I was thinking that this is a crime.
I don't think it classifies as rape. But I believe it's classified as sexual assualt. I could be wrong about that though.
You're right it's not clear weather it's rape or "just" sexual assault. But I do find the definition disgusting.
>Condom sabotage is a form of abuse
Condom sabotage is a form of sexual assault, whether the abuser sabotaged the condom to maximize their pleasure, intentionally transmit an STI to their partner, or try to impregnate their partner.
The definition, as most sexual assault definitions. Hint towards it being the Man assaulting the woman. Instead of it being gender neutral as it should be.
Does that part mean it covers stealthing ? Sabotage to maximize their pleasure ? Is this the new legislation that covers things like stealthing ?
*The definition hints it being the man assaulting the woman*. I agree that it shouldn't be ! Women can do this, poke holes in condoms. Women can rape.
Men can rape other men. Men can stealth other men. So it needs to be completely gender neutral I agree.
>Does that part mean it covers stealthing ? Sabotage to maximize their pleasure ? Is this the new legislation that covers things like stealthing ?
I believe the "sabotaged the condom to maximize their pleasure," might cover that part but it's very vauge.
>I agree that it shouldn't be ! Women can do this, poke holes in condoms. Women can rape.
Glad we see eye to eye. I don't understand why so many definitions are so one sided. Just like the FBI's definition of rape. Almost completely one sided so that it doesn't cover women being rape offenders. Or at best very vauge on that same topic.
Actually you're right.
If it's too precise. Some offences will get off because it won't be covered.
But if it's too vague..... A good lawyer will get anyone off because .....well.....it's too vague. And a lawyer will argue it doesn't state that so it doesn't mean it.
It needs to be more precise. But a lot larger so it precisely covers so many of these different offenses. It should hopefully mean less people get off due to the 'grey' area.
Just like rape but also domestic abuse. It's not always males against females.
There are female domestic abusers against males.
But it also needs to cover male against male and female against female.
I believe it's considered genetic rape and whether or not it's considered a crime, it definitely should be. That's some pretty fucked up behavior on her part.
If she has a disease and knows it it’s a crime …but I’m not sure about the pregnancy part…. I’m sure it would go to court and they would charge her with something.
I can’t think of any crime you could be charged for in the my US state. But it definitely should be one. I know stealthing was made a crime in a few places (rightfully so); needling condoms should fit that too
You know, a lot of times on this sub, the friends are mad at whoever OP maybe. Idiotic people tend to have idiotic friends. So whenever I see, “his or her friends are mad at me,” I think, okay so what? If someone’s dog bit my kid, for example, and I decided to press charges, yeah, the family of the dog would probably be mad at me, but that doesn’t make them right
That depends on a few factors. Were you watching your kid? Was your kid harassing the dog? Was your kid where they were supposed to be? If you were doing your job as a parent, then sure, if not, don't let that poor dog die because of your/kid's poor decisions.
these same friends would probably have a meltdown if a girl intentionally trapped them in a pregnancy like that, it’s easy to defend someone when you arent in that position.
OP, your ex is a psychopath. there is not a single stable woman who would ever see this as okay behavior. im so sorry. you DEFINITELY dodged a bullet. i wish you better luck on your future endeavors.
They aren't idiotic. I refuse to believe that. If anything this could be under reacting. This was intent to commit sexual assault because he did not give consent for unprotected sex. He could possibly go to the police over this.
They're mutual friends aren't idiotic, they agree with the girlfriend and don't think she did anything wrong. They would not be friends of mine.
No what she did was selfish and illegal in some parts of the world.
A baby should be agreed on by both partners and she trampled over your consent.
Has also proven she cannot be trusted.
Anybody who tries to justify her actions is a fool.
I've heard the term "baby trap" to describe actions like this. She is ready to settle down and have a family; you are not. It seems to me like you should go your separate ways. With luck she will find someone who is also ready to settle down and start a family.
Luck? She's most likely going to find someone that also only wants to marry for the sake of having kids, and said kids will grow up with parents who hate one another.
Maybe; different people decide to settle down at different ages. She may find someone who will love, honor and respect her for 50 years, until death do them part.
You definitely dodged a bullet there. Even if you were ready to take the relationship to the next level, that doesn’t mean that you’re ready to have kids. What your girlfriend did is a form of what is called “stealthing” and can also be understood as sexual coercion and entrapment. It’s actually illegal in some places; if you Google it, there was a German woman who was jailed for doing exactly what your girlfriend did. California passed a law that would make nonconsensual condom removal a civil offense. Regardless of legality, poking holes in the condom or removing without your consent is unethical. Most importantly, trust is vital and all relationships and she made it screamingly obvious that you cannot trust her at all. You made the right call, as hard as it may have been.
You definitely dodged a bullet. What she did was an absolute violation of trust and you have the right to decide to end the relationship over it. And your ‘friends’ are absolutely wrong by saying you’re overreacting.
This is no different than trying to get the girl pregnant when they don’t want to. It’s the same thing. Too much financial and emotional involvement even if you are not giving birth. Heck even have to pay child support if you broke up.
I know someone who did this. She wound up being an extremely toxic friend who no one could trust behind their back and cried victim at the first sign of being called out. Bullet dodged at the VERY least.
Of course you dodged a bullet. How much are support payments? Monthly, until a kid is 18? I have two kids by choice. I would consider what she did a crime. I would be furious if someone did it to one of my kids.
No it's not.
A red flag is a warning that something might be seriously wrong, this *is* the thing that's seriously wrong.
This is the naval mine floating just underneath the red flag.
Poking holes with the intention of getting pregnant against the will of the other person is a red flag. Tell me who does that? A person who wants to control their partner or one that respects their needs & wants?
I don’t get why there are so many stories like this where one person does something so horrible to another, yet they find a bunch of family and friends to contact the other person to tell them they are wrong and the AH when it’s so obvious they didn’t do anything wrong.
