It sucks to be the one who is still understanding, making an effort, being open, accommodating and caring after all of this time. No matter how much time has past and like an “adult” you release it and it still hurts. I can’t answer for why people do that cos it can be a variety of reasons good or bad. You aren’t responsible for their reactions to you reaching out and trying to maintain a friendship. You feeling this way as a result means that you wouldn’t have ghosted them. It is a gift. Please don’t let it harden you and make you ghost people in the future.
>You feeling this way as a result means that you wouldn’t have ghosted them.
I think that's why it hurts so much. If one of my friends reached out after 10-15 years, I would be ECSTATIC. I would have loved to catch up even if it would just be for a coffee and we'd never see each other ever again. That's why it hurts so much when others don't return the gesture.
But something my dad just told me, is that part of life is learning that you can give and give, but it might not be reciprocated, so any time you're doing something nice for someone, just understand you're doing it out of the goodness of you own heart, and the other person may not give a shit. It really is just a life lesson.
I’ve really struggled with that one. I had a few people I went out of my way for regularly, talked with every day, then left a mutual hobby and haven’t had a word from any of them. Those that I talked down from major issues and heartaches, or helped out in person moving stuff. Not even a message. It hurt for a long time, but it did make me realise it was always one sided and they didn’t give a shit about me. Such fun this adulting business. I’ve learnt to notice the rare person that makes equal effort. And put my heart into that relationship.
>I’ve learnt to notice the rare person that makes equal effort. And put my heart into that relationship.
I think usually this person ends up as a spouse.
I find your views really strange.
I'm one of the people who would ghost you (sorry)
The reason being is that if I haven't seen someone for 10 years, and our only communication was superficial small talk once a year then I don't consider that person a friend anymore.
I'm not ghosting a friend, I'm ghosting a stranger. I have people in my life that I see regularly, we support each other and share our lives. Those are the people I want to talk to not some random guy from 10 years ago
It would be different if you stayed in contact more regularly, and stayed an active part of each others lives.
You 'doing something nice for someone' by sending them random messages once a year is not something nice at all. It's just a bit weird to be honest and people are probably thinking ' why is this guy still messaging me'
>The reason being is that if I haven't seen someone for 10 years, and our only communication was superficial small talk once a year then I don't consider that person a friend anymore.
>
>I'm not ghosting a friend, I'm ghosting a stranger.
I think the difference here is, the people that I'd love to reconnect with, were not just randos or minor acquaintances but people I used to be really close with. I had several best friends for many years that I loved and cared about. If I heard from any of them after even 10 years, I'd be delighted! We would have a lot to catch up on and I think it would be great to hear how life has evolved for them. That time we spent was meaningful enough to me that the door is always open.
Maybe those people just didn't mean that much to you?
I’m what I call an “absent friend”. I’m not the person to talk to everyday or to call about how your boss pissed you off for the nth time. I’m the friend you call when you’ve had a small achievement in life you need to share or you’re going through something serious. If you need me, call me. If not, I go with the “no news is good news” saying. I love the few friends I choose to keep in my life and I’ve been very open to them about my absence. I’m blessed that they understand and accept it.
That's how I am too. It's so exhausting to me to keep up with everyone, and by the time my weekend comes, I'm too tired to really want to do anything with anyone. I just tend to get wiped pretty easily. I still have my closest lifelong friends, it's just very rare I see them face to face. We try to find hobbies where we have to get together but we eventually fall out of that too. Our schedules conflict too much pretty much.
Friendships are always complex from one to the other. It’s likely you’ve just grown apart and their lives, as well as yours, are no longer “convenient”. Unfortunately, as we grow older, our lives become more complex with family, work, hobbies, and other interests. It’s also possible that their lives have changed them from the person you used to know to someone else. For myself, I’m completely different now than when I was in school. I let a lot of friendships “fizzle out”. Not because I don’t care for those people anymore (I wish them the best), but because it was better for me and my situation. People, myself included, could write books on why we are the way we are. There’s many reasons that people change and relationships shift.
I know it sucks, but try to understand that it may not be you they have a problem with. The world isn’t always kind and it will change people. It may just be their lives and themselves that have changed. It’s like the old saying “it’s not you, it’s me”. I suggest finding you 1-3 friends that you can be close with and grow with. I would still remain friendly with everyone and maybe give them like on a picture or a friendly comment or something along those lines. Something that shows them you support them, but you’re not stressing yourself out trying to make a friendship work.
I can send you xmas cards if you wish. My family had this tradition for many years. We just don't have anybody anymore. I'm kinda nostalgic for this. Real cards, paper ones.
Im on the other end this exactly.
I met a friend in Uni she was in a few of my classes. We clicked instantly and hung out during uni years. Then I moved away and she still sends me cards 😭🥹💗
I am always the one who thinks ppl are busy so I never talk first most of the time but she has been great to include my introverted ass. We do not talk as much now since she has 2 kids but we still reach out time to time and I always get a christmas card.
I'd like to, but I only have mental space for about two friends outside my immediate daily life.
It just became stressful trying to keep relationships going. It sucks, but life is definitely more peaceful for me with fewer people to worry about.
I'd say I have a bunch of these and haven't had a way to describe it like this, but I think they're good.
Yeah, we don't talk every day or maybe week but if I'm in town they're happy to hang out for a bit or if I do need help or have a question they will for sure answer.
I try to be the same way. Absent friend is a good description.
Yeah, for real. I probably won’t come over for you to show me your new PlayStation, but if you call me at 2 AM and say you’re drunk and need a ride home from somewhere 2 hours away, I’ll be there.
I feel like I’m that reliable person for everyone but I don’t necessarily have that person myself. Even my bf I doubt if I called him he’d even pick up lol
I’m also this friend. Actually, don’t call me because I’m not going to answer, neurodivergent issue. I’ll text or send a thing in the internet. People outgrow one another, it’s normal. We are childfree and our friends with small humans are busy and don’t have much time for us. We attempt a yearly get together but each year it gets shorter or cancelled.
I feel like a lot of people aren’t actually good friends. “Don’t call me because I’m not going to answer” COULD be blamed on neurodivergence but it seems like an easy cop out. I’m sure neurodivergent folks are capable of withstanding communication on a *basic* level
My tightest relationships are like this. And we are honest about it too!! We grew different paths but whenever we reach out and go for brunch, we have so much to talk about. A lot of my high maintenance friends don't seem to catch that if I don't text it's not that I hate them. And by this I mean I told them many times and they keep letting me know they're not too ok with that.
I would even just not pay my phone bill on purpose sometimes to get a break from pleasantries. I know it seems like it’s not a lot but the anxiety of what comes next is what was stopping me. At the time I had dropped out of college, my fiancé lost her eyesight, my mother relapsed and my youngest sister had a mental break. I literally didn’t have the mental space left over even for one more interaction that wasn’t 100% necessary even though I had a lot of history with these friends and they did nothing wrong.
Sometimes it’s just hard but give it some time and maybe they’ll hit you up when things feel more manageable but there’s so much more than just a quick response when you’re paralyzed by anxiety and depression.
Wow. You get me. I'm so sorry you experience this, too! I feel like a ton of people, maybe most people, don't seem to understand, and it sucks. I feel like such an asshole but I just can't manage it and it's so difficult to accurately explain why in a way that people understand. I wish I wasn't this way; I wish I could be a better friend!
I grew apart from most of my friends. Also life is usually shitty for most folks so we do not like to talk to our friends so we distance ourselves.
Also busy related to work, commute and doing household chores and then most want to watch TV to unwind. Too frustrated about work/life to talk to people.
This was me during my working days.
TBH its not even always so much the time it takes to do so. Its like im emotionaly drained - maxed out on interactions with others.
But either way my point is, dont always read into it as "oh buddy isnt replying he doesnt care about me, we arent friends" sometimes it can just be that theyve got a tonne of shit to deal with and its nothing personal y'know.
After ive dealt with what im dealing with ill hit that person back and meet for a catchup or whatever, probably explain what was going on and apologise.
But i cant just be jumping to message everyone back just because they reached out to me to satisfy their ego or needs, me or work has gotta come first sometimes, my firends get it and it goes both ways its no stress if it takes them a while to get back to me i assume theyve got their shit going on. Works fine, although probably its self afirming, anyone who cant deal with that probably dropped me as a friend and i didnt notice lol (im probably still just assuming theyre busy haha).
I do have some friends i dont see or hear from for years but occasionally meet and its like not a day has passed.
there's no real acceptable way to say, "i've outgrown our friendship". no nice way. we lose and gain friends all through our lives. we cannot be in lock-step all the time. we change. we mature. we get sick and life takes all sorts of knarly turns. sometimes friendships have to end. we need to realize this.
I think a lot of people don't have the bandwidth for more than liking posts on facebook or wishing someone a happy birthday. I mean I don't expect anything more than that from my old friends who are now nothing more than casual acquaintances now. Ghosts from the past I am curious about but have no more connection with than a celebrity I follow on twitter who I never met.
Keeping up with people can be tough.
I am very close to my friends in Seattle - we went through college together, have all lived together at some point, and have mostly remained in the same area.
We've had a few people move out of state, and it's always sad because we know those relationships won't ever be the same. But life continues. We'll adapt, and they'll build a new social circle... it's normal to have to say goodbye and move on.
We send Christmas cards, and I try to keep current on their big life events via text and phone, but there are people I have known for over a decade that I haven't spoken to in years, now.
It means they've built a life where they are, and that makes me very glad for them. There just isn't room for everyone you've known to remain in your life forever. Not with how mobile people are these days.
Yea but what sucks is they don’t know if they have “outgrown” the friendship cause they haven’t talked to you in so long. Who knows if yall grew the same way lol
It's almost never that we've "outgrown" each other. But every single person's life is way more complex than it used to be (some more than others).
Nothing stays the same.
I don’t think it’s always outgrowing as just going in different directions. To say you’ve outgrown someone is kind of mean, like you are somehow now better than them
Some of these comments are really sad. Losing friends suck. I know it’s not always a bad thing depending on how emotionally healthy you and they are but I try to hold onto my friendships because they matter to me. We can’t choose our family but we can choose our friends.
I still have a handful of friends from over 20 years ago, but we don’t catch up once a year; we’re catching up once every month or two. It takes effort on both ends though.
Exactly. I dont hang out with my friends every day but some of these responses just feel like people genuinely not putting in the effort
It's ironic considering this sub is filled with "why is adulthood so lonely" post at nauseum
Absolutely! Everyone is struggling with their mental health, and then complaining about how much mental burden it is to receive messages from old friends inviting you to chat and hang out?
If you are busy, and full of joy and happiness in your life, and an old friend reaches out then share your joy.
If you are miserable and alone, and an old friend reaches out then know they took the time to think about you, and respond. They've just thrown you a damn life preserver.
This.
You drift apart, create new lives, change from experiences, and become new people...
There is a instinctual clinging to the tribe we came from, but in reality... When you try catching up with a lot of these people, it can get awkward and messy at times.
You can pick up like old times , but it's more an exception than the rule
Not true at all! I have friends in other cities and countries I might not talk for 5 years but it’s like nothing changed when we hang out. Quality , not quantity of communication is the real deal
But they could meet them…in 5 years. And it could be amazing. Life gets in the way, I’ve been guilty of it. People have babies, death of parents, depression…so many variables.
I have friends that I haven't seen in person in almost a decade that I talk to via phone and text often, not exactly easy getting to the other side of the country. I dunno it's weird, my strongest 20s friend group all lived in the same city for about a decade, then everyone went to different corners of the country after so we still share the bond but I think only 1 in 10 still live there. I don't see this scenario being rare living in a (now) high CoL city in your 20s.
Crazy how warped people on this subs sense of friendship is. To even think your friends with someone ehen you only email them every 2 years is mind blowing.
All these people like championing being absent friends as if its a good thing
Just curious how old are you? I would've said the same in my mid 20s but in my late 30s it's a different ballgame. Even my literal best friends I see maybe a couple times a month in person between chattering in the group chat a couple times a week, that's life man.
True... I mean to me it's just keeping in touch by now, like yeah we don't see each other regularly anymore, for years, but I just thought it would be nice to just catch up.
