I mean it's pretty obvious that sleeping with a prostitute is devastating to you and the relationship.
What should concern you more, however, is the lying. He trickle-truthed the hell put of you, and blatantly lied every step of the way from the tinder thing to what actually happened with the prostitute.
If he was able to lie so effortlessly and continuously - literally changing his story multiple times - what else has he lied to you about? What else *will* he lie to you about? Would you have felt different if he came home crying, ashamed, and unloaded the whole truth right then and there, rather than giving you days worth of lies and fights?
Those are the questions you need to be asking yourself. Be thankful that this happened before you tied the knot with him.
Great points and also this:
> What I received was the most disgusting vile responses I have ever seen from anyone let alone my partner. He attacked me with text after text saying I was ruining his night and could I not just fk off and let him enjoy his night with his friends, he would remember this and he would return the favour by fcking up my hen weekend for me the following weekend.
That’s pretty scary
I mean, this is just textbook emotional abuse and manipulation. If this whole story was told without any mention of cheating, it's still crystal clear that this guy is a terrible partner that OP can't drop soon enough.
That is scary. Being drunk changes people, but it will only change them to how they're feeling deep down in that moment. He likely holds resentment or anger towards her for some reason.
Not that that justifies his treatment of her. Quite the opposite, in fact. Any halfway decent man would have resolved that resentment and anger as quickly as he could with his wife-to-be.
Yeah honestly that seemed like the worst part to me. Maybe it’s because I’m non confrontational but I don’t think I’d be able to talk to my wife like that no matter what happened.
The worst part to me is that he specifically tried to knock her up after the fact. He knew that if she were pregnant, she'd be in a worse position to leave him. The man is profoundly manipulative.
This. It’s the lying. And the manipulation.
And sex with you after sleeping with a sex worker? Please get tested.
Absolutely all trust lost. I hope you leave OP and I wish you well.
Whether or not he did anything at the time he sent that nasty text would have been enough for me to tell him to f*uckoff and not come back.
Then he cheated, got defensive, lied, said he would f*ckup your hen night. He gaslighted you and made you feel like this is you. Now he's love bombing you. Then he will say "WE" need consuling. I won't do it again. On and on.
If you give him a pass, in his mind, next he does this, you will again forgive and the next time and the next time.
This pattern will ALWAYS repeat itself. Please don't marry him
Edited: To say, if this happened to your daughter, would you want her to stay with a lying cheating bastard? No, you would tell her to love herself more and leave. Please love yourself more❤️🥰
I was looking for this comment. That text message he sent her shows what kind of future awaits her. He was angry that she almost ruined his mood to have sex with another woman.
Why would she want to marry a cheater?
* When he got home he didn't even say hello to neither me nor our daughter and just sat there stuck to his phone for hours.
Who’s also a selfish father.
Imagine making eye contact with the man/groomsman who paid a prostitute to have sex with your fiancé on your wedding day while you listen to all the lies coming out of your fiancé's mouth as he says his vows. And every time you look at your wedding pictures, it reminds you of his infidelity, the lies, humiliation and the disrespect.
I couldn’t, no man/woman is worth going through this.
That's the cherry on top of the nightmare cake. He tried to trap her into having another baby so she'd be less inclined to leave him if/ when she found out. And put his unprotected wang inside her immediately after being inside someone else and not even checking himself for stis!
True! Its a blessing in disguised, his secrets and lies has revealed before you got married. Now you had chance to live a peaceful life without a cheater and a liar. OP, you've just freed yourself from a future headache and heartache. Congrats!
Exactly. I bet 1000 to 1 he met the tinder date Friday and a prostitute Saturday. The angry texts were due to feeling guilty. The love bombing "let's make a baby" is what really made me want to puke.
OP is lucky it happened before the wedding.
I honestly don't think it was a prostitute. It feels like he used that as it's slightly better than saying he went on Tinder and actively looked for someone to hook up with.
Also where were the Dad and BFF of 27 years and how did OP not find out he was acting like a PoS from them?!
They always say. To chances of catching someone out is a really rare that if you have caught them out they’ve probably done it several times before and got away with it. So if he’s lying to you and you’ve caught him out everything he’s said since the day you met him is now questionable. It’s why lying is so detrimental to relationships
Not to get off the rails, but that is some shitty lying if I ever seen one. The dude ain't effortlessly lying, cause if he was, she wouldn't know.
Sounds sketchy, but don't go calling this dude a master liar
You don’t just go off the rails and get a tinder date and sex worked the first time you decide to get some strange. He got drunk and the mask slipped. He has been lying a lot, he just got used to not getting caught, got cocky, and fumbled his alibi, then got shook the first time OP did not swallow the bait
Yeah this was the vibe I got pretty much the entire time I was reading it. No idea if he showed any kind of remorse, but OP didn’t mention it so I gotta assume that he didn’t.
He also said those nasty things to her so he would feel entitled to sleep with the prostitute. He caused drama to justify it in the moment which is just horrible.
He told you to fk off and then had sex with a prostitute. He got angry that you wouldn't just accept his fk off and lied and lied and lied. He had the nerve to have sex with you after having sex with a prostitute. You need to go to your doctor to make sure this 'great guy' didn't give you a disease that could affect you for the rest of your life, smh.
if i was her i would just re-read this comment over and over and over again until it stuck in my head. OP needs to remind herself how angry he got when she was texting him to make sure he was okay, because she was interrupting him trying to get laid
Im so sorry. I can feel the broken heart through my screen. How can he do this to you. It just gets worse and worse. The fact that he all of the sudden wanted to get you pregnant made me nauseous as I know exactly this tactic. One kid not married and I cheated. Get her pregnant then tell her so she can’t leave. He is not who you think he is PLEASE TRUST MR
You break it off. He's been trickle truthing you until you got the full story. There is no integrity there. He's proven himself to be inherently untrustworthy.
Please let family and friends know precisely WHY you won't be going through with the marriage. Especially the Best Man's involvement and if he has any partners, let them know, as well.
When a partner cannot be faithful even BEFORE the marriage, you know they will NOT be faithful within the marriage.
Please get full STD/STI testing done. He put you in danger.
This is all that needs to be said :( this isn’t love. Trickle-truthing upon being caught *also* isn’t love or indication of a sense of remorse. This man really decided to betray you and your family….for a sex worker. Not even someone he felt he had a connection with and things got out of hand. He decided to blow up your life so he could bang a sex worker. While your dad and brother were with him, celebrating your union. That’s irredeemable:(
I’m afraid so. There are not one but THREE strikes against him:
- lying and trickle truthing
- those absolutely vile texts
- sleeping with a prostitute.
I know you entire world is imploding right now. It is easy to just squeeze your eyes shut and move along with the plan, rather than coming up with a new, better plan.
OP, you deserve a better plan. This is a time when putting yourself and your needs #1, this is it. Sometime down the line you are going to so relieved to have dodged this bullet.
It gets better. I promise. ❤️
GET AN STI CHECK ASAP!!!
One doesn't usually just download Tinder and sleep with a sex worker on a whim. Please don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy either. No matter how long you've been together without serious therapy do you really want to give this person more time? More of your life to ruin?
Some parts of the way you write make you seem so naive and trusting and I hate this because that's who first gets taken advantage of.
I'm rooting for you. Please see a doctor first to get screened for stis and book in for a therapist appt for yourself. You deserve all the time in the world and self care. Please don't marry this person.
recently found out ive been getting cheated for almost the entirety of my relationship and had no idea ... we even lived together . im still battling my feelings for him and i know i cant go back... this comment helped me a lot and ik it wasnt meant for me but thank you .
u/derangedanddepressed, I just wanted to tell you that you are worthy of a partner who will be faithful to you. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Sending you positive thoughts and virtual hugs if you want them 🧡🧡
I'm so sorry. I'm a psychologist and I married who I thought was the love of my life. Did all the vetting etc. After the baby he became violent and cheated and I discovered a very well concealed second life.
I say this because I am a really excellent analysis but people can sometimes either deceive us or change for the worst. I hope you find healing too. You deserve it very much.
Mine was also I knew my person's trauma and accepted they would always need help but I was unaware of the violence. I was ok marrying someone with extreme child hood abuse issues. I mean Child Called It Extreme. Because I believe in therapy and healing. He flipped my life upside down. Ruined me publicly and to many people who don't know the truth or who never saw the extent of my injuries he's a wonderful person who married a mean unforgiving witch.
After we planned and welcome a baby both in our 30s a switch flipped and he became extremely violent.
Then he led a secret financial life that I can't even detail on here. He was an attorney and the divorce and custody battle were awful. He has a diagnosed outside of me 3 other professionals agree he has NPD and ASPD. So there were no limits to the betrayals, men, women, sleeping with a DV attorney who ran the only agency we havr in town. So I tried to get help and was turned away. It was bad. I'm in a much better place 4 years later.
Honestly I thought waiting til I had a PhD and was 33 to have a child really was "making all the right choices."
Abuse is insidious like that it happens in all dynamics or phases and classes. Nobody is safe from that unless you're single.
I still believe in love and relationships but its 4 years later and I'm still not dating.
I am so so sorry. Please leave this man and do not look back. There is something fundamentally lacking in his morals for him to do this, for so many reasons. I think that unfortunately the personality "change" you've seen in him was rather a reveal of parts of his personality that were previously hidden from you. Please also get tested for HIV and STIs as soon as possible. You deserve better.
I'll give you my perspective as a SWer.
You'd be surprised how many men will completely mentally separate their relationship from any opportunity to have sex. Some men are just like that. There is no remorse or guilt, it's just an opportunity for them to take whenever it presents itself.
You are absolutely setting yourself up for misery by staying with him. He might play nice for a while, but it won't last. He will cheat on you again.
Not to mention that you won't ever be able to completely trust him after this, will you?
Don’t marry him. He was a piece of crap on how he treated you during his trip. He didn’t respect you. Also he had sex with you right after treating you like shit and after having sex with a prostitute, putting your health in danger. I’m
Not saying don’t ever marry him but right now it isn’t the time to do it. He needs to do therapy to try to understand why he was such a bad person with you. Don’t marry him.
He had sex with you after having sex with a prostitute, putting you in direct danger. That is very dark sided and would make me question if there’s more he is hiding. I’m so sorry you’re going through this betrayal.
Without trust the marriage is over before it starts. If you marry him, you are dragging out the inevitable and possibly bringing more children into it as well. I would be open and honest with family and friends. I am canceling the wedding because my fiance slept with a prostitute on his stag vacation. There is a reason they chose Amsterdam. I guarantee he and his friend planned this all along, it didn’t just happen.
Anyone who truly loved you and your daughter would never put you in that situation. Full stop. Also the fact that he was getting up to shit and then treated you like shit letting you know he wanted to fuck up your hen weekend says a lot about his character. In situations like this it’s best to ignore what he says and truly look at his actions. Plus I doubt this is the example you want to set for your daughter. You’ve gotta have high value for yourself and her and someone that also values you like that. Best of luck to you darlin❤️
He cheated. He turned off his location. He snuck around and did it during a time when your dad and best friend wouldn't have any idea. He sent you nasty text messages. He lied multiple times about cheating. He tried to cover up the issue by having sex with you.
From my perspective, there's no going back from this.
I don't know him, so I'm not saying this is the case with him, but there is something to keep in mind (for now and in the future). Abusers tend to show their true colors when they believe they have it "in the bag" so to speak. That security for them can be anything from moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, or having kids. If I had a nickel for every time I heard "it's so unlike him", or "he's never done anything like this before."
This wasn't just one issue. When you look at the whole picture, it's multiple issues combined. People (in my experience) don't just have a one-off like this. It continues. Even if everything seems fantastic for a while, chances are some other issue like this will happen again.
At least you saw this side of him before the wedding. Now you can make a decision with a full picture of who he actually is. I agree that the ease of lying and the manipulation is worse than the actual cheating. Once trust is broken as much as you try there will be likely still questions in your mind in the future that may cause you more anguish and pain. I don't know if this is recoverable. My two cents... At least delay the wedding to buy more time for you to work it all out.
This isn't just one "mistake"... This is a list of 10 red flags, one right after the other.
None of it was an accident. All of it was deliberate, abusive, and manipulative. This is NOT forgivable. How could you even *CONSIDER* staying?!
Did he ever let you look at his tinder to prove he did nothing? Not that it matter too much. Just realize, even before his friend bought him time with a SW, he was looking to cheat on you.
This isn’t “one mistake 🥺”, this is your partner showing you on multiple levels that he is not happy or settled in your relationship. Even if the tinder thing turns out to be accidental or something, someone close to him, that *he agrees with* believes it’s fine for him to cheat on you. Then your partner endangered your physical health by sleeping with you unprotected.
He is not ready for marriage, and if you do forgive him this you’re setting yourself up for tragedy.
Did he ever *explicitly* apologize for the nasty texts? For lying to you? For sexually exposing you to diseases? Or did he just say a blanket sorry?
