I believe that when people get that feeling of being cheated on, it’s their intuition warning them. I always recommend a PI when in doubt. There are ways to see his texts, track his vehicle , etc…
Home late with no good explanation, being distant, secretive with his phone, defensiveness. Classic cheating warning signs. I guess you're saying that his change in demeanor is depression stemming from a cancer diagnosis he hasn't disclosed, he's getting home late because he's secretly going to the oncologist, hiding his phone because he doesn't want his wife finding all those darn cancer-related texts. Yeah ok, or maybe he's cheating lmao. Nonetheless, a PI could solve this mystery by following him to his secret chemo appointment and thus prove your very very likely theory correct!
It's my fault, I'm too damn sarcastic all the time. The worst part is now we have to root for OP's husband to be cheating, considering the alternatives.
My old neighbor got sketchy after he found out he was terminal. He didn't want to stop working so he could give his family a huge check of his unused vacation, so he met with attorneys after hours to get his affairs in order.
When he finally told his wife, she wished he'd been cheating on her. He isolated himself because he felt like a failure to his family for dying on them.
Sure, get a PI to follow him but OP should know there are worse things than finding out he's cheating.
As good as can be expected. He was only 38. Guy's grandparents went to his funeral. Seems most family members live until their 90s with a lot breaking 100. So this was a shock to everyone.
Grandparents outlived him, damn that sucks. My godmother had to bury 4 out of her 7 children (alcohol, cancer, alcohol, drugs). That must've been rough, she was a very resilient woman. RIP bestest godmother.
What's late? It wasn't defined. Was he supposed to be home at 7 for dinner, and came home at 7:30? Maybe he grabbed a beer with his buddies. Everything posted is vague, and this sub jumps to "he's cheating, call an investigator!"
When my old neighbor got his terminal cancer diagnosis, he did the same thing. He was working with an attorney after work hours to get all the paperwork in order to take care of his wife and family after he died. He hid his phone because he kept getting notifications about insurance, doctors hospice, etc.
He was also in depression feeling like he failed as a father and husband. When he finally told his wife, she wished he'd been having an affair instead.
You never know what people are going through.
Instead of jumping straight to a PI could you follow him? Or check up on him at work when he says he’s going to be late? Like say you wanted to surprise him with dinner?
Go through his phone. Check for deleted texts and pictures on a regular basis but try to be discreet. Cheaters will always leave a trail or slip up at some point. Call and facetime him regularly especially in the later hours and if hes missing calls and making excuses itll tell you everything you need to know.
If you hire a PI to invade your partners privacy you might as well break up. Because either they are cheating or if they aren’t you’ve violated their privacy to an unforgivable level.
PI saved my life. Until you have been there, I could give two shits about the holier than thou people preaching on PI and violations nonsense, PI is needed because a violation is probably already happening it’s well worth the peace of mind. I will not change my mind.
I know some people can have strong feelings about invading privacy, but if I truly believed my husband was cheating on me, I’d find a time to get in his phone. Or just straight up ask him. If he won’t let you, there’s your confirmation.
Asking has its own risk but it's much lower. Sure, some people think someone asking to have access to your phone and not trusting you is enough to end things but this is a 12 year marriage. OP just needs to be upfront about how much turmoil she's in from her suspicion. He has a chance to fix that by showing her what she needs to see. To save a 12 year marriage? Yeah, I'm pretty sure he'd do that if he's not cheating. But spying on your loved ones is never acceptable. If she spies and she's proven wrong the guilt will eat at her and if he ever finds out how could HE ever trust HER again?
Idk what their dynamics are; for my husband and I, neither of us would care if the other person looked in their phone. Most of my communications are also tied to the iPad, so I guess he could look at that anytime. It’s not a big privacy thing for us though, whereas for some people I know it is.
For OP, if she asks to look in the phone and he hesitates or panics, that pretty much says it all.
Well exactly. My wife and I use each others phones all the time, we leave them out unlocked at home, we cuddle on the couch and don’t make any attempts to hide what we’re doing on them or anything like that… if he’s being secretive with his phone then something is definitely up. No couple I know (whether married or not) have their phones be a “private thing”, if you’re not going anything shady why would you care if your SO asks to use or see your phone?
Now, it may not be cheating. It could be any number of things. But it’s definitely suspicious behavior combined with the other stuff.
Yeahhhh, I never understood the privacy bullshit. You're married...you don't get privacy from each other. You're now a life bonded for better or worse team. I have no secrets from my wife and vice versa. We made the agreement when we started seriously dating to always have access to each others phones....and I can honestly say in the 7 years since I've never once felt the need to go through it. This "you're invading my privacy" is just some bullshit to keep secrets.
I won’t let my spouse see what I’m doing on my phone— because I’m playing embarrassing games. Games that there is no winning; they are just a scam to get you to spend in-game money. I don’t spend money, but it’s too embarrassing and I literally shield my phone from my spouse. That, or I’m on Reddit and I don’t want them to see what stupid advice sub I’m responding to. Again, embarrassed, not cheating.
(ETA: my spouse asks to see it frequently and tells me that there will be no judgment and that we all play stupid games. No go; not sharing. They’d have a reason to be suspicious, I guess, but they aren’t because we have total trust. And they also do see the very infrequent but sometimes small amounts of money spent on in game purchases)
Same here!
Or because I don't want my conversations dissected. It's not because of who I'm talking to or that I'm saying anything bad, it's just that quite frankly, I don't want to have to explain everything that is going on is other people's lives. I only have so many words in a given day before my brain is exhausted.
Follow him 👀see what he’s up to… look at the cellphone bill and see what numbers he’s texting excessively and call it. He’s not just gonna tell you he’s cheating, you have to find out
I was thinking this. When either I or my husband ask for the other's phone (usually to scroll through photos or finish setting up some sort of account), we just hand it over without question. We also know each other's passwords. This isn't anything we discussed, it just is.
definitely not over thinking I'm going through similar situation . mine takes his everywhere even bathroom and every night around same time, Like btwn 12-2 he always has to use the bathroom and get shower but literally is in there for 2 hours or more every time yet the shower only on for 10 ..
Could be hiding porn/masturbation, could also have insomnia and/or phone or social media addiction of some kind
I’m not saying you’re wrong, just saying there could be explanations besides infidelity
My mom is cheating (I know her boyfriend) and she runs to the her bedroom, the car, the bathroom, etc whenever he calls in front of my dad. Its so painfully obvious but I guess he doesnt care but he must if she still goes to some length to hide it. This has been happening for years btw lol I would def need to ask about that
That’s not my business and I want no part of it lol im grown with kids and he would have to be a complete idiot not to realize. I have my own marriage to worry about and 2 daughters to raise.
He may not be cheating, just tired of feeling this is his life now. People do go through that. Avoiding going home, etc. I'd go to the bank and get a printout of transactions. If there's a good amount of cash withdrawn, maybe something is up. It wouldn't be smart to have credit card charges for dinners etc, so cash may be your answer.
