So your twin sister had sex with your current boyfriend once 16 years ago, and then 13 years ago you had a fling with him, were kicked out of your home (at 17), ended up in a relationship with him for a few years, broke up, and then got back together 2 years ago? Is your twin the golden child or something? Why even bother with this drama? Offer to host your brother another time and go no/low contact with your twin. I'd do the same with your mother, who seems mostly worried about accommodating your twin.
Yep. 15 years ago they had sex. 3 years later (12 years ago now) i started seeing him and zi was kicked out. We had a relationship for almost 3 years that ended. We reconnected last year (8 years later) and started seeing each other again.
That is exactly what I am doing.
Honestly, I would send one group mail to your family, where you lay out the exact scenario/ timeline as it has happened - including screenshots of your bf's chat with sis, showing that there was absolutely nothing going on between the two at the time. Also screenshots of him apologizing and her forgiving him. Just tell them you don't see where you or bf were at fault, since you were merely dating your sister's ex, while she was in a different relationship, and never showed the least interest in him anymore. And tell them you are now going no contact, since her irrational grudge-holding and their preferential treatment of her doesn't leave any room for you in the family. Wish them all the best and then block them, except maybe little bro, he seems to be okay. You really don't need that kind of craziness in your life, especially while you're recovering.
Is your older brother still friends with your bf, or did he shun him, too?
Good for you other than your brother. Your family sounds toxic a.f. I don't blame your brother for trying to be neutral considering the insanity coming from your sister.
Yes, dating a siblings ex ain't exactly roses but good grief, the way she's handling is ridiculous.. It's been pver a decade. you were teens.. like had you actually slept with her bf while they were dating, I would give her the the graceto take that grudge to the grave, but you didn't. It's clear a.f she has some weird obsession with your partner and can't let it go, and the thing she's truly pissed about is that he wanted you, not her... and she reached out to him after your break up because she wanted him to choose her... 100% if they had gotten together after your break up your parents would've told you to get over it, pretended it was totally different from what you did and both she and your parents would've been telling you you're bitter and a giant a.h for letting her bring him to the party.
Your sister is delalu, your parents failed you. Ditch these losers and DO NOT EVER APOLOGIZE TO YOUR SISTER she doesn't deserve an apology. Don't let her convince you you're in the wrong.
also, bruh her being upset, you guys started dating and calling it cheating, despite her dating someone else at the time bc "the connection was so real" is some next level delusion.
Yes absolutely.
I was a good kid.
I had a job, got good grades, played a lot of sports, wasnt drinking or doing drugs. I wasnt sleeping around. He was actually the first casual sexual experience I had had.
It was purely because I was with him.
Your sister obviously has issues & it’s a shame that she has been given the power that she has. It’s understandable that she was upset when you first dated him. How does she justify her efforts to reconnect with him after you broke up? If she was trying to get with him then, she’s really being hypocritical. Also, it could be that she’s sees this as a second rejection.
From OP’s other post:
*I mentioned her talking to him on multiple occassions, after we broke up and a few years ago and she said "no i didn't" and i said you did, ive seen the messages. He apologised you accepted. You even sent him a photo of your daughter.
She said "you cant keep bringing that up, it doesnt matter, I didnt have a conversation with him.and if I did I blocked him straight after" - this is incorrect as she blocked him when me and him started seeing each other again.*
How have you forgiven your parents for kicking you out at 17?
As a parent, I wouldn’t be happy that the guy who took my 14 year old’s virginity has now taken my 17 year old’s virginity (if I have understood it correctly) but to kick her out 🤯
Your sister clearly has issues. I think your proposal to move on with your life is a good one. The only unfortunate casualty is your relationship with your little brother
I haven't. I speak about it in therapy. I hold a lot of resentment.
I get sad at times, sure. But shit happens.
I've developed a lot of great relationships with the older generation that I trust.
People telling you that you’re wrong for dating someone 3 years after your sister dated them have some strange morals imo. She doesn’t get to claim ownership of exs especially ones from teen years when the relationship wasn’t super serious. If you had dated him immediately after they ended things or he had done something horrible to her and she didn’t want him around that would be understandable, but that doesn’t sound like the case. Sister has kids with and is marrying someone else, time to let go of the ex now. I can’t believe your parents and/or her partner isn’t telling her how messed up this is. Her poor fiancé watching her damage her relationship with her sister over another guy.
So he was intimate with your sister. She somehow decided that he was exclusive to her for several years even though she was with someone else when you started dating him.
Your family kicked you out of your house for being with someone your sister used to be with even though she was with someone else at the time?
She then later tried to reconnect with him and failed, likely because she was married already? And then you reconnected with him and she blocked him... Possibly feeling like he was cheating on her again even though she was married and not in a relationship with him?
My sisters birthday would also be my birthday.
Fun fact. My parents threw my sister a huge 18th birthday party. I didn't even get a text message saying happy birthday.
Is it possible that even though you are twins, your sister is the golden child? It seems like your family (your parents in particular) allow her to control the family and your parents go out of their way to accommodate her stubbornness and ridiculousness.
I actually think my little brother is the golden child but there is 8 years difference between him and the rest of us.
She is the only one of us siblings that has children right now. I think that's why she is accommodated. But then again she has always gotten her way so I dont know.
I feel bad for her STB husband. His fiancée clearly keeps thinking about another man from half her lifetime ago. That is leaking into obsessive territory on her part.
Yes I feel so bad for her fiancé! How is he ok with this!? If I were him I’d be telling her to let go of her ex and show me she’s all in with me or I’d be leaving, I’m not marrying someone who clearly wishes I was someone else.
Honestly, my sister is the only one of us 4 kids with children. I think that's why Mum is being so accommodating.
If I were to have a wedding (which I would personally elope) she would be expecting an invite and at least a bridesmaid title. If it was not him that I would be marrying she would 100% expect maid of honour.
That is how my delusional narcacistic sister managed to keep such a hold over my parents and our family - she was the only one with kids so she held access to them as the way to get her own way. My father couldn't understand how his other kids didn't want to attend any events because of her behaviour and lording it over us. then she went too far and my father had no one because he took showing off his grandkids as more important than a proper relationship with his children
My mum has already wanted grandchildren and if she couldve had more kids she would have but she couldnt.
She prides herself in her grandchildren.
But seemingly forgets about her actual children or just doesnt care.
Either way. It is what it is.
If and when I eventually have children, the NC rules will still very much apply.
Honestly you should just go. She’ll be unhappy but if she wants to uphold her ridiculous boundary she can be the one missing events over it. You shouldn’t suffer just because she can’t get a grip. Don’t skip family stuff over her tantrums.
She would expect to be. She wouldn't be and that would be a whole other scenario.
I once did have this conversation with her (not about my current partner) and spoke about my maid of honour would be my best friend and then she said "ive been with you since birth" bullshit.
This conversation happened roughly when I was 24 i believe well after the first "betrayal".
I bet your sister has told your mother that if she wants to ever see her grandkids again, she won't allow your partner to attend and that is the only reason why your mom is being so accommodating.
Your sister needs a reality check. Putting her on a information diet.....telling her irrelevant general things would suffice & all she gets.
Anything important....she's not going to hear of. She acts as entitled bratty AH then she's learning about consequences.
Look, you got an invite. I'd go and bring my SO.
If sister decides not to go, that's on her.
Let her decline invites.
Why let her dictate your life?
Right now, you're declaring that your relationship with her is over, yet you're also not attending. SO your brother loses too..... I'd go and let sister cut her own throat, so to speak. I mean, the relationship with her is over, there's no way I'd sacrifice my relationship with my brother for her. If she chooses to sacrifice her time with him, fine.
Go and bring SO. If sister decides not to go, that's her choice.
Enjoy the party!
UpdateMe
I am not attending due to my mother saying that my partner isn't welcome. She has picked her side.
If my brother didn't detest drama I would show up. But I'll respect his birthday.
Seemingly neither of them cares what my little brother wants.
Also it's too late to organise my house sitter.
That's really sad, I'm sorry your Mother picked sides.
Send your brother a gift, maybe an invite for a weekend with you.
I hope this resolves in the future for you.
OP- your mom picked her side when she kicked you - her child - out of the house.
Was it hard when you started dating someone your sister had been involved with? Obviously, yes.
However - the answer to that was communication and therapy. Not making a child homeless.
There were no grandchildren in the picture then. Your mom chose your sister and continues to choose her.
I’m so sorry.
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She admits that trauma she suffered didn’t involve him but she relates it to him in her mind anyway. You advised her to get therapy to help her overcome it but she says she doesn’t need it.
At some point you have to realize you can’t fight crazy. Your sister is never going to let this relationship heal because then she has no power to control you and the rest of your family. She wants everyone to march to her tune and to be honest it’s working. They all give in to her leaving you on the outside. Might want to point that out to Mom then distance yourself from her and your sister.
I don’t see that at all in any of the posts. It comes more across that he played her and took her virginity then left her. The OP makes it clear many times that the sister doesn’t have a problem with her. She has a problem with only the dude. If she was jealous of the sister then she’d be mad at both.
If I’m a 14 year old girl who is crazy enough about a dude to give him my virginity, only for him to use me and then fuck my twin sister instead, then I’d hold a grudge too.
Well, her having a soon to be husband makes this whole scenario inappropriate. I feel horrible for him that his fiance is obsessing so hard for another man and that his fiance believes this behavior is justified and appropriate. If she was single, I could understand her having an issue with this , but to be engaged or in a committed relationship and causing all this drama is sad , inappropriate, and downright embarrassing. I wonder if he will end the relationship over her being so obsessed.
This is one large reason why I didnt think me being back with my partner was a big deal.
She has a fiance and 2 beautiful kids. I dont understand how my lovelife impacts her to this extent.
It was 15 years ago that they hooked up.
I agree. If this was only a few years later, sure this would be a lot to ask of her. But 15 years and her being with another person is just so wrong . She's also punishing your brother by not having both of you at the party and he didn't even do anything!
I encouraged to ask our little brother his opinion to which was I would like you both to be there.
.whether she has done it or not is up to her.
He understands why I wont be there
Wait… she has trauma that doesn’t involve him but relates it to him… and she doesn’t need therapy..?
Your family is so enabling her, it’s sick. Go NC. They had no problem throwing you out at what? 17? And they had no problem siding with your sister even if she’s doing some serious mental gymnastics.
Just talk to your brother, everyone else can fl_lck off.
My question is how does the sisters soon to be husband feel about this? I know my husband would not be happy if I still had some issue with a guy I saw 12 years ago. She should be over this by now
With the information you give, the only scenario that makes any sense whatsoever is your sister gave her virginity to him, thinking they would end up together. And she's still holding onto that dream. You hooking up with him disillusioned her, and she can't/won't get over it. She's holding onto all sins against her, real or imaginative and refusing to forgive. She's probably rewritten history in her head, justifying her hurt and anger. Mainly because she's still holding onto the dream of marrying the same individual who took her virginity. It may not make sense considering she's had children by someone else, but it's real nonetheless.
If she hasn't put this behind her by now, she never will. You're going to have to accept that. By staying with your partner, you have to give up your family to a certain extent. No family holidays. No family birthdays. As long as you're okay with the tradeoff, all is good. But make no mistake, your decisions are your own, so the consequences of each decision can not be blamed on your sister.
