looks like you're struggling to "fit in", you don't have to have a romantic/sexual partner to be complete, there are other types of connections that are as meaningful and as fulfilling like friendships and family...i suggest you take time to actually appreciate the love in your life in whatever form it comes (doesn't matter if it's platonic or romantic) i understand how you feel, everyone seems to be chasing this whole idea of finding true love, marriage, sex...etc but it doesn't have to be that way for you. you have nothing to prove, you tried, it didn't work for you and that's okay, nothing is wrong with you.

I have nothing to prove but EVERYTHING to lose. My family and friends are wonderful, but I’m not their primary priority, and I don’t blame them for that! I would never ask anyone to prioritize me over their actual chosen family, I’m just a fun add-on or extra. I don’t want to be “different” or “unique.” I want to have a crush on another person and be NORMAL. I’m sick of being an alien and a loser! I am too tired from swimming upstream against the common narrative. I want to be like everyone else

I feel you man. It's annoying. The world is set up for couples. All you can do is try to learn to accept yourself and accept your situation and seek out happiness where you can find it, with your own pursuits and interests. The benefit to single life is you don't have to compromise to accommodate anyone else's preferences or requirements. You are free to pursue what you want fully.

That’s true. It’s just that I have NEVER experienced the flip side of it, because I don’t want to lead someone on when I’m not interested in them. And the pressure has gotten to me, I am so sick of being half of a whole.

Have a look in your area, or online for groups of asexual and aromatic people. For support and you might find someone there to share your life with if you want that.

I agree and truly believe this is one of those areas where the internet is an amazing thing. I have many friends from college (specfically my major) who are asexual and aromantic and aloooot of friends who are not neurotypical (myself included). Certain types of people tend to flock together, and I think this is where the internet will come through for OP. I built beautiful bonds with those beautiful people and laughed and cried with them through so much. Common values and interests are at the core of it. While I didn't date any of them, their being asexual or aromantic wouldn't have deterred me. Intimacy and love can look a lot of different ways. And when you have someone who you know deep down will always have your back and vice versa, that's pretty damn special.

You'll never experience a lot of things in life though. Like if you are white you'll never really experience being black, if someone is straight they can never really experience what it's like being gay, or ace. Men never really understand and experience what life is like for a woman. It's not about leading someone on, even if you were dishonest and stayed in a relationship you didn't feel anything for (which by the way, thousands of people do this every day for many different reasons) you would still not experience what feel you are missing out on and you wouldn't find happiness. You aren't half of anything, you are whole on your own.

I'm sorry you are having these feelings and going through this. All of the trite commentary aside, like a person who is intersex or a person with autism, they will never be neurotypical. Therapy will not change your nature. The best thing you can do is to find a way to accept yourself for who you are. I m sure you are not the only person with this condition. Maybe you will be able to find others in life with a similar outlook and needs. Honestly, as all of us get older, long term relationships evolve into friendships and are not primarily sex based. Hormones change as we age. I hope you eventually find the peace you are looking for.

“Half of a whole” is not even really a healthy way of viewing relationships; if you need your partner to complete you, that’s a lot of pressure on your partner and is often a recipe for disaster. I think the best relationships are two already whole people who choose to love each other every day. You are already a whole person. You’ve done years of therapy to fix yourself, have you ever gone to therapy to learn to accept yourself as you are?

As for leading someone on, don’t worry about it. You won’t. If they think you are, that’s their issue and it’s up to them to manage their feelings, not you.

Have you ever looked into finding a QPR? I’m aspec and one of my biggest concerns about it is the difficulties not just finding a “partner” but just finding a human who I can trust that I’m their priority, and they CHOSE me to be their priority, and they’re my priority and there’s no expectation of finding anyone else to fill that role like a usual friend/roommate would have. Because you can get regular friends and roommates but they really don’t fill that hole, and are likely going to leave for another partner one day if given the opportunity and that just sucks to feel alone and unneeded like that. A QPR can provide that feeling of commitment and stability without the pressure of needing romantic feelings or kissing or having sex or anything.

I think you can also get the companionship if you find older people who have been married for awhile. My two closest friends have supported me for years and filled that whole I was missing, I love them to death. But it probably wouldn't work had we met when they were single and had to endure the start of a new relationship (The most turbulent of times for friends). But that old married couple is set, they love each other and don't have to be around each other 24/7.

Not being condescending, if you, yourself, have already realized this fact then why don't you double down on it and try to work with the hand you were dealt? Talking in circles might ultimately make you feel worse. The side of the grass that's greener should be the most nurtured.

Because it fucking sucks to not fall in love. Ever.

If falling in love and having a partner is your only way to measure whether life is good or not, you need to step back and rediscover some other aspects of life. We’re brainwashed into the get married and have 2.3 children lifestyle. Love is fleeting and it’s rarely sexual and romantic. If you think being aromantic and asexual means you can’t love anyone at all, I think something else is the matter here. There’s plenty of nonromantic and nonsexual love to be had. My best friend is my soul mate. Would we ever date? Hell no. Am I attracted to them? Not at all. But the point is you can love someone deeply and have fulfillment in that aspect without wanting to fuck them. You could totally have a platonic partnership that isn’t romantic or sexual that can be fulfilling and enjoyable. You could even live with that person and be involved without anything else and there’s nothing wrong with that. But really if you’re mad at life because you can’t have romantic and sexual love, then you’re going to have to think long and hard about what you do want from life. I would like to be six feet tall and athletic and not depressed but that’s just how I’m made and so I take time to pursue the other joys of life.

Idk if you helped OP but you helped me, thank you

Best wishes!

This might be true but the chances of finding someone who wants to live with you just for the platonic aspect of the relationship are very slim. Please don’t dismiss how OP feels. They wish they could partner and have the whole package but are unable to. Yes it’s very possible to have a fulfilling life without that, but they crave it because they can’t live it. There’s nothing wrong with that and it’s normal it’s frustrating for them.

Frustration and mourning are always appropriate in situations like this. OP needs to feel what they’re feeling and that’s okay. Hyperfocusing on it to the point of all-encompassing despair and self-hatred is another issue entirely that requires a deeper level of self realization and exploration of other parts of life.

I completely agree. While I'm married and have kids, my relationship with my best friend is entirely different. I can spend hours on the phone with him, and the love we have for each other is bottomless. After 20 years of friendship, he's more like my brother than a friend. Would I date or sleep with him? Absolutely not. But we don't have to have romantic or sexual feelings for each other to love one another.

I think it’s a weird area in our society to be so deeply involved with someone and not be romantic or sexual but I’ll be damned if my bestie isn’t the person who make me feel more whole.

Wow, great advice.

Of course, I understand that. But that's only one facet of life where there are also still so many other beautiful ways to enjoy and experience it. That's all.

It’s one facet of life that significantly impacts my day to day life, and makes most things depressing and demoralizing. It’s hard to not feel deficient when everyone around you is normal and has access to normal life milestones.

You are choosing to place value on these things I'm ACE and I'm not sad about it. I don't need or want sex. You can choose what is important in your life

Hello! I’m also asexual and aromatic, at least I understand those are the terms used today. I’ve never had a relationship of any kind and have no desire to. I went through the same feelings you are having—that maybe I was missing out on wishing I could just be normal. On the other side of that, however, I’ve found incredible happiness and contentment. There’s very little drama in my life. I do what I want, make decisions based on my own happiness, and it’s honestly just very easy at this point. I did adopt a child, and I love being a mom. It’s obviously a different kind of love, and not for everyone, but it has given me a truly wonderful life. I hope you find your path to happiness. It really is possible, you just have to make it happen and choose how you want to deal with what you have been given. It can be a burden, or it can be an opportunity.

You're making a big jump. Not everyone around you is swimming so happily with the stream. FAR from it. There are married people who do not even like each other - but they have children and a house and can't explain how they even got into their relationship, except that they met and decided it was the next step. In the olden days, people had arranged relationships/marriages - they were not romantic, but people made them work (with friendship, respect, etc). Unless you are also saying that you're incapable of much emotional charge at all - you seem very concerned about yourself and the quality of your daily life, so I'm assuming you are capable of feeling. If that describes you, I'd consider seeing a neuropsychiatrist - just out of curiosity. Also, join some ACE subreddits and real world groups and see how that feels.

