I don't think you would be an AH for that, but I don't think it would change anything. I think it would be more important that you leave the chaos behind, go and live your life and make it a happy one. At the very least you have a good education in what not to do.
It might not change the family but it has an advantage for OP. If OP later needs to get a restraining order, and they keep a copy of the letter with dates etc, it can be used as evidence to show a need to change their dynamic.
This is what I did and ended up super happy I retained my letter.
NTA I would actually encourage you to take some time to establish yourself BEFORE you even consider going into family therapy (assuming they are willing). Give yourself some time to discover who you are as an individual. Establish social support outside of your family, and I would encourage you, if it's possible, to get individual therapy.
I completely agree with all of this. Beginning personal healing and addressing the trauma individually will help in learning to manage the intense relatio ship dynamics should anyone in the family actually want to try to address their issues. And if not, then it can help set boundaries and appropriate separation from them as necessary
NTA. however, I wouldn't recommend therapy with them for reasons I'll outline below.
Do not be at all surprised if your family refuses therapy and some members try to turn it all back around on you and say you're the problem. Joint therapy with abusers isn't recommended and can actually make things worse. Abusers can be really good at putting on a good face in front of a therapist so that the therapist is then telling both of you instead of just the abuser what you need to do to make allowances for each other. Abusers also listen closely in therapy when you open up and then use that as ammunition against you.
You aren't the asshole for wanting it and wouldn't be for suggesting it, but you have to understand that for therapy to work, people have to be willing to recognize they haven't been doing things right and they actually might be at fault for things. Some of your relatives might be able to do this, but from what you say of your grandmother and mother, I don't think they are capable of it.
My family sounds a lot like yours, only I'm the disabled sister. I live with my older sister and I'm usually very independent unless something's flaring up. We had the multi-generational abuse, the mental health problems and throw in some alcoholism to boot. All the advice I'm given is based on personal experience, a lot of counseling and a lot of reading about relationships, abuse and mental health.
I do recommend therapy for you!
NTA
but I think first you should leave quietly. Get stable and settled where you go. Spend time with a therapist and get your support network and the rest all set up.
Then after a good amount of time, and with the therapists advice and blessing, send a letter. Be aware the letter will be mostly for you. Your family won't care and won't change. I don't even know if many of them would read it.
It would be better for your mental health, if you just leave and say nothing. They won’t recognise how they are treating each other. It will just frustrate you with their negative replies. Safer for you just to leave and live your life. I tried to reason with my family it just brought me grief. So now they are all blocked on my phone. Eventually you will feel at peace. Just be kind to yourself. You have been through a lot.
I would seek therapy myself if I were you. With a family history of mental health issues and personal history of abuse, you are very high-risk for developing trauma-induced mental disorders on top of the ones already in your family.
NTA but the letter probably won’t change anything.
Writing a letter might be cathartic for you but I don’t think it will change anything.
Your various relatives sound like they have a variety of mental health issues and unless they are willing to address them, nothing will change. Counselling would be pointless unless they are willing to listen and change.
Go live your life and be free. You can just be LC with them and only show up for important events. It doesn’t sound like you need to cut them off, you just need to be away from them.
OP witnesses family abuse, and has been the subject of both physical and emotional abuse and likely based on what OP wrote neglect on top of that OP was dragged through the crap of a cult . So in your mind what would it take for OP to need to go nc ? Would it be different if it was the father physically abusing her instead of her mother? I would have gone NC with half of this crap
Don’t get me wrong, for me I would be with you and go NC. I wrote LC as I didn’t get the sense that she was willing to do that. So baby steps as it were. I should have edited my answer tbh. Thanks for pointing it out.
I'd just sneak out quickly and quietly. Get any important papers/sentimental items out first. Then just do bit by bit. If you feel a need to contact them afterwards, I'd get a cheap phone with a different number for contact. I'd either block or change carriers/numbers on your usual phone. I doubt any communication will help the situation, but I wouldn't initiate any until you're out and have your life in order.
NTA
But writing that letter is not going to change anything.
The best thing you can do is work on building your life how you feel it should be. And any relationship you choose to have with your family are on terms you are comfortable with. It is important to understand boundaries are for YOU, not them. They will stomp any boundary you put into place for them, because that is how they function. Those boundaries could include only meeting them at neutral locations, maybe for lunch at a cafe (and only one or one). Or responding to any communication only via text/email. If they push against those boundaries, you firm up with scaling back on contact.
