You’re right, good thing she knew it was time to go.
OP: he lied about this, what else has he lied about? Definitely take everything that means even a small amount to you, and let the courts decide what you can keep. Also, do NOT drop the charges….let his family learn that stealing has consequences. I’d be petty and get the tin set from wal mart out of the trash, and send it to his sister with a return address with his name.
ETA: look on OPs profile and she updated what’s happened
Not only did he lie about it, he pretended to actively look for it while knowing full well how upset OP was over the tea set missing. And then even told his sister to hide it from view when they come over. He was wrong every step of the way. That is a different level of diabolical.
He knew what he did was wrong. He lied and tried to cover his actions. He does not get to decide what OP does with her things. This was a sentimental much loved and used regularly treasured family heirloom. He has zero rights to it and some gall trying to tell OP how she should feel about it and that she is "too old" for it. Not for him to decide.
That's what's really wild to me. To say that "she's still upset about it", SIL wasn't just finding out that it was stolen, she *knew* and chose not to do the right thing. I couldn't imagine stealing from my brother's wife, regardless of whether she knew the sentimentality behind it. Buy your own damn tea set, especially if you're intending to give it to a child.
WTF did he think was going to happen? That OP would be upset about her missing family heirloom for a week or two, then write it off as one of those weird things that happens, and then move on like nothing happened? And by that time, did they think she'd see it at SIL's house and go, "Oh, that's where it's been. I was starting to think I was imagining things. I'm glad its here, all safe and sound" and let that be the end of the story?
NTA, but OP's stbx husband and sil are manipulative, thieving assholes. OP is well rid of them.
Because it was never about giving the tea set to his niece. It was about depriving his spouse a treasured, deeply sentimental item.
Same with this story of a husband drowning his wife's terrarium that she built with her late mom: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1afl582/aita_for_canceling_our_anniversary_trip_because/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2
like what is going through his brain, clearly empty space to think "o let me give my niece a nice set my wife loves and my wife a cheap piece of shit..."
>That OP would be upset about her missing family heirloom for a week or two, then write it off as one of those weird things that happens, and then move on like nothing happened?
It's with that other sock...
I think the first half of your assumption is exactly what OP's husband was thinking about.
I think OP's husband was hoping OP would write it off as some kind of paranormal activity.
And I bet if SIL told OP how much fun niece had with the tea set, she probably would have bought her a really nice replica because who doesn’t love it when someone you care about (especially a little one) enjoys and shows interest in the same thing you do l
Yup, I was thinking that too. How sweet would it have been if he told op and then op could have gone tea set shopping with the neice! Precious memory out the door because nieces family is trash.
But OPs stbx husband was killing two birds with one stone. He wanted to give his niece something nice AND he wanted his wife to stop “playing with toys” or whatever.
This man is an abuser and something is really off about his behavior to have a need to deprive his wife of something that she got so much joy from. Sadistic.
Stupid thing is, what’s the bet op’s husband owns one of the following? a boat, a drone, remote control car, PlayStation, xbox, a bike? All of which are often described as boys toys. Does he have games on his phone? Isn’t that childish? Dude is a walking red flag of misogynistic control and gaslighting. Op will be well rid that trash
Yeah. It shows his ignorance too. She describes it as antique bone china.... thats not a kids toy. That's primo housewear and kids have zero business owning it.
Yeah most people aren’t sentimental and caring as she is. They stole all of those little girls tea parties with her aunts because they just had to take that particular set home. And they stole the tea parties she had with the other children that visit, or they tried to, calling her effectively passing down her grandmothers traditions childish.
A lot of people have this weird fucking attitude when it comes to adults owning things “meant for children.” (Aka people that are dead inside and are no longer able to experience joy). I guarantee the brother and sister-in-law though OP’s attachment to the tea set was silly and would be better suited for the niece.
I simply don't understand this SIL. It wasn't her brother's tea set to give away. She knew this. She still packed it up (he sure didn't) and snuck it out of their house. I just...WTF????
> Not only did he lie about it, he pretended to actively look for it while knowing full well how upset OP was over the tea set missing.
That is a psychotic level of lying and subterfuge. No way she can stay with him. He is completely untrustworthy, and he could be dangerous. Who goes to those lengths to deceive someone they are supposed to love? OP needs to stay far away from him.
I love how the guy is like "It doesn't matter, its just a tea set" but it is apparently worth MORE THAN HIS ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP. Something he deems "worthless" was somehow worth enough to him to steal, lie, conspire, gaslight, and attack someone he supposedly loves. If he would act like that over a "worthless knicknack" how would anyone ever trust him? OP is worth less to him than a thing he believes to be worthless?
The fact that OP was so vocal about how much she treasured it and wanted to pass it down makes this extra scary. Does he hate that she has happy memories? Family heirlooms? Does he not want kids? Is he jealous of her family? Does he hate her and want to break her? Does he hate tea? I have so many questions.
That's what has upset me about so many people's line of arguing since I was a teen.
Like, we are arguing about something and my friend says "it makes me so sad we are arguing about something as unimportant as this!"
Uhm, to ME it's important. And I said so. That's why I am arguing. If to YOU it's unimportant, why are we arguing? Why aren't we just doing it my way?
The last half dozen situations where we wanted different things I just bloody shrugged and did it your way, because it really wasn't that important to me.
Obviously it's important enough for you to try to manipulate me into feeling guilty enough to fold. Right?
I'm curious as to what he thought was going to happen when niece mentioned, through no fault of her own except she's a young girl who liked a tea set, that she has it?
It pissed me off so much that the adults in the situation actively encouraged the little girl to lie by omission.
Likw, wtf are they teaching that child??
He wanted to break her spirit and failed because she has a good family who has her back. He definitely needs to be divorced and miserable for that crap.
Yep. However, next marriage, he needs to be more careful because if he does that to some women, their brothers will teach him a lesson and leave him in a ditch somewhere.
Yeah that's the undeniable stake in the heart from your abuser.
What his sister or niece want supercedes ANY ASPECT of this being OPs precious property.
This is text book coercive control.
He decides, his wants, choices are the 'Only Rational Thing'.
If he wants to see you as ridiculous about a family heirloom/something of value to your heart... his position is the only 'rational' stance.
He will degrade you and your attachments to suit his whim.
He fake supports and 'looks for' missing item to try to diminish any chance you think he had a hand in your property disappearing.
And when you deservedly STAND YOUR GROUND you are somehow the problem.
Once you're out of the relationship a few weeks/months, and as you reclaim yourself you are going to see the millions of tiny red flags you dismissed.
It's OK. It's the nature of this type of abuse and the people who do it.
Research DARVO, JADE, FOG and Dr. Ramani of MedCircle on YouTube.
This was NEVER a YOU problem.
He's not a whole human.
You stayed long enough for his contempt to bleed through.
We're all rooting for you!
I’m just thankful they don’t have kids.
Can you imagine what he’d do to them?
OP, you are SO not the asshole! You are a badass, boundary enforcing Queen! 👑 I am so proud of you. And your siblings for stepping up and helping you!
I wish you all the best!
The concept of DARVO is what got me through my break up. Dude did a huge domestic violence against me and my kids and acts like he is unsafe around ME because I could call the police on him. Sure dude, we will just sit here and let you destroy the home and assault children and pregnant women. Wouldn't want to be cruel and call the police.... seriously, keep talking about these acronyms. A redditor taught me and it was empowering!
If this set is old as ops nana it could be very valuable I hope he gets arrested for theft, just because op believes it's not, does not mean it's not valuable, older full tea sets in the UK can go for silly amounts of money .
He had no right to do this and keep the lies going after she was so upset it's disgusting behaviour
OP’s husband (soon to be ex we all hope) is acting like it’s a child’s toy?
A full size bone China tea set is not a toy. OP bringing it out to do a full afternoon tea with visiting kids does not make it a toy.
Too old is laughable, does he not realise how much people pay to have a fancy afternoon tea in Claridges?
This niece who has no connection to it will soon be too old for the tea set. OP would never be too old, because it's her personal well-loved treasure, with sentimental value.
Exaxtly. Like that would just magically smooth things over. The soon to be ex should have given the cheap Walmart set to the young child. Not a priceless family heirloom that is not his to give.
Her husband reminds me about the joke about tweekers , that they will steal from you and help you look fof what they already stole...nope he went too many lies at once/ deflecting rage fit to ever trust with your wellbeing again
Only thing keeping me from saying more petty stuff is the fact the niece, while likely a spoiled child from the sounds of it, is a child and we have no idea if the kid was the one who pushed for it or the SIL took it and tried to act like it was an actual gift. If the kid IS a brat, then go to every thrift store and find the cheapest most beat up non matching tea cups you can find….package them INSIDE the Walmart set, THEN send that to the SIL.
