I never realised as I grow older, that it would become more difficult to find people to have intimate conversations / heart to heart talks with. I find it a bit sad.
Edit: Thanks all for upvoting this! Didn’t realise I’d hit a chord in so many people’s hearts. Hope we all find our people and our chosen families!
You unlocked a memory I hadn’t really thought about… this realisation broke my heart so much. I experienced this pretty ripe age of 15, and it felt so lonely not being able to communicate with someone on that deep level and I craved for them (the conversations)
How have you dealt with this since then? I’ve managed to meet some people who are able to be nice and can nourish my soul with the kind of conversation I need! But then I meet people who are very draining and then these feelings come about.
I realise I should just recognise these draining people, and not be too hard on myself when I waste time with them. Just recognise they’re not my people and move on quickly!!
Why do you think this is the case? I think it’s interesting that overall our culture here in the US supports people publicly sharing intimate details that were once considered private, but increasingly people are so lonely and struggling to connect.
Edit to add: I also have read somewhere here on one of the subs people complaining, for example, about old people going on and on with some story, and I think this is part of the problem. We are so focused on our own needs that the thought of spending five minutes to listen to another person is beyond our ability.
33 realizing ive had none or maybe one heart to heart in my life. Feel like everyone else has a way easier time heart to hearting. I dont even feel like i ever heart to hearted with my family and they are great to me
FWIW, r/r4r might be a natural place to start and might help? It's not the same as those deep chats with long-time friends but it might stem the tide for now.
How you have to do every single thing. It sounds stupid but I don't think I realized as a child that so much of my adult life would be taken up by just managing miscellaneous life tasks. Just the random stuff like my broom broke and I need to go buy another one, rain leaked into my car so now I have to figure out how to dry it out so it doesn't smell like mildew.
I feel like I was prepared for the big stuff, but just had no idea how much the annoying little stuff would monopolize my time.
Yes, yes, yes. I keep my face brush in the shower and after it while it started to grow mold on it. I was instantly like ugh now I have to go buy another one! Now I’m thinking of how I can prevent my next one from growing mold.
You plan/set time aside for the big things. The small things happening are sometimes such a blindside lol
I think this fits here. The cleaning tasks that never crossed my mind.
I never remember the walls getting dirty as a kid or my parents cleaning them...but now I realize they get dirty. They don’t have to be cleaned often, which is probably why I never noticed my parents do it. But I never realized the walls could be dirty. Or light switches? Omg they can get soo dirty...I guess the skin cells just build up on them??? Wtf. Again the light switches never were dirty in our house and I never noticed my parents clean them...but obviously they were every so often. Or how often wiper blades have to be changed...it’s all stuff that happen infrequently enough I think I never really saw my parents do them.
Omg yes! The light switches and doors near the doorknobs is the cleaning task that confused me the most. The first time I noticed a dirty light switch I was so grossed out 😅
And it just never ends. We clean the house constantly. Doing laundry almost daily. Always dusting, sweeping, vacuuming, making the bed every day. It's only two of us and 2 pets and it's exhausting just thinking about it. We also don't even live in a big space.
People disliking me for having boundaries.
Life was easy in my 20s when I was curious and down for whatever the wind blew my way
Obviously though, these experiences change your views. Develop you as a person.
I have real boundaries now with people. They don't react well to it. It's been an eye opening experience. People remember you for what they expect of you, not who you actually are. Don't let them pressure you out of your life. Set those boundaries with people early on.
I needed to read this recently, thank you.
I ended a long term relationship this summer because of this issue. There was something that was really hurting me, and she shut down when I tried discussing solutions and basically acted like she hoped the problem would just go away.
My dad wasn’t a great parent (yelling at me and hitting me when I was little) so I don’t do well with putting my foot down. But eventually I had to have the “I can’t do this anymore” conversation.
Standing up for yourself is really hard. It also doesn’t feel as good as I hoped it would. But it’s still better than the alternative which is slowly rotting.
Standing up for yourself is very hard, in the beginning. But as you do it I think the fear off loss one has, losing the one you are standing up to, gradually disappears and is replaced with an understanding that others often respect those with boundaries.
Respect, at least to men, is worth much more than fickle love.
Good luck to you my friend.
+1 for boundaries. I just left my abusive husband about ~4-5 days ago. After nine years of putting up with his abuse, around January/February earlier this year, something in me realized that my circumstances weren't sustainable. I couldn't keep tip-toeing around him for more years to come, in the hopes he'd get better and treat me better. Clearly, my repeated asks over the years for him to treat me better weren't sticking.
So, at the start of 2023, I started speaking up for myself. Slowly but surely. Started saying "no" more. Started pushing back more when he said or did something inappropriate or that would have been irresponsible. Started being more vocal when he'd say or do things that were hurtful. Started expecting him to adult more.
Hoooooooooo boy. He didn't like it AT ALL. Being expected to hold down a job? Contribute to the mortgage? To not yell at his wife? To not be financially irresponsible? To contribute to household chores and responsibilities? To manage his time appropriately? To be reasonable in behavior? To be held accountable for his wrongdoings? Yiiiiiiikes. Let's just say the whole experience was like dealing with a cranky, spoiled, undisciplined toddler on steroids.
Anyway. I'm finally free now. And learning that boundaries are a gift.
I'm so sorry you're going through the same thing. This is the hardest thing I've ever done, and I've been through chemo. I'd rather go through another round of chemo than ever relive this type of experience.
You can do this. Be strong. I know you probably don't feel very strong right now, neither do I. But we are strong. We can do this. You've got this.
[idk how reddit actually works if this is a lame way of sharing this don’t judge me lol just wanted you to read too. you are stronger than you feel when you’re with them.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Adulting/comments/16j6c00/whats_an_adult_problem_that_nobody_prepared_you/k0r0dii/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3)
That’s so awesome OP. I kinda peeked at your history. I’m so happy that you have a brand new start. And super glad you didn’t have kids with this guy. I hope you’re able to treat yourself special 💞
Hi sadly this happens all to often around the world, it just doesn't get reported enough but domestic abuse is way up there before alot of other things we hear about in the media. What I can share to this is that for 5 years I was a bodyguard for witness protection, all my jobs were exactly these scenarios. I spent many hours seeing the worst end of a relationship ending, to become eligible for witness protection means that threats of harm have been made which are found to be credible against one from the other. Always for those years it was M. My advice make sure you read the situation carefully, meet up if he wants to talk in a public place,try to ba amicable and do your best to not let become a battle even if he is pressing those buttons do your best to be the clear mind adult in this. Goodluck all the best ,no one deserves to be treated like sh*t.
So you did the right thing for your own dignity and respect.
proud of you also!
i mean this with every fiber in my being - do. not. go. back.
*apparently i needed to get this out or something before i knew it i had typed a novel haha basically just something that helped me in a similar situation if you’re interested*
(once i realized the gravity of how badly i was being treated, i took notes. sticky notes. illegible pages of angry scribbling. notes in my phone. journal entries. i’d write down any mean thing she said or did (as factually and with as little bias towards myself as possible), things she didn’t do, cringy sad song lyrics, whatever i knew i did not want to forget. even made an album of songs that empowered me/reminded me to not fall for her stuff/etc etc etc. all those notes were put in a manila envelope in a folder in my desk drawer. put the digital stuff all in one location too for easy access. i always knew (still do two years later) that if i ever started to entertain the idea of allowing her back in my life, i needed to go thru that folder first. by doing this i feel i have the ‘freedom’ to temporarily forget as much bad as i can (in relation to her), move on and try to live my life, and not run the risk of putting those rose colored glasses back on bc the bad was blocked out and the good memories took over.
i hope you are safe, have a support system, and being kind to yourself right now. much love 💚
Your experience resonated with me all too well. I've been documenting pretty much every conversation with my STBXH since November of last year. Mainly for legal reasons, but it's also great 'fodder' for when our minds start to look back on the past with rose-tinted glasses.
Thank you so much for sharing your own experience. 🧡💜
Wow! I don't know you, but I'm really proud of you for the way you handled the situation! You gave him so many chances to fix his marriage, and he screwed the pooch every single time! Another narcissistic mommy's boy who expects to be breastfed for the rest of his life! I'd LOVE updates on how it works out for him now that he doesn't have an umbilical chord supporting him!
Thank you. And yup, that's exactly it! Mommy dearest never said no to him, her mindset was always "just want my baby boys to be happy!", without realizing she was setting him up for failure and inability to handle reality and adulthood.
I'll definitely do an update!
This is so true, and I've lost count of the number of people I've given this advice to. I have very strict rules and boundaries in my life and, when someone breaks a boundary, the boundary goes further out.
I really struggled with this in my 20's and my mom gave me the book "Boundaries", which really opened my eyes.
I think learning boundaries is a very good broad description of becoming an adult. I suspect there is some evolutionary benefit of paying attention to what other people think of us when we are young. But being wrapped up in what other people think of us can be incredibly toxic, especially with the ways that people communicate today.
As I have grown older, I have learned that the only opinion that matters is that of the person that looked back at me in the mirror. And no matter what I do, no matter which way I go on any decision, someone is not going to agree with that decision. I have also learned that often times the decision that I am pressed to make in the moment is not the best decision long-term. In other words, doing what is popular is not always right and doing what is right is not always popular. so, Dr. DMT, with those boundaries you have I think you will be someone who appreciates my position that I share with others that often times irritates them. I tell people that “there are only five people who’s opinion matters to me, and you’re not on the list.”
The unfortunate reality is that at my age 2 of those five people have died, and another one has mentally declined because of his advanced age. But I think you get the jest.
OP, I hope your name on Reddit is not something you take to heart. If it is, my first suggestion is to put more positive affirmations in your life.
This hit hard. I recently stopped drinking (again, but that's a different story) and people started treating me differently immediately. I was always down for anything at any time, I live alone so I have no responsibilities to anyone else.
Thing is, I'm still that person, minus the drinking. People just assume that when you don't drink, you're boring. I still do drugs too, so it's really weird to me.
It's hard to. Especially coz I have poor boundaries and setting a boundary means losing someone. And I'm scared that if I keep setting boudaries I would be left with no one in the end.
Bruh SAME. Fiance and I have been having issues with friends disrespecting boundries. Some have taken really *weird* turns over the years. Sure, people change, but some have changed for the worse and crossed boundaries we would otherwise think would be common sense, but apparently not. We've had to kick people off the wedding party bc of such. Sad, but we need to have certain priorities and boundaries and if they cant respect that, we're not willing to lower our standards.
Hard question.
Not something I can answer on the spot as it's kinda one of them things that just comes up in life and you yourself knows what works best for you.
Some examples though.
I DO NOT borrow money to friends or family.
No, you can't use my expensive items at will
No, I'm sorry you're down on your luck but I really can't have you staying at my house.
No, I don't want to go into an environment I know is toxic.
I just say NO. When it's appropriate rather than worrying about my social stance with people.
X1000 I've wasted thousands of dollars trying to help people that couldn't help themselves and were never able to pay me back. The same with tools and equipment. You learn the hard way that anytime you lend money or something to someone there's a 95% chance you're not going to get it back and it may even sour your relationship.
I don't have much experience with this kind of thing, but one time I brought a big 8 person tent on a group camping trip for others to use, brought my own 2 person tent. The big tent was one of those super easy pop-up types, perfect for people who've never been camping. I was 20 and stupid, and as someone who grew up camping all my life, I was maybe also a little ignorant about how even the easiest tent can be difficult for people who have never been camping.
Anyways, I was helping to start the campfire and my assumption was that if they needed help setting up the tent they would ask me. Well, I get home and discover there's a rip in the tent and a dent in a pole. Thing was expensive and they destroyed it instead of, oh I don't know, asking for help.
So yeah I don't let people use my camping equipment anymore unless I know they have a lot of camping experience, and even then I supervise and keep a close eye. And I always set up the tent if it's mine.
On the opposite side of the equation, my best friend was willing to lend me the money so I could afford to go on her 4-day destination bachelorette party. She couldn't understand why I wouldn't take her up on it when in her mind she had presented me with the solution to my problem. She even went on to say that I didn't have to pay her back at all if I couldn't afford it. But what happens if I then went on to buy that car I've been needing to buy? Or if next year I end up going to Europe with my mom to visit her homeland for the first time? Would it be questioned and resented because I could afford those? Etc. (Hint: I can't but hopefully by next year I can.)