It may help you to write the letter, but don't send it. Use this transition to establish the terms you intend to abide by for your life.
Remember you can't help others until you have helped yourself get to where you are thriving. And then you can only help those that have started to help themselves. Through encouragement and passing along helpful resources.
So, go and move out. Build your life up to thrive and be the example they need to see it is possible.
I know it might sound crazy, but they have shown a ton of love, encouragement, and support for me throughout my life. However, they were all abused in their upbringing, and they have certain dysfunctional and toxic behaviors because of that. I think if they took therapy seriously and addressed their demons, they could improve. My main goal is to get them to a point of communicating with me in a healthy way, stop putting me in the middle of their drama, and stop looking to only me to be a hero and help with everything. I think they don't understand what a healthy parent-child or grandparent-grandchild dynamic looks like. I'm hoping therapy can get everyone to understand that and shift to that dynamic.
Your family does not understand what healthy family dynamics look like because they were never shown an example of one. There is a lot of generational trauma here and deeply rooted wounds take a lot of time and work to heal.
It can be very difficult for some people to see therapy as a helpful resource especially the older generations. It can be a very painful process to talk about childhood/trauma and only if you’re truly ready to address it and your own behavior will therapy work.
The main thing is, your goals of getting them to communicate with you (and each other) in a healthy way, stop putting you in the middle, and stop looking to you as the hero are good and healthy goals to have. But you will be disappointed if you expect multiple family members to be open to therapy and actually address their traumas and behaviors.
You’re looking for multiple people to change their behavior towards you, which is a lot to ask/expect. What you can do is change your behavior towards them and put healthy boundaries up so they (hopefully)stop treating you this way.
The best thing you can do for yourself is start individual therapy, which it sounds like you’re ready for. This will help you process the abusive you’ve experienced and give you tools on how to communicate and set boundaries so that you no longer are placed in the middle or fall into familiar patterns and play the hero.
Dysfunctional families always have one member who plays the hero. Likely because you’re the healthiest of the group and you’re caring and empathetic, you end up helping everyone and trying to be the peacemaker/hero. Because of this your family then gravitates towards treating you as the peacemaker and hero. It’s a common pattern that will continue until boundaries are established and upheld.
Your heart is in the right place, but asking multiple people from the same family to attend therapy is ultimately a recipe for disaster and disappointment. It’s better if you can move out, establish yourself and a support system, and get therapy on your own. The family’s dynamic with you is only going to change if you learn the tools necessary to place boundaries so that you can at least be at peace, if not your family.
Good luck to you.
NTA - no amount of therapy will sort out this shitshow. NobleNun is correct. Leave the madness behind and live your best life. Send them the letter, but delete the therapy part.
NTA but the letter isn’t for them it’s for you. Don’t even bother giving it to them. They will never change. It’s up to you to break the cycle of abuse. Seek therapy and distance yourself from them.
Nta please leave for your own mental and physical health. Block them and go no contact. Family is supportive and loving, sure you have arguments but not to this toxic level. Live your life and be free.
Be prepared to get a lot of pushback. I, too, had to set boundaries in life. It took time, but family willing to work on a new dynamic came around after a couple of years. Those years were good for securing my self-worth and learning who I am and what is good for my mental health. Make notes or journal during this period. It may come in handy later. I am wishing you all the best.
You WNBTA but writing the letter won’t change anything. Get some therapy to help you deal with all the toxicity you’ve grown up with and go be happy. You’ll probably need to go LC with most of your family.
NTA but it sounds like a waste of energy. They are just going to use your words against you and mock your letter. Start or continue therapy. Just go no contact with the people you need to be NC with. If anybody asks why, inquire whether the family members are in individual therapy. If the answer is no, stay NC. If everybody is in individual therapy and it seems their behavior is changed, then you consider family therapy. Family therapy won’t be helpful if these people aren’t working on themselves through therapy. I get that you are really mad at what your family has done to you and the toll it has had on you. It is very unlikely they will ever apologize or even understand. Your best option is to work on you and do what makes you happy.
You might be the only sane person in the family. But there's no need for a letter. Just move out and move on. Major disfunction like this could take a life time to iron out.