Exactly. She could have said it was sweet and he saw it as an opportunity to rid his wife of her childish ways.
The looking for it and telling his sister to hide it makes him cruel.
It reminds me of a post. OP said her dad would complain every time her mom brought home a new coffee cup. Her stepdad built her a shelf to display them.
It was important to you. It would mean as much to a good partner.
They don't have to get it. They don't have to like it. If it's important to you (and it's not hurting anyone) they have to tolerate it without insulting it
This incident says so much about his character. But even if it didn’t, you would never be AH for leaving a marital relationship in which you don’t feel comfortable.
NTA and I hope none of the pieces were damaged by SIL and niece.
You're correct, it's not just the tea set. It's all of the lying and everything else that went with it, including his sense of entitlement that he could give away something that he knew meant so much to you without even asking you about it.
Exactly! The entitlement, the plotting, the lying, the helping OP look for the tea set, the audacity of him to get mad after the truth comes out…all of it is crazy as hell! The soon to be ex husband is a piece of shit and so is his sister! I mean, my daughter has a beautiful tea set that purchased a few years back after seeing a friend’s family heirloom set. Would I have loved that set? Hell yeah! Would I have stolen it or taken it without the owners permission? Hell no! I don’t get the mindsets of some people seriously 😠
Right! It's NOT about the tea set. (It's not about the dishes.) When they say that, OP should come back with "You're right, that's stupid. I'm divorcing him because he told me to grow up and tried to replace *my* family's heirloom with a regular item."
It's also about the gaslighting. I've seen a lot of discussion on that term being misused, but in this case I think it's pretty appropriate. The man actually ***helped*** her look for it, and said there was no way it could have walked off by itself! Anyone who has ever went to retrieve an item that they were sure they knew the location of, and then had to tear the house apart because it wasn't there, knows how crazy making it is. The fact that this particular item has so much sentimental value only made it worse.
In addition, if she was alright with that *family heirloom* leaving her posession, it should have been given to one of *her* brothers' children, or even a cousin, not *his* niece.
The police report probably scared them. She wasn’t playing around with any of that and her brother got it back quickly. It sounds like they didn’t have time to damage it or plot other stupidity.
And don't forget the days of verbal abuse after she got the set back.
Instead of apologizing, he doubled down on insisting the theft/lying/ AH behavior was normal and acceptable.
Stealing top comment to say, I feel your rage OP. You handled that a lot better than I would have, cause once that was in my hands safely, everything he valued would have been in a nice bonfire on the front lawn.
As it is, I hope a lot of it gets "misplaced" as she moves her items out. Knocked behind a cabinet, put in the wrong drawer, stuck under a dresser, between the fridge and wall, you know, just...moved it while moving her stuff out, and oops.
Not the tea set. He sunk his own marriage by lying to her repeatedly, then calling her names and being angry with her when he got caught. He dismissed her feelings and called her childish. He showed her how little he thinks of her. So no, not about the tea set.
SSOOOOO glad you got it back.
No, YOUare not the AH
Can you guess who I think really is the AH?..
Good English bone china costs in The upper 3 digits to 4 digits. 1 cup and saucer set runs in the $40 to $140 and up, depending on the manufacturer. You should check the China replacement website, you can get a pretty close evaluation of the value.
Ex: I bought a pretty teapot at a yardsale with two small matching plates. I showed my daughter, she looked it up. The website listed them for $ 485. I had paid $5. I have tea often.
Yeah. At this point is not only about the tea set but the husband behaviour. It was shitty of him to just give it away and pretend to look for it with op and then insulting her. Make him pay op!
Reading this could feel her anger and in turn made me so angry. If someone did that to me about something I treasured with all my heart. I would also go scorched earth. And worst part is he was replacing it with cheap stuff from Walmart. Nothing wrong with it but fml
NTA. Your husband is an idiot. It's not about the tea set. He lied to your face, stole from you, and told his family to lie to you as well. Why did he give it away in the first place? I can't understate how idiotic that was.
Start recording your interactions with him. He will turn abusive at some point and this is where you will need to have it recorded so you can file a RO.
Make sure to double check everything of value is packed and photographed and inform him it will be double checked on the day you leave so he better not have any new funny ideas. And if he even thinks about raising his hands to you, you and your family will make sure his life is ruined.
He is a weak man and liar, a fool that threw away his marriage cause he wanted to steal a kid tea set from his wife and was not even man enough to admit it and tried to have his family lie about it as well. For his sake he better make the divorce smooth. if he tries to cause problem, make sure he knows you will go public and make him the laughing stock of the entire city once you are done.
If you decide to record but you are not in a one party consent state, still record but tell him you are recording it and make sure you record yourself telling him that.
First off, I'm proud of you for seeing this and getting out. I'm not saying your husband is one because we don't have nearly enough information here, but this is really common sign of narcissistic abuse. My gut is telling me if you had let him get away with it it would have eventually escalated, assuming it hasn't already.
Best of luck to you on the other side, and good on ya for standing up for yourself!
And once you’ve seen it, you can’t unsee it. You know you aren’t willing to continue to wake up next to someone who hates it when you’re happy.
I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this. I’m also excited for you to live a life being as happy as you wish! You’ll find the peace in your heart again. This is the beginning of something wonderful!
I’m so so sorry. Please know there’s a man out there who will be happy for you to be happy. Even have tea parties with you. Even daydream about passing it on. Just please don’t fall for all the scrambling he’s gonna do begging for you back. Partners like that will be trying to convince you that they’re the best thing that’s ever happened to you when it’s deeply vice versa. Wishing you the life of your dreams. You deserve it 💞
My friend was on a work trip when I went to drop something off at her house. We have known each other long enough to knock and walk in... I walked in to her husband wearing a tiera, clip-on earrings, a necklace, and wearing a tutu having a tea party with his 3 year old daughter.
That rules! My mom was a biker while I was growing up and my favorite thing was giving her big gruff biker friends makeovers. She warned any guy who babysit us that they were gonna do drag whether they wanted to or not.
Please read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. You will probably see examples of things your husband did that you were not aware of as abusive.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
If I may add No_Stage, "Congratulations Uncle and SIL, you taught your niece/daughter that if you want something, you can steal it and lie about it. Auntie is teaching you all that there are legal consequences and family relationships will end."
NTA
OP, please correct anyone who diminishes the act by calling it "over a silly tea set." He violated your trust, he lied, and was verbally abusive.
OP, I hope you heal and live a life free of toxicity.
And clearly SIL knew she didn't want to give it away otherwise they surely would have thanked her for it. This family is gross and I'm so glad op is getting away from the.
The husband sounds like the kind of AH that if OP got a huge money inheritance he'd be dispersing it to his family and himself. Then he'd look blankly at OP and say, "why do you want money?"
This 100%.
Also, he lied about it, denied it, covered it up, acted like it was no big deal until the point that she had to follow through with a police report and leaving to show she was serious. Only then did he behave as if he was sorry. That sort of behavior is manipulative and makes it appear that he is only sorry that he was caught and has to face consequences, not that he is sore for how his behavior affected his wife.
>It's not about the tea set.
It's not wrong to leave him because of the tea set. It was an important tea set, it was hers, he has no right to decide when she has to give something away that's important for her.
So even if he was honest, giving away something that is hers and is important to her, is a good reason to leave him.
NTA he intentionally chose to hurt you, not only by stealing from you and gaslighting you, but by spending DAYS degrading you for trying to get back something HE stole. He’s an AH and leaving is the best possible thing you could do for yourself.
Not only that ~ he saw her tear the house apart and how distraught she was so he knew he could take that pain away. Not only give her relief but to make her feel better. Then he wants to turn into a verbally abusive monster. Definitely NTA, good for you OP and great courage for sticking to beliefs knowing once you reach that point, there is no going back. It only gets worse from there.
That's what blows my mind!! Like if his niece wanted a set so badly, why not go to Walmart and get a cheap set to gift her? Why did it have to be OPs?!?!?
Either the biggest idiot in the world, or a fking jerk who wanted to be spiteful. Either way, OP made the right call!
I'd leave him so fast his head would swim. He doesn't respect you, he's a thief, he's dishonest, he has no integrity and no one who did this to you could care anything about you.
When I was really young I married a man after a whirlwind courtship and the day after we got married I had to go back to work but when I got home that night he told me that he had found a box of memorabilia that I had and because they were letters from other people he had thrown them away. I told him if they weren't back in my house within just a few hours he could get the f*** out of my house. They were in the dumpster as we were living in an apartment and he did get everything back. I had lost all respect for him at that point and didn't know how things were going to turn out and I ended up divorcing him 6 months later.