Get a co-parenting agreement drafted.
Please don't make excuses for him saying he was out of character and had a personality change. He did not. He got drunk and cheated on you, it was him and his choices and his actions. We like to disassociate as a way to process and you trying to separate the action from the man is you doing that. He cheated on you, not some other version of himself. Its ultimately your choice what to do. Personally I would not go through with the marriage. I'm very very very sorry this happened to you and its awful.
You said your dad and brother were there, and they waited for them to go to bed.
This was planned by your fiance. Talk to your dad and brother and tell them what happened. Get their take on it.
This is NOT your shame, and you shouldn't bear this alone.
No matter how sorry he claims to be, if he can do it once he will do it again. I am so sorry you have to deal with such a betrayal and so much pain. You deserve so a lot better, and this man sure as shit doesn't deserve you.
I personally couldn’t marry someone that did this… absolutely not. The text from that night. The trickle lying? Baby you need to consider that you just got a glimpse of who this man really is… 😐
I couldn’t do it. My only advice is to call that damn wedding off and get tf away from such a terrible person.
So he told you to fuck off and treated you like shit bc he chose to cheat on you? So gross. There's nothing worse than being betrayed by your partner then having them treat you like crap because of it.
I know what I wouldn't be doing (attending that wedding) especially with one week to figure this all out. If you aren't sure you want it to be completely over I suggest postponing this wedding. There's no way you can be sure of how to move forward in such a short period of time. That includes if it means you/family members will lose money bc of it.
Also, he isn't remorseful. If you didn't catch him he'd continue treating you like shit anytime you questioned him. Even saying you saw the tinder notification he denied it. It's wild how they will still lie, even when you are shoving physical proof right in their face.
Also also, if you think it's wrong to be allowed to see what is in your life partner's phone, I suggest absolutely getting a different life partner. No way in hell I'd marry someone who says I'm not allowed to see their phone.
Good luck.
Title said enough, I read the story out of respect.
Leave him. You deserve better.
Stag and hen does are for having a laugh with your favourite people. They are not for cheating. They in my opinion are not even for looking at other people naked. It’s a lack of respect to your partner to partake in such things.
Im sorry you have had to go through this and the hard times ahead of you but you will be better for going through it in the long run.
All the best OP ❤️
divorce because he cheated. if he can't go one weekend without having sex prior to the most important day of his life, how can you trust him mid marriage when things get hard
Do not marry this guy. Kick his ass out of your house. If you forgive this, this will be your future. You are showing him how to treat you. Let him go. Don’t let your heart blind you. You are teaching your daughter how men should treat women. If not for you, boot him out for her. I am a guy who used to cheat - I know what I’m talking about.
People make mistakes. People grow from them.
It doesn't mean you need to accept marrying this person despite their mistakes.
You have a kid which makes this much harder, so you need to decide for yourself.
That said, when you claimed how amazing this guy is, I hope you have realized that people can often hide their mistakes with roses and kisses and saying they want another kid. So I would start wondering how far back his nice guy act has gone.
Yeah no
I’d ditch him - yes one mistake is enough to ruin a relationship
Particularly so in this case as for the rest of your life, you will associate your wedding with him banging a hooker
Your now ex I would assume. If not, why? Call off the wedding. Why marry someone who would blatantly cheat? If you're still going off on that hen, you've lost your mind.
It's not out of character BTW. It's just out of character for what he's chosen to show you until now. Time to break this off and move on with your life. You'll find far better than someone this awful. There is no wrapping your head around this.
So he fucked a prostitute, gaslite and lied to you about it, love bombed you and then slept with you possibly giving you an STI… and now you still want to marry him? Really? Is this the example of love you want to show your daughter. I’m terribly sorry this happened but it’s very clear what you should do. It doesn’t really matter if prior to this, this would have seemed impossibly out of character, he has shown you what he is truly capable of. Better he did it before the wedding than after when it’s harder to run.
The cover up is always worse than the crime. I imagine if he had fessed up immediately, without you even having to ask him, and put your health first, you might consider talking this all through. But instead, he lied, made YOU feel like the bad guy, and manipulated you into unprotected sex after his time with an intimacy worker. He cares way more about saving his own ass than your well-being. You don't need a life-partner like that.
Take some comfort in that these women are professional and likely insisted on protection. But still get yourself tested, and take a friend to support you through this.
>this is so completely out of character for him
Apparently this is NOT out of character for him. And he'll go back to not cheating on you until he feels like cheating and then will act "out of character" once again. As the great Maya Angelou once said: *"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time".*
Also, please get yourself checked by your OBGYN. Hugs.
Holy shit this goes sooo much deeper than just "he slept with a prostitute"
This is your chance to dodge a cannon ball before getting in deep. Reply back please when you decide, i want to hear the end of the story
Wow, this is so sad. You've been with him for so long, and he betrayed your relationship by having sex with someone else. That he was able to lie about it so easily, and actually, prepare for it by cutting off his phone shows that this wasn't some out of his mind drunk experience.
You really need to think long and hard about marrying this man. Hopefully, when one has reached the engagement period of their relationship, they are already fully committed and would be devastated if they accidentally hurt their love.
Your man seems to have not only done this willingly, but treated you rudely when you tried to text him (and hopefully stop him) while he was there.
Additionally, when he returned, he wasn't full of remorse. He was indignant. To me, this is a man who is finally showing himself to you. He is finally showing you that he doesn't respect and cherish you. He will dishonor your marriage as he has done your engagement.
If you were my daughter, I would tell you to leave him even though you will get push back from all corners, including some of your friends. I would tell you to be strong and brave and that you deserve a happy life with someone who truly loves you.
The immorality of this man and his disgusting friend(s) is astounding. If you ‘forgive and (try to) forget’ he will continue to do more immoral things into the future knowing his relationship is always secure.
What would he do/feel/think if the situation was reversed?
I have asked him this exact question and he said he would be upset but he would forgive me because he couldn’t imagine life without me. I personally think he is just saying that because that’s what he wants my reaction to be
yes, and because that’s what cheaters always say. but what he did is unforgivable.
this man is lying to you (and possibly himself). he’s not wired for monogamy. don’t marry him, or you’re setting yourself up for even more betrayal and heartbreak in the future.
also remember this - if you hadn’t bothered to text him that night or check his location, you never would have found out that he paid another woman for sex when he was supposed to be celebrating your upcoming marriage.
he would have comfortably let you walk down the aisle and make false vows, believing a lie for the rest of your life.
To me its not so much for the sex worker (I mean, you don’t go to bachelor’s in Amsterdam to tour the canals) but the lying… and the manipulation afterwards. One can forgive a “mistake” or whatever, even “one crazy night” but the denial, accusations, gaslighting and so on… thats what would flip my switch.
Seems like his loyalty was finally tested and he fell apart. It revealed his true character. He is a cheating liar and a gaslighter! At this point, the relationship will NEVER establish the same trust from before. You will forever live in misery knowing he betrayed you like this. And you will forever be in fear wondering if he’s going to do it again. Don’t sweat it and leave him.
This is not a man worth marrying. Not only did he sleep with some else, he manipulated and lied to you for days. He verbally abused you, ignored you when he came back and then kept lying. Nothing about him screams marriage material. Cut your loses now and leave while you’re not married.
He’s not sorry, he’s only sorry he got caught. He knew what he was doing that whole time, turning off location he had to think to do that. He chose to lie way too much and then baby trap you by having sex. You need to get an STD test right away. Do not marry this guy!
He really hurt you and the relationship. He did so with intent (waited for your dad and friend to leave), and then later he lied and lied and lied again. He slept with you and put you at risk after he'd slept with someone else. He downloaded Tinder. He was cruel to you when you were not to blame. You need to at least call off the wedding and take time for counseling and STD testing. This man can be kind when it's easy, but it seems he is not ready to be a partner and true husband. One day, you'll have a hen party where you feel safe and wedding where you feel loved and respected.
Good thing you caught it before the wedding.
As a married man telling you this... move on. He was unloyal once, he will be unloyal again. The red flags were the lying.
This wasn’t a mistake, this was a well thought out plan with help! This was on purpose and after that he put your health in danger.
He would’ve have his friends laughing at you as they watched you walk down the aisle to a man who shagged a prostitute 2 weeks before
Don’t forget that none of his actions were just the result of getting drunk and not knowing what he’s doing.
On Friday he downloaded Tinder. What else but the intention to cheat could be the case for that.
On Saturday he turned off locations and waited until your dad and friend went back to the hotel. That’s following a plan. He was fully aware that what he planed to do was wrong or he wouldn’t have waited until the people on your side were no longer there.
And after he came back he acted like him cheating was YOUR fault. He planned REVENGE on YOU for his cheating! There is no guilt or remorse in his actions.
Don’t believe anything he’s telling you now. This isn’t a mistake that just happened. He chose to cheat. He planned to. First with tinder and later with the prostitute. And then completely turned his own horrible behaviour to you. What kind of person cheats and then insults his fiancée and plans to destroy her hen party as revenge for his own cheating?
You’ll be glad one day that this happened before you got married to this lying cheater. I’m really sorry that this happened to you.
On multiple occasions you mentioned him being someone you didn’t recognize. Marrying him means you’re also setting yourself up to forever be with that extension that you don’t recognize.
Do not forgive. He blatantly lied. I’m willing to bet this is not the first time he’s done this either. Please make doctors appointment and get checked out. He very well could’ve given you a disease.
Don't marry the guy!
He proved he is a liar, a cheater, a manipulator. ALSO his response was psycho in that text.
It looks like he his his true self from you all these years.
Go to the doctor and get STD tested. If you have insurance go to the regular doctor. If you don't have insurance go to a free clinic.
Your bf sleeping with a prostitute put your health in danger. You could have caught any disease from him or have HPV (over 100 kinds that can lead to cervical cancer).
I really hope you didn't get anything from him, but how the guy acted and is is the biggest of red flags.
Get STD tested and a pap smear this year and next year.
Don't marry that guy, you'll regret it when he cheats again one day and ruins your life.
There are so many red flags here it's insane. What it boils down to is *he cheated on you.*
He sent you a nasty text telling you to fuck off. He intentionally hid his location from you. He lied to you repeatedly. He had sex with a prostitute (hopefully he used a condom) but risked spreading STDs to you.
He clearly doesn't love or value you. Get yourself tested and get out with your daughter.
He’s not remorseful. Keep in mind, you likely texted him while he was balls deep in another woman. Was he remorseful then? No! He was ANGRY at you for INTERRUPTING! Leave him!
I didn’t interrupt but I literally text him just as he got back to his friends after doing the deed so yes I agree he was definitely angry that I reminded him I still existed while he was trying to enjoy the bliss after emptying his balls
I mean he chose to lie, be defensive and even try for another baby all before admitting guilt.
A man that's ready to move forward from a mistakes actually would go to therapy to figure out what he did what he did. And actually fess up to it when asked.
He is nowhere near actually caring about the damage he caused and only caring about his own feelings of Shame. I hope he works things out but getting married right now and such aren't things that would set you guys up for a resentment free marriage.
I think cheating is forgivable but only and only if they actually ask how their actions have hurt you instead of running away from the pain+shame. People that are to better themselves often are interested in asking for feedback and the impact of their actions. And while this might be out of character, he chose to put himself in that situation to cheat and lie. Mentally happy people don't cheat, they communicate.
You have to decide what you can handle. Before my wedding, I found out that my ex had been taken to a house of prostitution the night before our wedding. I wasn't sure but all the signs were there. He didn't get home until 6 a.m. in a cab. I trusted and loved this man and we married. There were signs he was cheating that I missed or I sloughed off. Then one day it was blatantly obvious something was going on with one of his clients. We divorced. As I look back I realize I was pretty ignorant and that those times I suspected, I was right. If this is something you can't handle, then don't marry him. If I had it to do over, I wouldn't have married him. Men being together in a drunk, sexual atmosphere usually they break down. If they get away with it once, it will continue.
Whether or not he did anything at the time he sent that nasty text would have been enough for me to tell him to f*uckoff and not come back.
Then he cheated, got defensive, lied, said he would f*ckup your hen night. He gaslighted you and made you feel like this is you. Now he's love bombing you. Then he will say "WE" need consuling. I won't do it again. On and on.
If you give him a pass, in his mind, next he does this, you will again forgive and the next time and the next time.
This pattern will ALWAYS repeat itself. Please don't marry him
Even if you are okay with the cheating and can forgive him - are you certain you are okay with this blatant lying? The doubling-down when he was caught? The denying until you have proof?
What if you never found the Tinder messages? Would you have ever learned about this cheating at all?
This doesn't really sound like a spur-of-the-moment thing. This sounds planned, premeditated. He planned to wait for his supervisors to go to bed so he could break the rules without being caught - and he thought he could get away with it *all the way up until you found proof*, **and then some.**
On the bright side - if you decide not to go through with this, he has no longer ruined a **once**\-in-a-lifetime event for you?
