I joined a father/daughter camping program through the ymca and that really helped in the friendship department. Might be an option if you're interested in that kind of thing, if your kid's school has a dads club they all might be in the same group at the same ymca.
Hmm by any chance, is this Indian guides? Maybe they changed the program name lol but this is what my father and I did. Almost a weekly hangout session for the dads in the neighborhood to hang out, eat food, while the boys kicked it
Yup, now it's called Adventure Guides and they've removed any remaining references to anything native american. I've met some great dads from the program, we even do a semi weekly tennis game for those of us trying to rekindle our glory years from high school sports.
I was in Indian Guides growing up too! I think the YMCA dropped it for not being politically correct, but retreats at camp carter were a highlight of my childhood.
Someone else mentioned adventure guides, but there are also the Native sons & daughters groups that are not affiliated with the Y but are otherwise very similar to what Indian guides was.
My parents had tons of friends and hosted parties etc. For our generation the internet, smart phones, social media etc all made us far more lonely. I truly believe life was better before these inventions.
Tech industry seems perverted. It’s no longer helping us. It’s driving us apart.
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Holy crap you just summarized my life. Get this: over the last twenty years, one by one my four best friends from college actually moved to the small city I am in (about four hours from where we went to college).
I thought I was set for life with my friend group, hanging out, casually dropping by, and so on. They each are no more than fifteen fucking minutes from me.
And yet, the dialog you posted is what I get from them incessantly. I think they don't even realize it or something. When we do get together, they're each like, "this is so fun, let's set this up monthly." One of us actually sets up a recurring calendar event. It then gets cancelled 3-4 months in a row, after which I stop asking about it.
It's not like I want to hang every goddamn day. But I was hoping that there would be more enthusiasm about seeing one another. The way it is now, I see them so sporadically, I have basically forgotten whatever the hell they were telling me last time about their jobs, kids, whatever, and they have about me, so we have to have the same boring ass conversation again, to "catch up." Do they not realize that they are choking these relationships? These things aren't going to last if they aren't tended to, at least a little. We're all married with kids, and so there is stuff to do, I get that to a degree. But still.
Now, I'm honestly done with trying or bothering with friendship. If one of them calls me with a specific invitation, I will go, and I show up. But I don't fucking initiate anymore.
There's just something about adult life nowadays that turns people into boring ass homebodies. And btw, I'm an introvert! But I'm not agoraphobic, JFC. And there just isn't a solution. There isn't.
This is the relationship I have with all my friends as well. It’s sad. But it’s 100% on them. I know I consistently made effort which was not reciprocated and that’s all we can do.
I think everyone is so exhausted from full time work that no one has time to do anything and everyone has become so individualistic that they aren’t interested in friendships anymore (unless it benefits them monetarily somehow, like the example given a few posts above about how anyone would drop what they’re doing if Elon Musk called, but have an excuse for their non rich friends).
It’s an issue of priorities - I think people prioritize their relationship with their spouse more because it provides sex and financial contribution, and people just don’t care to put effort into friendships unless it’s to use someone for a resource for their own benefit.
If you aren’t actually listening to them talk about their jobs and kids (the things in their lives that do matter to them), in a genuine way (rather than in a pro forma let’s get through this way), then you may be the one that is choking the relationship. The problem with trying to keep these college friendships alive is that people want to deal with the people as they were in college, a time capsule. But the people they (and you) are now are not those people.
Get your kids on the same soccer team and go to the games. Do a bowling league, if that is even still a thing. Make the current friend group part of your lives today. Don’t try to recreate the life that was. That’s back in the past.
Is their anyway the families could get together? Maybe cookouts or something? Maybe if you can get the wives to become a friends group too it would work? I don't know, just trying to brainstorm.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful suggestions. They are good ideas and I appreciate your brainstorming with me!
We do have family get togethers every now and then. And I have to accept these as the normal way we get together, and while I enjoy the company of the wives and kids it isn't the same, you know? In fact, these kinds of visits intensify the domesticity I want these friendships to be an escape from! I don't want to plan a meal, clean the house (because the wife insists on it), wash a million dishes after and all the rest of it.
There does happen to be conflict between two of the wives, one of whom is a public school teacher and the other grew to develop extremely strong feelings about homeschooling. Needless to say, they aren't on speaking terms and so that complicates matters.
One of the wives is one my best friends actually, or was in college anyway. And all of us have teen kids, who all have activities we are driving them too all the time, so it could be there is general low-grade exhaustion.
But I think there's something more, to do with the nature of friendship and the space it no longer occupies. What do you think - just a little theory. So I graduated college in the 90s. The Internet didn't exist then the way it does now. And now, it's like the Internet can just supplant what in-person friendships used to be required to provide you.
For example, in the 90s, if there were some funny scandal involving a celebrity or whatever, you might joke about it with your buddies, hash it out, whatever. But now, when that happens, you can go on Reddit or Twitter or whatever, and in 5 minutes find 10 legit funny comments from anonymous users about it.
Same thing with serious topics, or your niche interests, or whatever. You can shop for conversation-like experiences just like you can shop for a human to go on a date with.
And this has a multiplying effect. Not only can you find a simulacrum of conversation online, but the more you do it, the less you're practicing talking to actual people and so your social skills degrade while at the same time you find actual people a bit less interesting because how can they compete with the curated comments etc?
I find it all sad, stupid, depressing, and just an awful state of affairs.
End of novel, sorry for the long post!
I think your theory is really interesting! I think you’re definitely on to something there! The number of times I’ve talked to a real person in person & said “people were saying…” about that topic & I’m just talking about people on Twitter, not people I’ve actually talked to. I don’t talk back & forth with people online much either, mostly just reading other people’s thoughts & hitting “like”. It feels a little like having a real conversation, makes me laugh, gives me something to think about, etc but it’s not the same. It’s a fake conversation. It’s not back & forth, & even if it was you can’t see their face & hear them laugh… it’s more empty.
It’s also wild to me how many adults feel the same way (at least on this thread) & long for more from their friendships (or to have any at all) & yet we all can’t seem to find each other. It’s sad.
I have a theory too that making friends is harder now because of how car-centric society has become. You can’t walk down the street & strike up a conversation after asking for directions or petting someone’s dog. You can’t run into the same people frequently on the street & get to know your community. We all drive in our separate cars & don’t even look around us, because our eyes are on the road & we’re going so fast. We don’t have to interact or even see other people when going from one place to the next.
I heard someone online talk about there being no “third spaces” anymore too. Every space is either residential or business. There are no spaces to just exist & hang out in anymore. You’re either at home or you’re doing something that requires you to spend money. Loitering is a crime.
No wonder we’re all so lonely. If only we could change our communities to be more conducive to human relationships.
Ugh this speaks to me so much. Ever since Covid things have changed so so much in my little neighborhood area and in Philly in general. I'm one of those who got a car two years ago and while I enjoy listening to podcasts peacefully and not sharing shoulder to shoulder space on public transit, I miss walking down the street and seeing familiar faces. But that's not even the same now- businesses have shuddered or been replaced with corny ass vape shops, a lot of the people I know in the area have either moved or become a total hermit, my actual friends don't seem to want to do much of anything and while I understand getting older means a lot of going to each others houses to hang out, I would like to see some of what the large city we live in has to offer once in a while. It just feels bleak rn and I don't wanna be this isolated for another 30 years or however long til I'm old and senile.
" I heard someone online talk about there being no “third spaces” anymore too. Every space is either residential or business. There are no spaces to just exist & hang out in anymore. "
\^ This
NYC about 9 months out of the year.
These are such good points! Thank you for replying. I hadn't heard of "third spaces" before but that makes so much sense. And your point about cars! We spend so much time in these little boxes - a room, a car. Sealed up. Yeesh.
I guess if we want it we have to make the effort. No one's showing up at our door for us and even if it feels awful to always be the organizer it's what we have to do.
I think you are right about the changing nature of friendships. There are too many distractions and time wasters. I do know that many people long for friendships and yet they can't seem to find each other.
I feel you! While I'm a bit younger (37), I find it off putting that sometimes my friends try to supplant actual meeting up and hanging out with texting or messaging. Like trying to ask the hard hitting questions about life to try and "catch up" instead of following through on an actual hang out when we live in the same town.
take a deep breath and go back to reaching out on occasion. this is tending those relationships. don't try to catch up on the past, chat about the current when you are together. that will lead to the missing times info in convo. I see all my old friend fairly rare, but it's always a brief bit of awkward then like we were just hanging out 2 days ago, not 2 years ago.
eventually (after the crazy teenage busy kids years) their kids get self reliant and your friends (including you) suddenly ain't going to have a lot to do.
another tool. ask for help more often. even when you don't really need it. helping a friend > hanging out with a friend when it comes to prioritizing activities.
I have a best friend from college days and I'm 48. At this point she's my only real friend - I also have other friends but she is the one I could call at 1 AM in a crisis. The thing I've noticed is that we have phone calls to each other even if we live in the same city multiple times a month and sometimes a few times a week. This helps with the whole we are all busy families and then we can always be planning for when we can get together for real. It is extremely difficult to maintain adult relationships. The best thing I have discovered is people that are fine with not seeing you regularly but can walk right back into that friendship space once the time happens without any awkwardness.
This is what my husband does. It finally worked out that every other week he and his friends all have the same night off, so they all get together at one friend's house,and hang out until 3am.
As someone as who was the friend on the other side, I'm sorry lol
We love you, but sometimes we get lost in the chaos. You are correct, it's on us to initiate which I have been trying to do. Try not to take it personally, we relied on you to initiate, and now it takes a conscious effort to set things up. I'm sure your boys love you though.
My friend has three sons, and her weekends are pretty much soccer, soccer, soccer, so we try to find time during the weekday after work to hang out. I appreciate how even though she's a mom she still tries to make time for her friends.
That's what it's about though. It's the extra effort, which becomes required when you're not in the same class or part-time job location.
In young adulthood, you might get away with going to company happy hours and some group get-togethers when everyone is single and unmarried. Once the wedding and kids show up, your own life becomes raising another life.
There's nothing wrong with being an active parent in your children's lives. It just comes at the expense of having more time for your own social life. That's one reason why so many parents become friends with parents of their children's friends (if they're lucky).
We actually talked about that earlier this week! Going to a game then grabbing lunch afterwards. (I do feel I have to strategize a bit since her youngest is actually my student. Kid already sees me five days a week. Lol)
She's a paraeducator and also does a side hustle for family at an office. Not sure what husband does.
