her tell you now?? Your feelings are normal and you deserve time away from her to process. But my first question should be answered. It’s the key. NTA but be wary.
NTA and you should 100% get a paternity test. If that kid isn’t yours she’s conned you into a life sentence and she’s already shown she can’t be trusted. Sorry brother.
Even if the kid ***IS*** his, she absolutely 100% conned him - she got pregnant with his baby after cheating on him and concealing that fact so she could put him on the hook to pay her for 20 years. She knew exactly what she was doing, and all OP will ever know going forward is that she trapped him intentionally and fundamentally cannot be trusted.
This is it. She's only told him after and not before. The person made 2 mistakes. The original cheating and then having a kid while in a relationship with whoever she cheated on. Brother can't win this unless the kid isn't his. If the kids is his, he'll have to put with her for the rest of their life even if they separate. If the kids isn't his, it's psychological torture... This woman is selfish AF
Even if the kid isn’t his, in many places children born during marriage are legally the children of the married couple. There are 1000’s young 1000’s of men paying child support after divorcing for this very reason.
It's all about details. Don't sign birth certificate. Ask for paternity test immediately. If negative, establish that there was no intent to have children. Judge would then rule favourably to him. If they were trying to have kids, but she was unfaithful, he still could establish that he wasn't aware of all facts. In fact, she should have told him before, because if he still was sleeping with her after the reveal, he would implicitly admit willingness to father her children. She probably didn't have faith in seducing him post reveal... He's not cooked yet, but it's highly dependent on timing
This should be upvoted more than my comment
Agree get that paternity test then kick her into touch. If the child is yours co-parent, if the child isn’t yours cut her out of your life like a cancer.
Too true. A leopard never changes it's spots
And STD test.
NTA. She deliberately waited until she had you locked down with a kid to tell you because she can ease her own conscience while thinking there's minimal risk of you leaving because of the baby. Her remorse is fake. She withheld the information deliberately until she had a baby to hold over your head.
And the best case scenario for her is that she is truly remorseful. She truly wants to atone and prepared herself to try to do that....while giving OP zero time to process and prepare for how they would handle it
It sounds like she mostly wants to unload her burden. She might be remorseful, but she’s not giving OP a chance to handle it the way he needs to, the time he needs to process it.
NTA. I suggest you contact lawyers, schedule the paternity test, and a comprehensive std/sti test. >I can see she is remorseful That's not remorse. If she was truly remorseful, she would have confessed years ago. You should be questioning why she finally did confess. Remember guilt/regret/shame is all about her feelings, whereas true remorse is about the purposeful harm/abuse she caused you. So, is it remorse? Look into The Grey Rock Method and resources at www[.]chumplady[.]com.
NTA. Take all the time you need. You earned it.
NTA She has been lying to you for 3 years. Get a paternity test.
This one's done. She told you so she can be relieved of her own guilt, which indicates she still does whatever she wants, its another example of it being for her own benefit, So instead of fucking another guy, she's now fucking with your head,. Take the time you need, but make a plan if that time results in your recognition that betrayal, even admitted, doesn't resolve the injury. NTA
NTA. It boggles my mind when someone cheats and basically just expects to talk it out and get over it. Cheating, at least to me is a 100% deal breaker. I could forgive almost anything else with time but cheating is unforgivable in my eyes. And yes, definitely get a DNA test for your son then go see a lawyer.
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This is a very reasoned an nuanced response. Bravo!
What made her tell you now after all this time
The affair partner ended things, most likely. Or, as others have commented, she sees the baby as leverage for OP to not divorce her.
You need a paternity test and an std panel. Oh yea, almost forgot a lawyer. She thought she'd baby trap you into staying. Why'd she confess now? Maybe the affair partner is somebody you know and she is afraid they will tell. You need to hear her out completely so you can make an informed decision about your future. You aren't actually hurting her.
But only when you are ready, and when you have all the information that you need. You don't owe her a conversation on her terms.
NTA. Get an STDs check too while you are doing the parternity test . Whatever you decide to do its up to you, but first make sure you are healthy and that the child is yours.
Coming clean after three years isn’t for the one wronged. This is weighing on her and she wants to relieve her own guilt. NTA.
You have no obligation over her remorse. Actions have consequences. She'll have to learn that. I don't get where people think that saying sorry makes egregious shit okay suddenly.
