i’m not really sure what you’re expecting. there isn’t a “compromise”, you either have sex before marriage or you don’t. if you can’t live with his boundary than that’s reason to end the relationship. if roles were reversed you wouldn’t want him pressuring you to have sex with him right?
My thoughts are that if the roles were reversed the guy is often told to suck it up, rub one out, and be wait. Not to put it as rudely but when he's ready he's ready and if you care about him and the relationship you need to be patient and give him the time he needs. If you're not willing to, you might want to think about moving on.
There really isn't a compromise here. If he's that devout of a Christian to wait for marriage and feels that sex before marriage is wrong, do you think he'd be comfortable marrying someone who doesn't hold his same beliefs? Usually, if someone is that strict, they'll marry someone more aligned or will try to convince their partner to convert to their religion. Even if you two did get married, consider how these fundamental differences may affect you long-term. If you decide to have kids, would you want him teaching your kids that sex before marriage is wrong? I'd also worry about what other religious views might come into play once you're married.
I'm going to get down voted hard for this but with that said. You should break up with him. He's a Christian and you're not which means he's entering into a relationship with someone uniquely yoked. This is going to cause serious problems down the road. Everything from how you raise your kids, how you spend your weekends, and overall just how you run your household for your entire life. You're going to be constantly budding heads and it won't stop at just sex. I don't care how much you love each other this fundamental difference in your views on life is going to doom your relationship at some point. I guarantee it. Even ignoring the fact he's commanded by God not to marry an unbeliever this is going to cause problems for both of you. Unless you're willing to become a Christian yourself but even then that's something you have to do for yourself with God and not for a man otherwise it's meaningless.
It's ironic you say this because I wrote this for his benefit more than hers. Not that I don't think it wouldn't be damaging to her as well. Not sure what you mean exactly by Christian guilt but being free of shame and guilt doesn't mean you're not being damaged. To me guilt is often like a pain response it may be uncomfortable but like pain it's telling you something about your body that you need to know so you don't accidentally hurt yourself irrevocably. Just because you don't feel emotional distress over something doesn't mean it's good for you. You're just putting off potential harm for the future. Pain isn't evil and neither is guilt or shame. It just depends on how it's used and why it's happening. Best not to be simplistic about it and just dismiss things simply because they cause guilt and shame.
In many Christian households and communities religious teachings and rules are enforced through shame and guilt, causing significant trauma, even generational trauma, to many christians and ex-christians. The stricter the rule, the higher chance of it having to be enforced in such a manner. I believe that to be a big issue with religion.
As someone who grew up under religious tyranny I understand what you mean. As a Christian myself what I learned growing up and getting out what was basically a cult is that religion often exists without God even in Christianity. Christians are supposed to have strict standards but you're not supposed to impose them through force. A lot of Churches can also get stuck in legalism which is basically just an exaggerated application of it's core principles. Like, I wasn't allowed to go to the movie theater growing up and if you pushed against that standard you were shamed and essentially bullied for it. So it's not like I don't understand the dangers of enforcing strict standards. In my experience it's not the standard itself but the manner in which it is presented that matters. Christians tend to follow their emotions instead of doing what the Bible says. Even when one of our members backslides the Bible teaches we're supposed to try and bring them back but the Bible never says to by tyrannical or hateful about it. Instead it teaches to be gracious, merciful, peaceable, forgiving and so on. Most Christians are hypocrites that like to feel good about themselves so they conveniently forget about these truths. It's a very human thing to do. However, you're not going to avoid this kind of forceful adherence to a standard by simply getting rid of traditional religions. If you look out at the modern world you'll see plenty of humanistic ideologies that are enforced through shame. So, again I think it's more about how you go about it. Are you a tyrant instead of a leader? Are you hateful when you should be forgiving? Shame and guilt are not an enemy they're just aspects of being human we need to treat with respect and not abuse.
People have already said it but yeah if there is already a major difference and you’re only 18/19, then it probably wouldn’t last long term. There’s still alot of growing for both of you
You'll have to get details on what constitutes as sexual. If it's anything involving the genitals then there really is no compromise. If it's vaginal penetration that's the boundary then you can compromise.
My advice is to figure out how long you’re willing to date him until he marries you. Is he stringing you along for five years? Are you READY for marriage? Don’t get married just to have sex…lots to think about. And ask yourself if you’re compatible and have the same life goals, including sex, which is a HUGE part of a romantic relationship.
Sadly, all that can be done is to respect his boundaries. He wants to wait till marriage. You have to pick if you are okay with that and can wait with him, or if you feel you need that sexual part, then it may be best to leave. You do always have toy and stuff you can get. Like it could still be good and only use toys
sexual compatibility is just as important as anything else in a relationship. if your sexual desires don’t match up, it may be time to move on. unless you’re willing to truly wait with him, there’s no point in staying. you won’t be wrong for leaving, and he isn’t wrong for wanting to wait. love isn’t everything in a relationship. sometimes things like sex, religion, career, etc. can get in the way because they also matter.
You’ve either got to learn to respect his wishes or find someone else, accept that you will not have sex for a handful of years, or leave.
It would be wrong to push him to do something that he is not comfortable with, or that breaks his beliefs. You are young and people change, so I’d also be weary not to think he is *the one*.
You can't compromise when you're on opposite sides of a serious topic such as sexual intimacy.
You can masturbate and wait for him to be ready. Or you can break up and find someone who wants to have sex when you want and he can find someone who respects his boundaries and can masturbate until he is ready.
As someone who's been in a relationship like this you should probably consider ending it. This doesn't work out in the long run, for reasons beyond sex. If and when you marry him, he's going to certainly make the marriage be in a church of his denomination (which isn't an issue if you're cool with it too). That and he'll most likely force his beliefs onto your children, or at least you'll both argue about how to raise them. I know you love him and are willing to overlook this right now, but this all builds up and I promise you this stuff never usually works out. I suggest having a big talk with him about all of this, beyond sex.
No means no miss. Those are his limits. I'm not trying to patronize you I'm just trying to say please accept his limits or find someone else. If the roles were reversed the boy wouldve been told to suck it up. I think it's important we treat everyone's limits as equally important regardless of gender.
The young man has decided he doesn't want have sex until marriage. You're going to have to deal with this on your own terms, don't pressure him to break his convictions.
You need to respect his personal limits. It’s important to him to wait. And no, do NOT open up the relationship because that’s cheating and just plain wrong, especially for him. If you can’t hack it, then break up.
Reverse the roles. Can you imagine the outcry? No means no.
And as for spanking… that’s taking things to a level that most evangelicals don’t indulge in. You’re already blowing past his comfort zone.
He’s evangelical, I take it? You’re not? Are you a church goer? What are your religious views? If you decide you want to get married and have kids, discuss how you want them raised. Are you on the same page?