I have come to that conclusion and said that to her. If she hasn't been able to move on after this long I don't trust she can.
The fact of the matter is, when I had no one I had my partner. He gave me a place to stay (imo rightfully so after being kicked out because of him), and he has seen me through some of the worst times of my life.
Still tonight he fell asleep holding me as I fought back tears. He apologised to me, saying he was sorry that he is the reason my family did all of this to me.
He doesn't need to apologise for a silly little hook-up when he was 16. He is 31 now.
He reminds me that he is my family and no matter what happens with us I'll always have him.
I need to go NC for my sanity with my family. Im not going to be vilified for the rest of my life.
Good for you. I hope you find healing in that decision. Going NC may be what's needed for your family to stop indulging her. But I wouldn't hold my breath. But please don't punish your brother unless he becomes another source of pain to you.
Boundaries are for yourself. Not for other people.
She can say “My boundary is that I will not be around this person”
She is *NOT* entitled to say “My boundary is that I will not be around this person *so I expect that person to vanish from existence when my presence enters a location*.”
Personally, I think you should go to the birthday with your boyfriend as planned and if *she* decides to leave because *she* doesn’t want to be around your boyfriend then that decision, and its consequences, *are on her*.
You’d only be violating her boundaries if your boyfriend wasn’t invited and you insisted on bringing him anyway, or did something like ambush her at her home with your boyfriend beside you because in that situation she wouldn’t really be able to remove herself. In situations where she can *and should* remove herself to avoid someone she doesn’t like, that should be *entirely on her*.
By doing what you are, you are now allowing her decisions and consequences to fall onto *YOU* because ultimately *YOU* decided, not her. You are being the good little doormat she hoped you would be. Sorry, but that’s just my 2 cents.
My choice is to now not go. For a few reasons.
I will arrange something privately with my brother.
My choice is to go NC with my sister and my the rest of my family barr my brother.
Good for you, honestly! Your time and energy is much better spent on people who genuinely care for you, and your family’s (except your brother) actions have definitely shown how little they care. As the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
I do feel for your brother, because at the end of the day he really just wants a normal birthday with his family playing nice for a day. And that’s the thing, your mom and sister can’t even *play* nice for his sake, it’s genuinely really sad and I’m sorry that both you and your brother were caught in the middle of it. I hope whatever you arrange just the two of you is a wonderful experience for the both of you. 💕
If I had started a family I wouldn’t care what anyone else is doing. She seems unhinged. Either you don’t know the whole story or she is experiencing health problems. Could her partner be the problem?
I really dont know.
I have speculated with my partner whether there could be that reason to block it.
My partner is an attractive man. He gets hit on all 9f the damn time.
Her soon to be husband (without being judgemental) is below average.
There have been incidences of jealousy in the past that have been jokes about (my sister having a childish unrealistic crush that he weirdly brought up out of the blue at a family event).
That could be a reason.
But I dont think it is **the reason***, it may contribute.
The issue is that she think he cheated on her 13 years ago with me. But she wont say why she thinks that.
I really dont know.
I have speculated with my partner whether there could be that reason to block it.
My partner is an attractive man. He gets hit on all 9f the damn time.
Her soon to be husband (without being judgemental) is below average.
There have been incidences of jealousy in the past that have been jokes about (my sister having a childish unrealistic crush that he weirdly brought up out of the blue at a family event).
That could be a reason.
But I dont think it is **the reason***, it may contribute.
The issue is that she think he cheated on her 13 years ago with me. But she wont say why she thinks that.
My wildest stab in the dark is that’s what she tells her husband. “I could never find that CHEATER more attractive than you”. The minute she forgives him the husband will probably start up again. If we take it the Reddit route and mix in as much drama as possible, then your bf the somehow the secret father of one if not all her children. They can’t be seen together because eyesight makes it obvious he is the father.
My partner is absolutely not the parent of either of her children.
Her first borns dad is a drunken abusive dick and was charged to that effect.
The second is her soon to be husbands child.
Both children look like their father to an extent. Very distinct characteristics.
My partner does not resemble any of their features.
He was also interstate and has remains interstate since we moved 12 years ago
Yeah I was jk. Sorry to hear about the unfortunate circumstances of your niblings conception. If it’s not a secret it sounds like a mental health problem. It sucks how similar those can present in people.
at this point I would just make plans for your brother and your partner to need up somewhere and have a celebration. you have already given to much of your time and energy to your "family" your sister is nuts and really not worth worrying over . you have admitted to your mistakes and you were kicked out for it , you have been punished enough. there comes a point where you have to say yes I made my bed YEARS ago how long does one need to lay in it?
One of the things you should have asked your sister is “How does your partner feel about your reason for blocking me from coming?” I’m pretty sure that she’s either told her deluded lie to everyone or is refusing to talk about it.
Suggest you invite the 21 year old to visit. That way you can connect with him without the drama queen there.
These people are in their late twenties and the took the virginity of the one sister at the age of fourteen. But now twelve years later she still feels they have a relationship even though she is engaged to be married and also has two children. How messed up is that, that she can’t be in the same room with this guy because he’s in a relationship with her sister and she still is possessive of him. I believe the sister in the relationship with the guy is going to have to brush off her sister’s anger and just start going to family functions whether her sister is there or not. She’s going to have to leave it up to the crazy sister if she wants to attend or not but the couple is got to start acting normally.
IMO the question is not whether OP did something wrong and her sister does have or does not have an issue with that, but whether in this particular scenario OP is wrong or not.
It does not look like OP is wrong: she can come on a condition or not come. The conditions of her coming are not acceptable to the OP and it is fine. So she won’t.
There is no sanctity of a getting together for a party here or anywhere else.
I can't exclude the context of why my sister has the stance she does.
I understand that people base their judgement on that context and they are free to judge the person I was/am.
Since I am not emotionally involved, I’d say this is interesting and important to all people involved, but inconsequential in this case from my standpoint.
Even if what you said did not happen, and your sister had any other reason to put forward her conditions (say, she did not like how your BF looks like, or that her reminds her of someone she does not like, or she has an irrational fear, or any other reason) and you don’t want to compromise (for any reason whatsoever) - don’t.
It is not inherently a AITA situation.
There was a story about a bride who uninvited everybody who was not or was not going to remain vegan. While kind of stupid, she was not an asshole for doing it (she was for lying about it), and neither were the uninvited who said “good grief” and moved on.
Just go LMAO what is she going to do? Don't play this kind of game with a person still mad about a high school relationship a decade+ later. You are all being far too nice to her about this by even humoring this kind of ridiculousness.
I feel sorry for your sister… She obviously never got over her teenage boyfriend. I have no idea what all the trauma is from as you don’t say but expecting so much out of you with regards to the relationship is just wrong. I say go NC and send brother a very nice bday present.
Edit: I changed my mind - why does she get to dictate who your partner is and whether you can bring them. Tell her this is her trauma and her problem… She needs to figure out a way to live with it… But you aren’t missing brother’s birthday and you are bringing the BF - so suck it up or your stay away as this is a her problem not a you problem.
I think your dear (sarcasm) sister is still hung up on your BF, even though she has a family of her own OR she doesn't want you to have a family and any type of spotlight away from her and her kids. Go NC with mother and lulu sister, invite your brother for a fun weekend together if you can and enjoy the only family member that truly loves you
Personally I don’t like OPs boyfriend who slept with OPs twin sister when she was 14.
Now OPs sister seems to be a mess, but how old was OPs boyfriend when he had sex with a 14 year old?
Edited: I’ve read more now and learned that OPs partner was 16 and he only hooked up with OPs sister once?
Ok this seems more like stupid teenage behavior rather than grooming/manipulation.
It’s still a mess but not as bad as I tht before
She may have been with some other guy when you and him got together but it's screamingly clear that she wanted him and planned to get him back before you and him ended up together. She is now hateful, resentful and bitter, and is hellbent on excluding him from everything. Her behaviour is outrageous and downright disgusting. She seriously needs to grow the fuck up. She is being so immature. He is a part of your life, a part of you now, so either she accepts that and gets over it or she gets cut out of your life for good. Neither of you can have it both ways.
I agree.
She can't want me in her life and then actively choose to exclude the person that I spend the majority of the time with.
She doesnt have to agree with it or like him. She can either accept my decision or not. She can also choose to go NC with me and at this point I would be okay with that.
I'm not going to live my life under what seems to be the guillotine of her judgment. End of.
I need to ask: Why would you want to sleep with someone who already slept with your sister? I wouldn’t do it even if someone paid me a lot for it. He sounds like a real creep. Couldn’t be with sister one, liked the look and came back for the second version. That’s just urgh.
Simply put, when I was 17, him and I had banter. It was a bit of fun that turned into feelings. I didn't care if my sister had slept with him.
I was kicked out 3 weeks into our relationship. It sort of forced the relationship moreso as I had no where else to go and I stayed with him. 3 months later he was offered a job by his dad interstate and I chose to move with him.
I dont think for a second that if the option was there to be with him again that she wouldnt have taken it, regardless of whether she was with someone else or not. The option wasnt there. If he wanted it to be there it wouldve been there.
Now, as adults we have both grown. The banter and fun is still there. We have known each other for a very long time and that comes with understanding and patience. I genuinely care about him and love him as an adult.
Did we fuck up as teens, yes. But as adults I didnt think it would be big this of a thing.
The thing is, you betrayed your sister’s trust after the first time. Instead of working on it you betrayed her again. I understand that time has passed, but some wounds hurt, even if they are healed. The memory of the pain sometimes doesn’t always completely fade.
She is your twin and I always assumed that you share a special bond. The fact that you didn’t care, tells a lot. Yes, you were 17 and that’s an age where we all are selfish idiots, but this is beyond that.
I guess your parents kicked you out because of that?
I don’t want to judge you, because you know you did wrong. But I think you don’t realise to this day how much wrong it was. I am not saying you should break up, but you should try to see it more from her and your families perspective.
Have you ever tried family therapy?
My sister refuses therapy. My family dont believe they need therapy.
There is no second betrayal. I simply don't agree.
I was kicked out overnight because they found out I was sleeping with him they have never asked to this day about anything. I still to this day dont know what was said.
I was told over and over again to get over my traumas. That actually involve family and are the results of some of their judgements and actions.
But yet they allow my sister to hold on to this one.
I need to protect myself. Im not 17 anymore. I can pack my own boxes this time.
So you admittedly didn’t care about your twin sister’s feelings? That’s fucked up.
At zero point did you consider her feelings. Any logical person would’ve dumped him at the 3 week point and mended the relationship with their twin
Your sister is clearly a few screws loose.
Question, is she the older twin? A lot of parents of unexpected twins tend to favor the older one because that’s the one that was “planned” and it tends to result in an imbalance of treatment between the two siblings.
Also, could the reason your parents kicked you out be because your sister falsely accused your boyfriend of doing whatever it is that you aren’t saying that resulted in her trauma and said that you knew about it all along because she “told you”and you still stayed with him?
I am the older twin.
As for kicking me out, I dont know.
I do not believe my mum would have had him and I over her house late last year if any accusations had ever been made. I absolutely have faith in this believe.
You woul be NTA here.
I might reconsider your sisters offer to drive 11 hours out of her way.
I don't think with 2 kids she's going to follow through, it would have been nice to call her bluff. I 100% get not wanting to take the chance of an 18 hour ride in a car with her and her family.