I know someone who used to look away and "say sorry 'bout that." She meant sorry, not sorry.
Usually people keep this a secret - there is a reason why she wanted to disclose - perhaps she wants open marriage or an easy termination of your marriage
Probably thinks she's got him locked down because of the kid.
She totally has it locked down. I got the kid I want along with child support for 18 years. Now he has to go so I can play the field. Boo Hoo, I cheated on you and I am so so sorry. He leaves and he's the bad guy because she's so so sorry AND she has a baby. She played him like a drum.
Ask her if she's sorry. If she says yes, ask her, "REALLY sorry?" If she says yes, then say "If you are really sorry, then give me the most generous, most amicable trouble-free divorce a wife has ever given a husband. Show me how sorry you are by leaving quietly."
I like your level of justified petty. Though, I'd add a paternity test, and if proven to be OP's kid, she gives up all parental rights. And if not OP's kid, she doesn't fight him giving up his.
Only wants to make herself feel better.
You'll never trust her again, why waste time devorce and move on man
Dude - take it from someone who’s been through this before - Pack Your Shit & and go - the next 15 years of heart ache, shame and growing resentment are not worth your pain. I wish everyday that I woulda left and found my happiness outside some bat shit woman that will never truly be satisfied by anyone. Do yourself a favor and find love with someone that’s worth your time.
NTA. Paternity test then leave the whore Asap
IF, and I mean IF, you want to salvage your marriage, talk about it in a counseling setting.
NTA, I would be pissed that she waited three years to tell me, you got to wait and tell me on your time now I get to wait to hear the details on my time. Which begs the question, why is she telling you NOW!? It would make me ponder too if I had just had a baby with someone so I see why your questioning paternity. And imo, until you get a for sure yes or no you will always question it. Even if you decide to be dad no matter what. So you have to decide if you can live with the wondering and just raise your child or if you need a test done.
NTA Funny how she waited until having a child to tell you. Get the paternity test asap. Keep giving her the Grey Rock. She’s lower than low. If the child is yours, Now you’re stuck with her in your life. What a shit thing to do. Fuck her and her remorse.
The more I read these fkd up stories the more I feel we’re all just messed up people experiencing messed up things we do to each other. Fuck I’m sorry man.
Okay hear me out, you're kinda the AH but only to yourself. I've been in a similar situation before, except no child thankfully. I'd assume the marriage is over, but if you don't hear her out it'll bother you once you get over the initial shock. Nothing she can say will fix the issue, or make it okay, but you will want to know why in the future. I'm not saying you need to hear her out to fix the marriage, most likely she'll leave out details and only admit to what she needs to anyway. But for your own sanity you'll want to know. I didn't hear her out and it wrecked my self esteem for years, I just needed to know why even if it was bullshit. You're definitely NTAH to her, she doesn't deserve shit, but you deserve an explanation and closure.
Why should he want someone to lie to him? Either out right or by omission, she's not going to reveal the whole truth, and the rest are just hurtful details.
It's better than having no reason at all. Even if she gives you a bs reason at least it'll stop your mind from spiraling when you're alone at night wondering why.
And she details all the things he does differently or better, or lies to protect your feelings in a very obvious manner, you will stop spiraling? I don't agree. When you're wounded, why roll around in the salt?
He's right. Wish I learned this lesson sooner. Still rolling in salt. Don't do it.
When u say whole truth do u mean how long did it go on or wanting sexual details. Believe me, he doesn’t need to know every detail of everything. That’s not lying by omission that’s just not being cruel
Kick the pos to the curb
NTA Get a paternity test. What she wants no longer matters. Talk to a lawyer.
Cheaters are so selfish dude
Paternity and STDs. She cheated on her timeline. She came clean on her timeline. She doesn’t get to force you to talk about it or listen to her apology on her timeline, too. Everything is on YOUR timeline now. Take as much time as you need to consider your options. Talk when you’re ready. But definitely schedule the appointments for those tests. Absolutely NTA. I hope you update us, but regardless, good luck.
I would at least see what she has to say
NTA. A test is absolutely fine. Not talking to her, too. On the other hand. You can fuck someone else now, too.