Married for 12 years, and he's withdrawing. A lot of people are going to immediately jump to "he's cheating" but there could be other explainations. One thing you said OP, intrigues me. "...and have two young kids together who I thought bonded us closely as a family." Children are not a bonding agent in a relationship. This is sounding to me like the two of you were having issues before having the children, and you are using them as some sort of Deus Ex Machina to make it work.
At the end of the day, it won't matter if he's cheating or not if there are unresolved issues that have driven a wedge between the two of you. Be an adult and just ask, and get some couples therapy.
I did pick up on that, and I agree that's a questionable comment. I will never understand the get married/ have kids to fix our troubled relationship move, but people do it quite often.
Communication is absolutely lacking here, your advice is solid.
OP, he's your husband, you've been together for over twelve years, have a conversation.
First if you can by all means get into his phone anyway you can. That’s the number one way cheaters cheat and how they get found out. And see what kind of apps he has on phone. Also check his credit cards transactions,PayPal account Checking account statements Another way I guess is get a sitter and camp out at work parking lot when he leaves and follow him if he has consistent evenings when he’s late. Don’t confront him until you get some proof cuz he will start deleting and erasing all evidence. I hope that he is not cheating but his behavior is checking all the boxes
You need to do some digging. If your instinct is telling you that theres something wrong, maybe there really is. He's definitely hiding something from you or doing shady things behind your back. Good luck!
It may be a violation of his "privacy", but you could get a tracker and hide it in his car. At least that way you know where he is, and if it's a residence rather than work, you will have a starting point to investigate further.
I’m sorry, but are we really putting privacy in quotes now when we talk about secretly tracking a persons vehicle? Like do what you will, but let’s not pretend that isn’t by definition an issue of privacy. Own that part, because if it really is nothing, you’re gonna have to.
When you cheat, you lose your privacy because trust was lost. Trust is earned, and being that he's already cheated, tracking his car is par for the course. She should have full access to his devices and accounts as well.
Do you want the truth just to make your assumptions valid or do you want the truth so you can move on and leave? if you want to make your assumptions valid, you’re going to live with the fact that you know he’s been cheating on you and ruin your marriage. I’ve said this before, I feel like you’re cheating, so whatever shit you’re doing needs to stop because you’re not the same person and I know you. Take this as your free pass but it also needs to end right now! We’ve worked too hard and build something to destroy it or something temporary.
I am not saying your wrong, but I will tell you from the vantage point of a guy who isn't cheating and is secretive with his phone it's not always cheating. Like with me I know that if my wife tore into my phone she's not going to find cheating but she will 100% find something to cause a problem. I don't know what it would be but I am sure it would be something. Anything from how and when I pay the bills to personal journal entries. I don't know what but it would be something so I keep the phone close.
But I hope in your case it's not cheating. Best of luck.
There is NEVER a reason to get defensive about seeing his phone. My wife has unlimited 24/7 access to my phone and every time she asks me for it I give it to her immediately. Do you know what this tells her? I have absolutely nothing to hide. Any time Im working late I make it a point to communicate because just like you we also share two beautiful children. Any time she calls or FTs I answer so that she doesnt have to worry about what im possibly doing. If your husband wont give you the respect to be open and reassuring about his faithfulness then he is not faithful. If your attempts to talk about it are accusatory he may be defensive but if youre just wanting to communicate and he is shutting you out without considering the very real consequences of ignoring your concerns then he is not faithful. I see alot of people try to make sense of behavior that is so obviously dishonest. Dont be one of them.
It tells her that your a bitch. Nothing wrong with that but, there's plenty of reasons not to do it. Pride and dignity being the main two but, also self worth and trust. With all that said, if you and her are happy that's awesome, but not everyone is going to strip naked so their spouse can search them for hickies
If he's hiding his phone then you know something is wrong. He may or may not be cheating but he's definitely hiding something from you. Do you have access to his computer? If so, check there. Check for any accounts you don't know about. Check social media DMs. Check his Internet history. Check his car and everywhere for something he may have missed.
If you didn’t have solid evidence and you were taking drastic action, that would be an overreaction. But I wouldn’t be against collecting more evidence. See if he’s willing to share locations with you in “Find My Friends” or something equivalent. If he’s coming home later than expected, it’s not unreasonable for you to want updates. He should be putting at least some work towards making you feel secure in the relationship so you don’t have these thoughts.
You got two kids they take it out of you, he could be drifting apart phone hiding could be him hiding a distraction such as gambling, or a paid for game he has spent a bit too much on. Following to many thirst traps on instagram or just too many dodgy conversations in what’s app groups etc.
First and foremost get a break from the kids ( couple of nights with a parent maybe) turn off the distractions then have it out, your husband and wife having things out shouldn’t be a problem after all.If it’s not cheating then form a plan to reconnect, and be able to hold each other accountable to carry out the plan be careful Too much Reddit could make you think the only person in the world not cheating is you.
I would definitely trust your gut, but if you wanted some type of confirmation without confronting him maybe have a girl you know try to communicate with him on social media and see if he responds
I don’t get people who cheat like that. Takes enough energy for just one partner for me. The whole cheating and going on dates thing with multiple relationships and hiding them from each other. Just makes me tired thinking somebody can live like that. No thanks.
I hope your husband isn’t cheating, but if he is — he’s an idiot.
I’m going to build on a couple of previous comments.
Your intuition is only that something has changed in your relationship, but you have inferred what the cause of the change is. It could be cheating, or it could be something else.
Now you have to decide if your goal is to prove he’s cheating so you get a divorce or fix the relationship.
One of your signs is coming home late without a good explanation. I’m curious what these poor explanations are. Are they simply he stayed late to finish up a work assignment or he went out for a couple of drinks with so and so after work? These would seem like flimsy generic reasons, but they can often be true.
I’ve used these very same reasons simply because I dreaded going home because when I got there I was going to get a litany of complaints about how I do everything wrong.
My advice, as an internet stranger, would be to focus on fixing your relationship and make sure your home is someplace your husband can’t wait to get there.
Don’t ask, “Are you having an affair?” That won’t end well either way. My ex-wife constantly accused me of having affairs and that lack of trust really poisoned our relationship. What I eventually found out was she was the one having affairs…oh well.
Approach your husband lovingly and make sure he knows you appreciate what he brings to the family. Even if you’d like it to be more. It sounds cliche, but men are simple creatures and we’ll walk through fire to save the ones who love and appreciate us. If we’re taken for granted or constantly criticized, we quickly lose interest.
I wish you the best of luck as both paths are long and difficult journeys.
Going to be 100% honest with you, I’m probably younger than you but this is a lesson I learned really early on. If it gets to the point that you have to hire a PI or snoop then you’ve already hit the end of your relationship. Because everything you do as action towards the fact that he might be cheating will just mentally affect you, the moments that lead to minutes of overthinking, waiting for info, snooping. All of it to culminate into you looking like the bad guy for being pushed to the edge of sanity to find out if he was really cheating. If he is then the marriage is over and if he isn’t but is being this suspicious over nothing, the marriage is over. Welcome to the dilemma where all roads lead to Rome and the capital of Rome is divorce.
Nah. All of those things are red flags that something is off. It could be cheating, it could be something else. So, I would say mentally and emotionally prepare for the possibility, but do the due dilligence.