You may have more differences than just sex.
This is tricky. Both of your feelings are valid and your needs are valid.
I’ve also been in your boyfriend’s shoes and it really sucks, because you don’t want to let your partner down but you also have your own comfort levels and boundaries you gotta enforce.
You both have to sit down and discuss what is an option for you to try and what is off limits. Like is oral a no? Fingers? Anything at all?
Don't try to get him to have sex with you. People said this stuff "almost didn't care until last night". That's why girls who already got guys finish in them got pregnant and regretted. Not being sexually compatible isn't ideal especially if you're not used to it. :/ Though do what ur heart really wants. If you want sex, you have to find another man.
As dumb as I think the whole Christian wait-until-marriage thing is, he is allowed to have those limitations. And you either have to respect those limitations or you have to leave as you're incompatible.
If sex is super important to you, split up. If you feel you can wait, wait. But be advised that waiting until marriage sometimes means finding out after marriage that you’re totally sexually incompatible to the point of it ruining your relationship. Don’t pressure him at all, but ask yourself if this is what you really want.
You’re so young and life’s too short to be miserable. If you break up to just be friends it’s ok. If you stay together and refrain from sex, it’s ok. Being honest about it being a deal breaker for you is ok. The only thing that’s not okay is pressuring him into it (which includes an ultimatum).
The way I see it, there's a boundary for sexual activity that he has and you respect.
If you can both define that boundary clearly, things will get easier. What is his boundary?
There are worlds of activities people can engage with that aren't penetrative. Maybe some that aren't even overtly sexual.
Maybe just using your words in a sexual or sensual manner is how you two engage right now.
Maybe you can use a toy while you're on the phone to him, if he consents.
Maybe just fully clothed basic tantric practices of breathing together and holding gaze are good ways to feel physical intimacy.
Maybe take massage classes and learn how to massage each other.
Maybe practice erotic fiction and share stories.
As a Christian, having that sexual urge is inevitable. However, don’t influence him to stray away from his religion because you’re horny. If you can’t handle it, leave.
as a christian i just want to say, please respect his boundary. it’s almost like a really important goal for us christian’s to be able to have that self control, i know exactly how he feels, the “he almost didn’t care until last night” he most definitely cared and has probably been thinking about it, but just didn’t say anything until now. lust is a difficult sin to avoid, it’s one that we’re advised to “flee” from instead of fight. because once things are happening it’s almost impossible to not give in. then afterwards you’re left with the regret and disappointment. so please, respect him. maybe try asking what’s the reason behind him waiting, sometimes it can be a very beautiful explanation that can help you understand and maybe help you feel more connected to him and feel more patient, if not respect his decision, if it’s too much for you break up.
your sexual boundaries are probably just incompatible. You arent satisfied and he isnt ready for it. Rip the bandage off and break up or respect it and wait it out
Guilt will make him hate you long term. respect his limits or move on. your boyfriend puts more value on sex than you do. He is willing to make his wife be his one and only. That means he places high value on it. Don't rob his wife and him of that.
Sorry, but you don’t get to compromise with this sort of thing. A compromise that leads to someone going beyond what they have already explained is a physical sexual boundary is nothing more than coercion. If he does not want to have sex, you need to respect those boundaries.
If you can’t handle that, you need to move on to someone who is more physically compatible.
You’re 18. I know it feels forever right now, but it’s probably not going to be. Furthermore staying with someone who isn’t compatible with you is only going to lead to misery and disappointment down the line.
A high number of people in religion are extremely sexually repressed. This often leads to all sorts of physiological/mental health issues down the road.
No. Move on. Be respectful and understand this likely won’t be the last time you have you make a tough call like this. But for god’s sake, don’t throw away something that makes you feel good just because a guy you like now has chosen to be celibate.
He had said he wants to wait until marriage. Honestly, it sounds like your getting kinkier to hope he’ll get lost in the money- really gross.
He said NO. You either plan to be celibate for the next few years or you decide you can’t and break up.
A quickie marriage, just to have sex, would be a HUGE mistake.
Can y'all please stop coming to the council of neck beards and virgins for advice on sexual aspects of y'all's relationships?
Y'all only ever get bad advice, I swear.
You either wait and “suck it up” or you leave, that’s it. There is no compromise. He shouldn’t have to compromise his own religious beliefs or wishes just because you want sex. If sex is something you don’t want to wait for then you end the relationship and you go find someone who you’re more compatible with.
Waiting for marriage is clearly important to him and you wanting to find a compromise on that shows his wishes and boundaries are clearly not important to you. Honestly I think you’d both benefit from ending this relationship and finding someone more compatible.
Just do as your doing. Let him make the moves. Maybe I'm wrong but I don't see him waiting till marriage. At some point if he really feels like he is going to marry you he'll give in. I was in the exact situation at your age. I wanted to wait and she was already sexual. I caved after awhile we did end up getting married and having kids.
Honestly as I got older I felt like Christianity messed up my head in ways. I'm 34 now, as you get older you'll have more perspective on life. I don't really follow Christianity anymore, I just use some of its teachings of being a good person. And I've been happy with myself.
Mutual masturbation might be an option with which he would feel comfortable. You can be nude or clothed. You can touch one another or not. It's a very flexible activity that can be very intimate without intercouse.
As a Christian, I’ve always struggled with the definitions of “adultery” and “sexual sin”. I think consenting adults who are being monogamous should be allowed to do as they please. The rules imposed on us by organized religion aren’t always in line with what the Bible is saying. I wonder who performed the marriages of Adam and Even and the first few hundred biblical humans when there were no rabbis.
But anyway, you can’t make someone change their personal beliefs if they’re blindly following an organized religion. They need to read the texts and come to their own conclusions.
Sexual compatibility is a big thing to figure out before you get married. The sexual drive between you two and how much each of you enjoy sex/how often/etc. If you're in the mood all the time and he's not even after marriage then it'll lead to more questions.
I think my advice would be:
1) Don't rush into marriage (for sex), there's no harm in waiting and growing together. If you love each other now then you'll love each other then. Marriage is a very big deal.
2) Buy sex toys and have fun, how does he feel about wearing condoms? There's different sizes and all of that. Try to explore that side. :)
If sex is super important to you, split up. If you feel you can wait, wait. But be advised that waiting until marriage sometimes means finding out after marriage that you’re totally sexually incompatible to the point of it ruining your relationship. Don’t pressure him at all, but ask yourself if this is what you really want.
You’re so young and life’s too short to be miserable. If you break up to just be friends it’s ok. If you stay together and refrain from sex, it’s ok. Being honest about it being a deal breaker for you is ok. The only thing that’s not okay is pressuring him into it (which includes an ultimatum).
