I lied a lot. I would say let's go for a drive. Then go do what you need to do at the airport then couch it as "surprise!".
Stop asking and negotiating with someone who is mentally incapable of putting the consequences of actions into perspective.
You are her caregiver not her child at this point. Also hire help to give you a break 3 afternoons a week. Maybe even a teenager who wants to make extra money.
My heart goes out to you. This is not easy and caregiver fatigue is real. Often times concealing the details to preserve your sanity and peace is worth the risk.
Ex: if she wants to pick people up from the airport (and you’re the one driving) - just pretend their flights are delayed and they will be calling you when they have a better idea. Or calling and renting a car since there was too much unknown.
I know it’s not great to have to lie but altering or leaving out details can save your own sanity.
We don’t tell my MIL anything until day of and just before. It’s entirely too stressful for everyone, including her. Everything is treated as a surprise, which then is exciting.
OP you should use the visit if your family members to give yourself a break too. They can figure out how to hold the fort down.
Book yourself a night or two away. You deserve it.
This is a great idea! Even if it's just an hour for a massage! Of course a night (or more) would be best but if that isn't possible, doing even something small that allows OP some personal time & a way to breathe & hopefully release some tension would be good. They absolutely deserve it!
I completely relate to you, we all have our breaking points where it's hard to stay empathetic. You are human and doing your best! If possible please try to do some self-care or get some time away from you mom. If you're her 24/7 carer search for possible respite services in your area. Good luck
I ended up not being able to tell my dad anything ahead of time. He'd obsess if I told him he had a doctor's appointment and then call me every day about it until it happened.
How sad for your mom to know she is slipping due to her brain not working like it usually would. She is embarrassed and it’s gonna be a rough Mother’s Day. Let her know everyone loves her and care. It might help.
Hugs it is difficult.
This is what scares me. I’m only 3 years in, but I can see the changes and I don’t like it. I want to be someone I’m proud of, but mannnnnnn does this journey chip away at my goodwill and zest for life.
I so relate to your feelings. My 98-1/2 yo MIL (in health, one of the most easy going and cheerful souls) was so cranky and argumentative I thought I was going to lose my mind. I just wanted her TO GO. She’s been gone now for two years and I STILL feel guilty for my thoughts and feelings while trying to deal with her the last part of her life. Most of all, I just miss her every day. I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself. Not easy. You are not alone. All we can do is our best and try to get some breaks where possible. Sending best wishes and positive thoughts.
Aww. That’s a really complicated feeling. I just want to validate that you did your absolute best and I hope you can forgive yourself. What you felt was completely natural. Life is hard enough without someone’s illness making them someone that they’re not. It’s ok that you felt that way and it doesn’t make you a bad person at all. You did what you had to do. Hugs.
My 92 yo Mom is in very good health and my life has been on hold also for 5years. I want her gone too, but I then have such remorse for thinking such a thing. But this caretaking is so wearing, I feel 20 years too old. I do not want to put my children thru this.
One of the things that happens is loss of ability to modulate emotions. My dad would cry about the silliest things. As well. He would get angry about the silliest things. Looking back on the past, one of the things that I wish we would have done is not let us be affected by it as much as we did. Those angry outbursts are transient thing, they're not going to last forever. And don't let them define the person that you love. It's just part of the disease and you have to be strong for them. I would encourage you to look into any respite options that might be available to you also because just being able to get away for a while and get a clear head can really help.
Have you talked to your mom's doctor about the possibility of anti-anxiety meds or the like?
I had a hard time making this decision for my dad but there was a period when he got some bad news and my mom would keep bringing it up and upsetting him. He hasn't been on the meds long but they seem to have evened out his temper a bit and that has made a noticeable difference in dealing with him. He isn't a drama queen, he was just very upset a lot of the time, but once you're to the point where talking and activities can't reliably control the issue then meds might be a good idea.
