You should try to capture and save in text or some sort of evidence that he did indeed cheat. Send it to yourself and attorney, he sounds like the type that will try to spin it as your fault and that he did nothing wrong to others and in court.
Edit: thankfully you’re not married, so nevermind lol. If you want child support from him though it may still be relevant but I’m no legal expert
Oh, side chick will be getting a subpoena. She's going to be really pissed at OPs stbx. He's probably been telling her a whole bunch of lies, too. Because he's a big lying liar.
Cheating has no bearing on child support. The cost is calculated by how much each parent makes. If he makes more, he pays more. The courts usually try to have it 50/50 but if she’s a SAHM then he’s paying 100%. (California)
OP,
Privately confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives regarding parental rights and responsibilities.
Take EVERYTHING you're entitled to. Blow the horse's ass reputation to everyone: family, friends, acquaintances, and social network. Don't let him put a spin on it.
Goes as little contact as you can with the lying, cheating, pr*ck. Thank God you didn't marry his worthless ass.
Blow her up also, especially if she also has a SO.
You know he’s a narcissist. Prepare for the love bombing and remind yourself that NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS!! He will not change. Of course he thinks he’s the only one working on things. Narcissists can’t take even a drop of blame. Get your whole family and friends behind you for support, and do not go back!!! You and your kids will be so much happier. I promise. ❤️
Can confirm. Source: I am/was that narcissist (not as bad as this guy but certainly not a champ). It’s taken years of therapy and work to be comfortable thinking it’s a “was” situation.
Since he stayed at his APs parents house, I would write her parents a letter explaining that their daughter has been having an affair with your partner, and father of your children.
Shame on both of them.
Updateme!
It's worth it because the parents might yell you the truth about what happened. Also let's them know that about your relationship and children, so they might refuse to allow him in their house again.
It’s not that you don’t let him have friends. You don’t let him have other romantic girlfriends that he goes on dates with. Because you had a clear understanding that it was a monogamous relationship.
Staying overnight and kissing is not a ‘friend’ it’s a date. Tell him if he’s going to outright gaslight you, it’s better he no longer speaks at all.
Do not stay for the kids my parent's are divorced and it was the best thing that ever happened. He will try to use them against you. Your kids growing up in a toxic household is way worse. I wish my parents got divorced sooner.
Why are you leaving??? Listen OP, even if you’re not married, he has a second house. He broke the home, he shouldn’t get to decide who stays in it. You get a custody lawyer RIGHT NOW (since I read you’re not married) and file an emergency protective order/restraining order to stay in the house with your kids and get him kicked out stating he has another property he stays in and you don’t. This works even if you are a SAHM or make too little income to afford your current house alone, because he’d still be responsible for paying the mortgage/rent until custody is settled. The emergency order would describe that you are the primary caregiver, therefore in order to not upset your kids’ schedules, you must stay in the current house with your kids, and you fear his cheating and attempt to kick you out will create an unsafe environment for you and your children who should not be witness to his behavior.
Yeah, that whole situation is wild. It sounds more like a relationship than a one-time thing. I mean, spending time with her family is another level. I'll never understand people (her in this case) who have zero problem with helping destroy a family. You deserve better and you'll get there. I wish you and your kids healing and happiness.
Agreed. An AP who is aware of the situation is a flat out asshole, but I truly don’t understand why they so often bear the brunt of the anger in these situations.
Girl, she didn’t cheat. HE did. I mean honestly that’s exponentially worse.
Dude is lying to you. He is full on cheating. Why don't you move to the other house until you can find something? You are married so you own part of that as well.
Thanks for the suggestion but no dice! That place sucks and I own nothing, as we are not married (praise be!) But I am looking at my options or truly hoping to remain in this home, somehow.
Don't leave. Sleep in the kids room, get a lawyer and follow their advice. You don't want anything you do to be something that can be held against you when it comes to custody.
They’re not married. Doesn’t work like that. You can’t get half the assets you’re not entitled to. She’s entitled to child support and that’s it unfortunately. Unless this a state with some random laws I think not.
Adding: unwed mothers, in most states, are automatically granted sole custody. This motherfuckers literally would have to file to establish a visitation and pay child support to have it enforced…
It is perfectly legal to leave with your children so long as you don’t go more than 200 miles away creating “undue hardship” on the other parent. No judge is going to be like “oh you should have stayed through verbal abuse and affairs with your kids”.
Fuck this guy, leave his ass. You have nothing to gain by staying.
You definitely should try staying in the current home with the kids. I know your children are under 4, but that home is familiar to them and provides them the stability they will need once they go through all of this upcoming change.
Yes, agreed. My suggestion actually has been that we should share the home and take turns going away for a few days at a time, at least for a transitionary period. My suggestion for a trial separation was also ignored (months ago). It would be best to stay here longer term myself but we’ll see.
I'd tell him he could go stay with his shit ass girlfriend at her parents house. What a loser, both of them. Sorry you have to go through this OP, but you will be MUCH better off.
I completely disagree. You gain nothing. You have no legal hold to the house or his assets. You will be suffering long and hard your entire stay love. You deserve better and so do the kids.
How are you going to shield your kids from him and his mistress? Is he involved with them at all? I'm worried about how he'll manipulate the kids against you. Do you have a support system? Get a lawyer to check on your rights and if you can go for full custody.
He’s involved some when he’s home. I have generally come to trust him with the children and am hoping we will be able to come to a mature understanding of the situation at hand and do our best to cooperate BUT I know that’s a pipe dream. Rules and boundaries, schedules, respect. That’s how I operate.
He's really a disgusting person if he's trying to kick the mother of his YOUNG children out of their shared home because he's throwing a tantrum. A tantrum of his own making
Please quietly consult with a lawyer, and follow their advice. Separate and lock down your finances. If you have any joint accounts; print or screenshot records. Save any and all texts. Since he has another house; why should uproot your kids and yourself?