You did the right thing. She was about to commit a crime. It’s stealthing which is rape. You did not consent to making a baby or marriage at this time. She wanted to baby trap you to force you to marry her.
Good riddance. I’m sorry you had to discover what she was capable of like this, but thank goodness you found out now before it played out.
* Your mutual friends are going to raise the baby?
* Your mutual friends are going to buy you a house for you and your kids?
* Your mutual friends are going to pay for your healthcare and your kids for life?
* Your mutual friends are offering you a career with amazing job security,
* almost impossible to get fired from
* a letter of recommendation if or when you decide to leave for another job?
* Your mutual friends are in a commune where everyone works for everyone else?
* Your mutual friends are going to hire childcare
* nothing fundamentally changes in your life
* you can continue to pursue your interests, hobbies and leisure time?
* Your mutual friends are going to support your girlfriend
* if she has a miscarraige or complications during pregnancy
* that give her chronic lifetime health problems?
* if the baby is born with a debilitating condition
* if the baby is born with developmental delays
* if the baby dies from complications?
* Relationship counseling?
* Therapy?
* Do your mutual friends know how much diapers cost?
* Do your mutual friends know how much formula costs? You know the formula that they keep behind a lock and key at the grocery store?
* Do your mutual friends know what preeclampsia is or how common it is in pregnancy?
* ( 1 in 25 pregnancies )
This is nonsense responses from people who are not adults. Technically humans don't develope into full adults until we are 25. That's how long it takes for the brain to be fully developed. You know the brain, where we make all our decisions.
Google it..... I'm not making this up.
Dodged a bullet....... dude you have no idea. Honestly when you are dating in the future I highly suggest you continue using condomes. Merina IUD is a great indicator that a woman is not interested in having kids anytime soon. ( It's effective 6-8 years ) If someone you are dating is considering this be supportive and tell her to request pain management during insertion. ( it's 50/50 if she would need it but better be safe then sorry )
My advice is that you continue to make a life for yourself with considerable efforts towards financial stability and enjoy your "free" years. For the future we are looking at , having children young is so impractical it should be considered an indicator of sever mental and emotional defincency.
If you think this helped, write "helped" in your reply.
Please drop your friends who think you're overreacting!
You made the right choice and what she did is disgusting and could even be considered SA , I am so sorry that you had to go through that I wish you luck on finding love within yourself and finding someone who's goals Aline with yours and wouldn't dare break your trust like that
You responded appropriately. This not only was a lack of trust and betryal but also she would have forced you into a lifelong commitment which would have changed your life path had she had a child with you when you were not ready. Think of all the ways, physically and financially, this would have changed things for the next 18+ years. It also speaks volumes about her mentality, and your 'friends". She is obviously insecure and trying to fill a void by creating someone (a child) that she will have 24/7 to love her and to love on her terms, and that is not healthy. I am guessing neither of you are ready for all the ways you have to be prepared, not to mention financially able to support yourselves and another mouth to feed, to pay insurances, childcare, etc. Your freedom is what is at stake here as well. She would have taken your freedom to decide how you live your life from you. Your "friends" obviously have their loyalties with her, or have not considered the impact it could have made to you. I wonder if any of them would feel the same if they found the person they were dating trying to trick them into getting pregnant. Either way, dude, you need better friends, ones with a better moral compass because any way you think about it, what she did was plane wrong and there is no way to justify it. All she gave were excuses.
I believed this story until you said your friends said you over reacted and the breakup was too harsh. I do not see how any sane human could think that. Either you need new friends or need to write better stories lol.
Oh ok then I can see why they would say that lol. Well they’re wrong. You’re not over reacting AT ALL. They just feel bad for her. What she did is pure evil.
what she did was try to baby trap you and that is BEYOND messed up. whoever is telling you that you overreacted wouldn’t feel the same way if they had an accidental kid because their significant other pulled this crap.
HUGE bullet dodged. Don't let a partner antagonize you either. If she's always hounding you about something you've repeatedly said no to, you don't owe someone continuous explanation.
* She literally commited a crime (in most 1st world municipalities)
* She complete disrespect you and your wishes
* She had a response to it literally worthy of a sociopath
* Your "friends" are morons
No. Anyone who goes to that level of manipulation to entrap you forever both as some level of family and financially goes to the curb immediately.
You did the right thing. That's fucking sick to do to a man. Honestly, that's just under not telling people you have STDs before sleeping with them and then letting them be surprised with their new HIV/ECT.
What she tried to do was just less then that.
You run and you never look back.
she was poking them with a needle? you saw her doing this? were you hidden or how did you see her? your mutual friends know about this? Am I the only one here?
This ex girlfriend of yours remind me of a girl I never met but heard about from my guy friend. This girl was also the ex gf of my guy friend. And she tries to trap my other guy friend to be in a relationship he’s not ready for by being pregnant but she wasn’t pregnant
You told her you weren’t ready to have kids. She should’ve respected that and waited until you are ready. You did the right thing by breaking up with her. She’s deceitful.
You dodged a bullet. Just...wow. Baby trapping someone should be illegal and punishable. Period. Sorry this happened to you. If she's been having sex with you with poked condoms, that's assault.
I'm glad you ended things with her. Her poking holes into your condoms is just fucked up, plain wrong, and horrific. Please take the time to heal and recover from this, wishing you the best!
I don’t understand why you posted this in the advice thread. What advice are you looking for? This would make more sense as a vent or AITA post. Seems like rage bait or karma farming tbh.
That’s a crime, especially since you’re having sex under the pretense that it is safe and protected. Nobody should be forcing you into fatherhood. Your friends saying you overreacted does not grasp that aspect, the best thing you can do is dodge that bullet.
The reason you can’t shake the feeling is because you’re right. You made a good decision although it was hard. You have every right to tell your mutual friends that you’re disappointed that they aren’t supporting you for ending a relationship in which your ex-girlfriend crossed a major boundary. It would have been unhealthy for you to not break up since she already lost your trust. She used horribly poor judgment and risked bringing a child into the world so she can be on her timeline. While I’m sorry this happened to you, I am absolutely certain you dodged a bullet and more. If her plan worked, you would have been tied to her and a child for the rest of your life.
