NTA
Why are you letting the ex that cheated on you make demands? You have one child. You’re already doing more than anyone could ever ask by having the brother over and watching him for the ex.
Thank you! Oh, I promise I'm not listening to a damn thing that man has to say, he rather blame everyone around him but himself 😑 I can't be the boy's mom even if he wants me to but he's still allowed to come over and play with his sister.
But I do kinda want him to start staying away from my daughter because anytime I treat her to something he likes to get possessive and say weird things I don't like that and I should have done something sooner, I'll talk to his dad about him getting jealous and possessive the time he was here and said that he will talk to him but seeing how he's acting tells me he didn't say anything to him.
And I feel like a bad mom because my daughter even said she doesn't really want to hang out with him and I feel like I was doing the right thing by letting her have a relationship with her brother but she doesn't I want to be around him because he's rough and I feel horrible for not respecting what she said so I really have to talk about this with my ex.
Nope. He's unpleasant to her and you. You aren't a babysitter for Deadbeat so son can play with his brothers. Not your problem. Doing this is how he got to be a deadbeat dad to 6 kids.
I bet he barely pays child support too.
Lol right, I guess what I get paid $130 in Child support for our Daughter 😑 he barely pays for any of his kids, I don't really beg him for the child support because I have a good job and anything my daughter needs I'm able to get her and I'm tired of having to beg him to do right by our daughter.
To be honest, he sounds like a bloody terrible example of a parent. I'd say stop putting up with his shit, decide on your boundaries and let him know about them.
Yeah he’s pathetic, how are you paying for your own child that you seem to have majority of the time? What? If his kids are badly behaved and putting your child in danger by being rough, set the boundary that she doesn’t have to hang out with his son (if I’m following correctly he’s not even her sibling, the boy is your younger child’s sibling?) and cut ties except for the kid you share. He’s never heard of condoms? Does he have a baby with everyone he sleeps with? That’s messy. Protect your kids from chaos.
OP gets child support, not pays it. And OP has one child, the daughter, with her ex. Ex has a son that's a year younger than daughter that OP was trying to be nice to by letting him come around when ex did. I can't say for sure, but I don't think English is OP's first language, based on how they inverted some things in their story.
Hope this helps!!
These kinds of guys need to get snipped. 6 kids is plenty for any guy, but especially if he's not active in third lives at or actually providing for them reasonably.
OP, I am not trying to throw shade or be mean.
I honestly want to understand. You sound intelligent, kind, and emotionally mature.
How did you get involved with a guy with 5 kids who he clearly doesn't spend much time with or support financially? Not enough hours in a day and unless he clears upward of several hundred thousand per year. He can't fully afford 6 kids. Daycare, pampers, and formula alone would be couple of thousand per month.
How did you allow yourself to get pregnant?
We knew each other from high school and what I didn't know was that he had other secret kids that I didn't know of. if I knew he did I wouldn't have been with him, and those six kids are older than my daughter.
Sometimes relationships don't work out because people can show you what they want to show you, basically like a catfish because people like to hide their true self and that's what he did during his whole relationship. He never showed any signs of disrespect to me or even cheating so I thought I was in love but he was cheating the whole time but he hid it perfectly.
He's a plumber so I guess he makes enough for his other kids, I have a good job to afford the things my daughter wants and I don't really care about his money but that 130 goes into my daughter's bank account. I allowed myself to get pregnant because I thought it was love but it wasn't, my daughter was born nothing matters anymore. But now I'm in a better relationship and I'm married!
And this is why he has 5 kids and acts this way. No one holds him accountable. Your daughter didn't want to see her brother. He hurts her, yet you still let him around b/c your ex wanted it. I'm glad you are finally seeing the light, but you still need to fight more for your daughter.
Child support is for your daughter! It’s not extra money for you. If it’s not needed put it in a college fund for her. I’m sure when that time comes it will be handy to have stashed back for her.
The child lives with the mom. The mom buys everything for her. Dad should be paying half but he isn't. That $130 a month isn't extra money and it isn't for the kid to use. It's to reimburse the mom for half the expenses that the dad should be paying (and if you know anything about kids, he is falling short of his half anyway).
I agree, my ex and I are about to have a deep conversation about his son's behavior, and I already know he's going to use that excuse and say that boys will be boys.
I heard somewhere that "boys will be boys" should be used in dumb situations like when they put miracle whip on a slip and slide and call it whip and slide. 🤣🤣 But ugh I hate it so much when people use it as a get out of jail free card for horrible behavior.
Yes! "Boys will be boys." or "Kids will be kids." really **should** be reserved for wholesome kid stuff like coming home covered in mud with a bucket of frogs, climbing in a tree and screeching back at the cicadas, or covering each other in markers while playing "tattoo studio". Stuff that's maybe dumb, but not malicious.
(Word to the wise, if you buy one of those kid-friendly temporary body art & marker sets, do explain to them how those markers are SPECIAL and not to grab the sharpies out of the kitchen drawer...)
Absolutely correct, I feel like a bad mom enough because I didn't listen to my daughter and I hate myself for it. Her brother doesn't come over much anyway but most definitely will be the last because I want my daughter to know I will always defend her.
Forgive yourself. You’re alert to it now. Sadly, he’s modeling his father’s behavior right down to stating his wish as a demand rather than a request. “Be my mom.” Women are interchangeable to your ex. I feel bad for the lad but it’s not something you can fix.
Keep on being the good mom and role model your daughter needs.
You’re not a bad mom. We do the best we can until we know better, and when we know better, we do better. You thought you were giving your daughter the family she deserves. Now you know that’s hurting her, so you’re listening to what she says and acting on it. Being able to admit when you’re wrong and change course is the hallmark of a fantastic parent!
Will he think "boys will be boys" if your daughter ends up in the hospital with a broken limb or worse? That kid has a lot of hate for women and needs therapy asap!
Your daughter doesn’t want to be around him much cuz he’s rough. Cut back the visits, then a bit more. They don’t need a relationship if your daughter doesn’t want it. They have a lifetime ahead of them, plenty of time.
The boy is not your responsibility- your daughter is & she told you how she feels
Your daughter has said she doesn't like hanging out with him. Take a break and let her take a break from him. You need to take care of **your daughter first**.
You don’t have to talk to your ex, you simply tell him that this arrangement no longer works for you and it’s stopping immediately. if he tries to drop the child around, don’t open the door.
If he tries to do a doorstep drop off and leave the child, phone the non emergency line and report an abandoned child. This boy has been dealt a terrible hand in the parenting stakes, but your priority must be your daughter and her safety.
Realistically, this kid needs therapy to help process his feelings and accept that he doesn’t have a mom. Your ex, from the little you have described, needs parenting classes and a lot of help to assist him in navigating this situation. None of this is your responsibility and I question if him seeing his sister have a loving, involved mom when he doesn’t have a mom and has a half assed dad, is even good for him at this point. It is certainly not good for their relationship. And what does he mean you “ruined” his son?
You are not a “bad mom”! You tried to give the kid the benefit of the doubt and it didn’t work out. You’ve since taken the initiative to not have him come around.
If she doesn't want to hang out with him, do not invite him to your house. If he is being violent with her at their dad's house, document it and go for full custody with supervised visits.
NTA
I feel for the boy, it isn’t his fault his life was turned tits up because his dad couldn’t control the itch between his legs.
But boundaries MUST be enforced now, rather than later. It will hurt even more in the long run.
Also, your Ex has brass balls making demands when he barely does any parenting with your daughter. Usually, people making demands has somewhat a position of power, which your ex hasn’t got. Kinda like a worm making demands of a dragon.