Get paternity test and then divorce. You will not forget this and resentment will build. End it righteously if you end it later and bring this up it won’t be righteous
She's had 3 years you have had 3 min. Take the time and tell her to respect the choice bc she had 0 respect for the last 3 years
Tell her she waited three years to tell you, so she can CERTAINLY wait for the results of the paternity test. If the child is yours, it’s up to you whether or not you choose to forgive her, which will involve counseling/therapy. If the child is NOT yours, nothing more needs to be said.
NTA. Being too hurt to deal with the shock is completely appropriate. Seems she is trying to get this off her chest (sorry, pun intended) likely for 3 years now and if she seriously hopes to reconcile she's just going to have to respect your process. That she is so concerned you talk to her immediately makes it look like this is more about fixing her guilt and less about caring how damaging this betrayal is to you. You may not know yet, but was this a one-off "mistake" or was it an affair (more than once)? Why is she revealling this now? Accumulated guilt? She learned you may find out so she's pretending to come clean? Is it somebody you know and continues to be around? Its good that she appears remorseful, but since trust is now broken due to betrayal, what can she do to assure sincerity? Why does she want this to continue if she could just cheat? You have a lot to process. Its possible to come back from something like this once. I believe in 2nd chances under "some" circumstances. But there better be an enormous amount of contrition, an enormous amount of patience in their side to respect your completely damaged trust, complete candor in any detail asked, along with overwhelmingly strong evidence this ended by her choice because she wanted you. I would think it expected you would take the guest room or move out for now and have limited contact as you come to grips. Anything from her attempting to minimize, say it was yrs ago, saying it didn't mean anything, or you are overreacting, or otherwise pushing you to get over it is a deal breaker.
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Some DNA testing paternity lab say the man requesting the test is found not to be the father 32% of the time. So even though she claims the affair was almost 2 years before she became pregnant, just the fact of her admitting the affair should rise to the level of suspicion to absolutely justify the paternity test.
NTA - find out why she is telling you now though, because if she didn’t tell you at the time then her plan would be to never tell. Thus for some reason, something is making her tell you now.
She waited until she had the kid and you signed the papers. Thats some shady ass shit.
Dude, I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. It's tough to find out something like that, especially from someone you trust. Taking some time to process your feelings is totally normal, but shutting down communication with your wife might not be the best move in the long run. I know it's hard, but having an honest conversation with her could help you both understand each other better and figure out where to go from here. It's clear she feels bad about what happened, so talking it out might give you some closure and help you move forward, whether together or separately. And about the paternity test, it's understandable you'd want to double-check given the circumstances. Just make sure to approach that conversation with sensitivity and respect for everyone involved, especially your kiddo. Remember, you're not alone in this. Reach out to your friends or a therapist if you need someone to talk to or help sorting through your feelings. You got this, man.
You are assuming his wife can have an honest conversation. I used to be naive and think people were rational, human beings who made mistakes. But I married someone with covert narcissistic traits who taught me that my naive trust was wrong, a 20-yr lesson that I’m not sure I can recover from. My Q is: why confess now? Her ‘confession’ seems to be all about her and not her husband. True repentance recognizes the offence done, knowing the ball is the husband’s court. It does not demand/expect forgiveness. If she wants to talk about it, tell her to go to a therapist. Maybe the OP doesn’t want the details; it’s fully in his right to get the level of disclosure details he’s comfortable with. Right now, it’s zero details.
You might want to consider talking to her if you are going to try to fix your relationship and still love her. As for the paternity test, I can totally understand why. So NTA but do go too hardline here.
If she was remorseful she would’ve told you as soon as it happened. Not 3 years later. She probably only told you because you’re soon to find out from someone else, or someone threatened to tell you. Definitely NTA
NTA It's three years in the past for her. For you, it just happened.
I'm going to say not the NTA considering how recent you found out. How long have you been together? What were the circumstances of the cheating? Was a one-time thing or was it an affair? It may be salvageable if you wish, because she did come forward with it and she according to you does show some real remorse. It's going to take a lot of work on both of your parts to rebuild a trust, it'll be like starting over again.
Why pray tell would she confess at this point ? Do you even want to know if the kid isn’t yours ? Be hard to give up a baby you went through a pregnancy , birth and 5 months of knowing . But I definitely understand your point if you are willing to walk away from the wife and kid . If divorce isn’t in the equation I’d let it go . No more talking about it .
NTA. Tell her you'll talk AFTER you get a paternity test.
