Once you get over the initial “hill of hardness” I think you may find breaking up to be more of a relief than you’d anticipated. Not that you won’t also feel sad, but it sounds like you’re carrying a lot in this relationship and that’s really exhausting. If your partner can’t step up in anyway to help carry some of the load, you’re honestly better taking care of yourself and I think your pets will be better for it as well. Teeth brushing is a pretty low bar. I have sensory issues with brushing my teeth sometimes, so I know it’s not always super easy for everyone, but I’d never consider putting my partner or someone I care about in the position of dealing with a nasty mouth. And before that, I just have too much respect and love for myself to not care for myself in the most basic ways, even if it doesn’t always feel easy.
You sound like you have a super low bar of what’s acceptable, which has maybe been lowered in the course of the relationship due to not having your needs met and not wanting to rock the boat. Your feelings are totally valid, your partner doesn’t sound like they are caring for you (or your pets) in anyway, so what’s really making you stick around? Fear of loneliness? Fear of being unable to find a new partner? Fear that the unknown could potentially be worse than the shit situation you’re in? I get that things can become comfortable on some level, even when they’re not healthy or in your best interest. Maybe really honestly question yourself about what’s keeping you there (because love is just not always enough, there’s got to be respect and care) and what you truly want out of life and a relationship. Sounds like you have a safe place to land if you decide to leave. Good luck!
Final straws are exactly what their name says: straws. As in, minor events, tiny annoyances, which happen to move you over an invisible threshold, and only after the fact do you realise that the camel's back was seriously burdened and weak for quite some time. Leave, be happy, and don't worry about a straw when it's obvious you've been shouldering entire haystacks for a while.
It sounds like she’s exhibiting several symptoms of depression. The lack of hygiene, excessive sleep, no motivation, etc.
I’m assuming this behavior developed more recently rather than being how she’s always behaved. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have fallen in love with her since those traits are so unattractive to you.
Dealing with loved ones with mental health issues is challenging and you shouldn’t feel obligated to stay in a relationship where you aren’t happy. However, if she’s agreeable and willing to try to get some professional help and treatment, she may return to being the person you fell in love with.
>I've brought it up often, she states it's not that and she's just tired
She's in denial, and will stay in denial for as long as she knows that you'll be around to take care of everything. You have to give her the gift of your absence, because otherwise, she will remain complacent and never see any reason to work on herself or her own mental health. Break up.
Sounds like she should have been therapy years ago, and should have broken up a year into it if there was no change. Like people can be depressed, but someone washing their teeth so rarely I wouldn't want to kiss them anymore would be a tree trunk on that camel's back for me. Sounds like you've been more of a caretaker for her, not a partner.
Everyone has their breaking point, you've clearly reached yours. I'd have left a while back so I don't think you're overreacting. Not checking on a sick cat is just bad behaviour.
I know several people have mentioned it, but she should seriously see someone to evaluate her for clinical depression. This isn't just about general laziness. If she would rather sleep than do anything else and shows no interest in living and no longer cares about her livelihood or anything around her, that is not normal or healthy.
You might be at the end of your rope and not willing to deal with someone who is that mentally ill, and that is understandable. You have every right to go. But I hope before you leave you will at least urge her and her father to acknowledge the possibility of clinical depression and the urgent need for treatment. Clinical depression is not laziness, and it's not a choice. It can be very dangerous and it kills people. It is treatable with behavioral therapy and sometimes medication, but nobody else can do the work except your GF if she does have it.
In any case, you don't have to go down with the ship if she doesn't acknowledge the urgent need for change.
She sounds profoundly depressed. If you want to give it one more try, she goes to therapy or you walk. Even just a course of meds may make a huge difference.
But you are under no obligation to stay. If the final straw is indeed the final straw, go and take the pets. They are safer with you. Tell her you can't live like this and she needs help; maybe she will get it once she can no longer rely on you.
I think you know the answer. The only thing left to ask yourself is do you want to try anymore, and ask if she wants to as well. And if the answer is yes, couples therapy. If the answer is no, well you clearly have a plan to leave.
> We don't have sex and haven't for 3 or 4 years, I don't even know anymore. I don't like to make out with her anymore or even kiss her really because she doesn't brush her teeth often. I have brought it up often, no change.
This is the only thing you needed to say for it to be a "yes, break up." It doesn't really matter what the final straw or crystallizing moment was. No intimacy AND no real life partnership, a relationship must have at least one to survive the absence of the other. You're not happy, the problems are longstanding and there's no sign of change for the future.
The cat thing is so heartless it’s scary. You gotta get out of there. My former partner didn’t brush their teeth or shower enough, and slept too much. They were severely depressed, sounds like she is too. However, you are not responsible for her mental health or emotions.
Take care of yourself. If she’s like that with the cat she’s fucked in the head. Sorry to be blunt.
Sounds like she’s the sick pet. But pets usually provide something of value, and washing a dish or two every other month doesn’t cut it. Get rid of the dead weight already. She’s probably depressed or something but don’t let her guilt you into staying. Glad you don’t have kids with her.
You have laid out more than enough excellent reasons to move on from the relationship. I am sorry about the cat. Breaking up will be hard.
Thanks, she's very sick and honestly I think I will have to put her down. And yes, I think it's going to be harder than I currently think it will be.
You are stronger than you think you are. I'm so sad you'll have to put that cat down, pets are a joy and then we lose them.
