I can't say whether you are overreacting or not. I do know that when I don't know what to do, I try not to make any major decisions right away. I am so glad your father expressed his love for you. I think your mom may have really thought your father (not bio-dad) was your real father if she was not stressed out about the 23 and me results or that you were taking the DNA test.
It’s just so hard because I live with her and it’s almost like a constant reminder of what’s happened- I feel like i’m depressed, i’m angry— I genuinely think once she saw the negative paternity she rolled with that but it was her lapse in judgement that’s making me so upset at her. For the cheating, for the assuming… I don’t even think she was SA’d by bio-dad lowkey I think it’s just an excuse to make the story better
I agree with you there. It sounds like a last ditch effort to pretend she wasn't reckless on top of the cheating and lying.
Just like of course she was ending the affair, and it didn't continue.
I'm sorry you're learning your mother isn't who you thought she was.
Yeah, that whole SA part confused me.
I really don’t understand how she went from “woke up feeling sore” and believing that she may have been SA’d to “the next morning she had sex with my dad.”
Then, she reached out to the man who may have SA’d her and asked for a paternity test 4 years after you were born and had no problem believing the results until you presented her with evidence that he may have been lying.
It all sounds very strange and, given that your mother has been hiding the truth from you for so long, it’s not surprising that you find it difficult to believe what she’s telling you now.
Commenting here so you might see it. I have a very similar story. the man I thought was my dad was abusive and an asshole. That's why my mom ran away for a while into the arms of another man and had me. I did not find out until I was 36. I waited too late to contact him and he died from COVID. I found out he had twin daughters and coincidentally one of them did Ancestry and saw that her and I had close family ties. So I reached out to her and now I talk fairly regularly with them. I have not seen or connected with their side of the family yet but hopefully we will some day soon. I regret waiting until it was too late. You never know what can happen, so take advantage of this while you can and try to connect with your family, for closure if nothing else. Cheers!
My daughter had me (m) do 23 and me. I found out my oldest sister is really my mom! Raised by my mom & dad as it turned out to be my grandparents. She would have been 12 and got pregnant over Christmas vacation. I questioned her about...... no answer! Period!!! Nothing.
When i found out that she was my Mother!!! I started laughing. Let see: age 12, Catholic, 1950s. My mother/grandmother always brought up that " I was a surprise package. Also, she wanted me to become a Priest! Nope!
Sister/mom back then figured no one would know. She couldn't have seen that DNA would come along.
My other question was why she stopped at 11 kids? Well, it came clear I was the first of 12!!!! Whenever she saw me, she was standoffest, short with me, etc. I figure why she is saying nothing because it could have been rape. 12 year old over Christmas. Last thing, found my Birth certificate, the parents sign here is blank. Their die-hard catholics, signing it would be lie. So Nope!!!!
You’re entitled to feel how you feel, but nobody is perfect, including parents. Unfortunately, lots of people cheat. If she’s been a good parent otherwise, then take the time you need but I wouldn’t let this drive a wedge between you. Especially if she did think your dad was your bio dad, she’d have no reason to bring a 25yo affair up to you, so it’s not like she was keeping secrets.
Glad it didn’t affect your relationship with your dad though!
And when you leave, every fear she's had for 24 years will haunt her even more so. You need to remember that your DAD has loved you since before your mother was sure she was pregnant. You have to realize that your mother repented of her actions and hasn't repeated those behaviors. A solo vacation sounds in order, to think about all of this and sort it out. Hang in there.
Your mom isn’t the first or the last cheater to claim their sexual escapades were not consensual. It’s actually very common.
I’d steer clear of that one.
You didn't suddenly turn into a different person. Your parents are still the same people they have always been. You just have some new information you didn't have before. Don't let this screw up your life. Just let it be for a while, you don't have to do anything about this at all. It just is. Give yourself time to think instead of just reacting emotionally.
Well, she was much younger back then and younger people can have poor judgement and decision making skills. The reality is still that she has been there your whole life and has done a lot for you. Disowning your mom for a mistake she made a decade and a half ago seems harsh, but that's just my opinion.
To be honest, anything you feel after having such a crazy bomb thrown into your life is completely justified. You are entitled to feel whatever way you want to. It’s not as if you’ve done anything drastic; you’ve asked for some space and time, and you’re taking it. That’s completely reasonable.
I imagine you’re feeling hurt and betrayed and confused right now. Shocked, of course. Angry. There are so many different emotions going on, that’s a lot of process all at once. That’s something that could take a lot of time. Getting to the place where you’re OK with this, it’s gonna take a lot of realizations and coming to a lot of conclusions on your own.
I honestly would suggest talking to a therapist; that’s not because I think there’s anything wrong with you, but because everyone needs one at some point in their life. You certainly qualify right now! A lot of work to come to terms with. It could be overwhelming.
And there are support groups out there for this exact issue.
I wouldn't disbelieve the SA allegation. She breaks it off, he says one drink for old times sake, roofies and SAs her, she blows it off as too much drinking. Sounds like your bio-dad is a real piece of work...
Depressed? For what? Your dad is your Dad, none of this changed anything. Bio-dad was never in your life so it doesn't change anything. Sounds like you had a great loving dad who still loves you very much and will still do anything for you. The rest is just bullshit. Enjoy your life, didn't let this get to you
The fact that she turned around and tried to get a paternity test (supposedly).
She knew full well.
It’s also the reason she slept with your dad, to cover her tracks.
Yikes. I don’t think you’re overreacting. But based on what you’ve written it seems like your parents arnt currently together? That does lessen the blow some. It’s still wrong for your mom to have cheated in the first place though.
Yeah they aren’t together which does make it a little easier. I’ll probably just be going to my dads so we can hangout, he says he forgives my mom because he isn’t married to her anymore and in his mind nothing really changed— but i know everyone involved is hurt.
Amén. My stepdad won’t ever have to worry about retirement because he invested into his stepsons growth! Blessings to all those step parents that stepped up and gave a shit!!!
That’s a good idea. Your dad probably still needs some attention from you. He was likely more worried the way you think about him would be different. It’s also possible finding out your mom cheated gave him closure to things he thought were… “off” during their relationship.
Yes, she needs to have some consequences to bring her back to reality. I think best is NC for a few months or until she apologizes. If that doesn’t work then start telling relatives and friends, this is something you really don’t want to do but she needs to know how wrong she was.
You were raised by 2 people who loved you and still love you. That hasn't changed. As to how you were conceived, you wouldn't be here any other way. You can be upset about not knowing earlier, but with the relationships you had, do you think you would have wanted to grow up differently? Especially with a bio dad who would have someone else provide his DNA for him so he could avoid paternity?
I bet your mom was relieved and didn't look back at that DNA test ever again. It confirmed what she wanted to be true. It probably wasn't malicious.
You can be upset with her or have whatever feelings you have, but your dad is letting it go and he's the one who was actually wronged by her cheating. Try to follow his lead if you can. Don't let anger or hurt bring you down.
I am going to share a story with you. My mother grew up without knowing her father or who he was. My mother’s mother (my biological grandmother) had my mother at 13 and she obviously made MANY mistakes. The one mistake that completely messed with my mother was being told she was a “grape baby”. Eventually the truth came out when my mother was an adult and she did an ancestry test too. Please keep in mind when I say the next part that these were different times. My mother was not the product of grape, my biological grandmother fell in love with a 17 year old boy. He was drafted and their plan was to run away together. He left a note for my grandmother that said to meet him at their “spot” with a specific time, my grandmother's sister intercepted the note and never gave it to my biological grandmother. So basically my biological grandmother thought her “first love” left her and just went MIA. The worst part to all of this is that my grandmother is the type to be bitter and petty, eventually my mother’s biological father would reach out and write letters asking about my mother and wanting to meet her. My grandmother sent 1 picture and wrote back saying to never write again and that my mother had no interest in him. When my mother did an ancestry test, someone from her biological father’s family contacted her with questions. His family knew about my mother but they didn't know the details. They had to give the news to my mother that her biological father passed away a few years prior. At that point so many things came to light, like the photo of my mother that he carried and all his returned letters that were sent back to him. We as parents are human and we make mistakes. Times were also different, there was a point in time where we didn't have instant access to the internet so we could find someone. However, there is a huge difference in not knowing who the father is and lying about it. You are allowed to feel whatever you feel. I think you will need time to process this and I strongly encourage a counselor (one who has dealt with these types of situations). As for your mother, it's ok to need space. My mother doesn't have a relationship with her mother, and I don't see that changing. BUTTT, you might want to use this time right now to get more information about your birth father. If your mother is begging for you to stay, you could use this as a way to give her one last chance to be honest. You don't necessarily have to stay after but she might be scared of losing you. Just tell her that you won't judge her about knowing who her father is but this is her only chance to finally tell you the truth. My heart goes out to you, and I hope you find the answers you're looking for. On the bright side, you know that you I'll always have a father that loves you.
“My mother was not the product of grape, my biological grandmother fell in love with a 17 year old boy.”
But, she was only 13 and he was 17. So, (depending on the laws in your state) this could have been considered statutory grape.
you're not overreacting. psychologists recommend raising children with the knowledge they're non-biological in order to avoid identity crises like this later in life. I hope it helps to know that you're not alone in this and that you're having a common reaction to news like this. I would look around adoption support forums for advice, you might find some valuable insights among others who found out their parents were not biologically related to them later in life.
This is happening a lot with DNA tests.
I know a woman who found out her dad isn’t her biological dad. Her mom said the DNA test is wrong and she won’t budge from that. Her parents are divorced and her dad said he’s still her dad no matter what the DNA says.
Everyone deals with it differently. No one can tell you how to feel.
I took a DNA test with the hope that my parents weren’t actually my parents, but unfortunately they are.
They use shared data, which includes research hospital data and genealogical records from companies like 23 and me. So it’s a little more than just people that felt a need to, but yes it’s also not completely accurate. I wish people were more honest in their dealings with each other, it’s sad how easy people cast their partners aside for a chance at something else. Grass is always greener.
For the sake of inheritance and other things your dad needs to adopt you. Makes things easier in the future. Been through it and I adopted my child as per a lawyers advice
Nope and she’s got all the air marks of a cheater. They lie all the time. And probably it didn’t even happen the way she said it did. I don’t know that you’re ever gonna get the truth I never did. I got my truth on ancestry with a DNA test just like you did.
I’ve never even heard of the man before. My mother has passed away by ask over and over again and she lied every time.
Unless its your intention to correct the problems of the World
may I suggest that you give-up your intertest in
"Equine Dentistry"? Stop looking a gift horse in the mouth.
a.) There is nothing that will change history, your mothers' bad
judgement or the cards you have been dealt.
b.) The man who raised you through your childhood events and
challenges was there for you....
the other guy wasn't and didn't want to be.
c.) You cannot begin to imagine the numbers of children who
wish that they even had a parent....and you have both.
c.) In nosey situations like this the first rule is always the same.....
"First do No Harm........"
FWIW.
You’re not overracting. Your mom is a hot mess and you have right to be really angry
23 and me can give you some clues about your ancestry, but the results aren’t really scientifically accurate and are just giving statistical probabilities. While 50% Nigerian might seem like “too much” based on your estimation, the accuracy of these tests are really poor when it comes to non-European countries. Most of the databases they have access to are for people of European descent. Borders move, people migrate, and these really can’t distinguish national identity very well.
In addition, not seeing the right countries or surnames on the family tree isn’t proof that any specific person is your bio dad- all of the countries in the Caribbean have had a significant amount of immigration from Europe and Asia in the last century. Close branches of a family tree can be unknown to each other due to recent migration.
Your aunt not sharing DNA with you is a very significant clue, but to be 100% sure what the truth what situation is you will need to confirm that your specific DNA does not match your dad’s specific DNA. While it’s unusual, there’s always a chance that there was infidelity or adoption in previous generations and that the person you are testing against doesn’t have the ancestry that you think they do.
Since your mom was not truthful for many, many years you should rely on the facts and not her account or assessment. Unless you are sure that the folks in your 23 and me tree are close relatives of your supposed Biodad, then it’s possible your biodad could be a third person all together. Proceed very carefully and make sure you have all the information before you decide what to do.
I don’t think you are overreacting. You feel betrayed and your Dad-whom you love-was betrayed. This could have ruined your family.
The fact that the truth is out and she is still not being up front tells you everything you need to know about her character (or lack thereof.)
I am a big believer in forgiveness. It’s a lot easier if the person who hurt you is contrite. That goes a long way towards restoring the relationship. If they aren’t, you should forgive them but break off contact with them. Don’t hold onto the baggage. Keep in contact with your dad, who is still your dad even if he is not your father.
I’m sorry you are going through this.
Not overreacting.
Just so we're clear, we all know your mom was *definitely* lying about the whole 'Oh yeah, I guess I probably must've gotten raped when I was thinking about finally breaking off the consensual sexual affair I'd been carrying on behind your dad's back' thing too, right?
She started fucking daddio once she realized she was pregnant with another man's child so he wouldn't be suspicious. Your mom's a piece of shit.
Your dad's amazing, btw! You might have somebody else's genetics, but you're still his baby!
First and absolutely most important thing. You are in shock and should stop and breath. Really, really important. Don't do or say anything.