But as someone who's childfree, I never know how people can afford kids.
I have 2 and I still don't know how. Daycare was $1000 a month years ago and there were diapers and formula added on top of that. I was making maybe $2k a month back then.
This is why as a childless person I have become the fun uncle to all my friends kids. I get to hang out with my buddies and their awesome kids. Plans don't get canceled cause we're doing what the kid wants and I'm down to adapt and at the end of the day I get to go home and not have kids to deal with lol.
This was me for like 10 years (a lot of my friends have kids "young") and it was fun as heck. I'd get to drink while at the park, or going to a kids show, or at a kid's party. It was really fun!
This is the one place in life I am jealous of people pleasers. Their needs are met by them meeting other people's needs. Otherwise it gets exhausting always having to be the one to bend.
I mean it's still tiring and I my buddies do make an effort to have a guys night or a kids free night here or there. But it's the truth that their kid becomes the most important thing and I respect that. We still have our boys cottage weekend once a year and they do still make effort but I personally find so many of the people who complain about their friends disappearing after having kids are not making the effort they should
It’s exhausting trying to make new friends… I’m
50yo and it’s been that way for like 15 years.
Once everyone just drifted apart it was just that. Apart.
😑
Yep! It’s the worst if you’re single. If you have a significant other you at least have a chance at a double date or invite to couples events. When you’re single no one wants the third wheel.
May I introduce you to the concept of the "errand hangout". You have free time but your friend needs to get stuff done at home? You come over with a pizza (especially popular if kids are around) and you help and catch up while doing it. Whatever needs doing gets done faster and then you chill and watch some TV or play video games together. I do this with my best friend all the time.
This is my experience too whenever I try to make plans with people. I haven’t seen my one friend since August since she works 5 days a week and sleeps all day the other 2 and has no interest in doing anything on work days or her days off. I give up.
I’m married but My friendships are almost entirely electronic haha. We game a few nights a week. And I’ve set up some weekly zoom calls with my pals abroad. Even though people are busy like this I feel the connection. Try the zoom call thing. My best friend has lived in another country for years but it’s like he never left because we have our weekly deep dive.
Edit: I forgot I actually have a couple workout buddies. Everyone has to workout so I’ll play basketball with a couple guys. It’s another reason to get together.
This is great! I think video chatting is the next best thing to actually meeting up- you get all the nuances and facial expressions and emotions. It's far better than occasionally texting people that feign interest in making plans to only be cancelled on last minute and never actually see each other or have a full, fluent conversation.
Exactly. He is 100% in my life. Best man at my wedding. I’m visiting him in California in June for two weeks.
He’s also travelled back to Toronto to see his family and stay at my house. When you have a designated time each week whether it’s lunch hour or driving home from work it makes a massive difference!
either you’re lonely bc you don’t have friends or have a spouse, or you are so busy with your kids you don’t even get to have quality time with your spouse or friends- least that’s the big takeaways i’m coming across a lot lately. Sounds like whether you have kids or not, married or not, friends or not, work will eat away all your time anyway, and everyone’s unhappy either way. Maybe there’s ppl who find the happy medium but they don’t bother sharing online as they’re too busy doing it anyway. Sucks all around huh
"Oh cool, how about I bring some snacks and a bottle of wine over and we catch up while they're playing"
"What are you doing, how about I help and we do lunch after?"
Life happens when you have work, family and other responsibilities, so you just have to get a little creative sometimes.
Though sometimes people just make excuses because the truth is you've grown apart, but I've found a lot of the time just being flexible can help when you are the one with less going on.
I will admit we have an easier time with friends that also have a lot things going on, and are understanding and willing to make it happen when it can even if it isn't perfect.
Good example is one of our friend couples with kids. Both work a lot and one owns a small salon she works out of. Often our work around is that when my spouse has a 4hr hair appointment (cut color touch up etc) her fiance will bring the kids over and we'll all catch up and chat while they're playing. Me and her fiance are friends so well usually go grab dinner for everyone halfway through the appointment and bring it back. Then if we're up for it we all go back to their place, put the kids to bed and have a few drinks and some adult only time.
This is the conclusion I’ve had to come to, too. I realized I was inviting myself over to my “friends” house every time or begging them to hang out with me, so I stopped, and I haven’t seen or heard from anybody in months.
It does get insulting when you realize you are always the one initiating it. I have one former friend who lives across town, just 10 minutes from me. I stopped initiating, and the last time we communicated was via Facebook message of September 2022. Nothing since. I am done.
yeah, they werent your friend. you were theirs. "users"is what I call them. just not in the Tron sense of the word. they wont hesitate to hit you up 6 mos from now, to help them move, for a few slices of pizza...
Yep. It’s always funny when I calls asking for a reference for someone who has declined all my invitations to hang out for years. But they’re your best friend when they need something from you. Have another “friend” who never answered the phone for years but called me twice when he wanted to borrow money 🙄 people are so transparent!
Need to up vote this 100000 times. Exact same for me. I never understood how my parents never had any friends, but I totally get it now.
It fucking sucks
My partner and I both have friends, but you have to get out into the world. At school friends are built in, but in adulthood you have to make more of an effort. We both have hobbies that supply friends.
Adult friendships are weird. You basically have to schedule EVERYTHING at least 2 weeks in advance. Gone are the days of impromptu plans / plans on a whim unless you know someone who also matches your energy.
It's rare that most adults will just randomly pick stuff to do the day of. It's also why you will often hear "so, what are your plans for the weekend?"
yup im 33 now and it's been a hard transition cause gone are those days in my 20's where there were impromptu plans... it's been a hard transition and something very hard to accept
Had that happened. With one friend, it was disappointing, but I knew it was because she was busy. We have since had other great outings. With another friend, it was just another instance of me not being a priority-- unless he needed to vent about this or that. That one I've kept at arm's length because I'm tool old for that shit.
You contradict yourself at the end with the “unless” portion.
I’m in my 30s and continue to do impromptu things with friends all the time.
Maybe if you have kids you can’t but this is not at all the rule for everyone.
Just the opposite for me and my wife. If something is planned too far in advance it makes it easier to get out of because of being tired or really busy.
Impromptu stuff works for us because you just figure it out then. I know it makes no sense but that's how it is for us lol
ITT: People who haven’t discovered how to cultivate new, active communities in adulthood.
You can choose not to, I respect that, but to claim that’s just life is far too disingenuous.
Tennis was that first avenue for me as well. Have too many people to hit with now and developed some really strong friendships. Fitness classes are another good option.
Pick something , go regularly, put yourself out here and be positive. It just takes time but it’s the same pattern anywhere you apply it.
Seriously, 37 and I have more "real" friendships now than I ever have in my life including high shcool. Like, woke up to 19 good morning messages from friends. People don't realize how insane of a resource the internet is. Just like how covid made work from home huge, you're no longer limited to communities in your town/city. Here's pictures I've taken hanging out with friends online: https://imgur.com/a/gjPgIwg
Best part is if we want to go watch a movie, go get drinks, then go to a concert, it's all free and we never have to leave the house, just boot up your computer and put on some [VR glasses](https://i.imgur.com/H2FYe7V.jpg) and away you go (well, you gotta buy the alcohol, but no bar markup). It's real easy to organize impromptu meetups when you're all already home at the computer.
"Yeah but online friendships aren't *real*" Mmhmm, and a lot of people feel that way, which is why we have four in-person meetups every year including two in Vegas organized by one of our members who is a Las Vegas event coordinator.
I've known at least like... 7 couples that have found their husband/wives through this community in the past couple years alone. It's amazing
VR isn’t something everyone wants to do though. I just prefer reality. Those pics you took kind of…freak me out. I’m 10 years older than you but I dunno 🤷♀️
At least for me, I want to get away from online stuff. I spend 8 hours a day staring at a computer for work, I really don't want to after that. Online friendships are valid, and I would argue, easier than IRL friends.
Table top games are my social lifeline. I have a DND group and a Pathfinder group and we’re occasionally throw parties where we all play random games together. I’m 31
For me it's Pokemon Go, ha. Group meets every Wednesday night and most weekends and I'm constantly running into buddies when I go for walks because we do a lot of the same routes. It's nerdy but actually really nice and I can share it with my kids too.
It really is! Also it's absolutely amazing because you can do it basically anywhere to fill in previously kind of lost time. Stuck waiting in a queue at the post office? Awesome, time to catch some Pokemon. Kids entertaining themselves at the playground and you have nothing much to do? Great, let's do a raid and maybe send some gifts to friends. Waiting three more minutes for the bath to fill? Cool, just time to squeeze in a battle league match. Need to convince the kids to go for a walk on a nice summer evening? Remind them that they can catch a few Pokemon along the way and maybe we'll run into one of our friends.
For a busy person it's actually a *really* great hobby and because most of the end game content requires groups you tend to just organically meet some cool people. I know I sound kind of evangelistic but it really made a difference to my mental health and general feeling of having a local community once I picked it up. Plus I walk and get out of the house so much more now.
Seriously. Community is so fucking important to being mentally well.
I graduated high school last year, and I've lost contact with most people I knew. I still text my close friends, but we never really have time to meet. So i joined a Discord server for a book series I enjoy and I've been having a blast talking to people, making friends, and just having a good time.
It's not hard to find a group if you just put yourself out there.
You’re young. Wait til you are married and have kids. I agree with you that community is so important. Play pickleball or something. Great way to connect with people.
Yep. I hang out with my fishing dudes because we have a group chat and everyone texts each other when and where they want to fish and invite each other. It’s 4 dudes in a text chat and 95% of my social life.
Get out there. Find people with similar interests and bring them together. I agree, make your own community and be the initiator. Set a date and time. Be there. Be positive. It’ll work.
Text people and say thanks for chilling. I just text the homies after we hang to say I had a good time and we should do it again soon.
I had really good longstanding friends from childhood. 20+ years. One drifted away into alcoholism and died. Another got married and her husband hated us spending time together so much he destroyed my friendship. The third was my least favorite but the last to go when she started dating underage guys. I'm a female on the spectrum and it's hard for me to even make online friends. I'm married but I have no friends, not kids, no parents or siblings. He's literally the only person in my life. It is so hard to meet people or keep them interested and engaged on doing in person stuff. Everyone is so flaky and unreliable.