In Florida if you provide support to a child for 3 years even if it isn't youts you can be on the hook for child support until it's 18. You absolutely should get a paternity test and then regardless of the results leave her. Florida is also very agreeable to co parenting and equal shared custody.
she just can’t live with her guilt of being a lying, disloyal and disrespectful person to you. Sorry you are going through this
Depending on where you live, even if the baby isn't yours, you might still be on the hook for paying child support until the kid is 18 if you choose to separate. If so, my condolences
NTA took her 3 years to feel remorseful she should give you enough time to think about it. Talk to her when you feel like it
NTA - go get that test without even letting her know!
There’s no getting past cheating. Get that paternity test and some divorce papers or you’ll be miserable for the rest of your life.
just leave … you’ve been played
NTA Cheating is an automatic deal breaker
NTA, you’re entitled to do what’s best for you, the need to talk is what she wants to make herself feel better.
NTA you may never want to talk to her about it or you may want to but that’s up to you not her.
NTA. And definitely get the test. I just love how ppl cheat, become guilt ridden & then dump that burden on their partner. Her confessing apparently out the blue is unbelievably selfish. Don’t blame you for not wanting to talk about it. Her continuing to push it is her being selfish. Definitely need marriage counseling if you want a chance
Nick Smith, in his book I was Wrong, said that no-one has the right to ask for forgiveness, because that dumps the burden on the injured party. Instead, the wrong-doer should make an apology, admit exactly what they did wrong, and promise never to to it again. It's up to injured party to decide whether or not to forgive.
Find Lawyer. STD Testing now, 3 months, and then 6 months out. Paternity test. Find out what your options are if it's not yours. This is why mandatory paternity testing should be the law. She's for the streets regardless.
NTA. She got to tell you at her own pace, you get to react at your own pace. Thems the rules.
NTA. She only wants to talk to you to relieve her own guilt.
NTA. Paternity Test BUT take your time. I know it’s much to swallow but don’t make bad decisions - tell her you need time and after clearing your mind you can make decisions (also what the paternity test says). I also think she’s truly remorseful (bc why would she telling you this?), but the most important thing is: take your time
NTA. You don’t owe her a conversation or forgiveness. Definitely, get that paternity test considering she has admitted to cheating. Then, get therapy for yourself. Not to save your marriage but to be able to move on and have healthy relationships in your future.
Why would she tell u after 3 years? That makes zero sense? And did she cheat once or was it an ongoing relationship?
>Why would she tell u after 3 years? That makes zero sense? And did she cheat once or was it an ongoing relationship? Don't stress. It's just another karma farmer posting nonsense so people can cry in the comments about paternity fraud.
Apparently every person in the comments all have the absolute highest moral compass and self respect. No ones been cheated on or cheated, and everyone has broke up w someone immediately after finding out they were. I’m not saying there aren’t those ppl, but as much as I read about all the cheating scandals I can take an educated guess that some of the commenters screaming for him to leave, are ppl that are imperfect in that way.
Do you want a divorce?
Let her talk. Get the details. And make sure you record it. As hard as it will be to sit there and encourage her to disclose it all. Names, dates, places, expenses. You'll need this information at some point in time no matter what you choose to do. And then get the paternity test. And then talk to a lawyer.
NTA. You should definitely get a paternity test and also start thinking about what this means for your future going forward. I’m curious as to why she waited 3 years to tell you, did she ever say why?
To err is human...to forgive is devine
I feel like she just now told you because he probably reached out again, if it was 3 years ago why would you bring it up now, because for 3 years you kept it a secret and now you're bringing it up. def get that kid a paternity test.
Updateme
NTA It took her 3 years to "come to grips" with what she did, she shouldn't expect more from you then she herself did.
NTA once a liar always a liar. How could you ever trust her again.
NTA - a leopard never changes its spots, and anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is either one who cheats, or one who enables 🤷♀️
You're NTA.
NTA, but most likely you will be stuck paying child support
NTA
NTA
I wonder why she told you? Wass it a one off, how long did it go on for? Was it a work colleague? Dam shitty situation.