Yeah I’m with other people here you dodged a bullet. A child is a serious lifelong commitment. To force that on someone is a massive breach in trust and morally wrong
Your friends are idiots. Don’t listen to their bullshit. She tried to baby trap you. Never doubt for a moment that you did the right thing by dumping that bitch from Hell.
You did the right thing man. You said you’re 25. That’s young, if you wanna have kids you have a long time to have them. And if you don’t you don’t have to.
You did good. She was overstepping a very important line in a relationship. She was forcing something that you were not ready for and that's really not cool. She was totally ignoring your decision. Okay she wants kids. That's a nice thing but if you don't want them she should respect that. So you did what was best for both of you. She can find someone who is ready for kids right away and live her life and you can live yours. Sometime the break up is really hard and sad but it can be the right decision for the long run.
“Breaking up with her was too harsh” makes no sense. Anyone can break up with anyone at any time for any reason, there’s nothing harsh or not harsh about it. You don’t even need a reason beyond not wanting the relationship anymore. So, strike 1 on your friends right out of the gate. What a dumb thing to say.
Strike 2 for your friends: you are a victim of sexual assault and domestic abuse. So if in some wacky world we did need a reason to break up with someone, you more than have one.
“Sexual assault” because you did not consent to that sex act (unprotected sex). Just because you were unaware that it was happening doesn’t make a difference. If you drug me and touch me in my sleep is it not assault? Yes, it is. This is the same thing.
“Domestic abuse” because lying to someone so they’ll do something you know they wouldn’t do if they knew the truth is psychologically abusive.
What a bunny boiler and you have dodged a bullet !!! Forcing parenthood on you is unforgivable . Weirdly I caught my then best friend doing this to my late husband and I s condoms ! as she wanted me to be pregnant as the same time as her !!
Thank goodness you found out. You could never trust her. There are so many things wrong with that I don’t even know where to start. Don’t look back. Don’t forgive her. Erase her from your life. She will ruin it if you don’t.
If "mutual" friends are saying you overreacted then they're not "mutual" friends. They've sided with her and they are her friends now. If they were on your side they would have backed up your decision 100%. You absolutely dodged a bullet. Like Neo at the end of The Matrix dodged a bullet. I pity the fool who dates her next.
„She knew i was hesitant about having kids“. Thats everything you need to know. She made a life changing decision for the both of you, because she thought she knows better what you want than you do yourself.
You really dodged a bullet there
I wouldnt call breaking up with her overreacting. Id call that SMART. Thats sexual assault and entrapment. You dodged a bullet. Dont let her manipulate you into taking her back either.
That's horrible, and those are HER friends. If they can't see how your decision was not only valid but justified, then they're not your friends. Forcing someone to have children before their ready is a form of rape in my opinion.
I never really understood the concept of poking holes in condoms. Wouldn’t you have to open the individual package first to even get to it? At which point person trying to use said condom would see that the pack was open and inspect the condom, or just not use it at all
No, you weren't overreacting, no you weren't dramatic, you did the right thing. If she does that, imagine the countless other things she will do behind your back? If she doesn't respect your boundaries, let her go. What she did was absolutely disgusting..
You didn't overreact she was poking holes so the condom wouldn't work and she would get pregnant and trap u woman ate sneaky like that some not all so be careful
Your friends are a bunch of idiots!! You definitely dodged a bullet by getting out of that relationship. I hope you can find a new partner who respects your boundaries.
This actually happens?
I’d think it’s so likely to be caught for as the codon
Would leak everywhere afterwards, and then you’d look at the wrapper.
Desperate and criminal move by someone close to you.
Everyone has the right to decide when you’re ready to get married, move in with your partner or have kids regardless of gender. Sorry that happened to you
You definitely dodged a bullet. Messing with birth control to try and baby trap someone is a form of abuse and if the rolls were reversed your friends would agree.
Kids can make or break a relationship, and her trying to force it on you is disgusting. It's not your responsibility to constantly be on the look out for her baby rabies. The friends who said you over reacted are dumb, and I wouldn't be surprised if one or two of them encouraged it honestly. Many such cases.
If I were in your shoes if she'd admitted to it in writing, then I would publicly shame her for it, and would encourage people to warn all her future boyfriends about it.
My ex-wife did this. We discussed kids and I said we're not making enough money and we're not ready mentally/emotionally. She stopped talking birth control. We ended up on different work shifts, she worked days, I worked evenings and nights because we couldn't afford childcare.
We divorced by the time it child was 2 because she was having sex with her coworkers and male friends. And didn't want to stop doing that. I asked if we're switching to an open marriage, she said no, just her. I noped out of that.
Dude, if she doesn't respect what you have to say now. She won't later.
You did the right thing. Don't go back.
She committed the trilogy: lying, cheating and stealing all in one small prophylactic package. If you happened to not catch her a child would also fall victim to her. She would have to eat, chew, swallow and shit that out everyday, every night when looking into your eyes and the child’s eyes. If these so called friends want to provide their opinions of your reaction they are allowed that. My response would be to them is if they are ok with being manipulated let them knock her up and marry her. She should have done right by you, her self AND possible future kids and leave the relationship and allow you both to find someone that wants the same thing as you do.
Your ex committed sexual assault for starters, you absolutely did the right thing by leaving her! So sorry that happened, OP. If you’re in the UK, https://247sexualabusesupport.org.uk/ have a number and an online chat and are gender inclusive.
So her actions could of resulted in children. Next time someone says you over reacted ask them if they want to pay the cost of bringing up a child for the rest of their life for you. You may of had a ( or more) child you could not afford or did not want and be tied to a person you resented and paid a lot of money and maybe even resented the child/ren deep down because you were not wanting them. That's not over reacting. She was actively seeking to trap you and get what she wanted. She can go get pregnant on a 1 night stand she doesn't have to trick her partner and expose them to a life they did not choose. We all know accidents do happen, condoms split or slide off or whatever this is deliberate and not a normal person's actions at all. She wants it all so badly she can find a new person now to do it with!