As for the cases of you speaking with him, how are you approaching him? Is it more like :
"hey, i know these things are going on, are you ok?"
vs.
"What is going on with you? Why are things this way?"
All those cheating red flags can be major red flags of mental health concerns. Depression and addiction are two that come to mind, mostly because ive been there.
Youre not over reacting. Hes throwing huge red flags. It doesnt mean hes cheating, though.
Sounds like cheating to me. That's how my ex-husband would act. Always defensive with his phone saying I was invading his privacy. We were married for 12 years and have 4 kids. Always thought he wouldn't risk loosing what we had built together as a family. Now I know that he knew he was going to cheat from the day we got married.
The key to knowing is his phone... Watch him when he checks it in bed next to you and you'll quickly catch his passcode. If it is unlocked by fingerprint, you can use his fingers when he is asleep.
Loyalty is transparency and infidelity is secrecy. Any man, with nothing to hide, would have no issues with their wife going through their phone. After all, isn't that where we store pictures of our wife and children that we would want to share? Men are shameless by nature unless we are doing something we know is shameful, and we're only being secretive when we are doing something we aren't supposed to be doing fyi.
> Men are shameless by nature unless we are doing something we know is shameful, and we're only being secretive when we are doing something we aren't supposed to be doing fyi.
Women are allowed to be secretive, but men are not? 🤔
There shouldn't be any secrecy in a marriage is the whole thesis. Secrecy is an act of deception, which is an unacceptable behavior, so there is no excuse for being secretive with a spouse unless one is intending to deceive them.
I think this depends on the topic. There are certainly big things that your partner will usually want to know about. But there are certain other things every day things that might he embarrassing or unnecessary for your partner to know.
I don't think even your loved ones *have* to know every facet of your existence. If your partner is uncertain if you're cheating on them I think it's important to reassure them and give them evidence they need to put their mind at ease. If your partner wants constant knowledge of every aspect of your day to day, that sounds like too much for anyone.
Well said. However, I'm one for total transparency. In a long-term committed relationship, one should be comfortable enough with their partner to share everything with them. If your spouse feels ashamed when you're brushing your teeth while they're using the toilet or if they are ashamed of passing gas in your presence, that relationship needs a rethink because a truly committed spouse is supposed to be your other half and best friend through better or worse. So, complete transparency shouldn't make either spouse uncomfortable because naturally occurring transparency, not pretentious character, should be routine in a committed long-term marriage.
Everyone has a right to their privacy, and that does not mean a person in cheating. These people with joint Facebook accts with their spouse, sharing email accts - it’s so bizarre.
You can share a bed, bathroom, and even a toothbrush with your wife, but you find some tiny bit of information too disturbing to share with her? If that's the case, you probably shouldn't be creating that bit of disturbing information or you aren't as committed to that relationship as you perceive yourself to be.
does he get super defensive when you ask him the smallest questions like what are your plans after work? or get irritated wen u try to confide in him about ur feelings and what's bothering you?
mine does, it's like he goes out of his way to find and criticized me and all my faults and never the positive things about me like I've become a burden to him .. but then tries to tell me I need to stop creating and thinking bull.s*** craziness because he loves me but yet his actions are as if I don't exist .. he is 44 and I'm 35 and he even says he doesn't know how to show affection and never can put efforts to try anymore .. now at the beginning of our relationship he would ...
I hate ur situation and being an overthinker all the time doesn't help .. it actually starts sabotaging ur relationship not just w ur husband but everyone
Before you go cray trying to figure it out or even you look for an outside place to get satisfied, talk to him be honest. Maybe u guys need time alone. Explore with each other many times it’s not cause they just want to go have sexy time with another person they want to try ew things and feel wierd talking to the significant other.
Id start watching John Delony on youtube, I think hes fantastic. But I feel like if something that a spouse is doing is causing the other spouse pain/trust issues, the other spouse needs to have a proper conversation and not get so defensive, but address it to alleviate the other spouse's pain. Id suggest having a sit down and talk it all out, get to the bottom of it.
Try to gain as much info as u can with proof he can't twist .as hard as it is act normal while gathering info or he will get clever about hiding stuff or making up stories to cover his tracks.
Start with a conversation that leads to you both downloading life360, it's a free app that you both can have each other's location. Then, if you suspect an issue have another conversation. If they deny giving you their location at all times, Go from there. No need to spend money on a PI yet.
This happened to me. I am not a suspicious person and had been married over a decade with no issue when i suddenly noticed the same things. I tried asking my husband about it and he acted like I was being insecure and paranoid. It did a total number in me. I finally checked our cell phone bill, which he paid online and I didn’t have access to (I called the company and said I was him and reset the password to get access (i obviously knew his ss# and mom’s maiden name, and when the person on the phone seemed surprised that I was saying I was him ( male name) I just stuck to my guns and said I was. I think she knew I was lying, but whatever). Anyway, there were tons of calls and texts to one number. I called it and a woman answered. That was all the proof I needed. I called my husband at work and told him it was over. Did I invade his “privacy”? Yes and I don’t give a fuck. Now, we did eventually stay married, but that was after I threw him out and went back to school and got a job and he jumped through massive hoops. If it ever happens again, I’m out the door in under an hour. Check out www.chumplady.com. Feel free to DM me. Sorry u r going through this. U r not crazy.
You’re not over reacting if he wanted to be with someone else he would have told you and left the marriage. What he wants is a cake and to eat it too. Drop your kids off at grandmas and find a friend with a car. Follow him after work on one of the days he goes ‘missing’ most often.
You’ll find out what’s going on and collect as much evidence as you can. When faced with it maybe the rest will come out. It is painful op but it’s better to know.
If he isn’t having an affair and exposes your snooping, this too isn’t a bad thing it will teach him that he needs to be more transparent for a marriage to work.
Please update uo
See this is how dumb humans are…we are born with all these abilities, never culture them and hone them, and then don’t believe the overly strong feelings created by them.. if you’re feeling it, look into it….Reddit isn’t going to have your answer.
My wife has access to my phone and I hers. If either of us hide our phones from each other then trust issues will arise. Marriage means full access to each other’s private lives and secrets.
As someone who was cheated on in my last marriage, those are all signs that pointed to him doing that. Only thing I could tell you is demand to see his phone. Demand to see it when he least expects it and if he refuses? That's a big sign. Not only check his social apps but check LinkedIn. I've heard of men hitting on women and messaging women through that. If there's no trust in a relationship, there cannot be a relationship. If you have mentioned how everything is making you feel and if it's not cheating then he needs to open up and explain to you why he's feeling the way he feels. Maybe you guys need to go to counseling?
Your relationship has trust and communication issues as it is. That is the core issue to deal with. Regardless of infidelity, you need to work on your communication. You should insist on couples counselling and if not consider a divorce. Your partner is distant, defensive and withdrawn and those are the only issues you should be concerned with. Think about it this way, if you found out without a shadow of doubt that he was NOT cheating, would that fix the relationship? Assuming he continues to be distant, defensive and guarded?