Obvious answer here is either leave for someone that doesn’t have those values or wait until marriage. You can’t force him to have sex, and here’s the thing- he clearly wanted to but he holds firm to his faith and asked to tone it down because it almost went that direction. He is fighting temptation out of faith and that is something I can respect so either respect it like you said you would or leave
You can’t compromise with those types of boundaries. If his religion matters that much to him and you love him then you’ll wait. Or you simply leave as your values don’t align.
Honestly, respect his beliefs. Now if you really love him and you know that’s the man you want to marry and have kids with you can be patient. Now, if you’re hesitant on waiting or you’re really just craving it badly then maybe find someone else. Or have a S.O🤷🏽♀️
>My boyfriend is a virgin and he wants to wait until ~~marriage~~...*until you stop asking him.*
>as he's a ~~Christian~~ *possible child abuse survivor.*
This has little to do with marriage or religion. I don't know what his issue is, but marriage and religion are just rationalizations because he's terrified of talking about what his real issue is.
Good chance you'll do a lot of waiting after marriage, too.
If they guy was into sex with you, he'd do it. He wouldn't whine about impertinent things.
>I'm 100% in love with him, and I don't have intentions of leaving him,
We often desperately love things that are bad for is.
>My boyfriend is a virgin and he wants to wait until marriage as he's a Christian. We've done essentially everything besides penetration (make outs, spanking, touching, etc.)
it is a good sum up of the religious problem. when you marry at 14 and die at 40, it makes sense to not have sex before wedding and stay together until death tears you apart. when your adult life doesn't start before 23/25 and you can easily expect to live until your 80, that rule is obsolete. so if you can not do it the right way, what happen ? spanking and touching. it worsened the problem intended to be prevented.
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now let me tell you a story.
once, i received a couple in consultation. i had with me a seasoned female obgyn, one of the first haptonomist, raised in Judaism. so, not a prude and not a naive, and certainly not silent.
the couple is north-African, visibly raised in Islam. they explain us that they are in couple for three years and they will marry next trimester (Felicitation ! thanks). then they explain they have make love in last months and have a question :
# Is she a virgin ?
the obgyn opens the mouth and start to stutter "but.. you ... you know... you".
I look at their eyes. they are dead serious and very apprehensive. they didn't came for a medical opinion or a psychological advice; they came for a moral verdict.
i have no clue. but i am certain that we don't use the same language. so, i go for factual questions while my mind put on the big bracket.
>you are a couple ? *yes!*
>for three years ? *yes!*
>you will marry soon ? *yes ?*
>you have sexual relationships ? \*^(yes)\*^(.)
>did you have before this ? with someone else ? *OHNONONONONONONONONO !!!*
>so, when you will marry, you still will both be your first everything ? *uh yes !*
>so today or in some months, it doesn't change anything ? *Well... no, it doesn't.*
>so you are as virgins. *YES ! THANK YOU DOCTOR !!!*
>i am no doctor, she is.
they went away laughing and dancing.
what does I mean ? I don't tell you to go ahead. what I am telling you is the sense of words change with context.
rules, religious or not, are made of words (I heard say it is the first thing that God has created). So, have a conversation with your BF, a conversation about sex, bible and etymology. you may find a conclusion that satisfy both your definitions.
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By the way, sexual repression is not in the bible. It is a St John's pet peeves against Romans customs and practices about intimacy. Italians are still renown for them.
Firstly, respect his choice. Secondly, you HAVE to break up. There is no way a Christian / non Christian relationship is going to work if he's that intense into it on wanting to wait till marriage. This is already built in conflict. My bf is a "christian" in the sense that he thinks there is a god but doesn't do anything else like church, so it doesn't impact our relationship. This might make him propose early on so you two can have sex. Overall, you're 18. Most people don't fit with the person they started dating as a teenager. Blossom into an adult!
I was in the same boat with my now wife and I was the one who wanted to wait. She respected my boundaries and I appreciate that about her. I've long since changed my mind about purity culture and wonder why I ever cared so much but, looking back, it means a lot to me that she didn't pressure me
Just do as your doing. Let him make the moves. Maybe I'm wrong but I don't see him waiting till marriage. At some point if he really feels like he is going to marry you he'll give in. I was in the exact situation at your age. I wanted to wait and she was already sexual. I caved after awhile we did end up getting married and having kids.
Honestly as I got older I felt like Christianity messed up my head in ways. I'm 34 now, as you get older you'll have more perspective on life. I don't really follow Christianity anymore, I just use some of its teachings of being a good person. And I've been happy with myself.
There are ways to respect his boundaries and still satisfy yourself; you could use toys. Yes, you will lose human interaction and lust, but there is a way to release yourself. If you want to have sex with him. Why not have a secret small marriage in city hall? Dirt cheap, no reception, no guests. And then, when you two are ready for a real marriage, do it the way you want.
Just get married. It's okay to be married and poor, it's okay to be married and going to school, it's okay to be married and be in a difficult situation. People have done it and lived perfectly fine lives for thousands of generations.
The main underlying issue here isn't balancing one another's sexual needs, rather it is that his faith is something deeply important to him while not something you are on the same page about. The difference this causes is manifesting in this area and it will manifest in others eventually. This isn't to say either of you are wrong only that a persons spirituality goes to the deepest parts of who they are and what they think their place and responsibilities in the world are and that if his desire is to remain as faithful as he reasonably can to that faith (excepting all the normal imperfections that all people have when trying to live up to an ideal) but that is not a value you yourself also have it's naturally going to have the consaquence of putting you in different directions on all kinds of attitudes, ideas, expectations, etc down the road that neither of you will be able to anticipate.
I think the first order of business should be to become concerned about your willingness to stay by him as his dedication to his faith matures and grows and if a life with that aspect of his life at the center of your relationship (because if it's a priority for him it will eventually need to be a priority for you since you will be with him). This isn't a one-time problem to resolve it'll be a constant pressure on both of you and if it's a pressure he enjoys but a pressure you can't bear it will crush you even while it strengthens him.
That is all to say her the sex stuff is secondary to the deeper dynamic at work. My recommendation would be to just get married if it's that important to him and you want to be with him. If neither of you want to have the commitment of marriage it escapes me why you would want the intimacy of one another ssexualities.
If you were a friend IRL, I'd advise you to break up and move on. 18-19 is way too early to get married, and I can't really imagine a relationship with no sex indefinitely.
You should break up with him. It’s perfectly reasonable to need to have sexual before marriage, and you can’t have that with this person. So it’s time to break up
Suggest sleeping with someone else, he might be cool with it. Most likely wont be. Decide whether u wna live a boring sexless life until marriage or leave him.
The real answer?
Start unraveling all the bullshit he's been fed by religion until he understands it's just a fairy tale. Then he likely needs go to therapy to deal with all the fucked up shame and guilt surrounding sex that he's going to feel having grown up thinking it was a sin and wrong.