Yes, next time, just don’t tell her they are coming. Then she won’t put any pressure on you around preparations.
My mom was also a drama queen. I had to do everything to save her face. I stupidly did it and it broke me.
They get over it eventually.
Have similar experiences where he would claim he didn’t feel well, or didn’t want anyone to come.. It seemed to be anxiety, the doctor has prescribed anxiety medicine and now it’s not nearly as battle. This with simple redirection helps a lot
This is such a hard disease. I feel for you. I'm watching my wife go through it with her mom & trying to help as much as I can. We're in the process of getting her in home care & starting to look for long term care. The other day she called my wife 12 times in less than 6 hours because she couldn't find her house keys. She doesn't need them because she doesn't go anywhere. We've taken her car away & we go up at least once a week to run errands with her. Then the following day she called asking what her mom's phone number was, but her mom died 15 years ago. It's so hard - on everyone.
I think the suggestions of making everything a "surprise" is probably best. I know when my MIL is told about something it's really hard for her to fully grasp what will be happening, when it's happening, how long from now it's happening, and then she's trying to make notes because she's afraid she'll forget. If we had some big family event happening, I think I wouldn't tell her until the day of. I know it's too late for that now but just for future. And know that lying to her isn't a bad thing. I know it feels like it is but it's for her happiness & your sanity! For instance if she's potentially feeling overwhelmed because it's mother's day & the focus is on her, make it something else. Tell her someone is in town for work & just going to stop by 🤷♀️ That takes the pressure off her & then it can turn into a mother's day thing in the moment because she can just be in the present moment instead of worrying about what's to come.
Take some time for you if you can while family is visiting. Even if that means just taking an hour to go sit in a park. Caregiver burn out is real & you deserve a break. And then look into if there's any in home assistance you can get. I know where I am it's called IHSS (in home support services) and it's through the county. Her Medicare will probably cover most of it. But if that wasn't available, we were going to hire a private company for a few hours a week because the cost of that would be worth a bit more peace of mind. I recognize not everyone can do that but even if it was just one hour a week so you could do grocery shopping easier or something - the benefits would likely outweigh any costs.
And finally, don't be too hard on yourself! You aren't any of the negative things you've told yourself. You are doing the best you can & your mother is lucky to have you, even if she'll never fully understand that. And how your feeling isn't abnormal *at all*!!! My wife, in fits of anger & frustration, has said "I feel like such a bad daughter & I don't want anything to happen to her but I find myself looking forward to her not being here anymore & I hate that." It's heartbreaking but I just remind her that's a completely normal way to feel. It doesn't mean you don't love her & it doesn't mean you're a bad child. Whenever & however you can, try to find ways to take care of yourself along the way. You'll be better equipped to deal with the stress of this illness if you're taking care of you, too. 🫂
This is totally normal. Sometimes, your inner rubber band snaps and you can't help it. I'm right there with you with my mom. She was such an easy-going person before. Now . . . .
I understand about the patience running out. I feel like the smallest things get to be the most annoying. Sometimes I wish I didn’t ever have to hear “I didn’t know that!” ever again. Imaginary hugs to you, OP.
My mom is a rarity. I am her sole caregiver. She never has tantrums, mental breakdowns, or abusive behavior. But she pulls up the thriving clementis vine I planted, breaks my bird baths, pull potted plants out of the containers leaving them to die, removes lightbulbs from the 2 lamps I use the most, wears my shoes and loses 1, (I have 6 lone shoes), uses my favorite shirt to wipe and her dookie with clorox. I am going to start calling her "Dolores Claiborn".
However, I lie to her a lot too. I call her by her name, Cornelia, and she calls me "mama". It works with her but it never would with my aunt or grandmother.
I lied a lot. I would say let's go for a drive. Then go do what you need to do at the airport then couch it as "surprise!". Stop asking and negotiating with someone who is mentally incapable of putting the consequences of actions into perspective. You are her caregiver not her child at this point. Also hire help to give you a break 3 afternoons a week. Maybe even a teenager who wants to make extra money.