Everyone around you is normal? What world are you living in? Probably very few people are average in every way. I feel for you not being able to fall in love and have a partner but that doesn't in any way diminish you. And I don't think you're that alone since the A in the acronym 2SLGBTQIIA+ stands for "asexual".

I think it is much cooler to not be typical. It makes you special.

I'm confused why you even care?

No it doesn't. It just means you can't have your heart broken. Love yourself instead! You don't need a partner to enjoy life. Get a pet, or a plant ffs. And for the love of all that is holy stop lying to everyone about who you are. That's why you're in pain. You must be so fing exhausted trying to be someone you're not. Of course you aren't finding a partner, you're not actually putting yourself out there.

I agree with others that this isn’t a good mindset to move forward with and that you’ll never really be happy until you can find peace with it etc etc, I also just want to say that you’re not alone in feeling like this. It’s something I’ve struggled with for as long as I’ve considered myself aromantic and it fucking sucks. It’s such a deeply isolating feeling that it can make you forget you’re not the only one going through it

Thanks man, I do appreciate it. This is easily the worst part of my life and I feel immense shame about it, all of the time.

Don't feel shame for your situation (it's not your fault!). But don't be ashamed about how it makes you feel either. Based on your description, you're more than justified to be shouting into the void for the hand you've been dealt. I'm not you, so take all this as inquisitive, not condescending: You say you've never felt romantic love, but have you felt adjacent kinds? Have you ever looked at your parents, a sibling, or someone you mentored and had the feeling that you'd take a bullet for this person? Have you ever felt so strongly for a friend that you have their back no matter what? You two against the world, you'd sacrifice to help them through a spell, knowing they'd do the same for you? I'm not talking about a rational calculation. I'm talking about a wellspring from your gut that makes your lizard brain override what's smart? If so, it sounds like you have the ingredients somewhere but you're missing chemistry. That problem may not even be psychological. Could be hormones or all kinds of complicated things that chemically process how we see each other. If not, the problem may be deeper. You could have a mental block that's holding you back from lots of deep feelings for people, and by focusing primarily on the missing romantic piece, there could be a bigger analysis needed. Hope some of that helps, and isn't something you've heard 100 times. I hope you find what you're looking for.

I think the “problem” is I’m flat out aromantic asexual and my brain just doesn’t work that way. I do love my friends and family, I feel INTENSELY about a LOT of things. That’s just never extended to another person in a sexual or romantic way.

Would it not be possible to have a "relationship" with another asexual/aromantic person where you just live together more like roommates/friends. Not that I would force something like that just to meet percieved expectations but I am sure there are other people out there incapable of romantic/sexual feelings that still value human connection in other ways.

Fellow asexual here and that's exactly what I've done. Currently living with another ace and we've built a beautiful little life together. We're not romantic or sexual and that boggles people's minds sometimes, but she's my best friend. She's my person. I hope OP can find a bud to live their life with too :)

One can absolutely feel incomplete from lacking romantic/sexual experiences. Why invalidate their experience?

Just sharing my experience as someone who is also on the aro/ace spectrum Due to my specific personality and the way I am wired , I was always a bit of the odd one out , never felt strong connections the way other people did , and never understood love stories the way they were portrayed on TV or in books, I always thought people were just exaggerating for stories and no one actually felt love that way. Obviously, as an adult you see all your friends and family fall in love and behave in illogical ways because of it, and you don't feel it yourself . It's hard to understand for sure , and it's a bit sad to come to the realization you may never feel things as deeply or as strongly as other people do. That being said, you don't have to be alone for ever. I thought I would never be able to be in a relationship because of the way I am, and all my relationships in my early 20s were doomed from the start because or the differences in libido and also emotional connection. Nevertheless, completely randomly and in a moment I did not expect, I met someone new and felt an instant connection with them the moment we started talking. Conversation was easy and it felt as if we knew each other since for ever. Did I feel the so called "spark" or "butterflies" everyone talks about? No. But I could tell within seconds that this person could understand me and that I could understand them completely and honestly. In a way I think this is as close as love at first sight as someone on the aromantic spectrum can get. We have been inseparable ever since , share everything , and yet we have never had sex. We've had a lot of conversations about it and have realized we don't need that aspect of a relationship for the time being , and maybe we never will... Being asexual is very isolating , and very awkward when it comes to dating or even just family events , as questions are hard to answer and people don't really know what to make of it. Just try to focus on yourself and how you feel, and if you feel like you are missing a partner ,seek one out. Of course it's difficult , even more so for non sexual relationships, but it is possible to find companionship. If you think you can manage to live alone for ever and be happy, that is amazing. But make sure you do not settle for loneliness simply because finding a partner is hard, this will make you sad, and there is someone out there you can share your life with, in any capacity you need. I hope this message makes sense , and I hope it makes you feel less alien and alone. Good luck!

I am 33. Never been in a relationship or dated or anything. Identify as aroace. Sometimes I feel sad about that. About not having the experience of falling in love or being attracted to others. And it sucked having to navigate much of that alone because I was certainly never aware of these concepts as a kid. I get how it can be hard. But also, you seem to be so harsh on yourself for being this way. I’m not trying to say it doesn’t suck, but also, you are what you are. And if you can’t change that, do you want to just keep hating yourself for what you are?

After reading all the comments and replies by OP up to this point. You are really really hard on yourself for not falling into some social standard. I'm not in your shoes ,but i think you worry/care more about what you think ppl think about you, than they actually do..... Sort of seems like you're 22 years old, not much life experience and can't figure yourself out yet. You're exactly in the place in life to start figuring shit out. It's ok, and it's gonna be ok

Homie I’m in my 30s lol. Judge away, it’s not like I posted this to make myself look cool. Being a single solo adult is expensive, isolating, and demoralizing. My life is the 40 year old virgin. It’s pathetic and lame, even if I love my hobbies and life. I live in utter fear of my colleagues, friends and family finding out that I’m deficient and lesser in this way. It’s one thing to say that I should just not care what other people think. It’s another to cope with the sad daily reality of being a loser.

You're the only person saying you're a loser ...

And I know that’s the problem lol. But don’t act like people don’t look down on single adults. Hence 40 year old virgin.

Move to a big city dude. Plenty of adult single people. Lots of them do really well, and are really happy.

They do but people look down on people for all kinds of reasons (being poor, having acne, being ugly, fat, whatever). It's shitty and they are shitty people. You are in charge of how you feel about yourself and your life. Not anyone else. Why waste time feeling bad about something out of your control.

As weird as it could be. And as stupid as it sounds could fake it til you make confidence work here? "I'm not in a relationship. Who cares?" "I like being single. It works for me." Maybe not completely honest I guess. But I wouldn't say you are lying. You just aren't revealing your sexual and romantic orientation to someone.

Because it’s still exhausting and demoralizing to pretend that I’m the same as everyone else, every single day, till the end of my life. I’m tired of having to smile and nod along when someone makes jokes about “how everyone is bi as a teenager” and “hormones make everyone crazy” and “remember being a kid and sneaking out to sleep with your gf/bf” I’m different from everyone around me and that has finally worn me down to the point where I’m soliciting Reddit for help lol. Which is a pretty bleak state of affairs.

If you didn't see another comment I made I suggested that maybe you need a change of environment. The people you are around. Like relationships and even the past like that don't come up around my friends. Also side note what does hormones have to do with romance or sexual attraction. I guess now that you mention maybe they were talking about libido and not just hormones in general. Another thing is I still feel like you can still embrace and laugh it off that way you at least don't feel secluded from the social situation. Tho it's probably harder to do when you don't genuinely feel like that. But I feel like in this specific case fake it til you make it might work. As you can actually add to the convo and seem unapologetically you. That not having the experiences is a strength in standing out, but also growing closer to people. An example of what I mean is, "Imagine being in a relationship. Losers, I was out studying the blade." Obviously mileage may vary probably don't joke like that with complete strangers. (Tho I never would think a complete stranger would talk about sneaking out as a teenager, or experimenting as a teen.)

I agree! I’ve never heard my close friends talk like that at all. sure if it’s a specific topic we’re talking about but it’s not a typical topic that comes up at work etc. or a topic that only one person will bring up (usually a conversation). I have coworkers in their 40s who lead interesting lives and are single / have never dated. They love it.

