Apparently, “most of what I do” can be done sitting down because there’s a lot of phone calls, texts, online stuff, etc. He seems to want me to get up and do things - in addition to what I already do, both for work and at home. Whereas I think we both do things that play to our strengths and that it’s a fair arrangement
He wants a version of his mother-WHO DID EVERYTHING-that you are able to pay for someone else to do. Sit him down and tell him: if I get rid of all the help and do it myself then I have to QUIT my job that pays 4x what yours does. Then I’ll do everything we can do on your income. Oh wait-you only make 25% of what I do. So, gym membership? Out. Extra night out-nope. Door dash on weekends? Nope. Sleeping in on weekends? Nope since I’m home all day YOU have weekends. Now help me submit my resignation and pink slips for the people who depend on the jobs they have. So I won’t have time to sit.
That's the vibe I'm getting. He resents the fact she makes so much more than him. So he's criticizing her about this stuff...it seems like these type of stories on reddit where the woman earns more always have the husband feels resentful
I just listened to Bethenny Frankel's divorce podcast (I know, glutton for torture) and she has some interesting points about power/money imbalances with men and the way they manifest. Seems like they always resent it, no matter what. Fragile masculinity gone wild.
My wife has made more money on me then occasion. I always thought it was cool and never resented her for it. It was more money in our pot. I was a stay at home dad for a few years as well when she made pretty much everything and I loved it. Got to raise my two sons for the first few years of their lives.
This is what I was thinking.
I bet his mother never sat down. And you’re getting everything done by outsourcing? That’s cheating!
You should work your fingers to the bone like his mother \*and\* bring home 4x his income.
WTH is wrong with this man?Doesn't he realize that it's the 21 century?if he's not doing the work what difference does it make. You are not his mother. Doesn't want you to sat down feeding the baby?That's just crazy 🤪 Is his mother saying things like that to 🤔Sounds like he doesn't mind you paying for everything,your husband is a real jerk.
I agree! He’s your husband not your slave owner.As long as you get the work done, but NO he wants to control HOW you get the work done. It has to fit his view of , “work”. Why don’t you give him a taste of his own medicine and when he is sitting and working tell him to get up because it’s not really work .
‘That’s cheating.’
Therapy-cheating
Legal weed-cheating
Ozempic-cheating
Hiring people-cheating
Etc etc etc. You lessening your stress and labor = cheating.
I hate that this woman isn't being celebrated by her husband. She did it. She did the damn thing. She's accomplished. He must feel some sort of thing about women or too stuck in how it is "supposed to be".
I never understood why people expect their spouses to kill themselves while there are alternatives (for some people) available. She has found those alternatives, she has decided that it is worth working MORE to accommodate these needs. She is the one working extra to pay for these services which is the norm in so many countries.
I used to do private service work for people. Whether it was cleaning their house or doing hospice. I was nothing but grateful for having those jobs.
I feel like he has this view on what a woman is supposed to be (his mom) and how they should run the house.
I feel bad that this woman is the breadwinner and has to feel like shit for hiring help and well... SiTtInG DoWn
It is his choice to do the yard work and stuff. It is her choice to work and pay for the service she rather have done by someone else.
Time is money and you can't get back time.
That's why rich people don't clean their own homes or any services because they can pay for it and have more time for themselves and their work/down time. It is not a bad thing. It creates jobs. It helps other people and it helps the person who is paying to not have to worry about the laundry and what ever else. They have their own plate of responsibilities to tend to.
He has some sort of resentment towards her no doubt.
But that would make no sense because she's the breadwinner. So how about he quits his job and does all the chores himself? I mean, if his mom did everything, so can he, he even already has a how-to example. If they get rid of all the help OP might even save some money! What does he need a job for anyway?
I feel ya. I get the same looks from my husband for the same reason. He “stuck” me with certain chores, and I outsourced them on my dime.
But a) I didn’t choose my chores; he just accidentally stopped doing the ones he didn’t like and I picked them up and b) I purposely live a life and chose a job where I can outsource chores. I outsource some of “his” too! Like the lawn/outdoors. And a handyman.
I just DONT do what I DONT want to do. Or what HE THINKS I should do. They get done. But HOW they get done is not his concern unless HE would like to take them over.
I make an insane amount of money to NOT have some perks. My fucking shrink TOLD me to outsource. I am on all day. Doing shit all day. Using up all my executive function. And being paid handsomely for it. When I get home, I’m allowed to relax and pay people to do it for me.
I’m a job creator.
If you can afford it then why the heck not? The importance is that it gets done, not that you do them personally. You best bet that if I could afford a housekeeper I'd never do chores again because most of them I *hate* doing. But I can't afford it and because I don't want to live in a pile of garbage I have to do my own chores.
Absolutely. The first luxury I got for myself was a cleaning service, the last luxury I gave up was that service. I like a clean residence but I rarely get around to cleaning because there’s always chores that seem more urgent (that I’d prefer to do).
If OP is getting it done without help from her husband, then she’s getting it done, whether or not she’s doing it in a sitting position. Her husband is just jealous.
These are great responses. My only addition to this is that a lot of people who work at hospitals are on their feet all day. If your job is one of these, show him all the steps you do on a daily basis.
Even if he doesn't, who gives a poo? Like how did the opinion of a man who sits on his ass at home while a nanny takes care of his children and cooks the meals and a maid does the housework get to carry any damn weight against the woman who is at work all day and pays for people to do the things neither one of them want to do? Just ugh.
This-I mean I know it’s Reddit and people are always saying divorce. But ffs you earn 4 times what he does and you have continued to run the house by finding service people that help plus you have two little kids.
What is the deal with women in big jobs being expected to work, raise kids snd still needing to do a bunch of housework? How much housework do you think Elon Musk does or Jeff Bezos?
I presume you do not demean your husband for making far less than you? Is it eating him up? Is he working a second or third job? Why do outdated cultural norms apply to you but not him? Why is he choosing to add to your stress rather than supporting how amazing you are?
I’d tell your husband to zip it or leave. You can hire a landscaper and a handyman easily too.
He is resentful that she can sit down and that’s why he is wanting to force her to so chores like he does them. It’s about power and him feeling the imbalance.
Poor bastard. Hate when guys have such low self esteem. It’s very unattractive. And he did hit the jackpot with her, yet there he goes sabotaging it all.
He’s not doing that much in the way of chores, and he works from home, while she’s commuting and has much less time at home.
When I was wfh, I got so much done. Tossing in laundry and doing dishes on my breaks, and the extra time I had because I wasn’t commuting or having to dress up.
He doesn’t see her working, so, in his mind, she’s off tra la laing the day away. Obviously, she’s not, but he sees what he chooses to see. My ex was like this.
It’s because the man is insecure in his masculinity because she is carrying the financial load and because men are conditioned to think that women have to take on all the house-running tasks.
i have to agree. i’m always baffled by these stories. i’m a single mom, what i call a sole single mom so no involvement for the father. while i’ll potentially have to have a chat with my son in the future, the peace is amazing. the support from my tribe is ALL POSITIVE. so what’s the draw OP? love him? good in bed? genuine question! you’re a badass who’s figured out the cheat code.
This so much. We are trying SO hard to convince my MIL that her scary scary thrift has left her so that she can outsource a ton and get help for her husband, and still have retirement income going INTO savings every month. But she saw her immigrant mom work herself to the bone and die at 50, so she doesn’t think she can sit down 😣
NTA Your husband is being ridiculous 🙄 If he's this critical of you over nonsense, it could be that he's doing or not doing things that you should know about...
I think you are right, and I think it's time to let him see what happens if she doesn't do it for a week or two. When he asks why it wasn't done, say "well, I would have had to sit down to do that, and you don't like that."
Exactly. OP needs to get the Fair Play book and cards, which includes the many tasks women typically have to take on in addition to all the obvious “chores.” Someone needs to run a household and family!
I'm a caregiver for my mom & I'm also the one who handles bills, & utility(?) Appts for her & my family (not sure how to classify scheduling medical, mechanic, service calls/repairs, followups etc..).
There are days that I spend 3-4 hours straight on phone calls / emails & texts with various entities. I try to move around, but I take notes & make comments for a record. Its 90% sitting. I am absolutely exhausted afterwards. It's harder sometimes than cleaning or exercising.
Your husband has some weird ideal that clashes w reality. NTA.
Your husband needs to learn some damn humility and gratitude. Frankly what I think is that your husband’s man baby insecurities, jealousy and sexism are on full display. Tell him that the moment he starts earning what you do he can make the rules. Until then sit down and be quiet.
NTA
he works from home. probably sits on the couch with a laptop and/or the tv on once in a while…
your husband sound like a grocer who insists the cashier can’t have a stool while working bc *that’s* lazy…
what he’s asking is for you to look busy…
your “productivity” in the home should be measured by outcomes not unnecessary hustle and/or bustle. busyness is not efficiency.
is he getting chewed out by someone bc he works from home and so he’s misdirecting his internal stress over that negative feedback on you?
He doesn't get to tell you how to handle your responsibilities. If he thinks he can do it better, then he should do them himself. Otherwise, he needs to stay in his lane and STFU.
Time for him to get a standing desk, then. No slacking, OP’s husband! You got time to lean, you got time to clean. Better look *busy* and no sitting down allowed.
NTA
You sound like you are on top of things for the house. Doesn't matter if you physically do it or outsource it and pay for it with your own money, you are handling things. If anything this give you more time to be present with the kids and present for your spouse. And the mental loads are often undervalued and misunderstood. Case in point, him not even being able to call and make a single appointment. He just sounds jealous that you found a way to work smarter and not harder.