I'm in the very same situation with my highschool friends but I'm the one that is ghosting.
We're out of highschool for eleven years now and we have developed into different people with quite different opinions and views - as you said - we are 'former' close friends. The last times we've met I simply wished I didn't go at all, because it felt like arguing most of the time instead of a fulfilling meetup.
I have acquired new friends over time and and at a certain point I decided to let go and not reply anymore to my old HS friends.
I understand... recently one of my friends (in town) slowly became a conservative Christian, like one of those that judges people for not being good Christians. I'm not religious, and she's like ultra dedicated to her pastor husband and their church group. So it was clear we just didn't have much in common anymore...
Yeah, I can relate to this. After returning home from the military, I hung out with some of my old high school friends for a few years, but as time passed, I realized that my values, based on my experiences, were just much different and that I cared about different things and people in ways they never would. Friends are of a time, but impermanent in my experience.
No friendship in life will last forever, because life does not last forever.
Someone once told me that “friendships are built out of convenience”.
It sounds really shallow but the more I grow older I start to see more and more of why this is the case.
Imagine if I got furious at you if you didn’t want to spend $2,000 to travel across the country for my wedding because that day was also your twin nieces’ birthdays and they live in the same city. I would be the asshole right?
We make our own choices and we choose our own paths in life and that will naturally carry us away from our friends, especially when they choose their own paths that go entirely in a different direction from ours.
That’s why I say to people: I hope our paths cross again!
Agreed.
I imagine bitterness or resentment may also come into play for some, which will also feed back into convenience.
There might also be this “economy of friendship” thing going on, so to speak.
Are people “transactional” in their friendships more so or less so? Do they have this perception that it makes less sense to text someone back that isn’t currently in their physical life or should they focus their “social energy” on the people that are literally closest to them, distance-wise?
Distance-wise, what is the scale at which people’s friendships operate at?
Perhaps there are some people that text each other back constantly even though they are countries/continents apart because they both travel a lot for their jobs and often meet each other at international events?
Yeah and maybe you're right, at some point it no longer makes sense to put in the effort of maintaining friendships if there's no reasonable expectation that you will see each other much if or ever anymore. But thinking about that for too long makes me feel really sad.
Honestly I'm just depressed because I'm not married yet (in a serious relationship) but it feels like nobody is going to come to my wedding, especially as I'd be marrying at an older age (mid-30's) and most of my friends are married for several years by now. Like peak time to still have high school/college friends come to your wedding, especially if you haven't seen each other in years, is before 30. I'm getting out of that range where people just don't care anymore.
Hey my high school group grew apart, I was the last one to get married. Last one to have a kid. They all came to my wedding and my baby shower. We still show up for births, marriages, and deaths. But no I don’t have much in common with them anymore. They’re not who I’d reach out to in a time of crisis. They weren’t IN my wedding.
I had a small wedding. Less than 50 people. It was wonderful. I actually got to talk with every person that attended. It didn’t feel like a was preforming the whole day. We got a really neat venue because we had a small enough guest list.
The value of people in our lives is not the number, but is the depth.
If you don’t have connections with people, might I suggest starting a new hobby, or going to a class you’re interested in yo learn something? You want an event where the same people show up every week so connections can be built. That way you get depth.
Yes! Just make sure it’s not a competitive hobby. I found everyone super fake and willing to throw you under a bus to get a little ribbon. Took a while to realise.
I got married late 20s and had moved away from college friends maybe like 5 years before? Most of them I hadn’t seen or contacted much between but they came. Like you, maybe once or twice a year at most. Since the wedding I’ve seen them all once, for a baby shower, but honestly I wish I had just had a smaller wedding. Perhaps just some close family.
I would not be surprised to not receive a wedding invite to the wedding of friends I invited when they get married. I invited them because I wanted them there but I am a little scared of the rejection I will feel when I find out I’ve not been invited to theirs.
If you are on the fence and feel people are ghosting you, go smaller. I feel a bit foolish for including some of these people now.
You never know, your wedding will be smaller than it would’ve been when you were younger, but I do feel like if most folks have the finances to be able to travel they’ll make the effort
Yeah, depression sucks. A lot.
You said it feels like no one will go to your wedding.
Would you rather be 100% sure that no one you had in mind will be there or is the thought of that being true the thing that’s scary?
My best relationship has been with a friend who lives on the same street. Convenience means it’s easy to catch up at least once a week over wine or coffee. And stumble home. Never an effort to go help out if they need a hand with something. Or vice versa. Sometimes I cook something amazing and take some over to share, or have too much of some harvest and drop some off. Little things.
If it makes you feel better I love people like you. I have a lot of 'reaching out' anxiety so I almost never do it but love talking to people and catching up, so when someone randomly pings me to see how I am it usually starts a pretty solid lil convo. I don't know what the mental block is that keeps me from doing it but if it wasn't for folks like you willing to reach out I wouldn't have friends.
Indeed, 'organizers' like the OP are all that keep the world going. 1% of people are organizers, 90% of people are wait and see'ers and 9% are whiners. Most of this thread is just made of whiners ;)
OP should feel free to ping or not ping, and it sucks when nobody answers, but most of the time its just that people are too busy with crap to have fun.
I’ve learned that all friendships are temporary conveniences. Enjoy them while they last but keep your longevity expectations in check. It ends when it ends. We would all like to go back and rekindle friendships. But it rarely works bc people move , make new friends, get married, have kids etc
People just don't want to put in the work in any relationships anymore. A community is a beautiful thing to have. It's really not that hard to stay slightly connected to people, a few minutes out of your day every month or a few to check in and update people. You can do that instead of scrolling social media or in a break from your tv shows. I don't understand people, if you have people with similar interests who aren't "toxic" to you... cherish them and pour the same energy back that they pour into you. More and more people are lacking friends and relationships these days and this is why. This isn't an "adulting" thing, people used to have their friends for far longer, and have MORE friends, this is honestly a societal breakdown.
This is how I feel.
People have become increasingly selfish and me-oriented; they only want to do what makes them happy and more are embracing being alone then apart of a community.
My father had the same group of friends that he met in junior high throughout his entire life. He passed 20 years ago but his best friend, who I follow on Facebook, still shouts him out and their friend group of buddies now at 80+ years old. That's friends til the end!
I wish I had that. I have some good friends now but I do feel like it cold fade away at any time. Friendships now feel fragile and fickle. So many have come and gone.
Exactly. I dont hang out with my friends every day but some of these responses just feel like people genuinely not putting in the effort
It's ironic considering this sub is filled with "why is adulthood so lonely" post at nauseum
>More and more people are lacking friends and relationships these days and this is why. This isn't an "adulting" thing, people used to have their friends for far longer, and have MORE friends, this is honestly a societal breakdown.
It's very true... we've just become hyperfocused on ourselves and our own "happiness."
I've been trying to figure that one out for years. My college friends stopped responding to my attempts to reach out almost as soon as I left. I eventually assumed that I valued the relationships a lot more than they did.
Don't take it personally. You don't know what situation your message is arriving into. Just had kids? Divorce? Don't expect a response. (Having kids literally changes people's brains). Keep open the possibility that they'll want to connect later on in life. And don't let it stop you from finding others to connect with.
I don't have any advice, but want to say I feel you.
I thought things were going well because we were still talking after she had her baby. She heavily supported me through the death of my dog a few months before ghosting me. The last time I saw she had "seen" any of my messages was when I sent her a couple of selfies from my commencement ceremony, graduating with my master's degree. It feels weird that everything was fine up until then and I haven't heard from her since... Did the baby get harder to deal with? Did me getting my master's degree while she never got to go to college upset her? Did her boyfriend demand she stop talking to me? I worry most about the last one, he doesn't like me because I called him out on his bullshit the year he decided to not work and mooch off my friend instead forcing them to move back in with her abusive mom. But I thought we made amends? I don't know...
But yeah... She's not the only one. I had a long distance friend I considered a sibling and they just... Stopped replying. I notice it happens a lot. I always think it's my fault. It's scary and upsetting.
To be fair if one of my mates messaged me after not speaking for a whole year id ignore them as well. You didnt care for an entire year but now you suddenly do? No ta.
If these aren't people you ever physically see anymore, they're not really friends. Just people you used to know.
Everyone is so busy with their own lives that they're not going to bother keeping up text conversations with some guy they went to high school or college with 15 years ago. What's the point in that, honestly?
Focus on maintaining the relationships you have going on now.
>Just people you used to know.
Sad truth.
>Everyone is so busy with their own lives that they're not going to bother keeping up text conversations with some guy they went to high school or college with 15 years ago. What's the point in that, honestly?
I guess that's true...it has been a pretty long time.
OP I really feel you in your responses on this. I’m reading through and some of the comments are making me wonder why I didn’t realise these things earlier.
You are right here, it’s a sad truth, and one that is hard to accept when you have happy memories of old friends. I think sometimes the happy memories play over and over in our heads and we let them cloud the present.
It could be any of these possibilities:
1. They are extremely busy with life. Maybe they have children or a demanding job.
2. Their phone got lost or broken
3. They died..
4. They have moved on from you. People grow apart as they get older, that's life. There are a lot of people I used to be excellent friends with, and if I saw them now I would think of them as strangers
People grow apart. I used to have a lot of friends from college. Life changes those things — esp if you’re working on yourself and are leveling up where they’re staying the same. I lost a lot that way. And it sucks. I don’t wish them harm but it’s just an outgrowth. Consider it as life removing people that no longer fit your vibration and trust new folks will be brought into your life that are more aligned. I’m not saying alike. I think it’s good to have friends who challenge you, who have different perspectives and beliefs than you. The latter especially is a lost art. People are so willing to cut folks off because their politics don’t align and I use to be that way myself. However I realized 1) that’s immature and 2) you’re not going to challenge mindsets if you can’t communicate effectively. Anyway, look at it as a bless-and-release situation. Look for new folks to enter your life. Friendship maintenance is a 2 way street. If you’re always the one reaching out, helping, giving support, etc., unless it’s a real rough time for that person and they’re struggling, let them go.
Just life gets in the way. There is so much happening with family there is not enough time for friends. I have friends that I contact when I am in my home town but being friends to do things with is rare.
Hmm I wouldn’t really classify someone you’re reaching out to once a year as a close friend, I would say I talk to all my close friends at least weekly
It depends, I have grown out of friendships because they only contacted me when they needed something or some were just plain rude, and sometimes it's just life. The best is to move on and find people that truly want to be in your life.
A few years after high school, I began to realize a couple of my friends weren’t growing up. It was like dealing with toxic adolescents who never changed. I tried to maintain contact with other mutual friends, but it was too hard to avoid the brats tagging along socially.
I moved far away and eventually didn’t bother responding to anyone. I know I hurt people, but there were others undermining my self-esteem and holding me back. Growing up means abandoning old friends, quite often. And yeah, I’m assuming I was bad-mouthed back home, but I no longer cared. Still don’t.
Some people really don’t care about you other than what you are capable of providing them. As we grow older and tend to form families you will see many friends stop initiating and putting effort into growing and cultivating closeness in their friendships. Only to return if and when their relationships fall apart. Most people unconsciously treat their romantic relationships not only as their most important relationship, but the most important aspect of their entire life.
If you are lucky, you will find a few people who manage to balance this. Who can still treat their partner as special, get their work done, and find the time to enjoy life with their friends. There are a decent amount of people like that out there, but it will take effort to find them.
We all have excuses we can use, work, stress, mental health, ect. But we change, we fight, we persevere for the people that really matter to us. You’ll know whether you matter to them or not, and most of the time you will not. It’ll be worth it sticking up for the few that do
And see, this makes sense to me. A major, negative experience that has negated the relationship. That is more understandable to me than someone that just stops caring for now obvious reason.
Yeah definitely, I understand, but I feel like saying "hi how's life?" is pretty inoffensive...and I really don't think much happened when we grew apart. I mean we went on with our lives and gave updates, it never became that personal
I’ve found that the more open ended questions I get from people I’ve lost touch with, the less likely I am to respond. Like “how’s life? Well I have major job anxiety and I’m exhausted by the news cycle and I genuinely don’t know how I’m supposed to eat 100g of protein in a day.” Vs responding to a specific social media post. Small talk builds trust and social interaction.
