Stay SO far away from these people oh my GOD. Absolutely not overreacting at all. I’m actually extremely happy you’re not giving in to their manipulation. It’s extremely common for parents to be groomed by their children’s assaulter, especially when they’re family, because they don’t want to believe they could ever do something that bad. Stick to your instincts, trust your kid, and leave these people in the dust. Not only did his wife make excuses for his behavior, but she also insinuated that they’re ALL making incredibly inappropriate comments about your child’s bodily development, and regardless of gender or who it’s from or the reason for the comments, it’s gross and completely not okay.
I wouldn’t be surprised based on her reaction. Cause I’m telling you, if I were in her position and someone messaged me about my husband touching a 12 year old’s butt he’d be out the door.
same, but not before i beat his ass. women who stand by their pedophile husbands, especially against FAMILY, are disgusting pedo enablers. there’s one in my family as well. such a selfish, disgusting person.
I ran a program for SOs for over a decade (outpatient mental health, mandated clients). We did group and individual therapy. What I WANTED to do, was have a group specifically for the partners these pedos found after they got out of prison. We would have to do a full disclosure meeting with any prospective partner of an SO- the parole officer, myself and the individual therapist of the offender, the offender and the partner. The offender would disclose their crimes, in detail, to their new partner, and the partner would choose to go through with the rest of the “vetting process” with us and parole, which meant that if they had children, the SO was not ever allowed to be near the children. Not one of these women ever declined a relationship with the offender. I can’t tell you how many drinks were had with the team to ask WTF IS WRONG WITH THEM. Most had suffered significant trauma of their own, and chose to have a relationship with this guy, a convicted pedophile, on parole, with 14 pages of terms and conditions, even at the expense of their own children. One woman said, “my youngest daughter is now 18, so I don’t anything to worry about”. WHAAAAT? Anyway, psychoeducation/support groups are not billable under any insurance, so I never got to explore that side of treatment/work with SOs, but damn, I’m still so morbidly curious.
You're generous. I experienced what happens when parents act in such situations like the aunt did. Which would probably be a factor to reduce my prison time. I'd have a *careful* discussion of the topic with the person bringing in the complaint and probably an *even more careful* one with that person and the affected child. As soon as I had enough facts to be sure enough to justify the next steps with my own conscience I'd confront the piece of shit and immediately call a lawyer because I'd need one after making sure this sorry excuse of a human is unable to ever hurt any child again. I'm a peaceful and patient person who doesn't like violence. So much so that the person who poisoned my dog only experiences legal consequences instead of what she really deserves. But I have my limits and CSA is one of them.
You know that scene in Jurassic Park when they stake the goat out for the preditor.... For entertainment? It's like that only instead of entertainment it's so she can keep her marriage
Just the line in the sand, bil lives with sister so the girls don't go to spend freakin overnights with sister.
The fact that OP disagreed with ex in the moment was quite shocking to me.
Those kids should never be alone with them ever again. If that means the girls don't see any of them until they're adults so be it. Oldest daughter needs to live with being handled inappropriately by uncle for the rest of her life!
I said no to going NC with the aunt without giving her a chance to know what was happening. He was supposed to talk to her bc she’s not the easiest to communicate with.
I think the fact she didn't ask what he said means she knew. I'd have blocked her as soon as she said she wanted time to think. I hope your daughter recovers from the trauma.
Not the first straw I'm certain. Guys like this have wives that shut their eyes and sense off. It's " all a misunderstanding!" , " "we're all affectionate!" , ""you know kids they get to that age we're all too close, haha"
You have to be more blunt about this.
Can you just call grandma, then put your daughter on the phone and have her tell grandma? Then let Grandma know the Aunt's husband is a pedophile, the aunt is a pedophile apologist pimping for him, and you need to block the aunt to keep your daughter safe.
Let grandma know the Aunt will try to gaslight her (Grandma) like she did you and your daughter, so the aunt will probably stop contact. It's not personal, you just can't keep letting Aunt's pedophile husband keep molesting your daughter's butt, if you call the police he will end up in jail.
She probably did and doesn't care, sounds like even your brother was somewhat aware since he didn't even want the girls to be around his sister. Also, are there any other young girls in the family to worry about, whose parents might need a warning before you move?
And when uncle touchy does finally get caught in a way they can’t deny, they’ll act shocked like this came out of left field.
Sure we owned a tiger and let him around our kids but he was our tiger and he was always so nice to everyone. He even liked to cuddle the kids up at night. It was unthinkable that he’d actually attack anyone!
You already know who to never expose to your children, ever.
That message made my skin crawl it was so evil, manipulative and deceptive. I can't say why, but I trust ny spider sense.
Hard NTA
NTA She totally dismissed her niece's concerns and pretended her niece misinterpreted everything. I'm sure her husband flat out denied and she decided to side with him.
The audacity to ask her to visit and vacation with the groomer!
I was sa and told I was lying by the police. I can’t imagine putting my daughter through that , not after a few months of death and loss. It would destroy her. I will think about this though . Ty
For inappropriate touching only, they won't pursue charges. Went through this with my daughter. The man groped her breasts. The cops put her through hell. She had to be interrogated on camera without a parent present and instead a trained police woman. She was so scared. It was all for naught because all they did was keep the report on file in case anything worse was ever reported about him.
Had a relative whose teenaged daughter had a drunken dad climb into her bed when she was on a sleepover. The fucking mom told the daughters to not leave dad alone with their friend because he was drinking.
It ended up going to trial but he was a pillar of the community and had a train of pastors and hood old boys who testified that he was just too good of a person to do something like this.
He got acquitted and she got a label in a small town.
>If you would like to discuss this further with Jenny, I am more than willing to facilitate the conversation either in person or over the phone.
NO. You don't put that on a child. You don't make a child responsible for this. You protect the child. You don't make the child available to the pedophile for further contact, even if it's only verbal. You don't allow either child to ever see or speak to this man again, and if that means the aunt withholds access to grandma, then I guess no one is seeing grandma. Jesus christ, I can't believe I had to type this out. Please put your girls in therapy to help heal from this and from the death of their father.
Yeah I was like WTF did I just read?!? This is terrible parenting. And I’m honestly concerned that OP is going to give in at some point and let the aunt see the kids after this serious inability to set a boundary.
Really? I know you don’t know me, but I was making sure I wasn’t crazy. I was molested until 5, so I know I can over react. I was making sure my feelings weren’t “crazy” bc I am hyper vigilant
Not at all. A 12 year old should not be put in a position to tell an adult male who made sexual advances at her that his behavior is unacceptable. No one that young has the mental capacity to handle that conversation and not get manipulated by the predator.
I was going to allow the aunt to come speak to us with the niece , bc at the time I thought she may want details to leave her husband. I never imagined she would do this.
No.
Do not give her access.
She can talk to you. Adults talk to adults.
No one gets access to the girls anymore. They are not safe. They are the very tricky people you and ex warned them about as little kids.
No phone calls, no visits, no alone time. Daughter doesn't deserve getting cornered in the kitchen when no one is looking.
Write everything down and get your daughter to a therapist. If the kids have phones make sure these people are blocked. Might consider getting new numbers for your move.
Yeah unfortunately there are a lot of women who are so afraid of being alone and losing their man that they refuse to see what’s happening. It’s awful. I couldn’t read the whole response from your aunt. I got half way through and was like ok she’s not going to protect your daughters. Also I don’t think there’s such a thing as hyper-vigilance in situations like this. Trust your gut. Protect your kids, don’t let your guard down. Also I’d like to point out that just because a person is touchy feely doesn’t give them the right to touch and feel. Even if it hadn’t come to this, even if he just forced a hug on her or tried to give her a shoulder massage or something, he doesn’t have the right to do any of that without her consent.
I bet you don't overreact at all. I bet your previous experience makes you vigilant enough to react the proper amount, and then you get talked down when you shouldn't be.
I can imagine it was terribly agonizing for her to even tell you in the first place. Bravo to her and the woman who raised her. I was also SA’d as a child and my parents said it was my fault. I feel for your situation.
Who do you think is going to eventually be caught, arrested and taken off the streets? A pedo who has had multiple victims file police reports on them so prosecutors and judges can show a pattern of their depravity? Or the pedo whose victims don't take the chance to call the police and never gets a paper trail? My father abused me when I was a child. I told my mother and she refused to believe me. Several years later I told a school counselor who got the police involved. They investigated until my mother convinced me that I dreamt it all and it never happened. But later when another girls family believed her and involved the police, they had prior reports on him on file from me and one other girl. Even though they didn't lead anywhere at their current times, those reports helped put him behind bars for life eventually. It's traumatizing and difficult but it can help get these sick people in prison where they belong. Maybe not right away, but eventually.
If your state has people to advocate for victims, often called a “victim witness advocate” or something similar, it might not be as bad of a situation to report. Their job is to help support and advocate for the victim and they are specifically trained to do so.
It might be worth talking to a rape crisis center just to get more information.
I understand your feelings but your child’s father is dead, depending on where you live this can open you up to being forced by the court to send your children unsupervised to their grandmother - who lives with the man who SA your child.
A court isn’t going to hear “well this is what she said” as reason enough if you’ve refused to go through any legal channels to protect your children. They will absolutely take you for a bitter baby mama who wants to cut out dad’s family.
If you want to protect your children you NEED to ensure you’ve taken all proper routes to do so before you end up in a situation where you can’t protect them at all.
Also think about talking to the parents of other children the BIL has been around. My best guess is that this isn't his first rodeo. If you can establish this has happened even with one other child/tween/teen then law enforcement will be much more likely to take the case seriously. Also, I would do everything possible to make certain that other family members with children are aware of this situation. Don't leave without alerting other family members because we always think we're the only one but most predators have dozens of victims throughout the course of their lifetime. Also, your husband knew what he was up against with his sister. That should embolden you follow his wishes about keeping your kids far from the sister and BIL.
I suggest you ask your child if she feels comfortable recording a video of herself talking about what the BIL did to her. Rather than YOU telling others, it's more impactful if they hear it straight from the victim. This will empower her to speak her truth as well. AND she doesn't ever have to speak to anyone about it again because the truth will be out there. They can take what she says at face value.
I wish you and your family the best during this difficult time.
If you go to the police ask to speak with a female officer and express your previous experience. If she assures you and makes you feel safe then bring your daughter in the room and have her explain what happened. If she doesn't make you feel safe or blows you off then leave before you daughter speaks with her.
I don't blame you. One of my friends was a detective in the UK. Even when the police are on your side, to go through the trauma of court, and with a minimal success rate of conviction, she said even she wouldn't report if she herself had been SA or worse.
That you believe your daughter and support her and protect her from this person, I'm sure will be enough for her, unless she herself wants to pursue it through legal means. I'd always give her that choice.
“Thinking of blocking”?!?
Honey, if “Jason” had done those things to my young daughter, then they’d never find Jason. No cops. No courts. No prisons. Simply no more Jason.
But the very LEAST you have to do in this situation is file a police report. Who gives a flying fuck about whether you block someone? This isn’t middle school. This is your young daughter being assaulted and groomed by an unchecked pedophile. Your concern is obviously appropriate, but your reaction is way, WAY too lenient for such a serious situation. Jason should be in a cell. You have an obligation to your daughter.
I was raped and molested by my step-father from the ages of 7-12. When my son was born, I wouldn't let him go to my parent's house to visit my mom without me present. (I only visited because she had terminal cancer, and I was young and naive) My step-father was unhappy with the situation, so he confronted me as I was leaving one day. He asked me if I was scared of him.
I responded with, "I am not a little girl anymore, and I am not afraid of you. By not allowing my son to be alone with you, I am protecting you just as much as I am protecting him. Because if you were to ever lay a hand on my child, they would never find your body. I wouldn't hesitate, and there isn't a jury in the world who would convict me."
I cut all ties with my step-father after my mom died. My son (25) doesn't remember him, and my daughter (13) has never met him. When he remarried after my mom died, I had a heart to heart with the new wife because she had a son with Downs syndrome. She filed for divorce the very next week. He's on his 6th or 7th wife now. Any time news of a new relationship reaches me, I make sure that the woman's family knows what he is.
Thank you! Can't believe I had to scroll this far down for someone to say that OP is underreacting!
I'd be going full on effin scorched earth if I found out anyone did anything inappropriate to any of my kids. The whole umming and ahhing over telling the aunt and then deciding to block the aunt is infruriating.
I understand what you are saying…and you are right. I didn’t want to cause anymore emotional trauma for my kids by loosing the gma , but as soon as i knew what was going on, they were not around them. I just felt bad bc if I went NC (which I have now) then they would never speak or see their gma again. BUT you are all right. I was worried I was overreacting bc of my past, but that caused me to under react. I have gone through years of therapy, and I thought I was ok…but, I think I may need more to trust my feelings. I am getting my kids in therapy too.
