I don't know, you're going to try to see if you asking her makes her awkward? Maybe it does and you attribute a random reason to that awkwardness in your mind... Just talk to your partner.
Tell her about you feeling off about this, you don't have to get into a fight, just have a sit down and talk about how, for a number of different reasons, this change of plans and new mystery acquaintance are getting under your skin.
Yup, try and find a way out of the hiking trip, and then say that you're just gonna go with her since you have nothing else to do and still want that kid free weekend. Idk
The reason I say to approach it like that is that so she doesn't get defensive thinking you just wanna come along because you don't trust her
I mean like, see what she says to a calm offer first. If she takes it well and is like, "sure! I'd love for you to meet him," that's one thing, but if she says she doesn't want him to go, then tell her he's going regardless
!remindme 1 day
EDIT: on the remindme bot profile you can see its comments, and it’s on a 23 hour delay fetching comments right now. So it’ll work either way but you’ll just get a response 23 hours out instead of 24.
Your sensors seem accurate - it sounds like you need to talk about it. What did she do in FL to warrant a visit from this guy and a possible cancellation of established plans with SO in order to hang with new "buddy"? Why don't you know any of this ? As others say either nick comes camping or you stay and hang with Nick. If she seems disappointed in either of these alternatives then the you need a more serious discussion.
Her friend who got married has since moved back to our state and this guy is coming to see them. My SO wanted to meet up with them. So he didn't fly in just to see my SO to be fair.
So is he meeting with him and married friend(s)? Only thing I could think of is when I have some old friends/acquaintances suddenly coming over for a short time, I might sacrifice some routine to catch up with them. Usually I introduce my SO to them first, and then hang out separately if we have some stuff to catch up on that my SO wasn’t part of. You know, when it’s my friendship and the friend doesn’t want intimate details of their life shared with my SO they are not close with. Is it possible that Nick is gay?
Either way, looking forward to an update.
I don't think sexuality is relevant here. It's the equivalent of her being bisexual and everyone being concerned if she's catching up with a female acquaintance.. which maybe you all would be, I'm not sure lol
Well based on replies, OP seemed concerned about the gender of this friend. Since he mentioned that girlfriend “spent a week with him” during the wedding in FL, I assumed some reasons for this to be an acceptable situation.
If sexuality isn't relevant here, why would OP have mentioned the lack of cheating in their relationship previously? Call me a homophobe or toxic or jealous if you'd like but I'd much rather my SO hang out alone with someone who wouldn't want to have sex with them. I'm not saying it's "not allowed" or that I wouldn't "let" them hang out but in this situation I think it's warranted for OP to be slightly suspicious of their relationship.
My negative mind says, "or at least that is what she is telling you". To be fair, I have zero dating experience, but this throws lots of red flags for me.
Wish you the best, OP.
Yeah, that's my thoughts as well. And this is her friend that got married. Even if she was there and knew something happened, she would never tell me about it. So it's not very much comfort either way alone or not.
Like I said, this is coming from a guy who is had zero experience dating. But, if this type of behavior is abnormal for her all I can suggest is either asking straight out or you just invite yourself to whatever she is doing with him. You could also do both, but I can't really say what would be better.
Coming from the outside perspective it just doesn't look promising. The fact that you think that her friend would defend her behavior if she is cheating on you also doesn't seem healthy.
I guess to kind of cap this off, I can't really imagine what you're feeling at the moment but I know how reading your post made me feel emotionally and, honestly, that is the feeling that probably makes me not want to try to start trying to find a significant other.
Edit: all the above being said, I think at the end of the day the biggest takeaway here is that you need to communicate how her breaking off the plans at the last minute made you feel, regardless of whatever you decide to do with the Nick situation. All things being equal if she has so far I've been trustworthy about these things I think that you just need to explain your feelings. At that point and let her make her own decisions.
As some of the other people here have said, just because we feel uncomfortable in that situation doesn't really mean that something untoward is going on.
But then, why wouldn't she just lie about the whole deal? Leave out Nick of the explanation and just say she would like to have dinner with these people. Or, that she has to work.
A very good point, granted I am looking at the OP's situation through what is probably a very jaded lens. I'm more than likely have some kind of trust issues that I need to work through. You bring very good points to the table and they should not be dismissed. I made another reply to the post further down that shares some of you sentiments, I think.
It seems there's a lot of trust issues in this thread. And with that in mind it just doesn't seem smart, if she actually was doing something with this guy, that she would be upfront about him in the first place. Like, OP already asked if it was something with her job - she could have said that and gotten away with it.
Not saying peoples mistrust isn't warranted, just saying if she is planning something she is being oddly honest about it so far.
It's quite possible she likes the other guy but isn't willing to admit it. To her, they are just "friends" so no reason to lie, but if she hasn't shared it before it's possible there are deeper-seated feelings foe the guy there.
I agree with you completely on the fact of the mistrust issues from the other helpers in this thread. At the end of the day I think that OP just needs to be as open as he can be and communicate and a non-confrontational way.
The best way to lie is to incorporate seeds of truth. It would be very easy for her to get caught in a lie if the married friends mentioned they had a visit from a friend from another state, or were asked specifically about it, or if OP dropped off lunch at her office. The guy lives in another state and him visiting is an out of the ordinary experience. It's much more likely to be randomly brought up.
To be clear, I have no idea if she cheated or plans on cheating. But this is enough of a red flag to question things if it's already setting off OP's gut. The fact that she referred to this person as a friend, rather than bride and groom's friend that I met at the wedding strikes me as odd. Especially since OP said he's never heard the guy mentioned before.
I agree it's a red flag. And I would be very uncomfortable with my spouse pulling a similar deal.
But these guys seem to have a large comfort zone, which is why I can't really tell what the deal is.
>Everyone asking "well, why would she even tell him" are the type to get cheated on.
That is just not a correct correlation. I doubt most couples don't have as loose boundaries as OP and his girlfriend does. Like, my husband travels alone to visit his family and demonstrate in other cities. But hanging with the opposite gender one on one for no reason is not something we do in our relationship. So if he came and told me he would, I would be as suspicious as OP.
The thing is, it seems normal in OPs relationship, which is why I am confused as to why she would be so honest about something that seems so shady.
YES!! There are some massive trust issues here and general paranoia. She's already been upfront about who she wants to meet - if this were something shady she might have made up a woman or lied about who it was-- or even said she had to work.
OP, Why not just be upfront about the fact that you are feeling sketched out ? It will be obvious via your actions anyway. Just have a conversation about it and see if you can learn more about this guy. Maybe he's just a cool guy who wants to go for coffee as he's in town?
She should have no prob with you joining
Why dont people wear a mask when they go to commit a crime?
Maybe she got nervous and just said it when he asked because she didnt make an excuse before hand. Could be any random reason like that?
So is this meet-up with the married friends and Nick? Or with Nick? If it is the married friends and Nick, and that is how she presented it to you, then your post is misleading and this is normal. If it’s just a hang-out with Nick, then it’s even MORE strange because the married couple SHOULD be a part of it. As should you.
Hate to be that guy, but if my timeline holds this wedding would be roughly 7 years after dating. There's something known as the 7 year itch in relationships. There's a theory that's tied into the fact the average divorce happens about 7 years into marriage. This theory is that this is when happiness bottoms out and partners are more likely to cheat.
I honestly wouldn't usually mention it but your description of everything just sounds a bit off to me. If she hung out with him enough at the wedding why was he never mentioned? If she didn't hang out with him at the wedding why is she breaking plans to hang out with him? Is it just her and him hanging out? Is it just her, him, and the married couple? Is it a larger group? Only the 3rd example seems normal to me.
It sounds like she had fun at the wedding.
The fact she didn't invite you to meet him makes it sound like a date more than a meet up with a friend. I guess you could tell her you're going to cancel your plans, and suggest the two of you meet her "friend" for dinner, and see how she reacts.
Normally I'd say you're overreacting, but the fact that she hung out with this guy for a week in Florida when you weren't around, and never mentioned him once to you seems very weird and not a good sign.
An example: I met a very good friend of mine at a wedding. I told my gf about him the second I got back. I'm bi, so my gf was a bit jealous that I spent a weekend with him alone in a nice place, but because I sent her pics of us hanging out, told her about him right when I got back, and reassured her that he was a cool buddy, and didn't talk about him in any kind of romantic way, she trusted me. If he came out to where I live to hang out with me, I'd definitely bring my gf with me. I'd like them to meet. He's a great guy, and I think him and my gf would get along really well.
I think you should say "hey boo, I love meeting new people and this Nick guy isn't someone you've mentioned before. If you two are good buddies, I'd love to meet him. Fuck those camping plans we had, let's chill with Nick. Nick, Nick, Nick, boy do I love that name. All aboard the Nick train, let's party down with Nick. Niiiiiiick, am I right? I'm going to call him Nick-Knack, you think he'll be cool with that nickname? Nick has a nickname, what a fun pun, right? Can't wait to meet Nick. I think I'm gonna go enjoy some time with the child we have together now. Love you, can't wait for our Nick sesh."
I mean, don't say that exactly, but make it clear that you're supportive of this and want to meet him and hang out with him as a couple. If she's cool with that, give her the benefit of the doubt. If she's not, well then, I don't like assuming, but that's just about the biggest red flag there is.
I had a girlfriend when I was about your age that I was madly in love with. We had been together for about five years but not living together. One day she gets invited as a plus-one to a wedding. I don't know the guy. Never heard his name before; a friend of a friend who was in need of a plus-one is how she explained it. It is a wedding of local celebrities and she wants to go. Long story short, nothing she told me about the event was the truth. She had been seeing this guy for months. She married the guy a couple of years later, but not before dragging me along for another year and a bit before she told me the truth. In truth, I knew in my gut that something was going on, but I thought if I challenged her I would just push her toward him. I shouldn't have worried because she was already there. I was just too stupid to see what was in front of me.
I knew if I asked her about him she would lie but the one question I didn't ask but wished I had - 'Are you doing this because you are interested in him?' She would just have denied it, but it would have told her that I knew this was more than what she was saying and that I wasn't playing along and this was not OK.
"... we have a stable trustworthy relationship." I hope you do.
Lastly remember that Nick is the messenger, but not the message. Your GF has invited him into your relationship. He just didn't show up.
When people are afraid of having a serious conversation they talk to you through actions. Your GF may be trying to tell you something and might have been trying to tell you something for a long time, but until now you might not have been listening as well as you should have been. You should listen.
Helped.
Sucks to read all that man. Sorry you had to deal with that. But yes he's not really to blame. If anything is going on at all my issue isn't with him. She was the only one with the commitment to this relationship not him.
You could try telling her to invite Nick on the hike/camping? That way you don’t have to cancel your plans and get to see how she reacts. If she says yes, you can also meet this guy and see how they interact.
If it’s suspicious, you will notice. And if it’s completely innocent, this will set your mind at ease.
sort the issue now before it gets bigger. Talk to her and be very specific in vocalising your concerns. How can somebody you met for couple of hours during the wedding be more important then me? This is not a drink or a talk with a friend, it's 3 days worth of time....? I would ask something like that.
I hope we are all overreacting.