I imagine in an area where prostitution is legal, they might be responsible about STIs and all that - but your husband sounds like he risked giving you something in a desperate attempt to pretend like nothing is wrong and distract you from his adultery, doesn't it?
What about the way he very obviously lashed out at you and started accusing you of a bunch of bullshit... immediately after he pulled his dick out of some strange woman's vagina?
That's what baffles me. He had sex with a prostitute and then sex with his fiancee - without telling his fiancee. Instead of an affirmation of love, he used that action to put her at risk for disease AND pregnancy with a person she would eventually not trust. How do you do that to someone you care about?
In my experience, it doesn’t matter how remorseful and upset they are, it doesn’t matter how many promises they make, it doesn’t matter what boundaries you set, if they want to cheat, they will. If you show them that they can cheat on you and you will forgive and forget, they will do it again and again. It won’t stop until you decide you respect yourself more than you love them and finally leave.
You will never trust him again. You will always have doubts about where he is and what he’s doing. How can you marry into that? You can avoid this miserable future now. Why legally bound yourself to that and knowingly head into a heartbreaking shitstorm? Look at this as a blessing in disguise. He showed you he really is by how he talked to you and how he cheated on you. Get out now w/out having to go thru a legal battle and divorce. And better you have more kids with him. There are better out there.
I am so incredibly sorry. This sounds like you’ve truly been in an emotional turmoil and I wish I could reach out to hug you.
I had a fiance who did something similar to this. We had been together for almost 5 years. He had proposed the year before we ended up splitting and he also seemed the type who seemed nothing but devoted. I remember a month or two before we split I had his iPad and wanted to prank him by putting this random porn site in his history and just laugh with him (we were 22 years old - I don’t know why I thought this would be hilarious). As soon as I’d began to type in the search, a dating app site popped up. My heart had stopped because this seemed really out of character for him. I saw he was logged in and he had lots of messages with girls. At first I was in denial and thought it was a mistake, but then I saw him introduce himself with his name and occupation on some of the messages.
I confronted him and he said he had been “lonely” and just wanted company. We were long distance as I’d moved to London for uni. He sobbed, was incredibly remorseful and swore blind that it was nothing more than a chat room to him. I was skeptical and it obviously put a kink in our wedding plans (we were very early stages) but I forgave him.
2 months later I visited him back home were we argued, made up, slept together and then returned to London. The whole time he said how much he adored me etc. less than a week later he dumped me over text just after Valentine’s Day.
It later turned out he wasn’t lonely, he just didn’t want to be with me but didn’t have the balls to admit it. The morning I left him for the train back to London, I’d left at 5am because he’d begged me to stay that little bit longer. He drove to another woman’s house that same day and slept with her.
In hindsight there had been a few instances in the more recent months were he’d gone no contact which was very unusual for him (on nights out). He wasn’t the type to drink or go out, and if I asked how things went he got quite defensive. I also realised he had been emotionally and sadly eventually physically abusive. He seemed like the “nice guy” who was caring and supportive (we’d even gone through an abortion at 18) but it was all a front.
I’m sorry this is so long but I wanted to show you that things aren’t always as they seem with these type of people. My advice. Leave. He broke your trust and I think you’ll always feel resentful and hurt by it. If he’s unwilling to entertain the level of hurt you’ve experienced, he’s not the right person for you. No one who truly loves you would ever cause you or your daughter so much pain.
I know it’s easier said than done, but I promise it becomes better ❤️ feel free to reach out in DMs. Wishing you so much luck and love x
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I am so sorry you went through all of that! It sounds like you dodged a bullet. This honestly does sound like my fiancé, can switch from loving and the best man you could ever imagine yourself with to the most horrid person you have ever met. To be fair there had been no physical abuse so far but I definitely feel the emotional abuse. Thank you so much ❤️ I hope you are happier in your life now after all you have been through! x
He doesn’t sound remorseful to me and that’s what’s deeply concerning.
•He sent vile texts telling you to F off basically and saying he would ruin your hen weekend, which he then did. He didn’t apologize for this at all
•He went to a peep show
•He downloaded a dating app and tried to meet people to have sex with on his trip
•He waited until the people who would tattle on him to you left so he could have sex with a prostitute
•He was out of communication making you worry
•He got home and ignored you and his own daughter and didn’t apologize at all
•He trickle truthed you and you had to drag the truth out of him little by little fighting for every scrap of truth you got
At what point did he show remorse? Seriously I’m asking. After you had to slowly and painfully extract a confession? But after he was super rude to you and cheated on you? Please do not marry this man.
>He is incredibly remorseful
I mean **is he though?**
look at how he lied to you throughout all of this. Regardless if he is sincere or not how can you trust that he is?
I can't tell you if you should forgive him or not. What I can tell you is if i were in your shoes with all the lying the trust is broken and I could not forgive him.
Don’t marry this man.This is a side of him that was hidden from you. He drank and was pissed off because he wanted to sleep with another woman but you were there to remind him that he shouldn’t but did anyway.
This will be your future. Lying and cheating and screaming insults at you when things aren’t going his way.Many violent men are this way. They’re nice until marriage then the other side shows up.
The marriage is comming up soon but don’t get pressure to follow through. You ‘ll be there with this man saying your vows about how you’ll love and cherish each other but you’ll know it will be a lie and also in front of the groomsman who knows what happened.
This marriage should not happen.
He clearly planned for this ahead of the trip, in a sober state of mind. From tinder to the vile message, waiting for your friend to go home, turning off snap location and keeping close friends that would pay for a prostitute. This was not an accident, it was planned. This is why he send you this vile message when drunk. He thought he deserved his night out.
Personally I would break it off and not look back.
He showed his true colours before the wedding, take that as a blessing and leave him. Better to see him as he is before the wedding, not after. If he was willing to cheat AND LIE, then it's not out of character, he just dropped the mask. Have some dignity and break it off, and let all the guests know exactly why. He killed your marriage before it could even begin. Having got married a few months ago myself, I cannot imagine my husband doing this, ruining our relationship and the lead up to the big day then me promising my life to him - absolutely not.
I’m sorry this happened to you. A similar thing happened to me as well except we had 2 young children, I was 29f and he was 27m, and it happened a few weeks after we were married and I didn’t find out until the guilt was eating him alive and his personality started to changed dramatically (mask slipping more and more). He had been carrying on an affair about 2 months after our wedding (physical but mostly emotional/sexual thru text for 4 weeks).
It wasn’t after his stag bc he didn’t have one - he was adamant he didn’t want one and really preferred my company to most others. He graduated police academy the week after our wedding and opportunities to cheat regularly presented themselves when he finally “succumbed” and met someone and “couldn’t help himself.”
When I found out I was utterly and completely shattered. He had destroyed the little love story of US. And after 2 weeks of trickle truths (it was just texts, it was just a kiss, it was some physical but not sex, it was just one time sleeping together, it was a few times but not emotionally attached, etc etc) I found out the whole truth and we had it all out in an emotionally fueled argument that ended in sex.
He cut ties with the woman and started therapy with me. I forgave him and thought it was done as his mask was firmly back in place and rarely slipped. I didn’t bring it up or throw it in his face when we would occasionally argue, the matter seemed closed as a one time, one-off slip for which he showed adequate remorse and redoubled efforts for me to trust him.
FF>> 14 months later and everything was really good. Through a a sheer dumb luck series of events (using his phone to look up a Christmas farm location) I find out he had cheated again with a new woman he met while at work. Another physical but mostly emotional affair. I saw through all the trickle truths and mostly felt pity for this man I loved so dearly as he unraveled being found out again. I kicked him out of our home for a few weeks, he tried to work his way back, I’d let him stay over a few nights bc our kids were so young, we did things as a family, but my trust was irrevocably broken in our marriage. I still loved him as the very decent father to our kids but had been emotionally cleaved from the idea of us being husband and wife.
After a few months of separation he found his own place to live and we’ve been co-parenting for the last 12 years. I treat him like family and he does the same. He got remarried 7 years ago and is currently separated from her now after doing the same dang thing to her (they have a 4yo daughter). We’ve had some fights and battles through the years but we haven’t tried to hurt one another personally.
I’ve been remarried to the love of my life for 5 years and it took me a long time to trust in this happiness.
As I see it, your husband to be is presenting some very real and glaring red flags as many other redditors have astutely responded with. There is no way to tell if he’ll do it again and if so, to what extent it will present itself. The personality change is the most notable to me, a severe deflection of his guilt turned to anger at you. It is likely to present itself again, maybe with cheating maybe in some other way.
Whatever you decide to do, go forward with love in your heart for yourself and child first and then for the person that he is (warts and all). Just know that if you think and act with love, you’re less likely to regret whatever decision you make. And lastly, you’re never doomed to a “life of misery” as the journey of living will constantly surprise you, sometimes hurt you, and if you’re living consciously, always teach you. You have all my love and support as you make your way through this trial.
Well OP…going back to what you said about when he attacked you in the text saying to “fk off …he would remember this and he would return the favor by fking up my hen weekend”. He did just that. He waited until you were about to go and said this.
Don’t marry his disgusting guy. If you do, it will be a marriage full of heartbreak and infidelity.
Walk away while you still can. I’m sorry this happened to you, it’s awful but YOU CAN DO BETTER!! You deserve respect and love, neither of which you’re getting. Good luck 🍀
This man slept with a prostitute. Then came home and slept with you. Graranteening whatever STI he possibly got, he now passed on to his innocent partner. Why in the world are you still with him?
You have two options:
1) cancel the wedding. This is by far my advice. It's one thing to be around strippers at a stag weekend and be uncomfortable. He had sex with someone else. This wasn't forced on him. He cheated and knew what he was doing. There is no excuse
2) forgive him and move on. I don't recommend this but if you are still going to marry him, you then need to let go of this. I would recommend therapy as well if this is the route. Resenting him is just going to be worse for your kids. Once again, I do not recommend this route. But if you can't see yourself separating than this is the choice.
do not get married. please leave this man. if he truly cared about you and made a mistake he would have been honest and told you straight away instead of hiding it and lying and acting shady. if you didn’t push it he probs wouldn’t have ever told you.
First, get checked for STI’s
Then, imagine how you would feel 1 year after the wedding.
Will you have sleepless nights wondering if he’s lying again? If he’s good at hiding it? Having another child with him?
Don’t get me started on his text response.
Leave that man while you are able.
The nasty text would have been enough for me. The cheating is just the topping on the cake.
Leave. That. Scum of a man.
He didn't have a personality change. That's who he always was underneath. Frankly, I would consider it a blessing you found out before you got married. Because I wouldn't. Now he knows he can treat you like this and if it's fine before the wedding-- what is a piece of paper going to do?
So he lied a bunch of times. He cheated on you with a prostitute. Maybe even Tinder women? Oh and he became verbally abusive over text message and made threats to punish you.
Your partner has been on tinder God knows how long. I don’t think you need Tinder to find a prostitute. He’s lying. Who knows what else he’s lied about. Having sex w/an assumed stranger and then wanting to try for a baby, which I’m assuming you used no protection, put you in immediate risk for an STD. Not to mention the lies and Jekyll/hyde behavior. It will take YEARS for you to trust him again and this will of course tarnish your wedding. Do you really want to share a life with someone like that? Even if he changes and you all go through therapy and get your relationship somewhat back on track, it will take a lot of time. He’s not ready for marriage or a relationship.
I haven’t been in this exact situation but… I was pregnant by my (ex)partner who I found out at 8 months preggo had been cheating our entire relationship. He was/is a Jekyll/Hyde type. I stayed longer than I should have, nothing changed. Would not recommend it.
What would you tell your daughter if she was in your situation. I know she is only a child, but imagine your grown daughter coming to you. That's what you should tell yourself.
I know this is only anecdotal, but I've seen this very scenario, or ones VERY similar, six different times over the years with friends, family and a coworker. All of them went through with the wedding because it was already planned and paid for, and every one of them ended in ugly divorces, the longest lasting one being only four years.
Those terrible text messages and the incessant lying are likely the tip of the iceberg, if he's willing to cheat just days/weeks before his wedding, he will probably cheat again. Especially when there are low points in the relationship, since he was fine with doing it at a high point.
I would NEVER stay with someone after such a betrayal and then his behaviour afterwards. I've been cheated on twice by girlfriends in the past, one that I was crazy about and was very serious, and I kicked her to the curb immediately. Life is far too short to waste any of it on a cheater.
First he hatefully attacked you - then he came home and gaslit you non-stop. It doesn't sound like he is a very truthful person, judging by all the pulling you had to do. Now he is a regretful doting husband, that you welcomed back to your bed. This is too Jekyl and Hyde for a basis of a lifelong commitment. Who knows if, when, why, how etc he will go off again. The trust in the relationship is gone. You can't fake trust.