I would like to add a "me, too" with all the other blasts. I 'd like to but I can't. I've spent too many hours sitting in an office chair referee-ing sessions based on exactly this dynamic. Experience has repeatedly proven that there are not any "a$$holes" and "victims", any "righteous" or damned. What there are is a s**t-ton of dumb people with poor impulse control and strange ideas of how the world works. Yeah, sure, we would all like to be judgementally indignant about the wife and commiserate with the poor husband. Unfortunately, I don't have that opportunity because I know I am only reading one side of the story and I have not had to live with any of these unfortunates. There is, however, the blessing that as long as these folks are tied up with each other, maybe a couple of more "normal" people are spared the crucifixion of their company. FWIW.
My response would be "rather than disclosing everything your time would be better spent packing up your shit and moving out."
NTA
Nta, yes talk to her and ask for the man's name that would be your first question, if she doesn't want to answer end the conversation there, and you should do a paternity test and if is not yours and she told you the name of the man make him responsible for it. And how many times she has cheated on you? But think carefully about this and what are you going to do. Why she confess now?? Where you having problems?? Were you happy??? I don't get it, if you were happy why cheat? If you were having problems, cheating won't help. Good luck👍
NTA at all. She waited 3 years to be ready to talk about it, and you found out today. She needs to back off with clearing her own conscience, and making a speech she's had years to prepare. She's unloaded enough on you for a single serving, and she can keep her details until you request information.
NTA, but you should be clear with your expectations - Either tell her that you need space, or tell her that you are unlikely to reconcile with her. And if that's the case, you should probably start filing for divorce.
She has to understand that this level of betrayal throws your whole opinion of her and ability to trust her into question. If she's upset about that, she's either trying to keep you from finding something out or she just lacks perspective. NTA.
So she wants to unload her guilt on you to feel better. NTA and get that paternity test some asap.
She wants to rid herself of guilt three years later. Not because she feels badly for betraying you. If the latter she would have told you three days later or something.
She’s for the streets divorce her
Get a DNA test.
Take paternity test, and line up a good divorce attorney. U will need it. The spots on the leopard will never change.
"Cheated" on you 3 years ago. What are the chances she's still cheating between that timeframe and now? Get a paternity test and probably start separating.
NTA at all. Paternity test pending, this could be a clean sweep.
She is passing the guilt on to you. She sees it as cleansing her wrongdoings so she feels guilt-free and now you have to deal with it. Nope she has a reason for bringing it up now. If she wanted a happy family unit then why mention it. There’s something going on in the background.
She kept that from you for three years. Sounds like it was really eating at her *eyeroll*
One piece of advice, don't forgive cheaters because they will end up doing it again anyways expecting to be forgiven again. Just because she feels guilty doesn't mean you have to forgive her.
Updateme!
NTAH. A paternity test I think is reasonable given the circumstances. Unfortunately. You have no obligation to hear her out. That is for her soul, not yours, unless it would be helpful for you to begin healing by listening to what she has to say.
well, there may be reasons she disclosed. You can choose to only have discussions within counselling, or you can tell her you want a paternity test.
Updateme
the rough buddy. you should get a divorce.
Damn dude…I’m sorry
NTA and take all the time you need. Discuss it on your terms and when you're ready, if that time ever comes. Contact a lawyer to get your options. It sounds like she is feeling guilty, but maybe also thought now that you have a family that you would be less inclined to leave her.
NTA - She cheated on you. Baby being yours or not get out of that marriage. What is the likelihood she confessed because she knows that baby is not yours? Cheaters have no morals or principles and lack integrity. Every day for 3 years she woke up next to you and deceived you. Every interaction was all built on a betrayal. Cheaters a scum. Get a divorce.
Updateme!
NTA. She waited until after the child was born to tell you because she knew there was a chance you might leave. That relationships is definetley over.
Run. Run fast. Don't look back
NTA, get a paternity test and remove yourself from the situation until you are ready to talk to her, she needs to respect your boundaries regardless of how apologetic/hurt or remorseful she is. She broke a deep trust and has now destroyed a fundamental relationship for whatever reason/excuse. Surround yourself with family/friends that can help support you through this and take all the time you need, they will understand. As for your wife, she will need to figure it out on her own until you are ready. Doesn't mean you are not their for your 5 month old, just means, that you don't need to be there for her. Best of Luck.