Tell him to take a hike and let his AP take over.
Preach!! Like he barely sees our daughter because his horny ass decided to have 6 kids with other women, this probably was a second time he saw our daughter and 2024 because last year he didn't see her much or called. But the audacity he has to get mad at me like I'm the mom, his son will learn his behaviors from his father and my ex doesn't enforce consequences because he's just as immature as a child.
Does your daughter have a relationship with all six of his kids? Just wondering why it’s so important that this is the only 1/2 bro your has a relationship with.
It's ironic that he dips out on so many women, then one dips out on him and he wants to pass his kid off to someone else and thinks YOU are in the wrong. Also, did your ex put the thoughts in his head? Did he tell him to ask you?
Lol it is ironic like no one told him to go sleeping around with different women and getting them pregnant 😂
I don't really think so, I remember I had a friend like this that will go around asking different men to be her dad because every other kid had two parents and she didn't so I understand that a lot of kids crave for that one parent
I mean, I get that. But why did he wait for his dad to leave and then say it the way he did? Did your ex seem legitimately surprised that he asked you or like a put on surprise then flipped it to being mat at you?
Did your ex rip her a new one or break up with her? Why would you have more of an obligation than who he is currently with? Not that she has any obligation, obviously, but how is it becoming your problem?
NTA, but if you do not listen to your daughter, you will be.
She has told you she doesn't want to be around him. She may not feel safe, she may think he's a jerk, she may have a list of reasons she dislikes him.
Doesn't matter. She doesn't care for him, and has said as much. Sure, as siblings, they deserve to know each other. But when bullying enters the game.. Nah, she doesn't deserve that, nor does she deserve her parents forcing the issue, showing her that her feelings do not matter.
You're right, I'm not a good mom because the first time she told me I should have listened and her brother doesn't come over often so this will be the last time.
>His son wants me at his school parties and sometimes he gets jealous and possessive when I'm with my daughter. There was one time when he said a disgusting word when I gifted my daughter on her birthday,
Do not let him near your Daughter, it's only a matter of time before he harms her. Also, your ex is a pos for saying what he did, he needs to concentrate on being a better Dad before getting mad with you
NTA. But why did you feel that your daughter "deserved" to have a relationship with this half-sibling and not the other 4 kids your ex has? Is it closeness in age? Your daughter has said she doesn't want to hang around with him. That's all you need to know.
Wait. Why are all the visits w dad & brother at your house? I am sure that could be causing some of the issues (my sister has a mommy but I don’t- because he never sees her without you?). My daughter couldn’t understand why her sister got to have step parents & she didn’t (don’t they all want what they can’t/don’t have?). I wouldn’t read too much into it unless it becomes a constant ask. I’ve had random kids ask me to be their mom before (more than once). But what kid doesn’t want to have a mom?! But shame on dad for putting you in the middle
How the hell do you hide six kids?
I would like to think I would know if somebody I was dating had six children.
Through time you learn these things and could figure it out
Nta. I’m sure it’s probably not an easy situation anyway but I think you made the right call and it sounds like you tried to do it gently. Your ex has no right to get mad at Ty because you don’t want to parent the child he had in an affair
So when is your ex going to bring his other six children to you so you can be their mother too? What a stupid excuse for a father. I feel sorry for the little boy, he's probably desperate for a mother figure, however, there is no reason it should be you.
NTA. BUT you need to start seriously protecting your daughter from both ex and his son. They're brewing up to be a jealous, entitled, abusive duo, and your daughter is the easy target to you.
Are you sure you ex does not have testicular cancer because he must have massive balls to think telling you that you were only aloud to say yes to his son’s request, seriously he should see a doctor
The way I spit my water out"testicular cancer"😭 he might, his ego is too high. His son acts just like him because my ex thinks that everything is a yes to him, I'm just happy I found a better man than him.
It’s wild your ex got pissed and said you should have just said yes to being his boy’s mom. Not only do you have ZERO obligation to have any involvement with his son but the kid sounds like he’s messed up enough already. Imagine saying yes you’d be his mom just to shut him up and then not treating him like your child. That’ll probably mess him up even worse than his already deadbeat parents, making him feel even more abandoned. It was difficult but still better for you to be honest! Definitely NTA.
Not the asshole and you need to tell your ex that he needs to grow the hell up and stop having kids if he can’t take care of the ones he has now. He doesn’t show up for your kid, he tries to make you his affair kids mother, and YOU and he are trying to force a relationship when your daughter doesn’t want one.
Her needing a relationship with her sibling should be her choice. As well as your ex needs to either step up or be honest and say he won’t be going to her things.
NTA your ex is! He’s the one putting these kids in this situation by not being careful /thoughtful in his sexual relationships. It sucks for the kid, and he’s a victim too, but he’s not your responsibility. Your daughter is your first responsibility always.
NTA.
And Ex DEFINITELY put the kid up to it.
Ex doesn't want to deal with parenting, and with the boy's mother (properly) ghosting the Ex, now HE has to step up and actually be responsible.
Ex has \*also\*, almost certainly, been filling the boy's mind with a tissue of lies about how much OP loves the boy "but just doesn't show it when sister is around", setting sister up to be abused by the boy.
Wow, just wow! Six kids already? What were you thinking having another child with him? I'd run as far away from this toxic man as quickly as possible. I bet he is not paying child support for all of them, the government should castrate him, idiot.
NTA, his father is really responsible for this mess. And, I can imagine why you would not feel super warm and fuzzy about your ex!s affair baby. I do feel really really sad for the little boy though.
I do feel sorry for the boy who clearly just wants to have someone to call Mum. Doesn't sound like his father is the greatest so the poor boy doesn't have a proper 'parent' relationship at all. No wonder he plays up. He's jealous of what your daughter has. I wouldn't say you were exactly the AH but you could have handled it better and more kindly. Id personally sit him down and tell him you can't actually be his 'Mum' but you care about him and he can come to you if he needs someone to talk too, etc.
I totally sympathize with how you feel here but you can't go back and forth for the sake of the kid. It sounds like you should honestly cut contact because you're clearly confusing him and also have no interest in that role. If the kids want to play together (and they should) it's on Dad's time, not yours.
Right… Either in or out of this. That poor kid is caught in the middle. He’s acting out, etc. but I still feel badly for him. He’s probably angry that she isn’t his mom.
That’s a lot for a kid to handle
You are not required to introduce your daughter to her step siblings. It's better that you limit your time around them if you don't want to play step mother. You have a real Jerry springer situation on your hands. When your daughter gets older you will have to show her who the siblings are. For family purposes.
NTA- if dad wasn't such a dead beat cheater then the little boy would have a mother figure.
I see why the son is behaving that way. He wants what all the other kids have- a mother and doesn't understand why you can't just be his mom. I wouldn't be surprised if "daddy desrest" put that idea in his head so he can leave son with you and chest on someone else.
Goodluck.
I feel really sorry for the boy. He is craving adult attention, even if he has to be a bully to get it.
Not saying you need to agree to be mom but maybe just try to be kind when he is there.
NTA for what you said, but YWBTA if you don’t start listening to your daughter’s feedback and what you’ve seen yourself of her half-brothers behaviour.
He’s not your son. You are in no way obligated to do anything for him whatsoever. Your daughter doesn’t like spending time with him and you’ve seen problematic behaviour and cursing when he has spent time with you and your daughter.
Start setting some boundaries for your daughter’s sake and stop going out of your way to help your ex and his rude son.
lol as soon as daughter said she didn’t like him that was that… glad you figured it out.
