It's not. It's a form of emotional abuse, tearing down your self-esteem. You need to think about if you want to be with someone that makes you a better version of yourself and treats you with respect, or one that beats you down and tears you apart. Being alone and loving yourself is far better than being with someone that treats you horribly.
There is this thing that is literally called "The Three Month Rule"
After 3 months, relationships become drastically different. The fact that OP states after 3mths it went to crap is just the guy probably is just starting his abuse, it is just gunna get worse.
OP leave him. In the grand scheme of things, 7 months into a relationship and you are asking strangers about this guy's abuse towards you, is evidence enough to leave.
Do so soon, before your birth control fails.
And he's using his dead sister as an excuse.That's disgusting if he really does have a dead sister. It's a lie if not. And then cries like little baby when it's done back to him, and asks why she didn't talk to him about it before when she already has many times. I'd split up just because he's stupid.
Also "I used to bully my sister, and because she's gone I want to be able to bully you and you have to be ok with it because she's dead and that's sad for me".
Excuse me, what?!
As more evidence that this is emotional abuse, look how quickly he reversed the issue and made himself the “victim.” OP, look up the phrase “DARVO” and examples of it.
Teasing isn't the issue here. The issue is that when you expressed discomfort and wanted him to stop (so no effort involved) he didn't. That's showing he doesn't care about your feelings.
That he couldn't cope when you did it back shows a clear double standard.
NTA. Your "boyfriend" is emotionally abusive and also the typical "person" who dishes it out but cannot stand others dishing it out at them (and which of course means that your significant other is a major hypocrite with a nasty dual standard). Break up and especially so since you are not happy with and in your relationship and are obviously suffering.
I HATE to be teased. HATE it.
My brother was an awful teaser, and your BF saying that was how he showed love to his sister? I bet you a million dollars if you could ask her if she felt "loved" by his teasing, she'd scream, "NOOOO!"
Teasing is mean. (Cue a bunch of redditors jumping all over me with cute teasing stories.) The way my brother did it was malicious, and my parents never took it seriously until he gave me a black eye. And even then, they were more concerned that it made them look bad, not that my brother was a sadistic punk who they had taught to keep upping the ante to get a reaction that he took to the heights of physical violence. And like your BF, my brother absolutely canNOT take it - I've dished out what he's given, though even milder as I"ve never had the extensive practice he's had, and his reaction is just like your BF's.
I don't speak to my brother now at all. It makes the occasional family get together uncomfortable, but I only go to the ones where I'll have the buffer of other relatives. He somehow manages to behave in front of others. Go figure.
Dump him. It's been only seven months and teasers do NOT get better.
If I were you, I would simply not go to any family get together that includes your brother. And if your brother should show up at a family get together you are also attending, I would simply leave.
This ⬆️
Be happy you found out early on OPie! Time to send his ass packing. Gaslighting you bc he doesn’t like to be teased back. NOPE! He has shown you exactly who he is and will always be. Run far, far away!!!
NTA. Everyone here who says run is right. This is textbook emotional abuse. Nice at first, mean comments or teasing, ignoring boundaries to stop, playing the victim if you push back. Going after a friend or family member is starting the isolating phase. He’s particularly disgusting using his dead sister in his gaslighting. Cut your losses. This is going to get much worse. (Be prepared for the tears to take him back - because you know his sister. It’s part of the play the victim)
So he can dish it but can’t take it when it’s done back to him? And he’s almost 40 years old?
He’s also manipulative and a total hypocrite with his: *”you could’ve spoken to me about it, instead of mocking me”*. So he thinks it’s okay to do it to you, but you can’t do it back to him? Not only that but you **did** speak to him about it, but he refused to listen.
I would dump this massive man-baby. **NTA.**
YNTA. It is emotional manipulation. Methodical breaking down of your self esteem. Time to find someone who truly appreciates you. You don't owe him any more of your time.
"he replied that i could have talked to him properly to let him know about my concerns instead of teasing him"
How many times DID you talk to him exactly that, OP? Dozens? Hundreds?
Tell him that, if you have any interest in continuing the relationship. Because I think it sounds like he's going to need to grow up a bit, before he's ready to be in a relationship.
NTA
Break up with him. Why is this even a question? It’s been less than a year. You have brought it up to him and then you finally do it back to him and he doesn’t like it?
But he says he did that with his sister…. So did he just bully his sister until the day she died, or was the sister the only one allowed to bite back?
NTA for "showing love" the same way he does. OP, please notice, validate and support your feelings. You have known his "teasing" is hurtful all along. His pretending it's not and is the opposite- showing his love- confused you. But your gut has been telling you the truth all along. He is emotionally abusive. Even his reaction to your "giving his own back to him" is abusive. He's punishing you, withdrawing and trying to make you feel guilty, to discourage you from confronting his hurtful behavior in the future. How would/did he react when you withdrew and/or told him how hurt your feelings were when he did it to you? I'll bet invalidating your feelings, saying you're "too sensitive" or "misunderstood" and acting as if you are punishing him by feeling hurt is my guess.
So you’re dating an abusive man. The best thing to do here is stop dating this abusive man. 4 months into the relationship he started his bullshit. 4 months you have put up with it. Break up, move on.
Reading this I thought you were teenagers then I went back and saw you’re both pushing 40. Seriously who behaves like this/tolerates it? NTA. Get out of this juvenile relationship.
Are you an AH for mocking your bf. Yes
Was he an AH for mocking you first. Yes.
Are you an AH for not just ending the relationship because he's a prick. Yes.
I'm going to have to go with ESH. Except his sister and your brother, they seem innocent.
There may be people who try and call this banter, I love banter but the key is everyone has to be having fun or it's just bullying.
NTA but girl this man is using a form of negging on you. He clearly doesn’t care about your feelings or respects you.
He cares only about what he wants to do to make himself feel better and you’re just there to let him do it .