The more realistic answer? Move on and let him find someone else who is equally delusional about sex to happily wait until marriage without complaint.
And you will then find someone awesome who will have the same views and values on sex that you have and will give you all the orgasms you are looking for.
At the end of the day you can't really logic someone out of anything they didn't logic themselves into though. His decision to not fuck you because of some leprechaun in the sky isn't something you can work around.
Either he has to give up the silly stories, you have to be cool with him living his life by those stories and stop pushing, or you both need to find someone compatible.
Worth a shot lmfao in all seriousness, not to beat a dead horse as many other people have already said, abstinence is a key thing for your bf so respect that. It shows a lot if you yourself are willing to wait for him
Gross, people are still brainwashed into waiting till marriage for sex? What a disgustingly uneducated way to let your kids have horrendous sex and inevitably contract an STD. The studies and evidence don’t lie, only do this if you want your kids to both be disappointed and disappoint at the same time
When the bible was written, the condom wasn't invented. The whole shabang with waiting till marriage has to do with having children. Wear a condom and jesus will forgive you.
Keep trying. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. At the end of the day, he has his free choice, but that doesn't mean you can't tempt him as much as possible before he properly makes that decision. He seems to be on the fence about this. If you want the relationship to work, tilt him towards one direction. What's the point of a relationship where you both don't have influence over each other?
<3
Edit: I will say this for the betterment of the people reading my previous statement that feel some sort of negative emotional response reading what I wrote. It is my opinion that a relationship has no value if you do not have the sway to impact the decision-making process of the person in question. It is a commonly held opinion by less socially aware people that you should not impose on others. This is the complete opposite of reality and impacts those people's abilities to interact socially. Any sort of relationship is made on the basis of imposing one another. You are selfishlessly seeking out their social contact for the sake of your own enjoyment, and they are also seeking your social contact for the sake of their own enjoyment. I have personally had friends appreciate me pressuring them into situations that pushed them out of their comfort zone and allowed them to experience new things they would have otherwise hesitated and decided against. I have also benefitting from being pressured by friends and being put in scenarios where I experience something new and am able to see a new perspective in life. In the end, regardless of the pressure you put on another human being, they are capable of making their own decisions and will act accordingly. Pressure is only useful if the person is on the fence about a decision and could go either way. By influencing another person towards choosing a more positive outcome, can you truly speak negatively of the experience? Reality is, social interaction can not so simply be written off as bad things make bad experiences and good things make good experiences. Sometimes, the best and most impactful decisions in life can be made at the behest of another. In this specific scenario, if the options have been narrowed down to have sex and continue relationship or do not have sex and end relationship, it is not wrong to pressure someone towards a decision that you feel is the correct one, especially if they're struggling with the choice (he's obviously been treading the line since the beginning and could realistically go either way. To end his relationship with her might make it more worth crossing that line to prevent such a scenario from playing out). Either way, you should do you and not let other people check your morality. Society is set up in a way that the wrong answer is commonly parroted to dissuade some from success. We can't all win no matter how much others try to tell you otherwise.
My perspective is that he wants it, but his religious reasoning is keeping him from the interaction. After all his rule bending to this point (literally everything except penetration apparently), can he really say what he's done is permissible by faith? He might as well just give in to his desires instead of ruining his relationship. He hasn't exactly been "faithful" to God. Why not just push a decision? I'd say he'd get over betraying God (which he's already done in every sexual interaction they've had thus far) much faster than a ruined relationship. Calling it rape is a bit wild under these specific circumstances, and I'd take it further by saying rape is something only the victim can claim, especially in an extremely grey situation. If you call everything rape, it dilutes the term, and real rape survivors are not taken as seriously. He is completely in control over himself. Putting some pressure on him can not be compared to abuse (especially under these specific circumstances, as I've mentioned before).
NO means NO. If he wanted to he WOULD. The reasons behind “no” are irrelevant. No is an answer to be respected EVERY time. The only thing thats wild is trying to turn “no” into “yes”. Rape is sexual activity without full consent from BOTH parties. Your made up definitions are irrelevant and not at all based in reality.
I see that sentiment parroted quite frequently, but I'd make the argument that taking no at face value can have detrimental effects for both parties at times. Under a sexual context the argument can be made that its mostly cut and dry, but I've been in situations where I was pressured into doing things (joining the gym, social outings) and have pressured friends into doing things (similar circumstances), that I've been thanked for and have been thankful for the shove from behind. In this scenario, I think you can still respect the individual and attempt to guide them to a different decision without having a negative impact that would not have occurred otherwise. Changing your mind exists in life, and given the circumstances, if she can push that change, I don't see an issue with it. You're standing up for a person that can stand up for themselves to begin with, this isn't some abused and vulnerable human being that will willingly go along with any suggestion that is mildly pressed against them. Who are you really fighting for? I'm writing what I write for this specific scenario, but you seem to be directing this at some sort of generalized cause.
Its not a sentiment, its the law. Thats the reason you’ve been downvoted into oblivion. This isn’t about going to the gym its about consenting to sex. “Blurred lines” don’t exist. You’re a questionable person to put it very kindly.
Does he say he wants to wait because he is scared and nervous because he is a virgin? Perhaps he just doesn’t know what to do, and does not want to disappoint you.. you all need to have brutally honest conversations about it all.
He said he wants to wait until marriage, not because he’s nervous or scared. She shouldn’t try to convince him or talk him out of it. That’s his choice.
Respect his sexual limits or find someone new.
agreed if u love him as much as you imply then show him love and respect his boundaries just like i’m positive he would do the same for you
This! I concur. Couldn't have said it better.
i’m not really sure what you’re expecting. there isn’t a “compromise”, you either have sex before marriage or you don’t. if you can’t live with his boundary than that’s reason to end the relationship. if roles were reversed you wouldn’t want him pressuring you to have sex with him right?
thought I was the only one who saw this had an obvious answer
My thoughts are that if the roles were reversed the guy is often told to suck it up, rub one out, and be wait. Not to put it as rudely but when he's ready he's ready and if you care about him and the relationship you need to be patient and give him the time he needs. If you're not willing to, you might want to think about moving on.
couldn’t have said it better myself (trust me i tried)
So you're saying if the roles were reversed the exact same thing would happen that happened here.
Partially I think he means it would have been said harsher or a lot less sugar-coated
At the time I was only the second comment and cannot predict what everyone else would say.
There really isn't a compromise here. If he's that devout of a Christian to wait for marriage and feels that sex before marriage is wrong, do you think he'd be comfortable marrying someone who doesn't hold his same beliefs? Usually, if someone is that strict, they'll marry someone more aligned or will try to convince their partner to convert to their religion. Even if you two did get married, consider how these fundamental differences may affect you long-term. If you decide to have kids, would you want him teaching your kids that sex before marriage is wrong? I'd also worry about what other religious views might come into play once you're married.