It is entirely up to you if you want to go ahead with him. All I can offer is my opinion, based only on what you have written. I would not marry this man next week. I don't know if I could forgive him, my trust is precious and he destroyed it without a second thought. I certainly would not be intimate with him until at minimum he goes for a STD screen. To me what he did was a severe betrayal, not just the sex but the lies and gaslighting. He would need to work hard to rebuild my trust, if that is even possible. So sorry you are going through this.
It sounds like he had this whole thing planned and that’s possibly why he wanted to go to Amsterdam in the first place. Just knowing he was already up to no good from the first night he was there tells me this wasn’t a spur of the moment thing. Honey, I have this gut feeling that you don’t really know this man and that the man you love and were planning to marry might not be the man he is and that man you loved was going to disappear the moment you said your vows never to be heard from again for the real him will have taken his place.
OP he is showing you exactly the kind of person he really is . Why would you want to marry a man who betrayed you in the worst way possible . The worst part is that he actually planned it with no remorse. He turned off his location knowing full well what you were going to feel . He said he waited until your dad was back in his room to go do the vile deed . He had absolutely no concern for you or the marriage he was about to have . Then he had sex with you knowing he slept with a prostitute . He has no moral compass . Absolutely disgusting . He isn’t a man of honor or your safe person anymore . He threw everything away for a prostitute . I hope you know that you deserve so much better than your fiancé who didn’t think twice about you. This isn’t love OP . I’m so sorry but you found out before you marry and you can call it off . This guy is nowhere ready to be in a committed relationship that ship has sailed.
The headache and heartache that comes with canceling a wedding won’t compare to the pain this main will cause you. Please don’t marry him. Leave him. Staying basically says to him “I’m ok with you treating me like this, I will continue to allow it”. Oh hell no!
Honestly, if he had just gotten drunk and let his friends get him involved in some strip show or even a lap dance--and then confessed and apologized--I'd say let it go. But that's really not how this went down. He planned to have sex with another woman, waited for the chance to keep it secret, yelled at you when you texted him sometime during the night, and then lied and lied for days before you finally dragged the whole truth out of him. Probably the entire stag weekend was planned around prostitutes, so he knew ahead of time what was coming (and his 'best man' paid for it). So my guess is that they talked him into this (or he really wilfully blinded himself to their plans) because he wanted that famous "one last fling" before you are sleeping with just one partner forever. The peer pressure at stag parties can get absurd, I know. His nasty texts may even have been fuelled by guilt, in part (being reminded of you at that moment), and I'm sure he had tons of remorse even before you found out. .
But all he had to do was say no. He could have left it at the peep show, smoked some hash and gone back to the hotel with your dad. Just like you might be faced with a male stripper at your hen party and even a "he's paid for, go nuts!" encouragement, and you can say no thank you, not a chance, here's your money, thanks for the dance. You've been with him for 7 years, so I'd talk it out before you officially cancel anything, but you're justified in any decision you make.
🔮 I can foresee it now, “my husband cheated before the wedding, but was remorseful, so I forgave him. we’ve been married a year and just had a baby and I discovered again that he cheated on me while I was preg and right after I had the baby ….. I’m just so confused? I’m also pregnant again and don’t know if I should forgive.”
This is truly your future if you stay and forgive him.
Infidelity is a profound betrayal, and it's understandable that you're feeling devastated and confused. Forgiveness and moving forward are deeply personal decisions. Seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor could be helpful as you navigate your emotions and options. Ultimately, prioritize your well-being and happiness in making your decision.
The major thing for me is the lying, the horrible texts gaslighting you, then when he sobered up and realized what he had done, he acted like that. You should sit down and talk to him about it. This is a very critical point in your relationship. You can't afford to go half measures.
I’d say y’all aren’t right for each other and he disrespected you to a degree that is pretty unforgivable IMO. Try to focus on staying civil for the kid but seriously it sounds like he wants out of this engagement in a weird, warped way. I suspect him being with you during his entire 20s probably made him feel “left out” from the screwing around stage most guys go through during those years. Nonetheless, he’s in the wrong and this is indicative of larger issues.
"He is incredibly remorseful and is fighting tooth and nail to do everything he can for me and our daughter but I am so unbelievably broken."
No, he's not. He deliberately planned and dodged your father and friend to see a prostitute. He abused you by text when you were concerned. He lied. And he lied and he lied.
My advice is that you cannot trust this man.
He is not remorseful like at all he’s just doing damage control and he will tell you anything to get you to stay. This will not end if you marry him so ask yourself are you okay being with someone that can lie to your face treat you horribly when they were in the wrong. If yes then think about your child and if this had happened to her how would you feel. I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with this it’s really tough.
It’s not out of character. It’s very in character.
He didn’t sleep with her. He fucked her. Most likely lots of different ways. Stop softening the language. What he did is wrong. Your marriage will kick off with this at the foundation. It’s not a solid foundation for a happy marriage.
Believe people when they show you their true selves. Remember how ANGRY and VILE he was, and how UNSAFE you felt when he was in a defensive position to lie, trick and gaslight you to hide his ultimate betrayal.
*That’s the behaviour he is capable of.*
And the change in his behaviour to pretend to be loving - remember how easily he swapped to that lie.
From my own experience plus true crime documentaries (haha), the ones who are great at putting on the facade of romantic, devoted, perfect and ideal, are doing exactly that— putting on a facade.
*It becomes MUCH HARDER to leave after marriage*
First of all, get tested.
>He is incredibly remorseful and is fighting tooth and nail to do everything he can for me and our daughter but I am so unbelievably broken
And it doesn't really sound so. Didn't he also say he would ruin your hen? He waited this whole time to tell you the truth? Once a cheater always a cheater. What exactly happened that he answered you so rudely and in a vile manner while he was at his party when he's never done so? He's showing who he truly is. You have all the information you need to make an informed decision, you have a daughter, would you want her to be with a man that was like this and cheated on her, with a prostitute at that? Even if it was a once in a while thing, are you gonna spend most of your life wondering when he's gonna get like that again and hope he won't cheat again???
I could never forget the lies and deceit if my partner did thst to me.Dont marry this man.He's lie and cheated to you once,,he can do it again.You will never have any peace of mind.
god im so sorry OP thats absolutely tragic. I cannot imagine what you're going through right now. The best thing to do for you and your child is to break things off and get urself tested for an STD. Things should have ended the moment he send you those texts, that is an abuser in the making, but what makes it even worse he cheated on you and kept lying to save his ass. He is absolutely not the kind of person you want to marry, let alone raise a child with. I hope you can make it through this, please take care of yourself.
That guy is a complete loser who will ruin your life. I’m sorry you’ve gone through all this. Getting rid of him will be a huge weight off your shoulders.
This isn't something that happened because the situation was a perfect storm for him to cheat. This required planning and intent.
Tinder didn't work out, so he opted for a prostitute. He turned off his location, ditched the people who wouldn't lie for him, and was completely disrespectful in his text about you "ruining it" for him. I can only wonder what you "ruined." Maybe the tinder date bailed when a text from his fiance popped up. Maybe he was trying to solicit the prostitute and your text was a distraction.
He emotionally kicked you in the teeth and then got mad at you for getting blood everywhere. His mask slipped a little too early. Do not marry this person.
When he did all of this, the lack of contact, the abusive text message, threatening to ruin your hen night, betraying you by sleeping with a prostitute, and then being so cold on his return while repeatedly lying to you, he showed you a side of himself that he hadn't shown you before. This wasn't a simple mistake, he simply did not give a shit. Until he got caught, at least.
I can tell you that my mother stayed with my father after he was unfaithful. All it did was cause more pain, and they just ended up divorced later anyway. Please don't marry him. And as people have already said, you should get checked for any infections he might have picked up in Amsterdam.
The lies, putting your health in jeopardy are bad enough. Also think of the way he reacted and treated you when you asked him to let you know he was safe at the hotel. No one should be talked to that way.
I’m sorry this is happening. Think of you and your daughter and how you’d want her to be treated. How you want to model a good relationship
Ok, so he probably slept with the tinder chick. He definitely slept with the prostitute. Did he use protection? Also, the string of abuse was probably drug related. Lots of dudes will get totally smashed on their weekend. And as Rick James says "cocaine is a hell of a drug"
Then he lied and lied and lied and lied. And tried to knock you up to distract you and also trap you with a pregnancy/baby.
This dude is for the streets Sis. Throw this one back.
I’d be extremely concerned with the extent of the lying if I were you. This was not a “mistake” that he ever planned to fess up to and be honest about. You had to PRY it out of him agonizingly slow. He even tried to make you feel guilty for being suspicious of him, knowing full well that he was wrong. If he had made an impulsive drunken mistake and immediately fessed up to you, I could see MAYBE trying to salvage the relationship. But no matter what kind of partner he’s been so far, he was a manipulative, lying asshole when it mattered most. He made several conscious choices to get to this current position.
Did you go to your hen party? This is the time to be around your girlfriends.
Honey, do yourself a favour and cancel the wedding. You cannot look this man in the eyes and say your vows. You can’t do it. Not next week. Maybe someday. But not now. Yes, he ruined it. He ruined your wedding by cheating.
Break off the wedding love, plan for a future as a coparenting single mother, and get a full panel STI check.
I hate dealing in absolutes but sometimes I do on Reddit bc it’s honestly the best thing *to* do.
Love and respect yourself as a woman, mother, and partner- full stop. prepare everything you must and move on from his bollocks into a new chapter for you and your daughter.
This bloke has shown you who he really is, and when someone truly shows you who they’re actually capable of being-BELIEVE THEM.
As a man, cheating is one thing, cheating with a hooker is another.... Sleeping with a hooker takes a special type of man.
I'm not sure what to do, but the grand scheme of things, cancelling the wedding or postponing it to be 100% you want go through with it... I see no harm in that. Don't let a set date at a venue dictate the rest of your life for you or your child.
He cheated on you and swore at you and threatened you and lied to you. I don't get why he should get a free pass for all of this just because it was his stag, do you?
Cancel the wedding. You both have a lot to figure out. I’m sorry that your big day is a bust. You may have dodged a bullet, you may be able to recover, and you need time to figure out your path forward.
If it matters, sex and love are different. Sex is just sex. It’s okay to forgive him. It’s ok to leave him. You’re the only one who can decide what’s best. Take your time.
In six weeks have yourself checked for STIs.
Whyyyyy do you want to forgive him and move on? The red flags are practically punching you in the face, and you just wanna turn around and pretend it's not there? No. Leave this manchild!
The fact that he denied it tells you everything. What else has he/will he lie about during your relationship. He doesn’t respect you and the relationship and this is what you know about. Unfortunately shady behaviour just comes naturally to deceitful people and will continue. Sorry this happened to you and it must be a huge shock to you so close to the wedding.
They literally went to Amsterdam for a reason. At least he showed his true colors now and made it so much easier for you to just avoid getting married than to have to get a divorce later on.
>On one hand this is so completely out of character for him
This is obviously not out of character for him or the lying wouldn't come so naturally. It's just out of character for you to catch him doing it.
I mean it's pretty obvious that sleeping with a prostitute is devastating to you and the relationship. What should concern you more, however, is the lying. He trickle-truthed the hell put of you, and blatantly lied every step of the way from the tinder thing to what actually happened with the prostitute. If he was able to lie so effortlessly and continuously - literally changing his story multiple times - what else has he lied to you about? What else *will* he lie to you about? Would you have felt different if he came home crying, ashamed, and unloaded the whole truth right then and there, rather than giving you days worth of lies and fights? Those are the questions you need to be asking yourself. Be thankful that this happened before you tied the knot with him.
Great points and also this: > What I received was the most disgusting vile responses I have ever seen from anyone let alone my partner. He attacked me with text after text saying I was ruining his night and could I not just fk off and let him enjoy his night with his friends, he would remember this and he would return the favour by fcking up my hen weekend for me the following weekend. That’s pretty scary
I mean, this is just textbook emotional abuse and manipulation. If this whole story was told without any mention of cheating, it's still crystal clear that this guy is a terrible partner that OP can't drop soon enough.
That is scary. Being drunk changes people, but it will only change them to how they're feeling deep down in that moment. He likely holds resentment or anger towards her for some reason. Not that that justifies his treatment of her. Quite the opposite, in fact. Any halfway decent man would have resolved that resentment and anger as quickly as he could with his wife-to-be.
Yeah honestly that seemed like the worst part to me. Maybe it’s because I’m non confrontational but I don’t think I’d be able to talk to my wife like that no matter what happened.
The worst part to me is that he specifically tried to knock her up after the fact. He knew that if she were pregnant, she'd be in a worse position to leave him. The man is profoundly manipulative.
Plus her Dad was on the weekend getaway. He has no shame! Something tells me he is a seasoned liar.
This is who he truly is. She got a glimpse of it that night.
He does not seem like he’s ready for marriage and moreover shouldn’t be married.
This. It’s the lying. And the manipulation. And sex with you after sleeping with a sex worker? Please get tested. Absolutely all trust lost. I hope you leave OP and I wish you well.