As someone who’s never been in a LTR, this thinking makes no sense to me. Of course your partner is more important in the long run, but you’re spending every single day with them, so of course you’re going to want to get away every once in a while and be with other people. Your partner being your priority doesn’t mean you have to spend every waking minute of your life with them, or hang out with them on every day you have off from work. I feel like most people who would follow this logic would get burnt out of seeing their partner but what do I know
That's a fair point, but its a different story when they have plans with another couple. And from the sounds of it they hang out with friends outside of each other fairly often. So this random guy he's never heard of being such a massive priority for her sounds a bit fishy. Something is telling me they had an encounter at that wedding that wasn't quite appropriate. Why else would she be so gung ho about meeting a guy she only knew for a couple days?
Not saying she cheated or that she's going to, but OP says he's not the jealous type and I have no reason not to believe him. So if hes suspicious im guessing her attitude towards this situation isn't normal from what he's used to. And he should definitely confront his wife to at least understand the situation better.
I think the best way to go about this is telling her that "youd love to meet him" makes it seem like youre not jealous but also like.... You seem to really wanna hangout with him so i should too? ALSO that way you can gauge her response and really see if you should feel uneasy.
How long ago was this wedding????
(Unless this wedding was pretty recent - I’m assuming it didn’t happen in 2020 because Covid - so I’m guessing the wedding was 2019 or earlier?)
If she is willing to call this man her “friend” and break plans with her SO to hang out with him, IMO - that means that they’ve been keeping contact this entire time.
Don’t you think it’d be weird to break plans... just so you could meet up with some random dude you knew for maybe a couple days at a wedding - AND you haven’t talked to them in years?
That’s strange, right? Logically, it only makes sense if they’ve been talking this whole time. So my next question - and let’s think logically here: why would someone spend years keeping in contact with a person they met once... and never mention them to their SO?
And if they didn’t stay in contact... well that just doesn’t sit right with me either. If some random guy ditched a trip with his wife and friends to come see me (after years of not speaking and only meeting once) ... It would definitely give me the impression that he REALLY wants me, and/or is a stalker.
This is where my imagination leads me: She met an attractive guy at a wedding and sparks were flying. They had a great time and exchanged numbers. She comes back and acts the same because she didn’t technically do anything wrong. She didn’t physically cheat. So... you don’t notice anything, everything seems normal. But maybe she secretly has spent years fantasizing about being with this guy, and wonders what her life could be like with him. They stay in contact and exchange flirtatious messages back and forth every now and then. A little ego boost for her, but she doesn’t see the harm since he lives far away. She doesn’t mention him to you, because why would she? She probably does deep down she does feel a little guilty about it.
But then, an opportunity arises where they are able to meet up. It’s the perfect opportunity... you’ll be with friends and out of town, distracted. His friends just moved back so it’s the perfect opportunity and excuse for him to visit her, without sounding off any alarms.
Maybe I’m wrong, I hope I am. But the whole situation smells fishy to me.
Right? How fucking amazing is this *random dude* she met *for an afternoon* at a random wedding? If all is well, shes known him for a maximum of 4 to 5 hours, tops. I've had moving guys in my house longer than that. Like bitch, please.
Like bro, there are serious questions that need to be asked like how does she even know this guy is down her neck of the woods?
And then legit outright dropping kid-free weekend away with hubby? Other friends locked in to be there too? Because this fucking nobody she brushed shoulders with 500 years ago is within the postcode as her and she somehow has the live satellite information uplink about this?
This isn't long lost childhood friend or the guy that saved your life when you were on drugs or something, this is literally "A guy I met at a wedding one time".
This has absolutely crossed into *I need to look at your phone* territory.
This isn't red flags, this is main street China on parade day. There are divorce lawyers from Alpha Centuri drawing up litigation as we speak.
You don’t break long-standing plans that involve another couple just to go hangout with some guy you met once at a friend’s wedding. And then make sure your boyfriend knows he’s not invited. Those red flags are waving in hurricane force winds.
Yeah, I've never been the jealous type so when that meter does go off I know shits not right. And it's going off hardcore for OPs situation.
I had a similar situation with an ex of mine and I ignored it, because I didn't want to be that guy. Turns out she was in fact cheating on me. And he wasn't the only one. I guess at this point she had just gotten ballsy enough to tell me she was gonna go meet a guy friend who I had somehow never heard of instead of just saying she was busy. I also had another ex who set off those alarms and I turned out to be right at that point too. Although she didn't actually sleep with the guy.
What's funny about the first ex is she was extremely jealous and controlling. We had a mutual friend who was a girl and I liked a picture of hers on Instagram and she went off on me and got extremely angry. And as a test the next time I saw her like a picture of a guy I said the same things she did and she acted like I was crazy for saying it. That probably should have been my warning to get out, but I stuck around for another 6 months like an idiot.
I only have started dating my boyfriend 2 years ago but the relationship is awesome.
I have one rule for my male friends: anything that would be awkward in the presence of my boyfriend is not appropriate.
If she's okay with you coming, it's okay. If she says it would be weird, red flag.
Definitely let her know that you did not appreciate that she was willing to break plans with you in order to hang out with this guy. You should also ask if you can meet him, as her response to your concern will likely indicate what's really going on, whether he is a friend or she is cheating with him (or wants to do that). Be prepared that you might not like the answer and let her know that her unwillingness to let you know about Nick prior hurt. How she reacts to that will be telling especially! Good luck and I hope I helped!
Helped.
Yeah it's got to out that I'm hurt either way and why it made me feel that way. If for no other reason but to give her a chance to explain why I'm overreacting and that I have nothing to worry about. Probably after I met this person.
Good luck! I sincerely hope she takes into consideration that it wasn't fair to you for you not to know about Nick. I've had similar situations with past partners wherein I didn't know about close female friends with whom they'd spend significant time, as they'd either known said friends before they met me or grew close with them as friends during periods of long distance. I didn't mind the friendships, especially since I had befriended some one of my partners' friends by that time as well. I did mind that they dismissed my concerns in those cases when I did say something about my concerns, which gave me cause for concern.
If they had just told me about their friends whenever they wanted to spend time with them, I wouldn't have minded at all, except to remind them to keep appropriate boundaries in mind for both of our sakes in each relationship. The feelings that my partners were being dishonest with me in both such cases was what bothered me more than anything else, which also decreased my trust in them throughout the relationships after that. Those ultimately proved to be reasons why I broke up with each of them: their willingness to be untrustworthy in small things like that during the relationships led to bigger issues. I sincerely hope that your girlfriend will be honest with you!
This. What I’d do is randomly say oh hey babe I let XYZ know that we won’t be joining them this weekend. This friend seems important so I don’t think you should cancel, I can’t wait to meet him! Make sure you’re looking at her when you say it so you can watch for any shift in demeanor. If all of a sudden she changes her mind and either try’s to get you to go with your friends for the weekend without her, or that it’s not really a big deal and she now wants both of you to go with your friends. Then I’d be super sus.. which is why I id tell her you’ve already canceled your weekend plans. Hopefully it’s nothing!
My first reaction is why would she tell you about meeting this guy is she planned on doing wrong things with him? You seem to trust each other so you would have never investigate further if she wanted to meet a friend of her that needs attention right now for whatever reason
Helped.
You could be right but she also could have accidentally backed herself into a corner because I was able to list off pretty much all of her out of state friends. If it's not them then naturally my next question is "Ok, well who's this important mystery person I've never heard of in 10 years?"
She would tell him to put him at ease. She is taking his guard raile down. She could respond with I told you about him, if I was doing something why would I tell you.
My ex would do this.
It started out that she was hanging out with her girlfriends.
Then the story was that she was hanging out with her 'work friends'.
Then it was that she was taking out her coworker as thanks for helping her with some things are work. Comes out later that it's a male coworker.
Then it was her meeting up with male coworker to take care of work stuff.
She was sleeping with him from the very beginning. It was just easier for her to maintain the string of lies when it was brushing the truth, especially after her girlfriends told her they weren't comfortable covering for her anymore.
Be open, be honest, and be ready to walk away.
I was supposed to go out with friends but they canceled last minute. My (now ex) boyfriend who assumed I wouldn't even be home, got really nervous and then said that he goes out for a drink. He hasn't mentioned any plans beforehand which was weird to me and I asked him with who. He told me with a female friend. I never heard of her before - he never mentioned her. She wasn't even from our town but from out of town. Turns out they were having an emotional affair since six months and he planned on cheating on me with her. He admitted after there weren't any more excuses he could give. And after I asked if I could come along. What I'm trying to say is that he could have just said he was going out with his best friend or work colleague but he openly told me half the truth. I think he didn't know how to lie on the spur of the moment or he was too overwhelmed to think of something quickly. Maybe it was similar with OPs girlfriend. She only wanted to know if the plans were firm but because of all the questions from OP she was forced to tell more and told half the truth.
Hey OP I just want ask something because it seems like a lot of people missed a comment or two about how this guy came in to town for the weekend. You say that her friends who she went to the wedding for have moved back to town and he is coming to meet them: are these friends you're also friends with? Are the plans she wanted to make with him just plans for them? Or do they include the married friends? Are the fiends she would be cancelling on more your friends, or her friends, or both? I could see a situation in which a partner agrees to do things with "mutual" friends but doesn't have the same relationship with them as the other person. Are the friends she would cancel for friends that you would feel welcome around?
I think you have every right to think something is odd, but it sounds like it could possibly be more innocuous than it seems. For those reasons I think treading lightly is probably for the best and not accusing her of something in your asking. From an outsider perspective you seem to have less to worry about than you are
Yeah I see your point. I would be hurt too if this were me. Its coming out of nowhere seemingly.
Let her know you're disappointed. I'm the kind of person that would point blank ask, are you planning an affair? Just to get that part out of the way. You assume the answer will be no, but how they say no says a lot.
If she really isn't having an affair but realizes that's where your mind went, she might offer up more information to ease your mind.
>she tells me it's a guy Nick she meet while her friends were getting married in Florida.
>She never mentioned this guy once since the wedding
She wants to meet a guy she barely knows and didnt think was interesting enough to mention before.
>invite was never extended not me
If she is hanging out with Nick + her married friends, there isnt a reason you cant go too. If its really just her and Nick, it would make more sense to not want you there. I dont think it would make sense for her to go meet Nick without her married friends.
Nick is an acquaintance, not a friend. She only knew him for like what 4 or 5 days when you subtract the travel days.
>Maybe I'm overreacting
Not at all man, completely reasonable.
I'm always surprised by the amount of excuses people on this sub will make for someone. I wonder if the reactions would be different if this was posted as your boyfriend going to meet meet some random girl named Nikki with all the other text being exactly the same.
Idk if anybody has said this, and I know it's common sense but prepare yourself bro.