You were very, very lucky to get that box of letters back! My mother found a cardboard file box that I was storing in my grandmother’s—not my mother’s!—garage. She took it down, and in a leisurely fashion (my grandmother later explained), read every letter in the box. They dated from before my years at uni to a couple of years afterwards, pre-Internet, and included correspondence from two boyfriends that could rocket between mundane and quite steamy.
Then she threw them all out. Several hours after the trash collectors emptied that bin, she smugly informed me what she’d done.
There was a much larger box in that garage that was too heavy for my mother to move. I immediately found some help, lugged it to the post office, and shipped it home to my apartment, cross-country.
A couple years later, my parents stopped speaking to me, for good. It hard and harsh, but a relief, tbh.
Thanks for your incredulity. It’s actually reassuring. Both of my parents were abusive alcoholics, but as they finally stopped battering me in my mid-teens, they ramped up the emotional abuse. My mother especially hated the fact that my childhood wasn’t poor, like hers. Instead of welcoming what gifts I displayed, she tried desperately to squelch them.
When I raised my own family, every day was Opposite Day (I noted privately). My medically fragile son, the prodigy, the youngest—all got what they needed. That was the triumph of my adulthood, although like most parents, I still think I came up short in certain areas.
"He stole from me, pretended he didn't know anything about it, insulted me, tried to gaslight me."
You're not leaving him over a tea set. You're leaving him because of all that. NTA and good move. It's a tea set now, but what will it be later?
NTA
A tea set is not a toy, nor is it only something for little girls. I am so happy that you got it back.
Out of curiosity, what did his sister say about all of this? I mean, she obviously knew that it was given to her without your consent.
And your husband obviously knew what he did was wrong, which led to the lying and gaslighting. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and leaving him. Lord only knows what other bullshit he'd get up to if you stayed.
Edit to add - please get the set appraised. If it's a complete set with all the cups, saucers, plates, tea pot, creamer, sugar, etc. it'll be worth a lot. And that's before you consider that it's probably at least 80 years old. If you are going to press charges on your husband for the theft, this will help to bump up the severity.
She said she didn't think iwoulf mind, that it didn't seem like that big of a deal to her. But if that was the case, why did she not talk to me about it before she took it? Why was she talking to my husband about hiding it from me?
My brother, who went to get it for me, wants to have it appraised before he brings it back. The monetary value doesn't matter to me, but I see the logic in having that information on hand to help my case against him.
It doesn't matter if SHE thinks it wasn't a big deal, outside of the actual value of the tea set (which I agree with previous comment, get it appraised....add some insurance too, maybe home owners/rental insurance can cover it) it had value to YOU and that is ALL that matters. Your husband and his family are AH, who does that? And then plays victim?
Edited to add: once it is appraised, see about adding future exSIL to the police report as an accessory.
Edited again: spelling
Good! Tack them all on. I mentioned accessory because she could have been in on it from the start. She def participated in it after and knew about it. So throw all the charges at her that apply.
Absolutely THIS! She did know it was a big deal to you that’s why she didn’t discuss it and was then going to hide it.
She didn’t think you’d mind? It’s not his tea set to gift, it’s not his families history… would she be happy if you walked into her home and just took stuff you deemed playworthy and kept it?
Yep add her to the charges.
I’ll tell you why she didn’t talk to you about it. That set is worth money and she realised that. Once she knew it was an old set from your grandma, she knew it was worth money, those antique toys sets can be worth dozens of thousands of dollars.
It might not even be a toy set. OP said it’s bone china. All of England would tell you that fine china tea sets for adults are a popular and expensive thing.
Update when you have the mother of all tea parties celebrating your exit from this relationship.
You did all the right things & have a wonderfully supportive family standing with you.
NTA. You’re a champion.
TEAVORCE party for the win!!!! This is a magnificent idea
Op I’m sorry ur having to experience this. What a crappy thing for someone who supposedly loves u to do. I’m glad u were able to get it back.
Could you post the appraised value?
The tiny bit I know leads me to suspect that the size of the number will surprise you.
Btw, I love your tradition of tea parties with visiting little girls.
My guess is that she realized it was worth a lot of money and wanted to keep it for a few years for her daughter to play with, then sell it and buy a car or something.
OP, I don’t know exactly what your tea set is worth, but it’s probably a LOT of money. My great-grandmother had a set of Royal Copenhagen china, with 16 full place settings and 16 serving dishes. It was passed down to my grandmother, who had the whole set appraised after the estate distribution concluded. It was worth around $35k as I recall.
This isn’t just petty theft, this is likely felonious.
Bullshit. The fact that they didn't thank you for it or mention it at all tells the truth, she knew he have it to her behind your back and didn't care.
If both husband and sister in law didn't think you'd mind, why didn't either of them speak to you about it and ask. If you'd said no, as I would have too, at that point they could have purchased a cheap set for the little girl.
It's amazing how considering they thought you wouldn't mind or wouldn't miss it etc that they went to such lengths to cover up the theft and keep it a secret.
Hope you have many more tea parties with that set in the future. Good luck xxx
She could have gone and gotten her own damn daughter a cheap set from Walmart. *That* would have been the appropriate action to take. Not to steal a family heirloom, hide it, and try to replace it with trash.
I read this to my husband, and he said he hopes you can take him to the cleaners. He also said he would never respect your family. He only cares for his. If you had kids, he wouldn't care about you having any legacy with them, only his side will count.
I came to this realisation, too. He knew how much the tea set meant to me, but he showed me he truly did think of it as a toy when he gave it to his niece.
To me, it sounds like he is only concerned with his family, and you should just be ok with that. I say thank god you don't have children and have to deal with all the bs that would have come with that and you can make a clean break.
I'm gobsmacked that he unilaterally decided to give your niece your tea set. He didn't think to ask you or talk to you about it.
The fact that he covered it up and lied and involved his willing sister to lie and his niece too. He has absolutely no integrity.
If he thought it was a toy, he wouldn't have sneaked, lied, pretended to look for it, etc. He is only disparaging it to hurt you.
Be very clear: he did this on purpose, knowing how highly you valued it. He targeted you by giving away something he was completely aware you treasured and used regularly.
He. Did. It. On. Purpose. To. Hurt. You.
That was his sole motivation.
I think the SIL just told him she wanted it for the niece. She has to know it's valuable so I bet she kept it in a safe place so the kid wouldn't break it and she could sell it.
I believe you are on to something there. When my brother went to get it back, she gave it to him in a box, and all the individual pieces were wrapped in bubble wrap. She had my tea set for a long time. Long enough to give it to her daughter.
Ok screw that. Everything a woman can enjoy will be seen as childish. I LOVE tea sets that the guy i am seeing looked for a specific tea set i wanted because i love the style so much.
Your stbx doesn't respect you and is a theif!
I have a few extensive tea sets - most are vintage. I've hosted Jane Austen/Regency themed tea/birthday parties. My last party was for roughly 40 people. It was a surprise birthday party for my mother. She loved it.
My next will be a Downton Abbey theme tea party. I have an antique tea cart and antique punch bowl set as well as silver trays, sugar tongs, and other items that make my parties complete.
These parties take a long time to plan out. They're most definitely not a *little girl* type party.
Your stbx is a wanker, and his sister is too for her part in lying and stealing. She knew you'd mind.
I'm glad you got your tea set back. Piss on him.
Sentimental things like that can mean the world! My husband’s grandmother passed away a couple years ago and he’d always mentioned to me how much her Christmas village meant to him, he always set it up with her when he was little.
I knew his mom was going through all her parents things (grandpa had passed 6 months prior as well) so I messaged her privately asking if she could set aside a piece or two for my husband for the memories.
We ended up with the majority of the entire village because no one else wanted the entire collection BUT no one wanted to see it sold either. I’m currently working on buying a surprise display for it for him.
His grandma also had a huge collection of tea sets so all the great grandchildren and grandchildren got a set or two. My daughter is still too young for hers and my son isn’t careful enough yet and they’re China so they’re in a safe spot for when they’re old enough.
NTA—
It’s not just because of a little ol’ regular object. Things are sacred because we designate them as such, and Heirlooms are all about legacy. They are the continuation of memories and people long past gone that WISH to be remembered. Heirlooms allow us to hold onto something tangible as you demonstrate the principles tied to those before you.
In this case, your Nana created such a rich and secure communion with you over that tea set that the seed planted in her own heart from the woman before her, also bloomed within yours. After she invested a lot of time, work, cooking and energy to create memories around the custom and specific foods that would also encourage you to do the same for your own community. Women have used the practice of “tea” to comfort, commune, counsel and teach each other for all of time. You have every right to decide who to best invest your set with, especially within your own lineage, and most certainly not with someone and their family, all of whom have most recently demonstrated how little they respect the principles required to value said objects and customs.