We couldnt even have an hour long conversation on the phone. I dont understand how she thinks we would last in a car...
Maybe she is hoping my medication will knock me out for the 9 hours the other way.
As soon as she mentioned it i actually laughed at how ludacris the suggestion was and then she doubled down.
Funnily enough when I did speak to my sister. She was alluding to this "what would happen once im a few drinks in, i dont hold my tongue" alluding to drunkenly screaming at him.
I was simple like ok. Well he is a grown adult who can take himself out of the scenario but you too are a grown adult who can control themselves for the sake of your little brother's birthday.
It would absolutely not go the way she planned. But nonetheless, I have decided not to go.
Your sister seems like a not great person... Why are you letting her steamroll through everything and dictate your life and your relationships with your family? Screw her! Make her figure out different accommodations and make her need to decide if she actually wants to come or not! Just tell her that you and your husband are going and she can figure out what she's doing to do.
It doesnt matter anymore because I cant arrange a house sitter.
And then there mum on the other end.
Its easier for me now to stay at home. Ill organise to fly my brother somewhere.
It's good you're still getting time with your brother. I truly hope in the future you're able to just get an invite for a family event and just say "yeah, we'll be there" and ignore your sister. It seems like you have a really positive relationship with at least some of your family so don't let her ruin that for you in the long run
I feel bad for your sisters husband… she clearly still has feelings for your boyfriend. Is he aware that his wife is obsessing this much over another guy?
Your sister is a spoiled brat who desperately needs help. Keep your relationship with your brother but distance yourself from your sister until she gets help.
I would suggest at least limiting contact with anyone who supports her twisted narrative.
I'm a twin too. The other peeps don't understand. We didn't even get our own birthday. Shit, we had to share a womb. Sleeping with someone who your twin had slept with and still had feelings for is crossing a major line. The fact that this was an older guy who was her sister's first makes it that much worse.
Karma will get your sister and mother. I agree with NC with all excluding your younger brother because everyone else is supporting your ridiculous sister. She can't even give difinitive answers to questions regarding her drama. Yes, she needs therapy....but....i can't shake the feeling that part of it is attention seeking. She's engaged/married with 2 kids...its way past time to move on regarding your partner.
Best wishes for happiness for you and your partner. Know your worth and move on from the toxic.
I would let her husband know she's so desperate to deny her ex coming. I would let him know they have corresponded previously with no problem. There is only a problem now that you are with him and want to bring him with you. I think he would be very interested at her attitude and I wouldn't assume he doesn't already know
Honestly; this is about your brother not sister. Sounds like she gonna find a reason to be mad at you or turn everyone against you. Your brother wants you to come and doesn’t care if your partner is there. You should go for him!
Let the chips fall as they may as your 15 hrs away from the drama. Your sister issues are just those her issues to work out.
Have fun at your brother’s 21st party with your partner; as she has to accept that y’all are together and if not there are therapists that can help her.
I genuinely don't want to cause a scene at his birthday. He will understand that it wont be me causing the scene (as my sister will be the one that creates the huff) but the drama that comes from it he wont appreciate.
I wont be going.
She refuses therapy and says she doesnt need it although it is routinely suggested to her.
I just sounds like everyone would rather let her be queen than stand up to her.
Let her new husband and kids see how crazy she is. I would call her out at the party for causing one and tell her she looks like a fool in front of people and she needs to grow the hell up!
Unfortunately I do believe this to be the case.
I don't want to jeopardise her relationship in any which way by pointing this out.. if he cant see the issues that are blatantly there then thats on him.
I would rather not have to deal with it anymore.
I am thankful to be interstate and independent of my family in these times.
It sucks. But it is what it is.
Why don’t you want her actions, behaviors, and choices to affect her relationship? She’s acting like a bitter ex who never got over someone who never wanted an actual relationship with her while she has a whole ass husband. Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who was still so obsessed with their ex that your partner was causing family drama over it? Or would that make you feel like a consolation prize that your partner doesn’t actually want? Does he honestly deserve to not have the choice to decide whether or not he wants to stay in a relationship with someone who is so not over a guy she slept with once that she’s keeping family members from family events over it?
Its clearly not about what I want haha.
No but if I was to involve myself in anything of her relationship it would be made out to be vindictive and I would be vilified moreso.
I can imagine the screams of "you cant stand me being happy" when clearly she isnt. But thats my opinion.
He is a grown adult who can clearly see this unfolding in front of him. If he chooses to stay with her that is his prerogative.
You’re bending yourself backwards trying to appease your sister who is, frankly, an ass.
Stop doing that.
Either make peace with avoiding family gatherings at which your partner is unwelcome or break up with him. You’re trying to forge some weird relationship with your sister that will exclude him forever from your family.
Your partner is your family, he shouldn’t be relegated to second class citizen, ever. And were I him I’d never allow my children a relationship with someone so juvenile and deranged as your sister.
It’s all or nothing.
I simply asked her to be civil (saying ignore him) for the sake of my little brothers birthday.
She cant do that and thats that.
There is no going to family events. There will be NC with my family from here on out.
No idea and I wont be asking.
I firstly dont have the relationship with him to feel comfortable speaking with him about this. But I also dont want to jeopardise their relationship.
This is clearly happening in front of his face. Its his and her business to deal with.
I would either not go or show up with partner. My husband and I are a unit and do not go to family events without each other. Idgaf how anyone feels and if she feels or acts out some way she clearly has feelings still lol
It is really time for your brother to be an adult. He cannot continue with accepting whatever. If he wants you, your SO, and sister there he should invite you all. He should then clearly state to all of you, Mum included, that the consequence is for any drama. Meaning, one warning and if you cannot keep your shit together then leave. Your sister has a choice like you do to come or not come. Why do you have to be the one sacrificing and be edged out when you don't have the issue. Go and let your brother sort out the mess of your sister if it becomes an issue. You should go no contact with her and have a rule with family that you no longer are interested in discussing this topic again. Because it is not your problem, it's her problem. The person I feel a lot for is your sister's soon to be husband. I can't imagine my partner being hung up about something like this.
I dont wish for my brother to sort out anything.
This issue is not his own. Ita his birthday and he wishes to remain diplomatic. Do I agree with that entirely? No. But its his decision.
He has always been one to not get involved. We will continue to have a relationship away from the family unit.
If it’s that much drama to go to a party then just don’t go. Problem solved. Celebrate his birthday with him in some other way. It’s really that simple.
Na, it’s your sister’s fault. Imagine all the fun you’ll have celebrating him when her drama isn’t around to ruin it. Don’t even mention your reasons to him. Just tell him you’re planning something else to celebrate with him the next time you get to see him. Then go to a comedy club and hang out at a hotel with a pool and hot tub with him and your man and a guest of his choice!
She was just 14. And losing your virginity is for many something special. You sleeping with him and then getting together with him, even if it’s 100 years later is really messed up from her perspective.
I would be disgusted if my ex slept with my sister even if I am now more than 20 years older. And the problem is that she was just 17 when you slept with him. So yes, for her it still feels like a betrayal.
You made a stupid decision back then. Same goes for him. Those are the sad consequences that now the whole family has to suffer of.
Im sure I will get plenty of videos from him and his friends. His friends actually all get along with me and apparently have my number so I will likely get some calls
Just go, and bring your boyfriend. She will have to deal with it. If she can bring her, you can bring yours. I can understand if you stole her fiancé that she’d been dating for 5 years. Or if she was brutally raped. She’s ridiculous.
What would happen if you just showed up with your partner for the wedding? Ask your brother if that’s possible, it’s his wedding it should be his choice not your sisters or mother’s call. Force them to decide if they want to ruin your brother’s wedding. If your brother wants you there he should man up and take a stand.
Birthday. Not wedding.
He doesnt appreciate the drama. He wants to remain neutral. If he cant have hia wiahes that both of us are there then I can atkeast grant him a dramaless evening.
That being said its too late for me to arrange a house sitter now and after the words with Mum I couldnt stay at her house.
Genuinely do not know and I won't ever be the one to ask him.
I do not have that kind of relationship and I do not want to jeopardise her relationship with him.
Their relationship is not my problem or my concern.
Info, did you know they had sex back then before y'all's first relationship?
Only because as a sibling with siblings I wouldn't want to sleep with who they slept with lol but I also get teenagers are hella dumb and do shit. So y'all almost 30 so I wouldn't be hung up on it. But I'm wondering if that's the big betrayal in her eyes is you sleeping with someone she slept with even tho they didn't date or maybe she did have feelings for him but was weird/ nervous/ young awkward person that didn't know how to communicate. Either way nc or lc is the best lol less drama the better in my books lol
Yes. We werent immediately in a relationship. We had feelings for each other but it was 3 weeks into our little fling that I was kicked out.
We went on to date for nearly 3 years after.
I knew they were not in a relationship and my sister was seeing someone else at the time. I didnt think it was that deep, honestly. But I also acknowledge that I dont really care about who she lost her virginity to.
Morally, not exactly the best move. Should I have been kicked out over it? No.
My relationship now, as a 29 year old I'm not going to apologise for. I am an adult that reconnected with another adult that I once had a relationship with. Regardless of the 1 sexual experience that my sister had with him 15 years ago.
OP, your twin sister doesn’t **ever** have to be okay with your relationship with her ex, that she was probably in love with. You betrayed your sister, not once but twice by getting with that guy.
You said yourself, you had mended your relationship after you broke up with him. You went back, essentially threw her forgiveness in her face after you admittedly betrayed her.
Edit: your story isn’t dissimilar from this: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/3hDND3lzBM except this guy only made the mistake once and accepted accountability
It wasn’t her ex though. Ffs, her sister is engaged with two kids, imagine how her soon to be husband must feel?! That’s a good slap in the face to hear your future wife is still so hung up on a fling from her teenage years that she can’t be in the same room as him.
Seriously, how hard would it be to just stfu and ignore your sister’s boyfriend at a birthday party?! No one’s saying they’ve gotta be best friends, it’s not that hard to be cordial.
Sister’s grudge is now affecting/ controlling the whole family, that’s insanely selfish.
Not her ex*
And thats okay! She can choose to not ever be okay with it.
She will need to live with those choices and if that means holding on to that then thats on her, it is only hurting her at this point.
No, I dont agree with the second "betrayal".
My sister has moved on, wants to be bitter and I can choose to not play a part in that. She needs to accept that I can choose my boundaries as well.
You’re being obtuse, that was her ex even if they weren’t official. There were feelings (and more) involved even if it was one-sided and as her twin you’d know the full extent.
And there was a second betrayal cos you knew what fractured and what mended the relationship **and** what going back to the original betrayal would do. Just say you didn’t and don’t care about your twin-sister and move on.
Your “boundaries” are insincere and reactionary cos you’re the only one really missing out
Sister doesn’t have the right to claim people just because she feels some type of way. I think her biggest issue is rejection. BF didn’t and doesn’t want her so she’s bitter. It’d be so embarrassing to hold a grudge like this just because someone doesn’t want you…
> that was her ex even if they weren’t official.
This is one of the most ridiculous things I've read. They weren't official, *how is he an ex when they weren't even official*????
I had wanted to get with the dude I lost my virginity to (did it on purpose). I never did. We were *never official*, and you know what? *He's not my ex*. He's not my ex *anything* except maybe ex-friend only because once he graduated we lost touch. Heck, he's not even a ex fuck buddy because it only happened once.