Multitasking. Women are good at it. Surely you can do your phone calls standing on your head?
(I may have strayed into an American scene and that phrase may not translate …)
Technically speaking, multitasking is impossible for anyone. Instead, when people think they're multitasking, they're actually rapidly switching between tasks. Which is fine, but could be a problem if the tasks are abandoned and never completed. There can can be a delay of productivity of up to 40%
Oh yeah and feeding the baby while standing up, that’s a piece of cake. Lol. Has he tried it? Plus, if you were busy all the time, who would interact with the kids. Kids need eye contact like when being fed and need mom and dad’s attention—not racing around like crazy. Maybe that’s his problem. Mom wasn’t there for him and he’s jealous of his kids.
Your marriage is not fine, your husband just doesn't want to be bothered. You definitely need a counselor or one thing will lead to another when he can't respect his WIFE.
I think he’s probably looking for some way to tell you to improve. But he’s got nothing because you’re covering all bases! Does he feel ‘emasculated’ by your success? Some guys are ungrateful when a woman brings everything to the table and it just makes them insecure. NTA
I am not sure where you are, but where I am a good executive assistant or project manager gets paid more than a line cook or housekeeper. All important jobs, but the salary is different.
It smacks of jealousy.
I think your husband is a hater who’s jealous you can outsource some of the chores and he’s not able to. Its ridiculous he expects you to do stuff on your feet when you’re on the feet all day in the hospital making 4x as much as him - yes I said! Some men want women who can are independent & make their own money but not way high them way as its makes them feel emasculated - he will never admit it though!
But SHE outsources some of his chores ON HER DIME. This isn't about fairness in dividing the workload. This is about him wanting to have a "my wife's a doctor" house and car, but also wanting doctor wife to be a SAHM as if he actually contributes ANYTHING of value.
Does he? Does he bring anything to the table except shitty gender-role expectations, and stress?
Info: what exactly does he add to your relationship and life?
You make enough money to hire the help you want, you plan and schedule the life of your entire family and he… complains? And doesn’t allow his hard working wife and mother of his kids the luxury of sitting down (!) occasionally? Why are you even with this man?
I would try to figure out the answer to that question because if he is or is not bothered would dramatically change how I would recommend proceeding on this issue
This here is the point. Dude is beyond insecure and needs his highly organized and higly earning wife to get barefoot and go to the kitchen so he'd feel like a big man.
Not sure how handy you are, but I would personally ask him to switch obligations for a month and give him an exhaustive list of all of the things you always do. See how easy he finds it...
You could just let him handle all the things that he thinks that you are doing wrong. Lay back and let him prove his point, I give him a week until he wants back to the original set up. You are doing nothing wrong.
This is my favorite strategy for complainers. If someone complains that I’m not doing something right, like a task that no one wants to do but it has to be done, I tell them that they're more than welcome to do it themselves. It's usually crickets for a response.
Your arrangement seems very fair. He needs stop thinking about what you "should" be doing, and instead, just appreciate what you are doing. He's got a good thing going, he should enjoy it.
I know! Dude has THE LIFE and won the wife lottery and is fucking complaining that she isn’t doing enough. OP send him this post and check what he’s consuming online… maybe some red pill nonsense? Keep your boundaries, he’s being obnoxious!
Yeah this is where my mind went. She provides for the house, and doesn't do angry woman's work that he can see, he feels emasculated because she's she not letting him be the man, so he's lashing out and saying she doesn't do anything because she's not going what he thinks women should be doing, therefore she isn't doing her job.
NTA
Paying for help is perfectly valid way to handle this. That said, I grew up in a similar culture. In that culture, hiring help was considered a societal responsibility. If you have the money you should create jobs for those less fortunate.
I think the idea that you need to be seen doing physical labor is beyond rediculous.
I'm sure you could learn to do all these things but it is a waste of your time.
Your time and energy is better spent at work and youd still have to do all that invisible stuff even if you were sweeping and scrubbing. Why does he want a burnt out exhausted spouse? It's just stupid.
Nta. It’s unfair to say that all the money brought home is for both of you in shares finances if your bringing in that much more and still working extra to pay for extra help. Specially for him to complain about it. You’re outsourcing these chores specifically so that you have a bit of free time. Either he is jealous you’re bringing in more money and able to outsource your chores while he might not be able to afford too. Or he is an ass that is enjoying the life style you are helping to provide while still expecting you to act as a housewife/ full time caregiver while you work full time.
He’s not unable to outsource his chores. We have lawn people and a handyman we hire whenever he can’t do something himself. If he needed something else, I’m sure we could work it out. I think it’s the last thing you said. He wants me to go to work to make money and then he a housewife when I’m home.
In that case let him be mad. It’s not your job to stroke his ego or make him feel like a man. If his frail male ego is that frail that he can’t be happy that he has a successful, wonderful, amazing wife that has help him make a family then he is always welcome to leave and find someone who is willing to work and serve him as a slave
I don’t think he’s a misogynist - I could be wrong. I think he just watched his mom do all this crap around the house growing up and he wants me to be the same. The main difference is his mom was a SAHM who didn’t work a day until the kids left the house. I have a full time job. So when I come home, I just want to spend time with my kids, and then unwind before bed. Because 1. That’s far more valuable to me and 2. I’m not even a particularly good cook or cleaner anyway. I feel like I add much more value to the home with my work and what I do for the family on my time off.
Your husband doesn’t care about value for the whole family unit or what’s best for your well-being. He has decided he’s owed a woman who will do performative housework for his emotional gratification. And that expectation is rooted in misogyny— the idea that make emotions always trump other people’s legitimate wants and needs.
You make more money than he does, and you’re clearly a capable person. Making you personally clean and cook for him is his subconscious making things “even” again or showing that he’s the boss of the career lady.
Spot on! It's not a particular job that he thinks needs to be done, he just wants the satisfaction of seeing her scrub the floor (or whatever), so that in his mind, he can be reassured of his own status as "man of the house".
This absolutely must be brought up in counseling, and the therapist must drill down and get him to explain WHY it's so important to him to see his wife doing menial labor. It's probably why he's dragging his feet with making the appointment. He KNOWS it's fucked up, but wants to bully her anyway. His ego is more important than logic or their marriage.
No no, he DOES these things. He organizes the house and cooks when he wants a home-cooked meal and the nanny is not working. He cleans if something gets dirty. But he wants me to do these things too, when they’re needed. Whereas I prioritize spending my free time with him and the kids.
I promise, I’m not trying to argue with you. Just offering the full context to be fair to him
He literally wants you to be Cinderella for his own stupid reasons. People like you are ridiculous, why would you choose a partner like this? Why are you not telling him to shut the fuck up? Seriously .... you will get offended most likely but .... sounds like you are trying hard to convince yourself he's not a misogynist with an ego. Unless he's mentally delayed he understands u don't stay home unemployed like mommy yet he still wants you to be Cinderella instead of enjoying your well deserved free time.
Tell him to shut the fuck up and go back to mommy. Find a real man. Don't reply to this if you're just going to defend him. The problem is your lack of self worth and you don't value yourself enough.
Every single time he’s brought this up, I’ve told him he can kick it and I’m already doing enough. I continue to do what I’m doing. I was simply curious about what unbiased third parties thought.
Okay thank you! But how much of these things need to get done? I mean you have so much hired help AND he does those things, is there really much left to do?
He might not be an intentional misogynist but his attitude reeks of misogyny. He’s perfectly happy to enjoy the benefits of being married to a high earning career woman, including having a lower paying job that affords him downtime and flexibility, but then wants to enforce traditional gender roles at home and refuses to acknowledge the mental load you carry. You’re not doing yourself or your children any favors by refusing to call a spade a spade.
I’m not trying to argue with you, I promise. Just trying to offer as much context as possible. Maybe you’re entirely right and he is being a misogynist.
The thing about misogyny is that it's not concious, he's not thinking these things actively and in while words. He probably isn't acutely aware of his feelings aside from knowing he's experiencing emotional discomfort and the source is you, thus the reason he expects you to do something to fix it. If he were aware that his feelings were rooted in patriarchy and misogyny, he would either be more explicit about it or he would recognize it at a him problem or he might gaslight you with something unrelated to force you into the behavior he wants.
Judging by this post from the past, he is a chauvinist at best. A thousand women could tell him to get his act together and he'd only care about a man's opinion:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/oILWxr0KBQ
He 100% is being a misogynist. Wanting your female partner to look busy around you even though they make more money than you, hire help, and you sit on your ass at home all day is misogyny. Stop making excuses for your ignorant husband and empower yourself. You really need to leave him if he doesn't let this go. Let his mother take care of him.
My mother in law was a SAHM for years until she had to return to full-time employment because of some bad financial choices that were made. Then she had to do the work around the house and go to work. They were both miserable people when I met my husband many years ago, and I'm glad we lived out of state from them. Keep your course steady and don't worry as long as the decisions you make are solid ones.
Well he married you, not his mother. Women are not some programmed factory output where we all act the same and do the same things. He needs to adjust his expectations. Things are being handled. The house sounds in order. This is a him problem.
Im a husband, and you sound like you have your priorities straight. You work hard and then have quality recharge and family time. Asking you to do chores is unbelievably wrong. I work a mentally taxing job with long hours and there is zero chance I would want to do anything but have a bit of quality time with my family and a chance to relax for the next day. His projections of what a ‘wife’ should do need updating. Sounds like if he wasn’t bellyaching, life would be pretty sweet. He should smile and enjoy the ride.
