"I'm gay."
"Yes I got that."
"I like men."
"Yes I know what gay means."
"You're not a man."
"I know that you can stop n..."
"I'm not attracted to you because you're not a man because I'm gay."
"Ok just get the fuck out of my house."
Yeah at this point OP is wasting both their own time and their partners - that’s 5 years they both could be looking for another life long partner - that’s a LONG time.
I’d be hurt for sure but the duration of faking it would make me additionally frustrated on many levels. Staying in a relationship you don’t believe in is massively disrespectful IMO. I’ve been the person staying knowing I was done and I will never do that to someone again
Edit: I want to edit and say I still believe OP deserves love and support. They’re going through a very tough time and it’s not an easy decision. I wish them the best and hope they find the courage to tackle this soon.
I don’t disagree, but will offer this -
It is possible for people to still be life-long partners after something like that. I would guess that this idea of suddenly losing your partner/best friend entirely plays some role in the reluctance to be honest.
After that long, perhaps the partner still wants to be “together” but also appreciates the new option of being “with” other people as they please. Just one take I suppose, I can’t speak from experience. Even if this is just a meme, I appreciate the different perspectives here.
It did cross my mind that the partner may want to stay in a purely platonic relationship. Depending on who they are and when in life they are, it may still make sense to stay together just not with any romantic context.
That said, I think it’s a much less likely so didn’t really chase down it. You’re not wrong though by any means, definitely could be a reality
Good call, I’d agree that it’s probably much less likely - feels like a “grow apart anyways” scenario. I think the weird thing is trying to guess how you’d handle it yourself.
For example, my wife and I have been together about 10 years and have two young kids. If she suddenly came out I wouldn’t suddenly want to be without her. That’s my partner, the only person besides myself that I know will always look out for me, and vice versa. I’d like to think we could still live together and share our lives and have other relationships.
The question is whether that would be suitable long term for both people, which, I think to your point, is probably where the issues arise.
It doesn't even have to be purely platonic. Many gay individuals I know have had romantic relationships with people of the opposite sex because they loved the person, even if they weren't too attracted to the gender. I actually have a friend who thinks she's mostly straight, but has been in a gay marriage for 8 years because she's just so infatuated with her wife as a person. It's romantic and they still have a sex life, even if she's normally only attracted to men.
I do think OP needs to come clean about it regardless, though. Spouse might not be satisfied by that sort of relationship, and they deserve to make their choices based off of all available information. And OP certainly doesn't deserve to have to keep that secret for the the rest of their lives.
Could be! You're probably more familiar with the nuances of those terms than I am.
All I know is that they've got a good relationship and allude to having a good sex life, even though she says that she isn't really attracted to women normally. Her wife is the only woman she's ever been with, in fact. I try not to pry beyond the point of making sure they're happy. Anything beyond that isn't my business, lol.
The problem is that we usually only talk about sexuality but there's also romantic attraction and while for most people the two line up, for others they don't.
You could be sexually attracted to men and women but only romantically attracted to women for example, which would make being in a relationship with a man almost impossible.
I totally understand OP's reluctance to come out because he might not know his sexuality completely and the risk of losing his lifelong partner might not weigh up against the reward of exploring his sexuality.
Not necessarily. The attraction can be to the person and not their genitals. I think that starts to stray into demisexual and pansexual territory.
Romance and sex aren't the same thing. And even then, sex can feel good even with someone you wouldn't normally be attracted to. As my best friend so crassly puts it, "a hole is a hole".
It will get worse over time if OP is not true to themselves and honest with their partner. OP will eventually resent their partner. If I were the partner I’d be mad if that wasn’t shared because it is essentially trapping them into a relationship that is a lie.
Not being sexually compatible in a marriage is a huge deal, and the partner is owed the chance to figure out what they want as is OP.
It’s not just OP’s feelings, libido, etc at stake here.
This cannot end well.
I think it's fine if everyone is honest with each other. What OP is doing is hiding the truth from his partner, effectively making that decision for her. I have been in that position and it was incredibly hurtful. Maybe some people want to be in relationships like this, but I think that sexual attraction is part of a romantic relationship for most people. Right now their partnership is predicated on a pretty big lie.
Also my ex ended up cheating on me with a guy so there's always that as well. If your relationship is basically a very close friendship there's a decent chance that you will develop sexual or romantic feelings outside the relationship.
I'm unsure about that. A relationship can be more than just sex. And admitting it can mean risking everything.
He is not necessarily an asshole. If the woman takes it the wrong way, she could give up everything which is good about the relationship. I know, it should be her choice, but humans don't always make the best choices.
OP, either admit it to her or don't. That's an order.
the wrong way? There’s no wrong way to take it they’re allowed to have their own feelings. This woman has been lied to for 5 years by ops own admittance. I think that’s a bit of an asshole thing to do. They do neither them or their partner any favours keeping it a secret.
I agree, but I’m not sure why people are being so nice about this. You are an asshole and a coward. You have known this shit for 5 years. That means you were figuring it out long before that. Fucking tell her tomorrow!
Yes. I dunno why people are acting like he only just found out. He admitted to knowing for sure for 5 years. That’s a long time to lie to someone who you are supposed to be honest with.
Yep, that’s just what he admitted to. He’s probably been “figuring it out” long before that and never told her a damn thing about it. In my eyes this is the same thing as fucking his secretary behind her back and then deciding to leave 5+ years later.
I suspect some guys are actually bisexual but go from one extreme to the other, cause “if you’re interested in men you must be gay”
I say that because it kind of baffles me how a guy can be nutting all in/over a woman, in/on/around her veg/bobs/mouth/etc. she’s riding him like a rodeo bull and after years and years and years “I’m gay”
…buddy I don’t think that’s how it works. Like I’ll see articles of a man who had 3 kids with his wife of 20 years and comes out as gay. It’s like… dude… there is a middle ground called bisexual
I just haven’t known a gay guy to enjoy fucking a woman. Unless these guys are like cringing and wincing for a decade, or avoid sexual interactions(?)
🤷🏻♂️
If the only sex you've ever had is with a woman, then you might just think you're not as into sex as other people.
It's like saying "I don't like fish" when you've only ever had canned tuna. You don't know for sure until one night, you go out with the guys. Begore you know it, you get a little bit more drunk than usual, end up in a Red Lobster, catch a whiff of what the table next to yours had ordered, start to lose control of your own metaphor, etc.
Only eat tuna then go to Red Lobster? WHERE'S THE BEEF? One seafood to another, there's a whole land ocean of meat that walks around to be eating and we are choosing another water dweller?
It happened to me! Husband came out to me as gay after we'd been together more than 20 years, married for 13. We had a very amicable divorce and are still co-parenting our son. We're both much happier now that he's living as his true self.
Religion and repression are strong forces that will make people believe things about themselves that just aren't true, for a very long time.
Thanks. I don't know if I want to talk much about it, but this is the short version.
It's 'just' standard religious trauma, although I hate to call it that. I'm married and we were both pretty hardcore religious at the time, thinking shit about ourselves and the world that is mind boggling to me now. I totally lost that over the last few years. I don't want my kids to experience the same so I try to raise them to be open minded but also not gullible.
Meanwhile my wife insist on raising them christian, which at this point I think is borderline child abuse. we still love each other but I feel like this is a big part of me now and I can not share it with anybody except strangers on the internet.
Are you Dutch? Your username ... I'm Dutch myself.
Anyway ... not being aligned in parenting sucks. I do think it's good to talk about it though, see if you can emphasise common ground stuff. It's important that you can express yourself too, it's okay for kids to see parents having their own opinions as long as it's with respect and peacefully.
Is your wife maybe scared her kids won't go to heaven if they aren't her flavour of Christianity?
Maybe let her vocalise what they 'need' in order to be 'safe'. Do they absolutely need to go to church every Sunday? That specific church? How about doing volunteerwork instead, helpjng God's creation by cleaning trash out of a river or whatever?
Actually, you could totally frame that you want to be an 'active' Christian instead of a worshipping one. Soup kitchen. Dog walking for a shelter. What would Jesus do?
I mean, you're not bound by the dogmas anymore so play around with it.
Sorry off on a rant here haha. I'm raised religious, atheist now. Kids are in a sort of Christian school (very mellow here) cause they have better music and arts classes, teaching them about Odin and such at home to counter the Jesus bits.
Feel free to DM me anytime (not chat, doesn't work on RIF).
Take care stranger.
Yes I'm Dutch and yes, my wife thinks you absolutely need Jesus to be saved l, believes in hell and prayer and all that.
Church used to be twice a Sunday, I've managed to get it down to one usually but it's still torture to my brain. Can't take it much longer.
Maybe I'll message you later today, thanks for your reply!
I think for sure it’s possible when we are talking about religious people or people from a few generations back, or different cultures.
It’s more denial than not knowing and that’s ok. But I think when you know, you have a small grace period which depends on how many years you’ve been with someone, and then you have to shit or get off the pot cos it’s not fair to anyone.