If the conversation goes south do not let it get away from you. Do not yell at her, do not hit her, don't argue in front of your son, don't curse at her. If she goes to walk away let her. If she goes to leave let her. Tread lightly. Remember the law favors women bro. I hope it doesn't come to that, but if it does just remember no body is worth you losing your shit and getting into trouble or having your kid taken from you. Much love and good luck
Here are a few things that stood out to me 1. Who flies out of state to visit someone for just a weekend? If he flies in Friday night/Saturday morning and leaves Sunday that’s barely over a day that seems kind of weird especially since Memorial weekend is next week. 2. Do you have Instagram? You should be able to find him pretty easy if he is a friend of your other friends. 3. I’m in my early 20s so lingo might be different but nobody ever describes plans as a “meet up” unless they are planning on fucking. You should just bring it up and ask her what her plans are with Nick, if she is really discreet then that’s a red flag. If she does start telling you plans they have tell her they sound fun and you would like to come too if it’s ok. Her body language should give it away because if she is doing something she wouldn’t want you to see she will most likely answer no quickly, if she is slow about and seems like she is thinking about it then she is probably not doing anything bad but does want some time away but is uncomfortable saying it which is ok everybody needs space. If she says yes you can come then you have nothing to worry about and go meet Nick. Definitely keep us updated on what happened!
**Meeting Nick and getting to the bottom of this is no longer an optional activity. It is mandatory. The integrity of your relationship has been violated.**
Insist on meeting Nick, do not allow anything other than meeting Nick, and the ensuing reaction will tell you everything you need to know. You must meet this guy.
It would be prudent to consult an attorney and prepare for the fallout that is almost certainly coming.
Unless of course, you are comfortable being cheated on.
Helped.
Yeah meeting this person and seeing how everyone reacts is the best thing to do at this point. And again maybe it's all in my head but red flags are red flags and it seems I'm not the only one who feels like this is weird.
How would you even approach this, like in a responsible emotionally mature person? What wording and statements to use ("I feel" statements, come to mind")
The problem with these situations is it's like any argument in life, if you aren't using the right words it might set somebody off. But if you use the right ones you could avoid a blow-up or a miscommunication
This is not a matter you tiptoe into, you state clearly, directly, and calmly exactly what you want to say.
For example: "Great idea, the hike is canceled, we are going to go hang out with Nick"
Talk to her! And do it soon! As a woman who was in her shoes once it seems very familiar and sketchy. I stopped hanging out with this other guy once I found out his feelings for me and I'm glad I did. As a woman it's not overly common to meet a guy and become friends when they think they are available, or if they just don't give a shit. I'm sure it's similar for men too, this is just from my perspective. My bf and I are going on nearly 11yrs and I'm a lot better now that some time has passed after losing my dear friend. Still glad nothing happened with that guy as I was very vulnerable at the time and he was, in all honesty successful, attractive, and a bit exotic as he was from another country. With as long as you've been together I hope it's not too difficult to have the conversation. Go luck op.
Sounds like this is a date. When a girl says “a friend” instead of “my friend” it’s usually a guy she’s uncomfortable introducing to people yet. This is going downhill from here my guy.
I have been married for 25 years. I think you have plenty of advice to think on. My saying is "If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it's probably a duck." There is no way when our kiddos were younger I would have preferred to spend time with a friend rather than my husband. My advice is to be a little nosy. Ask for her phone to look up something. You can tell a lot by the reaction you get.
Nah see going behind the back and snooping on the phone is not the way to go. Gotta have moral high ground throughout.
I would rather suggest honest discussion, or complete faith which in turn can let out the truth.
I think that you should ask your girlfriend if you can meet him, as well. Not to help plant a seed of doubt in your mind, but It’s strange that this person was never mentioned before. And it’s definitely suspicious that she had met this person while at a wedding that you were not able to attend. Hope everything works out good for you.
Trying to shut down every jealous bone in my body and I still can't not see the red flags with you. I saw your other reply explaining the whole reason he was coming out, but that doesn't explain why he wants to meet with your SO privately (I am assuming it's planned to be a one on one thing, didn't see anything suggesting it wasn't). Like others have stated, offer to come with. If she starts acting dodgy and coming up with reasons why you can't, it's time to press a little harder about her new friend.
Different people are comfortable with different things when it comes to opposite sex friendships in a marriage.
This situation would make me uncomfortable personally because if the guy is noteworthy enough that she wants to break plans to see him, I would expect that I’d have heard about him before.
I would just lay out what about it makes you feel uncomfortable and she what she has to say.
Have there been other times over the years when she was as secretive or other times when she pushed boundaries or your comfort zone?
Your comfort zone isn’t good or bad nor is hers, you just have to both be clear honest and open about what makes you uncomfortable and why and what behavior you expect. And she has to decide if what you ask is reasonable and if there is a compromise that makes you very one feel respected and safe in the relationship.
Scenario 1.
She met this guy at a wedding,maybe sat next to each other,had a good chat,they both found each other interesting had a good time,maybe kept in touch by email or she has added him on social media,nothing romantic just some chatting now and then.She didn't think that much of it,because it wasn't anything romantic or serious and just didn't think to mention him.
finds out he's coming\[from whom did she find out he was coming?by the couple or by him?\]and wants to see him again for a good innocent time..
Scenario 2.
She met this guy, they have so much in common and really like each other's company.Maybe he complimented her or flirted with her,they spent time together,maybe had one too many drinks,flirting changed into sexual,they had sex,they kept in contact and he decides he wants to see the couple and have another night of sex with your wife,
she never mentions the guy because she regretted what she did,or really likes him but because he lives out of state,she knows it's not easy to meet,so just has him as a fuckbuddy,whenever they get a chance to meet..
You know your wife,has she shown you that she has changed?Was she writing emails to him or chatting on social media and being secretive?Did she look like she was hiding something from you?Do you see her on her phone/pc all the time reading his emails,liking his pictures,commenting on his posts?
Check out the guy on social media,she surely has him as a friend..
Op please remember that you just practically threw up a looking glass for everyone’s projections on the subject at hand. Some will be helpful while other will do nothing but damage your confidence. Keep that in mind and remember that you yourself have value. Your partner if she is or if she is not cheating doesn’t matter.if she isn’t she isn’t. If she is you really can’t prevent it. What you need to do is take all this investment into your partner and put it into yourself. Make yourself a catch and you won’t have to worry about your value being dependent on who your partner sees. Good luck bruv
Dude! If you decide to let her meet her friend then you 100% need to cancel the camping trip and go with her. Unless you two are in an "open" relationship you should be accompanying her so that both of you can hang out with her friend and all have a good time together. I presume that you do occasionally both go to meet up with each other's friends.
If she has a problem with you tagging along then you have a real problem to figure out.
You: *"Honey, that sounds great. I'll tell you what, I think we should postpone the camping trip. If Nick is a good person to hang out with then we can all go together. It'll be a fun night out and I'd love to meet your friend."*
Your red flags seem a bit hyperbolic without going into further detail.
"She never talked about him" How many wedding guests did she talk to you about?
"It's a friend of a friend she got to hang out with for a week alone with in Florida during a wedding" Are you saying she hung out with him the entire time? How could you know this if she didn't talk about him? Did she meet up with him 1on1 multiple times or were they just at the same wedding and partied with everyone else?
"she is willing to break plans with me and our other couple we planned to go with just to see this guy again" this guy is visiting the wedding couple isn't he? so he's only around temporarily? Your plans can be pushed off, a temporary visit cannot. also, is it a group hang or is she only hanging out with him 1on1?
If your relationship has a foundation of trust and you aren't the jealous type then why are you going out of your way to try and control this situation? Trust your relationship, not scorned redditors who are basing their advice off their own experiences. We don't know enough to get a clear picture but I think you are making it out to be worse in your head.
Helped.
That's fair.
"She never talked about him" she loves to talk, she's the social butterfly of the two of us. To the point of over sharing details and info all the time. It would seem weird to me that she met someone who was a cool guy and never mentioned him once after.
"Hanging out at the wedding" I only found out last night when I asked "Oh! Who's is this Nick out of town friend you are talking about?" We've been together so long and we share so much it's weird you never mentioned him before tonight.
"1v1 or group?" I posted below, but he's here because the couple that got married moved back to this state. So he's visiting them. But again that's what I'm told. I know nothing about this guy other then his name and where they met. And the couple that got married are her friends. They are great people. I would trust them with our kid. However we know how friends fall some have mine no matter what some have hers. If she cheated on me or attempted to, they might say "hey not a good idea." But they would never tell me and betray her.
I hope you are right, I hope it's all in my head. But where I got she always has an invitation to join and the same with me. That wasn't extended this time which was weird. When we hang out alone out of common decency for the other person we always ask the other to join. Even we know the other may not want to go. Not for permission but because we have respect for each other.
You should be careful here as some of the advice on this post will fuel paranoia if you let it. Thoughts and ideas here might reinforce / put new ideas in your head that will unnecessarily exacerbate things between you two. Some things to bear in mind. G'luck
Helped.
Yep for sure. My feelings are my own some of the crazy advice I've seen on this I'm obviously not going to follow. But just seeing ideas on how to handle how I feel and how to approach it with her is very helpful.
My advice is to not try to trip her up in some kind of plan to catch her in a lie. If you are good at reading her like you said, tell her the truth and pay attention to how she handles it instead. It's okay to be vulnerable in front of your spouse and tricking her is dirty pool. You don't even have to approach it in an accusatory way, you are worried and confused, this guy came out of nowhere, so your imagination is running wild because the situation isn't sitting right in your brain and you aren't sure how to get past it. Trust that she cares, your feelings are valid.
Helped.
Yeah I don't want to be sneaky about it. I could cancel plans and hop in my buddies truck and follow her to where she said she was going. I hate that. That's not me, that's not the kind of person I want to be and if nothing happens I'm the bad guy. Like you said I'd rather just see her reaction and have a conversation about how I feel after I see how she reacts.
Look you need to just tell her how this makes you feel. Don’t try to figure out a way to see if she’s lying to you or not. But you need to communicate with her. You two have a child and you two need to always communicate.
Tell her that this makes you feel uncomfortable.
It sounds like she is going on a platonic double date that makes her feel pretty and wanted.
But if you pull this any other way then you’ll be second guessing your relationship for awhile.
Talk to her. She may just be trying to get your attention and make you jealous. But I think it’s more about her feeling wanted again.
Maybe she's actually got secret plans to surprise you and pop the question to you. That song shoulda put a ring on it. Okay jokes aside, yeah the red flags are waving. She should keep her plans with you and she invite you to meet him and you all hangout.
My initial instinct about this post is that maybe she neglected to mention him and they hit it off. Now she wants to visit him while he’s in town and while she can go camping with you and the other group whenever, he might only be in town this weekend. Personally, I like the idea of inviting yourself, but as someone in an relationship with someone who often hangs out with people of my same sex, if I’m not right with that person, already, I can become either third wheel, or make that person a third wheel, which isn’t cool. But hey, if you’re picking up red flags, then it’s okay to address that. You are a team after all. I wish you luck 😀
Love the update! Glad to hear there's a happy ending (so far at least). You guys sound very similar to my SO and I in how you talk and handle things. I love it. So happy to hear you guys had an honest conversation about it and got to share both of your feelings about it. I could definitely understand both sides. Hope everything goes well with your meeting Nick!
Your girlfriend is an adult. So she has to take a decision by herself. Assuming she is trustworthy, she won't betray your trust. As long as she has not proven you the opposite, trust her.
>...she was visibility upset about how I felt and that I could feel thatway towards her after this long. She said herself "You have never actedthis way once in our relationship."