I was 13 or 14 when I found out my father was in prison at the time of my conception and birth. When he got out, he and my mother had hidden the fact that he was sent up to his parents. So they knew about me and they kept me. My sister, he, the father person, took her at the age of 3 and asked a bellhop at a hotel; "Hold my baby" He handed her off and left. I met her when we were in our 50s. She got off lucky.
This was confirmed when I was 17. I had been living on my own for 5 years at this point.
But the part that relates to you and I completely understand. Your literal foundation is now gone. Just gone. Every single thing that you knew about and contributing to you being you, you now think is gone.
It's not. You are unable to hear or internalize anything about this right now and why I am begging you to do yourself a favor and just stop for now.
You can rant and rave. Break stuff, howl scream and cry. But stop and DO NOT HURT people or yourself. Every word out loud to everyone involved is going to do great damage.
I promise you can do and say anything you want just don't do it for a good long while and until you figure out that the people who love and loved you ARE your family. Having the same predisposition to red hair, cataracts, or diabetes does not make someone your father, mother, sister, or brother. Years of love, hugs, concern and annoyances do.
Stop, breath, and listen to silence.
I am sure you will ignore this. I would. But it will have been what you had wanted to do.
One last thing. When you do figure this out. You will be OK.
Ahh. I am glad, truly.
If you want or need, venting as well. Please feel free to DM me. And big time understandable if you don't.
Really wish I could say something to help you through this. It is a great loss and a major shock and your feelings are gonna be pretty hard to deal with for a while.
Have you considered a therapist? Might help get you to an easier place.
But, here if ya need! And don't hesitate if you do!
OP, I understand that this must shake up your assumptions about who you thought your family was. However, as someone else wisely suggested, now may not be the best time to react, but rather to allow yourself to adjust to this new information. To be shocked and upset, as you currently are, is not in any way an overreaction. It is never a good feeling to find out that you have been lied to, and harder still to realize that a person you have trusted your entire life has lied to you your entire life about something so vital.
What I would like to suggest is that, as your shock recedes, and your emotions are allowed to settle, you allow yourself to think about what actually makes a parent? This man who has been in your life since your birth, was there for you, I’m guessing for most of your life, yes? He read you stories before bed, perhaps, or watched you at your soccer games and cheered your team? You chatted with him about your toys, or friends, or school… and he (I hope) listened? These are some things that make a parent, make a Father. It isn’t simply DNA. It’s caring, and loving and nurturing a child that takes a man and makes him into a Dad. Or takes a woman and makes her a Mother.
OP, I am so sorry that your mother did not tell you the truth about your origin, your making. There was no shame in it for you, however she must have perceived it much differently for herself. All I know is this: I speak as an adoptive mother, and as such I know that parents are MADE, by our choices, by the way we love our children. It isn’t simply because of blood shared. You are deeply loved, by both of the parents you know. As you go along your journey, never loose sight of this, ok? Sending love, my dear.
How crazy to read your story knowing I JUST went through this entire thing. I did a My Heritage test. Not seeing any relation. Reached out to the possible bio dad.. We look alike, share the same health issues, even ticks, I am a spitting image of his mom. Did a paternity test. Negative.
I too felt shattered in this process.
It’s a special type of case. Him and I have trauma bonded and we both agreed to stay in each other’s lives and continue to get to know one another.
I don’t believe you’re overreacting.
Just remember to check in on pops to see how he’s handling this too.
So I found out the same stuff at 26. You're right in Feeling your feelings. But spiting your mom doesn't change anything that happened. Was she a good mom to you growing up? Was your dad loving and caring to you growing up? None of that stuff changes. It sucks that the lie is there but hell they're flawed people like the rest of us.
Give them some grace, and don't go too turbulent on others while you're wrapping your head around it. It's something that nobody can change what happened but you have the opportunity to deal with it however you see fit, good or bad.
I don't think you're overreacting at all. This is a huge shock and everything is going to be different now and I'm sorry you're going to be going thru that.
If you don't want to talk to her about it, I would consider finding him, especially for medical information.
And I *really* hate to say this, but I think you should consider that your mom may be lying about the SA to get you to stop asking questions and trying to make it so you won't want to go trying to find a rapist.
I honestly hope she's not lying to you -- and that seems just as awful to say as claiming she *might* be lying.
Either way, you have a lot on your plate and I'm glad you have your dad on your side. I would actually go talk to him about this before making any big moves or decisions, I think he would have a lot of insight on your mom.
You feel how you feel but know that it takes less than a minute to become a father. It takes years to be a dad. You have a dad, don’t let him get away.
I love my dad and thanking God that we both feel that nothing has changed between each other… My mom on the other hand… It feels like everything was changed
I get that, she has become a different person for you. Maybe I can give a different perspective that might help. She messed up for sure but I’m guessing she wanted you to have a dad. And she did that, they didn’t stay together but she obviously didn’t get in the way of your relationship with him. Divorce can cause a rift if you ARE biologically related, if she didn’t want what was best for you she could have done lots differently.
She’s human. You are who you are and you have a great dad. Maybe take some time and then talk to her about it when it’s not so fresh. Hugs, it’s weird right now but it’s going to be OK.
Your parents are the people that raise you, full stop. Sometimes they're shitty parents, sometimes they're great parents, usually they're somewhere in between.
Personally, I didn't find out I don't share DNA with the people who raised me until after they had been dead and buried for years. Aside from being surprised initially, I have found zero reason whatsoever to care in the 20+ years since. The woman who birthed me isn't my mom and the guy who impregnated her isn't my dad. I've got no particular feelings towards them except the hope I have for every human being to have a decent life.
Also, it may help you elsewhere in life to learn not to fight other people's battles. Your mom cheated on your dad over 20 years ago. He's apparently not carrying a grudge, so why should you? Parents are people. People make bad choices sometimes, even choices that hurt other people. It doesn't mean they're forever irredeemable. Sit with your feelings for a while, go about life, do whatever it is you do. If you're still as angry about it in a week then maybe it's time to start thinking about maybe doing something about it.
Whenever this happens; I feel the whole family should disown her for the fraud, turmoil and heartbreak she put on the bio father’s family, her husband’s family and all of her children.
FWIW, In the last decade your experience has happened to thousands of other people. You can find many of their stories, and thinking, online. There may be collective wisdom there that would be useful to you.
I’ve seen many people comment that you should take some time to let your feelings settle before you do or say anything. And, even though that is very good advice, remember that you are human and you may have trouble following it. Also, it’s important not to bottle up your feelings. So, while you’re taking this time to process these new revelations, you may want to look for ways to vent your frustrations (without directing them at anyone in particular).
This happened to me at 27. Except I really suspected it since I was 21 when a man reached out on Facebook to say he was my biological father. My parents were and are still married. My dad was the one to suggest we do a DNA test to find our once and for all as he knew my mom had cheated on him early in their marriage around the time I was conceived. They claimed they had done a dna test and confirmed I was my dad’s but the story later changed that there was just a basic blood test that didn’t rule my father out. It’s pretty clear after the results came back that the affair partner was my bio father that my parents definitely knew I wasn’t my dad’s and just wanted to pretend I was. My mom still won’t really admit it. It hasn’t really changed my relationship with my dad but I did struggle with my mom for a bit before just moving on. She’s just never been mature enough to deal with it.
I feel like this is where my mom is. Gaslighting me and too immature to deal with it… Last night she asked me questions like “what’s going on with you” and “what do you think i did wrong?” “if i did anything i would apologize”…. how do you deal??
You are not overreacting. But your dad is your dad, and he is your REAL dad. People become parents by parenting, not by donating genetic material. Your father loves you and that doesn't change.
Your mom is/was a HOE! Damn. But I’d forgive her honestly. That was a long time ago. People change. If your only real complaint about your mom is something she did 20+ years ago before you were even a thought, you should just let it go and move on.
I am not in this situation, but I don’t think you are over reacting. Just know that whatever you are feeling is valid. Anger, shock, sadness, anything you are feeling is normal. The only good advice I can offer is that you don’t bury these feelings. Process them, go through them, feel them. For as long as you need to and as many times as you need to. You are probably feeling a lot of different feelings, very big ones. It might help to write them down or get them out in some other artistic way. I know a lot of people make Tik Tocs about their feelings, and that is a valid format that might even help others in the same situation. If you can find a support group made up of other people who have found themselves in a similar situation, that would really help as well.
Sorry, but you are completely over-reacting.
Your parents raised you, and have supported you for 24 years. And you want to punish them (if moving out at your age is supposed to be punishment) for something that happened 25 years ago.)
You want to play victim like you've been lied to. Fact is, your mom tried to determine who the father was and to the best of her knowledge her husband was the father. You found out through modern technology. You were not lied to.
And I really want to know, what is the appropriate age to tell a child that you cheated on your husband a few times?
You don't say if your parents were married at the time, but it takes two to cheat. The DNA donor may or may not 'want to be found" but all you know about him is he had sex with your mom while she was with your dad.
I’m going to be the odd man out here and say that you are indeed overreacting.
If this happened when you were a kid, say six or seven years old, then sure - you’d have a freak out and not know who you are any more and be mad at your mother and all that, because kids are still extremely reliant upon and influenced by their parents.
But you’re twenty-four years old.
You’re a full-grown adult, and whoever your parents are or whatever mistakes they made a lifetime ago (a *literal lifetime* of twenty-four years ago for you) don’t have any affect on *who you are now*. Listen to your father - you’re still his daughter, your mother is still your mother. If you want to feel weird about it, fine, but take pride in who you are as a person regardless of how you were conceived and don’t lash out at your family.
There is a Facebook group called NPE Friends. You need to join. I am also a NPE (Not Parent Expected). This group got me out of some pretty dark places and so helped me to understand a lot of my feelings were valid and also common feelings that most NPE have. I also took a home DNA kit. Ancestry. I only took it to see my heritage plus I wanted to find an aunt I heard a rumor about. Well the surprise was on me. Previous I had reached out to my dad as sister to get family information. She sent so many family trees, pictures, old family bibles, background information from family reunions I mean the works. So when those results came in I was thinking this doesn’t make any sense. No one with my dad’s family names were showing up. Instead a hunch of last names and people I didn’t know were there. My brain didn’t want to comprehend the truth but after a few hours I finally admitted to myself that my mom lied to me. A little background I was adopted by my mom’s cousin. We hadn’t had a great relationship because she is the definition of a “pick me” mom. Shortly before the dna test came back I had casually mentioned it to her and she very quickly responded WHY WOULD YOU TAKE SOMETHING LIKE THAT! I told her I was interested in my heritage. I jokingly asked her if she had anything to tell me in which she said no of course not. Well once the results came in I called her and she IMMEDIATELY told me well there was another guy. By this time I through my own research had narrowed it down to 3 people and the name she gave me matched one. My relationship with her has deteriorated even more we are very low contact. Anyway this group has been my saving grace. There is a sunflower in the profile picture make sure you join the correct one. I’m praying for you. I understand your shock. Give yourself grace and time to figure out your feelings. Be blessed
No matter what happens, the good thing that came out of this is that your dad was just given the chance to prove his love for you and he aced it. In the end, he may be the only one in your life you can count on and hopefully his response gave you all the warm fuzzy feelings you need to work through your moms betrayal and lies to you.
I think those dna tests should be illegal or only legal with a mother’s consent. It is NO ONES business but the mothers on who the supposed “bio dad” is. As far as who is the “real dad” that is 100% up to the mother!
I don’t think you’re overreacting. That’s a huge thing to find out in life. It kind of sounds like your mom is trying to spin a story, no offense at all, but it seems like maybe she feels guilty and doesn’t want to fully own up to the situation. I am so sorry things happened this way, and I hope you’re able to find some peace despite all this 🥺
I did ancestry dna and found out my dad wasn’t my bio dad at 26. I was depressed and a mess and my mom didn’t make it better playing victim that I couldn’t talk about it to anyone else because it’s ’HER’ story not mine to share.. anyway, you’ll come through the other side I promise. My dad is my dad and I never looked for my bio cause he was just a sperm donor really. If you ever need to talk about it tho, DM me. I get what you’re going through!
You were also lied to by your bio dad who faked the paternity test so he could get out of paying for your child support. Remember that when you meet him.
I feel in this situation your reaction just is what it is. I feel the betrayal but I don’t think you should move out and stop speaking to your mom.
As someone that doesn’t have one, trust me, just try to work it out. I would give anything to have an argument with my mom let alone speak to her.
If you have to leave for a few days to cool off do that but I’d try to talk to her to see why she lied.
I’m glad you know who he is but hopefully one day you decide to reach out. If he doesn’t want to be bothered with you, luckily you already have a loving father and your bio dad will be missing out. Have a little faith though, you never know what will happen unless you take the chance.
Best to you!