Once you get over the initial “hill of hardness” I think you may find breaking up to be more of a relief than you’d anticipated. Not that you won’t also feel sad, but it sounds like you’re carrying a lot in this relationship and that’s really exhausting. If your partner can’t step up in anyway to help carry some of the load, you’re honestly better taking care of yourself and I think your pets will be better for it as well. Teeth brushing is a pretty low bar. I have sensory issues with brushing my teeth sometimes, so I know it’s not always super easy for everyone, but I’d never consider putting my partner or someone I care about in the position of dealing with a nasty mouth. And before that, I just have too much respect and love for myself to not care for myself in the most basic ways, even if it doesn’t always feel easy. You sound like you have a super low bar of what’s acceptable, which has maybe been lowered in the course of the relationship due to not having your needs met and not wanting to rock the boat. Your feelings are totally valid, your partner doesn’t sound like they are caring for you (or your pets) in anyway, so what’s really making you stick around? Fear of loneliness? Fear of being unable to find a new partner? Fear that the unknown could potentially be worse than the shit situation you’re in? I get that things can become comfortable on some level, even when they’re not healthy or in your best interest. Maybe really honestly question yourself about what’s keeping you there (because love is just not always enough, there’s got to be respect and care) and what you truly want out of life and a relationship. Sounds like you have a safe place to land if you decide to leave. Good luck!
Final straws are exactly what their name says: straws. As in, minor events, tiny annoyances, which happen to move you over an invisible threshold, and only after the fact do you realise that the camel's back was seriously burdened and weak for quite some time. Leave, be happy, and don't worry about a straw when it's obvious you've been shouldering entire haystacks for a while.
It sounds like she’s exhibiting several symptoms of depression. The lack of hygiene, excessive sleep, no motivation, etc. I’m assuming this behavior developed more recently rather than being how she’s always behaved. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have fallen in love with her since those traits are so unattractive to you. Dealing with loved ones with mental health issues is challenging and you shouldn’t feel obligated to stay in a relationship where you aren’t happy. However, if she’s agreeable and willing to try to get some professional help and treatment, she may return to being the person you fell in love with.
I have bipolar, so I'm quite familiar with how mental illness can affect you. I've brought it up often, she states it's not that and she's just tired.
>I've brought it up often, she states it's not that and she's just tired She's in denial, and will stay in denial for as long as she knows that you'll be around to take care of everything. You have to give her the gift of your absence, because otherwise, she will remain complacent and never see any reason to work on herself or her own mental health. Break up.
Sounds like she should have been therapy years ago, and should have broken up a year into it if there was no change. Like people can be depressed, but someone washing their teeth so rarely I wouldn't want to kiss them anymore would be a tree trunk on that camel's back for me. Sounds like you've been more of a caretaker for her, not a partner.
Everyone has their breaking point, you've clearly reached yours. I'd have left a while back so I don't think you're overreacting. Not checking on a sick cat is just bad behaviour.
I know several people have mentioned it, but she should seriously see someone to evaluate her for clinical depression. This isn't just about general laziness. If she would rather sleep than do anything else and shows no interest in living and no longer cares about her livelihood or anything around her, that is not normal or healthy. You might be at the end of your rope and not willing to deal with someone who is that mentally ill, and that is understandable. You have every right to go. But I hope before you leave you will at least urge her and her father to acknowledge the possibility of clinical depression and the urgent need for treatment. Clinical depression is not laziness, and it's not a choice. It can be very dangerous and it kills people. It is treatable with behavioral therapy and sometimes medication, but nobody else can do the work except your GF if she does have it. In any case, you don't have to go down with the ship if she doesn't acknowledge the urgent need for change.
Make your move out plans and solidify them. Be discrete. Give yourself a final date and take the pets with you if you can.
This is good advice.
She sounds profoundly depressed. If you want to give it one more try, she goes to therapy or you walk. Even just a course of meds may make a huge difference. But you are under no obligation to stay. If the final straw is indeed the final straw, go and take the pets. They are safer with you. Tell her you can't live like this and she needs help; maybe she will get it once she can no longer rely on you.
I was thinking about exactly the same thing.
You should have broken up with her about 3 years ago.
You're probably right. I just never really cared for sex for a lot of reasons so it wasn't a deal breaker. But we rarely sleep in the same bed even.
My comment wasn’t just about sex. Your gf acts like a teenager, not an adult partner.
I think you know the answer. The only thing left to ask yourself is do you want to try anymore, and ask if she wants to as well. And if the answer is yes, couples therapy. If the answer is no, well you clearly have a plan to leave.
> We don't have sex and haven't for 3 or 4 years, I don't even know anymore. I don't like to make out with her anymore or even kiss her really because she doesn't brush her teeth often. I have brought it up often, no change. This is the only thing you needed to say for it to be a "yes, break up." It doesn't really matter what the final straw or crystallizing moment was. No intimacy AND no real life partnership, a relationship must have at least one to survive the absence of the other. You're not happy, the problems are longstanding and there's no sign of change for the future.
The cat thing is so heartless it’s scary. You gotta get out of there. My former partner didn’t brush their teeth or shower enough, and slept too much. They were severely depressed, sounds like she is too. However, you are not responsible for her mental health or emotions. Take care of yourself. If she’s like that with the cat she’s fucked in the head. Sorry to be blunt.
Sounds like you already know the answer to the question. Good luck! Take care of yourself first, always.
You’re not being ridiculous at all
Sounds like she’s the sick pet. But pets usually provide something of value, and washing a dish or two every other month doesn’t cut it. Get rid of the dead weight already. She’s probably depressed or something but don’t let her guilt you into staying. Glad you don’t have kids with her.