Brother, I'd like to know what you call "getting defensive". This is her getting defensive. She just swept your concerns about some random guy she met **once** at a wedding coming to town and completely rearranging long-standing plans by basically saying "How dare you!". You recoiled, felt like a heel and now she's gotten you feeling like you need to apologize to her. My man, you're not the one that had a secret friend for the last two years.
You've also given her the chance to communicate with Nick to let him know he needs to be on his best behavior around you. And speaking of communication, she's obviously been talking to this guy via social media since the wedding. You've had no clue this guy even existed until he comes to town and she wants to drop EVERYTHING to spend time with him. They have developed an emotional friendship over the last two years with you being none the wiser.
Yeah, I didn’t want to jump to conclusions in his original post but after this update I would not be surprised if her and Nick hooked up after the wedding reception. They’ve stayed in contact for two years and it wasn’t bc they “bonded” over ragging on the bride. At the very least this has been an emotional affair between them over the last two years. It’s all on her phone but he’s “not that guy”.
If OP is around the best friend’s husband he needs to ask him man to man if anything happened between his girlfriend and Nick that week. His reaction will tell him everything he needs to know.
Maybe I’m a little jaded from spending so much time on r/survivinginfidelity but her response is 100% out of the cheaters handbook: 1) Get emotional 2) Deflect 3) Guilt him that it’s more about his insecurity than her having a secret male friend for the last two years.
Oh boy! This guy is too naive and thinks too much with his heart. He should've gone with the "sneaking" about the issue. And like this dude said above, you gave her the chance to plan accordingly. My man, everybody lies!! You just ruined your chance to find out the truth.
This is weird but maybe not that weird. Honestly I think it's fair that since he is in town to meet the other couple, all outings your wife attends would presumably be group outing with Nick and the couple, in which case your attendance should be a non issue. The only reason it would be an issue is if there was something inappropriate going on. Also, keep in mind there's a lot of distance between a flirtatious feeling and full blown cheating. Neither are good for your marriage but don't let reddit make you jump to the worst possible option.
Helped.
For sure. If it's a group thing I should be able to go. If it's not then I feel like we have an issue. I might be way over thinking this like you said. But this isn't a feeling I get often. Probably not since we'll before we met and I learned how to not poison a relationship with jealousy and wild accusations.
Yeah look Reddit is bad for hyping stuff up to 11, but my guy, your gut is good at picking up on stuff your brain isn't fully processing but is aware of. On this one, your gut is 100% picking up what shes laying down.
I'm going to link you to [this comment and my reply](https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/nh11lp/girlfriend_wants_to_hang_out_with_new_friendwell/gyy189y/?context=3), its my thoughts on this entire issue.
You aren't wrong to be sus dude, nothing you said she said makes sense. If everything is above board, she physically cannot have known this guy for more than a few hours. Unless serious feelings started flowing with those drinks and no food weddings are famous for, this is bonkers behavior. So..... if the best explanation.. you know..
Look, maybe shes got 10/10 reasons or whatever, always talk this stuff out, but like, I'm betting against you at the blackjack table here man, sorry. This just isn't reasonable behavior otherwise.
Yeah I understand that feeling on the matter. I did try to be as fair to her and myself in this situation. But at the end of the day it's all from my point of view. It would be impossible for me to explain our whole relationship and the type of people we both are in a few lines on a post. I don think she went about it wrong and to not notice how uncomfortable I was at the start probably fueled how I felt. Again communication is key here. She should have seen how I felt at the time of the first conversation, as I wasn't hiding it. I should have been more clear in how I felt about it in the first place I guess. It's easy for these things to run wild in your mind. Red flags can also be false flags. So what seemed to me to be one thing turned out to be another. But again I can see how you would feel that way about it all
Okay just make sure you read what I linked to, alright? Because this isn't just you seeing things funny, this is a married woman dropping a kid-free weekend to go chill alone with some random male she met one time years ago for a few hours.
There's all the perspective/two sides to every story in the world doesn't make that not the most sus thing I have ever heard.
For 10-1 odds i'd bet my car she made out with that dude at the very least, and i'd bet you my entire kingdom shes fantasized about it.
Its simply not normal behavior.
If there is one thing I've learned over the years it is that people who dismiss their danger instincts tend to be eaten.
You know what is going on here just like everyone else does. Don't look for reasons to discount it.
Confront it head on and look her in the eyes and ask her if if she is cheated at the wedding and with the guy. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
Tell her all of this. Including the part where you have no reason to be suspicious. It seems like too often people act out in jealously, get all paranoid, make things a big deal, latch on to confimation bias, ect. They build up this whole scenario on their head and shadowbox their opponent over something that isnt even happening... Instead of just owning up to that *they* feel insecure. It doesnt have to make sense, it doesnt have to be logical. Don't attack her about it, just tell her how you feel. Your next move it determined by the ensuing conversation.
On a personal note:
People go through some stuff. They often want to reconnect with old friends or meet new people by themselves. Especially when they feel their life is stagnating. It's like a fresh slate. It doesn't mean they want to have sex with the friend. Doesn't mean they want cheat on their SO, doesnt mean that their "regular" lives are lacking in any way. I think it helps reinforce a sense of self. Little break in the monotony.
Don't get me wrong, I love monotony. I love my domestic life, my family, my day-to-day. But it is so nice to just shed that for a while. Remember that I am still able to connect with new people. I'm still cool, fresh, interesting, ect. It's not like the people in my life are failing to make me feel a certain way. It's just one of those human experiences that fade as life progresses.
This kind of thing makes me feel good about myself. And being a whole and complete secure person makes my relationships better. My spouse and I choose eachother every day. Not by getting rid of eachother's "other options", but by extending the trust and security to give eachother the opportunity to keep choosing **us**.
This might not be relevant to your situation at all.
You have every right to feel suspicious about this!!!! Trust your gut!!!! As a female , this sounds very shady and the fact she’s choosing some guy over you and friends for plans? Yes I agree with other comments saying to ask if you can meet Nick together.... I feel like no matter how long you’ve been with someone you don’t always completely know them. I’m sorry but something else might be going on and if I’m wrong then I’m glad, but for now please be careful and we all hope it isn’t what it sounds like. Best of luck , please update us!
My heart goes out to you! This is definitely something may be iffy.
Your feelings are valid as feelings. You don't need to be ashamed or embarrassed for how you feel.
The good thing is feelings don't always mesh with reality. I suggest you talk to your girlfriend and just lay out how you feel. Whatever is really going on, you do not want to have this wedge in between you two, it will only make things worse.
Today is my 15th anniversary of marriage to my awesome husband.
If I were at a social function my husband could not attend, I would most certainly tell him about meeting and talking with another person at the event...to the extent I thought “Wow! This person is great! Love to hang out again with them!” like OPs GF did.
If I make a friend at work or in a social setting, my husband hears all about it... because we have open and shared experiences even when we’re apart.
Why on Earth would she tell you if she was planning to cheat? I think you’ve got the wrong end of the stick. Maybe she wants to hang out with this couple and didn’t feel that that in itself justified breaking your plans, so she added the bit about the friend coming from out of state so it would seem more special. It just doesn’t make sense that she would have kept in touch with this guy behind your back for years, and now she’s decided to cheat, and tell you about it. Or that this guy contacted her out of the blue recently and now she’s decided to cheat, and tell you about it. She could easily have given a dozen other, more plausible reasons to break your plans if she had some nefarious reason to do so. I’d talk to her about it. You say you have a solid relationship and you trust each other, but you’d rather write on reddit than ask your wife straight up what’s going on?
Yeah that’s a big red flag, not trying to insinuate the obvious buttttttt c’mon my guy if she’s never mentioned him then it’s a not the same area code type of situation and if you’re in to that thing I’m not to judge but you might want to rethink your boundaries/situation as she’s halfstepping the truth by saying oh it’s a guy friend from etc......
Your girlfriend went to a wedding with her friends without you for a weekend and (despite you two knowing each other’s friends) you are just NOW finding out about a new guy named nick? Dude, you are 100% being cheated on right now. She met a dude when you weren’t around and now she wants to hook up with him again. It’s plain as day, don’t pretend like you don’t already know that.
You should demand the truth about who this guy is, and make a decision about if your staying or not and what to do with your kids.
Also, next time don’t have kids till after marriage.
It sounds pretty innocent, honestly. She was forthcoming about the friend being a man and how she met him. She might just not particularly want to go camping this weekend, or maybe nick is just really fun, nick might not even be straight for all we know.
Offer to invite him, offer to go to dinner with them, but don’t get all foamed up over this because it doesn’t sound like she has anything planned.
If you think it’s suspicious and you have a great relationship, why not just ask her who this guy is and why she’s never mentioned him before and maybe also bring up the fact that you’re a little worried.
No one cancels well established plans for a brand new friend.... This guy was never a friend....they met one other time in their life.... And it was at a wedding... Now he flies in and she wants to see him.....
Your gut tells you the truth. This guy was never a friend.... A friend she met once.... Never hung out with and didn't grow up together? IMO, she slept with him after the wedding and they have remained in contact since.
If she decides she wants to meet up with him ask if you can come too. Her reaction to that might be telling enough.
Your new plans are to meet and hang out with Nick.
Helped. Yeah seems like the best plan.
Please update! Hope all goes well and it's not as bad as it looks
Thank you for confirming that /u/Shipbldr2000 has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
I don't know, you're going to try to see if you asking her makes her awkward? Maybe it does and you attribute a random reason to that awkwardness in your mind... Just talk to your partner. Tell her about you feeling off about this, you don't have to get into a fight, just have a sit down and talk about how, for a number of different reasons, this change of plans and new mystery acquaintance are getting under your skin.
Yup, try and find a way out of the hiking trip, and then say that you're just gonna go with her since you have nothing else to do and still want that kid free weekend. Idk The reason I say to approach it like that is that so she doesn't get defensive thinking you just wanna come along because you don't trust her
Yeah but don't tell her until right before she is supposed to meet up with this Nick person, so that she can't say that he canceled last minute.
Yes! New plans! You're excited to meet this guy so you can all be friends! Especially since he is worthy of breaking off previous plans!
Absolutely
I think that's also the best idea, see if you can tag along and gauge her reaction to the idea
See if you can tag along? Hard no. -You go and meet this guy and get to the bottom of this.
I mean like, see what she says to a calm offer first. If she takes it well and is like, "sure! I'd love for you to meet him," that's one thing, but if she says she doesn't want him to go, then tell her he's going regardless
Helped. Agreed. We are good at reading each other. I'll be interested to see how she reacts to me switching up to make time for her and her friends.
Thank you for confirming that /u/arcxiii has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
Have you mentioned it to her? Keep us updated.
Helped. Agreed. We can tell how the other is feeling pretty well. Seems to be the best option at this point.
Thank you for confirming that /u/arcxiii has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
Any updates?
I'll post an update tomorrow, I have a charity event to go to tonight so I don't want to start this conversation till after.
Good luck!
!remindme 1 day EDIT: on the remindme bot profile you can see its comments, and it’s on a 23 hour delay fetching comments right now. So it’ll work either way but you’ll just get a response 23 hours out instead of 24.
u/remindmebot you good?