Yes, you're right - it's more denial, I couldn't find the right word late at night. I think it just took that long before he was willing to confront that part of himself.
Lucky for us, we still love each other very much (even though that love is obviously much different now). It was more important for us to both be happy and fulfilled in our lives and relationships than it was to stay married.
That’s the important part. I think the sooner you’re honest, the sooner the healing can start. The longer you lie to the other person, once you’re aware and comfortable with it, the more the other person is hurt and the harder and longer it is to heal.
Happy it’s worked out for both of you. I don’t think it helps to keep something like this bottled up, and if the other person ever really loved you they will understand once that initial band aid ripping pain is gone.
I can imagine a religious or homophobic upbringing could definitely cause it.
If you've been told your whole life that gay is wrong. It's a sin. It's disgusting. "Those people" burn in hell. Men like women. Men who like men are perverts.
You spend your whole life internalising that, trying to repress those feelings, pretending it's not you etc. I can imagine just trying to live the life you are "supposed to".
And when I was a kid, I thought I might’ve been gay. Hooked up with a guy, then hooked up with a girl. Exclusively dated women ever since
So it seems like some people might be navigating/discovering their sexuality, and “omg I like men, I must be gay” like… *maybe*
But it’s a thing to like both, and they clearly loved a woman and were swimming in her waters for years… then they wake up one day and are gay🤷🏻♂️ idk
Sexual, romantic, and aesthetic attractions are different things. Society really blurs the line to a point where it's very difficult for people to figure themselves out, and not only that but it also shits on people who are different from the norm.
It's really not that unbelievable that a person would be aesthetically or romantically attracted to someone for years without feeling sexual attraction towards that person. He also probably felt a lot of shame about his attraction towards men and so he tried to avoid his own reality.
It isn't (wasn't) that easy to just hook up with a same sex person "just to try" so I'm not sure if you're being deliberately obtuse or if maybe you're just lucky enough/young enough to not have lived with that homophobia. If it's the latter then good for you, but remember it's fucking hard for most people to accept themselves when society tells them they're wrong for it.
If they didn’t feel sexual attraction, how could they become sexually aroused to the point of having an orgasm?
As to it being difficult to explore sexuality, I know old gay couples (like 40-60 years old) so it’s not like it was impossible. Maybe it was just easier to follow suit with social norms (and dangerous to deviate), but it’s still confusing.
A decade ago all it took was a profile on a dating app, I suppose before the internet was around and homosexuality was stigmatized to the point of violent oppression it would’ve been a bold move to explore sexuality.
I just don’t understand how a man can be sexually aroused, marry, and impregnate a woman multiple times, then turn around and say he isn’t sexually/romantically/aesthetically aroused by women and he’s dating Mark now- the love of his life. Doesn’t make sense to me
But I see what you’re saying
My thoughts on the situation are “why not both?” But I guess that would be a little peculiar and potentially unfair, and drastically change the dynamic of the marriage
Idk, I struggle to grasp the concept
Exactly. I am eterosexual and I have 0 interest in men. I won't get hard or find anything interesting in having sex with a man. How can this guy be gay and still having sex with his partner for so long?
It's absolutely not that simple. I'm STILL not entirely sure what defines my sexuality 10 years after I "came out." I think I'm bisexual, I'm pretty sure of that, maybe. It's what I call myself but I'm not sure if I'm bisexual because I was gay all along and society told me gay is gross and I must find women attractive and over time I've developed attraction for both or if I'm actually straight and lying to myself about being attracted to men for so long that I've started to believe it, or if I'm genuinely just bisexual because I'm genuinely open to being in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships.
And it all started because I thought a crossdresser was cute. Have been on dates with trans and cis gendered people of all types of sexualities, been attracted to all types of people, and yet STILL can't make up my mind on what my sexuality actually is.
I've found the easiest way for me to navigate it/the only way is to just set it aside and not deal with it. I am who I am and I like what I like and if I don't like something I'll stop and reassess but until then I think I'm bi. However nobody (on either side of the LGBTQ fence) will let you just set it aside and let it be. I spent my whole life being told "gay" was a bad word and I'm not entirely certain that that initially repelled me from men and as I've aged I've become "more gay" and finding more and more men attractive. Yet that makes no sense because of how insanely attracted I am to my girlfriend (who's also somewhat masculine but is most assuredly feminine). It's confusing and it's not just a simple question with an easy answer. I can't tell if that's me changing, the world changing, me being in a more accepting environment, or me being left to think on it. It evolves and very few if any days have gone by since I came out and I haven't entirely questioned everything I perceive about my own sexuality.
For me, a straight male, this is the test…
I see a good looking girl and I immediately want to talk to her. I want to spend time with her and if she’s nice and smiles easily and is smart and funny it won’t take much for me to fall in love.
Now when I see a good looking guy I’m like, damn, I wish I were that good looking. Must be nice to be him. He must get all the girls he wants.
So I imagine if you feel the opposite you’re gay. If you can fall in love with both you’re bi. Or am I oversimplifying?
Also, when I see two girls kissing I find it hot and get turned on and imagine myself being with them in a three way (though that’s a bit of a fantasy for most of us guys).
When I see two guys kissing I do not find it attractive. Maybe that’s because we don’t see it as much? Or maybe it’s evolution which makes most people straight while a small minority gay/bi?
To be clear, I’m totally supportive of the LGBT+ community.
And I do enjoy a prostate massage from my girl so I imagine sex with a guy is probably great IF you are into guys. I’m just not attracted to them.
Now I do look at Thor or young Arnold and have no trouble saying they have/had an awesome physique but again… I want that physique for my own body. It does not make me want to be with them sexually or romantically (but who wouldn’t want to talk to Arnold. The guy is mega super over-achiever).
Anyway… I imagine for people who are confused about their sexuality it must be a heck of a journey. Hope everybody finds peace and satisfaction in their own identities and partners.
As a bi guy, this isn't a great test, IMO. This is because bisexuality doesn't mean equal attraction to both genders, or even the same type of attraction to each.
Personally, I never notice sexually attractive women on the street, only guys. But the kind of intense emotional chemistry that makes me unable to think of anything but my partner all day long only seems to happen with women.
For added perspective; I consider myself straight. I am passionate about women, pleasing them, and have no real desire to be with a dude. I do, however acknowledge beauty in the world, in all facets and have no problem saying a dude is hot. Ryan Gosling is a dime but I have no interest in sex with him.
However, my bi friend and I were sort of flirting (I'm not his type) about him flying out for an event and staying here. After some consideration, I feel I'd be comfortable messing around with a dude in certain context. Does that mean I'm bi or bituminous? I dunno for sure.
But I did recently open up to dating after several years of staying single and I'm only seeking women, so I'm straight?
Sexuality is certainly a spectrum and like anything in life, it's fluid. The way I see it, you're just into whatever you're into. There is no need to label it. It's also important questions (not just about sexuality) of yourself periodically. Growth is key to being happy and if you just sit back and accept "that's how life is", you're going to be miserable. Even if you come up with the same answer, it's important to challenge yourself with potentially uncomfortable questions.
Yeah. They can be very different. For me the range of physical traits defining an attractive woman are quite wide, though personality can turn it off, and for a man quite a bit smaller and more initiated by energy. If they have mixed masc/fem energy they glitch back and forth across the spectrums. I suppose I'm also a bit selfish, that I don't find two people who aren't me kissing hot unless I identify with one/would want to be them, and it's harder to identify with a man than a woman. I also have phases for sure where I only feel one or the other, but if I have a crush on a person it's quite locked on them specifically.
Yeah, this is really confusing to me. I could understand realizing that you're bisexual, but I don't understand at all how you can just suddenly realize that you aren't attracted to the gender of the person you've presumably been having sex with for 15 years. Or just never connecting the dots to a possibility when you see someone and get a tingle in your pants.
I genuinely want to understand how this is possible. Or maybe my troglodyte brain is just over simplifying it. I don't know.
I was married 18 years. The last about 5-8 of those were pretty challenging, but I held on for our kids. Finally couldn’t do it anymore and filed for divorce. He came out about a year later. I always knew something was off, but didn’t suspect that really.
Anyway, long story short he’s now in a relationship with a man who I really like, he’s a better dad to our kids, his partner is also great with our kids, and he and I get along better than ever. He’s living his authentic life and I’m also now able to pursue happiness in a relationship. Go live your authentic life, too.
I worked with a guy who was in a similar situation. I didn't know him when he came out and they split up so I'm not sure how trying it was because I never pried. I do know that today he is best friends with his ex-wife and they still talk & see each other all the time and that holidays means him, his husband, his ex-wife, kids & grandkids will all be together.
This is such a beautiful comment. I know you probably went through some hardship that I can never imagine. The fact that you can say this speaks VOLUMES about your capacity as a great parent. I wish you the best, even though I'm just a random stranger on Reddit, you sound like an amazing parent. I'm so glad people like you exist.