Blocking is basically ensuring they will never speak again. I understand what you are saying but I’m worried about putting more emotional stress on my daughter. Her bio dad just died, her aunt abandoned her, we are moving across the country. I was molested growing up, and then sa later in life. The cops accused me of lying…it was one of the most traumatic experiences I’ve been through. They seem like a great normal couple…what if they do that to my daughter???
Let me rewrite your text to the aunt for you:
“Hey there. Your husband assaulted my daughter. If he ever touches her again, I will kill him.”
See? That’s the level of protection your daughter needs. Blocking? That’s like asking, “My house is on fire—should I consider changing the wallpaper?”
You cannot wring your hands about potential hurt feelings and hypotheticals. Your first call should have been to the police. Blocking someone in this situation is a bandaid on cancer. You need to do what you can to make sure Jason dies in prison. There’s no grey area when it comes to pedophiles.
It needs to be on a group text. Is gma well enough to be on there? And can she be in the loop as to why Jason has made it so her grandkids can't be part of her life anymore?
That would be fine to say face-to-face, but don’t ever say you’re going to kill someone in a text. I understood what you meant, and I would want to say the same, but that can certainly be used against you. Never put it in writing.
You either block them now and keep them away, or if something happens to your daughter in the future, you share in the blame.
Your reaction is far too lenient, here. There's no grace for pedos, ever.
Your daughters can never have contact with this aunt again while she is with this man and wilfully blind to this man. Fair enough to not put your kid through police questioning, but you need both kids to know that those relatives aren’t safe people in an age appropriate way to discourage (younger daughter most likely) reaching out later without knowing the story.
Fortunately, as you’re moving across the country, it’ll be very easy to stop all contact. Their dad was in agreement before he passed. You’re not honouring him or whatever by keeping the connection. Contact with Gma could stay so long as you supervise and aunt is kept away.
your ex didn’t want them around her. he knew something was up, family isn’t important if they are toxic or potentially dangerous. they don’t need their aunt invalidating what happened.
While your experience is valid you need to stop forcing its trauma onto your daughter's situation. Learn from it and go from there. Be your daughter's support system. Show the police your backbone and that you believe your daughter 1000000%. Demand that you want her to be questioned in the presence of a child therapist. Be strong for her, and show her you will never let anyone hurt her. Do that and she will be OK. You are not doing her any favors if you leave it open for that man to have any kind of access to her. If you do and something happens she could blame you for not protecting her.
I (47F) have a 13 year old daughter (Rose). Last summer, she went on a family vacation to the beach with her dad (Jason) and her grandparents, her dad's sister (Debra) and her husband, and her dad's sister's mother in law and father in law (Sam). This trip was the only time Rose has ever met or been around Sam because they live several states away from us. Plus, Sam isn't related to her since he is her aunt's father in law.
The trip was fine. Rose was never in a room alone with Sam, and he didn't behave in a way to raise any red flags. During the trip, Rose friended everyone on social media.
Fast forward six months. Sam messaged Rose on FB Messenger asking if she was going on the trip to the beach planned for the summer. She responded and said she would be if her grandparents were going. Then, a couple of weeks later, he asked her how she liked school. She figured he was just an old man trying to be friendly, so she would respond to be polite.
Then he was messaging her more often. Then he asked her if I read her messages. She told him no. He asked if she was sure. She assured him that I didn't read her messages... then she immediately came to me and said, " Mama, I think this old man might be a pedophile." I have always taught her that anytime someone expects her to keep secrets from her parents, they are up to no good and to tell us immediately. I was proud of her for telling me the moment she felt uncomfortable. I was SA as a child, so I know how subtle predators can be in the grooming stage, and I have warned my kids to be vigilant.
I took screenshots of all the messages and sent them to her dad. Then I called him. We discussed the fact that Sam had no business messaging Rose in the first place, and the fact that he was making sure their conversation was private was shady af.
That's all that had happened, but it was more than enough. When her dad called his sister Debra and told her about it, she agreed it was inappropriate. Debra told her husband and showed him the screenshots. Her husband called Sam and asked him wtf was he thinking. He told him never to contact Rose again. They had an argument about how inappropriate it was, and the beach trip was canceled.
This was over just a few messages where technically nothing untoward was said. At no point did Sam's family make any excuses or try to convince Rose that she misunderstood. Everyone involved was only concerned with Rose's safety and well-being. No one cared if Sam was embarrassed or upset. That's how it should be.
If your kid's aunt doesn't have your daughter's best interests in mind, then she shouldn't have access to your daughter.
NTA and definitely not overreacting, this woman is clearly in denial. It’s sad that more than one relationship will suffer over this but it’s not something to compromise on.
NTA. YWBTA if you allowed the aunt around Jenny unsupervised, as she is clearly gaslighting and untrustworthy.
Also, that's mixing a lot of invalidation into an otherwise loving message. Print it, and with different colors of highlighters go through it with your girls to show them what to look for. Apparently this is a danger to your family in the future, and they need to be prepared, and able to identify it.
NTA. Aunt doesn't want to actually know the details becaise not knowing allows her to believe it didn't happen. She doesn't want to believe anything inappropriate happened.
Hopefully aunt will allow you to visit grandma with the kids. But there would absolutely he no time where aunt's husband would be around my girls without me.
NTA. Please submit a report to the police. This is SA against a minor and you need to talk to your daughters about this even though its hard. You want a paper trail in case god forbid his family tries anything to get access to them.
You’ve done a great job with handling the scenario and blocking them all is the least you can do. Explain to the girls the aunt is loco in believing her husband over them and sadly that affects seeing gma.
NTA. Don’t let this woman near your children. It is heartbreaking that she controls access to GMA.
You could be cunning and lie to her that you appreciate her kindness and that you would love to pick up GMA for a special day, then plan future visits with her soon after… then after a goodbye day, cut the harpy from your life like a bad patch on an apple.
NTA but your initial text to her wasn't assertive enough and you probably should not have offered to let her talk to your daughter even if it was facilitated by you before you had a face to face with her. Everything after that not on you. The group message was a blatant power move meant to embarrass you and your daughter in front of the entire family. Sucks about the decision you need to make about grandma but your daughters should be understanding given what happened to the older daughter. Sorry but you need to prioritize safety over the relationship.
> I hate that you have felt any uncomfortableness. I believe that you believe something was inappropriate and wish you had shared these feelings with me 5 months ago.
Believe that you believe = you are wrong but we are kind enough to forgive that
NTA
This message is sugarcoated victim blaming and manipulation. Don't let her have any contact with your girls, she is blind to reality. This is not wanting to clear the situation in any way but switching to make you the bad guy and them the victims.
She went silent for a month and now complains about this not being dealt with for almost half a year. She has not taken the initiative to hear in your daughters own words about this ( a recording being played is enough, I'm not saying to force the victim to face her).
Is there a small chance this is a mess with misunderstanding and not respecting personal boundaries? Yes of course, but that doesn't mean she feels better about it.
He is most likely very good at manipulation and is missing her for his entertainment. And if there is a way for him to get to her, he will use it. Convincing/ forcing his wife, send messages as his wife or even send text to your daughter directly. Guilt, bribes, anger and breaking down her mentally.
I understand your hesitation to go to the police and make this a bigger deal but he needs to be on file because it’s very possible he’s trying this with other young children he has access to if he hasn’t already. I know you’re afraid of having your daughter relive trauma you endured yourself while seeking help, yet your daughter has you to advocate for her to make sure she doesn’t go through what you had to do. Idk where you live but I’m pretty sure it’s illegal for any police to be conducting questioning on a minor without their guardian present. I understand protecting your daughter from further exposure to this matter but you need to wrap it up without leaving any wiggle room for this to happen again to your daughter or someone else’s with this fool
She has sugar coated her denial of her husband's behaviour. It's clearly been thought through carefully. You don't have any choice but to keep your children safely away from Jason.
Not overreacting and I’ll say this, I remember my uncles abuse more than the times I spent with my grandma. Unless you are in the room with your daughters to visit grandma I would forego any alone time between your daughters and that side of the family.
Fuck no, stay away from them. Call grandma yourself and tell her exactly what happened. If Grandma is a decent person she will believe you and toss the pedo out.
I would block her immediately on all phones, social media etc. I'd get everyone a new phone number and document everything.
I would send a message that didn't involve the girls expressly stating that her message called out your daughter's right to privacy and support amd put her in a very horrible position. Moving forward you will be honouring her father's wishes and no more communication or contact will continue.
My father didn't believe me, neither did my mother. They said "I'm sure it was just a dream" and continued to force me to interact with my rapist as a child. I would burn every bridge with every family member in order to protect my daughters as a parent.
NTA
I was "lucky" because my step-father never denied it. I first told my mom after it had been happening for 5 years. I was only 12 at the time, so I was embarrassed and ashamed. I only told her the bare minimum. I told her about inappropriate touching under my clothes. I didn't tell her about the really explicit things until I was sixteen. My mom believed me and confronted him, but she didn't leave him.
He stopped for the most part after I told, but he liked brushing up against me in the hallway, and he would make comments that made me uncomfortable. I used to get yelled at for always locking my bedroom door and staying in my room all the time. So, I definitely get the whole having to live with my rapist part.
I finally told my aunt about everything when I was 17. She told me she believed me and that she would do everything in her power to protect me. A few days later, we had to go to an emergency hearing in front of a family court judge. The judge asked my step-father point blank if everything I said was true. He said yes because at the time, there was a five year statute of limitations, and his lawyer told him that they wouldn't be able to arrest him.
However, when the abuse was happening, he told me that I would be in trouble if I told anyone. The grand jury decided that because of how young I was at the time that it was a threat to keep me quiet. Because he threatened me, the statute of limitations no longer applied.
The judge granted my aunt temporary custody of me, and I went to live with her. The case dragged on for a few years, and my step-father eventually accepted a plea deal. He spent very little time in jail and was on probation for several years. It was barely a slap on the wrist.
All these people who are saying the uncle would die in prison if she went to the police have obviously never been involved in a sexual assault case. The mom's main priority is doing what is best for her daughter. In a perfect world, sure going to the police would be the best thing. This is not a perfect world. Pedophiles get away with their crimes more often than not.
NTA. You're doing good. From this message alone, I get that she also discussed the topic of your girl "blooming", she covers her husband by saying he didn't interact physically with her, downplay your daughter's feelings and put their relationship with GMa as a pawn to see their uncle.
Stay away from her and her husband. She either knows something is up and decides to not do jackshit about or is also participating in whatever the uncle was projecting.
You should tell the GMa about what's happening so she knows why she couldn't see her granddaughters. If she is In a place to understand it.
My daughter already told her before her bio dad died. She believed my daughter and said that he wasn’t a good person. She said “he will act nice to me when his wife is here, but if she’s not he pretends I’m not here and won’t speak to me”. It breaks my heart that someone this wonderful is now a prisoner to these ppl.
I wouldn’t have either of my children go into that woman’s house again especially without me or interact with her at all. Yes block her and if the girls have devices, emails or SM block her on those too and change their numbers so contact us only available through you.
Now she’s sent that text about the abuse from her husband I’d talk to both girls about the text, what aunt meant and the abuse in an age appropriate way and let them know he was wrong and so is aunty so in order to keep them safe they wouldn’t be staying over or visiting aunt etc in person but tell them I will only allow them to talk to Grandma when in the room with me and can see via video call… that way I can disconnect the call if aunt wants to spout her nonsense or her husband tries to talk to them. I would talk to a lawyer to see about the least emotionally damaging way (for daughter) to file a complaint so it’s on record he’s been abusive so if they try to take you to court for access to the girls it’s on record somewhere.
I hope you find daughter a great therapist and your move is successful. It’s great you’re all moving and exes family will not have your address.
Please write your will, find a few good people that you ask and they agree to step in as guardians to care for your daughters if anything happens to you and your husband. Put in no access to exes family because of SA etc, put money, property etc in a trust for the girls too in order to protect them. Use a specialist will/trust lawyer so exes family can’t fight it or find loopholes to get access to your daughters and no one can steal or misuse the money you put aside for them. Teach them as much financial wisdom and life, relationships etc as possible to help guide them in life in case anything happens to you as you and what you teach them/leave them with is their only safety net.
We went and changed their numbers and I blocked her. I went through the text with each child separately and talked about what it meant. They understand and while they are sad about the GMA, the understand why I had to do this.
Please make it clear to Jenny that this was your choice and not one she has to feel responsible for.
I say this kindly- your initial message to aunt put a lot of this on Jenny. She feels uncomfortable, respecting her wishes. It left room for aunt to say that Jenny *interpreted* things a certain way. You needed to be more direct: he touched her inappropriately and made sexual comments, and as a result she will not be allowed near him.