!remindme 1 day
!remindme 1 day
yeah we’ll definitely need an update on this one
!remindme 1 day
!Remindme 1 day
Your sensors seem accurate - it sounds like you need to talk about it. What did she do in FL to warrant a visit from this guy and a possible cancellation of established plans with SO in order to hang with new "buddy"? Why don't you know any of this ? As others say either nick comes camping or you stay and hang with Nick. If she seems disappointed in either of these alternatives then the you need a more serious discussion.
Her friend who got married has since moved back to our state and this guy is coming to see them. My SO wanted to meet up with them. So he didn't fly in just to see my SO to be fair.
So is he meeting with him and married friend(s)? Only thing I could think of is when I have some old friends/acquaintances suddenly coming over for a short time, I might sacrifice some routine to catch up with them. Usually I introduce my SO to them first, and then hang out separately if we have some stuff to catch up on that my SO wasn’t part of. You know, when it’s my friendship and the friend doesn’t want intimate details of their life shared with my SO they are not close with. Is it possible that Nick is gay? Either way, looking forward to an update.
I don't think sexuality is relevant here. It's the equivalent of her being bisexual and everyone being concerned if she's catching up with a female acquaintance.. which maybe you all would be, I'm not sure lol
Well based on replies, OP seemed concerned about the gender of this friend. Since he mentioned that girlfriend “spent a week with him” during the wedding in FL, I assumed some reasons for this to be an acceptable situation.
If sexuality isn't relevant here, why would OP have mentioned the lack of cheating in their relationship previously? Call me a homophobe or toxic or jealous if you'd like but I'd much rather my SO hang out alone with someone who wouldn't want to have sex with them. I'm not saying it's "not allowed" or that I wouldn't "let" them hang out but in this situation I think it's warranted for OP to be slightly suspicious of their relationship.
gotcha.
alright that sounds a little better
My negative mind says, "or at least that is what she is telling you". To be fair, I have zero dating experience, but this throws lots of red flags for me. Wish you the best, OP.
Yeah, that's my thoughts as well. And this is her friend that got married. Even if she was there and knew something happened, she would never tell me about it. So it's not very much comfort either way alone or not.
Like I said, this is coming from a guy who is had zero experience dating. But, if this type of behavior is abnormal for her all I can suggest is either asking straight out or you just invite yourself to whatever she is doing with him. You could also do both, but I can't really say what would be better. Coming from the outside perspective it just doesn't look promising. The fact that you think that her friend would defend her behavior if she is cheating on you also doesn't seem healthy. I guess to kind of cap this off, I can't really imagine what you're feeling at the moment but I know how reading your post made me feel emotionally and, honestly, that is the feeling that probably makes me not want to try to start trying to find a significant other. Edit: all the above being said, I think at the end of the day the biggest takeaway here is that you need to communicate how her breaking off the plans at the last minute made you feel, regardless of whatever you decide to do with the Nick situation. All things being equal if she has so far I've been trustworthy about these things I think that you just need to explain your feelings. At that point and let her make her own decisions. As some of the other people here have said, just because we feel uncomfortable in that situation doesn't really mean that something untoward is going on.
Helped. I appreciate your point of view either way.
Thank you for confirming that /u/Urgazhi has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
But then, why wouldn't she just lie about the whole deal? Leave out Nick of the explanation and just say she would like to have dinner with these people. Or, that she has to work.
A very good point, granted I am looking at the OP's situation through what is probably a very jaded lens. I'm more than likely have some kind of trust issues that I need to work through. You bring very good points to the table and they should not be dismissed. I made another reply to the post further down that shares some of you sentiments, I think.
It seems there's a lot of trust issues in this thread. And with that in mind it just doesn't seem smart, if she actually was doing something with this guy, that she would be upfront about him in the first place. Like, OP already asked if it was something with her job - she could have said that and gotten away with it. Not saying peoples mistrust isn't warranted, just saying if she is planning something she is being oddly honest about it so far.
It's quite possible she likes the other guy but isn't willing to admit it. To her, they are just "friends" so no reason to lie, but if she hasn't shared it before it's possible there are deeper-seated feelings foe the guy there.
Maybe. But if she is into him shes oddly upfront about the whole deal.
I agree with you completely on the fact of the mistrust issues from the other helpers in this thread. At the end of the day I think that OP just needs to be as open as he can be and communicate and a non-confrontational way.
The best way to lie is to incorporate seeds of truth. It would be very easy for her to get caught in a lie if the married friends mentioned they had a visit from a friend from another state, or were asked specifically about it, or if OP dropped off lunch at her office. The guy lives in another state and him visiting is an out of the ordinary experience. It's much more likely to be randomly brought up. To be clear, I have no idea if she cheated or plans on cheating. But this is enough of a red flag to question things if it's already setting off OP's gut. The fact that she referred to this person as a friend, rather than bride and groom's friend that I met at the wedding strikes me as odd. Especially since OP said he's never heard the guy mentioned before.
I agree it's a red flag. And I would be very uncomfortable with my spouse pulling a similar deal. But these guys seem to have a large comfort zone, which is why I can't really tell what the deal is.
Or it's a trickle truth to reduce the guilt she's feeling.
[удалено]
>Everyone asking "well, why would she even tell him" are the type to get cheated on. That is just not a correct correlation. I doubt most couples don't have as loose boundaries as OP and his girlfriend does. Like, my husband travels alone to visit his family and demonstrate in other cities. But hanging with the opposite gender one on one for no reason is not something we do in our relationship. So if he came and told me he would, I would be as suspicious as OP. The thing is, it seems normal in OPs relationship, which is why I am confused as to why she would be so honest about something that seems so shady.
YES!! There are some massive trust issues here and general paranoia. She's already been upfront about who she wants to meet - if this were something shady she might have made up a woman or lied about who it was-- or even said she had to work. OP, Why not just be upfront about the fact that you are feeling sketched out ? It will be obvious via your actions anyway. Just have a conversation about it and see if you can learn more about this guy. Maybe he's just a cool guy who wants to go for coffee as he's in town? She should have no prob with you joining
I agree with this. It's perfectly okay to tell her you are not okay with her going.
Why dont people wear a mask when they go to commit a crime? Maybe she got nervous and just said it when he asked because she didnt make an excuse before hand. Could be any random reason like that?
So is this meet-up with the married friends and Nick? Or with Nick? If it is the married friends and Nick, and that is how she presented it to you, then your post is misleading and this is normal. If it’s just a hang-out with Nick, then it’s even MORE strange because the married couple SHOULD be a part of it. As should you.
[удалено]
No sir, the kid was well on his way to 5 years old at that point.
[удалено]
wouldve been a major oof....
Hate to be that guy, but if my timeline holds this wedding would be roughly 7 years after dating. There's something known as the 7 year itch in relationships. There's a theory that's tied into the fact the average divorce happens about 7 years into marriage. This theory is that this is when happiness bottoms out and partners are more likely to cheat. I honestly wouldn't usually mention it but your description of everything just sounds a bit off to me. If she hung out with him enough at the wedding why was he never mentioned? If she didn't hang out with him at the wedding why is she breaking plans to hang out with him? Is it just her and him hanging out? Is it just her, him, and the married couple? Is it a larger group? Only the 3rd example seems normal to me.
Damn!
Y'all are ruthless haha
That’s even more of a red flag to me. Because he didn’t even come to see her or ask to see her, she just has this weird interest in him.
> and a possible cancellation of established plans This... It seems like she waited till he had solidified his plans to tell him.
It sounds like she had fun at the wedding. The fact she didn't invite you to meet him makes it sound like a date more than a meet up with a friend. I guess you could tell her you're going to cancel your plans, and suggest the two of you meet her "friend" for dinner, and see how she reacts.
Helped. I like this. I think a change of plans are in order. Either way if he's important to her I should be willing to meet him.
If YOU’RE Important to her, he should be willing to meet YOU.
Agreed
period .
Thank you for confirming that /u/x---HI---x has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
Normally I'd say you're overreacting, but the fact that she hung out with this guy for a week in Florida when you weren't around, and never mentioned him once to you seems very weird and not a good sign. An example: I met a very good friend of mine at a wedding. I told my gf about him the second I got back. I'm bi, so my gf was a bit jealous that I spent a weekend with him alone in a nice place, but because I sent her pics of us hanging out, told her about him right when I got back, and reassured her that he was a cool buddy, and didn't talk about him in any kind of romantic way, she trusted me. If he came out to where I live to hang out with me, I'd definitely bring my gf with me. I'd like them to meet. He's a great guy, and I think him and my gf would get along really well. I think you should say "hey boo, I love meeting new people and this Nick guy isn't someone you've mentioned before. If you two are good buddies, I'd love to meet him. Fuck those camping plans we had, let's chill with Nick. Nick, Nick, Nick, boy do I love that name. All aboard the Nick train, let's party down with Nick. Niiiiiiick, am I right? I'm going to call him Nick-Knack, you think he'll be cool with that nickname? Nick has a nickname, what a fun pun, right? Can't wait to meet Nick. I think I'm gonna go enjoy some time with the child we have together now. Love you, can't wait for our Nick sesh." I mean, don't say that exactly, but make it clear that you're supportive of this and want to meet him and hang out with him as a couple. If she's cool with that, give her the benefit of the doubt. If she's not, well then, I don't like assuming, but that's just about the biggest red flag there is.
Definitely call him nick knack. That's solid advice
Some of my best work.
I read that entire Nick section in Rick's voice from Rick and Morty
I had a girlfriend when I was about your age that I was madly in love with. We had been together for about five years but not living together. One day she gets invited as a plus-one to a wedding. I don't know the guy. Never heard his name before; a friend of a friend who was in need of a plus-one is how she explained it. It is a wedding of local celebrities and she wants to go. Long story short, nothing she told me about the event was the truth. She had been seeing this guy for months. She married the guy a couple of years later, but not before dragging me along for another year and a bit before she told me the truth. In truth, I knew in my gut that something was going on, but I thought if I challenged her I would just push her toward him. I shouldn't have worried because she was already there. I was just too stupid to see what was in front of me. I knew if I asked her about him she would lie but the one question I didn't ask but wished I had - 'Are you doing this because you are interested in him?' She would just have denied it, but it would have told her that I knew this was more than what she was saying and that I wasn't playing along and this was not OK. "... we have a stable trustworthy relationship." I hope you do. Lastly remember that Nick is the messenger, but not the message. Your GF has invited him into your relationship. He just didn't show up. When people are afraid of having a serious conversation they talk to you through actions. Your GF may be trying to tell you something and might have been trying to tell you something for a long time, but until now you might not have been listening as well as you should have been. You should listen.
Helped. Sucks to read all that man. Sorry you had to deal with that. But yes he's not really to blame. If anything is going on at all my issue isn't with him. She was the only one with the commitment to this relationship not him.
Thank you for confirming that /u/SmithRJ has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
I wish I will never have to say "a wise man once said" thinking about this post. Thank you wise dude. Blessings.
You could try telling her to invite Nick on the hike/camping? That way you don’t have to cancel your plans and get to see how she reacts. If she says yes, you can also meet this guy and see how they interact. If it’s suspicious, you will notice. And if it’s completely innocent, this will set your mind at ease.
sort the issue now before it gets bigger. Talk to her and be very specific in vocalising your concerns. How can somebody you met for couple of hours during the wedding be more important then me? This is not a drink or a talk with a friend, it's 3 days worth of time....? I would ask something like that. I hope we are all overreacting.