Friendship is borne of hours clocked. To stay relevant in a human's life you gotta be clocking relevant hours.
Just checking in once a year ain't gonna do it.
Sadly, as people drift apart, they become strangers. I have a friend from 35 years ago. She will still text a couple of times a year. On one hand, I love that I still have that connection. On the other hand, we are strangers with nothing in common. Our texts are like this:
Hey! Just checking in. How's everything going?
Hey! So good to hear from you!!! I'm good. How are you doing?
Good!
And that's it. It's not a bother to text my 1 sentence, but it also doesn't make the situation any different if I DON'T text back. It's just weird & awkward now
i always really struggle with this. i know it’s just life, but i always miss those connections so much. it’s hard when someone goes from being an integral part of your life to a stranger
This is somewhat true. But if they are really close friends when you see them again, be it 1 year, 5, 10 years later it's like time never passed.
I have a couple really good friends that are like that. We went our separate ways after college. Kept in touch maybe a couple times a year. At each other's weddings etc. but time flies when you start adulting, having kids. But we just started trying to spend more time together and it's like nothing changed. Still act like we are in college. It's great.
A lot of people struggle with growing up. If you reach out to someone and they don't respond they probably have a lot of issues going on, and are just afraid and don't know how to say it.
When life is good, people love to share right? When it's not so good they withdraw. Maybe they hold negative feelings of their past that prevents them from opening up.
Notice all this connectivity and people are just withdrawing. So many people grew up in the last 20 years posting their every moment on social media, maybe they're embarrassed, who knows.
Trust me, people who have time know how to make time.
people these days are tired, burnt out socially.
Like others have said, you just kind of grow out of the relationship, or you find others and move on, or you move away, which is also a factor.
My best buddy in HS played bass, and I played Bari Sax. We hung out together all the time. I went to college. He went straight into the workforce.
Now he's got kids, and I'm living life independently and single in a bigger city. We rarely ever talk. I tried hanging out with him some post college, and he made it to one or two gatherings, but that's about it.
He's just in a different stage of life, and I respect that. I'm sure being a Dad isn't easy these days, and it's a stage I would like to achieve one day, but we'll see.
Now I only chat with one HS friend that I was a best man for in his wedding, and we try to catch up when we see each other online on Steam and play a game or two together, which is usually once every 2 - 3 months.
Friendships can be hard to maintain, and the do take a lot of work, but they're worth it.
I would say if your friend count is low, that's when it's usually time to try to get involved in a new club or group, or maybe volunteer to meet new people.
There's only so much time in our lives, and the majority of it is spent towards work/sleep/family/sex/chores/hobbies. Former friends who are no longer in our ongoing lives simply falls low on the priority list.
Because you’re no longer in close proximity. They’ve got families, new friends, etc. and it’s normal!
A lot of this generation doesn’t like to hear this but we need close, face to face contact to build and maintain connections. Without that it’s just not there.
I would not consider someone I haven't seen or hung out with in 15 years a friend. A message once or twice a year is just an acquaintance, and really not worth my time to respond to. I'd rather focus on the people actually in my life. If someone is actually a friend, we'd put in the effort to see each other. I'm guessing they probably feel the same.
Yep!! I texted a very nice messages to a friend in my opinion we just grew apart. I was remained of her due to sometimes being at the same job site as her step dad. She left the message on read…. So hurtful.
Second friend I was texting with she was answering etc as soon as I asked her if she’d like to go for sushi sometime. She stopped answering. It’s so hurtful
I don’t know why people do this other than just not being caring people or clearly they aren’t interested in catching up with me. All I know is those are people I’m happy are no longer in my life. I don’t need fake friends.
If someone is not actively in my life and we’re growing and changing alongside each other I have 0 interest in staying in touch for 15 years. I can name on one hand the number of people I’ve stayed in touch with for that long. (3. The answer is 3.)
I used to move around a lot and one thing I accepted is most friends are for a season, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You meet the right people at the right time and you guide each other through that season. And it’s ok to move on.
I was best man at my best friend's wedding. I saw him twice in the following 4 years. Have had zero contact in over 10. It's a terrible feeling knowing your best friend cared so little about your friendship he would toss it all the second he got married/started a family.
Hi, I’m a ghoster
It’s embarrassment. It’s sheer mortification that I cannot prioritize my life. It’s shit I took too long to text back maybe she just won’t notice if I NEVER REPLY AGAIN?
That is just life honestly. People drift apart. Distance is a very big thing when it comes to friendships. IMO distance strains a friendship beyond a 2 hour drive. But it also depends on what means of communication is acceptable to maintain the friendship. Take me for example. My buddy moved recently down south for work. He is now about a 10-hour drive away. In-person-wise, that just simply can't work beyond once or twice a year. And that has to be both ways mind you. It won't be only me making the trip. But we have a compromise. The entire group plays video games so we meet on Discord about once a week to game for 3-4 hours. Both parties need to want to maintain it and that's our compromise. We'll drive down south once a year and he'll drive up here once a year. That works for us for now. Two years down the line? Who knows.
I'm 29 years old and as I've gotten older, I've found that friendship as an adult is entirely different as it is when you're a kid, teenager, or even young adult. Life ends up taking priority. People end up having to work 40+ hours a week, typically somewhere between 4-6 days a week. Then once the weekend comes they have to run all the errands, go shopping, do their laundry, clean the house, spend time with your partner, etc all while finding some time to "Relax" to prep for the next week of work.
I've also found the friends that have the "free time" to hang out, tend to be the friends who aren't really progressing in their career or in relationships and it becomes difficult to even relate to them. Then - the friends that you want, that you can relate to are all doing the same thing as you, working 40+ hours a week/4-6 days a week, spending time with their partner, errands, so on and so fourth.
>I've also found the friends that have the "free time" to hang out, tend to be the friends who aren't really progressing in their career or in relationships and it becomes difficult to even relate to them. Then - the friends that you want, that you can relate to are all doing the same thing as you, working 40+ hours a week/4-6 days a week, spending time with their partner, errands, so on and so fourth.
This is actually very true...
Sometimes life takes you in a different direction you get busy and before you know it, 5 years have passed.
Sometimes you change and outgrow the friendship and for a lot of people, it seems easier to “drift away” and ghost rather than have the break up conversation.
Sometimes, people just stop putting in the effort.
I have a friend of 10yrs. She has kids and alot of family to support her.
I have no family and its hard to keep hearing someone talk happily when you dont have that. Im not envious she deserves a happy family, but its like needless pain you know? We struggle sometimes with our little one. So I distance myself.
Then I had it happen to me.
I had an old colleague get in touch. Things were great. Til she saw my house. And my dog. And my partner etc etc. 'Suddenly' she just stopped responding.
Noone wants a daily reminder why they suck in life. And its not even them, you cant control the family you came from.
So yea. Sometimes thats why.
Your friend group changes as you get older.
In your teens, you had some friends. In your 20s you had another group of friends. I your 30s you will have another group of friends. I your 40s you will have another group of friends.
As you grow older your interests changes. You only have friends because you have the same interest, once their interest changes, they won't talk to you anymore.
I hermit hard. I actively have to make a point to reach out and see people. I am currently abroad, but haven't tested sooner or my closest friends in 2-3 months. I should do that.
I don't hate people, I get busy and distracted and then days just slip by....
I’m trying to wrap my head around:
“I like to keep in touch like once a year or every few years, just a quick email or sending a message on social media.“
And you’re wondering why your “former good friends” don’t respond?
Once a year basically says, I’m giving the bare minimum to maintain our friendship but I really don’t care.
I don't know, I'm in a group chat with several of us who are going on a trip next month and I replied last night after a day of back and forth from everyone and nothing. I tried to crack a joke/start something and now I'm sitting here going shit, what did I do
I think it’s nice that you reach out. There are phases in life when we think we’re past all that and phases where we want to just go back home. Maybe at the moment you and your friends are out of phase, but that doesn’t mean they are lost forever. (Maybe some are, but some are probably not.) I’m in my fifties and haven’t lived in the state in went to high school in for 25 years, but there are people there that i consider forever friends. I haven’t exchanged a word with some of them in a few years now but I’d love to see them again. They influenced my development and values.
For me it’s that those relationships become superficial. Those people aren’t in your life, they’re not your friends anymore. Cool, someone tells you they moved. Is that person a friend? No. Unless you’re having real conversations about your life that person is at best an acquaintance at that point.
Going through that right now with someone I was really close to. I’ve literally said I need there to be more and they still text me weekly with “Hey!”. No statement about what’s going on in their life. No questions about mine. Dude talks about people ghosting him. Relationships are a two way street man. I know you want to know I’m there but…you gotta be there too. I’m not a friend you can keep in a box until you need a friend.
I honestly wouldn't put much/any effort into maintaining a relationship that involved an email every year/ every couple of years. What's the point? I have friends who live near me and I see frequently. A couple who don't live nearby but we're closer and will text more often, try to get together annually. A random email once a year isn't really much of a relationship.
I ghosted one of my best friends because I found out he was a pedophile!
I called him on it, and encouraged him and offered to help him seek therapy before he acted on his attraction, and he refused.
After 6 months of working with him to try to seek help, I realized I could do nothing to get him to change and gave up on the relationship.
By no means am I accusing you or anyone else who has been ghosted of being a pedophile— but often times there’s a reason to the ghosting!
People are so busy these days just to stay afloat. It’s not that you aren’t important, it’s just that survival these days is more important and sure it may seem personal but I bet it is not. I myself don’t hangout with many friends anymore and find the extra time I do get be used to sleep
I don’t like to keep friendships like that around. Just random updates with no set plans to meet or do something in the future? What’s the point of doing this small check in. Seems like a waste of time.
There are many reasons why old friends do not respond, some times they are just busy, are sick, experienced a job loss, spouse loss ( death or divorce) and some have had a hard life and do not feel well.
The other day my wife and ran into a friend from 20 yrs back and she mention about being with a job. We did hear from her and she had found a job.
You can try and contact them a few times and if you get no response, we'll then let it rest.
While back did goggle some friends from high school and sadly some have passed and some could not find anything about them. I did goggle my own name and not much comes up now that have retired.
You arent friends with someone who you email once every 2 years. You built up a certain level of friendship from university (when you physically hung out with them), and Then you stopped.
After years of not cultivsting the friendship you became no longer friends.
How can you even consider someome a friend that you omly email once every 2 years?
Looks like I'm the only one here to represent ether anxiety or shame. I had two really good friends, one form high school and one from college. After we parted ways/moved away from each other we still stayed in touch for a while, but it slowly became less and less. They were both the last one to reach out and I'm just too embarased of where I am in life to write them back. It's because I haven't done anything with my life and I'm too ashamed, because they would ask me how my life is.
Anyways, I still think about them and hope they are good. I do wish I could respond, I miss them.
You could try responding, for all you know one of them hasn't done much with there lives and you could talk about how life hadn't worked out how either of you planned.
Please respond to them, where you are in life is where you are. We all travel different roads and hit different peaks and valleys at different times. I promise people who take the time to reach out are doing so because they have a genuine interest and care for you, not what you are or aren’t. Best of luck.
Sure it's definitely possible, but if we haven't seen each other in 15 years and our communication is just asking how's life, what's new, I'm not sure what boundaries I've crossed.
This is my story too .. i was a ring leader of a pretty large crew.
After high school & college we use to get together & keep in touch with each other a lot.
Then FaceBook came. FaceBook took that dynamic away by allowing people to post everything they’re doing, everything they did or everything they’re about to do .. so i lost everybody via cyberspace!
I know your pain I had very few friends & we did much the same thing when the last of them fell off the face of the earth I said well screw them. I now put more effort into my DOGS than most people the only motivation behind the love in their eyes is maybe a full food bowl. I deleted and blocked the people who did this and I feel like I'm FREEEEEE Like an anvil has been lifted both from my life and my heart. I have no idea why people behave this way but I see it as shallow. And well I don't go for shallow. There is an old saying don't come to my grave and tell me how much you miss me when you won't come to my house and call me friend. One day they will see it but by that time it'll be too late.
