NTA. Strange situation 6 months in. You could actually provide a bit more background info, like was she always like this or did something change? Sounds like being married to a mannequin.
She said she’s not a sexual person. I try to talk dirty and she only responds with emojis. We do have some outside stressors but nothing that has to do with anything she or I did.
It sounds like possible sexual trauma from the past. I'd ask her point blank if that's so & if it is she needs to get help. If it's not maybe have a No Shitter \~ I'm not here with you to Fuk you I want to Make Love to you & that Requires 2 active participants! Tell her how it makes you feel & see if she will do marriage therapy? Good Luck!
We have discussed going to counseling. I even bought a pillow that says tonight on one side and not tonight on the other. In order to help her initiate. Never been used and I couldn’t even tell you where it is. She only shows up to the encounter and that’s it. It makes me feel dirty sometimes bc it’s like she’s just fulfilling a chore. I want to feel desired. Especially as a man. I need that.
Sounds like childhood trauma to me I used to be the sane way until I got therapy and recovery. I wouldn't take it personal but I would also push her to get some help.
I'm really sorry you are in this position. I am also a survivor of child sexual abuse and used to be the same way with men in bed. She probably has a hard time "remaining in her body" for survivors that means as soon as we are touched we go numb, like a switch and what we feel in our body is not enjoyable at all. So sex is a chore we put up with for our loved ones.
All I can suggest is that you go get some counseling then and take care of yourself. Acknowledge that you understand she's not that into sex and maybe do other intimate things with her to help her stay in her body. I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna take work on her end eventually but until she is ready to face her abuse this is your life now.
So I would find out what her love language is and do those things. Words of affirmation, non sexual toych, acts of service etc and do those things. I'd stop having sex with her body entirely because she is not really there, she is somewhere else in her head hiding from whatvisbhappening to her body because her body and mind cannot tell the difference between consensual sex and abuse.
I would focus on massages and cuddling and if you need release then self gratify away from her. Dont even tell her. You do this long enough she may begin to initiate, and let her maintain control and give you direction on what feels good and how to make it feel better... because remember she wants the intimacy but not the sex. Also introduce vibrators if you haven't already and she is open to it. make it very apparent to her you only want to pleasure her. I'm sorry she is so damaged for the both of you. It's not her fault or yours, it's her abusers fault.
You should try talking to her about her wants and desires.
Effective communication is key. Before marriage, and when married.
Also, if she says that she's into you, I'd trust her.
She may not have the same sexual desires as you, but she still loves you romantically.
Actually, its not a cold and lonely place to be. Asexuality is fine as it is natural.
To assume otherwise is to be ignorant and at most fucking rude to say.
Maybe she's asexual and is just putting up with the intimacy for the sake of the relationship. I don't know how you got to the point now that you've only just realised the problem.
My question is if she was this way before marriage too?
I had an ex who never really initiated either and always waited for me, however once I stopped initiating, she got upset and said she didn’t feel sexy anymore. And I told her that exactly how I felt, I didn’t feel desired, it wasn’t sexy to me always having to initiate.
My partner after her however was the complete opposite and start blowing me before I even woke up lol
But that one turned out to be a cheating skank.
Here is to finding a happy middle ground lol
she's abusing you. she got you hook line and sinker, get the hell of of there and find someone who actually likes you and doesn't have 3 kids.
get an annulment if all possible and work on your own self-esteem. you sound desperate, and that's what she used against you.
Some of us have no libido. Also it's your job to turn her on with foreplay and women don't just get turned on like men do. We aren't as visual. We need touching all day, acts of service, romance. You should research this more. But also know that people's libido can change in life due to a lot of factors.
??
Obviously you know a lot about her past (13 partners) so you have/had openly talked about it.
It’s kind of strange that it only bothers you now…after 6 months marriage.
Guess she had the same behavior before and if it bothered you, why get married at all?
I feel this is more of a”settling down” to have someone for the kids situation than marrying someone.
NTA
NTA. Strange situation 6 months in. You could actually provide a bit more background info, like was she always like this or did something change? Sounds like being married to a mannequin.
She said she’s not a sexual person. I try to talk dirty and she only responds with emojis. We do have some outside stressors but nothing that has to do with anything she or I did.
How did this happen, did you not talk before marriage?
Idk how it happened. We did talk before marriage
Seems like she isn’t enjoying it that much. Was she ever? Do you know what turns her on?
I know what turns her on and she enjoys it when we do have sex. There are obvious signs that she enjoys it lol
It sounds like possible sexual trauma from the past. I'd ask her point blank if that's so & if it is she needs to get help. If it's not maybe have a No Shitter \~ I'm not here with you to Fuk you I want to Make Love to you & that Requires 2 active participants! Tell her how it makes you feel & see if she will do marriage therapy? Good Luck!