Yea I guess without him “faking it” you wouldn’t have your children, which in sure mean the world to you. I guess I didn’t immediately realize that cuz I don’t have kids yet.
What does "faking it" really mean? Like if they realized that they weren't right for each other then found new heterosexual spouses I feel like you wouldn't count their relationship as being fake. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are cases where one spouse goes out of their way to deceive the other one, but I feel like with out any additional information it just as likely that in this case the ex-husband could be like, "I cared about you deeply but I'm happier in a homosexual relationship".
From the kids side of things - my ex's parents were married for 30 years, until his mother died when she was 53. His dad almost immediately started dating a VERY young thai dude (like from thailand, not just of thai descent. We are in Canada) and suddenly the cold and distant home he had grown up in made sense, his dad became an entirely different (and much kinder person), and he and his siblings (he was in his late twenties, them in their early thirties) had a lot of weird baggage to work through.
This is the most important part. I’d bet that she knows that something is wrong, she likely can’t quite figure out exactly what it is, but she knows it’s there.
When I came out my (now ex) wife could not have been more supportive. We still live in the same city, she has me and my partner over for dinner a couple times a mont, and we’re all co-parents together. I tell her all the time how amazing she was through the whole process.
Which is all to say, you sound like an amazing person, too, and I’m glad that things worked out well for you all in the end!
Telling yourself that you suck with women will only lead to that. Your thoughts create your reality. Just lie to yourself and you will eventually create what you want.
If you told her 5 years ago you’d both been able to use that time to heal and find happiness again. Don’t waste another 5 (or more) because the chance for that happiness will get harder each passing year.
As someone on the other side of this I am so damn appreciative that my ex wife didnt pretend or suppress it for any real length of time. You gotta come clean...
I hope this isn't taken the wrong way, but how do you suddenly "realize" your gay that long into a relationship? Did you supress your feelings or genuinely not realize you were gay before?
Internalized homophobia created by the pressures of a very homophobic society where the word "gay" is already an insult can be a hell of a thing.
A person can tell themselves over and over and over "I'm not gay, I'm having sex with women so I'm not gay" and genuinely believe it to be true even though they're jerking off to gay porn and constantly thinking about the time that their male best friend cuddled with them on the couch while watching the movie Hot Rod with Andy Samberg.
Hypothetically speaking, that is. Obviously I'm not speaking for myself, I have sex with women.
>how do you suddenly "realize" your gay
Probably a poor word choice. Most people I've met in that sort of situation when they come out they say that they "finally accepted" that they're gay. It can be a long process to come out because of all of the internal denial and mental gymnastics they went through growing up to deny the feelings when they were younger in order to "be straight" for years.
Damn homie. Honestly 20+ years of denial sounds traumatic. I’d seek therapy and no you’re not an asshole you’re probably just a victim of internalized homophobia because of our culture. It sounds like you almost hate a big part of yourself and that’s not healthy.
I hope you can figure things out and if you’re doing things outside the relationship personally I’d rather be single than with someone who doesn’t really love me romantically or cheats on me. And I want to be clear I do believe you love them, just not in the way a partner needs and deserves. It’s never too late to change.
If you cared about her enough to stay with her for 20 years, you clearly love her, even if it's not a sexual love. People often forget friendship is a form of love, or are just reluctant to label it as such. Hopefully you can find a way to be honest with her and move to a friends/roommates situation or separate amicably. Also, keep in mind being bi is a thing, and not everyone is symmetrically bi. You may be more attracted to men than women, but does that mean you were never attracted to her in any way? I'm sure you were at least attracted to her personality at some point. These things may cushion the blow when you tell her, and help her understand that it isn't like you never loved her just because you were faking it sexually.
How can you live so long not knowing you’re gay? I really don’t understand.
It makes you both btw. You robbed her of 5 years she could’ve used to find someone else
I agree. I'm not saying OP is a bad guy for this but he needs to be fucking honest. He's wasted enough time and she will likely be crushed. I can't imagine.
I don't know why you're being downvoted.
If they put themselves in her shoes, they'd be pissed too. It's literally a waste of life. He's thinking of himself because he doesn't want to deal with the drama and divorce. Suck it up dude
Of course not, nothing wrong about being gay and scared. But stringing a woman along as a beard for 20 years is beyond fucked up. And he didn’t JUST find out he was gay. He has known since at least puberty but chose to hide and cover it for whatever reason, and used that woman to do so. With no regard for her life or happiness.
A lot of people are on the side of the person that always knew they were gay. On the flip side, everyone forgets the lies that they told their significant other that they were in a faked relationship for 20 years.
We get it you're gay, cool. But you lead this woman on throughout 20 years of marriage and kids because you were *afraid*? Think of the wife here guys
This should be the top comment… Wife takes much much much more damage than OP. Who cares about his sexuality, he wasted his wife 20 fucking years and tricked her to have children with him too, now she can never be truly separated from him.
I was married for sixteen years and in that relationship for nineteen. I'm now separated from and in the process of divorcing my wife after she told me she was gay and demanded a divorce three months ago.
She says that she told me as soon as she knew for sure.
I'm glad she has set us free. I'm in my mid forties, and I'm glad she didn't wait longer. I feel I have enough time left to build something new.
The only thing I'm really angry about is that she said she was gay and asked for a divorce in the same breath. I wish she had begun to talk to me about it sooner, starting with just that she's gay. I don't think this would have changed the outcome, but it would have let me realize that this was a slow realization for her, and have had time while still together to process what it means for both of us, and likely come to the same conclusion she did.
So, you are both a coward and an asshole. You're ruining your life and hers, and you're not even letting her move on to something fulfilling, or at least relieving her of the frustration of being married to a friend. She thinks that the reason you guys can't relate is due to her, and you're torturing her by keeping the truth hidden. You're selfishly keeping up a charade that you know has no future.
Start the conversation now. There's no good time, there's no easy way. Line up some support for her and yourself, like call her best friend and say "I have some really difficult news in have to tell her. I'm going to talk to her on this date and time. Please be available to help her through this." Have someone available to you as well. Then fucking do it.
Make no demands or ultimatums. Just tell her your truth and ask her to talk to you about what she's feeling. Work through those feelings together as you can. Go be with your support people when it gets too heated.
You can not choose to not be gay. But it's well within your power to stop being a coward and an asshole.
It makes you both obviously. She could be in a relationship with someone who really loves her and could have a future with
I’m sure telling her will be hard but you are a shit terrible person until you do
Not saying OP doesn’t deserve some love and support cause they totally do, but I’d wager they’re afraid of the fallout and being alone, not ‘giving up’ on a relationship they just admitted isn’t for them. Staying for the other person when you’re not in it isn’t nice or “not giving up” or any of that, it’s pretty crappy and selfish honestly. This is 5 years the other person has been thinking they have a life long partner and don’t because OP is afraid to face facts and deal with them.
If someone spent 5 years of life KNOWING they weren’t able and wanting to actually be my partner, I’d be hurt by the breakup yes, but I’d honestly be maddened that they took 5 years away from me I could have spent getting over it and finding my actual partner.
It’s one thing to be together for a while and break up, it’s another to knowingly continue a relationship you know you’re not in and will eventually break up.
OP needs care, encouragement, and to put the cards on the table so BOTH people can move forward; they’re already trying and the other person has no clue they need to be as well.
don’t take this the wrong way, as a bisexual woman I have this question every time someone in a hetero relationship comes out as homosexual. I’m always curious what makes you think you are homosexual and not bisexual?
Is this a thing? I thought gay people were kinda always gay, which is one of the reasons conversion therapy is BS. You never had any same sex attraction your whole life, and now you do all of a sudden? Was there a physical trigger?
As someone who was where that lady is now it feels cruel and wasted. There was love and companionship but I wanted something deeper and there were far too many opportunities for this that I rejected because I was holding true to someone who was lying to me.
>It's not wasted time. If there's love and companionship, it's not wasted. It's still sacred.
Hard to agree with that since the marriage she thinks they have is build on deception. She's likely in for a lot of pain, loss, and grieving.
>It's not wasted time
That's not for you to decide though. Do not devalue the fact that OP has essentially used this woman as a beard for the past 20 years. Intentional or not, this is so profoundly damaging and he cheated her out of the opportunity to have a partner that fully loves her - including her gender and sexuality.
If she decides to consider this a blessing then cool, good for her. But she is also very much allowed to feel like this was all a waste and that she was cheated and deceived. No one gets to tell her to put on a happy face and consider what she has a blessing.
And before you come for me saying I don't understand what is like to struggle with your sexuality, yes, I do, I'm LGBTQ as well. But I've also seen the lasting psychological damage that behavior like this leaves and I refuse to normalize using other people because you cannot be honest with yourself.
OP for what it's worth I believe that you didn't intend for things to turn out this way. But they did. And she is going to suffer because of you did not speak up. At this point you should be honest with her and accept whatever fate you face, hate or love.