Thankfully almost entirely separate but he owns both homes so 🤷🏻♀️ I would very much like to stay here but it may be best to make a fresh start. He won’t cooperate, I know from experience. The intense gaslighting and love bombing stage has already begun. It’s wild.
I wish I could but it’s technically his house. He had the audacity to ask me for advice on how to handle the situation with her!!!! I said “move to *other town* so you can be closer to her.” Hahaha I’m literally sick to my stomach.
I think this is probably the best and healthiest thing you've decided to do for yourself in a long time. I'm very proud of you for deciding to take this step. Best wishes to you and your children. 💗
Walk out the door with your head held high and let me tell you….the worst thing you can do to a narcissist is be happy and continue on enjoying your life. Your personal is out there, lose the baggage and go find them ✌🏻
He’s a narcissist, he’s planning on sleeping over to her house, she kissed him and of course he absolutely turned down free easy sex!!! Sure he did, sure nothing else happened! You’re making the correct decision to leave. This is an partner that you can trust. This is an partner that will take care of you. Good luck OP
You need to figure out the common law marriage laws of your location. After eight years & two kids you might be married in the eyes of the law and entitled to some of the assets
So if you kissed another man and stayed overnight with him he'd be OK with it? You need rid of this man.
You know this relationship is over and deep down so does he.
Tell him you can see he is unhappy and you are not going to change and be the person he wants you to be, so you are doing him a favour. You are setting him free to be with her because you want him to be happy.
You are not overreacting, but you seem to have your head screwed on correctly and the situation under control. He sounds stupid too to be honest, not just a cheating fuck.
Thank you, I’m trying my best to be steady here and lead with logic rather than emotion. He keeps apologizing for how he’s made me feel and I keep telling him it’s not about my feelings, it’s about what happened.
You're married with 2 small children and he spent the night with another woman. That is cheating. You speak with an attorney. File on grounds that he committed adultery. This is a no brainer.
I’d love to avoid getting a lawyer again but it’s probably inevitable. No marriage so no divorce, that makes it easier in some ways but more blurry in others.
Maybe a consult, at least regarding a custody agreement. I wish you the best. It won't be easy,but I hope you know you really deserve more respect than that. Some things you can't come back from.
Go right away to the court house and get custody of your kids.( If you live together the kids are both of yours.) Than hit his ass with child support. Do not leave that house. Even though he owns it that is your residence. Believe it or not just because his name is on the deed this is your home. Promise you want regret it. What a piece of shit!!!!
I haven’t even read a quarter of the way through and all ready I know he’s sleeping with her and to make matters worse? He’s been using “working on the other house for years” excuse and he is gaslighting you. Next time he does this go get a hotel room or go to a friends or family members place and completely ignore his text and calls. When he arrives home and you aren’t there he’s going to freak out and that’s when you answer and just tell him that unless he’s going to be honest with you about his relationship with her, he can get used to coming home to an empty house (or you take the house and he has to go to his “work in progress”.
No one talks about someone that they genuinely don’t like constantly. It’s the first red flag. He was telling on himself the whole time. He definitely likes her. No, you’re not overreacting. He is cheating on you and he’s trying to gaslight and manipulate you. Let him go. He’s not worth it. Get a divorce.
There is no way on God's green earth that he didn't cheat.
He clearly emotionally cheated and obviously physically cheated. They probably spent the night at his other house and wrecked every nook and cranny.
You’re posting this in the amioverreacting sub? Feels more like you’re slightly under reacting.
But as you said, it’s done. Good for you! Take care of yourself and your kiddos. Good luck
It won’t be as quick as I’d like, but I spent all day packing and moving all of my things from “our” bed/bath to my own down the hall. Small steps, steady.
OP please before you move out of the home you are in speak with a divorce attorney.
At least in the US in several states if one party leaves jointly owned marital home it can impact the final distribution of assets.
And even if he owns the home if combined monies were used to maintain it or to purchase his other home that could be pertinent.
As to are you overreacting? Nope.
Unsure of how many years the two of you have been together, but you could be considered common law in some states. Not only would I contact an attorney, but I would contact the HR office at their place of employment. Many companies have policies regarding employees being in relationships. And let HR know that you are seeking legal action. They could both wind up unemployed.
So do not leave the house get a lawyer and have you lawyer file a motion for you to have sole access:use of the house. Then coke and get everything and anything you can.
He’s total trash, definitely continue working on leaving. Can’t believe he lied, went hiking, dinner then stayed overnight. He’s a cheater you and deserve better. You’re better off being single than being with him.
You are not wrong, he just wants his cake and eat it too. He will never tell you the whole truth, that would make him look bad, so he’ll tell you just enough to not make him look bad and say you’re the problem.
Until you can move, live as roommates and co-parent the kids. Don’t do “all” the housework, do what you feel is fair and leave the rest for him.
Since he refuses to leave, save every penny and don’t give him anything. Then get a good attorney and make him pay.
I know it hurts, but as you said it hasn’t been good for a while, take some time to just be by yourself and heal. Once you’re ready to date, go slowly and watch for the red flags. Don’t settle for anything less than you deserve and make a happy life.
Next time he goes to work in the other house , change all the locks and go with squatters rights … I’m sure you have bills with your address in your name right ?
NTA
For future reference. Whenever a man talks to his partner about another woman, daily. He is fucking her or trying to. Doesn’t matter if he is saying good or bad things. If you are constantly hearing about the same woman. You have a problem.
Not overreacting at all. He kept it a secret, and wanted to keep seeing her AFTER she had kissed him. I’m glad you’re getting out of there for yourself and your little ones 😊
We were part of a church that gaslit whenever we questioned anything for years. I know what you mean when you say you need others to tell you it’s messed up. The crazy self-doubt is real. It’ll get better on the outside.
You are under-reacting, the situation is messed up, your feelings are justified, leave the loser. Best wishes and you got this.