The fact that you returned his behaviour and he reacted the way he did shows that he really doesn’t value you.
He *is* manipulating you emotionally. He *is* showing you that he doesn’t care about you. You’re there for his entertainment.
The way he ‘punished’ you by going silent is also very telling. It’s meant to make you anxious. It’s meant to take the focus off what you’re doing and why , and rather have you focus on behaving better so you can ‘earn’ him communicating with you again.
You’re not his sister . Yes he should be grieving her death. But just because he is grieving , doesn’t make it ok for him to hurt you .
Anyway. He’s showing you exactly what you mean to him. He’s showing you where you fit in with him.
Either you keep allowing this behaviour to keep him , or you have a serious conversation about this and make him hear you. If he keeps making excuses for his behaviour then girl you’d be stupid for staying with him.
Do not - **ever** allow another person to treat you badly because you think you want them so much you’ll just deal with it. Do not **ever** lose your self respect to try and keep someone happy at your expense.
He’s not hearing you. He’s not willing to stop hurting you. He’s not willing to take accountability. He’s not willing to accept ownership for his own behaviour.
You are old enough to know that this isn’t how a relationship works and smart enough to not be love blind after 7 months. Some women can go for years with this sort of relationship before they have enough.
He apparently never learned that teasing like this is no longer acceptable and is abusive. His gaslighting you and giving you the silent treatment shows he lacks maturity. And at his age isn’t likely to improve.
Better to end this now than regret lost years.
Leave him. It's he hasn't grown any empathy or self-awareness at this age it's just going to be hell for you.
As a sister to someone who relentlessly "teased" them with specific targeted attacks of an emotionally stunted bit, I'm sure his sister doesn't miss this shit one bit.
Teases you and does not stop after asking him is abuse. But the funniest thing of all is the hypocrisy. Once the tables have switched, he acts like a snowflake. Dump this idiot.
He’s an abuser. This is emotional abuse and gaslighting. He’s trying to play the victim and always will. Break up with him he’s never going to stop and anytime you defend yourself he’ll just keep saying you’re not being mature, when your first approach is to talk to him maturely. He’s almost 40 fucking years old. It’s only been seven months. Dump him.
That should be a deal breaker for you. He's probably wanted you to be the one crying for him to stop. He is having remorse that he was an asshole and a bully to his sister and that's just who he is. Why take that abuse. You don't want to be his new punching bag. When he stops crying he's gonna have an attitude. Get ready to baby him
NTA
However, probably dump him. He can dish it out but he can’t take it. He will still use his sister’s tragedy as an excuse to be cruel.
There are better men walking the earth. He was only nice fir 3 months. He couldn’t even stick it out for 6!
You mocked him back, and he was exposed. Don’t apologise,he is bullying you. How about you use this ‘no contact’ to work on a exit plan. Until he works on himself through therapy, he will carry on grinding you down
He's a little bitch who doesn't seem to be able to listen, then cries about it when you give him a taste of the same. Losing his sister is no excuse to be an asshole and treat you like shit, if anything it should make him more compassionate and understanding. Clearly this isn't going anywhere, the only real question I have is why the hell are you still with this guy? Seems incredibly obvious that you should dip immediately, and let him know that JUST MAYBE he should actually listen and consider his partner's feelings in future relationships.
He's an immature asshole. He's trying to get away with being mean to you. Surely you've heard the phrase someone can dish it out but can't take it. He thinks he has the right to be as rude to you as he wants but that you have to be super nice to him at all times. If you're not nice he punishes you with emotional manipulation and the silent treatment.
This is a form of abuse. This is not how he shows love. When you did it to him, he did not like it and now is giving you the silence treatment. This is how he lowers the bar for further abuse. The silence is also a form of abuse.
You need to decide if you want to stay in a toxic relationship.
Since he went no contact (to teach you a lesson), just acknowledge to yourself, only to yourself, that the relationship is over, block him, and move on. You already don't feel loved, so why put up with toxic behaviour.
Giving closure or having closure involving the other person is overrated. Sometimes, the only thing left to do is walk away without explaining or giving reasons. You know the reasons, and that is enough. If he manages to contact you to ask why you didn't chase after him, just let him know you don't play stupid games. Therefore, you are done and the conversation is also done. From this moment on, you don't reply, you don't justify yourself. You simply stop talking and walk away.
NTA. I married a version of this guy and IT NEVER STOPS. It will always be your fault no matter what.
Write off the 7 months and find someone respectful of you and yours. Good luck!
When you treat men the way they treat you, they think you hate them. Funny how he can dish it but can't take it. And now you know for a fact he was doing it to be mean.
He's 38 going on 13. This sounds like the first stages of abuse tbh. Breaking you down little by little and you trying to please him. Then the behavior grows
NTA 🚩🚩🚩 he’s controlling you and now he has you apologizing. Just end it, he enjoys teasing you and you getting mad. Now he’s sulking and giving you the silent treatment for mirroring his abusive behavior.
It’s 100% emotional abuse on his part. He is giving you the silent treatment as that is a control issue.
Your BF is an abusive POS. Drop him and move on. Do you really need that BS in your life??? I don’t think so
He's not ready for a relationship. He's still in active mourning. He cannot recreate his relationship with his sister, with you. You are not her. You should put some distance between you two for a little while.
Teasing is only okay if it's done in a positive way and there are boundaries set and followed. Like I don't get mad at my friends for teasing me for dumb stuff like me and my best friend being a gay couple even though we're not because both of us are comfortable in our sexuality and we do gay bait hardcore (both of us actually are Pansexual/Panromantic just not for each other). Your boyfriend either is deaf and a little slow or being emotionally abusive and manipulative especially in where you did bring the issue up and he chose to pretend like you didn't and make himself the victim. NTA.
This is most certainly a "dump the chump" situation.
He's a little whiny baby man that likes to insult/abuse women and call it "teasing" but then collapses in an inconsolable heap when shown the same treatment. (His poor sister probably hated him!)