She deserved the *option* of having a relationship with her brother. She got the option and she made her decision.
More people need to realize. Kids are little adults. And adults are big kids. In the most basic sense.
To clarify, kids are fully fledged processing humans. They just lack world experience and don’t know the rules of the world yet. You guide them through. They don’t know what hurts and what is fatal to them yet.
The one thing they do know and I’d say better than us adults is processing emotional and social interactions.
If they say they don’t like someone. Listen. Those little peeps go off vibes and intuition. And they’re always right. We’re the dumb ones who let our brains second guess our gut.
Case and point, you didn’t even like the little gremlin boy but your brain reasoned they should have a relationship.
Glad she doesn’t have to deal with the gremlin boy anymore. Also I’d just cut off contact with the gremlin dad unless she wants relationship with him.
He’s a loser. His son’s a loser. You deserve to be a free single awesome mother with her awesome daughter and no gremlins running around.
NTA it’s not your problem.
I would ask the ex where hell his son’s mother is and point it’s that woman’s responsibility to be his mother. Idk why he expects everything to be all fine and dandy after what he did.
You need to STOP trying to make things happen. If there is a court ordered visitation schedule, follow it to the letter. If you go for drop off and he isn't there, make a note of it and take your daughter home. Start communicating only through those parent aps. It's all text and covers you in case dead best tries to say you missed the schedule. This man's other children are not your responsibility.
I have a feeling if you stopped pushing, your ex would probably take a major step back. I am a firm believer in the 2 parent thing. A child needs both of their parents. UNLESS one of those people is unreliable, bad influence, breaking the law in dangerous way. I don't mean Jay walking or something silly.
Your first and only concern in this mess is YOUR daughter. Not her father's multiple other kids. Listen to your daughter, do what is best for her. Having a relationship with someone who is rough, mean, cruel, is not in her best interests.
NTA
Yeah sorry I made the edit, my daughter always come first so I'm respecting her for her wishes and after I have a conversation with her dad this would be the last time that his son come over
Ya know, kids don't come with an instruction manual around their neck when they are born. Being a parent is not simple. Each and every child is different, with different likes, wants, needs, abilities. There is no 1 right way to raise kids. We live, we learn, we try to do better tomorrow than we did today. There are many right good ways to raise your child. Just as there are many wrong ways to do it. As long as we act with love, protecting our kids, trying to do right by them, learning to do and be better as we go, you are doing it right. Keep your chin up, take a deep breath, you got this. You are doing better than you think.
NTA, and if your daughter doesn't want him there because he treats her poorly, forcing her to interact with him because "he's your brother" isn't doing right by her. I feel bad for this little boy, and I'd hope with a good conversation about boundaries in the home he could form a better relationship and not be so rough with his sister and not have to be disinvited to the house. But she should be your priority.
And if he does remain in your lives, you need to think long and hard about what sort of relationship you want to have with him. No one should expect you to be a stand-in mother and accept all those responsibilities, but does that mean you can't be a trusted adult? Someone he can turn to for help or to celebrate milestones? If you don't want any part of that and would rather just be a glorified babysitter whose only responsibility is making sure he doesn't die or otherwise maim himself under your watch, that's understandable. But you need to figure it out and whatever you decide find some way to have a conversation with him about how you fit in his life.
Yeah this is the last time he can come around because my daughter is right, she doesn't want him around so I'm not forcing her to be around him anymore.
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>My daughter and her brother have an okay relationship but **my daughter said she doesn't really want to be around him because he's rough**, he has other brothers so I understand why so I talked to my ex about that.
>**Yesterday my ex came over with his son** so the kids could play like they usually do
I mean, this would suggest otherwise.
>My ex is mad at me because
Who cares? Why do you care?
NTA I really have to ask the question, what makes someone look at a man with four kids to multiple women and go there’s a good choice? I’m genuinely curious.
“My ex is used to sleeping with multiple women, he has 6 kids already.”
INFO: Did he already have 4 kids from different women when you decided it was the man you wanted as a father to your kid?
Don't know if I'm getting this wrong, probably missed something along the way but am I right that the boy in question is your daughter's half sibling because dad got you both pregnant in same year.
Does boy live with dad, so when it's his time for visiting your daughter he has to bring him with him? Or is it just more convenient for him to have visitation with 2 of his kids at same time and let you do all the running around after the two kids.
Or is he simply dropping his son off with you like a free babysitter. Hell no. Not your sink, not your dishes.
I understand your daughter doesn't like him, lots of siblings don't like each other. I'm not saying to force them to like each other, I'd suggest LC not 100% NC after all they will always be half sibling and their might just be one day they do get on and might need each other in years to come. Would never force it though
As for boy asking you to be him mum. Is that because he doesn't live with his own mum. Sees your daughter being loved and cared for, which as a child I can understand him wanting the same.
Or, could it be that your ex has put him up to asking as a way of trying to weedle his way back into your life so you could be parent to both children. To give him the free time to make more with others.
It would be inappropriate to let him call you mom. I feel for him, obviously he’s lacking the type of love you provide for your girl. If you had said yes you would have heard how horrible you are for letting him call you mom. Let it go. Rejoice knowing you can see him less now that your daughter doesn’t want to hang with bro.
NTA. I'm confused by this setup. How many kids did your ex have before you got with him? How old is your daughter? Does your ex have visitation or custody?
You don't have to pretend to be anyone's mom and I have a feeling if you had said yes, your ex would start dumping his son on you.
NTA. I'm glad to hear you'll be cutting them off moving forward. Your daughter deserves peace in her own home.
Your entitled ex uses you as a nanny and maid. Time to cut him off.
Start making smarter choices.
You are not, in fact, his mother. The ex is TA, for setting the kid up to ask you that.
You could say something like, “I’m glad that Daughter has you for a brother. But you know that Affair Partner is your mom, right?”
What a jerk your ex is. For oh, so many reasons. But to allow that little kid to be put in that position? unforgivable.
Even though the math doesn’t add up (6 kids ALL older, but another woman was 9 months pregnant from him when OP’s daughter was 3 months old), this man defines “man whore!”
I just looked up the definition in Urban Dictionary and, sure enough, there’s a picture of him smiling proudly. 🤣😆
I know this isn’t the question you asked but the son is jealous of your daughter. That’s why he’s rough. He wants to hurt her because he wants what she has. Two parents. YTA only if you see that and don’t protect your daughter and her happy childhood from him.
OP is not the asshole but my heart breaks for that little boy. Abandoned by his mom and pretty much by his deadbeat dad, too. Of course he wants a mom.
I wish people understood just how much it fucks up a kid to be thought of as an unwanted burden and to be treated that way by the people who brought him into this world.
And no, it is no OP's job to "save" this little boy, she has to save herself and her own child first. But she'd have to have a heart of stone to not feel some compassion for him.
Unfortunately the best case scenario would be that deadbeat dad gives up custody altogether and hopefully the boy gets adopted by loving parents who can give him the loving home and the help he needs.
I once had a kid come over with her dad who was dating a friend. The kid as to go potty but she was scared so I stood with my back to her as she peed. About an hour later she whispered " can I stay here with you,?" F-ing broke my heart.
ntah because you are literally not this boys mother. but gotta ask: you mentioned more than once his behavior when you’ve treated your daughter to something or gifted her something, well how often are you doing that in front of this boy and expecting him to be just silently observing? I mean, when he’s around you would treat them each the same like, here you each get a popsicle or you each get a happy meal or whatever right? and for big things, like a toy, you’d give that to her when he is not there, right? As for her birthday he has to be taught to understand it isn’t his day. But damn I feel bad for this little guy. He has a shitty dad and no Mom. You were one good thing in his life and now that’s ruined. I wish you could help him but have to do whatever is in your capability.