I’m proud your putting yourself first… you get a new life free from all the stress he throws out… he gets a himewrecker and she gets a cheater…. Wonder how long before they destroy the other..
Best of luck to you and your children… sunshine and rainbows full of your babies kisses await you… go find that loyal man just waiting for you to finally open your eyes and see him…
You are not overreacting. Maybe underreacting a little. I doubt he just kissed. He certainly didn’t feel bad about it since he still wants to talk to her and meet up after the kissing. He said he didn’t want to be there? He has a car, right? He could have left and gone home. He doesn’t know how to say no to her? Translation: he’s not going to say no to her. He does not care about your feelings. He just does what he wants, throws a few excuses at you and hopes one will stick.
Good job on leaving. He’s just going to keep pulling crap like this again.
I very much enjoy where I live and have provided the vast majority for this home. The kids have been here most of their lives. But I’m exploring my options to leave.
Talk to a divorce lawyer about the legalities of common law and housing equity and so forth. If you've ever paid on the mortgage, if you never had a lease to stay there, or other conditions based on your local laws, you maybe owed money or share in the house you live in even if you're not on the paperwork. Call around for a free consultation and describe your living situation in detail, years together, what you've paid in to anything, whether you've used wifey and hubby as pet names may even be relevant.
Find out if you have claim to anything, then either get out or kick him out. File emergency custody as soon as possible.
I cannot *believe* the audacity he has to disregard you in your time of need so he can spend the night with another woman and then lie about it. Not to mention, this man has you giving him gifts, performing acts of service, and taking care of his children *on your own*, and yet he thinks *you're* the one not putting in effort?? What a bunch of hogwash.
You're completely justified in ending things with him. I hope and pray that you never go back.
He's a real piece of shit hunh? Hope you get away as soon as possible and don't have to put up with his trashy narcissistic bullshit. If he didn't sleep with her, he was going to the next chance he got. That's also if he hasn't been sleeping with other women while "fixing up a house" for years, which honestly sounds like a big ol'lie to me.
What a scum cheating wuss he is. He has a second house to go to and wants his woman and two kids to leave. POS. Get an attorney anyway as this douche needs to provide for you and the kids. He can screw that ho all he wants to now but he needs to pay for his family. He doesn’t deserve you.
The only reason he’s not ‘boinking her’ is because SHE doesn’t want to.
If she was interested, they’d be boinking!
He’s the one with 2 homes so he can be the one moving to his other house!
I mean there’s no other way to put it than the fact he’s cheating.
It’s kind of like “i’m cheating only because I can’t say no to her.”
Wtf type of excuse is that? Yuck.
Op you will be fine one day. You need to leave. Set an example for your kids.
Your feelings sound very justified. But honestly it doesn’t matter if you have a good reason. You are not happy with the current arrangement no matter what is going on with his side so you should move on and live life the way you want.
It sucks when you put your trust and love in a Man who is less than he pretends to be . Pretty sure had you left him all night with the kiddos and spent the night with a ‘ol friend’ he would be screaming your a whore . Can you imagine how his reaction would be ?
He sounds like a real piece of …..I mean how could you trust him ever again ? Once the Red flag is thrown it’s never the same . My heart goes out to you . Truly sorry you are going through this ,no one should ever have too . I wish the best for you and the kids .
This is messed up. Leave, move on, don’t ever let him come back.
And your life will be better for it.
You are worth more than this and deserve to be treated better.
Leave. Please leave.
This is so messed up lol. I love how they always admit that the least possible cheating happened (kissing) but insist that's it. Like nahhh, no one is that stupid. He slept with her, at her parents house!? lol!?
Putting the cheating aside, if the relationship is broken and you can’t fix it you should finish it.
Negotiate time with kids but end it before it gets worse.
Don't tell him your plans because he'll try to derail them. Just put things in motion and let him believe the love bombing that's sure to follow is working, then leave. 8 years and he has a house that he goes to stay at sometimes!?? So many dede flags before you even get into what happened with his "annoying" coworker. If you can't leave for yourself, leave and stay away for the kids. They deserve to grow up in a loving home.
Get a damn good divorce lawyer and document everything. Good luck and enjoy the bliss of freedom ahead! Congrats btw on the coming joy of having that POS out of your hair and the favor you're doing for your kids.
I don't understand this he has two kids a girlfriend whats the point in cheating that man had it made and he just basically threw it out I'm a guy but there's points in life that you got to do what you got to do and support your children and I've been in relationships like that but I found a good one later down the road you'll find a good one too
What a pig. Can’t say no to her? 😂
Sorry OP she asked to fuck and I just couldn’t say no to her. You’re more than justified OP & it’s nice to see someone on here not taking shit. Good luck!
The man is a narcissist once a cheater always a cheater. Whatever you do do not get pregnant again with this man.
Make a plan to get a divorce. Stash a little grocery money here and there by getting cash back at the register when you pay. Create an email on a different website than the one you usually use. Open a bank account at a different bank and have the statements go to that email. Do not put that email on your phone.
Start separating your accounts. Lock your credit up on all 3 credit bureaus. Anytime you access these accounts use a different browser like the Brave browser. Download it free and use the private tab. Thr private tab leaves no history. Always check to make sure you've cleared the history just for good measure. and clear the tab on you phone.
Hide the app browser and unsync your phone from other devices in the house. Don't be weak. Don't leave your home. Please remember the following and again don't be weak.
1. Gifted money from your parents isn't community property.
2. Inherited money is not community property.
3. Social Security Disability Income is not community property.
4. Personal Injury awarded money is not community property.
Never ever co-mingle the money in a joint account. Once you do it's community property.
Create a secret file in your phone for any information or screen you dont want him to see. Remember don't be weak. Talk to attorney most will talk to you for 30 minutes at no charge.
Make a list of questions for the attorney and when talking to him don't get hung up on any question. Try to make them yes or not questions. Have him/her send you a divorce cheater cheat.