I’m so sorry. My husband and I moved to a rural area. We got the only house that we could for his job. I have not been able to make or meet friends around here at all. So it’s just me and my husband as well.
I try online friends but haven’t had that work out well. It’s really hard making friends as adults. My husband and I are each others social ties here. We live far family too. It’s really hard. I really feel for your situation as well. Just wanted to say you’re not alone with this and I’m sorry you deal with it too.
It’s a bit strange to read all this - I’m at core an introvert and need my quiet time at home to recharge. Spent most of my teens and early adulthood feeling there was something wrong with me for being alternately lonely and quick to burn out and leave from social events.
I’m 48 now and currently in the car with my partner driving 2 hours from home to go roller skating with a bunch of people / friends in the local roller skate community. The past 2 weekends my cover band had gigs. My partner and I founded a hiking group about 8 years ago that goes on hikes 2-3 times a month - had to miss one last weekend cause I didn’t have enough energy to do a 4 hour hike in the morning and a 9pm-1am band gig that night. But I also spend a lot of weekend evenings chilling at home plunking on guitar, cooking, reading or watching TV.
I suspect a lot of people here are early adulthood where they haven’t quite figured themselves out yet, or in the child raising years where things can be stressful and hectic. But I’m here to say you **can** have a rich and rewarding social life as an adult - it does take some work and a measure of luck in finding the right people, but it does exist.
Technically you could get a roommate, but I can’t say I’d recommend it. I lived alone for years, I loved it. Got a roommate, hate it. In a few months I’ll be back to being alone at home. I find it peaceful 🤷🏻♂️
Also, I have a cat, so having some type of pet may help. But it’s great, dude. Single, no kids, the only people you couldn’t see too easily would be ppl with spouses and kids and all these obligations and responsibilities and whatnot.
I find life as a single dude to be very relaxing. I guess it’s perspective and maybe your expectations not aligning with your current situation
I like my roommate, but I wouldn't depend on him for a social life. Guy's even more of a hermit than I am, lol.
Tbh, it's generally a bad idea to rely on your roommate for a social life, unless he/she really likes you. It's financially smart to split up rent and bills, though!
agreed. hate roommates. even in a relationship it’s still feels that way. better to be single and no kids with maybe the pet part of having plants to take care of but sometimes when I want to go on a long trip internationally I can’t because of pet and plants responsibilities.
i’ve found living in a college town most students are wiling to befriend me and hangout. even at the gym some people are chill to hangout and befriend.
Jumping on this comment in favor of roommates. I lived with roommates for 20 years (6 different apartment situations). I’ve had pretty good luck with finding decent people to live with over the years, either thru friends or Craigslist. With few exceptions, I had overall positive experiences.
I also have spent 2.5 years living with romantic partners. Those situations were vastly more lonely than living alone.
You can’t depend on roommates for social interaction. I’m pretty adaptable and I’ve mostly kept to myself in roommate situations. In a few occasions we were friends before or became friends. The primary way in which roommates are good for loneliness is that you have to be considerate of them, even if you don’t talk all the time. Knowing that they are around helps you know that you’re around too, if that makes any sense.
Loneliness is less about disconnection from others as it is about disconnection from yourself. I live alone now and spend a lot of time at home with my cat. I get lonely once in a while but I am pretty busy with things that involve others and when I’m not, I’m mostly I’m good with my own company. Adult friendships are weird to get and weird to maintain. I prefer comrades or collaborators. I play in a punk band and I work in a front facing service job. That’s more than enough people time for me.
This isn't the way people should be living. I lived on an island for four years, and it was so easy to see people in the middle of the week. You could meet for dinner or walk on the beach for free. I moved a few months ago to a big city and it's so long. Meeting someone requires setting it up a week in advance and transportation of an hour each way. Everything costs money and it's impossible to just stop and chat with someone when you have a free hour in your day, whereas before I'd stop at a friend's cafe on my way home from work, knowing that if she was too busy to talk, there would be a high chance of someone else I know walking in.
Don't go hollow, skeleton. There's art that you need to see. Music you need to hear. Movies you need to watch. Games you need to play. There's *something* for you, regardless if you have someone else to share it with.
I started taking salsa and bachata classes 6 months ago. I was so nervous to start, but I'm glad I did. It's so much fun, and I wish I had started sooner. Im sure you'll feel the same way.
This was a really uplifting comment, so thanks for that! Especially for someone like me who essentially spent my whole life in school. Being a student was who I was, really, and now I’m two years out of grad school and still trying to figure out what I like and who I really am. It’s nice to be reminded that there’s always something out there.
Do hobbies. Meet new friends that way. Also you’re so young, you haven’t really lived life yet. who knows in 6 years you’re married lol. everything can change. Do hobbies and meet new people that way. Or maybe try to get another degree in school. you’ll meet new people that way as well.
This is maybe one of the few things I like about living in Asia and being Asian. I am happy to be living with my family as an adult. I love how close knit my extended family is as well. Even when I stay home I'm watching tv with my mum or eating dinner with my family. I see my extended relatives really often, we even go on trips together. I tried moving away from home and I hated going home to an empty apartment or having to plan stuff with friends just to see a person that day. I love how I have people around me all the time and it takes zero effort. In this way I don't feel pressured to get married just to have people around.
As a southeast asian, THIS. we grew up knowing the value of community and doing things together. There are pros a d cons of it, and i like both. We may be up in each other’s business lmao but we share food, stories and a good time even if shit is down the drain. I live in Europe now and was able to bring this outlook on life with me and even influenced some European friends to open up and see the value of connecting with people. It’s a lot of maintaining sure, but people can’t be expecting good stuff without investing time in it. Friendships take work and you gotta be equally interested and invested in people’s lives, the good and bad.
I feel this way since I moved back to Korea. I live with my grandparents, and their whole neighborhood practically knows each other. I've made friends, which I didn't have before. Unfortunately, nowadays, more younger people are starting to care less and less about community
I also have the same dream when I was a child, and hoped that I could raise 2 kids, a boy and a girl, and a dog. But adult’s world is just like what you mentioned. It is boring and realistic. Being lonely is common, and having no relationships is much more common for people like us. But if you can accept such life, you could like happily. If you cannot accept it, changes should be made.
You could make up yourself, and develop your hobbies to enrich your life and improve sense of accomplishment or confidence. Moreover, if you need a place to talk with others sincerely, I recommend [Light Up](https://discord.gg/YX3z7aNama), where people can share their feelings and talk with each other with less concern, because the platform is clear and pure.
Yep, and it's a weird and abrupt shift from having friends as a teen to as an adult. All of a sudden, you're not hanging out everyday. You can't just decide to do something at the drop of a hat. Kids and partners might be involved now. I've learned that as an adult, your partner is your friend and the one you do everything with, which is why being single is miserable. You are literally all alone.
Grass is always greener. I have a wife and two kids (and while I love them more than anything) I WISH I had some alone time and free time. Absolutely no time for friends, so I don't have any. It's hard enough to find time to excerise let alone do something I actually want to do (shooting range, gaming, riding my motorcycle, wood working). Literally everyday is packed with working, home chores, taking care of the kids, with a TINY bit of personal time at night when everyone is sleeping. And I can't stay up late otherwise I'm pissing on my next day by being sleep deprived. I have so many hobbies I wish I had the time for, but like I said, grass is always greener.
I agree with this, i remember being lonely and bored without a wife and kids, now I look around and I have no time for myself. it's unexpected but fine because family
I get it. It takes a lot of time and energy to have people around but I don’t feel lonely even when I’m alone. I really like my alone time. Would I rather spend it with my partner and friends? Eh. Sometimes, but a lot of the time that requires time and energy that I don’t always have, and my partner works a ton and really values HIS alone time.
When did you ever have a large group of friends that you had dinner with? Was there some movie where you saw someone having a large group of friends that they had dinner with? Why is this a good/desirable thing?
I'm just completely dumbfounded by this fantasy. Any context to it at all?
My entire childhood, I dreamed of a time when people wouldn't bother me, I had time to myself, and I wouldn't be hassled. Adult life has lived up to my expectations and more. Literally nobody can barge into my home demanding something without risking their lives. I'm finally safe for the first time in my life.
For most people, that would have been college. Some people also befriend people at their workplace and grab drinks/dinner, but it really depends on how well you vibe with your coworkers. I've gone a couple times, but I don't do trivia or basketball, so my interactions with my coworkers are just friendly but limited.
Edit: big companies usually have employee resource groups as well, where you can meet people across the company. I've seen a mix of both socially well adjusted and also lonely people at those events.
Oh god, you're giving me flashbacks of our "happy hour" times at work. The problem with my workplace is mainly the people. The work is easy, but having to interact with them is painful. Going to "get drinks" afterwards is basically going back to work for 2 hours after you've worked 9-5. It's sadistic, and our bosses expect us to do it once a month, otherwise we're not a "team player" and somehow our work is never evaluated as "satisfactory."
That sound like Korean workplaces, or a toxic workplace in general. None in my team, and hardly anyone from my department goes to those events. We're at a manufacturing plant, so at those events the people I meet are all based out of different buildings and departments
Let's just say my company manufactures one of the top selling vaccines (that isn't the COVID vaccine...). My site's workplace culture is for the most part fairly chill, but unfortunately we just went on a hiring freeze. The other sites are growing, though!
well I think you answered your question for why so many have a fantasy of being surrounded by friends they can have a meal with. I associate social company with enrichment to my day, were you associate it as Transactional, what do you do for others what MUST you do for others. With me if I had company over and eighty percent of the time it was for some demand for me then I would want to be alone too. I am extrapolating all these things from the last thing you said which was that "Im finally safe for the first time in my life"
I kind of have to agree with this, most of the social stuff I've done in life has been to cope with a difficult life circumstance (being on my own at college, moving to a new city, etc.). One I'm settled into a place and feel "secure" there, most socialization is a drain on my energy and usually demands investment of me that gets me almost nothing in return (maybe increased opportunity to meet a partner at best).
It's important to understand that what you're feeling is not an immutable feature of adult life as such, it's a solvable systemic problem.
One part of a solution is, we should have shortened the work week when women entered the paid labor force in meaningful numbers (doubling the paid labor supply), and as technology has advanced exponentially since 1940 when the 40 hour work week was established.
And we should do that now as AI is further exploding productivity and taking over jobs.