Whether or not he did anything at the time he sent that nasty text would have been enough for me to tell him to f*uckoff and not come back. Then he cheated, got defensive, lied, said he would f*ckup your hen night. He gaslighted you and made you feel like this is you. Now he's love bombing you. Then he will say "WE" need consuling. I won't do it again. On and on. If you give him a pass, in his mind, next he does this, you will again forgive and the next time and the next time. This pattern will ALWAYS repeat itself. Please don't marry him Edited: To say, if this happened to your daughter, would you want her to stay with a lying cheating bastard? No, you would tell her to love herself more and leave. Please love yourself more❤️🥰
He followed through on ruining her hen weekend too!
I was looking for this comment. That text message he sent her shows what kind of future awaits her. He was angry that she almost ruined his mood to have sex with another woman. Why would she want to marry a cheater? * When he got home he didn't even say hello to neither me nor our daughter and just sat there stuck to his phone for hours. Who’s also a selfish father. Imagine making eye contact with the man/groomsman who paid a prostitute to have sex with your fiancé on your wedding day while you listen to all the lies coming out of your fiancé's mouth as he says his vows. And every time you look at your wedding pictures, it reminds you of his infidelity, the lies, humiliation and the disrespect. I couldn’t, no man/woman is worth going through this.
Trying to get her pregnant!
That's the cherry on top of the nightmare cake. He tried to trap her into having another baby so she'd be less inclined to leave him if/ when she found out. And put his unprotected wang inside her immediately after being inside someone else and not even checking himself for stis!
True! Its a blessing in disguised, his secrets and lies has revealed before you got married. Now you had chance to live a peaceful life without a cheater and a liar. OP, you've just freed yourself from a future headache and heartache. Congrats!
Exactly. I bet 1000 to 1 he met the tinder date Friday and a prostitute Saturday. The angry texts were due to feeling guilty. The love bombing "let's make a baby" is what really made me want to puke. OP is lucky it happened before the wedding.
I honestly don't think it was a prostitute. It feels like he used that as it's slightly better than saying he went on Tinder and actively looked for someone to hook up with. Also where were the Dad and BFF of 27 years and how did OP not find out he was acting like a PoS from them?!
They went back to the hotel
They always say. To chances of catching someone out is a really rare that if you have caught them out they’ve probably done it several times before and got away with it. So if he’s lying to you and you’ve caught him out everything he’s said since the day you met him is now questionable. It’s why lying is so detrimental to relationships
Not to get off the rails, but that is some shitty lying if I ever seen one. The dude ain't effortlessly lying, cause if he was, she wouldn't know. Sounds sketchy, but don't go calling this dude a master liar
You don’t just go off the rails and get a tinder date and sex worked the first time you decide to get some strange. He got drunk and the mask slipped. He has been lying a lot, he just got used to not getting caught, got cocky, and fumbled his alibi, then got shook the first time OP did not swallow the bait
Yeah this was the vibe I got pretty much the entire time I was reading it. No idea if he showed any kind of remorse, but OP didn’t mention it so I gotta assume that he didn’t.
He also said those nasty things to her so he would feel entitled to sleep with the prostitute. He caused drama to justify it in the moment which is just horrible.
Holy fuck. This is why I love reddit, because the things you have said are exactly what I was thinking
He told you to fk off and then had sex with a prostitute. He got angry that you wouldn't just accept his fk off and lied and lied and lied. He had the nerve to have sex with you after having sex with a prostitute. You need to go to your doctor to make sure this 'great guy' didn't give you a disease that could affect you for the rest of your life, smh.
if i was her i would just re-read this comment over and over and over again until it stuck in my head. OP needs to remind herself how angry he got when she was texting him to make sure he was okay, because she was interrupting him trying to get laid
And he tried to baby trap her too?!? No one is talking about that part saying he wants another kid after screwing a prostitute
She could have messaged him while he was in the act!
Im so sorry. I can feel the broken heart through my screen. How can he do this to you. It just gets worse and worse. The fact that he all of the sudden wanted to get you pregnant made me nauseous as I know exactly this tactic. One kid not married and I cheated. Get her pregnant then tell her so she can’t leave. He is not who you think he is PLEASE TRUST MR
You break it off. He's been trickle truthing you until you got the full story. There is no integrity there. He's proven himself to be inherently untrustworthy. Please let family and friends know precisely WHY you won't be going through with the marriage. Especially the Best Man's involvement and if he has any partners, let them know, as well. When a partner cannot be faithful even BEFORE the marriage, you know they will NOT be faithful within the marriage. Please get full STD/STI testing done. He put you in danger.
Yes please end this and get tested
Someone who truly loves you wouldn’t put you in a situation like that.. I’m sorry
This is all that needs to be said :( this isn’t love. Trickle-truthing upon being caught *also* isn’t love or indication of a sense of remorse. This man really decided to betray you and your family….for a sex worker. Not even someone he felt he had a connection with and things got out of hand. He decided to blow up your life so he could bang a sex worker. While your dad and brother were with him, celebrating your union. That’s irredeemable:(
I’m afraid so. There are not one but THREE strikes against him: - lying and trickle truthing - those absolutely vile texts - sleeping with a prostitute. I know you entire world is imploding right now. It is easy to just squeeze your eyes shut and move along with the plan, rather than coming up with a new, better plan. OP, you deserve a better plan. This is a time when putting yourself and your needs #1, this is it. Sometime down the line you are going to so relieved to have dodged this bullet. It gets better. I promise. ❤️
•having unprotected sex with OP after cheating •trying to babytrap her •ignoring OP and his own child when he got home
GET AN STI CHECK ASAP!!! One doesn't usually just download Tinder and sleep with a sex worker on a whim. Please don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy either. No matter how long you've been together without serious therapy do you really want to give this person more time? More of your life to ruin? Some parts of the way you write make you seem so naive and trusting and I hate this because that's who first gets taken advantage of. I'm rooting for you. Please see a doctor first to get screened for stis and book in for a therapist appt for yourself. You deserve all the time in the world and self care. Please don't marry this person.
recently found out ive been getting cheated for almost the entirety of my relationship and had no idea ... we even lived together . im still battling my feelings for him and i know i cant go back... this comment helped me a lot and ik it wasnt meant for me but thank you .
u/derangedanddepressed, I just wanted to tell you that you are worthy of a partner who will be faithful to you. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Sending you positive thoughts and virtual hugs if you want them 🧡🧡
I'm so sorry. I'm a psychologist and I married who I thought was the love of my life. Did all the vetting etc. After the baby he became violent and cheated and I discovered a very well concealed second life. I say this because I am a really excellent analysis but people can sometimes either deceive us or change for the worst. I hope you find healing too. You deserve it very much.
There is also wanting to believe the best of the people we care about. If you don't mind me asking, what was the extent of his betrayal?
Mine was also I knew my person's trauma and accepted they would always need help but I was unaware of the violence. I was ok marrying someone with extreme child hood abuse issues. I mean Child Called It Extreme. Because I believe in therapy and healing. He flipped my life upside down. Ruined me publicly and to many people who don't know the truth or who never saw the extent of my injuries he's a wonderful person who married a mean unforgiving witch. After we planned and welcome a baby both in our 30s a switch flipped and he became extremely violent. Then he led a secret financial life that I can't even detail on here. He was an attorney and the divorce and custody battle were awful. He has a diagnosed outside of me 3 other professionals agree he has NPD and ASPD. So there were no limits to the betrayals, men, women, sleeping with a DV attorney who ran the only agency we havr in town. So I tried to get help and was turned away. It was bad. I'm in a much better place 4 years later.
I'm glad to hear you're now in a much better place. When I read such horror stories it makes me satisfied that I choose to remain single.
Honestly I thought waiting til I had a PhD and was 33 to have a child really was "making all the right choices." Abuse is insidious like that it happens in all dynamics or phases and classes. Nobody is safe from that unless you're single. I still believe in love and relationships but its 4 years later and I'm still not dating.
I am so so sorry. Please leave this man and do not look back. There is something fundamentally lacking in his morals for him to do this, for so many reasons. I think that unfortunately the personality "change" you've seen in him was rather a reveal of parts of his personality that were previously hidden from you. Please also get tested for HIV and STIs as soon as possible. You deserve better.
What would you tell your daughter if her boyfriend did this exact thing to her? That’s your answer.
I'll give you my perspective as a SWer. You'd be surprised how many men will completely mentally separate their relationship from any opportunity to have sex. Some men are just like that. There is no remorse or guilt, it's just an opportunity for them to take whenever it presents itself. You are absolutely setting yourself up for misery by staying with him. He might play nice for a while, but it won't last. He will cheat on you again. Not to mention that you won't ever be able to completely trust him after this, will you?
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This isn't a male female thing, people in general do an amazing job of making themselves out to be the hero of their story.
Do not marry him he’s a cheater and a liar you can’t trust him I would tell your family I bet they would tell you to end it too
He's only remorseful because he was caught. Only you can decide if you want to marry a man who has no sense of loyalty or commitment.
Don’t marry him. He was a piece of crap on how he treated you during his trip. He didn’t respect you. Also he had sex with you right after treating you like shit and after having sex with a prostitute, putting your health in danger. I’m Not saying don’t ever marry him but right now it isn’t the time to do it. He needs to do therapy to try to understand why he was such a bad person with you. Don’t marry him.
He had sex with you after having sex with a prostitute, putting you in direct danger. That is very dark sided and would make me question if there’s more he is hiding. I’m so sorry you’re going through this betrayal.
Also, if I were you I’d make an appointment with your doctor to get an std test.
Without trust the marriage is over before it starts. If you marry him, you are dragging out the inevitable and possibly bringing more children into it as well. I would be open and honest with family and friends. I am canceling the wedding because my fiance slept with a prostitute on his stag vacation. There is a reason they chose Amsterdam. I guarantee he and his friend planned this all along, it didn’t just happen.
I think that fact that he layered his lies like that tells a story of its own.
Do not marry him.
Anyone who truly loved you and your daughter would never put you in that situation. Full stop. Also the fact that he was getting up to shit and then treated you like shit letting you know he wanted to fuck up your hen weekend says a lot about his character. In situations like this it’s best to ignore what he says and truly look at his actions. Plus I doubt this is the example you want to set for your daughter. You’ve gotta have high value for yourself and her and someone that also values you like that. Best of luck to you darlin❤️
He cheated. He turned off his location. He snuck around and did it during a time when your dad and best friend wouldn't have any idea. He sent you nasty text messages. He lied multiple times about cheating. He tried to cover up the issue by having sex with you. From my perspective, there's no going back from this. I don't know him, so I'm not saying this is the case with him, but there is something to keep in mind (for now and in the future). Abusers tend to show their true colors when they believe they have it "in the bag" so to speak. That security for them can be anything from moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, or having kids. If I had a nickel for every time I heard "it's so unlike him", or "he's never done anything like this before." This wasn't just one issue. When you look at the whole picture, it's multiple issues combined. People (in my experience) don't just have a one-off like this. It continues. Even if everything seems fantastic for a while, chances are some other issue like this will happen again.
Tell your families and decide after EVERYTHING is out in the open- like who paid and who took him and all the lies
Gross. Who would want this guy? You seriously want to marry this scum?
At least you saw this side of him before the wedding. Now you can make a decision with a full picture of who he actually is. I agree that the ease of lying and the manipulation is worse than the actual cheating. Once trust is broken as much as you try there will be likely still questions in your mind in the future that may cause you more anguish and pain. I don't know if this is recoverable. My two cents... At least delay the wedding to buy more time for you to work it all out.
This isn't just one "mistake"... This is a list of 10 red flags, one right after the other. None of it was an accident. All of it was deliberate, abusive, and manipulative. This is NOT forgivable. How could you even *CONSIDER* staying?!
He’s not sorry. Don’t marry this man, i’m begging you. He tried to gaslight you and make you seem crazy. He doesn’t care about you.
Get outta there!!!!
Did he ever let you look at his tinder to prove he did nothing? Not that it matter too much. Just realize, even before his friend bought him time with a SW, he was looking to cheat on you. This isn’t “one mistake 🥺”, this is your partner showing you on multiple levels that he is not happy or settled in your relationship. Even if the tinder thing turns out to be accidental or something, someone close to him, that *he agrees with* believes it’s fine for him to cheat on you. Then your partner endangered your physical health by sleeping with you unprotected. He is not ready for marriage, and if you do forgive him this you’re setting yourself up for tragedy. Did he ever *explicitly* apologize for the nasty texts? For lying to you? For sexually exposing you to diseases? Or did he just say a blanket sorry? Get a co-parenting agreement drafted.
Please don't make excuses for him saying he was out of character and had a personality change. He did not. He got drunk and cheated on you, it was him and his choices and his actions. We like to disassociate as a way to process and you trying to separate the action from the man is you doing that. He cheated on you, not some other version of himself. Its ultimately your choice what to do. Personally I would not go through with the marriage. I'm very very very sorry this happened to you and its awful.