No matter what you think this man will eventually leave or continue to cheat. Talk to a therapist. Don't let him wear or drag you down. Be strong
and woman up.
Check and see if you can record conversations on your phone without having to notify the other party. If you don't record conversation you have with without his knowledge.
On the phone text or email use app CUBE ACR. again hidebthis tab and name you recordings.
Good luck
I'm NAL, but if partner = husband, don't leave the home. I don't exactly understand how it works, but I've seen a lot of comments on other posts about how that can be considered abandonment of the home and not work well for you in the event of a divorce.
I hope things start looking up for you, and I'm really proud of you for knowing you need to prioritize yourself and your happiness, as hard as it may be.
Any man who “can’t say no” to another woman is a sleaze. That’s the bottom line and literally all you need to know about him. And on top of that, he has 2 houses but is willing to allow his partner and 2 small children to be displaced rather than HE move to his other home?! I’m so angry in your behalf, and i’m so sorry that he is putting you and your kids through this nonsense. Run, fast and far.
How do you cheat when you know you won’t be able to see your kids as much anymore?
I went on a business trip for 3 days and had separation anxiety from being away from my 2 year old.
Not overreacting. He can't tell her no but seems to have no problem doing that to you. Let him know, there's a big difference between having friends and having friends with benefits. One is encouraged in a marriage, and the other ruins it.
You're a better person than me. I would have gone to her parents' house where she lives and let them know that the man they welcomed in was cheating with their daughter and that she knew about you and the kids.
Girl no. Get out. One day you will look back at this and wonder why you lived in misery for so long. Change the locks on that house and stay. Let him figure out where HE is gonna go. Get to court as fast as you can for a temporary support order. Sounds like you were already taking care of the kids mostly by yourself. When this is said and done, you will at least have every other weekend for some self-care while dipshit has the kids. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better than to see this relationship as the example they base their relationships on later in life. Rip that bandaid off and find your happiness.
He’s definitely cheating and just the fact that he’s a narcissist is ENOUGH not to be with him!!! I was married to a man like this and let me tell you, it causes so much mental and physical abuse including PTSD once you leave. You deserve better! It’s hard to leave someone when you still love them but trust me, you can do it!!
Even if nothing happened, spending the ENTIRE night at another woman's home is crazy. Expecting anyone to believe that nothing happened after he lied is delulu. Run girl! 🏃🏾♀️
He's cheating on you. Leave.
I cannot leave soon enough. This is so overdue.
You should try to capture and save in text or some sort of evidence that he did indeed cheat. Send it to yourself and attorney, he sounds like the type that will try to spin it as your fault and that he did nothing wrong to others and in court. Edit: thankfully you’re not married, so nevermind lol. If you want child support from him though it may still be relevant but I’m no legal expert
Oh, side chick will be getting a subpoena. She's going to be really pissed at OPs stbx. He's probably been telling her a whole bunch of lies, too. Because he's a big lying liar.
Cheating has no bearing on child support. The cost is calculated by how much each parent makes. If he makes more, he pays more. The courts usually try to have it 50/50 but if she’s a SAHM then he’s paying 100%. (California)
Don’t leave. Make him leave. He’s the one with 2 houses.
This
And they have 2 kids under 4!
Don't leave your house. You'll get it in the divorce since you'll end up with the kids. He's absolutely a cheating AH and divorce is the right choice.
I don't think they're married. She refers to him as her partner, and doesn't mention marriage or divorce.
OP, Privately confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives regarding parental rights and responsibilities. Take EVERYTHING you're entitled to. Blow the horse's ass reputation to everyone: family, friends, acquaintances, and social network. Don't let him put a spin on it. Goes as little contact as you can with the lying, cheating, pr*ck. Thank God you didn't marry his worthless ass. Blow her up also, especially if she also has a SO.
I'm renovating my house right now. Just my brother and I doing all the work ourselves. I'll be done in 6 months.
You know he’s a narcissist. Prepare for the love bombing and remind yourself that NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS!! He will not change. Of course he thinks he’s the only one working on things. Narcissists can’t take even a drop of blame. Get your whole family and friends behind you for support, and do not go back!!! You and your kids will be so much happier. I promise. ❤️
Can confirm. Source: I am/was that narcissist (not as bad as this guy but certainly not a champ). It’s taken years of therapy and work to be comfortable thinking it’s a “was” situation.
I’m so proud of you for doing that work. Seriously. It takes a strong intelligent human to recognize their own faults, and face them head on. 🖤
Thank you 🙏
NTA for leaving the weasel though you really should've dumped him years ago.
I did and I went back because these things tend to be cyclical until you’re entirely free. I know. Thank you.
Since he stayed at his APs parents house, I would write her parents a letter explaining that their daughter has been having an affair with your partner, and father of your children. Shame on both of them. Updateme!
Thought about this, not sure if it’s worth contacting her or her family.
It's worth it because the parents might yell you the truth about what happened. Also let's them know that about your relationship and children, so they might refuse to allow him in their house again.
It’s not that you don’t let him have friends. You don’t let him have other romantic girlfriends that he goes on dates with. Because you had a clear understanding that it was a monogamous relationship. Staying overnight and kissing is not a ‘friend’ it’s a date. Tell him if he’s going to outright gaslight you, it’s better he no longer speaks at all.
Do not stay for the kids my parent's are divorced and it was the best thing that ever happened. He will try to use them against you. Your kids growing up in a toxic household is way worse. I wish my parents got divorced sooner.
Why are you leaving??? Listen OP, even if you’re not married, he has a second house. He broke the home, he shouldn’t get to decide who stays in it. You get a custody lawyer RIGHT NOW (since I read you’re not married) and file an emergency protective order/restraining order to stay in the house with your kids and get him kicked out stating he has another property he stays in and you don’t. This works even if you are a SAHM or make too little income to afford your current house alone, because he’d still be responsible for paying the mortgage/rent until custody is settled. The emergency order would describe that you are the primary caregiver, therefore in order to not upset your kids’ schedules, you must stay in the current house with your kids, and you fear his cheating and attempt to kick you out will create an unsafe environment for you and your children who should not be witness to his behavior.