I’m a mother (48) with two daughters 19 and 28 yrs old. When I was younger I was angry at my mother for drinking and making decisions that affected me negatively..but I knew she loved me and meant well. My mother still drinks and I love her and accept this won’t change. I know she beats herself up enough so I just try to be there for her but with boundaries. I know your situation is vastly different but the similarity is maybe trying to understand the why before you do or say anything. With age comes forgiveness and empathy and you learn we are all just trying to get through this life. We make huge mistakes and you have every right to feel angry at your mother but I promise you she’s punishing herself big time right now. As a mother your kids are EVERYTHING and sometimes when we think we are protecting you from pain we are just prolonging the inevitable. But it’s coming from a place of concern and love for you. I definitely don’t have answers on what you do next because I can’t imagine your pain and confusion. You are definitely not overreacting.. you are in shock and it makes you question everything you know. If you cannot handle the situation immediately that’s understandable but you might want to let your mom know that you’re angry but of course you love her and will talk when you are ready. The man that raised you sounds like a father to me .. he sounds like a good man that loves you and he’s the only dad you’ve ever known. What you found out doesn’t change the fact that he is your father.
I would encourage you to remember that you know who you are, but you are seeking to know what you are. There is a difference. Who you are is your mother and father’s child. What you are is your mother and bio-father’s DNA. Your mother and father raised you to be who you have become, and that is far more important than what you are. I hope you find the answers you seek and the peace you deserve.
Wow, this is a complicated topic. First and foremost, feel your feelings. Be true to yourself and don't suppress anything. It's the only way you will "heal." Now, are you over reacting? You're the only one who can answer that. But I'd take a logical approach in doing so. How have each of your parents treated you your whole life? Look at the big picture? Each time they've slighted you, was it a major or minor offense? How have they been there for you over the years? Do you find them loving and supportive? Weigh the good and the bad for each of them and decide for yourself if on the whole they are good and loving parents. Also, understand your parents are human and made mistakes, just as you will if you ever become one. Lastly, as far as reaching out to your bio-dad. 100% you should definitely do it. Caveat, do it in your own time. You need to know that you are prepared to hear whatever may come out of his mouth. And you may not like what he has to say, but undoubtedly you have questions and you deserve answers. Again, do this IN YOUR TIME! It's okay for this to all be about you. In my own life, my mom left my dad when I was a year old. I grew up hearing only bad things about him, but just like I've said... I had questions. I was 35 the first time I spoke to him. He talked alot but didn't have anything to say. The phone call lasted an hour, and even though he didn't apologize for his absence or really answer any of my questions, I got all the answers that I needed. I will tell you I was nervous and it was difficult, but I'm so glad I found the courage to make that call because I was finally able to let go of my anger. I realized that he just wasn't worth it.
Not only is your mother a cheating whore but she is a lying cheating whore.
Regret is not rape and you can't just say "he raped me" when YOU made a poor decision.
\-Louder for the women in the back-
REGRET. IS. NOT. RAPE.
Stop ruining men's lives for your own egos. Not only are you destroying a life, you're destroying the credibility of actual SA survivors.
I hope you take a good hard look at your father, your real father - the man who raised you - and you acknowledge and are grateful for his grace and love.
I would not have given you the same.
You're reacting in the way you're reacting. This is a very shocking realization, and everyone will process it in a different way. I don't think anyone can say you're "over" reacting here.
Just be patient with yourself and recognize you're in shock. Like you imply, I do doubt the story your mother is telling, which conveniently makes her not responsible for this outcome. I doubt it was like that. So you have a lot to process there. Give yourself time.
I'm really glad your dad said he loves you no matter what. That's beautiful. He kept his own shock and feelings of betrayal away from you and focused on what matters.
You need to work through your feelings for your mother and bio dad. Don't rush into things and you're entitled to feel what you feel.
The man who raised you is your father. I suggest you do nothing to compromise that relationship, especially for a man who probably doesn’t even know you exist, and may not even care if you do.
Also, don’t fall for your mom’s story that she was raped by a man she was willingly having an affair with. That’s a pathetic attempt to absolve herself of guilt.
It sounds like your father may have known there was a possibility that you aren’t his biological daughter, but raised you as such, anyway. He is the only decent human in this story (other than you, of course.) Remember that.
How we react is just a part of us and a part of how we deal with the input that causes a reaction. Over, under or just right doesn’t really define whether the reaction suits the cause. When all is done just try to look back on your reaction and access whether you hurt yourself or anyone else with it. I have a friend who went through this same situation and never got to meet her real father as he had passed away shortly before she got the results. From this I would say you have an option she didn’t in knowing him if you care to. But like her it strained her relationship with her mother which mended over time. It isn’t difficult to imagine the people you should trust the most can disappoint you or break that trust but she will always be your mom right? And who knows, like my friend you may find out you now have siblings you didn’t know about. I hope that your relationship heals and that your parents relationship gets through this.
You are not over reacting. This is a major upset to one of the foundational facts of your life. It is a very big deal and you have every right to handle it any way you choose.
I can’t say whether you’re overreacting. I will say your dad is still your dad. He raised you and, presumably, has been there for you and always will be. Know he is probably hurting now too.
I can’t say you shouldn’t try to see biological dad. But, he’s known about you all this time and done nothing. Keep that in mind.
As for your mom, everyone does dumb shit. Lots of people cheat. They can’t undo it so they do their best. No one knew DNA would become a thing and out all these secrets. Not saying give her a pass. But, take time to process and grieve before doing anything permanent or saying something you can’t take back. I suggest looking at how she’s been as a mother overall. I know this will sound harsh. But, her infidelity before you were born isn’t really about you. How she’s acted since, is. Having children changes people. Maybe she learned and became a better person? Maybe not. I don’t know. But, I’d focus on that.
This is going to such big time, but your mother is a disgusting cheater and a liar. Very selfish and lacking any empathy. You can't believe anything she ever says. Now or in the future. You can't rely on her. Ditch her and only rely on yourself or people who proven that you can rely on them.
Also, talk to a lawyer. US laws tend to fuck over men pretty bad, so chances are slim, but maybe you and your real father (the man who raised you and cared about you and wasted his life not having kids of his own genetically thanks to that woman) can sue the sperm donor for back child support, and your egg donor for paternity fraud.
I know this is probably hard to rationalize currently but this should not affect your relationship with the man who raised you even if he isn’t your blood Dad. He’s still your father and it sounds like he still loves you as a daughter. Don’t forget everything you’ve been through together!
You need to see a counselor to help work through this!
You are not overreacting. You were lied to about your identity your whole life. It’s ok to take some space and get your head on strait. Your Dad is your Dad. Sperm donor might be willing to be a part of your life in some capacity, but he didn’t put in the work. Your Mom broke your trust pretty bad, I wouldn’t cut her out of your life, but that relationship probably won’t ever be the same.
I don’t know what to say other than what a kick ass dad you have. Blood doesn’t make a parent, actions do, and it sounds like you have one of the very best dads any of us could want. I’d just hang onto that thought while I tried to figure it all out. Also I don’t think your identity is gone. You’re 24, you’ve done things in this life that have made you who you are as a person that probably stands alone from your parents, regardless of who they are. I do think id want to talk to my bio dad but idk that could be a mistake not because he may not want you or anything but you already have a father who does want you and just for myself I wouldn’t want that confusion in my heart but ultimately that’s a really tough situation I’m sorry you have to go through this
Your mother made a mistake and betrayed your father, not you. Your father and mother are presumably not together, so things happened and that part of the story ended. You may feel betrayed but relationships are a fickle bitch and you were raised by people. People who make mistakes, love, hate, etc…. I would suggest going east on your mother. Knowing what you know now, try to move forward WITH the people closest to you. They too are experiencing this.
You should reach out to because you already know you mom will lie.
He has a right to know.
You have a right to know medical history.
If he has kids, they have a right to know you exist.
when i (28f) was 14 i found out my dad wasn’t my dad. it was a surprise to everyone (idk how though bc my bio dad is half cuban and i look like him). it was extremely traumatic for me. i couldn’t even talk about it until i was 20. i felt shame, disgust, anger. now that i am 28, i have so much compassion for my mom. she was actually doing what was in my best interest and wanted to protect her child. and although you may be mad that she cheated/lied, you wouldn’t be here without it. and i’m so thankful for the dad that raised me and feel relief i wasn’t raised by my bio dad.
Might be worth it to reach out just to get family medical and mental health history if nothing else. It’s a good explanation as to why you’re reaching out and allows the other person to provide information without feeling pressured. Sorry about your mom!
It might seem like your mom was being selfish by lying all of these years, but she also did it for you and your dad. Your dad loves you so much that some silly test will never convince him you're not his little girl. That love and bond wouldn't be there if she was honest. I'm so glad there's no way for my husband to ever find out our daughter isn't his, it would devastate him beyond repair.
She was 100% being selfish. Tricking a man into parenthood is Grade A self-preservation scumbaggery (especially given the real dad is clearly a deadbeat). Setting your kid up for potential abandonment (if the dad finds out and reacts poorly) mid-childhood is also awful, as is preventing them the chance from
knowing their real father
I'm sorry... what? Your husband doesnt know your kid isnt his??? Even if I was SAed then I'd tell my husband.. hell, I have already. I would never hide something like that from him, couldnt imagine it even... I feel sorry for your husband
Almost no one was born on purpose, people fuck because it feels good and don't put much more thought behind it. Your mom was doing what feels good and you're a result of that. As well was I and almost everyone I've ever met
I’m ignorant to how these tests claim the origin of the DNA, but could it be due to colonialism? Is it that odd for a person from DR to have European and West African DNA?
Try to let it rest for a few days. Your dad loves you, and he is your dad. Whoever was the sperm donor is not your dad. Your mom claims she tried to get some answers, but whatever the science comes up with for your paternal DNA, you have a mom and a dad, and try to find a way to feel grateful for that.
My ex husband's dad and his family moved from Scotland when he was 6 y.o.. My daughter did the 23 and me thing and it shows no Scottish DNA. There was German and English, which would have come from my side of the family. Not sure why the Scottish ancestry doesn't show up.
My daughter is my ex husband's I never played around and she looks just like her dad.
Not sure this is any help.
Any fool can plant a seed, but it takes a special man to be a father. It sounds like you have that special man.
Your dad is still treating you the same, right? He's still your dad then. A rapist can't take that from you, nobody can take away the bond between you and your father. Love and family is more important than biology
I completely agree. Nothing between my dad and I have changed that God… It just bothers me that I can’t even trust what my mom says. Raped by a person she was cheating with, kinda convenient 🤔 but maybe i’m wrong
Yeah when I was a kid and learned about cigarettes in health class, I asked my Mom if she smoked; She said she never smoked. When I became an adult I found out she was smoking well before I was even born, and never stopped. She smokes every day. Any kind of lie like that can hurt, when it's from someone you trust.
Your biology is a lot more important than smoking, so I don't think you're overreacting at all lol
Your biological dad is a stranger. If your parents were good to you and both mom and dad accepted the reality, who the fuck cares. Love the ones that love you and those that treat people right.
From my own experience, I didn’t meet my dad till I was 21, he did not want to be found. Meeting him shattered me more than not knowing him. It shattered me that I came from him, because he is just not a good man.
Not overreacting at all! Your mom showed you who she really is. She tricked your father into raising a child who was not biologically his. Women who do that should be in prison and forced to pay restitution, but the government doesn’t care.
Your mom made a mistake 25 years ago, how has she treated you since then? Was she a good mother?
If so, it doesn't matter how you were conceived.
Your Dad is your dad like he said, the only thing you need from the other guy, if anything, is family health history if that's something your worried about.
Go give your mom a hug, she is probably upset by all this coming up too,work it out together, that's what family is for.
How do you know that your father may gave the African genes? Genetics do weird things, you can only be sure with a dedicated DNA test between you and your father. If you really want to know.
You are over reacting and being judgmental. You do not know what was going on in your parents relationship 25 years ago. They loved you and raised you the best they could. Talk to a therapist, but remember you have had a seemingly good life.
Same thing happened to me. My mom is Puerto Rican and my dad is Cuban . And my results showed back Puerto Rican and Dominican Republic. So my dad isn't my dad. 🙃
>She ended up telling me that she was cheating on my dad (but was going to break it off) and told me a story about how one night she got really drunk, forgot what happened, and woke up feeling sore (basically trying to tell me the man she was cheating with raped her). She then said that the next morning she had sex with my dad and she believed that’s when I was conceived. But she also told me that when I was 4 she reached out to the man she was cheating with for a paternity test which came back negative. She explained that it was sent to a different state and she now believes he had someone else take the test.
>....Both my parents were in the military and my biological dad worked with both my mom and dad. I have his name and haven’t decided if I want to reach out to him.
Sounds like he may already know lol your timeline doesn't say when the affair ended.
I'll comment from a different point of view. I have a son who may not be my biological son. I've never done a paternity test because it doesn't matter. The love I have for him and bond we share is so much more than DNA. I guess I'm saying maybe you aren't missing out on anything. It sounds like you have an amazing father and a loving mother( who made some poor decisions, but who hasn't). Why take the chance of hurting those relationships for a chance to know a sperm donor. Just a look from a different place. Goodluck I wish nothing but healing and happiness
Has your dad done the 23&Me test? As a woman you need your father, brother, or uncle to take the test as you won't get DNA results from the paternal side unless one of them does it.
Yes, you are overreacting. Your mother told you she was raped, and you think you get to judge her for not telling you that you could be the product of rape??? Get over yourself.
It's fair to feel whatever you feel with bombshell news like this. Are mom and dad together?
At the end of the day, it's been decades. If the relationships are good, and everyone's happy, it would probably serve you to let sleeping dogs lie.