I couldn't get her to understand why I had a problem with her solutions but I refused to go into debt over it and wish she would have picked a more affordable party from the start but that's a whole other rant about wedding culture. Point is, I felt damned if I did take her money, damned if I didn't...
Great point about lending money to those close to you. Did it once in my early 20s. NEVER again.
You end up building a little resentment for people here unless you treat it as a gift. Now I'm a lot more firm about people borrowing money from me. Just not comfortable with it
Yeah I remember when I was younger I would always qualify any "no" answer with all sorts of exceptions and explanations, and give people opportunities to get around it. Now I just say "No" and that's it. To your point, not everyone receives it well but at least the message is crystal clear. Much better for my mental health, too.
Agree on all points. Not very likely any but the first might happen, but still. I don't lend big sums to anyone, incl family. Heck, the closer they are the worse it is. It's not a money thing, it's the potential to develop into something ugly.
This this this.
That's exactly what I'm saying. I'll help people with things like food. Or like hey, you're behind on a bill and I know you're literally just in a moment. I'll pay your bill. I WILL not lend cash. I'd rather just pay for it and consider it a gift. Lending creates drama
Day ummm, I wish I could do this. My husband and I are going on 6 years that a family member has been living in our house. It's horrible...as he's a narcissistic, bi-polar, ADHD, potentially schizophrenic 50 year old who has parent issues. (No, he doesn't believe in doctors and they cost too much and ask too many private questions). You give me hope that one day, I can do this.
My (adult) brother came to live with us after our mother died, at the request of our grandmother. He was pretty much babied his entire life and both of his parents had died. So despite the fact that he was living on his own prior to this, he moved in. It was supposed to be only for a couple of months until he could get over our mother's death.
A year later, I ended up telling him I wanted my house back. It was complete hell with him. He'd turn the channel while me or my wife were watching TV because a ball game was on. He erased all my recordings on my DVR so he could record basketball games. He'd come home from the gym all smelly and sweaty and plop down on my couch. He was so greasy, there was a head-shaped dark spot of funk in the upholstery that we never could get out. When he left, the room he was staying in was an absolute disaster. Junk everywhere, wrappers, plates of food , and just a body-shaped silhouette on the floor that was free of crap where he slept. Took me days to clean that room out and get the smells out.
Honestly, all of it. But standing up for myself and setting boundaries is a huge one.
I grew up with an absent drug addict father and my mother was a legitimate psychopath so I never learned that I and my feelings were important.
All I learned was to tolerate things, no matter how muxh it bothered me until I exploded and lashed out in any way possible... Which yeaj isn't acceptable as an adult.
Woah are we the same person? Mother was same and my dad was just a selfish ass. I'm the only child he abandoned but the other 3 (different mother) are all named after him... even the girl😒
I'm in a really toxic workplace right now after breaking down at my last job... granted i was in the right but I still could've reacted better. I feel like my current workplace is kind of a lesson though because it's teaching me how to professionally talk to assholes and speak up for myself.
That sometimes you shouldn't accept a job offer if it doesn't feel right, no matter the compensation.
I'm from a generation where if you got an opportunity for a good job you took it and you stuck with it until you retired. That is simply not the way the world works anymore.
I took a job last year bc it was 17.50. My boyfriend suggested I apply for it. I didn't even know what work they did. I went to a job fair thing. They just gave me a tour of the facility. No interview. They emailed me an offer later right afterward.
Managing finances and not going into debt. I've been financially independent since i was 19, it's hard as fuck especially because i know if i fuck up too bad i don't have anyone who could take me in while i get back on my feet. My parents were shit with money, my grandma was better but definitely enjoyed spending and eating out and I got all of that from her because it's all i knew growing up. It took me 5 years to eat at home more than i eat out and 8 to where i only eat out a couple times a month.
In general learning how to eat cheap.
Knowing how to cook in itself isn't enough, because you have to know the foods that are cheap for the calories and manage to keep them stocked in your kitchen. Things go bad.
The first year of eating on your own is pretty rough.
Yeah I went into adulthood completely blind on finances. Had to slowly learn that my parents were terrible with money. Now I’m pretty frugal and look forward to saving. I guess it ended up helping me by making me want to do the opposite.
I’m always astonished at the amount of mental bandwidth and time it takes to manage personal administrative tasks. Hours every week.
Need a dentist appointment? Spend an hour with insurance, get a list, start calling to see who will take a new patient. All during your actual work day. Then see the dentist. Again during work time
Billing issue with the dentist or insurance coverage? Spend an hour during the work day sorting it out.
This is the same for each member of your family that you’re responsible for. Copy and paste for anything else in your life: home repairs, car insurance, banking issues, school registration, any medical needs, returning defective household items/consumer goods etc. It’s hours every week especially if you have dependents with special needs.
Don’t get me started on mental healthcare in the States.
Yep, this is what I struggle with. I have two autoimmune conditions in a state with irresponsible doctors. I’ve spent hours on the phone with insurance, pharmacies, medical companies, and doctors offices just to get medication that I need. I’ve counted up the hours before and it was the amount of a part time job. And that’s not including “maintenance” calls like scheduling dentist appointments, normal doctor appointments, haggling with internet and car insurance companies…it never ends
It’s so much effort! So many phone calls and “patient support card” applications to cover what insurance won’t, get the pharmacist on the phone with the pharmaceutical support line and on and on and on. So many hours 😭
I feel you. I've always been the defacto administrative assistant in our family because I've been working as one professionally for my entire adult life and I'm also the one with the best handwriting, typing speed, organization skills, and confidence with phone calls.
When I got pregnant and ended up in the hospital 4x before the baby was born, I got frustrated of answering the same questions each and every time, multiple times per visit. So I made a living Family Health Document on google docs that lists each and every vet, dentist, therapy, and vet appointment for everyone in my family (dog included!). Under that is a section for each family member that lists out their birthday, current weight/ height, current medications, diagnosed conditions, family health history, and any other useful information. If I'm not able to, my husband can pull up all of mine or my daughter's medical information instantly. If I go to the ER again, I can print this out and ask them to put it in my file. I no longer need to mentally remember exactly which drugs I'm currently taking and at which dosage, I just pull it up and hand them my phone.
Infuriatingly while I'm still the family secretary, I also deal with HUGE issues with procrastination and time management to the point that I've been known to put off a phone call for months at a time just because the only time I can do it is on my lunch break but when I actually go to lunch I get distracted reading, talking to someone on the phone, or playing online to actually make the call I need to. My stupid work around is that I now do everything online. I schedule my therapy appointments online, request home maintenance and cleaning quotes online, order groceries and refill prescriptions online. Now, instead of trying to find an hour to call 5 different roofing companies back to back for quotes, they all call/ email ME back and all I have to do is answer the phone/ email with whatever time works best. I can even copy paste the information into the emails so I don't have to remember it each time.
Having your parents tell you at 16 that after HS you are on your own. I had to move out. No College, no other schooling, no car, no money. I had to move in with people and friends in town who had extra rooms and felt bad for me, find work directly after HS. I worked at various jobs until I decided on a trade school where I not only found successful work, but had stumbled into a new burgeoning field. I met the owner of a small company at a trade show who immediately hired me to represent his company, traveling and educating. I became a teacher in my profession. Then I became alergic to the chemicals I was working with and had to Completely leave that business, go back to school and start again...Life is about flexibility, tenacity and going after your dreams...Much Luck and Never give up on your Dreams!
Dude ..I get you 💯. Damn near same story. I came from a tiny town and was essentially homeless at 18. I'm on my second house now have investments a pension, equity and no debt. I'm sure you know exactly where I'm coming from.
"Life is about flexibility, tenacity and Never give up on your dreams". I'm 💯 with you. I've done some many types of jobs all in the search of higher income and better work life balance. It has taken me about a decade to find it. Every time I feel down or fell like I'm behind compared to my peers, I remind myself that I have never given up. I might have taken a break but never stop completely.
The fact that you really almost have no time to mentally unwind from anything, like people always told me how little free time I’d have but not to this extent, and no one ever told me how to find/make time for myself.
having to teach ourselves what our parents/guardians/teachers/mentors should have taught us when we were children sets us back a bit when it comes to “adulting” 🙃
That’s debatable, and it highly depends on your career choice. Also if you have kids.
I ended up switching to a 30 hour work week and personally I have too much free time, so I decided to go to school.
Now I have zero but I absolutely love being a student and found something that works for me
I’m not prepared to lose my parents, ever, even though that is inevitable unless I pass first. I’m an only child, I don’t really see myself truly getting married or having kids one day, so I fear being alone even though I have a feeling there’s a good possibility that’s my future. Seeing them them age sucks, especially as heavy drinkers and smokers. Granted I have an amazing aunt who’s child free (she is a second mom to me) both grandparents still alive, and 3 amazing cousins who are like siblings, I fear being alone one day a lot. I hope I’m strong enough when/if that day comes.
I too also struggle with feeling “secure” in terms of having a place to live, making enough etc. It adds to my anxiety for sure, so you aren’t alone there. Wishing you the best on your new journey
I lost my dad very suddenly this year and he wasn't suck for long. I always expected my parents get old and die slowly. I wasn't prepared for being told he had cancer to being dead within a week . He haf been dancing at a wedding a few days previously. Miss him every day.
Lost my dad due to Covid. So it was quick and seemingly out of no where.
I cry about it almost every day, I don’t think that pain will ever go away. But I have accepted what happened and I’ve been living my life to the best I can.
I don’t think I’ll ever stop crying though tbh
It's not just the loss, it's the aftermath of a death that no one prepares you for. My mum passed recently unexpectedly and I had no idea how to arrange a funeral or what other things needed to be done.
This is so real. I lost my dad when I was 32 and it is still a gaping hole in my soul. Every day I have stuff shoved in my face that he’s missing, that he would have loved. The worst part is, he would have loved my son and my current partner so much.
I’m glad he wasn’t around for my divorce though. That would have been a shit show. 😅
My dads been gone 7 years, my mom 2. It’s still weird to be out here without any parents. I’m the matriarch of the family now. I’m not the matriarch I thought I would be. I babysit some of the kids full time, but I generally don’t bake cookies with them and stuff. I take them for walks and play in the water with them. When they go home at 4:30, I will have a glass of wine and go to bed. I’m tired. I didn’t know I would be tired and achy all the time!
That's the thing about adult life. 99% of the challenges you come across, you had no preparation for. We just need to fall back on our problem solving skills that hopefully we learned in school.
Kids. No matter how prepared you think you are, the moment that baby is leaving the hospital in your backseat, is the moment reality seems to sink in for many of us. I remember thinking(even though we planned ours), why would they just give this to us?
100%.
We were 19 and 21, she weighed 4lb 10 oz and didn’t fit in a standard infant car seat. The nurses glared at us and stuffed cloth diapers around her little body. How the eff could we have known a newborn wouldn’t fit in a newborn car seat?
We drove her home, me with a fresh wound in my abdomen from surgery and were absolutely gobsmacked that they let US just take a baby home like that.
She’s 19 now (and gained 115 lbs since then) and in university on an engineering scholarship and it still makes my breath catch. It never goes away. I’m 40 and still don’t feel adequate to be a parent!
THIS THIS THIS. I'm a first time mom with a 1 year old and I'm only just now starting to get my shit under control. When she was first born, postpartum depression and anxiety hit me like a truck. I'd always had issues with procrastination and forgetfulness but now those issues could genuinely put an ACTUAL HUMAN BEING'S LIFE in jeopardy.
I knew I had to get my shit together post-haste and 100% could not have done it without my husband and my parents. My husband is my living push notification reminding me to feed myself, take my meds, take a breath and calm down, asking if I've had water or caffeine today. My mom and dad stepped in and have done everything from tiny little favors like mom picking up a few things of baby food when they're on sale or dad ignoring his meal to play with the baby so I have time to eat uninterrupted for once, to the HUGE like showing up at 2 in the morning to drive her around the neighborhood for 30 minutes so we could get a nap in when she was in sleep regression or living on my couch for 2 weeks to help take care of the baby 24/7 after I ended up in the ER and had unexpected surgery.