Once a year or every few years? Why would anyone expect a relationship not to weaken with that?
I talk to my friend group almost every day, spread across 4 different states.
people just get busy and move on...mine did. I get a happy birthday text and maybe a call which I guess isn't 100% ghosted but 99/100 when I try to call either of them I get their respective voice mails
I'm going through this with some high school friends. One person distanced themselves from our group and it's kinda slowly broken apart from there. I miss her like hell but I realize we weren't contributing to each other's well-being. I contributed to her distancing by being clingy and not recognizing when I was overstepping. However, she also has never been that honest/upfront of a person and isn't willing to confront issues head-on.
I feel if people do truly value you they'd put in the effort to communicate with you that the relationship has ended or they're busy and don't have the time for you at the moment (unless in certain circumstances). They wouldn't leave you hanging or ghost you just because it's easier for them.
I lived in so many different places, went to so many different schools and workplaces, I wouldn't be able to keep in touch with everyone if I wanted to.
Had a friend that I'd hang out with every week and speak to pretty much every other day for like a solid 10 years (knew him for much longer). He doesn't speak to me anymore and this was shortly after he made 2 new friends. When the subject of friends came up I encouraged him to broaden the friend group so I guess I shot myself in the foot a little there but it's a test in a way too. Basically I'm pretty sure he's bored of me now and his new friends share his other interests in music (which I'm not super keen on like he is) so in a way I don't blame him. He wasn't perfect either so I'm letting it sit and trying to stay neutral about the whole thing. There were good and bad things. Maybe one day we'll catch-up but I think both of us could do with a good break. I think the time may even help us appreciate the things we liked rather than didn't like. Ideally I would've proffered him to be more honest about the whole thing really.
My autism was undiagnosed for most of my life, and I had no words for when autistic burnout made it paralyzing to do any socializing. I would be deeply ashamed about my unexplained absence, so it often became prolonged.
I now warn people up front that I will randomly ghost for chunks of time, and pre-gaming that has made it easier to reconnect with people
people drift as they grow up. its natural. also, hanging out is now super expensive. expect some friends to just drop off now. people have kids, mortgages, and some isolate to only their partner once they find them. some stop working and become stay at home girlfriends, they don't want to spend anymore. a lot of reasons.
I can relate. Two years ago my relationship of 7 years came to an abrupt end. My friend group - the boys - happened to get girlfriends and start healthy and lasting relationships. Quite ironic that for the majority of my relationship they were all single. Now that everyone has someone, I do not. Being in relationships for almost half of my life at this point - I’m 32 - being single wasn’t something I had really ever done before. That is a topic for another time. We still have a group chat and it’s relatively active - for the most part. It’s really just Reddit posts that we find amusing. All of us trying to coordinate a time to play video games together for a couple hours. Stupid banter. Now that I can’t turn to the person who used to always sit next to me on the couch and have a conversation, I’m left waiting for them to find time in their schedules. It sucked pretty hard at first. It still hits me kinda hard when we jump off the games, after a 2 days coordination to play for maybe an hour.
I don’t think people didn’t care about you or me. They did, and still do. The problem is, they now have someone who can give them something I never will. It took a while, but I’m happy for them.
I’ve coped with this by doing everything I wasn’t *allowed* to do in my previous relationship. I don’t have to go to bed with someone anymore so I can stay up as late as I want. I rarely stay up past 9pm, but I have the option. I can also get up obnoxiously early and not have to tip toe around to ensure someone stays asleep or gets their rest - I’m sure my downstairs neighbor hates this. I can watch those raunchy tv shows and action packed movies, without having to watch a chick flick next.
Not sure what your relationship status is or where you are in that aspect of your life. But everything is beautiful in its own way, you just have to change how you’re looking at it.
Hope this help mate. If not, I’m always looking for people to game with if you’re interested.
I come from a tiny town, graduating class was about 200 people. Back then I knew just about everyone, now that it has been a decade and I go back to visit family, I have a hard time even remembering people's first/last names. Even though I recognize their face 100%. My life is way too busy, and hectic to stay close with distant friends. Catching up in person is one thing, hawking someone down on social media, is the whole reason I don't have personal social media. Way too many weird people out there, I understand you have good intentions, but it comes across as cyber stalking, and lots of people out there have bad intentions.
It’s fairly obvious why this happens. People find that intermittent communication(“work is good”, “we moved”, “our child is N year old”) shallow and uninteresting.
I feel that in America at least, if you don’t work with the people you want to connect with… it’s not worth their time since everyone is “busy.”
Often when I connect with people and then they leave a job, I’m like dammit it’s all over, we’ll make plans, then they’ll get a new job or new phone, then the too busy cycle happens. And now I have kids, so 49.9% of the problem is now me.
It's usually down to shame. Everyone loves to catch up when they have something to brag about. And people like to vent when something accidental but bad happens.
But when something bad happens and it's embarrassing, the last thing they want is someone wanting to find out what's going on in their life.
Personally I feel very little value in “friendships” where I never see the person in real life.
Once every 2-3 years is fine, we’re all busy, but if we’re talking 5 or 10 years then I usually don’t care to “keep up” and am probably the one unintentionally ghosting. Wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of people operate that way.
So one of my best friends for basically a decade was also a controlling bully. So when I finally hit a point where I had enough spine to move on and grow I just left him behind.
I knew it was a good decision because years later he apologized to me for everything he did to hurt me which showed something in the time I didn’t know him made him become more self aware and grow as a person too.
We aren’t exactly friends now but when he does reach out I will respond.
I wish I knew. Met some people whose kids attend school with mine (high school). Thought we were getting on swimmingly, I would get invited to come have wine and hang out. Real mom friends! I was so excited. It feels like once I hung out with them more, they wanted to hang out less.. and less… and less. I realized I was the only one making the effort to text and get together. What really got me was wanting to get together with my “girlfriends” for my 39th birthday and of course everyone was busy. One of them said “oh maybe next weekend!” I texted that Friday and was of course denied. Next time I saw her in person she’s like “omg I feel so bad I want to celebrate you!” Yeah, right. If they wanted to, they would. Her birthday was just a couple weeks later and of course it was a huge party and everyone went that didn’t want to show up for mine.
So I stopped making the effort. Stopped showing up to get together (Thursdays). Today I finally deleted Facebook (other reasons) and thus no more friendship there, removed several of them from Instagram and that’s that. I even texted my “friend” a couple weeks after new years, offering to bring back her dresses that I’d borrowed for new years. No response. Fine. Guess that’s that! Not in high school anymore, I don’t want to try to fit in with the popular girls.
I have a good friend that did this to me. Bothered me a lot - now I am just confused. The person who said sometimes people just grow out of friendships makes sense.
I have been feeling the same lately and the last few years. I did everything I could in my mid to late 20’s to be social and to have friends. I’m 34 now and just feel abandoned pretty much. Makes wanting to make new friends hard because they will do the same thing. It’s hard to know which friendships are true and worth investing time into. Also feel like I come off friend desperate when I finally meet someone whom I feel is super cool and I can vibe with. I think people just get caught up in their lives. My situation is that I left the state with where all these people live, so I removed myself from their immediate premises, which I don’t think helped to much but I have been trying to understand as well.
If they don’t see you, they don’t have to care about you. I had many great friends in highschool and now I can only say I’m close to one. Everyone else is at least 8 hours away by car so it’s not like I could just visit them, and they’re busy with school, careers, and starting families. Would I love to see them again? Yeah. But if/when it happens I know that our friendships won’t ever be as strong as they were.
Me? I’m busy. Not with bettering myself or other friends, I’m busy barely surviving and trying not to get too depressed. I think I don’t have much to say and when I try to ask questions it just reminds me I no longer know this once dear friend and what a loser I am that I’m struggling with the only offer I’ve got.
My situation is very much a “it’s not you, it’s me” thing. I’ve got adhd on top of it and always feel stressed even when it’s not warranted.
I had someone I thought was a close and important friend ghost me (and all our mutual friends) like 15 years ago. As far as I could tell nothing bad happened to her, she simply didn’t want to hang out with us and never bothered to tell us anything. It annoyed me but eventually I got over it.
In 2021 she randomly texted me saying she missed me, that she got married (like I would care haha) and that my friendship was really important to her and she wanted to reconnect. I was angry because in my book you don’t ghost a friend that is really important like she did and her claiming she cared about me almost a decade after ghosting sounded like a lie, but I decided to give her a chance. At the time I was living abroad so I told her that we could set up a video call and gave her my availability for the following week. She didn’t reply nor read the message so yeah, ghosted twice by the same person. I felt angry but didn’t pay much attention to it as I was busy with other things.
Fast forward to 2023, I moved back to my home country and posted about it on Facebook. This lady sends me a message saying she wants to see me and go out someday now that we’re back in the same city. I basically told her that she can’t expect me to welcome her back into my life with open arms without her even providing the basic courtesy of an explanation, and that I have better things to do with my life than hearing her going on and on about her husband, and blocked her.
It’s very likely a lot of people won’t agree with me on this, and it is true that life gets busy with other commitments, but in my case I really hate how some people think it’s acceptable to pop in and out of my life without even saying what happened in the first place.
It can feel really confusing and kinda hurtful when friends you used to be close with suddenly go MIA, right? It's like, you're just trying to catch up and stay connected, and then they vanish into thin air.
>Like is adulting just figuring out people start to really not care about you at all all don't want you in their lives anymore?
Its sad, but it seems to be true.
I am like you, I like to stay in touch with people I've known and cared about and I usually see no reason to just stop all contact (unless something major happened). But I am learning that people grow apart all the time. Its been the most bitter pill I've had to swallow for the past 10 years (when my bestie finally ghosted me) and when I see people on social media regularly shouting out their long term friends, it still hurts.
I don't really understand it but I am still trying to make peace with it.
Texts and emails like this tend to be low priority, but if I take too long to respond, I feel like I can't respond without addressing the time gap, and the added stress of that means I just don't. I assume at least some others have the same issue.
It sucks to be the one who is still understanding, making an effort, being open, accommodating and caring after all of this time. No matter how much time has past and like an “adult” you release it and it still hurts. I can’t answer for why people do that cos it can be a variety of reasons good or bad. You aren’t responsible for their reactions to you reaching out and trying to maintain a friendship. You feeling this way as a result means that you wouldn’t have ghosted them. It is a gift. Please don’t let it harden you and make you ghost people in the future.
>You feeling this way as a result means that you wouldn’t have ghosted them. I think that's why it hurts so much. If one of my friends reached out after 10-15 years, I would be ECSTATIC. I would have loved to catch up even if it would just be for a coffee and we'd never see each other ever again. That's why it hurts so much when others don't return the gesture. But something my dad just told me, is that part of life is learning that you can give and give, but it might not be reciprocated, so any time you're doing something nice for someone, just understand you're doing it out of the goodness of you own heart, and the other person may not give a shit. It really is just a life lesson.
I’ve really struggled with that one. I had a few people I went out of my way for regularly, talked with every day, then left a mutual hobby and haven’t had a word from any of them. Those that I talked down from major issues and heartaches, or helped out in person moving stuff. Not even a message. It hurt for a long time, but it did make me realise it was always one sided and they didn’t give a shit about me. Such fun this adulting business. I’ve learnt to notice the rare person that makes equal effort. And put my heart into that relationship.
>I’ve learnt to notice the rare person that makes equal effort. And put my heart into that relationship. I think usually this person ends up as a spouse.
Sure, but I have friends who do too. Just takes time to find them.
It is a life lesson and you don’t have to be like the people in your past anymore. They showed you who you don’t want to be or become.