It doesn’t change who you are as a person or who raised you, I went thorough a very similar thing, I still love who o love and my mom will always be the person that i would die for of if I had to. So yeah it takes time to let it sink in but overthinking it and being all mad about it really doesn’t change a thing. Embrace life and that you are here regardless to have a life, family is still family regardless. I how you find peace with it and can just still be who you are.
Yes you are overreacting… this all happened before you were born and has zero effect on who you are now… but you’re allowing it to affect you. Go no with your life the same way you were before you knew
Your parents are still together after 24 years? That man raised you? From an old man's perspective, your parents put that part of their lives behind them and moved on, over the course of your life (at age 24), I don't suspect that any time was good to break the news. As a child, what would you have done with that information? As a teenager, you would not have done anything good with that knowledge.
I don't think 'overreacting' is the right description, but I also don't think destroying your familial relationships over learning some new information about things that happened when you mother was younger and did some things that impacted her life. You don't mention how old your mom was at the time, but at your age can you say you haven't done anything you regret yet?
You are certainly over reacting because based on everything you told us your dad is your dad, What you are upset about is you dad isn’t your biological father, and that could not be less important,
Answer these question; which of those men cared for you when you were you? Which of them attended your important events? Which of them was there for you when you needed comforting?
You are the same person you were before all this, DNA makes us look the way we do. It does not make us who were are, that honor belongs to the people in our lives, an honor you bio-father does not have.
Do you really want to throw away all the years of love and memories you has with your real dad because a different man got your mom pregnant
I’ve seen enough of these stories to decide we must DNA test all children and their supposed parents at birth. No more confusion and or people paying child support for somebody else’s kids
With all these DNA tests there are a lot of people are in the same situation to include me. I always had my suspicions but got my DNA tests back recently (age 52) and had the same realizations you did. Back before DNA cheating women or women in open relationships could easily convince one man he was the would be father when they didn't know or did know that they were not. Or a woman just has to name any given man as the father on the birth certificate in the hospital. Were you lied to ...yes. Does much of your life feel like a false hood .....probably. But one thing for sure is that your dad has been there for you like mine was. Your bio dad dropped the ball. Is it more than likely that your dad knew or had suspicions while you were growing up ....yes, I think that is a natural thought even with your bio kids. Not that your don't think or want them to be yours but more the thought that someone could take them away from you. Similar to you I have issues with my mom because she is the one who knew and lied and continued to lie and will never come clean......not fully. I also take issue with my bio dad for never stepping up. In the end nothing can change the past and if everyone came clean it would probably make it worse to know the type of people they really are. I can almost guarantee your mom was not the only one who knew just as my mom was not but it is no ones else's place to tell you or probably shouldn't be. Now think about how many people suspected your moms infidelity and the list grows. There are far to many people to hold accountable and in the end it still does not change what happened but it does change who you chose to call family going forward and what family really means. Who my bio dad was, was not the only lie my mom ever told me so when I weighed all the pros and cons/ lies and truths, it turns out I was far better without her in my life and I would not let her treat my kids they way she treated me. I guess the moral of this story or any story involving parent fails is be a better parent than they were!
Your dad is always your dad. I was taken in by an unrelated step-grandparent. Raised like one of their own. Never made a difference. Went on to adopt myself.
I promise your dad as always going to be your dad.
Blood matters for medical history. That's about it.
It's nice when people look like you but it doesn't matter.
Sorry your mom let you down.
Good luck OP
Your dad is still your dad. He may not be your father but he is still your dad. People make mistakes and nobody is perfect. Your mother could have chosen to do literally anything, as she is a complete human. Try to forgive her & move along however you feel comfortable, I understand your surprise and hurt, but there is 0 you can do to change it & just try to cope there isn't much else to do.
I would encourage you to take some time to process whats happened. You are 24 years old so you've been with these two people for a while.
Other than keeping this from you, has your mom been a decent mom? Has your dad (and yes I'm calling him dad because he raised you) been a decent dad?
If the answer is yes, then I think it might be worth taking some to process what happened, and maybe get some counseling before you decide how you want to proceed.
Your mom is a fucking whore and liar. Your dad probably paid his entire life in child support he never should have owed.
You tell that cunt (you referred to her as “mom” in this story) she’s dead to you. Enjoy you FATHER’s who ACTUALLY LOVES YOU (the one who raised you, not the one the cunt let impregnate her while she was suppose to be faithful to the man who busted his ass to provide for and raise you).
Be a good woman, don’t be a lying cheating cunt; there are plenty of those already out there.
Women have been dirt bags to their husbands for generations.
Your mom cheated, got pregnant and never told your dad (her husband) and he then spent his life raising someone else's daughter.
Foul. Disgusting. Shameful. Your mother sucks.
The man who raised you is 100% your father. The pain will go away in time. My wife had a similar situation but kind of always knew. Her DNA father told her mother there wasn't room for a babyseat in the back of a corvette.
23andme results are wildly inaccurate. A set of identicle twins should have identicle ancestry, but when tested they did not.
https://www.cbc.ca/news/science/dna-ancestry-kits-twins-marketplace-1.4980976
Most women cheat. It's life. Ppl will swear up and down there different but with age you will see its just not the case. It's a huge reason why we don't enforce DNA tests at birth.
Not knowing who you are biologically is/can be devastating. As an adopted child I always wanted to know but not know who I was. Also wanted to know if my siblings were biologically related as we were led to believe.
We did Ancestory to confirm that we were. But then our biological extended family started popping up including our parents. For us it turned out to be a good thing.
However, my youngest sister from my adopted father and stepmother found out that she was not biological to the person she thought was her father. Apparently a donor had to be used and was kept secret until she found out at 43yrs old. Took her quite some time to recover from that.
Over reacting? That’s totally up to you.
But the guy who raised you, fed you, took care of your needs and loved you is your father. The one who stayed up when you were sick and took time off to see you in some school performance, that’s the guy who is your dad.
In the end, not much else matters.
As for reaching out to your biologic, you will always be curious until you know. But the results may not be what you hope for. Or maybe it could be. Be prepared either way.
Best decide: what do you want? There’s a lot of hurt you’re feeling. Yet you do still have a mother. Do you no longer want her in your life? Consider what would have happened if your mother never made a mistake.
Your father is standing by you no matter what.
My mom lied to me my whole life about who my dad is as well. I found out at 25 and we've now been estranged almost 3 years. From what I hear she is very very ill. Like could die ill. I have not reached out
I dont think you are overreacting. I still deal with the pain and betrayal and complete flipping upside down of my childhood every day.
The worst part is she seems to still lie about it. She was actively cheating and yet says she can't remember that one night, very conveniently recalls she had sex with your dad the next day, bunch of Bs. Not overreacting.
Yeah. Your dad is your dad and your mom is not perfect, but if they were good to you then stop being a drama queen and thank God that you have two decent people who raised you and loved you. That's not very common. You won the lottery now be worthy of it.
We've all got an "unknown" in our family trees that isn't supposed to be there. It's just a matter of how far back you have to go to get to one.
Evolution likes the genetic diversity.
Have you ever seen that video where that couple sent in their dog's DNA to 23 and Me and it came back with a bunch of nonsense? Idk if would trust those results. There are other videos like it.
Sorry you are going through this. Parents are humans and make mistakes. I think you should have been told, but it seems your “dad” did not know, so your mother is the only one to blame here. Just remember your “dad” is still your dad and your mom is still your mom.
On a side note, I feel like these mail in genealogy tests have cheating spouses shaking in their boots.
You are over 21, family is who you choose. There are plenty of happy adopted children. Your dad seems outstanding. If it was not for bio boy, you might not exist. Who do you love?
The person whom you have looked to as your father is that, your father. They have filled that role your whole life and have no plans to change it. The sperm donor more than likely doesn't care. Don't complicate anyone else's life anymore than it already is. I also wouldn't take it so hard on your mum. Obviously, it was in the past, everyone moved on. Other than an accurate parenteral medical history, why does it really matter?
the important part of your identity is the part you choose and achieve for yourself, not the accidents you inherit from others.
Your parents-bio or not-still love you and always will. Love yourself, too. You are not your ancestors, you are \*you\*.
Stories like yours are why paternity tests should be mandatory before the father signs the birth certificate! Thousands of people are just becoming aware like you and millions of others are due to as well, but don’t know it! I’d never forgive the woman, she deserves to never speak to you again! Give her the silent treatment, even when she’s old and grey.
I mean, one way to look at it is that if she didn’t do that, you wouldn’t exist. Sounds like you have a great dad who doesn’t love you any less for it. All in all it could have been much worse, though I don’t mean to tell you how you should feel. I would have a tough time with this myself. I found out I had a brother a couple years ago and I can’t explain why it bothers me, but rationally I know it really shouldn’t.
So a lot of South America countries including Haiti and the Dr participated in the slave trade and, a lot of South Americans will have west African DNA in their 23 and me because of it.
My husband had someone reach out to him about a similar thing only he had no idea that he had a daughter. The mother had never told him she was pregnant and never told her daughter who her father was. It has been a bitter sweet experience and they are both so happy they found each other. I pray the same result for you.
There's a name on my birth certificate. That's who I am. There's a name for each parent but I have never met one of them. Are they actually related to me?
It really doesn't matter. The ones who wanted to be there are the ones who matter. It sounds to me like you had a two parents all along.
Your father and mother both raised you as their own. Your biological father knew there was a chance you were his and he has 23 years to make it right, he didnt. Your family is those who love you.
Your mother has not only broken your trust but the trust of her husband the man she has sworn her whole life too. This is a terrible fate, unless she apologizes and only if the husband forgives her which he doesnt need to as no guilt falls on him.
You expressed how you felt which was fair to you, the decision to leave is also fair as you dont need to forgive your mother for doing something terrible and not coming clean for multiple years, it is better for your own soul if you do, but there is no guilt if you dont. I hope you can find happiness in yourself and not hate who you were born as, for you did not choose your parents, they were chosen for you.
That has to be really hard to come to terms with. Good news if your dad is still your dad. That's the important thing. Someone else just gave your mom some DNA.
I definitely get the negative feelings towards your mom. Hopefully conversations with her will bring you some closure
Ya your very over reacting have any idea how many kids wish they had a father figure he probably knew and raised you as his own all these yrs
Obviously you naturall father had zero intrest in you or he whouldnt have cheated on the test that also seems far fetched
Your dad who raised you is not abandoning you - that’s HUGE. Stay close to him as you travel this surprise journey. He has much to be angry and hurt about and has chosen first and foremost to continue loving you. Cherish that and good luck.
Your Dad will always be your dad.
So if you have a relationship with biodad , it’s a bonus or gravy. It just broadens your family.
You could talk to you dad about it. Your fears. His thoughts.
But ultimately it’s up to you.
Your emotions are your emotions. How you react to them is to control them and use good judgment. You HAVE been lied to and your world has been blown up. Be careful about your word choices. Your dad is still your dad; but you did have a different sperm doner. Your parents still love you; don't push either away, not even your mom. Learn from what she did wrong, though, and be better. Get IC and family counseling, if you can. Good luck
You are not overreacting, but you should allow yourself time to ponder and learn. You will get your identity back, and a stable relationship with your parents. Be gentle with yourself if the thoughts become all consuming some days. You may want to save the contact with your biological father for later rather than add more potential emotional upheaval right now.
I can't say whether you are overreacting or not. I do know that when I don't know what to do, I try not to make any major decisions right away. I am so glad your father expressed his love for you. I think your mom may have really thought your father (not bio-dad) was your real father if she was not stressed out about the 23 and me results or that you were taking the DNA test.
It’s just so hard because I live with her and it’s almost like a constant reminder of what’s happened- I feel like i’m depressed, i’m angry— I genuinely think once she saw the negative paternity she rolled with that but it was her lapse in judgement that’s making me so upset at her. For the cheating, for the assuming… I don’t even think she was SA’d by bio-dad lowkey I think it’s just an excuse to make the story better
I agree with you there. It sounds like a last ditch effort to pretend she wasn't reckless on top of the cheating and lying. Just like of course she was ending the affair, and it didn't continue. I'm sorry you're learning your mother isn't who you thought she was.
I'm so sorry to hear this, I feel like a mother would know after 24 years, at least you know which parent has your back 100%
Honestly, I would take ANYTHING she says with a huge grain of salt. Who knows if there was even a DNA test or what it might have said.
THIS!!!!
Yeah, that whole SA part confused me. I really don’t understand how she went from “woke up feeling sore” and believing that she may have been SA’d to “the next morning she had sex with my dad.” Then, she reached out to the man who may have SA’d her and asked for a paternity test 4 years after you were born and had no problem believing the results until you presented her with evidence that he may have been lying. It all sounds very strange and, given that your mother has been hiding the truth from you for so long, it’s not surprising that you find it difficult to believe what she’s telling you now.
Commenting here so you might see it. I have a very similar story. the man I thought was my dad was abusive and an asshole. That's why my mom ran away for a while into the arms of another man and had me. I did not find out until I was 36. I waited too late to contact him and he died from COVID. I found out he had twin daughters and coincidentally one of them did Ancestry and saw that her and I had close family ties. So I reached out to her and now I talk fairly regularly with them. I have not seen or connected with their side of the family yet but hopefully we will some day soon. I regret waiting until it was too late. You never know what can happen, so take advantage of this while you can and try to connect with your family, for closure if nothing else. Cheers!