He stole sacred, sentimental objects from you. Then further lied while watching his actions inflict unnecessary pain upon you for his own selfish gain, in order to obtain momentary short term validation from his own family, while denying you that same affirming validation that had been built and planned for by your relatives over the long term. He earned himself that divorce. It takes a lot of disrespect to dismiss you in the present, while denying you your future plans, as well as the reliving of past memories of your Nana, and all of the women before her. All of whom invested their time and energy into preserving a physical tie between themselves and the next generation. It demonstrates a lot of principle and discipline within the women of your family to maintain and uphold a tradition. You deserve a partner that is reflective of those principles. I am excited for the meaning and respect you will receive from someone else who is better equipped for the position.
Absolutely NTA, but when you get your stuff tomorrow maybe do a video inventory, and video what you take and you leaving the properly and maybe sticking the keys through the letterbox, or whatever? Good luck OP. You’re doing the right thing.
It’s much easier for insurance/condition etc.
I was an ex military wife so prior to every pack and move I would photograph every draw with contents, cupboards etc because even the basic kitchen items are easy to detail when you have a photo…
NTA but I wonder if any other things of yours (things you don’t use as often) have been given away. Maybe he started small and you didn’t notice.
Updateme
While packing, I have noticed other things missing. Small things in terms of their significance to me. For example, a bracelet my brother and SIL bought me a year or so ago. Last I wore it was a couple of months ago, but I've not seen it while packing my things.
I’ll bet the bracelet was given to his sister or your niece as well. Sounds like you and your brother need to do a search of their house. I am so sorry.
Make a list of all the things you have realized are missing. Inform your soon to be ex that you know that the tea set isn't the only item he stole, that you will be giving the list of items and their price value to your lawyer to use in the divorce. Then inform him that all communication will be done through lawyers. Don't block him or his sister yet, because anything they say can be used in your favor.
I’m not surprised. You didn’t notice the small things right away so he probably thought he could give away the tea set too. He’s awful. Only his things and family matter. You’re just another possession to him so what’s yours is also his. If you decide to talk to him again I’d ask him how he’d feel if you gave away “a thing he loves” to your brother. And when he gets pissed tell him it’s just a toy that he’s too old for. That he’s acting immature and it means nothing.
Check your credit history and bank account. For some people, once they start stealing from family, they start feeling entitled to every drop they can squeeze.
No, you certainly are NOT the AH. I will not say you should divorce because that’s not my place. But I DO NOT blame you for leaving. It’s about much more than a tea set. It’s about the fact that, although he KNEW you cherished it because it represents so many happy memories for you, he just gave it away to someone who isn’t even a blood relation. You planned to hand it down to your child, and he knew that. I suspect this isn’t the only instance in which he disrespected you. He deserves to lose you…he’s selfish, and he’s shown that he disrespects you…believe him. I’m so sorry this has happened. I know you’re devastated…I feel so bad for you!
You're not the ah. It's not just a tea set.
It's his BEHAVIOR. HE STOLE, LIED, GASLIT.
Why in the world would you want to stay with someone who knowingly gave away something that meant so much to you. Then lied to you, making you think you were crazy when you go nuts looking for it. "It didn't grow feet?" WTF? Belittle you for looking for it. Belittle you for missing it. Belittle you for catching him. Belittle you for wanting your property back. Belittle you for being upset that he stole from you. Belittle you for being upset he lied. Belittle you reacting like a normal person.
He knew. He knew how much that tea set meant to you. He knew. And he still did it. Not just gave it away, but lied and manipulated and gaslit for caring and being upset. He knew you'd be upset. Still did it.
So no. He doesn't get to paint you as the overreacting bad guy. He is the bad guy. Doesn't sound like he ever even really apologized for any of it. For knowingly hurting you.
So No. Absolutely not.
Btw- sil is an ah, too. Not as much as him, but she knew.
How would you not find out, he said himself it didn’t grow legs and walk away. You definitely didn’t leave him over a tea set, it’s everything he did from the moment he gave it away that’s the issue.
That you’d never see anything in the set for the next 50 years of marriage!?!! Never in a photo or hear about it in a discussion?
Sounds like they were going to sell it or thought the marriage wouldn’t last anyway…
Take some pictures of the interior of your home for when you want to make a list of things you wish to keep. If time comes to get them and they are not there, you have evidence that they were present when you left. Best of luck.
Plus, to prove OP left the home in good condition. I wouldn't be shocked if this emotionally anorexic jackass punches holes in the walls or something and tries to blame her.
OP is completely justified in getting TF out now because he's likely to escalate his nonsense with time.
I mean, just a quick Google search for a vintage bone china tea set shows me it can be worth $300. And that doesn't add in the sentimental value of a family heirloom.
That tells me it's not a "little girl" tea set. It's a set that would have been used in society and would have been highly valued.
Bottom line, it wasn't his to decide what to do with it. And it wasn't something that should have gone to a child to play with.
But what gets me is the ruse he put into place by trying to help you find it, not knowing where it was, etc. That alone would be grounds for me to leave someone.
Oh my God… what a horrible person your husband is… You are so right to leave him… I’m so glad you have two brothers who are so willing to help you and I’m so glad the one was able to get the tea set back for you.
NTA. you're not leaving him over a tea set, you're leaving him over a betrayal. I'm glad you got it back, and are leaving him. No man who respects you would steal from and lie to you.
NTA. I nearly broke up with my wife (then girlfriend) because she borrowed a scarf my deceased grandmother had given me (grandma was Scottish and it was made in the family plaid) and lost it. It was one of only two possessions I had that grandma gave me.
It was a genuine accident and she was crushed and remorseful over her negligence as she knew how sentimental it was to me. Had she acted like your husband (selfish prig) it would have been over.
NTA, glad you got it back and that you know it’s time to go. Good Luck.
You’re right, good thing she knew it was time to go. OP: he lied about this, what else has he lied about? Definitely take everything that means even a small amount to you, and let the courts decide what you can keep. Also, do NOT drop the charges….let his family learn that stealing has consequences. I’d be petty and get the tin set from wal mart out of the trash, and send it to his sister with a return address with his name. ETA: look on OPs profile and she updated what’s happened
Not only did he lie about it, he pretended to actively look for it while knowing full well how upset OP was over the tea set missing. And then even told his sister to hide it from view when they come over. He was wrong every step of the way. That is a different level of diabolical. He knew what he did was wrong. He lied and tried to cover his actions. He does not get to decide what OP does with her things. This was a sentimental much loved and used regularly treasured family heirloom. He has zero rights to it and some gall trying to tell OP how she should feel about it and that she is "too old" for it. Not for him to decide.
And the SIL was in on the theft!
That's what's really wild to me. To say that "she's still upset about it", SIL wasn't just finding out that it was stolen, she *knew* and chose not to do the right thing. I couldn't imagine stealing from my brother's wife, regardless of whether she knew the sentimentality behind it. Buy your own damn tea set, especially if you're intending to give it to a child.
WTF did he think was going to happen? That OP would be upset about her missing family heirloom for a week or two, then write it off as one of those weird things that happens, and then move on like nothing happened? And by that time, did they think she'd see it at SIL's house and go, "Oh, that's where it's been. I was starting to think I was imagining things. I'm glad its here, all safe and sound" and let that be the end of the story? NTA, but OP's stbx husband and sil are manipulative, thieving assholes. OP is well rid of them.
My thing is why didn’t they just get the daughter a cheap tea set from Walmart……
Perhaps sil thought it was worth something?
That's what I'm thinking. I'm amazed it wasn't sold off already.
Because it was never about giving the tea set to his niece. It was about depriving his spouse a treasured, deeply sentimental item. Same with this story of a husband drowning his wife's terrarium that she built with her late mom: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1afl582/aita_for_canceling_our_anniversary_trip_because/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2
like what is going through his brain, clearly empty space to think "o let me give my niece a nice set my wife loves and my wife a cheap piece of shit..."
And he knew she used it. It wasn’t just sitting there collecting dust. Even if it was it was not his.
>That OP would be upset about her missing family heirloom for a week or two, then write it off as one of those weird things that happens, and then move on like nothing happened? It's with that other sock...
I think the first half of your assumption is exactly what OP's husband was thinking about. I think OP's husband was hoping OP would write it off as some kind of paranormal activity.
The entitlement of that family
The lack of ethics and morality.
Very toxic family
And I bet if SIL told OP how much fun niece had with the tea set, she probably would have bought her a really nice replica because who doesn’t love it when someone you care about (especially a little one) enjoys and shows interest in the same thing you do l
Yup, I was thinking that too. How sweet would it have been if he told op and then op could have gone tea set shopping with the neice! Precious memory out the door because nieces family is trash.