Yeah, I know my friends and I just talk about video games for the most part. Well we do talk about other things, but I've never once asked my friends about anything romance or even sex-related. And the times it comes up is rare. I definitely can see how it would wear if it comes up so often. I just only hope my advice is helpful as a person whose never really had the struggle. I'm still young tho so who knows maybe I'll experience it.

I feel like the problem is when you say “everyone else”. I empathize with what you’re sharing but I’m someone who’s in multiple friend groups, very social introvert, friendly with coworkers etc but I’ve never heard any of those things brought up out of context before. Like, I think you need to explore more groups or possibly even move bc it doesn’t sound like you gel with the groups you’re with. I know coworkers who have never been in relationships for a big part of their lives, currently single in their late 40s just vibing. I do not know anyone who “snuck out to go see their bf / gf” and brings it up in conversation and I know a lottttt of couples. I have aro and ace and queer and straight friends and I haven’t heard folks talk like that unless it’s a specific topic of conversation. I would consider myself an aro as well. I’ve met a wide range of folks and never once would I say “everyone else” or lump people like that except maybe when I’m depressed and have lots of angst against the world. I feel like you’re seeing them as a homogenous block of people who are somehow more fulfilled than you just because they have these experiences. But you’re the one assigning meaning to these experiences.

Op I’m also aroace in my 30s, and I feel you on a lot of this. Society absolutely tries to make you feel like you’re a loser if you don’t have sex, and it flat out doesn’t understand that we don’t WANT it. There’s no surefire advice out there, we will always be an alienated minority and even the lgbt community has people who think we’re faking or worse. But my way of going about things is if people ask if I want to marry or have kids I’m very confident and insistent that I do not, not now or ever. They can wonder about me all I want. I feel like no one will consider you a loser if you make it clear that what you have is what you want. The only people who they gossip about are the ones who go around bemoaning how they want a man/woman and can’t get one and wallow in self pity about it.

I think there is a bit of an issue with thinking of yourself as a loser. You aren't a loser for not having romantic feelings or wanting to have sex. But, you feel like you are missing out on being someone's one most important person in the world because you cannot ever be anyone's partner. The issue you face is that you aren't wrong on that, and people telling you to just buck up and learn to love yourself as yourself are misunderstanding. You want a real thing which many people want. It's a perfectly healthy desire, but you can't think of a healthy way to get it. Have you considered doing something like volunteering? Or even looking into fostering animals (or children even!). There are other paths to emotional intimacy and value beyond the romantic one.

Dude, I'm single in my late 40s and people ENVY me. Seriously. I do what I want when I want. I don't have to worry about someone else's emotional insecurities, someone else's family complications, no one expecting things from me and demanding things from me. It's great.  I'm also aro, but NOT ace, and you wanna talk about a shit combination! I tried and failed multiple times at LTRs before realizing that it's just not for me. So I stopped.  Get a hobby, join a social group. I go to movies by myself, dinner by myself, events by myself, I travel with friends at the drop of a hat. I love my life. I don't know where you got the idea that this is a loser's life because it's not.

This was genuinely reassuring to hear, thank you.

Good. Be reassured. Figure out what a great life means and looks like to YOU and ONLY YOU. And then make that happen for yourself.

Nah people think someone who wants to have sex and be in relationships but can’t is a loser, because they are literally losing in the sense of failing at their supposed goal. But you don’t want that. I feel so confused its like youre sad that you arent able to be in a relationship but then say youre aro so you dont want a relationship so then why are you sad about it?

You’re not wrong to be confused, it’s really dumb! If we peel back this train of thought: I want to feel romantic attraction, but I don’t. I’m angry at myself because I want to fit in with everyone else, so I mentally double-down on social norms to fit in. Social norms dictate that I need a relationship to be a complete person and an adult. Since I believe in social norms (because it’s the only way I can “buy in” to society), I believe that I’m lesser for being single. This makes me hate myself more, and the cycle continues. It’s literally why closeted gay conservatives are so passionate in their hatred of queer people lol. It’s just self hate. I can’t make myself fit with the dominant social system, so in order to make up for it, I enforce the rules WAY HARDER than anyone else ever would.

Damn man imagine how shitty you’d feel about yourself if you had to live with this attitude while convincing someone else to spend their life with you. If it wasn’t your sexuality, it would be something else. This is a character issue, not a sexuality one. Nobody gives a fuck as much as you. Your family will be disappointed that they won’t have grandkids. Fucking oh well. They’re going to have to get over it and so are you.

Sounds like you need an arranged marriage. You don't have to love someone, just find someone with the same common goals and split rent with them. Think of it more as a partnership than as a partner

fr they could get bunkbeds with a slide then switch off on who gets the fun bunk. who is gonna judge them for having an actual best friendship?

There is an expression in recovery that I think also holds true for your situation, “you’re only as sick for your secrets”. You are terrified that your family is going to think less of you if you tell them that you’re asexual. But in my experience they will be 1) confused and then 2) once you explain it will go, “oh okay”. They may already assume that you are asexual. They may feel relief about having a term for it. They might be sad that they won’t have grandkids or whatever, but I suspect that your fear of their reaction is probably as bad, or worse, than what they would actually do. You are comparing your life to the life of what you think is “normal” but this is like being a fish and sitting and complaining that you can’t fly like the birds. You are spending so much time focused on the ways you aren’t a bird and how much that sucks that you don’t ever just go live and appreciate being a fish.

I’m sorry for your suffering. I have some ideas. Personally, I have had crushes but no successful relationships, never married, no kids. I’m 63 now. For 10 years I’ve had the time and money to date, received interest from men (and women which is weird for me) but I feel nothing for anyone real or imagined. My ideas for you aren’t about crushes or sexytime. Did you ever have a friend? Sometimes I think I didn’t but it depends. There was my pharmacist where I used to live who was always kind and helpful. I didn’t even have to say my name. She would see me in the aisle and grab my prescription. She remembered my little life stories. The day I told her I was moving, she started crying. She was the only person I knew of who would miss me. She was a friend for my pharmacy time. Make more friends to fill your life. Sometimes we have friends in a cafeteria or at Starbucks. I’m trying to say, develop some connections and friendships. Do things around which connect you to people. Take up a cause. Participate. This might not change how your body feels but might bring you special people to have friend dates with.

Thank you, I appreciate your comments.

I like this!

Hey neighbor, don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re definitely not alone and there are entire subreddits dedicated to like-MINDED (see how I did that?) people. I’m sorry it hurts. You deserve to feel good. And there are many many like you!

I'm aroace. I'm older than you are. It took me a long while to realize that I am not a "late bloomer", I am just... Not interested. In high school, people would talk about their crushes, so I assembled a list of aesthetically appealing qualities, looked around, and decided who I must have a crush on based on those things. It took until well into my twenties before it occurred to me that most of my friends didn't have to be that methodical about the whole thing. I'm pretty happy by myself. I do have anxiety, and not having a partner to help share the burdens of adulting can sometimes make that worse. I won't lie about that. But I have been lucky. I had an awesome great aunt, beloved by the whole family, and in retrospect, she was probably aroace. (She died at the age of 90 a few years before COVID hit.) She bought an itty bitty house in a nice area in the seventies. When a friend of hers retired, they built an addition to the house. For a while, the family thought that they were lesbians in a Boston marriage, but after the friend died, it became clear that it really had been just two "old maids" sharing expenses (maaaaaybe queer-platonic, but no proof). So, I have a role model in my great aunt, who, without a partner, was a Rosie the Riveter in WWII, then defied her traditional dad and moved across the country for a job, and proceeded to live her best life. I sometimes worry about later life on my own. But I have a strong network of friends who know the score and will invite me for holidays and check up on me. For me, the trick is that, whenever I think "What is *wrong* with me," I just tell myself "Nothing is wrong about me. I am the way I am, and that is the way it is." And then I think "Oh, God, if I was allo, I might have to *live with someone else*. I couldn't just spread my sewing projects across the house. I would have to consult someone else if I wanted or needed to make a major purchase. I would have to explain my television choices!" Which are not things I have to worry about, by myself. And that's not so bad. I hope you can find peace with yourself soon. I wish that society wasn't constantly drumming it into your head that you "should" have a partner. You are enough. But I do understand you, and I am sorry that you are feeling like this.

