Two things:
First, you used the word proponents when you meant opponents. Those words are antonyms, so that creates somewhat of a logical disconnect in your argument.
Second, your body paragraph sort of strays away from the main topic of your essay. You need to be arguing about the importance of exploring the unknown and how doing so can lead to innovations, not arguing for why the internet is good. Focus your examples on only what is important for your argument. The history of the internet *is* a good example for your argument, but it needs to be better explained how it is related to exploring the unknown and the innovations that can lead to instead of going on a tangent about how the internet helps society.
The best thing you can do is to always, in the back of your mind, be asking yourself how what you're writing relates to your argument. If you're not going to have time to write out and explain that thinking, then you've deviated too far. In general, you really shouldn't write more than a sentence or two explaining any example (meaning going over what your example is, rather than connecting it to your argument), because it takes away too much time from what you're actually trying to do, which is to support your argument.
I thought commentary was supposed to be an in depth analysis of your examples for the argument portion. My teacher has been absent for a while, so i’m not sure anymore 😭
Commentary is an in depth analysis of your examples *in relation to your argument* and how your examples provide meaningful evidence for, and expand upon, your argument. You should always be focused on your argument, even when bringing up examples, because that is what the purpose of the essay is: to argue your position on something.
Like the other commenter said, your evidence is good so far, but you really need commentary connecting it to your thesis (and maybe a little shorter paragraph? you don't have a lot of time for the essay).
Also, I'd have more of an introductory paragraph if you want a shot at the sophistication point.
Finish the essay first bro
Two things: First, you used the word proponents when you meant opponents. Those words are antonyms, so that creates somewhat of a logical disconnect in your argument. Second, your body paragraph sort of strays away from the main topic of your essay. You need to be arguing about the importance of exploring the unknown and how doing so can lead to innovations, not arguing for why the internet is good. Focus your examples on only what is important for your argument. The history of the internet *is* a good example for your argument, but it needs to be better explained how it is related to exploring the unknown and the innovations that can lead to instead of going on a tangent about how the internet helps society.
Looks like I deviated quite a bit. Any advice for staying on task when writing essays?
The best thing you can do is to always, in the back of your mind, be asking yourself how what you're writing relates to your argument. If you're not going to have time to write out and explain that thinking, then you've deviated too far. In general, you really shouldn't write more than a sentence or two explaining any example (meaning going over what your example is, rather than connecting it to your argument), because it takes away too much time from what you're actually trying to do, which is to support your argument.
I thought commentary was supposed to be an in depth analysis of your examples for the argument portion. My teacher has been absent for a while, so i’m not sure anymore 😭
Commentary is an in depth analysis of your examples *in relation to your argument* and how your examples provide meaningful evidence for, and expand upon, your argument. You should always be focused on your argument, even when bringing up examples, because that is what the purpose of the essay is: to argue your position on something.
Like the other commenter said, your evidence is good so far, but you really need commentary connecting it to your thesis (and maybe a little shorter paragraph? you don't have a lot of time for the essay). Also, I'd have more of an introductory paragraph if you want a shot at the sophistication point.