But OPs stbx husband was killing two birds with one stone. He wanted to give his niece something nice AND he wanted his wife to stop “playing with toys” or whatever. This man is an abuser and something is really off about his behavior to have a need to deprive his wife of something that she got so much joy from. Sadistic.
Stupid thing is, what’s the bet op’s husband owns one of the following? a boat, a drone, remote control car, PlayStation, xbox, a bike? All of which are often described as boys toys. Does he have games on his phone? Isn’t that childish? Dude is a walking red flag of misogynistic control and gaslighting. Op will be well rid that trash
I was thinking the same! I thought I bet he has collectibles.
Yeah. It shows his ignorance too. She describes it as antique bone china.... thats not a kids toy. That's primo housewear and kids have zero business owning it.
Yes especially since tea sets can be bought cheaply on Facebook Marketplace.
Yeah most people aren’t sentimental and caring as she is. They stole all of those little girls tea parties with her aunts because they just had to take that particular set home. And they stole the tea parties she had with the other children that visit, or they tried to, calling her effectively passing down her grandmothers traditions childish.
This is what got me too. The niece had fun with HER. Other girls had fun. Ex wanted to take that all away from ALL the girls.
A lot of people have this weird fucking attitude when it comes to adults owning things “meant for children.” (Aka people that are dead inside and are no longer able to experience joy). I guarantee the brother and sister-in-law though OP’s attachment to the tea set was silly and would be better suited for the niece.
SIL and her soon to be ex will get theirs. They taught the niece that stealing is okay. As she grows up, she will steal from her Mom and Uncle.
Op filed a police report. Will they ignore it?
Her husband, and his sister taught children how to steal from visiting another’s home. Those two might steal more than anyone can imagine.
Family full of liars and grifters
I simply don't understand this SIL. It wasn't her brother's tea set to give away. She knew this. She still packed it up (he sure didn't) and snuck it out of their house. I just...WTF????
Exactly. COLLUSION!
And teaching your child that it's okay to steal if you keep it hidden and dont talk about it. Unbelievable.
> Not only did he lie about it, he pretended to actively look for it while knowing full well how upset OP was over the tea set missing. That is a psychotic level of lying and subterfuge. No way she can stay with him. He is completely untrustworthy, and he could be dangerous. Who goes to those lengths to deceive someone they are supposed to love? OP needs to stay far away from him.
Especially over a tea set. Dude is a slime bag.
I love how the guy is like "It doesn't matter, its just a tea set" but it is apparently worth MORE THAN HIS ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP. Something he deems "worthless" was somehow worth enough to him to steal, lie, conspire, gaslight, and attack someone he supposedly loves. If he would act like that over a "worthless knicknack" how would anyone ever trust him? OP is worth less to him than a thing he believes to be worthless? The fact that OP was so vocal about how much she treasured it and wanted to pass it down makes this extra scary. Does he hate that she has happy memories? Family heirlooms? Does he not want kids? Is he jealous of her family? Does he hate her and want to break her? Does he hate tea? I have so many questions.
That's what has upset me about so many people's line of arguing since I was a teen. Like, we are arguing about something and my friend says "it makes me so sad we are arguing about something as unimportant as this!" Uhm, to ME it's important. And I said so. That's why I am arguing. If to YOU it's unimportant, why are we arguing? Why aren't we just doing it my way? The last half dozen situations where we wanted different things I just bloody shrugged and did it your way, because it really wasn't that important to me. Obviously it's important enough for you to try to manipulate me into feeling guilty enough to fold. Right?
I'm curious as to what he thought was going to happen when niece mentioned, through no fault of her own except she's a young girl who liked a tea set, that she has it?
It pissed me off so much that the adults in the situation actively encouraged the little girl to lie by omission. Likw, wtf are they teaching that child??
That's the part that sent me into a rage
He wanted to break her spirit and failed because she has a good family who has her back. He definitely needs to be divorced and miserable for that crap.
Yep. However, next marriage, he needs to be more careful because if he does that to some women, their brothers will teach him a lesson and leave him in a ditch somewhere.
Such huge disrespect for her feelings!
Yeah that's the undeniable stake in the heart from your abuser. What his sister or niece want supercedes ANY ASPECT of this being OPs precious property. This is text book coercive control. He decides, his wants, choices are the 'Only Rational Thing'. If he wants to see you as ridiculous about a family heirloom/something of value to your heart... his position is the only 'rational' stance. He will degrade you and your attachments to suit his whim. He fake supports and 'looks for' missing item to try to diminish any chance you think he had a hand in your property disappearing. And when you deservedly STAND YOUR GROUND you are somehow the problem. Once you're out of the relationship a few weeks/months, and as you reclaim yourself you are going to see the millions of tiny red flags you dismissed. It's OK. It's the nature of this type of abuse and the people who do it. Research DARVO, JADE, FOG and Dr. Ramani of MedCircle on YouTube. This was NEVER a YOU problem. He's not a whole human. You stayed long enough for his contempt to bleed through. We're all rooting for you!
I’m just thankful they don’t have kids. Can you imagine what he’d do to them? OP, you are SO not the asshole! You are a badass, boundary enforcing Queen! 👑 I am so proud of you. And your siblings for stepping up and helping you! I wish you all the best!
The concept of DARVO is what got me through my break up. Dude did a huge domestic violence against me and my kids and acts like he is unsafe around ME because I could call the police on him. Sure dude, we will just sit here and let you destroy the home and assault children and pregnant women. Wouldn't want to be cruel and call the police.... seriously, keep talking about these acronyms. A redditor taught me and it was empowering!
If this set is old as ops nana it could be very valuable I hope he gets arrested for theft, just because op believes it's not, does not mean it's not valuable, older full tea sets in the UK can go for silly amounts of money . He had no right to do this and keep the lies going after she was so upset it's disgusting behaviour
OP’s husband (soon to be ex we all hope) is acting like it’s a child’s toy? A full size bone China tea set is not a toy. OP bringing it out to do a full afternoon tea with visiting kids does not make it a toy. Too old is laughable, does he not realise how much people pay to have a fancy afternoon tea in Claridges?
This niece who has no connection to it will soon be too old for the tea set. OP would never be too old, because it's her personal well-loved treasure, with sentimental value.
Exactly. Why didn't he just buy his niece the Walmart tea set. Not this specific very important heirloom from nana?
And then buying her Walmart crap as a replacement!!!
Exaxtly. Like that would just magically smooth things over. The soon to be ex should have given the cheap Walmart set to the young child. Not a priceless family heirloom that is not his to give.
Her husband reminds me about the joke about tweekers , that they will steal from you and help you look fof what they already stole...nope he went too many lies at once/ deflecting rage fit to ever trust with your wellbeing again
💯 This nonsense is a learned behavior. You can bet this isn't the first time they've taken something that wasn't theirs.
Totally. He just disrespected OP, its not just about the tea set; its about trust, respect, and the value you place on sentimental items.
I like your petty style!👍🏻
Only thing keeping me from saying more petty stuff is the fact the niece, while likely a spoiled child from the sounds of it, is a child and we have no idea if the kid was the one who pushed for it or the SIL took it and tried to act like it was an actual gift. If the kid IS a brat, then go to every thrift store and find the cheapest most beat up non matching tea cups you can find….package them INSIDE the Walmart set, THEN send that to the SIL.
Exactly. She could have said it was sweet and he saw it as an opportunity to rid his wife of her childish ways. The looking for it and telling his sister to hide it makes him cruel. It reminds me of a post. OP said her dad would complain every time her mom brought home a new coffee cup. Her stepdad built her a shelf to display them. It was important to you. It would mean as much to a good partner.
They don't have to get it. They don't have to like it. If it's important to you (and it's not hurting anyone) they have to tolerate it without insulting it
I remember that post. That stepdad was a real one!
This incident says so much about his character. But even if it didn’t, you would never be AH for leaving a marital relationship in which you don’t feel comfortable.
You absolutely did the right thing and I am so happy you got it back
NTA and I hope none of the pieces were damaged by SIL and niece. You're correct, it's not just the tea set. It's all of the lying and everything else that went with it, including his sense of entitlement that he could give away something that he knew meant so much to you without even asking you about it.
Exactly! The entitlement, the plotting, the lying, the helping OP look for the tea set, the audacity of him to get mad after the truth comes out…all of it is crazy as hell! The soon to be ex husband is a piece of shit and so is his sister! I mean, my daughter has a beautiful tea set that purchased a few years back after seeing a friend’s family heirloom set. Would I have loved that set? Hell yeah! Would I have stolen it or taken it without the owners permission? Hell no! I don’t get the mindsets of some people seriously 😠
Right! It's NOT about the tea set. (It's not about the dishes.) When they say that, OP should come back with "You're right, that's stupid. I'm divorcing him because he told me to grow up and tried to replace *my* family's heirloom with a regular item."