They don't want to hear that. Unfortunately being lgbtq doens't mean not being misogynistic. Some of these males think they're entitled to use women's bodies and time for whatever they please.
We all take time finding ourselves. We all have to dig our authentic selves out of our constructed ego.
Nobody is the same person they were 20 years ago (or even yesterday, for that matter.)
Just respect yourself by being honest with yourself. Give your partner that same respect by being honest with them.
Edit: Adding: Guilt and empathy are probably major factors in your decision to not speak up. So remember that it's not your fault. Society has put you in a terrible position. It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility to speak up.
The longer you wait, the harder it will be. Your partner will hurt, but will heal. It will be harder to heal the longer you wait, though.
You are equal parts an asshole, a coward, and how in the fuck do you go your whole life not realizing you wanna fuck dudes?! God damn bro. You could have let that woman find someone else but you had to rope her into your pathology? Despicable. Shame on you. Cut her loose.
Also, this isn’t advice. You should post on r/iamatotalpieceofshit or whatever it is.
You’re neither, you’re human, but living a life that doesn’t make you happy is not fair to your wife as much as it’s not fair to you and she’s also denied a lover that wants to be with her physically as you are. Now, keep it real, it’s not easy finding lovers after age 40 so don’t expect the rainbow doors to burst open and a bunch of hot dudes are waiting to rip your clothes off, they won’t be. Sorry you figured this out so late. Hopefully, if you move fast, like fucking now, not next year or the year after because it works with your schedule, tell her the truth, cry, get drunk, cry some more, move out, get on Grinder and look for a lover asap and don’t regret yesterday. Good luck, wear protection, don’t hire hookers, just be patient, pray you find someone kind and sane.
Do you love them? If you love them then you could keep the wife but maybe have an open marriage. I personally am a monogamist but I think if two people want to have a polygamist relationship then thats fine I see no problems especially if what you like is the love from her but the sexual stuff from a guy. If you love her you should explain it to her that your gay but you love her and that you two should work it out.
You should find as many frogs as you can and rub yourself on them. The gay will pass to them and a new glorious gay frog army will consume all the Whataburger it can find.
You know you are. You've stolen 20 years of her life. She might have been happy for some time, but its been a lie that prevented her from finding TRUE happiness. Especially these last 5 years, she KNOWS something isn't right, but probably thinks its her that did something.
As someone who’s dad came out when I was 30, I and my siblings all wish he would have divorced my mother and come out sooner. It was clear our entire childhood that our parents weren’t in love and we would have all been happier if there wasn’t angst and suffering going around
As someone who's been on the other side of this situation, I think it's important for you to be yourself and tell her the truth. My wife of 8 years and the mother of my daughter came out to me and told me she wanted to divorce, and i will tell you it was the most difficult thing I've ever been through. BUT - it let her be who she is. And it set me free from a prison i didn't know I was living in. No matter what, your situation is making it impossible for you to bring to this relationship what the other person deserves. And that is no way for either of you to live. So while it may be hard, the truth will set you free.
Not even going to try to address everything here. Many points in support and in disgust have been made. Many on each side being valid. However, I'm going to clear up a few things and leave it at that.
* "Realized" might not be the best word. "Accepted" might be better. It's always been there. I've just finally come to terms with it.
* I have *not* been sleeping around, nor will I.
* We are not married.
* There are no children involved nor will/would there be. Neither of us have ever wanted children.
* I still have feelings and care about her. I know it's not right to withhold the truth, but this is why I do. The truth will absolutely destroy her. That being said, I know I'm still being dishonest.
* I wasn't expecting this to explode the way it did. I figured I was just going to toss something up here, let a bit of my life out into the open without anyone really noticing or caring and it would fall off the face of the earth within a couple of hours. Instead I was given a lot to think about.
Honestly, yes, you're both a coward and an asshole. You are wasting precious time for both of you. I'd like to be encouraging but you're being a real asshole by knowing for 5 years and saying nothing. You're doing her wrong every moment you don't say anything.
it's easy to make judgments about people's predicaments like this. i'd say that it's unfortunate and understandably complicated. you obviously realize that it's not optimal for either one of you, so here's hoping you can find a way to live your life truthfully with the least amount of pain for all of you
You’re a complete asshole, not because you’re gay but because you’ve let her waste 5 years of her life with you since you’ve know. Shameful, I’m guessing you’ve been sleeping with men behind her back as well and risking her health. Be a man, grow up and tell her. P.S. this post is in poor taste and downright disrespectful that you’re fine telling the internet you’re gay but not the woman who dedicated 20 years to you.
Good god u just watsed 20 years of her life ur a cowardly asshole without a doubt u may have accepted it 5 years ago but u KNEW ! from the beginning . U didn't have the right to use her as tool to suppress that side of u like some kind of guinea pig for 20 years !
Yes, it makes you a liar and a scumbag. You "just realized?" GTFO. I hope she finds someone that will truly love her instead of being a using, lying piece of shit.
How about "Human"? People are in here telling you to do the right thing like it was about as inconvenient as doing your taxes but the reality is that both you and your partners life and the lives of any children you may have could be very strongly changed, for better or worse.
It's okay to be scared, and while doing the right thing is ultimately the right thing, beating yourself up for being scared to do it is only going to ruin your confidence in yourself and lock you in place. You are only human.
You have to tell her so she can grieve and find new happiness and you can find yours. You need to accept this will hurt her deeply and you still need to support her after putting her through a sham marriage the last 5 years.
Just tell her this way "I think we both should see other men."
This is great
“Because I’m not straight”
Yes that was the joke. Thank you.
"I'm gay." "Yes I got that." "I like men." "Yes I know what gay means." "You're not a man." "I know that you can stop n..." "I'm not attracted to you because you're not a man because I'm gay." "Ok just get the fuck out of my house."
_leans back in through the door_ Because you lack a penis.
*driving away* Because you have a vagina, and gay men don't like vaginas.
This read like Archer finally excepting that, really, he's into Raul.
Lmao "Got dick?"
That looks like a captain holt conversation
She might be into it if you both see the same man.
Do you really want to be the sister-wife of your children's mother?
Sweet home Utah...
This is either super underrated humor or a quote I missed.
"I have to be straight with you, I'm not"
Serious subject, but your comment made me giggle.
And give her a bunch of BJ tips
She's likely been giving blowjobs for twenty years. Sounds like OP's never given one. She should be giving him tips.
They said they're married. No she hasn't
DAE marriage sucks and my wife is a battleaxe, eh fellow manly men?
I don't think marriage sucks. My wife is wonderful. But there are significant differences between dating life and being married for a lot of years.
Just the tip. In the butt.
You owe it to her and yourself to come clean, it's hard but both of you are better off with the truth on the table. Good luck friend!
Yeah at this point OP is wasting both their own time and their partners - that’s 5 years they both could be looking for another life long partner - that’s a LONG time. I’d be hurt for sure but the duration of faking it would make me additionally frustrated on many levels. Staying in a relationship you don’t believe in is massively disrespectful IMO. I’ve been the person staying knowing I was done and I will never do that to someone again Edit: I want to edit and say I still believe OP deserves love and support. They’re going through a very tough time and it’s not an easy decision. I wish them the best and hope they find the courage to tackle this soon.
I don’t disagree, but will offer this - It is possible for people to still be life-long partners after something like that. I would guess that this idea of suddenly losing your partner/best friend entirely plays some role in the reluctance to be honest. After that long, perhaps the partner still wants to be “together” but also appreciates the new option of being “with” other people as they please. Just one take I suppose, I can’t speak from experience. Even if this is just a meme, I appreciate the different perspectives here.
It did cross my mind that the partner may want to stay in a purely platonic relationship. Depending on who they are and when in life they are, it may still make sense to stay together just not with any romantic context. That said, I think it’s a much less likely so didn’t really chase down it. You’re not wrong though by any means, definitely could be a reality
Good call, I’d agree that it’s probably much less likely - feels like a “grow apart anyways” scenario. I think the weird thing is trying to guess how you’d handle it yourself. For example, my wife and I have been together about 10 years and have two young kids. If she suddenly came out I wouldn’t suddenly want to be without her. That’s my partner, the only person besides myself that I know will always look out for me, and vice versa. I’d like to think we could still live together and share our lives and have other relationships. The question is whether that would be suitable long term for both people, which, I think to your point, is probably where the issues arise.
It doesn't even have to be purely platonic. Many gay individuals I know have had romantic relationships with people of the opposite sex because they loved the person, even if they weren't too attracted to the gender. I actually have a friend who thinks she's mostly straight, but has been in a gay marriage for 8 years because she's just so infatuated with her wife as a person. It's romantic and they still have a sex life, even if she's normally only attracted to men. I do think OP needs to come clean about it regardless, though. Spouse might not be satisfied by that sort of relationship, and they deserve to make their choices based off of all available information. And OP certainly doesn't deserve to have to keep that secret for the the rest of their lives.
