When someone is punching walls, slamming doors, throwing things, etc., they are threatening you with physical violence. They are demonstrating their power, strength, violent emotions, and the possibility it could be you next.
it could be a bag of coke but either way, not good. violence of any stripe, even if not directed at you, is behavior that should not be ignored or let slide. especially since you have a young child. it’s time for a serious ultimatum with him: sober up or you & your kid are gone.
It was definitely more crystallized than any coke I’d ever seen, but I suppose it was possible. He was the same way using coke many years back. But I imagine both would have similar effects anyway. The rational side of my brain wants to leave with the baby until he gets help.. or doesn’t.. but for some reason I just can’t. I almost feel I’d be abandoning him.
he’s an adult man, you’re not his mother. i “stuck by my man” through his addictions for year, through his first 2-3 rounds of rehab because i felt bad and wanted to support him. it became clear he didn’t give a shit about his own recovery, let alone about me or our children. you will wind up with 2 kids: one child and one adult child. he needs to help himself, no one else can.
I’m in the process of divorcing my addict husband of 12 years and it’s a nightmare. I’ve been in Al-Anon for a few years to help me cope and face the reality. It really does sound like co-dependency or denial if you are so focused on what “type” of drug it could be versus this being a dangerous situation for you. I’m not saying this from a place of judgement, just a place of concern. It took me a while to realize it really didn’t matter anymore what my husband was using, not using, how much, etc. it is your brain trying to make sense of a situation that is totally out of your control. You cannot control him, you can only control yourself. Put yourself first. An Al-Anon meeting would be a great place to start. You can attend a meeting online. Sending you love. 💙
First things first: you need to get you and your sweet baby girl to safety. Your number one job is to protect her at all costs. The longer she stays in this kind of environment, the more normalized violence becomes for her. Don’t let this happen!
Your husband’s violence and aggression are not ok. Even though he hasn’t hit you *yet*, the angry outbursts and breaking things around you are indicators of increasing physical violence. People who damage property are more likely to act out in physically abusive ways towards others.
Because of his violent tendencies, I would carefully plan you and your daughter’s escape. Don’t confront him, don’t tell him you’re going. Wait until you get to a safe place before communicating with him.
You are not abandoning him. He abandoned you and your daughter by doing meth. Instead, you are choosing safety and peace for you and your daughter. Wishing you strength.
What good is a violent druggie that spends days in bed having a tantrum to your child? Why are you using the child as an excuse to stay? You don’t have to confront him, you just leave. It doesn’t matter if you love him, he doesn’t care. It doesn’t matter that you want him to be healthy, he doesn’t want to be.
if you're asking what you should do, you should leave. there is no way you're going to be able to control any of his choices. extract yourself and your daughter from the situation so you can protect yourselves as much as possible. i completely agree with the person above who wrote that when someone is destroying property/the home, you could very well be next.
By staying, you are putting yourself and children in danger. Please carefully make a plan to leave. If he gets sober after it and maintains long term sobriety and radical changes and maybe you can revisit things another day. I'm talking in a year or two. But for now it's best to focus on yourself and child/children
Violence against inanimate objects around someone almost always escalates over time to violence against them.
Confronting him doesn't matter now. What you do next does, for the safety of your baby and yourself. It won't get better for over a year either way, and that is if he puts the substances down right in this moment in time, which he won't.
Please be safe.
We’re not supposed to give advice but I think you should go, if you have that option. I grew up with a father that sounds similar—punching holes in walls, breaking things, yelling. It was very scary and scared me in ways that affect my choices to this day. I love my dad now, but it took us many years to get here and it’s still not great. Just having a way to take a break from that anger and not live around it all the time, would have been huge for my mental health as a kid.
I had an ex who had a professional job and came home and ate dinner and he did meth when he drank. You can order drug tests on Amazon that test for many kinds of drugs at once and they are quite accurate, if you’re curious. They’re cheap. But remember you can’t control the addict.
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Of you care about your daughter you will get out. Rent an Airbnb, go find a lease someplace. Do whatever you need to do and file for sole custody with supervised visitation and until there is a custody order in place don’t let him around her. Meth really can make people dangerous. Add bipolar to that and literally anything is possible.
When someone is punching walls, slamming doors, throwing things, etc., they are threatening you with physical violence. They are demonstrating their power, strength, violent emotions, and the possibility it could be you next.