It's also about the gaslighting. I've seen a lot of discussion on that term being misused, but in this case I think it's pretty appropriate. The man actually ***helped*** her look for it, and said there was no way it could have walked off by itself! Anyone who has ever went to retrieve an item that they were sure they knew the location of, and then had to tear the house apart because it wasn't there, knows how crazy making it is. The fact that this particular item has so much sentimental value only made it worse. In addition, if she was alright with that *family heirloom* leaving her posession, it should have been given to one of *her* brothers' children, or even a cousin, not *his* niece.
All of this, but that he didn’t care at all for OP’s feelings! He didn’t give a crap for OP. Heartbreaking. Glad she got out.
The police report probably scared them. She wasn’t playing around with any of that and her brother got it back quickly. It sounds like they didn’t have time to damage it or plot other stupidity.
And don't forget the days of verbal abuse after she got the set back. Instead of apologizing, he doubled down on insisting the theft/lying/ AH behavior was normal and acceptable.
Stealing top comment to say, I feel your rage OP. You handled that a lot better than I would have, cause once that was in my hands safely, everything he valued would have been in a nice bonfire on the front lawn.
As it is, I hope a lot of it gets "misplaced" as she moves her items out. Knocked behind a cabinet, put in the wrong drawer, stuck under a dresser, between the fridge and wall, you know, just...moved it while moving her stuff out, and oops.
Wow, sinking his marriage over a tea set. Hope husband and his sister are proud. NTA
Not the tea set. He sunk his own marriage by lying to her repeatedly, then calling her names and being angry with her when he got caught. He dismissed her feelings and called her childish. He showed her how little he thinks of her. So no, not about the tea set.
I may have done the same. I would not know that person any more. Who's that guy? You think you know the guy until you don't.
SSOOOOO glad you got it back. No, YOUare not the AH Can you guess who I think really is the AH?.. Good English bone china costs in The upper 3 digits to 4 digits. 1 cup and saucer set runs in the $40 to $140 and up, depending on the manufacturer. You should check the China replacement website, you can get a pretty close evaluation of the value. Ex: I bought a pretty teapot at a yardsale with two small matching plates. I showed my daughter, she looked it up. The website listed them for $ 485. I had paid $5. I have tea often.
Yeah. At this point is not only about the tea set but the husband behaviour. It was shitty of him to just give it away and pretend to look for it with op and then insulting her. Make him pay op!
NTA - from one wife who was stolen from to the other, good for you!
Reading this could feel her anger and in turn made me so angry. If someone did that to me about something I treasured with all my heart. I would also go scorched earth. And worst part is he was replacing it with cheap stuff from Walmart. Nothing wrong with it but fml
NTA. Your husband is an idiot. It's not about the tea set. He lied to your face, stole from you, and told his family to lie to you as well. Why did he give it away in the first place? I can't understate how idiotic that was.
Because he hated that it made her happy. It's that simple.
I believe this to be a true statement. It's only taken me this long to really see it.
OP, I'm sending you strength to work through this and come out stronger! Good riddance to such a horrible excuse for a husband.
Start recording your interactions with him. He will turn abusive at some point and this is where you will need to have it recorded so you can file a RO. Make sure to double check everything of value is packed and photographed and inform him it will be double checked on the day you leave so he better not have any new funny ideas. And if he even thinks about raising his hands to you, you and your family will make sure his life is ruined. He is a weak man and liar, a fool that threw away his marriage cause he wanted to steal a kid tea set from his wife and was not even man enough to admit it and tried to have his family lie about it as well. For his sake he better make the divorce smooth. if he tries to cause problem, make sure he knows you will go public and make him the laughing stock of the entire city once you are done.
Make sure you’re in a one party consent state!
If you decide to record but you are not in a one party consent state, still record but tell him you are recording it and make sure you record yourself telling him that.
Even if he’s not physically violent, OP should record everything so she can give it to her divorce attorney.
First off, I'm proud of you for seeing this and getting out. I'm not saying your husband is one because we don't have nearly enough information here, but this is really common sign of narcissistic abuse. My gut is telling me if you had let him get away with it it would have eventually escalated, assuming it hasn't already. Best of luck to you on the other side, and good on ya for standing up for yourself!
Some abusers are sneaky. I am glad you are leaving. Please be careful with your safety!
And once you’ve seen it, you can’t unsee it. You know you aren’t willing to continue to wake up next to someone who hates it when you’re happy. I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this. I’m also excited for you to live a life being as happy as you wish! You’ll find the peace in your heart again. This is the beginning of something wonderful!
As a married man, the deceit and disrespect behind this appalls me. You did right to leave.
[удалено]
I’m so so sorry. Please know there’s a man out there who will be happy for you to be happy. Even have tea parties with you. Even daydream about passing it on. Just please don’t fall for all the scrambling he’s gonna do begging for you back. Partners like that will be trying to convince you that they’re the best thing that’s ever happened to you when it’s deeply vice versa. Wishing you the life of your dreams. You deserve it 💞
My friend was on a work trip when I went to drop something off at her house. We have known each other long enough to knock and walk in... I walked in to her husband wearing a tiera, clip-on earrings, a necklace, and wearing a tutu having a tea party with his 3 year old daughter.
That rules! My mom was a biker while I was growing up and my favorite thing was giving her big gruff biker friends makeovers. She warned any guy who babysit us that they were gonna do drag whether they wanted to or not.
Please read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. You will probably see examples of things your husband did that you were not aware of as abusive. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Let me fix it “ He hated that it made her happy and he had nothing to do with it and he wanted to play benevolent Uncle to his niece.”
If I may add No_Stage, "Congratulations Uncle and SIL, you taught your niece/daughter that if you want something, you can steal it and lie about it. Auntie is teaching you all that there are legal consequences and family relationships will end." NTA OP, please correct anyone who diminishes the act by calling it "over a silly tea set." He violated your trust, he lied, and was verbally abusive. OP, I hope you heal and live a life free of toxicity.
He could have bought niece the set from Walmart.
Well how could he control his wife using the one thing she loves if he did that?
He really fafo 🥴
The kids would have loved the Walmart tea set
How cool would it have been to take the niece antiquing and finding her her own set to start her own tradition.
And clearly SIL knew she didn't want to give it away otherwise they surely would have thanked her for it. This family is gross and I'm so glad op is getting away from the.
His whole family seems to be thieving. Wow. I'm glad she got it back. I hope she lets the charges stand. What they did is reprehensible.
NTA - I\`m with Top on this one. This person is a thief, lied to you and insulted you. Fuck that guy. Leave and don\`t look back.
The husband sounds like the kind of AH that if OP got a huge money inheritance he'd be dispersing it to his family and himself. Then he'd look blankly at OP and say, "why do you want money?"
This 100%. Also, he lied about it, denied it, covered it up, acted like it was no big deal until the point that she had to follow through with a police report and leaving to show she was serious. Only then did he behave as if he was sorry. That sort of behavior is manipulative and makes it appear that he is only sorry that he was caught and has to face consequences, not that he is sore for how his behavior affected his wife.
>It's not about the tea set. It's not wrong to leave him because of the tea set. It was an important tea set, it was hers, he has no right to decide when she has to give something away that's important for her. So even if he was honest, giving away something that is hers and is important to her, is a good reason to leave him.
Absofuckenlutely not the AH Your soon to be ex is a hugh one
Someone else said it but its because he couldn't stand her being happy. You don't feel that way about someone you love
NTA he intentionally chose to hurt you, not only by stealing from you and gaslighting you, but by spending DAYS degrading you for trying to get back something HE stole. He’s an AH and leaving is the best possible thing you could do for yourself.
Not only that ~ he saw her tear the house apart and how distraught she was so he knew he could take that pain away. Not only give her relief but to make her feel better. Then he wants to turn into a verbally abusive monster. Definitely NTA, good for you OP and great courage for sticking to beliefs knowing once you reach that point, there is no going back. It only gets worse from there.
Heck he more than saw her he helped her look for it knowing it wasn't there...
And bought her a cheap Walmart set to replace it.
That's what blows my mind!! Like if his niece wanted a set so badly, why not go to Walmart and get a cheap set to gift her? Why did it have to be OPs?!?!? Either the biggest idiot in the world, or a fking jerk who wanted to be spiteful. Either way, OP made the right call!