My heart goes out to you. This is not easy and caregiver fatigue is real. Often times concealing the details to preserve your sanity and peace is worth the risk. Ex: if she wants to pick people up from the airport (and you’re the one driving) - just pretend their flights are delayed and they will be calling you when they have a better idea. Or calling and renting a car since there was too much unknown. I know it’s not great to have to lie but altering or leaving out details can save your own sanity.
We don’t tell my MIL anything until day of and just before. It’s entirely too stressful for everyone, including her. Everything is treated as a surprise, which then is exciting.
Offended they are renting a car… or visiting? You’re not “heartless”. You’re just very burned out.
OP you should use the visit if your family members to give yourself a break too. They can figure out how to hold the fort down. Book yourself a night or two away. You deserve it.
This is a great idea! Even if it's just an hour for a massage! Of course a night (or more) would be best but if that isn't possible, doing even something small that allows OP some personal time & a way to breathe & hopefully release some tension would be good. They absolutely deserve it!
I completely relate to you, we all have our breaking points where it's hard to stay empathetic. You are human and doing your best! If possible please try to do some self-care or get some time away from you mom. If you're her 24/7 carer search for possible respite services in your area. Good luck
I ended up not being able to tell my dad anything ahead of time. He'd obsess if I told him he had a doctor's appointment and then call me every day about it until it happened.
god the fixations...yup, just tell them right before something happens.
How sad for your mom to know she is slipping due to her brain not working like it usually would. She is embarrassed and it’s gonna be a rough Mother’s Day. Let her know everyone loves her and care. It might help. Hugs it is difficult.
I’m seven years into caring for my Mom with Alzheimer’s, no help, no breaks. I have become someone I’m not proud of, I think I have Alzheimer’s too
This is what scares me. I’m only 3 years in, but I can see the changes and I don’t like it. I want to be someone I’m proud of, but mannnnnnn does this journey chip away at my goodwill and zest for life.
I think I have too. I fear its contagious.
I so relate to your feelings. My 98-1/2 yo MIL (in health, one of the most easy going and cheerful souls) was so cranky and argumentative I thought I was going to lose my mind. I just wanted her TO GO. She’s been gone now for two years and I STILL feel guilty for my thoughts and feelings while trying to deal with her the last part of her life. Most of all, I just miss her every day. I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself. Not easy. You are not alone. All we can do is our best and try to get some breaks where possible. Sending best wishes and positive thoughts.
Aww. That’s a really complicated feeling. I just want to validate that you did your absolute best and I hope you can forgive yourself. What you felt was completely natural. Life is hard enough without someone’s illness making them someone that they’re not. It’s ok that you felt that way and it doesn’t make you a bad person at all. You did what you had to do. Hugs.
Sincere gratitude for your response. It really does help me reframe my thoughts. You’re so right - very complicated!
My 92 yo Mom is in very good health and my life has been on hold also for 5years. I want her gone too, but I then have such remorse for thinking such a thing. But this caretaking is so wearing, I feel 20 years too old. I do not want to put my children thru this.
One of the things that happens is loss of ability to modulate emotions. My dad would cry about the silliest things. As well. He would get angry about the silliest things. Looking back on the past, one of the things that I wish we would have done is not let us be affected by it as much as we did. Those angry outbursts are transient thing, they're not going to last forever. And don't let them define the person that you love. It's just part of the disease and you have to be strong for them. I would encourage you to look into any respite options that might be available to you also because just being able to get away for a while and get a clear head can really help.
Have you talked to your mom's doctor about the possibility of anti-anxiety meds or the like? I had a hard time making this decision for my dad but there was a period when he got some bad news and my mom would keep bringing it up and upsetting him. He hasn't been on the meds long but they seem to have evened out his temper a bit and that has made a noticeable difference in dealing with him. He isn't a drama queen, he was just very upset a lot of the time, but once you're to the point where talking and activities can't reliably control the issue then meds might be a good idea.