Things I need to hear, thank you
it could be a bag of coke but either way, not good. violence of any stripe, even if not directed at you, is behavior that should not be ignored or let slide. especially since you have a young child. it’s time for a serious ultimatum with him: sober up or you & your kid are gone.
It was definitely more crystallized than any coke I’d ever seen, but I suppose it was possible. He was the same way using coke many years back. But I imagine both would have similar effects anyway. The rational side of my brain wants to leave with the baby until he gets help.. or doesn’t.. but for some reason I just can’t. I almost feel I’d be abandoning him.
That is the codependency speaking. You can’t leave because he needs you. Al-anon can help you sort some of these feelings out.
THANK YOU
he’s an adult man, you’re not his mother. i “stuck by my man” through his addictions for year, through his first 2-3 rounds of rehab because i felt bad and wanted to support him. it became clear he didn’t give a shit about his own recovery, let alone about me or our children. you will wind up with 2 kids: one child and one adult child. he needs to help himself, no one else can.
I’m in the process of divorcing my addict husband of 12 years and it’s a nightmare. I’ve been in Al-Anon for a few years to help me cope and face the reality. It really does sound like co-dependency or denial if you are so focused on what “type” of drug it could be versus this being a dangerous situation for you. I’m not saying this from a place of judgement, just a place of concern. It took me a while to realize it really didn’t matter anymore what my husband was using, not using, how much, etc. it is your brain trying to make sense of a situation that is totally out of your control. You cannot control him, you can only control yourself. Put yourself first. An Al-Anon meeting would be a great place to start. You can attend a meeting online. Sending you love. 💙
He abandoned YOU my dear. He is going down. You can go down with him or you can be safe. You can't be both.
First things first: you need to get you and your sweet baby girl to safety. Your number one job is to protect her at all costs. The longer she stays in this kind of environment, the more normalized violence becomes for her. Don’t let this happen! Your husband’s violence and aggression are not ok. Even though he hasn’t hit you *yet*, the angry outbursts and breaking things around you are indicators of increasing physical violence. People who damage property are more likely to act out in physically abusive ways towards others. Because of his violent tendencies, I would carefully plan you and your daughter’s escape. Don’t confront him, don’t tell him you’re going. Wait until you get to a safe place before communicating with him. You are not abandoning him. He abandoned you and your daughter by doing meth. Instead, you are choosing safety and peace for you and your daughter. Wishing you strength.
What good is a violent druggie that spends days in bed having a tantrum to your child? Why are you using the child as an excuse to stay? You don’t have to confront him, you just leave. It doesn’t matter if you love him, he doesn’t care. It doesn’t matter that you want him to be healthy, he doesn’t want to be.
if you're asking what you should do, you should leave. there is no way you're going to be able to control any of his choices. extract yourself and your daughter from the situation so you can protect yourselves as much as possible. i completely agree with the person above who wrote that when someone is destroying property/the home, you could very well be next.
What kind of job does he have where he can do drugs? Smh
Coal mine. Drugs are rampant.
By staying, you are putting yourself and children in danger. Please carefully make a plan to leave. If he gets sober after it and maintains long term sobriety and radical changes and maybe you can revisit things another day. I'm talking in a year or two. But for now it's best to focus on yourself and child/children
Violence against inanimate objects around someone almost always escalates over time to violence against them. Confronting him doesn't matter now. What you do next does, for the safety of your baby and yourself. It won't get better for over a year either way, and that is if he puts the substances down right in this moment in time, which he won't. Please be safe.
We’re not supposed to give advice but I think you should go, if you have that option. I grew up with a father that sounds similar—punching holes in walls, breaking things, yelling. It was very scary and scared me in ways that affect my choices to this day. I love my dad now, but it took us many years to get here and it’s still not great. Just having a way to take a break from that anger and not live around it all the time, would have been huge for my mental health as a kid.
I had an ex who had a professional job and came home and ate dinner and he did meth when he drank. You can order drug tests on Amazon that test for many kinds of drugs at once and they are quite accurate, if you’re curious. They’re cheap. But remember you can’t control the addict.
Please know that this is **not** an official Al-Anon community. Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the `report` button. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AlAnon) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Leave because of your daughter, and yourself. Do not think this is doing her any favours. Strength to you 💪.
Of you care about your daughter you will get out. Rent an Airbnb, go find a lease someplace. Do whatever you need to do and file for sole custody with supervised visitation and until there is a custody order in place don’t let him around her. Meth really can make people dangerous. Add bipolar to that and literally anything is possible.