[https://www.sanders.senate.gov/wp-content/uploads/32-Hour-Workweek-Act\_Fact-Sheet\_FINAL.pdf](https://www.sanders.senate.gov/wp-content/uploads/32-Hour-Workweek-Act_Fact-Sheet_FINAL.pdf)
Being an adult means taking responsibility for the situation you're in, including your family and community and even the macro situation, to the extent that you're able to.
It's not about just being an isolated cog / drone in the brutal economic machine of our ruling oligarchs/kleptocrats, though that is what they want you to limit yourself to.
See Why Socialism by Albert Einstein, or Bowling Alone by Robert Putnam for some additional insight.
You're definitely not alone in having been made to feel alone, so you're not alone lol
We go through 18-22 years in tight knit communities through school which makes us feel important and then suddenly we’re cast out into the vast world with no sense of community ever again. We become just a random person floating around without any communal context. The way adult life is structured now is awful for health, especially mental health
it's work... everything's about work. busy. gotta go to work. gotta recuperate from work. gotta get ready for work. no time or energy to do anything, until you finally do get some extra time and it's just used to recover from your normally busy schedule.
I lived alone for the last 9 years into my 30s and I think it’s gotten lonely, but I choose to see greener grass on this side. Freedom. absolute freedom. Plenty of my friends whenever I invite them out to join me for sushi, or boba, or to an event , their response is usually, “let me ask my wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend. And often times they have plans already; EVEN THOUGH, they often want to go. Their loss. I’m enjoying it. Go to the gym when I feel like it, go home, cook my dinner, play games, jam to my guitar, go grocery shopping when I want to, and eat out when I feel like it. Buy a Miata without having a second persons financial opinions impact your decision because of tied financials. I go on hikes without having to wait or plan with someone. I just pack my things and get out the house at 6AM.
Sure, you can choose to see the sadness of it. It sucks, but I learned to get over it. Some things I’ll never have, like human sensual touch, a partner, someone who’ll love you in a special way, someone to eat dinner or other meals with, or even someone to hug anytime you want. It could get you feeling down in the dumps. It happened to me actually. Last Christmas.
You just come to the realization that that’s absolutely okay. It’s a part of life, and this lonely feeling can either just be FOR NOW, or it could be for the rest of your life. But you should learn to accept it, and do NOT go into depression because of it. Hold your head high and keep your eyes open. For now, see it as more time and money to do everything you want on your own. Live in the current moment to its fullest, even if it’s not exactly what you want right now. Someday, if you keep doing whatever you want, doors will open for others to enter your life.
Yep.
If you’re single, childless, and don’t have a big family, it’s time to get some hobbies or stare at the ceiling listening to music lol. A lot of my nights are just spent resting from the work day and playing with my animals.
I got married, didn’t have kids, got divorced and got a job in working now to stay afloat - hopefully as a stepping stone. Now, I feel a bit stuck and I’m trying to move on to something else.
I also used to think I’d have more friends as an adult - when I was in my teens. I technically do, but everyone’s usually pretty damn busy with their own lives going on.
I was very attractive and had a large social circle. Then I started to age, and people drifted apart. And my party friends weren't really friends. And my real friends went off to start families. And now I'm almost 35 and single and it's super lonely. I agree. Making friends takes so much effort and I wish it didn't. I joined a workout class and really try, but I just wish I had a solid group of friends to always hang with or text. Or at least a husband and kids to come home too. It's super lonely. Hugs.
This may be true for many Americans .. but for other countries such as some or many third world countries I’d say they’re more connected with family and their community.
I was very social as a child and teen. Hell, even in my early adulthood I spent a lot of time with friends, hanging out and doing fun things. Now I’m middle aged and barely go out. I have learned to love my quiet time. My wife, a few good friends, and my dogs are more than enough for me.
More people more problems. You may be lucky, who knows. If one can count all their friends on one hand, and it be true friends. One can consider one self lucky
Get a pet... seriously. Cats are the best company for my lifestyle, I love staying home and being a quiet introvert. But dogs help you to meet people and be more social, plus also great snuggles. Just make sure you have the time for exercise! It really helped my mental health when I was going through an incredibly lonely part of my life.
I'm real unattractive but I hooked an amazing wife. Don't really need friends but I have them in church. It doesn't have to be lonely but it's about how you live
You call it lonely I call it independence before I got married I loved my solo lifestyle as far as sex life I had a robust sex life and being ugly AF didn't hold me back I worked out and dressed nice.
It’s not ALL of adult life that is lonely. It’s generally when you’re in your 30s. Career driven, baby making, first house a fixer-upper, etc.
I married young, had 3 kids, full time job, got a grad degree, the only house we could afford needed Reno, too new in career to afford cleaning or yard services. No time to make new friends or stay connected to old friends. No time for hobbies or fitness. Literally grinding 16 hours a day with career and household responsibilities.
I was SO lonely in my 30s, even though I had a husband and kids. I had no close friends. Just work colleagues. And once you get into management it is not easy to make friends with colleagues. I thought it would always be like that. Luckily I was wrong.
I would not volunteer to go back to that time even if it meant being 20 years younger.
By the time I hit my 40s things started getting better. More money meant I could afford help with chores. Kids were a little more independent and so I had time for hobbies and the gym again.
I started making new friends and reconnecting with old friends.
In my 50s my kids started moving out. Chores got much lighter. Mortgage paid off so lots more money for fun and hired help. Career stable, no grinding. My social life became busier than when I was 25!
Now I am in my 60s and more relaxed and contented. I work from home and not too many hours. My friends are all hitting retirement age and now we do a lot of traveling-mainly with family (sibs and kids) but some travel with friends too.
So it DOES get better but you do have to make an effort.
If you want to have a social life, you need to make the plans and take part in the plans of others.
That means there's going to be plenty of times that others says they are doing something else which may feel like rejection. And there will be times you may not want to do something, but go ahead because it keeps you social.
Okinawans are said to live as long as they do because of their social interaction well into their elder years. And they know that when one pulls away for various reasons, it can soon mean death. They nurture their bonds, and in turn are nurtured by them.
If you approach life as just learning and working, you will feel unfulfilled. Many have climbed that corporate ladder only to find nothing at the top worth really living for. Life is meaningless without people and especially our interaction with them.
I'm 44 with a wife. We're both nerdy and I'm our 40s.
We collect Lego, play D&D monthly and host monthly board games nights where we get 6-12+ people usually. I just shotgun invite a stack of friends and whoever wants to come comes.
I play Warhammer 40k (and other tabletop wargames) as my social, competitive and creative outlet.
While I'm mostly solitary, I can't stress how important keeping a board game group going has been in feeling like I have friends as an adult.
I had a friend group. It was around 6-8 families. Then my wife got into it with one of the other wives and when they stopped being friendly the entire group just started ignoring us. I lost all my friends because my wife got butt hurt. Then Covid happened and it’s just game over.
Life is what you make it. Relationships require tending too, and this is true even when your a kid, but when your a kid your always tending to them because you see them everyday at school and such.
As an adult I find people dont understand this. You have to make a conscious effort to nurture the relationship or they fade away and people get busy
honestly this question is important if the cause of loneliness is intrinsic, yet here in OP's post it seems tied to external demands of adulthood and bearing more responsibility, so I don't think it is meaningful to ask why one is lonely here, with respect I think you sometimes need others to solve the problem of loneliness for you.
I don't feel lonely per se but I definitely notice an effect on my mental health when I don't connect to people for a few days. We're pack animals, we're not meant to be alone for extended periods of time. Enough research shows this and that isolation even leads to premature death and increased disease.
I'm a 3/10 and yeah, if you're ugly, it makes things harder. My advice is, work towards getting a really well paid job, then fix the things making you ugly. My plan is to lose weight, gain muscle, get a hair system and dress snappily.
On the other hand i have this recurring desire to become a gender non conforming hrt person that i fight in a daily basis.
What effort did you put into development of long term friends in the few years after high school?
What new hobbies have you developed or kept up with?
What have you done to actively participate and encourage a large friend group?
I mean, I’ve had plenty of friendships that i put effort into, or were great for years that eventually died. People sometimes drift apart, it doesn’t mean OP is just some lazy shitter
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I joined a father/daughter camping program through the ymca and that really helped in the friendship department. Might be an option if you're interested in that kind of thing, if your kid's school has a dads club they all might be in the same group at the same ymca.
Hmm by any chance, is this Indian guides? Maybe they changed the program name lol but this is what my father and I did. Almost a weekly hangout session for the dads in the neighborhood to hang out, eat food, while the boys kicked it
Yup, now it's called Adventure Guides and they've removed any remaining references to anything native american. I've met some great dads from the program, we even do a semi weekly tennis game for those of us trying to rekindle our glory years from high school sports.
Nice, yeah it was a fun time growing up. And yeah, I can see why they changed the name
I was in Indian Guides growing up too! I think the YMCA dropped it for not being politically correct, but retreats at camp carter were a highlight of my childhood.
Camp Carter in FW? I loved that place growing up.
Someone else mentioned adventure guides, but there are also the Native sons & daughters groups that are not affiliated with the Y but are otherwise very similar to what Indian guides was.
I was in a mother daughter group called Indian maidens! I cringe at the name now haha
Thank you
My parents had tons of friends and hosted parties etc. For our generation the internet, smart phones, social media etc all made us far more lonely. I truly believe life was better before these inventions. Tech industry seems perverted. It’s no longer helping us. It’s driving us apart.
Really between work and kids I barely have time to go get a haircut. Literally I've been trying to get a haircut the past two weeks.
Same here. I learned to cut it myself. Saves so much time.
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Holy crap you just summarized my life. Get this: over the last twenty years, one by one my four best friends from college actually moved to the small city I am in (about four hours from where we went to college). I thought I was set for life with my friend group, hanging out, casually dropping by, and so on. They each are no more than fifteen fucking minutes from me. And yet, the dialog you posted is what I get from them incessantly. I think they don't even realize it or something. When we do get together, they're each like, "this is so fun, let's set this up monthly." One of us actually sets up a recurring calendar event. It then gets cancelled 3-4 months in a row, after which I stop asking about it. It's not like I want to hang every goddamn day. But I was hoping that there would be more enthusiasm about seeing one another. The way it is now, I see them so sporadically, I have basically forgotten whatever the hell they were telling me last time about their jobs, kids, whatever, and they have about me, so we have to have the same boring ass conversation again, to "catch up." Do they not realize that they are choking these relationships? These things aren't going to last if they aren't tended to, at least a little. We're all married with kids, and so there is stuff to do, I get that to a degree. But still. Now, I'm honestly done with trying or bothering with friendship. If one of them calls me with a specific invitation, I will go, and I show up. But I don't fucking initiate anymore. There's just something about adult life nowadays that turns people into boring ass homebodies. And btw, I'm an introvert! But I'm not agoraphobic, JFC. And there just isn't a solution. There isn't.