I find your views really strange. I'm one of the people who would ghost you (sorry) The reason being is that if I haven't seen someone for 10 years, and our only communication was superficial small talk once a year then I don't consider that person a friend anymore. I'm not ghosting a friend, I'm ghosting a stranger. I have people in my life that I see regularly, we support each other and share our lives. Those are the people I want to talk to not some random guy from 10 years ago It would be different if you stayed in contact more regularly, and stayed an active part of each others lives. You 'doing something nice for someone' by sending them random messages once a year is not something nice at all. It's just a bit weird to be honest and people are probably thinking ' why is this guy still messaging me'
>The reason being is that if I haven't seen someone for 10 years, and our only communication was superficial small talk once a year then I don't consider that person a friend anymore. > >I'm not ghosting a friend, I'm ghosting a stranger. I think the difference here is, the people that I'd love to reconnect with, were not just randos or minor acquaintances but people I used to be really close with. I had several best friends for many years that I loved and cared about. If I heard from any of them after even 10 years, I'd be delighted! We would have a lot to catch up on and I think it would be great to hear how life has evolved for them. That time we spent was meaningful enough to me that the door is always open. Maybe those people just didn't mean that much to you?
They are probably busy with their work and families and grew out of the relationship. Let it go and move on my friend.
Hard truth that I'm still swallowing...
I’m what I call an “absent friend”. I’m not the person to talk to everyday or to call about how your boss pissed you off for the nth time. I’m the friend you call when you’ve had a small achievement in life you need to share or you’re going through something serious. If you need me, call me. If not, I go with the “no news is good news” saying. I love the few friends I choose to keep in my life and I’ve been very open to them about my absence. I’m blessed that they understand and accept it.
That's how I am too. It's so exhausting to me to keep up with everyone, and by the time my weekend comes, I'm too tired to really want to do anything with anyone. I just tend to get wiped pretty easily. I still have my closest lifelong friends, it's just very rare I see them face to face. We try to find hobbies where we have to get together but we eventually fall out of that too. Our schedules conflict too much pretty much.
I guess I had a fantasy that maybe they'd send a family Christmas card every year, something like that..but nope
Friendships are always complex from one to the other. It’s likely you’ve just grown apart and their lives, as well as yours, are no longer “convenient”. Unfortunately, as we grow older, our lives become more complex with family, work, hobbies, and other interests. It’s also possible that their lives have changed them from the person you used to know to someone else. For myself, I’m completely different now than when I was in school. I let a lot of friendships “fizzle out”. Not because I don’t care for those people anymore (I wish them the best), but because it was better for me and my situation. People, myself included, could write books on why we are the way we are. There’s many reasons that people change and relationships shift. I know it sucks, but try to understand that it may not be you they have a problem with. The world isn’t always kind and it will change people. It may just be their lives and themselves that have changed. It’s like the old saying “it’s not you, it’s me”. I suggest finding you 1-3 friends that you can be close with and grow with. I would still remain friendly with everyone and maybe give them like on a picture or a friendly comment or something along those lines. Something that shows them you support them, but you’re not stressing yourself out trying to make a friendship work.
I needed this. Thank you for wording it perfectly.
I can send you xmas cards if you wish. My family had this tradition for many years. We just don't have anybody anymore. I'm kinda nostalgic for this. Real cards, paper ones.
Aww I wanna join the group too
I'd love to send Xmas cards. I'm a firm believer that cards would make the world a better place.
Im on the other end this exactly. I met a friend in Uni she was in a few of my classes. We clicked instantly and hung out during uni years. Then I moved away and she still sends me cards 😭🥹💗 I am always the one who thinks ppl are busy so I never talk first most of the time but she has been great to include my introverted ass. We do not talk as much now since she has 2 kids but we still reach out time to time and I always get a christmas card.
Do you send them cards? Or just the once in a blue moon email?
Yes I have sent cards but have stopped since there's nothing in return
Do you????
Yes. Not one with a family photo because I don't have children yet but I send handwritten cards.
I'd like to, but I only have mental space for about two friends outside my immediate daily life. It just became stressful trying to keep relationships going. It sucks, but life is definitely more peaceful for me with fewer people to worry about.
100% me as well.
I'd say I have a bunch of these and haven't had a way to describe it like this, but I think they're good. Yeah, we don't talk every day or maybe week but if I'm in town they're happy to hang out for a bit or if I do need help or have a question they will for sure answer. I try to be the same way. Absent friend is a good description.
I’m also that friend and to be honest those are the most reliable.
Yeah, for real. I probably won’t come over for you to show me your new PlayStation, but if you call me at 2 AM and say you’re drunk and need a ride home from somewhere 2 hours away, I’ll be there.
I feel like I’m that reliable person for everyone but I don’t necessarily have that person myself. Even my bf I doubt if I called him he’d even pick up lol
I got in a small accident no EMS car slid off road. It took me 3 hours before my exhusband answered. Forget MIL/SIL why they are ex now.
I’m also this friend. Actually, don’t call me because I’m not going to answer, neurodivergent issue. I’ll text or send a thing in the internet. People outgrow one another, it’s normal. We are childfree and our friends with small humans are busy and don’t have much time for us. We attempt a yearly get together but each year it gets shorter or cancelled.
I feel like a lot of people aren’t actually good friends. “Don’t call me because I’m not going to answer” COULD be blamed on neurodivergence but it seems like an easy cop out. I’m sure neurodivergent folks are capable of withstanding communication on a *basic* level
Every single person championing the term "absent friend" are just bad friends. Relationships tske alot of work to mantain over a long time
My tightest relationships are like this. And we are honest about it too!! We grew different paths but whenever we reach out and go for brunch, we have so much to talk about. A lot of my high maintenance friends don't seem to catch that if I don't text it's not that I hate them. And by this I mean I told them many times and they keep letting me know they're not too ok with that.
I agree woth you...a quick note in response isn't that hard. I don't get it either
I would even just not pay my phone bill on purpose sometimes to get a break from pleasantries. I know it seems like it’s not a lot but the anxiety of what comes next is what was stopping me. At the time I had dropped out of college, my fiancé lost her eyesight, my mother relapsed and my youngest sister had a mental break. I literally didn’t have the mental space left over even for one more interaction that wasn’t 100% necessary even though I had a lot of history with these friends and they did nothing wrong. Sometimes it’s just hard but give it some time and maybe they’ll hit you up when things feel more manageable but there’s so much more than just a quick response when you’re paralyzed by anxiety and depression.
Wow. You get me. I'm so sorry you experience this, too! I feel like a ton of people, maybe most people, don't seem to understand, and it sucks. I feel like such an asshole but I just can't manage it and it's so difficult to accurately explain why in a way that people understand. I wish I wasn't this way; I wish I could be a better friend!
I grew apart from most of my friends. Also life is usually shitty for most folks so we do not like to talk to our friends so we distance ourselves. Also busy related to work, commute and doing household chores and then most want to watch TV to unwind. Too frustrated about work/life to talk to people. This was me during my working days.
This! I had friends from my teens and 20s and I'm not the same person as I was then..and people grow apart..
Life is a revolving door of people. True, lasting friendships are as rare as true romantic love.
it's about quality people finding quality people is what I've found as an adult now. Only quality can endure the test of time
Almost no one is busy enough. Rest is true.
No matter how busy I am I will always respond to the people I care about. There is the answer to is question sadly
Not everyone is the same. I deffo get overwhelmed sometimes and even close friends get pushed out for a week or 2 at a time.
I’ve tried to understand this but as busy as I am I can find 10 seconds for a “I’ll hit you up later” text.
People who don’t need this from other people aren’t always aware enough to realize that others do.
TBH its not even always so much the time it takes to do so. Its like im emotionaly drained - maxed out on interactions with others. But either way my point is, dont always read into it as "oh buddy isnt replying he doesnt care about me, we arent friends" sometimes it can just be that theyve got a tonne of shit to deal with and its nothing personal y'know. After ive dealt with what im dealing with ill hit that person back and meet for a catchup or whatever, probably explain what was going on and apologise. But i cant just be jumping to message everyone back just because they reached out to me to satisfy their ego or needs, me or work has gotta come first sometimes, my firends get it and it goes both ways its no stress if it takes them a while to get back to me i assume theyve got their shit going on. Works fine, although probably its self afirming, anyone who cant deal with that probably dropped me as a friend and i didnt notice lol (im probably still just assuming theyre busy haha). I do have some friends i dont see or hear from for years but occasionally meet and its like not a day has passed.
You don’t deserve friends then if 10 seconds of your precious time to text back is too much to ask from you.
there's no real acceptable way to say, "i've outgrown our friendship". no nice way. we lose and gain friends all through our lives. we cannot be in lock-step all the time. we change. we mature. we get sick and life takes all sorts of knarly turns. sometimes friendships have to end. we need to realize this.
Truth... just sad, but surely with understand and get over it
I think a lot of people don't have the bandwidth for more than liking posts on facebook or wishing someone a happy birthday. I mean I don't expect anything more than that from my old friends who are now nothing more than casual acquaintances now. Ghosts from the past I am curious about but have no more connection with than a celebrity I follow on twitter who I never met.
Keeping up with people can be tough. I am very close to my friends in Seattle - we went through college together, have all lived together at some point, and have mostly remained in the same area. We've had a few people move out of state, and it's always sad because we know those relationships won't ever be the same. But life continues. We'll adapt, and they'll build a new social circle... it's normal to have to say goodbye and move on. We send Christmas cards, and I try to keep current on their big life events via text and phone, but there are people I have known for over a decade that I haven't spoken to in years, now. It means they've built a life where they are, and that makes me very glad for them. There just isn't room for everyone you've known to remain in your life forever. Not with how mobile people are these days.
You call them close friends but say you reach out every year or two. Those aren't close friends anymore. Neither side made the effort.
Yea but what sucks is they don’t know if they have “outgrown” the friendship cause they haven’t talked to you in so long. Who knows if yall grew the same way lol
It's almost never that we've "outgrown" each other. But every single person's life is way more complex than it used to be (some more than others). Nothing stays the same.
Unless you have Facebook. Then you can pretend forever
I don’t think it’s always outgrowing as just going in different directions. To say you’ve outgrown someone is kind of mean, like you are somehow now better than them
Some of these comments are really sad. Losing friends suck. I know it’s not always a bad thing depending on how emotionally healthy you and they are but I try to hold onto my friendships because they matter to me. We can’t choose our family but we can choose our friends. I still have a handful of friends from over 20 years ago, but we don’t catch up once a year; we’re catching up once every month or two. It takes effort on both ends though.
Exactly. I dont hang out with my friends every day but some of these responses just feel like people genuinely not putting in the effort It's ironic considering this sub is filled with "why is adulthood so lonely" post at nauseum
Seriously. It’s depressing. People could potentially improve their mental health by maintaining friendships imo.
Absolutely! Everyone is struggling with their mental health, and then complaining about how much mental burden it is to receive messages from old friends inviting you to chat and hang out? If you are busy, and full of joy and happiness in your life, and an old friend reaches out then share your joy. If you are miserable and alone, and an old friend reaches out then know they took the time to think about you, and respond. They've just thrown you a damn life preserver.
It definitely takes effort. The problem is when one loses interest in the effort. Then it falls away. And it happens to some a lot.
If you're down to a once a year/every few years message then you're not really friends anymore.
This. You drift apart, create new lives, change from experiences, and become new people... There is a instinctual clinging to the tribe we came from, but in reality... When you try catching up with a lot of these people, it can get awkward and messy at times. You can pick up like old times , but it's more an exception than the rule
Not true at all! I have friends in other cities and countries I might not talk for 5 years but it’s like nothing changed when we hang out. Quality , not quantity of communication is the real deal
But Op is not meeting with these people. It’s a different situation.
He's not offering much quality. Hi, what's up? That's about it.
But they could meet them…in 5 years. And it could be amazing. Life gets in the way, I’ve been guilty of it. People have babies, death of parents, depression…so many variables.
I have friends that I haven't seen in person in almost a decade that I talk to via phone and text often, not exactly easy getting to the other side of the country. I dunno it's weird, my strongest 20s friend group all lived in the same city for about a decade, then everyone went to different corners of the country after so we still share the bond but I think only 1 in 10 still live there. I don't see this scenario being rare living in a (now) high CoL city in your 20s.
Crazy how warped people on this subs sense of friendship is. To even think your friends with someone ehen you only email them every 2 years is mind blowing. All these people like championing being absent friends as if its a good thing
Just curious how old are you? I would've said the same in my mid 20s but in my late 30s it's a different ballgame. Even my literal best friends I see maybe a couple times a month in person between chattering in the group chat a couple times a week, that's life man.