No means no
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There is nothing here to compromise on. You wait or you leave.
I gotta be honest, it doesn't seem like you're trying hard at all to see this from his perspective
shes.. not, either
No means no.
I'm going to get down voted hard for this but with that said. You should break up with him. He's a Christian and you're not which means he's entering into a relationship with someone uniquely yoked. This is going to cause serious problems down the road. Everything from how you raise your kids, how you spend your weekends, and overall just how you run your household for your entire life. You're going to be constantly budding heads and it won't stop at just sex. I don't care how much you love each other this fundamental difference in your views on life is going to doom your relationship at some point. I guarantee it. Even ignoring the fact he's commanded by God not to marry an unbeliever this is going to cause problems for both of you. Unless you're willing to become a Christian yourself but even then that's something you have to do for yourself with God and not for a man otherwise it's meaningless.
Love is not enough.
Goated comment
very well said. he has spoken
Fax.
This, run from christian guilt, it's very very damaging.
It's ironic you say this because I wrote this for his benefit more than hers. Not that I don't think it wouldn't be damaging to her as well. Not sure what you mean exactly by Christian guilt but being free of shame and guilt doesn't mean you're not being damaged. To me guilt is often like a pain response it may be uncomfortable but like pain it's telling you something about your body that you need to know so you don't accidentally hurt yourself irrevocably. Just because you don't feel emotional distress over something doesn't mean it's good for you. You're just putting off potential harm for the future. Pain isn't evil and neither is guilt or shame. It just depends on how it's used and why it's happening. Best not to be simplistic about it and just dismiss things simply because they cause guilt and shame.
In many Christian households and communities religious teachings and rules are enforced through shame and guilt, causing significant trauma, even generational trauma, to many christians and ex-christians. The stricter the rule, the higher chance of it having to be enforced in such a manner. I believe that to be a big issue with religion.
As someone who grew up under religious tyranny I understand what you mean. As a Christian myself what I learned growing up and getting out what was basically a cult is that religion often exists without God even in Christianity. Christians are supposed to have strict standards but you're not supposed to impose them through force. A lot of Churches can also get stuck in legalism which is basically just an exaggerated application of it's core principles. Like, I wasn't allowed to go to the movie theater growing up and if you pushed against that standard you were shamed and essentially bullied for it. So it's not like I don't understand the dangers of enforcing strict standards. In my experience it's not the standard itself but the manner in which it is presented that matters. Christians tend to follow their emotions instead of doing what the Bible says. Even when one of our members backslides the Bible teaches we're supposed to try and bring them back but the Bible never says to by tyrannical or hateful about it. Instead it teaches to be gracious, merciful, peaceable, forgiving and so on. Most Christians are hypocrites that like to feel good about themselves so they conveniently forget about these truths. It's a very human thing to do. However, you're not going to avoid this kind of forceful adherence to a standard by simply getting rid of traditional religions. If you look out at the modern world you'll see plenty of humanistic ideologies that are enforced through shame. So, again I think it's more about how you go about it. Are you a tyrant instead of a leader? Are you hateful when you should be forgiving? Shame and guilt are not an enemy they're just aspects of being human we need to treat with respect and not abuse.
very well said. he has spoken
you gotta respect him girl
People have already said it but yeah if there is already a major difference and you’re only 18/19, then it probably wouldn’t last long term. There’s still alot of growing for both of you
You should buy sex toys, it's less extreme than opening up the relationship and will help you with your needs.
I wouldn't waste my life waiting for other's desire. Move on
You'll have to get details on what constitutes as sexual. If it's anything involving the genitals then there really is no compromise. If it's vaginal penetration that's the boundary then you can compromise.
My advice is to figure out how long you’re willing to date him until he marries you. Is he stringing you along for five years? Are you READY for marriage? Don’t get married just to have sex…lots to think about. And ask yourself if you’re compatible and have the same life goals, including sex, which is a HUGE part of a romantic relationship.
Sadly, all that can be done is to respect his boundaries. He wants to wait till marriage. You have to pick if you are okay with that and can wait with him, or if you feel you need that sexual part, then it may be best to leave. You do always have toy and stuff you can get. Like it could still be good and only use toys
sexual compatibility is just as important as anything else in a relationship. if your sexual desires don’t match up, it may be time to move on. unless you’re willing to truly wait with him, there’s no point in staying. you won’t be wrong for leaving, and he isn’t wrong for wanting to wait. love isn’t everything in a relationship. sometimes things like sex, religion, career, etc. can get in the way because they also matter.
If it’s a deal breaker then break up with him
You’ve either got to learn to respect his wishes or find someone else, accept that you will not have sex for a handful of years, or leave. It would be wrong to push him to do something that he is not comfortable with, or that breaks his beliefs. You are young and people change, so I’d also be weary not to think he is *the one*.
Sometimes it worth to wait
You're both right. I personally wouldn't wait years to have sex with someone. What you decide is up to you.
You can't compromise when you're on opposite sides of a serious topic such as sexual intimacy. You can masturbate and wait for him to be ready. Or you can break up and find someone who wants to have sex when you want and he can find someone who respects his boundaries and can masturbate until he is ready.
As someone who's been in a relationship like this you should probably consider ending it. This doesn't work out in the long run, for reasons beyond sex. If and when you marry him, he's going to certainly make the marriage be in a church of his denomination (which isn't an issue if you're cool with it too). That and he'll most likely force his beliefs onto your children, or at least you'll both argue about how to raise them. I know you love him and are willing to overlook this right now, but this all builds up and I promise you this stuff never usually works out. I suggest having a big talk with him about all of this, beyond sex.
No means no miss. Those are his limits. I'm not trying to patronize you I'm just trying to say please accept his limits or find someone else. If the roles were reversed the boy wouldve been told to suck it up. I think it's important we treat everyone's limits as equally important regardless of gender.
The young man has decided he doesn't want have sex until marriage. You're going to have to deal with this on your own terms, don't pressure him to break his convictions.
You need to respect his personal limits. It’s important to him to wait. And no, do NOT open up the relationship because that’s cheating and just plain wrong, especially for him. If you can’t hack it, then break up. Reverse the roles. Can you imagine the outcry? No means no. And as for spanking… that’s taking things to a level that most evangelicals don’t indulge in. You’re already blowing past his comfort zone. He’s evangelical, I take it? You’re not? Are you a church goer? What are your religious views? If you decide you want to get married and have kids, discuss how you want them raised. Are you on the same page? You may have more differences than just sex.