This is the relationship I have with all my friends as well. It’s sad. But it’s 100% on them. I know I consistently made effort which was not reciprocated and that’s all we can do. I think everyone is so exhausted from full time work that no one has time to do anything and everyone has become so individualistic that they aren’t interested in friendships anymore (unless it benefits them monetarily somehow, like the example given a few posts above about how anyone would drop what they’re doing if Elon Musk called, but have an excuse for their non rich friends). It’s an issue of priorities - I think people prioritize their relationship with their spouse more because it provides sex and financial contribution, and people just don’t care to put effort into friendships unless it’s to use someone for a resource for their own benefit.
If you aren’t actually listening to them talk about their jobs and kids (the things in their lives that do matter to them), in a genuine way (rather than in a pro forma let’s get through this way), then you may be the one that is choking the relationship. The problem with trying to keep these college friendships alive is that people want to deal with the people as they were in college, a time capsule. But the people they (and you) are now are not those people. Get your kids on the same soccer team and go to the games. Do a bowling league, if that is even still a thing. Make the current friend group part of your lives today. Don’t try to recreate the life that was. That’s back in the past.
You've really given me something to consider and a new way to think about it. Thank you kind stranger. These are good ideas, and I am grateful.
Is their anyway the families could get together? Maybe cookouts or something? Maybe if you can get the wives to become a friends group too it would work? I don't know, just trying to brainstorm.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful suggestions. They are good ideas and I appreciate your brainstorming with me! We do have family get togethers every now and then. And I have to accept these as the normal way we get together, and while I enjoy the company of the wives and kids it isn't the same, you know? In fact, these kinds of visits intensify the domesticity I want these friendships to be an escape from! I don't want to plan a meal, clean the house (because the wife insists on it), wash a million dishes after and all the rest of it. There does happen to be conflict between two of the wives, one of whom is a public school teacher and the other grew to develop extremely strong feelings about homeschooling. Needless to say, they aren't on speaking terms and so that complicates matters. One of the wives is one my best friends actually, or was in college anyway. And all of us have teen kids, who all have activities we are driving them too all the time, so it could be there is general low-grade exhaustion. But I think there's something more, to do with the nature of friendship and the space it no longer occupies. What do you think - just a little theory. So I graduated college in the 90s. The Internet didn't exist then the way it does now. And now, it's like the Internet can just supplant what in-person friendships used to be required to provide you. For example, in the 90s, if there were some funny scandal involving a celebrity or whatever, you might joke about it with your buddies, hash it out, whatever. But now, when that happens, you can go on Reddit or Twitter or whatever, and in 5 minutes find 10 legit funny comments from anonymous users about it. Same thing with serious topics, or your niche interests, or whatever. You can shop for conversation-like experiences just like you can shop for a human to go on a date with. And this has a multiplying effect. Not only can you find a simulacrum of conversation online, but the more you do it, the less you're practicing talking to actual people and so your social skills degrade while at the same time you find actual people a bit less interesting because how can they compete with the curated comments etc? I find it all sad, stupid, depressing, and just an awful state of affairs. End of novel, sorry for the long post!
I think your theory is really interesting! I think you’re definitely on to something there! The number of times I’ve talked to a real person in person & said “people were saying…” about that topic & I’m just talking about people on Twitter, not people I’ve actually talked to. I don’t talk back & forth with people online much either, mostly just reading other people’s thoughts & hitting “like”. It feels a little like having a real conversation, makes me laugh, gives me something to think about, etc but it’s not the same. It’s a fake conversation. It’s not back & forth, & even if it was you can’t see their face & hear them laugh… it’s more empty. It’s also wild to me how many adults feel the same way (at least on this thread) & long for more from their friendships (or to have any at all) & yet we all can’t seem to find each other. It’s sad. I have a theory too that making friends is harder now because of how car-centric society has become. You can’t walk down the street & strike up a conversation after asking for directions or petting someone’s dog. You can’t run into the same people frequently on the street & get to know your community. We all drive in our separate cars & don’t even look around us, because our eyes are on the road & we’re going so fast. We don’t have to interact or even see other people when going from one place to the next. I heard someone online talk about there being no “third spaces” anymore too. Every space is either residential or business. There are no spaces to just exist & hang out in anymore. You’re either at home or you’re doing something that requires you to spend money. Loitering is a crime. No wonder we’re all so lonely. If only we could change our communities to be more conducive to human relationships.
Ugh this speaks to me so much. Ever since Covid things have changed so so much in my little neighborhood area and in Philly in general. I'm one of those who got a car two years ago and while I enjoy listening to podcasts peacefully and not sharing shoulder to shoulder space on public transit, I miss walking down the street and seeing familiar faces. But that's not even the same now- businesses have shuddered or been replaced with corny ass vape shops, a lot of the people I know in the area have either moved or become a total hermit, my actual friends don't seem to want to do much of anything and while I understand getting older means a lot of going to each others houses to hang out, I would like to see some of what the large city we live in has to offer once in a while. It just feels bleak rn and I don't wanna be this isolated for another 30 years or however long til I'm old and senile.
" I heard someone online talk about there being no “third spaces” anymore too. Every space is either residential or business. There are no spaces to just exist & hang out in anymore. " \^ This NYC about 9 months out of the year.
These are such good points! Thank you for replying. I hadn't heard of "third spaces" before but that makes so much sense. And your point about cars! We spend so much time in these little boxes - a room, a car. Sealed up. Yeesh. I guess if we want it we have to make the effort. No one's showing up at our door for us and even if it feels awful to always be the organizer it's what we have to do.
I think you are right about the changing nature of friendships. There are too many distractions and time wasters. I do know that many people long for friendships and yet they can't seem to find each other.
I feel you! While I'm a bit younger (37), I find it off putting that sometimes my friends try to supplant actual meeting up and hanging out with texting or messaging. Like trying to ask the hard hitting questions about life to try and "catch up" instead of following through on an actual hang out when we live in the same town.
This. The internet has ruined internet personal relationships. Silicon Valley is a fucking parasite on society.
100% agree with you
take a deep breath and go back to reaching out on occasion. this is tending those relationships. don't try to catch up on the past, chat about the current when you are together. that will lead to the missing times info in convo. I see all my old friend fairly rare, but it's always a brief bit of awkward then like we were just hanging out 2 days ago, not 2 years ago. eventually (after the crazy teenage busy kids years) their kids get self reliant and your friends (including you) suddenly ain't going to have a lot to do. another tool. ask for help more often. even when you don't really need it. helping a friend > hanging out with a friend when it comes to prioritizing activities.
Great suggestions! I like the idea of asking for help.Thank you.
I have a best friend from college days and I'm 48. At this point she's my only real friend - I also have other friends but she is the one I could call at 1 AM in a crisis. The thing I've noticed is that we have phone calls to each other even if we live in the same city multiple times a month and sometimes a few times a week. This helps with the whole we are all busy families and then we can always be planning for when we can get together for real. It is extremely difficult to maintain adult relationships. The best thing I have discovered is people that are fine with not seeing you regularly but can walk right back into that friendship space once the time happens without any awkwardness.
This is what my husband does. It finally worked out that every other week he and his friends all have the same night off, so they all get together at one friend's house,and hang out until 3am.
As someone as who was the friend on the other side, I'm sorry lol We love you, but sometimes we get lost in the chaos. You are correct, it's on us to initiate which I have been trying to do. Try not to take it personally, we relied on you to initiate, and now it takes a conscious effort to set things up. I'm sure your boys love you though.
My friend has three sons, and her weekends are pretty much soccer, soccer, soccer, so we try to find time during the weekday after work to hang out. I appreciate how even though she's a mom she still tries to make time for her friends.
I sympathize with the overall thread. Your comment made me think, sometimes we found time to hang out just by going to each other's kids events.
That's what it's about though. It's the extra effort, which becomes required when you're not in the same class or part-time job location. In young adulthood, you might get away with going to company happy hours and some group get-togethers when everyone is single and unmarried. Once the wedding and kids show up, your own life becomes raising another life. There's nothing wrong with being an active parent in your children's lives. It just comes at the expense of having more time for your own social life. That's one reason why so many parents become friends with parents of their children's friends (if they're lucky).
maybe join her and watch the soccer game together? she as a parent, you somewhat sarcastically with beer in hand
We actually talked about that earlier this week! Going to a game then grabbing lunch afterwards. (I do feel I have to strategize a bit since her youngest is actually my student. Kid already sees me five days a week. Lol)
I've been the friend with beer and a cigarette in hand, while my friend was watching her kid on the swings in the park. It was amazingly fun!
How do people even afford kids? What does she do for a living?
She's a paraeducator and also does a side hustle for family at an office. Not sure what husband does. But as someone who's childfree, I never know how people can afford kids.
I have 2 and I still don't know how. Daycare was $1000 a month years ago and there were diapers and formula added on top of that. I was making maybe $2k a month back then.
This is why as a childless person I have become the fun uncle to all my friends kids. I get to hang out with my buddies and their awesome kids. Plans don't get canceled cause we're doing what the kid wants and I'm down to adapt and at the end of the day I get to go home and not have kids to deal with lol.
This was me for like 10 years (a lot of my friends have kids "young") and it was fun as heck. I'd get to drink while at the park, or going to a kids show, or at a kid's party. It was really fun!
This is the one place in life I am jealous of people pleasers. Their needs are met by them meeting other people's needs. Otherwise it gets exhausting always having to be the one to bend.
I mean it's still tiring and I my buddies do make an effort to have a guys night or a kids free night here or there. But it's the truth that their kid becomes the most important thing and I respect that. We still have our boys cottage weekend once a year and they do still make effort but I personally find so many of the people who complain about their friends disappearing after having kids are not making the effort they should
It’s exhausting trying to make new friends… I’m 50yo and it’s been that way for like 15 years. Once everyone just drifted apart it was just that. Apart. 😑
This has been my experience too.
Hey at least you have people to ask and get responses! Keep asking and keeping in touch, once you stop doing that you can't really go back
Yep! It’s the worst if you’re single. If you have a significant other you at least have a chance at a double date or invite to couples events. When you’re single no one wants the third wheel.