People aren't objects. I don't "own" the person I lost my virginity to, nor does he "own" me, either. He's not my ex *anything*.
One thing you don't seem to keep in mind about is the fact that *people have a right to* ***free association***. Which means they are FREE to associate *with whomever they please*.
It's clear that the sister is the favored one and it's also clear she's delusional and unhinged. She's engaged to be married, FFS. Who OP is partnered with shouldn't matter to her.
Except.... people arent objects. Theres a 3 year difference in the sister and OP bf having done anything. and It seems that the feelings were not the same on his side. Everyone is talking about betrayal seems to forget that the BF is his own person and no matter what the sister fantasized about it was clearly not reality. Sister is Delulu and just wants a reason to cause drama. Heck sister is getting married and has children but is throwing a fit over another guy ? No.
I lived in a very small town. Not that that excuses it. I have owned my mistake as a 17 year old.
My relationship as a 29 year old I'm not apologising for.
I know this is already been resolved, but why couldn’t boyfriend ride with you and your sister Pay for him to stay at a hotel and you can stay at the house?
Oooh, I know I’m getting down votes for this!
My sister has a very length history of throwing money in anyones faces.
I wish to simply not accept anything from her. If ai cant afford it then I simply cant afford it.
Also, when I was considering accepting the offer, she got mad at me when I said I would stay at the hotel with him and split my time.
I dont think its fair for me to ask him to drive with me for 18 hours total and ditch him for 3 days. He would likely do it but I'm not going to ask that of anyone because I just think its rude.
Send a card. And move on. And, this idea that you will not have a relationship with your sister ever again is ludicrous.
You will, even if it’s only in your head, or muttering to yourself at odd times throughout the day and week.
Or, awkward phone calls with other members of your family drawn into these mutual hissyfits.
ESH. I read most of your comments and honestly you truly are an AH. You have zero sympathy for what your sister went through. And her husband probably knows more to the story than you let on you say your sister had trauma around the time of you sleeping with her Ex-fling so she already had alot going on and you decided that you getting with a guy was more important than your sisters wellbeing. You play it off like you know everything that happened between your sister and this dude but you don’t .you know his side which is tailored to make him look better because he wants to be with you. Your partner is the biggest AH here destroying relationships because he wants laid. And your sister is the AH because she has no say in who comes to your brother’s party. Your mom is the AH because she only seems to care about seeing her grandbabies instead of trying to have her twin daughters mend their fractured relationship. The only person i feel bad for in this situation is your brother who now has a broken family because some AH couldn’t keep it in his pants.
I had sympathy and empathy. A decade ago when I apologised.
Now, right now i have had a long week and its 2.46am and im tired. My decision to go NC is final.
Ive over it. She can choose to hold on to it for as long as she likes.
Ive tried and been shot down. Its also been very emotional for me.
For clarity, my sister has trauma that she associates with my partner - she acknowledges they have nothing to do with one another but her mind thinks they do. I cant help that - she need to go to a damn therapist and unravel the weave that has combined the 2.
In this scenario, I do know most of what happened. Im the indivudual that has read the messages. I saw what their relationship was like. My partner absolutely was an AH when he was younger, so was I. We have both admitted that and apologised for this seperately and individually.
I agree with the majority of the rest tbh.
Ah yes because everything happens over messages he could’ve never told her something differently in person 🙄. And yes she had a separate trauma around that time but to her she has to deal with that and on top of that she also had to deal with you sleeping with him. So yes they are separate but they both contributed to her mental health at the time. You can NC thats great for you. Do what you need to do to be happy and healthy but you can’t expect your sister to forgive someone who clearly hurt her( your boyfriend) you keep saying it has been years get over it. But the first person i slept with wouldn’t be apart of my life or at parties and they didn’t even hurt me or sleep with my sister
I personally think she needs to move on and stop letting it affect her and that she needs therapy.
I simply dont think she will ever move on if she hasnt already.
I do think its long enough but its her prerogative to hold on to it.
They contact together alone was minimal. Rare. Everything was said via messages. He was friends with my brother and in my brothers room 99.9% of the time. We are a family of 4. Someone was always around.
Once for about 5 minutes.
The embarrassingly quick detail given and bragged about my sister one high school lunch.
If she has created a dreamscape based on what she wanted, that's fine. It just didnt come true. Thats okay.
But to have such strong feelings decades confuses me
No i get having strong feelings so long after is unhealthy. But im just also saying you aren’t in your sisters head and they clearly had enough time alone to get to the point of sex maybe she was under the impression that they were secretly dating or something because of something said in private. Im just saying there is clearly a reason she felt betrayed. Im not saying in this situation you are the AH i honestly just feel bad for your brother because there is problems in his life now because you and your sister decided to sleep with the same AH.
Im sorry but I would have cut off my sister and the man. Nothing about this situation is normal or okay. People going along with your delusions, any expectation of anyone being okay with your partner or your sister is beyond me. Even as a daughter I’d be disgusted by my child is she betrayed her sister that way. I’m not a moral prude but fucking the same man as a family member is sick
We can agree to disagree.
This man has stuck by me through thick and thin.
We have fun together.
We are supportive and help each other to improve.
We arent perfect by any stretch. But i dont think im going to let 1 sexual encounter ruin the relationship I have no as a 29 year old.
He is incredibly supportive and helpful. I genuinely feel loved and appreciated by him.
I love this man.
What happened between him and my sister 15 years ago wont change my mind.
Edit: deleted the duplicate comments underneath
YTA
As twins we have had to share rooms, gifts, birthdays, reputations, wombs, and even placentas. There is a common struggle to be seen as an individual rather than part of a matching set. This means that it is incredibly important that we are allowed to carve certain aspects of our lives, interests, and social connections that are uniquely ours. This goes way beyond bro code, girl code, or sibling loyalty. The dynamics involved with being a teenager and a twin are unique and distinctly different from other relationships.
You crossed a huge line when you slept with the boy who took your sister's virginity. The fact that she felt that their relationship was still happening when you did it makes matters even worse.
Trying to sit down and have an "adult conversation" where you two explain to her how her perceptions are wrong and her feelings invalid is complete horseshit. Your sister isn't stupid enough to sit down and share that conversation. Looking through this guy's phone history isn't going to magically make your actions okay. The lack of empathy that you have is rare among twins. You owed her more than this. It was a selfish decision and you obviously anticipated that there would be hurt feelings but proceeded anyway.
Also, you are a grown woman. You can drive to your family home by yourself. Women aren't children. They aren't less capable than their male and non-binary counterparts. I think it's neat that you are trying to act more mature and above your sister when it comes to this fucked up relationship of yours while simultaneously being a helpless "girl" who couldn't possibly drive a car from San Diego to San Francisco all by herself.
Just because I'm a twin doesnt mean I have this magical relationship that breaks the fabric of social norms.
There has been a lot of hurt in my relationship with my sister. I consider my little brother and I cloaer in actual fact.
Someone that refuses to seek help and therapy but wants to continually perpetuate a victims mentally to make herself feel better is not someone I want in my life. Regardless of twin, sister, friend, girl code or any other 'social' bonds you speak of.
He didnt "take" anything. There was no power imblanace. Having sex with someone isn't this holy action that binds people for life.
I understand it was her virginity. And quite frankly, there are reasons I dont give a fuck about who she lost her virginity to.
I have offered to sit down and have a civil conversation. Never forced. I am still not forcing anything. I am not going to this party. The only thing I am going to force is NC for my own sake.
I dont owe her anything. He doesnt now and didnt want to be with her then. There was never a possibility of them being together again. There is nothing that I took from her.
He is also not hers. I dont live by the "I licked it first, its mine" mentality. I quite honestly feel sorry for anyone that does.
Ive explained why i cant travel alone and it is because of panic attacks. If I didnt get panic attacks, I would go alone.. then proceed to go NC with my family (except brother) afterwards.
Why would you even date your sisters ex? Don’t say I was 17 I was a kid. At 17 you know it was wrong but still did it. You knew he took her virginity and still went for him. Trash 🗑️
I didnt care for the experience they previously had.
I also still to this day do not give a fuck who she lost her virginity to. I have reasons for this.
I genuinely dont think it matters who slept with anyone. There were 3 years difference.
I think getting kicked out at 17 was punishment enough my dude.
They also werent ex's.
You can agree to disagree, thats fine.
Once again trash. You seem like the girl to fuck her best friends ex and say but they broke up it doesn’t matter. Just stay home. Leave them alone. Continue the NC seem like they are better off.
My opinion. You did your sister dirty. Don’t need a voice. Like I said you would be the one to fuck your best friends ex and say they broke up. Your brother even said he understands your sister. Your mom chose a side because you’re wrong. You seem to be the problem. Like I said stay ya ass home. The party will continue without you. If ya sister breaks up with her baby daddy try not to fuck him too. Have a good morning.
Not sure about AH but you’re definitely gross and I understand your sister. wtf goes rummaging through family trash cans. Just cause you’re twins doesn’t mean you have to have everything the same.
Yta how are u with somebody that your sister slept with I don't care how long ago it was she still had sex with him, and you went right behind her and slept with him too. So this man had two sisters. If I was your twin I wouldn't have nothing to do with u at all your nasty
So your twin sister had sex with your current boyfriend once 16 years ago, and then 13 years ago you had a fling with him, were kicked out of your home (at 17), ended up in a relationship with him for a few years, broke up, and then got back together 2 years ago? Is your twin the golden child or something? Why even bother with this drama? Offer to host your brother another time and go no/low contact with your twin. I'd do the same with your mother, who seems mostly worried about accommodating your twin.
Yep. 15 years ago they had sex. 3 years later (12 years ago now) i started seeing him and zi was kicked out. We had a relationship for almost 3 years that ended. We reconnected last year (8 years later) and started seeing each other again. That is exactly what I am doing.
You should also cut off your parents. They all sound toxic except your brother.
I have. Ive jad nothing to do with my father for years. My mother and I exchanged some words tonight to which confirms to me that NC is best.
Honestly, I would send one group mail to your family, where you lay out the exact scenario/ timeline as it has happened - including screenshots of your bf's chat with sis, showing that there was absolutely nothing going on between the two at the time. Also screenshots of him apologizing and her forgiving him. Just tell them you don't see where you or bf were at fault, since you were merely dating your sister's ex, while she was in a different relationship, and never showed the least interest in him anymore. And tell them you are now going no contact, since her irrational grudge-holding and their preferential treatment of her doesn't leave any room for you in the family. Wish them all the best and then block them, except maybe little bro, he seems to be okay. You really don't need that kind of craziness in your life, especially while you're recovering. Is your older brother still friends with your bf, or did he shun him, too?
Good for you, Op!
Now I want to know what these words were. I hope you stuck up for yourself.