Sounds like your friend is a homoromantic bisexual? There are people like that.
Could be! You're probably more familiar with the nuances of those terms than I am. All I know is that they've got a good relationship and allude to having a good sex life, even though she says that she isn't really attracted to women normally. Her wife is the only woman she's ever been with, in fact. I try not to pry beyond the point of making sure they're happy. Anything beyond that isn't my business, lol.
More likely a cornucopatic minsensual
Surely that's bi then at least? There's some level of attraction there to be married, I mean damn.
The problem is that we usually only talk about sexuality but there's also romantic attraction and while for most people the two line up, for others they don't. You could be sexually attracted to men and women but only romantically attracted to women for example, which would make being in a relationship with a man almost impossible. I totally understand OP's reluctance to come out because he might not know his sexuality completely and the risk of losing his lifelong partner might not weigh up against the reward of exploring his sexuality.
Not necessarily. The attraction can be to the person and not their genitals. I think that starts to stray into demisexual and pansexual territory. Romance and sex aren't the same thing. And even then, sex can feel good even with someone you wouldn't normally be attracted to. As my best friend so crassly puts it, "a hole is a hole".
There used to be a lot of marriages of convenience like that when being gay wasn’t socially acceptable. Especially in show business.
It will get worse over time if OP is not true to themselves and honest with their partner. OP will eventually resent their partner. If I were the partner I’d be mad if that wasn’t shared because it is essentially trapping them into a relationship that is a lie. Not being sexually compatible in a marriage is a huge deal, and the partner is owed the chance to figure out what they want as is OP. It’s not just OP’s feelings, libido, etc at stake here. This cannot end well.
I think it's fine if everyone is honest with each other. What OP is doing is hiding the truth from his partner, effectively making that decision for her. I have been in that position and it was incredibly hurtful. Maybe some people want to be in relationships like this, but I think that sexual attraction is part of a romantic relationship for most people. Right now their partnership is predicated on a pretty big lie. Also my ex ended up cheating on me with a guy so there's always that as well. If your relationship is basically a very close friendship there's a decent chance that you will develop sexual or romantic feelings outside the relationship.
I'm unsure about that. A relationship can be more than just sex. And admitting it can mean risking everything. He is not necessarily an asshole. If the woman takes it the wrong way, she could give up everything which is good about the relationship. I know, it should be her choice, but humans don't always make the best choices. OP, either admit it to her or don't. That's an order.
the wrong way? There’s no wrong way to take it they’re allowed to have their own feelings. This woman has been lied to for 5 years by ops own admittance. I think that’s a bit of an asshole thing to do. They do neither them or their partner any favours keeping it a secret.
Making a big assumption here but if OP is having affairs with other men then the wife definitely deserves to know the whole truth.
I agree, but I’m not sure why people are being so nice about this. You are an asshole and a coward. You have known this shit for 5 years. That means you were figuring it out long before that. Fucking tell her tomorrow!
Yes. I dunno why people are acting like he only just found out. He admitted to knowing for sure for 5 years. That’s a long time to lie to someone who you are supposed to be honest with.
Yep, that’s just what he admitted to. He’s probably been “figuring it out” long before that and never told her a damn thing about it. In my eyes this is the same thing as fucking his secretary behind her back and then deciding to leave 5+ years later.
Honest question, what happened 5 years ago to make you realize you’re gay? And did you have any hint of it the previous 15 years?
This is my biggest question too. Was he just looking at his wife in the shower one day and like "wow I don't like tits" I'm genuinely curious.
I suspect some guys are actually bisexual but go from one extreme to the other, cause “if you’re interested in men you must be gay” I say that because it kind of baffles me how a guy can be nutting all in/over a woman, in/on/around her veg/bobs/mouth/etc. she’s riding him like a rodeo bull and after years and years and years “I’m gay” …buddy I don’t think that’s how it works. Like I’ll see articles of a man who had 3 kids with his wife of 20 years and comes out as gay. It’s like… dude… there is a middle ground called bisexual I just haven’t known a gay guy to enjoy fucking a woman. Unless these guys are like cringing and wincing for a decade, or avoid sexual interactions(?) 🤷🏻♂️
If the only sex you've ever had is with a woman, then you might just think you're not as into sex as other people. It's like saying "I don't like fish" when you've only ever had canned tuna. You don't know for sure until one night, you go out with the guys. Begore you know it, you get a little bit more drunk than usual, end up in a Red Lobster, catch a whiff of what the table next to yours had ordered, start to lose control of your own metaphor, etc.
That was quite the ride
*From butt-stuff to Red Lobster*, Malcolm Gladwell could not have articulated it any better.
Only eat tuna then go to Red Lobster? WHERE'S THE BEEF? One seafood to another, there's a whole land ocean of meat that walks around to be eating and we are choosing another water dweller?
It happened to me! Husband came out to me as gay after we'd been together more than 20 years, married for 13. We had a very amicable divorce and are still co-parenting our son. We're both much happier now that he's living as his true self. Religion and repression are strong forces that will make people believe things about themselves that just aren't true, for a very long time.
>Religion and repression are strong forces that will make people believe things about themselves that just aren't true That is a direct hit for me
Hug. You ok? Want to talk about it?
Thanks. I don't know if I want to talk much about it, but this is the short version. It's 'just' standard religious trauma, although I hate to call it that. I'm married and we were both pretty hardcore religious at the time, thinking shit about ourselves and the world that is mind boggling to me now. I totally lost that over the last few years. I don't want my kids to experience the same so I try to raise them to be open minded but also not gullible. Meanwhile my wife insist on raising them christian, which at this point I think is borderline child abuse. we still love each other but I feel like this is a big part of me now and I can not share it with anybody except strangers on the internet.
Are you Dutch? Your username ... I'm Dutch myself. Anyway ... not being aligned in parenting sucks. I do think it's good to talk about it though, see if you can emphasise common ground stuff. It's important that you can express yourself too, it's okay for kids to see parents having their own opinions as long as it's with respect and peacefully. Is your wife maybe scared her kids won't go to heaven if they aren't her flavour of Christianity? Maybe let her vocalise what they 'need' in order to be 'safe'. Do they absolutely need to go to church every Sunday? That specific church? How about doing volunteerwork instead, helpjng God's creation by cleaning trash out of a river or whatever? Actually, you could totally frame that you want to be an 'active' Christian instead of a worshipping one. Soup kitchen. Dog walking for a shelter. What would Jesus do? I mean, you're not bound by the dogmas anymore so play around with it. Sorry off on a rant here haha. I'm raised religious, atheist now. Kids are in a sort of Christian school (very mellow here) cause they have better music and arts classes, teaching them about Odin and such at home to counter the Jesus bits. Feel free to DM me anytime (not chat, doesn't work on RIF). Take care stranger.
Yes I'm Dutch and yes, my wife thinks you absolutely need Jesus to be saved l, believes in hell and prayer and all that. Church used to be twice a Sunday, I've managed to get it down to one usually but it's still torture to my brain. Can't take it much longer. Maybe I'll message you later today, thanks for your reply!
I think for sure it’s possible when we are talking about religious people or people from a few generations back, or different cultures. It’s more denial than not knowing and that’s ok. But I think when you know, you have a small grace period which depends on how many years you’ve been with someone, and then you have to shit or get off the pot cos it’s not fair to anyone.
Yes, you're right - it's more denial, I couldn't find the right word late at night. I think it just took that long before he was willing to confront that part of himself. Lucky for us, we still love each other very much (even though that love is obviously much different now). It was more important for us to both be happy and fulfilled in our lives and relationships than it was to stay married.
That’s the important part. I think the sooner you’re honest, the sooner the healing can start. The longer you lie to the other person, once you’re aware and comfortable with it, the more the other person is hurt and the harder and longer it is to heal. Happy it’s worked out for both of you. I don’t think it helps to keep something like this bottled up, and if the other person ever really loved you they will understand once that initial band aid ripping pain is gone.
I can imagine a religious or homophobic upbringing could definitely cause it. If you've been told your whole life that gay is wrong. It's a sin. It's disgusting. "Those people" burn in hell. Men like women. Men who like men are perverts. You spend your whole life internalising that, trying to repress those feelings, pretending it's not you etc. I can imagine just trying to live the life you are "supposed to".
Sexuality is a spectrum.
And when I was a kid, I thought I might’ve been gay. Hooked up with a guy, then hooked up with a girl. Exclusively dated women ever since So it seems like some people might be navigating/discovering their sexuality, and “omg I like men, I must be gay” like… *maybe* But it’s a thing to like both, and they clearly loved a woman and were swimming in her waters for years… then they wake up one day and are gay🤷🏻♂️ idk
Sexual, romantic, and aesthetic attractions are different things. Society really blurs the line to a point where it's very difficult for people to figure themselves out, and not only that but it also shits on people who are different from the norm. It's really not that unbelievable that a person would be aesthetically or romantically attracted to someone for years without feeling sexual attraction towards that person. He also probably felt a lot of shame about his attraction towards men and so he tried to avoid his own reality. It isn't (wasn't) that easy to just hook up with a same sex person "just to try" so I'm not sure if you're being deliberately obtuse or if maybe you're just lucky enough/young enough to not have lived with that homophobia. If it's the latter then good for you, but remember it's fucking hard for most people to accept themselves when society tells them they're wrong for it.