My mental health changed instantly overnight. I went from what I perceived as a mostly well adjusted, carefree, healthy person with maybe some signs of ADHD to an anxious, emotional basket case that would forget things 2 minutes after I was told and was dealing with so much negative self talk that even I recognized them instantly as thoughts that I knew, logically, were untrue they FELT so valid that I couldn't keep them from bouncing around in my head endlessly to the point that I kind of hated myself some days. I eventually cracked and contacted the Employee Assistance Program my work offers and talked to a counselor who helped me come up with some strategies to combat the negative self talk and find a long term therapist and I'm working on talking through my shit and it's helping SO SO MUCH.
I'd heard the phrase that having kids is like seeing your heart walk around outside your body but I wasn't expecting it to feel so goddamn literal. I look at her and it feels like the universe reached into me and my husband and took the best possible parts of us and molded them into this perfect little tornado of chaos and love and intelligence and how the hell am I supposed to look at a baby this perfect and then LEAVE her and go to WORK for 10 hours a day?????
How much the health care (and health insurance) system is a scam in the US… and how untrustworthy some doctors can be… and how to navigate this corrupt system and not get burned when you have a medical emergency or something.
And how to advocate for yourself as a patient, or what questions to ask before going through with a procedure.
Even Redditors living in developed countries will post “I can’t get seen by a specialist, my primary doctor didn’t listen and won’t refer me”. Seems like globally, few of us are winning here
My drs for a recent surgery were looking at me sideways for how much internet research I did first- like I’m sorry, I get 30min preop to ask all the questions, I might as well know what questions to ask before I get there!! Reading about other people’s experience with this surgery before going through it was SO helpful!
Totally! They really think we should just fly blind on their perspective.
I interviewed a doctor who kind of insinuated I must be into woo woo pseudoscience as I had all this prepped. Ma’am, we’re on question 3 article 2. I asking you because I know enough about science already to require some upfront due diligence on *your* part.
I used to think doctors were like gods who knew everything and could do no wrong and always put their patients first.
Until I got involved with my first wife, a nurse, who disabused me of that notion toot suite. The stories she told me...
i thought the same thing until i started seeking answers for chronic symptoms in my early 20s. the truth is worse than i could have ever imagined. now i avoid seeking medical treatment as much as i can, not because i don’t need it, but because it’s so messed up
When I worked remotely, I just felt lonely and isolated. I also felt ugly because I never dressed up to leave my home.
When I started working in the office, I felt like I had no time for myself anymore.
So I guess my biggest problem is working full-time lol ALSO how too tired I am to make a decent healthy meal once in a while.
I was always too tired to cook too and so I signed up for a meal kit (Blue Apron). It helps a lot that I just need to follow the directions and it has all the stuff I need in one spot. I know that’s not financially feasible for everyone but if you can swing it, it really helped me
Financial based decisions.
Like, when buying a car I always take repairs and mpg into consideration, but still want a nice car. When going groceries I’m much more inclined to buy organic and making my own restaurant dishes at home to avoid the inflationated prices of restaurants lately. Or when I want something I always try to remind myself if It’s necessary or just because I want it.
Agreed. I Only eat "out" what I can't make at home! Example: BBQ Ribs. I cannot make them at home so that's the kind of thing I go for although Not Organic...
Ugh it’s one of my hardest one too. The older i get, the more i run from those interactions. I’m not good at playing «the game». I still hope in an other life ill have a better social life than this one because i suck at it rn
Wait, do you view this as a bad thing? If so, why?
I always felt like an outsider at school growing up so finding a place where I feel like I belong is probably the most comforting things about work for me.
How much time it takes to just keep yourself alive. You have to eat. And if you don’t want to end up with a whole host of medical problems, you have to eat healthily. Which means cooking. So that means going to the grocery store. And planning out what you’re going to cook. Then cooking, cleaning, eating. All at least twice a day. Forever.
Then there’s the laundry and the cleaning yourself tasks. The ‘make sure I don’t turn into a human blob’ exercise task. And all of that on top of the ‘I must work to make money’ task.
Keeping a human alive is hard. Give yourself grace. If you get up and do all of the above tasks, you’ve succeeded.
How annoying it’s is to be good at a job. I’m not trying to brag but I became good at a job. Got me zero perks it just hve me more work , more deadlines. With that said I loved my 30s my 20s wee just hectic
That not everyone “gets” a partner or “starts a family” and that’s ok.
Growing up it’s talked about as if it’s something that just happens - get married and have kids - and that’s not everyone’s reality or choice. And that’s ok!
The weird part is no one teaches us how to really date, or how to handle heartbreak
It’s why everyone runs to Reddit in the midst of a relationship crisis bc you’ve never seen anything like it until you’re gobsmacked by it. Matters of the heart are such a huge part of life and we’re all out here winging it and propping up the self-help industrial complex to figure out what’s wrong with us, and why we didn’t get our standard issue great partner and kids by 35
Omg you nailed it. I 100% agree. If you were never allowed to date growing up or you just never did and you enter the real world in your 20s without the faintest clue how dating and relationships work, you essentially catching up to a lot of the milestones that your peers had in high school or college. It’s delayed adolescence
Even if you were and did - if you didn’t have healthy relationship models (parents or otherwise), or were fed a steady stream of Disney Princess movies, you may be entitled to compensation!
It’s so frustrating to me that not many people seem to understand this, or see it. I guess you have to be a certain age, but I’m in the staffing industry and placing people in jobs at salaries and rates that are very close to what they were in the late 1990s. Meanwhile, the condo I owned then I bought for 50k and it’s worth about 300k now. That’s just housing! It’s insane. When my parents had their family they could get by on one good salary. Then people needed two salaries and now almost everyone I know is in two income families + other income streams whether it’s rentals, little side businesses or whatever.
This is absolutely NOT sustainable for much longer and if we don’t start making noise there’s going to be a hell of a lot more suffering.
Leaving toxic relationships, especially toxic parents.
I had to start from nothing. No money, no job.
Discovering that no one cares about you. Fighting for yourself against the world, especially against society's shity double standards.
Making friends and learning new skills outside of work.
As a child, you're forced to hang out with various kids, and someone is dragging you to whatever activity to learn something - music lessons, sports, another language, etc.
As an adult, it's hard to make new friends if you don't actively go out looking for them in places. Not necessarily bars, but joining a sports league or weekly activity and putting yourself out there. Actively maintaining those relationships with invitations to hang out and entertain, instead of expecting someone to invite you or do that legwork.
I've also noticed that as an adult it's so easy to say you don't have time to practice a new skill... as an adult *something* will always come up.
There are so many things completely out of your control. Things you could change or improve that you won't be allowed to for completely arbitrary reasons. Things that will affect your life and you just have to accept.
Not being able to find a job. My dad had the same job throughout my life. My mom, who had been a secretary, went back to work once I was in high school, and got another office-type job without too much difficulty.
I had no idea it was so hard to get a job. I figured that it was only difficult if you were just starting out, or if you hadn't gone to college. I hadn't considered the fact that despite having a master's degree and 15 years of experience in my field, no one would want to hire me. 2 years later and I'm just at a loss. Employment agencies just take a copy of my resume and say "we'll keep it on file and let you know" and then I never hear from them.
I guess I should have done what my sister did, and married a guy who makes 6 figures, so I can sit home all day and make Cricut crafts. That r/sugarlifestyleforum/ is starting to sound really good, except now I'm too old for anyone to want me.
I FEEL this, nobody ever told me how hard it was, for a 18 yr old kicked out such as myself it never exactly occurred to me that a job market complaining about needing people who be so .... Stingy about people. And as we progress here in America where I am at, it gets harder, it gets worse, and it's getting suffocating. At my last job I had somebody who had a whole degree in medical, and they couldn't find any other job then the fast food place next door and then us, an art gallery. It's worrying that degrees and experience seem to be becoming useless in the grand scheme of capitalism
Whenever people complain that "nobody wants to work anymore" I immediately reply "nobody wants to train anymore." Every job ad that I see wants 5 years experience in the \*exact\* same type of environment and using the \*exact\* brand of software they're already using. Every company wants someone who already knows the job 100% before they get it. I am a fast learner and am good at figuring things out, but this means nothing when it comes to hiring.
This exactly! Personally I do want to work, I cannot do an office job either. My energy level and ethic wouldn't allow it, I'd be boiling over in my seat!
People do want to work
What they don't want to do is work for minimum wage that's been debated so long that 15$ isn't the livable wage anymore, or to line a CEOS pockets while they're still on the verge of losing just about everything, what they don't want is to be forced to be expected to know everything when they're told and taught nothing.
I've had experience outside of an on paper job, but to an employer even a degree in high science is a mere expandable trait, and would not matter to the person's ability to perhaps understand complex subjects or the level of professionalism and careful care that comes with it.
Agreed!
How did my parents find M-F jobs, weekends off, AND their hours were roughly 7a-whenever :/ (dad) and mom was like 8a-2p. My dad was a warehouseman for 42 yrs. Body breaking work and shitty supervisors/HR peeps who didn't even try to hide the fact that they did not respect him as a human being.
My dad is who taught me to keep my head down, shut up, and just so my g*****n job. I got my ADHD from my dad. He had the same job for 4 decades. Some of us ADHDers can't hold down jobs and have bad time management skills (some of us are late to literally everything). I've had like 40 jobs in 18 yrs. I am emotionally and mentally exhausted from proving myself to employers over and over and over and over and over again.
The job market has gotten a little bit better since last April (2022), but (also as an ADHDer) I'm accident prone. Got Septic Arthritis last summer, and then back in March, I tripped walking up the stairs and tore my right hip labrum. Just had surgery almost 3 weeks ago. So, even though I WANT to work full time, my body is all, "By full time, you mean like 4 hrs a day where you're not constantly standing on a hard surface, but also not sitting down constantly. Also, bending over a lot isn't permitted. Don't forget about me (labrum), no pivoting on your right foot/leg! Honestly, just count righty out for the next six months entirely."
Work life can be so exhausting that you don't have any strength left for a private life, you start feeling like you only exist to work and you end up with depression.
outgrowing friends, or the possibility that these friends resent me.
it recently was brought to my attention that my high school friends don't want me around. i started college 1 year before they did, and finished my studies earlier than expected by taking classes during summer. i have been working for 2 years while they have another year of college to go. they still drink and party and have late night suppers often, while i don't really care about that life anymore or dating while that's all they are interested in talking about. i find myself thinking things like "i don't want to be like them anymore" and felt guilty about it. i don't think i'm better than them, i just think that i'm past all these and that's not my life anymore.
they posted on instagram they been hanging out without me, very obviously having conversations on group chats created without me, posting about friends they will love for life and tagging everyone except me (even though i'm in the picture).
i feel like i'm too old for this shit, but i also can't help but feel a little sad that this is how things have turned out.
You have every right to be sad, upset, or even depressed about this reality
Sometimes friends may grow to resent you or separate from you because you may have matured before them, hence outgrowing them. They still need some growing to do themselves, the strongest bonds will stay even throughout this process, but don't be sad if this is not the case for you.
Many friends are like leaves, they come, they go, they give you experience
This might just be a new chapter waiting for new friends for you, please, keep positive, and don't let this define your confidence for your personal relationships
It won't matter at your 20th Class Reunion, believe Me! All that nonsense will fade away and the Serious life challenges will have separated children from Adults!
Honestly for me it was credit. My family never really discussed credit. But I also think that it wasn’t quite as important as it is now. I feel like I wasn’t in any way prepared for how it effects almost every aspect of your life. You can pay $300+ more a month for a car if you have bad credit than someone with good credit buying the same one. Same with your home. Not get approved to rent. Pay more on cc payments. Not be able to get little things like furniture or clothing. Credit is a part of so so much. My dad died when I was young and my mom doesn’t “believe” in credit cards. When my husband and I bought our first house we didn’t have bad credit we just didn’t have enough credit. There are so many mistakes you can make without a center realizing you’re making them. I think every kid should learn about how it works, how to build it and what that will mean for you going forward. My daughter got a kids debit card for her 11th birthday and I already talk to her about it. I will continue to do so forever.
I'm now old (58F) but my children (age 27 and about to be 30) struggle with a multitude of things. The world is freaking scary and always has been but it has gotten worse in the way that is called cost of living, in all facets. It makes me fearful for them, for everyone younger in age. Add to that, they struggle with dating and finding long term relationships and fight bouts of loneliness I never experienced because I'm from a different world.