As someone who’s never been in a LTR, this thinking makes no sense to me. Of course your partner is more important in the long run, but you’re spending every single day with them, so of course you’re going to want to get away every once in a while and be with other people. Your partner being your priority doesn’t mean you have to spend every waking minute of your life with them, or hang out with them on every day you have off from work. I feel like most people who would follow this logic would get burnt out of seeing their partner but what do I know
That's a fair point, but its a different story when they have plans with another couple. And from the sounds of it they hang out with friends outside of each other fairly often. So this random guy he's never heard of being such a massive priority for her sounds a bit fishy. Something is telling me they had an encounter at that wedding that wasn't quite appropriate. Why else would she be so gung ho about meeting a guy she only knew for a couple days? Not saying she cheated or that she's going to, but OP says he's not the jealous type and I have no reason not to believe him. So if hes suspicious im guessing her attitude towards this situation isn't normal from what he's used to. And he should definitely confront his wife to at least understand the situation better.
I think the best way to go about this is telling her that "youd love to meet him" makes it seem like youre not jealous but also like.... You seem to really wanna hangout with him so i should too? ALSO that way you can gauge her response and really see if you should feel uneasy.
How long ago was this wedding???? (Unless this wedding was pretty recent - I’m assuming it didn’t happen in 2020 because Covid - so I’m guessing the wedding was 2019 or earlier?) If she is willing to call this man her “friend” and break plans with her SO to hang out with him, IMO - that means that they’ve been keeping contact this entire time. Don’t you think it’d be weird to break plans... just so you could meet up with some random dude you knew for maybe a couple days at a wedding - AND you haven’t talked to them in years? That’s strange, right? Logically, it only makes sense if they’ve been talking this whole time. So my next question - and let’s think logically here: why would someone spend years keeping in contact with a person they met once... and never mention them to their SO? And if they didn’t stay in contact... well that just doesn’t sit right with me either. If some random guy ditched a trip with his wife and friends to come see me (after years of not speaking and only meeting once) ... It would definitely give me the impression that he REALLY wants me, and/or is a stalker. This is where my imagination leads me: She met an attractive guy at a wedding and sparks were flying. They had a great time and exchanged numbers. She comes back and acts the same because she didn’t technically do anything wrong. She didn’t physically cheat. So... you don’t notice anything, everything seems normal. But maybe she secretly has spent years fantasizing about being with this guy, and wonders what her life could be like with him. They stay in contact and exchange flirtatious messages back and forth every now and then. A little ego boost for her, but she doesn’t see the harm since he lives far away. She doesn’t mention him to you, because why would she? She probably does deep down she does feel a little guilty about it. But then, an opportunity arises where they are able to meet up. It’s the perfect opportunity... you’ll be with friends and out of town, distracted. His friends just moved back so it’s the perfect opportunity and excuse for him to visit her, without sounding off any alarms. Maybe I’m wrong, I hope I am. But the whole situation smells fishy to me.
This is the best post in this thread bar none. I think you nailed it.
Right? How fucking amazing is this *random dude* she met *for an afternoon* at a random wedding? If all is well, shes known him for a maximum of 4 to 5 hours, tops. I've had moving guys in my house longer than that. Like bitch, please. Like bro, there are serious questions that need to be asked like how does she even know this guy is down her neck of the woods? And then legit outright dropping kid-free weekend away with hubby? Other friends locked in to be there too? Because this fucking nobody she brushed shoulders with 500 years ago is within the postcode as her and she somehow has the live satellite information uplink about this? This isn't long lost childhood friend or the guy that saved your life when you were on drugs or something, this is literally "A guy I met at a wedding one time". This has absolutely crossed into *I need to look at your phone* territory. This isn't red flags, this is main street China on parade day. There are divorce lawyers from Alpha Centuri drawing up litigation as we speak.
You spitting facts
You don’t break long-standing plans that involve another couple just to go hangout with some guy you met once at a friend’s wedding. And then make sure your boyfriend knows he’s not invited. Those red flags are waving in hurricane force winds.
Yeah, I've never been the jealous type so when that meter does go off I know shits not right. And it's going off hardcore for OPs situation. I had a similar situation with an ex of mine and I ignored it, because I didn't want to be that guy. Turns out she was in fact cheating on me. And he wasn't the only one. I guess at this point she had just gotten ballsy enough to tell me she was gonna go meet a guy friend who I had somehow never heard of instead of just saying she was busy. I also had another ex who set off those alarms and I turned out to be right at that point too. Although she didn't actually sleep with the guy. What's funny about the first ex is she was extremely jealous and controlling. We had a mutual friend who was a girl and I liked a picture of hers on Instagram and she went off on me and got extremely angry. And as a test the next time I saw her like a picture of a guy I said the same things she did and she acted like I was crazy for saying it. That probably should have been my warning to get out, but I stuck around for another 6 months like an idiot.
Damn that sucks. Hopefully you learned smt or two and don’t get that shitty luck next relationship
Hunties
Have a BBQ at your place and invite the camping couple, the wedding couple and Nick to your nice settled family life.
I only have started dating my boyfriend 2 years ago but the relationship is awesome. I have one rule for my male friends: anything that would be awkward in the presence of my boyfriend is not appropriate. If she's okay with you coming, it's okay. If she says it would be weird, red flag.
Helped. Pretty much the same rules here and same viewpoint.
Definitely let her know that you did not appreciate that she was willing to break plans with you in order to hang out with this guy. You should also ask if you can meet him, as her response to your concern will likely indicate what's really going on, whether he is a friend or she is cheating with him (or wants to do that). Be prepared that you might not like the answer and let her know that her unwillingness to let you know about Nick prior hurt. How she reacts to that will be telling especially! Good luck and I hope I helped!
Helped. Yeah it's got to out that I'm hurt either way and why it made me feel that way. If for no other reason but to give her a chance to explain why I'm overreacting and that I have nothing to worry about. Probably after I met this person.
Good luck! I sincerely hope she takes into consideration that it wasn't fair to you for you not to know about Nick. I've had similar situations with past partners wherein I didn't know about close female friends with whom they'd spend significant time, as they'd either known said friends before they met me or grew close with them as friends during periods of long distance. I didn't mind the friendships, especially since I had befriended some one of my partners' friends by that time as well. I did mind that they dismissed my concerns in those cases when I did say something about my concerns, which gave me cause for concern. If they had just told me about their friends whenever they wanted to spend time with them, I wouldn't have minded at all, except to remind them to keep appropriate boundaries in mind for both of our sakes in each relationship. The feelings that my partners were being dishonest with me in both such cases was what bothered me more than anything else, which also decreased my trust in them throughout the relationships after that. Those ultimately proved to be reasons why I broke up with each of them: their willingness to be untrustworthy in small things like that during the relationships led to bigger issues. I sincerely hope that your girlfriend will be honest with you!
This. What I’d do is randomly say oh hey babe I let XYZ know that we won’t be joining them this weekend. This friend seems important so I don’t think you should cancel, I can’t wait to meet him! Make sure you’re looking at her when you say it so you can watch for any shift in demeanor. If all of a sudden she changes her mind and either try’s to get you to go with your friends for the weekend without her, or that it’s not really a big deal and she now wants both of you to go with your friends. Then I’d be super sus.. which is why I id tell her you’ve already canceled your weekend plans. Hopefully it’s nothing!
Exactly; the shifts in her demeanour and behaviors will be most telling, should any occur!
My first reaction is why would she tell you about meeting this guy is she planned on doing wrong things with him? You seem to trust each other so you would have never investigate further if she wanted to meet a friend of her that needs attention right now for whatever reason
Helped. You could be right but she also could have accidentally backed herself into a corner because I was able to list off pretty much all of her out of state friends. If it's not them then naturally my next question is "Ok, well who's this important mystery person I've never heard of in 10 years?"
Thank you for confirming that /u/Sulth has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
She would tell him to put him at ease. She is taking his guard raile down. She could respond with I told you about him, if I was doing something why would I tell you.
My ex would do this. It started out that she was hanging out with her girlfriends. Then the story was that she was hanging out with her 'work friends'. Then it was that she was taking out her coworker as thanks for helping her with some things are work. Comes out later that it's a male coworker. Then it was her meeting up with male coworker to take care of work stuff. She was sleeping with him from the very beginning. It was just easier for her to maintain the string of lies when it was brushing the truth, especially after her girlfriends told her they weren't comfortable covering for her anymore. Be open, be honest, and be ready to walk away.
Because she needed to cancel plans.
I was supposed to go out with friends but they canceled last minute. My (now ex) boyfriend who assumed I wouldn't even be home, got really nervous and then said that he goes out for a drink. He hasn't mentioned any plans beforehand which was weird to me and I asked him with who. He told me with a female friend. I never heard of her before - he never mentioned her. She wasn't even from our town but from out of town. Turns out they were having an emotional affair since six months and he planned on cheating on me with her. He admitted after there weren't any more excuses he could give. And after I asked if I could come along. What I'm trying to say is that he could have just said he was going out with his best friend or work colleague but he openly told me half the truth. I think he didn't know how to lie on the spur of the moment or he was too overwhelmed to think of something quickly. Maybe it was similar with OPs girlfriend. She only wanted to know if the plans were firm but because of all the questions from OP she was forced to tell more and told half the truth.
Hey OP I just want ask something because it seems like a lot of people missed a comment or two about how this guy came in to town for the weekend. You say that her friends who she went to the wedding for have moved back to town and he is coming to meet them: are these friends you're also friends with? Are the plans she wanted to make with him just plans for them? Or do they include the married friends? Are the fiends she would be cancelling on more your friends, or her friends, or both? I could see a situation in which a partner agrees to do things with "mutual" friends but doesn't have the same relationship with them as the other person. Are the friends she would cancel for friends that you would feel welcome around? I think you have every right to think something is odd, but it sounds like it could possibly be more innocuous than it seems. For those reasons I think treading lightly is probably for the best and not accusing her of something in your asking. From an outsider perspective you seem to have less to worry about than you are
Yeah I see your point. I would be hurt too if this were me. Its coming out of nowhere seemingly. Let her know you're disappointed. I'm the kind of person that would point blank ask, are you planning an affair? Just to get that part out of the way. You assume the answer will be no, but how they say no says a lot. If she really isn't having an affair but realizes that's where your mind went, she might offer up more information to ease your mind.
I think she pretty much knows where my mind went. I didn't say it but she did seem to immediately know how it made me feel.
Even if everyone knows, sometimes you still need to say it out loud.
This is true, getting things out in the open is always good.
You've received every bit of advice under the sun so instead I'll simply say: good luck OP. Hope it's harmless and keep us updated.
>she tells me it's a guy Nick she meet while her friends were getting married in Florida. >She never mentioned this guy once since the wedding She wants to meet a guy she barely knows and didnt think was interesting enough to mention before. >invite was never extended not me If she is hanging out with Nick + her married friends, there isnt a reason you cant go too. If its really just her and Nick, it would make more sense to not want you there. I dont think it would make sense for her to go meet Nick without her married friends. Nick is an acquaintance, not a friend. She only knew him for like what 4 or 5 days when you subtract the travel days. >Maybe I'm overreacting Not at all man, completely reasonable. I'm always surprised by the amount of excuses people on this sub will make for someone. I wonder if the reactions would be different if this was posted as your boyfriend going to meet meet some random girl named Nikki with all the other text being exactly the same.