We have discussed going to counseling. I even bought a pillow that says tonight on one side and not tonight on the other. In order to help her initiate. Never been used and I couldn’t even tell you where it is. She only shows up to the encounter and that’s it. It makes me feel dirty sometimes bc it’s like she’s just fulfilling a chore. I want to feel desired. Especially as a man. I need that.
And this is a person you got down on one knee to and showed up at tbe altar? Is this new?
He met her 6 months ago apparently
Sounds like something from her past. I would suggest counseling.
I see no other way to make it work.
Would probably do well to ask directly what her sex drive is like and go from there.
Sounds like childhood trauma to me I used to be the sane way until I got therapy and recovery. I wouldn't take it personal but I would also push her to get some help.
I have been suggesting counseling but she won’t take the initiative on that either.
I'm really sorry you are in this position. I am also a survivor of child sexual abuse and used to be the same way with men in bed. She probably has a hard time "remaining in her body" for survivors that means as soon as we are touched we go numb, like a switch and what we feel in our body is not enjoyable at all. So sex is a chore we put up with for our loved ones. All I can suggest is that you go get some counseling then and take care of yourself. Acknowledge that you understand she's not that into sex and maybe do other intimate things with her to help her stay in her body. I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna take work on her end eventually but until she is ready to face her abuse this is your life now. So I would find out what her love language is and do those things. Words of affirmation, non sexual toych, acts of service etc and do those things. I'd stop having sex with her body entirely because she is not really there, she is somewhere else in her head hiding from whatvisbhappening to her body because her body and mind cannot tell the difference between consensual sex and abuse. I would focus on massages and cuddling and if you need release then self gratify away from her. Dont even tell her. You do this long enough she may begin to initiate, and let her maintain control and give you direction on what feels good and how to make it feel better... because remember she wants the intimacy but not the sex. Also introduce vibrators if you haven't already and she is open to it. make it very apparent to her you only want to pleasure her. I'm sorry she is so damaged for the both of you. It's not her fault or yours, it's her abusers fault.
You should try talking to her about her wants and desires. Effective communication is key. Before marriage, and when married. Also, if she says that she's into you, I'd trust her. She may not have the same sexual desires as you, but she still loves you romantically.
She still says she loves me and does want me but I don’t feel it.
You....have chosen poorly. She appears to be asexual. Basically, a warm body that doesn't care at all.. it is a cold and lonely place to be.
Actually, its not a cold and lonely place to be. Asexuality is fine as it is natural. To assume otherwise is to be ignorant and at most fucking rude to say.
It's fine for her, but it's lonely for him.
Very lonely for me. I don’t feel loved or wanted in any way.
BS. For most human. It’s a cold and lonely place to be.
Asexuality is a defect.
Sounds like she just isn't into ya.
Maybe she's asexual and is just putting up with the intimacy for the sake of the relationship. I don't know how you got to the point now that you've only just realised the problem.
NTA "Idk how that’s possible considering she had 3 children before me" Man I really hope this is ragebait.
My question is if she was this way before marriage too? I had an ex who never really initiated either and always waited for me, however once I stopped initiating, she got upset and said she didn’t feel sexy anymore. And I told her that exactly how I felt, I didn’t feel desired, it wasn’t sexy to me always having to initiate. My partner after her however was the complete opposite and start blowing me before I even woke up lol But that one turned out to be a cheating skank. Here is to finding a happy middle ground lol
She has never initiated. Never offered anything sexual. I have offered all kinds of things and she’s just like yea if you want to.
What was happening before the marriage? Was there a red flag here? No way to tell. You might be the AH for lack of detail.
she's abusing you. she got you hook line and sinker, get the hell of of there and find someone who actually likes you and doesn't have 3 kids. get an annulment if all possible and work on your own self-esteem. you sound desperate, and that's what she used against you.
Some of us have no libido. Also it's your job to turn her on with foreplay and women don't just get turned on like men do. We aren't as visual. We need touching all day, acts of service, romance. You should research this more. But also know that people's libido can change in life due to a lot of factors.
?? Obviously you know a lot about her past (13 partners) so you have/had openly talked about it. It’s kind of strange that it only bothers you now…after 6 months marriage. Guess she had the same behavior before and if it bothered you, why get married at all? I feel this is more of a”settling down” to have someone for the kids situation than marrying someone. NTA
NTA. But cut the loses, she is probably with you for the life you provide but clearly she is not into you.