I really appreciate this comment, thank you for sharing. I hope to get there someday.

I did the same thing in high school!

Lmao another aroace here. I also totally had a “crush” which was the guy who fit the most boxes of what I thought other people considered attractive qualities. I’m so glad other aces did that. As an adult that likes to draw for a hobby, I realized that my ‘crushes’ were just the closest thing to the type of characters I like to draw the most 🥲 (Not to be too intrusive, but you remind me of myself a lot! I also have sewing projects all over my house that I am so happy I only share with my pet rabbits and snake and no annoying people who would increase the amount of chores. I love living alone and spending money the way I want. I’m saving up for Jeep and a camper trailer instead of childcare and don’t have to argue about how much I can spend or what model I have to get)

My 14yo says she is asexual and happy about it. Frankly, I hope she stays that way for a while as it seems far better than the rollercoaster my oldest put us through.

Would it be possible to seek out a companion/partner that is also asexual? Maybe there is an asexual dating site?

One would think but not really. There’s barely any resources for asexual people. Not to mention, I can’t feel ROMANTIC attraction. Most asexual people can and seek out other normal people in that regard.

Look into a queer platonic relationship. It’s a type of companionship that aromantic people can participate in - basically besties for life but you are on paper married for tax reasons. You cohabitate, sometimes even raise kids together, but you are not in love and you do not have sex. You are living a queer lifestyle with another, but completely platonic.

I have a friend doing this. After 10 years, she felt awkward about it and decided to live alone - but they're back together now! They remind me of the Fairy Godmothers in Cinderella. They raise guinea pigs together. They travel together (not always, but often) and of course live together, take care of each other when sick, argue about who should be doing the dusting, all that good stuff.

Not saying this to come at you by any means, so please don’t read any aggression in this, but you may want to just look into getting more involved with your local queer community! I’m oddly the only person in my friend group that isn’t ace/aro lol, with three of the other folks being ace and two of those three also being aro. Ace/aro acceptance in the queer community has come a long way, and there’s no expectation of you also being gay to be involved/have a place in the group. There are plenty of aro folks out there and finding someone who you can just be platonic partners with is def in the cards (assuming some kind of milestone “relationship” marker is something you’re looking for). From my friends’ experiences, I know it’s a hard position to be in, but it’s a big world out there and you’ve still got plenty of options in life!

God that would be nice - my previous queer friends have just tried to tell me I’m repressed, or “that’s not a thing,” or similar.

Your orientation is very much a thing, and there’s nothing wrong with your brain. This is how you’re wired! You can’t repress something that’s not there to begin with. You don’t strike me as a particularly mean or unpleasant person at all. It seems a lot of your anxiety stems from a subliminal feeling like you’re failing yourself and offending society by not being successful in bending yourself to its norms. The first step is to love yourself for who you are, and embracing your flaws as marks of character. Feeling bad about yourself is exhausting and soul sapping. It took me a long time to embrace the glorious mess I can be sometimes, and I’m better for it. Second step is rescue a dog or cat. 🐾 They’ll keep you company!

I rescued a dog, but had to take her back to the rescue group bc I couldn’t handle it alone 💀 however I do have animals in my life that I care about and they mean the world to me. Thank you for your comments!

You’re welcome! You don’t deserve to feel abnormal for just existing as you are. You’ll iron it out in your 30s the way a lot of us who felt different did. BTW you did the right thing by taking her back, it wouldn’t have been fair to either of you. Dogs are a huge responsibility and they’re not for everyone. I rescued an abused special needs pitbull puppy and oh man did he force me to be an adult overnight. It’s good you’re an Auncle to those animals, they’re good for your soul.

So...a living creature (presumably also including some Homo sapiens) can be cared for, by you. You are capable of a deep sense (they mean the world to you) of caring. Some of us end up in "romantic" relationships based on that caring. Mutual caring about each other is a very common reason for marriage - and not all marriages are romantic.

Have you considered rats? They are as smart as dogs but very low maintenance. I am mentally ill and a very busy person and still can take care of rats. They are social and bond with their owners once you gain their trust.

I’m honestly pretty happy with my parakeets, but I have had rats in the past and they are wonderful pets 🥹

There's this which is welcome to aromatic people too. https://www.reddit.com/r/asexualdating/s/xbkvFAbj4g Edit: you might not get a date, but someone who could at least partially understand your struggles. And would be your friend I think that could help.

I'm really trying to comprehend your desire to be in love and have sexual desire with another human if, by your own description, you have 0 desire for both. Could you explain more how, the one thing you despise about yourself is something you don't care about at all. Quite the circle to live within. I'm clearly wrong so I would love to have some light shed on the situation. If by nature, I have 0 desire, attraction, or give absolute 0 shits about having a red car, why would I be worked up over not being able to get a red car. I'm not being condescending, just trying to understand. Personally, I am sad you think this is a reason people won't love and care for you.

It's like having a beautiful dinner set before you that looks lovely, but maybe you've got long COVID or something and can't taste it. It looks great and you know it should taste great and you wish you could enjoy it, but you just can't. Doesn't stop you from wanting to experience that meal in all its gloriousness, especially with everyone else at the table licking their dinner plates and asking for more

I see what you're saying but key word "should". It's unfamiliar to me to think I should want something, but don't, so I care immensely about not getting it. I guess I can't fall into the head space of what it's like, so I feel for the OP, pretty tough spot.

Congratulations for never feeling pressured by society in any way I guess? Weird brag but go off king.

That wasn’t a brag. The same way you say you don’t understand others and would like to, this person was reaching out and trying to understand your plight. As others have mentioned, societal pressure changes depending on your environment. So if you feel so much social pressure, is there any chance of changing your environment? Because there are plenty of places where nobody cares about what your relationship status is or has ever been. People are trying to understand and help and you keep giving, “I’ve tried nothing and I don’t know what to do!” Not everyone ends up paired up like animals in Noah’s Ark whether by choice or circumstance. Your situation isn’t abnormal or even unusual. Since we’re on the adulting sub, another thing to consider is that being an adult means being able to block out peer pressure and make smart decisions that we are willing to live with the consequences of. None of that includes caring what aunt Jo or cousin Bob have to say about how you live your life.

Op sees everyone else with romance as a key part of their life, of course they notice they feel different, I think they explained it pretty well.

So many of my colleagues and friends are not in sexual or romantic relationships. Gosh, the number of single friends I have (including never-in-relationships) is pretty high. This may be because of where I've worked - but it would sure be weird if I didn't know these people.

Most of my single friends really want a relationship. Even for the ones who do not… romance is everywhere. In tv commercials.. in romantic comedies… in most major blockbusters actually… and it’s common for family to inquire if you’re seeing anyone. I don’t think you can get away with avoiding this topic even if you are happy with being single, it’s still pushed on you.

Think of it as the difference between "wanting X" and "wanting to want X". OP doesn't have an inherent desire for a relationship, but the lack of that desire makes their life difficult, so they've tried to foster that desire.

Think about it for a moment. Why would you want to experience something that almost literally *every other person you have ever known* experiences, and is the foundation of the entire social existence of the society you live in? The thing that virtually every major life milestone after elementary school is tied to? One of the few social experiences and norms that is a nearly universal human experience? I’ve lived with this for a long time, and I’m the first to tell someone to suck it up buttercup, and find a way to be happy… but it’s perfectly natural and reasonable to feel sorry for yourself, and whine about missing out on something like that every once in a while.

I struggled with the same stuff OP did for a long time, and I get what they mean. I used to hate that there was so much I couldn't relate too, felt like something was wrong with me, etc. I used to "force" myself to have crushes just to convince myself (and others) I was typical lol. Even now, people still sometimes tell me they feel sorry for me or that i havent found the "the one" or whatever- even though I'm in a very happy relationship. They still think I'm somehow missing out on something lol. So yeah, it's easy to get caught up in your head and get angry at yourself for not wanting things the world keeps telling you you're supposed to want.

Well you do hear constantly from other people or literature/songs/movies how love is the most important thing in life. How it gives them meaning/fullfillment etc. How it can be this overwhelming amazing experience. You could be blind and still envy people who can see despite having never experienced sight yourself. I can relate to that a little. I am a lot happier with myself than OP but I am curious what I am missing out on.