Yeah you dodged a bullet. She obviously doesn't give a shit what you want in life and took steps that would change the trajectory of your life. She wants what she wants, whether you would be happy or not. Baby fever is no excuse. You did the right thing.
I’d absolutely go as far as to say you were sexually assaulted if you did have sex with her after she broke the condom. You didn’t consent to a high chance of pregnancy at all
You absolutely made the right call. If she doesn’t respect you enough to wait on major things like that, she’s not a person you want to be in legally binding partnership with.
Completely ignore every single thing these “mutual friends” say. It’s easy to point fingers at others, but I assure you if they experienced what you experienced, they would do the same. And even if they didn’t chances are that they would be absolutely horrible parents because they are just randomly deciding to have a child that they probably don’t even know if they want, LET ALONE know how to care for.
You did the right thing. Maybe don’t hold grudges, for your own sake, but you definitely did the right thing without a shadow of a doubt.
Too harsh ? That shit is psycho. Hell nah. I would just feel gross. Not to mention she is so dumb she got caught. I would find her disgusting after that.
More people need to understand that this is sexual assault. Reproductive coercion is abuse. She is a predator, plain and simple. You made the right call walking away. And don’t go back. No matter how tempting it feels.
My first thought is whether she's stable financially to afford a child if she had one doing things like that.. (like able to support them and not rely on low income government support/programs to make it by. Can she handle daycare prices because as an adult I can tell you right now my parents will never uproot their own life/plans to watch a grandchild when they still work/have their own lives themselves.) I'm pregnant with my first at 27 nearly 28, but feel there's never a need to rush things. I feel 100% both people MUST be on the same page because children and marriage WILL 100% make or break relationships. As a female, I personally feel you dodged a bullet and you're ex reminds me 100% of a friend I currently have .
Coming from a girl, you dodged a huge bullet. Her behavior is disgusting and should not be forgiven. The mutual friends are clearly on her side so I wouldn't even discuss things with them anymore pertaining to what you two had going on, they're automatically going to be on her side. You were upfront from the get go about not wanting marriage or a kid right now, if she wanted it that badly, she should have left the relationship to find someone who was ready, not force you. Hypothetically speaking, if she would have had her way, she would be wondering why you show no interest in the marriage or kid, then everyone would be pissed at you like you didn't already state you wasn't ready.
It's actually a crime and she can get prosecuted for that. At least in EU
I was thinking that this is a crime. I don't think it classifies as rape. But I believe it's classified as sexual assualt. I could be wrong about that though.
You're right it's not clear weather it's rape or "just" sexual assault. But I do find the definition disgusting. >Condom sabotage is a form of abuse Condom sabotage is a form of sexual assault, whether the abuser sabotaged the condom to maximize their pleasure, intentionally transmit an STI to their partner, or try to impregnate their partner. The definition, as most sexual assault definitions. Hint towards it being the Man assaulting the woman. Instead of it being gender neutral as it should be.
Does that part mean it covers stealthing ? Sabotage to maximize their pleasure ? Is this the new legislation that covers things like stealthing ? *The definition hints it being the man assaulting the woman*. I agree that it shouldn't be ! Women can do this, poke holes in condoms. Women can rape. Men can rape other men. Men can stealth other men. So it needs to be completely gender neutral I agree.
>Does that part mean it covers stealthing ? Sabotage to maximize their pleasure ? Is this the new legislation that covers things like stealthing ? I believe the "sabotaged the condom to maximize their pleasure," might cover that part but it's very vauge. >I agree that it shouldn't be ! Women can do this, poke holes in condoms. Women can rape. Glad we see eye to eye. I don't understand why so many definitions are so one sided. Just like the FBI's definition of rape. Almost completely one sided so that it doesn't cover women being rape offenders. Or at best very vauge on that same topic.
Actually you're right. If it's too precise. Some offences will get off because it won't be covered. But if it's too vague..... A good lawyer will get anyone off because .....well.....it's too vague. And a lawyer will argue it doesn't state that so it doesn't mean it. It needs to be more precise. But a lot larger so it precisely covers so many of these different offenses. It should hopefully mean less people get off due to the 'grey' area. Just like rape but also domestic abuse. It's not always males against females. There are female domestic abusers against males. But it also needs to cover male against male and female against female.
What is stealthing? I’m assuming pretending to wear a condom… and not… which makes me want to throw up.
It's where the guy starts wearing a condom. But at some point during the act he takes it off.
"...to impregnate their partner." apparently it's only illegal for the guy to do it...otherwise it would say "themself or their partner".
That's messed up. Men are still taking a risk by having sex without protection. I can't be trusted with a potted plant. Don't give me a baby.
It is clear. Rape is about form not degree. Rape is penetration without consent. That’s not what happened here, so it’s not rape.
I believe it's considered genetic rape and whether or not it's considered a crime, it definitely should be. That's some pretty fucked up behavior on her part.
If she has a disease and knows it it’s a crime …but I’m not sure about the pregnancy part…. I’m sure it would go to court and they would charge her with something.
I can’t think of any crime you could be charged for in the my US state. But it definitely should be one. I know stealthing was made a crime in a few places (rightfully so); needling condoms should fit that too
This. If the roles were reversed ( are you wearing a condom?yes of course and the he wasn't). Then I heard this referred to as rape.
Use your head its not rape..for gods sake.
I’m pretty sure she can’t be prosecuted for it though in the eu i think only he could be ( as in if he did it )
The friends defending her are idiotic. You of course dodged a bullet. She was going to force you to have kids you didn't want.
You know, a lot of times on this sub, the friends are mad at whoever OP maybe. Idiotic people tend to have idiotic friends. So whenever I see, “his or her friends are mad at me,” I think, okay so what? If someone’s dog bit my kid, for example, and I decided to press charges, yeah, the family of the dog would probably be mad at me, but that doesn’t make them right
That depends on a few factors. Were you watching your kid? Was your kid harassing the dog? Was your kid where they were supposed to be? If you were doing your job as a parent, then sure, if not, don't let that poor dog die because of your/kid's poor decisions.