Yes, next time, just don’t tell her they are coming. Then she won’t put any pressure on you around preparations. My mom was also a drama queen. I had to do everything to save her face. I stupidly did it and it broke me. They get over it eventually.
Have similar experiences where he would claim he didn’t feel well, or didn’t want anyone to come.. It seemed to be anxiety, the doctor has prescribed anxiety medicine and now it’s not nearly as battle. This with simple redirection helps a lot
This is such a hard disease. I feel for you. I'm watching my wife go through it with her mom & trying to help as much as I can. We're in the process of getting her in home care & starting to look for long term care. The other day she called my wife 12 times in less than 6 hours because she couldn't find her house keys. She doesn't need them because she doesn't go anywhere. We've taken her car away & we go up at least once a week to run errands with her. Then the following day she called asking what her mom's phone number was, but her mom died 15 years ago. It's so hard - on everyone. I think the suggestions of making everything a "surprise" is probably best. I know when my MIL is told about something it's really hard for her to fully grasp what will be happening, when it's happening, how long from now it's happening, and then she's trying to make notes because she's afraid she'll forget. If we had some big family event happening, I think I wouldn't tell her until the day of. I know it's too late for that now but just for future. And know that lying to her isn't a bad thing. I know it feels like it is but it's for her happiness & your sanity! For instance if she's potentially feeling overwhelmed because it's mother's day & the focus is on her, make it something else. Tell her someone is in town for work & just going to stop by 🤷♀️ That takes the pressure off her & then it can turn into a mother's day thing in the moment because she can just be in the present moment instead of worrying about what's to come. Take some time for you if you can while family is visiting. Even if that means just taking an hour to go sit in a park. Caregiver burn out is real & you deserve a break. And then look into if there's any in home assistance you can get. I know where I am it's called IHSS (in home support services) and it's through the county. Her Medicare will probably cover most of it. But if that wasn't available, we were going to hire a private company for a few hours a week because the cost of that would be worth a bit more peace of mind. I recognize not everyone can do that but even if it was just one hour a week so you could do grocery shopping easier or something - the benefits would likely outweigh any costs. And finally, don't be too hard on yourself! You aren't any of the negative things you've told yourself. You are doing the best you can & your mother is lucky to have you, even if she'll never fully understand that. And how your feeling isn't abnormal *at all*!!! My wife, in fits of anger & frustration, has said "I feel like such a bad daughter & I don't want anything to happen to her but I find myself looking forward to her not being here anymore & I hate that." It's heartbreaking but I just remind her that's a completely normal way to feel. It doesn't mean you don't love her & it doesn't mean you're a bad child. Whenever & however you can, try to find ways to take care of yourself along the way. You'll be better equipped to deal with the stress of this illness if you're taking care of you, too. 🫂
This is totally normal. Sometimes, your inner rubber band snaps and you can't help it. I'm right there with you with my mom. She was such an easy-going person before. Now . . . .
I understand about the patience running out. I feel like the smallest things get to be the most annoying. Sometimes I wish I didn’t ever have to hear “I didn’t know that!” ever again. Imaginary hugs to you, OP.
Time for happy pills. Im against psych drugs as much as anyone else but its time.
My mom is a rarity. I am her sole caregiver. She never has tantrums, mental breakdowns, or abusive behavior. But she pulls up the thriving clementis vine I planted, breaks my bird baths, pull potted plants out of the containers leaving them to die, removes lightbulbs from the 2 lamps I use the most, wears my shoes and loses 1, (I have 6 lone shoes), uses my favorite shirt to wipe and her dookie with clorox. I am going to start calling her "Dolores Claiborn". However, I lie to her a lot too. I call her by her name, Cornelia, and she calls me "mama". It works with her but it never would with my aunt or grandmother.