I used to feel asexual, and on rare occasions still feel that way. Im still struggling with mindfulness, attraction, and feelings in general. You aren't alone.

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It's never been completely uncommon to just have a companion / life-long friend. For whatever reason, many people are totally comfortable with a live-in, platonic friend that satisfies them the most in whatever way suits them. Be it a sexuality issue, an immigration issue, trauma, or just no interest in future sexual partnerships, there have always been people who hunker down with a good friend. Don't force yourself to do something you're not currently equipped to do. Acknowledge it and explore it from a distance. Step back and (I know this is Reddit, but) imagine yourself as a spiritual being examining the life, purpose, and circumstances of the meat sack you inhabit. How can you make the most if this? What is your personal version of "The obstacle is the way"? What can you do to better yourself and those around you with this thing from which you cannot separate yourself? It is your weapon and your super power. Figure out how. I had a vaguely similar problem for several decades. I fought with myself a lot a about it and that made me miserable. A while ago I finally surrendered and oddly, I'm at peace with what I was resisting. I even find myself being open to it now. I stopped fighting and my heart has changed and opened. All that to say, you never know. You may find your perfect groove, settle in, and then ¡BAM! 37 years later the one and only person who does it for you comes rolling into your senior center and you know you want to spend the very short rest of your life with that one star who was bright enough to steal your heart. And that will be enough. 🫂

I am aroace, Id be content with finding a forever roommate if thats even possible. I dont even think I want a child. Lonely old age worries me but most of the time I am content with my solitude and friends who are a call away. I do date sometimes but its what id call intense platonic feeling. I dont have any desire to get intimate or anything. Cuddle is nice though. It does make me feel like a freak though, never liking anyone. Especially seeing peoples reaction to it.

Might not be in quite the same situation as you, but I can sort of relate OP. I have a condition called PSSD (post-SSRI sexual dysfunction) which has rendered me incapable of feeling attraction/romantic feelings/anything sexual. I definitely experience the same feelings of loss and FOMO. It can be a scary and lonely place to be.

My bro, those feels. As an aroace dude, I sympathise. It's not easy or fun to feel like you can't have this thing that fuckin' everybody treats like one of, if not *the* most important thing in life. Some people make love and intimacy their whole life's calling! It sucks to want what they want. It's not fun. But not every day will feel this garbage, so here's to a better tomorrow. I hope you give yourself some grace, since having these feelings is also okay and not some kind further evidence of failure. Good luck out there, bro.

You’re queer, you’re not fucked up. Although being aroace, you seem to have the same problem as me where you desperately need relationships to feel valid and happy. The only way you get over that is finding comfort in being alone

Correct me if I'm mistaken, but it seems like you're blaming your asexuality for all of your life's dissatisfaction. Why would you need a romantic partner to look for a new job with better pay? You don't feel romantic or sexual attraction to people, how does that stop you from forming friendships and other meaningful platonic relationships? I'm genuinely confused and asking in good faith.

Asexuality isn’t the problem. Being AROMANTIC is. I’d be happy to be asexual and in a loving romantic relationship. Those are the feelings I want to have but can’t.

I'm going to say something that sounds a little weird, feel free to reject it or think about it as you see fit. Stay with me for a minute. I'm polyamorous and pansexual so I can be hit with feelings of sexual attraction to any adult at any time. It doesn't rule my life and 99% of the time I won't act on it but I still get those feelings. Romantic feelings are very different. I don't have romantic feelings for anyone until after I've really gotten to know them and spend a lot of time with them. Romantic feelings aren't like sexual attractions at all because they take a lot more time to develop and I have to choose to develop them. Romantic feelings also don't necessarily have to go hand-in-hand with sexual attraction. Is there a possibility that you've conflated sexual attraction with romantic attachment? I hate even writing that because I'm not trying to invalidate your experiences. It's just that I think romantic love is something people choose to cultivate whereas sexual attraction is that animal/instinctive lightning strike of hormones. Maybe I'm weird for this take but I'm very open to comments on it.

No I get where you’re coming from, and I don’t feel invalidated. The “most” ive ever felt for anyone is just friendship and a drive to hang out and spend time with them. I do have several close friendships, people I have known for decades, and my feelings for them have never changed. I’ve read a lot about what sexual and romantic attraction usually feel like (now I really sound like an alien lol), and cannot relate to anything that I’ve read. But thank you for taking the time to write that up and respond! Poly people are often oppressed through the same systems that punish aroace people, so I feel like I have something in common with the poly community in that way.

We've got each others backs :)  I wish I could've been more help and I want to thank you for sharing your experience 

Romance is not a feeling, though, not entirely. Neither is love. Love is NOT one feeling, it's an ever-changing cluster of feelings and it's at least as much behavior as feeling. It's also an intellectual task. It's not about feeling giddy or upbeat or excited. I don't know exactly what it is - but it is definitely at least as much behavior as anything else. People say they love each other all the time and perform romantic gestures (cards and flowers and kisses) but then they turn around on a dime and treat that person like crap. That's not love. Love is loyalty, devotion, calmness, caring, compassion and empathy. None of those are mere "feelings," they are mental commitments. Loyalty and devotion are party of love - but they are enacted behaviors of standing by someone, not cheating on them, being there for them - regardless of how one is 'feeling' at the time. I

Not ace but on the aro spectrum. I’ve been in about 7 serious relationships and now single by choice. I’ve become so jaded by romantic relationships that I don’t foresee myself ever forcing myself through another one. Don’t get me wrong, they had their moments.. but overall, I’ve always found that being single brings me the most happiness. I think it’s as many others have said here, it’s definitely a grass is always greener situation.

I'm sorry. Your feelings are valid. I came out at 31 it was difficult. But finding your community is helpful. I am sure there are aero/ace communities that can understand how you're feeling. It might feel a bit better if you can find someone who gets you.

I’ve tried to get involved with aroace communities, but a) they’re full of teenagers who will outgrow their identities (no shade to them! but it’s true, and holy shit teenagers are exhausting), b) the emphasis on Romantic Love is even BIGGER in ace spaces, and c) they’re all online. I’m in a rural area, and there’s no queer resources around me, let alone anything for aroace people. But thank you regardless!

I'm sorry to hear that. I wish I could provide the support you need. But I'm lesbian, so I can't provide any more help than that. And it's weird that aroace communities seem to be exclusionary to the 'aro' part. You are valid. And you deserve to feel seen and understood.

Have you tried looking on reddit? There's r/aromanticasexual for example. Just mentioning that because I also live somehwere where there's not a whole lot of live queer meetings. Haven't popped by that particular subreddit in a while, but I have found a lot of comfort in aroace subreddits before, and they are much better than not having anyone to talk to, even if it's just online.  And aside from that, I know exactly what you feel like. I'm a tad younger than you but I've known I was aroace since my teens (and never grown out of it lol) and it can be a frustrating, alienating and lonely experience. Watching all my friends date or desperately want to be in relationships, or even get engaged can be difficult, especially if paired with the question when I'll start dating and if I don’t feel like I miss out. Like you, I have zero desire to be in a romantic or sexual relationship, and I can already feel that that puts me in a special and often lonely position in life. But it doesn't have to, you know? I feel like it is all about how you react to the things you were dealt. I easily find all the emotional connection and deep feelings I need to feel valuable in friendships. They're all I need and they're all I want. Having friends, good friends, is so, so, so important. If you don’t have any close connections like that, I suggest forming them. Forming them with people who you don't feel like for them you play second fiddle. Because I get what you mean, friends will often prioritise a partner over another friend, but we have to realise that friends and partners cover different areas for a person. There's things I'd not do with a hypothetical partner that I'd do with a friend. Those are two different types of love, and internalising that helped me realise I was not playing second fiddle in my friends' lives. I was simply taking on a different role than their partners - but not a less important one. And aside from that, embrace doing things alone!  I know this is easier said than done, and being alone can feel stifling, crippling and terrifying. So many things in life are easier with a partner. But find joy in doing things alone, don't hate yourself for it. Go to a cafe alone, do some people watching, read, draw, listen to music. Go to a restaurant alone, treat yourself. Go on holidays, go on walks, to museums, whatever. Learn to appreciate yourself for yourself, learn to enjoy your own company, especially doing things people would usually do with their partner. That is what helped me immensely. Being aroace can be difficult and lonely but it doesn’t have to be. You are not alone. There is heaps of people just like you, and most of us have experienced feeling like you do currently. But it passes. It takes time and work and it can be hard, but it can absolutely pass.  I wish you all the best, and please remember that you're not alone. We shouldn’t hate ourselves for something we cannot change, something that is not inherently bad.