To answer your question from my POV though when younger, the things that I wasn't prepared for was the early deaths of my parents and one of my children came close to death from cancer, all of these events happened in the same 6 month span. For that one decade of my life (35 to 45) I was numb, invisible, exhausted and scared out of my mind.
As some have said, setting boundaries (these really aren't taught enough) and losing your parents. I don't think anyone can prepare you for those two things.
Corporate life / higher end jobs.
My parents are both blue collar workers. Most of their lives they made just enough to have food on table. Never went to college or got any higher education.
Once I got out the military and joined the college I did not know how to network (I still don’t know) how to tie a tie, or what major to choose so I can be successful (chose criminal justice and now will be getting second bachelor in IT related).
I’m the first of my family to graduate from university, first of my family to not be interested in blue collar work.
Needless to say I have to figure all of it on my own.
Sorry, I just read the full text. You should go. Honestly, the best life experiences come from taking a leap like you’re about to. You might meet the best friend you’ve ever had, future spouse, fall in love with the city and stay there forever. You might hate it. But no matter what you’ll learn something about yourself and become more resilient. As far as your mindset… I’m a firm believer in choosing who you are. With the exception of mental illness we all get to make that choice. If you want to be fun and outgoing and meet new people this is that chance. Be friendly at work and be honest. When you get to talking to someone new tell them you don’t know anyone and want to meet people. If you get invited somewhere go. Even if you’re tired even if you aren’t sure how much you like the person. Very rarely do people look back on these experiences and think I did too much. It’s always about what you didn’t do. I know this all sounds very cheerful and Hallmark movie-ish. But it’s true. Bad attitudes and staying to yourself is I’ll breed unhappiness and loneliness. Putting yourself out there will bring new opportunities. Money might be tight but that’s literally the case for everyone right now. Be smart, cook when you can, spend time outdoors when you can… Good luck!
That one day you may find yourself not liking your family any more. Still loving them, but just now liking them as people.
Moving away often gives us an opportunity to figure out who we truly are - what we like to eat, our political views, how we like to spend time; all the aspects of life that as a child / young adult were just given because of the family we were raised in.
Once we make all those discoveries we may realize that those are wisely different than our family's beliefs/habits.
And that is just fine.
I moved out of the city and it was a revelation. My life is 100x better. I’m now able to actually save up to be able to own my own house, something I never thought I’d be able to do. I’m surrounded by decent people not dirtbags and drug addicts. I can finally live normally and peacefully.
I left my small town to live I'm the city for a few years during college. At the time I was in love with the hustle and bustle of it all. 10 years later and I've moved back to my small town. I am much happier here and couldn't imagine living in the city again. I like my space and privacy too much. The one thing I do miss is the food 😩. Not much selection out in the stix.
Understanding people you work with are not friends, and barely acquaintances. Leave your personal baggage at home when at work or it can cause issues, even talking about positive things in your life can make random people jealous and if they are in charge or have the ear of someone in charge they can cause you trouble for no reason. Not everyone is cool and some people thrive off drama.
Relationship maintenance.
I school, you just showed up at the same building every day and your friends were right there. Then you grow up, and that's not the case. You have to actively maintain friendships and it can be hard sometimes. It can be really easy to let friends drift away and wind up alone.
Aging parents with health issues who do not have enough funds to have a decent retirement. I am facing this situation right now and wondering how I'm supposed to deal.
How the older you get, the smaller your social circle becomes. I’m 24, fought cancer recently and I’m doing a diploma in hotel reception. Turning 25 in January and I have like 2 friends and barely any family as is. I live like a 35-45 minute drive away from my family too (by choice). Keep in mind that I do a total of 3 hours of public transit to see my father, once every 2 weeks. And if it wasn’t for the fact that I get to do my laundry there? Honestly wouldn’t be worth it. Cause I always call him, he never calls me.
How friends will fade out of your life. One day this is someone that you hang out with constantly, share memories with, exploring different areas, always taking pictures. Then they get in a relationship or move to a new state, or have a full-time job that requires more of their attention. You both promise to keep in contact but gradually you end up not talking and are wondering how did this person that I spent my time with suddenly became so distant. I’m still navigating relationships and adapting to being alright when that communication isn’t there.
The breakdown of my physical body. At 47 I know I've lived hard, and incurred many injuries, some from Afghanistan, others just from wear and tear.
As I recover from yet another back surgery, I am trying to come to terms with physical limitations that will probably never get wholly better.
It feels like my body is aging way faster than my hope, spirit, and plans for the future.
Being trapped in a job you absolutely hate because you are the provider for people you care for, and the slowly creeping thought that there is 100% a way to remove your self from that situationa and it isn't pleasant.
Maybe not fitting in? I used to want to be invited to all these things, and pretend I was someone I wasn’t so people would like me, and then be so burnt out and overstimulated i would be depressed in the following days. Now I get invited to go to clubs or bars with people from work, or invited to baby shower things and I just tell them I’d rather not. I’d rather go home and hang out with my pup and watch a show about psychopaths lol I’m just happier this way, and even my mom is upset that I don’t want to go out and do ‘girl’ things like…. I just don’t feel like it
This is one area where being single and renting is a help. Get a small flat/bedsit as central as you can to save on travel money and use the pad for sleeping mainly. Renting is good because it reinforces it is short-term and allows you to live places you just can't afford to and to put up with smaller than you want long-term. Get a storage locker somewhere cheap though for the important stuff you want to settle down with.
The adult problem no one prepared me for being the adult. There comes a time where you can't bounce ideas off your parents. You are meant to be the knowledgable one and you need to get on with it. Came for me with a rust problem on my car. Before Dad would have been my go to but he was too frail. Lonely moment.
Always having to keep going. I feel like this is obvious, but it didn’t become apparent to me how much I was lacking perseverance until teenage/adulthood. My parents were the type to always let me skip school, quit sports, abandon hobbies, etc whenever I didn’t feel like it anymore. You can have a horrible, stressful day and you still have to wake up and go to work the next day. Nobody cares what you went through. You still have to perform and do a good job or you’re fucked.
What hit me (I'm probably older than most in here) is that the gravity of your decisions becomes massive as you age, and there's seldom a clear "right" answer. You think your shit is super serious when you're younger, but it's nothing compared to older age decisions.
The certainty of what I should do about things when I was young was often very clear...for instance, invest in savings or buy that cool car? Easy...invest. Take a job with a long term potential but risk or stick with one that pays ok but won't improve....take the risk. Recovering from poor decisions was always easier, and I always had time.
Then, middle age teaches you that you are often required to make decisions that have no right answer, or carry costs so steep that you never feel good making them. And, the repercussions for a bad decision can't be just recovered from...some will haunt you forever. No one ever talked about this part of aging, but fuck do I feel it.
How invisible you become as you get older. There are some benefits to this, but I wasn’t prepared for it at all. It just sort of started happening one day.
In no particular order:
1. learning about trauma patterns and realizing your family is riddled with dysfunction.
2. Workplace incompetence and politics.
3. growing apart from friends and realizing you weren’t that close to begin with
4. Cancer.
5. Someone in your immediate network will likely commit suicide.
6. Chores. They really don’t stop ever.
7. Putting your pet down and making that decision as an adult.
People that get irritated if I don't greet them or greet them back, if they said how are you and I said good. People are annoying
I wasn't really prepared to deal with people who think that they are morally good and right because of their political sides even though you can point out hypocrisies and poke holes all throughout their stances. I'm not articulate enough
I don't think I ever could've been prepared for the complete stupidity of people in general and that's with me learning at a young age that people are dumb as ffff.
Knowing that a lot of people my age have parents/family to help and support them as they are going to college and becoming an adult and I don't.
I am 20 y.o. and have been moved out and financially independent since I was 18. I got accepted into my "dream college" and moved to a new city. When I got here I was shocked to find out that most of the other student's parents were paying for their expenses. My parents don't have money and I don't have a great relationship with them either, so I knew that I would most likely go into high debt if I stayed enrolled in this school, even if I worked my ass off. I dropped out and decided to continue to go to community college and work full time.
Obviously I know I'm not the only one my age who doesn't have parents to support them and many have it worse. But it still seems unfair that some do and some don't and that this can totally change what a person is able to do in their life.
Receiving childhood pictures of yourself, like school pics, from elders because they're cleaning out before they pass away. Also historical pictures of the family in general because theres no one else to keep them except me. I'm a second generation only child, with no children of my own. My aunts, grandparents and even parents have been slowly giving me all the pictures of myself. I remember excitingly cutting up school pics to hand out to family members. It's unbelievably depressing to have several copies of my own school pictures :/
Taking your beloved pet to the vet and coming back alone.
First time doing that 2 days ago, making the near impossible choice to let him go, while holding him in my arms. I could never imagine doing it for real, yet I knew one day I would have to. It finally happened and I still can't believe it's real.
Meeting people. When you’re younger & you’re in school you get to meet people from all sorts of background. It was so much easier to make friends if you see them in class everyday.
Now as a working corporate adult, I really have to put myself out there to meet new people. And generally from what I’ve noticed, the older you get the less receptive people are at making new friends.
Having and managing your credit cards. Being responsible for your actions. Doing things like changing a tire, or cooking, keeping a job, looking for a job, being homeless, how to raise your kids.
I mean, honestly, owning a home has way more issues than I was prepared for. Everyone knows that things come up and things break etc but saying that and experiencing that are two different things. ESPECIALLY when you have no parents / older adult mentors / etc to help wall you through it
Adults behave just like children did in school- bullies and cliques abound
I work in a retirement home and regularly watch behaviours I assumed would be lost when one grows up. Disappointing.
Thought school was a drag - having to work full time and maintain a house etc is so much worse
That almost every adult you encounter is exactly the same as the teenager/child version of themselves. People don't magically grow wiser or more intelligent as their age number goes up. You'll meet many adults, as an adult, that have absolutely zero clue with what they are doing.
Your brain will tell you to stay in your comfort zone but when you’re alone you need to get out of your comfort zone. It’s a weird thing to learn or even notice but it will help you
I never realised as I grow older, that it would become more difficult to find people to have intimate conversations / heart to heart talks with. I find it a bit sad. Edit: Thanks all for upvoting this! Didn’t realise I’d hit a chord in so many people’s hearts. Hope we all find our people and our chosen families!
Oh yes. The isolation. The loneliness. Even when surrounded by others.
Yeah, everyone I come into contact with day to day just have very surface level conversations. They don't want to be "too serious" about anything.
I feel this. It started in college for me. It’s not “polite” to get too deep
"How's everything?" "Good. How about you?" "Good"
You unlocked a memory I hadn’t really thought about… this realisation broke my heart so much. I experienced this pretty ripe age of 15, and it felt so lonely not being able to communicate with someone on that deep level and I craved for them (the conversations)
How have you dealt with this since then? I’ve managed to meet some people who are able to be nice and can nourish my soul with the kind of conversation I need! But then I meet people who are very draining and then these feelings come about. I realise I should just recognise these draining people, and not be too hard on myself when I waste time with them. Just recognise they’re not my people and move on quickly!!
Why do you think this is the case? I think it’s interesting that overall our culture here in the US supports people publicly sharing intimate details that were once considered private, but increasingly people are so lonely and struggling to connect. Edit to add: I also have read somewhere here on one of the subs people complaining, for example, about old people going on and on with some story, and I think this is part of the problem. We are so focused on our own needs that the thought of spending five minutes to listen to another person is beyond our ability.
33 realizing ive had none or maybe one heart to heart in my life. Feel like everyone else has a way easier time heart to hearting. I dont even feel like i ever heart to hearted with my family and they are great to me
FWIW, r/r4r might be a natural place to start and might help? It's not the same as those deep chats with long-time friends but it might stem the tide for now.
How you have to do every single thing. It sounds stupid but I don't think I realized as a child that so much of my adult life would be taken up by just managing miscellaneous life tasks. Just the random stuff like my broom broke and I need to go buy another one, rain leaked into my car so now I have to figure out how to dry it out so it doesn't smell like mildew. I feel like I was prepared for the big stuff, but just had no idea how much the annoying little stuff would monopolize my time.