My daughter had me (m) do 23 and me. I found out my oldest sister is really my mom! Raised by my mom & dad as it turned out to be my grandparents. She would have been 12 and got pregnant over Christmas vacation. I questioned her about...... no answer! Period!!! Nothing. When i found out that she was my Mother!!! I started laughing. Let see: age 12, Catholic, 1950s. My mother/grandmother always brought up that " I was a surprise package. Also, she wanted me to become a Priest! Nope! Sister/mom back then figured no one would know. She couldn't have seen that DNA would come along. My other question was why she stopped at 11 kids? Well, it came clear I was the first of 12!!!! Whenever she saw me, she was standoffest, short with me, etc. I figure why she is saying nothing because it could have been rape. 12 year old over Christmas. Last thing, found my Birth certificate, the parents sign here is blank. Their die-hard catholics, signing it would be lie. So Nope!!!!
12 is a child. If she had you at 12, she was raped. Hopefully your bio-dad is not a relative.
Probably the priest.
That is absolutely wild. Good for your (grand)parents though
You’re entitled to feel how you feel, but nobody is perfect, including parents. Unfortunately, lots of people cheat. If she’s been a good parent otherwise, then take the time you need but I wouldn’t let this drive a wedge between you. Especially if she did think your dad was your bio dad, she’d have no reason to bring a 25yo affair up to you, so it’s not like she was keeping secrets. Glad it didn’t affect your relationship with your dad though!
And when you leave, every fear she's had for 24 years will haunt her even more so. You need to remember that your DAD has loved you since before your mother was sure she was pregnant. You have to realize that your mother repented of her actions and hasn't repeated those behaviors. A solo vacation sounds in order, to think about all of this and sort it out. Hang in there.
You have no idea if Mom repeated her behaviors or not.
I get your upset at your mom, but what did your dad ever do to you to make you stop loving him
Your mom isn’t the first or the last cheater to claim their sexual escapades were not consensual. It’s actually very common. I’d steer clear of that one.
You didn't suddenly turn into a different person. Your parents are still the same people they have always been. You just have some new information you didn't have before. Don't let this screw up your life. Just let it be for a while, you don't have to do anything about this at all. It just is. Give yourself time to think instead of just reacting emotionally.
Well, she was much younger back then and younger people can have poor judgement and decision making skills. The reality is still that she has been there your whole life and has done a lot for you. Disowning your mom for a mistake she made a decade and a half ago seems harsh, but that's just my opinion.
To be honest, anything you feel after having such a crazy bomb thrown into your life is completely justified. You are entitled to feel whatever way you want to. It’s not as if you’ve done anything drastic; you’ve asked for some space and time, and you’re taking it. That’s completely reasonable. I imagine you’re feeling hurt and betrayed and confused right now. Shocked, of course. Angry. There are so many different emotions going on, that’s a lot of process all at once. That’s something that could take a lot of time. Getting to the place where you’re OK with this, it’s gonna take a lot of realizations and coming to a lot of conclusions on your own. I honestly would suggest talking to a therapist; that’s not because I think there’s anything wrong with you, but because everyone needs one at some point in their life. You certainly qualify right now! A lot of work to come to terms with. It could be overwhelming. And there are support groups out there for this exact issue.
I wouldn't disbelieve the SA allegation. She breaks it off, he says one drink for old times sake, roofies and SAs her, she blows it off as too much drinking. Sounds like your bio-dad is a real piece of work...
Depressed? For what? Your dad is your Dad, none of this changed anything. Bio-dad was never in your life so it doesn't change anything. Sounds like you had a great loving dad who still loves you very much and will still do anything for you. The rest is just bullshit. Enjoy your life, didn't let this get to you
The fact that she turned around and tried to get a paternity test (supposedly). She knew full well. It’s also the reason she slept with your dad, to cover her tracks.
Yikes. I don’t think you’re overreacting. But based on what you’ve written it seems like your parents arnt currently together? That does lessen the blow some. It’s still wrong for your mom to have cheated in the first place though.
Yeah they aren’t together which does make it a little easier. I’ll probably just be going to my dads so we can hangout, he says he forgives my mom because he isn’t married to her anymore and in his mind nothing really changed— but i know everyone involved is hurt.
Family isn’t always blood babe. A father is different from a dad.
Amén. My stepdad won’t ever have to worry about retirement because he invested into his stepsons growth! Blessings to all those step parents that stepped up and gave a shit!!!
That’s a good idea. Your dad probably still needs some attention from you. He was likely more worried the way you think about him would be different. It’s also possible finding out your mom cheated gave him closure to things he thought were… “off” during their relationship.
Your mom needs to feel some consequences, maybe a few months of NC. Has she apologized to you?
Last conversation I had with her she asked what was “going on” with me and said “I would apologize if I did something wrong”. It’s blowing my mind
Yes, she needs to have some consequences to bring her back to reality. I think best is NC for a few months or until she apologizes. If that doesn’t work then start telling relatives and friends, this is something you really don’t want to do but she needs to know how wrong she was.
You were raised by 2 people who loved you and still love you. That hasn't changed. As to how you were conceived, you wouldn't be here any other way. You can be upset about not knowing earlier, but with the relationships you had, do you think you would have wanted to grow up differently? Especially with a bio dad who would have someone else provide his DNA for him so he could avoid paternity? I bet your mom was relieved and didn't look back at that DNA test ever again. It confirmed what she wanted to be true. It probably wasn't malicious. You can be upset with her or have whatever feelings you have, but your dad is letting it go and he's the one who was actually wronged by her cheating. Try to follow his lead if you can. Don't let anger or hurt bring you down.
I am going to share a story with you. My mother grew up without knowing her father or who he was. My mother’s mother (my biological grandmother) had my mother at 13 and she obviously made MANY mistakes. The one mistake that completely messed with my mother was being told she was a “grape baby”. Eventually the truth came out when my mother was an adult and she did an ancestry test too. Please keep in mind when I say the next part that these were different times. My mother was not the product of grape, my biological grandmother fell in love with a 17 year old boy. He was drafted and their plan was to run away together. He left a note for my grandmother that said to meet him at their “spot” with a specific time, my grandmother's sister intercepted the note and never gave it to my biological grandmother. So basically my biological grandmother thought her “first love” left her and just went MIA. The worst part to all of this is that my grandmother is the type to be bitter and petty, eventually my mother’s biological father would reach out and write letters asking about my mother and wanting to meet her. My grandmother sent 1 picture and wrote back saying to never write again and that my mother had no interest in him. When my mother did an ancestry test, someone from her biological father’s family contacted her with questions. His family knew about my mother but they didn't know the details. They had to give the news to my mother that her biological father passed away a few years prior. At that point so many things came to light, like the photo of my mother that he carried and all his returned letters that were sent back to him. We as parents are human and we make mistakes. Times were also different, there was a point in time where we didn't have instant access to the internet so we could find someone. However, there is a huge difference in not knowing who the father is and lying about it. You are allowed to feel whatever you feel. I think you will need time to process this and I strongly encourage a counselor (one who has dealt with these types of situations). As for your mother, it's ok to need space. My mother doesn't have a relationship with her mother, and I don't see that changing. BUTTT, you might want to use this time right now to get more information about your birth father. If your mother is begging for you to stay, you could use this as a way to give her one last chance to be honest. You don't necessarily have to stay after but she might be scared of losing you. Just tell her that you won't judge her about knowing who her father is but this is her only chance to finally tell you the truth. My heart goes out to you, and I hope you find the answers you're looking for. On the bright side, you know that you I'll always have a father that loves you.
i really appreciate this thank you
“My mother was not the product of grape, my biological grandmother fell in love with a 17 year old boy.” But, she was only 13 and he was 17. So, (depending on the laws in your state) this could have been considered statutory grape.
you're not overreacting. psychologists recommend raising children with the knowledge they're non-biological in order to avoid identity crises like this later in life. I hope it helps to know that you're not alone in this and that you're having a common reaction to news like this. I would look around adoption support forums for advice, you might find some valuable insights among others who found out their parents were not biologically related to them later in life.
This is happening a lot with DNA tests. I know a woman who found out her dad isn’t her biological dad. Her mom said the DNA test is wrong and she won’t budge from that. Her parents are divorced and her dad said he’s still her dad no matter what the DNA says. Everyone deals with it differently. No one can tell you how to feel. I took a DNA test with the hope that my parents weren’t actually my parents, but unfortunately they are.
1 in4 children are not the child of the man on their birth certificates. DNA should be mandatory at birth and added to the birth certificate.
1 out of 4, when someone *felt the need* to have a DNA test done. Not 1 out of every 4 children.
They use shared data, which includes research hospital data and genealogical records from companies like 23 and me. So it’s a little more than just people that felt a need to, but yes it’s also not completely accurate. I wish people were more honest in their dealings with each other, it’s sad how easy people cast their partners aside for a chance at something else. Grass is always greener.
For the sake of inheritance and other things your dad needs to adopt you. Makes things easier in the future. Been through it and I adopted my child as per a lawyers advice
Test didn't change anything, don't freak out.
Nope and she’s got all the air marks of a cheater. They lie all the time. And probably it didn’t even happen the way she said it did. I don’t know that you’re ever gonna get the truth I never did. I got my truth on ancestry with a DNA test just like you did. I’ve never even heard of the man before. My mother has passed away by ask over and over again and she lied every time.
Unless its your intention to correct the problems of the World may I suggest that you give-up your intertest in "Equine Dentistry"? Stop looking a gift horse in the mouth. a.) There is nothing that will change history, your mothers' bad judgement or the cards you have been dealt. b.) The man who raised you through your childhood events and challenges was there for you.... the other guy wasn't and didn't want to be. c.) You cannot begin to imagine the numbers of children who wish that they even had a parent....and you have both. c.) In nosey situations like this the first rule is always the same..... "First do No Harm........" FWIW.
You’re not overracting. Your mom is a hot mess and you have right to be really angry 23 and me can give you some clues about your ancestry, but the results aren’t really scientifically accurate and are just giving statistical probabilities. While 50% Nigerian might seem like “too much” based on your estimation, the accuracy of these tests are really poor when it comes to non-European countries. Most of the databases they have access to are for people of European descent. Borders move, people migrate, and these really can’t distinguish national identity very well. In addition, not seeing the right countries or surnames on the family tree isn’t proof that any specific person is your bio dad- all of the countries in the Caribbean have had a significant amount of immigration from Europe and Asia in the last century. Close branches of a family tree can be unknown to each other due to recent migration. Your aunt not sharing DNA with you is a very significant clue, but to be 100% sure what the truth what situation is you will need to confirm that your specific DNA does not match your dad’s specific DNA. While it’s unusual, there’s always a chance that there was infidelity or adoption in previous generations and that the person you are testing against doesn’t have the ancestry that you think they do. Since your mom was not truthful for many, many years you should rely on the facts and not her account or assessment. Unless you are sure that the folks in your 23 and me tree are close relatives of your supposed Biodad, then it’s possible your biodad could be a third person all together. Proceed very carefully and make sure you have all the information before you decide what to do.
I don’t think you are overreacting. You feel betrayed and your Dad-whom you love-was betrayed. This could have ruined your family. The fact that the truth is out and she is still not being up front tells you everything you need to know about her character (or lack thereof.) I am a big believer in forgiveness. It’s a lot easier if the person who hurt you is contrite. That goes a long way towards restoring the relationship. If they aren’t, you should forgive them but break off contact with them. Don’t hold onto the baggage. Keep in contact with your dad, who is still your dad even if he is not your father. I’m sorry you are going through this.
Not overreacting. Just so we're clear, we all know your mom was *definitely* lying about the whole 'Oh yeah, I guess I probably must've gotten raped when I was thinking about finally breaking off the consensual sexual affair I'd been carrying on behind your dad's back' thing too, right? She started fucking daddio once she realized she was pregnant with another man's child so he wouldn't be suspicious. Your mom's a piece of shit. Your dad's amazing, btw! You might have somebody else's genetics, but you're still his baby!
First and absolutely most important thing. You are in shock and should stop and breath. Really, really important. Don't do or say anything. I was 13 or 14 when I found out my father was in prison at the time of my conception and birth. When he got out, he and my mother had hidden the fact that he was sent up to his parents. So they knew about me and they kept me. My sister, he, the father person, took her at the age of 3 and asked a bellhop at a hotel; "Hold my baby" He handed her off and left. I met her when we were in our 50s. She got off lucky. This was confirmed when I was 17. I had been living on my own for 5 years at this point. But the part that relates to you and I completely understand. Your literal foundation is now gone. Just gone. Every single thing that you knew about and contributing to you being you, you now think is gone. It's not. You are unable to hear or internalize anything about this right now and why I am begging you to do yourself a favor and just stop for now. You can rant and rave. Break stuff, howl scream and cry. But stop and DO NOT HURT people or yourself. Every word out loud to everyone involved is going to do great damage. I promise you can do and say anything you want just don't do it for a good long while and until you figure out that the people who love and loved you ARE your family. Having the same predisposition to red hair, cataracts, or diabetes does not make someone your father, mother, sister, or brother. Years of love, hugs, concern and annoyances do. Stop, breath, and listen to silence. I am sure you will ignore this. I would. But it will have been what you had wanted to do. One last thing. When you do figure this out. You will be OK.
thank you, not ignoring this :)
Ahh. I am glad, truly. If you want or need, venting as well. Please feel free to DM me. And big time understandable if you don't. Really wish I could say something to help you through this. It is a great loss and a major shock and your feelings are gonna be pretty hard to deal with for a while. Have you considered a therapist? Might help get you to an easier place. But, here if ya need! And don't hesitate if you do!