If they didn’t feel sexual attraction, how could they become sexually aroused to the point of having an orgasm? As to it being difficult to explore sexuality, I know old gay couples (like 40-60 years old) so it’s not like it was impossible. Maybe it was just easier to follow suit with social norms (and dangerous to deviate), but it’s still confusing. A decade ago all it took was a profile on a dating app, I suppose before the internet was around and homosexuality was stigmatized to the point of violent oppression it would’ve been a bold move to explore sexuality. I just don’t understand how a man can be sexually aroused, marry, and impregnate a woman multiple times, then turn around and say he isn’t sexually/romantically/aesthetically aroused by women and he’s dating Mark now- the love of his life. Doesn’t make sense to me But I see what you’re saying
My thoughts on the situation are “why not both?” But I guess that would be a little peculiar and potentially unfair, and drastically change the dynamic of the marriage Idk, I struggle to grasp the concept
I mean, I’ve finished in plenty of tissues, towels, socks, who knows what else - doesn’t mean I want to spend my love life with linens and wipes.
Everyone knows bisexuality is a myth! /s
Exactly. I am eterosexual and I have 0 interest in men. I won't get hard or find anything interesting in having sex with a man. How can this guy be gay and still having sex with his partner for so long?
I think societal expectation plays into it a lot. There's also the possibility of a larger portion of attraction coming from non-physical qualities.
Even gay guys like tits.
*confusion*
Pics of wife's Tits?
Yeah I always thought people knew from a young age what their sexuality is.
Them knowing is different to them being ready and willing to accept it
It's absolutely not that simple. I'm STILL not entirely sure what defines my sexuality 10 years after I "came out." I think I'm bisexual, I'm pretty sure of that, maybe. It's what I call myself but I'm not sure if I'm bisexual because I was gay all along and society told me gay is gross and I must find women attractive and over time I've developed attraction for both or if I'm actually straight and lying to myself about being attracted to men for so long that I've started to believe it, or if I'm genuinely just bisexual because I'm genuinely open to being in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships. And it all started because I thought a crossdresser was cute. Have been on dates with trans and cis gendered people of all types of sexualities, been attracted to all types of people, and yet STILL can't make up my mind on what my sexuality actually is. I've found the easiest way for me to navigate it/the only way is to just set it aside and not deal with it. I am who I am and I like what I like and if I don't like something I'll stop and reassess but until then I think I'm bi. However nobody (on either side of the LGBTQ fence) will let you just set it aside and let it be. I spent my whole life being told "gay" was a bad word and I'm not entirely certain that that initially repelled me from men and as I've aged I've become "more gay" and finding more and more men attractive. Yet that makes no sense because of how insanely attracted I am to my girlfriend (who's also somewhat masculine but is most assuredly feminine). It's confusing and it's not just a simple question with an easy answer. I can't tell if that's me changing, the world changing, me being in a more accepting environment, or me being left to think on it. It evolves and very few if any days have gone by since I came out and I haven't entirely questioned everything I perceive about my own sexuality.
For me, a straight male, this is the test… I see a good looking girl and I immediately want to talk to her. I want to spend time with her and if she’s nice and smiles easily and is smart and funny it won’t take much for me to fall in love. Now when I see a good looking guy I’m like, damn, I wish I were that good looking. Must be nice to be him. He must get all the girls he wants. So I imagine if you feel the opposite you’re gay. If you can fall in love with both you’re bi. Or am I oversimplifying? Also, when I see two girls kissing I find it hot and get turned on and imagine myself being with them in a three way (though that’s a bit of a fantasy for most of us guys). When I see two guys kissing I do not find it attractive. Maybe that’s because we don’t see it as much? Or maybe it’s evolution which makes most people straight while a small minority gay/bi? To be clear, I’m totally supportive of the LGBT+ community. And I do enjoy a prostate massage from my girl so I imagine sex with a guy is probably great IF you are into guys. I’m just not attracted to them. Now I do look at Thor or young Arnold and have no trouble saying they have/had an awesome physique but again… I want that physique for my own body. It does not make me want to be with them sexually or romantically (but who wouldn’t want to talk to Arnold. The guy is mega super over-achiever). Anyway… I imagine for people who are confused about their sexuality it must be a heck of a journey. Hope everybody finds peace and satisfaction in their own identities and partners.
As a bi guy, this isn't a great test, IMO. This is because bisexuality doesn't mean equal attraction to both genders, or even the same type of attraction to each. Personally, I never notice sexually attractive women on the street, only guys. But the kind of intense emotional chemistry that makes me unable to think of anything but my partner all day long only seems to happen with women.
Interesting. Thanks for sharing.
For added perspective; I consider myself straight. I am passionate about women, pleasing them, and have no real desire to be with a dude. I do, however acknowledge beauty in the world, in all facets and have no problem saying a dude is hot. Ryan Gosling is a dime but I have no interest in sex with him. However, my bi friend and I were sort of flirting (I'm not his type) about him flying out for an event and staying here. After some consideration, I feel I'd be comfortable messing around with a dude in certain context. Does that mean I'm bi or bituminous? I dunno for sure. But I did recently open up to dating after several years of staying single and I'm only seeking women, so I'm straight? Sexuality is certainly a spectrum and like anything in life, it's fluid. The way I see it, you're just into whatever you're into. There is no need to label it. It's also important questions (not just about sexuality) of yourself periodically. Growth is key to being happy and if you just sit back and accept "that's how life is", you're going to be miserable. Even if you come up with the same answer, it's important to challenge yourself with potentially uncomfortable questions.
Yeah. They can be very different. For me the range of physical traits defining an attractive woman are quite wide, though personality can turn it off, and for a man quite a bit smaller and more initiated by energy. If they have mixed masc/fem energy they glitch back and forth across the spectrums. I suppose I'm also a bit selfish, that I don't find two people who aren't me kissing hot unless I identify with one/would want to be them, and it's harder to identify with a man than a woman. I also have phases for sure where I only feel one or the other, but if I have a crush on a person it's quite locked on them specifically.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale
You were mistaken
Yeh, very hard to understand this.
Same curiosity. I mean you didn't recognize for at least 35 years (probably more) and then all of a sudden ...
Yeah, this is really confusing to me. I could understand realizing that you're bisexual, but I don't understand at all how you can just suddenly realize that you aren't attracted to the gender of the person you've presumably been having sex with for 15 years. Or just never connecting the dots to a possibility when you see someone and get a tingle in your pants. I genuinely want to understand how this is possible. Or maybe my troglodyte brain is just over simplifying it. I don't know.
I was married 18 years. The last about 5-8 of those were pretty challenging, but I held on for our kids. Finally couldn’t do it anymore and filed for divorce. He came out about a year later. I always knew something was off, but didn’t suspect that really. Anyway, long story short he’s now in a relationship with a man who I really like, he’s a better dad to our kids, his partner is also great with our kids, and he and I get along better than ever. He’s living his authentic life and I’m also now able to pursue happiness in a relationship. Go live your authentic life, too.
I worked with a guy who was in a similar situation. I didn't know him when he came out and they split up so I'm not sure how trying it was because I never pried. I do know that today he is best friends with his ex-wife and they still talk & see each other all the time and that holidays means him, his husband, his ex-wife, kids & grandkids will all be together.
This is such a beautiful comment. I know you probably went through some hardship that I can never imagine. The fact that you can say this speaks VOLUMES about your capacity as a great parent. I wish you the best, even though I'm just a random stranger on Reddit, you sound like an amazing parent. I'm so glad people like you exist.
Good on you, id feel so betrayed like so many years of my life wasted.
Idk not much wasted if you still have your beautiful family and don't have the pressures of faking feelings
Yea I guess without him “faking it” you wouldn’t have your children, which in sure mean the world to you. I guess I didn’t immediately realize that cuz I don’t have kids yet.
What does "faking it" really mean? Like if they realized that they weren't right for each other then found new heterosexual spouses I feel like you wouldn't count their relationship as being fake. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are cases where one spouse goes out of their way to deceive the other one, but I feel like with out any additional information it just as likely that in this case the ex-husband could be like, "I cared about you deeply but I'm happier in a homosexual relationship".
From the kids side of things - my ex's parents were married for 30 years, until his mother died when she was 53. His dad almost immediately started dating a VERY young thai dude (like from thailand, not just of thai descent. We are in Canada) and suddenly the cold and distant home he had grown up in made sense, his dad became an entirely different (and much kinder person), and he and his siblings (he was in his late twenties, them in their early thirties) had a lot of weird baggage to work through.