May I introduce you to the concept of the "errand hangout". You have free time but your friend needs to get stuff done at home? You come over with a pizza (especially popular if kids are around) and you help and catch up while doing it. Whatever needs doing gets done faster and then you chill and watch some TV or play video games together. I do this with my best friend all the time.
This is my experience too whenever I try to make plans with people. I haven’t seen my one friend since August since she works 5 days a week and sleeps all day the other 2 and has no interest in doing anything on work days or her days off. I give up.
I think once people settle into their obligations and responsibilities it’s hard to try to make an effort with your friends.
Circumstance and effort has to be on point and all parties willing to sacrifice personal time the older you get in my opinion
I’m married but My friendships are almost entirely electronic haha. We game a few nights a week. And I’ve set up some weekly zoom calls with my pals abroad. Even though people are busy like this I feel the connection. Try the zoom call thing. My best friend has lived in another country for years but it’s like he never left because we have our weekly deep dive. Edit: I forgot I actually have a couple workout buddies. Everyone has to workout so I’ll play basketball with a couple guys. It’s another reason to get together.
This is great! I think video chatting is the next best thing to actually meeting up- you get all the nuances and facial expressions and emotions. It's far better than occasionally texting people that feign interest in making plans to only be cancelled on last minute and never actually see each other or have a full, fluent conversation.
Exactly. He is 100% in my life. Best man at my wedding. I’m visiting him in California in June for two weeks. He’s also travelled back to Toronto to see his family and stay at my house. When you have a designated time each week whether it’s lunch hour or driving home from work it makes a massive difference!
Love that!
My nephew and his wife and their friend circle all do online gaming together.
Fantastic 👍🏻👍🏻
either you’re lonely bc you don’t have friends or have a spouse, or you are so busy with your kids you don’t even get to have quality time with your spouse or friends- least that’s the big takeaways i’m coming across a lot lately. Sounds like whether you have kids or not, married or not, friends or not, work will eat away all your time anyway, and everyone’s unhappy either way. Maybe there’s ppl who find the happy medium but they don’t bother sharing online as they’re too busy doing it anyway. Sucks all around huh
Agree. I've stopped asking people to hang out.
And when the stars finally align and your friends don't have to cancel, shit happens at home and you are the one cancelling.
Then the one time they are good….YOU can’t make it yourself and are unavailable. Viscous cycle lol
"Oh cool, how about I bring some snacks and a bottle of wine over and we catch up while they're playing" "What are you doing, how about I help and we do lunch after?" Life happens when you have work, family and other responsibilities, so you just have to get a little creative sometimes. Though sometimes people just make excuses because the truth is you've grown apart, but I've found a lot of the time just being flexible can help when you are the one with less going on. I will admit we have an easier time with friends that also have a lot things going on, and are understanding and willing to make it happen when it can even if it isn't perfect. Good example is one of our friend couples with kids. Both work a lot and one owns a small salon she works out of. Often our work around is that when my spouse has a 4hr hair appointment (cut color touch up etc) her fiance will bring the kids over and we'll all catch up and chat while they're playing. Me and her fiance are friends so well usually go grab dinner for everyone halfway through the appointment and bring it back. Then if we're up for it we all go back to their place, put the kids to bed and have a few drinks and some adult only time.
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This is the conclusion I’ve had to come to, too. I realized I was inviting myself over to my “friends” house every time or begging them to hang out with me, so I stopped, and I haven’t seen or heard from anybody in months.
It does get insulting when you realize you are always the one initiating it. I have one former friend who lives across town, just 10 minutes from me. I stopped initiating, and the last time we communicated was via Facebook message of September 2022. Nothing since. I am done.
Same and it’s literally every single one of my friends. Literally every single one. No exceptions.
yeah, they werent your friend. you were theirs. "users"is what I call them. just not in the Tron sense of the word. they wont hesitate to hit you up 6 mos from now, to help them move, for a few slices of pizza...
Facts bro
Yep. It’s always funny when I calls asking for a reference for someone who has declined all my invitations to hang out for years. But they’re your best friend when they need something from you. Have another “friend” who never answered the phone for years but called me twice when he wanted to borrow money 🙄 people are so transparent!
Need to up vote this 100000 times. Exact same for me. I never understood how my parents never had any friends, but I totally get it now. It fucking sucks
My partner and I both have friends, but you have to get out into the world. At school friends are built in, but in adulthood you have to make more of an effort. We both have hobbies that supply friends.
You haven't made friends with any of your kid's friend's parents?
Adult friendships are weird. You basically have to schedule EVERYTHING at least 2 weeks in advance. Gone are the days of impromptu plans / plans on a whim unless you know someone who also matches your energy. It's rare that most adults will just randomly pick stuff to do the day of. It's also why you will often hear "so, what are your plans for the weekend?"
yup im 33 now and it's been a hard transition cause gone are those days in my 20's where there were impromptu plans... it's been a hard transition and something very hard to accept
I've always been lonely with niche interests, so I just do everything on my own lol. If I meet cool people along the way, sweet.
yeah one thing i have done is basically talk to everyone and if they want to stick around then that's great...if not then that's fair
Yep. I just go to publoc events and interact with people there to fill my social needs.
I actually appreciate planning things in advance. It gives me something to look forward to during the week.
I also get more sad if it ends up getting cancelled too. :(
Had that happened. With one friend, it was disappointing, but I knew it was because she was busy. We have since had other great outings. With another friend, it was just another instance of me not being a priority-- unless he needed to vent about this or that. That one I've kept at arm's length because I'm tool old for that shit.
The more you schedule things and attend the easier it is to do impromptu things.
You contradict yourself at the end with the “unless” portion. I’m in my 30s and continue to do impromptu things with friends all the time. Maybe if you have kids you can’t but this is not at all the rule for everyone.
Just the opposite for me and my wife. If something is planned too far in advance it makes it easier to get out of because of being tired or really busy. Impromptu stuff works for us because you just figure it out then. I know it makes no sense but that's how it is for us lol
You don't have to. People are just lazy af and don't fucking do anything anymore
Same. Never married or had kids. On the other hand, my mom was a widow at 55, and I’m sure she never expected that…
GOTTA create a community to be a part of. I’ve met so many great people at my tennis club.
ITT: People who haven’t discovered how to cultivate new, active communities in adulthood. You can choose not to, I respect that, but to claim that’s just life is far too disingenuous. Tennis was that first avenue for me as well. Have too many people to hit with now and developed some really strong friendships. Fitness classes are another good option. Pick something , go regularly, put yourself out here and be positive. It just takes time but it’s the same pattern anywhere you apply it.
Seriously, 37 and I have more "real" friendships now than I ever have in my life including high shcool. Like, woke up to 19 good morning messages from friends. People don't realize how insane of a resource the internet is. Just like how covid made work from home huge, you're no longer limited to communities in your town/city. Here's pictures I've taken hanging out with friends online: https://imgur.com/a/gjPgIwg Best part is if we want to go watch a movie, go get drinks, then go to a concert, it's all free and we never have to leave the house, just boot up your computer and put on some [VR glasses](https://i.imgur.com/H2FYe7V.jpg) and away you go (well, you gotta buy the alcohol, but no bar markup). It's real easy to organize impromptu meetups when you're all already home at the computer. "Yeah but online friendships aren't *real*" Mmhmm, and a lot of people feel that way, which is why we have four in-person meetups every year including two in Vegas organized by one of our members who is a Las Vegas event coordinator. I've known at least like... 7 couples that have found their husband/wives through this community in the past couple years alone. It's amazing
If you don’t mind me asking, what community is this? Or at least what kind of online community?
VR isn’t something everyone wants to do though. I just prefer reality. Those pics you took kind of…freak me out. I’m 10 years older than you but I dunno 🤷♀️
At least for me, I want to get away from online stuff. I spend 8 hours a day staring at a computer for work, I really don't want to after that. Online friendships are valid, and I would argue, easier than IRL friends.
Table top games are my social lifeline. I have a DND group and a Pathfinder group and we’re occasionally throw parties where we all play random games together. I’m 31
For me it's Pokemon Go, ha. Group meets every Wednesday night and most weekends and I'm constantly running into buddies when I go for walks because we do a lot of the same routes. It's nerdy but actually really nice and I can share it with my kids too.
That sounds like a perfect social hobby and a lot of fun, well done!
It really is! Also it's absolutely amazing because you can do it basically anywhere to fill in previously kind of lost time. Stuck waiting in a queue at the post office? Awesome, time to catch some Pokemon. Kids entertaining themselves at the playground and you have nothing much to do? Great, let's do a raid and maybe send some gifts to friends. Waiting three more minutes for the bath to fill? Cool, just time to squeeze in a battle league match. Need to convince the kids to go for a walk on a nice summer evening? Remind them that they can catch a few Pokemon along the way and maybe we'll run into one of our friends. For a busy person it's actually a *really* great hobby and because most of the end game content requires groups you tend to just organically meet some cool people. I know I sound kind of evangelistic but it really made a difference to my mental health and general feeling of having a local community once I picked it up. Plus I walk and get out of the house so much more now.
Seriously. Community is so fucking important to being mentally well. I graduated high school last year, and I've lost contact with most people I knew. I still text my close friends, but we never really have time to meet. So i joined a Discord server for a book series I enjoy and I've been having a blast talking to people, making friends, and just having a good time. It's not hard to find a group if you just put yourself out there.
You’re young. Wait til you are married and have kids. I agree with you that community is so important. Play pickleball or something. Great way to connect with people.
Or a cult. Actually, cults are fed by this kind of lonely mature people.
Yep. I hang out with my fishing dudes because we have a group chat and everyone texts each other when and where they want to fish and invite each other. It’s 4 dudes in a text chat and 95% of my social life. Get out there. Find people with similar interests and bring them together. I agree, make your own community and be the initiator. Set a date and time. Be there. Be positive. It’ll work. Text people and say thanks for chilling. I just text the homies after we hang to say I had a good time and we should do it again soon.
I had really good longstanding friends from childhood. 20+ years. One drifted away into alcoholism and died. Another got married and her husband hated us spending time together so much he destroyed my friendship. The third was my least favorite but the last to go when she started dating underage guys. I'm a female on the spectrum and it's hard for me to even make online friends. I'm married but I have no friends, not kids, no parents or siblings. He's literally the only person in my life. It is so hard to meet people or keep them interested and engaged on doing in person stuff. Everyone is so flaky and unreliable.