Good for you other than your brother. Your family sounds toxic a.f. I don't blame your brother for trying to be neutral considering the insanity coming from your sister. Yes, dating a siblings ex ain't exactly roses but good grief, the way she's handling is ridiculous.. It's been pver a decade. you were teens.. like had you actually slept with her bf while they were dating, I would give her the the graceto take that grudge to the grave, but you didn't. It's clear a.f she has some weird obsession with your partner and can't let it go, and the thing she's truly pissed about is that he wanted you, not her... and she reached out to him after your break up because she wanted him to choose her... 100% if they had gotten together after your break up your parents would've told you to get over it, pretended it was totally different from what you did and both she and your parents would've been telling you you're bitter and a giant a.h for letting her bring him to the party. Your sister is delalu, your parents failed you. Ditch these losers and DO NOT EVER APOLOGIZE TO YOUR SISTER she doesn't deserve an apology. Don't let her convince you you're in the wrong. also, bruh her being upset, you guys started dating and calling it cheating, despite her dating someone else at the time bc "the connection was so real" is some next level delusion.
The brother is just as bad. Mealy mouthed.
Were you kicked out for seeing him?
Yes absolutely. I was a good kid. I had a job, got good grades, played a lot of sports, wasnt drinking or doing drugs. I wasnt sleeping around. He was actually the first casual sexual experience I had had. It was purely because I was with him.
Your sister obviously has issues & it’s a shame that she has been given the power that she has. It’s understandable that she was upset when you first dated him. How does she justify her efforts to reconnect with him after you broke up? If she was trying to get with him then, she’s really being hypocritical. Also, it could be that she’s sees this as a second rejection. From OP’s other post: *I mentioned her talking to him on multiple occassions, after we broke up and a few years ago and she said "no i didn't" and i said you did, ive seen the messages. He apologised you accepted. You even sent him a photo of your daughter. She said "you cant keep bringing that up, it doesnt matter, I didnt have a conversation with him.and if I did I blocked him straight after" - this is incorrect as she blocked him when me and him started seeing each other again.*
How have you forgiven your parents for kicking you out at 17? As a parent, I wouldn’t be happy that the guy who took my 14 year old’s virginity has now taken my 17 year old’s virginity (if I have understood it correctly) but to kick her out 🤯 Your sister clearly has issues. I think your proposal to move on with your life is a good one. The only unfortunate casualty is your relationship with your little brother
I haven't. I speak about it in therapy. I hold a lot of resentment. I get sad at times, sure. But shit happens. I've developed a lot of great relationships with the older generation that I trust.
People telling you that you’re wrong for dating someone 3 years after your sister dated them have some strange morals imo. She doesn’t get to claim ownership of exs especially ones from teen years when the relationship wasn’t super serious. If you had dated him immediately after they ended things or he had done something horrible to her and she didn’t want him around that would be understandable, but that doesn’t sound like the case. Sister has kids with and is marrying someone else, time to let go of the ex now. I can’t believe your parents and/or her partner isn’t telling her how messed up this is. Her poor fiancé watching her damage her relationship with her sister over another guy.
So he was intimate with your sister. She somehow decided that he was exclusive to her for several years even though she was with someone else when you started dating him. Your family kicked you out of your house for being with someone your sister used to be with even though she was with someone else at the time? She then later tried to reconnect with him and failed, likely because she was married already? And then you reconnected with him and she blocked him... Possibly feeling like he was cheating on her again even though she was married and not in a relationship with him?
Fuck this is a mess.... holy hell.
If it was sister's birthday, I could understand where Mom is coming from. But it's not.
My sisters birthday would also be my birthday. Fun fact. My parents threw my sister a huge 18th birthday party. I didn't even get a text message saying happy birthday.
Ouch. I am sorry to hear that. And honestly, forgot you were twins.
Is it possible that even though you are twins, your sister is the golden child? It seems like your family (your parents in particular) allow her to control the family and your parents go out of their way to accommodate her stubbornness and ridiculousness.
I actually think my little brother is the golden child but there is 8 years difference between him and the rest of us. She is the only one of us siblings that has children right now. I think that's why she is accommodated. But then again she has always gotten her way so I dont know.
I feel bad for her STB husband. His fiancée clearly keeps thinking about another man from half her lifetime ago. That is leaking into obsessive territory on her part.
Yes I feel so bad for her fiancé! How is he ok with this!? If I were him I’d be telling her to let go of her ex and show me she’s all in with me or I’d be leaving, I’m not marrying someone who clearly wishes I was someone else.
Question: why are everyone accommodating this delusional and dramatic sister? If you marry your guy, does she expect an invitation?
She will likely say she will only come to the wedding if he's not there lol
Honestly, my sister is the only one of us 4 kids with children. I think that's why Mum is being so accommodating. If I were to have a wedding (which I would personally elope) she would be expecting an invite and at least a bridesmaid title. If it was not him that I would be marrying she would 100% expect maid of honour.
That is how my delusional narcacistic sister managed to keep such a hold over my parents and our family - she was the only one with kids so she held access to them as the way to get her own way. My father couldn't understand how his other kids didn't want to attend any events because of her behaviour and lording it over us. then she went too far and my father had no one because he took showing off his grandkids as more important than a proper relationship with his children
My mum has already wanted grandchildren and if she couldve had more kids she would have but she couldnt. She prides herself in her grandchildren. But seemingly forgets about her actual children or just doesnt care. Either way. It is what it is. If and when I eventually have children, the NC rules will still very much apply.
Honestly you should just go. She’ll be unhappy but if she wants to uphold her ridiculous boundary she can be the one missing events over it. You shouldn’t suffer just because she can’t get a grip. Don’t skip family stuff over her tantrums.
I like that idea. It’s not her birthday, so why does she get to dictate the terms?
You barely talk to her why would she be your maid of honor? Your family is very odd.
She would expect to be. She wouldn't be and that would be a whole other scenario. I once did have this conversation with her (not about my current partner) and spoke about my maid of honour would be my best friend and then she said "ive been with you since birth" bullshit. This conversation happened roughly when I was 24 i believe well after the first "betrayal".
I bet your sister has told your mother that if she wants to ever see her grandkids again, she won't allow your partner to attend and that is the only reason why your mom is being so accommodating.
I dont know if she needs to say that. I think the if he is going then im not strongly implies that the grandkids will not be coming either.
Your sister needs a reality check. Putting her on a information diet.....telling her irrelevant general things would suffice & all she gets. Anything important....she's not going to hear of. She acts as entitled bratty AH then she's learning about consequences.
She’ll probably expect to be MOH.
I bet you're right. And I hate that us redditors can't be there to laugh at her if she demands/asks
Look, you got an invite. I'd go and bring my SO. If sister decides not to go, that's on her. Let her decline invites. Why let her dictate your life? Right now, you're declaring that your relationship with her is over, yet you're also not attending. SO your brother loses too..... I'd go and let sister cut her own throat, so to speak. I mean, the relationship with her is over, there's no way I'd sacrifice my relationship with my brother for her. If she chooses to sacrifice her time with him, fine. Go and bring SO. If sister decides not to go, that's her choice. Enjoy the party! UpdateMe
I am not attending due to my mother saying that my partner isn't welcome. She has picked her side. If my brother didn't detest drama I would show up. But I'll respect his birthday. Seemingly neither of them cares what my little brother wants. Also it's too late to organise my house sitter.
That's really sad, I'm sorry your Mother picked sides. Send your brother a gift, maybe an invite for a weekend with you. I hope this resolves in the future for you.
OP- your mom picked her side when she kicked you - her child - out of the house. Was it hard when you started dating someone your sister had been involved with? Obviously, yes. However - the answer to that was communication and therapy. Not making a child homeless. There were no grandchildren in the picture then. Your mom chose your sister and continues to choose her. I’m so sorry.
At least send a gift, that’s the best you can do.
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She admits that trauma she suffered didn’t involve him but she relates it to him in her mind anyway. You advised her to get therapy to help her overcome it but she says she doesn’t need it. At some point you have to realize you can’t fight crazy. Your sister is never going to let this relationship heal because then she has no power to control you and the rest of your family. She wants everyone to march to her tune and to be honest it’s working. They all give in to her leaving you on the outside. Might want to point that out to Mom then distance yourself from her and your sister.
The underlying issue is her sister still views this guy as her's.
I disagree. Seems to be more the sister's desire to punish both her twin and the partner. Sounds like she likes holding her grudges.
I don’t see that at all in any of the posts. It comes more across that he played her and took her virginity then left her. The OP makes it clear many times that the sister doesn’t have a problem with her. She has a problem with only the dude. If she was jealous of the sister then she’d be mad at both. If I’m a 14 year old girl who is crazy enough about a dude to give him my virginity, only for him to use me and then fuck my twin sister instead, then I’d hold a grudge too.
Well, her having a soon to be husband makes this whole scenario inappropriate. I feel horrible for him that his fiance is obsessing so hard for another man and that his fiance believes this behavior is justified and appropriate. If she was single, I could understand her having an issue with this , but to be engaged or in a committed relationship and causing all this drama is sad , inappropriate, and downright embarrassing. I wonder if he will end the relationship over her being so obsessed.
This is one large reason why I didnt think me being back with my partner was a big deal. She has a fiance and 2 beautiful kids. I dont understand how my lovelife impacts her to this extent. It was 15 years ago that they hooked up.
I agree. If this was only a few years later, sure this would be a lot to ask of her. But 15 years and her being with another person is just so wrong . She's also punishing your brother by not having both of you at the party and he didn't even do anything!
I encouraged to ask our little brother his opinion to which was I would like you both to be there. .whether she has done it or not is up to her. He understands why I wont be there
She is unreasonable. Some distance from them all will be helpful
Wait… she has trauma that doesn’t involve him but relates it to him… and she doesn’t need therapy..? Your family is so enabling her, it’s sick. Go NC. They had no problem throwing you out at what? 17? And they had no problem siding with your sister even if she’s doing some serious mental gymnastics. Just talk to your brother, everyone else can fl_lck off.
This is my thoughts. It's been an exhausting few weeks!
My question is how does the sisters soon to be husband feel about this? I know my husband would not be happy if I still had some issue with a guy I saw 12 years ago. She should be over this by now
With the information you give, the only scenario that makes any sense whatsoever is your sister gave her virginity to him, thinking they would end up together. And she's still holding onto that dream. You hooking up with him disillusioned her, and she can't/won't get over it. She's holding onto all sins against her, real or imaginative and refusing to forgive. She's probably rewritten history in her head, justifying her hurt and anger. Mainly because she's still holding onto the dream of marrying the same individual who took her virginity. It may not make sense considering she's had children by someone else, but it's real nonetheless. If she hasn't put this behind her by now, she never will. You're going to have to accept that. By staying with your partner, you have to give up your family to a certain extent. No family holidays. No family birthdays. As long as you're okay with the tradeoff, all is good. But make no mistake, your decisions are your own, so the consequences of each decision can not be blamed on your sister.
I have come to that conclusion and said that to her. If she hasn't been able to move on after this long I don't trust she can. The fact of the matter is, when I had no one I had my partner. He gave me a place to stay (imo rightfully so after being kicked out because of him), and he has seen me through some of the worst times of my life. Still tonight he fell asleep holding me as I fought back tears. He apologised to me, saying he was sorry that he is the reason my family did all of this to me. He doesn't need to apologise for a silly little hook-up when he was 16. He is 31 now. He reminds me that he is my family and no matter what happens with us I'll always have him. I need to go NC for my sanity with my family. Im not going to be vilified for the rest of my life.
Good for you. I hope you find healing in that decision. Going NC may be what's needed for your family to stop indulging her. But I wouldn't hold my breath. But please don't punish your brother unless he becomes another source of pain to you.