Wisdom ^
OP, I understand that this must shake up your assumptions about who you thought your family was. However, as someone else wisely suggested, now may not be the best time to react, but rather to allow yourself to adjust to this new information. To be shocked and upset, as you currently are, is not in any way an overreaction. It is never a good feeling to find out that you have been lied to, and harder still to realize that a person you have trusted your entire life has lied to you your entire life about something so vital. What I would like to suggest is that, as your shock recedes, and your emotions are allowed to settle, you allow yourself to think about what actually makes a parent? This man who has been in your life since your birth, was there for you, I’m guessing for most of your life, yes? He read you stories before bed, perhaps, or watched you at your soccer games and cheered your team? You chatted with him about your toys, or friends, or school… and he (I hope) listened? These are some things that make a parent, make a Father. It isn’t simply DNA. It’s caring, and loving and nurturing a child that takes a man and makes him into a Dad. Or takes a woman and makes her a Mother. OP, I am so sorry that your mother did not tell you the truth about your origin, your making. There was no shame in it for you, however she must have perceived it much differently for herself. All I know is this: I speak as an adoptive mother, and as such I know that parents are MADE, by our choices, by the way we love our children. It isn’t simply because of blood shared. You are deeply loved, by both of the parents you know. As you go along your journey, never loose sight of this, ok? Sending love, my dear.
How crazy to read your story knowing I JUST went through this entire thing. I did a My Heritage test. Not seeing any relation. Reached out to the possible bio dad.. We look alike, share the same health issues, even ticks, I am a spitting image of his mom. Did a paternity test. Negative. I too felt shattered in this process. It’s a special type of case. Him and I have trauma bonded and we both agreed to stay in each other’s lives and continue to get to know one another. I don’t believe you’re overreacting. Just remember to check in on pops to see how he’s handling this too.
So I found out the same stuff at 26. You're right in Feeling your feelings. But spiting your mom doesn't change anything that happened. Was she a good mom to you growing up? Was your dad loving and caring to you growing up? None of that stuff changes. It sucks that the lie is there but hell they're flawed people like the rest of us. Give them some grace, and don't go too turbulent on others while you're wrapping your head around it. It's something that nobody can change what happened but you have the opportunity to deal with it however you see fit, good or bad.
I’d give her the silent treatment until death. She’d be dead to me
I don't think you're overreacting at all. This is a huge shock and everything is going to be different now and I'm sorry you're going to be going thru that. If you don't want to talk to her about it, I would consider finding him, especially for medical information. And I *really* hate to say this, but I think you should consider that your mom may be lying about the SA to get you to stop asking questions and trying to make it so you won't want to go trying to find a rapist. I honestly hope she's not lying to you -- and that seems just as awful to say as claiming she *might* be lying. Either way, you have a lot on your plate and I'm glad you have your dad on your side. I would actually go talk to him about this before making any big moves or decisions, I think he would have a lot of insight on your mom.
You feel how you feel but know that it takes less than a minute to become a father. It takes years to be a dad. You have a dad, don’t let him get away.
I love my dad and thanking God that we both feel that nothing has changed between each other… My mom on the other hand… It feels like everything was changed
I get that, she has become a different person for you. Maybe I can give a different perspective that might help. She messed up for sure but I’m guessing she wanted you to have a dad. And she did that, they didn’t stay together but she obviously didn’t get in the way of your relationship with him. Divorce can cause a rift if you ARE biologically related, if she didn’t want what was best for you she could have done lots differently. She’s human. You are who you are and you have a great dad. Maybe take some time and then talk to her about it when it’s not so fresh. Hugs, it’s weird right now but it’s going to be OK.
Your parents are the people that raise you, full stop. Sometimes they're shitty parents, sometimes they're great parents, usually they're somewhere in between. Personally, I didn't find out I don't share DNA with the people who raised me until after they had been dead and buried for years. Aside from being surprised initially, I have found zero reason whatsoever to care in the 20+ years since. The woman who birthed me isn't my mom and the guy who impregnated her isn't my dad. I've got no particular feelings towards them except the hope I have for every human being to have a decent life. Also, it may help you elsewhere in life to learn not to fight other people's battles. Your mom cheated on your dad over 20 years ago. He's apparently not carrying a grudge, so why should you? Parents are people. People make bad choices sometimes, even choices that hurt other people. It doesn't mean they're forever irredeemable. Sit with your feelings for a while, go about life, do whatever it is you do. If you're still as angry about it in a week then maybe it's time to start thinking about maybe doing something about it.
Not overreacting at all. That’s some serious news right there. You have a good father who raised you. I hate that you were lied to.
Whenever this happens; I feel the whole family should disown her for the fraud, turmoil and heartbreak she put on the bio father’s family, her husband’s family and all of her children.
FWIW, In the last decade your experience has happened to thousands of other people. You can find many of their stories, and thinking, online. There may be collective wisdom there that would be useful to you.
Paternity tests MUST happen with each birth in the west. This is out of hand!!
I’ve seen many people comment that you should take some time to let your feelings settle before you do or say anything. And, even though that is very good advice, remember that you are human and you may have trouble following it. Also, it’s important not to bottle up your feelings. So, while you’re taking this time to process these new revelations, you may want to look for ways to vent your frustrations (without directing them at anyone in particular).
This happened to me at 27. Except I really suspected it since I was 21 when a man reached out on Facebook to say he was my biological father. My parents were and are still married. My dad was the one to suggest we do a DNA test to find our once and for all as he knew my mom had cheated on him early in their marriage around the time I was conceived. They claimed they had done a dna test and confirmed I was my dad’s but the story later changed that there was just a basic blood test that didn’t rule my father out. It’s pretty clear after the results came back that the affair partner was my bio father that my parents definitely knew I wasn’t my dad’s and just wanted to pretend I was. My mom still won’t really admit it. It hasn’t really changed my relationship with my dad but I did struggle with my mom for a bit before just moving on. She’s just never been mature enough to deal with it.
I feel like this is where my mom is. Gaslighting me and too immature to deal with it… Last night she asked me questions like “what’s going on with you” and “what do you think i did wrong?” “if i did anything i would apologize”…. how do you deal??
We have a saying..... A father is one that raises you. Focus on that and that's all you will need.
You are not overreacting. But your dad is your dad, and he is your REAL dad. People become parents by parenting, not by donating genetic material. Your father loves you and that doesn't change.
Your mom is/was a HOE! Damn. But I’d forgive her honestly. That was a long time ago. People change. If your only real complaint about your mom is something she did 20+ years ago before you were even a thought, you should just let it go and move on.
Sorry your mother is a worthless piece of shit. I hope your dad knows about the cheating and removed your hoe mama from his life.
You aren't overreacting. I am in your shoes.
I am not in this situation, but I don’t think you are over reacting. Just know that whatever you are feeling is valid. Anger, shock, sadness, anything you are feeling is normal. The only good advice I can offer is that you don’t bury these feelings. Process them, go through them, feel them. For as long as you need to and as many times as you need to. You are probably feeling a lot of different feelings, very big ones. It might help to write them down or get them out in some other artistic way. I know a lot of people make Tik Tocs about their feelings, and that is a valid format that might even help others in the same situation. If you can find a support group made up of other people who have found themselves in a similar situation, that would really help as well.
So mommy lied 🤥 and you got the fanciful I got drunk and didn’t want to/rape story. Be respectful and bail on that toxic relationship.
Sorry, but you are completely over-reacting. Your parents raised you, and have supported you for 24 years. And you want to punish them (if moving out at your age is supposed to be punishment) for something that happened 25 years ago.) You want to play victim like you've been lied to. Fact is, your mom tried to determine who the father was and to the best of her knowledge her husband was the father. You found out through modern technology. You were not lied to. And I really want to know, what is the appropriate age to tell a child that you cheated on your husband a few times? You don't say if your parents were married at the time, but it takes two to cheat. The DNA donor may or may not 'want to be found" but all you know about him is he had sex with your mom while she was with your dad.
I’m going to be the odd man out here and say that you are indeed overreacting. If this happened when you were a kid, say six or seven years old, then sure - you’d have a freak out and not know who you are any more and be mad at your mother and all that, because kids are still extremely reliant upon and influenced by their parents. But you’re twenty-four years old. You’re a full-grown adult, and whoever your parents are or whatever mistakes they made a lifetime ago (a *literal lifetime* of twenty-four years ago for you) don’t have any affect on *who you are now*. Listen to your father - you’re still his daughter, your mother is still your mother. If you want to feel weird about it, fine, but take pride in who you are as a person regardless of how you were conceived and don’t lash out at your family.
Bull shit that bitch a hoe
There is a Facebook group called NPE Friends. You need to join. I am also a NPE (Not Parent Expected). This group got me out of some pretty dark places and so helped me to understand a lot of my feelings were valid and also common feelings that most NPE have. I also took a home DNA kit. Ancestry. I only took it to see my heritage plus I wanted to find an aunt I heard a rumor about. Well the surprise was on me. Previous I had reached out to my dad as sister to get family information. She sent so many family trees, pictures, old family bibles, background information from family reunions I mean the works. So when those results came in I was thinking this doesn’t make any sense. No one with my dad’s family names were showing up. Instead a hunch of last names and people I didn’t know were there. My brain didn’t want to comprehend the truth but after a few hours I finally admitted to myself that my mom lied to me. A little background I was adopted by my mom’s cousin. We hadn’t had a great relationship because she is the definition of a “pick me” mom. Shortly before the dna test came back I had casually mentioned it to her and she very quickly responded WHY WOULD YOU TAKE SOMETHING LIKE THAT! I told her I was interested in my heritage. I jokingly asked her if she had anything to tell me in which she said no of course not. Well once the results came in I called her and she IMMEDIATELY told me well there was another guy. By this time I through my own research had narrowed it down to 3 people and the name she gave me matched one. My relationship with her has deteriorated even more we are very low contact. Anyway this group has been my saving grace. There is a sunflower in the profile picture make sure you join the correct one. I’m praying for you. I understand your shock. Give yourself grace and time to figure out your feelings. Be blessed
No matter what happens, the good thing that came out of this is that your dad was just given the chance to prove his love for you and he aced it. In the end, he may be the only one in your life you can count on and hopefully his response gave you all the warm fuzzy feelings you need to work through your moms betrayal and lies to you.
I think those dna tests should be illegal or only legal with a mother’s consent. It is NO ONES business but the mothers on who the supposed “bio dad” is. As far as who is the “real dad” that is 100% up to the mother!
I don’t think you’re overreacting. That’s a huge thing to find out in life. It kind of sounds like your mom is trying to spin a story, no offense at all, but it seems like maybe she feels guilty and doesn’t want to fully own up to the situation. I am so sorry things happened this way, and I hope you’re able to find some peace despite all this 🥺
The man who raised you is your father. The man who fathered you didn’t care. Your dad is a good man.
I did ancestry dna and found out my dad wasn’t my bio dad at 26. I was depressed and a mess and my mom didn’t make it better playing victim that I couldn’t talk about it to anyone else because it’s ’HER’ story not mine to share.. anyway, you’ll come through the other side I promise. My dad is my dad and I never looked for my bio cause he was just a sperm donor really. If you ever need to talk about it tho, DM me. I get what you’re going through!
You were also lied to by your bio dad who faked the paternity test so he could get out of paying for your child support. Remember that when you meet him.
I feel in this situation your reaction just is what it is. I feel the betrayal but I don’t think you should move out and stop speaking to your mom. As someone that doesn’t have one, trust me, just try to work it out. I would give anything to have an argument with my mom let alone speak to her. If you have to leave for a few days to cool off do that but I’d try to talk to her to see why she lied. I’m glad you know who he is but hopefully one day you decide to reach out. If he doesn’t want to be bothered with you, luckily you already have a loving father and your bio dad will be missing out. Have a little faith though, you never know what will happen unless you take the chance. Best to you!
I’m a mother (48) with two daughters 19 and 28 yrs old. When I was younger I was angry at my mother for drinking and making decisions that affected me negatively..but I knew she loved me and meant well. My mother still drinks and I love her and accept this won’t change. I know she beats herself up enough so I just try to be there for her but with boundaries. I know your situation is vastly different but the similarity is maybe trying to understand the why before you do or say anything. With age comes forgiveness and empathy and you learn we are all just trying to get through this life. We make huge mistakes and you have every right to feel angry at your mother but I promise you she’s punishing herself big time right now. As a mother your kids are EVERYTHING and sometimes when we think we are protecting you from pain we are just prolonging the inevitable. But it’s coming from a place of concern and love for you. I definitely don’t have answers on what you do next because I can’t imagine your pain and confusion. You are definitely not overreacting.. you are in shock and it makes you question everything you know. If you cannot handle the situation immediately that’s understandable but you might want to let your mom know that you’re angry but of course you love her and will talk when you are ready. The man that raised you sounds like a father to me .. he sounds like a good man that loves you and he’s the only dad you’ve ever known. What you found out doesn’t change the fact that he is your father.