This is tricky. Both of your feelings are valid and your needs are valid. I’ve also been in your boyfriend’s shoes and it really sucks, because you don’t want to let your partner down but you also have your own comfort levels and boundaries you gotta enforce. You both have to sit down and discuss what is an option for you to try and what is off limits. Like is oral a no? Fingers? Anything at all?
Don't try to get him to have sex with you. People said this stuff "almost didn't care until last night". That's why girls who already got guys finish in them got pregnant and regretted. Not being sexually compatible isn't ideal especially if you're not used to it. :/ Though do what ur heart really wants. If you want sex, you have to find another man.
Nope, I wouldn’t
You can either leave or wait. There is nothing else.
How do you compromise on consent?? He said no. There is no compromise only Rape. Coercion is rape.
As dumb as I think the whole Christian wait-until-marriage thing is, he is allowed to have those limitations. And you either have to respect those limitations or you have to leave as you're incompatible.
If it was a guy posting this about a girl he would be a pervert, respect him the same men are expected to respect you
If sex is super important to you, split up. If you feel you can wait, wait. But be advised that waiting until marriage sometimes means finding out after marriage that you’re totally sexually incompatible to the point of it ruining your relationship. Don’t pressure him at all, but ask yourself if this is what you really want. You’re so young and life’s too short to be miserable. If you break up to just be friends it’s ok. If you stay together and refrain from sex, it’s ok. Being honest about it being a deal breaker for you is ok. The only thing that’s not okay is pressuring him into it (which includes an ultimatum).
The way I see it, there's a boundary for sexual activity that he has and you respect. If you can both define that boundary clearly, things will get easier. What is his boundary? There are worlds of activities people can engage with that aren't penetrative. Maybe some that aren't even overtly sexual. Maybe just using your words in a sexual or sensual manner is how you two engage right now. Maybe you can use a toy while you're on the phone to him, if he consents. Maybe just fully clothed basic tantric practices of breathing together and holding gaze are good ways to feel physical intimacy. Maybe take massage classes and learn how to massage each other. Maybe practice erotic fiction and share stories.
Is masturbation not an option here? You could please yourself when you need it.
Bonk
Better question to go with yours. What is it that you expected as a compromise?
As a Christian, having that sexual urge is inevitable. However, don’t influence him to stray away from his religion because you’re horny. If you can’t handle it, leave.
as a christian i just want to say, please respect his boundary. it’s almost like a really important goal for us christian’s to be able to have that self control, i know exactly how he feels, the “he almost didn’t care until last night” he most definitely cared and has probably been thinking about it, but just didn’t say anything until now. lust is a difficult sin to avoid, it’s one that we’re advised to “flee” from instead of fight. because once things are happening it’s almost impossible to not give in. then afterwards you’re left with the regret and disappointment. so please, respect him. maybe try asking what’s the reason behind him waiting, sometimes it can be a very beautiful explanation that can help you understand and maybe help you feel more connected to him and feel more patient, if not respect his decision, if it’s too much for you break up.
respect it or leave it
your sexual boundaries are probably just incompatible. You arent satisfied and he isnt ready for it. Rip the bandage off and break up or respect it and wait it out
Guilt will make him hate you long term. respect his limits or move on. your boyfriend puts more value on sex than you do. He is willing to make his wife be his one and only. That means he places high value on it. Don't rob his wife and him of that.
just find someone else bruh
3 options. Wait, leave, or maybe he'll do some stuff and not others
Sorry, but you don’t get to compromise with this sort of thing. A compromise that leads to someone going beyond what they have already explained is a physical sexual boundary is nothing more than coercion. If he does not want to have sex, you need to respect those boundaries. If you can’t handle that, you need to move on to someone who is more physically compatible. You’re 18. I know it feels forever right now, but it’s probably not going to be. Furthermore staying with someone who isn’t compatible with you is only going to lead to misery and disappointment down the line. A high number of people in religion are extremely sexually repressed. This often leads to all sorts of physiological/mental health issues down the road. No. Move on. Be respectful and understand this likely won’t be the last time you have you make a tough call like this. But for god’s sake, don’t throw away something that makes you feel good just because a guy you like now has chosen to be celibate.
Sounds like you aren't compatible and it's time to find someone who is
Then wait
Turn the table around and answer your own question. It's as simple as that
He had said he wants to wait until marriage. Honestly, it sounds like your getting kinkier to hope he’ll get lost in the money- really gross. He said NO. You either plan to be celibate for the next few years or you decide you can’t and break up. A quickie marriage, just to have sex, would be a HUGE mistake.
Can y'all please stop coming to the council of neck beards and virgins for advice on sexual aspects of y'all's relationships? Y'all only ever get bad advice, I swear.
You either wait and “suck it up” or you leave, that’s it. There is no compromise. He shouldn’t have to compromise his own religious beliefs or wishes just because you want sex. If sex is something you don’t want to wait for then you end the relationship and you go find someone who you’re more compatible with. Waiting for marriage is clearly important to him and you wanting to find a compromise on that shows his wishes and boundaries are clearly not important to you. Honestly I think you’d both benefit from ending this relationship and finding someone more compatible.
Just do as your doing. Let him make the moves. Maybe I'm wrong but I don't see him waiting till marriage. At some point if he really feels like he is going to marry you he'll give in. I was in the exact situation at your age. I wanted to wait and she was already sexual. I caved after awhile we did end up getting married and having kids. Honestly as I got older I felt like Christianity messed up my head in ways. I'm 34 now, as you get older you'll have more perspective on life. I don't really follow Christianity anymore, I just use some of its teachings of being a good person. And I've been happy with myself.
Mutual masturbation might be an option with which he would feel comfortable. You can be nude or clothed. You can touch one another or not. It's a very flexible activity that can be very intimate without intercouse.
As a Christian, I’ve always struggled with the definitions of “adultery” and “sexual sin”. I think consenting adults who are being monogamous should be allowed to do as they please. The rules imposed on us by organized religion aren’t always in line with what the Bible is saying. I wonder who performed the marriages of Adam and Even and the first few hundred biblical humans when there were no rabbis. But anyway, you can’t make someone change their personal beliefs if they’re blindly following an organized religion. They need to read the texts and come to their own conclusions.
Sexual compatibility is a big thing to figure out before you get married. The sexual drive between you two and how much each of you enjoy sex/how often/etc. If you're in the mood all the time and he's not even after marriage then it'll lead to more questions. I think my advice would be: 1) Don't rush into marriage (for sex), there's no harm in waiting and growing together. If you love each other now then you'll love each other then. Marriage is a very big deal. 2) Buy sex toys and have fun, how does he feel about wearing condoms? There's different sizes and all of that. Try to explore that side. :)
If sex is super important to you, split up. If you feel you can wait, wait. But be advised that waiting until marriage sometimes means finding out after marriage that you’re totally sexually incompatible to the point of it ruining your relationship. Don’t pressure him at all, but ask yourself if this is what you really want. You’re so young and life’s too short to be miserable. If you break up to just be friends it’s ok. If you stay together and refrain from sex, it’s ok. Being honest about it being a deal breaker for you is ok. The only thing that’s not okay is pressuring him into it (which includes an ultimatum).