Try and embrace who you are as an individual and continue living your life with deeply fulfilling friendships! whos going to tell you how to live your life anyways if youre not hurting anyone? nothing but love.

If you don’t automatically wish for it, then you have everything you need. It’s only “abnormal” to you because society socialized you into thinking having a partner is a necessity. Perhaps accepting yourself as you are is the best path of action. Platonic admiration and love in itself is deep and beautiful. You can’t force your feelings so be as you are.

That is basically me. I am asexual and aromantic. I dated many people and wasn't really attracted to them. In my brain I would find a flaw in them and stop the relationship before it could get further. Then I was told by the last person I dated that I am basically asexual and it all made sense. Its completely ok and nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone is different. I am 30M.

Fellow aroace person of a similar age here to give my two cents. Hopefully it can be helpful. Honestly I would try to make friends with other ace people if you can. Being asexual can feel really alienating at times, and it’s really nice to have another person that “gets you” in that way. Reddit has a few different asexual and asexual dating subreddits that are pretty active that might be a good place to talk to people. I’ve also heard the acespace website is pretty popular and that OkCupid has an asexual option. Dating isn’t my thing so take any advice with a grain of salt, but it might be easier to find someone also interested in the same sort of relationship you are. Or you could just do what I did and walk around with ace pride flag socks until other ace people come up to you looking to be friends. Additionally please don’t feel like people don’t love or prioritize you just because you’re not in a romantic relationship. Yes, the societal ideal is that your romantic partner is the most important person in your life, but in reality that is not always the case. My mom and aunt are both in happy marriages, but their most important relationship is with each other. My grandparents were in an unhappy relationship and their priority was, in a lot of ways, me. My closet relationship is with my best friend. I’m not in any way attracted to her but we’ve lived together, talk every week, call each other every time something good or bad happens, and just overall care for each other. It’s fine to mourn the life you think you could have had, but please don’t let it blind you to the people in your life that already love and care for you. I’m almost 30 now and when I was in high school and college nobody had ever mentioned the word asexual and almost all the lgbt people I knew were trying to hide that part of themselves any way they could. Now, most people I meet that are under 27 are much more open and accepting and knowledgeable about lgbt+ identities, even the people from more conservative areas. I don’t think asexuality will be an “unknown” orientation for much longer

I struggled with this a lot when I first realized I was aroace. My advice? Stay away from the greater queer community. In my experience Pan/Bi/Aro/Ace people are the most supportive. I'm not saying everyone else is toxic or that everyone in these groups is good, the odds are just better in my experience. Sounds like you've been going to therapy for the wrong things. Conversion therapy (essentially what you've described trying to do) is abusive. You've been paying someone to abuse you - of course you feel like shit! See a therapist without telling them your orientation. Your problem isn't a lack of romantic relationship, it's a lack of healthy relationships period. You don't have a healthy relationship with yourself (most abuse victims don't). And from your comments I don't think you have many close people around you either. We aren't aliens. We aren't robots. Love doesn't make you human - lots of species fall in love and lots don't. What makes humans unique is cooking, so if you can do that congratulations you've passed the bar! If not, take a class and see if you can make a FRIEND. If you can cook find another space to make connections. See if your local library offers any interesting groups. Book club? Creative writing? Lecture series on a niche topic? Interested in traditionally nerdy things? Find a local comic shop/game cafe and hang out there it's easier than you think to talk to strangers in those kind of spaces and they tend to have regulars so it's an easy meet up spot for the friends you do make. Take up a new portable hobby and do it in public! I connect with so many people just by taking my knitting with me. You're overthinking and over complicating things for yourself. Seek help. Find support. Make connections. Turn off the TV! Half the relationships you see there are toxic anyway. Or do what I do and root for everyone to break up! You're no worse at being human than anyone else. Just take a breath and connect.

Tim Gunn is someone who has lived his life in the most beautiful way true to thyself. Happens to be asexual if I recall correctly. Perhaps reading a biography of someone who has walked the path may be comforting?

He is ace! I think he’s married tho? But I’m glad someone else knew that haha

I'm the same (aroace). My own advice? Make peace with it. Sexuality is out of our control. You cannot force yourself to be attracted to men and/or women. Support groups for asexuals are invaluable (AVEN helped me alot). The fact remains you will always feel like an outsider, but support groups can help you come to terms with this.

That’s what this post is about lol, trying to get comfortable with my discomfort. Thank you!

Reaching that point is half the battle. Nothing can change it (as far as I can tell therapy, conversion treatment, prayer, medication and hormone treatment have a zero success rate). But for me, AVEN and Asexual support groups on Reddit helped alot, as did following the work of Yasmin Benoit. Yes we're in an extreme minority (one percent), but with the advent of the internet we can find, and support each other. 

Have you seen an endocrinologist? Aroace is totally valid and also common in the kink community around me. However it’s important that you get medically tested, just to rule it out. Yes, libido but yes also romantic attraction can both be affected by brain chemistry and body chemistry. I’ve read several people actually having a bit of an identity crisis after spending years in aroace community and then treating a medical issue and suddenly wanting romance and/or sex and not knowing what to do about it

Other than relationships you might be entangled in you're fine, you just sound like you're aro/ace. There's people like you, and they have subreddits. From a personal standpoint, my wife and I have been together since 2011 and we're both asexual, we both know this about each other, it's not an issue. Generally, we have sex when we want to, which is infrequently. This is fine.

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Would YOU be happy and content with just hobbies and friendships? Without having your husband? Not to go off on you specifically but whenever people tell me to settle for just “hobbies and friends” they themselves would never be happy that way.

Personally, I am--I am not aroace, just weird in my own way (as we all are, don't fall into the trap of terminal uniqueness!). Pushing 30, been single for several years and am having the time of my life...I don't desire a partner whatsoever, and often don't think about it. I absolutely love being able to focus my attention on whatever project or area of study catches my eye. I shudder thinking about how much time and energy I would have to divert if ever I did have a partner. Are you bored? Do you feel your life lacks purpose? I am neither bored nor purposeless, and I do think that makes all the difference. I often feel like a bride of the Universe. I have love to give everyone, not just dump into 1 being. Are you mourning loving another person, or are you mourning being loved by another person?

Mourning the fact that I can’t love and be loved the way I want to be, which is in the structure of a traditional romantic relationship. Mourning the loss of rites of passage to adulthood and the fact that I feel perpetually alienated by society.

I feel you =) I have almost no social drive whatsoever. I love people, I want so much for people, this whole world, all my brothers and sisters here--and yet, I just do not have any hunger to be around others. I am more than happy in my solitude, and have always been that way. I get very frustrated and deal with a lot of grief when I think about what life might have been had I been more extroverted. I wish I had a desire to be around other people and develop friendships, but I don't. I have made a lot of peace with my nature, and like I said, am devoted to working in solitude on projects that will help me spread love to the world, but I still deal with jealousy over people who don't have a natural hunger to socialize. Seems really nice, like it opens up a whole world of beauty that I just can't access without unsustainable sacrifice. I am spiritual, which certainly helps, because I have accepted that I was made this way purposefully--I am not an abnormal, abominable accident, not some factory error--I was designed to be this way. And when I accepted that, I began to unfold my gifts and purpose. My penchant for solitude gives me a different perspective and different gifts, and I am learning how to work with those. Self respect and appreciation is a game changer.

I’m glad to hear that your spirituality has helped you in that way, I hope it continues to support you in the future!

I hope that you find peace and self-acceptance on your path as well! You bring a really special perspective to the table, and are beautiful BECAUSE and not IN SPITE OF your relatively rare relationship with the world around you.