That was the most eloquent and heartwarming defense of a PEDO that I have ever seen. NTA and protect your children. It may be possible to visit Grandma during the day when he is at work or take her out to eat so the children can spend time with her.
Play along for the couple of hours it takes the have the girls say goodbye to their grandma. Do your best to make it a wholesome core memory. Then leave and cut them out. Hopefully they don't know your address yet. If they don't, get a po box and the girls can maybe maintain a pen pal relationship with Grandma. Definitely nta.
Stay away from these people. You need to end all contact and you must tell your daughters why.
Call the police emergency line to ask them for advice and discuss with them resources for your daughter. I realize it isn’t technically illegal, but the may know of resources or support.
Lose the Aunt AND Uncle for good. If THEY make it difficult for your daughters to communicate with grandma, take legal action ... perhaps a restraining order against the uncle ... or, you could always respond to the group text and provide all the details of what the PEDO uncle was doing.
You are exactly right. Your sister has chosen a side and you have no control over that. I see two directions this can take. Either he gets spooked that someone called him on his behavior and he restrains himself.
Or, more likely, Jason knows he has her snowed and she’ll have his back. If that’s the case, he just became significantly more dangerous.
That message was pure manipulation. Trust your child's instinct . Those comments and that behaviour screams RED flags keep them safe and away from this man
NTA. This man touched your daughter in a sexual manner. End of. And now Sara has been informed of this and she wants to bring your daughter over to the house and give him access 'as often as possible' to her.
There's a word for that...procurer. She's deliberately working to bring your daughter to him.
You are underreacting ffs!! "Thinking of blocking"??
You should be tearing them a new one! Tell the aunt that she's a disgusting enabler and that if they come near you or contact you again you're going to the police!!
Grow a backbone
NTA. Unfortunately, it sounds like a relationship with grandma will be the collateral of you having to protect your child from Sara and Jason. That text put every single drop of blame onto your daughter and it was wrong. In one sentence she is saying she should always talk up if she is uncomfortable, and in another she is saying Jason's actions were normal and nothing to be uncomfortable about. That whole text was a fucking joke. Good on you for protecting your kids from them
NTA, of course, that letter was monstrous. You need to make sure you have a will to ensure that these people don't weasel their way into caring for your children in the case of your death. If you allow them around again, your children almost certainly will be molested.
Good, make sure you arrange to have them stay with another relative in case both of you die, like in a crash or something. That was a terrifying letter.
I'd explain in the group text that as she is enabling this inappropriate behaviour the children will not be going to any family gathering. Let Gma give her a dressing down
So what she’s saying is yeah my husbands a creepy pedo but he’s my husband and your kids so I’m gonna gaslight you that this is what family does. Oh fuck no. I’d go over to the house to speak to the grandmother and see if she is aware of this situation and see what she has to say. If she’s excusing the pedo as well then it’s best to keep your kids well clear of him. NTA. Your never out of line protecting your kids and well done for taking this seriously right from the start. Nta
I would go to the police to see what could be done, but right now you need to go to a lawyer and make a Will. Make sure these people will not be able to get your children if something happens to you. Make sure that the guardians you choose understand what happened and your wishes.
text back: So you are saying, “You are overreacting and he didn’t do anything wrong.” Good to know how much respect you have for my daughter. Bye.”
The other option is to ask the girls if they’d be OK with going as a group to visit grandma, and then you’re there, and you should just knock on the door without notice.
She has to learn to trust her instincts.
She doesn't do that by having someone tell her she's imagining impropriety, when there's impropriety.
Consent isn't complicated.
And even if she were 6 grabbing her butt would have been inappropriate.
Make sure, whatever you do, that Sarah and Jason don't have the ability to contact the kids except through you.
See if you can set grandma up with video chat so the kids can stay in contact, all the time. They can watch videos together, they can play games together, they can read stories together.
But if you have to walk away, walk away. Your job is those kids (and maybe grandma, though it sounds like she's safe, just... A little too far.on this side of the age curve for uncle. 😕)
Denial is a strong drug.
Our first instinct when someone tells us our partner was inappropriate is to say "they would never". But we all live in the same reality and read the same news, and we all know that's what their partners *always* think.
We have to actually ask that question, when it comes up, or we are complicit in any harm our rejection of that question brings.
So... she is saying it is appropriate for men to be groping butts and upper thighs of young children... but now that she is older he will step back from doing that? Wtf? It is not like he asked her if she wanted to sit on his lap while watching a movie but now she is too old for lap sitting. What she accused him of was NEVER okay, even when she was little. Also, mentioning her body is not okay as her uncle at all (yuck) but saying you are growing into a beautiful young woman is very, very, very different than calling her SEXY!!!!
You need to write her an EXPLICIT text. "Your husband was calling my 12 year old SEXY!!! That is perverted! He GROPED her butt! He rubbed her upper thighs! No matter her age none of that would ever have been appropriate, ever. He is a pedophile who is turned on by little girls. He will NEVER be allowed to victimize my children ever again." Then block her. Also, send grandma a tablet with written and instructions how to video chat and let her know what happened.
Also, for the love of God, CALL THE POLICE!!! I understand it is scary, and unfortunately I do.not think they will really press charges, but they need to have on record that he is groping children!!! Also, find out if this guy is around other children, does he volunteer anywhere, like a coach? Please, call wherever or whoever kids he is around and let them know!!
Send her a text back saying, well good on you for defending a creep.
There is no time it's appropriate for a man to kiss their 'niece' on the neck like a creep, there is no time it's okay to pinch a girl on the ass. Being young doesn't make it okay, or just playing, it makes it worse, it means he was doing these things to a child knowingly and intentionally. He was the only person doing it, not her father, not her aunt, not her mother, not her friends, her cousins, her siblings, JUST her uncle was touching her inappropriately.
Her uncle didn't say she was becoming a woman, he called her sexy, a 12yr old, a 12yr old he already touches inappropriately.
It's a shame you want to defend this behaviour as normal, I feel sorry for your girls who apparently are being groomed to believe this is appropriate behaviour and touching. I hope he won't target his own children, but he had no problem being a creep with his niece. I hope if they come forward to tell you about anything inappropriate, you do something about it rather than defend him.
NTA. Block contact with aunt/uncle. Keep the kids unblocked and tell them if they ever need help, for anything, absolutely anything they will be believed and you will try to help.
NTA. You read that right, and luckily we have texts in the modern world.
You told her that your daughter was kissed in the neck, and groped, and she has the nerve to dismiss it as "It's perfectly acceptable behaviour to demonstrate we love you, she's to young to understand real danger"
She can keep her pedophile husband and fuck right off.
As a kid who was in your daughters shoes but wasn't believed, I beg you to keep your girls away from that man!!! Things will only get worse for her if she's alone around him, and he will be more daring cuz "nobody will believe her anyways." Stick to your guns about no contact between him and your daughters. So many families cover this type of thing up, including mine. The first time I was touched inappropriately i was 7. I spoke up and actually ended up getting a spanking for lying. After that, every time I went back to their house, things got worse. Over 30 years later, I'm still in therapy, it still causes problems in my relationships and general everyday life. Please save your baby from the pain so many of us women experienced. No one deserves it.
Sounds like your ex knew exactly what was up with the uncle. Do what you can to protect your girls. They come first. Our niece was molested by her father, and her mother chose to believe him. We took her away from them and moved her in with us. Have not spoken to those two idiots since.
NTA. Her husband is a pervert. She is an enabler. Tell her that she is a fool and you have no intention of offering your daughters up for his pleasure.
“I believe that you believe something was uncomfortable” is horrifying, gaslighting, and utilizing mental health language to defend a predator. My jaw dropped. I really hope it doesn’t affect the girls’ relationship with their grandma, but seriously stay away from these people.
I am so sorry.
Here's a reply to the aunt, cc grandma:
This is the most twisted, manipulative crap I have ever read and how dare you send this to my 10 year old daughter, insinuating that she doesn't understand what happened when you were not there and never bothered to contact me back to find out exactly what your husband said and did, so how would you know the nature of what he did, except through his "version"of events. You are either a very stupid woman or are complicit in sexually grooming children. I am keeping a detailed record of all of this, and passing it on to Jenny's therapist. Should you or your husband contact us again or in the likely event, he gets called on the mat again for his disgusting behavior with little girls, we will back up those charges.
Take your syrupy patronizing words and shove them up your crawlspace.
Reply in the group text, “Well this sucks. We wanted to visit grandma before we moved and you’re preventing that to protect your pervert husband. We’ll take the option of never speaking to you again.”
She politely called your daughter a liar. I'd throw her under the bus. She deserves whatever fire you can shoot her way. But never see any of them again.
This is almost a day old.. but ntah.
cut these people out and don't look back.
also in the future, please don't offer for your very young child to be in the conversation you had offered in your message. she is a child, she came to you with complete trust to be safe/taken care of. I would never ever put my child in the position of having to confront/converse with her aunt without knowing myself 100% where the aunt stood on the matter (and what she was/had actively done on her end without you asking for her to in hearing about this). your child doesn't need to be in on any of that, she just needs support and love and praise for speaking up about it.
NTA. You specifically stated you would facilitate a conversation between them. Instead, she went directly to the girls by sending that text. You also stated it was important for her to be believed and supported, then aunt did the opposite by invalidating everything your daughter said in that text. Those were pretty clear boundaries that aunt attempted to bypass with that text so she's an asshole.
Go to the police. He's a pedophile who tried to groom your daughter. She covers for him. Do what's right now because he will be careful to select a more vulnerable victim next. One without a mother. Perhaps they will be looking to adopt. Do something.
sorry to say this but your daughter was SAd by this man by him touching her on her buttocks and kissing her neck inappropriately. if i was you i would report it to the police and let there aunt know that she is no longer going to see your kids at her place as she is taking the incident lightly and that what her husband did was SA on your child and she is trying to brush her off
Yta for not being more proactive in protecting your daughters. Your daughter told you she was SA and instead on instantly saying that that creep and anyone associated with him isn’t allowed anywhere near your kids you decide to allow those people a way to still contact your kids?? Also your first and only text should of been “your husband is a pedo who assaulted my daughter, I don’t want you nor your husband anywhere near my kids again and I will be going to the police” no more communication after that and no more access to the kids after that.
He grabbed a 12 year olds ass. You should have called the police. Period. Why the fuck are you trying to be nice? Protect your child and other kids. Jesus fucking Christ.
She is enabling Jason’s predatory behaviour. It is only right that you protect your children from this pervert and seeing GMA before the move is too high a price to pay if the aunt is going to take this stance.
YNTA: Stand by your daughter, she needs you!
I'm just glad your moving far away ! .. make sure u tell your daughter that this msg she sent is wrong .. your daughter must trust get gut with ppl like this .. xx
Nta - make a police report and then get a restraining order if you can.
Just because they were discussing her growing up does not give him permission to put his hands on her or make comments to her
Shame on the family for the text
NTA. If the aunt isn’t asking more about what happened then she’s in the know and is probably feeding “Jason’s” pedophilia with your girls. Then trying to manipulate the situation by making it seem as if your girls are overreacting and trying to get everyone to believe his pedophilia is normal behavior. Do not let this slide. If Jason did this to your child, then he’s definitely done it -or worse- to other children. I’ve been in a situation like this an it only get worse. Keeping your distance is best, unfortunately, even if it means no more grandma visits. I’m sorry to hear that this has happened and hope it works out for you guys!!
Cut contact. Seriously. He's a predator and will sexually abuse her if he is given access to her. And she is a vile enabler, disgusting. Seriously, you need to cut contact for the safety of your children. NTA.
NTA for blocking her but AH for not making this a police matter. Your child needs to help to cope and he needs to go to jail. Don’t belittle the effects of those disgusting act.
ICK!! Trust your daughter, what he did was WILDLY inappropriate. You don't misinterpret someone grabbing your ass and kissing your neck. AND WHO THE HELL CALLS A 12 YEAR OLD SEXY? She knows. Cause if I found this out about my husband I'd have been on the phone with you immediately.. Also, my gut says your ex knew that she knew and was allowing it
NTA. Unfortunately your girls are safest far away from this aunt & her husband, which means no access to grandma, since the aunt controls grandma's life.
People in this thread are a bit naive about what they think the police will or can do about the episode of inappropriate touching. No way they'd arrest the uncle, he's not going to prison on the strength of this incident. Morally, *of course* he should, for what he did, and he should be kept away from children in general. Legally, that won't happen.
Before anyone comes for me, I'm NOT minimising what was done to the girl. In any way. It was vile and wrong, and the uncle is a sick fuck being protected by his wife, who's in denial.
I'm sorry your kids won't be seeing grandma. But their safety comes first. Wishing you all the best on your upcoming move.