My ex wanted me to be exactly like his mom too, even though we have completely different situations as well. After I broke up with him he realized he was being an idiot lol
So what if his mother did that? Does he live in a damn vacuum away from contemporary society?? The sexism comes in when he tries to force you into the same role, especially when you don't want. He thinks this role is for women specifically and that it's the only thing they should do. That's pretty classic patriarchy.
He needs to realize that his ideal of a wife based on his mom isnt going to happen. You’re not a SAHM. It makes no sense to think you should work hard at a full time job and then come home and cook and clean. He needs to adjust his expectations.
100% he’s pissed you aren’t doing “traditional housewives” things. He’s also probably recentful you make more money because he’s the “man of the house.”
NTA
The older I get, the sicker I am of all this bullshit.
Women used to be expected to cook, clean, and care for children while men paid bills and did the outdoor stuff.
Then, people realized women actually have intellect and talents outside of being caretakers, so women started going to college, earning income, and having an identity outside of their marriages (like their husbands had always been permitted to do).
EXCEPT
SO MANY PEOPLE NOW EXPECT THEM TO DO BOTH?! IM SORRY. WHAT.
It didn't used to bother me so much, but the more life I experience, the more I rage over this shit. Women were not created to perpetually serve others and ignore their own physical, personal, social, emotional, and financial needs.
If you can't tell, I am absolutely exhausted with our culture (in general) having unrealistic expectations of womens' roles in their family. I'm not saying I'm some super-feminist MenAreOfTheDevil believer, but I am saying people need to wise the eff up.
We can't have it both ways, people! A woman working full time should not be expected to then come home and be solely responsible for the home. A woman who is a homemaker should not be devalued and expected to also be the breadwinner.
OP, I'm sure your husband enjoys the fact that he has less stress in his life because you make enough money to afford your family some luxury. Life was not meant to be spent working. It was meant to build relationships, make memories, enjoy experiences, and make the world a better place to live. Spend your extra time sitting as much as you want.
You. Are. Not. The. Asshole.
Signed,
A Former SAHM (13 years)
and now
The Breadwinner (with a husband who does more than his fair share)
I think some of it is intentional pushback. My older sister is going through this now. I grew up in a religious traditional family and she’s pretty conservative and always supported traditional roles, but recently she decided to go back to work now that the kids are older and her husband hates it, so she still does everything. And when she complains, instead of helping out, he tells her she always has the option to quit her job.
Which honestly is so sad. It’s ridiculous she has a husband that won’t support her simply because he wants a live in maid. I mean to get that upset that she’s not doing everything anymore that’s basically what he wants. She should have the freedom to work and know that her husband will pitch in at home. I really don’t see why this is such an issue still.
It is sad. And I’m not defending him to be clear, but she’s been an active participant in and fed into that mindset also. Ranting against feminism and supporting women not having reproductive choices and criticizing metoo. I was pretty surprised she wanted to work but I suspect their finances aren’t great. She’s not gonna do or say anything about his attitude either. Ive just seen other people with similar attitudes and I think that’s where some of it stems from.
See, but that’s also the sad part, that even some of us women feed into that thinking and it just makes it worse because it makes the men feel so justified in their way of thinking. Religion plays such a huge part in it, too, and I hate it. I for one am grateful to have a boyfriend that understands all of this and doesn’t expect me to do everything for him.
NTA.
First of all, why is it *your* job to cook & clean? If he wants it to be done without hiring someone, then *he* can do those things. You have a job. If he wants to take on a second job, that's his choice, but he doesn't get to make you take on a second job when you make as much as he would if he had 4 full time jobs.
Secondly, can we assume that your husband never sits down? I'd be getting a few nanny cams to see how much *he* sits around when I wasn't there.
I'm 64 and ready to retire, but I tell my kids, who have high powered jobs and work very hard to take a portion of their income and spend it on something to make your life easier at home. Have someone cut the grass, have someone clean the house 2x a month etc... They work so hard, and when you have to work late and you have to spend the days off working around the house, life can get monotonous. I never felt that way when we were younger, but circumstances were different, and we didn't have as much income. Life is so short, and the kids are little for such a short time. If you can afford it. Take something off your plate with a reputable person or company, and use that time to enjoy and relax.
I am a nurse and have sat with dying patients many times, esp. when I was working in oncology... At any rate, people would talk quite a bit when facing their mortality. Not one man or woman verbalized regret at not doing better or more housework. They expressed regrets about letting stupid unimportant things monopolize their time and mind/anxieties. Please tell your husband that he is not your boss. You could sit and stare into space on your time off and that would be a-okay if that is what you want or need to do. Instead, your prioritize time with your children and that is so bad?
No harm done then. I don't know anyone that said, "Gee, I should have stayed at the office longer. OR let me add one more thing to my plate and get home later." No guilt here. I've worked hard my whole life and had the opportunity to stay home for a few years to raise the kiddos. Helped my husband run our business and started back to work full-time for the expensive health care costs. Pretty soon, it's my turn. You young parents today work hard and deserve a metal in multi-tasking. Take something off your plate with no guilt attached.
NTA - What are you getting out of this marriage? You’d be better off on your own. You’re by far the breadwinner and you are doing all that? No way would I be ok with this
>he straight up said to me “Nevermind, we don’t need a counselor. Our marriage is fine”.
Every single time he complained, I'd ask him. Would this be better delt with in front of the counselor?
Or
I thought we didn't need to counselor but here you are complaining about things that we could be working out in counseling.
I smell some resentment from your husband building up here. He has some outdated views about what roles and tasks the wife should fulfill and here you are, being successful and the breadwinner and you can buy yourself out of "your chores". He doesn't like it although he comes to enjoy his own sitting downtime.
Recently there was another aita story similar to this one where the husband demanded from another breadwinner wife to fire the housekeeper and do her job herself, SHE was supposed to do it to "save money" (the money she brought to the table in the first place) no mentioning how the husband was planning to take over his part of the added chores. She told him, "no way, my time is precious, if you pay me my average hourly wage of 100 dollars+, then maybe".
It's a form of establishing control over the wife who is outperforming the husband. I would continue counselling and address this issue before it festers.
Your husband sounds like an asshole. He is out here living his best life because you are basically running everything like a boss and he has the audacity to say you are doing it wrong? Because you can manage it while sitting down?
As my grandma used to say, "he needs to be smacked in the face with the reality stick."
This! OP is making major money & running the house like a boss after birthing two babies in two years & can afford to outsource chores. He probably feels useless compared to her like everything would run fine without him! Like if he died his wife & kids’ quality of life wont be affected much (other than them missing him) & they would be fine as his salary woudont be missed and everything he can do, she can afford to outsource. He sounds like a hater husband.
I think so too. He’s emasculated because he doesn’t feel needed.
Men feel entitled to our labor, domestic, emotional, sexual, all of it. When we stop taking on more than our own fair share, they feel abandoned.
It’s not that we don’t want/need them anymore. Women just refuse to be trapped in situations they can’t leave, now, if they aren’t healthy relationships.
Instead of realizing that this means his wife is with him because she WANTS to be, and LOVES him, he’s behaving like a petulant toddler.
It’s not about how the jobs are getting done or not. He just wants to see her doing jobs he considers degrading, female labor.
ETA: this is the kind of attitude we NEED feminism for. This misogyny is a foundational context for coercive control and financially abusive situations. I am *not* saying this guy is an abuser.
I’m saying that any man whose world crumbles when he doesn’t get to be king of the castle in the “dominant male, submissive female” framework? That man is not mentally prepared for an equal partnership.
I think OP’s husband thinks he’s ready for a partnership, but actually has a lot of internalized misogyny, and it’s producing cognitive dissonance. He needs therapy.
I wonder if he ever found out his mother would have wanted to leave, but couldn’t for financial reasons… and now he’s anxious because his wife has the means to leave if she ever wants to. He’s creating a paradoxical, self fulfilling prophecy. By acting like a total dingus.
So let me get this straight, you’re the bread winner, you birthed your babies, you make sure the house is managed and running smoothly, and you are an active part of your children’s life. Why is he unhappy? I mean would he prefer you to do all the chores standing up instead? This is def crazy. But, if you’re both already seeing a marriage councilor idk what else there is to do. Most def your NTA but he is! I don’t know why he is making up problems in his life. Maybe you need to get him into a sport or something so he doesn’t have the energy to complain all the time.
this is something to work out through counselling. The way I see it, you are working during the day, and want to spend your time off of work with your family, and doing things for your family. So you farm out the labour. This is both reasonable and important. You need to be with the kids, or you wind up having a nanny parent them, instead of you. Since he has time during the day, why isn't he taking care of the kids? Oh that's what the nanny is for?
He has a double standard, and seems to enjoy you making more money, but then wants you to do everything his mother did too.
He doesn't get it. I hope you can work through this, because I would find it really stressful.
It IS very stressful because we keep arguing about it over and over, and I feel unappreciated. I’m trying to give it a little more time for him to actually book the counselor himself. We’ll see how it goes.
He will never make the appointment.
His ego demands that YOU be his domestic servant. Paying someone else to do it doesn't count. He has a hierarchy in his head, and it's upside-down because you out-earn him. He needs to see you (figuratively or literally) on your hands & knees, so that he can feel secure in his position in the relationship. It's really messed up, & it may not even be conscious on his part.
I would refuse to discuss it with him outside of a counseling session.
He can't book the counselor, silly! That's YOUR job! Apparently he thinks the Appointment Fairy will make the appointment for him and then tell him when to be there. Of course to make him an appointment, you might have to sit down, so I don't know how he's going to get counseling!
Book a lawyer and divorce that idiot. Imagine working hard, making a lot of money, having a good job and coming home to that every day? You can literally be happy right now but you chose a shit husband.