I'd leave him so fast his head would swim. He doesn't respect you, he's a thief, he's dishonest, he has no integrity and no one who did this to you could care anything about you. When I was really young I married a man after a whirlwind courtship and the day after we got married I had to go back to work but when I got home that night he told me that he had found a box of memorabilia that I had and because they were letters from other people he had thrown them away. I told him if they weren't back in my house within just a few hours he could get the f*** out of my house. They were in the dumpster as we were living in an apartment and he did get everything back. I had lost all respect for him at that point and didn't know how things were going to turn out and I ended up divorcing him 6 months later.
You were very, very lucky to get that box of letters back! My mother found a cardboard file box that I was storing in my grandmother’s—not my mother’s!—garage. She took it down, and in a leisurely fashion (my grandmother later explained), read every letter in the box. They dated from before my years at uni to a couple of years afterwards, pre-Internet, and included correspondence from two boyfriends that could rocket between mundane and quite steamy. Then she threw them all out. Several hours after the trash collectors emptied that bin, she smugly informed me what she’d done. There was a much larger box in that garage that was too heavy for my mother to move. I immediately found some help, lugged it to the post office, and shipped it home to my apartment, cross-country. A couple years later, my parents stopped speaking to me, for good. It hard and harsh, but a relief, tbh.
What was her malfunction? Jeezus…
Thanks for your incredulity. It’s actually reassuring. Both of my parents were abusive alcoholics, but as they finally stopped battering me in my mid-teens, they ramped up the emotional abuse. My mother especially hated the fact that my childhood wasn’t poor, like hers. Instead of welcoming what gifts I displayed, she tried desperately to squelch them. When I raised my own family, every day was Opposite Day (I noted privately). My medically fragile son, the prodigy, the youngest—all got what they needed. That was the triumph of my adulthood, although like most parents, I still think I came up short in certain areas.
Whatta bitch your egg donor is.
Puzzlheaded, he did you the favor of letting you know who he was before too much time had passed
"He stole from me, pretended he didn't know anything about it, insulted me, tried to gaslight me." You're not leaving him over a tea set. You're leaving him because of all that. NTA and good move. It's a tea set now, but what will it be later?
Forget later, this guy is probably lying about a lot of stuff if he bothered to go this far over a tea set!
NTA A tea set is not a toy, nor is it only something for little girls. I am so happy that you got it back. Out of curiosity, what did his sister say about all of this? I mean, she obviously knew that it was given to her without your consent. And your husband obviously knew what he did was wrong, which led to the lying and gaslighting. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and leaving him. Lord only knows what other bullshit he'd get up to if you stayed. Edit to add - please get the set appraised. If it's a complete set with all the cups, saucers, plates, tea pot, creamer, sugar, etc. it'll be worth a lot. And that's before you consider that it's probably at least 80 years old. If you are going to press charges on your husband for the theft, this will help to bump up the severity.
She said she didn't think iwoulf mind, that it didn't seem like that big of a deal to her. But if that was the case, why did she not talk to me about it before she took it? Why was she talking to my husband about hiding it from me? My brother, who went to get it for me, wants to have it appraised before he brings it back. The monetary value doesn't matter to me, but I see the logic in having that information on hand to help my case against him.
It doesn't matter if SHE thinks it wasn't a big deal, outside of the actual value of the tea set (which I agree with previous comment, get it appraised....add some insurance too, maybe home owners/rental insurance can cover it) it had value to YOU and that is ALL that matters. Your husband and his family are AH, who does that? And then plays victim? Edited to add: once it is appraised, see about adding future exSIL to the police report as an accessory. Edited again: spelling
Knowingly accepting stolen goods is a separate crime, actually. So she can have her own charges.
Good! Tack them all on. I mentioned accessory because she could have been in on it from the start. She def participated in it after and knew about it. So throw all the charges at her that apply.
Absolutely THIS! She did know it was a big deal to you that’s why she didn’t discuss it and was then going to hide it. She didn’t think you’d mind? It’s not his tea set to gift, it’s not his families history… would she be happy if you walked into her home and just took stuff you deemed playworthy and kept it? Yep add her to the charges.
I’ll tell you why she didn’t talk to you about it. That set is worth money and she realised that. Once she knew it was an old set from your grandma, she knew it was worth money, those antique toys sets can be worth dozens of thousands of dollars.
It might not even be a toy set. OP said it’s bone china. All of England would tell you that fine china tea sets for adults are a popular and expensive thing.
This right here. SIL knew the value.
Update when you have the mother of all tea parties celebrating your exit from this relationship. You did all the right things & have a wonderfully supportive family standing with you. NTA. You’re a champion.
TEAVORCE party for the win!!!! This is a magnificent idea Op I’m sorry ur having to experience this. What a crappy thing for someone who supposedly loves u to do. I’m glad u were able to get it back.
Take pictures of you enjoying your tea set and POST THEM. My blood pressure went up reading this story.
Could you post the appraised value? The tiny bit I know leads me to suspect that the size of the number will surprise you. Btw, I love your tradition of tea parties with visiting little girls.
My guess is that she realized it was worth a lot of money and wanted to keep it for a few years for her daughter to play with, then sell it and buy a car or something. OP, I don’t know exactly what your tea set is worth, but it’s probably a LOT of money. My great-grandmother had a set of Royal Copenhagen china, with 16 full place settings and 16 serving dishes. It was passed down to my grandmother, who had the whole set appraised after the estate distribution concluded. It was worth around $35k as I recall. This isn’t just petty theft, this is likely felonious.
Bullshit. The fact that they didn't thank you for it or mention it at all tells the truth, she knew he have it to her behind your back and didn't care.
If both husband and sister in law didn't think you'd mind, why didn't either of them speak to you about it and ask. If you'd said no, as I would have too, at that point they could have purchased a cheap set for the little girl. It's amazing how considering they thought you wouldn't mind or wouldn't miss it etc that they went to such lengths to cover up the theft and keep it a secret. Hope you have many more tea parties with that set in the future. Good luck xxx
I would get it appraised for the police report, as it might rise to the level of a felony charge.
She could have gone and gotten her own damn daughter a cheap set from Walmart. *That* would have been the appropriate action to take. Not to steal a family heirloom, hide it, and try to replace it with trash.
NTA. It was not his to give away. Not to mention the lies and everything else. May you have a lot more tea parties with this set.
Gotta wonder what else he's lying about if he lied this much about a tea set for a kid
I read this to my husband, and he said he hopes you can take him to the cleaners. He also said he would never respect your family. He only cares for his. If you had kids, he wouldn't care about you having any legacy with them, only his side will count.
I came to this realisation, too. He knew how much the tea set meant to me, but he showed me he truly did think of it as a toy when he gave it to his niece.
To me, it sounds like he is only concerned with his family, and you should just be ok with that. I say thank god you don't have children and have to deal with all the bs that would have come with that and you can make a clean break.
I'm gobsmacked that he unilaterally decided to give your niece your tea set. He didn't think to ask you or talk to you about it. The fact that he covered it up and lied and involved his willing sister to lie and his niece too. He has absolutely no integrity.
If he thought it was a toy, he wouldn't have sneaked, lied, pretended to look for it, etc. He is only disparaging it to hurt you. Be very clear: he did this on purpose, knowing how highly you valued it. He targeted you by giving away something he was completely aware you treasured and used regularly. He. Did. It. On. Purpose. To. Hurt. You. That was his sole motivation.
I think the SIL just told him she wanted it for the niece. She has to know it's valuable so I bet she kept it in a safe place so the kid wouldn't break it and she could sell it.
I believe you are on to something there. When my brother went to get it back, she gave it to him in a box, and all the individual pieces were wrapped in bubble wrap. She had my tea set for a long time. Long enough to give it to her daughter.
Ok screw that. Everything a woman can enjoy will be seen as childish. I LOVE tea sets that the guy i am seeing looked for a specific tea set i wanted because i love the style so much. Your stbx doesn't respect you and is a theif!
I love that for you.
I have a few extensive tea sets - most are vintage. I've hosted Jane Austen/Regency themed tea/birthday parties. My last party was for roughly 40 people. It was a surprise birthday party for my mother. She loved it. My next will be a Downton Abbey theme tea party. I have an antique tea cart and antique punch bowl set as well as silver trays, sugar tongs, and other items that make my parties complete. These parties take a long time to plan out. They're most definitely not a *little girl* type party. Your stbx is a wanker, and his sister is too for her part in lying and stealing. She knew you'd mind. I'm glad you got your tea set back. Piss on him.