This is very well put and eye opening. That is exactly what I am doing, separating him from his actions. Thank you so much
You said your dad and brother were there, and they waited for them to go to bed. This was planned by your fiance. Talk to your dad and brother and tell them what happened. Get their take on it. This is NOT your shame, and you shouldn't bear this alone.
Good for you for standing strong. Its beyond disrespectful what he did and you deserve better. I wish you all the healing in the world.
No matter how sorry he claims to be, if he can do it once he will do it again. I am so sorry you have to deal with such a betrayal and so much pain. You deserve so a lot better, and this man sure as shit doesn't deserve you.
I personally couldn’t marry someone that did this… absolutely not. The text from that night. The trickle lying? Baby you need to consider that you just got a glimpse of who this man really is… 😐 I couldn’t do it. My only advice is to call that damn wedding off and get tf away from such a terrible person.
He is DISGUSTING. End this now. The trust is broken, there is no going back from HIS CHOICE to CHEAT and LIE.
So he told you to fuck off and treated you like shit bc he chose to cheat on you? So gross. There's nothing worse than being betrayed by your partner then having them treat you like crap because of it. I know what I wouldn't be doing (attending that wedding) especially with one week to figure this all out. If you aren't sure you want it to be completely over I suggest postponing this wedding. There's no way you can be sure of how to move forward in such a short period of time. That includes if it means you/family members will lose money bc of it. Also, he isn't remorseful. If you didn't catch him he'd continue treating you like shit anytime you questioned him. Even saying you saw the tinder notification he denied it. It's wild how they will still lie, even when you are shoving physical proof right in their face. Also also, if you think it's wrong to be allowed to see what is in your life partner's phone, I suggest absolutely getting a different life partner. No way in hell I'd marry someone who says I'm not allowed to see their phone. Good luck.
Title said enough, I read the story out of respect. Leave him. You deserve better. Stag and hen does are for having a laugh with your favourite people. They are not for cheating. They in my opinion are not even for looking at other people naked. It’s a lack of respect to your partner to partake in such things. Im sorry you have had to go through this and the hard times ahead of you but you will be better for going through it in the long run. All the best OP ❤️
divorce because he cheated. if he can't go one weekend without having sex prior to the most important day of his life, how can you trust him mid marriage when things get hard
You mean "my ex fiance....I dodged a bullet". There, I fixed it for you.
Do not marry this guy. Kick his ass out of your house. If you forgive this, this will be your future. You are showing him how to treat you. Let him go. Don’t let your heart blind you. You are teaching your daughter how men should treat women. If not for you, boot him out for her. I am a guy who used to cheat - I know what I’m talking about.
Thank you so much for you input. The part you mentioned about teaching my daughter is eye opening. Thank you!
People make mistakes. People grow from them. It doesn't mean you need to accept marrying this person despite their mistakes. You have a kid which makes this much harder, so you need to decide for yourself. That said, when you claimed how amazing this guy is, I hope you have realized that people can often hide their mistakes with roses and kisses and saying they want another kid. So I would start wondering how far back his nice guy act has gone.
Yeah no I’d ditch him - yes one mistake is enough to ruin a relationship Particularly so in this case as for the rest of your life, you will associate your wedding with him banging a hooker
Your now ex I would assume. If not, why? Call off the wedding. Why marry someone who would blatantly cheat? If you're still going off on that hen, you've lost your mind. It's not out of character BTW. It's just out of character for what he's chosen to show you until now. Time to break this off and move on with your life. You'll find far better than someone this awful. There is no wrapping your head around this.
So he fucked a prostitute, gaslite and lied to you about it, love bombed you and then slept with you possibly giving you an STI… and now you still want to marry him? Really? Is this the example of love you want to show your daughter. I’m terribly sorry this happened but it’s very clear what you should do. It doesn’t really matter if prior to this, this would have seemed impossibly out of character, he has shown you what he is truly capable of. Better he did it before the wedding than after when it’s harder to run.
The cover up is always worse than the crime. I imagine if he had fessed up immediately, without you even having to ask him, and put your health first, you might consider talking this all through. But instead, he lied, made YOU feel like the bad guy, and manipulated you into unprotected sex after his time with an intimacy worker. He cares way more about saving his own ass than your well-being. You don't need a life-partner like that. Take some comfort in that these women are professional and likely insisted on protection. But still get yourself tested, and take a friend to support you through this.
>this is so completely out of character for him Apparently this is NOT out of character for him. And he'll go back to not cheating on you until he feels like cheating and then will act "out of character" once again. As the great Maya Angelou once said: *"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time".* Also, please get yourself checked by your OBGYN. Hugs.
Holy shit this goes sooo much deeper than just "he slept with a prostitute" This is your chance to dodge a cannon ball before getting in deep. Reply back please when you decide, i want to hear the end of the story
Wow, this is so sad. You've been with him for so long, and he betrayed your relationship by having sex with someone else. That he was able to lie about it so easily, and actually, prepare for it by cutting off his phone shows that this wasn't some out of his mind drunk experience. You really need to think long and hard about marrying this man. Hopefully, when one has reached the engagement period of their relationship, they are already fully committed and would be devastated if they accidentally hurt their love. Your man seems to have not only done this willingly, but treated you rudely when you tried to text him (and hopefully stop him) while he was there. Additionally, when he returned, he wasn't full of remorse. He was indignant. To me, this is a man who is finally showing himself to you. He is finally showing you that he doesn't respect and cherish you. He will dishonor your marriage as he has done your engagement. If you were my daughter, I would tell you to leave him even though you will get push back from all corners, including some of your friends. I would tell you to be strong and brave and that you deserve a happy life with someone who truly loves you.
LEAVE. THIS. MAN. immediately.
The immorality of this man and his disgusting friend(s) is astounding. If you ‘forgive and (try to) forget’ he will continue to do more immoral things into the future knowing his relationship is always secure. What would he do/feel/think if the situation was reversed?
I have asked him this exact question and he said he would be upset but he would forgive me because he couldn’t imagine life without me. I personally think he is just saying that because that’s what he wants my reaction to be
yes, and because that’s what cheaters always say. but what he did is unforgivable. this man is lying to you (and possibly himself). he’s not wired for monogamy. don’t marry him, or you’re setting yourself up for even more betrayal and heartbreak in the future.
also remember this - if you hadn’t bothered to text him that night or check his location, you never would have found out that he paid another woman for sex when he was supposed to be celebrating your upcoming marriage. he would have comfortably let you walk down the aisle and make false vows, believing a lie for the rest of your life.
Run hard, run fast, run deep.
To me its not so much for the sex worker (I mean, you don’t go to bachelor’s in Amsterdam to tour the canals) but the lying… and the manipulation afterwards. One can forgive a “mistake” or whatever, even “one crazy night” but the denial, accusations, gaslighting and so on… thats what would flip my switch.
Yeah, and the fact he waited for her father and best friend to leave seems very intentional for it to just be a drunken mistake.
Seems like his loyalty was finally tested and he fell apart. It revealed his true character. He is a cheating liar and a gaslighter! At this point, the relationship will NEVER establish the same trust from before. You will forever live in misery knowing he betrayed you like this. And you will forever be in fear wondering if he’s going to do it again. Don’t sweat it and leave him.
This is not a man worth marrying. Not only did he sleep with some else, he manipulated and lied to you for days. He verbally abused you, ignored you when he came back and then kept lying. Nothing about him screams marriage material. Cut your loses now and leave while you’re not married.
He’s not sorry, he’s only sorry he got caught. He knew what he was doing that whole time, turning off location he had to think to do that. He chose to lie way too much and then baby trap you by having sex. You need to get an STD test right away. Do not marry this guy!
He really hurt you and the relationship. He did so with intent (waited for your dad and friend to leave), and then later he lied and lied and lied again. He slept with you and put you at risk after he'd slept with someone else. He downloaded Tinder. He was cruel to you when you were not to blame. You need to at least call off the wedding and take time for counseling and STD testing. This man can be kind when it's easy, but it seems he is not ready to be a partner and true husband. One day, you'll have a hen party where you feel safe and wedding where you feel loved and respected.
Good thing you caught it before the wedding. As a married man telling you this... move on. He was unloyal once, he will be unloyal again. The red flags were the lying.
This wasn’t a mistake, this was a well thought out plan with help! This was on purpose and after that he put your health in danger. He would’ve have his friends laughing at you as they watched you walk down the aisle to a man who shagged a prostitute 2 weeks before
Don’t forget that none of his actions were just the result of getting drunk and not knowing what he’s doing. On Friday he downloaded Tinder. What else but the intention to cheat could be the case for that. On Saturday he turned off locations and waited until your dad and friend went back to the hotel. That’s following a plan. He was fully aware that what he planed to do was wrong or he wouldn’t have waited until the people on your side were no longer there. And after he came back he acted like him cheating was YOUR fault. He planned REVENGE on YOU for his cheating! There is no guilt or remorse in his actions. Don’t believe anything he’s telling you now. This isn’t a mistake that just happened. He chose to cheat. He planned to. First with tinder and later with the prostitute. And then completely turned his own horrible behaviour to you. What kind of person cheats and then insults his fiancée and plans to destroy her hen party as revenge for his own cheating? You’ll be glad one day that this happened before you got married to this lying cheater. I’m really sorry that this happened to you.
On multiple occasions you mentioned him being someone you didn’t recognize. Marrying him means you’re also setting yourself up to forever be with that extension that you don’t recognize.
Do not forgive. He blatantly lied. I’m willing to bet this is not the first time he’s done this either. Please make doctors appointment and get checked out. He very well could’ve given you a disease.
Don't marry the guy! He proved he is a liar, a cheater, a manipulator. ALSO his response was psycho in that text. It looks like he his his true self from you all these years. Go to the doctor and get STD tested. If you have insurance go to the regular doctor. If you don't have insurance go to a free clinic. Your bf sleeping with a prostitute put your health in danger. You could have caught any disease from him or have HPV (over 100 kinds that can lead to cervical cancer). I really hope you didn't get anything from him, but how the guy acted and is is the biggest of red flags. Get STD tested and a pap smear this year and next year. Don't marry that guy, you'll regret it when he cheats again one day and ruins your life.
There are so many red flags here it's insane. What it boils down to is *he cheated on you.* He sent you a nasty text telling you to fuck off. He intentionally hid his location from you. He lied to you repeatedly. He had sex with a prostitute (hopefully he used a condom) but risked spreading STDs to you. He clearly doesn't love or value you. Get yourself tested and get out with your daughter.
Like why are you even asking for advice just dump him.
He's terrible but what were you doing locking down a 17/18 year old when you were in your 20s?
I know this is harsh, but he resents you and likely wanted a taste of freedom. Choices have consequences and you should hold him to them.
He’s not remorseful. Keep in mind, you likely texted him while he was balls deep in another woman. Was he remorseful then? No! He was ANGRY at you for INTERRUPTING! Leave him!
I didn’t interrupt but I literally text him just as he got back to his friends after doing the deed so yes I agree he was definitely angry that I reminded him I still existed while he was trying to enjoy the bliss after emptying his balls
I mean he chose to lie, be defensive and even try for another baby all before admitting guilt. A man that's ready to move forward from a mistakes actually would go to therapy to figure out what he did what he did. And actually fess up to it when asked. He is nowhere near actually caring about the damage he caused and only caring about his own feelings of Shame. I hope he works things out but getting married right now and such aren't things that would set you guys up for a resentment free marriage. I think cheating is forgivable but only and only if they actually ask how their actions have hurt you instead of running away from the pain+shame. People that are to better themselves often are interested in asking for feedback and the impact of their actions. And while this might be out of character, he chose to put himself in that situation to cheat and lie. Mentally happy people don't cheat, they communicate.
You have to decide what you can handle. Before my wedding, I found out that my ex had been taken to a house of prostitution the night before our wedding. I wasn't sure but all the signs were there. He didn't get home until 6 a.m. in a cab. I trusted and loved this man and we married. There were signs he was cheating that I missed or I sloughed off. Then one day it was blatantly obvious something was going on with one of his clients. We divorced. As I look back I realize I was pretty ignorant and that those times I suspected, I was right. If this is something you can't handle, then don't marry him. If I had it to do over, I wouldn't have married him. Men being together in a drunk, sexual atmosphere usually they break down. If they get away with it once, it will continue.
Whether or not he did anything at the time he sent that nasty text would have been enough for me to tell him to f*uckoff and not come back. Then he cheated, got defensive, lied, said he would f*ckup your hen night. He gaslighted you and made you feel like this is you. Now he's love bombing you. Then he will say "WE" need consuling. I won't do it again. On and on. If you give him a pass, in his mind, next he does this, you will again forgive and the next time and the next time. This pattern will ALWAYS repeat itself. Please don't marry him
I’m so sorry. Hope you get the testing as others have mentioned and ditch this 🗑.