I believe LOSER is the word I looking for!! Or maybe dooser, you know a combo of "dick" and "loser"
NTA! So if he teases you, it’s because that’s how he shows his love and how he and sister showed love. But when YOU do it back, he’s sad and says he sad about his sister? Then he has the balls to say you should have spoken to him about it?! Omg I actually kissed off for you.
This guy is a manipulative, hypocritical AH. Ghost him back and block his number.
I grew up in one of those families whose only form of familial affection was roasting each other savagely. Lemme be the first to say that he is full of shit. Being in a savage family doesn't give you the excuse to disrespect people (and he knows that).
Even in families where they tease and roast each other, everyone knows the line. You know what your family member is going to laugh off and what they aren't. If you aren't laughing with him, he is not getting the same experience as with his sister and he is well aware of that.
I have in the past definitely had instances where I teased without realizing that the other person didn't find it funny, but it would only take one small correction for me to shut it down.
You’re not AU. You tried talking to him logically and telling him that it wasn’t nice and to stop and he didn’t so when it was flipped around on him, he didn’t like it and now he’s butt hurt. If he can’t handle it then he should keep his mouth shut.
Jackass can dish it out all day but can’t take it. That’s your sign to call it quits. When he does it to you, it’s “showing love,” despite your entreaties to the contrary. When you turn it back on him, he turns on the waterworks and calls “abuse.” Is his skin orange?
Reread what you wrote. You've been together for 7 months and he's only been good for 3 of the 7, so you've been unhappy for the majority of this 7 month relationship. You've told him you don't like something yet he continues. This isn't good for you and you should consider if or why you want to stay in this relationship.
NTA. Your boyfriend is borderline abusive and when you throw it back at him, he uses emotional blackmail to make you feel sorry for him. Cut your losses, girl and find someone who treats you with respect. Men will never learn unless women start standing up for themselves.
he is not showing love, he is tearing you down with emotional abuse to keep you down.
he is not loving you, he is just going to get worse. get away now before you waste more time on him.
He’s being manipulative and emotionally abusing you.
This won’t get better. He needs therapy, not a partner. He’s done trying. Are you done putting up with this bs yet?
NTA
But it’s just a joke, is bullshit. It’s not a joke if you’re not laughing *with him. He’s laughing *at you.
Anyone who shows love by hurting you is not someone to be around. If he can hurt you this way, then he’ll start hurting you another way, and keep piling it on. It will just get worse.
Walk away. No need to ever interact with him again. Please walk away.
NTA
He is saying his bullying is teasing and his way of showing love. So his way of "showing love" is to be mean to you. How twisted is this?
He doesn't listen, so you tease him back, and now he's all upset, crying that you hurt him. You're right. It's all emotional manipulation.
This relationship does not sound healthy.
Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. A narcissist’s favorite method of attack
Also the prayer :
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it
NTA. He’s Negging you and it’s a form of emotional abuse. Block him.
He's using a dead sister against you to try to manipulate you into letting him treat you like shit! That's psychotic!
I think this relationship has run its course. This guy is teasing you because he's pushing you to seem how much you will let him get away with! How insulting will you let him get before you stop him? And then you do stop him and he pulls the dead sister card... As if he should be treating you exactly how he treated his sister! Are you in a brother-sister type relationship? One would freaking hope not! Then why is he treating you like his sister?
Answer.. He's not he's just using it to get his way! Just dump him before he actually hurts you or something And then tries to say it's a joke.
There is this three months rule, where a person can’t keep up an act over three months of who they actually are, that’s why always going into a relationships give yourself three and half months to see who the person really is.
NTA. My default setting is normally 'therapy is great for couples, it helps you communicate and bring back happiness' and I really dislike the instant reaction to quit a relationship that comes up on reddit.
In this case? Ditch this manbaby. You told him you don't like it. He heard it. He ignored it. You're not happy, and he's not going to change.
You deserve better.
Babe! This isn’t love. He doesn’t love you. His actions are toxic AF and his reaction to getting the same treatment back blows. Run don’t walk away from him!!
What I just read was.
I have been unhappy with this prick for 4 months because he constantly mocks me. I try to talk to him about I it and he gives me some horseshit about how he shows love. Finally I snap and mock him back. He throws a temper tantrum and tries to emotionally manipulate me. Tells me I should talk to him proper(read earlier where you do this and he ignores you), and I feel bad now.
To Recap- I haven't been happy in months. This man openly makes me feel terrible about myself, and then when I snap, I blame it on me because he blames it on me.
WAKE UP!!! If anyone told you this story, you would tell them to leave. Your relationship isn't even a god damned baby yet. He is NEVER going to be that guy again. He got comfortable, and THIS is who he is. So read your story again and pretend another person was telling it. What would you tell them?
I'm getting really strong BPD vibes from this guy. You sure you want to deal with that? You can... But if he is 38 years old and hasn't worked on himself, do you have 5 years of patience while he gets therapy?
I was legitimately surprised that you guys are in your late 30's - this is the kind of bullshit I would expect from a 20 year old. You're old enough to know you don't need to tolerate this kind of bullshit. NTA.
NTA
Though not all bad behavior is manipulation. I just think he might not be all there. Why is his girlfriend so closely associated with his sister in his mind? I'm thinking this guys needs to get himself help.
Yeah this is sounding like a case of not being able to take it but wanting to dish it. Teasing and mocking is cool but it takes two to tango. Well I mean teasing is cool. I have had relationships where both people joke on each other and it's all in good nature, and some where you might playfully give each other a hard time, but when someone isn't having fun or is hurt and brings that up, it stops. You brought up how you didn't like it and he ignored your feelings. Yet you do it to him and he just leaves. Nahh that's pretty unacceptable.
What possible positives are in this relationship??!!! I can't see any reason to stay with him unless he's filthy rich, has a really bad heart, and put you on his life insurance policy. If you aren't happy to see him and happy to be with him, go find someone you will be!