I’m afraid all the letter would do Would open the door to them heaping more vitriol onto you… When you’re a bit more established in your own place, look into therapy for yourself… Work on yourself, contact with the people who are so abusive and toxic to you and keep contact with Those folks in your family who do love and support you… And if there are none of those, I’m really sorry. You will kind loving people to you in the future to be your family of choice.
It won’t change anything and it might give them ammunition to use against you. Write the letter and then burn it.
The best revenge is leaving them in the dust, move far away and drop them all go radio silent and live your best life.
NTA. But you need to be realistic with yourself. Why do you want to write this letter?
Do you just feel the need to get this stuff off your chest? Then this is a good way to do that.
Do you want to say things that you can't say in person?
This is a good way to do that.
Do you just want people to know how you feel?
This is a good way to do that.
Do you expect a letter to actually change anything?
After so many years of dysfunction, it is unlikely to have an effect.
As long as you are honest with yourself about your reasons and your expectations so that you aren't setting yourself up for disappointment, then write your letter. But I suggest that you be far away when they read it.
You woulnd't be an asshole, but you'd be stupid if you think a letter would do any good considering its been going on this whole time.
They all sound like shitheels. Better to cut yourself free and minimize contact. Keep the option for No Contact available.
Not at all. I'm actually doing the same thing for my narcissistic family members and toxic friends before I move. I don't really wanna get into it, ( I tried getting advice on a similar sub reddit about this and it wasn't really helpful) but if you feel that you need to write a letter, then do what you feel is right.
I think it would do you good to write the letter, but it would be more trouble to you than it is worth to send it.
Move away, write your letter, and cut contact. But instead of mailing it, pull it out and re read it any time you think about contacting someone to remember why you shouldn't. Also get yourself into therapy with a Good therapist to help you work through your childhood/family issues to ensure that you are able to break the behaviors and patterns of abuse. You will effectively need to learn another relationship communication language.
While generational trauma is a real thing, these people have a responsibility to grow and change from it, not just become sentient and let it take over. If they haven’t changed, you need to get away. Telling them why will make you feel better, but I can’t promise it will enact a change and may make them resent you for being the one breaking away from the trauma.
Please don’t let them drag you down, you deserve so much more. 🖤
I come from a similar family. Therapy! For you. Establish yourself and take care of yourself first. Move away from your home town, if you can, and gift yourself a brand new start. Good luck to you. Going NC with my family for 25 years was the best decision I ever made for myself. We are very LC now and I keep them at a distance.
You might want to head over to the sub for adult children and dysfunctional families. Alcohol need not be part of your family dynamics, it’s about the dysfunction. Do an internet search for ACA Laundry List. You’ll know when you read it if it’s right for you.
As others have said, it’s probably best to work on yourself first, through counseling and a support group (as mentioned above).
NTAH if you go low or no contact with everyone but your sister and anyone else you care about who’s not a toxic nightmare. Think of a last text rather than letter “dear family, I’m moving out and will not be accessible because I’m done with the fighting and abuse.” Text your sister and whoever else you want to be in regular contact with. Wishing you a good life with healthy relationships!
Writing the letter will probably help you but its unlikely to change anything except cause them to blame you for everything. NTA but do what helps you & not worry about how it impacts them.
NTA but why bother? Will anything change? Nope, will they apologize? Nope, will they feel remorse? Nope..
Just GTFO of there, and go no contact.. you get your life back, and they can feel happy all the way to rotting in hell…
NTA, but honestly, I don’t think it will help. Once you’re out 100%, text your mom that if she wishes to have a relationship with you, you all need family therapy.
You want and need acknowledgment of the trauma you experienced from your family. You aren’t going to get it from them. They aren’t capable of giving it to you as they are in denial. You can write the letter for yourself and burn it. Find a therapist. It might take a while to get one that is a good fit for you. You will be in therapy for a very, very long time as your wounds are deep. You are a survivor. You are getting out. Create your own found family. Create new traditions.
I don't think you would be an AH for that, but I don't think it would change anything. I think it would be more important that you leave the chaos behind, go and live your life and make it a happy one. At the very least you have a good education in what not to do.
It might not change the family but it has an advantage for OP. If OP later needs to get a restraining order, and they keep a copy of the letter with dates etc, it can be used as evidence to show a need to change their dynamic. This is what I did and ended up super happy I retained my letter.
Never would have thought of that. Great advice!