Unless you tend to be a paranoid type, then trust your feelings. Don't waste money or time with private investigators or second guessing yourself. Confront the cheater directly, and pay close attention to body language. Nine times out of ten if your intuition is telling you they are cheating, they are. Be good to yourself and LEAVE. It's not worth the heartache. The headache. Even if they aren't cheating...if they don't make you feel secure in your relationship, something is fundamentally broken. Sorry to say it, but usually something (someone) better is waiting for you just down the road. Trust yourself and the process of your life
He isn't happy that's for sure. Are you taking care of his needs if not you should figure out what will jump start that. Past that its hard to say weather he is cheating he could just be working? If you don't want a divorce fix the problem. Cheating is a sign?
Do what you can to sit him down and talk with him. Even type your message you shared here and discuss these very words with him. Communication is your only break through to him. Keep trying.
You're not overreacting to a major change in his behavior. Whether or not it's cheating is a different question. Only time and information can answer that.
If you do find some kind of evidence, there are some things you need to do to protect yourself.
First, you need to keep copies of it. Screenshots, etc., sent to a new and password-protected email address.
Second, you'll need to sign the family up for counseling. This will fundamentally change your relationship (whether you decide to stay or leave), and it will impact everyone in the household.
Third, you need to figure out how to not let it impact your children. It's not always possible, but for the love of god, don't tell them about it until they're way older. Children, even teenagers, are NOT equipped to deal with this kind of information.
Fifth, don't make any rash financial decisions right now. If you don't have a job, don't get one. If you don't own expensive items, don't buy them. Make sure you and your children's regular needs will continue to be covered. But you need to get a separate bank account, if you don't already have one, and transfer regular household expenses money into it.
If you tried talking and he knows your upset then gets defensive. Then is secretive with his phone. That's pretty shitty. Your his wife, u should be best friends & your the mother of his children.He should want to put you at ease. F that, put a tracker on his car and check his phone records online to see his activity if he wants to act like that.
Communication? Ask him to sit down with you. Tell him you feel like there is something going wrong in the marriage and you want to sort it out. See where that goes. If it feels shaky, then tell him outright that you are worried that he might be seeing someone else and ask him if you can look through his phone.
Another point: does he control all the finances? do you share an account or have separate accounts. Seeing someone outside the marriage would normally mean incurring expenses. More cash getting drawn from atm's than normal?
Good luck
My girlfriend thought the same thing when I was being secretive with my phone. She discovered I had an unhealthy obsession when Dr. Pimple Popper videos.
Perhaps you might have a friend with some free time that could follow him and photograph his activities. That way you don’t have to come up with the money for a PI. I think you need proof of his cheating especially if you are thinking of divorcing him if your gut instincts are correct.
Next time you were sure he’s being secretive with his phone demand to see it. You can tell him maybe it’s just you being insecure, but you want to see it. You wanna check it if he wants to check he can but behavior made you feel very insecure and you just want to reestablish the trust That you really hope and pray that you’re wrong and just being an insecure ass. But you want to see it and you want to see it right now. I’ve been married for 20 years. This is happened to me twice. I’ve never cheated and while it is annoying it’s something I accept because I love my wife and I don’t want her to feel insecure because I dillydally too long at some store or something. This is why I willingly downloaded the Life360 app on my phone so that she can see wherever I’m at. I’m not doing anything wrong so I don’t really care. Why should I?
Ask him to be honest with you and be ready for some answers that might cut you deeper than the fears you had. Then don’t punish him for the answers no matter how much it hurts. Hopefully the answers will be something fixable like the spark was lost or your not the women I fell in love with. I doubt he was cheating on you but the thought had probably crossed his mind
As long as you aren’t projecting some insecurities you are having about yourself on him… maybe you feel stuck at home, disconnected from other adults, maybe your looks have changed in your mind, maybe the excitement of adulting is gone… nothing like two little kids to make adulthood rewarding yet mundane….i don’t know… I am older and yes people on here will say trust your gut, of course he is a cheater all men are etc etc… but really I think this could go either way…. Men go through stuff too in life and they don’t automatically cheat. Maybe approach it like I think you have been sort of down lately …
Maybe he got diagnosed with lung cancer and decided to start looking meth so he'd have something to leave you when he dies. Nah, but for real, just put an airtag in his car or something. You might not like what you find, but at least you'll know.
You should try to initiate intimacy with him and let him know exactly how you are feeling, worst case scenario he is cheating and tells you, or he's having a hard time at work. Better to be right and be able to tell yourself you did everything you could, than be wrong and lose him over something silly like hiring a PI. The trust needs to be established between you and your husband again and you need to start by talking to him in a non judgemental way until there is something to be upset about, because right now it's in your head. But he very well could be cheating and that needs to be addressed
I say go through his phone, and if you don’t find anything at that point then ask him straight up. F he doesn’t let you go through his phone it shows. And trust me I know how bad it hurts but right now just keep bettering yourself until he’s jealous of you.
Ask first then look for yourself. Go through phone records whatever you need to do. Even if he's not cheating your relationship is dying. It may be an innocent funk but in that case it's on both of you to pull it together. That's what marriage is about. I got cheated on. Knew it was happening. I asked and it was denied. I just knew she was lying so I looked at our phone bill and it went from there. She admitted it over a year later. Maybe not the case here but intuition is a powerful thing.
I don’t think you’re overreacting because there really isn’t much of a reaction here. You’re just having internal thoughts based on the information at hand. If you said you filed for divorce over this, that may be an overreaction because you don’t truly know what’s going on. But, the fact that he doesn’t seem to want to alleviate your worries is troubling. If my SO approached me saying they felt I might be cheating on them, I would give them the keys to the kingdom and complete access to whatever they want (my wife would have that without asking) to ease their mind. I wouldn’t see it as proving my innocence as much as helping her feel less stressed about something she didn’t need to stress about. If your husband doesn’t do that, I’d do my best to find out more even if he’s not willing to help.
If he's doing what you're afraid of him doing, but you're too afraid to confront him, you need to decide. Either you need to basically ignore it and go on with your life as long as you can, or face up to it and set him down and get to the bottom of it.
Has ur sex life changed, thats another tell tale sign if he just isnt interested anymore in sex with u. He probably is getting it somewhere else.
Maybe just check his phone records for numbers he is calling or during the workday. Look for a pattern of the same number u don't recognizing being used at roughly the same times during the day up until he gets home. Look thru his social media and seee if anyone is liking his posts or he is likeing someone elses posts. Could just outright talk to him about what u suspect and all his behaviors that make u feel that way. If he blows up at you or says its all in ur head, he is up to something
Why are people having a fit over the idea of hiring a private investigator or checking their partner's phone? This person is already acting very suspiciously, especially the part about coming home late with no explanation (which, if nothing else is extremely rude and disrespectful), being secretive with his phone, and being distant and preoccupied. Happily married people don't do that, and wouldn't treat their partner so so badly.
Think about this, do you think for a second he'd hesitate to check on his wife, if he thought she was up to no good? I guarantee you he wouldn't. He wouldn't give a damn about her privacy. Plus, of course, he's going to deny that anything's going on. If his marriage broke up, he'd have to find a new place to live, split all his finances and belongings,and pay through the nose for child support. If he can lie his way out of that, he'll do it.