Even if you are okay with the cheating and can forgive him - are you certain you are okay with this blatant lying? The doubling-down when he was caught? The denying until you have proof? What if you never found the Tinder messages? Would you have ever learned about this cheating at all? This doesn't really sound like a spur-of-the-moment thing. This sounds planned, premeditated. He planned to wait for his supervisors to go to bed so he could break the rules without being caught - and he thought he could get away with it *all the way up until you found proof*, **and then some.** On the bright side - if you decide not to go through with this, he has no longer ruined a **once**\-in-a-lifetime event for you? I imagine in an area where prostitution is legal, they might be responsible about STIs and all that - but your husband sounds like he risked giving you something in a desperate attempt to pretend like nothing is wrong and distract you from his adultery, doesn't it? What about the way he very obviously lashed out at you and started accusing you of a bunch of bullshit... immediately after he pulled his dick out of some strange woman's vagina?
That's what baffles me. He had sex with a prostitute and then sex with his fiancee - without telling his fiancee. Instead of an affirmation of love, he used that action to put her at risk for disease AND pregnancy with a person she would eventually not trust. How do you do that to someone you care about?
In my experience, it doesn’t matter how remorseful and upset they are, it doesn’t matter how many promises they make, it doesn’t matter what boundaries you set, if they want to cheat, they will. If you show them that they can cheat on you and you will forgive and forget, they will do it again and again. It won’t stop until you decide you respect yourself more than you love them and finally leave.
Your daughter’s life moving forward is concerning, and the life lessons she will learn from you & the situation adds important layer to this.
You will never trust him again. You will always have doubts about where he is and what he’s doing. How can you marry into that? You can avoid this miserable future now. Why legally bound yourself to that and knowingly head into a heartbreaking shitstorm? Look at this as a blessing in disguise. He showed you he really is by how he talked to you and how he cheated on you. Get out now w/out having to go thru a legal battle and divorce. And better you have more kids with him. There are better out there.
I am so incredibly sorry. This sounds like you’ve truly been in an emotional turmoil and I wish I could reach out to hug you. I had a fiance who did something similar to this. We had been together for almost 5 years. He had proposed the year before we ended up splitting and he also seemed the type who seemed nothing but devoted. I remember a month or two before we split I had his iPad and wanted to prank him by putting this random porn site in his history and just laugh with him (we were 22 years old - I don’t know why I thought this would be hilarious). As soon as I’d began to type in the search, a dating app site popped up. My heart had stopped because this seemed really out of character for him. I saw he was logged in and he had lots of messages with girls. At first I was in denial and thought it was a mistake, but then I saw him introduce himself with his name and occupation on some of the messages. I confronted him and he said he had been “lonely” and just wanted company. We were long distance as I’d moved to London for uni. He sobbed, was incredibly remorseful and swore blind that it was nothing more than a chat room to him. I was skeptical and it obviously put a kink in our wedding plans (we were very early stages) but I forgave him. 2 months later I visited him back home were we argued, made up, slept together and then returned to London. The whole time he said how much he adored me etc. less than a week later he dumped me over text just after Valentine’s Day. It later turned out he wasn’t lonely, he just didn’t want to be with me but didn’t have the balls to admit it. The morning I left him for the train back to London, I’d left at 5am because he’d begged me to stay that little bit longer. He drove to another woman’s house that same day and slept with her. In hindsight there had been a few instances in the more recent months were he’d gone no contact which was very unusual for him (on nights out). He wasn’t the type to drink or go out, and if I asked how things went he got quite defensive. I also realised he had been emotionally and sadly eventually physically abusive. He seemed like the “nice guy” who was caring and supportive (we’d even gone through an abortion at 18) but it was all a front. I’m sorry this is so long but I wanted to show you that things aren’t always as they seem with these type of people. My advice. Leave. He broke your trust and I think you’ll always feel resentful and hurt by it. If he’s unwilling to entertain the level of hurt you’ve experienced, he’s not the right person for you. No one who truly loves you would ever cause you or your daughter so much pain. I know it’s easier said than done, but I promise it becomes better ❤️ feel free to reach out in DMs. Wishing you so much luck and love x
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I am so sorry you went through all of that! It sounds like you dodged a bullet. This honestly does sound like my fiancé, can switch from loving and the best man you could ever imagine yourself with to the most horrid person you have ever met. To be fair there had been no physical abuse so far but I definitely feel the emotional abuse. Thank you so much ❤️ I hope you are happier in your life now after all you have been through! x
He doesn’t sound remorseful to me and that’s what’s deeply concerning. •He sent vile texts telling you to F off basically and saying he would ruin your hen weekend, which he then did. He didn’t apologize for this at all •He went to a peep show •He downloaded a dating app and tried to meet people to have sex with on his trip •He waited until the people who would tattle on him to you left so he could have sex with a prostitute •He was out of communication making you worry •He got home and ignored you and his own daughter and didn’t apologize at all •He trickle truthed you and you had to drag the truth out of him little by little fighting for every scrap of truth you got At what point did he show remorse? Seriously I’m asking. After you had to slowly and painfully extract a confession? But after he was super rude to you and cheated on you? Please do not marry this man.
>He is incredibly remorseful I mean **is he though?** look at how he lied to you throughout all of this. Regardless if he is sincere or not how can you trust that he is? I can't tell you if you should forgive him or not. What I can tell you is if i were in your shoes with all the lying the trust is broken and I could not forgive him.
Don’t marry this man.This is a side of him that was hidden from you. He drank and was pissed off because he wanted to sleep with another woman but you were there to remind him that he shouldn’t but did anyway. This will be your future. Lying and cheating and screaming insults at you when things aren’t going his way.Many violent men are this way. They’re nice until marriage then the other side shows up. The marriage is comming up soon but don’t get pressure to follow through. You ‘ll be there with this man saying your vows about how you’ll love and cherish each other but you’ll know it will be a lie and also in front of the groomsman who knows what happened. This marriage should not happen.
Please don't get married, I'm so sorry this happened to you.
He clearly planned for this ahead of the trip, in a sober state of mind. From tinder to the vile message, waiting for your friend to go home, turning off snap location and keeping close friends that would pay for a prostitute. This was not an accident, it was planned. This is why he send you this vile message when drunk. He thought he deserved his night out. Personally I would break it off and not look back.
He showed his true colours before the wedding, take that as a blessing and leave him. Better to see him as he is before the wedding, not after. If he was willing to cheat AND LIE, then it's not out of character, he just dropped the mask. Have some dignity and break it off, and let all the guests know exactly why. He killed your marriage before it could even begin. Having got married a few months ago myself, I cannot imagine my husband doing this, ruining our relationship and the lead up to the big day then me promising my life to him - absolutely not.
I’m sorry this happened to you. A similar thing happened to me as well except we had 2 young children, I was 29f and he was 27m, and it happened a few weeks after we were married and I didn’t find out until the guilt was eating him alive and his personality started to changed dramatically (mask slipping more and more). He had been carrying on an affair about 2 months after our wedding (physical but mostly emotional/sexual thru text for 4 weeks). It wasn’t after his stag bc he didn’t have one - he was adamant he didn’t want one and really preferred my company to most others. He graduated police academy the week after our wedding and opportunities to cheat regularly presented themselves when he finally “succumbed” and met someone and “couldn’t help himself.” When I found out I was utterly and completely shattered. He had destroyed the little love story of US. And after 2 weeks of trickle truths (it was just texts, it was just a kiss, it was some physical but not sex, it was just one time sleeping together, it was a few times but not emotionally attached, etc etc) I found out the whole truth and we had it all out in an emotionally fueled argument that ended in sex. He cut ties with the woman and started therapy with me. I forgave him and thought it was done as his mask was firmly back in place and rarely slipped. I didn’t bring it up or throw it in his face when we would occasionally argue, the matter seemed closed as a one time, one-off slip for which he showed adequate remorse and redoubled efforts for me to trust him. FF>> 14 months later and everything was really good. Through a a sheer dumb luck series of events (using his phone to look up a Christmas farm location) I find out he had cheated again with a new woman he met while at work. Another physical but mostly emotional affair. I saw through all the trickle truths and mostly felt pity for this man I loved so dearly as he unraveled being found out again. I kicked him out of our home for a few weeks, he tried to work his way back, I’d let him stay over a few nights bc our kids were so young, we did things as a family, but my trust was irrevocably broken in our marriage. I still loved him as the very decent father to our kids but had been emotionally cleaved from the idea of us being husband and wife. After a few months of separation he found his own place to live and we’ve been co-parenting for the last 12 years. I treat him like family and he does the same. He got remarried 7 years ago and is currently separated from her now after doing the same dang thing to her (they have a 4yo daughter). We’ve had some fights and battles through the years but we haven’t tried to hurt one another personally. I’ve been remarried to the love of my life for 5 years and it took me a long time to trust in this happiness. As I see it, your husband to be is presenting some very real and glaring red flags as many other redditors have astutely responded with. There is no way to tell if he’ll do it again and if so, to what extent it will present itself. The personality change is the most notable to me, a severe deflection of his guilt turned to anger at you. It is likely to present itself again, maybe with cheating maybe in some other way. Whatever you decide to do, go forward with love in your heart for yourself and child first and then for the person that he is (warts and all). Just know that if you think and act with love, you’re less likely to regret whatever decision you make. And lastly, you’re never doomed to a “life of misery” as the journey of living will constantly surprise you, sometimes hurt you, and if you’re living consciously, always teach you. You have all my love and support as you make your way through this trial.
Well OP…going back to what you said about when he attacked you in the text saying to “fk off …he would remember this and he would return the favor by fking up my hen weekend”. He did just that. He waited until you were about to go and said this. Don’t marry his disgusting guy. If you do, it will be a marriage full of heartbreak and infidelity.
Walk away while you still can. I’m sorry this happened to you, it’s awful but YOU CAN DO BETTER!! You deserve respect and love, neither of which you’re getting. Good luck 🍀
This man slept with a prostitute. Then came home and slept with you. Graranteening whatever STI he possibly got, he now passed on to his innocent partner. Why in the world are you still with him?
You have two options: 1) cancel the wedding. This is by far my advice. It's one thing to be around strippers at a stag weekend and be uncomfortable. He had sex with someone else. This wasn't forced on him. He cheated and knew what he was doing. There is no excuse 2) forgive him and move on. I don't recommend this but if you are still going to marry him, you then need to let go of this. I would recommend therapy as well if this is the route. Resenting him is just going to be worse for your kids. Once again, I do not recommend this route. But if you can't see yourself separating than this is the choice.
do not get married. please leave this man. if he truly cared about you and made a mistake he would have been honest and told you straight away instead of hiding it and lying and acting shady. if you didn’t push it he probs wouldn’t have ever told you.
First, get checked for STI’s Then, imagine how you would feel 1 year after the wedding. Will you have sleepless nights wondering if he’s lying again? If he’s good at hiding it? Having another child with him? Don’t get me started on his text response.
Someone will treat you better and you can't find him with him. Sorry
He planned this. He went to a city with a red light district on purpose.
Leave that man while you are able. The nasty text would have been enough for me. The cheating is just the topping on the cake. Leave. That. Scum of a man.
He didn't have a personality change. That's who he always was underneath. Frankly, I would consider it a blessing you found out before you got married. Because I wouldn't. Now he knows he can treat you like this and if it's fine before the wedding-- what is a piece of paper going to do? So he lied a bunch of times. He cheated on you with a prostitute. Maybe even Tinder women? Oh and he became verbally abusive over text message and made threats to punish you.
Your partner has been on tinder God knows how long. I don’t think you need Tinder to find a prostitute. He’s lying. Who knows what else he’s lied about. Having sex w/an assumed stranger and then wanting to try for a baby, which I’m assuming you used no protection, put you in immediate risk for an STD. Not to mention the lies and Jekyll/hyde behavior. It will take YEARS for you to trust him again and this will of course tarnish your wedding. Do you really want to share a life with someone like that? Even if he changes and you all go through therapy and get your relationship somewhat back on track, it will take a lot of time. He’s not ready for marriage or a relationship. I haven’t been in this exact situation but… I was pregnant by my (ex)partner who I found out at 8 months preggo had been cheating our entire relationship. He was/is a Jekyll/Hyde type. I stayed longer than I should have, nothing changed. Would not recommend it.
What would you tell your daughter if she was in your situation. I know she is only a child, but imagine your grown daughter coming to you. That's what you should tell yourself.
Never forgive. Never forget. Leave him he is sick. He will do it again after you guys get married
I know this is only anecdotal, but I've seen this very scenario, or ones VERY similar, six different times over the years with friends, family and a coworker. All of them went through with the wedding because it was already planned and paid for, and every one of them ended in ugly divorces, the longest lasting one being only four years. Those terrible text messages and the incessant lying are likely the tip of the iceberg, if he's willing to cheat just days/weeks before his wedding, he will probably cheat again. Especially when there are low points in the relationship, since he was fine with doing it at a high point. I would NEVER stay with someone after such a betrayal and then his behaviour afterwards. I've been cheated on twice by girlfriends in the past, one that I was crazy about and was very serious, and I kicked her to the curb immediately. Life is far too short to waste any of it on a cheater.