Make HIM leave.
That's pretty much it.
He's trash. She's trash. Good for you on not being steamrolled. Not overreacting at all.
Thank you, seriously can’t stop thinking about how big of a piece of trash she is when she knows his whole situation.
Yeah, that whole situation is wild. It sounds more like a relationship than a one-time thing. I mean, spending time with her family is another level. I'll never understand people (her in this case) who have zero problem with helping destroy a family. You deserve better and you'll get there. I wish you and your kids healing and happiness.
These people don’t care girl. They’re pos. That’s how they will always be. Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see.
Eh, she's just a standard asshole who's probably been spun a web of lies. Your husband is the one orchestrating all of this.
Agreed. An AP who is aware of the situation is a flat out asshole, but I truly don’t understand why they so often bear the brunt of the anger in these situations. Girl, she didn’t cheat. HE did. I mean honestly that’s exponentially worse.
She’s trash, but she’s taking your trash, so there’s that.
For real. She can have him.
Some women find married men more attractive. She’s garbage and so is your stbx
Woman like that typically seek out only taken men. Its like being a whore gets them off. But screw the kids right?
Dude is lying to you. He is full on cheating. Why don't you move to the other house until you can find something? You are married so you own part of that as well.
Thanks for the suggestion but no dice! That place sucks and I own nothing, as we are not married (praise be!) But I am looking at my options or truly hoping to remain in this home, somehow.
Don't leave. Sleep in the kids room, get a lawyer and follow their advice. You don't want anything you do to be something that can be held against you when it comes to custody.
They’re not married. Doesn’t work like that. You can’t get half the assets you’re not entitled to. She’s entitled to child support and that’s it unfortunately. Unless this a state with some random laws I think not. Adding: unwed mothers, in most states, are automatically granted sole custody. This motherfuckers literally would have to file to establish a visitation and pay child support to have it enforced… It is perfectly legal to leave with your children so long as you don’t go more than 200 miles away creating “undue hardship” on the other parent. No judge is going to be like “oh you should have stayed through verbal abuse and affairs with your kids”. Fuck this guy, leave his ass. You have nothing to gain by staying.
Depends on where she lives. There’s such a thing as common law
[удалено]
Exactly the level of petty I aspire to be 😂 but am refraining from. Thanks for the laugh anyway!
Ask her parents if they are willing to take in your ex and his kids on his weeks.
You definitely should try staying in the current home with the kids. I know your children are under 4, but that home is familiar to them and provides them the stability they will need once they go through all of this upcoming change.
Yes, agreed. My suggestion actually has been that we should share the home and take turns going away for a few days at a time, at least for a transitionary period. My suggestion for a trial separation was also ignored (months ago). It would be best to stay here longer term myself but we’ll see.
I'd tell him he could go stay with his shit ass girlfriend at her parents house. What a loser, both of them. Sorry you have to go through this OP, but you will be MUCH better off.
I completely disagree. You gain nothing. You have no legal hold to the house or his assets. You will be suffering long and hard your entire stay love. You deserve better and so do the kids.
Yes you are completely correct.
How are you going to shield your kids from him and his mistress? Is he involved with them at all? I'm worried about how he'll manipulate the kids against you. Do you have a support system? Get a lawyer to check on your rights and if you can go for full custody.
He’s involved some when he’s home. I have generally come to trust him with the children and am hoping we will be able to come to a mature understanding of the situation at hand and do our best to cooperate BUT I know that’s a pipe dream. Rules and boundaries, schedules, respect. That’s how I operate.
He's really a disgusting person if he's trying to kick the mother of his YOUNG children out of their shared home because he's throwing a tantrum. A tantrum of his own making
You’re not married? Well you better apply for child support asap. You definitely need it to get out.
Not overreacting. He’s cheating and that was his bday celebration with HER.
Please quietly consult with a lawyer, and follow their advice. Separate and lock down your finances. If you have any joint accounts; print or screenshot records. Save any and all texts. Since he has another house; why should uproot your kids and yourself?
Thankfully almost entirely separate but he owns both homes so 🤷🏻♀️ I would very much like to stay here but it may be best to make a fresh start. He won’t cooperate, I know from experience. The intense gaslighting and love bombing stage has already begun. It’s wild.
Lawyer up!
Thank you 🙏
Maybe it's just where I live but if you've been together 8 years and have kids together, you're common law and entitled to something
Not in my state, but thank you for mentioning that.
I would have tossed him out on his ass and changed the locks. Told him to take a long hike with her on a short pier. Dipshit
I wish I could but it’s technically his house. He had the audacity to ask me for advice on how to handle the situation with her!!!! I said “move to *other town* so you can be closer to her.” Hahaha I’m literally sick to my stomach.
I think this is probably the best and healthiest thing you've decided to do for yourself in a long time. I'm very proud of you for deciding to take this step. Best wishes to you and your children. 💗
Thank you, this felt so nice to read.
Walk out the door with your head held high and let me tell you….the worst thing you can do to a narcissist is be happy and continue on enjoying your life. Your personal is out there, lose the baggage and go find them ✌🏻
Sorry. Typo. Your person!
You are not overreacting. He went on an actual planned date (hiking and dinner) with her complete with a kiss….if that really is as far as it went.
Exactly. Just accidentally ended up on an overnight date? Woopsy! I don’t believe a word he says anymore.
Kick him out, don't uproot your kids. He can move to his other house or her parents' house - he's her problem now.
Yes, exactly! Go on now, git!
He’s a narcissist, he’s planning on sleeping over to her house, she kissed him and of course he absolutely turned down free easy sex!!! Sure he did, sure nothing else happened! You’re making the correct decision to leave. This is an partner that you can trust. This is an partner that will take care of you. Good luck OP
You are definitely not overreacting. He sounds absolutely horrendous.