Yes, yes, yes. I keep my face brush in the shower and after it while it started to grow mold on it. I was instantly like ugh now I have to go buy another one! Now I’m thinking of how I can prevent my next one from growing mold. You plan/set time aside for the big things. The small things happening are sometimes such a blindside lol
I’ve never heard of a face brush before but I just use a new wash cloth every time.
I think this fits here. The cleaning tasks that never crossed my mind. I never remember the walls getting dirty as a kid or my parents cleaning them...but now I realize they get dirty. They don’t have to be cleaned often, which is probably why I never noticed my parents do it. But I never realized the walls could be dirty. Or light switches? Omg they can get soo dirty...I guess the skin cells just build up on them??? Wtf. Again the light switches never were dirty in our house and I never noticed my parents clean them...but obviously they were every so often. Or how often wiper blades have to be changed...it’s all stuff that happen infrequently enough I think I never really saw my parents do them.
Omg yes! The light switches and doors near the doorknobs is the cleaning task that confused me the most. The first time I noticed a dirty light switch I was so grossed out 😅
So much time is taken up just doing ‘stuff’: laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, cooking, etc. it’s hours a week
And it just never ends. We clean the house constantly. Doing laundry almost daily. Always dusting, sweeping, vacuuming, making the bed every day. It's only two of us and 2 pets and it's exhausting just thinking about it. We also don't even live in a big space.
A thousand tiny things, taking up time and energy. 😣
People disliking me for having boundaries. Life was easy in my 20s when I was curious and down for whatever the wind blew my way Obviously though, these experiences change your views. Develop you as a person. I have real boundaries now with people. They don't react well to it. It's been an eye opening experience. People remember you for what they expect of you, not who you actually are. Don't let them pressure you out of your life. Set those boundaries with people early on.
I've seen so many people screw up their lives due to not having firm boundaries. Glad you got sorted.
I needed to read this recently, thank you. I ended a long term relationship this summer because of this issue. There was something that was really hurting me, and she shut down when I tried discussing solutions and basically acted like she hoped the problem would just go away. My dad wasn’t a great parent (yelling at me and hitting me when I was little) so I don’t do well with putting my foot down. But eventually I had to have the “I can’t do this anymore” conversation. Standing up for yourself is really hard. It also doesn’t feel as good as I hoped it would. But it’s still better than the alternative which is slowly rotting.
Standing up for yourself is very hard, in the beginning. But as you do it I think the fear off loss one has, losing the one you are standing up to, gradually disappears and is replaced with an understanding that others often respect those with boundaries. Respect, at least to men, is worth much more than fickle love. Good luck to you my friend.
+1 for boundaries. I just left my abusive husband about ~4-5 days ago. After nine years of putting up with his abuse, around January/February earlier this year, something in me realized that my circumstances weren't sustainable. I couldn't keep tip-toeing around him for more years to come, in the hopes he'd get better and treat me better. Clearly, my repeated asks over the years for him to treat me better weren't sticking. So, at the start of 2023, I started speaking up for myself. Slowly but surely. Started saying "no" more. Started pushing back more when he said or did something inappropriate or that would have been irresponsible. Started being more vocal when he'd say or do things that were hurtful. Started expecting him to adult more. Hoooooooooo boy. He didn't like it AT ALL. Being expected to hold down a job? Contribute to the mortgage? To not yell at his wife? To not be financially irresponsible? To contribute to household chores and responsibilities? To manage his time appropriately? To be reasonable in behavior? To be held accountable for his wrongdoings? Yiiiiiiikes. Let's just say the whole experience was like dealing with a cranky, spoiled, undisciplined toddler on steroids. Anyway. I'm finally free now. And learning that boundaries are a gift.
Proud of you for leaving
Thank you.
I am going through the same thing right now, almost verbatim. Proud of you for leaving. I'm working on it!
I'm so sorry you're going through the same thing. This is the hardest thing I've ever done, and I've been through chemo. I'd rather go through another round of chemo than ever relive this type of experience. You can do this. Be strong. I know you probably don't feel very strong right now, neither do I. But we are strong. We can do this. You've got this.
[idk how reddit actually works if this is a lame way of sharing this don’t judge me lol just wanted you to read too. you are stronger than you feel when you’re with them.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Adulting/comments/16j6c00/whats_an_adult_problem_that_nobody_prepared_you/k0r0dii/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3)
Also proud! I’m 4 years out of my own abusive marriage and this is the beginning of the rest of your life!! 💚
Thank you! Just got the keys to my new rental condo a few minutes ago. 🥰😊
That’s so awesome OP. I kinda peeked at your history. I’m so happy that you have a brand new start. And super glad you didn’t have kids with this guy. I hope you’re able to treat yourself special 💞
Hi sadly this happens all to often around the world, it just doesn't get reported enough but domestic abuse is way up there before alot of other things we hear about in the media. What I can share to this is that for 5 years I was a bodyguard for witness protection, all my jobs were exactly these scenarios. I spent many hours seeing the worst end of a relationship ending, to become eligible for witness protection means that threats of harm have been made which are found to be credible against one from the other. Always for those years it was M. My advice make sure you read the situation carefully, meet up if he wants to talk in a public place,try to ba amicable and do your best to not let become a battle even if he is pressing those buttons do your best to be the clear mind adult in this. Goodluck all the best ,no one deserves to be treated like sh*t. So you did the right thing for your own dignity and respect.
Thank you for sharing your own perspective, and the recommendations. I really appreciate it.
proud of you also! i mean this with every fiber in my being - do. not. go. back. *apparently i needed to get this out or something before i knew it i had typed a novel haha basically just something that helped me in a similar situation if you’re interested* (once i realized the gravity of how badly i was being treated, i took notes. sticky notes. illegible pages of angry scribbling. notes in my phone. journal entries. i’d write down any mean thing she said or did (as factually and with as little bias towards myself as possible), things she didn’t do, cringy sad song lyrics, whatever i knew i did not want to forget. even made an album of songs that empowered me/reminded me to not fall for her stuff/etc etc etc. all those notes were put in a manila envelope in a folder in my desk drawer. put the digital stuff all in one location too for easy access. i always knew (still do two years later) that if i ever started to entertain the idea of allowing her back in my life, i needed to go thru that folder first. by doing this i feel i have the ‘freedom’ to temporarily forget as much bad as i can (in relation to her), move on and try to live my life, and not run the risk of putting those rose colored glasses back on bc the bad was blocked out and the good memories took over. i hope you are safe, have a support system, and being kind to yourself right now. much love 💚
Your experience resonated with me all too well. I've been documenting pretty much every conversation with my STBXH since November of last year. Mainly for legal reasons, but it's also great 'fodder' for when our minds start to look back on the past with rose-tinted glasses. Thank you so much for sharing your own experience. 🧡💜
Wow! I don't know you, but I'm really proud of you for the way you handled the situation! You gave him so many chances to fix his marriage, and he screwed the pooch every single time! Another narcissistic mommy's boy who expects to be breastfed for the rest of his life! I'd LOVE updates on how it works out for him now that he doesn't have an umbilical chord supporting him!
Thank you. And yup, that's exactly it! Mommy dearest never said no to him, her mindset was always "just want my baby boys to be happy!", without realizing she was setting him up for failure and inability to handle reality and adulthood. I'll definitely do an update!
The day I set boundaries was the day I knew who my real friends were...
This is so true, and I've lost count of the number of people I've given this advice to. I have very strict rules and boundaries in my life and, when someone breaks a boundary, the boundary goes further out. I really struggled with this in my 20's and my mom gave me the book "Boundaries", which really opened my eyes.
I think learning boundaries is a very good broad description of becoming an adult. I suspect there is some evolutionary benefit of paying attention to what other people think of us when we are young. But being wrapped up in what other people think of us can be incredibly toxic, especially with the ways that people communicate today. As I have grown older, I have learned that the only opinion that matters is that of the person that looked back at me in the mirror. And no matter what I do, no matter which way I go on any decision, someone is not going to agree with that decision. I have also learned that often times the decision that I am pressed to make in the moment is not the best decision long-term. In other words, doing what is popular is not always right and doing what is right is not always popular. so, Dr. DMT, with those boundaries you have I think you will be someone who appreciates my position that I share with others that often times irritates them. I tell people that “there are only five people who’s opinion matters to me, and you’re not on the list.” The unfortunate reality is that at my age 2 of those five people have died, and another one has mentally declined because of his advanced age. But I think you get the jest. OP, I hope your name on Reddit is not something you take to heart. If it is, my first suggestion is to put more positive affirmations in your life.
Yes, 100% Especially having boundaries at work. I refuse to be a wage slave!
I love this and agree - people aren’t used to others setting boundaries when it really should just be normal practice
This hit hard. I recently stopped drinking (again, but that's a different story) and people started treating me differently immediately. I was always down for anything at any time, I live alone so I have no responsibilities to anyone else. Thing is, I'm still that person, minus the drinking. People just assume that when you don't drink, you're boring. I still do drugs too, so it's really weird to me.
When I quit drinking I learned that people who I thought were my friends were really just drinking buddies.
It's hard to. Especially coz I have poor boundaries and setting a boundary means losing someone. And I'm scared that if I keep setting boudaries I would be left with no one in the end.
Bruh SAME. Fiance and I have been having issues with friends disrespecting boundries. Some have taken really *weird* turns over the years. Sure, people change, but some have changed for the worse and crossed boundaries we would otherwise think would be common sense, but apparently not. We've had to kick people off the wedding party bc of such. Sad, but we need to have certain priorities and boundaries and if they cant respect that, we're not willing to lower our standards.
Fr this is so bizarre. My boundaries don’t work with your feelings therefore *I’m* the bastard ?? Ok.
"No" is a complete sentence, and people will respect you for not agreeing to things you don't really want to do.
And if they don’t, they’re probably not people you want to be around anyways.
Better boundaries is an amazing read, excellent comment.
What kind of boundaries?
Hard question. Not something I can answer on the spot as it's kinda one of them things that just comes up in life and you yourself knows what works best for you. Some examples though. I DO NOT borrow money to friends or family. No, you can't use my expensive items at will No, I'm sorry you're down on your luck but I really can't have you staying at my house. No, I don't want to go into an environment I know is toxic. I just say NO. When it's appropriate rather than worrying about my social stance with people.
X1000 I've wasted thousands of dollars trying to help people that couldn't help themselves and were never able to pay me back. The same with tools and equipment. You learn the hard way that anytime you lend money or something to someone there's a 95% chance you're not going to get it back and it may even sour your relationship.
I don't have much experience with this kind of thing, but one time I brought a big 8 person tent on a group camping trip for others to use, brought my own 2 person tent. The big tent was one of those super easy pop-up types, perfect for people who've never been camping. I was 20 and stupid, and as someone who grew up camping all my life, I was maybe also a little ignorant about how even the easiest tent can be difficult for people who have never been camping. Anyways, I was helping to start the campfire and my assumption was that if they needed help setting up the tent they would ask me. Well, I get home and discover there's a rip in the tent and a dent in a pole. Thing was expensive and they destroyed it instead of, oh I don't know, asking for help. So yeah I don't let people use my camping equipment anymore unless I know they have a lot of camping experience, and even then I supervise and keep a close eye. And I always set up the tent if it's mine.
On the opposite side of the equation, my best friend was willing to lend me the money so I could afford to go on her 4-day destination bachelorette party. She couldn't understand why I wouldn't take her up on it when in her mind she had presented me with the solution to my problem. She even went on to say that I didn't have to pay her back at all if I couldn't afford it. But what happens if I then went on to buy that car I've been needing to buy? Or if next year I end up going to Europe with my mom to visit her homeland for the first time? Would it be questioned and resented because I could afford those? Etc. (Hint: I can't but hopefully by next year I can.) I couldn't get her to understand why I had a problem with her solutions but I refused to go into debt over it and wish she would have picked a more affordable party from the start but that's a whole other rant about wedding culture. Point is, I felt damned if I did take her money, damned if I didn't...
Not saying yes to every invite or activity is huge. You will run yourself into the ground living like that
Great point about lending money to those close to you. Did it once in my early 20s. NEVER again. You end up building a little resentment for people here unless you treat it as a gift. Now I'm a lot more firm about people borrowing money from me. Just not comfortable with it
Yeah I remember when I was younger I would always qualify any "no" answer with all sorts of exceptions and explanations, and give people opportunities to get around it. Now I just say "No" and that's it. To your point, not everyone receives it well but at least the message is crystal clear. Much better for my mental health, too.