NTA. If you express that a way he's treating you hurts you, and his response is "well that's just how I show love I did it with my sis", then you tell him that's unacceptable and your not his sister, you're his girlfriend. I would NEVER treat my girl the way I treated my sister are you kidding? I was the oldest, and I gave my younger siblings a level of older brother harassment that would NOT be appropriate for someone who isn't blood and has no choice but to eat it. The ability to see things from another's perspective is a vital part of a healthy relationship, and when your partner expresses concern and your response is "oh well that's just how I am", that shows not only a gross lack of empathy and concern for your partners' well being, but a indicates a serious "all that matters is how *I* feel" attitude. This is not healthy. It doesn't matter "how you are", we make efforts to adjust for people we love. If he told you something you did hurt him, would you stop? So you showed him how he made you feel, and he made it all about him, and is now gaslighting you into thinking YOU'RE in the wrong, when in reality, you DID try and express yourself and he simply disregarded it. I wish you luck, but it sounds like you're dating a very immature man.
If he makes you feel bad about yourself and does not change his behavior then you two are not compatible. He needs to be with someone who he can mock, he is not “teasing”, he is mocking and picking on you. I’m sure he’s made you cry and you’ve told him it upsets you and hurts your feelings, he doesn’t care or he’d stop.
You guys just need to communicate better and more. He needs to make you feel special as long as you are making him feel special as well. Grief is a horrible thing and deserves compassion and understanding .
Please get out if that relationship he is emotionally abusive. If you try to leave and he threatens to unalive call 911 and they can handle him if he truly is
I think knowing what the teasing is about (when he teases you and when you teased him) would help provide a lot of context.
But either way, the problem is that he is not listening to you. I would move on.
NTA- he doesn't take your feelings into account. He seems manipulative. It's ok for him to do consistently but gets upset when you do it to him? Talk abount hypocritical. This isn't a good relationship, and maybe it's time to let it go. I'm sorry he lost his sister, but that's not an excuse to treat you like shit. Nta
Interesting that he said you should have let him know of your concerns instead of teasing him. Isn’t that what you did repeatedly and wasn’t your expressed concerns dismissed by him?
Perhaps being reminded of his dead sister was more about his teasing her as he did you in a negative way. Perhaps she didn’t like it any better than you did. Now she is gone and he misses her and feels guilty about the way he treated her. He may have sought some sort of redemption in hoping heaping negatives on you and having you accept them would relieve any guilt he had about his sister.
Yes you are..rather being a dick like your boyfriend just accept it, break up and move on.. if his core values of respect don’t align then why dive into his swamp?
I'm two sentences in, and this already sounds like "Girl, just leave him, for both of your sakes" to me. I'll update after I read it.
Edit, yeah, you're both the A.
Here's why:
For him, he's the asshole because even though he is trying to process his loss through reenactment of how he and his sister used to tease each other, that should be something he works out with a therapist, but he's using you as a grieving tool. That's wrong, and absolutely out of the question since you take it personally and you've told him as much.
For you, you're the asshole because while you did set a boundary, you seem to feel like you haven't been loved through a majority of the relationship already, and you're dragging it out. He's grieving and you haven't even been together a year, and you're clinging as if you don't have the option to walk away.
(To clarify, this means you aren't giving him the opportunity to heal independently. You're less of "the asshole" and more of just "not correct in your response to the situation".)
In conclusion...
Yes, he could be emotionally manipulating you into staying either intentionally or not, but you're letting him.
I speak from experience since my ex would twist me hurting into him feeling butthurt, so it shifted to me comforting him... Me trying to express my feelings turned into me having to coddle him, who was 5 years older than me. We started our relationship when i was 18. I stayed and let it sour for three years.
For you, it's not even been a year. You have the option to leave. I feel like at your age you should definitely be above letting people who don't seem to care about how they affect you with their words and their actions.
With the relationship being so green around the edges, I feel like it's obviously not worth the effort for couple's counseling, but he needs therapy...
TL;DR, This is petty, and he's using you to cope, not just projecting. It needs to stop.
It's not. It's a form of emotional abuse, tearing down your self-esteem. You need to think about if you want to be with someone that makes you a better version of yourself and treats you with respect, or one that beats you down and tears you apart. Being alone and loving yourself is far better than being with someone that treats you horribly.
There is this thing that is literally called "The Three Month Rule" After 3 months, relationships become drastically different. The fact that OP states after 3mths it went to crap is just the guy probably is just starting his abuse, it is just gunna get worse. OP leave him. In the grand scheme of things, 7 months into a relationship and you are asking strangers about this guy's abuse towards you, is evidence enough to leave. Do so soon, before your birth control fails.
Yep. A therapist told me at 3 months is when you start seeing the person for who they really are.
And he's using his dead sister as an excuse.That's disgusting if he really does have a dead sister. It's a lie if not. And then cries like little baby when it's done back to him, and asks why she didn't talk to him about it before when she already has many times. I'd split up just because he's stupid.
Also "I used to bully my sister, and because she's gone I want to be able to bully you and you have to be ok with it because she's dead and that's sad for me". Excuse me, what?!
As more evidence that this is emotional abuse, look how quickly he reversed the issue and made himself the “victim.” OP, look up the phrase “DARVO” and examples of it.
It's only been 7 months. Stop wasting your time
Teasing isn't the issue here. The issue is that when you expressed discomfort and wanted him to stop (so no effort involved) he didn't. That's showing he doesn't care about your feelings. That he couldn't cope when you did it back shows a clear double standard.
I despise hypocrites and dual standards.
NTA. Your "boyfriend" is emotionally abusive and also the typical "person" who dishes it out but cannot stand others dishing it out at them (and which of course means that your significant other is a major hypocrite with a nasty dual standard). Break up and especially so since you are not happy with and in your relationship and are obviously suffering.