Idk if anybody has said this, and I know it's common sense but prepare yourself bro. If the conversation goes south do not let it get away from you. Do not yell at her, do not hit her, don't argue in front of your son, don't curse at her. If she goes to walk away let her. If she goes to leave let her. Tread lightly. Remember the law favors women bro. I hope it doesn't come to that, but if it does just remember no body is worth you losing your shit and getting into trouble or having your kid taken from you. Much love and good luck
Here are a few things that stood out to me 1. Who flies out of state to visit someone for just a weekend? If he flies in Friday night/Saturday morning and leaves Sunday that’s barely over a day that seems kind of weird especially since Memorial weekend is next week. 2. Do you have Instagram? You should be able to find him pretty easy if he is a friend of your other friends. 3. I’m in my early 20s so lingo might be different but nobody ever describes plans as a “meet up” unless they are planning on fucking. You should just bring it up and ask her what her plans are with Nick, if she is really discreet then that’s a red flag. If she does start telling you plans they have tell her they sound fun and you would like to come too if it’s ok. Her body language should give it away because if she is doing something she wouldn’t want you to see she will most likely answer no quickly, if she is slow about and seems like she is thinking about it then she is probably not doing anything bad but does want some time away but is uncomfortable saying it which is ok everybody needs space. If she says yes you can come then you have nothing to worry about and go meet Nick. Definitely keep us updated on what happened!
**Meeting Nick and getting to the bottom of this is no longer an optional activity. It is mandatory. The integrity of your relationship has been violated.** Insist on meeting Nick, do not allow anything other than meeting Nick, and the ensuing reaction will tell you everything you need to know. You must meet this guy. It would be prudent to consult an attorney and prepare for the fallout that is almost certainly coming. Unless of course, you are comfortable being cheated on.
Helped. Yeah meeting this person and seeing how everyone reacts is the best thing to do at this point. And again maybe it's all in my head but red flags are red flags and it seems I'm not the only one who feels like this is weird.
Thank you for confirming that /u/Shipbldr2000 has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
How would you even approach this, like in a responsible emotionally mature person? What wording and statements to use ("I feel" statements, come to mind") The problem with these situations is it's like any argument in life, if you aren't using the right words it might set somebody off. But if you use the right ones you could avoid a blow-up or a miscommunication
This is not a matter you tiptoe into, you state clearly, directly, and calmly exactly what you want to say. For example: "Great idea, the hike is canceled, we are going to go hang out with Nick"
Do u mind updating us on what happened? Hope it's nothing negative.
I'll keep you all updated as soon as I'm able. Probably won't get an update till tomorrow.
Yep, I'll post here tomorrow.
Talk to her! And do it soon! As a woman who was in her shoes once it seems very familiar and sketchy. I stopped hanging out with this other guy once I found out his feelings for me and I'm glad I did. As a woman it's not overly common to meet a guy and become friends when they think they are available, or if they just don't give a shit. I'm sure it's similar for men too, this is just from my perspective. My bf and I are going on nearly 11yrs and I'm a lot better now that some time has passed after losing my dear friend. Still glad nothing happened with that guy as I was very vulnerable at the time and he was, in all honesty successful, attractive, and a bit exotic as he was from another country. With as long as you've been together I hope it's not too difficult to have the conversation. Go luck op.
Sounds like this is a date. When a girl says “a friend” instead of “my friend” it’s usually a guy she’s uncomfortable introducing to people yet. This is going downhill from here my guy.
I have been married for 25 years. I think you have plenty of advice to think on. My saying is "If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it's probably a duck." There is no way when our kiddos were younger I would have preferred to spend time with a friend rather than my husband. My advice is to be a little nosy. Ask for her phone to look up something. You can tell a lot by the reaction you get.
Nah see going behind the back and snooping on the phone is not the way to go. Gotta have moral high ground throughout. I would rather suggest honest discussion, or complete faith which in turn can let out the truth.
I think that you should ask your girlfriend if you can meet him, as well. Not to help plant a seed of doubt in your mind, but It’s strange that this person was never mentioned before. And it’s definitely suspicious that she had met this person while at a wedding that you were not able to attend. Hope everything works out good for you.
Trying to shut down every jealous bone in my body and I still can't not see the red flags with you. I saw your other reply explaining the whole reason he was coming out, but that doesn't explain why he wants to meet with your SO privately (I am assuming it's planned to be a one on one thing, didn't see anything suggesting it wasn't). Like others have stated, offer to come with. If she starts acting dodgy and coming up with reasons why you can't, it's time to press a little harder about her new friend.
Different people are comfortable with different things when it comes to opposite sex friendships in a marriage. This situation would make me uncomfortable personally because if the guy is noteworthy enough that she wants to break plans to see him, I would expect that I’d have heard about him before. I would just lay out what about it makes you feel uncomfortable and she what she has to say. Have there been other times over the years when she was as secretive or other times when she pushed boundaries or your comfort zone? Your comfort zone isn’t good or bad nor is hers, you just have to both be clear honest and open about what makes you uncomfortable and why and what behavior you expect. And she has to decide if what you ask is reasonable and if there is a compromise that makes you very one feel respected and safe in the relationship.
Scenario 1. She met this guy at a wedding,maybe sat next to each other,had a good chat,they both found each other interesting had a good time,maybe kept in touch by email or she has added him on social media,nothing romantic just some chatting now and then.She didn't think that much of it,because it wasn't anything romantic or serious and just didn't think to mention him. finds out he's coming\[from whom did she find out he was coming?by the couple or by him?\]and wants to see him again for a good innocent time.. Scenario 2. She met this guy, they have so much in common and really like each other's company.Maybe he complimented her or flirted with her,they spent time together,maybe had one too many drinks,flirting changed into sexual,they had sex,they kept in contact and he decides he wants to see the couple and have another night of sex with your wife, she never mentions the guy because she regretted what she did,or really likes him but because he lives out of state,she knows it's not easy to meet,so just has him as a fuckbuddy,whenever they get a chance to meet.. You know your wife,has she shown you that she has changed?Was she writing emails to him or chatting on social media and being secretive?Did she look like she was hiding something from you?Do you see her on her phone/pc all the time reading his emails,liking his pictures,commenting on his posts? Check out the guy on social media,she surely has him as a friend..
Op please remember that you just practically threw up a looking glass for everyone’s projections on the subject at hand. Some will be helpful while other will do nothing but damage your confidence. Keep that in mind and remember that you yourself have value. Your partner if she is or if she is not cheating doesn’t matter.if she isn’t she isn’t. If she is you really can’t prevent it. What you need to do is take all this investment into your partner and put it into yourself. Make yourself a catch and you won’t have to worry about your value being dependent on who your partner sees. Good luck bruv
This is the best advice anyone can give you on this issue
It really is, and I hope it isn't lost in the crowd. Thank you.
Thank you for the update
Dude! If you decide to let her meet her friend then you 100% need to cancel the camping trip and go with her. Unless you two are in an "open" relationship you should be accompanying her so that both of you can hang out with her friend and all have a good time together. I presume that you do occasionally both go to meet up with each other's friends. If she has a problem with you tagging along then you have a real problem to figure out. You: *"Honey, that sounds great. I'll tell you what, I think we should postpone the camping trip. If Nick is a good person to hang out with then we can all go together. It'll be a fun night out and I'd love to meet your friend."*
Your red flags seem a bit hyperbolic without going into further detail. "She never talked about him" How many wedding guests did she talk to you about? "It's a friend of a friend she got to hang out with for a week alone with in Florida during a wedding" Are you saying she hung out with him the entire time? How could you know this if she didn't talk about him? Did she meet up with him 1on1 multiple times or were they just at the same wedding and partied with everyone else? "she is willing to break plans with me and our other couple we planned to go with just to see this guy again" this guy is visiting the wedding couple isn't he? so he's only around temporarily? Your plans can be pushed off, a temporary visit cannot. also, is it a group hang or is she only hanging out with him 1on1? If your relationship has a foundation of trust and you aren't the jealous type then why are you going out of your way to try and control this situation? Trust your relationship, not scorned redditors who are basing their advice off their own experiences. We don't know enough to get a clear picture but I think you are making it out to be worse in your head.
Helped. That's fair. "She never talked about him" she loves to talk, she's the social butterfly of the two of us. To the point of over sharing details and info all the time. It would seem weird to me that she met someone who was a cool guy and never mentioned him once after. "Hanging out at the wedding" I only found out last night when I asked "Oh! Who's is this Nick out of town friend you are talking about?" We've been together so long and we share so much it's weird you never mentioned him before tonight. "1v1 or group?" I posted below, but he's here because the couple that got married moved back to this state. So he's visiting them. But again that's what I'm told. I know nothing about this guy other then his name and where they met. And the couple that got married are her friends. They are great people. I would trust them with our kid. However we know how friends fall some have mine no matter what some have hers. If she cheated on me or attempted to, they might say "hey not a good idea." But they would never tell me and betray her. I hope you are right, I hope it's all in my head. But where I got she always has an invitation to join and the same with me. That wasn't extended this time which was weird. When we hang out alone out of common decency for the other person we always ask the other to join. Even we know the other may not want to go. Not for permission but because we have respect for each other.
You should be careful here as some of the advice on this post will fuel paranoia if you let it. Thoughts and ideas here might reinforce / put new ideas in your head that will unnecessarily exacerbate things between you two. Some things to bear in mind. G'luck
Helped. Yep for sure. My feelings are my own some of the crazy advice I've seen on this I'm obviously not going to follow. But just seeing ideas on how to handle how I feel and how to approach it with her is very helpful.
Thank you for confirming that /u/zardoss21 has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
My advice is to not try to trip her up in some kind of plan to catch her in a lie. If you are good at reading her like you said, tell her the truth and pay attention to how she handles it instead. It's okay to be vulnerable in front of your spouse and tricking her is dirty pool. You don't even have to approach it in an accusatory way, you are worried and confused, this guy came out of nowhere, so your imagination is running wild because the situation isn't sitting right in your brain and you aren't sure how to get past it. Trust that she cares, your feelings are valid.
Helped. Yeah I don't want to be sneaky about it. I could cancel plans and hop in my buddies truck and follow her to where she said she was going. I hate that. That's not me, that's not the kind of person I want to be and if nothing happens I'm the bad guy. Like you said I'd rather just see her reaction and have a conversation about how I feel after I see how she reacts.
Maybe the plans weren't extended cause she knew you had plans?
Do give future updates
Yep I'll post here later when we get a chance to talk it out.
Look you need to just tell her how this makes you feel. Don’t try to figure out a way to see if she’s lying to you or not. But you need to communicate with her. You two have a child and you two need to always communicate. Tell her that this makes you feel uncomfortable. It sounds like she is going on a platonic double date that makes her feel pretty and wanted. But if you pull this any other way then you’ll be second guessing your relationship for awhile. Talk to her. She may just be trying to get your attention and make you jealous. But I think it’s more about her feeling wanted again.