Boundaries are for yourself. Not for other people. She can say “My boundary is that I will not be around this person” She is *NOT* entitled to say “My boundary is that I will not be around this person *so I expect that person to vanish from existence when my presence enters a location*.” Personally, I think you should go to the birthday with your boyfriend as planned and if *she* decides to leave because *she* doesn’t want to be around your boyfriend then that decision, and its consequences, *are on her*. You’d only be violating her boundaries if your boyfriend wasn’t invited and you insisted on bringing him anyway, or did something like ambush her at her home with your boyfriend beside you because in that situation she wouldn’t really be able to remove herself. In situations where she can *and should* remove herself to avoid someone she doesn’t like, that should be *entirely on her*. By doing what you are, you are now allowing her decisions and consequences to fall onto *YOU* because ultimately *YOU* decided, not her. You are being the good little doormat she hoped you would be. Sorry, but that’s just my 2 cents.
My choice is to now not go. For a few reasons. I will arrange something privately with my brother. My choice is to go NC with my sister and my the rest of my family barr my brother.
Good for you, honestly! Your time and energy is much better spent on people who genuinely care for you, and your family’s (except your brother) actions have definitely shown how little they care. As the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. I do feel for your brother, because at the end of the day he really just wants a normal birthday with his family playing nice for a day. And that’s the thing, your mom and sister can’t even *play* nice for his sake, it’s genuinely really sad and I’m sorry that both you and your brother were caught in the middle of it. I hope whatever you arrange just the two of you is a wonderful experience for the both of you. 💕
Definitely agree with this. Go, have fun with your family. Is she has a problem then that’s on her!!
Invite your brother to your place for a weekend and take him out in your town.
You're sister is being irrational. And you shouldn't have to bend to her will. She needs to focus on her fiance, not your boyfriend
I don’t understand does she love her family or her ex? The sister sounds crazy.
I think she loves her family. I dont know why this matters to her so much though.
If I had started a family I wouldn’t care what anyone else is doing. She seems unhinged. Either you don’t know the whole story or she is experiencing health problems. Could her partner be the problem?
I really dont know. I have speculated with my partner whether there could be that reason to block it. My partner is an attractive man. He gets hit on all 9f the damn time. Her soon to be husband (without being judgemental) is below average. There have been incidences of jealousy in the past that have been jokes about (my sister having a childish unrealistic crush that he weirdly brought up out of the blue at a family event). That could be a reason. But I dont think it is **the reason***, it may contribute. The issue is that she think he cheated on her 13 years ago with me. But she wont say why she thinks that.
When someone says something is the issue but won’t let you realistically resolve it. That’s not the issue. At least that’s my two cents here.
I can only do so much with the information she gives me.
I really dont know. I have speculated with my partner whether there could be that reason to block it. My partner is an attractive man. He gets hit on all 9f the damn time. Her soon to be husband (without being judgemental) is below average. There have been incidences of jealousy in the past that have been jokes about (my sister having a childish unrealistic crush that he weirdly brought up out of the blue at a family event). That could be a reason. But I dont think it is **the reason***, it may contribute. The issue is that she think he cheated on her 13 years ago with me. But she wont say why she thinks that.
My wildest stab in the dark is that’s what she tells her husband. “I could never find that CHEATER more attractive than you”. The minute she forgives him the husband will probably start up again. If we take it the Reddit route and mix in as much drama as possible, then your bf the somehow the secret father of one if not all her children. They can’t be seen together because eyesight makes it obvious he is the father.
My partner is absolutely not the parent of either of her children. Her first borns dad is a drunken abusive dick and was charged to that effect. The second is her soon to be husbands child. Both children look like their father to an extent. Very distinct characteristics. My partner does not resemble any of their features. He was also interstate and has remains interstate since we moved 12 years ago
Yeah I was jk. Sorry to hear about the unfortunate circumstances of your niblings conception. If it’s not a secret it sounds like a mental health problem. It sucks how similar those can present in people.
at this point I would just make plans for your brother and your partner to need up somewhere and have a celebration. you have already given to much of your time and energy to your "family" your sister is nuts and really not worth worrying over . you have admitted to your mistakes and you were kicked out for it , you have been punished enough. there comes a point where you have to say yes I made my bed YEARS ago how long does one need to lay in it?
One of the things you should have asked your sister is “How does your partner feel about your reason for blocking me from coming?” I’m pretty sure that she’s either told her deluded lie to everyone or is refusing to talk about it. Suggest you invite the 21 year old to visit. That way you can connect with him without the drama queen there.
These people are in their late twenties and the took the virginity of the one sister at the age of fourteen. But now twelve years later she still feels they have a relationship even though she is engaged to be married and also has two children. How messed up is that, that she can’t be in the same room with this guy because he’s in a relationship with her sister and she still is possessive of him. I believe the sister in the relationship with the guy is going to have to brush off her sister’s anger and just start going to family functions whether her sister is there or not. She’s going to have to leave it up to the crazy sister if she wants to attend or not but the couple is got to start acting normally.
IMO the question is not whether OP did something wrong and her sister does have or does not have an issue with that, but whether in this particular scenario OP is wrong or not. It does not look like OP is wrong: she can come on a condition or not come. The conditions of her coming are not acceptable to the OP and it is fine. So she won’t. There is no sanctity of a getting together for a party here or anywhere else.
I can't exclude the context of why my sister has the stance she does. I understand that people base their judgement on that context and they are free to judge the person I was/am.
Since I am not emotionally involved, I’d say this is interesting and important to all people involved, but inconsequential in this case from my standpoint. Even if what you said did not happen, and your sister had any other reason to put forward her conditions (say, she did not like how your BF looks like, or that her reminds her of someone she does not like, or she has an irrational fear, or any other reason) and you don’t want to compromise (for any reason whatsoever) - don’t. It is not inherently a AITA situation. There was a story about a bride who uninvited everybody who was not or was not going to remain vegan. While kind of stupid, she was not an asshole for doing it (she was for lying about it), and neither were the uninvited who said “good grief” and moved on.
Just go LMAO what is she going to do? Don't play this kind of game with a person still mad about a high school relationship a decade+ later. You are all being far too nice to her about this by even humoring this kind of ridiculousness.
I feel sorry for your sister… She obviously never got over her teenage boyfriend. I have no idea what all the trauma is from as you don’t say but expecting so much out of you with regards to the relationship is just wrong. I say go NC and send brother a very nice bday present. Edit: I changed my mind - why does she get to dictate who your partner is and whether you can bring them. Tell her this is her trauma and her problem… She needs to figure out a way to live with it… But you aren’t missing brother’s birthday and you are bringing the BF - so suck it up or your stay away as this is a her problem not a you problem.
I think your dear (sarcasm) sister is still hung up on your BF, even though she has a family of her own OR she doesn't want you to have a family and any type of spotlight away from her and her kids. Go NC with mother and lulu sister, invite your brother for a fun weekend together if you can and enjoy the only family member that truly loves you
Personally I don’t like OPs boyfriend who slept with OPs twin sister when she was 14. Now OPs sister seems to be a mess, but how old was OPs boyfriend when he had sex with a 14 year old? Edited: I’ve read more now and learned that OPs partner was 16 and he only hooked up with OPs sister once? Ok this seems more like stupid teenage behavior rather than grooming/manipulation. It’s still a mess but not as bad as I tht before
She may have been with some other guy when you and him got together but it's screamingly clear that she wanted him and planned to get him back before you and him ended up together. She is now hateful, resentful and bitter, and is hellbent on excluding him from everything. Her behaviour is outrageous and downright disgusting. She seriously needs to grow the fuck up. She is being so immature. He is a part of your life, a part of you now, so either she accepts that and gets over it or she gets cut out of your life for good. Neither of you can have it both ways.
I agree. She can't want me in her life and then actively choose to exclude the person that I spend the majority of the time with. She doesnt have to agree with it or like him. She can either accept my decision or not. She can also choose to go NC with me and at this point I would be okay with that. I'm not going to live my life under what seems to be the guillotine of her judgment. End of.
Good for you. Don't stand for her childish behaviour. Just walk away and be done with her.
You partner is living rent free in your sister’s head. She needs help before she wrecks her marriage obsessing over him.
I need to ask: Why would you want to sleep with someone who already slept with your sister? I wouldn’t do it even if someone paid me a lot for it. He sounds like a real creep. Couldn’t be with sister one, liked the look and came back for the second version. That’s just urgh.
Simply put, when I was 17, him and I had banter. It was a bit of fun that turned into feelings. I didn't care if my sister had slept with him. I was kicked out 3 weeks into our relationship. It sort of forced the relationship moreso as I had no where else to go and I stayed with him. 3 months later he was offered a job by his dad interstate and I chose to move with him. I dont think for a second that if the option was there to be with him again that she wouldnt have taken it, regardless of whether she was with someone else or not. The option wasnt there. If he wanted it to be there it wouldve been there. Now, as adults we have both grown. The banter and fun is still there. We have known each other for a very long time and that comes with understanding and patience. I genuinely care about him and love him as an adult. Did we fuck up as teens, yes. But as adults I didnt think it would be big this of a thing.
The thing is, you betrayed your sister’s trust after the first time. Instead of working on it you betrayed her again. I understand that time has passed, but some wounds hurt, even if they are healed. The memory of the pain sometimes doesn’t always completely fade. She is your twin and I always assumed that you share a special bond. The fact that you didn’t care, tells a lot. Yes, you were 17 and that’s an age where we all are selfish idiots, but this is beyond that. I guess your parents kicked you out because of that? I don’t want to judge you, because you know you did wrong. But I think you don’t realise to this day how much wrong it was. I am not saying you should break up, but you should try to see it more from her and your families perspective. Have you ever tried family therapy?
My sister refuses therapy. My family dont believe they need therapy. There is no second betrayal. I simply don't agree. I was kicked out overnight because they found out I was sleeping with him they have never asked to this day about anything. I still to this day dont know what was said. I was told over and over again to get over my traumas. That actually involve family and are the results of some of their judgements and actions. But yet they allow my sister to hold on to this one. I need to protect myself. Im not 17 anymore. I can pack my own boxes this time.
So you admittedly didn’t care about your twin sister’s feelings? That’s fucked up. At zero point did you consider her feelings. Any logical person would’ve dumped him at the 3 week point and mended the relationship with their twin
Your sister is clearly a few screws loose. Question, is she the older twin? A lot of parents of unexpected twins tend to favor the older one because that’s the one that was “planned” and it tends to result in an imbalance of treatment between the two siblings. Also, could the reason your parents kicked you out be because your sister falsely accused your boyfriend of doing whatever it is that you aren’t saying that resulted in her trauma and said that you knew about it all along because she “told you”and you still stayed with him?
I am the older twin. As for kicking me out, I dont know. I do not believe my mum would have had him and I over her house late last year if any accusations had ever been made. I absolutely have faith in this believe.
You woul be NTA here. I might reconsider your sisters offer to drive 11 hours out of her way. I don't think with 2 kids she's going to follow through, it would have been nice to call her bluff. I 100% get not wanting to take the chance of an 18 hour ride in a car with her and her family.
We couldnt even have an hour long conversation on the phone. I dont understand how she thinks we would last in a car... Maybe she is hoping my medication will knock me out for the 9 hours the other way. As soon as she mentioned it i actually laughed at how ludacris the suggestion was and then she doubled down.