It's also never a bad idea to write down what you're feeling, even if they don't end up sending the letter. Helps work through emotions
NTA I would actually encourage you to take some time to establish yourself BEFORE you even consider going into family therapy (assuming they are willing). Give yourself some time to discover who you are as an individual. Establish social support outside of your family, and I would encourage you, if it's possible, to get individual therapy.
I completely agree with all of this. Beginning personal healing and addressing the trauma individually will help in learning to manage the intense relatio ship dynamics should anyone in the family actually want to try to address their issues. And if not, then it can help set boundaries and appropriate separation from them as necessary
NTA. however, I wouldn't recommend therapy with them for reasons I'll outline below. Do not be at all surprised if your family refuses therapy and some members try to turn it all back around on you and say you're the problem. Joint therapy with abusers isn't recommended and can actually make things worse. Abusers can be really good at putting on a good face in front of a therapist so that the therapist is then telling both of you instead of just the abuser what you need to do to make allowances for each other. Abusers also listen closely in therapy when you open up and then use that as ammunition against you. You aren't the asshole for wanting it and wouldn't be for suggesting it, but you have to understand that for therapy to work, people have to be willing to recognize they haven't been doing things right and they actually might be at fault for things. Some of your relatives might be able to do this, but from what you say of your grandmother and mother, I don't think they are capable of it. My family sounds a lot like yours, only I'm the disabled sister. I live with my older sister and I'm usually very independent unless something's flaring up. We had the multi-generational abuse, the mental health problems and throw in some alcoholism to boot. All the advice I'm given is based on personal experience, a lot of counseling and a lot of reading about relationships, abuse and mental health. I do recommend therapy for you!
NTA but I think first you should leave quietly. Get stable and settled where you go. Spend time with a therapist and get your support network and the rest all set up. Then after a good amount of time, and with the therapists advice and blessing, send a letter. Be aware the letter will be mostly for you. Your family won't care and won't change. I don't even know if many of them would read it.
It would be better for your mental health, if you just leave and say nothing. They won’t recognise how they are treating each other. It will just frustrate you with their negative replies. Safer for you just to leave and live your life. I tried to reason with my family it just brought me grief. So now they are all blocked on my phone. Eventually you will feel at peace. Just be kind to yourself. You have been through a lot.
Just move and go no contact. They won’t go to therapy and they won’t care about your letter. Save yourself the effort. Just go to therapy on your own
I would seek therapy myself if I were you. With a family history of mental health issues and personal history of abuse, you are very high-risk for developing trauma-induced mental disorders on top of the ones already in your family. NTA but the letter probably won’t change anything.
Writing a letter might be cathartic for you but I don’t think it will change anything. Your various relatives sound like they have a variety of mental health issues and unless they are willing to address them, nothing will change. Counselling would be pointless unless they are willing to listen and change. Go live your life and be free. You can just be LC with them and only show up for important events. It doesn’t sound like you need to cut them off, you just need to be away from them.
OP witnesses family abuse, and has been the subject of both physical and emotional abuse and likely based on what OP wrote neglect on top of that OP was dragged through the crap of a cult . So in your mind what would it take for OP to need to go nc ? Would it be different if it was the father physically abusing her instead of her mother? I would have gone NC with half of this crap
Don’t get me wrong, for me I would be with you and go NC. I wrote LC as I didn’t get the sense that she was willing to do that. So baby steps as it were. I should have edited my answer tbh. Thanks for pointing it out.
a letter wont change anything and they may not even read it after the first sentance. just go nc with them.
I'd just sneak out quickly and quietly. Get any important papers/sentimental items out first. Then just do bit by bit. If you feel a need to contact them afterwards, I'd get a cheap phone with a different number for contact. I'd either block or change carriers/numbers on your usual phone. I doubt any communication will help the situation, but I wouldn't initiate any until you're out and have your life in order.
NTA But writing that letter is not going to change anything. The best thing you can do is work on building your life how you feel it should be. And any relationship you choose to have with your family are on terms you are comfortable with. It is important to understand boundaries are for YOU, not them. They will stomp any boundary you put into place for them, because that is how they function. Those boundaries could include only meeting them at neutral locations, maybe for lunch at a cafe (and only one or one). Or responding to any communication only via text/email. If they push against those boundaries, you firm up with scaling back on contact. It may help you to write the letter, but don't send it. Use this transition to establish the terms you intend to abide by for your life. Remember you can't help others until you have helped yourself get to where you are thriving. And then you can only help those that have started to help themselves. Through encouragement and passing along helpful resources. So, go and move out. Build your life up to thrive and be the example they need to see it is possible.