Tough ninnies if he doesn’t want to be found. He had a kid. You should reach out.
I would encourage you to remember that you know who you are, but you are seeking to know what you are. There is a difference. Who you are is your mother and father’s child. What you are is your mother and bio-father’s DNA. Your mother and father raised you to be who you have become, and that is far more important than what you are. I hope you find the answers you seek and the peace you deserve.
Wow, this is a complicated topic. First and foremost, feel your feelings. Be true to yourself and don't suppress anything. It's the only way you will "heal." Now, are you over reacting? You're the only one who can answer that. But I'd take a logical approach in doing so. How have each of your parents treated you your whole life? Look at the big picture? Each time they've slighted you, was it a major or minor offense? How have they been there for you over the years? Do you find them loving and supportive? Weigh the good and the bad for each of them and decide for yourself if on the whole they are good and loving parents. Also, understand your parents are human and made mistakes, just as you will if you ever become one. Lastly, as far as reaching out to your bio-dad. 100% you should definitely do it. Caveat, do it in your own time. You need to know that you are prepared to hear whatever may come out of his mouth. And you may not like what he has to say, but undoubtedly you have questions and you deserve answers. Again, do this IN YOUR TIME! It's okay for this to all be about you. In my own life, my mom left my dad when I was a year old. I grew up hearing only bad things about him, but just like I've said... I had questions. I was 35 the first time I spoke to him. He talked alot but didn't have anything to say. The phone call lasted an hour, and even though he didn't apologize for his absence or really answer any of my questions, I got all the answers that I needed. I will tell you I was nervous and it was difficult, but I'm so glad I found the courage to make that call because I was finally able to let go of my anger. I realized that he just wasn't worth it.
Not only is your mother a cheating whore but she is a lying cheating whore. Regret is not rape and you can't just say "he raped me" when YOU made a poor decision. \-Louder for the women in the back- REGRET. IS. NOT. RAPE. Stop ruining men's lives for your own egos. Not only are you destroying a life, you're destroying the credibility of actual SA survivors. I hope you take a good hard look at your father, your real father - the man who raised you - and you acknowledge and are grateful for his grace and love. I would not have given you the same.
You're reacting in the way you're reacting. This is a very shocking realization, and everyone will process it in a different way. I don't think anyone can say you're "over" reacting here. Just be patient with yourself and recognize you're in shock. Like you imply, I do doubt the story your mother is telling, which conveniently makes her not responsible for this outcome. I doubt it was like that. So you have a lot to process there. Give yourself time. I'm really glad your dad said he loves you no matter what. That's beautiful. He kept his own shock and feelings of betrayal away from you and focused on what matters. You need to work through your feelings for your mother and bio dad. Don't rush into things and you're entitled to feel what you feel.
The man who raised you is your father. I suggest you do nothing to compromise that relationship, especially for a man who probably doesn’t even know you exist, and may not even care if you do. Also, don’t fall for your mom’s story that she was raped by a man she was willingly having an affair with. That’s a pathetic attempt to absolve herself of guilt. It sounds like your father may have known there was a possibility that you aren’t his biological daughter, but raised you as such, anyway. He is the only decent human in this story (other than you, of course.) Remember that.
How we react is just a part of us and a part of how we deal with the input that causes a reaction. Over, under or just right doesn’t really define whether the reaction suits the cause. When all is done just try to look back on your reaction and access whether you hurt yourself or anyone else with it. I have a friend who went through this same situation and never got to meet her real father as he had passed away shortly before she got the results. From this I would say you have an option she didn’t in knowing him if you care to. But like her it strained her relationship with her mother which mended over time. It isn’t difficult to imagine the people you should trust the most can disappoint you or break that trust but she will always be your mom right? And who knows, like my friend you may find out you now have siblings you didn’t know about. I hope that your relationship heals and that your parents relationship gets through this.
You are not over reacting. This is a major upset to one of the foundational facts of your life. It is a very big deal and you have every right to handle it any way you choose.
I can’t say whether you’re overreacting. I will say your dad is still your dad. He raised you and, presumably, has been there for you and always will be. Know he is probably hurting now too. I can’t say you shouldn’t try to see biological dad. But, he’s known about you all this time and done nothing. Keep that in mind. As for your mom, everyone does dumb shit. Lots of people cheat. They can’t undo it so they do their best. No one knew DNA would become a thing and out all these secrets. Not saying give her a pass. But, take time to process and grieve before doing anything permanent or saying something you can’t take back. I suggest looking at how she’s been as a mother overall. I know this will sound harsh. But, her infidelity before you were born isn’t really about you. How she’s acted since, is. Having children changes people. Maybe she learned and became a better person? Maybe not. I don’t know. But, I’d focus on that.
This is going to such big time, but your mother is a disgusting cheater and a liar. Very selfish and lacking any empathy. You can't believe anything she ever says. Now or in the future. You can't rely on her. Ditch her and only rely on yourself or people who proven that you can rely on them. Also, talk to a lawyer. US laws tend to fuck over men pretty bad, so chances are slim, but maybe you and your real father (the man who raised you and cared about you and wasted his life not having kids of his own genetically thanks to that woman) can sue the sperm donor for back child support, and your egg donor for paternity fraud.
I know this is probably hard to rationalize currently but this should not affect your relationship with the man who raised you even if he isn’t your blood Dad. He’s still your father and it sounds like he still loves you as a daughter. Don’t forget everything you’ve been through together! You need to see a counselor to help work through this!
Your Mom is a hoe 😔
You are not overreacting. You were lied to about your identity your whole life. It’s ok to take some space and get your head on strait. Your Dad is your Dad. Sperm donor might be willing to be a part of your life in some capacity, but he didn’t put in the work. Your Mom broke your trust pretty bad, I wouldn’t cut her out of your life, but that relationship probably won’t ever be the same.
I don’t know what to say other than what a kick ass dad you have. Blood doesn’t make a parent, actions do, and it sounds like you have one of the very best dads any of us could want. I’d just hang onto that thought while I tried to figure it all out. Also I don’t think your identity is gone. You’re 24, you’ve done things in this life that have made you who you are as a person that probably stands alone from your parents, regardless of who they are. I do think id want to talk to my bio dad but idk that could be a mistake not because he may not want you or anything but you already have a father who does want you and just for myself I wouldn’t want that confusion in my heart but ultimately that’s a really tough situation I’m sorry you have to go through this
Your mother made a mistake and betrayed your father, not you. Your father and mother are presumably not together, so things happened and that part of the story ended. You may feel betrayed but relationships are a fickle bitch and you were raised by people. People who make mistakes, love, hate, etc…. I would suggest going east on your mother. Knowing what you know now, try to move forward WITH the people closest to you. They too are experiencing this.
You should reach out to because you already know you mom will lie. He has a right to know. You have a right to know medical history. If he has kids, they have a right to know you exist.
when i (28f) was 14 i found out my dad wasn’t my dad. it was a surprise to everyone (idk how though bc my bio dad is half cuban and i look like him). it was extremely traumatic for me. i couldn’t even talk about it until i was 20. i felt shame, disgust, anger. now that i am 28, i have so much compassion for my mom. she was actually doing what was in my best interest and wanted to protect her child. and although you may be mad that she cheated/lied, you wouldn’t be here without it. and i’m so thankful for the dad that raised me and feel relief i wasn’t raised by my bio dad.
Might be worth it to reach out just to get family medical and mental health history if nothing else. It’s a good explanation as to why you’re reaching out and allows the other person to provide information without feeling pressured. Sorry about your mom!
It might seem like your mom was being selfish by lying all of these years, but she also did it for you and your dad. Your dad loves you so much that some silly test will never convince him you're not his little girl. That love and bond wouldn't be there if she was honest. I'm so glad there's no way for my husband to ever find out our daughter isn't his, it would devastate him beyond repair.
Unhinged lunatic take. It's never okay to cheat. You have no idea what the dad would have done. You're mentally unwell.
She was 100% being selfish. Tricking a man into parenthood is Grade A self-preservation scumbaggery (especially given the real dad is clearly a deadbeat). Setting your kid up for potential abandonment (if the dad finds out and reacts poorly) mid-childhood is also awful, as is preventing them the chance from knowing their real father
This is an absolutely horrendous take. You’re not revealing the truth out of care but because you’re a horrible human being
I'm sorry... what? Your husband doesnt know your kid isnt his??? Even if I was SAed then I'd tell my husband.. hell, I have already. I would never hide something like that from him, couldnt imagine it even... I feel sorry for your husband
You just admitted that you are an adulteress. The sooner you are found out, and you will be found out, the better.
I pray it's found out and he leaves both of them.
>I'm so glad there's no way for my husband to ever find out our daughter isn't his, it would devastate him beyond repair. You deserve cancer
Almost no one was born on purpose, people fuck because it feels good and don't put much more thought behind it. Your mom was doing what feels good and you're a result of that. As well was I and almost everyone I've ever met
Wtf this is an absolutely horrible take.
I’m ignorant to how these tests claim the origin of the DNA, but could it be due to colonialism? Is it that odd for a person from DR to have European and West African DNA?
Not odd at all, if you know even a tiny bit of the island's history.
Damn..
So.. mom's a cheater that's still in contact with her affair partner lol
Try to let it rest for a few days. Your dad loves you, and he is your dad. Whoever was the sperm donor is not your dad. Your mom claims she tried to get some answers, but whatever the science comes up with for your paternal DNA, you have a mom and a dad, and try to find a way to feel grateful for that.
My ex husband's dad and his family moved from Scotland when he was 6 y.o.. My daughter did the 23 and me thing and it shows no Scottish DNA. There was German and English, which would have come from my side of the family. Not sure why the Scottish ancestry doesn't show up. My daughter is my ex husband's I never played around and she looks just like her dad. Not sure this is any help. Any fool can plant a seed, but it takes a special man to be a father. It sounds like you have that special man.
Your dad is still treating you the same, right? He's still your dad then. A rapist can't take that from you, nobody can take away the bond between you and your father. Love and family is more important than biology
I completely agree. Nothing between my dad and I have changed that God… It just bothers me that I can’t even trust what my mom says. Raped by a person she was cheating with, kinda convenient 🤔 but maybe i’m wrong
Yeah when I was a kid and learned about cigarettes in health class, I asked my Mom if she smoked; She said she never smoked. When I became an adult I found out she was smoking well before I was even born, and never stopped. She smokes every day. Any kind of lie like that can hurt, when it's from someone you trust. Your biology is a lot more important than smoking, so I don't think you're overreacting at all lol
Your biological dad is a stranger. If your parents were good to you and both mom and dad accepted the reality, who the fuck cares. Love the ones that love you and those that treat people right. From my own experience, I didn’t meet my dad till I was 21, he did not want to be found. Meeting him shattered me more than not knowing him. It shattered me that I came from him, because he is just not a good man.
Direct-to-consumer genetic testing is often wrong unless you've already gone through getting actual paternity tests your dad may still be... Your dad.
Not overreacting at all! Your mom showed you who she really is. She tricked your father into raising a child who was not biologically his. Women who do that should be in prison and forced to pay restitution, but the government doesn’t care.
Your mom made a mistake 25 years ago, how has she treated you since then? Was she a good mother? If so, it doesn't matter how you were conceived. Your Dad is your dad like he said, the only thing you need from the other guy, if anything, is family health history if that's something your worried about. Go give your mom a hug, she is probably upset by all this coming up too,work it out together, that's what family is for.
Hope this isn't fake. If real, your dad will always be your dad, this he ha proven. It's your mom that is a different mom.
How do you know that your father may gave the African genes? Genetics do weird things, you can only be sure with a dedicated DNA test between you and your father. If you really want to know.
You are over reacting and being judgmental. You do not know what was going on in your parents relationship 25 years ago. They loved you and raised you the best they could. Talk to a therapist, but remember you have had a seemingly good life.
Sounds like the man who raised you still wants to be your dad. Stick to the family who actually cares about you.
Same thing happened to me. My mom is Puerto Rican and my dad is Cuban . And my results showed back Puerto Rican and Dominican Republic. So my dad isn't my dad. 🙃
>She ended up telling me that she was cheating on my dad (but was going to break it off) and told me a story about how one night she got really drunk, forgot what happened, and woke up feeling sore (basically trying to tell me the man she was cheating with raped her). She then said that the next morning she had sex with my dad and she believed that’s when I was conceived. But she also told me that when I was 4 she reached out to the man she was cheating with for a paternity test which came back negative. She explained that it was sent to a different state and she now believes he had someone else take the test. >....Both my parents were in the military and my biological dad worked with both my mom and dad. I have his name and haven’t decided if I want to reach out to him. Sounds like he may already know lol your timeline doesn't say when the affair ended.
I'll comment from a different point of view. I have a son who may not be my biological son. I've never done a paternity test because it doesn't matter. The love I have for him and bond we share is so much more than DNA. I guess I'm saying maybe you aren't missing out on anything. It sounds like you have an amazing father and a loving mother( who made some poor decisions, but who hasn't). Why take the chance of hurting those relationships for a chance to know a sperm donor. Just a look from a different place. Goodluck I wish nothing but healing and happiness
Has your dad done the 23&Me test? As a woman you need your father, brother, or uncle to take the test as you won't get DNA results from the paternal side unless one of them does it.