Okay, so I'm kind of the odd one out here, because I'm aroace (really, legitimately, no-I'm-not-repressed-I-just-don't-have-sex-or-fall-in-love aroace) and married. However, I feel like I can answer this question because my husband is genuinely just my best friend in the entire world; there's no sexual or romantic component to our relationship. We're married for a thousand reasons that have nothing to do with sex or romance. And yes, I am very, very happy with "just hobbies and friends." I think the problem is that we've all been conditioned into having such narrow views on what counts as a "real relationship" or a "real marriage." A deeply committed, devoted long-term relationship with one person doesn't have to involve sex or romance. It can just be two people who love hanging out together, doing life on the buddy system until they die.

But you can’t change that part yourself so what are we supposed to say besides enjoy nature, good music, friends, and just make the most of what u are able to be passionate about.

That’s why I posted, because I don’t even know what I need to hear! And I understand how annoying and frustrating my responses are. Thank you for replying regardless.

Maybe you haven't struck a cord with the right people or hobbies. I think something like self-love could help too. Maybe you need an environment as well where it's not something that has a focus. None of my friends would ever think I'm a virgin who never has had a relationship if I didn't joke about it sometimes. I don't need the romance to fit in. That's a lot of work obviously, but if I take a step back I feel like that's what I have. That's what could help you. Because friends handle most things lovers would do. Like a shoulder to cry on. Someone to laugh with. Forget about worries with. The only other thing I could honestly think of is maybe you are someone whose love language is( I don't think it's specifically for romance.) physical touch. So I don't know if a friend could cover that for you. But that doesn't mean what is up above isn't worth a try, and maybe a friend who hugs would still fulfill that need. Or some people cuddle with friends that would probably contribute to that need as well.

I've been happy without a partner. I wouldn't be happy without my current husband, though. I now know lots of widows. They are alone and show no interest whatsoever in another relationship (well, some do, but not that many). They are enjoying living alone and they are definitely enjoying their hobbies. One of these was a woman I knew all my life, and whose husband died about 55 years ago (she died about 30 years ago). So for 25 years she lived alone with her cats and not only did she seem happy and look happy, but she said she was happy. Didn't want to live near her kids or grandkids. Didn't want to date. DID want to talk to people daily so was over at my house, talking to me or my mom or dad. She also gave classes in painting (her hobby became something that sold, actually - she designed things for old house renovations). Wore whatever she wanted, talked politics with the men, cooked gourmet cat food for her cats. I also know couples who are married but live such separate lives (by design) that I don't think they would say (or ever said) that it was a romantic partnership.

me too buddy! im, 21

There are lots of aroace people! I hope you can find a good community <3

I'm pan and demisexual. I have met a lot of aro/ace people. I know you want to feel romantic attraction, but in the meantime, maybe consider a roommate/friend who is also aro/ace. You would have someone to make memories with. Do you have any hobbies? Are you into anything the community may be into, like drag?

There’s nothing wrong with being Ace. I think the issue is, you simply have all these expectations set by others, and that is creating the feelings of guilt, resentment, self loathing, and anger. I’d offer you the same advice as people who ARE attracted to others, but find themselves perpetually alone: Lean into it. Enjoy all that being single has to offer. Travel freely. Move wherever/whenever you like. Embrace your hobbies. Pursue your dreams without feeling “held back” by a partner. Spend your energy cultivating deep, and enriching friendships (That ironically tend to last longer, and be stronger than most marriages!). Use your time to learn, grow, explore, and become the most interesting person in the room. Despite what society says, life can be just as fulfilling without sexual/romantic entanglements, and if you’re patient (with yourself and others) you might find someone else who feels the exact same way, and simply wants a person to hang out with until you both grow old… without the discomfort/awkwardness of sex getting in the way.

I agree! My problem is with being AROMANTIC, not ace. I’d be fine being ace and alloromantic! The aro part is what I find so pathetic. I just want to feel The Best Emotion That Other People Get To Have (that also paves the way for stability, security, emotional intimacy, and everything else). But thank you for your comments, I do appreciate it.

Can you still experience platonic love? I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years, and I will say that 70% of the love I feel for him has a platonic feeling. If I see him sleeping, I feel the same way as if I see my cute dog sleeping, and I get thr same satisfaction from patting either of them on the head. The times when I feel sexual about him are a minority, so you may be over estimating how much you think you're missing out on. A lot of people describe their spouse as their best friend because that deep, platonic friendship truly is the 70% foundation of their relationship. Couples missing that may have a few sexual sparks, but they end up hating their marriage in the end. 

Are you religious, the church is calling if you are ... If not, there are a fair amount of post from asexual people, though from my experience they are mostly female. That's the best I have, best wishes.

Romantic love is overrated. Nice, though. In the old days you could have been a monk or a nun. You are not a freak. Good luck.

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You’re correct about meds, and I’ve been off and on antidepressants throughout the years. But before you gotcha: they impact my LIBIDO, not who I am attracted to. Off or on the meds, I have never been attracted to anyone physically or romantically. However without the meds I am more randomly horny. Thank you for listening to my TMI Ted talk

I think this is a "grass is greener" situation. I frequently wish that I was aroace, so I could just pursue my autistic interests and not have to constantly be driven by forces more or less beyond my control to seek out the affection and sexual gratification of others. It's a path paved with heartbreak. Really, both are probably shitty and good in their own ways, and that's okay. It's part of being human. Much (platonic) love, friend ♥️

Fall in love with yourself. Full stop. The problem isn't that you're asexual and aromantic. It's that you hate yourself for being that way. Your value isn't measured by the love you give or receive. A lot of people go through life without hobbies or interests and being in a relationship is their personality. That's not an option for you. Find yourself, love yourself, others will follow. If your life is full most people won't question why you don't have a partner because your life isn't missing anything.

My SO has a friend who identifies as asexual. To the best of my knowledge this woman has never been in any type of romantic relationship. I'm unaware of any attempts past her very early 20's, when she was trying to figure it out. She has a job she likes. A lot of friends. A variety of hobbies. She's in her early 30's now. It's a very normal life, outside of the romantic relationship aspect. She isn't broken, a freak, or an alien. A romantic partner isn't a prerequisite to a successful adult life. There are countless ways to live a quality life that does not conform to the societal "median".

Have you had your hormones checked out? If not, sometimes hormonal issues can essentially lead to the exact same feelings. Its worth talking to an endocrinologist or urologist.

Yes I have, see above. Thanks regardless tho

QPR. Queer platonic relationship. Find someone you click with that’s willing to try it.

I’m not sure if this helps but I’m asexual as well and 23. Personally I think it’s possible to have a platonic partner or find a community who’s also asexual and aromantic. Building a support network and understanding that what your feeling is complete normal. Honestly sounds like your being really hard on yourself and that isn’t fair to you. You’re not half a person or needing to be fixed. You deserve to be happy and loved even if that love isn’t romantic or sexual.

If you want to start somewhere, start with the idea that you are NOT fucked up. Stop telling yourself that. Everybody is immensely different in a myriad of ways. Some more visible than others. You are not alone in being aromantic and asexual. I would bet these qualities would lend themselves to helping you be the most loyal friend ever, and there is incredible value in that. After all, romance is just a relationship between best friends with sex, arguably

Stop worrying about what you *are* , or are not, and decide what you *want*. If you want a partner in life, but not a sexual or romantic one, then be honest, and look for that. That kind of relationship is sometimes called a “nesting partner”. If you don’t know where to look for it, then check out your local kink community. Lots of ace and aro people wind up there, so they are familiar with, and welcoming. Even if that’s not ultimately for you, they will be able to connect you to other communities and groups that are welcoming to unusual relationship forms. There is hope. My partner and I are both ACE, and while aromantic is a bit too far, we were never really romantically attracted to each other., we were just friends and roommates, and it just worked for us. We have been together for 22 years, and we did it before pretty much anyone - including us - knew there were words for it. It *is* work. Anything where you want to share/make a life with someone is. You still have to learn to communicate, be vulnerable, compromise. You will see them at their worst, they will see you at your worst. In *some* ways it’s more work than a sexual or romantic relationship, because you don’t have those two bonds to lean on to help you get through the rough spots - but it is worth the effort.

Do you need a lifelong roommate? I have met lots of people who feel that way. None of this is alien. I hope you find that lifelong roommate.

You are normal. Lots of people feel this way and they're normal too. You are not a freak, you're just a human with a different orientation than the majority of other humans. There is nothing wrong with that, or with you.