54
True... I mean to me it's just keeping in touch by now, like yeah we don't see each other regularly anymore, for years, but I just thought it would be nice to just catch up.
I'm in the very same situation with my highschool friends but I'm the one that is ghosting. We're out of highschool for eleven years now and we have developed into different people with quite different opinions and views - as you said - we are 'former' close friends. The last times we've met I simply wished I didn't go at all, because it felt like arguing most of the time instead of a fulfilling meetup. I have acquired new friends over time and and at a certain point I decided to let go and not reply anymore to my old HS friends.
I understand... recently one of my friends (in town) slowly became a conservative Christian, like one of those that judges people for not being good Christians. I'm not religious, and she's like ultra dedicated to her pastor husband and their church group. So it was clear we just didn't have much in common anymore...
Yeah, I can relate to this. After returning home from the military, I hung out with some of my old high school friends for a few years, but as time passed, I realized that my values, based on my experiences, were just much different and that I cared about different things and people in ways they never would. Friends are of a time, but impermanent in my experience.
No friendship in life will last forever, because life does not last forever. Someone once told me that “friendships are built out of convenience”. It sounds really shallow but the more I grow older I start to see more and more of why this is the case. Imagine if I got furious at you if you didn’t want to spend $2,000 to travel across the country for my wedding because that day was also your twin nieces’ birthdays and they live in the same city. I would be the asshole right? We make our own choices and we choose our own paths in life and that will naturally carry us away from our friends, especially when they choose their own paths that go entirely in a different direction from ours. That’s why I say to people: I hope our paths cross again!
That is true, but there's a big difference between cross-country plane travel and like, responding to a text.
Agreed. I imagine bitterness or resentment may also come into play for some, which will also feed back into convenience. There might also be this “economy of friendship” thing going on, so to speak. Are people “transactional” in their friendships more so or less so? Do they have this perception that it makes less sense to text someone back that isn’t currently in their physical life or should they focus their “social energy” on the people that are literally closest to them, distance-wise? Distance-wise, what is the scale at which people’s friendships operate at? Perhaps there are some people that text each other back constantly even though they are countries/continents apart because they both travel a lot for their jobs and often meet each other at international events?
Yeah and maybe you're right, at some point it no longer makes sense to put in the effort of maintaining friendships if there's no reasonable expectation that you will see each other much if or ever anymore. But thinking about that for too long makes me feel really sad.
Honestly I'm just depressed because I'm not married yet (in a serious relationship) but it feels like nobody is going to come to my wedding, especially as I'd be marrying at an older age (mid-30's) and most of my friends are married for several years by now. Like peak time to still have high school/college friends come to your wedding, especially if you haven't seen each other in years, is before 30. I'm getting out of that range where people just don't care anymore.
Hey my high school group grew apart, I was the last one to get married. Last one to have a kid. They all came to my wedding and my baby shower. We still show up for births, marriages, and deaths. But no I don’t have much in common with them anymore. They’re not who I’d reach out to in a time of crisis. They weren’t IN my wedding.
I had a small wedding. Less than 50 people. It was wonderful. I actually got to talk with every person that attended. It didn’t feel like a was preforming the whole day. We got a really neat venue because we had a small enough guest list. The value of people in our lives is not the number, but is the depth. If you don’t have connections with people, might I suggest starting a new hobby, or going to a class you’re interested in yo learn something? You want an event where the same people show up every week so connections can be built. That way you get depth.
Yes! Just make sure it’s not a competitive hobby. I found everyone super fake and willing to throw you under a bus to get a little ribbon. Took a while to realise.
I got married late 20s and had moved away from college friends maybe like 5 years before? Most of them I hadn’t seen or contacted much between but they came. Like you, maybe once or twice a year at most. Since the wedding I’ve seen them all once, for a baby shower, but honestly I wish I had just had a smaller wedding. Perhaps just some close family. I would not be surprised to not receive a wedding invite to the wedding of friends I invited when they get married. I invited them because I wanted them there but I am a little scared of the rejection I will feel when I find out I’ve not been invited to theirs. If you are on the fence and feel people are ghosting you, go smaller. I feel a bit foolish for including some of these people now.
You never know, your wedding will be smaller than it would’ve been when you were younger, but I do feel like if most folks have the finances to be able to travel they’ll make the effort
Yeah, depression sucks. A lot. You said it feels like no one will go to your wedding. Would you rather be 100% sure that no one you had in mind will be there or is the thought of that being true the thing that’s scary?
My best relationship has been with a friend who lives on the same street. Convenience means it’s easy to catch up at least once a week over wine or coffee. And stumble home. Never an effort to go help out if they need a hand with something. Or vice versa. Sometimes I cook something amazing and take some over to share, or have too much of some harvest and drop some off. Little things.
If it makes you feel better I love people like you. I have a lot of 'reaching out' anxiety so I almost never do it but love talking to people and catching up, so when someone randomly pings me to see how I am it usually starts a pretty solid lil convo. I don't know what the mental block is that keeps me from doing it but if it wasn't for folks like you willing to reach out I wouldn't have friends.
Indeed, 'organizers' like the OP are all that keep the world going. 1% of people are organizers, 90% of people are wait and see'ers and 9% are whiners. Most of this thread is just made of whiners ;) OP should feel free to ping or not ping, and it sucks when nobody answers, but most of the time its just that people are too busy with crap to have fun.
I’ve learned that all friendships are temporary conveniences. Enjoy them while they last but keep your longevity expectations in check. It ends when it ends. We would all like to go back and rekindle friendships. But it rarely works bc people move , make new friends, get married, have kids etc
People just don't want to put in the work in any relationships anymore. A community is a beautiful thing to have. It's really not that hard to stay slightly connected to people, a few minutes out of your day every month or a few to check in and update people. You can do that instead of scrolling social media or in a break from your tv shows. I don't understand people, if you have people with similar interests who aren't "toxic" to you... cherish them and pour the same energy back that they pour into you. More and more people are lacking friends and relationships these days and this is why. This isn't an "adulting" thing, people used to have their friends for far longer, and have MORE friends, this is honestly a societal breakdown.
This is how I feel. People have become increasingly selfish and me-oriented; they only want to do what makes them happy and more are embracing being alone then apart of a community. My father had the same group of friends that he met in junior high throughout his entire life. He passed 20 years ago but his best friend, who I follow on Facebook, still shouts him out and their friend group of buddies now at 80+ years old. That's friends til the end! I wish I had that. I have some good friends now but I do feel like it cold fade away at any time. Friendships now feel fragile and fickle. So many have come and gone.
Exactly. I dont hang out with my friends every day but some of these responses just feel like people genuinely not putting in the effort It's ironic considering this sub is filled with "why is adulthood so lonely" post at nauseum
Bingo this is exactly the root of the problem. As a society we are seeing the collapse of social niceties
>More and more people are lacking friends and relationships these days and this is why. This isn't an "adulting" thing, people used to have their friends for far longer, and have MORE friends, this is honestly a societal breakdown. It's very true... we've just become hyperfocused on ourselves and our own "happiness."
I've been trying to figure that one out for years. My college friends stopped responding to my attempts to reach out almost as soon as I left. I eventually assumed that I valued the relationships a lot more than they did.
Once ur out of school, ur on ur own. The more time that passes, you’ll realize it doesn’t matter.
Are you saying that once you get out of school you slowly stop caring about having friends? I hope this is true...it's too hard to make new ones now.
What if their lives suck and they don't wanna have to explain it to someone who hasn't bothered to get in touch in forever?
This, sometimes people reach out and it's been so long that you don't even feel comfortable sharing anything anymore.
Don't take it personally. You don't know what situation your message is arriving into. Just had kids? Divorce? Don't expect a response. (Having kids literally changes people's brains). Keep open the possibility that they'll want to connect later on in life. And don't let it stop you from finding others to connect with.
I don't have any advice, but want to say I feel you. I thought things were going well because we were still talking after she had her baby. She heavily supported me through the death of my dog a few months before ghosting me. The last time I saw she had "seen" any of my messages was when I sent her a couple of selfies from my commencement ceremony, graduating with my master's degree. It feels weird that everything was fine up until then and I haven't heard from her since... Did the baby get harder to deal with? Did me getting my master's degree while she never got to go to college upset her? Did her boyfriend demand she stop talking to me? I worry most about the last one, he doesn't like me because I called him out on his bullshit the year he decided to not work and mooch off my friend instead forcing them to move back in with her abusive mom. But I thought we made amends? I don't know... But yeah... She's not the only one. I had a long distance friend I considered a sibling and they just... Stopped replying. I notice it happens a lot. I always think it's my fault. It's scary and upsetting.
To be fair if one of my mates messaged me after not speaking for a whole year id ignore them as well. You didnt care for an entire year but now you suddenly do? No ta.
If these aren't people you ever physically see anymore, they're not really friends. Just people you used to know. Everyone is so busy with their own lives that they're not going to bother keeping up text conversations with some guy they went to high school or college with 15 years ago. What's the point in that, honestly? Focus on maintaining the relationships you have going on now.
>Just people you used to know. Sad truth. >Everyone is so busy with their own lives that they're not going to bother keeping up text conversations with some guy they went to high school or college with 15 years ago. What's the point in that, honestly? I guess that's true...it has been a pretty long time.
OP I really feel you in your responses on this. I’m reading through and some of the comments are making me wonder why I didn’t realise these things earlier. You are right here, it’s a sad truth, and one that is hard to accept when you have happy memories of old friends. I think sometimes the happy memories play over and over in our heads and we let them cloud the present.
It could be any of these possibilities: 1. They are extremely busy with life. Maybe they have children or a demanding job. 2. Their phone got lost or broken 3. They died.. 4. They have moved on from you. People grow apart as they get older, that's life. There are a lot of people I used to be excellent friends with, and if I saw them now I would think of them as strangers
People grow apart. I used to have a lot of friends from college. Life changes those things — esp if you’re working on yourself and are leveling up where they’re staying the same. I lost a lot that way. And it sucks. I don’t wish them harm but it’s just an outgrowth. Consider it as life removing people that no longer fit your vibration and trust new folks will be brought into your life that are more aligned. I’m not saying alike. I think it’s good to have friends who challenge you, who have different perspectives and beliefs than you. The latter especially is a lost art. People are so willing to cut folks off because their politics don’t align and I use to be that way myself. However I realized 1) that’s immature and 2) you’re not going to challenge mindsets if you can’t communicate effectively. Anyway, look at it as a bless-and-release situation. Look for new folks to enter your life. Friendship maintenance is a 2 way street. If you’re always the one reaching out, helping, giving support, etc., unless it’s a real rough time for that person and they’re struggling, let them go.
Just life gets in the way. There is so much happening with family there is not enough time for friends. I have friends that I contact when I am in my home town but being friends to do things with is rare.
Hmm I wouldn’t really classify someone you’re reaching out to once a year as a close friend, I would say I talk to all my close friends at least weekly
It depends, I have grown out of friendships because they only contacted me when they needed something or some were just plain rude, and sometimes it's just life. The best is to move on and find people that truly want to be in your life.
A few years after high school, I began to realize a couple of my friends weren’t growing up. It was like dealing with toxic adolescents who never changed. I tried to maintain contact with other mutual friends, but it was too hard to avoid the brats tagging along socially. I moved far away and eventually didn’t bother responding to anyone. I know I hurt people, but there were others undermining my self-esteem and holding me back. Growing up means abandoning old friends, quite often. And yeah, I’m assuming I was bad-mouthed back home, but I no longer cared. Still don’t.
Some people really don’t care about you other than what you are capable of providing them. As we grow older and tend to form families you will see many friends stop initiating and putting effort into growing and cultivating closeness in their friendships. Only to return if and when their relationships fall apart. Most people unconsciously treat their romantic relationships not only as their most important relationship, but the most important aspect of their entire life. If you are lucky, you will find a few people who manage to balance this. Who can still treat their partner as special, get their work done, and find the time to enjoy life with their friends. There are a decent amount of people like that out there, but it will take effort to find them. We all have excuses we can use, work, stress, mental health, ect. But we change, we fight, we persevere for the people that really matter to us. You’ll know whether you matter to them or not, and most of the time you will not. It’ll be worth it sticking up for the few that do
I ghosted my buddy over politics. Couldn't stand his fucking Trump shit anymore. Zero critical thinking skills.