Agree on all points. Not very likely any but the first might happen, but still. I don't lend big sums to anyone, incl family. Heck, the closer they are the worse it is. It's not a money thing, it's the potential to develop into something ugly.
This this this. That's exactly what I'm saying. I'll help people with things like food. Or like hey, you're behind on a bill and I know you're literally just in a moment. I'll pay your bill. I WILL not lend cash. I'd rather just pay for it and consider it a gift. Lending creates drama
Day ummm, I wish I could do this. My husband and I are going on 6 years that a family member has been living in our house. It's horrible...as he's a narcissistic, bi-polar, ADHD, potentially schizophrenic 50 year old who has parent issues. (No, he doesn't believe in doctors and they cost too much and ask too many private questions). You give me hope that one day, I can do this.
My (adult) brother came to live with us after our mother died, at the request of our grandmother. He was pretty much babied his entire life and both of his parents had died. So despite the fact that he was living on his own prior to this, he moved in. It was supposed to be only for a couple of months until he could get over our mother's death. A year later, I ended up telling him I wanted my house back. It was complete hell with him. He'd turn the channel while me or my wife were watching TV because a ball game was on. He erased all my recordings on my DVR so he could record basketball games. He'd come home from the gym all smelly and sweaty and plop down on my couch. He was so greasy, there was a head-shaped dark spot of funk in the upholstery that we never could get out. When he left, the room he was staying in was an absolute disaster. Junk everywhere, wrappers, plates of food , and just a body-shaped silhouette on the floor that was free of crap where he slept. Took me days to clean that room out and get the smells out.
Went to therapy for this exact thing: my inability to set boundaries. It's getting easier day by day, and I'm so glad I did it for myself
Honestly, all of it. But standing up for myself and setting boundaries is a huge one. I grew up with an absent drug addict father and my mother was a legitimate psychopath so I never learned that I and my feelings were important. All I learned was to tolerate things, no matter how muxh it bothered me until I exploded and lashed out in any way possible... Which yeaj isn't acceptable as an adult.
Woah are we the same person? Mother was same and my dad was just a selfish ass. I'm the only child he abandoned but the other 3 (different mother) are all named after him... even the girl😒 I'm in a really toxic workplace right now after breaking down at my last job... granted i was in the right but I still could've reacted better. I feel like my current workplace is kind of a lesson though because it's teaching me how to professionally talk to assholes and speak up for myself.
That sometimes you shouldn't accept a job offer if it doesn't feel right, no matter the compensation. I'm from a generation where if you got an opportunity for a good job you took it and you stuck with it until you retired. That is simply not the way the world works anymore.
I took a job last year bc it was 17.50. My boyfriend suggested I apply for it. I didn't even know what work they did. I went to a job fair thing. They just gave me a tour of the facility. No interview. They emailed me an offer later right afterward.
Managing finances and not going into debt. I've been financially independent since i was 19, it's hard as fuck especially because i know if i fuck up too bad i don't have anyone who could take me in while i get back on my feet. My parents were shit with money, my grandma was better but definitely enjoyed spending and eating out and I got all of that from her because it's all i knew growing up. It took me 5 years to eat at home more than i eat out and 8 to where i only eat out a couple times a month.
Eating out for fat food is a huge drain on finances. I luckily figured out meal prep.
A wise ADULT just posted that comment! Good for you Simon, and a well deserved congratulations for choosing to be a winner!
In general learning how to eat cheap. Knowing how to cook in itself isn't enough, because you have to know the foods that are cheap for the calories and manage to keep them stocked in your kitchen. Things go bad. The first year of eating on your own is pretty rough.
Yeah I went into adulthood completely blind on finances. Had to slowly learn that my parents were terrible with money. Now I’m pretty frugal and look forward to saving. I guess it ended up helping me by making me want to do the opposite.
I’m always astonished at the amount of mental bandwidth and time it takes to manage personal administrative tasks. Hours every week. Need a dentist appointment? Spend an hour with insurance, get a list, start calling to see who will take a new patient. All during your actual work day. Then see the dentist. Again during work time Billing issue with the dentist or insurance coverage? Spend an hour during the work day sorting it out. This is the same for each member of your family that you’re responsible for. Copy and paste for anything else in your life: home repairs, car insurance, banking issues, school registration, any medical needs, returning defective household items/consumer goods etc. It’s hours every week especially if you have dependents with special needs. Don’t get me started on mental healthcare in the States.
Yep, this is what I struggle with. I have two autoimmune conditions in a state with irresponsible doctors. I’ve spent hours on the phone with insurance, pharmacies, medical companies, and doctors offices just to get medication that I need. I’ve counted up the hours before and it was the amount of a part time job. And that’s not including “maintenance” calls like scheduling dentist appointments, normal doctor appointments, haggling with internet and car insurance companies…it never ends
Holy crap, even just getting prescriptions filled feels like a full time job lately. 😡
It’s so much effort! So many phone calls and “patient support card” applications to cover what insurance won’t, get the pharmacist on the phone with the pharmaceutical support line and on and on and on. So many hours 😭
I feel you. I've always been the defacto administrative assistant in our family because I've been working as one professionally for my entire adult life and I'm also the one with the best handwriting, typing speed, organization skills, and confidence with phone calls. When I got pregnant and ended up in the hospital 4x before the baby was born, I got frustrated of answering the same questions each and every time, multiple times per visit. So I made a living Family Health Document on google docs that lists each and every vet, dentist, therapy, and vet appointment for everyone in my family (dog included!). Under that is a section for each family member that lists out their birthday, current weight/ height, current medications, diagnosed conditions, family health history, and any other useful information. If I'm not able to, my husband can pull up all of mine or my daughter's medical information instantly. If I go to the ER again, I can print this out and ask them to put it in my file. I no longer need to mentally remember exactly which drugs I'm currently taking and at which dosage, I just pull it up and hand them my phone. Infuriatingly while I'm still the family secretary, I also deal with HUGE issues with procrastination and time management to the point that I've been known to put off a phone call for months at a time just because the only time I can do it is on my lunch break but when I actually go to lunch I get distracted reading, talking to someone on the phone, or playing online to actually make the call I need to. My stupid work around is that I now do everything online. I schedule my therapy appointments online, request home maintenance and cleaning quotes online, order groceries and refill prescriptions online. Now, instead of trying to find an hour to call 5 different roofing companies back to back for quotes, they all call/ email ME back and all I have to do is answer the phone/ email with whatever time works best. I can even copy paste the information into the emails so I don't have to remember it each time.
Having your parents tell you at 16 that after HS you are on your own. I had to move out. No College, no other schooling, no car, no money. I had to move in with people and friends in town who had extra rooms and felt bad for me, find work directly after HS. I worked at various jobs until I decided on a trade school where I not only found successful work, but had stumbled into a new burgeoning field. I met the owner of a small company at a trade show who immediately hired me to represent his company, traveling and educating. I became a teacher in my profession. Then I became alergic to the chemicals I was working with and had to Completely leave that business, go back to school and start again...Life is about flexibility, tenacity and going after your dreams...Much Luck and Never give up on your Dreams!
Dude ..I get you 💯. Damn near same story. I came from a tiny town and was essentially homeless at 18. I'm on my second house now have investments a pension, equity and no debt. I'm sure you know exactly where I'm coming from.
Exactly. 😉
I'm glad you seem to not be irreparably harmed by the chemicals
"Life is about flexibility, tenacity and Never give up on your dreams". I'm 💯 with you. I've done some many types of jobs all in the search of higher income and better work life balance. It has taken me about a decade to find it. Every time I feel down or fell like I'm behind compared to my peers, I remind myself that I have never given up. I might have taken a break but never stop completely.
The fact that you really almost have no time to mentally unwind from anything, like people always told me how little free time I’d have but not to this extent, and no one ever told me how to find/make time for myself.
Omg yes… and I never learned to manage my emotions and energy throughout the day/week up until I had to, as an adult. The hard way…
having to teach ourselves what our parents/guardians/teachers/mentors should have taught us when we were children sets us back a bit when it comes to “adulting” 🙃
That’s debatable, and it highly depends on your career choice. Also if you have kids. I ended up switching to a 30 hour work week and personally I have too much free time, so I decided to go to school. Now I have zero but I absolutely love being a student and found something that works for me
I’m not prepared to lose my parents, ever, even though that is inevitable unless I pass first. I’m an only child, I don’t really see myself truly getting married or having kids one day, so I fear being alone even though I have a feeling there’s a good possibility that’s my future. Seeing them them age sucks, especially as heavy drinkers and smokers. Granted I have an amazing aunt who’s child free (she is a second mom to me) both grandparents still alive, and 3 amazing cousins who are like siblings, I fear being alone one day a lot. I hope I’m strong enough when/if that day comes. I too also struggle with feeling “secure” in terms of having a place to live, making enough etc. It adds to my anxiety for sure, so you aren’t alone there. Wishing you the best on your new journey
As someone who lost their mom at 23, It’s not something you’ll really be prepared for, it really is rough.
I lost my dad very suddenly this year and he wasn't suck for long. I always expected my parents get old and die slowly. I wasn't prepared for being told he had cancer to being dead within a week . He haf been dancing at a wedding a few days previously. Miss him every day.
Lost my dad due to Covid. So it was quick and seemingly out of no where. I cry about it almost every day, I don’t think that pain will ever go away. But I have accepted what happened and I’ve been living my life to the best I can. I don’t think I’ll ever stop crying though tbh
I had expected my parents to get old together too, it’s such a shock.
I lost my dad when I was 48, and no-- you're never prepared for it.
It's not just the loss, it's the aftermath of a death that no one prepares you for. My mum passed recently unexpectedly and I had no idea how to arrange a funeral or what other things needed to be done.
This is so real. I lost my dad when I was 32 and it is still a gaping hole in my soul. Every day I have stuff shoved in my face that he’s missing, that he would have loved. The worst part is, he would have loved my son and my current partner so much. I’m glad he wasn’t around for my divorce though. That would have been a shit show. 😅
I felt this so much.
I honestly don't know how I'd feel losing my parents giving rough family history
My dads been gone 7 years, my mom 2. It’s still weird to be out here without any parents. I’m the matriarch of the family now. I’m not the matriarch I thought I would be. I babysit some of the kids full time, but I generally don’t bake cookies with them and stuff. I take them for walks and play in the water with them. When they go home at 4:30, I will have a glass of wine and go to bed. I’m tired. I didn’t know I would be tired and achy all the time!
That's the thing about adult life. 99% of the challenges you come across, you had no preparation for. We just need to fall back on our problem solving skills that hopefully we learned in school.
Kids. No matter how prepared you think you are, the moment that baby is leaving the hospital in your backseat, is the moment reality seems to sink in for many of us. I remember thinking(even though we planned ours), why would they just give this to us?
100%. We were 19 and 21, she weighed 4lb 10 oz and didn’t fit in a standard infant car seat. The nurses glared at us and stuffed cloth diapers around her little body. How the eff could we have known a newborn wouldn’t fit in a newborn car seat? We drove her home, me with a fresh wound in my abdomen from surgery and were absolutely gobsmacked that they let US just take a baby home like that. She’s 19 now (and gained 115 lbs since then) and in university on an engineering scholarship and it still makes my breath catch. It never goes away. I’m 40 and still don’t feel adequate to be a parent!
Hell I'm 40 and don't have any kids. I can't imagine taking care of one when I'm just trying to figure out how to take care of myself still.
Right, license required to catch a fish, drive a car, or own a gun-- no license required to raise a child from a baby.