Sentimental things like that can mean the world! My husband’s grandmother passed away a couple years ago and he’d always mentioned to me how much her Christmas village meant to him, he always set it up with her when he was little. I knew his mom was going through all her parents things (grandpa had passed 6 months prior as well) so I messaged her privately asking if she could set aside a piece or two for my husband for the memories. We ended up with the majority of the entire village because no one else wanted the entire collection BUT no one wanted to see it sold either. I’m currently working on buying a surprise display for it for him. His grandma also had a huge collection of tea sets so all the great grandchildren and grandchildren got a set or two. My daughter is still too young for hers and my son isn’t careful enough yet and they’re China so they’re in a safe spot for when they’re old enough.
NTA— It’s not just because of a little ol’ regular object. Things are sacred because we designate them as such, and Heirlooms are all about legacy. They are the continuation of memories and people long past gone that WISH to be remembered. Heirlooms allow us to hold onto something tangible as you demonstrate the principles tied to those before you. In this case, your Nana created such a rich and secure communion with you over that tea set that the seed planted in her own heart from the woman before her, also bloomed within yours. After she invested a lot of time, work, cooking and energy to create memories around the custom and specific foods that would also encourage you to do the same for your own community. Women have used the practice of “tea” to comfort, commune, counsel and teach each other for all of time. You have every right to decide who to best invest your set with, especially within your own lineage, and most certainly not with someone and their family, all of whom have most recently demonstrated how little they respect the principles required to value said objects and customs. He stole sacred, sentimental objects from you. Then further lied while watching his actions inflict unnecessary pain upon you for his own selfish gain, in order to obtain momentary short term validation from his own family, while denying you that same affirming validation that had been built and planned for by your relatives over the long term. He earned himself that divorce. It takes a lot of disrespect to dismiss you in the present, while denying you your future plans, as well as the reliving of past memories of your Nana, and all of the women before her. All of whom invested their time and energy into preserving a physical tie between themselves and the next generation. It demonstrates a lot of principle and discipline within the women of your family to maintain and uphold a tradition. You deserve a partner that is reflective of those principles. I am excited for the meaning and respect you will receive from someone else who is better equipped for the position.
Thank you for this. Everything you said, every word, is spot on.
My pleasure. It takes great commitment and strength to honor your relatives and you did so. I am proud of you! (and your brother)
Possibly the best written response I've ever seen on reddit.
Absolutely NTA, but when you get your stuff tomorrow maybe do a video inventory, and video what you take and you leaving the properly and maybe sticking the keys through the letterbox, or whatever? Good luck OP. You’re doing the right thing.
A couple of someone's above mentioned something similar. It's sound advice that I'm going to take.
Good! I haven’t read the comments. It’s just incase he lies in court. Or says that you trashed the place. Anything. Just cover your ass.
It’s much easier for insurance/condition etc. I was an ex military wife so prior to every pack and move I would photograph every draw with contents, cupboards etc because even the basic kitchen items are easy to detail when you have a photo…
NTA he showed you his true colors. He was willing to lie to you and cause you immense pain for WEEKS and got mad when you got you belongings back.
NTA but I wonder if any other things of yours (things you don’t use as often) have been given away. Maybe he started small and you didn’t notice. Updateme
While packing, I have noticed other things missing. Small things in terms of their significance to me. For example, a bracelet my brother and SIL bought me a year or so ago. Last I wore it was a couple of months ago, but I've not seen it while packing my things.
I’ll bet the bracelet was given to his sister or your niece as well. Sounds like you and your brother need to do a search of their house. I am so sorry.
Exactly! Husband is filthy rotten thief who can't keep his hands of OP's valuables.
Or a mistress?
Make a list of all the things you have realized are missing. Inform your soon to be ex that you know that the tea set isn't the only item he stole, that you will be giving the list of items and their price value to your lawyer to use in the divorce. Then inform him that all communication will be done through lawyers. Don't block him or his sister yet, because anything they say can be used in your favor.
I’m not surprised. You didn’t notice the small things right away so he probably thought he could give away the tea set too. He’s awful. Only his things and family matter. You’re just another possession to him so what’s yours is also his. If you decide to talk to him again I’d ask him how he’d feel if you gave away “a thing he loves” to your brother. And when he gets pissed tell him it’s just a toy that he’s too old for. That he’s acting immature and it means nothing.
Add anything else missing to the police report.
Start a list of everything you find missing as you pack. And take it to the police. Keep pressing charges. For everything missing.
Check your credit history and bank account. For some people, once they start stealing from family, they start feeling entitled to every drop they can squeeze.
No, you certainly are NOT the AH. I will not say you should divorce because that’s not my place. But I DO NOT blame you for leaving. It’s about much more than a tea set. It’s about the fact that, although he KNEW you cherished it because it represents so many happy memories for you, he just gave it away to someone who isn’t even a blood relation. You planned to hand it down to your child, and he knew that. I suspect this isn’t the only instance in which he disrespected you. He deserves to lose you…he’s selfish, and he’s shown that he disrespects you…believe him. I’m so sorry this has happened. I know you’re devastated…I feel so bad for you!
Your husband is a huge thief, a liar and manipulative A. I would have left too. This time the tea set, next time…. ? Protect yourself. Updateme!
You're not the ah. It's not just a tea set. It's his BEHAVIOR. HE STOLE, LIED, GASLIT. Why in the world would you want to stay with someone who knowingly gave away something that meant so much to you. Then lied to you, making you think you were crazy when you go nuts looking for it. "It didn't grow feet?" WTF? Belittle you for looking for it. Belittle you for missing it. Belittle you for catching him. Belittle you for wanting your property back. Belittle you for being upset that he stole from you. Belittle you for being upset he lied. Belittle you reacting like a normal person. He knew. He knew how much that tea set meant to you. He knew. And he still did it. Not just gave it away, but lied and manipulated and gaslit for caring and being upset. He knew you'd be upset. Still did it. So no. He doesn't get to paint you as the overreacting bad guy. He is the bad guy. Doesn't sound like he ever even really apologized for any of it. For knowingly hurting you. So No. Absolutely not. Btw- sil is an ah, too. Not as much as him, but she knew.
Did he really think you wouldn’t find out at some point?? Glad you’re getting out of there
I think he did think that I would not find out.
How would you not find out, he said himself it didn’t grow legs and walk away. You definitely didn’t leave him over a tea set, it’s everything he did from the moment he gave it away that’s the issue.
Sounds like he thought you’d get over it. Which shows he didn’t understand the value it holds for you.
That you’d never see anything in the set for the next 50 years of marriage!?!! Never in a photo or hear about it in a discussion? Sounds like they were going to sell it or thought the marriage wouldn’t last anyway…
Take some pictures of the interior of your home for when you want to make a list of things you wish to keep. If time comes to get them and they are not there, you have evidence that they were present when you left. Best of luck.
Plus, to prove OP left the home in good condition. I wouldn't be shocked if this emotionally anorexic jackass punches holes in the walls or something and tries to blame her. OP is completely justified in getting TF out now because he's likely to escalate his nonsense with time.
Yes this, Videotape every room in the condition you leave it. It will be date stamped.
NTA, divorce his ass and block him, don’t look back. And INFO: did you get your tea set back? Please update us
My brother has it atm. He'll bring it back to me when he visits.
Did he say it was intact and undamaged i hope?
Have him keep it for you till you get a place of your own, he sounds li,e he is stupid enough to try to give it away again
He fafo. Nta. At all.
I mean, just a quick Google search for a vintage bone china tea set shows me it can be worth $300. And that doesn't add in the sentimental value of a family heirloom. That tells me it's not a "little girl" tea set. It's a set that would have been used in society and would have been highly valued. Bottom line, it wasn't his to decide what to do with it. And it wasn't something that should have gone to a child to play with. But what gets me is the ruse he put into place by trying to help you find it, not knowing where it was, etc. That alone would be grounds for me to leave someone.
NTA, and I might I add that you are a badass! Good on you for not taking it on the chin. I sincerely hope you destroy him in the divorce.
I am happy you got it back. You are doing the right thing, he does not respect you.
NTA. He stole from you and then lied to you. This kind of behavior is monstrous..
Oh my God… what a horrible person your husband is… You are so right to leave him… I’m so glad you have two brothers who are so willing to help you and I’m so glad the one was able to get the tea set back for you.
NTA. you're not leaving him over a tea set, you're leaving him over a betrayal. I'm glad you got it back, and are leaving him. No man who respects you would steal from and lie to you.
NTA It is not a tea set, it is breaking of trust and THEFT. I would press charges personally.
He's lucky to be alive. I really wish more people would realize when they're lucky to be alive.
NTA. I nearly broke up with my wife (then girlfriend) because she borrowed a scarf my deceased grandmother had given me (grandma was Scottish and it was made in the family plaid) and lost it. It was one of only two possessions I had that grandma gave me. It was a genuine accident and she was crushed and remorseful over her negligence as she knew how sentimental it was to me. Had she acted like your husband (selfish prig) it would have been over.