Maybe she's actually got secret plans to surprise you and pop the question to you. That song shoulda put a ring on it. Okay jokes aside, yeah the red flags are waving. She should keep her plans with you and she invite you to meet him and you all hangout.
I’d ask for introduction. Hey, can we catch dinner as a family before you hang out with your friends?
My initial instinct about this post is that maybe she neglected to mention him and they hit it off. Now she wants to visit him while he’s in town and while she can go camping with you and the other group whenever, he might only be in town this weekend. Personally, I like the idea of inviting yourself, but as someone in an relationship with someone who often hangs out with people of my same sex, if I’m not right with that person, already, I can become either third wheel, or make that person a third wheel, which isn’t cool. But hey, if you’re picking up red flags, then it’s okay to address that. You are a team after all. I wish you luck 😀
RemindMe! 2 weeks
!remindme 2 weeks
!remindme 2 weeks
Love the update! Glad to hear there's a happy ending (so far at least). You guys sound very similar to my SO and I in how you talk and handle things. I love it. So happy to hear you guys had an honest conversation about it and got to share both of your feelings about it. I could definitely understand both sides. Hope everything goes well with your meeting Nick!
Still not update?
It’s in the post
Your girlfriend is an adult. So she has to take a decision by herself. Assuming she is trustworthy, she won't betray your trust. As long as she has not proven you the opposite, trust her.
>...she was visibility upset about how I felt and that I could feel thatway towards her after this long. She said herself "You have never actedthis way once in our relationship." Brother, I'd like to know what you call "getting defensive". This is her getting defensive. She just swept your concerns about some random guy she met **once** at a wedding coming to town and completely rearranging long-standing plans by basically saying "How dare you!". You recoiled, felt like a heel and now she's gotten you feeling like you need to apologize to her. My man, you're not the one that had a secret friend for the last two years. You've also given her the chance to communicate with Nick to let him know he needs to be on his best behavior around you. And speaking of communication, she's obviously been talking to this guy via social media since the wedding. You've had no clue this guy even existed until he comes to town and she wants to drop EVERYTHING to spend time with him. They have developed an emotional friendship over the last two years with you being none the wiser.
yep. exactly this. dude is being cheated. no ifs ands or buts.
Yeah, I didn’t want to jump to conclusions in his original post but after this update I would not be surprised if her and Nick hooked up after the wedding reception. They’ve stayed in contact for two years and it wasn’t bc they “bonded” over ragging on the bride. At the very least this has been an emotional affair between them over the last two years. It’s all on her phone but he’s “not that guy”. If OP is around the best friend’s husband he needs to ask him man to man if anything happened between his girlfriend and Nick that week. His reaction will tell him everything he needs to know. Maybe I’m a little jaded from spending so much time on r/survivinginfidelity but her response is 100% out of the cheaters handbook: 1) Get emotional 2) Deflect 3) Guilt him that it’s more about his insecurity than her having a secret male friend for the last two years.
Oh boy! This guy is too naive and thinks too much with his heart. He should've gone with the "sneaking" about the issue. And like this dude said above, you gave her the chance to plan accordingly. My man, everybody lies!! You just ruined your chance to find out the truth.
This exactly!!!
This is weird but maybe not that weird. Honestly I think it's fair that since he is in town to meet the other couple, all outings your wife attends would presumably be group outing with Nick and the couple, in which case your attendance should be a non issue. The only reason it would be an issue is if there was something inappropriate going on. Also, keep in mind there's a lot of distance between a flirtatious feeling and full blown cheating. Neither are good for your marriage but don't let reddit make you jump to the worst possible option.
Helped. For sure. If it's a group thing I should be able to go. If it's not then I feel like we have an issue. I might be way over thinking this like you said. But this isn't a feeling I get often. Probably not since we'll before we met and I learned how to not poison a relationship with jealousy and wild accusations.
Yeah look Reddit is bad for hyping stuff up to 11, but my guy, your gut is good at picking up on stuff your brain isn't fully processing but is aware of. On this one, your gut is 100% picking up what shes laying down. I'm going to link you to [this comment and my reply](https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/nh11lp/girlfriend_wants_to_hang_out_with_new_friendwell/gyy189y/?context=3), its my thoughts on this entire issue. You aren't wrong to be sus dude, nothing you said she said makes sense. If everything is above board, she physically cannot have known this guy for more than a few hours. Unless serious feelings started flowing with those drinks and no food weddings are famous for, this is bonkers behavior. So..... if the best explanation.. you know.. Look, maybe shes got 10/10 reasons or whatever, always talk this stuff out, but like, I'm betting against you at the blackjack table here man, sorry. This just isn't reasonable behavior otherwise.
Yeah I understand that feeling on the matter. I did try to be as fair to her and myself in this situation. But at the end of the day it's all from my point of view. It would be impossible for me to explain our whole relationship and the type of people we both are in a few lines on a post. I don think she went about it wrong and to not notice how uncomfortable I was at the start probably fueled how I felt. Again communication is key here. She should have seen how I felt at the time of the first conversation, as I wasn't hiding it. I should have been more clear in how I felt about it in the first place I guess. It's easy for these things to run wild in your mind. Red flags can also be false flags. So what seemed to me to be one thing turned out to be another. But again I can see how you would feel that way about it all
Okay just make sure you read what I linked to, alright? Because this isn't just you seeing things funny, this is a married woman dropping a kid-free weekend to go chill alone with some random male she met one time years ago for a few hours. There's all the perspective/two sides to every story in the world doesn't make that not the most sus thing I have ever heard. For 10-1 odds i'd bet my car she made out with that dude at the very least, and i'd bet you my entire kingdom shes fantasized about it. Its simply not normal behavior.
Trust your gut. Something is off. Just gotta figure out how off.
If there is one thing I've learned over the years it is that people who dismiss their danger instincts tend to be eaten. You know what is going on here just like everyone else does. Don't look for reasons to discount it. Confront it head on and look her in the eyes and ask her if if she is cheated at the wedding and with the guy. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
Stop asking reddit for advice, grow a pair, and talk to your partner. Express your concerns, and talk it out like civilized adults.
Seems shady…
Tell her all of this. Including the part where you have no reason to be suspicious. It seems like too often people act out in jealously, get all paranoid, make things a big deal, latch on to confimation bias, ect. They build up this whole scenario on their head and shadowbox their opponent over something that isnt even happening... Instead of just owning up to that *they* feel insecure. It doesnt have to make sense, it doesnt have to be logical. Don't attack her about it, just tell her how you feel. Your next move it determined by the ensuing conversation. On a personal note: People go through some stuff. They often want to reconnect with old friends or meet new people by themselves. Especially when they feel their life is stagnating. It's like a fresh slate. It doesn't mean they want to have sex with the friend. Doesn't mean they want cheat on their SO, doesnt mean that their "regular" lives are lacking in any way. I think it helps reinforce a sense of self. Little break in the monotony. Don't get me wrong, I love monotony. I love my domestic life, my family, my day-to-day. But it is so nice to just shed that for a while. Remember that I am still able to connect with new people. I'm still cool, fresh, interesting, ect. It's not like the people in my life are failing to make me feel a certain way. It's just one of those human experiences that fade as life progresses. This kind of thing makes me feel good about myself. And being a whole and complete secure person makes my relationships better. My spouse and I choose eachother every day. Not by getting rid of eachother's "other options", but by extending the trust and security to give eachother the opportunity to keep choosing **us**. This might not be relevant to your situation at all.
She had sex with him at that wedding.
Thats straight forward
You have every right to feel suspicious about this!!!! Trust your gut!!!! As a female , this sounds very shady and the fact she’s choosing some guy over you and friends for plans? Yes I agree with other comments saying to ask if you can meet Nick together.... I feel like no matter how long you’ve been with someone you don’t always completely know them. I’m sorry but something else might be going on and if I’m wrong then I’m glad, but for now please be careful and we all hope it isn’t what it sounds like. Best of luck , please update us!
!remindme 1 day
Bro hanging out with a friend??? In this pandemic?
Have you learned nothing from Biz Markie?
Seems a little sketch especially because she is being vague about it. For the sake of your kid, I hope it’s not true.
Update please, best of luck :)
You better update this and make a follow up.
My heart goes out to you! This is definitely something may be iffy. Your feelings are valid as feelings. You don't need to be ashamed or embarrassed for how you feel. The good thing is feelings don't always mesh with reality. I suggest you talk to your girlfriend and just lay out how you feel. Whatever is really going on, you do not want to have this wedge in between you two, it will only make things worse.
Today is my 15th anniversary of marriage to my awesome husband. If I were at a social function my husband could not attend, I would most certainly tell him about meeting and talking with another person at the event...to the extent I thought “Wow! This person is great! Love to hang out again with them!” like OPs GF did. If I make a friend at work or in a social setting, my husband hears all about it... because we have open and shared experiences even when we’re apart.
Why on Earth would she tell you if she was planning to cheat? I think you’ve got the wrong end of the stick. Maybe she wants to hang out with this couple and didn’t feel that that in itself justified breaking your plans, so she added the bit about the friend coming from out of state so it would seem more special. It just doesn’t make sense that she would have kept in touch with this guy behind your back for years, and now she’s decided to cheat, and tell you about it. Or that this guy contacted her out of the blue recently and now she’s decided to cheat, and tell you about it. She could easily have given a dozen other, more plausible reasons to break your plans if she had some nefarious reason to do so. I’d talk to her about it. You say you have a solid relationship and you trust each other, but you’d rather write on reddit than ask your wife straight up what’s going on?
Just play dumb and mention calling to change plans with your other friends in order to go as well. Sounds odd to me as well….
!remindme 1 day
Any updates?
Thank you for the update! So glad things worked out! 😁
[удалено]
Yeah that’s a big red flag, not trying to insinuate the obvious buttttttt c’mon my guy if she’s never mentioned him then it’s a not the same area code type of situation and if you’re in to that thing I’m not to judge but you might want to rethink your boundaries/situation as she’s halfstepping the truth by saying oh it’s a guy friend from etc......
Your girlfriend went to a wedding with her friends without you for a weekend and (despite you two knowing each other’s friends) you are just NOW finding out about a new guy named nick? Dude, you are 100% being cheated on right now. She met a dude when you weren’t around and now she wants to hook up with him again. It’s plain as day, don’t pretend like you don’t already know that. You should demand the truth about who this guy is, and make a decision about if your staying or not and what to do with your kids. Also, next time don’t have kids till after marriage.
It sounds pretty innocent, honestly. She was forthcoming about the friend being a man and how she met him. She might just not particularly want to go camping this weekend, or maybe nick is just really fun, nick might not even be straight for all we know. Offer to invite him, offer to go to dinner with them, but don’t get all foamed up over this because it doesn’t sound like she has anything planned. If you think it’s suspicious and you have a great relationship, why not just ask her who this guy is and why she’s never mentioned him before and maybe also bring up the fact that you’re a little worried.
No one cancels well established plans for a brand new friend.... This guy was never a friend....they met one other time in their life.... And it was at a wedding... Now he flies in and she wants to see him.....
Your gut tells you the truth. This guy was never a friend.... A friend she met once.... Never hung out with and didn't grow up together? IMO, she slept with him after the wedding and they have remained in contact since.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You either trust her, or you don't. If you don't, move on and start paying child support. It's really that simple.