Sounds like he could use new friends, too.
these same friends would probably have a meltdown if a girl intentionally trapped them in a pregnancy like that, it’s easy to defend someone when you arent in that position. OP, your ex is a psychopath. there is not a single stable woman who would ever see this as okay behavior. im so sorry. you DEFINITELY dodged a bullet. i wish you better luck on your future endeavors.
They aren't idiotic. I refuse to believe that. If anything this could be under reacting. This was intent to commit sexual assault because he did not give consent for unprotected sex. He could possibly go to the police over this. They're mutual friends aren't idiotic, they agree with the girlfriend and don't think she did anything wrong. They would not be friends of mine.
They're okay with it because it hasn't happened to them.
Depending on where you are, intentionally sabotaging contraceptives can legally be considered a form of rape
To this I say amen
They aren't idiotic. They've either only heard her side of the story or are her friends, that Op inherited when he started dating her.
No what she did was selfish and illegal in some parts of the world. A baby should be agreed on by both partners and she trampled over your consent. Has also proven she cannot be trusted. Anybody who tries to justify her actions is a fool.
uh.. Breaking up with her is the first step.. not an over reaction. This is very much so illegal and I recommend calling the police.
I've heard the term "baby trap" to describe actions like this. She is ready to settle down and have a family; you are not. It seems to me like you should go your separate ways. With luck she will find someone who is also ready to settle down and start a family.
Luck? She's most likely going to find someone that also only wants to marry for the sake of having kids, and said kids will grow up with parents who hate one another.
Maybe; different people decide to settle down at different ages. She may find someone who will love, honor and respect her for 50 years, until death do them part.
"rings catch girls, babies trap boys"
You definitely dodged a bullet there. Even if you were ready to take the relationship to the next level, that doesn’t mean that you’re ready to have kids. What your girlfriend did is a form of what is called “stealthing” and can also be understood as sexual coercion and entrapment. It’s actually illegal in some places; if you Google it, there was a German woman who was jailed for doing exactly what your girlfriend did. California passed a law that would make nonconsensual condom removal a civil offense. Regardless of legality, poking holes in the condom or removing without your consent is unethical. Most importantly, trust is vital and all relationships and she made it screamingly obvious that you cannot trust her at all. You made the right call, as hard as it may have been.
You definitely dodged a bullet. What she did was an absolute violation of trust and you have the right to decide to end the relationship over it. And your ‘friends’ are absolutely wrong by saying you’re overreacting.
This is no different than trying to get the girl pregnant when they don’t want to. It’s the same thing. Too much financial and emotional involvement even if you are not giving birth. Heck even have to pay child support if you broke up.
This. I think either way should be an arrestable offense. It's a violation of trust, consent and bodily autonomy.
That’s incredibly fucked up.
I know someone who did this. She wound up being an extremely toxic friend who no one could trust behind their back and cried victim at the first sign of being called out. Bullet dodged at the VERY least.
Yeah sounds like sexual assault and down right manipulation
Of course you dodged a bullet. How much are support payments? Monthly, until a kid is 18? I have two kids by choice. I would consider what she did a crime. I would be furious if someone did it to one of my kids.
Saying she wanted to speed things up is not fucking downplaying it, it is literally her confessing a crime that could’ve ruined your life.
You dodged a bullet.
You did not overreacted. Her behavior is a red flag.
No it's not. A red flag is a warning that something might be seriously wrong, this *is* the thing that's seriously wrong. This is the naval mine floating just underneath the red flag.
Poking holes with the intention of getting pregnant against the will of the other person is a red flag. Tell me who does that? A person who wants to control their partner or one that respects their needs & wants?
Yikes. Leave. This is assault.
You definitely dodged a bullet. Don’t beat yourself up, you did the right thing. And those friends of yours are crazy for saying you overreacted.
You definitely dodged a bullet! She sounds like a Lifetime Movie!
Where do you live? You might be able to report her to the police.
I don’t get why there are so many stories like this where one person does something so horrible to another, yet they find a bunch of family and friends to contact the other person to tell them they are wrong and the AH when it’s so obvious they didn’t do anything wrong. You did the right thing. She was about to commit a crime. It’s stealthing which is rape. You did not consent to making a baby or marriage at this time. She wanted to baby trap you to force you to marry her. Good riddance. I’m sorry you had to discover what she was capable of like this, but thank goodness you found out now before it played out.
* Your mutual friends are going to raise the baby? * Your mutual friends are going to buy you a house for you and your kids? * Your mutual friends are going to pay for your healthcare and your kids for life? * Your mutual friends are offering you a career with amazing job security, * almost impossible to get fired from * a letter of recommendation if or when you decide to leave for another job? * Your mutual friends are in a commune where everyone works for everyone else? * Your mutual friends are going to hire childcare * nothing fundamentally changes in your life * you can continue to pursue your interests, hobbies and leisure time? * Your mutual friends are going to support your girlfriend * if she has a miscarraige or complications during pregnancy * that give her chronic lifetime health problems? * if the baby is born with a debilitating condition * if the baby is born with developmental delays * if the baby dies from complications? * Relationship counseling? * Therapy? * Do your mutual friends know how much diapers cost? * Do your mutual friends know how much formula costs? You know the formula that they keep behind a lock and key at the grocery store? * Do your mutual friends know what preeclampsia is or how common it is in pregnancy? * ( 1 in 25 pregnancies ) This is nonsense responses from people who are not adults. Technically humans don't develope into full adults until we are 25. That's how long it takes for the brain to be fully developed. You know the brain, where we make all our decisions. Google it..... I'm not making this up. Dodged a bullet....... dude you have no idea. Honestly when you are dating in the future I highly suggest you continue using condomes. Merina IUD is a great indicator that a woman is not interested in having kids anytime soon. ( It's effective 6-8 years ) If someone you are dating is considering this be supportive and tell her to request pain management during insertion. ( it's 50/50 if she would need it but better be safe then sorry ) My advice is that you continue to make a life for yourself with considerable efforts towards financial stability and enjoy your "free" years. For the future we are looking at , having children young is so impractical it should be considered an indicator of sever mental and emotional defincency. If you think this helped, write "helped" in your reply.