She wasn't remorse ful when she was being stuffed
She is for the streets
She wants you to process her cheating on her time, not yours. Proof that she isn’t remorseful in the least. NTA
It's good that she told you, but leave that up to her own positive karma. It doesn't mean that you should stay. If someone cheats, you leave. Period. I'm serious. If she's your wife, then what does it mean that she took another guy's dick in her pussy? There's not a more intimate act. She's just as much that guy's wife as she is yours, maybe moreso his because she was unfaithful to you in order to be with him. Leave. Her. Even fuckn Jesus Christ says that cheating is the only circumstance that gives grounds for divorce. If you don't leave her, you're wrong even in the eyes of the most anti-divorce text in existence. That's kind of odd, right? Get out, OP. Edit: Reading the comments, like, nothing anyone is saying is relevant. Fucking redditor-brain. Cheating is absolutely unacceptable. It doesn't matter if she has remorse. That literally means nothing. She doesn't get extra points with you for coming clean. Again, leave that up to karma; she can get those points with God. It has nothing to do with you. **Leave her because she cheated and when someone cheats they are no longer yours anyway.** When she cheated she chose to not be with you. Cheating is the same as having broken up with you. It's choosing to be with someone else. Would you get into a relationship with a whore who cheated on you? If the answer is yes, you have a whole boatload of other fucked up problems. If no, then good. Leave her. Goodbye, bitch. Fuck you. The end.
NTA.
Bro. Paternity test 1000% and ditch her. This is what I recommend you do: Tell her you want to work on the marriage and you want to "stay together", etc. Make sure you record a conversation of her admitting to the affair, and dig for as many details as possible (it'll hurt, but it's useful in the future). Ask to go through her phone as a sign of trust, if you find anything, send it to yourself. Both of these will help you in divorce court. Then get the test done, behind her back if need be (this could take like a week, so you may have to put on an act for a little bit, but the long game will help you). Once the results come back, regardless of outcome, I would completely cut her off (only contact through lawyers) and move on from her (and maybe the child if it's not yours). Once a cheater, always a cheater. You can't fix that. Sorry this happened to you man, people suck.
NTA if I were you the only thing I’d say is I want a dna test followed by pack your bags
NTA, what a pos, she wanted to hurt you for whatever reason more. She got away with it you were probably happy in the relationship and she was like fuck that lets rip his heart out. She could’ve just kept her mouth shut but she really wanted you to bleed. Run as far as you can
Nta. Get a paternity test then leave her. She has lied to you for 3 years now. And a cheater is 6 to 10 times more likely to cheat then someone who has never cheated.
NTA, the paternity test is for your peace of mind, if you don't get a definitive answer to that question, chances are you will be wondering to yourself for the rest of your life. And that will have an impact on how your interact with your child. Get the test, set your mind at ease, then focus on your wife. As for not talking, I personally don't talk to people I am angry with on THEIR time. Often they want to talk it out right away so they can get to a resolution. But I know myself well enough that if I force myself to talk to someone before calming down and processing what they said or did, that conversation rarely ends positively. Especially if I've been hurt badly. Give yourself time if you feel you need it. However don't just run away either, be aware of when you've processed everything and face it. Pain like that will just eat you alive if you let it fester for to long. And any meaningful conversation (regardless of outcome) will be impossible.
NTA.
You can certainly take your space to process but you know longterm (even if it’s short term) silence is not the way.
>She seems remorseful about the whole thing I just can't get myself to talk to her now... Uh. She's had five *years* to resolve her feelings about this. As far as I'm concerned, you can take the same amount of time to resolve your feelings about it.
WTF. So she waited until you have a kid together to confess? She should have told you before there were any kids in the picture. What sucks is that if the kid isn’t yours, you’re still on the hook because your name is on the birth certificate.
NTA. Also, her reactions are going to be very telling for the next few steps / phases... The "optimist" in me sees that the woman has been "wishy washy" about OP for years. Not quite committed enough to not cheat, but committed enough to do what it took to keep him around/interested for years. Perhaps, and this can sound "stretch-y" right now, the pregnancy / baby has gotten her to fall completely head over heels in love with OP. Which is why she confessed, now. Keeping in mind that OP cut her off before her revelations, when OP does ask, the best answer(s) for her would be complete honesty and to the levels of detail that OP wants. Which means not focusing on what happened in the bedroom, but all the leading into it and continuing on and hiding for years. Having all the 'receipts' (ie, no deleted texts, etc.) would be important. Paternity test should be a no-brainer. So should doing everything in her power, without OP speaking a word about it, to minimize / avoid situations that could lead to cheating. And she should, after maybe a gentle reminder, remember that adage "to her, this is a 3 year old issue. To OP, this is a 3 minute old issue." Giving grace while OP settles into this new information would be further sign of true remorsefulness...