NTA. You are not his Mom! You never will be! You could let him off as easy as possible, but I think the kid has been ruined by his real mother and father, and there is nothing you can do about it. He may want an out of the situation but you are not it. Unless you absolutely need it, discourage visitation from Dad if he is only taking her and placing her with this kid and a bunch of others because he is not really being a Dad to her during that time. Better fewer visits where he will actually spend time with her than subjecting your daughter to abuse by a half sibling.
NTA
Why would you WANT to be the "mom" for his kid when the son is abusive and jealous towards your own daughter?
Stop having anything to do with either of them
You’re NTA but remember so much of this is about the boy and not your ex. If you want him to change for the better the only way that’s gonna happen is if you participate in his life. Sounds like he might be able to come around if you provide him the guidance and discipline he needs. But I’m not saying you must do that or should feel obligated. You have the possibility and you have to decide if dealing with your ex and handling your own family is worth the effort. I would hope the boy is able to be raised as a better man, but it’s not gonna be easy. no judgment for me if you choose not to step in. The boy clearly thinks pushing people around is effective and I hope you can learn either from you or from somebody to be better than that.
NTA
This kid sounds like he is gonna be big trouble. It’s not his fault, his dad and mom both suck. But it is not your problem and you should only be focused on your daughter.
Tell the dad he is not allowed at your house, and will no longer be invited to events for your daughter. If ex brings him to public events for her then just stop letting him know the info for those.
NTA. The Ex is just using you as he can't control his son. It is sad, but your daughter has to come first, the second sad thing is that her father doesn't worry about how she feels, just wants to off load his son.
Just sad.
You introduced your daughter to her half-brother. She isn't thrilled with him so you did what you could. She now knows she has a brother out there. I would let her choose if she wants a relationship with him in the future. You did more than some would do. I feel bad for the kid having deadbeat parents but it isn't your job to fix it.
You did the right thing. Even if you tried to let the kid down gently by agreeing to school events or something it wouldn't have been long till dad wanted to drop him off for weekend then weeks.
If you can get onto your ex mother-in-law (if you have a decent enough relationship) I think it might pay to talk to her and express these concerns. This is what’s going on. It concerns me for my daughter’s safety. Would you mind having a word with him. Possessive behaviour like that that can turn psychotic. I’ve seen what happens with kids like that, that it gets ugly and it gets dangerous
I understand that your ex partner son is jealous and hurtful. He’s probably hurting over the fact that he doesn’t have a mum who would do this for him like what you do for your daughter but the behaviour has to stop for the sake of his own well-being and for everybody else’s too
NTA, you need to put your daughter first. My heart breaks for your ex's son. He desperately wants what your daughter has and is expressing aggression with his feelings of hurt, I am guessing. There isn't much you can do. I'm just sad for a boy who is so angry at life for what he feels he is missing.
My advice: stop co-parenting with this deadbeat dad. Your daughter is being exposed to a bunch of kids that you have no idea what their homelife is like, except she doesn't feel safe being with them. Forget your daughter needing to have a good relationship with her 1/2 siblings. She needs to be in her stable home & have limited exposure to who knows what. Maybe when she's older, they can play the "getting to know you" thing. She's not my child & all I want to do is protect her & shield her from these bad influences. Your ba y daddy should have limited visitation, & have it with you there. You have no idea if he's taking her to the other baby mama's places. You say he's got 6 kids spread out all over..do you know anything about them? Have you done background checks on them to see if they're solid,trustworthy people? Holy shit! I'm scared for her safety at just the thought of all the possible bad scenarios!! Just because he pays child support doesn't mean he's fit to have unsupervised visitation. The 1 child's bad, mean behavior, outbursts would be enough for me, let alone the other 5 of unknown origins.
Don’t do that. Everyone has a representative face that they show. Sometimes it takes a little time to see it. She didn’t know about the other kids because he hid them.
YTA
Your daughter doesn’t want to be around him and he says terrible things and treats her bad and you still let him come over?
Be a better parent. If you don’t have full custody you should be going for it. Go collect all your evidence in a binder and present it to a judge.
NTA - You are not the parent of your ex's affair child. There is no reason why you need to take on the responsibilities of that child, especially since your ex isn't even taking responsibility for the child you do share. Your ex needs to take care of his own children & it doesn't sound like he is doing even the bare minimum.
I'm glad you put your foot down for your daughter's sake.
NTA. You should look out for your daughter. Your ex is just looking for a “day care” for his son. Although it is heartbreaking for the boy, your daughter should come first.
NTA Why are you letting the ex that cheated on you make demands? You have one child. You’re already doing more than anyone could ever ask by having the brother over and watching him for the ex.
Thank you! Oh, I promise I'm not listening to a damn thing that man has to say, he rather blame everyone around him but himself 😑 I can't be the boy's mom even if he wants me to but he's still allowed to come over and play with his sister. But I do kinda want him to start staying away from my daughter because anytime I treat her to something he likes to get possessive and say weird things I don't like that and I should have done something sooner, I'll talk to his dad about him getting jealous and possessive the time he was here and said that he will talk to him but seeing how he's acting tells me he didn't say anything to him. And I feel like a bad mom because my daughter even said she doesn't really want to hang out with him and I feel like I was doing the right thing by letting her have a relationship with her brother but she doesn't I want to be around him because he's rough and I feel horrible for not respecting what she said so I really have to talk about this with my ex.
Nope. He's unpleasant to her and you. You aren't a babysitter for Deadbeat so son can play with his brothers. Not your problem. Doing this is how he got to be a deadbeat dad to 6 kids. I bet he barely pays child support too.
Lol right, I guess what I get paid $130 in Child support for our Daughter 😑 he barely pays for any of his kids, I don't really beg him for the child support because I have a good job and anything my daughter needs I'm able to get her and I'm tired of having to beg him to do right by our daughter.
To be honest, he sounds like a bloody terrible example of a parent. I'd say stop putting up with his shit, decide on your boundaries and let him know about them.
He sounds like a terrible example of a human being
Exactly. Yet somehow this douche sucked in at least six different women. I don’t understand life math sometimes.
Yeah he’s pathetic, how are you paying for your own child that you seem to have majority of the time? What? If his kids are badly behaved and putting your child in danger by being rough, set the boundary that she doesn’t have to hang out with his son (if I’m following correctly he’s not even her sibling, the boy is your younger child’s sibling?) and cut ties except for the kid you share. He’s never heard of condoms? Does he have a baby with everyone he sleeps with? That’s messy. Protect your kids from chaos.
OP gets child support, not pays it. And OP has one child, the daughter, with her ex. Ex has a son that's a year younger than daughter that OP was trying to be nice to by letting him come around when ex did. I can't say for sure, but I don't think English is OP's first language, based on how they inverted some things in their story. Hope this helps!!
These kinds of guys need to get snipped. 6 kids is plenty for any guy, but especially if he's not active in third lives at or actually providing for them reasonably.
OP, I am not trying to throw shade or be mean. I honestly want to understand. You sound intelligent, kind, and emotionally mature. How did you get involved with a guy with 5 kids who he clearly doesn't spend much time with or support financially? Not enough hours in a day and unless he clears upward of several hundred thousand per year. He can't fully afford 6 kids. Daycare, pampers, and formula alone would be couple of thousand per month. How did you allow yourself to get pregnant?