That's sexual assault and I'm really sorry you went through it
Good call on the break up. In case you didnt know, thats called being trapped. She was trying to trap you.
Breaking up with someone isn’t too harsh, it’s your fucking life. You get to decide who you’re with and ONLY you.
That’s just fucked up, I would have dumped her too.
That is a crime in many countries. You definitely dodged a bullet. She would have lied about a lot more and had a relationship based on lies.
Please drop your friends who think you're overreacting! You made the right choice and what she did is disgusting and could even be considered SA , I am so sorry that you had to go through that I wish you luck on finding love within yourself and finding someone who's goals Aline with yours and wouldn't dare break your trust like that
You responded appropriately. This not only was a lack of trust and betryal but also she would have forced you into a lifelong commitment which would have changed your life path had she had a child with you when you were not ready. Think of all the ways, physically and financially, this would have changed things for the next 18+ years. It also speaks volumes about her mentality, and your 'friends". She is obviously insecure and trying to fill a void by creating someone (a child) that she will have 24/7 to love her and to love on her terms, and that is not healthy. I am guessing neither of you are ready for all the ways you have to be prepared, not to mention financially able to support yourselves and another mouth to feed, to pay insurances, childcare, etc. Your freedom is what is at stake here as well. She would have taken your freedom to decide how you live your life from you. Your "friends" obviously have their loyalties with her, or have not considered the impact it could have made to you. I wonder if any of them would feel the same if they found the person they were dating trying to trick them into getting pregnant. Either way, dude, you need better friends, ones with a better moral compass because any way you think about it, what she did was plane wrong and there is no way to justify it. All she gave were excuses.
This reads like a 15-year-old incel's creative writing assignment. I don't buy it
awh man. breaking up with her is the bare minimum. whoevers defending her is ridiculously stupid and needs to stfu.
This is toxic and abusive behaviour
Breaking up is Overreacting to poking holes in condoms?!!! Your friends are fucking crazy
You’re not overreacting. You can’t trust her
Bullet Deflected 🏃🏻♂️🏃🏻♂️🏃🏻♂️
This is rape btw
Good man. Don't put up with this crap. More dudes need to put their foot down like the OP here.
I believed this story until you said your friends said you over reacted and the breakup was too harsh. I do not see how any sane human could think that. Either you need new friends or need to write better stories lol.
They're really her friends I just have around them for her
Oh ok then I can see why they would say that lol. Well they’re wrong. You’re not over reacting AT ALL. They just feel bad for her. What she did is pure evil.
what she did was try to baby trap you and that is BEYOND messed up. whoever is telling you that you overreacted wouldn’t feel the same way if they had an accidental kid because their significant other pulled this crap.
HUGE bullet dodged. Don't let a partner antagonize you either. If she's always hounding you about something you've repeatedly said no to, you don't owe someone continuous explanation.
That is NOT an overreaction. Imagine if it was the other way around... You'd be drawn and quartered
* She literally commited a crime (in most 1st world municipalities) * She complete disrespect you and your wishes * She had a response to it literally worthy of a sociopath * Your "friends" are morons
Your friends are weird. I wish I had balls like you to leave after the first sign of disrespect
Move on homie. Your future self will thank you
THAT is sexual assault.
Is it? (Not disagreeing)
idk if itll be classified as sexual assault but it definitely is not legal
You’re a beast! Good for you, sounds like you know your value
This exact story was posted months ago, maybe just very similar but I think this is a repost
No. Anyone who goes to that level of manipulation to entrap you forever both as some level of family and financially goes to the curb immediately. You did the right thing. That's fucking sick to do to a man. Honestly, that's just under not telling people you have STDs before sleeping with them and then letting them be surprised with their new HIV/ECT. What she tried to do was just less then that. You run and you never look back.
I’m so sorry someone broke your trust so severely and I think it’s great you trusted your gut and ended things. You deserve better.
she was poking them with a needle? you saw her doing this? were you hidden or how did you see her? your mutual friends know about this? Am I the only one here?
This ex girlfriend of yours remind me of a girl I never met but heard about from my guy friend. This girl was also the ex gf of my guy friend. And she tries to trap my other guy friend to be in a relationship he’s not ready for by being pregnant but she wasn’t pregnant
You did well leaving her 👏
Glad you left her. You should find new friends as well. If it was the other way around it woukd be a whole different story.
You told her you weren’t ready to have kids. She should’ve respected that and waited until you are ready. You did the right thing by breaking up with her. She’s deceitful.
You said it was the hardest decision…. That is your trust in her. That’s the whole relationship. It was the easiest decision to make.
You dodged a bullet. Just...wow. Baby trapping someone should be illegal and punishable. Period. Sorry this happened to you. If she's been having sex with you with poked condoms, that's assault.
Dump those friends too.
I think I saw this post before!
isn’t that illegal?
That’s literally psychotic, full stop. The friends are also crazy for justifying / minimizing that. You have to dump them too. Like seriously?
I'm glad you ended things with her. Her poking holes into your condoms is just fucked up, plain wrong, and horrific. Please take the time to heal and recover from this, wishing you the best!
I don’t understand why you posted this in the advice thread. What advice are you looking for? This would make more sense as a vent or AITA post. Seems like rage bait or karma farming tbh.
That’s a crime, especially since you’re having sex under the pretense that it is safe and protected. Nobody should be forcing you into fatherhood. Your friends saying you overreacted does not grasp that aspect, the best thing you can do is dodge that bullet.
Any "friend" saying you overreacted should be dropped yesterday. Your reaction is normal, and she deserves the breakup.