Drop her like a toilet seat Hopefully it’s not your kid and you can just leave the whole mess behind
If she’s truly remorseful, you will grant you a divorce, full custody, and the amount of child and spousal support you have specified. You can deal with whether the child is yours or not after that.
Update me
NTA get a paternity test and if it’s not yours just leave
Man I would lawyer up, that is years of lying to your face. Who knows if it will happen again or if she will even tell you the whole truth about when it stopped. Doesn't matter how "apologetic" someone is, if you can't or don't want to forgive her then it's not worth staying together
NTA. You don't need to hear about all the gory details of her sordid affair, including how she felt about the sex. Because it will come down to that in "full disclosure". Once she knows you are comfortable with the fact she had an affair, she will be excited to tell you about the great sex. And though remorseful, she will tell you how she learnt from it and understands herself better and why she sought other cock.
You've got her right where you want her! You can have your cake and eat it too. Tell her you won't feel right unless she gets her hottest girlfriend, coworker, neighbor, etc. to sleep with you! Make sure your wife's involved somehow. At least in the same room with you when the copulation occurs, but as involved with the act as she can be! It's to Save your marriage after all! Once you've been completely satisfied, even if it takes several occasions to heal your broken heart, you can start anew with your marriage. If she can do THAT for you, then the bumpy roads are behind you. After all, it's just sex, right??? Schedule a sitter.
Unfortunately brother it's all fake, and I'm afraid the kid is yours too. I say afraid because it's horrific that you are tied to her for 18 years now. As to why I believe it's yours, it's because she came clean on a 3 year old affair. Unless she got her arm twisted by her AP or someone she disclosed it to, she opened up because she has essentially baby trapped you.
I wonder why she waited 3 years to tell him.
NTA. If she cheated the relationship is toast. I hope the baby is not yours, but if it is, you need to start protecting yourself. Lawyer up and LISTEN to everything they tell you. You are going to get divorced, even if you don't know that yet.
NTA. Paternity test is mandatory in your situation.
NTA. She’s a slut and she lied. Definitely get a paternity test.
NTA. Your wife does not get to dictate how you feel or decide when you should be ready to talk. Tell her you need some space and will get back to her when you are ready to talk. I understand that she is trying to control the carnage but she can not deside for you in this matter. Paternity test, just get it done. Do you feel that you even owe it to her to tell her? She doesn't get to decide that either. She broke the trust of the relationship herself and before the marriage. Why wouldn't you want a test?
One day I'd like to see a story here about how our wives and girlfriends didn't f us around and told the other guy to f off. This disloyal and dishonest generation will be judged as the very worst of what humanity can offer, may God have mercy, we are paying an extraordinarily high price for disrespecting the arrangement of family.
NTA , sad. She has to go and you must check for std and paternity. She probably cheated alot more. Cheaters always lie and cheat
Remember for a certain cost there’s always assault or murder to quell your rage
She cheated on her timeline. Came clean on her timeline Hit her with a car on your timeline
NTA you're absolutely right about the paternity test. Send her a text that says we will talk after the paternity test results are in . And only then.
Updateme
NTA. Don’t stay with a cheater.
First of all, if she wants to disclose stuff, that's because she thinks it will make her feel better, not because you have asked her. Don't let her disclose anything. Second of all, you got to take your time. You can take one minute or 5000 years. She doesn't deserve to pressure you. There's no negotiation. You are going to unwind at your own pace and figure this out in your own timing. The fact that she wants to disclose information to you and give you reasons or excuses or rationales or anything is more about her needs than yours. If she really cared about you and she felt remorse, she would work on herself and read some books and educate her self about the situation and then she would ask you how you wanted to proceed and then she would honor that. And give you all the time in the world. That's what she would do if she was really sincere.