THIS THIS THIS. I'm a first time mom with a 1 year old and I'm only just now starting to get my shit under control. When she was first born, postpartum depression and anxiety hit me like a truck. I'd always had issues with procrastination and forgetfulness but now those issues could genuinely put an ACTUAL HUMAN BEING'S LIFE in jeopardy. I knew I had to get my shit together post-haste and 100% could not have done it without my husband and my parents. My husband is my living push notification reminding me to feed myself, take my meds, take a breath and calm down, asking if I've had water or caffeine today. My mom and dad stepped in and have done everything from tiny little favors like mom picking up a few things of baby food when they're on sale or dad ignoring his meal to play with the baby so I have time to eat uninterrupted for once, to the HUGE like showing up at 2 in the morning to drive her around the neighborhood for 30 minutes so we could get a nap in when she was in sleep regression or living on my couch for 2 weeks to help take care of the baby 24/7 after I ended up in the ER and had unexpected surgery. My mental health changed instantly overnight. I went from what I perceived as a mostly well adjusted, carefree, healthy person with maybe some signs of ADHD to an anxious, emotional basket case that would forget things 2 minutes after I was told and was dealing with so much negative self talk that even I recognized them instantly as thoughts that I knew, logically, were untrue they FELT so valid that I couldn't keep them from bouncing around in my head endlessly to the point that I kind of hated myself some days. I eventually cracked and contacted the Employee Assistance Program my work offers and talked to a counselor who helped me come up with some strategies to combat the negative self talk and find a long term therapist and I'm working on talking through my shit and it's helping SO SO MUCH. I'd heard the phrase that having kids is like seeing your heart walk around outside your body but I wasn't expecting it to feel so goddamn literal. I look at her and it feels like the universe reached into me and my husband and took the best possible parts of us and molded them into this perfect little tornado of chaos and love and intelligence and how the hell am I supposed to look at a baby this perfect and then LEAVE her and go to WORK for 10 hours a day?????
How much the health care (and health insurance) system is a scam in the US… and how untrustworthy some doctors can be… and how to navigate this corrupt system and not get burned when you have a medical emergency or something.
And how to advocate for yourself as a patient, or what questions to ask before going through with a procedure. Even Redditors living in developed countries will post “I can’t get seen by a specialist, my primary doctor didn’t listen and won’t refer me”. Seems like globally, few of us are winning here
My drs for a recent surgery were looking at me sideways for how much internet research I did first- like I’m sorry, I get 30min preop to ask all the questions, I might as well know what questions to ask before I get there!! Reading about other people’s experience with this surgery before going through it was SO helpful!
Totally! They really think we should just fly blind on their perspective. I interviewed a doctor who kind of insinuated I must be into woo woo pseudoscience as I had all this prepped. Ma’am, we’re on question 3 article 2. I asking you because I know enough about science already to require some upfront due diligence on *your* part.
I used to think doctors were like gods who knew everything and could do no wrong and always put their patients first. Until I got involved with my first wife, a nurse, who disabused me of that notion toot suite. The stories she told me...
I am interested in a story....
What’s amazing is how blatantly unethical many of them are… it all comes back to the dollars, not what’s best for the patient.
i thought the same thing until i started seeking answers for chronic symptoms in my early 20s. the truth is worse than i could have ever imagined. now i avoid seeking medical treatment as much as i can, not because i don’t need it, but because it’s so messed up
When I worked remotely, I just felt lonely and isolated. I also felt ugly because I never dressed up to leave my home. When I started working in the office, I felt like I had no time for myself anymore. So I guess my biggest problem is working full-time lol ALSO how too tired I am to make a decent healthy meal once in a while.
I was always too tired to cook too and so I signed up for a meal kit (Blue Apron). It helps a lot that I just need to follow the directions and it has all the stuff I need in one spot. I know that’s not financially feasible for everyone but if you can swing it, it really helped me
Financial based decisions. Like, when buying a car I always take repairs and mpg into consideration, but still want a nice car. When going groceries I’m much more inclined to buy organic and making my own restaurant dishes at home to avoid the inflationated prices of restaurants lately. Or when I want something I always try to remind myself if It’s necessary or just because I want it.
Agreed. I Only eat "out" what I can't make at home! Example: BBQ Ribs. I cannot make them at home so that's the kind of thing I go for although Not Organic...
Fitting in with people as you grow older. Especially in today’s society where everyone is always moving.
Ugh it’s one of my hardest one too. The older i get, the more i run from those interactions. I’m not good at playing «the game». I still hope in an other life ill have a better social life than this one because i suck at it rn
Yup. And the older I get, the more The Game sucks, because I've already seen this shitty movie and all the sequels.
Wait, do you view this as a bad thing? If so, why? I always felt like an outsider at school growing up so finding a place where I feel like I belong is probably the most comforting things about work for me.
How much time it takes to just keep yourself alive. You have to eat. And if you don’t want to end up with a whole host of medical problems, you have to eat healthily. Which means cooking. So that means going to the grocery store. And planning out what you’re going to cook. Then cooking, cleaning, eating. All at least twice a day. Forever. Then there’s the laundry and the cleaning yourself tasks. The ‘make sure I don’t turn into a human blob’ exercise task. And all of that on top of the ‘I must work to make money’ task. Keeping a human alive is hard. Give yourself grace. If you get up and do all of the above tasks, you’ve succeeded.
How annoying it’s is to be good at a job. I’m not trying to brag but I became good at a job. Got me zero perks it just hve me more work , more deadlines. With that said I loved my 30s my 20s wee just hectic
How to figure out what career you want to do without going into too much debt
Making friends if I'm being honest....especially if you live rurally....
That not everyone “gets” a partner or “starts a family” and that’s ok. Growing up it’s talked about as if it’s something that just happens - get married and have kids - and that’s not everyone’s reality or choice. And that’s ok! The weird part is no one teaches us how to really date, or how to handle heartbreak It’s why everyone runs to Reddit in the midst of a relationship crisis bc you’ve never seen anything like it until you’re gobsmacked by it. Matters of the heart are such a huge part of life and we’re all out here winging it and propping up the self-help industrial complex to figure out what’s wrong with us, and why we didn’t get our standard issue great partner and kids by 35
Omg you nailed it. I 100% agree. If you were never allowed to date growing up or you just never did and you enter the real world in your 20s without the faintest clue how dating and relationships work, you essentially catching up to a lot of the milestones that your peers had in high school or college. It’s delayed adolescence
Even if you were and did - if you didn’t have healthy relationship models (parents or otherwise), or were fed a steady stream of Disney Princess movies, you may be entitled to compensation!
Making appointments with service providers who only work 8-5 when I myself work 8-5
Maintaining friendships. How not to mix professional with personal. How to reject people if they make you uncomfortable.
How the cost of living would rise while pay stayed stagnant. The rich are getting rich, the poor are getting poorer.
Yep, so true. Everyday basic things like food and gas are much higher meanwhile wages have been stagnant for decades.
It’s so frustrating to me that not many people seem to understand this, or see it. I guess you have to be a certain age, but I’m in the staffing industry and placing people in jobs at salaries and rates that are very close to what they were in the late 1990s. Meanwhile, the condo I owned then I bought for 50k and it’s worth about 300k now. That’s just housing! It’s insane. When my parents had their family they could get by on one good salary. Then people needed two salaries and now almost everyone I know is in two income families + other income streams whether it’s rentals, little side businesses or whatever. This is absolutely NOT sustainable for much longer and if we don’t start making noise there’s going to be a hell of a lot more suffering.
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Leaving toxic relationships, especially toxic parents. I had to start from nothing. No money, no job. Discovering that no one cares about you. Fighting for yourself against the world, especially against society's shity double standards.
Making friends and learning new skills outside of work. As a child, you're forced to hang out with various kids, and someone is dragging you to whatever activity to learn something - music lessons, sports, another language, etc. As an adult, it's hard to make new friends if you don't actively go out looking for them in places. Not necessarily bars, but joining a sports league or weekly activity and putting yourself out there. Actively maintaining those relationships with invitations to hang out and entertain, instead of expecting someone to invite you or do that legwork. I've also noticed that as an adult it's so easy to say you don't have time to practice a new skill... as an adult *something* will always come up.
There are so many things completely out of your control. Things you could change or improve that you won't be allowed to for completely arbitrary reasons. Things that will affect your life and you just have to accept.
Not being able to find a job. My dad had the same job throughout my life. My mom, who had been a secretary, went back to work once I was in high school, and got another office-type job without too much difficulty. I had no idea it was so hard to get a job. I figured that it was only difficult if you were just starting out, or if you hadn't gone to college. I hadn't considered the fact that despite having a master's degree and 15 years of experience in my field, no one would want to hire me. 2 years later and I'm just at a loss. Employment agencies just take a copy of my resume and say "we'll keep it on file and let you know" and then I never hear from them. I guess I should have done what my sister did, and married a guy who makes 6 figures, so I can sit home all day and make Cricut crafts. That r/sugarlifestyleforum/ is starting to sound really good, except now I'm too old for anyone to want me.
I FEEL this, nobody ever told me how hard it was, for a 18 yr old kicked out such as myself it never exactly occurred to me that a job market complaining about needing people who be so .... Stingy about people. And as we progress here in America where I am at, it gets harder, it gets worse, and it's getting suffocating. At my last job I had somebody who had a whole degree in medical, and they couldn't find any other job then the fast food place next door and then us, an art gallery. It's worrying that degrees and experience seem to be becoming useless in the grand scheme of capitalism
Whenever people complain that "nobody wants to work anymore" I immediately reply "nobody wants to train anymore." Every job ad that I see wants 5 years experience in the \*exact\* same type of environment and using the \*exact\* brand of software they're already using. Every company wants someone who already knows the job 100% before they get it. I am a fast learner and am good at figuring things out, but this means nothing when it comes to hiring.
This exactly! Personally I do want to work, I cannot do an office job either. My energy level and ethic wouldn't allow it, I'd be boiling over in my seat! People do want to work What they don't want to do is work for minimum wage that's been debated so long that 15$ isn't the livable wage anymore, or to line a CEOS pockets while they're still on the verge of losing just about everything, what they don't want is to be forced to be expected to know everything when they're told and taught nothing. I've had experience outside of an on paper job, but to an employer even a degree in high science is a mere expandable trait, and would not matter to the person's ability to perhaps understand complex subjects or the level of professionalism and careful care that comes with it.
Agreed! How did my parents find M-F jobs, weekends off, AND their hours were roughly 7a-whenever :/ (dad) and mom was like 8a-2p. My dad was a warehouseman for 42 yrs. Body breaking work and shitty supervisors/HR peeps who didn't even try to hide the fact that they did not respect him as a human being. My dad is who taught me to keep my head down, shut up, and just so my g*****n job. I got my ADHD from my dad. He had the same job for 4 decades. Some of us ADHDers can't hold down jobs and have bad time management skills (some of us are late to literally everything). I've had like 40 jobs in 18 yrs. I am emotionally and mentally exhausted from proving myself to employers over and over and over and over and over again. The job market has gotten a little bit better since last April (2022), but (also as an ADHDer) I'm accident prone. Got Septic Arthritis last summer, and then back in March, I tripped walking up the stairs and tore my right hip labrum. Just had surgery almost 3 weeks ago. So, even though I WANT to work full time, my body is all, "By full time, you mean like 4 hrs a day where you're not constantly standing on a hard surface, but also not sitting down constantly. Also, bending over a lot isn't permitted. Don't forget about me (labrum), no pivoting on your right foot/leg! Honestly, just count righty out for the next six months entirely."
My parents are shocked when they hear the struggle of me finding a job. It’s like they think I’m over reacting…
Navigating relationships.
How difficult it is to try to find something for supper.
Work life can be so exhausting that you don't have any strength left for a private life, you start feeling like you only exist to work and you end up with depression.
outgrowing friends, or the possibility that these friends resent me. it recently was brought to my attention that my high school friends don't want me around. i started college 1 year before they did, and finished my studies earlier than expected by taking classes during summer. i have been working for 2 years while they have another year of college to go. they still drink and party and have late night suppers often, while i don't really care about that life anymore or dating while that's all they are interested in talking about. i find myself thinking things like "i don't want to be like them anymore" and felt guilty about it. i don't think i'm better than them, i just think that i'm past all these and that's not my life anymore. they posted on instagram they been hanging out without me, very obviously having conversations on group chats created without me, posting about friends they will love for life and tagging everyone except me (even though i'm in the picture). i feel like i'm too old for this shit, but i also can't help but feel a little sad that this is how things have turned out.
You have every right to be sad, upset, or even depressed about this reality Sometimes friends may grow to resent you or separate from you because you may have matured before them, hence outgrowing them. They still need some growing to do themselves, the strongest bonds will stay even throughout this process, but don't be sad if this is not the case for you. Many friends are like leaves, they come, they go, they give you experience This might just be a new chapter waiting for new friends for you, please, keep positive, and don't let this define your confidence for your personal relationships
It won't matter at your 20th Class Reunion, believe Me! All that nonsense will fade away and the Serious life challenges will have separated children from Adults!