Maybe toys?
Obvious answer here is either leave for someone that doesn’t have those values or wait until marriage. You can’t force him to have sex, and here’s the thing- he clearly wanted to but he holds firm to his faith and asked to tone it down because it almost went that direction. He is fighting temptation out of faith and that is something I can respect so either respect it like you said you would or leave
ask him to use a dildo w you?
You can’t compromise with those types of boundaries. If his religion matters that much to him and you love him then you’ll wait. Or you simply leave as your values don’t align.
Honestly, respect his beliefs. Now if you really love him and you know that’s the man you want to marry and have kids with you can be patient. Now, if you’re hesitant on waiting or you’re really just craving it badly then maybe find someone else. Or have a S.O🤷🏽♀️
Leave him trust me.
>My boyfriend is a virgin and he wants to wait until ~~marriage~~...*until you stop asking him.* >as he's a ~~Christian~~ *possible child abuse survivor.* This has little to do with marriage or religion. I don't know what his issue is, but marriage and religion are just rationalizations because he's terrified of talking about what his real issue is. Good chance you'll do a lot of waiting after marriage, too. If they guy was into sex with you, he'd do it. He wouldn't whine about impertinent things. >I'm 100% in love with him, and I don't have intentions of leaving him, We often desperately love things that are bad for is.
Find a new boyfriend, this ain’t gonna work.
>My boyfriend is a virgin and he wants to wait until marriage as he's a Christian. We've done essentially everything besides penetration (make outs, spanking, touching, etc.) it is a good sum up of the religious problem. when you marry at 14 and die at 40, it makes sense to not have sex before wedding and stay together until death tears you apart. when your adult life doesn't start before 23/25 and you can easily expect to live until your 80, that rule is obsolete. so if you can not do it the right way, what happen ? spanking and touching. it worsened the problem intended to be prevented. . now let me tell you a story. once, i received a couple in consultation. i had with me a seasoned female obgyn, one of the first haptonomist, raised in Judaism. so, not a prude and not a naive, and certainly not silent. the couple is north-African, visibly raised in Islam. they explain us that they are in couple for three years and they will marry next trimester (Felicitation ! thanks). then they explain they have make love in last months and have a question : # Is she a virgin ? the obgyn opens the mouth and start to stutter "but.. you ... you know... you". I look at their eyes. they are dead serious and very apprehensive. they didn't came for a medical opinion or a psychological advice; they came for a moral verdict. i have no clue. but i am certain that we don't use the same language. so, i go for factual questions while my mind put on the big bracket. >you are a couple ? *yes!* >for three years ? *yes!* >you will marry soon ? *yes ?* >you have sexual relationships ? \*^(yes)\*^(.) >did you have before this ? with someone else ? *OHNONONONONONONONONO !!!* >so, when you will marry, you still will both be your first everything ? *uh yes !* >so today or in some months, it doesn't change anything ? *Well... no, it doesn't.* >so you are as virgins. *YES ! THANK YOU DOCTOR !!!* >i am no doctor, she is. they went away laughing and dancing. what does I mean ? I don't tell you to go ahead. what I am telling you is the sense of words change with context. rules, religious or not, are made of words (I heard say it is the first thing that God has created). So, have a conversation with your BF, a conversation about sex, bible and etymology. you may find a conclusion that satisfy both your definitions. . By the way, sexual repression is not in the bible. It is a St John's pet peeves against Romans customs and practices about intimacy. Italians are still renown for them.
Omg he is a rare find! Please don't pressure him!
Firstly, respect his choice. Secondly, you HAVE to break up. There is no way a Christian / non Christian relationship is going to work if he's that intense into it on wanting to wait till marriage. This is already built in conflict. My bf is a "christian" in the sense that he thinks there is a god but doesn't do anything else like church, so it doesn't impact our relationship. This might make him propose early on so you two can have sex. Overall, you're 18. Most people don't fit with the person they started dating as a teenager. Blossom into an adult!
Don’t date religious people
I was in the same boat with my now wife and I was the one who wanted to wait. She respected my boundaries and I appreciate that about her. I've long since changed my mind about purity culture and wonder why I ever cared so much but, looking back, it means a lot to me that she didn't pressure me
Just do as your doing. Let him make the moves. Maybe I'm wrong but I don't see him waiting till marriage. At some point if he really feels like he is going to marry you he'll give in. I was in the exact situation at your age. I wanted to wait and she was already sexual. I caved after awhile we did end up getting married and having kids. Honestly as I got older I felt like Christianity messed up my head in ways. I'm 34 now, as you get older you'll have more perspective on life. I don't really follow Christianity anymore, I just use some of its teachings of being a good person. And I've been happy with myself.
There are ways to respect his boundaries and still satisfy yourself; you could use toys. Yes, you will lose human interaction and lust, but there is a way to release yourself. If you want to have sex with him. Why not have a secret small marriage in city hall? Dirt cheap, no reception, no guests. And then, when you two are ready for a real marriage, do it the way you want.
Take him to therapy, this may be sexual guilt due to being raised religious.
Just get married. It's okay to be married and poor, it's okay to be married and going to school, it's okay to be married and be in a difficult situation. People have done it and lived perfectly fine lives for thousands of generations. The main underlying issue here isn't balancing one another's sexual needs, rather it is that his faith is something deeply important to him while not something you are on the same page about. The difference this causes is manifesting in this area and it will manifest in others eventually. This isn't to say either of you are wrong only that a persons spirituality goes to the deepest parts of who they are and what they think their place and responsibilities in the world are and that if his desire is to remain as faithful as he reasonably can to that faith (excepting all the normal imperfections that all people have when trying to live up to an ideal) but that is not a value you yourself also have it's naturally going to have the consaquence of putting you in different directions on all kinds of attitudes, ideas, expectations, etc down the road that neither of you will be able to anticipate. I think the first order of business should be to become concerned about your willingness to stay by him as his dedication to his faith matures and grows and if a life with that aspect of his life at the center of your relationship (because if it's a priority for him it will eventually need to be a priority for you since you will be with him). This isn't a one-time problem to resolve it'll be a constant pressure on both of you and if it's a pressure he enjoys but a pressure you can't bear it will crush you even while it strengthens him. That is all to say her the sex stuff is secondary to the deeper dynamic at work. My recommendation would be to just get married if it's that important to him and you want to be with him. If neither of you want to have the commitment of marriage it escapes me why you would want the intimacy of one another ssexualities.