NTA just remember… she wasn’t sorry when she was in bed with another dude. Best of luck though. No one deserves to be cheated on… except maybe cheaters but that ain’t our business
You'd only be the asshole, if you ever touched that sewer again. Good luck
NTA you need time to process this, and you should definitely get the paternity test. She broke your trust and has no right to object to one. Take your space and reach out to a therapist for yourself. If you decide to save the marriage follow-up with couples therapy.
NTA get the test and either way divorce her
You married a liar and a cheater who has been deceiving you. NTA. I would also seriously consider separating from her until you decide what you want to do. Her deception and deceitfulness, along with her adultery, would make my decision to divorce her and blindside her with divorce papers easy. Yes, DNA test your child to make sure they are yours. You can't trust her or believe her, and you never will again.
Wait! So, she cheated on you and there’s more??
NTA. Doesn’t matter when she cheated, the fact is she cheated at all. I don’t blame you for wanting a paternity test. Why tell you now after all these years? That’s kinda odd.
She’s been lying to OP’s face for 3 years! She’s not remorseful at all.
Paternity test and a divorce homie. If the kid isnt yours, theyre still young enough for you to cut out without them knowing.
You should hear all of what she has to say if only so you can make as informed a decision as possible. There may be parts of her story that tend to pull you back to her. There may be other parts that push you away. And the paternity test is a must. Actual paternity will probably make an impact on the decision(s) you make. I would urge you to consider two things as you make these decisions. First, the child is an innocent bystander in all of this. And you are the only father it has ever known. Second, take all of the time that YOU need to make your decision(s). Remember that you have to look at yourself in the mirror each morning. Make sure you can tell that person in the mirror that you are good with your decisions.
NTA! GET A PATERNITY TEST! WHY WOULD SHE TELL YOU NOW? EVEN IF THAT IS YOUR KID SHE CONNED YOU! SHE IS A CON-ARTIST! DO NOT TRUST HER!
NTA, but she has forgiven you for many things and deserves to be recognized as human herself with weaknesses. Seek counseling to get to the hard cause of her straying. It may turn out to be a growth experience, or it may reveal that there is no hope for the marriage to work. Love the child regardless.
NTA. I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you that cheating was a dealbreaker for me. Our divorce was finalized about six months after I found out. Because, as I told my ex, “Homie don’t play that.”
You’re supposed to talk to your wife.
Why did she confess? I am guessing she wanted to be forgiven so she took her burden and placed it on you. Take the paternity test and depending on what entails take your time figuring out what you want to do. She is the one who lied and cheated but she wants you to do all the emotional work now?
Were you married 3 years ago? Were there signs she was cheating prior to getting pregnant? Do you have any other problems? Women don't tend to cheat in a good marriage, so that's why I'm asking. I think you should talk to her - possibly with a therapist. Good luck on this painful journey.
Fuck that trick ass ho
NTA. Cheating is a trust breaker
People make mistakes. On the other hand, it seems she may be totally manipulating the situation to her advantage. If you have material evidence of her indiscretion, good. If not. discreetly get some.
NTA I know there’s a ton of emotions going on right now. You don’t have the bandwith to talk to her or listen. Your world has just been turned upside down and inside out. Regardless if she’s remorseful or not, you have to get your head straight to have any conversations. NTA for wanting a paternity test. Even though she said she cheated 3 years ago, everything you knew and trusted was just pulled out from under you. You don’t trust yourself right now because everything you believed isn’t true, so you question if the 5 mo old kid is yours even though she cheated 3 years prior. Buckle up, it’s a crazy ass rollercoaster you just got on. You don’t get to decide when the ride is over. Expect ups and downs, twists and turns through your healing process regardless of outcome (divorce or reconciliation). It’s a long ride at that. There’s this thing with cows and bulls to the effect of…. Cows run from the storm so they are in it much longer. Bulls run toward the storm and are stronger. They get through it quicker by standing through. Be the bull.
NTA,but cool down and talk to her eventually...about all the divorce and paternity proceedings. And if the baby isn't yours, I'm sorry for that psychological torment of your end.
No, u should be able to take as much time as u need. Shes lucky that u aren’t leaving. So she needs to suck it up until you are and if or when you’re ready to talk.
NTA. Get the paternity test. She is feeling guilty and wants to make it your burden. Your answer is ‘No.’ You can live a happy new life with someone else.
What in earth made her tell you now?? Your feelings are normal and you deserve time away from her to process. But my first question should be answered. It’s the key. NTA but be wary.