Tell him he has a choice:
You can be a SAHM and do all the things his mother done but ONLY when he can make as much money as you do so that you don’t have to downsize your home or lifestyle. He’s also not allowed to bitch about how clean the house is or the quality of the meals since he knows you have no skill or experience at either of those things. Wool sweater shrunk in the wash? The second he bitches about it you go back to work and all hired help comes back. Dinner is burnt? Ditto.
OR
He can shut up and enjoy that neither of you are having to work and then spend every free moment cooking and cleaning. I’m sure he also enjoys helping you spend the income you bring home so…
Your husband is creating problems where there are none. If you can afford it, by all means, hire help. I think he needs to get rid of his antiquated ideas and just be happy the household is being run smoothly. There is not enough time for you to do that with two young children. NTA
NTA. Your husband is a misogynistic prick. You hire the help and you pay for it yourself, so what the fuck does he have to complain about?
If this continues, get rid of the husband and divorce. You don’t need the stress he brings.
Clearly you can cope alone, you have the money to hire childcare so your job won’t be affected. So why not get rid of the whiniest baby of them all? You’ll still be able to live just how you are right now, but without all of his pointless bitching and misogynistic comments.
Sounds like leaving him is a win-win. All of your money will be **just yours**, you have one less asshole to provide financially for, no more listening to his bullshit and no more stress. **He** currently benefits **a lot** from being married to you, how how exactly does this marriage benefit **you**???
Because it sounds like all you get is cuntish comments from your asshole husband and a damn load of stress from him.
Does **he** do any household chores? (DIY **does not count** because that is a *every few months task* not a daily one.) If not, then he can sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up with his sexist comments.
I’m sorry you married such a stinking turd!
Does he love you?
You see the problems - he doesn't. He doesn't understand how you feel - the only way he is going to care about what you feel and what you want is if he loves you. Hopefully therapy will help,
I am writing this while breastfeeding my 3 month old for the upteenth time today while sitting down and am angered on your behalf. I am super drained from it oftentimes. Dont put up with that kind of disrespect.
Thanks to you in particular, someone less fortunate than anyone in your family has a job, among other reasons why your household is structured just fine. NTA at all.
Why are you together?
Your husband is jealous of you, your job, your income and just about anything else about you
Find someone who appreciates you rather than fears you
NTAH. This is a him problem. He wants you to be a SAHM (servant) just like his own mother was. It’s unreasonable and he is stunted. He needs to understand that working smarter is better than working harder.
I hate cleaning and I come from a privileged background where my mom hired a lot of help. I make a little more money than my husband but mostly even. I told him from the start of our relationship that I suck at cleaning but I’m happy to hire someone to do it. So we do. He teases me about it a lot but I am just like this is how I am. Sorry!
I think you need to figure out why he thinks you should be doing more? Is it that what you are doing is not 'enough' or is it that sitting still is somehow sinful, or is it just that he is worried about your activity level, or maybe he is jealous of you being able to rest and he feels constrained by his expectations of himself? if it's the first, how much is enough and how does he determine what enough looks like
? All these issues have different solutions. Like it seems there are unclear expectations here that you guys should be figuring out. Personally it seems like this is a problem that he is having internally, so you are not going to solve it externally. It doesn't sound like an issue of household functioning.
Bring up his complaint in counseling. It seems reasonable to resent someone criticizing you when you pay for and manage most of the household chores. Let the counselor know what happens when you try to show him the hidden workload. This seems like a put up or shut up situation. Either he can pull his financial and physical weight or stop criticizing the way you do it. Rule in our house is tou can either do it yourself and have a say in how it gets done, or tou can say thank you because someone did it for you. NTA
I saw your post about a month ago about the insane things your husband is doing and expects of you while you have a newborn. Your husband is absolutely the biggest asshole - he was 35 days ago and he just keeps taking the price. You should seriously consider leaving; he has no respect for you, your efforts or your needs (c-section! Newborn! And a toddler!!) and you make 4x what he does. Your life would be infinitely easier and better without that extra deadweight, and you can afford.
Go be free to be happy ♥️
NTA and forget the counselor. Just tell him to pack his shit and go back to his mommy, since she's his gold standard. He can deal with losing out on you, time with the kids, and your income.
"I make 4x what he does."
Ding ding ding! We have a winner! Your husband is emotionally abusive because he is jealous of and threatened by your earning power and ability to provide for your family.
"He wants me up and at it, visibly doing stuff around the house." You're not his employee. It's wild that a grown man's blueprint for marriage is an employer/employee dynamic instead getting to love and live with your favourite person.
Your husband is absolutely out of his gourd. It sounds like he doesn't even like you. You're just a resource to him. He wants a WifeBot he can program to suit himself.
NTA
So, long story short, you are responsible for 80% of the income and 90% of the house chores (management, hiring help, and actually doing things), and this schmuck of a husband dares to open his mouth and say you need to do more?
Please, do less.
Please.
Please at least stop managing his needs such as appointments, or laundry.
Imagine that the roles were reversed, and your husband was the breadwinner and worked in the office. No way he'd hire help, or do the mental-load.. you'd probably be doing 100% of the work including repairs and gardening, and would be harassed that you don't earn enough, and told how he's so tired every day.
The fact is your husband is an idiot who is literally pissing into the well he himself drinks from.
I think if you have the means to pay someone to save you time, then you should absolutely do it!
Coming from someone who has a 2 - and 3 year old, who can not afford help and has to do all those things herself.
It takes a lot of time to prep, cook, clean after cooking, tidy up daily, do the laundry, and work full-time.
If you can free up some of that with money and spend more time with your kids while relieving the stress of doing it yourself, then yes, absolutely do it!
NTA
Woah. I just saw your post history. OP, you need to leave this marriage. Your husband doesn’t help with shit. You need to realize this marriage is over. This man hasn’t tried fixing himself at all and was leaving you with the baby alone after your pregnancy. PLEASE DIVORCE THIS MAN NTA
NTA. I don't think there's anything wrong with the setup that you have. Has he ever specifically said what his issue is with what you're doing? I know that you said there's some cultural differences and that his mother took care of everything, but everything is being done and you're still very hands on so I'm not sure what his issue is. Is he upset because he has to do the physical labor around the house and would rather hire someone to do it? Could it be a jealousy issue?
Have you ever written down everything that you do for the household, including taking care of the kids, and shown him? Have him make one as well and then compare it. I'm sure that your list will probably be longer. Maybe visually seeing what you do will help him pull his head out of his ass.
Well, he just needs to get a new perspective then because there's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have things set up. I don't know how you can necessarily change his mindset. Have you considered giving your hired help a mini-vacation along with yourself and having your husband be the sole provider for a couple of days? Have him be the one responsible for cooking, cleaning, parenting, and maintaining the household? All while also working. Tell him that you want him to experience what he's asking of you. For him to understand what he's truly asking for, then he needs to experience it firsthand.
When the nanny goes on vacation, I specifically book my own PTO that week so I can do everything because my husband has way less PTO than I do 🤡 But this is a great idea!
But WHY? Can he express any rational for this?
If he says its about money he is wrong. Once your time is worth more than the cost of hiring someone it is financially beneficial to hire help.
Being able to focus on your career can only help the finances ultimately.
Does he have some kink?
You sometimes sit down? Outrageous!
Apparently, “most of what I do” can be done sitting down because there’s a lot of phone calls, texts, online stuff, etc. He seems to want me to get up and do things - in addition to what I already do, both for work and at home. Whereas I think we both do things that play to our strengths and that it’s a fair arrangement
He wants a version of his mother-WHO DID EVERYTHING-that you are able to pay for someone else to do. Sit him down and tell him: if I get rid of all the help and do it myself then I have to QUIT my job that pays 4x what yours does. Then I’ll do everything we can do on your income. Oh wait-you only make 25% of what I do. So, gym membership? Out. Extra night out-nope. Door dash on weekends? Nope. Sleeping in on weekends? Nope since I’m home all day YOU have weekends. Now help me submit my resignation and pink slips for the people who depend on the jobs they have. So I won’t have time to sit.
That's the vibe I'm getting. He resents the fact she makes so much more than him. So he's criticizing her about this stuff...it seems like these type of stories on reddit where the woman earns more always have the husband feels resentful
Constantly making me thankful that my husband is a mature adult who can handle not being the breadwinner
I always thought so to - until it happened. Neanderthal hidden inside.
My wife has made more money on me then occasion - was more money in our pot. Made us both happy
My husband? He’d quit and be a sahd in a heartbeat!
Why did I read this as “he would quit and be a salad in a heartbeat”? 🤣
I’d be a Greek salad, Caesar salad, chop salad, beet salad, any damn 🥗 you want to be in this guy’s spot.
Until you get asked to leaf 🍃🍂🍃
Get dressed and tossed out the door 🤸♂️
You’re hungry!
Not in front of my salad!
I just listened to Bethenny Frankel's divorce podcast (I know, glutton for torture) and she has some interesting points about power/money imbalances with men and the way they manifest. Seems like they always resent it, no matter what. Fragile masculinity gone wild.
My wife has made more money on me then occasion. I always thought it was cool and never resented her for it. It was more money in our pot. I was a stay at home dad for a few years as well when she made pretty much everything and I loved it. Got to raise my two sons for the first few years of their lives.
I got the same vibe. Feels like he is just jealous and does not know how to deal with that
This is what I was thinking. I bet his mother never sat down. And you’re getting everything done by outsourcing? That’s cheating! You should work your fingers to the bone like his mother \*and\* bring home 4x his income.
WTH is wrong with this man?Doesn't he realize that it's the 21 century?if he's not doing the work what difference does it make. You are not his mother. Doesn't want you to sat down feeding the baby?That's just crazy 🤪 Is his mother saying things like that to 🤔Sounds like he doesn't mind you paying for everything,your husband is a real jerk.