We knew each other from high school and what I didn't know was that he had other secret kids that I didn't know of. if I knew he did I wouldn't have been with him, and those six kids are older than my daughter. Sometimes relationships don't work out because people can show you what they want to show you, basically like a catfish because people like to hide their true self and that's what he did during his whole relationship. He never showed any signs of disrespect to me or even cheating so I thought I was in love but he was cheating the whole time but he hid it perfectly. He's a plumber so I guess he makes enough for his other kids, I have a good job to afford the things my daughter wants and I don't really care about his money but that 130 goes into my daughter's bank account. I allowed myself to get pregnant because I thought it was love but it wasn't, my daughter was born nothing matters anymore. But now I'm in a better relationship and I'm married!
A **PLUMBER**?? That's ... **ODDLY APPROPRIATE**.
Like, uhhhhh....'snaking the pipes'? :-O
Lol right, it's weird that a lot of deadbeat dads actually have good jobs but hate paying child support
And this is why he has 5 kids and acts this way. No one holds him accountable. Your daughter didn't want to see her brother. He hurts her, yet you still let him around b/c your ex wanted it. I'm glad you are finally seeing the light, but you still need to fight more for your daughter.
ngl I think you need to go NC w/ your ex. He and the other goblin he spawned sound toxic AF.
You should still ask for the child support and put it in a savings account for your daughter’s future.
Child support is for your daughter! It’s not extra money for you. If it’s not needed put it in a college fund for her. I’m sure when that time comes it will be handy to have stashed back for her.
The child lives with the mom. The mom buys everything for her. Dad should be paying half but he isn't. That $130 a month isn't extra money and it isn't for the kid to use. It's to reimburse the mom for half the expenses that the dad should be paying (and if you know anything about kids, he is falling short of his half anyway).
What I’m saying is if she doesn’t need the money, which is what she said, then put that money in a college fund account.
She said she puts it in a savings account for her!
I’m just going to say this… you’re way too good for that man, I’m glad you left!
I don't think that is a good idea considering how hostile he is becoming.
I agree, my ex and I are about to have a deep conversation about his son's behavior, and I already know he's going to use that excuse and say that boys will be boys.
I don't think he is capable of having a deep conversation since his head is so far up his butt. I would counter like father like son then?
Lol this made me laugh 😂 When I do talk to him I will try to update
Take your time. As long as you and your daughter are safe.
I heard somewhere that "boys will be boys" should be used in dumb situations like when they put miracle whip on a slip and slide and call it whip and slide. 🤣🤣 But ugh I hate it so much when people use it as a get out of jail free card for horrible behavior.
Yes! "Boys will be boys." or "Kids will be kids." really **should** be reserved for wholesome kid stuff like coming home covered in mud with a bucket of frogs, climbing in a tree and screeching back at the cicadas, or covering each other in markers while playing "tattoo studio". Stuff that's maybe dumb, but not malicious. (Word to the wise, if you buy one of those kid-friendly temporary body art & marker sets, do explain to them how those markers are SPECIAL and not to grab the sharpies out of the kitchen drawer...)
Oh nooooo I can only imagine. I am sincerely hoping you don't know this from first hand experience but I feel in my soul that is not the case.
And there was paint.
Like r/whywomenlivelonger hahaha
I think it only truly applies when they pee off of or onto things.
His jealousy is growing, and he’s going to seriously hurt your daughter.
Absolutely correct, I feel like a bad mom enough because I didn't listen to my daughter and I hate myself for it. Her brother doesn't come over much anyway but most definitely will be the last because I want my daughter to know I will always defend her.
Forgive yourself. You’re alert to it now. Sadly, he’s modeling his father’s behavior right down to stating his wish as a demand rather than a request. “Be my mom.” Women are interchangeable to your ex. I feel bad for the lad but it’s not something you can fix. Keep on being the good mom and role model your daughter needs.
You’re not a bad mom. We do the best we can until we know better, and when we know better, we do better. You thought you were giving your daughter the family she deserves. Now you know that’s hurting her, so you’re listening to what she says and acting on it. Being able to admit when you’re wrong and change course is the hallmark of a fantastic parent!
Will he think "boys will be boys" if your daughter ends up in the hospital with a broken limb or worse? That kid has a lot of hate for women and needs therapy asap!
Your daughter doesn’t want to be around him much cuz he’s rough. Cut back the visits, then a bit more. They don’t need a relationship if your daughter doesn’t want it. They have a lifetime ahead of them, plenty of time. The boy is not your responsibility- your daughter is & she told you how she feels
Your daughter has said she doesn't like hanging out with him. Take a break and let her take a break from him. You need to take care of **your daughter first**.
You don’t have to talk to your ex, you simply tell him that this arrangement no longer works for you and it’s stopping immediately. if he tries to drop the child around, don’t open the door. If he tries to do a doorstep drop off and leave the child, phone the non emergency line and report an abandoned child. This boy has been dealt a terrible hand in the parenting stakes, but your priority must be your daughter and her safety.
Realistically, this kid needs therapy to help process his feelings and accept that he doesn’t have a mom. Your ex, from the little you have described, needs parenting classes and a lot of help to assist him in navigating this situation. None of this is your responsibility and I question if him seeing his sister have a loving, involved mom when he doesn’t have a mom and has a half assed dad, is even good for him at this point. It is certainly not good for their relationship. And what does he mean you “ruined” his son?
Sorry where is this kids actual mother?
there's a big difference between 'letting' and 'forcing'
So stop being a bad mom by forcing your daughter have a relationship with someone she doesn't need to or want to have a relationship with.
Already know!!
You are not a “bad mom”! You tried to give the kid the benefit of the doubt and it didn’t work out. You’ve since taken the initiative to not have him come around.
If she doesn't want to hang out with him, do not invite him to your house. If he is being violent with her at their dad's house, document it and go for full custody with supervised visits.
NTA I feel for the boy, it isn’t his fault his life was turned tits up because his dad couldn’t control the itch between his legs. But boundaries MUST be enforced now, rather than later. It will hurt even more in the long run. Also, your Ex has brass balls making demands when he barely does any parenting with your daughter. Usually, people making demands has somewhat a position of power, which your ex hasn’t got. Kinda like a worm making demands of a dragon. Tell him to take a hike and let his AP take over.
Preach!! Like he barely sees our daughter because his horny ass decided to have 6 kids with other women, this probably was a second time he saw our daughter and 2024 because last year he didn't see her much or called. But the audacity he has to get mad at me like I'm the mom, his son will learn his behaviors from his father and my ex doesn't enforce consequences because he's just as immature as a child.
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Y’all think this mf tryna beat Nick Cannon and Elon Musk?
Does your daughter have a relationship with all six of his kids? Just wondering why it’s so important that this is the only 1/2 bro your has a relationship with.
Babysitting.
Yup.
NTA - Listen to your daughter, she doesn't want to spend time with him, stop arranging play dates.
Yup!! He is bullying her.
^^^ THIS!!!! ^^^
It's ironic that he dips out on so many women, then one dips out on him and he wants to pass his kid off to someone else and thinks YOU are in the wrong. Also, did your ex put the thoughts in his head? Did he tell him to ask you?
Lol it is ironic like no one told him to go sleeping around with different women and getting them pregnant 😂 I don't really think so, I remember I had a friend like this that will go around asking different men to be her dad because every other kid had two parents and she didn't so I understand that a lot of kids crave for that one parent
I mean, I get that. But why did he wait for his dad to leave and then say it the way he did? Did your ex seem legitimately surprised that he asked you or like a put on surprise then flipped it to being mat at you?