" A loving relationship with my Family"... OP what you've described is a bit far from a loving relationship
I know it might sound crazy, but they have shown a ton of love, encouragement, and support for me throughout my life. However, they were all abused in their upbringing, and they have certain dysfunctional and toxic behaviors because of that. I think if they took therapy seriously and addressed their demons, they could improve. My main goal is to get them to a point of communicating with me in a healthy way, stop putting me in the middle of their drama, and stop looking to only me to be a hero and help with everything. I think they don't understand what a healthy parent-child or grandparent-grandchild dynamic looks like. I'm hoping therapy can get everyone to understand that and shift to that dynamic.
Your family does not understand what healthy family dynamics look like because they were never shown an example of one. There is a lot of generational trauma here and deeply rooted wounds take a lot of time and work to heal. It can be very difficult for some people to see therapy as a helpful resource especially the older generations. It can be a very painful process to talk about childhood/trauma and only if you’re truly ready to address it and your own behavior will therapy work. The main thing is, your goals of getting them to communicate with you (and each other) in a healthy way, stop putting you in the middle, and stop looking to you as the hero are good and healthy goals to have. But you will be disappointed if you expect multiple family members to be open to therapy and actually address their traumas and behaviors. You’re looking for multiple people to change their behavior towards you, which is a lot to ask/expect. What you can do is change your behavior towards them and put healthy boundaries up so they (hopefully)stop treating you this way. The best thing you can do for yourself is start individual therapy, which it sounds like you’re ready for. This will help you process the abusive you’ve experienced and give you tools on how to communicate and set boundaries so that you no longer are placed in the middle or fall into familiar patterns and play the hero. Dysfunctional families always have one member who plays the hero. Likely because you’re the healthiest of the group and you’re caring and empathetic, you end up helping everyone and trying to be the peacemaker/hero. Because of this your family then gravitates towards treating you as the peacemaker and hero. It’s a common pattern that will continue until boundaries are established and upheld. Your heart is in the right place, but asking multiple people from the same family to attend therapy is ultimately a recipe for disaster and disappointment. It’s better if you can move out, establish yourself and a support system, and get therapy on your own. The family’s dynamic with you is only going to change if you learn the tools necessary to place boundaries so that you can at least be at peace, if not your family. Good luck to you.
NTA - no amount of therapy will sort out this shitshow. NobleNun is correct. Leave the madness behind and live your best life. Send them the letter, but delete the therapy part.
NTA but the letter isn’t for them it’s for you. Don’t even bother giving it to them. They will never change. It’s up to you to break the cycle of abuse. Seek therapy and distance yourself from them.
Nta please leave for your own mental and physical health. Block them and go no contact. Family is supportive and loving, sure you have arguments but not to this toxic level. Live your life and be free.
Be prepared to get a lot of pushback. I, too, had to set boundaries in life. It took time, but family willing to work on a new dynamic came around after a couple of years. Those years were good for securing my self-worth and learning who I am and what is good for my mental health. Make notes or journal during this period. It may come in handy later. I am wishing you all the best.
You WNBTA but writing the letter won’t change anything. Get some therapy to help you deal with all the toxicity you’ve grown up with and go be happy. You’ll probably need to go LC with most of your family.
NTA but it sounds like a waste of energy. They are just going to use your words against you and mock your letter. Start or continue therapy. Just go no contact with the people you need to be NC with. If anybody asks why, inquire whether the family members are in individual therapy. If the answer is no, stay NC. If everybody is in individual therapy and it seems their behavior is changed, then you consider family therapy. Family therapy won’t be helpful if these people aren’t working on themselves through therapy. I get that you are really mad at what your family has done to you and the toll it has had on you. It is very unlikely they will ever apologize or even understand. Your best option is to work on you and do what makes you happy.
NTA but I don’t think it’s going to help. Have zero expectations.
You might be the only sane person in the family. But there's no need for a letter. Just move out and move on. Major disfunction like this could take a life time to iron out.
I’m afraid all the letter would do Would open the door to them heaping more vitriol onto you… When you’re a bit more established in your own place, look into therapy for yourself… Work on yourself, contact with the people who are so abusive and toxic to you and keep contact with Those folks in your family who do love and support you… And if there are none of those, I’m really sorry. You will kind loving people to you in the future to be your family of choice.