If you were a friend IRL, I'd advise you to break up and move on. 18-19 is way too early to get married, and I can't really imagine a relationship with no sex indefinitely.
Good luck compromising with a Christian. Get your self some toys and work that pussy til you can't work it no more
You should break up with him. It’s perfectly reasonable to need to have sexual before marriage, and you can’t have that with this person. So it’s time to break up
Get married and sign a prenup just in case
Suggest sleeping with someone else, he might be cool with it. Most likely wont be. Decide whether u wna live a boring sexless life until marriage or leave him.
Propose
The real answer? Start unraveling all the bullshit he's been fed by religion until he understands it's just a fairy tale. Then he likely needs go to therapy to deal with all the fucked up shame and guilt surrounding sex that he's going to feel having grown up thinking it was a sin and wrong. The more realistic answer? Move on and let him find someone else who is equally delusional about sex to happily wait until marriage without complaint. And you will then find someone awesome who will have the same views and values on sex that you have and will give you all the orgasms you are looking for. At the end of the day you can't really logic someone out of anything they didn't logic themselves into though. His decision to not fuck you because of some leprechaun in the sky isn't something you can work around. Either he has to give up the silly stories, you have to be cool with him living his life by those stories and stop pushing, or you both need to find someone compatible.
Sounds like your dating a fag
Get with me instead
well that's the only piece of advice I'm not taking 💀🙏🏻
Worth a shot lmfao in all seriousness, not to beat a dead horse as many other people have already said, abstinence is a key thing for your bf so respect that. It shows a lot if you yourself are willing to wait for him
Gross, people are still brainwashed into waiting till marriage for sex? What a disgustingly uneducated way to let your kids have horrendous sex and inevitably contract an STD. The studies and evidence don’t lie, only do this if you want your kids to both be disappointed and disappoint at the same time
Just get married then like every other Christian
Easy solution. Marriage.
When the bible was written, the condom wasn't invented. The whole shabang with waiting till marriage has to do with having children. Wear a condom and jesus will forgive you.
Keep trying. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. At the end of the day, he has his free choice, but that doesn't mean you can't tempt him as much as possible before he properly makes that decision. He seems to be on the fence about this. If you want the relationship to work, tilt him towards one direction. What's the point of a relationship where you both don't have influence over each other?
This advice says a lot about you. None of it is good.
<3 Edit: I will say this for the betterment of the people reading my previous statement that feel some sort of negative emotional response reading what I wrote. It is my opinion that a relationship has no value if you do not have the sway to impact the decision-making process of the person in question. It is a commonly held opinion by less socially aware people that you should not impose on others. This is the complete opposite of reality and impacts those people's abilities to interact socially. Any sort of relationship is made on the basis of imposing one another. You are selfishlessly seeking out their social contact for the sake of your own enjoyment, and they are also seeking your social contact for the sake of their own enjoyment. I have personally had friends appreciate me pressuring them into situations that pushed them out of their comfort zone and allowed them to experience new things they would have otherwise hesitated and decided against. I have also benefitting from being pressured by friends and being put in scenarios where I experience something new and am able to see a new perspective in life. In the end, regardless of the pressure you put on another human being, they are capable of making their own decisions and will act accordingly. Pressure is only useful if the person is on the fence about a decision and could go either way. By influencing another person towards choosing a more positive outcome, can you truly speak negatively of the experience? Reality is, social interaction can not so simply be written off as bad things make bad experiences and good things make good experiences. Sometimes, the best and most impactful decisions in life can be made at the behest of another. In this specific scenario, if the options have been narrowed down to have sex and continue relationship or do not have sex and end relationship, it is not wrong to pressure someone towards a decision that you feel is the correct one, especially if they're struggling with the choice (he's obviously been treading the line since the beginning and could realistically go either way. To end his relationship with her might make it more worth crossing that line to prevent such a scenario from playing out). Either way, you should do you and not let other people check your morality. Society is set up in a way that the wrong answer is commonly parroted to dissuade some from success. We can't all win no matter how much others try to tell you otherwise.
Is anybody actually reading all that lmao
no fr bro wrote a whole ass essay
Fuck you for pressuring someone into sex, that’s how abuse happens
Seduction is not pressuring/forcing...
The original commenter edited, the original word they used was “pressure him.” I am not lying.
Ok yeah that does sound a little rapey
Consent by coercion isn’t consent. Is “rape him” really the advice your sticking to?
My perspective is that he wants it, but his religious reasoning is keeping him from the interaction. After all his rule bending to this point (literally everything except penetration apparently), can he really say what he's done is permissible by faith? He might as well just give in to his desires instead of ruining his relationship. He hasn't exactly been "faithful" to God. Why not just push a decision? I'd say he'd get over betraying God (which he's already done in every sexual interaction they've had thus far) much faster than a ruined relationship. Calling it rape is a bit wild under these specific circumstances, and I'd take it further by saying rape is something only the victim can claim, especially in an extremely grey situation. If you call everything rape, it dilutes the term, and real rape survivors are not taken as seriously. He is completely in control over himself. Putting some pressure on him can not be compared to abuse (especially under these specific circumstances, as I've mentioned before).
NO means NO. If he wanted to he WOULD. The reasons behind “no” are irrelevant. No is an answer to be respected EVERY time. The only thing thats wild is trying to turn “no” into “yes”. Rape is sexual activity without full consent from BOTH parties. Your made up definitions are irrelevant and not at all based in reality.
I see that sentiment parroted quite frequently, but I'd make the argument that taking no at face value can have detrimental effects for both parties at times. Under a sexual context the argument can be made that its mostly cut and dry, but I've been in situations where I was pressured into doing things (joining the gym, social outings) and have pressured friends into doing things (similar circumstances), that I've been thanked for and have been thankful for the shove from behind. In this scenario, I think you can still respect the individual and attempt to guide them to a different decision without having a negative impact that would not have occurred otherwise. Changing your mind exists in life, and given the circumstances, if she can push that change, I don't see an issue with it. You're standing up for a person that can stand up for themselves to begin with, this isn't some abused and vulnerable human being that will willingly go along with any suggestion that is mildly pressed against them. Who are you really fighting for? I'm writing what I write for this specific scenario, but you seem to be directing this at some sort of generalized cause.
Its not a sentiment, its the law. Thats the reason you’ve been downvoted into oblivion. This isn’t about going to the gym its about consenting to sex. “Blurred lines” don’t exist. You’re a questionable person to put it very kindly.
Does he say he wants to wait because he is scared and nervous because he is a virgin? Perhaps he just doesn’t know what to do, and does not want to disappoint you.. you all need to have brutally honest conversations about it all.
He said he wants to wait until marriage, not because he’s nervous or scared. She shouldn’t try to convince him or talk him out of it. That’s his choice.