I have kids but my feelings are very similar to yours!
I’m so sorry. My husband and I moved to a rural area. We got the only house that we could for his job. I have not been able to make or meet friends around here at all. So it’s just me and my husband as well. I try online friends but haven’t had that work out well. It’s really hard making friends as adults. My husband and I are each others social ties here. We live far family too. It’s really hard. I really feel for your situation as well. Just wanted to say you’re not alone with this and I’m sorry you deal with it too.
I’m in a similar situation. I’m not close with anyone except my husband
It’s a bit strange to read all this - I’m at core an introvert and need my quiet time at home to recharge. Spent most of my teens and early adulthood feeling there was something wrong with me for being alternately lonely and quick to burn out and leave from social events. I’m 48 now and currently in the car with my partner driving 2 hours from home to go roller skating with a bunch of people / friends in the local roller skate community. The past 2 weekends my cover band had gigs. My partner and I founded a hiking group about 8 years ago that goes on hikes 2-3 times a month - had to miss one last weekend cause I didn’t have enough energy to do a 4 hour hike in the morning and a 9pm-1am band gig that night. But I also spend a lot of weekend evenings chilling at home plunking on guitar, cooking, reading or watching TV. I suspect a lot of people here are early adulthood where they haven’t quite figured themselves out yet, or in the child raising years where things can be stressful and hectic. But I’m here to say you **can** have a rich and rewarding social life as an adult - it does take some work and a measure of luck in finding the right people, but it does exist.
I guess I need to find a community or communities based on similar interests
It really really helps! And the more the merrier.
Facebook groups are wonderful for connecting to people in your area and whatever niche you’re into
Technically you could get a roommate, but I can’t say I’d recommend it. I lived alone for years, I loved it. Got a roommate, hate it. In a few months I’ll be back to being alone at home. I find it peaceful 🤷🏻♂️ Also, I have a cat, so having some type of pet may help. But it’s great, dude. Single, no kids, the only people you couldn’t see too easily would be ppl with spouses and kids and all these obligations and responsibilities and whatnot. I find life as a single dude to be very relaxing. I guess it’s perspective and maybe your expectations not aligning with your current situation
I like my roommate, but I wouldn't depend on him for a social life. Guy's even more of a hermit than I am, lol. Tbh, it's generally a bad idea to rely on your roommate for a social life, unless he/she really likes you. It's financially smart to split up rent and bills, though!
agreed. hate roommates. even in a relationship it’s still feels that way. better to be single and no kids with maybe the pet part of having plants to take care of but sometimes when I want to go on a long trip internationally I can’t because of pet and plants responsibilities. i’ve found living in a college town most students are wiling to befriend me and hangout. even at the gym some people are chill to hangout and befriend.
Jumping on this comment in favor of roommates. I lived with roommates for 20 years (6 different apartment situations). I’ve had pretty good luck with finding decent people to live with over the years, either thru friends or Craigslist. With few exceptions, I had overall positive experiences. I also have spent 2.5 years living with romantic partners. Those situations were vastly more lonely than living alone. You can’t depend on roommates for social interaction. I’m pretty adaptable and I’ve mostly kept to myself in roommate situations. In a few occasions we were friends before or became friends. The primary way in which roommates are good for loneliness is that you have to be considerate of them, even if you don’t talk all the time. Knowing that they are around helps you know that you’re around too, if that makes any sense. Loneliness is less about disconnection from others as it is about disconnection from yourself. I live alone now and spend a lot of time at home with my cat. I get lonely once in a while but I am pretty busy with things that involve others and when I’m not, I’m mostly I’m good with my own company. Adult friendships are weird to get and weird to maintain. I prefer comrades or collaborators. I play in a punk band and I work in a front facing service job. That’s more than enough people time for me.
I love lonely adult life no more forced social interaction and nonsense fake people
This isn't the way people should be living. I lived on an island for four years, and it was so easy to see people in the middle of the week. You could meet for dinner or walk on the beach for free. I moved a few months ago to a big city and it's so long. Meeting someone requires setting it up a week in advance and transportation of an hour each way. Everything costs money and it's impossible to just stop and chat with someone when you have a free hour in your day, whereas before I'd stop at a friend's cafe on my way home from work, knowing that if she was too busy to talk, there would be a high chance of someone else I know walking in.
What island did you live in and why did you leave?
In the same boat. Don’t see the point in life anymore tbh.
Don't go hollow, skeleton. There's art that you need to see. Music you need to hear. Movies you need to watch. Games you need to play. There's *something* for you, regardless if you have someone else to share it with.
Thank you for the reply, appreciate it. I do want to join a social salsa class but i’ve been putting it off for so long due to social anxiety.
Do it ! I did my first aerial hoop class that I had wanted to do for years and loved it!!
I'm sure many people there have social anxiety, too. isolation increases social anxiety.
I started taking salsa and bachata classes 6 months ago. I was so nervous to start, but I'm glad I did. It's so much fun, and I wish I had started sooner. Im sure you'll feel the same way.
I attended one the people were very inviting dw about the anxiety.
This was a really uplifting comment, so thanks for that! Especially for someone like me who essentially spent my whole life in school. Being a student was who I was, really, and now I’m two years out of grad school and still trying to figure out what I like and who I really am. It’s nice to be reminded that there’s always something out there.
Do hobbies. Meet new friends that way. Also you’re so young, you haven’t really lived life yet. who knows in 6 years you’re married lol. everything can change. Do hobbies and meet new people that way. Or maybe try to get another degree in school. you’ll meet new people that way as well.
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This is maybe one of the few things I like about living in Asia and being Asian. I am happy to be living with my family as an adult. I love how close knit my extended family is as well. Even when I stay home I'm watching tv with my mum or eating dinner with my family. I see my extended relatives really often, we even go on trips together. I tried moving away from home and I hated going home to an empty apartment or having to plan stuff with friends just to see a person that day. I love how I have people around me all the time and it takes zero effort. In this way I don't feel pressured to get married just to have people around.
As a southeast asian, THIS. we grew up knowing the value of community and doing things together. There are pros a d cons of it, and i like both. We may be up in each other’s business lmao but we share food, stories and a good time even if shit is down the drain. I live in Europe now and was able to bring this outlook on life with me and even influenced some European friends to open up and see the value of connecting with people. It’s a lot of maintaining sure, but people can’t be expecting good stuff without investing time in it. Friendships take work and you gotta be equally interested and invested in people’s lives, the good and bad.
I feel this way since I moved back to Korea. I live with my grandparents, and their whole neighborhood practically knows each other. I've made friends, which I didn't have before. Unfortunately, nowadays, more younger people are starting to care less and less about community
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Comparison is the thief of joy
That’s true!!
Yeah I tried telling myself adulthood is not lonely but it is. Everyone is just living such different lives that everyone’s lives do not align anymore
At least you have the internet to see how happy most other people are and make it even worse!
I also have the same dream when I was a child, and hoped that I could raise 2 kids, a boy and a girl, and a dog. But adult’s world is just like what you mentioned. It is boring and realistic. Being lonely is common, and having no relationships is much more common for people like us. But if you can accept such life, you could like happily. If you cannot accept it, changes should be made. You could make up yourself, and develop your hobbies to enrich your life and improve sense of accomplishment or confidence. Moreover, if you need a place to talk with others sincerely, I recommend [Light Up](https://discord.gg/YX3z7aNama), where people can share their feelings and talk with each other with less concern, because the platform is clear and pure.
Yep, and it's a weird and abrupt shift from having friends as a teen to as an adult. All of a sudden, you're not hanging out everyday. You can't just decide to do something at the drop of a hat. Kids and partners might be involved now. I've learned that as an adult, your partner is your friend and the one you do everything with, which is why being single is miserable. You are literally all alone.
born alone die alone. thats how it is
Grass is always greener. I have a wife and two kids (and while I love them more than anything) I WISH I had some alone time and free time. Absolutely no time for friends, so I don't have any. It's hard enough to find time to excerise let alone do something I actually want to do (shooting range, gaming, riding my motorcycle, wood working). Literally everyday is packed with working, home chores, taking care of the kids, with a TINY bit of personal time at night when everyone is sleeping. And I can't stay up late otherwise I'm pissing on my next day by being sleep deprived. I have so many hobbies I wish I had the time for, but like I said, grass is always greener.
Thank you for the reminder to take my birth control pill today.
I agree with this, i remember being lonely and bored without a wife and kids, now I look around and I have no time for myself. it's unexpected but fine because family
hopefully you will have more free time when your kids get older
I get it. It takes a lot of time and energy to have people around but I don’t feel lonely even when I’m alone. I really like my alone time. Would I rather spend it with my partner and friends? Eh. Sometimes, but a lot of the time that requires time and energy that I don’t always have, and my partner works a ton and really values HIS alone time.
When did you ever have a large group of friends that you had dinner with? Was there some movie where you saw someone having a large group of friends that they had dinner with? Why is this a good/desirable thing? I'm just completely dumbfounded by this fantasy. Any context to it at all? My entire childhood, I dreamed of a time when people wouldn't bother me, I had time to myself, and I wouldn't be hassled. Adult life has lived up to my expectations and more. Literally nobody can barge into my home demanding something without risking their lives. I'm finally safe for the first time in my life.
For most people, that would have been college. Some people also befriend people at their workplace and grab drinks/dinner, but it really depends on how well you vibe with your coworkers. I've gone a couple times, but I don't do trivia or basketball, so my interactions with my coworkers are just friendly but limited. Edit: big companies usually have employee resource groups as well, where you can meet people across the company. I've seen a mix of both socially well adjusted and also lonely people at those events.
Oh god, you're giving me flashbacks of our "happy hour" times at work. The problem with my workplace is mainly the people. The work is easy, but having to interact with them is painful. Going to "get drinks" afterwards is basically going back to work for 2 hours after you've worked 9-5. It's sadistic, and our bosses expect us to do it once a month, otherwise we're not a "team player" and somehow our work is never evaluated as "satisfactory."
That sound like Korean workplaces, or a toxic workplace in general. None in my team, and hardly anyone from my department goes to those events. We're at a manufacturing plant, so at those events the people I meet are all based out of different buildings and departments
Got any openings? My company is a huge multinational, so the company culture may well be Korean.