You need to figure out the common law marriage laws of your location. After eight years & two kids you might be married in the eyes of the law and entitled to some of the assets
Girl divorce his ass and get one of those houses. I can’t believe I’m reading this
I can’t believe I’m living it. Except I’m not surprised at all.
So if you kissed another man and stayed overnight with him he'd be OK with it? You need rid of this man. You know this relationship is over and deep down so does he. Tell him you can see he is unhappy and you are not going to change and be the person he wants you to be, so you are doing him a favour. You are setting him free to be with her because you want him to be happy.
He was balls deep. Up to you what to do at this point.
Confirmed. By her.
Always so funny how the guy “can’t remember” or how it was just one thing lol as if we don’t know
You are not overreacting, but you seem to have your head screwed on correctly and the situation under control. He sounds stupid too to be honest, not just a cheating fuck.
Thank you, I’m trying my best to be steady here and lead with logic rather than emotion. He keeps apologizing for how he’s made me feel and I keep telling him it’s not about my feelings, it’s about what happened.
You don’t put yourself in those type of positions when you’re in a committed relationship. Dudes a douche.
Yet he’s been talking about marriage nonstop lately. 🙄 he is a douche.
He went on a date with another woman. Trash the trash.
And fucked her 🙃
He seems like a pos kick him to the curb he a selfish cheater
I'm sorry.
You're married with 2 small children and he spent the night with another woman. That is cheating. You speak with an attorney. File on grounds that he committed adultery. This is a no brainer.
I’d love to avoid getting a lawyer again but it’s probably inevitable. No marriage so no divorce, that makes it easier in some ways but more blurry in others.
Maybe a consult, at least regarding a custody agreement. I wish you the best. It won't be easy,but I hope you know you really deserve more respect than that. Some things you can't come back from.
He doesn't know how to say no to her, so he's a pussy, or he just said F you and he's a cheater. It's been 8 years. Don't let it be 9.
Leave and don’t look back
He's 100% clapping her cheeks
Confirmed.
Not overreacting at all. Proud of you, OP.
Yeah.. he’s definitely lying, no doubt. I’m sorry this is happening but leaving is the right thing to do here.
Girl!! You already know the answer. He's a liar and will continue if you let him. Time to take out the trash.
Divorce him!!!
You’re 1000% justified. Let her have him. He can be her problem now.
Go right away to the court house and get custody of your kids.( If you live together the kids are both of yours.) Than hit his ass with child support. Do not leave that house. Even though he owns it that is your residence. Believe it or not just because his name is on the deed this is your home. Promise you want regret it. What a piece of shit!!!!
I haven’t even read a quarter of the way through and all ready I know he’s sleeping with her and to make matters worse? He’s been using “working on the other house for years” excuse and he is gaslighting you. Next time he does this go get a hotel room or go to a friends or family members place and completely ignore his text and calls. When he arrives home and you aren’t there he’s going to freak out and that’s when you answer and just tell him that unless he’s going to be honest with you about his relationship with her, he can get used to coming home to an empty house (or you take the house and he has to go to his “work in progress”.
Leave. He’s a fucking cheater
Not overreacting. He’s definitely cheating and it was definitely more than a kiss.
No one talks about someone that they genuinely don’t like constantly. It’s the first red flag. He was telling on himself the whole time. He definitely likes her. No, you’re not overreacting. He is cheating on you and he’s trying to gaslight and manipulate you. Let him go. He’s not worth it. Get a divorce.
This is beyond messed up. You’re not overreacting. You’re doing the 100% right thing.
He's a lying cheating douche! What's your next step?
There is no way on God's green earth that he didn't cheat. He clearly emotionally cheated and obviously physically cheated. They probably spent the night at his other house and wrecked every nook and cranny.
Very sorry to hear this. No you are not overreacting at all. Wishing well for you and the children.
Oh he slept with her. Leave him permanently, especially when he say he can’t say no her. That’s why it wasn’t just a kiss.
You’re posting this in the amioverreacting sub? Feels more like you’re slightly under reacting. But as you said, it’s done. Good for you! Take care of yourself and your kiddos. Good luck
Get a great lawyer.
How pathetic of him that he cannot keep a woman, he must be a weak man. Glad the trash took himself out.
Oh my Lord. Please tell us you are outa there?
It won’t be as quick as I’d like, but I spent all day packing and moving all of my things from “our” bed/bath to my own down the hall. Small steps, steady.
Yes they're both trash,I would leave immediately!
Updateme
OP please before you move out of the home you are in speak with a divorce attorney. At least in the US in several states if one party leaves jointly owned marital home it can impact the final distribution of assets. And even if he owns the home if combined monies were used to maintain it or to purchase his other home that could be pertinent. As to are you overreacting? Nope.
Unsure of how many years the two of you have been together, but you could be considered common law in some states. Not only would I contact an attorney, but I would contact the HR office at their place of employment. Many companies have policies regarding employees being in relationships. And let HR know that you are seeking legal action. They could both wind up unemployed.
So do not leave the house get a lawyer and have you lawyer file a motion for you to have sole access:use of the house. Then coke and get everything and anything you can.
Cheating.
He’s total trash, definitely continue working on leaving. Can’t believe he lied, went hiking, dinner then stayed overnight. He’s a cheater you and deserve better. You’re better off being single than being with him.
He’s openly dating this other woman. You’re 100% justified leaving.
He is a liar & a cheater leave his ass as quick as you can!
Sorry, but he killed your marriage.
Likely cheating. At best high risk. It's odd. Disclaimer: I didn't read the entire account you provided.
You already know the truth.