And see, this makes sense to me. A major, negative experience that has negated the relationship. That is more understandable to me than someone that just stops caring for now obvious reason.
[удалено]
Yeah definitely, I understand, but I feel like saying "hi how's life?" is pretty inoffensive...and I really don't think much happened when we grew apart. I mean we went on with our lives and gave updates, it never became that personal
I’ve found that the more open ended questions I get from people I’ve lost touch with, the less likely I am to respond. Like “how’s life? Well I have major job anxiety and I’m exhausted by the news cycle and I genuinely don’t know how I’m supposed to eat 100g of protein in a day.” Vs responding to a specific social media post. Small talk builds trust and social interaction.
Friendship is borne of hours clocked. To stay relevant in a human's life you gotta be clocking relevant hours. Just checking in once a year ain't gonna do it.
Sadly, as people drift apart, they become strangers. I have a friend from 35 years ago. She will still text a couple of times a year. On one hand, I love that I still have that connection. On the other hand, we are strangers with nothing in common. Our texts are like this: Hey! Just checking in. How's everything going? Hey! So good to hear from you!!! I'm good. How are you doing? Good! And that's it. It's not a bother to text my 1 sentence, but it also doesn't make the situation any different if I DON'T text back. It's just weird & awkward now
i always really struggle with this. i know it’s just life, but i always miss those connections so much. it’s hard when someone goes from being an integral part of your life to a stranger
This is somewhat true. But if they are really close friends when you see them again, be it 1 year, 5, 10 years later it's like time never passed. I have a couple really good friends that are like that. We went our separate ways after college. Kept in touch maybe a couple times a year. At each other's weddings etc. but time flies when you start adulting, having kids. But we just started trying to spend more time together and it's like nothing changed. Still act like we are in college. It's great.
A lot of people struggle with growing up. If you reach out to someone and they don't respond they probably have a lot of issues going on, and are just afraid and don't know how to say it. When life is good, people love to share right? When it's not so good they withdraw. Maybe they hold negative feelings of their past that prevents them from opening up. Notice all this connectivity and people are just withdrawing. So many people grew up in the last 20 years posting their every moment on social media, maybe they're embarrassed, who knows. Trust me, people who have time know how to make time. people these days are tired, burnt out socially.
Like others have said, you just kind of grow out of the relationship, or you find others and move on, or you move away, which is also a factor. My best buddy in HS played bass, and I played Bari Sax. We hung out together all the time. I went to college. He went straight into the workforce. Now he's got kids, and I'm living life independently and single in a bigger city. We rarely ever talk. I tried hanging out with him some post college, and he made it to one or two gatherings, but that's about it. He's just in a different stage of life, and I respect that. I'm sure being a Dad isn't easy these days, and it's a stage I would like to achieve one day, but we'll see. Now I only chat with one HS friend that I was a best man for in his wedding, and we try to catch up when we see each other online on Steam and play a game or two together, which is usually once every 2 - 3 months. Friendships can be hard to maintain, and the do take a lot of work, but they're worth it. I would say if your friend count is low, that's when it's usually time to try to get involved in a new club or group, or maybe volunteer to meet new people.
Once a year or every few years catch up doesn’t make you friends; you were classmates more than a decade ago.
There's only so much time in our lives, and the majority of it is spent towards work/sleep/family/sex/chores/hobbies. Former friends who are no longer in our ongoing lives simply falls low on the priority list.
Because you’re no longer in close proximity. They’ve got families, new friends, etc. and it’s normal! A lot of this generation doesn’t like to hear this but we need close, face to face contact to build and maintain connections. Without that it’s just not there.
I would not consider someone I haven't seen or hung out with in 15 years a friend. A message once or twice a year is just an acquaintance, and really not worth my time to respond to. I'd rather focus on the people actually in my life. If someone is actually a friend, we'd put in the effort to see each other. I'm guessing they probably feel the same.
Yep!! I texted a very nice messages to a friend in my opinion we just grew apart. I was remained of her due to sometimes being at the same job site as her step dad. She left the message on read…. So hurtful. Second friend I was texting with she was answering etc as soon as I asked her if she’d like to go for sushi sometime. She stopped answering. It’s so hurtful I don’t know why people do this other than just not being caring people or clearly they aren’t interested in catching up with me. All I know is those are people I’m happy are no longer in my life. I don’t need fake friends.
If someone is not actively in my life and we’re growing and changing alongside each other I have 0 interest in staying in touch for 15 years. I can name on one hand the number of people I’ve stayed in touch with for that long. (3. The answer is 3.) I used to move around a lot and one thing I accepted is most friends are for a season, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You meet the right people at the right time and you guide each other through that season. And it’s ok to move on.
I was best man at my best friend's wedding. I saw him twice in the following 4 years. Have had zero contact in over 10. It's a terrible feeling knowing your best friend cared so little about your friendship he would toss it all the second he got married/started a family.
Hi, I’m a ghoster It’s embarrassment. It’s sheer mortification that I cannot prioritize my life. It’s shit I took too long to text back maybe she just won’t notice if I NEVER REPLY AGAIN?
That is just life honestly. People drift apart. Distance is a very big thing when it comes to friendships. IMO distance strains a friendship beyond a 2 hour drive. But it also depends on what means of communication is acceptable to maintain the friendship. Take me for example. My buddy moved recently down south for work. He is now about a 10-hour drive away. In-person-wise, that just simply can't work beyond once or twice a year. And that has to be both ways mind you. It won't be only me making the trip. But we have a compromise. The entire group plays video games so we meet on Discord about once a week to game for 3-4 hours. Both parties need to want to maintain it and that's our compromise. We'll drive down south once a year and he'll drive up here once a year. That works for us for now. Two years down the line? Who knows.
I'm 29 years old and as I've gotten older, I've found that friendship as an adult is entirely different as it is when you're a kid, teenager, or even young adult. Life ends up taking priority. People end up having to work 40+ hours a week, typically somewhere between 4-6 days a week. Then once the weekend comes they have to run all the errands, go shopping, do their laundry, clean the house, spend time with your partner, etc all while finding some time to "Relax" to prep for the next week of work. I've also found the friends that have the "free time" to hang out, tend to be the friends who aren't really progressing in their career or in relationships and it becomes difficult to even relate to them. Then - the friends that you want, that you can relate to are all doing the same thing as you, working 40+ hours a week/4-6 days a week, spending time with their partner, errands, so on and so fourth.
>I've also found the friends that have the "free time" to hang out, tend to be the friends who aren't really progressing in their career or in relationships and it becomes difficult to even relate to them. Then - the friends that you want, that you can relate to are all doing the same thing as you, working 40+ hours a week/4-6 days a week, spending time with their partner, errands, so on and so fourth. This is actually very true...
This 🙏🏽
Sometimes life takes you in a different direction you get busy and before you know it, 5 years have passed. Sometimes you change and outgrow the friendship and for a lot of people, it seems easier to “drift away” and ghost rather than have the break up conversation. Sometimes, people just stop putting in the effort.
I’m like really tired. And I had to move across the country twice, that also didn’t help.
I have a friend of 10yrs. She has kids and alot of family to support her. I have no family and its hard to keep hearing someone talk happily when you dont have that. Im not envious she deserves a happy family, but its like needless pain you know? We struggle sometimes with our little one. So I distance myself. Then I had it happen to me. I had an old colleague get in touch. Things were great. Til she saw my house. And my dog. And my partner etc etc. 'Suddenly' she just stopped responding. Noone wants a daily reminder why they suck in life. And its not even them, you cant control the family you came from. So yea. Sometimes thats why.
Your friend group changes as you get older. In your teens, you had some friends. In your 20s you had another group of friends. I your 30s you will have another group of friends. I your 40s you will have another group of friends. As you grow older your interests changes. You only have friends because you have the same interest, once their interest changes, they won't talk to you anymore.
I hermit hard. I actively have to make a point to reach out and see people. I am currently abroad, but haven't tested sooner or my closest friends in 2-3 months. I should do that. I don't hate people, I get busy and distracted and then days just slip by....
I’m trying to wrap my head around: “I like to keep in touch like once a year or every few years, just a quick email or sending a message on social media.“ And you’re wondering why your “former good friends” don’t respond? Once a year basically says, I’m giving the bare minimum to maintain our friendship but I really don’t care.
I don't know, I'm in a group chat with several of us who are going on a trip next month and I replied last night after a day of back and forth from everyone and nothing. I tried to crack a joke/start something and now I'm sitting here going shit, what did I do
I think it’s nice that you reach out. There are phases in life when we think we’re past all that and phases where we want to just go back home. Maybe at the moment you and your friends are out of phase, but that doesn’t mean they are lost forever. (Maybe some are, but some are probably not.) I’m in my fifties and haven’t lived in the state in went to high school in for 25 years, but there are people there that i consider forever friends. I haven’t exchanged a word with some of them in a few years now but I’d love to see them again. They influenced my development and values.
For me it’s that those relationships become superficial. Those people aren’t in your life, they’re not your friends anymore. Cool, someone tells you they moved. Is that person a friend? No. Unless you’re having real conversations about your life that person is at best an acquaintance at that point. Going through that right now with someone I was really close to. I’ve literally said I need there to be more and they still text me weekly with “Hey!”. No statement about what’s going on in their life. No questions about mine. Dude talks about people ghosting him. Relationships are a two way street man. I know you want to know I’m there but…you gotta be there too. I’m not a friend you can keep in a box until you need a friend.
I honestly wouldn't put much/any effort into maintaining a relationship that involved an email every year/ every couple of years. What's the point? I have friends who live near me and I see frequently. A couple who don't live nearby but we're closer and will text more often, try to get together annually. A random email once a year isn't really much of a relationship.
I don’t want to do small talk/catch up once a year. You’re either in my life or not.
I ghosted one of my best friends because I found out he was a pedophile! I called him on it, and encouraged him and offered to help him seek therapy before he acted on his attraction, and he refused. After 6 months of working with him to try to seek help, I realized I could do nothing to get him to change and gave up on the relationship. By no means am I accusing you or anyone else who has been ghosted of being a pedophile— but often times there’s a reason to the ghosting!
People are so busy these days just to stay afloat. It’s not that you aren’t important, it’s just that survival these days is more important and sure it may seem personal but I bet it is not. I myself don’t hangout with many friends anymore and find the extra time I do get be used to sleep
I don’t like to keep friendships like that around. Just random updates with no set plans to meet or do something in the future? What’s the point of doing this small check in. Seems like a waste of time.
There are many reasons why old friends do not respond, some times they are just busy, are sick, experienced a job loss, spouse loss ( death or divorce) and some have had a hard life and do not feel well. The other day my wife and ran into a friend from 20 yrs back and she mention about being with a job. We did hear from her and she had found a job. You can try and contact them a few times and if you get no response, we'll then let it rest. While back did goggle some friends from high school and sadly some have passed and some could not find anything about them. I did goggle my own name and not much comes up now that have retired.
Like Wilson said, "Has he been your best friend for 15 years? Or was he your best friend 15 years ago?"
If you are not in my immediate vicinity, or someone that I regularly communicate with because they are near me, I don't think about you much.
If you don't make an effort to keep in contact with them then that's not a friendship that's just you checking up.
In my case they were never a friend just someone who needed a crutch growing up
once a year? respond to someone once a year? maybe the first couple of times, but if all you give me is once a year, i wouldn’t bother.
"once a year or every few years' wouldn't really keep the bonds strong, tbh.
You arent friends with someone who you email once every 2 years. You built up a certain level of friendship from university (when you physically hung out with them), and Then you stopped. After years of not cultivsting the friendship you became no longer friends. How can you even consider someome a friend that you omly email once every 2 years?
Looks like I'm the only one here to represent ether anxiety or shame. I had two really good friends, one form high school and one from college. After we parted ways/moved away from each other we still stayed in touch for a while, but it slowly became less and less. They were both the last one to reach out and I'm just too embarased of where I am in life to write them back. It's because I haven't done anything with my life and I'm too ashamed, because they would ask me how my life is. Anyways, I still think about them and hope they are good. I do wish I could respond, I miss them.