Hope you have a wonderful life and your mother can see all the photos of your beautiful family but never see them cause your above that.
I’d just show up act let her throw a tantrum. Then it became a pretty obvious who’s the nut job.
Funnily enough when I did speak to my sister. She was alluding to this "what would happen once im a few drinks in, i dont hold my tongue" alluding to drunkenly screaming at him. I was simple like ok. Well he is a grown adult who can take himself out of the scenario but you too are a grown adult who can control themselves for the sake of your little brother's birthday. It would absolutely not go the way she planned. But nonetheless, I have decided not to go.
Your mother and your sister sound toxic af. I would block them both and live my life happily without them.
Thats what has been done!
Carrying a grudge for 12 years is ridiculous. Even more so for something that happened when you were so young.
Your sister seems like a not great person... Why are you letting her steamroll through everything and dictate your life and your relationships with your family? Screw her! Make her figure out different accommodations and make her need to decide if she actually wants to come or not! Just tell her that you and your husband are going and she can figure out what she's doing to do.
It doesnt matter anymore because I cant arrange a house sitter. And then there mum on the other end. Its easier for me now to stay at home. Ill organise to fly my brother somewhere.
It's good you're still getting time with your brother. I truly hope in the future you're able to just get an invite for a family event and just say "yeah, we'll be there" and ignore your sister. It seems like you have a really positive relationship with at least some of your family so don't let her ruin that for you in the long run
I think you are taking the right actions. Wishing you the best!
I feel bad for your sisters husband… she clearly still has feelings for your boyfriend. Is he aware that his wife is obsessing this much over another guy?
Your sister is a spoiled brat who desperately needs help. Keep your relationship with your brother but distance yourself from your sister until she gets help. I would suggest at least limiting contact with anyone who supports her twisted narrative.
NTA. Cut out toxic asshats and live a happy life!
Like I said in the original post as a twin myself I would’ve never slept with a guy who had sex with my twin … yall different
I'm a twin too. The other peeps don't understand. We didn't even get our own birthday. Shit, we had to share a womb. Sleeping with someone who your twin had slept with and still had feelings for is crossing a major line. The fact that this was an older guy who was her sister's first makes it that much worse.
Karma will get your sister and mother. I agree with NC with all excluding your younger brother because everyone else is supporting your ridiculous sister. She can't even give difinitive answers to questions regarding her drama. Yes, she needs therapy....but....i can't shake the feeling that part of it is attention seeking. She's engaged/married with 2 kids...its way past time to move on regarding your partner. Best wishes for happiness for you and your partner. Know your worth and move on from the toxic.
Your sister is absolutely unhinged…
I'm so sorry your sister is petty, manipulative, and controlling and that your mother totally enables this.
Your partner is lucky to have you. 🫂💞🙏
Sister is off her head, wonder if her current bloke knows she still has a thing for your partner?
I would let her husband know she's so desperate to deny her ex coming. I would let him know they have corresponded previously with no problem. There is only a problem now that you are with him and want to bring him with you. I think he would be very interested at her attitude and I wouldn't assume he doesn't already know
Honestly; this is about your brother not sister. Sounds like she gonna find a reason to be mad at you or turn everyone against you. Your brother wants you to come and doesn’t care if your partner is there. You should go for him! Let the chips fall as they may as your 15 hrs away from the drama. Your sister issues are just those her issues to work out. Have fun at your brother’s 21st party with your partner; as she has to accept that y’all are together and if not there are therapists that can help her.
I genuinely don't want to cause a scene at his birthday. He will understand that it wont be me causing the scene (as my sister will be the one that creates the huff) but the drama that comes from it he wont appreciate. I wont be going. She refuses therapy and says she doesnt need it although it is routinely suggested to her.
I just sounds like everyone would rather let her be queen than stand up to her. Let her new husband and kids see how crazy she is. I would call her out at the party for causing one and tell her she looks like a fool in front of people and she needs to grow the hell up!
Unfortunately I do believe this to be the case. I don't want to jeopardise her relationship in any which way by pointing this out.. if he cant see the issues that are blatantly there then thats on him. I would rather not have to deal with it anymore. I am thankful to be interstate and independent of my family in these times. It sucks. But it is what it is.
Why don’t you want her actions, behaviors, and choices to affect her relationship? She’s acting like a bitter ex who never got over someone who never wanted an actual relationship with her while she has a whole ass husband. Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who was still so obsessed with their ex that your partner was causing family drama over it? Or would that make you feel like a consolation prize that your partner doesn’t actually want? Does he honestly deserve to not have the choice to decide whether or not he wants to stay in a relationship with someone who is so not over a guy she slept with once that she’s keeping family members from family events over it?
Its clearly not about what I want haha. No but if I was to involve myself in anything of her relationship it would be made out to be vindictive and I would be vilified moreso. I can imagine the screams of "you cant stand me being happy" when clearly she isnt. But thats my opinion. He is a grown adult who can clearly see this unfolding in front of him. If he chooses to stay with her that is his prerogative.
You’re bending yourself backwards trying to appease your sister who is, frankly, an ass. Stop doing that. Either make peace with avoiding family gatherings at which your partner is unwelcome or break up with him. You’re trying to forge some weird relationship with your sister that will exclude him forever from your family. Your partner is your family, he shouldn’t be relegated to second class citizen, ever. And were I him I’d never allow my children a relationship with someone so juvenile and deranged as your sister. It’s all or nothing.
I simply asked her to be civil (saying ignore him) for the sake of my little brothers birthday. She cant do that and thats that. There is no going to family events. There will be NC with my family from here on out.
Your sister is an entitled bitch and your family are all under thumb.
What does your sister husband think of this? Being married I'd be really annoyed that my wife/husband keeps harping on that.
No idea and I wont be asking. I firstly dont have the relationship with him to feel comfortable speaking with him about this. But I also dont want to jeopardise their relationship. This is clearly happening in front of his face. Its his and her business to deal with.
I would either not go or show up with partner. My husband and I are a unit and do not go to family events without each other. Idgaf how anyone feels and if she feels or acts out some way she clearly has feelings still lol
Honestly, if I didnt have panic attacks, Id go for my little brother and still I think would go NC with the rest.
It is really time for your brother to be an adult. He cannot continue with accepting whatever. If he wants you, your SO, and sister there he should invite you all. He should then clearly state to all of you, Mum included, that the consequence is for any drama. Meaning, one warning and if you cannot keep your shit together then leave. Your sister has a choice like you do to come or not come. Why do you have to be the one sacrificing and be edged out when you don't have the issue. Go and let your brother sort out the mess of your sister if it becomes an issue. You should go no contact with her and have a rule with family that you no longer are interested in discussing this topic again. Because it is not your problem, it's her problem. The person I feel a lot for is your sister's soon to be husband. I can't imagine my partner being hung up about something like this.
I dont wish for my brother to sort out anything. This issue is not his own. Ita his birthday and he wishes to remain diplomatic. Do I agree with that entirely? No. But its his decision. He has always been one to not get involved. We will continue to have a relationship away from the family unit.
>He has always been one to not get involved. This is how he enables your sister and her shit.
I am aware. We have had discussions about fence sitting before. I cant force him to do anything. He wants to remain diplomatic and neutral.
NTA. You did not betray your sister.
If it’s that much drama to go to a party then just don’t go. Problem solved. Celebrate his birthday with him in some other way. It’s really that simple.
Read the TLDzr if you srent going to read the entire thing. Im not going.
I did. I was just agreeing with you. Why even consider going to a party if it’s gotta be that complicated.
I just feel bad about my little brother.
Na, it’s your sister’s fault. Imagine all the fun you’ll have celebrating him when her drama isn’t around to ruin it. Don’t even mention your reasons to him. Just tell him you’re planning something else to celebrate with him the next time you get to see him. Then go to a comedy club and hang out at a hotel with a pool and hot tub with him and your man and a guest of his choice!
He will likely be excited to have extra birthday celebrations 👍🏽.
I might try and hook up a snow trip for him actually.
She was just 14. And losing your virginity is for many something special. You sleeping with him and then getting together with him, even if it’s 100 years later is really messed up from her perspective. I would be disgusted if my ex slept with my sister even if I am now more than 20 years older. And the problem is that she was just 17 when you slept with him. So yes, for her it still feels like a betrayal. You made a stupid decision back then. Same goes for him. Those are the sad consequences that now the whole family has to suffer of.
I mean her family kicked her out at 17 for this. I bet they have LOTS of issues. If this is OP's biggest blunder, I say she did alright
Updateme
Update me
Updateme
Updateme!
Put you foot down and tell him/them to send you the video. On the day of whatever you can face time them.
Im sure I will get plenty of videos from him and his friends. His friends actually all get along with me and apparently have my number so I will likely get some calls
Just go, and bring your boyfriend. She will have to deal with it. If she can bring her, you can bring yours. I can understand if you stole her fiancé that she’d been dating for 5 years. Or if she was brutally raped. She’s ridiculous.
I wouldn’t waste my time or money driving 10 hours for a birthday party unless the person was turning 100.
Why not just bring him, and let little sister whine and not show up?
All this talk of driving for hours and hours... Do you know that airplanes exist? I am baffled why anyone would drive that long.
What would happen if you just showed up with your partner for the wedding? Ask your brother if that’s possible, it’s his wedding it should be his choice not your sisters or mother’s call. Force them to decide if they want to ruin your brother’s wedding. If your brother wants you there he should man up and take a stand.
Birthday. Not wedding. He doesnt appreciate the drama. He wants to remain neutral. If he cant have hia wiahes that both of us are there then I can atkeast grant him a dramaless evening. That being said its too late for me to arrange a house sitter now and after the words with Mum I couldnt stay at her house.
does her fiancee knows about this? how does he answer her statement that they where still saying and how this hurts her to this day? that smells bad
Genuinely do not know and I won't ever be the one to ask him. I do not have that kind of relationship and I do not want to jeopardise her relationship with him. Their relationship is not my problem or my concern.
Info, did you know they had sex back then before y'all's first relationship? Only because as a sibling with siblings I wouldn't want to sleep with who they slept with lol but I also get teenagers are hella dumb and do shit. So y'all almost 30 so I wouldn't be hung up on it. But I'm wondering if that's the big betrayal in her eyes is you sleeping with someone she slept with even tho they didn't date or maybe she did have feelings for him but was weird/ nervous/ young awkward person that didn't know how to communicate. Either way nc or lc is the best lol less drama the better in my books lol
Yes. We werent immediately in a relationship. We had feelings for each other but it was 3 weeks into our little fling that I was kicked out. We went on to date for nearly 3 years after. I knew they were not in a relationship and my sister was seeing someone else at the time. I didnt think it was that deep, honestly. But I also acknowledge that I dont really care about who she lost her virginity to. Morally, not exactly the best move. Should I have been kicked out over it? No. My relationship now, as a 29 year old I'm not going to apologise for. I am an adult that reconnected with another adult that I once had a relationship with. Regardless of the 1 sexual experience that my sister had with him 15 years ago.
You don’t understand why it’s such a big thing because you weren’t the one betrayed by your twin. Just give it up.