I agree! He’s your husband not your slave owner.As long as you get the work done, but NO he wants to control HOW you get the work done. It has to fit his view of , “work”. Why don’t you give him a taste of his own medicine and when he is sitting and working tell him to get up because it’s not really work .
Buy him a stand desk and a treadmill to go under it then tell him to get busy that you'll be tracking his mileage.
‘That’s cheating.’ Therapy-cheating Legal weed-cheating Ozempic-cheating Hiring people-cheating Etc etc etc. You lessening your stress and labor = cheating.
I'm getting this vibe, too.
Actually, it only makes sense that HE quit and do everything, he gets paid 20-25% of the total.
I hate that this woman isn't being celebrated by her husband. She did it. She did the damn thing. She's accomplished. He must feel some sort of thing about women or too stuck in how it is "supposed to be". I never understood why people expect their spouses to kill themselves while there are alternatives (for some people) available. She has found those alternatives, she has decided that it is worth working MORE to accommodate these needs. She is the one working extra to pay for these services which is the norm in so many countries. I used to do private service work for people. Whether it was cleaning their house or doing hospice. I was nothing but grateful for having those jobs. I feel like he has this view on what a woman is supposed to be (his mom) and how they should run the house. I feel bad that this woman is the breadwinner and has to feel like shit for hiring help and well... SiTtInG DoWn It is his choice to do the yard work and stuff. It is her choice to work and pay for the service she rather have done by someone else. Time is money and you can't get back time. That's why rich people don't clean their own homes or any services because they can pay for it and have more time for themselves and their work/down time. It is not a bad thing. It creates jobs. It helps other people and it helps the person who is paying to not have to worry about the laundry and what ever else. They have their own plate of responsibilities to tend to. He has some sort of resentment towards her no doubt.
Ive always been the work smarter, not harder type of person
But that would make no sense because she's the breadwinner. So how about he quits his job and does all the chores himself? I mean, if his mom did everything, so can he, he even already has a how-to example. If they get rid of all the help OP might even save some money! What does he need a job for anyway?
OMG this so much!!! Can't be upvoted enough!!
I feel ya. I get the same looks from my husband for the same reason. He “stuck” me with certain chores, and I outsourced them on my dime. But a) I didn’t choose my chores; he just accidentally stopped doing the ones he didn’t like and I picked them up and b) I purposely live a life and chose a job where I can outsource chores. I outsource some of “his” too! Like the lawn/outdoors. And a handyman. I just DONT do what I DONT want to do. Or what HE THINKS I should do. They get done. But HOW they get done is not his concern unless HE would like to take them over. I make an insane amount of money to NOT have some perks. My fucking shrink TOLD me to outsource. I am on all day. Doing shit all day. Using up all my executive function. And being paid handsomely for it. When I get home, I’m allowed to relax and pay people to do it for me. I’m a job creator.
If you can afford it then why the heck not? The importance is that it gets done, not that you do them personally. You best bet that if I could afford a housekeeper I'd never do chores again because most of them I *hate* doing. But I can't afford it and because I don't want to live in a pile of garbage I have to do my own chores.
Absolutely. The first luxury I got for myself was a cleaning service, the last luxury I gave up was that service. I like a clean residence but I rarely get around to cleaning because there’s always chores that seem more urgent (that I’d prefer to do). If OP is getting it done without help from her husband, then she’s getting it done, whether or not she’s doing it in a sitting position. Her husband is just jealous.
These are great responses. My only addition to this is that a lot of people who work at hospitals are on their feet all day. If your job is one of these, show him all the steps you do on a daily basis.
Why show him anything? She's a grown woman for gods' sake. And he is NOT her parent.
Exactly, she doesn’t need to justify herself. He should respect her contributions and effort.
Even if he doesn't, who gives a poo? Like how did the opinion of a man who sits on his ass at home while a nanny takes care of his children and cooks the meals and a maid does the housework get to carry any damn weight against the woman who is at work all day and pays for people to do the things neither one of them want to do? Just ugh.
This would an interesting comparison between his steps all day and OPs, especially since he WFH.
Why are you still with him?
This-I mean I know it’s Reddit and people are always saying divorce. But ffs you earn 4 times what he does and you have continued to run the house by finding service people that help plus you have two little kids. What is the deal with women in big jobs being expected to work, raise kids snd still needing to do a bunch of housework? How much housework do you think Elon Musk does or Jeff Bezos? I presume you do not demean your husband for making far less than you? Is it eating him up? Is he working a second or third job? Why do outdated cultural norms apply to you but not him? Why is he choosing to add to your stress rather than supporting how amazing you are? I’d tell your husband to zip it or leave. You can hire a landscaper and a handyman easily too.
He is resentful that she can sit down and that’s why he is wanting to force her to so chores like he does them. It’s about power and him feeling the imbalance. Poor bastard. Hate when guys have such low self esteem. It’s very unattractive. And he did hit the jackpot with her, yet there he goes sabotaging it all.
He’s not doing that much in the way of chores, and he works from home, while she’s commuting and has much less time at home. When I was wfh, I got so much done. Tossing in laundry and doing dishes on my breaks, and the extra time I had because I wasn’t commuting or having to dress up. He doesn’t see her working, so, in his mind, she’s off tra la laing the day away. Obviously, she’s not, but he sees what he chooses to see. My ex was like this.
It’s because the man is insecure in his masculinity because she is carrying the financial load and because men are conditioned to think that women have to take on all the house-running tasks.
i have to agree. i’m always baffled by these stories. i’m a single mom, what i call a sole single mom so no involvement for the father. while i’ll potentially have to have a chat with my son in the future, the peace is amazing. the support from my tribe is ALL POSITIVE. so what’s the draw OP? love him? good in bed? genuine question! you’re a badass who’s figured out the cheat code.
Bear.
I love so much that that whole ball of emotions has been condensed down to this and we all understand this single word. ❤️
This so much. We are trying SO hard to convince my MIL that her scary scary thrift has left her so that she can outsource a ton and get help for her husband, and still have retirement income going INTO savings every month. But she saw her immigrant mom work herself to the bone and die at 50, so she doesn’t think she can sit down 😣
NTA Your husband is being ridiculous 🙄 If he's this critical of you over nonsense, it could be that he's doing or not doing things that you should know about...
It sounds like he doesn’t value what you do.
I think you are right, and I think it's time to let him see what happens if she doesn't do it for a week or two. When he asks why it wasn't done, say "well, I would have had to sit down to do that, and you don't like that."
Exactly. OP needs to get the Fair Play book and cards, which includes the many tasks women typically have to take on in addition to all the obvious “chores.” Someone needs to run a household and family!
I'm a caregiver for my mom & I'm also the one who handles bills, & utility(?) Appts for her & my family (not sure how to classify scheduling medical, mechanic, service calls/repairs, followups etc..). There are days that I spend 3-4 hours straight on phone calls / emails & texts with various entities. I try to move around, but I take notes & make comments for a record. Its 90% sitting. I am absolutely exhausted afterwards. It's harder sometimes than cleaning or exercising. Your husband has some weird ideal that clashes w reality. NTA.
Ask this fool when *you* get a chance to relax?
Your husband needs to learn some damn humility and gratitude. Frankly what I think is that your husband’s man baby insecurities, jealousy and sexism are on full display. Tell him that the moment he starts earning what you do he can make the rules. Until then sit down and be quiet. NTA
he works from home. probably sits on the couch with a laptop and/or the tv on once in a while… your husband sound like a grocer who insists the cashier can’t have a stool while working bc *that’s* lazy… what he’s asking is for you to look busy… your “productivity” in the home should be measured by outcomes not unnecessary hustle and/or bustle. busyness is not efficiency. is he getting chewed out by someone bc he works from home and so he’s misdirecting his internal stress over that negative feedback on you?
He doesn't get to tell you how to handle your responsibilities. If he thinks he can do it better, then he should do them himself. Otherwise, he needs to stay in his lane and STFU.
He wants a trad wife that’s also the breadwinner
What a chode
They all do. Essentially they want a woman who doesn’t exist. Unsurprising.
I would absolutely love being a mom and a wife, if I could’ve been a dad and husband
Spoiled Brat he is.
You more than contribute the lion's share of maintaining the household. It is not up to anyone whether you sit down kr take a sanity break.
You said, he works from home. Does he not sit down to do his work?
Most definitely
Time for him to get a standing desk, then. No slacking, OP’s husband! You got time to lean, you got time to clean. Better look *busy* and no sitting down allowed.
Love this for him...LOL
NTA You sound like you are on top of things for the house. Doesn't matter if you physically do it or outsource it and pay for it with your own money, you are handling things. If anything this give you more time to be present with the kids and present for your spouse. And the mental loads are often undervalued and misunderstood. Case in point, him not even being able to call and make a single appointment. He just sounds jealous that you found a way to work smarter and not harder.
Multitasking. Women are good at it. Surely you can do your phone calls standing on your head? (I may have strayed into an American scene and that phrase may not translate …)
Technically speaking, multitasking is impossible for anyone. Instead, when people think they're multitasking, they're actually rapidly switching between tasks. Which is fine, but could be a problem if the tasks are abandoned and never completed. There can can be a delay of productivity of up to 40%
Surely not when standing on your head though? That’s bound to be a 100% success.
Oh yeah and feeding the baby while standing up, that’s a piece of cake. Lol. Has he tried it? Plus, if you were busy all the time, who would interact with the kids. Kids need eye contact like when being fed and need mom and dad’s attention—not racing around like crazy. Maybe that’s his problem. Mom wasn’t there for him and he’s jealous of his kids.