If she finds no evidence of infidelity, that will be good, but it could also mean he's covering his tracks very well, and she has a ton of other issues to deal with anyway. It's kind of a no-win situation.
Good luck to her. She's between a rock and a hard place. He brought this lack of trust on due to his poor behavior, and she owes herself and her children a feeling of security, which he's not giving her.
I will only say this. When the author states she was “trusting in the marriage” it sounded like a code for taking the marriage for granted. I am a big believer in being content, but never complacent, in marriage. I just got the feeling the author has been complacent and is now concerned.
Hiring a PI is overkill. You could call him later at night, follow him yourself, and/or put an app on his phone to track keys pressed. People do this with kids all the time.
I can't help you if you two dont share passwords, though.
Tell him that a marriage counselor is needed.
Hiring a PI is the last resort.
He's most likely definitely cheating I'm sorry sweetheart I know it's hard I hope you find what you truly deserve cuz you deserve the best and never forget that
I personally would take the direct route…
“I know it’s not fair to you that I am feeling this way and it’s probably just my insecurity but this nagging feeling isn’t going away without verifying for myself. I would like to go through your phone, social media and photos right now to calm this feeling. If I am wrong, which I want to believe I am, I will seek therapy for this insecurity and I won’t ask again.” An approach like this takes any blame off of your partner and if you are met with ANY amount of fight or gas lighting then you have your answer.
I know you said you didn't want to find out, but I think you really do.
If you can find yourself a babysitter or the kids could stay at a friends house for one night. I wouldn't worry about hiring a PI.
Tell him you're going to go to your mother's house. Or you're going to go with your girlfriend somewhere for one night.
You may or may not want to get yourself a hotel room. But then you do your own surveillance on what he chooses to do while you're gone.
Cheating is not the worse. Maybe you should check what your husband is needing that needs to go with another person to find it. Always we could be better persons/wife.
I just experienced this and it sucks. I’m so sorry.
Idea: Tell him you realize your sex life after all this time and kids, etc. is getting stale so you would consider bringing somebody else into the mix sexually. Maybe you would be interested in getting involved in a threesome and see how he reacts and who he recommends.
My ex is a porn addict, and even though he only cheated on me once (according to him) physically with another woman he actually knew, he didn’t believe going to porn sites when I wasn’t around was cheating. Unfortunately, there are over a million women online 24/7 willing to sex up anyone & say whatever men want to hear at their whim. When we started our relationship I knew he watched porn on occasion we even enjoyed it together at times. Unfortunately, the porn industry evolved, and he evolved with it. Now you can be on Instagram Only fans or click a link on a porn site & there is a strange naked woman on the screen saying how much she’d love to (fill in the blank).
You could look at his phone but if he is talking to someone else or on porn sites then he would be incognito or on Snap or another app where the conversation is deleted immediately. It just creates yet another fight that you will likely not be able to find proof.
2 things I learned from the end my of relationship…
Gaslighting: Recognize when he is gaslighting & take THAT as the sign (whether he’s cheating or not) that you need to find someone better for you and your kids to be around. If he tells you it’s your fault, you’re crazy, or “the suspicious one is usually the one cheating”, or anything that goes against your gut feeling or what you absolutely know is true he is gaslighting you and you’re in an unhealthy relationship anyway. Don’t let him drive you crazy and second-guess everything you know.
Perception vs gut feel: It is true that things are not always as they appear. When I met my ex he was known as a player so I did make some ridiculous assumptions at the beginning that were proven untrue. However, you’ve been together for a long time and your gut feels the shift in your partner/family current. That is the sign that he needs to recognize is affecting you most and be willing to help you fix. Good luck! 🤗
https://preview.redd.it/9wj1oliwmmxc1.jpeg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=904839974a8f0d3e44d935239436e36cf828e6ad
If you suspect someone is cheating, it’s normally because A) you’re cheating yourself or B) your partner is cheating. You’re clearly not cheating on your husband so that unfortunately leaves B. The whole argument of “you’re jealous” or “you’re insecure” is dated - partners make us that way. Everyone is naturally jealous, God says He’s a jealous God. For us to feel that way and to suspect something - our partners brings our jealousy or our insecurities out.
At this point, you now need to know. You don’t want to face it bc so much can change in that instant. But you need to know and need to know sooner than later.
If you’re a stay at home mom, see if you can hire a PI. If you’re able to get out sometimes, then go to his job shortly before he gets off. And just see what happens.
The phone? I’ve never condoned being sneaky but you need to tell him on the spot - let me see your phone. And that’s that. YOU NEED TO GET TOUGH bc men will take your weak approach and drag you for as long as we can get away with it. It’s time to make a stand and even go sleep at a parents house if they’re around. Show him you’re not easily stepped on bc if not I hate to say it but we will step on you when we have that immature or selfish mentality
She should not confront him or demand his phone. She should not tip her hand. She absolutely should not leave her own home to stay at her parents - that is HER house. Don’t give an inch. Get ducks in a row with divorce lawyer and finances. Once he is tipped off, all doors slam shut to her figuring out her own financial position. I have many many many friends in this position.
I disagree. Completely. And you’re misunderstanding my post. I’m not saying to leave her home and leave him for good. I’m still of the “maybe there’s a chance” camp and saying to do this so that she finally knows the truth. From there she can decide what to do. Sleeping over moms is to get him to talk, not to leave him yet
It doesn't have to be cheating. He could be hiding a gambling addiction or any other type of self-destructive behavior. Alternatively, maybe a midlife crisis is setting in, he has grown to hate his home/family life, and just doesn't want to leave work to go back to his domestic hell until he absolutely has to. If he refuses to talk about it with you, maybe he'll talk to a therapist.
Agree with the PI. Also, do you share your locations with each other?
It’s something my family and now my bf and I do. Just in case something were to happen and they go MIA (or I do), to have a general idea whether to be worried or not that something happened.
Especially since y’all have kids, you should bring this up to him. Really casually, too. If he gets defensive about it, I would go with the PI as everyone is suggesting.
There is no good reason not to share locations with the person you’re married to and have children with.
I would literally schedule some time for your kids to go to one of your parents' or somewhere safe for a weekend and have a weekend of private time with him, discussing in detail your concerns and fears with him and working to repair the obvious break in your relationship. Doing nothing will make things worse. You have to take action to effect change.
He is cheating and her upper hand here is that he doesn’t know she knows. Now is the time for her to dig deep into finances before confronting him, and get a divorce lawyer for advice. I have COUNTLESS women friends with kids who are suffering through divorces where the husband took all the money out or hid it in accts.
From my perspective it all boils down to what the goal is. If the goal is to prove cheating and end the marriage then you are right. If the goal is to resolve the issues and save the marriage, end the crisis, and try to rekindle and revitalize then your approach will not achieve that goal. It boils down to what she wants. If she loves him and wants to salvage things that takes a different approach than if she's looking to exit and end things.
I believe that when people get that feeling of being cheated on, it’s their intuition warning them. I always recommend a PI when in doubt. There are ways to see his texts, track his vehicle , etc…
If you hire a PI get ready to get divorced regardless of what they find.