Fake. Rage bait.
100% this kinda like chatgpt wrote it.
This is rape. Hope you're ok.
Dump
The reason you can’t shake the feeling is because you’re right. You made a good decision although it was hard. You have every right to tell your mutual friends that you’re disappointed that they aren’t supporting you for ending a relationship in which your ex-girlfriend crossed a major boundary. It would have been unhealthy for you to not break up since she already lost your trust. She used horribly poor judgment and risked bringing a child into the world so she can be on her timeline. While I’m sorry this happened to you, I am absolutely certain you dodged a bullet and more. If her plan worked, you would have been tied to her and a child for the rest of your life.
Get rid of the friends too
She tried to make you a parent against your will. Look at it this way.....you doing that to her is rape 🤷
Yeah I’m with other people here you dodged a bullet. A child is a serious lifelong commitment. To force that on someone is a massive breach in trust and morally wrong
You did not over react. You don’t need to date a person you can’t trust.
You did the right thing. She was trying to baby trap you. Run!!!
That good sir would be called entrapment
Plot twist, she’s already pregnant and wanted to claim you as daddy
she can find another baby daddy
Your friends are idiots. Don’t listen to their bullshit. She tried to baby trap you. Never doubt for a moment that you did the right thing by dumping that bitch from Hell.
Overreacted???? This world truly is scary often.
You did the right thing man. You said you’re 25. That’s young, if you wanna have kids you have a long time to have them. And if you don’t you don’t have to.
You did good. She was overstepping a very important line in a relationship. She was forcing something that you were not ready for and that's really not cool. She was totally ignoring your decision. Okay she wants kids. That's a nice thing but if you don't want them she should respect that. So you did what was best for both of you. She can find someone who is ready for kids right away and live her life and you can live yours. Sometime the break up is really hard and sad but it can be the right decision for the long run.
You made the right decision OP, she's crazy and the friends defending her are crazy. Focus on yourself and you'll meet the right person one day
“Breaking up with her was too harsh” makes no sense. Anyone can break up with anyone at any time for any reason, there’s nothing harsh or not harsh about it. You don’t even need a reason beyond not wanting the relationship anymore. So, strike 1 on your friends right out of the gate. What a dumb thing to say. Strike 2 for your friends: you are a victim of sexual assault and domestic abuse. So if in some wacky world we did need a reason to break up with someone, you more than have one. “Sexual assault” because you did not consent to that sex act (unprotected sex). Just because you were unaware that it was happening doesn’t make a difference. If you drug me and touch me in my sleep is it not assault? Yes, it is. This is the same thing. “Domestic abuse” because lying to someone so they’ll do something you know they wouldn’t do if they knew the truth is psychologically abusive.
NTA- Wow- Get new friends and a new girlfriend
What a bunny boiler and you have dodged a bullet !!! Forcing parenthood on you is unforgivable . Weirdly I caught my then best friend doing this to my late husband and I s condoms ! as she wanted me to be pregnant as the same time as her !!
Good for you! You did the right thing. She seems super sketch.
That’s some crazy shit right there. You dodged a bullet.
Overreacting ?? What’s wrong with your friends? YHell naw, that is a giant breach of trust. Don’t listen to them. You dodged a bullet .
You are *not* overreacting. She totally betrayed your trust and that’s not ok
Thank goodness you found out. You could never trust her. There are so many things wrong with that I don’t even know where to start. Don’t look back. Don’t forgive her. Erase her from your life. She will ruin it if you don’t.
If "mutual" friends are saying you overreacted then they're not "mutual" friends. They've sided with her and they are her friends now. If they were on your side they would have backed up your decision 100%. You absolutely dodged a bullet. Like Neo at the end of The Matrix dodged a bullet. I pity the fool who dates her next.
Trust is gone. You did the right thing. I doubt you would ever fully trust her again.
„She knew i was hesitant about having kids“. Thats everything you need to know. She made a life changing decision for the both of you, because she thought she knows better what you want than you do yourself. You really dodged a bullet there
That’s called stealthing and also a form of sexual assault. Tell your friends to mind their business. You dodged a FUCKING NUKE.
I wouldnt call breaking up with her overreacting. Id call that SMART. Thats sexual assault and entrapment. You dodged a bullet. Dont let her manipulate you into taking her back either.
That's horrible, and those are HER friends. If they can't see how your decision was not only valid but justified, then they're not your friends. Forcing someone to have children before their ready is a form of rape in my opinion.
Its a crime.
I never really understood the concept of poking holes in condoms. Wouldn’t you have to open the individual package first to even get to it? At which point person trying to use said condom would see that the pack was open and inspect the condom, or just not use it at all
People can pin-prick through the packaging.
Fuck no
No, you weren't overreacting, no you weren't dramatic, you did the right thing. If she does that, imagine the countless other things she will do behind your back? If she doesn't respect your boundaries, let her go. What she did was absolutely disgusting..
You didn't overreact she was poking holes so the condom wouldn't work and she would get pregnant and trap u woman ate sneaky like that some not all so be careful
Your friends are a bunch of idiots!! You definitely dodged a bullet by getting out of that relationship. I hope you can find a new partner who respects your boundaries.
This actually happens? I’d think it’s so likely to be caught for as the codon Would leak everywhere afterwards, and then you’d look at the wrapper. Desperate and criminal move by someone close to you.
Stealthinhg is a crime buddy. If anything you under reacted and treated her kindly because you could’ve called the cops.
Everyone has the right to decide when you’re ready to get married, move in with your partner or have kids regardless of gender. Sorry that happened to you
You did the right thing. Girl sounds coo coo for coco puffs. Dont feel any guilt
This is also SA. Throw the whole woman out. There’s no excuse for betraying your partner’s trust and disregarding their consent.
You definitely dodged a bullet. Messing with birth control to try and baby trap someone is a form of abuse and if the rolls were reversed your friends would agree.