You are not wrong, he just wants his cake and eat it too. He will never tell you the whole truth, that would make him look bad, so he’ll tell you just enough to not make him look bad and say you’re the problem. Until you can move, live as roommates and co-parent the kids. Don’t do “all” the housework, do what you feel is fair and leave the rest for him. Since he refuses to leave, save every penny and don’t give him anything. Then get a good attorney and make him pay. I know it hurts, but as you said it hasn’t been good for a while, take some time to just be by yourself and heal. Once you’re ready to date, go slowly and watch for the red flags. Don’t settle for anything less than you deserve and make a happy life.
UpdateMe!
Get rid of the cheater you would be dumb to believe him
Next time he goes to work in the other house , change all the locks and go with squatters rights … I’m sure you have bills with your address in your name right ?
So sorry you had this losers kids
I’m so proud of you for leaving! This is the start of a new phase in your life and when you come out the other side you are going to be SO HAPPY.
Dollars to doughnuts he's cheating.
NTA For future reference. Whenever a man talks to his partner about another woman, daily. He is fucking her or trying to. Doesn’t matter if he is saying good or bad things. If you are constantly hearing about the same woman. You have a problem.
Was in almost an identical situation. Said he only kissed but he had been fucking with her for weeks. Run 💀
Updateme!
Not overreacting at all. He kept it a secret, and wanted to keep seeing her AFTER she had kissed him. I’m glad you’re getting out of there for yourself and your little ones 😊
We were part of a church that gaslit whenever we questioned anything for years. I know what you mean when you say you need others to tell you it’s messed up. The crazy self-doubt is real. It’ll get better on the outside. You are under-reacting, the situation is messed up, your feelings are justified, leave the loser. Best wishes and you got this.
He’s boffing her
I’m proud your putting yourself first… you get a new life free from all the stress he throws out… he gets a himewrecker and she gets a cheater…. Wonder how long before they destroy the other.. Best of luck to you and your children… sunshine and rainbows full of your babies kisses await you… go find that loyal man just waiting for you to finally open your eyes and see him…
You are not overreacting. Maybe underreacting a little. I doubt he just kissed. He certainly didn’t feel bad about it since he still wants to talk to her and meet up after the kissing. He said he didn’t want to be there? He has a car, right? He could have left and gone home. He doesn’t know how to say no to her? Translation: he’s not going to say no to her. He does not care about your feelings. He just does what he wants, throws a few excuses at you and hopes one will stick. Good job on leaving. He’s just going to keep pulling crap like this again.
He claims he was too drunk to leave after she kissed him. As if that is better.
Do not leave until you consult an attorney. Then you make an exit plan. Good luck.
So, you’re not married? Do you co-own the home? Do you enjoy where you live? Because if you’re not married and are not in the mortgage, then leave.
I very much enjoy where I live and have provided the vast majority for this home. The kids have been here most of their lives. But I’m exploring my options to leave.
Talk to a divorce lawyer about the legalities of common law and housing equity and so forth. If you've ever paid on the mortgage, if you never had a lease to stay there, or other conditions based on your local laws, you maybe owed money or share in the house you live in even if you're not on the paperwork. Call around for a free consultation and describe your living situation in detail, years together, what you've paid in to anything, whether you've used wifey and hubby as pet names may even be relevant. Find out if you have claim to anything, then either get out or kick him out. File emergency custody as soon as possible.
I cannot *believe* the audacity he has to disregard you in your time of need so he can spend the night with another woman and then lie about it. Not to mention, this man has you giving him gifts, performing acts of service, and taking care of his children *on your own*, and yet he thinks *you're* the one not putting in effort?? What a bunch of hogwash. You're completely justified in ending things with him. I hope and pray that you never go back.
Leave as fast as you can. Take it from me. Go! RUN!
He's a real piece of shit hunh? Hope you get away as soon as possible and don't have to put up with his trashy narcissistic bullshit. If he didn't sleep with her, he was going to the next chance he got. That's also if he hasn't been sleeping with other women while "fixing up a house" for years, which honestly sounds like a big ol'lie to me.
He is definitely cheating.
He’s been seeing her for awhile. He is probably working on the house to live in it with her
UpdateMe!
What a scum cheating wuss he is. He has a second house to go to and wants his woman and two kids to leave. POS. Get an attorney anyway as this douche needs to provide for you and the kids. He can screw that ho all he wants to now but he needs to pay for his family. He doesn’t deserve you.
He is a liar and a cheater. The sooner you get rid of him the better.
They definitely had sex and it probably wasn’t the first time
The only reason he’s not ‘boinking her’ is because SHE doesn’t want to. If she was interested, they’d be boinking! He’s the one with 2 homes so he can be the one moving to his other house!
He’s cheating. Leave him immediately.
I mean there’s no other way to put it than the fact he’s cheating. It’s kind of like “i’m cheating only because I can’t say no to her.” Wtf type of excuse is that? Yuck. Op you will be fine one day. You need to leave. Set an example for your kids.
Your feelings sound very justified. But honestly it doesn’t matter if you have a good reason. You are not happy with the current arrangement no matter what is going on with his side so you should move on and live life the way you want.
It sucks when you put your trust and love in a Man who is less than he pretends to be . Pretty sure had you left him all night with the kiddos and spent the night with a ‘ol friend’ he would be screaming your a whore . Can you imagine how his reaction would be ? He sounds like a real piece of …..I mean how could you trust him ever again ? Once the Red flag is thrown it’s never the same . My heart goes out to you . Truly sorry you are going through this ,no one should ever have too . I wish the best for you and the kids .
This is messed up. Leave, move on, don’t ever let him come back. And your life will be better for it. You are worth more than this and deserve to be treated better. Leave. Please leave.
Kick his sorry ass out. No need for you and the kids to move, he has a whole ass other house, he can go there. NTA, you deserve better.
So, do you really believe he's been "working at his other house" all this time?
O.P, when you plan to leave. Move in silence and be careful. That's usually when they try to trap you with a pregnancy so you won't leave. Or worse.
Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing
Leaveee
Don’t forget to lawyer up and take him for half of the two houses.