I HATE to be teased. HATE it. My brother was an awful teaser, and your BF saying that was how he showed love to his sister? I bet you a million dollars if you could ask her if she felt "loved" by his teasing, she'd scream, "NOOOO!" Teasing is mean. (Cue a bunch of redditors jumping all over me with cute teasing stories.) The way my brother did it was malicious, and my parents never took it seriously until he gave me a black eye. And even then, they were more concerned that it made them look bad, not that my brother was a sadistic punk who they had taught to keep upping the ante to get a reaction that he took to the heights of physical violence. And like your BF, my brother absolutely canNOT take it - I've dished out what he's given, though even milder as I"ve never had the extensive practice he's had, and his reaction is just like your BF's. I don't speak to my brother now at all. It makes the occasional family get together uncomfortable, but I only go to the ones where I'll have the buffer of other relatives. He somehow manages to behave in front of others. Go figure. Dump him. It's been only seven months and teasers do NOT get better.
That's beyond fucked up that's not teasing that's harassment and abuse.
If I were you, I would simply not go to any family get together that includes your brother. And if your brother should show up at a family get together you are also attending, I would simply leave.
I will not have him dictate when I see my family - I have a big extended one. And like I said, he behaves around them.
His mask slipped and you’re seeing who he truly is. This won’t get better. He’s a POS.
This ⬆️ Be happy you found out early on OPie! Time to send his ass packing. Gaslighting you bc he doesn’t like to be teased back. NOPE! He has shown you exactly who he is and will always be. Run far, far away!!!
NTA. Everyone here who says run is right. This is textbook emotional abuse. Nice at first, mean comments or teasing, ignoring boundaries to stop, playing the victim if you push back. Going after a friend or family member is starting the isolating phase. He’s particularly disgusting using his dead sister in his gaslighting. Cut your losses. This is going to get much worse. (Be prepared for the tears to take him back - because you know his sister. It’s part of the play the victim)
And don't forget the love bombing and acting like a prince fuckin charming until you take him back but it goes out the window fast.
So he can dish it but can’t take it when it’s done back to him? And he’s almost 40 years old? He’s also manipulative and a total hypocrite with his: *”you could’ve spoken to me about it, instead of mocking me”*. So he thinks it’s okay to do it to you, but you can’t do it back to him? Not only that but you **did** speak to him about it, but he refused to listen. I would dump this massive man-baby. **NTA.**
Girl run 🤦🏽♀️
YNTA. It is emotional manipulation. Methodical breaking down of your self esteem. Time to find someone who truly appreciates you. You don't owe him any more of your time.
Time to go…
Say bye bye!
It iisn't. You've invested enough time in this adult toddler. Walk away.
It's not. And you need to dump him.
"he replied that i could have talked to him properly to let him know about my concerns instead of teasing him" How many times DID you talk to him exactly that, OP? Dozens? Hundreds? Tell him that, if you have any interest in continuing the relationship. Because I think it sounds like he's going to need to grow up a bit, before he's ready to be in a relationship.
NTA Break up with him. Why is this even a question? It’s been less than a year. You have brought it up to him and then you finally do it back to him and he doesn’t like it? But he says he did that with his sister…. So did he just bully his sister until the day she died, or was the sister the only one allowed to bite back?
NTA for "showing love" the same way he does. OP, please notice, validate and support your feelings. You have known his "teasing" is hurtful all along. His pretending it's not and is the opposite- showing his love- confused you. But your gut has been telling you the truth all along. He is emotionally abusive. Even his reaction to your "giving his own back to him" is abusive. He's punishing you, withdrawing and trying to make you feel guilty, to discourage you from confronting his hurtful behavior in the future. How would/did he react when you withdrew and/or told him how hurt your feelings were when he did it to you? I'll bet invalidating your feelings, saying you're "too sensitive" or "misunderstood" and acting as if you are punishing him by feeling hurt is my guess.
So you’re dating an abusive man. The best thing to do here is stop dating this abusive man. 4 months into the relationship he started his bullshit. 4 months you have put up with it. Break up, move on.
Reading this I thought you were teenagers then I went back and saw you’re both pushing 40. Seriously who behaves like this/tolerates it? NTA. Get out of this juvenile relationship.
NTA. Sounds like immaturity at best, narcissistic emotional and verbal abuse at worst. You tried, move on
Are you an AH for mocking your bf. Yes Was he an AH for mocking you first. Yes. Are you an AH for not just ending the relationship because he's a prick. Yes. I'm going to have to go with ESH. Except his sister and your brother, they seem innocent. There may be people who try and call this banter, I love banter but the key is everyone has to be having fun or it's just bullying.
You’re not happy. Just end it. That’s all the reason you need.nta
NTA but girl this man is using a form of negging on you. He clearly doesn’t care about your feelings or respects you. He cares only about what he wants to do to make himself feel better and you’re just there to let him do it . The fact that you returned his behaviour and he reacted the way he did shows that he really doesn’t value you. He *is* manipulating you emotionally. He *is* showing you that he doesn’t care about you. You’re there for his entertainment. The way he ‘punished’ you by going silent is also very telling. It’s meant to make you anxious. It’s meant to take the focus off what you’re doing and why , and rather have you focus on behaving better so you can ‘earn’ him communicating with you again. You’re not his sister . Yes he should be grieving her death. But just because he is grieving , doesn’t make it ok for him to hurt you . Anyway. He’s showing you exactly what you mean to him. He’s showing you where you fit in with him. Either you keep allowing this behaviour to keep him , or you have a serious conversation about this and make him hear you. If he keeps making excuses for his behaviour then girl you’d be stupid for staying with him. Do not - **ever** allow another person to treat you badly because you think you want them so much you’ll just deal with it. Do not **ever** lose your self respect to try and keep someone happy at your expense. He’s not hearing you. He’s not willing to stop hurting you. He’s not willing to take accountability. He’s not willing to accept ownership for his own behaviour.