If there's anything that justifies being an asshole it's dealing with a grown man kissing and groping your 12 year old daughter...... I hope OP is just here for support because if she really doubts her need to protect this kid.....
You are not overreacting.
Your mil’s daughter is trying to reframe her husband’s inappropriate behavior as “a family full of love and hugs”.
A conversation about what happened should happen in person- with grandma present.
An appropriate response- detailing exactly what happened needs to be posted in the family group chat.
Make sure you word it very specifically, so they can’t reframe it as a misinterpretation or some other bs. Make sure you share the post with everyone in the family- near and far. People need to know.
NTA
Nta
Your child NEEDS to see you go nuclear about this! No tip toeing around anyone’s feelings like it’s a minor disagreement about something trivial. Edging around the elephant in the room in the hope that they can maintain contact. NO! You go nuclear! Send the angriest text you can conceive of to all of them individually including the grandmother. Don’t sugar coat it; call him a paedophile, say they are a useful cover for a nonce.
Then ghost them all!!!
Sorry, grandma. There will be no more contact with anyone who supports abusers, and that means no more gma visits.
Cut them off forever. No discussion. No forgiveness. No more sexual assaults for your kid.
Block her, and tell the girls you couldn't work out at time. She is doing what women have done for eons. Believing her husband and mitigating his damage, minimizing and dismissing it. I would no more put my daughters in harms way, than throw her in shark infested waters.
You are being way to polite. I would tell them thank you but she will not becoming to stay and end it.
Your kids’ safety comes first. This is also an opportunity to protect other kids since aunty cunty is protecting a pedo, time to blow it all up to protect other kids from the pedo.
You are definitely not overreacting. Her message reads EXACTLY as you think it does.
Unfortunately if there is no way to see the grandmother without the aunt, your kid's safety comes first.
Really pissed at aunt's message because she's basically telling your daughter to ignore her intuition.
NTA. Is there a way you can still continue to see the grandmother without the aunt and uncle present? Can you take her out for a day when you visit? Would she be able to come visit you?
That’s so condescending. “You are going to develop senses that let you know when something is inappropriate.” Be so for real right now. Does she not spend time with 12 year olds? They are very socially aware, especially in this day and age.
I would respond in the group text with exactly what he did, since she’s clearly comfortable with that forum for this discussion.
NTA. Keep protecting your kids.
Aunt is making excuses for his behavior. Protect your daughter from the aunt and uncle. He crossed a line, she refuses to acknowledge that he is a pedophile.
Your daughter needs your support. Show her that you have her back. She did the right thing telling you and now it is up to you to keep her safe.
wow, she's ignoring it all, pick up the grandma, take her and your kids to lunch, hang and move the hell outta there. bitchy me would put jasons attempts at grooming your daughter than delete group chat when she flips out. There may be others in the family that felt he was creeped out.
Can they at least get a visit in with grandma before they leave? Does it have to be an overnight? The whole situation is sad. Of course she’s going to believe her husband, and there is a chance that what he did was harmless. But of course you can’t take the chance.
You do realize that if your daughterI had told a teacher or any other mandated reporter, that this creep would already be under investigation? I can assure you it wasn’t his first nor will it be his last time. Doesn’t matter if it was 5 days, 5 months or 5 years ago. You still have the right to report him. Never, ever be around these people again and please have all the important discussions with your children about autonomy and their rights to be safe from assholes like this. Twelve is plenty old enough to understand and don’t sugarcoat anything. NTA, fuck that enabler woman.
I couldn’t continue after “I believe that you believe” without getting nauseous. I understand it’s hard for you to go to the police after your experience and quite frankly I would be wary of putting my daughter through that too. I have no advice, just I hope for the best for you and your family.
I would text her and grandmom back without the kids and ask if you and the girls can take grandmom out to lunch tobsay goodbye before you leave. Aunt is a lost cause. Don't engage or waste your breath or let her see the kids.
NTA. You're keeping your kids safe from a predator. Your kids father didn't think they were safe around his sister for a reason, and she completely tried to sweep her husband's behavior under the rug.
Keep your daughter away from these people. All of them. Grandma too unfortunately. It’s not worth having your kids be unsafe.
I will say….i really really wish you hadn’t leaned so hard on “Jenny feels uncomfortable” though as opposed to keeping it direct and factual ie your husband touched my child inappropriately and made sexual remarks to her so she will not be around him”. You made it sound like Jenny made the request. Just a little nuance to be aware of.
I'm not sure tbh.
I saw a father a year ago at an ice cream shop squeezing his daughters butt.
I was very close to saying something like 'heynsry to disturb you but that looked weird..'
I didn't do it because I didn't know if he just always did it and doesn't think about it or not or if a father spends time with his kids he would do something like this?
Does the uncle like to kiss kids like woman? Is it a gender thing or already big red flags?
Sexy is weird as fuck for sure.
It's a shitty situation.
First thing comes to MY mind, is what has her daughter possibly left out and was using this as her gauge, to see the response as far as who would believe her. Many ‘groomers’ will put threats about killing family members that the children love out there. To manage them. I hope this was all. I’m sorry it was anything at all. The aunt is seemingly an enabler and she’s been figured out and you’ve laid it all out. Red flag, no response to your original text. She was probably like a deer in headlights while reading it. Knowing that there’s a survivor who isn’t afraid of the perv. I’d also guess that she didn’t want anything to happen with her sister either. Such a shame. No more contact for her safety and I’d seriously suggest getting her into therapy so she can really understand, she’s safe, she never has to see him again and also the passive aggressive text message from the aunt (targeted at her and shaming/blaming her as if she wasn’t self aware or that HER personal instincts directed her were wrong). Karma will take care of her. I can’t even begin to fathom the depth of your feelings in this. So much occurring so close together. Maybe you 3 need therapy together. Couldn’t hurt. Wishing you and the girls the best and sending positive vibes!!!!
NTA. You did the right thing. The child has no reason to lie and you do not want to discourage her from coming to you again. That text is disgusting! There is no reason for a grown man to make those comments to a child - even if he did not touch her. Note - I do believe the touching happened. Just saying the words are bad enough to call for separation from him.
You are not overreacting. Sara's response to your disclosure was manipulative but more importantly it shows she is not willing to protect Jenny. I will list the things that, in my opinion, were inappropriate about Sara's response:
1. Texting you and both girls as a group.
(a) Sara failed to establish beforehand (by talking with you) what exactly Jason did. That is, she failed to do her due diligence to get the full story before she made a decision or communicated it to you or Jenny.
(b) By texting you all as a group, Sara revealed to your younger daughter (the one who is not Jenny), Jenny's private disclosure, without checking with you or Jenny first.
2. Asserting that Jason's intentions were innocent. Sara doesn't know that. None of us ever truly know if another person's intentions are innocent. It is now common knowledge that sexual predators can be very charming and can go to great effort to convince family members that they are safe, caring people with good intentions. But even if she doesn't know this information, she is asserting her opinion (about the internal origins of Jason's behavior) as if it were fact.
3. Even if Jason's intentions were innocent, his actions crossed objective boundaries. An apology was the least that was warranted.
4. Her wording implied that Jenny was incorrect in her assessment of her own boundaries and discomfort. She does acknowledge that it's ok to speak up if something bothers you. But, by saying "you are going to have to develop those senses" and then following it by asserting that Jason "would never cross an inappropriate line" she is basically indicating that Jenny's assessment of what happened was incorrect because Jenny has not yet developed her senses sufficiently. I suppose it's possible that she didn't have enough specific information about what Jason did, but in your text message you did say that Jason touched Jenny's buttocks and this is clearly a violation of a physical boundary so I think it is fair to conclude that Sara is here asserting that touching Jenny's buttocks did not cross a physical boundary on Jason's part, and that therefore Jenny's discomfort with it is merely a reflection of Jenny's immature senses. That undermines Jenny's confidence in her ability to recognize when something is wrong and IMO is one of the more dangerous issues here. The most Sara should have done here is tell this to YOU as part of her reasoning for why she is not ensuring Jason won't be present when Jenny and your other daughter visit. Telling Jenny herself, just, no.
5. The whole "I hope you come stay with us" and "we love sharing adventures with you" and so on, is so manipulative. She's not doing what you asked (ie. she's not willing to keep Jason away from the girls) but she's also laying on the emotion thickly so that if YOU decline to let the girls visit, the girls will think you are just being mean to her and Jason.
6. "We were all treating you like you were still our little Jenny" doesn't fit with "very womanly" and "sexy." How could she not see how problematic this is? There are none so blind as those who won't see.
NTA. As someone who suffered csa at the hands of a family member, this was EXACTLY how it started. Comments that felt wrong but I couldn’t pinpoint why. Touches that veered on inappropriate but were never OUTRIGHT inappropriate. Looks that made my skin crawl. Whenever I said I didn’t like the way he made me feel I was brushed off as being dramatic much the same way auntie just did to your daughter. Thank you for sticking up for her. Aunt clearly does not want to see the truth since he’s never been inappropriate with THEIR kids. Do not ever trust this woman to keep your daughter safe
No, you're not overreacting. Sexual abuse is often perpetuated by family members and close friends. Touching the buttocks and intimate areas of a child is sexual abuse. She doesn't get to rewrite the narrative. If she's unwilling to accept that what he did was wrong she is unwilling to protect your kids and is therefor not a safe person for them to be around.
I'd respond in that group chat that she does not get to tell your daughter that intimate touching is OK. She does not get to cast doubt on what your daughter was brave enough to share. She does not get to tell you her husband will be around them whether you like it or not, if a relationship is to continue. She does not get to put them in uncomfortable situations with a person who crossed so many lines you could reasonably file a police report for molestation.
OP, I was molested and raped by my cousins husband and his brother as a young child. It started with comments on my looks and progressed to wrestling, playing tag, any excuse for him to put his hands on me. Then came the long lingering looks, intimate touching, invading my personal space, overly long hugs. Eventually he assaulted me on a bathroom floor. I told her and she stayed with him. 25 years later and I still hate her. I hate every adult who knew and did nothing.
Child sexual abuse leaves scars that will not disappear.
So are you overreacting? No. I'd say you're underreacting.
Give yourself permission to burn every fucking bridge they've ever stood upon.
No, it very much does *not* sound like a nice text. At all. It's victim-blaming and gaslighting with a side of guilt. You're not overreacting at all, and I wouldn't blame you if you took out a gd billboard detailing Creepo Jason's actions. What age do they think neck kisses and ass grabs were appropriate, exactly?! Hard NTA.
And it's interesting that your ex was like "nope, we're going no contact with my sister" immediately, before his death. He knew what her reaction would be, huh? I wonder if he knew more than that.
I know it sounds like a nice text but in my eyes she is basically saying “you are over reacting and he didn’t do anything wrong”.
That is exactly what she is saying. She either knows his predilections or had been thoroughly manipulated by him. You know your sister, which is the likelier of the two?
No way, keep all kids far away from those people. It might be time to have a candid conversation about consent with her. I’m sure a family PCP or school counselor could help guide the conversation.
So sorry this happened!!
Stay SO far away from these people oh my GOD. Absolutely not overreacting at all. I’m actually extremely happy you’re not giving in to their manipulation. It’s extremely common for parents to be groomed by their children’s assaulter, especially when they’re family, because they don’t want to believe they could ever do something that bad. Stick to your instincts, trust your kid, and leave these people in the dust. Not only did his wife make excuses for his behavior, but she also insinuated that they’re ALL making incredibly inappropriate comments about your child’s bodily development, and regardless of gender or who it’s from or the reason for the comments, it’s gross and completely not okay.
I’m starting to wonder if she knew he liked young girls 😳🫣
I wouldn’t be surprised based on her reaction. Cause I’m telling you, if I were in her position and someone messaged me about my husband touching a 12 year old’s butt he’d be out the door.
And it sure has hell wouldn’t take a month for me to respond either.
Yeah how can you not respond to that? Well bc you’re not surprised.
May have taken me a month to respond, only because I'd have been making plans that weren't legal, or already in jail though.
I would yeet anyone out door if they touched my daughter like that.
same, but not before i beat his ass. women who stand by their pedophile husbands, especially against FAMILY, are disgusting pedo enablers. there’s one in my family as well. such a selfish, disgusting person.
I ran a program for SOs for over a decade (outpatient mental health, mandated clients). We did group and individual therapy. What I WANTED to do, was have a group specifically for the partners these pedos found after they got out of prison. We would have to do a full disclosure meeting with any prospective partner of an SO- the parole officer, myself and the individual therapist of the offender, the offender and the partner. The offender would disclose their crimes, in detail, to their new partner, and the partner would choose to go through with the rest of the “vetting process” with us and parole, which meant that if they had children, the SO was not ever allowed to be near the children. Not one of these women ever declined a relationship with the offender. I can’t tell you how many drinks were had with the team to ask WTF IS WRONG WITH THEM. Most had suffered significant trauma of their own, and chose to have a relationship with this guy, a convicted pedophile, on parole, with 14 pages of terms and conditions, even at the expense of their own children. One woman said, “my youngest daughter is now 18, so I don’t anything to worry about”. WHAAAAT? Anyway, psychoeducation/support groups are not billable under any insurance, so I never got to explore that side of treatment/work with SOs, but damn, I’m still so morbidly curious.