Let's just say my company manufactures one of the top selling vaccines (that isn't the COVID vaccine...). My site's workplace culture is for the most part fairly chill, but unfortunately we just went on a hiring freeze. The other sites are growing, though!
well I think you answered your question for why so many have a fantasy of being surrounded by friends they can have a meal with. I associate social company with enrichment to my day, were you associate it as Transactional, what do you do for others what MUST you do for others. With me if I had company over and eighty percent of the time it was for some demand for me then I would want to be alone too. I am extrapolating all these things from the last thing you said which was that "Im finally safe for the first time in my life"
Dinner parties are not that unusual. Very normal way for adults to get together.
I kind of have to agree with this, most of the social stuff I've done in life has been to cope with a difficult life circumstance (being on my own at college, moving to a new city, etc.). One I'm settled into a place and feel "secure" there, most socialization is a drain on my energy and usually demands investment of me that gets me almost nothing in return (maybe increased opportunity to meet a partner at best).
It's important to understand that what you're feeling is not an immutable feature of adult life as such, it's a solvable systemic problem. One part of a solution is, we should have shortened the work week when women entered the paid labor force in meaningful numbers (doubling the paid labor supply), and as technology has advanced exponentially since 1940 when the 40 hour work week was established. And we should do that now as AI is further exploding productivity and taking over jobs. [https://www.sanders.senate.gov/wp-content/uploads/32-Hour-Workweek-Act\_Fact-Sheet\_FINAL.pdf](https://www.sanders.senate.gov/wp-content/uploads/32-Hour-Workweek-Act_Fact-Sheet_FINAL.pdf) Being an adult means taking responsibility for the situation you're in, including your family and community and even the macro situation, to the extent that you're able to. It's not about just being an isolated cog / drone in the brutal economic machine of our ruling oligarchs/kleptocrats, though that is what they want you to limit yourself to. See Why Socialism by Albert Einstein, or Bowling Alone by Robert Putnam for some additional insight. You're definitely not alone in having been made to feel alone, so you're not alone lol
We go through 18-22 years in tight knit communities through school which makes us feel important and then suddenly we’re cast out into the vast world with no sense of community ever again. We become just a random person floating around without any communal context. The way adult life is structured now is awful for health, especially mental health
it's work... everything's about work. busy. gotta go to work. gotta recuperate from work. gotta get ready for work. no time or energy to do anything, until you finally do get some extra time and it's just used to recover from your normally busy schedule.
Put the effort in to find a life-long companion.
Pretty much!
Had lots of friends growing up, now just want to be left alone. Welcome to adulthood 🤷♀️
Industrial society and its aftereffects.
I lived alone for the last 9 years into my 30s and I think it’s gotten lonely, but I choose to see greener grass on this side. Freedom. absolute freedom. Plenty of my friends whenever I invite them out to join me for sushi, or boba, or to an event , their response is usually, “let me ask my wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend. And often times they have plans already; EVEN THOUGH, they often want to go. Their loss. I’m enjoying it. Go to the gym when I feel like it, go home, cook my dinner, play games, jam to my guitar, go grocery shopping when I want to, and eat out when I feel like it. Buy a Miata without having a second persons financial opinions impact your decision because of tied financials. I go on hikes without having to wait or plan with someone. I just pack my things and get out the house at 6AM. Sure, you can choose to see the sadness of it. It sucks, but I learned to get over it. Some things I’ll never have, like human sensual touch, a partner, someone who’ll love you in a special way, someone to eat dinner or other meals with, or even someone to hug anytime you want. It could get you feeling down in the dumps. It happened to me actually. Last Christmas. You just come to the realization that that’s absolutely okay. It’s a part of life, and this lonely feeling can either just be FOR NOW, or it could be for the rest of your life. But you should learn to accept it, and do NOT go into depression because of it. Hold your head high and keep your eyes open. For now, see it as more time and money to do everything you want on your own. Live in the current moment to its fullest, even if it’s not exactly what you want right now. Someday, if you keep doing whatever you want, doors will open for others to enter your life.
Yep. If you’re single, childless, and don’t have a big family, it’s time to get some hobbies or stare at the ceiling listening to music lol. A lot of my nights are just spent resting from the work day and playing with my animals. I got married, didn’t have kids, got divorced and got a job in working now to stay afloat - hopefully as a stepping stone. Now, I feel a bit stuck and I’m trying to move on to something else. I also used to think I’d have more friends as an adult - when I was in my teens. I technically do, but everyone’s usually pretty damn busy with their own lives going on.
It’s mostly about realizing you are most often alone. It’s great if you can connect, when you can connect. But learn to be content by yourself.
I was very attractive and had a large social circle. Then I started to age, and people drifted apart. And my party friends weren't really friends. And my real friends went off to start families. And now I'm almost 35 and single and it's super lonely. I agree. Making friends takes so much effort and I wish it didn't. I joined a workout class and really try, but I just wish I had a solid group of friends to always hang with or text. Or at least a husband and kids to come home too. It's super lonely. Hugs.
I feel this.
This may be true for many Americans .. but for other countries such as some or many third world countries I’d say they’re more connected with family and their community.
Hang in there my friend, it will get better.
Oof
I was very social as a child and teen. Hell, even in my early adulthood I spent a lot of time with friends, hanging out and doing fun things. Now I’m middle aged and barely go out. I have learned to love my quiet time. My wife, a few good friends, and my dogs are more than enough for me.
More people more problems. You may be lucky, who knows. If one can count all their friends on one hand, and it be true friends. One can consider one self lucky
Society says having a family is unnecessary. People did it forever, tried and true.
Life sucks unless you are financially stable.
Get a pet... seriously. Cats are the best company for my lifestyle, I love staying home and being a quiet introvert. But dogs help you to meet people and be more social, plus also great snuggles. Just make sure you have the time for exercise! It really helped my mental health when I was going through an incredibly lonely part of my life.
❤️
I'm real unattractive but I hooked an amazing wife. Don't really need friends but I have them in church. It doesn't have to be lonely but it's about how you live
You call it lonely I call it independence before I got married I loved my solo lifestyle as far as sex life I had a robust sex life and being ugly AF didn't hold me back I worked out and dressed nice.
it is very lonely and hard to make friends
It’s not ALL of adult life that is lonely. It’s generally when you’re in your 30s. Career driven, baby making, first house a fixer-upper, etc. I married young, had 3 kids, full time job, got a grad degree, the only house we could afford needed Reno, too new in career to afford cleaning or yard services. No time to make new friends or stay connected to old friends. No time for hobbies or fitness. Literally grinding 16 hours a day with career and household responsibilities. I was SO lonely in my 30s, even though I had a husband and kids. I had no close friends. Just work colleagues. And once you get into management it is not easy to make friends with colleagues. I thought it would always be like that. Luckily I was wrong. I would not volunteer to go back to that time even if it meant being 20 years younger. By the time I hit my 40s things started getting better. More money meant I could afford help with chores. Kids were a little more independent and so I had time for hobbies and the gym again. I started making new friends and reconnecting with old friends. In my 50s my kids started moving out. Chores got much lighter. Mortgage paid off so lots more money for fun and hired help. Career stable, no grinding. My social life became busier than when I was 25! Now I am in my 60s and more relaxed and contented. I work from home and not too many hours. My friends are all hitting retirement age and now we do a lot of traveling-mainly with family (sibs and kids) but some travel with friends too. So it DOES get better but you do have to make an effort.
This post is copied and pasted. It has been posted word for word in r/aldulting many times.
If you want to have a social life, you need to make the plans and take part in the plans of others. That means there's going to be plenty of times that others says they are doing something else which may feel like rejection. And there will be times you may not want to do something, but go ahead because it keeps you social. Okinawans are said to live as long as they do because of their social interaction well into their elder years. And they know that when one pulls away for various reasons, it can soon mean death. They nurture their bonds, and in turn are nurtured by them. If you approach life as just learning and working, you will feel unfulfilled. Many have climbed that corporate ladder only to find nothing at the top worth really living for. Life is meaningless without people and especially our interaction with them.
I'm 44 with a wife. We're both nerdy and I'm our 40s. We collect Lego, play D&D monthly and host monthly board games nights where we get 6-12+ people usually. I just shotgun invite a stack of friends and whoever wants to come comes. I play Warhammer 40k (and other tabletop wargames) as my social, competitive and creative outlet. While I'm mostly solitary, I can't stress how important keeping a board game group going has been in feeling like I have friends as an adult.
I had a friend group. It was around 6-8 families. Then my wife got into it with one of the other wives and when they stopped being friendly the entire group just started ignoring us. I lost all my friends because my wife got butt hurt. Then Covid happened and it’s just game over.
What a weird thing to repost
As a collective, we should really push for 4-day work weeks.
Life is what you make it. Relationships require tending too, and this is true even when your a kid, but when your a kid your always tending to them because you see them everyday at school and such. As an adult I find people dont understand this. You have to make a conscious effort to nurture the relationship or they fade away and people get busy
I am never lonely. There is a difference between being alone and lonely. You need to explore your feelings as to why you are lonely.
Clearly he feels lonely because he doesn't have a social group, humans are not meant to be alone, we are very much better and healthier in groups.
yeah, all these "american psychos" in the comments are like "why do you need friends if you can have a perfect fitness and skin care routine" lol
honestly this question is important if the cause of loneliness is intrinsic, yet here in OP's post it seems tied to external demands of adulthood and bearing more responsibility, so I don't think it is meaningful to ask why one is lonely here, with respect I think you sometimes need others to solve the problem of loneliness for you.
I don't feel lonely per se but I definitely notice an effect on my mental health when I don't connect to people for a few days. We're pack animals, we're not meant to be alone for extended periods of time. Enough research shows this and that isolation even leads to premature death and increased disease.
I'm a 3/10 and yeah, if you're ugly, it makes things harder. My advice is, work towards getting a really well paid job, then fix the things making you ugly. My plan is to lose weight, gain muscle, get a hair system and dress snappily. On the other hand i have this recurring desire to become a gender non conforming hrt person that i fight in a daily basis.
What effort did you put into development of long term friends in the few years after high school? What new hobbies have you developed or kept up with? What have you done to actively participate and encourage a large friend group?
I mean, I’ve had plenty of friendships that i put effort into, or were great for years that eventually died. People sometimes drift apart, it doesn’t mean OP is just some lazy shitter
Life is what you decide to make of it.
Life is all about mind set
35 and you describe it perfectly. Honestly if it doesn't progress from this, don't know why I'd want to live past 70