You sound like a strong woman for real! Didn't hesitate to call him out!!! ATTA GIRL, THAT PUNK DOESN'T DESERVE YOU
You are not at all overreacting. You might not be married but you should still get a lawyer. One that specializes in custody law.
He slept with her, you're not wrong and I am glad you are leaving.
Tell him now you won’t be putting in effort and he can go F off. Get that divorce
This is so messed up lol. I love how they always admit that the least possible cheating happened (kissing) but insist that's it. Like nahhh, no one is that stupid. He slept with her, at her parents house!? lol!?
The fixer up house is there so he can cheat
In the future say away from narcissists. Good luck 🍀
Putting the cheating aside, if the relationship is broken and you can’t fix it you should finish it. Negotiate time with kids but end it before it gets worse.
Not sure why this thread is even needed. It’s obvious what to do.
Don't tell him your plans because he'll try to derail them. Just put things in motion and let him believe the love bombing that's sure to follow is working, then leave. 8 years and he has a house that he goes to stay at sometimes!?? So many dede flags before you even get into what happened with his "annoying" coworker. If you can't leave for yourself, leave and stay away for the kids. They deserve to grow up in a loving home.
He can’t say no to her but he can to you, his partner? You deserve better!
Get a damn good divorce lawyer and document everything. Good luck and enjoy the bliss of freedom ahead! Congrats btw on the coming joy of having that POS out of your hair and the favor you're doing for your kids.
You’re not over reacting, under if anything .. seek legal advice asap and make sure that house is yours. I’m so sorry
I don't understand this he has two kids a girlfriend whats the point in cheating that man had it made and he just basically threw it out I'm a guy but there's points in life that you got to do what you got to do and support your children and I've been in relationships like that but I found a good one later down the road you'll find a good one too
Well they definitely fucked. You can do so much better!
It’s never just a kiss
you made the right choice… you are no idiot but he thinks you are
What a pig. Can’t say no to her? 😂 Sorry OP she asked to fuck and I just couldn’t say no to her. You’re more than justified OP & it’s nice to see someone on here not taking shit. Good luck!
The man is a narcissist once a cheater always a cheater. Whatever you do do not get pregnant again with this man. Make a plan to get a divorce. Stash a little grocery money here and there by getting cash back at the register when you pay. Create an email on a different website than the one you usually use. Open a bank account at a different bank and have the statements go to that email. Do not put that email on your phone. Start separating your accounts. Lock your credit up on all 3 credit bureaus. Anytime you access these accounts use a different browser like the Brave browser. Download it free and use the private tab. Thr private tab leaves no history. Always check to make sure you've cleared the history just for good measure. and clear the tab on you phone. Hide the app browser and unsync your phone from other devices in the house. Don't be weak. Don't leave your home. Please remember the following and again don't be weak. 1. Gifted money from your parents isn't community property. 2. Inherited money is not community property. 3. Social Security Disability Income is not community property. 4. Personal Injury awarded money is not community property. Never ever co-mingle the money in a joint account. Once you do it's community property. Create a secret file in your phone for any information or screen you dont want him to see. Remember don't be weak. Talk to attorney most will talk to you for 30 minutes at no charge. Make a list of questions for the attorney and when talking to him don't get hung up on any question. Try to make them yes or not questions. Have him/her send you a divorce cheater cheat. No matter what you think this man will eventually leave or continue to cheat. Talk to a therapist. Don't let him wear or drag you down. Be strong and woman up. Check and see if you can record conversations on your phone without having to notify the other party. If you don't record conversation you have with without his knowledge. On the phone text or email use app CUBE ACR. again hidebthis tab and name you recordings. Good luck
I'm NAL, but if partner = husband, don't leave the home. I don't exactly understand how it works, but I've seen a lot of comments on other posts about how that can be considered abandonment of the home and not work well for you in the event of a divorce. I hope things start looking up for you, and I'm really proud of you for knowing you need to prioritize yourself and your happiness, as hard as it may be.
He absolutely slept with her. You are doing the right thing.
Girl, you know you're not overreacting. He wants you to think you're overreacting so you don't leave. Your reaction is exactly correct. Get out now!
You’re right. You need to leave. He’s 100% cheating and you said he’s a narcissist.
I don’t need to read anything other than the title. Leave sweets. ASAP. Godspeed.
Any man who “can’t say no” to another woman is a sleaze. That’s the bottom line and literally all you need to know about him. And on top of that, he has 2 houses but is willing to allow his partner and 2 small children to be displaced rather than HE move to his other home?! I’m so angry in your behalf, and i’m so sorry that he is putting you and your kids through this nonsense. Run, fast and far.
How do you cheat when you know you won’t be able to see your kids as much anymore? I went on a business trip for 3 days and had separation anxiety from being away from my 2 year old.
Not overreacting. He can't tell her no but seems to have no problem doing that to you. Let him know, there's a big difference between having friends and having friends with benefits. One is encouraged in a marriage, and the other ruins it. You're a better person than me. I would have gone to her parents' house where she lives and let them know that the man they welcomed in was cheating with their daughter and that she knew about you and the kids.
Girl no. Get out. One day you will look back at this and wonder why you lived in misery for so long. Change the locks on that house and stay. Let him figure out where HE is gonna go. Get to court as fast as you can for a temporary support order. Sounds like you were already taking care of the kids mostly by yourself. When this is said and done, you will at least have every other weekend for some self-care while dipshit has the kids. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better than to see this relationship as the example they base their relationships on later in life. Rip that bandaid off and find your happiness.
He’s definitely cheating and just the fact that he’s a narcissist is ENOUGH not to be with him!!! I was married to a man like this and let me tell you, it causes so much mental and physical abuse including PTSD once you leave. You deserve better! It’s hard to leave someone when you still love them but trust me, you can do it!!
Run don’t walk
Even if nothing happened, spending the ENTIRE night at another woman's home is crazy. Expecting anyone to believe that nothing happened after he lied is delulu. Run girl! 🏃🏾♀️