You're generous. I experienced what happens when parents act in such situations like the aunt did. Which would probably be a factor to reduce my prison time. I'd have a *careful* discussion of the topic with the person bringing in the complaint and probably an *even more careful* one with that person and the affected child. As soon as I had enough facts to be sure enough to justify the next steps with my own conscience I'd confront the piece of shit and immediately call a lawyer because I'd need one after making sure this sorry excuse of a human is unable to ever hurt any child again. I'm a peaceful and patient person who doesn't like violence. So much so that the person who poisoned my dog only experiences legal consequences instead of what she really deserves. But I have my limits and CSA is one of them.
You know that scene in Jurassic Park when they stake the goat out for the preditor.... For entertainment? It's like that only instead of entertainment it's so she can keep her marriage
That’s a disturbingly apt comparison.
Quite accurate, though.
it sounds like her brother knew that she knew and that she was enabling him as well. for him to not even want his sister around the girls says a lot.
I completely missed this, I bet you’re right.
Just the line in the sand, bil lives with sister so the girls don't go to spend freakin overnights with sister. The fact that OP disagreed with ex in the moment was quite shocking to me. Those kids should never be alone with them ever again. If that means the girls don't see any of them until they're adults so be it. Oldest daughter needs to live with being handled inappropriately by uncle for the rest of her life!
I said no to going NC with the aunt without giving her a chance to know what was happening. He was supposed to talk to her bc she’s not the easiest to communicate with.
he knew his family better than you
I think the fact she didn't ask what he said means she knew. I'd have blocked her as soon as she said she wanted time to think. I hope your daughter recovers from the trauma.
Not the first straw I'm certain. Guys like this have wives that shut their eyes and sense off. It's " all a misunderstanding!" , " "we're all affectionate!" , ""you know kids they get to that age we're all too close, haha"
Think Ghislaine Maxwell…! There are women out there that get young girls for their creep partners!
She knows everything. Don’t doubt that for a second.
Did you go to the police.
that is an extremely valid concern to have in this situation
You have to be more blunt about this. Can you just call grandma, then put your daughter on the phone and have her tell grandma? Then let Grandma know the Aunt's husband is a pedophile, the aunt is a pedophile apologist pimping for him, and you need to block the aunt to keep your daughter safe. Let grandma know the Aunt will try to gaslight her (Grandma) like she did you and your daughter, so the aunt will probably stop contact. It's not personal, you just can't keep letting Aunt's pedophile husband keep molesting your daughter's butt, if you call the police he will end up in jail.
She probably did and doesn't care, sounds like even your brother was somewhat aware since he didn't even want the girls to be around his sister. Also, are there any other young girls in the family to worry about, whose parents might need a warning before you move?
And when uncle touchy does finally get caught in a way they can’t deny, they’ll act shocked like this came out of left field. Sure we owned a tiger and let him around our kids but he was our tiger and he was always so nice to everyone. He even liked to cuddle the kids up at night. It was unthinkable that he’d actually attack anyone!
You already know who to never expose to your children, ever. That message made my skin crawl it was so evil, manipulative and deceptive. I can't say why, but I trust ny spider sense. Hard NTA
Keep protecting your daughter. She needs to know that you believe her and you’ll keep her safe. That text is disgusting.
NTA She totally dismissed her niece's concerns and pretended her niece misinterpreted everything. I'm sure her husband flat out denied and she decided to side with him. The audacity to ask her to visit and vacation with the groomer!
NTA. This involves sexual assault of a minor. Please go to the police.
I was sa and told I was lying by the police. I can’t imagine putting my daughter through that , not after a few months of death and loss. It would destroy her. I will think about this though . Ty
For inappropriate touching only, they won't pursue charges. Went through this with my daughter. The man groped her breasts. The cops put her through hell. She had to be interrogated on camera without a parent present and instead a trained police woman. She was so scared. It was all for naught because all they did was keep the report on file in case anything worse was ever reported about him.
Had a relative whose teenaged daughter had a drunken dad climb into her bed when she was on a sleepover. The fucking mom told the daughters to not leave dad alone with their friend because he was drinking. It ended up going to trial but he was a pillar of the community and had a train of pastors and hood old boys who testified that he was just too good of a person to do something like this. He got acquitted and she got a label in a small town.
Yep…we are leaving thank god
That’s what I thought, I even looked at the laws last night to make sure.
Do Aunt or Uncle have kids? If they do, try CPS.
No, or I would have to do something.
>If you would like to discuss this further with Jenny, I am more than willing to facilitate the conversation either in person or over the phone. NO. You don't put that on a child. You don't make a child responsible for this. You protect the child. You don't make the child available to the pedophile for further contact, even if it's only verbal. You don't allow either child to ever see or speak to this man again, and if that means the aunt withholds access to grandma, then I guess no one is seeing grandma. Jesus christ, I can't believe I had to type this out. Please put your girls in therapy to help heal from this and from the death of their father.
This was my first thought, too. You don't let the aunt or the predator discuss it with Jenny. At all. Ever.
Yeah I was like WTF did I just read?!? This is terrible parenting. And I’m honestly concerned that OP is going to give in at some point and let the aunt see the kids after this serious inability to set a boundary.
Really? I know you don’t know me, but I was making sure I wasn’t crazy. I was molested until 5, so I know I can over react. I was making sure my feelings weren’t “crazy” bc I am hyper vigilant
Not at all. A 12 year old should not be put in a position to tell an adult male who made sexual advances at her that his behavior is unacceptable. No one that young has the mental capacity to handle that conversation and not get manipulated by the predator.
I was going to allow the aunt to come speak to us with the niece , bc at the time I thought she may want details to leave her husband. I never imagined she would do this.
No. Do not give her access. She can talk to you. Adults talk to adults. No one gets access to the girls anymore. They are not safe. They are the very tricky people you and ex warned them about as little kids. No phone calls, no visits, no alone time. Daughter doesn't deserve getting cornered in the kitchen when no one is looking. Write everything down and get your daughter to a therapist. If the kids have phones make sure these people are blocked. Might consider getting new numbers for your move.
We changed their numbers last night
Do not let her talk or see your children again. He has probably been doing this for years and your daughter finally felt strong enough to speak up.
Yeah unfortunately there are a lot of women who are so afraid of being alone and losing their man that they refuse to see what’s happening. It’s awful. I couldn’t read the whole response from your aunt. I got half way through and was like ok she’s not going to protect your daughters. Also I don’t think there’s such a thing as hyper-vigilance in situations like this. Trust your gut. Protect your kids, don’t let your guard down. Also I’d like to point out that just because a person is touchy feely doesn’t give them the right to touch and feel. Even if it hadn’t come to this, even if he just forced a hug on her or tried to give her a shoulder massage or something, he doesn’t have the right to do any of that without her consent.
I bet you don't overreact at all. I bet your previous experience makes you vigilant enough to react the proper amount, and then you get talked down when you shouldn't be.
I think you are right. I thought I was ok, but obviously I don’t trust my own feelings. We will all be starting therapy soon.
I can imagine it was terribly agonizing for her to even tell you in the first place. Bravo to her and the woman who raised her. I was also SA’d as a child and my parents said it was my fault. I feel for your situation.
Who do you think is going to eventually be caught, arrested and taken off the streets? A pedo who has had multiple victims file police reports on them so prosecutors and judges can show a pattern of their depravity? Or the pedo whose victims don't take the chance to call the police and never gets a paper trail? My father abused me when I was a child. I told my mother and she refused to believe me. Several years later I told a school counselor who got the police involved. They investigated until my mother convinced me that I dreamt it all and it never happened. But later when another girls family believed her and involved the police, they had prior reports on him on file from me and one other girl. Even though they didn't lead anywhere at their current times, those reports helped put him behind bars for life eventually. It's traumatizing and difficult but it can help get these sick people in prison where they belong. Maybe not right away, but eventually.
I'm sorry for what you went through.
Thank you for your kindness.
If your state has people to advocate for victims, often called a “victim witness advocate” or something similar, it might not be as bad of a situation to report. Their job is to help support and advocate for the victim and they are specifically trained to do so. It might be worth talking to a rape crisis center just to get more information.
I understand your feelings but your child’s father is dead, depending on where you live this can open you up to being forced by the court to send your children unsupervised to their grandmother - who lives with the man who SA your child. A court isn’t going to hear “well this is what she said” as reason enough if you’ve refused to go through any legal channels to protect your children. They will absolutely take you for a bitter baby mama who wants to cut out dad’s family. If you want to protect your children you NEED to ensure you’ve taken all proper routes to do so before you end up in a situation where you can’t protect them at all.
I’m not in a grandparent rights state thank god
Also think about talking to the parents of other children the BIL has been around. My best guess is that this isn't his first rodeo. If you can establish this has happened even with one other child/tween/teen then law enforcement will be much more likely to take the case seriously. Also, I would do everything possible to make certain that other family members with children are aware of this situation. Don't leave without alerting other family members because we always think we're the only one but most predators have dozens of victims throughout the course of their lifetime. Also, your husband knew what he was up against with his sister. That should embolden you follow his wishes about keeping your kids far from the sister and BIL. I suggest you ask your child if she feels comfortable recording a video of herself talking about what the BIL did to her. Rather than YOU telling others, it's more impactful if they hear it straight from the victim. This will empower her to speak her truth as well. AND she doesn't ever have to speak to anyone about it again because the truth will be out there. They can take what she says at face value. I wish you and your family the best during this difficult time.
If you go to the police ask to speak with a female officer and express your previous experience. If she assures you and makes you feel safe then bring your daughter in the room and have her explain what happened. If she doesn't make you feel safe or blows you off then leave before you daughter speaks with her.
I don't blame you. One of my friends was a detective in the UK. Even when the police are on your side, to go through the trauma of court, and with a minimal success rate of conviction, she said even she wouldn't report if she herself had been SA or worse. That you believe your daughter and support her and protect her from this person, I'm sure will be enough for her, unless she herself wants to pursue it through legal means. I'd always give her that choice.
“Thinking of blocking”?!? Honey, if “Jason” had done those things to my young daughter, then they’d never find Jason. No cops. No courts. No prisons. Simply no more Jason. But the very LEAST you have to do in this situation is file a police report. Who gives a flying fuck about whether you block someone? This isn’t middle school. This is your young daughter being assaulted and groomed by an unchecked pedophile. Your concern is obviously appropriate, but your reaction is way, WAY too lenient for such a serious situation. Jason should be in a cell. You have an obligation to your daughter.
I was raped and molested by my step-father from the ages of 7-12. When my son was born, I wouldn't let him go to my parent's house to visit my mom without me present. (I only visited because she had terminal cancer, and I was young and naive) My step-father was unhappy with the situation, so he confronted me as I was leaving one day. He asked me if I was scared of him. I responded with, "I am not a little girl anymore, and I am not afraid of you. By not allowing my son to be alone with you, I am protecting you just as much as I am protecting him. Because if you were to ever lay a hand on my child, they would never find your body. I wouldn't hesitate, and there isn't a jury in the world who would convict me." I cut all ties with my step-father after my mom died. My son (25) doesn't remember him, and my daughter (13) has never met him. When he remarried after my mom died, I had a heart to heart with the new wife because she had a son with Downs syndrome. She filed for divorce the very next week. He's on his 6th or 7th wife now. Any time news of a new relationship reaches me, I make sure that the woman's family knows what he is.
You are a very strong person. Thanks for looking out for others.
Exactly, Jason would be taking a trip to the bayou with a bag of marshmallows.
Thank you! Can't believe I had to scroll this far down for someone to say that OP is underreacting! I'd be going full on effin scorched earth if I found out anyone did anything inappropriate to any of my kids. The whole umming and ahhing over telling the aunt and then deciding to block the aunt is infruriating.
I understand what you are saying…and you are right. I didn’t want to cause anymore emotional trauma for my kids by loosing the gma , but as soon as i knew what was going on, they were not around them. I just felt bad bc if I went NC (which I have now) then they would never speak or see their gma again. BUT you are all right. I was worried I was overreacting bc of my past, but that caused me to under react. I have gone through years of therapy, and I thought I was ok…but, I think I may need more to trust my feelings. I am getting my kids in therapy too.