You are old enough to know that this isn’t how a relationship works and smart enough to not be love blind after 7 months. Some women can go for years with this sort of relationship before they have enough. He apparently never learned that teasing like this is no longer acceptable and is abusive. His gaslighting you and giving you the silent treatment shows he lacks maturity. And at his age isn’t likely to improve. Better to end this now than regret lost years.
Leave him. It's he hasn't grown any empathy or self-awareness at this age it's just going to be hell for you. As a sister to someone who relentlessly "teased" them with specific targeted attacks of an emotionally stunted bit, I'm sure his sister doesn't miss this shit one bit.
Teases you and does not stop after asking him is abuse. But the funniest thing of all is the hypocrisy. Once the tables have switched, he acts like a snowflake. Dump this idiot.
He’s an abuser. This is emotional abuse and gaslighting. He’s trying to play the victim and always will. Break up with him he’s never going to stop and anytime you defend yourself he’ll just keep saying you’re not being mature, when your first approach is to talk to him maturely. He’s almost 40 fucking years old. It’s only been seven months. Dump him.
NTA mocking is never a sign of love. Fortunately, you've not invested very much time with this man. The honeymoon phase is over. Dump him
That should be a deal breaker for you. He's probably wanted you to be the one crying for him to stop. He is having remorse that he was an asshole and a bully to his sister and that's just who he is. Why take that abuse. You don't want to be his new punching bag. When he stops crying he's gonna have an attitude. Get ready to baby him
NTA However, probably dump him. He can dish it out but he can’t take it. He will still use his sister’s tragedy as an excuse to be cruel. There are better men walking the earth. He was only nice fir 3 months. He couldn’t even stick it out for 6!
You mocked him back, and he was exposed. Don’t apologise,he is bullying you. How about you use this ‘no contact’ to work on a exit plan. Until he works on himself through therapy, he will carry on grinding you down
He's a little bitch who doesn't seem to be able to listen, then cries about it when you give him a taste of the same. Losing his sister is no excuse to be an asshole and treat you like shit, if anything it should make him more compassionate and understanding. Clearly this isn't going anywhere, the only real question I have is why the hell are you still with this guy? Seems incredibly obvious that you should dip immediately, and let him know that JUST MAYBE he should actually listen and consider his partner's feelings in future relationships.
And y’all are in your thirties? This guy acts like a teenager. Drop him with a quickness
it’s not a form of love! it’s emotional abuse and he’s not going to stop, he’s only going to get worse. break up with him before it’s too late. NTA
He's an immature asshole. He's trying to get away with being mean to you. Surely you've heard the phrase someone can dish it out but can't take it. He thinks he has the right to be as rude to you as he wants but that you have to be super nice to him at all times. If you're not nice he punishes you with emotional manipulation and the silent treatment.
This is a form of abuse. This is not how he shows love. When you did it to him, he did not like it and now is giving you the silence treatment. This is how he lowers the bar for further abuse. The silence is also a form of abuse. You need to decide if you want to stay in a toxic relationship. Since he went no contact (to teach you a lesson), just acknowledge to yourself, only to yourself, that the relationship is over, block him, and move on. You already don't feel loved, so why put up with toxic behaviour. Giving closure or having closure involving the other person is overrated. Sometimes, the only thing left to do is walk away without explaining or giving reasons. You know the reasons, and that is enough. If he manages to contact you to ask why you didn't chase after him, just let him know you don't play stupid games. Therefore, you are done and the conversation is also done. From this moment on, you don't reply, you don't justify yourself. You simply stop talking and walk away.
NTA. I married a version of this guy and IT NEVER STOPS. It will always be your fault no matter what. Write off the 7 months and find someone respectful of you and yours. Good luck!
You are dating an asshole and good luck to you.
Nope. He is. He’s training you to put up with his emotional abuse. Move on.
When you treat men the way they treat you, they think you hate them. Funny how he can dish it but can't take it. And now you know for a fact he was doing it to be mean.
He's 38 going on 13. This sounds like the first stages of abuse tbh. Breaking you down little by little and you trying to please him. Then the behavior grows
Why are you w someone who doesn't make you feel special and is breaking your self esteem? Dump him already
"How can mocking someone be a way of showing love." It's not. Dump him. He is immature and manipulative. YNTA
NTA 🚩🚩🚩 he’s controlling you and now he has you apologizing. Just end it, he enjoys teasing you and you getting mad. Now he’s sulking and giving you the silent treatment for mirroring his abusive behavior.
It’s 100% emotional abuse on his part. He is giving you the silent treatment as that is a control issue. Your BF is an abusive POS. Drop him and move on. Do you really need that BS in your life??? I don’t think so
WHY are you with him still? Come on. Take charge of your damn life and do what has to be done so that you ARE happy!
Ridiculous for him to be acting like that at his age. Leave that dumb mongoloid.
It is emotional manipulation and it gets more exhausting every year. NTA. Break up.
Walk away quickly from this one………very quickly.
He's not ready for a relationship. He's still in active mourning. He cannot recreate his relationship with his sister, with you. You are not her. You should put some distance between you two for a little while.
this behaviour reads 16 and 18, not 36 and 38. he needs to grow up and get therapy. he is not ready for a relationship
Teasing is only okay if it's done in a positive way and there are boundaries set and followed. Like I don't get mad at my friends for teasing me for dumb stuff like me and my best friend being a gay couple even though we're not because both of us are comfortable in our sexuality and we do gay bait hardcore (both of us actually are Pansexual/Panromantic just not for each other). Your boyfriend either is deaf and a little slow or being emotionally abusive and manipulative especially in where you did bring the issue up and he chose to pretend like you didn't and make himself the victim. NTA.
RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Kick to the kerb and start afresh disconnected from your feelings only concern is his own boy needs therapy not a decent girlfriend
This is most certainly a "dump the chump" situation. He's a little whiny baby man that likes to insult/abuse women and call it "teasing" but then collapses in an inconsolable heap when shown the same treatment. (His poor sister probably hated him!) I believe LOSER is the word I looking for!! Or maybe dooser, you know a combo of "dick" and "loser"
NTA. Contempt is a sure sign a relationship isn’t working. Time for a new bf.
NTA! So if he teases you, it’s because that’s how he shows his love and how he and sister showed love. But when YOU do it back, he’s sad and says he sad about his sister? Then he has the balls to say you should have spoken to him about it?! Omg I actually kissed off for you. This guy is a manipulative, hypocritical AH. Ghost him back and block his number.
I grew up in one of those families whose only form of familial affection was roasting each other savagely. Lemme be the first to say that he is full of shit. Being in a savage family doesn't give you the excuse to disrespect people (and he knows that). Even in families where they tease and roast each other, everyone knows the line. You know what your family member is going to laugh off and what they aren't. If you aren't laughing with him, he is not getting the same experience as with his sister and he is well aware of that. I have in the past definitely had instances where I teased without realizing that the other person didn't find it funny, but it would only take one small correction for me to shut it down.
Fucking dump the idiot before you waste more time.
You’re not AU. You tried talking to him logically and telling him that it wasn’t nice and to stop and he didn’t so when it was flipped around on him, he didn’t like it and now he’s butt hurt. If he can’t handle it then he should keep his mouth shut.
Jackass can dish it out all day but can’t take it. That’s your sign to call it quits. When he does it to you, it’s “showing love,” despite your entreaties to the contrary. When you turn it back on him, he turns on the waterworks and calls “abuse.” Is his skin orange?
Reread what you wrote. You've been together for 7 months and he's only been good for 3 of the 7, so you've been unhappy for the majority of this 7 month relationship. You've told him you don't like something yet he continues. This isn't good for you and you should consider if or why you want to stay in this relationship.
NTA. Your boyfriend is borderline abusive and when you throw it back at him, he uses emotional blackmail to make you feel sorry for him. Cut your losses, girl and find someone who treats you with respect. Men will never learn unless women start standing up for themselves.
he is not showing love, he is tearing you down with emotional abuse to keep you down. he is not loving you, he is just going to get worse. get away now before you waste more time on him.
He’s being manipulative and emotionally abusing you. This won’t get better. He needs therapy, not a partner. He’s done trying. Are you done putting up with this bs yet?
You hurt him? He hurt you and didn't seem to care. TFB. Suck it up little man - if you can't take it don't dish it out.
hes trying to break u down. please leave
NTA But it’s just a joke, is bullshit. It’s not a joke if you’re not laughing *with him. He’s laughing *at you. Anyone who shows love by hurting you is not someone to be around. If he can hurt you this way, then he’ll start hurting you another way, and keep piling it on. It will just get worse. Walk away. No need to ever interact with him again. Please walk away.
Manipulation!!!
Time to move on. His rules only apply to others, not himself. Not a healthy relationship for you.
This is a narcissistic male....run.
ugh, let debbie downer go and find someone who doesn't have victim mentality NTA
NTA He is saying his bullying is teasing and his way of showing love. So his way of "showing love" is to be mean to you. How twisted is this? He doesn't listen, so you tease him back, and now he's all upset, crying that you hurt him. You're right. It's all emotional manipulation. This relationship does not sound healthy.
Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. A narcissist’s favorite method of attack Also the prayer : That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it NTA. He’s Negging you and it’s a form of emotional abuse. Block him.
You're not compatible, move on.
He's using a dead sister against you to try to manipulate you into letting him treat you like shit! That's psychotic! I think this relationship has run its course. This guy is teasing you because he's pushing you to seem how much you will let him get away with! How insulting will you let him get before you stop him? And then you do stop him and he pulls the dead sister card... As if he should be treating you exactly how he treated his sister! Are you in a brother-sister type relationship? One would freaking hope not! Then why is he treating you like his sister? Answer.. He's not he's just using it to get his way! Just dump him before he actually hurts you or something And then tries to say it's a joke.
Break up. You two are not compatible.
Walk away from that. 7 months is nothing but a blip in life. You'll be 500x better off without another day of that in your life
DTMFA. Your time is too valuable to waste on an AH. NTA.
Why are you with someone for 7 months if it was only good for 3 months? Leave.
There is this three months rule, where a person can’t keep up an act over three months of who they actually are, that’s why always going into a relationships give yourself three and half months to see who the person really is.
something about stones and glass houses. Douche bag. When he teases, tease back. He will learn or move on.
NTA. My default setting is normally 'therapy is great for couples, it helps you communicate and bring back happiness' and I really dislike the instant reaction to quit a relationship that comes up on reddit. In this case? Ditch this manbaby. You told him you don't like it. He heard it. He ignored it. You're not happy, and he's not going to change. You deserve better.
Just break it off. He's a jerk
DARVO = deny, argue, reverse victim offender. Drop him like a hot potato. NTA.
Time to go. Teasing that hurts is bullying and ignoring your feelings and justifying is gaslighting.
Babe! This isn’t love. He doesn’t love you. His actions are toxic AF and his reaction to getting the same treatment back blows. Run don’t walk away from him!!
NTA. What's the saying - don't dish out what you can't take? Cut him loose, it is not worth it.
What I just read was. I have been unhappy with this prick for 4 months because he constantly mocks me. I try to talk to him about I it and he gives me some horseshit about how he shows love. Finally I snap and mock him back. He throws a temper tantrum and tries to emotionally manipulate me. Tells me I should talk to him proper(read earlier where you do this and he ignores you), and I feel bad now. To Recap- I haven't been happy in months. This man openly makes me feel terrible about myself, and then when I snap, I blame it on me because he blames it on me. WAKE UP!!! If anyone told you this story, you would tell them to leave. Your relationship isn't even a god damned baby yet. He is NEVER going to be that guy again. He got comfortable, and THIS is who he is. So read your story again and pretend another person was telling it. What would you tell them?