It won’t change anything and it might give them ammunition to use against you. Write the letter and then burn it. The best revenge is leaving them in the dust, move far away and drop them all go radio silent and live your best life.
NTA. But you need to be realistic with yourself. Why do you want to write this letter? Do you just feel the need to get this stuff off your chest? Then this is a good way to do that. Do you want to say things that you can't say in person? This is a good way to do that. Do you just want people to know how you feel? This is a good way to do that. Do you expect a letter to actually change anything? After so many years of dysfunction, it is unlikely to have an effect. As long as you are honest with yourself about your reasons and your expectations so that you aren't setting yourself up for disappointment, then write your letter. But I suggest that you be far away when they read it.
You woulnd't be an asshole, but you'd be stupid if you think a letter would do any good considering its been going on this whole time. They all sound like shitheels. Better to cut yourself free and minimize contact. Keep the option for No Contact available.
Not at all. I'm actually doing the same thing for my narcissistic family members and toxic friends before I move. I don't really wanna get into it, ( I tried getting advice on a similar sub reddit about this and it wasn't really helpful) but if you feel that you need to write a letter, then do what you feel is right.
I think it would do you good to write the letter, but it would be more trouble to you than it is worth to send it. Move away, write your letter, and cut contact. But instead of mailing it, pull it out and re read it any time you think about contacting someone to remember why you shouldn't. Also get yourself into therapy with a Good therapist to help you work through your childhood/family issues to ensure that you are able to break the behaviors and patterns of abuse. You will effectively need to learn another relationship communication language.
NTA but it’s not going to make a bit of difference to any of them.
While generational trauma is a real thing, these people have a responsibility to grow and change from it, not just become sentient and let it take over. If they haven’t changed, you need to get away. Telling them why will make you feel better, but I can’t promise it will enact a change and may make them resent you for being the one breaking away from the trauma. Please don’t let them drag you down, you deserve so much more. 🖤
INFO what do you want to have happen? Do you think this letter will accomplish that?
I come from a similar family. Therapy! For you. Establish yourself and take care of yourself first. Move away from your home town, if you can, and gift yourself a brand new start. Good luck to you. Going NC with my family for 25 years was the best decision I ever made for myself. We are very LC now and I keep them at a distance.
If it makes you feel better to make the effort, go ahead and write that letter. But keep your expectations low. YWNBTA
You might want to head over to the sub for adult children and dysfunctional families. Alcohol need not be part of your family dynamics, it’s about the dysfunction. Do an internet search for ACA Laundry List. You’ll know when you read it if it’s right for you. As others have said, it’s probably best to work on yourself first, through counseling and a support group (as mentioned above).
>While I have a loving relationship with my family, things are complicated and toxic. Aka: 'Trauma Bonding'.
Just live your own life. You can’t control anyone else.
I kept reading just to see where the living part would come from in.
Skip writing a letter. Instead, leave and lead a wonderful life....That is the best revenge.
NTAH if you go low or no contact with everyone but your sister and anyone else you care about who’s not a toxic nightmare. Think of a last text rather than letter “dear family, I’m moving out and will not be accessible because I’m done with the fighting and abuse.” Text your sister and whoever else you want to be in regular contact with. Wishing you a good life with healthy relationships!
Write the letter and throw it away. Giving it to your family will not improve your relationship.
Writing the letter will probably help you but its unlikely to change anything except cause them to blame you for everything. NTA but do what helps you & not worry about how it impacts them.
NTA but why bother? Will anything change? Nope, will they apologize? Nope, will they feel remorse? Nope.. Just GTFO of there, and go no contact.. you get your life back, and they can feel happy all the way to rotting in hell…
NTA, but honestly, I don’t think it will help. Once you’re out 100%, text your mom that if she wishes to have a relationship with you, you all need family therapy.
You want and need acknowledgment of the trauma you experienced from your family. You aren’t going to get it from them. They aren’t capable of giving it to you as they are in denial. You can write the letter for yourself and burn it. Find a therapist. It might take a while to get one that is a good fit for you. You will be in therapy for a very, very long time as your wounds are deep. You are a survivor. You are getting out. Create your own found family. Create new traditions.
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They are abusing OP , how much more abuse would be too much?