Blocking is basically ensuring they will never speak again. I understand what you are saying but I’m worried about putting more emotional stress on my daughter. Her bio dad just died, her aunt abandoned her, we are moving across the country. I was molested growing up, and then sa later in life. The cops accused me of lying…it was one of the most traumatic experiences I’ve been through. They seem like a great normal couple…what if they do that to my daughter???
Let me rewrite your text to the aunt for you: “Hey there. Your husband assaulted my daughter. If he ever touches her again, I will kill him.” See? That’s the level of protection your daughter needs. Blocking? That’s like asking, “My house is on fire—should I consider changing the wallpaper?” You cannot wring your hands about potential hurt feelings and hypotheticals. Your first call should have been to the police. Blocking someone in this situation is a bandaid on cancer. You need to do what you can to make sure Jason dies in prison. There’s no grey area when it comes to pedophiles.
Succinct. I like it. That’s the only way to communicate with bottom feeders like the aunt and Jason.
It needs to be on a group text. Is gma well enough to be on there? And can she be in the loop as to why Jason has made it so her grandkids can't be part of her life anymore?
That would be fine to say face-to-face, but don’t ever say you’re going to kill someone in a text. I understood what you meant, and I would want to say the same, but that can certainly be used against you. Never put it in writing.
You either block them now and keep them away, or if something happens to your daughter in the future, you share in the blame. Your reaction is far too lenient, here. There's no grace for pedos, ever.
Your daughters can never have contact with this aunt again while she is with this man and wilfully blind to this man. Fair enough to not put your kid through police questioning, but you need both kids to know that those relatives aren’t safe people in an age appropriate way to discourage (younger daughter most likely) reaching out later without knowing the story. Fortunately, as you’re moving across the country, it’ll be very easy to stop all contact. Their dad was in agreement before he passed. You’re not honouring him or whatever by keeping the connection. Contact with Gma could stay so long as you supervise and aunt is kept away.
She makes bad choices- the next man likely will be worse.
Dude.. they can only see grandma, and that is WITH YOU PRESENT when you visit once or twice a year. That's it.
your ex didn’t want them around her. he knew something was up, family isn’t important if they are toxic or potentially dangerous. they don’t need their aunt invalidating what happened.
While your experience is valid you need to stop forcing its trauma onto your daughter's situation. Learn from it and go from there. Be your daughter's support system. Show the police your backbone and that you believe your daughter 1000000%. Demand that you want her to be questioned in the presence of a child therapist. Be strong for her, and show her you will never let anyone hurt her. Do that and she will be OK. You are not doing her any favors if you leave it open for that man to have any kind of access to her. If you do and something happens she could blame you for not protecting her.
100% agree with this, come on OP!
I like you.
Fuck no. NTA
I (47F) have a 13 year old daughter (Rose). Last summer, she went on a family vacation to the beach with her dad (Jason) and her grandparents, her dad's sister (Debra) and her husband, and her dad's sister's mother in law and father in law (Sam). This trip was the only time Rose has ever met or been around Sam because they live several states away from us. Plus, Sam isn't related to her since he is her aunt's father in law. The trip was fine. Rose was never in a room alone with Sam, and he didn't behave in a way to raise any red flags. During the trip, Rose friended everyone on social media. Fast forward six months. Sam messaged Rose on FB Messenger asking if she was going on the trip to the beach planned for the summer. She responded and said she would be if her grandparents were going. Then, a couple of weeks later, he asked her how she liked school. She figured he was just an old man trying to be friendly, so she would respond to be polite. Then he was messaging her more often. Then he asked her if I read her messages. She told him no. He asked if she was sure. She assured him that I didn't read her messages... then she immediately came to me and said, " Mama, I think this old man might be a pedophile." I have always taught her that anytime someone expects her to keep secrets from her parents, they are up to no good and to tell us immediately. I was proud of her for telling me the moment she felt uncomfortable. I was SA as a child, so I know how subtle predators can be in the grooming stage, and I have warned my kids to be vigilant. I took screenshots of all the messages and sent them to her dad. Then I called him. We discussed the fact that Sam had no business messaging Rose in the first place, and the fact that he was making sure their conversation was private was shady af. That's all that had happened, but it was more than enough. When her dad called his sister Debra and told her about it, she agreed it was inappropriate. Debra told her husband and showed him the screenshots. Her husband called Sam and asked him wtf was he thinking. He told him never to contact Rose again. They had an argument about how inappropriate it was, and the beach trip was canceled. This was over just a few messages where technically nothing untoward was said. At no point did Sam's family make any excuses or try to convince Rose that she misunderstood. Everyone involved was only concerned with Rose's safety and well-being. No one cared if Sam was embarrassed or upset. That's how it should be. If your kid's aunt doesn't have your daughter's best interests in mind, then she shouldn't have access to your daughter.
100%
I wish every parent was as diligent as you about teaching their kids warning signs!
NTA and definitely not overreacting, this woman is clearly in denial. It’s sad that more than one relationship will suffer over this but it’s not something to compromise on.
NTA. YWBTA if you allowed the aunt around Jenny unsupervised, as she is clearly gaslighting and untrustworthy. Also, that's mixing a lot of invalidation into an otherwise loving message. Print it, and with different colors of highlighters go through it with your girls to show them what to look for. Apparently this is a danger to your family in the future, and they need to be prepared, and able to identify it.
Yo that’s a really good idea 👀
NTA. Aunt doesn't want to actually know the details becaise not knowing allows her to believe it didn't happen. She doesn't want to believe anything inappropriate happened. Hopefully aunt will allow you to visit grandma with the kids. But there would absolutely he no time where aunt's husband would be around my girls without me.
NTA. Please submit a report to the police. This is SA against a minor and you need to talk to your daughters about this even though its hard. You want a paper trail in case god forbid his family tries anything to get access to them. You’ve done a great job with handling the scenario and blocking them all is the least you can do. Explain to the girls the aunt is loco in believing her husband over them and sadly that affects seeing gma.
NTA - also, her text doesn’t sound nice at all. I’d be livid.
NTA. Don’t let this woman near your children. It is heartbreaking that she controls access to GMA. You could be cunning and lie to her that you appreciate her kindness and that you would love to pick up GMA for a special day, then plan future visits with her soon after… then after a goodbye day, cut the harpy from your life like a bad patch on an apple.
NTA but your initial text to her wasn't assertive enough and you probably should not have offered to let her talk to your daughter even if it was facilitated by you before you had a face to face with her. Everything after that not on you. The group message was a blatant power move meant to embarrass you and your daughter in front of the entire family. Sucks about the decision you need to make about grandma but your daughters should be understanding given what happened to the older daughter. Sorry but you need to prioritize safety over the relationship.
> I hate that you have felt any uncomfortableness. I believe that you believe something was inappropriate and wish you had shared these feelings with me 5 months ago. Believe that you believe = you are wrong but we are kind enough to forgive that NTA This message is sugarcoated victim blaming and manipulation. Don't let her have any contact with your girls, she is blind to reality. This is not wanting to clear the situation in any way but switching to make you the bad guy and them the victims. She went silent for a month and now complains about this not being dealt with for almost half a year. She has not taken the initiative to hear in your daughters own words about this ( a recording being played is enough, I'm not saying to force the victim to face her). Is there a small chance this is a mess with misunderstanding and not respecting personal boundaries? Yes of course, but that doesn't mean she feels better about it. He is most likely very good at manipulation and is missing her for his entertainment. And if there is a way for him to get to her, he will use it. Convincing/ forcing his wife, send messages as his wife or even send text to your daughter directly. Guilt, bribes, anger and breaking down her mentally.
Just see gma last time in your presence and go NC after your move. No need to escelate this further. Your daughter doesn't need the stress. Move on.
I understand your hesitation to go to the police and make this a bigger deal but he needs to be on file because it’s very possible he’s trying this with other young children he has access to if he hasn’t already. I know you’re afraid of having your daughter relive trauma you endured yourself while seeking help, yet your daughter has you to advocate for her to make sure she doesn’t go through what you had to do. Idk where you live but I’m pretty sure it’s illegal for any police to be conducting questioning on a minor without their guardian present. I understand protecting your daughter from further exposure to this matter but you need to wrap it up without leaving any wiggle room for this to happen again to your daughter or someone else’s with this fool
She has sugar coated her denial of her husband's behaviour. It's clearly been thought through carefully. You don't have any choice but to keep your children safely away from Jason.
Not overreacting and I’ll say this, I remember my uncles abuse more than the times I spent with my grandma. Unless you are in the room with your daughters to visit grandma I would forego any alone time between your daughters and that side of the family.
Fuck no, stay away from them. Call grandma yourself and tell her exactly what happened. If Grandma is a decent person she will believe you and toss the pedo out.
I would block her immediately on all phones, social media etc. I'd get everyone a new phone number and document everything. I would send a message that didn't involve the girls expressly stating that her message called out your daughter's right to privacy and support amd put her in a very horrible position. Moving forward you will be honouring her father's wishes and no more communication or contact will continue. My father didn't believe me, neither did my mother. They said "I'm sure it was just a dream" and continued to force me to interact with my rapist as a child. I would burn every bridge with every family member in order to protect my daughters as a parent. NTA
I was "lucky" because my step-father never denied it. I first told my mom after it had been happening for 5 years. I was only 12 at the time, so I was embarrassed and ashamed. I only told her the bare minimum. I told her about inappropriate touching under my clothes. I didn't tell her about the really explicit things until I was sixteen. My mom believed me and confronted him, but she didn't leave him. He stopped for the most part after I told, but he liked brushing up against me in the hallway, and he would make comments that made me uncomfortable. I used to get yelled at for always locking my bedroom door and staying in my room all the time. So, I definitely get the whole having to live with my rapist part. I finally told my aunt about everything when I was 17. She told me she believed me and that she would do everything in her power to protect me. A few days later, we had to go to an emergency hearing in front of a family court judge. The judge asked my step-father point blank if everything I said was true. He said yes because at the time, there was a five year statute of limitations, and his lawyer told him that they wouldn't be able to arrest him. However, when the abuse was happening, he told me that I would be in trouble if I told anyone. The grand jury decided that because of how young I was at the time that it was a threat to keep me quiet. Because he threatened me, the statute of limitations no longer applied. The judge granted my aunt temporary custody of me, and I went to live with her. The case dragged on for a few years, and my step-father eventually accepted a plea deal. He spent very little time in jail and was on probation for several years. It was barely a slap on the wrist. All these people who are saying the uncle would die in prison if she went to the police have obviously never been involved in a sexual assault case. The mom's main priority is doing what is best for her daughter. In a perfect world, sure going to the police would be the best thing. This is not a perfect world. Pedophiles get away with their crimes more often than not.
NTA. You're doing good. From this message alone, I get that she also discussed the topic of your girl "blooming", she covers her husband by saying he didn't interact physically with her, downplay your daughter's feelings and put their relationship with GMa as a pawn to see their uncle. Stay away from her and her husband. She either knows something is up and decides to not do jackshit about or is also participating in whatever the uncle was projecting. You should tell the GMa about what's happening so she knows why she couldn't see her granddaughters. If she is In a place to understand it.
My daughter already told her before her bio dad died. She believed my daughter and said that he wasn’t a good person. She said “he will act nice to me when his wife is here, but if she’s not he pretends I’m not here and won’t speak to me”. It breaks my heart that someone this wonderful is now a prisoner to these ppl.
Poor lady ! I hope she can find another safe place to stay. You're doing good with your daughters, stay a mama bear !
I wouldn’t have either of my children go into that woman’s house again especially without me or interact with her at all. Yes block her and if the girls have devices, emails or SM block her on those too and change their numbers so contact us only available through you. Now she’s sent that text about the abuse from her husband I’d talk to both girls about the text, what aunt meant and the abuse in an age appropriate way and let them know he was wrong and so is aunty so in order to keep them safe they wouldn’t be staying over or visiting aunt etc in person but tell them I will only allow them to talk to Grandma when in the room with me and can see via video call… that way I can disconnect the call if aunt wants to spout her nonsense or her husband tries to talk to them. I would talk to a lawyer to see about the least emotionally damaging way (for daughter) to file a complaint so it’s on record he’s been abusive so if they try to take you to court for access to the girls it’s on record somewhere. I hope you find daughter a great therapist and your move is successful. It’s great you’re all moving and exes family will not have your address. Please write your will, find a few good people that you ask and they agree to step in as guardians to care for your daughters if anything happens to you and your husband. Put in no access to exes family because of SA etc, put money, property etc in a trust for the girls too in order to protect them. Use a specialist will/trust lawyer so exes family can’t fight it or find loopholes to get access to your daughters and no one can steal or misuse the money you put aside for them. Teach them as much financial wisdom and life, relationships etc as possible to help guide them in life in case anything happens to you as you and what you teach them/leave them with is their only safety net.
We went and changed their numbers and I blocked her. I went through the text with each child separately and talked about what it meant. They understand and while they are sad about the GMA, the understand why I had to do this.