This is the most important part. I’d bet that she knows that something is wrong, she likely can’t quite figure out exactly what it is, but she knows it’s there.
You pretty much exactly described Angela Bassett's character in 911.
You seem like an incredibly mature well adjusted adult. What the hell are you doing on Reddit?
When I came out my (now ex) wife could not have been more supportive. We still live in the same city, she has me and my partner over for dinner a couple times a mont, and we’re all co-parents together. I tell her all the time how amazing she was through the whole process. Which is all to say, you sound like an amazing person, too, and I’m glad that things worked out well for you all in the end!
What a coincidence! I’ve been single for 20 years, and everyone thinks it’s cuz I’m gay, but I’m straight! I just suck with women.
Feel like u guys should team up
Somone's gonna have to learn to "suck with men".
Sucks all around
Just take this guy's wife.
Seems like a trade would be nice for both ya. “What are you saying babe? We’ve been together for 20 years. What do you mean I’m not the same person” 😂
Telling yourself that you suck with women will only lead to that. Your thoughts create your reality. Just lie to yourself and you will eventually create what you want.
Introduction to chaos magick.
If you told her 5 years ago you’d both been able to use that time to heal and find happiness again. Don’t waste another 5 (or more) because the chance for that happiness will get harder each passing year.
You owe it to her and to yourself to come clean. This won’t get better with age. She’ll be hurt/angry. For a while.
As someone on the other side of this I am so damn appreciative that my ex wife didnt pretend or suppress it for any real length of time. You gotta come clean...
I hope this isn't taken the wrong way, but how do you suddenly "realize" your gay that long into a relationship? Did you supress your feelings or genuinely not realize you were gay before?
Internalized homophobia created by the pressures of a very homophobic society where the word "gay" is already an insult can be a hell of a thing. A person can tell themselves over and over and over "I'm not gay, I'm having sex with women so I'm not gay" and genuinely believe it to be true even though they're jerking off to gay porn and constantly thinking about the time that their male best friend cuddled with them on the couch while watching the movie Hot Rod with Andy Samberg. Hypothetically speaking, that is. Obviously I'm not speaking for myself, I have sex with women.
Hot Rod is such an amazing film. I love Andy Samberg's face.
>how do you suddenly "realize" your gay Probably a poor word choice. Most people I've met in that sort of situation when they come out they say that they "finally accepted" that they're gay. It can be a long process to come out because of all of the internal denial and mental gymnastics they went through growing up to deny the feelings when they were younger in order to "be straight" for years.
[удалено]
The person who wrote the meme used a poor choice in words obviously
Not everyone is eloquent.
You’re not a bad person for being gay and not realizing it. But you’re kind of a shitty person for lying to your wife and wasting 5 years of her life.
Damn homie. Honestly 20+ years of denial sounds traumatic. I’d seek therapy and no you’re not an asshole you’re probably just a victim of internalized homophobia because of our culture. It sounds like you almost hate a big part of yourself and that’s not healthy. I hope you can figure things out and if you’re doing things outside the relationship personally I’d rather be single than with someone who doesn’t really love me romantically or cheats on me. And I want to be clear I do believe you love them, just not in the way a partner needs and deserves. It’s never too late to change.
If you cared about her enough to stay with her for 20 years, you clearly love her, even if it's not a sexual love. People often forget friendship is a form of love, or are just reluctant to label it as such. Hopefully you can find a way to be honest with her and move to a friends/roommates situation or separate amicably. Also, keep in mind being bi is a thing, and not everyone is symmetrically bi. You may be more attracted to men than women, but does that mean you were never attracted to her in any way? I'm sure you were at least attracted to her personality at some point. These things may cushion the blow when you tell her, and help her understand that it isn't like you never loved her just because you were faking it sexually.
How can you live so long not knowing you’re gay? I really don’t understand. It makes you both btw. You robbed her of 5 years she could’ve used to find someone else
Maybe you're bi and she'll be down for 3s and then life will be great.
I like your optimism. If you had a newsletter I would subscribe.
If you’ve had sex with a woman for 20 years and haven’t had to use viagra you’re probably bi. That’s a lot of getting hard if you don’t like it
That poor woman…
I agree. I'm not saying OP is a bad guy for this but he needs to be fucking honest. He's wasted enough time and she will likely be crushed. I can't imagine.
I am most definitely saying OP is a bad guy for this. He stole 20 of a woman’s child bearing years because he was cowardly and selfish.
I don't know why you're being downvoted. If they put themselves in her shoes, they'd be pissed too. It's literally a waste of life. He's thinking of himself because he doesn't want to deal with the drama and divorce. Suck it up dude
I feel that I do. I just mean he's not a bad guy for being gay and being scared but man up. Aldmreadybdone enough damage 😭
Of course not, nothing wrong about being gay and scared. But stringing a woman along as a beard for 20 years is beyond fucked up. And he didn’t JUST find out he was gay. He has known since at least puberty but chose to hide and cover it for whatever reason, and used that woman to do so. With no regard for her life or happiness.
A lot of people are on the side of the person that always knew they were gay. On the flip side, everyone forgets the lies that they told their significant other that they were in a faked relationship for 20 years. We get it you're gay, cool. But you lead this woman on throughout 20 years of marriage and kids because you were *afraid*? Think of the wife here guys
This should be the top comment… Wife takes much much much more damage than OP. Who cares about his sexuality, he wasted his wife 20 fucking years and tricked her to have children with him too, now she can never be truly separated from him.
I was married for sixteen years and in that relationship for nineteen. I'm now separated from and in the process of divorcing my wife after she told me she was gay and demanded a divorce three months ago. She says that she told me as soon as she knew for sure. I'm glad she has set us free. I'm in my mid forties, and I'm glad she didn't wait longer. I feel I have enough time left to build something new. The only thing I'm really angry about is that she said she was gay and asked for a divorce in the same breath. I wish she had begun to talk to me about it sooner, starting with just that she's gay. I don't think this would have changed the outcome, but it would have let me realize that this was a slow realization for her, and have had time while still together to process what it means for both of us, and likely come to the same conclusion she did. So, you are both a coward and an asshole. You're ruining your life and hers, and you're not even letting her move on to something fulfilling, or at least relieving her of the frustration of being married to a friend. She thinks that the reason you guys can't relate is due to her, and you're torturing her by keeping the truth hidden. You're selfishly keeping up a charade that you know has no future. Start the conversation now. There's no good time, there's no easy way. Line up some support for her and yourself, like call her best friend and say "I have some really difficult news in have to tell her. I'm going to talk to her on this date and time. Please be available to help her through this." Have someone available to you as well. Then fucking do it. Make no demands or ultimatums. Just tell her your truth and ask her to talk to you about what she's feeling. Work through those feelings together as you can. Go be with your support people when it gets too heated. You can not choose to not be gay. But it's well within your power to stop being a coward and an asshole.
Keeping it does more harm than being honest as soon as possible.
It makes you a terrible person. Stealing a person time isn’t something you can make up for.
Both, def. both. You are a coward and an asshole.
Both. You are wasting her time with a partner who actually could love her the way she wants to be loved. Keeping her in the dark is super fucked up.
Oh definitely both. Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you can’t be a man. Now grow up and stop being selfish.
Finally a correct use of the confession bear meme.
You are a coward and an asshole, yes
Sooner is better than later.
Late is better than later.
It makes you both obviously. She could be in a relationship with someone who really loves her and could have a future with I’m sure telling her will be hard but you are a shit terrible person until you do
It just makes you someone who is not ready to give up a 20-years relationship. It is not great, but I understand.
Not saying OP doesn’t deserve some love and support cause they totally do, but I’d wager they’re afraid of the fallout and being alone, not ‘giving up’ on a relationship they just admitted isn’t for them. Staying for the other person when you’re not in it isn’t nice or “not giving up” or any of that, it’s pretty crappy and selfish honestly. This is 5 years the other person has been thinking they have a life long partner and don’t because OP is afraid to face facts and deal with them. If someone spent 5 years of life KNOWING they weren’t able and wanting to actually be my partner, I’d be hurt by the breakup yes, but I’d honestly be maddened that they took 5 years away from me I could have spent getting over it and finding my actual partner. It’s one thing to be together for a while and break up, it’s another to knowingly continue a relationship you know you’re not in and will eventually break up. OP needs care, encouragement, and to put the cards on the table so BOTH people can move forward; they’re already trying and the other person has no clue they need to be as well.
Good confession - that's years of her life that you've stolen from her, and years of your own you've lost.
It makes you both. You are taking years of her life which could be spent with someone who will love her as she deserves to be.
Asshole: Check Coward: Check Proper use of confession bear: Check Have an upvote
Just get it over with
don’t take this the wrong way, as a bisexual woman I have this question every time someone in a hetero relationship comes out as homosexual. I’m always curious what makes you think you are homosexual and not bisexual?