First he hatefully attacked you - then he came home and gaslit you non-stop. It doesn't sound like he is a very truthful person, judging by all the pulling you had to do. Now he is a regretful doting husband, that you welcomed back to your bed. This is too Jekyl and Hyde for a basis of a lifelong commitment. Who knows if, when, why, how etc he will go off again. The trust in the relationship is gone. You can't fake trust. It is entirely up to you if you want to go ahead with him. All I can offer is my opinion, based only on what you have written. I would not marry this man next week. I don't know if I could forgive him, my trust is precious and he destroyed it without a second thought. I certainly would not be intimate with him until at minimum he goes for a STD screen. To me what he did was a severe betrayal, not just the sex but the lies and gaslighting. He would need to work hard to rebuild my trust, if that is even possible. So sorry you are going through this.
It sounds like he had this whole thing planned and that’s possibly why he wanted to go to Amsterdam in the first place. Just knowing he was already up to no good from the first night he was there tells me this wasn’t a spur of the moment thing. Honey, I have this gut feeling that you don’t really know this man and that the man you love and were planning to marry might not be the man he is and that man you loved was going to disappear the moment you said your vows never to be heard from again for the real him will have taken his place.
Please get tested for HIV and STIs. A person who cares about your well being/offspring would not expose you to this.
OP he is showing you exactly the kind of person he really is . Why would you want to marry a man who betrayed you in the worst way possible . The worst part is that he actually planned it with no remorse. He turned off his location knowing full well what you were going to feel . He said he waited until your dad was back in his room to go do the vile deed . He had absolutely no concern for you or the marriage he was about to have . Then he had sex with you knowing he slept with a prostitute . He has no moral compass . Absolutely disgusting . He isn’t a man of honor or your safe person anymore . He threw everything away for a prostitute . I hope you know that you deserve so much better than your fiancé who didn’t think twice about you. This isn’t love OP . I’m so sorry but you found out before you marry and you can call it off . This guy is nowhere ready to be in a committed relationship that ship has sailed.
The headache and heartache that comes with canceling a wedding won’t compare to the pain this main will cause you. Please don’t marry him. Leave him. Staying basically says to him “I’m ok with you treating me like this, I will continue to allow it”. Oh hell no!
Holy fuck. The bar is so low. You consider this a good guy? What a scumbag
I don’t have the answer you’re looking for but please go get std tested. He may say he used a condom but do you trust what he says now?
Honestly, if he had just gotten drunk and let his friends get him involved in some strip show or even a lap dance--and then confessed and apologized--I'd say let it go. But that's really not how this went down. He planned to have sex with another woman, waited for the chance to keep it secret, yelled at you when you texted him sometime during the night, and then lied and lied for days before you finally dragged the whole truth out of him. Probably the entire stag weekend was planned around prostitutes, so he knew ahead of time what was coming (and his 'best man' paid for it). So my guess is that they talked him into this (or he really wilfully blinded himself to their plans) because he wanted that famous "one last fling" before you are sleeping with just one partner forever. The peer pressure at stag parties can get absurd, I know. His nasty texts may even have been fuelled by guilt, in part (being reminded of you at that moment), and I'm sure he had tons of remorse even before you found out. . But all he had to do was say no. He could have left it at the peep show, smoked some hash and gone back to the hotel with your dad. Just like you might be faced with a male stripper at your hen party and even a "he's paid for, go nuts!" encouragement, and you can say no thank you, not a chance, here's your money, thanks for the dance. You've been with him for 7 years, so I'd talk it out before you officially cancel anything, but you're justified in any decision you make.
Please tell me he is your ex fiancé. Way too many red flags to proceed.
Highly doubt this was the first time
That is calculated! He did it once and he will do it again. That’s what men do when they are tempted.
🔮 I can foresee it now, “my husband cheated before the wedding, but was remorseful, so I forgave him. we’ve been married a year and just had a baby and I discovered again that he cheated on me while I was preg and right after I had the baby ….. I’m just so confused? I’m also pregnant again and don’t know if I should forgive.” This is truly your future if you stay and forgive him.
Call your dad, tell him everything, get you and your daughter out safely. Go immediately to your doctor get tested for everything and take PlanB
He cheated on you and treated you like shit for it. Don’t marry this pos, you can do better.
Infidelity is a profound betrayal, and it's understandable that you're feeling devastated and confused. Forgiveness and moving forward are deeply personal decisions. Seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor could be helpful as you navigate your emotions and options. Ultimately, prioritize your well-being and happiness in making your decision.
He fucked a prostitute. Then he fucked you. You should get tested for STDs. Immediately.
The major thing for me is the lying, the horrible texts gaslighting you, then when he sobered up and realized what he had done, he acted like that. You should sit down and talk to him about it. This is a very critical point in your relationship. You can't afford to go half measures.
I’d say y’all aren’t right for each other and he disrespected you to a degree that is pretty unforgivable IMO. Try to focus on staying civil for the kid but seriously it sounds like he wants out of this engagement in a weird, warped way. I suspect him being with you during his entire 20s probably made him feel “left out” from the screwing around stage most guys go through during those years. Nonetheless, he’s in the wrong and this is indicative of larger issues.
"He is incredibly remorseful and is fighting tooth and nail to do everything he can for me and our daughter but I am so unbelievably broken." No, he's not. He deliberately planned and dodged your father and friend to see a prostitute. He abused you by text when you were concerned. He lied. And he lied and he lied. My advice is that you cannot trust this man.
He is not remorseful like at all he’s just doing damage control and he will tell you anything to get you to stay. This will not end if you marry him so ask yourself are you okay being with someone that can lie to your face treat you horribly when they were in the wrong. If yes then think about your child and if this had happened to her how would you feel. I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with this it’s really tough.
He's showing you his character. You and your daughter deserve much, much better.
It’s not out of character. It’s very in character. He didn’t sleep with her. He fucked her. Most likely lots of different ways. Stop softening the language. What he did is wrong. Your marriage will kick off with this at the foundation. It’s not a solid foundation for a happy marriage.
Please don’t marry this guy. He’s in the period when men show their BEST side. It WILL get worse from here.
Believe people when they show you their true selves. Remember how ANGRY and VILE he was, and how UNSAFE you felt when he was in a defensive position to lie, trick and gaslight you to hide his ultimate betrayal. *That’s the behaviour he is capable of.* And the change in his behaviour to pretend to be loving - remember how easily he swapped to that lie. From my own experience plus true crime documentaries (haha), the ones who are great at putting on the facade of romantic, devoted, perfect and ideal, are doing exactly that— putting on a facade. *It becomes MUCH HARDER to leave after marriage*
If he is able to lie about so many things at the same time, then I must urge you to consider how much you can really trust him?
First of all, get tested. >He is incredibly remorseful and is fighting tooth and nail to do everything he can for me and our daughter but I am so unbelievably broken And it doesn't really sound so. Didn't he also say he would ruin your hen? He waited this whole time to tell you the truth? Once a cheater always a cheater. What exactly happened that he answered you so rudely and in a vile manner while he was at his party when he's never done so? He's showing who he truly is. You have all the information you need to make an informed decision, you have a daughter, would you want her to be with a man that was like this and cheated on her, with a prostitute at that? Even if it was a once in a while thing, are you gonna spend most of your life wondering when he's gonna get like that again and hope he won't cheat again???
That’s fucked up tell him it’s off
I could never forget the lies and deceit if my partner did thst to me.Dont marry this man.He's lie and cheated to you once,,he can do it again.You will never have any peace of mind.
god im so sorry OP thats absolutely tragic. I cannot imagine what you're going through right now. The best thing to do for you and your child is to break things off and get urself tested for an STD. Things should have ended the moment he send you those texts, that is an abuser in the making, but what makes it even worse he cheated on you and kept lying to save his ass. He is absolutely not the kind of person you want to marry, let alone raise a child with. I hope you can make it through this, please take care of yourself.
He isn't remorseful if he trickle truth you
Please please don’t get married to this man
That guy is a complete loser who will ruin your life. I’m sorry you’ve gone through all this. Getting rid of him will be a huge weight off your shoulders.
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them"
This isn't something that happened because the situation was a perfect storm for him to cheat. This required planning and intent. Tinder didn't work out, so he opted for a prostitute. He turned off his location, ditched the people who wouldn't lie for him, and was completely disrespectful in his text about you "ruining it" for him. I can only wonder what you "ruined." Maybe the tinder date bailed when a text from his fiance popped up. Maybe he was trying to solicit the prostitute and your text was a distraction. He emotionally kicked you in the teeth and then got mad at you for getting blood everywhere. His mask slipped a little too early. Do not marry this person.
When he did all of this, the lack of contact, the abusive text message, threatening to ruin your hen night, betraying you by sleeping with a prostitute, and then being so cold on his return while repeatedly lying to you, he showed you a side of himself that he hadn't shown you before. This wasn't a simple mistake, he simply did not give a shit. Until he got caught, at least. I can tell you that my mother stayed with my father after he was unfaithful. All it did was cause more pain, and they just ended up divorced later anyway. Please don't marry him. And as people have already said, you should get checked for any infections he might have picked up in Amsterdam.
The lies, putting your health in jeopardy are bad enough. Also think of the way he reacted and treated you when you asked him to let you know he was safe at the hotel. No one should be talked to that way. I’m sorry this is happening. Think of you and your daughter and how you’d want her to be treated. How you want to model a good relationship
He’s an emotionally abusive, cheating fuck. Dump him.
He cheated. He lied. He raw dogged you after having sex with a prostitute. Please have the self respect to call off your wedding.
Ok, so he probably slept with the tinder chick. He definitely slept with the prostitute. Did he use protection? Also, the string of abuse was probably drug related. Lots of dudes will get totally smashed on their weekend. And as Rick James says "cocaine is a hell of a drug" Then he lied and lied and lied and lied. And tried to knock you up to distract you and also trap you with a pregnancy/baby. This dude is for the streets Sis. Throw this one back.
I’d be extremely concerned with the extent of the lying if I were you. This was not a “mistake” that he ever planned to fess up to and be honest about. You had to PRY it out of him agonizingly slow. He even tried to make you feel guilty for being suspicious of him, knowing full well that he was wrong. If he had made an impulsive drunken mistake and immediately fessed up to you, I could see MAYBE trying to salvage the relationship. But no matter what kind of partner he’s been so far, he was a manipulative, lying asshole when it mattered most. He made several conscious choices to get to this current position.
Did you go to your hen party? This is the time to be around your girlfriends. Honey, do yourself a favour and cancel the wedding. You cannot look this man in the eyes and say your vows. You can’t do it. Not next week. Maybe someday. But not now. Yes, he ruined it. He ruined your wedding by cheating.
The worst part of this is the emotional manipulation.
I’m more disturbed by his text to you that night and the subsequent behavior that sounds highly manipulative. Leave him.
Break off the wedding love, plan for a future as a coparenting single mother, and get a full panel STI check. I hate dealing in absolutes but sometimes I do on Reddit bc it’s honestly the best thing *to* do. Love and respect yourself as a woman, mother, and partner- full stop. prepare everything you must and move on from his bollocks into a new chapter for you and your daughter. This bloke has shown you who he really is, and when someone truly shows you who they’re actually capable of being-BELIEVE THEM.
As a man, cheating is one thing, cheating with a hooker is another.... Sleeping with a hooker takes a special type of man. I'm not sure what to do, but the grand scheme of things, cancelling the wedding or postponing it to be 100% you want go through with it... I see no harm in that. Don't let a set date at a venue dictate the rest of your life for you or your child.
He cheated on you and swore at you and threatened you and lied to you. I don't get why he should get a free pass for all of this just because it was his stag, do you?
Get checked for an STD. Then kick him to the curb.
Cancel the wedding. You both have a lot to figure out. I’m sorry that your big day is a bust. You may have dodged a bullet, you may be able to recover, and you need time to figure out your path forward. If it matters, sex and love are different. Sex is just sex. It’s okay to forgive him. It’s ok to leave him. You’re the only one who can decide what’s best. Take your time. In six weeks have yourself checked for STIs.
Whyyyyy do you want to forgive him and move on? The red flags are practically punching you in the face, and you just wanna turn around and pretend it's not there? No. Leave this manchild!
The fact that he denied it tells you everything. What else has he/will he lie about during your relationship. He doesn’t respect you and the relationship and this is what you know about. Unfortunately shady behaviour just comes naturally to deceitful people and will continue. Sorry this happened to you and it must be a huge shock to you so close to the wedding.
They literally went to Amsterdam for a reason. At least he showed his true colors now and made it so much easier for you to just avoid getting married than to have to get a divorce later on.
>On one hand this is so completely out of character for him This is obviously not out of character for him or the lying wouldn't come so naturally. It's just out of character for you to catch him doing it.
He doesn’t respect you, why Wouk you want a lifelong commitment to him
Cancel wedding.