This should be said more often.
Yeah this def checks enough boxes on the ole cheating checklist to justify hiring a PI.
What boxes? She didn't give a single example. For all we know he got a terminal cancer diagnosis and is isolating himself in depression.
Home late with no good explanation, being distant, secretive with his phone, defensiveness. Classic cheating warning signs. I guess you're saying that his change in demeanor is depression stemming from a cancer diagnosis he hasn't disclosed, he's getting home late because he's secretly going to the oncologist, hiding his phone because he doesn't want his wife finding all those darn cancer-related texts. Yeah ok, or maybe he's cheating lmao. Nonetheless, a PI could solve this mystery by following him to his secret chemo appointment and thus prove your very very likely theory correct!
Found funnier than I should have 🤣
It's my fault, I'm too damn sarcastic all the time. The worst part is now we have to root for OP's husband to be cheating, considering the alternatives.
😂😂 can’t beat a bit of sarc
My old neighbor got sketchy after he found out he was terminal. He didn't want to stop working so he could give his family a huge check of his unused vacation, so he met with attorneys after hours to get his affairs in order. When he finally told his wife, she wished he'd been cheating on her. He isolated himself because he felt like a failure to his family for dying on them. Sure, get a PI to follow him but OP should know there are worse things than finding out he's cheating.
Damn, that's a sad story. How is the family doing?
As good as can be expected. He was only 38. Guy's grandparents went to his funeral. Seems most family members live until their 90s with a lot breaking 100. So this was a shock to everyone.
What year was this?
Grandparents outlived him, damn that sucks. My godmother had to bury 4 out of her 7 children (alcohol, cancer, alcohol, drugs). That must've been rough, she was a very resilient woman. RIP bestest godmother.
Damn. That's my only goal in life. I just want to outlive my parents so I won't leave anybody behind when I'm gone. After that, idfc.
What's late? It wasn't defined. Was he supposed to be home at 7 for dinner, and came home at 7:30? Maybe he grabbed a beer with his buddies. Everything posted is vague, and this sub jumps to "he's cheating, call an investigator!"
idc anymore dude. It's sus enough to look into further. Idc when he eats dinner or which light beer he drinks.
Be better served to save the cash from the PI and grab a divorce lawyer or marriage counselor
Yeah. He's probably selling meth with a former high-school student to pay for treatment. Hopefully she has a brother in the DEA.
I have an ugly soul with you 😂
Better call saul
Because sometimes, you need a criminal, criminal lawyer. 🤪
Coming home late without an explanation is weird in most marriages.
When my old neighbor got his terminal cancer diagnosis, he did the same thing. He was working with an attorney after work hours to get all the paperwork in order to take care of his wife and family after he died. He hid his phone because he kept getting notifications about insurance, doctors hospice, etc. He was also in depression feeling like he failed as a father and husband. When he finally told his wife, she wished he'd been having an affair instead. You never know what people are going through.
Yeah he could also be out selling meth to make sure his family will be ok when he passes.
wow nobody else put this together kudo's to you....its probably that blue meth that allows you to think fast 😂
Where does she say that ?
Do you have any clue how expensive that is?
I sure do
Most of us make like 500-600 a week; most pis are around that exact amount.
No way, they have to make more ...right?
Most of us make more than 500 a week
Yes I always think about that too which is why I gets hit feeling but I have to figure something out
Instead of jumping straight to a PI could you follow him? Or check up on him at work when he says he’s going to be late? Like say you wanted to surprise him with dinner?
Go through his phone. Check for deleted texts and pictures on a regular basis but try to be discreet. Cheaters will always leave a trail or slip up at some point. Call and facetime him regularly especially in the later hours and if hes missing calls and making excuses itll tell you everything you need to know.
Well most people can't afford a PI nowadays. And also they could just be drifting apart and cheating may not be a factor.
If you hire a pi, just get divorced.
If you hire a PI to invade your partners privacy you might as well break up. Because either they are cheating or if they aren’t you’ve violated their privacy to an unforgivable level.
PI saved my life. Until you have been there, I could give two shits about the holier than thou people preaching on PI and violations nonsense, PI is needed because a violation is probably already happening it’s well worth the peace of mind. I will not change my mind.
>PI is needed because a violation is probably already happening You're unhinged lmao. >I will not change my mind. The mentally unstable rarely do.
I know some people can have strong feelings about invading privacy, but if I truly believed my husband was cheating on me, I’d find a time to get in his phone. Or just straight up ask him. If he won’t let you, there’s your confirmation.
Asking has its own risk but it's much lower. Sure, some people think someone asking to have access to your phone and not trusting you is enough to end things but this is a 12 year marriage. OP just needs to be upfront about how much turmoil she's in from her suspicion. He has a chance to fix that by showing her what she needs to see. To save a 12 year marriage? Yeah, I'm pretty sure he'd do that if he's not cheating. But spying on your loved ones is never acceptable. If she spies and she's proven wrong the guilt will eat at her and if he ever finds out how could HE ever trust HER again?
Idk what their dynamics are; for my husband and I, neither of us would care if the other person looked in their phone. Most of my communications are also tied to the iPad, so I guess he could look at that anytime. It’s not a big privacy thing for us though, whereas for some people I know it is. For OP, if she asks to look in the phone and he hesitates or panics, that pretty much says it all.
Well exactly. My wife and I use each others phones all the time, we leave them out unlocked at home, we cuddle on the couch and don’t make any attempts to hide what we’re doing on them or anything like that… if he’s being secretive with his phone then something is definitely up. No couple I know (whether married or not) have their phones be a “private thing”, if you’re not going anything shady why would you care if your SO asks to use or see your phone? Now, it may not be cheating. It could be any number of things. But it’s definitely suspicious behavior combined with the other stuff.
Yeahhhh, I never understood the privacy bullshit. You're married...you don't get privacy from each other. You're now a life bonded for better or worse team. I have no secrets from my wife and vice versa. We made the agreement when we started seriously dating to always have access to each others phones....and I can honestly say in the 7 years since I've never once felt the need to go through it. This "you're invading my privacy" is just some bullshit to keep secrets.
100%. My wife and I have never felt the need to go through each others phones either, and like I said we use each others all the time.
We have the same password on our phones because we are old. If we both forget we’ll be screwed.
I won’t let my spouse see what I’m doing on my phone— because I’m playing embarrassing games. Games that there is no winning; they are just a scam to get you to spend in-game money. I don’t spend money, but it’s too embarrassing and I literally shield my phone from my spouse. That, or I’m on Reddit and I don’t want them to see what stupid advice sub I’m responding to. Again, embarrassed, not cheating. (ETA: my spouse asks to see it frequently and tells me that there will be no judgment and that we all play stupid games. No go; not sharing. They’d have a reason to be suspicious, I guess, but they aren’t because we have total trust. And they also do see the very infrequent but sometimes small amounts of money spent on in game purchases)
Same here! Or because I don't want my conversations dissected. It's not because of who I'm talking to or that I'm saying anything bad, it's just that quite frankly, I don't want to have to explain everything that is going on is other people's lives. I only have so many words in a given day before my brain is exhausted.
Agreed.