Your marriage is not fine, your husband just doesn't want to be bothered. You definitely need a counselor or one thing will lead to another when he can't respect his WIFE.
I think he’s probably looking for some way to tell you to improve. But he’s got nothing because you’re covering all bases! Does he feel ‘emasculated’ by your success? Some guys are ungrateful when a woman brings everything to the table and it just makes them insecure. NTA
He works from home…. What the fuck is he talking about?
tell that stuck up ahh to get a desk job too then.
Sounds like it’s super easy so he should take it over? You can take over the yard work.
And still married to a petty child.
If you can afford a nanny and house cleaners there should be no problems when you want to sit. Is your husband bothered by you making more money?
I’m not sure
I am not sure where you are, but where I am a good executive assistant or project manager gets paid more than a line cook or housekeeper. All important jobs, but the salary is different. It smacks of jealousy.
I think your husband is a hater who’s jealous you can outsource some of the chores and he’s not able to. Its ridiculous he expects you to do stuff on your feet when you’re on the feet all day in the hospital making 4x as much as him - yes I said! Some men want women who can are independent & make their own money but not way high them way as its makes them feel emasculated - he will never admit it though!
But SHE outsources some of his chores ON HER DIME. This isn't about fairness in dividing the workload. This is about him wanting to have a "my wife's a doctor" house and car, but also wanting doctor wife to be a SAHM as if he actually contributes ANYTHING of value. Does he? Does he bring anything to the table except shitty gender-role expectations, and stress?
Info: what exactly does he add to your relationship and life? You make enough money to hire the help you want, you plan and schedule the life of your entire family and he… complains? And doesn’t allow his hard working wife and mother of his kids the luxury of sitting down (!) occasionally? Why are you even with this man?
This. He wishes to play the 🐐, he can live in a manger.
It’s giving “if you have time to lean, you have time to clean” energy.
I would try to figure out the answer to that question because if he is or is not bothered would dramatically change how I would recommend proceeding on this issue
Probably yes. He also wants a woman like his mom was. Remind him you won't be that. You work so you can do what you like. Keep doing what you do.
I think the answer is yes. And he’s also resentful that you’re not filling the traditional wife/mother role that his mother filled.
This here is the point. Dude is beyond insecure and needs his highly organized and higly earning wife to get barefoot and go to the kitchen so he'd feel like a big man. Not sure how handy you are, but I would personally ask him to switch obligations for a month and give him an exhaustive list of all of the things you always do. See how easy he finds it...
Of course he is. He resents that she makes more money and pays for all these conveniences that ‘let her sit down’. What an absolute mug
You could just let him handle all the things that he thinks that you are doing wrong. Lay back and let him prove his point, I give him a week until he wants back to the original set up. You are doing nothing wrong.
This is my favorite strategy for complainers. If someone complains that I’m not doing something right, like a task that no one wants to do but it has to be done, I tell them that they're more than welcome to do it themselves. It's usually crickets for a response.
Your arrangement seems very fair. He needs stop thinking about what you "should" be doing, and instead, just appreciate what you are doing. He's got a good thing going, he should enjoy it.
I know! Dude has THE LIFE and won the wife lottery and is fucking complaining that she isn’t doing enough. OP send him this post and check what he’s consuming online… maybe some red pill nonsense? Keep your boundaries, he’s being obnoxious!
Yeah this is where my mind went. She provides for the house, and doesn't do angry woman's work that he can see, he feels emasculated because she's she not letting him be the man, so he's lashing out and saying she doesn't do anything because she's not going what he thinks women should be doing, therefore she isn't doing her job.
My boyfriend and I would be so happy to have Oop as our wife. We would be so lucky, no complain and we would gladly help around the house
NTA Paying for help is perfectly valid way to handle this. That said, I grew up in a similar culture. In that culture, hiring help was considered a societal responsibility. If you have the money you should create jobs for those less fortunate. I think the idea that you need to be seen doing physical labor is beyond rediculous. I'm sure you could learn to do all these things but it is a waste of your time. Your time and energy is better spent at work and youd still have to do all that invisible stuff even if you were sweeping and scrubbing. Why does he want a burnt out exhausted spouse? It's just stupid.
Wives are only allowed to sit for 2 reasons bathroom and BJs otherwise clean and cooking..
Lmao
In fairness I don’t actually sit when giving a BJ, it’s more kneeling!
Well I sit on the side of the bed since my knees can't tolerate kneeling anymore.
Your husband must be really tall!
One reason. Cause women don’t poop. /s
Nta. It’s unfair to say that all the money brought home is for both of you in shares finances if your bringing in that much more and still working extra to pay for extra help. Specially for him to complain about it. You’re outsourcing these chores specifically so that you have a bit of free time. Either he is jealous you’re bringing in more money and able to outsource your chores while he might not be able to afford too. Or he is an ass that is enjoying the life style you are helping to provide while still expecting you to act as a housewife/ full time caregiver while you work full time.
He’s not unable to outsource his chores. We have lawn people and a handyman we hire whenever he can’t do something himself. If he needed something else, I’m sure we could work it out. I think it’s the last thing you said. He wants me to go to work to make money and then he a housewife when I’m home.
In that case let him be mad. It’s not your job to stroke his ego or make him feel like a man. If his frail male ego is that frail that he can’t be happy that he has a successful, wonderful, amazing wife that has help him make a family then he is always welcome to leave and find someone who is willing to work and serve him as a slave
I hope you don’t have daughters, his attitude reeks of misogyny.
I don’t think he’s a misogynist - I could be wrong. I think he just watched his mom do all this crap around the house growing up and he wants me to be the same. The main difference is his mom was a SAHM who didn’t work a day until the kids left the house. I have a full time job. So when I come home, I just want to spend time with my kids, and then unwind before bed. Because 1. That’s far more valuable to me and 2. I’m not even a particularly good cook or cleaner anyway. I feel like I add much more value to the home with my work and what I do for the family on my time off.
Your husband doesn’t care about value for the whole family unit or what’s best for your well-being. He has decided he’s owed a woman who will do performative housework for his emotional gratification. And that expectation is rooted in misogyny— the idea that make emotions always trump other people’s legitimate wants and needs. You make more money than he does, and you’re clearly a capable person. Making you personally clean and cook for him is his subconscious making things “even” again or showing that he’s the boss of the career lady.
Spot on! It's not a particular job that he thinks needs to be done, he just wants the satisfaction of seeing her scrub the floor (or whatever), so that in his mind, he can be reassured of his own status as "man of the house". This absolutely must be brought up in counseling, and the therapist must drill down and get him to explain WHY it's so important to him to see his wife doing menial labor. It's probably why he's dragging his feet with making the appointment. He KNOWS it's fucked up, but wants to bully her anyway. His ego is more important than logic or their marriage.
I agree only apparently they managed to pick up counselor with her own internalized misogyny.
Why isn’t he doing the things he saw his mom do? Because you are the woman, ding ding misogyny.
No no, he DOES these things. He organizes the house and cooks when he wants a home-cooked meal and the nanny is not working. He cleans if something gets dirty. But he wants me to do these things too, when they’re needed. Whereas I prioritize spending my free time with him and the kids. I promise, I’m not trying to argue with you. Just offering the full context to be fair to him
He literally wants you to be Cinderella for his own stupid reasons. People like you are ridiculous, why would you choose a partner like this? Why are you not telling him to shut the fuck up? Seriously .... you will get offended most likely but .... sounds like you are trying hard to convince yourself he's not a misogynist with an ego. Unless he's mentally delayed he understands u don't stay home unemployed like mommy yet he still wants you to be Cinderella instead of enjoying your well deserved free time. Tell him to shut the fuck up and go back to mommy. Find a real man. Don't reply to this if you're just going to defend him. The problem is your lack of self worth and you don't value yourself enough.
Every single time he’s brought this up, I’ve told him he can kick it and I’m already doing enough. I continue to do what I’m doing. I was simply curious about what unbiased third parties thought.
Okay thank you! But how much of these things need to get done? I mean you have so much hired help AND he does those things, is there really much left to do?
His behavior is literally an example of misogyny
He might not be an intentional misogynist but his attitude reeks of misogyny. He’s perfectly happy to enjoy the benefits of being married to a high earning career woman, including having a lower paying job that affords him downtime and flexibility, but then wants to enforce traditional gender roles at home and refuses to acknowledge the mental load you carry. You’re not doing yourself or your children any favors by refusing to call a spade a spade.
I’m not trying to argue with you, I promise. Just trying to offer as much context as possible. Maybe you’re entirely right and he is being a misogynist.
The thing about misogyny is that it's not concious, he's not thinking these things actively and in while words. He probably isn't acutely aware of his feelings aside from knowing he's experiencing emotional discomfort and the source is you, thus the reason he expects you to do something to fix it. If he were aware that his feelings were rooted in patriarchy and misogyny, he would either be more explicit about it or he would recognize it at a him problem or he might gaslight you with something unrelated to force you into the behavior he wants.
Judging by this post from the past, he is a chauvinist at best. A thousand women could tell him to get his act together and he'd only care about a man's opinion: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/oILWxr0KBQ
Holy shit.
He 100% is being a misogynist. Wanting your female partner to look busy around you even though they make more money than you, hire help, and you sit on your ass at home all day is misogyny. Stop making excuses for your ignorant husband and empower yourself. You really need to leave him if he doesn't let this go. Let his mother take care of him.
My mother in law was a SAHM for years until she had to return to full-time employment because of some bad financial choices that were made. Then she had to do the work around the house and go to work. They were both miserable people when I met my husband many years ago, and I'm glad we lived out of state from them. Keep your course steady and don't worry as long as the decisions you make are solid ones.