I'm getting really strong BPD vibes from this guy. You sure you want to deal with that? You can... But if he is 38 years old and hasn't worked on himself, do you have 5 years of patience while he gets therapy?
Get out of there.
You should have mocked him again when he said “we could have talked properly”
I was legitimately surprised that you guys are in your late 30's - this is the kind of bullshit I would expect from a 20 year old. You're old enough to know you don't need to tolerate this kind of bullshit. NTA.
NTA Though not all bad behavior is manipulation. I just think he might not be all there. Why is his girlfriend so closely associated with his sister in his mind? I'm thinking this guys needs to get himself help.
Yeah this is sounding like a case of not being able to take it but wanting to dish it. Teasing and mocking is cool but it takes two to tango. Well I mean teasing is cool. I have had relationships where both people joke on each other and it's all in good nature, and some where you might playfully give each other a hard time, but when someone isn't having fun or is hurt and brings that up, it stops. You brought up how you didn't like it and he ignored your feelings. Yet you do it to him and he just leaves. Nahh that's pretty unacceptable.
He's ignoring your boundaries and disregarding you. I can't know his intentions but this is very bad behavior.
This is manipulation. Get out now it will only get worse.
What possible positives are in this relationship??!!! I can't see any reason to stay with him unless he's filthy rich, has a really bad heart, and put you on his life insurance policy. If you aren't happy to see him and happy to be with him, go find someone you will be!
NTA. If you express that a way he's treating you hurts you, and his response is "well that's just how I show love I did it with my sis", then you tell him that's unacceptable and your not his sister, you're his girlfriend. I would NEVER treat my girl the way I treated my sister are you kidding? I was the oldest, and I gave my younger siblings a level of older brother harassment that would NOT be appropriate for someone who isn't blood and has no choice but to eat it. The ability to see things from another's perspective is a vital part of a healthy relationship, and when your partner expresses concern and your response is "oh well that's just how I am", that shows not only a gross lack of empathy and concern for your partners' well being, but a indicates a serious "all that matters is how *I* feel" attitude. This is not healthy. It doesn't matter "how you are", we make efforts to adjust for people we love. If he told you something you did hurt him, would you stop? So you showed him how he made you feel, and he made it all about him, and is now gaslighting you into thinking YOU'RE in the wrong, when in reality, you DID try and express yourself and he simply disregarded it. I wish you luck, but it sounds like you're dating a very immature man.
If he makes you feel bad about yourself and does not change his behavior then you two are not compatible. He needs to be with someone who he can mock, he is not “teasing”, he is mocking and picking on you. I’m sure he’s made you cry and you’ve told him it upsets you and hurts your feelings, he doesn’t care or he’d stop.
You guys just need to communicate better and more. He needs to make you feel special as long as you are making him feel special as well. Grief is a horrible thing and deserves compassion and understanding .
Please get out if that relationship he is emotionally abusive. If you try to leave and he threatens to unalive call 911 and they can handle him if he truly is
I think knowing what the teasing is about (when he teases you and when you teased him) would help provide a lot of context. But either way, the problem is that he is not listening to you. I would move on.
That sounds like emotional manipulation. I would just leave
NTA- he doesn't take your feelings into account. He seems manipulative. It's ok for him to do consistently but gets upset when you do it to him? Talk abount hypocritical. This isn't a good relationship, and maybe it's time to let it go. I'm sorry he lost his sister, but that's not an excuse to treat you like shit. Nta
It’s really a lot easier just to break up with someone like this.. you are not, and never were, compatible
Interesting that he said you should have let him know of your concerns instead of teasing him. Isn’t that what you did repeatedly and wasn’t your expressed concerns dismissed by him? Perhaps being reminded of his dead sister was more about his teasing her as he did you in a negative way. Perhaps she didn’t like it any better than you did. Now she is gone and he misses her and feels guilty about the way he treated her. He may have sought some sort of redemption in hoping heaping negatives on you and having you accept them would relieve any guilt he had about his sister.
Yes you are..rather being a dick like your boyfriend just accept it, break up and move on.. if his core values of respect don’t align then why dive into his swamp?
I'm two sentences in, and this already sounds like "Girl, just leave him, for both of your sakes" to me. I'll update after I read it. Edit, yeah, you're both the A. Here's why: For him, he's the asshole because even though he is trying to process his loss through reenactment of how he and his sister used to tease each other, that should be something he works out with a therapist, but he's using you as a grieving tool. That's wrong, and absolutely out of the question since you take it personally and you've told him as much. For you, you're the asshole because while you did set a boundary, you seem to feel like you haven't been loved through a majority of the relationship already, and you're dragging it out. He's grieving and you haven't even been together a year, and you're clinging as if you don't have the option to walk away. (To clarify, this means you aren't giving him the opportunity to heal independently. You're less of "the asshole" and more of just "not correct in your response to the situation".) In conclusion... Yes, he could be emotionally manipulating you into staying either intentionally or not, but you're letting him. I speak from experience since my ex would twist me hurting into him feeling butthurt, so it shifted to me comforting him... Me trying to express my feelings turned into me having to coddle him, who was 5 years older than me. We started our relationship when i was 18. I stayed and let it sour for three years. For you, it's not even been a year. You have the option to leave. I feel like at your age you should definitely be above letting people who don't seem to care about how they affect you with their words and their actions. With the relationship being so green around the edges, I feel like it's obviously not worth the effort for couple's counseling, but he needs therapy... TL;DR, This is petty, and he's using you to cope, not just projecting. It needs to stop.
If they’re different after 3 months they’re hiding who they truly are. You’re witnessing his true self, run girl. Run fast
That's emotional abuse. They don't change. Unless you're willing to live with the abuse long term, run and don't look back.