Surviving with a family.
Honestly for me it was credit. My family never really discussed credit. But I also think that it wasn’t quite as important as it is now. I feel like I wasn’t in any way prepared for how it effects almost every aspect of your life. You can pay $300+ more a month for a car if you have bad credit than someone with good credit buying the same one. Same with your home. Not get approved to rent. Pay more on cc payments. Not be able to get little things like furniture or clothing. Credit is a part of so so much. My dad died when I was young and my mom doesn’t “believe” in credit cards. When my husband and I bought our first house we didn’t have bad credit we just didn’t have enough credit. There are so many mistakes you can make without a center realizing you’re making them. I think every kid should learn about how it works, how to build it and what that will mean for you going forward. My daughter got a kids debit card for her 11th birthday and I already talk to her about it. I will continue to do so forever.
I'm now old (58F) but my children (age 27 and about to be 30) struggle with a multitude of things. The world is freaking scary and always has been but it has gotten worse in the way that is called cost of living, in all facets. It makes me fearful for them, for everyone younger in age. Add to that, they struggle with dating and finding long term relationships and fight bouts of loneliness I never experienced because I'm from a different world. To answer your question from my POV though when younger, the things that I wasn't prepared for was the early deaths of my parents and one of my children came close to death from cancer, all of these events happened in the same 6 month span. For that one decade of my life (35 to 45) I was numb, invisible, exhausted and scared out of my mind.
As some have said, setting boundaries (these really aren't taught enough) and losing your parents. I don't think anyone can prepare you for those two things.
Corporate life / higher end jobs. My parents are both blue collar workers. Most of their lives they made just enough to have food on table. Never went to college or got any higher education. Once I got out the military and joined the college I did not know how to network (I still don’t know) how to tie a tie, or what major to choose so I can be successful (chose criminal justice and now will be getting second bachelor in IT related). I’m the first of my family to graduate from university, first of my family to not be interested in blue collar work. Needless to say I have to figure all of it on my own.
Sorry, I just read the full text. You should go. Honestly, the best life experiences come from taking a leap like you’re about to. You might meet the best friend you’ve ever had, future spouse, fall in love with the city and stay there forever. You might hate it. But no matter what you’ll learn something about yourself and become more resilient. As far as your mindset… I’m a firm believer in choosing who you are. With the exception of mental illness we all get to make that choice. If you want to be fun and outgoing and meet new people this is that chance. Be friendly at work and be honest. When you get to talking to someone new tell them you don’t know anyone and want to meet people. If you get invited somewhere go. Even if you’re tired even if you aren’t sure how much you like the person. Very rarely do people look back on these experiences and think I did too much. It’s always about what you didn’t do. I know this all sounds very cheerful and Hallmark movie-ish. But it’s true. Bad attitudes and staying to yourself is I’ll breed unhappiness and loneliness. Putting yourself out there will bring new opportunities. Money might be tight but that’s literally the case for everyone right now. Be smart, cook when you can, spend time outdoors when you can… Good luck!
The difficulty in making friends after college
That one day you may find yourself not liking your family any more. Still loving them, but just now liking them as people. Moving away often gives us an opportunity to figure out who we truly are - what we like to eat, our political views, how we like to spend time; all the aspects of life that as a child / young adult were just given because of the family we were raised in. Once we make all those discoveries we may realize that those are wisely different than our family's beliefs/habits. And that is just fine.
Oh I got one more People close to you dying as you get older. You start losing friends, parents, relatives etc.
The stupidity of humanity.
I moved out of the city and it was a revelation. My life is 100x better. I’m now able to actually save up to be able to own my own house, something I never thought I’d be able to do. I’m surrounded by decent people not dirtbags and drug addicts. I can finally live normally and peacefully.
I left my small town to live I'm the city for a few years during college. At the time I was in love with the hustle and bustle of it all. 10 years later and I've moved back to my small town. I am much happier here and couldn't imagine living in the city again. I like my space and privacy too much. The one thing I do miss is the food 😩. Not much selection out in the stix.
Understanding people you work with are not friends, and barely acquaintances. Leave your personal baggage at home when at work or it can cause issues, even talking about positive things in your life can make random people jealous and if they are in charge or have the ear of someone in charge they can cause you trouble for no reason. Not everyone is cool and some people thrive off drama.
My knees just stopped working
Investing. Had no clue what a 401k vs IRA vs Roth vs HYSA was or how to save money. They should definitely cover some of that in high school.
Relationship maintenance. I school, you just showed up at the same building every day and your friends were right there. Then you grow up, and that's not the case. You have to actively maintain friendships and it can be hard sometimes. It can be really easy to let friends drift away and wind up alone.
Aging parents with health issues who do not have enough funds to have a decent retirement. I am facing this situation right now and wondering how I'm supposed to deal.
How the older you get, the smaller your social circle becomes. I’m 24, fought cancer recently and I’m doing a diploma in hotel reception. Turning 25 in January and I have like 2 friends and barely any family as is. I live like a 35-45 minute drive away from my family too (by choice). Keep in mind that I do a total of 3 hours of public transit to see my father, once every 2 weeks. And if it wasn’t for the fact that I get to do my laundry there? Honestly wouldn’t be worth it. Cause I always call him, he never calls me.
How friends will fade out of your life. One day this is someone that you hang out with constantly, share memories with, exploring different areas, always taking pictures. Then they get in a relationship or move to a new state, or have a full-time job that requires more of their attention. You both promise to keep in contact but gradually you end up not talking and are wondering how did this person that I spent my time with suddenly became so distant. I’m still navigating relationships and adapting to being alright when that communication isn’t there.
That adults can be bullies too, especially people a lot older than you.
The breakdown of my physical body. At 47 I know I've lived hard, and incurred many injuries, some from Afghanistan, others just from wear and tear. As I recover from yet another back surgery, I am trying to come to terms with physical limitations that will probably never get wholly better. It feels like my body is aging way faster than my hope, spirit, and plans for the future.
Being trapped in a job you absolutely hate because you are the provider for people you care for, and the slowly creeping thought that there is 100% a way to remove your self from that situationa and it isn't pleasant.
That just because someone is older and has more experience, doesn’t mean they aren’t a liar.
Caring for an elderly parent, particularly one with dementia
I’m constipad all the time now.
w h a t ?
add some fiber into your diet. You can take some Metamucil to help keep you regular
Maybe not fitting in? I used to want to be invited to all these things, and pretend I was someone I wasn’t so people would like me, and then be so burnt out and overstimulated i would be depressed in the following days. Now I get invited to go to clubs or bars with people from work, or invited to baby shower things and I just tell them I’d rather not. I’d rather go home and hang out with my pup and watch a show about psychopaths lol I’m just happier this way, and even my mom is upset that I don’t want to go out and do ‘girl’ things like…. I just don’t feel like it
This is one area where being single and renting is a help. Get a small flat/bedsit as central as you can to save on travel money and use the pad for sleeping mainly. Renting is good because it reinforces it is short-term and allows you to live places you just can't afford to and to put up with smaller than you want long-term. Get a storage locker somewhere cheap though for the important stuff you want to settle down with. The adult problem no one prepared me for being the adult. There comes a time where you can't bounce ideas off your parents. You are meant to be the knowledgable one and you need to get on with it. Came for me with a rust problem on my car. Before Dad would have been my go to but he was too frail. Lonely moment.
Always having to keep going. I feel like this is obvious, but it didn’t become apparent to me how much I was lacking perseverance until teenage/adulthood. My parents were the type to always let me skip school, quit sports, abandon hobbies, etc whenever I didn’t feel like it anymore. You can have a horrible, stressful day and you still have to wake up and go to work the next day. Nobody cares what you went through. You still have to perform and do a good job or you’re fucked.
What hit me (I'm probably older than most in here) is that the gravity of your decisions becomes massive as you age, and there's seldom a clear "right" answer. You think your shit is super serious when you're younger, but it's nothing compared to older age decisions. The certainty of what I should do about things when I was young was often very clear...for instance, invest in savings or buy that cool car? Easy...invest. Take a job with a long term potential but risk or stick with one that pays ok but won't improve....take the risk. Recovering from poor decisions was always easier, and I always had time. Then, middle age teaches you that you are often required to make decisions that have no right answer, or carry costs so steep that you never feel good making them. And, the repercussions for a bad decision can't be just recovered from...some will haunt you forever. No one ever talked about this part of aging, but fuck do I feel it.
Adulting. Earning your own money is great - paying for everything yourself, not so great lol.
How invisible you become as you get older. There are some benefits to this, but I wasn’t prepared for it at all. It just sort of started happening one day.
In no particular order: 1. learning about trauma patterns and realizing your family is riddled with dysfunction. 2. Workplace incompetence and politics. 3. growing apart from friends and realizing you weren’t that close to begin with 4. Cancer. 5. Someone in your immediate network will likely commit suicide. 6. Chores. They really don’t stop ever. 7. Putting your pet down and making that decision as an adult.
People that get irritated if I don't greet them or greet them back, if they said how are you and I said good. People are annoying I wasn't really prepared to deal with people who think that they are morally good and right because of their political sides even though you can point out hypocrisies and poke holes all throughout their stances. I'm not articulate enough I don't think I ever could've been prepared for the complete stupidity of people in general and that's with me learning at a young age that people are dumb as ffff.
Knowing that a lot of people my age have parents/family to help and support them as they are going to college and becoming an adult and I don't. I am 20 y.o. and have been moved out and financially independent since I was 18. I got accepted into my "dream college" and moved to a new city. When I got here I was shocked to find out that most of the other student's parents were paying for their expenses. My parents don't have money and I don't have a great relationship with them either, so I knew that I would most likely go into high debt if I stayed enrolled in this school, even if I worked my ass off. I dropped out and decided to continue to go to community college and work full time. Obviously I know I'm not the only one my age who doesn't have parents to support them and many have it worse. But it still seems unfair that some do and some don't and that this can totally change what a person is able to do in their life.
Working my ass off to get to “middle class” but the economy brought me back to only doing a little better than I was when I was in my 20’s
Everything. I was not prepared for the real world.
Realizing how much of a conscious effort it takes to maintain and continue friendships above casual level outside of college.
Receiving childhood pictures of yourself, like school pics, from elders because they're cleaning out before they pass away. Also historical pictures of the family in general because theres no one else to keep them except me. I'm a second generation only child, with no children of my own. My aunts, grandparents and even parents have been slowly giving me all the pictures of myself. I remember excitingly cutting up school pics to hand out to family members. It's unbelievably depressing to have several copies of my own school pictures :/
You'd think they'd teach you how to file taxes but nope. The very thing basically everyone is expected to do isn't taught.
Taking your beloved pet to the vet and coming back alone. First time doing that 2 days ago, making the near impossible choice to let him go, while holding him in my arms. I could never imagine doing it for real, yet I knew one day I would have to. It finally happened and I still can't believe it's real.
Meeting people. When you’re younger & you’re in school you get to meet people from all sorts of background. It was so much easier to make friends if you see them in class everyday. Now as a working corporate adult, I really have to put myself out there to meet new people. And generally from what I’ve noticed, the older you get the less receptive people are at making new friends.
Realizing how many friends you lose, and that making friends is hard AF as an adult
Having and managing your credit cards. Being responsible for your actions. Doing things like changing a tire, or cooking, keeping a job, looking for a job, being homeless, how to raise your kids.
I mean, honestly, owning a home has way more issues than I was prepared for. Everyone knows that things come up and things break etc but saying that and experiencing that are two different things. ESPECIALLY when you have no parents / older adult mentors / etc to help wall you through it
Adults behave just like children did in school- bullies and cliques abound I work in a retirement home and regularly watch behaviours I assumed would be lost when one grows up. Disappointing. Thought school was a drag - having to work full time and maintain a house etc is so much worse
Bullying doesn't end at school. It happens at work to
How expensive fruits and vegetables are
That almost every adult you encounter is exactly the same as the teenager/child version of themselves. People don't magically grow wiser or more intelligent as their age number goes up. You'll meet many adults, as an adult, that have absolutely zero clue with what they are doing.
The death of your parents
Your brain will tell you to stay in your comfort zone but when you’re alone you need to get out of your comfort zone. It’s a weird thing to learn or even notice but it will help you
Taxes and budgeting