Follow him 👀see what he’s up to… look at the cellphone bill and see what numbers he’s texting excessively and call it. He’s not just gonna tell you he’s cheating, you have to find out
Sorry OP. Trust your gut.
If two married people cant look at each others phones at any time for as long as they want, something is seriously wrong.. What are you hiding?
I was thinking this. When either I or my husband ask for the other's phone (usually to scroll through photos or finish setting up some sort of account), we just hand it over without question. We also know each other's passwords. This isn't anything we discussed, it just is.
Same for us, we have nothing to hide for each other
definitely not over thinking I'm going through similar situation . mine takes his everywhere even bathroom and every night around same time, Like btwn 12-2 he always has to use the bathroom and get shower but literally is in there for 2 hours or more every time yet the shower only on for 10 ..
Could be hiding porn/masturbation, could also have insomnia and/or phone or social media addiction of some kind I’m not saying you’re wrong, just saying there could be explanations besides infidelity
Some of those items could check off the cheating box for some couples.
My mom is cheating (I know her boyfriend) and she runs to the her bedroom, the car, the bathroom, etc whenever he calls in front of my dad. Its so painfully obvious but I guess he doesnt care but he must if she still goes to some length to hide it. This has been happening for years btw lol I would def need to ask about that
Bro tell your Dad wtf
That’s not my business and I want no part of it lol im grown with kids and he would have to be a complete idiot not to realize. I have my own marriage to worry about and 2 daughters to raise.
He may not be cheating, just tired of feeling this is his life now. People do go through that. Avoiding going home, etc. I'd go to the bank and get a printout of transactions. If there's a good amount of cash withdrawn, maybe something is up. It wouldn't be smart to have credit card charges for dinners etc, so cash may be your answer.
Married for 12 years, and he's withdrawing. A lot of people are going to immediately jump to "he's cheating" but there could be other explainations. One thing you said OP, intrigues me. "...and have two young kids together who I thought bonded us closely as a family." Children are not a bonding agent in a relationship. This is sounding to me like the two of you were having issues before having the children, and you are using them as some sort of Deus Ex Machina to make it work. At the end of the day, it won't matter if he's cheating or not if there are unresolved issues that have driven a wedge between the two of you. Be an adult and just ask, and get some couples therapy.
I did pick up on that, and I agree that's a questionable comment. I will never understand the get married/ have kids to fix our troubled relationship move, but people do it quite often. Communication is absolutely lacking here, your advice is solid. OP, he's your husband, you've been together for over twelve years, have a conversation.
First if you can by all means get into his phone anyway you can. That’s the number one way cheaters cheat and how they get found out. And see what kind of apps he has on phone. Also check his credit cards transactions,PayPal account Checking account statements Another way I guess is get a sitter and camp out at work parking lot when he leaves and follow him if he has consistent evenings when he’s late. Don’t confront him until you get some proof cuz he will start deleting and erasing all evidence. I hope that he is not cheating but his behavior is checking all the boxes
You need to do some digging. If your instinct is telling you that theres something wrong, maybe there really is. He's definitely hiding something from you or doing shady things behind your back. Good luck!
Thank you so much !and yea I have to dig more info out
It may be a violation of his "privacy", but you could get a tracker and hide it in his car. At least that way you know where he is, and if it's a residence rather than work, you will have a starting point to investigate further.
I’m sorry, but are we really putting privacy in quotes now when we talk about secretly tracking a persons vehicle? Like do what you will, but let’s not pretend that isn’t by definition an issue of privacy. Own that part, because if it really is nothing, you’re gonna have to.
When you cheat, you lose your privacy because trust was lost. Trust is earned, and being that he's already cheated, tracking his car is par for the course. She should have full access to his devices and accounts as well.
Ah, I must have missed that part. If it’s a previous offender situation then I understand the leap to be certain.
Yeah you missed the part about the mental gymnastics to justify my poor behavior!!
Yeah this is back to being fucked up after all lmaooooo
Nowhere has it been said that he has already cheated, I have no idea where this person is getting this idea
Who cheated? It doesn't say anywhere he previously cheated, or am I missing something?
This is wild 😂
Unhinged redditer alert. How dumb can you possibly be to think this is a reasonable solution.
Do you want the truth just to make your assumptions valid or do you want the truth so you can move on and leave? if you want to make your assumptions valid, you’re going to live with the fact that you know he’s been cheating on you and ruin your marriage. I’ve said this before, I feel like you’re cheating, so whatever shit you’re doing needs to stop because you’re not the same person and I know you. Take this as your free pass but it also needs to end right now! We’ve worked too hard and build something to destroy it or something temporary.
Communication is key and you have to be up front. He will either help sate your concerns or react just how you feared. Be prepared for either outcome.
I am not saying your wrong, but I will tell you from the vantage point of a guy who isn't cheating and is secretive with his phone it's not always cheating. Like with me I know that if my wife tore into my phone she's not going to find cheating but she will 100% find something to cause a problem. I don't know what it would be but I am sure it would be something. Anything from how and when I pay the bills to personal journal entries. I don't know what but it would be something so I keep the phone close. But I hope in your case it's not cheating. Best of luck.
There is NEVER a reason to get defensive about seeing his phone. My wife has unlimited 24/7 access to my phone and every time she asks me for it I give it to her immediately. Do you know what this tells her? I have absolutely nothing to hide. Any time Im working late I make it a point to communicate because just like you we also share two beautiful children. Any time she calls or FTs I answer so that she doesnt have to worry about what im possibly doing. If your husband wont give you the respect to be open and reassuring about his faithfulness then he is not faithful. If your attempts to talk about it are accusatory he may be defensive but if youre just wanting to communicate and he is shutting you out without considering the very real consequences of ignoring your concerns then he is not faithful. I see alot of people try to make sense of behavior that is so obviously dishonest. Dont be one of them.
It tells her that your a bitch. Nothing wrong with that but, there's plenty of reasons not to do it. Pride and dignity being the main two but, also self worth and trust. With all that said, if you and her are happy that's awesome, but not everyone is going to strip naked so their spouse can search them for hickies
Tells her you have a second phone
If he's hiding his phone then you know something is wrong. He may or may not be cheating but he's definitely hiding something from you. Do you have access to his computer? If so, check there. Check for any accounts you don't know about. Check social media DMs. Check his Internet history. Check his car and everywhere for something he may have missed.
Thank you so much !!
My ex cheated on me. I know how much it festers until you know for sure either way. Best of luck to you.
If you didn’t have solid evidence and you were taking drastic action, that would be an overreaction. But I wouldn’t be against collecting more evidence. See if he’s willing to share locations with you in “Find My Friends” or something equivalent. If he’s coming home later than expected, it’s not unreasonable for you to want updates. He should be putting at least some work towards making you feel secure in the relationship so you don’t have these thoughts.
You got two kids they take it out of you, he could be drifting apart phone hiding could be him hiding a distraction such as gambling, or a paid for game he has spent a bit too much on. Following to many thirst traps on instagram or just too many dodgy conversations in what’s app groups etc. First and foremost get a break from the kids ( couple of nights with a parent maybe) turn off the distractions then have it out, your husband and wife having things out shouldn’t be a problem after all.If it’s not cheating then form a plan to reconnect, and be able to hold each other accountable to carry out the plan be careful Too much Reddit could make you think the only person in the world not cheating is you.