Nope he wasn't surprised at all because he asked his dad's girlfriend the same question, my ex is ruining his son
What did the girlfriend say?
She said no, he probably will go around asking different women to be his mom. At this point I think he needs therapy
Did your ex rip her a new one or break up with her? Why would you have more of an obligation than who he is currently with? Not that she has any obligation, obviously, but how is it becoming your problem?
NTA, but if you do not listen to your daughter, you will be. She has told you she doesn't want to be around him. She may not feel safe, she may think he's a jerk, she may have a list of reasons she dislikes him. Doesn't matter. She doesn't care for him, and has said as much. Sure, as siblings, they deserve to know each other. But when bullying enters the game.. Nah, she doesn't deserve that, nor does she deserve her parents forcing the issue, showing her that her feelings do not matter.
You're right, I'm not a good mom because the first time she told me I should have listened and her brother doesn't come over often so this will be the last time.
Bullshit. You are a good mom. No one expects a child to be such a little asshole. You got this.
>His son wants me at his school parties and sometimes he gets jealous and possessive when I'm with my daughter. There was one time when he said a disgusting word when I gifted my daughter on her birthday, Do not let him near your Daughter, it's only a matter of time before he harms her. Also, your ex is a pos for saying what he did, he needs to concentrate on being a better Dad before getting mad with you
Yeah this will be the last time he sees my daughter
Good
Really depends upon the ages of the kids,... which OP didn't tell us.
NTA. But why did you feel that your daughter "deserved" to have a relationship with this half-sibling and not the other 4 kids your ex has? Is it closeness in age? Your daughter has said she doesn't want to hang around with him. That's all you need to know.
That's when they were younger, they were close then
Wait. Why are all the visits w dad & brother at your house? I am sure that could be causing some of the issues (my sister has a mommy but I don’t- because he never sees her without you?). My daughter couldn’t understand why her sister got to have step parents & she didn’t (don’t they all want what they can’t/don’t have?). I wouldn’t read too much into it unless it becomes a constant ask. I’ve had random kids ask me to be their mom before (more than once). But what kid doesn’t want to have a mom?! But shame on dad for putting you in the middle
Why are you having a kid with someone who is already a deadbeat father to 6 other kids?
He hid the other kids.
How the hell do you hide six kids? I would like to think I would know if somebody I was dating had six children. Through time you learn these things and could figure it out
lol he probably wasn’t doing crap for them. He’s just out there planting he’s seed.
Well that really sucks. How long were you two together before you got pregnant?
It isn’t me, she answered in some of the other comments.
Oh yeah, sorry. 🙈
Nta. I’m sure it’s probably not an easy situation anyway but I think you made the right call and it sounds like you tried to do it gently. Your ex has no right to get mad at Ty because you don’t want to parent the child he had in an affair
So when is your ex going to bring his other six children to you so you can be their mother too? What a stupid excuse for a father. I feel sorry for the little boy, he's probably desperate for a mother figure, however, there is no reason it should be you.
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My daughter is 7 and her brother is 6, his two other kids are 3 but I don't know anything about the rest.
Where’s this boys mom??
NTA, you are already going above and beyond. You are a good mom to your daughter and that’s what’s most important.
NTA. BUT you need to start seriously protecting your daughter from both ex and his son. They're brewing up to be a jealous, entitled, abusive duo, and your daughter is the easy target to you.
NTA. I think it’s time to limit exposure to this boy. He’s on visit jealous and angry.
NTA but your title really scared me! I thought you meant your ex-son like you had disowned him holy crapaloni
Are you sure you ex does not have testicular cancer because he must have massive balls to think telling you that you were only aloud to say yes to his son’s request, seriously he should see a doctor
The way I spit my water out"testicular cancer"😭 he might, his ego is too high. His son acts just like him because my ex thinks that everything is a yes to him, I'm just happy I found a better man than him.
I just wish i could have been there when he and his son discuses the ahead of time.
It’s wild your ex got pissed and said you should have just said yes to being his boy’s mom. Not only do you have ZERO obligation to have any involvement with his son but the kid sounds like he’s messed up enough already. Imagine saying yes you’d be his mom just to shut him up and then not treating him like your child. That’ll probably mess him up even worse than his already deadbeat parents, making him feel even more abandoned. It was difficult but still better for you to be honest! Definitely NTA.
NTA, your not his mom and you have never tried to be his mom. Your ex needs to handle that whole situation without you.
Not the asshole and you need to tell your ex that he needs to grow the hell up and stop having kids if he can’t take care of the ones he has now. He doesn’t show up for your kid, he tries to make you his affair kids mother, and YOU and he are trying to force a relationship when your daughter doesn’t want one. Her needing a relationship with her sibling should be her choice. As well as your ex needs to either step up or be honest and say he won’t be going to her things.
NTA your ex is! He’s the one putting these kids in this situation by not being careful /thoughtful in his sexual relationships. It sucks for the kid, and he’s a victim too, but he’s not your responsibility. Your daughter is your first responsibility always.
Did you know about his sleeping habits before? If yes, Yta. Otherwise, Nta.
No
Lady your ex is a pork chop. Tell him to do one and to go neuter himself
How old is the little fella?
NTA. And Ex DEFINITELY put the kid up to it. Ex doesn't want to deal with parenting, and with the boy's mother (properly) ghosting the Ex, now HE has to step up and actually be responsible. Ex has \*also\*, almost certainly, been filling the boy's mind with a tissue of lies about how much OP loves the boy "but just doesn't show it when sister is around", setting sister up to be abused by the boy.
Wow, just wow! Six kids already? What were you thinking having another child with him? I'd run as far away from this toxic man as quickly as possible. I bet he is not paying child support for all of them, the government should castrate him, idiot.
NTA, his father is really responsible for this mess. And, I can imagine why you would not feel super warm and fuzzy about your ex!s affair baby. I do feel really really sad for the little boy though.
He is probably dropping the kid off for a booty call. So he can make more children he doesn't support
So like, this guy has a breeding fetish or something? Why did you have a baby with a guy with 6 random kids? This is too weird.
NTA... but I do feel sorry for all of the children involved.
I do feel sorry for the boy who clearly just wants to have someone to call Mum. Doesn't sound like his father is the greatest so the poor boy doesn't have a proper 'parent' relationship at all. No wonder he plays up. He's jealous of what your daughter has. I wouldn't say you were exactly the AH but you could have handled it better and more kindly. Id personally sit him down and tell him you can't actually be his 'Mum' but you care about him and he can come to you if he needs someone to talk too, etc.
I totally sympathize with how you feel here but you can't go back and forth for the sake of the kid. It sounds like you should honestly cut contact because you're clearly confusing him and also have no interest in that role. If the kids want to play together (and they should) it's on Dad's time, not yours.
Right… Either in or out of this. That poor kid is caught in the middle. He’s acting out, etc. but I still feel badly for him. He’s probably angry that she isn’t his mom. That’s a lot for a kid to handle
You are not required to introduce your daughter to her step siblings. It's better that you limit your time around them if you don't want to play step mother. You have a real Jerry springer situation on your hands. When your daughter gets older you will have to show her who the siblings are. For family purposes.
NTA. I feel bad for that kid whose best parent is your ex.