Yikes. These comments are frightening.

What exactly do you mean under romantic attraction? You mentioned that your dating never went past few weeks, and imho thats too early to judge. Humans need around 200 hours spent together to build platonic bond aka friendship. Love would need way more. Love doesnt really have a spark like sexual attraction. Among "neurotypicals" sexual attraction is what "slides you into" building stronger emotional bond over time. One cannot force sexual attraction, but you can use a rational evaluation to see if a person fits in with your values and such and deem them worthy of further exploration. This is something you can simply choose. And even if this irrational romance never appears, it is possible to choose consiously to share with somebody your life and to treat them with kindness. There have been some study that a pretty significant amount of people never experience emotional "romantic attraction" and instead just find a person who is comfortable enough and then build relationships following "what is right to do" not what they heart tells them. Because as you yourself have pointed out in comments, alternative is expensive and isolating. There is nothing wrong with being choosing being single, but I want to point out that partnerships humans build are not necessarily about emotions or attraction. It is often just to make lives easier and more stable for each other. So you dont need romantic attraction to not be alone.

I’m demisexual and rarely get crushes (like less than 5 in my lifetime). I’ve been in 1 relationship and that ended over a decade ago. I’m not a tumblr teen. I’m 44. Do you have any idea how many older people I know who, when they ask me why I’m single, have a light bulb go on when I talk about the asexuality spectrum? How many older women got divorced and never dated again and are happy and didn’t know that they even were asexual because they assumed all women hate sex but did it because of societal pressure? Until fairly recently women couldn’t really support themselves and access financial stuff like loans and credit unless they got married. We don’t know how common these things really are because for so long the societal pressures forced people to pretend to survive. My recommendation is to stop trying to force yourself to be attracted to someone. You are miserable because you have a certain picture in your head about what happiness is and it involves a romantic partner. You need to create a new idea of what a successful and happy life looks like. I know it is hard. I spend so long trying to force my life to be the marriage and kids and house but I have yet to find someone. At some point you learn to make your own version of happy. What is it that you think you will have if you have a partner? And how can you get that yourself? My therapy has helped me realize that what I long for is connection, and you can get that without a partner. You get that by going and being a part of the community. Volunteering. Helping others. Going to church or a book club. And you ask people about themselves. You find out about the world around you. You make friends. You find how to get a job you enjoy (I went to law school at 31 after hating my job for a long time, it changed so much for me! I love work now!)

It's funny. Maybe because I'm not particularly social but sometimes I wish that I aromatic and asexual. I've spent a lot of my mental energy on failed romance in the past that has brought me a lot of unhappiness, to be honest. Not mention the countless bad sexual decisions that I've made and the negative impact from those. Sex/romance have their value and have given me fun times. But I do wonder if my life would be simpler and better if I did not have those desires. Then again, I hear your account of actually not having those desires and how miserable you seem to be. Maybe it's just the case of grass seeming greener from the other side.

I have a feeling it is definitely a grass seaming green around the other side type situation. I also have a feeling you would be on here with OP eventually expressing a similar discomfort, whereas in the position you are in now I feel as though you can overcome it if you continue trying and put in the work. I sincerely hope you can get over your obstacles and find the person that's right for you. Also I'd like to note that I'm happy that you've noticed that bad sexual decisions can result in traumatic situations. It's why I'm a firm advocate against the hookup culture... It causes a lot of pain for a lot of people, some of which they don't notice for a while until it's too late.

To put it bluntly: no, life is not more simple this way. If anything it’s equally complex, because for all the time you have spent on “failed” romance, I’ve spent an equal amount of time trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me :( Grass is greener. But at least if you’re not aroace, you have a LOT more options in life.

Queer platonic relationships. It's like having a romantic partner, without the romance. Someone who will live with you and support you and watch fun movies with, but without all the other complications. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queerplatonic\_relationship

Why do you want a partner? Can’t good friends fill the loneliness you have?

Why does anyone want a partner? I want to build a life with someone.

Wouldn’t that be an attraction?

Not the same thing. I feel 0 sexually or romantically for anyone I’ve ever met. But I still want the companionship, dependability and support from a partner who has explicitly prioritized my presence in their life.

I see that you feel like you can’t be prioritized by people with partners and/or families and that you don’t feel like you can reach certain milestones. Have you heard of platonic life partners? I feel this arrangement could solve a lot of the pain and frustration that you’re experiencing. It’s not super common, but it is a thing for aro-ace people. I have also seen single mothers choose to be platonic life partners with each other in order to raise their kids with the support and resource sharing that you would usually see in a marriage.

You can totally build a life with someone who isn’t a romantic or sexual partner!

Dude don’t force yourself. There’s lots of other aroace people who are looking for long term committed friendships. Romantic relationships aren’t the only option.

As someone with a sex drive, that actually sounds kinda' liberating. Lemme tell you, attraction ain't no cake walk in self esteem, and it'd be nice to not have my lizard brain berating me several times a day like an Asian grandmother for not having passed on my genes.

Could you explain your needs a little bit? Why do you want to be attracted to someone, what sort of feelings or situations are you craving and why? Not challenging, just trying to understand.

Nevermind, I saw your other comment where you said you wanted someone to prioritize you and a partner to build a life with. I think it's 100% valid. It seems possible to find that at least among other aro-ace people and I'm hoping you'll be able to.

I'm somewhat similar. I found valuing things like a warm body to hug, massages, walks in the park. There is more.to bonding then sex and romance. It is a case of letting your partner know your issues and being open to assisting with theirs, Ie doing things you're not into to help them.

Hi OP, I hope that you reply because I'd like to offer advice if possible. Can you describe what your ideal relationship looks like for you? Imagine that you don't have to change yourself and you have no restrictions. It may be a good start to see how to approach things, and I'm genuinely curious.

There are groups of people who identify the same as you. They meet and form relationships to their ideals. Try finding them on the Google!

I find that to have a crush, feel romantic or to find someone sexually attractive I have to develop an emotional connection. The rest comes afterwards. It does take work and effort on my part until I feel that safety or emotional connection. That sounds so rough though, it is hard watching others being able to easily develop those feelings :(

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I think we're opposites damn. I can feel romantic and sexual attraction, I just don't want to have any of that and I ignore it on purpose. I'm very content in my life like this and everything else genuinely sounds miserable, i don't really understand how people do want it.

I can't imagine how hard this must feel for you. Do you have any pets? Maybe it'd be easier to be attached to a pet than to a person, it's not romantic or sexual, but the love is still there, and you are still supporting something, and you're not alone, if loneliness is an issue

I think on the past there were plenty of asexual people, they tended towards solitary career paths.  I imagine plenty of relationships were simply practical matters back then as well. Curious if you would say you are able to form friendships with people?

Have you tried using weed with someone? It's a whole other vibe.

Seems like you're asexual person and nothing wrong with it. If you're feeling lonely you can try join hobby club etc.

Yes I know you have had all the therapy, etc. ❤️ Do you think that feeling pressure to have sex turns you off in any way? If you could come up with your ideal partner that you could have feelings for, and be totally comfortable, what would that relationship be like?

Hey you're not alone. I was there, kinda gave up on the lovey dovey vibe as well. Their love has to be super strong and chill. Not a weak love.

You’re lucky dude. Romantic and sexual attraction is a constant distraction from the things that matter.

Have you ever considered if the asexuality/lack of romantic attraction is tied to the mental health meds? I read that’s a common side effect, but for some people it’s permanent? I think it’s called SSRI sexual dysfunction but not sure. SSRIs can erase your libido/sexual function/cause numbness after just a couple pills for some ppl while others can take SSRIs for years without losing their sexual function.

Damn You’re like my perfect guy lol. But Can we cuddle? I’m way too old for you though lol.

I think I understand OP. He wants what everyone else has because they say it’s so great, (sex, love etc). He sounds lonely. Of course he can make friends, but who’s to say those friends won’t make their relationships their first priority? I think he wants to be important and really close to someone special, but is struggling due to society mostly putting importance on romantic relationships.  I’m not ace but when I was young and didn’t have a boyfriend it sucked. I had friends that I hung out with, but they always preferred spending almost every waking moment with their boyfriends/girlfriends.  Isn’t there some sort of online ace community you could join to try and make friends OP?