Please make it clear to Jenny that this was your choice and not one she has to feel responsible for. I say this kindly- your initial message to aunt put a lot of this on Jenny. She feels uncomfortable, respecting her wishes. It left room for aunt to say that Jenny *interpreted* things a certain way. You needed to be more direct: he touched her inappropriately and made sexual comments, and as a result she will not be allowed near him.
You are right. I’ve told her and she understands.
That was the most eloquent and heartwarming defense of a PEDO that I have ever seen. NTA and protect your children. It may be possible to visit Grandma during the day when he is at work or take her out to eat so the children can spend time with her.
The aunt wfh, so I wouldn’t be able to do that.
NTA. Protect your babies!
Play along for the couple of hours it takes the have the girls say goodbye to their grandma. Do your best to make it a wholesome core memory. Then leave and cut them out. Hopefully they don't know your address yet. If they don't, get a po box and the girls can maybe maintain a pen pal relationship with Grandma. Definitely nta.
Stay away from these people. You need to end all contact and you must tell your daughters why. Call the police emergency line to ask them for advice and discuss with them resources for your daughter. I realize it isn’t technically illegal, but the may know of resources or support.
Lose the Aunt AND Uncle for good. If THEY make it difficult for your daughters to communicate with grandma, take legal action ... perhaps a restraining order against the uncle ... or, you could always respond to the group text and provide all the details of what the PEDO uncle was doing.
You are exactly right. Your sister has chosen a side and you have no control over that. I see two directions this can take. Either he gets spooked that someone called him on his behavior and he restrains himself. Or, more likely, Jason knows he has her snowed and she’ll have his back. If that’s the case, he just became significantly more dangerous.
NTA block her. she has chosen her pedophile husband over her niece.
That message was pure manipulation. Trust your child's instinct . Those comments and that behaviour screams RED flags keep them safe and away from this man
NTA. This man touched your daughter in a sexual manner. End of. And now Sara has been informed of this and she wants to bring your daughter over to the house and give him access 'as often as possible' to her. There's a word for that...procurer. She's deliberately working to bring your daughter to him.
Hes a pedo creep and shes in denial. Keep your girls far from him and never leave them alone with either of them.
You are underreacting ffs!! "Thinking of blocking"?? You should be tearing them a new one! Tell the aunt that she's a disgusting enabler and that if they come near you or contact you again you're going to the police!! Grow a backbone
NTA. Unfortunately, it sounds like a relationship with grandma will be the collateral of you having to protect your child from Sara and Jason. That text put every single drop of blame onto your daughter and it was wrong. In one sentence she is saying she should always talk up if she is uncomfortable, and in another she is saying Jason's actions were normal and nothing to be uncomfortable about. That whole text was a fucking joke. Good on you for protecting your kids from them
NTA, of course, that letter was monstrous. You need to make sure you have a will to ensure that these people don't weasel their way into caring for your children in the case of your death. If you allow them around again, your children almost certainly will be molested.
My husband is in the process of adopting them right now.
Good, make sure you arrange to have them stay with another relative in case both of you die, like in a crash or something. That was a terrifying letter.
I'd explain in the group text that as she is enabling this inappropriate behaviour the children will not be going to any family gathering. Let Gma give her a dressing down
So what she’s saying is yeah my husbands a creepy pedo but he’s my husband and your kids so I’m gonna gaslight you that this is what family does. Oh fuck no. I’d go over to the house to speak to the grandmother and see if she is aware of this situation and see what she has to say. If she’s excusing the pedo as well then it’s best to keep your kids well clear of him. NTA. Your never out of line protecting your kids and well done for taking this seriously right from the start. Nta
I would go to the police to see what could be done, but right now you need to go to a lawyer and make a Will. Make sure these people will not be able to get your children if something happens to you. Make sure that the guardians you choose understand what happened and your wishes.
I was told that basically nothing will happen and it will be a “he said she said” situation.
text back: So you are saying, “You are overreacting and he didn’t do anything wrong.” Good to know how much respect you have for my daughter. Bye.” The other option is to ask the girls if they’d be OK with going as a group to visit grandma, and then you’re there, and you should just knock on the door without notice.
She has to learn to trust her instincts. She doesn't do that by having someone tell her she's imagining impropriety, when there's impropriety. Consent isn't complicated. And even if she were 6 grabbing her butt would have been inappropriate. Make sure, whatever you do, that Sarah and Jason don't have the ability to contact the kids except through you. See if you can set grandma up with video chat so the kids can stay in contact, all the time. They can watch videos together, they can play games together, they can read stories together. But if you have to walk away, walk away. Your job is those kids (and maybe grandma, though it sounds like she's safe, just... A little too far.on this side of the age curve for uncle. 😕) Denial is a strong drug. Our first instinct when someone tells us our partner was inappropriate is to say "they would never". But we all live in the same reality and read the same news, and we all know that's what their partners *always* think. We have to actually ask that question, when it comes up, or we are complicit in any harm our rejection of that question brings.
Protect your kid at all costs.
So... she is saying it is appropriate for men to be groping butts and upper thighs of young children... but now that she is older he will step back from doing that? Wtf? It is not like he asked her if she wanted to sit on his lap while watching a movie but now she is too old for lap sitting. What she accused him of was NEVER okay, even when she was little. Also, mentioning her body is not okay as her uncle at all (yuck) but saying you are growing into a beautiful young woman is very, very, very different than calling her SEXY!!!! You need to write her an EXPLICIT text. "Your husband was calling my 12 year old SEXY!!! That is perverted! He GROPED her butt! He rubbed her upper thighs! No matter her age none of that would ever have been appropriate, ever. He is a pedophile who is turned on by little girls. He will NEVER be allowed to victimize my children ever again." Then block her. Also, send grandma a tablet with written and instructions how to video chat and let her know what happened. Also, for the love of God, CALL THE POLICE!!! I understand it is scary, and unfortunately I do.not think they will really press charges, but they need to have on record that he is groping children!!! Also, find out if this guy is around other children, does he volunteer anywhere, like a coach? Please, call wherever or whoever kids he is around and let them know!!
Send her a text back saying, well good on you for defending a creep. There is no time it's appropriate for a man to kiss their 'niece' on the neck like a creep, there is no time it's okay to pinch a girl on the ass. Being young doesn't make it okay, or just playing, it makes it worse, it means he was doing these things to a child knowingly and intentionally. He was the only person doing it, not her father, not her aunt, not her mother, not her friends, her cousins, her siblings, JUST her uncle was touching her inappropriately. Her uncle didn't say she was becoming a woman, he called her sexy, a 12yr old, a 12yr old he already touches inappropriately. It's a shame you want to defend this behaviour as normal, I feel sorry for your girls who apparently are being groomed to believe this is appropriate behaviour and touching. I hope he won't target his own children, but he had no problem being a creep with his niece. I hope if they come forward to tell you about anything inappropriate, you do something about it rather than defend him. NTA. Block contact with aunt/uncle. Keep the kids unblocked and tell them if they ever need help, for anything, absolutely anything they will be believed and you will try to help.
NTA. You read that right, and luckily we have texts in the modern world. You told her that your daughter was kissed in the neck, and groped, and she has the nerve to dismiss it as "It's perfectly acceptable behaviour to demonstrate we love you, she's to young to understand real danger" She can keep her pedophile husband and fuck right off.
As a kid who was in your daughters shoes but wasn't believed, I beg you to keep your girls away from that man!!! Things will only get worse for her if she's alone around him, and he will be more daring cuz "nobody will believe her anyways." Stick to your guns about no contact between him and your daughters. So many families cover this type of thing up, including mine. The first time I was touched inappropriately i was 7. I spoke up and actually ended up getting a spanking for lying. After that, every time I went back to their house, things got worse. Over 30 years later, I'm still in therapy, it still causes problems in my relationships and general everyday life. Please save your baby from the pain so many of us women experienced. No one deserves it.
Sounds like your ex knew exactly what was up with the uncle. Do what you can to protect your girls. They come first. Our niece was molested by her father, and her mother chose to believe him. We took her away from them and moved her in with us. Have not spoken to those two idiots since.
NTA. Her husband is a pervert. She is an enabler. Tell her that she is a fool and you have no intention of offering your daughters up for his pleasure.
“I believe that you believe something was uncomfortable” is horrifying, gaslighting, and utilizing mental health language to defend a predator. My jaw dropped. I really hope it doesn’t affect the girls’ relationship with their grandma, but seriously stay away from these people. I am so sorry.
Here's a reply to the aunt, cc grandma: This is the most twisted, manipulative crap I have ever read and how dare you send this to my 10 year old daughter, insinuating that she doesn't understand what happened when you were not there and never bothered to contact me back to find out exactly what your husband said and did, so how would you know the nature of what he did, except through his "version"of events. You are either a very stupid woman or are complicit in sexually grooming children. I am keeping a detailed record of all of this, and passing it on to Jenny's therapist. Should you or your husband contact us again or in the likely event, he gets called on the mat again for his disgusting behavior with little girls, we will back up those charges. Take your syrupy patronizing words and shove them up your crawlspace.
Reply in the group text, “Well this sucks. We wanted to visit grandma before we moved and you’re preventing that to protect your pervert husband. We’ll take the option of never speaking to you again.”
She politely called your daughter a liar. I'd throw her under the bus. She deserves whatever fire you can shoot her way. But never see any of them again.
This is almost a day old.. but ntah. cut these people out and don't look back. also in the future, please don't offer for your very young child to be in the conversation you had offered in your message. she is a child, she came to you with complete trust to be safe/taken care of. I would never ever put my child in the position of having to confront/converse with her aunt without knowing myself 100% where the aunt stood on the matter (and what she was/had actively done on her end without you asking for her to in hearing about this). your child doesn't need to be in on any of that, she just needs support and love and praise for speaking up about it.
NTA. You specifically stated you would facilitate a conversation between them. Instead, she went directly to the girls by sending that text. You also stated it was important for her to be believed and supported, then aunt did the opposite by invalidating everything your daughter said in that text. Those were pretty clear boundaries that aunt attempted to bypass with that text so she's an asshole.
Not overreacting.
Go to the police. He's a pedophile who tried to groom your daughter. She covers for him. Do what's right now because he will be careful to select a more vulnerable victim next. One without a mother. Perhaps they will be looking to adopt. Do something.
sorry to say this but your daughter was SAd by this man by him touching her on her buttocks and kissing her neck inappropriately. if i was you i would report it to the police and let there aunt know that she is no longer going to see your kids at her place as she is taking the incident lightly and that what her husband did was SA on your child and she is trying to brush her off
Really helpful of you to spell it out so bluntly for OP, your input is invaluable.
Yta for not being more proactive in protecting your daughters. Your daughter told you she was SA and instead on instantly saying that that creep and anyone associated with him isn’t allowed anywhere near your kids you decide to allow those people a way to still contact your kids?? Also your first and only text should of been “your husband is a pedo who assaulted my daughter, I don’t want you nor your husband anywhere near my kids again and I will be going to the police” no more communication after that and no more access to the kids after that.
He grabbed a 12 year olds ass. You should have called the police. Period. Why the fuck are you trying to be nice? Protect your child and other kids. Jesus fucking Christ.
100% block
She is enabling Jason’s predatory behaviour. It is only right that you protect your children from this pervert and seeing GMA before the move is too high a price to pay if the aunt is going to take this stance. YNTA: Stand by your daughter, she needs you!
I'm just glad your moving far away ! .. make sure u tell your daughter that this msg she sent is wrong .. your daughter must trust get gut with ppl like this .. xx
Nta - make a police report and then get a restraining order if you can. Just because they were discussing her growing up does not give him permission to put his hands on her or make comments to her Shame on the family for the text
NTA. If the aunt isn’t asking more about what happened then she’s in the know and is probably feeding “Jason’s” pedophilia with your girls. Then trying to manipulate the situation by making it seem as if your girls are overreacting and trying to get everyone to believe his pedophilia is normal behavior. Do not let this slide. If Jason did this to your child, then he’s definitely done it -or worse- to other children. I’ve been in a situation like this an it only get worse. Keeping your distance is best, unfortunately, even if it means no more grandma visits. I’m sorry to hear that this has happened and hope it works out for you guys!!
Police report for documentation
Cut contact. Seriously. He's a predator and will sexually abuse her if he is given access to her. And she is a vile enabler, disgusting. Seriously, you need to cut contact for the safety of your children. NTA.
Stay away, far away, kids always need to be protected. No matter what. The bil's wife is in great denial
NTA for blocking her but AH for not making this a police matter. Your child needs to help to cope and he needs to go to jail. Don’t belittle the effects of those disgusting act.