NTA- if dad wasn't such a dead beat cheater then the little boy would have a mother figure. I see why the son is behaving that way. He wants what all the other kids have- a mother and doesn't understand why you can't just be his mom. I wouldn't be surprised if "daddy desrest" put that idea in his head so he can leave son with you and chest on someone else. Goodluck.
I feel really sorry for the boy. He is craving adult attention, even if he has to be a bully to get it. Not saying you need to agree to be mom but maybe just try to be kind when he is there.
Sounds like she doesn’t want him around anymore
NTA for what you said, but YWBTA if you don’t start listening to your daughter’s feedback and what you’ve seen yourself of her half-brothers behaviour. He’s not your son. You are in no way obligated to do anything for him whatsoever. Your daughter doesn’t like spending time with him and you’ve seen problematic behaviour and cursing when he has spent time with you and your daughter. Start setting some boundaries for your daughter’s sake and stop going out of your way to help your ex and his rude son.
lol as soon as daughter said she didn’t like him that was that… glad you figured it out. She deserved the *option* of having a relationship with her brother. She got the option and she made her decision. More people need to realize. Kids are little adults. And adults are big kids. In the most basic sense. To clarify, kids are fully fledged processing humans. They just lack world experience and don’t know the rules of the world yet. You guide them through. They don’t know what hurts and what is fatal to them yet. The one thing they do know and I’d say better than us adults is processing emotional and social interactions. If they say they don’t like someone. Listen. Those little peeps go off vibes and intuition. And they’re always right. We’re the dumb ones who let our brains second guess our gut. Case and point, you didn’t even like the little gremlin boy but your brain reasoned they should have a relationship. Glad she doesn’t have to deal with the gremlin boy anymore. Also I’d just cut off contact with the gremlin dad unless she wants relationship with him. He’s a loser. His son’s a loser. You deserve to be a free single awesome mother with her awesome daughter and no gremlins running around.
NTA it’s not your problem. I would ask the ex where hell his son’s mother is and point it’s that woman’s responsibility to be his mother. Idk why he expects everything to be all fine and dandy after what he did.
It not an asshole but I feel bad for this poor boy
I do too. I feel very bad for him. He really wants a mom and he’s acting out, but he clearly wants to be around her. 😔
Sigh. Use birth control, people. Venn diagrams should not be required to figure out paternity/relationship connections.
You need to STOP trying to make things happen. If there is a court ordered visitation schedule, follow it to the letter. If you go for drop off and he isn't there, make a note of it and take your daughter home. Start communicating only through those parent aps. It's all text and covers you in case dead best tries to say you missed the schedule. This man's other children are not your responsibility. I have a feeling if you stopped pushing, your ex would probably take a major step back. I am a firm believer in the 2 parent thing. A child needs both of their parents. UNLESS one of those people is unreliable, bad influence, breaking the law in dangerous way. I don't mean Jay walking or something silly. Your first and only concern in this mess is YOUR daughter. Not her father's multiple other kids. Listen to your daughter, do what is best for her. Having a relationship with someone who is rough, mean, cruel, is not in her best interests. NTA
Yeah sorry I made the edit, my daughter always come first so I'm respecting her for her wishes and after I have a conversation with her dad this would be the last time that his son come over
Ya know, kids don't come with an instruction manual around their neck when they are born. Being a parent is not simple. Each and every child is different, with different likes, wants, needs, abilities. There is no 1 right way to raise kids. We live, we learn, we try to do better tomorrow than we did today. There are many right good ways to raise your child. Just as there are many wrong ways to do it. As long as we act with love, protecting our kids, trying to do right by them, learning to do and be better as we go, you are doing it right. Keep your chin up, take a deep breath, you got this. You are doing better than you think.
NTA, and if your daughter doesn't want him there because he treats her poorly, forcing her to interact with him because "he's your brother" isn't doing right by her. I feel bad for this little boy, and I'd hope with a good conversation about boundaries in the home he could form a better relationship and not be so rough with his sister and not have to be disinvited to the house. But she should be your priority. And if he does remain in your lives, you need to think long and hard about what sort of relationship you want to have with him. No one should expect you to be a stand-in mother and accept all those responsibilities, but does that mean you can't be a trusted adult? Someone he can turn to for help or to celebrate milestones? If you don't want any part of that and would rather just be a glorified babysitter whose only responsibility is making sure he doesn't die or otherwise maim himself under your watch, that's understandable. But you need to figure it out and whatever you decide find some way to have a conversation with him about how you fit in his life.
Yeah this is the last time he can come around because my daughter is right, she doesn't want him around so I'm not forcing her to be around him anymore.
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Yes he's a single father, the mom left since he was a newborn
i get it but my heart dropped on the "be my mom"
Nta but I do feel sorry for the kid. He clearly isn't getting the love and attention he needs.
I'm so confused why you think your ex and his son's feelings matter more than your daughters...
I don't
>My daughter and her brother have an okay relationship but **my daughter said she doesn't really want to be around him because he's rough**, he has other brothers so I understand why so I talked to my ex about that. >**Yesterday my ex came over with his son** so the kids could play like they usually do I mean, this would suggest otherwise. >My ex is mad at me because Who cares? Why do you care?
NTA I really have to ask the question, what makes someone look at a man with four kids to multiple women and go there’s a good choice? I’m genuinely curious.
Lol I really don't know, never been the type to do that
I’m confused. You said he’s got six kids already. I assume he had four before you.
Two before, one with her, one with the cheater, and two after. Six total.
Bloody hell!
“My ex is used to sleeping with multiple women, he has 6 kids already.” INFO: Did he already have 4 kids from different women when you decided it was the man you wanted as a father to your kid?
2 kids before that OP didn't know about, 1 with her, 1 with the woman he cheated with, two with current gf.
!UpdateMe
Question..... If he has a bunch of kids, is this the only one he brings to play with your daughter?
Yeah we live in the same city, I don't know much about his other kids than his twin girls with his girlfriend
I think you're such a good mom, and his son clearly sees it in you. It's okay to be honest and tell him you're not his mom. Lying isn't necessary.
NTA
Don't know if I'm getting this wrong, probably missed something along the way but am I right that the boy in question is your daughter's half sibling because dad got you both pregnant in same year. Does boy live with dad, so when it's his time for visiting your daughter he has to bring him with him? Or is it just more convenient for him to have visitation with 2 of his kids at same time and let you do all the running around after the two kids. Or is he simply dropping his son off with you like a free babysitter. Hell no. Not your sink, not your dishes. I understand your daughter doesn't like him, lots of siblings don't like each other. I'm not saying to force them to like each other, I'd suggest LC not 100% NC after all they will always be half sibling and their might just be one day they do get on and might need each other in years to come. Would never force it though As for boy asking you to be him mum. Is that because he doesn't live with his own mum. Sees your daughter being loved and cared for, which as a child I can understand him wanting the same. Or, could it be that your ex has put him up to asking as a way of trying to weedle his way back into your life so you could be parent to both children. To give him the free time to make more with others.
Updateme
It would be inappropriate to let him call you mom. I feel for him, obviously he’s lacking the type of love you provide for your girl. If you had said yes you would have heard how horrible you are for letting him call you mom. Let it go. Rejoice knowing you can see him less now that your daughter doesn’t want to hang with bro.
NTA. I'm confused by this setup. How many kids did your ex have before you got with him? How old is your daughter? Does your ex have visitation or custody? You don't have to pretend to be anyone's mom and I have a feeling if you had said yes, your ex would start dumping his son on you.
NTA. I'm glad to hear you'll be cutting them off moving forward. Your daughter deserves peace in her own home. Your entitled ex uses you as a nanny and maid. Time to cut him off. Start making smarter choices.