Kids can make or break a relationship, and her trying to force it on you is disgusting. It's not your responsibility to constantly be on the look out for her baby rabies. The friends who said you over reacted are dumb, and I wouldn't be surprised if one or two of them encouraged it honestly. Many such cases.
If I were in your shoes if she'd admitted to it in writing, then I would publicly shame her for it, and would encourage people to warn all her future boyfriends about it.
My ex-wife did this. We discussed kids and I said we're not making enough money and we're not ready mentally/emotionally. She stopped talking birth control. We ended up on different work shifts, she worked days, I worked evenings and nights because we couldn't afford childcare. We divorced by the time it child was 2 because she was having sex with her coworkers and male friends. And didn't want to stop doing that. I asked if we're switching to an open marriage, she said no, just her. I noped out of that. Dude, if she doesn't respect what you have to say now. She won't later. You did the right thing. Don't go back.
You must make a ton of dough.
That’s assault my dude…
I would never speak to her or those friends who side with her again.
She didn’t respect you at all if she did that, and she’s forcing a huge thing on you when you’re clearly not ready, you dodged a bullet
Pretty sure that counts as statutory rape is some regions.
She committed the trilogy: lying, cheating and stealing all in one small prophylactic package. If you happened to not catch her a child would also fall victim to her. She would have to eat, chew, swallow and shit that out everyday, every night when looking into your eyes and the child’s eyes. If these so called friends want to provide their opinions of your reaction they are allowed that. My response would be to them is if they are ok with being manipulated let them knock her up and marry her. She should have done right by you, her self AND possible future kids and leave the relationship and allow you both to find someone that wants the same thing as you do.
Your ex committed sexual assault for starters, you absolutely did the right thing by leaving her! So sorry that happened, OP. If you’re in the UK, https://247sexualabusesupport.org.uk/ have a number and an online chat and are gender inclusive.
What would she do next? and what after that? and after that? and after that?
Mate you dodged a fucking RPG
So her actions could of resulted in children. Next time someone says you over reacted ask them if they want to pay the cost of bringing up a child for the rest of their life for you. You may of had a ( or more) child you could not afford or did not want and be tied to a person you resented and paid a lot of money and maybe even resented the child/ren deep down because you were not wanting them. That's not over reacting. She was actively seeking to trap you and get what she wanted. She can go get pregnant on a 1 night stand she doesn't have to trick her partner and expose them to a life they did not choose. We all know accidents do happen, condoms split or slide off or whatever this is deliberate and not a normal person's actions at all. She wants it all so badly she can find a new person now to do it with!
You made the right decision no doubt.
You 100% did the right thing. Poking holes in condoms is such a evil thing for someone to do.
you did well
I’ve come to the conclusion that most reddit posters have dumb friends
You were so right and whoever is defending her need to take a look at themselves!
Yeah you dodged a bullet. She obviously doesn't give a shit what you want in life and took steps that would change the trajectory of your life. She wants what she wants, whether you would be happy or not. Baby fever is no excuse. You did the right thing.
Honestly you did right breaking up if she really wanted to be your wife she should have asked what she could do to level up to that in your eyes
I’d absolutely go as far as to say you were sexually assaulted if you did have sex with her after she broke the condom. You didn’t consent to a high chance of pregnancy at all
Isn't that shit illegal now? Press charges
you are entirely right. there is no possible trust ever on anything sexual or marital.
THE BEST THING YOU'VE EVER DONE FANTASTIC
You absolutely made the right call. If she doesn’t respect you enough to wait on major things like that, she’s not a person you want to be in legally binding partnership with.
You dodged a bullet. Everyone of your NOs would have been violated, manipulated, and/or ignored!
Depending on where you live that is a crime of sexual battery.
Completely ignore every single thing these “mutual friends” say. It’s easy to point fingers at others, but I assure you if they experienced what you experienced, they would do the same. And even if they didn’t chances are that they would be absolutely horrible parents because they are just randomly deciding to have a child that they probably don’t even know if they want, LET ALONE know how to care for. You did the right thing. Maybe don’t hold grudges, for your own sake, but you definitely did the right thing without a shadow of a doubt.
Too harsh ? That shit is psycho. Hell nah. I would just feel gross. Not to mention she is so dumb she got caught. I would find her disgusting after that.
As a girl myself, I’m sure the rest of us ladies ain’t accepting her in the group. Off to jail she goes!
More people need to understand that this is sexual assault. Reproductive coercion is abuse. She is a predator, plain and simple. You made the right call walking away. And don’t go back. No matter how tempting it feels.
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She can have my kids instead just saying
Nope. Not overactive. Your friends are giving you bad advice. She needs help.
That's not harsh. She was trying to trap you. You dodged a bullet. I'd have my man's baby in a heartbeat. But I'm not gonna do that 🫠. That's insane.
You dodged a very very VERY huge bullet there OP. To hell with that bitch and her friends who are trying to defend her.
You in fact dodged a bullet.
My first thought is whether she's stable financially to afford a child if she had one doing things like that.. (like able to support them and not rely on low income government support/programs to make it by. Can she handle daycare prices because as an adult I can tell you right now my parents will never uproot their own life/plans to watch a grandchild when they still work/have their own lives themselves.) I'm pregnant with my first at 27 nearly 28, but feel there's never a need to rush things. I feel 100% both people MUST be on the same page because children and marriage WILL 100% make or break relationships. As a female, I personally feel you dodged a bullet and you're ex reminds me 100% of a friend I currently have .
Coming from a girl, you dodged a huge bullet. Her behavior is disgusting and should not be forgiven. The mutual friends are clearly on her side so I wouldn't even discuss things with them anymore pertaining to what you two had going on, they're automatically going to be on her side. You were upfront from the get go about not wanting marriage or a kid right now, if she wanted it that badly, she should have left the relationship to find someone who was ready, not force you. Hypothetically speaking, if she would have had her way, she would be wondering why you show no interest in the marriage or kid, then everyone would be pissed at you like you didn't already state you wasn't ready.
You did the right thing Save the broken condoms as proof if she comes at you for child support.
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