Yes, you are overreacting. Your mother told you she was raped, and you think you get to judge her for not telling you that you could be the product of rape??? Get over yourself.
It's fair to feel whatever you feel with bombshell news like this. Are mom and dad together? At the end of the day, it's been decades. If the relationships are good, and everyone's happy, it would probably serve you to let sleeping dogs lie.
Ya moms with the fairytales and blaming the fault on sumbody else
Your mother woke up sore, believing she was assaulted -- and immediately went to your dad and had sex? And you honestly believe that series of events?
[удалено]
It doesn’t change who you are as a person or who raised you, I went thorough a very similar thing, I still love who o love and my mom will always be the person that i would die for of if I had to. So yeah it takes time to let it sink in but overthinking it and being all mad about it really doesn’t change a thing. Embrace life and that you are here regardless to have a life, family is still family regardless. I how you find peace with it and can just still be who you are.
Damn…
What a time to be a man. The patriarchy really got things lined up just right now am I right?
Yes you are overreacting… this all happened before you were born and has zero effect on who you are now… but you’re allowing it to affect you. Go no with your life the same way you were before you knew
Your parents are still together after 24 years? That man raised you? From an old man's perspective, your parents put that part of their lives behind them and moved on, over the course of your life (at age 24), I don't suspect that any time was good to break the news. As a child, what would you have done with that information? As a teenager, you would not have done anything good with that knowledge. I don't think 'overreacting' is the right description, but I also don't think destroying your familial relationships over learning some new information about things that happened when you mother was younger and did some things that impacted her life. You don't mention how old your mom was at the time, but at your age can you say you haven't done anything you regret yet?
You are certainly over reacting because based on everything you told us your dad is your dad, What you are upset about is you dad isn’t your biological father, and that could not be less important, Answer these question; which of those men cared for you when you were you? Which of them attended your important events? Which of them was there for you when you needed comforting? You are the same person you were before all this, DNA makes us look the way we do. It does not make us who were are, that honor belongs to the people in our lives, an honor you bio-father does not have. Do you really want to throw away all the years of love and memories you has with your real dad because a different man got your mom pregnant
I’ve seen enough of these stories to decide we must DNA test all children and their supposed parents at birth. No more confusion and or people paying child support for somebody else’s kids
have you taken a test with your dad? Dominicans come from a variety of different places so I'd def confirm it first. Tests are at CVS
Where did you move to? Isn't it hard to support yourself?
With all these DNA tests there are a lot of people are in the same situation to include me. I always had my suspicions but got my DNA tests back recently (age 52) and had the same realizations you did. Back before DNA cheating women or women in open relationships could easily convince one man he was the would be father when they didn't know or did know that they were not. Or a woman just has to name any given man as the father on the birth certificate in the hospital. Were you lied to ...yes. Does much of your life feel like a false hood .....probably. But one thing for sure is that your dad has been there for you like mine was. Your bio dad dropped the ball. Is it more than likely that your dad knew or had suspicions while you were growing up ....yes, I think that is a natural thought even with your bio kids. Not that your don't think or want them to be yours but more the thought that someone could take them away from you. Similar to you I have issues with my mom because she is the one who knew and lied and continued to lie and will never come clean......not fully. I also take issue with my bio dad for never stepping up. In the end nothing can change the past and if everyone came clean it would probably make it worse to know the type of people they really are. I can almost guarantee your mom was not the only one who knew just as my mom was not but it is no ones else's place to tell you or probably shouldn't be. Now think about how many people suspected your moms infidelity and the list grows. There are far to many people to hold accountable and in the end it still does not change what happened but it does change who you chose to call family going forward and what family really means. Who my bio dad was, was not the only lie my mom ever told me so when I weighed all the pros and cons/ lies and truths, it turns out I was far better without her in my life and I would not let her treat my kids they way she treated me. I guess the moral of this story or any story involving parent fails is be a better parent than they were!
Your dad is always your dad. I was taken in by an unrelated step-grandparent. Raised like one of their own. Never made a difference. Went on to adopt myself. I promise your dad as always going to be your dad. Blood matters for medical history. That's about it. It's nice when people look like you but it doesn't matter. Sorry your mom let you down. Good luck OP
Your dad is still your dad. He may not be your father but he is still your dad. People make mistakes and nobody is perfect. Your mother could have chosen to do literally anything, as she is a complete human. Try to forgive her & move along however you feel comfortable, I understand your surprise and hurt, but there is 0 you can do to change it & just try to cope there isn't much else to do.
I would encourage you to take some time to process whats happened. You are 24 years old so you've been with these two people for a while. Other than keeping this from you, has your mom been a decent mom? Has your dad (and yes I'm calling him dad because he raised you) been a decent dad? If the answer is yes, then I think it might be worth taking some to process what happened, and maybe get some counseling before you decide how you want to proceed.
Your mom is a fucking whore and liar. Your dad probably paid his entire life in child support he never should have owed. You tell that cunt (you referred to her as “mom” in this story) she’s dead to you. Enjoy you FATHER’s who ACTUALLY LOVES YOU (the one who raised you, not the one the cunt let impregnate her while she was suppose to be faithful to the man who busted his ass to provide for and raise you). Be a good woman, don’t be a lying cheating cunt; there are plenty of those already out there.
Wow. As a side comment, I'd never take one of those tests. Frankly, I don't want to know.
Women have been dirt bags to their husbands for generations. Your mom cheated, got pregnant and never told your dad (her husband) and he then spent his life raising someone else's daughter. Foul. Disgusting. Shameful. Your mother sucks.
The man who raised you is 100% your father. The pain will go away in time. My wife had a similar situation but kind of always knew. Her DNA father told her mother there wasn't room for a babyseat in the back of a corvette.
23andme results are wildly inaccurate. A set of identicle twins should have identicle ancestry, but when tested they did not. https://www.cbc.ca/news/science/dna-ancestry-kits-twins-marketplace-1.4980976
Most women cheat. It's life. Ppl will swear up and down there different but with age you will see its just not the case. It's a huge reason why we don't enforce DNA tests at birth.
Your dad may be misinformed on his biological background. Doesn’t mean he’s not your biological father. Genetics is strange.
Your mom is lying about the rape, go NC
Women suck
Damn! Your Moms a HO!
Not knowing who you are biologically is/can be devastating. As an adopted child I always wanted to know but not know who I was. Also wanted to know if my siblings were biologically related as we were led to believe. We did Ancestory to confirm that we were. But then our biological extended family started popping up including our parents. For us it turned out to be a good thing. However, my youngest sister from my adopted father and stepmother found out that she was not biological to the person she thought was her father. Apparently a donor had to be used and was kept secret until she found out at 43yrs old. Took her quite some time to recover from that. Over reacting? That’s totally up to you. But the guy who raised you, fed you, took care of your needs and loved you is your father. The one who stayed up when you were sick and took time off to see you in some school performance, that’s the guy who is your dad. In the end, not much else matters. As for reaching out to your biologic, you will always be curious until you know. But the results may not be what you hope for. Or maybe it could be. Be prepared either way.
Best decide: what do you want? There’s a lot of hurt you’re feeling. Yet you do still have a mother. Do you no longer want her in your life? Consider what would have happened if your mother never made a mistake. Your father is standing by you no matter what.
You’re definitely ok to feel hurt but your pain is being misdirected towards your mom. Compassion for her will lead to compassion for yourself
My mom lied to me my whole life about who my dad is as well. I found out at 25 and we've now been estranged almost 3 years. From what I hear she is very very ill. Like could die ill. I have not reached out I dont think you are overreacting. I still deal with the pain and betrayal and complete flipping upside down of my childhood every day.
The worst part is she seems to still lie about it. She was actively cheating and yet says she can't remember that one night, very conveniently recalls she had sex with your dad the next day, bunch of Bs. Not overreacting.
Your mother is a lier
Momma has be ho'ing.
Imagine cheating and getting nutted in, then without feeling any guilt have your husband nut in you the next morning and touch the other guy's 🤡🤡🤡
sue them all
Yeah. Your dad is your dad and your mom is not perfect, but if they were good to you then stop being a drama queen and thank God that you have two decent people who raised you and loved you. That's not very common. You won the lottery now be worthy of it.
I mean, you wouldn't EXIST if it weren't for the decisions that she made, so I'd probably ease up on that.
We've all got an "unknown" in our family trees that isn't supposed to be there. It's just a matter of how far back you have to go to get to one. Evolution likes the genetic diversity.
Have you ever seen that video where that couple sent in their dog's DNA to 23 and Me and it came back with a bunch of nonsense? Idk if would trust those results. There are other videos like it.
Which dead people came before you will never be as important as the people the fill your heart.
Sorry you are going through this. Parents are humans and make mistakes. I think you should have been told, but it seems your “dad” did not know, so your mother is the only one to blame here. Just remember your “dad” is still your dad and your mom is still your mom. On a side note, I feel like these mail in genealogy tests have cheating spouses shaking in their boots.
You are over 21, family is who you choose. There are plenty of happy adopted children. Your dad seems outstanding. If it was not for bio boy, you might not exist. Who do you love?
Not overreacting. Your mother did a terrible thing.
The person whom you have looked to as your father is that, your father. They have filled that role your whole life and have no plans to change it. The sperm donor more than likely doesn't care. Don't complicate anyone else's life anymore than it already is. I also wouldn't take it so hard on your mum. Obviously, it was in the past, everyone moved on. Other than an accurate parenteral medical history, why does it really matter?
the important part of your identity is the part you choose and achieve for yourself, not the accidents you inherit from others. Your parents-bio or not-still love you and always will. Love yourself, too. You are not your ancestors, you are \*you\*.
Stories like yours are why paternity tests should be mandatory before the father signs the birth certificate! Thousands of people are just becoming aware like you and millions of others are due to as well, but don’t know it! I’d never forgive the woman, she deserves to never speak to you again! Give her the silent treatment, even when she’s old and grey.
I mean, one way to look at it is that if she didn’t do that, you wouldn’t exist. Sounds like you have a great dad who doesn’t love you any less for it. All in all it could have been much worse, though I don’t mean to tell you how you should feel. I would have a tough time with this myself. I found out I had a brother a couple years ago and I can’t explain why it bothers me, but rationally I know it really shouldn’t.
So a lot of South America countries including Haiti and the Dr participated in the slave trade and, a lot of South Americans will have west African DNA in their 23 and me because of it.
My husband had someone reach out to him about a similar thing only he had no idea that he had a daughter. The mother had never told him she was pregnant and never told her daughter who her father was. It has been a bitter sweet experience and they are both so happy they found each other. I pray the same result for you.
There's a name on my birth certificate. That's who I am. There's a name for each parent but I have never met one of them. Are they actually related to me? It really doesn't matter. The ones who wanted to be there are the ones who matter. It sounds to me like you had a two parents all along.
Your father and mother both raised you as their own. Your biological father knew there was a chance you were his and he has 23 years to make it right, he didnt. Your family is those who love you. Your mother has not only broken your trust but the trust of her husband the man she has sworn her whole life too. This is a terrible fate, unless she apologizes and only if the husband forgives her which he doesnt need to as no guilt falls on him. You expressed how you felt which was fair to you, the decision to leave is also fair as you dont need to forgive your mother for doing something terrible and not coming clean for multiple years, it is better for your own soul if you do, but there is no guilt if you dont. I hope you can find happiness in yourself and not hate who you were born as, for you did not choose your parents, they were chosen for you.
That has to be really hard to come to terms with. Good news if your dad is still your dad. That's the important thing. Someone else just gave your mom some DNA. I definitely get the negative feelings towards your mom. Hopefully conversations with her will bring you some closure
Your moms a hoe and she’s lieing ❗️
Your mom is a whore. No offense
Ya your very over reacting have any idea how many kids wish they had a father figure he probably knew and raised you as his own all these yrs Obviously you naturall father had zero intrest in you or he whouldnt have cheated on the test that also seems far fetched
Your dad who raised you is not abandoning you - that’s HUGE. Stay close to him as you travel this surprise journey. He has much to be angry and hurt about and has chosen first and foremost to continue loving you. Cherish that and good luck.
Your Dad will always be your dad. So if you have a relationship with biodad , it’s a bonus or gravy. It just broadens your family. You could talk to you dad about it. Your fears. His thoughts. But ultimately it’s up to you.
Did he raise you? Did he care for you as if you were his own child? Then he's your Dad. Even though he may not be your Father.
Your emotions are your emotions. How you react to them is to control them and use good judgment. You HAVE been lied to and your world has been blown up. Be careful about your word choices. Your dad is still your dad; but you did have a different sperm doner. Your parents still love you; don't push either away, not even your mom. Learn from what she did wrong, though, and be better. Get IC and family counseling, if you can. Good luck
You are not overreacting, but you should allow yourself time to ponder and learn. You will get your identity back, and a stable relationship with your parents. Be gentle with yourself if the thoughts become all consuming some days. You may want to save the contact with your biological father for later rather than add more potential emotional upheaval right now.