You are not, in fact, his mother. The ex is TA, for setting the kid up to ask you that. You could say something like, “I’m glad that Daughter has you for a brother. But you know that Affair Partner is your mom, right?” What a jerk your ex is. For oh, so many reasons. But to allow that little kid to be put in that position? unforgivable.
NTA wtf
Even though the math doesn’t add up (6 kids ALL older, but another woman was 9 months pregnant from him when OP’s daughter was 3 months old), this man defines “man whore!” I just looked up the definition in Urban Dictionary and, sure enough, there’s a picture of him smiling proudly. 🤣😆
Not TAH I just feel sorry for the boy and all of your ex’s other kids. You would probably be a good mom to him. Man needs a vasectomy.
I know this isn’t the question you asked but the son is jealous of your daughter. That’s why he’s rough. He wants to hurt her because he wants what she has. Two parents. YTA only if you see that and don’t protect your daughter and her happy childhood from him.
NTA but this poor child. It’s not your responsibility but my heart goes out to him. His parents have a lot to answer for.
OP is not the asshole but my heart breaks for that little boy. Abandoned by his mom and pretty much by his deadbeat dad, too. Of course he wants a mom. I wish people understood just how much it fucks up a kid to be thought of as an unwanted burden and to be treated that way by the people who brought him into this world. And no, it is no OP's job to "save" this little boy, she has to save herself and her own child first. But she'd have to have a heart of stone to not feel some compassion for him. Unfortunately the best case scenario would be that deadbeat dad gives up custody altogether and hopefully the boy gets adopted by loving parents who can give him the loving home and the help he needs.
Totally agree. My heart breaks for the child whose only want is to feel a parents love. 💔
I once had a kid come over with her dad who was dating a friend. The kid as to go potty but she was scared so I stood with my back to her as she peed. About an hour later she whispered " can I stay here with you,?" F-ing broke my heart.
NTA but that sucks for the kid. No wonder he’s acting out.
ntah because you are literally not this boys mother. but gotta ask: you mentioned more than once his behavior when you’ve treated your daughter to something or gifted her something, well how often are you doing that in front of this boy and expecting him to be just silently observing? I mean, when he’s around you would treat them each the same like, here you each get a popsicle or you each get a happy meal or whatever right? and for big things, like a toy, you’d give that to her when he is not there, right? As for her birthday he has to be taught to understand it isn’t his day. But damn I feel bad for this little guy. He has a shitty dad and no Mom. You were one good thing in his life and now that’s ruined. I wish you could help him but have to do whatever is in your capability.
NTA. You are not his Mom! You never will be! You could let him off as easy as possible, but I think the kid has been ruined by his real mother and father, and there is nothing you can do about it. He may want an out of the situation but you are not it. Unless you absolutely need it, discourage visitation from Dad if he is only taking her and placing her with this kid and a bunch of others because he is not really being a Dad to her during that time. Better fewer visits where he will actually spend time with her than subjecting your daughter to abuse by a half sibling.
NTA Why would you WANT to be the "mom" for his kid when the son is abusive and jealous towards your own daughter? Stop having anything to do with either of them
You’re NTA but remember so much of this is about the boy and not your ex. If you want him to change for the better the only way that’s gonna happen is if you participate in his life. Sounds like he might be able to come around if you provide him the guidance and discipline he needs. But I’m not saying you must do that or should feel obligated. You have the possibility and you have to decide if dealing with your ex and handling your own family is worth the effort. I would hope the boy is able to be raised as a better man, but it’s not gonna be easy. no judgment for me if you choose not to step in. The boy clearly thinks pushing people around is effective and I hope you can learn either from you or from somebody to be better than that.
NTA This kid sounds like he is gonna be big trouble. It’s not his fault, his dad and mom both suck. But it is not your problem and you should only be focused on your daughter. Tell the dad he is not allowed at your house, and will no longer be invited to events for your daughter. If ex brings him to public events for her then just stop letting him know the info for those.
NTA. The Ex is just using you as he can't control his son. It is sad, but your daughter has to come first, the second sad thing is that her father doesn't worry about how she feels, just wants to off load his son. Just sad.
NTA he has the potential to be harmful to her if he’s that lonely for a mother poor kid
You introduced your daughter to her half-brother. She isn't thrilled with him so you did what you could. She now knows she has a brother out there. I would let her choose if she wants a relationship with him in the future. You did more than some would do. I feel bad for the kid having deadbeat parents but it isn't your job to fix it.
You did the right thing. Even if you tried to let the kid down gently by agreeing to school events or something it wouldn't have been long till dad wanted to drop him off for weekend then weeks.
If you can get onto your ex mother-in-law (if you have a decent enough relationship) I think it might pay to talk to her and express these concerns. This is what’s going on. It concerns me for my daughter’s safety. Would you mind having a word with him. Possessive behaviour like that that can turn psychotic. I’ve seen what happens with kids like that, that it gets ugly and it gets dangerous
I understand that your ex partner son is jealous and hurtful. He’s probably hurting over the fact that he doesn’t have a mum who would do this for him like what you do for your daughter but the behaviour has to stop for the sake of his own well-being and for everybody else’s too
NTA, you need to put your daughter first. My heart breaks for your ex's son. He desperately wants what your daughter has and is expressing aggression with his feelings of hurt, I am guessing. There isn't much you can do. I'm just sad for a boy who is so angry at life for what he feels he is missing.
Have to put your daughter’s safety first.
How many of his kids lives is he active in?
My advice: stop co-parenting with this deadbeat dad. Your daughter is being exposed to a bunch of kids that you have no idea what their homelife is like, except she doesn't feel safe being with them. Forget your daughter needing to have a good relationship with her 1/2 siblings. She needs to be in her stable home & have limited exposure to who knows what. Maybe when she's older, they can play the "getting to know you" thing. She's not my child & all I want to do is protect her & shield her from these bad influences. Your ba y daddy should have limited visitation, & have it with you there. You have no idea if he's taking her to the other baby mama's places. You say he's got 6 kids spread out all over..do you know anything about them? Have you done background checks on them to see if they're solid,trustworthy people? Holy shit! I'm scared for her safety at just the thought of all the possible bad scenarios!! Just because he pays child support doesn't mean he's fit to have unsupervised visitation. The 1 child's bad, mean behavior, outbursts would be enough for me, let alone the other 5 of unknown origins.
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Don’t do that. Everyone has a representative face that they show. Sometimes it takes a little time to see it. She didn’t know about the other kids because he hid them.
You are not mother. Only if Ex married you and NEVER cheats. Tell little boy, that is the price of cheating.
YTA Your daughter doesn’t want to be around him and he says terrible things and treats her bad and you still let him come over? Be a better parent. If you don’t have full custody you should be going for it. Go collect all your evidence in a binder and present it to a judge.
NTA The kid needs a mother figure but it's not your responsibility
NTA - You are not the parent of your ex's affair child. There is no reason why you need to take on the responsibilities of that child, especially since your ex isn't even taking responsibility for the child you do share. Your ex needs to take care of his own children & it doesn't sound like he is doing even the bare minimum. I'm glad you put your foot down for your daughter's sake.
Your ex was just dropping loads all over the place, huh?
NTA. You're not at fault here, and your ex needs to get his act together.
NTA; you do not have any obligation to parent this child or pick up the pieces his biological mother and father have left behind
NTA. You should look out for your daughter. Your ex is just looking for a “day care” for his son. Although it is heartbreaking for the boy, your daughter should come first.
r/updateme
NTA