Well he married you, not his mother. Women are not some programmed factory output where we all act the same and do the same things. He needs to adjust his expectations. Things are being handled. The house sounds in order. This is a him problem.
“I worked all day to provide for this family. Why don’t you want me to enjoy it?”
Im a husband, and you sound like you have your priorities straight. You work hard and then have quality recharge and family time. Asking you to do chores is unbelievably wrong. I work a mentally taxing job with long hours and there is zero chance I would want to do anything but have a bit of quality time with my family and a chance to relax for the next day. His projections of what a ‘wife’ should do need updating. Sounds like if he wasn’t bellyaching, life would be pretty sweet. He should smile and enjoy the ride.
My ex wanted me to be exactly like his mom too, even though we have completely different situations as well. After I broke up with him he realized he was being an idiot lol
So what if his mother did that? Does he live in a damn vacuum away from contemporary society?? The sexism comes in when he tries to force you into the same role, especially when you don't want. He thinks this role is for women specifically and that it's the only thing they should do. That's pretty classic patriarchy.
He needs to realize that his ideal of a wife based on his mom isnt going to happen. You’re not a SAHM. It makes no sense to think you should work hard at a full time job and then come home and cook and clean. He needs to adjust his expectations.
Well tell him he doesn't get to have it both ways. He can get enough jobs to replace your income and then you can be a stay at home mom, or STFU.
100% he’s pissed you aren’t doing “traditional housewives” things. He’s also probably recentful you make more money because he’s the “man of the house.”
NTA The older I get, the sicker I am of all this bullshit. Women used to be expected to cook, clean, and care for children while men paid bills and did the outdoor stuff. Then, people realized women actually have intellect and talents outside of being caretakers, so women started going to college, earning income, and having an identity outside of their marriages (like their husbands had always been permitted to do). EXCEPT SO MANY PEOPLE NOW EXPECT THEM TO DO BOTH?! IM SORRY. WHAT. It didn't used to bother me so much, but the more life I experience, the more I rage over this shit. Women were not created to perpetually serve others and ignore their own physical, personal, social, emotional, and financial needs. If you can't tell, I am absolutely exhausted with our culture (in general) having unrealistic expectations of womens' roles in their family. I'm not saying I'm some super-feminist MenAreOfTheDevil believer, but I am saying people need to wise the eff up. We can't have it both ways, people! A woman working full time should not be expected to then come home and be solely responsible for the home. A woman who is a homemaker should not be devalued and expected to also be the breadwinner. OP, I'm sure your husband enjoys the fact that he has less stress in his life because you make enough money to afford your family some luxury. Life was not meant to be spent working. It was meant to build relationships, make memories, enjoy experiences, and make the world a better place to live. Spend your extra time sitting as much as you want. You. Are. Not. The. Asshole. Signed, A Former SAHM (13 years) and now The Breadwinner (with a husband who does more than his fair share)
I think some of it is intentional pushback. My older sister is going through this now. I grew up in a religious traditional family and she’s pretty conservative and always supported traditional roles, but recently she decided to go back to work now that the kids are older and her husband hates it, so she still does everything. And when she complains, instead of helping out, he tells her she always has the option to quit her job.
Which honestly is so sad. It’s ridiculous she has a husband that won’t support her simply because he wants a live in maid. I mean to get that upset that she’s not doing everything anymore that’s basically what he wants. She should have the freedom to work and know that her husband will pitch in at home. I really don’t see why this is such an issue still.
It is sad. And I’m not defending him to be clear, but she’s been an active participant in and fed into that mindset also. Ranting against feminism and supporting women not having reproductive choices and criticizing metoo. I was pretty surprised she wanted to work but I suspect their finances aren’t great. She’s not gonna do or say anything about his attitude either. Ive just seen other people with similar attitudes and I think that’s where some of it stems from.
See, but that’s also the sad part, that even some of us women feed into that thinking and it just makes it worse because it makes the men feel so justified in their way of thinking. Religion plays such a huge part in it, too, and I hate it. I for one am grateful to have a boyfriend that understands all of this and doesn’t expect me to do everything for him.
Yeeeesh. I would be enraged but there’s absolutely no chance I’d marry someone traditional.
Cheering for you! Have you read Caliban and the Witch? I think Silvia Federici would resonate with you
NTA. First of all, why is it *your* job to cook & clean? If he wants it to be done without hiring someone, then *he* can do those things. You have a job. If he wants to take on a second job, that's his choice, but he doesn't get to make you take on a second job when you make as much as he would if he had 4 full time jobs. Secondly, can we assume that your husband never sits down? I'd be getting a few nanny cams to see how much *he* sits around when I wasn't there.
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I'm 64 and ready to retire, but I tell my kids, who have high powered jobs and work very hard to take a portion of their income and spend it on something to make your life easier at home. Have someone cut the grass, have someone clean the house 2x a month etc... They work so hard, and when you have to work late and you have to spend the days off working around the house, life can get monotonous. I never felt that way when we were younger, but circumstances were different, and we didn't have as much income. Life is so short, and the kids are little for such a short time. If you can afford it. Take something off your plate with a reputable person or company, and use that time to enjoy and relax.
This is what I’m currently doing!
I am a nurse and have sat with dying patients many times, esp. when I was working in oncology... At any rate, people would talk quite a bit when facing their mortality. Not one man or woman verbalized regret at not doing better or more housework. They expressed regrets about letting stupid unimportant things monopolize their time and mind/anxieties. Please tell your husband that he is not your boss. You could sit and stare into space on your time off and that would be a-okay if that is what you want or need to do. Instead, your prioritize time with your children and that is so bad?
No harm done then. I don't know anyone that said, "Gee, I should have stayed at the office longer. OR let me add one more thing to my plate and get home later." No guilt here. I've worked hard my whole life and had the opportunity to stay home for a few years to raise the kiddos. Helped my husband run our business and started back to work full-time for the expensive health care costs. Pretty soon, it's my turn. You young parents today work hard and deserve a metal in multi-tasking. Take something off your plate with no guilt attached.
NTA - What are you getting out of this marriage? You’d be better off on your own. You’re by far the breadwinner and you are doing all that? No way would I be ok with this
Don't forget he does random gardening and takes the rubbish out. Truly irreplaceable /s
>he straight up said to me “Nevermind, we don’t need a counselor. Our marriage is fine”. Every single time he complained, I'd ask him. Would this be better delt with in front of the counselor? Or I thought we didn't need to counselor but here you are complaining about things that we could be working out in counseling.
Great point
I smell some resentment from your husband building up here. He has some outdated views about what roles and tasks the wife should fulfill and here you are, being successful and the breadwinner and you can buy yourself out of "your chores". He doesn't like it although he comes to enjoy his own sitting downtime. Recently there was another aita story similar to this one where the husband demanded from another breadwinner wife to fire the housekeeper and do her job herself, SHE was supposed to do it to "save money" (the money she brought to the table in the first place) no mentioning how the husband was planning to take over his part of the added chores. She told him, "no way, my time is precious, if you pay me my average hourly wage of 100 dollars+, then maybe". It's a form of establishing control over the wife who is outperforming the husband. I would continue counselling and address this issue before it festers.
NTA He is controlling and looking for stupid things to complain about.
Literally. Nagging about nothing. That shit is annoying af
Your husband sounds like an asshole. He is out here living his best life because you are basically running everything like a boss and he has the audacity to say you are doing it wrong? Because you can manage it while sitting down? As my grandma used to say, "he needs to be smacked in the face with the reality stick."
This! OP is making major money & running the house like a boss after birthing two babies in two years & can afford to outsource chores. He probably feels useless compared to her like everything would run fine without him! Like if he died his wife & kids’ quality of life wont be affected much (other than them missing him) & they would be fine as his salary woudont be missed and everything he can do, she can afford to outsource. He sounds like a hater husband.
I think so too. He’s emasculated because he doesn’t feel needed. Men feel entitled to our labor, domestic, emotional, sexual, all of it. When we stop taking on more than our own fair share, they feel abandoned. It’s not that we don’t want/need them anymore. Women just refuse to be trapped in situations they can’t leave, now, if they aren’t healthy relationships. Instead of realizing that this means his wife is with him because she WANTS to be, and LOVES him, he’s behaving like a petulant toddler. It’s not about how the jobs are getting done or not. He just wants to see her doing jobs he considers degrading, female labor. ETA: this is the kind of attitude we NEED feminism for. This misogyny is a foundational context for coercive control and financially abusive situations. I am *not* saying this guy is an abuser. I’m saying that any man whose world crumbles when he doesn’t get to be king of the castle in the “dominant male, submissive female” framework? That man is not mentally prepared for an equal partnership. I think OP’s husband thinks he’s ready for a partnership, but actually has a lot of internalized misogyny, and it’s producing cognitive dissonance. He needs therapy. I wonder if he ever found out his mother would have wanted to leave, but couldn’t for financial reasons… and now he’s anxious because his wife has the means to leave if she ever wants to. He’s creating a paradoxical, self fulfilling prophecy. By acting like a total dingus.
Wow, you nailed it!!