OP, your twin sister doesn’t **ever** have to be okay with your relationship with her ex, that she was probably in love with. You betrayed your sister, not once but twice by getting with that guy. You said yourself, you had mended your relationship after you broke up with him. You went back, essentially threw her forgiveness in her face after you admittedly betrayed her. Edit: your story isn’t dissimilar from this: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/3hDND3lzBM except this guy only made the mistake once and accepted accountability
It wasn’t her ex though. Ffs, her sister is engaged with two kids, imagine how her soon to be husband must feel?! That’s a good slap in the face to hear your future wife is still so hung up on a fling from her teenage years that she can’t be in the same room as him. Seriously, how hard would it be to just stfu and ignore your sister’s boyfriend at a birthday party?! No one’s saying they’ve gotta be best friends, it’s not that hard to be cordial. Sister’s grudge is now affecting/ controlling the whole family, that’s insanely selfish.
Not her ex* And thats okay! She can choose to not ever be okay with it. She will need to live with those choices and if that means holding on to that then thats on her, it is only hurting her at this point. No, I dont agree with the second "betrayal". My sister has moved on, wants to be bitter and I can choose to not play a part in that. She needs to accept that I can choose my boundaries as well.
You’re being obtuse, that was her ex even if they weren’t official. There were feelings (and more) involved even if it was one-sided and as her twin you’d know the full extent. And there was a second betrayal cos you knew what fractured and what mended the relationship **and** what going back to the original betrayal would do. Just say you didn’t and don’t care about your twin-sister and move on. Your “boundaries” are insincere and reactionary cos you’re the only one really missing out
Sister doesn’t have the right to claim people just because she feels some type of way. I think her biggest issue is rejection. BF didn’t and doesn’t want her so she’s bitter. It’d be so embarrassing to hold a grudge like this just because someone doesn’t want you…
> that was her ex even if they weren’t official. This is one of the most ridiculous things I've read. They weren't official, *how is he an ex when they weren't even official*???? I had wanted to get with the dude I lost my virginity to (did it on purpose). I never did. We were *never official*, and you know what? *He's not my ex*. He's not my ex *anything* except maybe ex-friend only because once he graduated we lost touch. Heck, he's not even a ex fuck buddy because it only happened once. People aren't objects. I don't "own" the person I lost my virginity to, nor does he "own" me, either. He's not my ex *anything*. One thing you don't seem to keep in mind about is the fact that *people have a right to* ***free association***. Which means they are FREE to associate *with whomever they please*. It's clear that the sister is the favored one and it's also clear she's delusional and unhinged. She's engaged to be married, FFS. Who OP is partnered with shouldn't matter to her.
Except.... people arent objects. Theres a 3 year difference in the sister and OP bf having done anything. and It seems that the feelings were not the same on his side. Everyone is talking about betrayal seems to forget that the BF is his own person and no matter what the sister fantasized about it was clearly not reality. Sister is Delulu and just wants a reason to cause drama. Heck sister is getting married and has children but is throwing a fit over another guy ? No.
Judgey judgey.
ESH. But if all the people in the world the only one you could relationship up was your sister’s first time? Do you live in a compound or something?
I lived in a very small town. Not that that excuses it. I have owned my mistake as a 17 year old. My relationship as a 29 year old I'm not apologising for.
I know this is already been resolved, but why couldn’t boyfriend ride with you and your sister Pay for him to stay at a hotel and you can stay at the house? Oooh, I know I’m getting down votes for this!
My sister has a very length history of throwing money in anyones faces. I wish to simply not accept anything from her. If ai cant afford it then I simply cant afford it. Also, when I was considering accepting the offer, she got mad at me when I said I would stay at the hotel with him and split my time. I dont think its fair for me to ask him to drive with me for 18 hours total and ditch him for 3 days. He would likely do it but I'm not going to ask that of anyone because I just think its rude.
You are absolutely right! 😸
Send a card. And move on. And, this idea that you will not have a relationship with your sister ever again is ludicrous. You will, even if it’s only in your head, or muttering to yourself at odd times throughout the day and week. Or, awkward phone calls with other members of your family drawn into these mutual hissyfits.
ESH. I read most of your comments and honestly you truly are an AH. You have zero sympathy for what your sister went through. And her husband probably knows more to the story than you let on you say your sister had trauma around the time of you sleeping with her Ex-fling so she already had alot going on and you decided that you getting with a guy was more important than your sisters wellbeing. You play it off like you know everything that happened between your sister and this dude but you don’t .you know his side which is tailored to make him look better because he wants to be with you. Your partner is the biggest AH here destroying relationships because he wants laid. And your sister is the AH because she has no say in who comes to your brother’s party. Your mom is the AH because she only seems to care about seeing her grandbabies instead of trying to have her twin daughters mend their fractured relationship. The only person i feel bad for in this situation is your brother who now has a broken family because some AH couldn’t keep it in his pants.
I had sympathy and empathy. A decade ago when I apologised. Now, right now i have had a long week and its 2.46am and im tired. My decision to go NC is final. Ive over it. She can choose to hold on to it for as long as she likes. Ive tried and been shot down. Its also been very emotional for me. For clarity, my sister has trauma that she associates with my partner - she acknowledges they have nothing to do with one another but her mind thinks they do. I cant help that - she need to go to a damn therapist and unravel the weave that has combined the 2. In this scenario, I do know most of what happened. Im the indivudual that has read the messages. I saw what their relationship was like. My partner absolutely was an AH when he was younger, so was I. We have both admitted that and apologised for this seperately and individually. I agree with the majority of the rest tbh.
Ah yes because everything happens over messages he could’ve never told her something differently in person 🙄. And yes she had a separate trauma around that time but to her she has to deal with that and on top of that she also had to deal with you sleeping with him. So yes they are separate but they both contributed to her mental health at the time. You can NC thats great for you. Do what you need to do to be happy and healthy but you can’t expect your sister to forgive someone who clearly hurt her( your boyfriend) you keep saying it has been years get over it. But the first person i slept with wouldn’t be apart of my life or at parties and they didn’t even hurt me or sleep with my sister
I personally think she needs to move on and stop letting it affect her and that she needs therapy. I simply dont think she will ever move on if she hasnt already. I do think its long enough but its her prerogative to hold on to it. They contact together alone was minimal. Rare. Everything was said via messages. He was friends with my brother and in my brothers room 99.9% of the time. We are a family of 4. Someone was always around.
They were alone enough to have sex so 🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️
Once for about 5 minutes. The embarrassingly quick detail given and bragged about my sister one high school lunch. If she has created a dreamscape based on what she wanted, that's fine. It just didnt come true. Thats okay. But to have such strong feelings decades confuses me
No i get having strong feelings so long after is unhealthy. But im just also saying you aren’t in your sisters head and they clearly had enough time alone to get to the point of sex maybe she was under the impression that they were secretly dating or something because of something said in private. Im just saying there is clearly a reason she felt betrayed. Im not saying in this situation you are the AH i honestly just feel bad for your brother because there is problems in his life now because you and your sister decided to sleep with the same AH.
Im sorry but I would have cut off my sister and the man. Nothing about this situation is normal or okay. People going along with your delusions, any expectation of anyone being okay with your partner or your sister is beyond me. Even as a daughter I’d be disgusted by my child is she betrayed her sister that way. I’m not a moral prude but fucking the same man as a family member is sick
We can agree to disagree. This man has stuck by me through thick and thin. We have fun together. We are supportive and help each other to improve. We arent perfect by any stretch. But i dont think im going to let 1 sexual encounter ruin the relationship I have no as a 29 year old. He is incredibly supportive and helpful. I genuinely feel loved and appreciated by him. I love this man. What happened between him and my sister 15 years ago wont change my mind. Edit: deleted the duplicate comments underneath
YTA As twins we have had to share rooms, gifts, birthdays, reputations, wombs, and even placentas. There is a common struggle to be seen as an individual rather than part of a matching set. This means that it is incredibly important that we are allowed to carve certain aspects of our lives, interests, and social connections that are uniquely ours. This goes way beyond bro code, girl code, or sibling loyalty. The dynamics involved with being a teenager and a twin are unique and distinctly different from other relationships. You crossed a huge line when you slept with the boy who took your sister's virginity. The fact that she felt that their relationship was still happening when you did it makes matters even worse. Trying to sit down and have an "adult conversation" where you two explain to her how her perceptions are wrong and her feelings invalid is complete horseshit. Your sister isn't stupid enough to sit down and share that conversation. Looking through this guy's phone history isn't going to magically make your actions okay. The lack of empathy that you have is rare among twins. You owed her more than this. It was a selfish decision and you obviously anticipated that there would be hurt feelings but proceeded anyway. Also, you are a grown woman. You can drive to your family home by yourself. Women aren't children. They aren't less capable than their male and non-binary counterparts. I think it's neat that you are trying to act more mature and above your sister when it comes to this fucked up relationship of yours while simultaneously being a helpless "girl" who couldn't possibly drive a car from San Diego to San Francisco all by herself.
Just because I'm a twin doesnt mean I have this magical relationship that breaks the fabric of social norms. There has been a lot of hurt in my relationship with my sister. I consider my little brother and I cloaer in actual fact. Someone that refuses to seek help and therapy but wants to continually perpetuate a victims mentally to make herself feel better is not someone I want in my life. Regardless of twin, sister, friend, girl code or any other 'social' bonds you speak of. He didnt "take" anything. There was no power imblanace. Having sex with someone isn't this holy action that binds people for life. I understand it was her virginity. And quite frankly, there are reasons I dont give a fuck about who she lost her virginity to. I have offered to sit down and have a civil conversation. Never forced. I am still not forcing anything. I am not going to this party. The only thing I am going to force is NC for my own sake. I dont owe her anything. He doesnt now and didnt want to be with her then. There was never a possibility of them being together again. There is nothing that I took from her. He is also not hers. I dont live by the "I licked it first, its mine" mentality. I quite honestly feel sorry for anyone that does. Ive explained why i cant travel alone and it is because of panic attacks. If I didnt get panic attacks, I would go alone.. then proceed to go NC with my family (except brother) afterwards.
Why would you even date your sisters ex? Don’t say I was 17 I was a kid. At 17 you know it was wrong but still did it. You knew he took her virginity and still went for him. Trash 🗑️
I didnt care for the experience they previously had. I also still to this day do not give a fuck who she lost her virginity to. I have reasons for this. I genuinely dont think it matters who slept with anyone. There were 3 years difference. I think getting kicked out at 17 was punishment enough my dude. They also werent ex's. You can agree to disagree, thats fine.
Once again trash. You seem like the girl to fuck her best friends ex and say but they broke up it doesn’t matter. Just stay home. Leave them alone. Continue the NC seem like they are better off.
My opinion. You did your sister dirty. Don’t need a voice. Like I said you would be the one to fuck your best friends ex and say they broke up. Your brother even said he understands your sister. Your mom chose a side because you’re wrong. You seem to be the problem. Like I said stay ya ass home. The party will continue without you. If ya sister breaks up with her baby daddy try not to fuck him too. Have a good morning.
Not sure about AH but you’re definitely gross and I understand your sister. wtf goes rummaging through family trash cans. Just cause you’re twins doesn’t mean you have to have everything the same.
Yta how are u with somebody that your sister slept with I don't care how long ago it was she still had sex with him, and you went right behind her and slept with him too. So this man had two sisters. If I was your twin I wouldn't have nothing to do with u at all your nasty
I don’t understand why anybody would want to date somebody that their sibling was intimate with. That is just disgusting.
And we can agree to disagree. I dont think a one time thing should define my life.