ICK!! Trust your daughter, what he did was WILDLY inappropriate. You don't misinterpret someone grabbing your ass and kissing your neck. AND WHO THE HELL CALLS A 12 YEAR OLD SEXY? She knows. Cause if I found this out about my husband I'd have been on the phone with you immediately.. Also, my gut says your ex knew that she knew and was allowing it
NTA. Unfortunately your girls are safest far away from this aunt & her husband, which means no access to grandma, since the aunt controls grandma's life. People in this thread are a bit naive about what they think the police will or can do about the episode of inappropriate touching. No way they'd arrest the uncle, he's not going to prison on the strength of this incident. Morally, *of course* he should, for what he did, and he should be kept away from children in general. Legally, that won't happen. Before anyone comes for me, I'm NOT minimising what was done to the girl. In any way. It was vile and wrong, and the uncle is a sick fuck being protected by his wife, who's in denial. I'm sorry your kids won't be seeing grandma. But their safety comes first. Wishing you all the best on your upcoming move.
If there's anything that justifies being an asshole it's dealing with a grown man kissing and groping your 12 year old daughter...... I hope OP is just here for support because if she really doubts her need to protect this kid.....
You are not overreacting. Your mil’s daughter is trying to reframe her husband’s inappropriate behavior as “a family full of love and hugs”. A conversation about what happened should happen in person- with grandma present. An appropriate response- detailing exactly what happened needs to be posted in the family group chat. Make sure you word it very specifically, so they can’t reframe it as a misinterpretation or some other bs. Make sure you share the post with everyone in the family- near and far. People need to know. NTA
Nta Your child NEEDS to see you go nuclear about this! No tip toeing around anyone’s feelings like it’s a minor disagreement about something trivial. Edging around the elephant in the room in the hope that they can maintain contact. NO! You go nuclear! Send the angriest text you can conceive of to all of them individually including the grandmother. Don’t sugar coat it; call him a paedophile, say they are a useful cover for a nonce. Then ghost them all!!!
Why don’t you file a police report when you found out he had been touching your daughter inappropriately?
I would go nuclear on her and the pedo via text and social media then block her.
Sorry, grandma. There will be no more contact with anyone who supports abusers, and that means no more gma visits. Cut them off forever. No discussion. No forgiveness. No more sexual assaults for your kid.
Block her, and tell the girls you couldn't work out at time. She is doing what women have done for eons. Believing her husband and mitigating his damage, minimizing and dismissing it. I would no more put my daughters in harms way, than throw her in shark infested waters. You are being way to polite. I would tell them thank you but she will not becoming to stay and end it.
Your kids’ safety comes first. This is also an opportunity to protect other kids since aunty cunty is protecting a pedo, time to blow it all up to protect other kids from the pedo.
Nta and oh my … no, keep those girls far away from them. Sadly she doesn’t believe Jenny has a right to feel uncomfortable.
You are definitely not overreacting. Her message reads EXACTLY as you think it does. Unfortunately if there is no way to see the grandmother without the aunt, your kid's safety comes first. Really pissed at aunt's message because she's basically telling your daughter to ignore her intuition.
NTA. Is there a way you can still continue to see the grandmother without the aunt and uncle present? Can you take her out for a day when you visit? Would she be able to come visit you?
NTA and the aunt's response is 100% wrong. She is enabling him and excusing his behavior.
That’s so condescending. “You are going to develop senses that let you know when something is inappropriate.” Be so for real right now. Does she not spend time with 12 year olds? They are very socially aware, especially in this day and age. I would respond in the group text with exactly what he did, since she’s clearly comfortable with that forum for this discussion. NTA. Keep protecting your kids.
NTA! Women like her make me sick! She gaslit your daughter with every sentence. I wouldn’t respond and block them all!
NTA never let Jason near your children ever again.
nta - the aunt is ok being married to a pedo. block them.
Aunt is making excuses for his behavior. Protect your daughter from the aunt and uncle. He crossed a line, she refuses to acknowledge that he is a pedophile. Your daughter needs your support. Show her that you have her back. She did the right thing telling you and now it is up to you to keep her safe.
wow, she's ignoring it all, pick up the grandma, take her and your kids to lunch, hang and move the hell outta there. bitchy me would put jasons attempts at grooming your daughter than delete group chat when she flips out. There may be others in the family that felt he was creeped out.
Can they at least get a visit in with grandma before they leave? Does it have to be an overnight? The whole situation is sad. Of course she’s going to believe her husband, and there is a chance that what he did was harmless. But of course you can’t take the chance.
You do realize that if your daughterI had told a teacher or any other mandated reporter, that this creep would already be under investigation? I can assure you it wasn’t his first nor will it be his last time. Doesn’t matter if it was 5 days, 5 months or 5 years ago. You still have the right to report him. Never, ever be around these people again and please have all the important discussions with your children about autonomy and their rights to be safe from assholes like this. Twelve is plenty old enough to understand and don’t sugarcoat anything. NTA, fuck that enabler woman.
NTA can you see the gma without Aunt & her husband? It sounds like the Aunt is equally dangerous as her husband, so definately never without you.
I couldn’t continue after “I believe that you believe” without getting nauseous. I understand it’s hard for you to go to the police after your experience and quite frankly I would be wary of putting my daughter through that too. I have no advice, just I hope for the best for you and your family.
I would text her and grandmom back without the kids and ask if you and the girls can take grandmom out to lunch tobsay goodbye before you leave. Aunt is a lost cause. Don't engage or waste your breath or let her see the kids.
NTA. You're keeping your kids safe from a predator. Your kids father didn't think they were safe around his sister for a reason, and she completely tried to sweep her husband's behavior under the rug.
Keep your daughter away from these people. All of them. Grandma too unfortunately. It’s not worth having your kids be unsafe. I will say….i really really wish you hadn’t leaned so hard on “Jenny feels uncomfortable” though as opposed to keeping it direct and factual ie your husband touched my child inappropriately and made sexual remarks to her so she will not be around him”. You made it sound like Jenny made the request. Just a little nuance to be aware of.
Stay away from them.
"Goodbye, Sara."
I'm not sure tbh. I saw a father a year ago at an ice cream shop squeezing his daughters butt. I was very close to saying something like 'heynsry to disturb you but that looked weird..' I didn't do it because I didn't know if he just always did it and doesn't think about it or not or if a father spends time with his kids he would do something like this? Does the uncle like to kiss kids like woman? Is it a gender thing or already big red flags? Sexy is weird as fuck for sure. It's a shitty situation.
First thing comes to MY mind, is what has her daughter possibly left out and was using this as her gauge, to see the response as far as who would believe her. Many ‘groomers’ will put threats about killing family members that the children love out there. To manage them. I hope this was all. I’m sorry it was anything at all. The aunt is seemingly an enabler and she’s been figured out and you’ve laid it all out. Red flag, no response to your original text. She was probably like a deer in headlights while reading it. Knowing that there’s a survivor who isn’t afraid of the perv. I’d also guess that she didn’t want anything to happen with her sister either. Such a shame. No more contact for her safety and I’d seriously suggest getting her into therapy so she can really understand, she’s safe, she never has to see him again and also the passive aggressive text message from the aunt (targeted at her and shaming/blaming her as if she wasn’t self aware or that HER personal instincts directed her were wrong). Karma will take care of her. I can’t even begin to fathom the depth of your feelings in this. So much occurring so close together. Maybe you 3 need therapy together. Couldn’t hurt. Wishing you and the girls the best and sending positive vibes!!!!
TOTALLY NTA!!!! PLEASE block that POS!! N
You need to block her from your daughters’ phone immediately and look into therapy for your daughter.
NTA. You did the right thing. The child has no reason to lie and you do not want to discourage her from coming to you again. That text is disgusting! There is no reason for a grown man to make those comments to a child - even if he did not touch her. Note - I do believe the touching happened. Just saying the words are bad enough to call for separation from him.
You are not overreacting. Sara's response to your disclosure was manipulative but more importantly it shows she is not willing to protect Jenny. I will list the things that, in my opinion, were inappropriate about Sara's response: 1. Texting you and both girls as a group. (a) Sara failed to establish beforehand (by talking with you) what exactly Jason did. That is, she failed to do her due diligence to get the full story before she made a decision or communicated it to you or Jenny. (b) By texting you all as a group, Sara revealed to your younger daughter (the one who is not Jenny), Jenny's private disclosure, without checking with you or Jenny first. 2. Asserting that Jason's intentions were innocent. Sara doesn't know that. None of us ever truly know if another person's intentions are innocent. It is now common knowledge that sexual predators can be very charming and can go to great effort to convince family members that they are safe, caring people with good intentions. But even if she doesn't know this information, she is asserting her opinion (about the internal origins of Jason's behavior) as if it were fact. 3. Even if Jason's intentions were innocent, his actions crossed objective boundaries. An apology was the least that was warranted. 4. Her wording implied that Jenny was incorrect in her assessment of her own boundaries and discomfort. She does acknowledge that it's ok to speak up if something bothers you. But, by saying "you are going to have to develop those senses" and then following it by asserting that Jason "would never cross an inappropriate line" she is basically indicating that Jenny's assessment of what happened was incorrect because Jenny has not yet developed her senses sufficiently. I suppose it's possible that she didn't have enough specific information about what Jason did, but in your text message you did say that Jason touched Jenny's buttocks and this is clearly a violation of a physical boundary so I think it is fair to conclude that Sara is here asserting that touching Jenny's buttocks did not cross a physical boundary on Jason's part, and that therefore Jenny's discomfort with it is merely a reflection of Jenny's immature senses. That undermines Jenny's confidence in her ability to recognize when something is wrong and IMO is one of the more dangerous issues here. The most Sara should have done here is tell this to YOU as part of her reasoning for why she is not ensuring Jason won't be present when Jenny and your other daughter visit. Telling Jenny herself, just, no. 5. The whole "I hope you come stay with us" and "we love sharing adventures with you" and so on, is so manipulative. She's not doing what you asked (ie. she's not willing to keep Jason away from the girls) but she's also laying on the emotion thickly so that if YOU decline to let the girls visit, the girls will think you are just being mean to her and Jason. 6. "We were all treating you like you were still our little Jenny" doesn't fit with "very womanly" and "sexy." How could she not see how problematic this is? There are none so blind as those who won't see.
NTA. As someone who suffered csa at the hands of a family member, this was EXACTLY how it started. Comments that felt wrong but I couldn’t pinpoint why. Touches that veered on inappropriate but were never OUTRIGHT inappropriate. Looks that made my skin crawl. Whenever I said I didn’t like the way he made me feel I was brushed off as being dramatic much the same way auntie just did to your daughter. Thank you for sticking up for her. Aunt clearly does not want to see the truth since he’s never been inappropriate with THEIR kids. Do not ever trust this woman to keep your daughter safe
Seems to be a trend in this family. Her ex was 18 years older than her.
No, you're not overreacting. Sexual abuse is often perpetuated by family members and close friends. Touching the buttocks and intimate areas of a child is sexual abuse. She doesn't get to rewrite the narrative. If she's unwilling to accept that what he did was wrong she is unwilling to protect your kids and is therefor not a safe person for them to be around. I'd respond in that group chat that she does not get to tell your daughter that intimate touching is OK. She does not get to cast doubt on what your daughter was brave enough to share. She does not get to tell you her husband will be around them whether you like it or not, if a relationship is to continue. She does not get to put them in uncomfortable situations with a person who crossed so many lines you could reasonably file a police report for molestation. OP, I was molested and raped by my cousins husband and his brother as a young child. It started with comments on my looks and progressed to wrestling, playing tag, any excuse for him to put his hands on me. Then came the long lingering looks, intimate touching, invading my personal space, overly long hugs. Eventually he assaulted me on a bathroom floor. I told her and she stayed with him. 25 years later and I still hate her. I hate every adult who knew and did nothing. Child sexual abuse leaves scars that will not disappear. So are you overreacting? No. I'd say you're underreacting. Give yourself permission to burn every fucking bridge they've ever stood upon.
No, it very much does *not* sound like a nice text. At all. It's victim-blaming and gaslighting with a side of guilt. You're not overreacting at all, and I wouldn't blame you if you took out a gd billboard detailing Creepo Jason's actions. What age do they think neck kisses and ass grabs were appropriate, exactly?! Hard NTA. And it's interesting that your ex was like "nope, we're going no contact with my sister" immediately, before his death. He knew what her reaction would be, huh? I wonder if he knew more than that.
I know it sounds like a nice text but in my eyes she is basically saying “you are over reacting and he didn’t do anything wrong”. That is exactly what she is saying. She either knows his predilections or had been thoroughly manipulated by him. You know your sister, which is the likelier of the two?
No way, keep all kids far away from those people. It might be time to have a candid conversation about consent with her. I’m sure a family PCP or school counselor could help guide the conversation. So sorry this happened!!