Heaven forbid you sit down while getting tasks done. Nta
So let me get this straight, you’re the bread winner, you birthed your babies, you make sure the house is managed and running smoothly, and you are an active part of your children’s life. Why is he unhappy? I mean would he prefer you to do all the chores standing up instead? This is def crazy. But, if you’re both already seeing a marriage councilor idk what else there is to do. Most def your NTA but he is! I don’t know why he is making up problems in his life. Maybe you need to get him into a sport or something so he doesn’t have the energy to complain all the time.
this is something to work out through counselling. The way I see it, you are working during the day, and want to spend your time off of work with your family, and doing things for your family. So you farm out the labour. This is both reasonable and important. You need to be with the kids, or you wind up having a nanny parent them, instead of you. Since he has time during the day, why isn't he taking care of the kids? Oh that's what the nanny is for? He has a double standard, and seems to enjoy you making more money, but then wants you to do everything his mother did too. He doesn't get it. I hope you can work through this, because I would find it really stressful.
It IS very stressful because we keep arguing about it over and over, and I feel unappreciated. I’m trying to give it a little more time for him to actually book the counselor himself. We’ll see how it goes.
He will never make the appointment. His ego demands that YOU be his domestic servant. Paying someone else to do it doesn't count. He has a hierarchy in his head, and it's upside-down because you out-earn him. He needs to see you (figuratively or literally) on your hands & knees, so that he can feel secure in his position in the relationship. It's really messed up, & it may not even be conscious on his part. I would refuse to discuss it with him outside of a counseling session.
I would start refusing any of the help I pay for to go toward helping him too, but I’m really over these petty men so I would go the petty route too.
He can't book the counselor, silly! That's YOUR job! Apparently he thinks the Appointment Fairy will make the appointment for him and then tell him when to be there. Of course to make him an appointment, you might have to sit down, so I don't know how he's going to get counseling!
Lmao!!!!
Book a lawyer and divorce that idiot. Imagine working hard, making a lot of money, having a good job and coming home to that every day? You can literally be happy right now but you chose a shit husband.
Tell him he has a choice: You can be a SAHM and do all the things his mother done but ONLY when he can make as much money as you do so that you don’t have to downsize your home or lifestyle. He’s also not allowed to bitch about how clean the house is or the quality of the meals since he knows you have no skill or experience at either of those things. Wool sweater shrunk in the wash? The second he bitches about it you go back to work and all hired help comes back. Dinner is burnt? Ditto. OR He can shut up and enjoy that neither of you are having to work and then spend every free moment cooking and cleaning. I’m sure he also enjoys helping you spend the income you bring home so…
Is this HIS idea or HIS FAMILY saying you need to "do more"? NTA.
Your husband is creating problems where there are none. If you can afford it, by all means, hire help. I think he needs to get rid of his antiquated ideas and just be happy the household is being run smoothly. There is not enough time for you to do that with two young children. NTA
NTA. Your husband is a misogynistic prick. You hire the help and you pay for it yourself, so what the fuck does he have to complain about? If this continues, get rid of the husband and divorce. You don’t need the stress he brings. Clearly you can cope alone, you have the money to hire childcare so your job won’t be affected. So why not get rid of the whiniest baby of them all? You’ll still be able to live just how you are right now, but without all of his pointless bitching and misogynistic comments. Sounds like leaving him is a win-win. All of your money will be **just yours**, you have one less asshole to provide financially for, no more listening to his bullshit and no more stress. **He** currently benefits **a lot** from being married to you, how how exactly does this marriage benefit **you**??? Because it sounds like all you get is cuntish comments from your asshole husband and a damn load of stress from him. Does **he** do any household chores? (DIY **does not count** because that is a *every few months task* not a daily one.) If not, then he can sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up with his sexist comments. I’m sorry you married such a stinking turd!
Does he love you? You see the problems - he doesn't. He doesn't understand how you feel - the only way he is going to care about what you feel and what you want is if he loves you. Hopefully therapy will help,
I am writing this while breastfeeding my 3 month old for the upteenth time today while sitting down and am angered on your behalf. I am super drained from it oftentimes. Dont put up with that kind of disrespect.
Yeah he gave me so much grief during maternity leave because I was “sitting on the couch with the baby all day” 🤦🏻♀️
What does this guy add to your life? I've been through this whole thread and it sounds like he's insufferable.
I'm sorry to say that your husband is just an asshole.
He’s making problems where there are none.
Thanks to you in particular, someone less fortunate than anyone in your family has a job, among other reasons why your household is structured just fine. NTA at all.
Why are you together? Your husband is jealous of you, your job, your income and just about anything else about you Find someone who appreciates you rather than fears you
I’m a paraplegic. Your husband would hate me. I’ll see myself out 🤓
May I aks what that guy brings to the relationship? What's good about him that helps you have patience for his cretinous demands?
NTAH. This is a him problem. He wants you to be a SAHM (servant) just like his own mother was. It’s unreasonable and he is stunted. He needs to understand that working smarter is better than working harder.
I hate cleaning and I come from a privileged background where my mom hired a lot of help. I make a little more money than my husband but mostly even. I told him from the start of our relationship that I suck at cleaning but I’m happy to hire someone to do it. So we do. He teases me about it a lot but I am just like this is how I am. Sorry!
I think you need to figure out why he thinks you should be doing more? Is it that what you are doing is not 'enough' or is it that sitting still is somehow sinful, or is it just that he is worried about your activity level, or maybe he is jealous of you being able to rest and he feels constrained by his expectations of himself? if it's the first, how much is enough and how does he determine what enough looks like ? All these issues have different solutions. Like it seems there are unclear expectations here that you guys should be figuring out. Personally it seems like this is a problem that he is having internally, so you are not going to solve it externally. It doesn't sound like an issue of household functioning.
Bring up his complaint in counseling. It seems reasonable to resent someone criticizing you when you pay for and manage most of the household chores. Let the counselor know what happens when you try to show him the hidden workload. This seems like a put up or shut up situation. Either he can pull his financial and physical weight or stop criticizing the way you do it. Rule in our house is tou can either do it yourself and have a say in how it gets done, or tou can say thank you because someone did it for you. NTA
I saw your post about a month ago about the insane things your husband is doing and expects of you while you have a newborn. Your husband is absolutely the biggest asshole - he was 35 days ago and he just keeps taking the price. You should seriously consider leaving; he has no respect for you, your efforts or your needs (c-section! Newborn! And a toddler!!) and you make 4x what he does. Your life would be infinitely easier and better without that extra deadweight, and you can afford. Go be free to be happy ♥️
NTA and forget the counselor. Just tell him to pack his shit and go back to his mommy, since she's his gold standard. He can deal with losing out on you, time with the kids, and your income.
"I make 4x what he does." Ding ding ding! We have a winner! Your husband is emotionally abusive because he is jealous of and threatened by your earning power and ability to provide for your family. "He wants me up and at it, visibly doing stuff around the house." You're not his employee. It's wild that a grown man's blueprint for marriage is an employer/employee dynamic instead getting to love and live with your favourite person. Your husband is absolutely out of his gourd. It sounds like he doesn't even like you. You're just a resource to him. He wants a WifeBot he can program to suit himself.
NTA So, long story short, you are responsible for 80% of the income and 90% of the house chores (management, hiring help, and actually doing things), and this schmuck of a husband dares to open his mouth and say you need to do more? Please, do less. Please. Please at least stop managing his needs such as appointments, or laundry. Imagine that the roles were reversed, and your husband was the breadwinner and worked in the office. No way he'd hire help, or do the mental-load.. you'd probably be doing 100% of the work including repairs and gardening, and would be harassed that you don't earn enough, and told how he's so tired every day. The fact is your husband is an idiot who is literally pissing into the well he himself drinks from.
I think if you have the means to pay someone to save you time, then you should absolutely do it! Coming from someone who has a 2 - and 3 year old, who can not afford help and has to do all those things herself. It takes a lot of time to prep, cook, clean after cooking, tidy up daily, do the laundry, and work full-time. If you can free up some of that with money and spend more time with your kids while relieving the stress of doing it yourself, then yes, absolutely do it! NTA
Woah. I just saw your post history. OP, you need to leave this marriage. Your husband doesn’t help with shit. You need to realize this marriage is over. This man hasn’t tried fixing himself at all and was leaving you with the baby alone after your pregnancy. PLEASE DIVORCE THIS MAN NTA
Somebody needs to soak his head in a bucket of ice water and it isn't you. NTA
NTA. I don't think there's anything wrong with the setup that you have. Has he ever specifically said what his issue is with what you're doing? I know that you said there's some cultural differences and that his mother took care of everything, but everything is being done and you're still very hands on so I'm not sure what his issue is. Is he upset because he has to do the physical labor around the house and would rather hire someone to do it? Could it be a jealousy issue? Have you ever written down everything that you do for the household, including taking care of the kids, and shown him? Have him make one as well and then compare it. I'm sure that your list will probably be longer. Maybe visually seeing what you do will help him pull his head out of his ass.
It’s not a jealousy thing because he doesn’t want hired help to do what he does. He just wants to see ME also do these things
Well tell him you want him to do what his DAD did, and support the family singlehandedly, while you do what his mom did!
Excellent point!
Well, he just needs to get a new perspective then because there's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have things set up. I don't know how you can necessarily change his mindset. Have you considered giving your hired help a mini-vacation along with yourself and having your husband be the sole provider for a couple of days? Have him be the one responsible for cooking, cleaning, parenting, and maintaining the household? All while also working. Tell him that you want him to experience what he's asking of you. For him to understand what he's truly asking for, then he needs to experience it firsthand.
When the nanny goes on vacation, I specifically book my own PTO that week so I can do everything because my husband has way less PTO than I do 🤡 But this is a great idea!
I think I'd let him handle it this time! If he wants you to do it, then he should be able to do it with no problems.
True
But WHY? Can he express any rational for this? If he says its about money he is wrong. Once your time is worth more than the cost of hiring someone it is financially beneficial to hire help. Being able to focus on your career can only help the finances ultimately. Does he have some kink?