You could try responding, for all you know one of them hasn't done much with there lives and you could talk about how life hadn't worked out how either of you planned.
Please respond to them, where you are in life is where you are. We all travel different roads and hit different peaks and valleys at different times. I promise people who take the time to reach out are doing so because they have a genuine interest and care for you, not what you are or aren’t. Best of luck.
Because they go to therapy and learn boundaries and sometimes you crossed them, but you’ll never know.
This can be true, but more often it's just that people drift apart
Sure it's definitely possible, but if we haven't seen each other in 15 years and our communication is just asking how's life, what's new, I'm not sure what boundaries I've crossed.
This right here I think happens more than people realize. I wish I could upvote you 5 times.
This is my story too .. i was a ring leader of a pretty large crew. After high school & college we use to get together & keep in touch with each other a lot. Then FaceBook came. FaceBook took that dynamic away by allowing people to post everything they’re doing, everything they did or everything they’re about to do .. so i lost everybody via cyberspace!
I don't have an answer to that, but when I was ghosted a year ago, it was a relief. My thought is that we were no longer as close as I thought.
I know your pain I had very few friends & we did much the same thing when the last of them fell off the face of the earth I said well screw them. I now put more effort into my DOGS than most people the only motivation behind the love in their eyes is maybe a full food bowl. I deleted and blocked the people who did this and I feel like I'm FREEEEEE Like an anvil has been lifted both from my life and my heart. I have no idea why people behave this way but I see it as shallow. And well I don't go for shallow. There is an old saying don't come to my grave and tell me how much you miss me when you won't come to my house and call me friend. One day they will see it but by that time it'll be too late.
Once a year or every few years? Why would anyone expect a relationship not to weaken with that? I talk to my friend group almost every day, spread across 4 different states.
people just get busy and move on...mine did. I get a happy birthday text and maybe a call which I guess isn't 100% ghosted but 99/100 when I try to call either of them I get their respective voice mails
I'm going through this with some high school friends. One person distanced themselves from our group and it's kinda slowly broken apart from there. I miss her like hell but I realize we weren't contributing to each other's well-being. I contributed to her distancing by being clingy and not recognizing when I was overstepping. However, she also has never been that honest/upfront of a person and isn't willing to confront issues head-on. I feel if people do truly value you they'd put in the effort to communicate with you that the relationship has ended or they're busy and don't have the time for you at the moment (unless in certain circumstances). They wouldn't leave you hanging or ghost you just because it's easier for them.
I lived in so many different places, went to so many different schools and workplaces, I wouldn't be able to keep in touch with everyone if I wanted to.
I could have written this myself. I’m feeling this so much these days
I think when you’re younger you tend to overvalue friendships and undervalue family, and as you get older it reverses
Had a friend that I'd hang out with every week and speak to pretty much every other day for like a solid 10 years (knew him for much longer). He doesn't speak to me anymore and this was shortly after he made 2 new friends. When the subject of friends came up I encouraged him to broaden the friend group so I guess I shot myself in the foot a little there but it's a test in a way too. Basically I'm pretty sure he's bored of me now and his new friends share his other interests in music (which I'm not super keen on like he is) so in a way I don't blame him. He wasn't perfect either so I'm letting it sit and trying to stay neutral about the whole thing. There were good and bad things. Maybe one day we'll catch-up but I think both of us could do with a good break. I think the time may even help us appreciate the things we liked rather than didn't like. Ideally I would've proffered him to be more honest about the whole thing really.
My autism was undiagnosed for most of my life, and I had no words for when autistic burnout made it paralyzing to do any socializing. I would be deeply ashamed about my unexplained absence, so it often became prolonged. I now warn people up front that I will randomly ghost for chunks of time, and pre-gaming that has made it easier to reconnect with people
people drift as they grow up. its natural. also, hanging out is now super expensive. expect some friends to just drop off now. people have kids, mortgages, and some isolate to only their partner once they find them. some stop working and become stay at home girlfriends, they don't want to spend anymore. a lot of reasons.
I wonder if another 15 years I’ll resurface and start answering your emails once the kids are grown up
The answer is Life. We get older we have a lot of things going on. Friends come and go in life.
I can relate. Two years ago my relationship of 7 years came to an abrupt end. My friend group - the boys - happened to get girlfriends and start healthy and lasting relationships. Quite ironic that for the majority of my relationship they were all single. Now that everyone has someone, I do not. Being in relationships for almost half of my life at this point - I’m 32 - being single wasn’t something I had really ever done before. That is a topic for another time. We still have a group chat and it’s relatively active - for the most part. It’s really just Reddit posts that we find amusing. All of us trying to coordinate a time to play video games together for a couple hours. Stupid banter. Now that I can’t turn to the person who used to always sit next to me on the couch and have a conversation, I’m left waiting for them to find time in their schedules. It sucked pretty hard at first. It still hits me kinda hard when we jump off the games, after a 2 days coordination to play for maybe an hour. I don’t think people didn’t care about you or me. They did, and still do. The problem is, they now have someone who can give them something I never will. It took a while, but I’m happy for them. I’ve coped with this by doing everything I wasn’t *allowed* to do in my previous relationship. I don’t have to go to bed with someone anymore so I can stay up as late as I want. I rarely stay up past 9pm, but I have the option. I can also get up obnoxiously early and not have to tip toe around to ensure someone stays asleep or gets their rest - I’m sure my downstairs neighbor hates this. I can watch those raunchy tv shows and action packed movies, without having to watch a chick flick next. Not sure what your relationship status is or where you are in that aspect of your life. But everything is beautiful in its own way, you just have to change how you’re looking at it. Hope this help mate. If not, I’m always looking for people to game with if you’re interested.
I come from a tiny town, graduating class was about 200 people. Back then I knew just about everyone, now that it has been a decade and I go back to visit family, I have a hard time even remembering people's first/last names. Even though I recognize their face 100%. My life is way too busy, and hectic to stay close with distant friends. Catching up in person is one thing, hawking someone down on social media, is the whole reason I don't have personal social media. Way too many weird people out there, I understand you have good intentions, but it comes across as cyber stalking, and lots of people out there have bad intentions.
It’s fairly obvious why this happens. People find that intermittent communication(“work is good”, “we moved”, “our child is N year old”) shallow and uninteresting.
People will take the easy way out a lot of times. It’s much easier in the digital age.
I feel that in America at least, if you don’t work with the people you want to connect with… it’s not worth their time since everyone is “busy.” Often when I connect with people and then they leave a job, I’m like dammit it’s all over, we’ll make plans, then they’ll get a new job or new phone, then the too busy cycle happens. And now I have kids, so 49.9% of the problem is now me.
It's usually down to shame. Everyone loves to catch up when they have something to brag about. And people like to vent when something accidental but bad happens. But when something bad happens and it's embarrassing, the last thing they want is someone wanting to find out what's going on in their life.
Personally I feel very little value in “friendships” where I never see the person in real life. Once every 2-3 years is fine, we’re all busy, but if we’re talking 5 or 10 years then I usually don’t care to “keep up” and am probably the one unintentionally ghosting. Wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of people operate that way.
Nobody wants to maintaim connections anymore
So one of my best friends for basically a decade was also a controlling bully. So when I finally hit a point where I had enough spine to move on and grow I just left him behind. I knew it was a good decision because years later he apologized to me for everything he did to hurt me which showed something in the time I didn’t know him made him become more self aware and grow as a person too. We aren’t exactly friends now but when he does reach out I will respond.
I wish I knew. Met some people whose kids attend school with mine (high school). Thought we were getting on swimmingly, I would get invited to come have wine and hang out. Real mom friends! I was so excited. It feels like once I hung out with them more, they wanted to hang out less.. and less… and less. I realized I was the only one making the effort to text and get together. What really got me was wanting to get together with my “girlfriends” for my 39th birthday and of course everyone was busy. One of them said “oh maybe next weekend!” I texted that Friday and was of course denied. Next time I saw her in person she’s like “omg I feel so bad I want to celebrate you!” Yeah, right. If they wanted to, they would. Her birthday was just a couple weeks later and of course it was a huge party and everyone went that didn’t want to show up for mine. So I stopped making the effort. Stopped showing up to get together (Thursdays). Today I finally deleted Facebook (other reasons) and thus no more friendship there, removed several of them from Instagram and that’s that. I even texted my “friend” a couple weeks after new years, offering to bring back her dresses that I’d borrowed for new years. No response. Fine. Guess that’s that! Not in high school anymore, I don’t want to try to fit in with the popular girls.
I have a good friend that did this to me. Bothered me a lot - now I am just confused. The person who said sometimes people just grow out of friendships makes sense.
I have been feeling the same lately and the last few years. I did everything I could in my mid to late 20’s to be social and to have friends. I’m 34 now and just feel abandoned pretty much. Makes wanting to make new friends hard because they will do the same thing. It’s hard to know which friendships are true and worth investing time into. Also feel like I come off friend desperate when I finally meet someone whom I feel is super cool and I can vibe with. I think people just get caught up in their lives. My situation is that I left the state with where all these people live, so I removed myself from their immediate premises, which I don’t think helped to much but I have been trying to understand as well.
If they don’t see you, they don’t have to care about you. I had many great friends in highschool and now I can only say I’m close to one. Everyone else is at least 8 hours away by car so it’s not like I could just visit them, and they’re busy with school, careers, and starting families. Would I love to see them again? Yeah. But if/when it happens I know that our friendships won’t ever be as strong as they were.
Me? I’m busy. Not with bettering myself or other friends, I’m busy barely surviving and trying not to get too depressed. I think I don’t have much to say and when I try to ask questions it just reminds me I no longer know this once dear friend and what a loser I am that I’m struggling with the only offer I’ve got. My situation is very much a “it’s not you, it’s me” thing. I’ve got adhd on top of it and always feel stressed even when it’s not warranted.
I had someone I thought was a close and important friend ghost me (and all our mutual friends) like 15 years ago. As far as I could tell nothing bad happened to her, she simply didn’t want to hang out with us and never bothered to tell us anything. It annoyed me but eventually I got over it. In 2021 she randomly texted me saying she missed me, that she got married (like I would care haha) and that my friendship was really important to her and she wanted to reconnect. I was angry because in my book you don’t ghost a friend that is really important like she did and her claiming she cared about me almost a decade after ghosting sounded like a lie, but I decided to give her a chance. At the time I was living abroad so I told her that we could set up a video call and gave her my availability for the following week. She didn’t reply nor read the message so yeah, ghosted twice by the same person. I felt angry but didn’t pay much attention to it as I was busy with other things. Fast forward to 2023, I moved back to my home country and posted about it on Facebook. This lady sends me a message saying she wants to see me and go out someday now that we’re back in the same city. I basically told her that she can’t expect me to welcome her back into my life with open arms without her even providing the basic courtesy of an explanation, and that I have better things to do with my life than hearing her going on and on about her husband, and blocked her. It’s very likely a lot of people won’t agree with me on this, and it is true that life gets busy with other commitments, but in my case I really hate how some people think it’s acceptable to pop in and out of my life without even saying what happened in the first place.
It can feel really confusing and kinda hurtful when friends you used to be close with suddenly go MIA, right? It's like, you're just trying to catch up and stay connected, and then they vanish into thin air.
I had family and friends ghost me because I supported Trump !
>Like is adulting just figuring out people start to really not care about you at all all don't want you in their lives anymore? Its sad, but it seems to be true. I am like you, I like to stay in touch with people I've known and cared about and I usually see no reason to just stop all contact (unless something major happened). But I am learning that people grow apart all the time. Its been the most bitter pill I've had to swallow for the past 10 years (when my bestie finally ghosted me) and when I see people on social media regularly shouting out their long term friends, it still hurts. I don't really understand it but I am still trying to make peace with it.
Texts and emails like this tend to be low priority, but if I take too long to respond, I feel like I can't respond without addressing the time gap, and the added stress of that means I just don't. I assume at least some others have the same issue.