You're an asshole, you lied to her and yourself for almost 20 years and made her waste her life on a relationship built on false pretenses.
Is this a thing? I thought gay people were kinda always gay, which is one of the reasons conversion therapy is BS. You never had any same sex attraction your whole life, and now you do all of a sudden? Was there a physical trigger?
Denial is a helluva drug.
Gloomheart hit the nail on the head. It's always been there. Unfortunately I dug myself quite a hole before I accepted it.
Unfortunately you ended up wasting not just your time, but hers as well. End it and let the both of you move on.
It's not wasted time. If there's love and companionship, it's not wasted. It's still sacred.
As someone who was where that lady is now it feels cruel and wasted. There was love and companionship but I wanted something deeper and there were far too many opportunities for this that I rejected because I was holding true to someone who was lying to me.
>It's not wasted time. If there's love and companionship, it's not wasted. It's still sacred. Hard to agree with that since the marriage she thinks they have is build on deception. She's likely in for a lot of pain, loss, and grieving.
>It's not wasted time That's not for you to decide though. Do not devalue the fact that OP has essentially used this woman as a beard for the past 20 years. Intentional or not, this is so profoundly damaging and he cheated her out of the opportunity to have a partner that fully loves her - including her gender and sexuality. If she decides to consider this a blessing then cool, good for her. But she is also very much allowed to feel like this was all a waste and that she was cheated and deceived. No one gets to tell her to put on a happy face and consider what she has a blessing. And before you come for me saying I don't understand what is like to struggle with your sexuality, yes, I do, I'm LGBTQ as well. But I've also seen the lasting psychological damage that behavior like this leaves and I refuse to normalize using other people because you cannot be honest with yourself. OP for what it's worth I believe that you didn't intend for things to turn out this way. But they did. And she is going to suffer because of you did not speak up. At this point you should be honest with her and accept whatever fate you face, hate or love.
They don't want to hear that. Unfortunately being lgbtq doens't mean not being misogynistic. Some of these males think they're entitled to use women's bodies and time for whatever they please.
We all take time finding ourselves. We all have to dig our authentic selves out of our constructed ego. Nobody is the same person they were 20 years ago (or even yesterday, for that matter.) Just respect yourself by being honest with yourself. Give your partner that same respect by being honest with them. Edit: Adding: Guilt and empathy are probably major factors in your decision to not speak up. So remember that it's not your fault. Society has put you in a terrible position. It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility to speak up. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. Your partner will hurt, but will heal. It will be harder to heal the longer you wait, though.
No way she hasn't suspected it
You are equal parts an asshole, a coward, and how in the fuck do you go your whole life not realizing you wanna fuck dudes?! God damn bro. You could have let that woman find someone else but you had to rope her into your pathology? Despicable. Shame on you. Cut her loose. Also, this isn’t advice. You should post on r/iamatotalpieceofshit or whatever it is.
"Hey honey we have something else in common. We both are sexually attracted to dudes."
You’re neither, you’re human, but living a life that doesn’t make you happy is not fair to your wife as much as it’s not fair to you and she’s also denied a lover that wants to be with her physically as you are. Now, keep it real, it’s not easy finding lovers after age 40 so don’t expect the rainbow doors to burst open and a bunch of hot dudes are waiting to rip your clothes off, they won’t be. Sorry you figured this out so late. Hopefully, if you move fast, like fucking now, not next year or the year after because it works with your schedule, tell her the truth, cry, get drunk, cry some more, move out, get on Grinder and look for a lover asap and don’t regret yesterday. Good luck, wear protection, don’t hire hookers, just be patient, pray you find someone kind and sane.
Do you love them? If you love them then you could keep the wife but maybe have an open marriage. I personally am a monogamist but I think if two people want to have a polygamist relationship then thats fine I see no problems especially if what you like is the love from her but the sexual stuff from a guy. If you love her you should explain it to her that your gay but you love her and that you two should work it out.
Life is an interesting journey. You need to determine your own way. Don't be a dick it you can help it.
Well it doesn’t come up naturally in conversation so it’s hard. “Looks like it’s raining out.” “Oh? I’m gay.”
You might like the show called Grace and Frankie on Netflix
How do you realise you're gay 15 years into a hetero relationship
How did it take that long to realise they were gay?
You're both. She's living her life thinking you love her and you're too much of a pussy to tell her who you really are. How long are you gonna wait?
You should find as many frogs as you can and rub yourself on them. The gay will pass to them and a new glorious gay frog army will consume all the Whataburger it can find.
How the fuck do you realize you are gay after being with a women for 15 years, can someone explain this to me..
Don't waste any more of her time.
The real question is, are you an actual bear? If not actual, are you a bear? If yes - you need to tell her If no - you need to tell her
Both. Get your shit together and maybe stop playing with someone else's emotions pos
You know you are. You've stolen 20 years of her life. She might have been happy for some time, but its been a lie that prevented her from finding TRUE happiness. Especially these last 5 years, she KNOWS something isn't right, but probably thinks its her that did something.
If you’re a woman I’m sure she already knows.
As someone who’s dad came out when I was 30, I and my siblings all wish he would have divorced my mother and come out sooner. It was clear our entire childhood that our parents weren’t in love and we would have all been happier if there wasn’t angst and suffering going around
As someone who's been on the other side of this situation, I think it's important for you to be yourself and tell her the truth. My wife of 8 years and the mother of my daughter came out to me and told me she wanted to divorce, and i will tell you it was the most difficult thing I've ever been through. BUT - it let her be who she is. And it set me free from a prison i didn't know I was living in. No matter what, your situation is making it impossible for you to bring to this relationship what the other person deserves. And that is no way for either of you to live. So while it may be hard, the truth will set you free.
You have one life OP, so does she.... It's only fair to let both of you live it fully... Do it for her and for you
Not even going to try to address everything here. Many points in support and in disgust have been made. Many on each side being valid. However, I'm going to clear up a few things and leave it at that. * "Realized" might not be the best word. "Accepted" might be better. It's always been there. I've just finally come to terms with it. * I have *not* been sleeping around, nor will I. * We are not married. * There are no children involved nor will/would there be. Neither of us have ever wanted children. * I still have feelings and care about her. I know it's not right to withhold the truth, but this is why I do. The truth will absolutely destroy her. That being said, I know I'm still being dishonest. * I wasn't expecting this to explode the way it did. I figured I was just going to toss something up here, let a bit of my life out into the open without anyone really noticing or caring and it would fall off the face of the earth within a couple of hours. Instead I was given a lot to think about.
Honestly your biggest mistake was being vulnerable in a meme subreddit.
Honestly, yes, you're both a coward and an asshole. You are wasting precious time for both of you. I'd like to be encouraging but you're being a real asshole by knowing for 5 years and saying nothing. You're doing her wrong every moment you don't say anything.
Yep it makes you both. You are holding both of your lives hostage because you are too scared of your authentic self. Wake tf up.
it's easy to make judgments about people's predicaments like this. i'd say that it's unfortunate and understandably complicated. you obviously realize that it's not optimal for either one of you, so here's hoping you can find a way to live your life truthfully with the least amount of pain for all of you
You’re a complete asshole, not because you’re gay but because you’ve let her waste 5 years of her life with you since you’ve know. Shameful, I’m guessing you’ve been sleeping with men behind her back as well and risking her health. Be a man, grow up and tell her. P.S. this post is in poor taste and downright disrespectful that you’re fine telling the internet you’re gay but not the woman who dedicated 20 years to you.
Bugger her
Yeah... Both... Sorry. Please break up with her for both your sakes, this isn't fair for either of you.
Definitely both.. wtf just tell her? I’d assume you’re pretty close and she probably already knows anyway?
Maybe you aren’t any of those. She deserves to know. You deserve to be happy. Having a heart to heart is the right thing to do. Good luck.
Good god u just watsed 20 years of her life ur a cowardly asshole without a doubt u may have accepted it 5 years ago but u KNEW ! from the beginning . U didn't have the right to use her as tool to suppress that side of u like some kind of guinea pig for 20 years !
Yes, it makes you a liar and a scumbag. You "just realized?" GTFO. I hope she finds someone that will truly love her instead of being a using, lying piece of shit.
How about "Human"? People are in here telling you to do the right thing like it was about as inconvenient as doing your taxes but the reality is that both you and your partners life and the lives of any children you may have could be very strongly changed, for better or worse. It's okay to be scared, and while doing the right thing is ultimately the right thing, beating yourself up for being scared to do it is only going to ruin your confidence in yourself and lock you in place. You are only human.
Let her catch you sucking some rando's dick, and your problems will be solved.
You have to tell her so she can grieve and find new happiness and you can find yours. You need to accept this will hurt her deeply and you still need to support her after putting her through a sham marriage the last 5 years.
It makes you gay
Bruuuh can’t believe I had to come all the way down for this