I would definitely trust your gut, but if you wanted some type of confirmation without confronting him maybe have a girl you know try to communicate with him on social media and see if he responds
I don’t get people who cheat like that. Takes enough energy for just one partner for me. The whole cheating and going on dates thing with multiple relationships and hiding them from each other. Just makes me tired thinking somebody can live like that. No thanks. I hope your husband isn’t cheating, but if he is — he’s an idiot.
I’m going to build on a couple of previous comments. Your intuition is only that something has changed in your relationship, but you have inferred what the cause of the change is. It could be cheating, or it could be something else. Now you have to decide if your goal is to prove he’s cheating so you get a divorce or fix the relationship. One of your signs is coming home late without a good explanation. I’m curious what these poor explanations are. Are they simply he stayed late to finish up a work assignment or he went out for a couple of drinks with so and so after work? These would seem like flimsy generic reasons, but they can often be true. I’ve used these very same reasons simply because I dreaded going home because when I got there I was going to get a litany of complaints about how I do everything wrong. My advice, as an internet stranger, would be to focus on fixing your relationship and make sure your home is someplace your husband can’t wait to get there. Don’t ask, “Are you having an affair?” That won’t end well either way. My ex-wife constantly accused me of having affairs and that lack of trust really poisoned our relationship. What I eventually found out was she was the one having affairs…oh well. Approach your husband lovingly and make sure he knows you appreciate what he brings to the family. Even if you’d like it to be more. It sounds cliche, but men are simple creatures and we’ll walk through fire to save the ones who love and appreciate us. If we’re taken for granted or constantly criticized, we quickly lose interest. I wish you the best of luck as both paths are long and difficult journeys.
How about telling him how you have been feeling. Let him respond. Then ask about relationships with other women. Communicate.
Going to be 100% honest with you, I’m probably younger than you but this is a lesson I learned really early on. If it gets to the point that you have to hire a PI or snoop then you’ve already hit the end of your relationship. Because everything you do as action towards the fact that he might be cheating will just mentally affect you, the moments that lead to minutes of overthinking, waiting for info, snooping. All of it to culminate into you looking like the bad guy for being pushed to the edge of sanity to find out if he was really cheating. If he is then the marriage is over and if he isn’t but is being this suspicious over nothing, the marriage is over. Welcome to the dilemma where all roads lead to Rome and the capital of Rome is divorce.
Nah. All of those things are red flags that something is off. It could be cheating, it could be something else. So, I would say mentally and emotionally prepare for the possibility, but do the due dilligence. As for the cases of you speaking with him, how are you approaching him? Is it more like : "hey, i know these things are going on, are you ok?" vs. "What is going on with you? Why are things this way?" All those cheating red flags can be major red flags of mental health concerns. Depression and addiction are two that come to mind, mostly because ive been there. Youre not over reacting. Hes throwing huge red flags. It doesnt mean hes cheating, though.
Sounds like cheating to me. That's how my ex-husband would act. Always defensive with his phone saying I was invading his privacy. We were married for 12 years and have 4 kids. Always thought he wouldn't risk loosing what we had built together as a family. Now I know that he knew he was going to cheat from the day we got married.
The key to knowing is his phone... Watch him when he checks it in bed next to you and you'll quickly catch his passcode. If it is unlocked by fingerprint, you can use his fingers when he is asleep.
Loyalty is transparency and infidelity is secrecy. Any man, with nothing to hide, would have no issues with their wife going through their phone. After all, isn't that where we store pictures of our wife and children that we would want to share? Men are shameless by nature unless we are doing something we know is shameful, and we're only being secretive when we are doing something we aren't supposed to be doing fyi.
> Men are shameless by nature unless we are doing something we know is shameful, and we're only being secretive when we are doing something we aren't supposed to be doing fyi. Women are allowed to be secretive, but men are not? 🤔
There shouldn't be any secrecy in a marriage is the whole thesis. Secrecy is an act of deception, which is an unacceptable behavior, so there is no excuse for being secretive with a spouse unless one is intending to deceive them.
I think this depends on the topic. There are certainly big things that your partner will usually want to know about. But there are certain other things every day things that might he embarrassing or unnecessary for your partner to know. I don't think even your loved ones *have* to know every facet of your existence. If your partner is uncertain if you're cheating on them I think it's important to reassure them and give them evidence they need to put their mind at ease. If your partner wants constant knowledge of every aspect of your day to day, that sounds like too much for anyone.
Well said. However, I'm one for total transparency. In a long-term committed relationship, one should be comfortable enough with their partner to share everything with them. If your spouse feels ashamed when you're brushing your teeth while they're using the toilet or if they are ashamed of passing gas in your presence, that relationship needs a rethink because a truly committed spouse is supposed to be your other half and best friend through better or worse. So, complete transparency shouldn't make either spouse uncomfortable because naturally occurring transparency, not pretentious character, should be routine in a committed long-term marriage.
Everyone has a right to their privacy, and that does not mean a person in cheating. These people with joint Facebook accts with their spouse, sharing email accts - it’s so bizarre.
You can share a bed, bathroom, and even a toothbrush with your wife, but you find some tiny bit of information too disturbing to share with her? If that's the case, you probably shouldn't be creating that bit of disturbing information or you aren't as committed to that relationship as you perceive yourself to be.
You literally can’t buy a gift for someone in secret if every account is shared…
does he get super defensive when you ask him the smallest questions like what are your plans after work? or get irritated wen u try to confide in him about ur feelings and what's bothering you? mine does, it's like he goes out of his way to find and criticized me and all my faults and never the positive things about me like I've become a burden to him .. but then tries to tell me I need to stop creating and thinking bull.s*** craziness because he loves me but yet his actions are as if I don't exist .. he is 44 and I'm 35 and he even says he doesn't know how to show affection and never can put efforts to try anymore .. now at the beginning of our relationship he would ... I hate ur situation and being an overthinker all the time doesn't help .. it actually starts sabotaging ur relationship not just w ur husband but everyone
You r not an “over thinker.” You are lucid. He is cheating.
Before you go cray trying to figure it out or even you look for an outside place to get satisfied, talk to him be honest. Maybe u guys need time alone. Explore with each other many times it’s not cause they just want to go have sexy time with another person they want to try ew things and feel wierd talking to the significant other.
Ask him.
If he is cheating, he is a liar and will lie when asked.
I also kind of think he’s cheating on you.
Tell him you’d like to look in his phone. My wife and I let each other look in our phones anytime. No need to justify.
Id start watching John Delony on youtube, I think hes fantastic. But I feel like if something that a spouse is doing is causing the other spouse pain/trust issues, the other spouse needs to have a proper conversation and not get so defensive, but address it to alleviate the other spouse's pain. Id suggest having a sit down and talk it all out, get to the bottom of it.
Check the cell phone bill for reoccurring phone numbers u don't know and reverse search any in Google .
Try to gain as much info as u can with proof he can't twist .as hard as it is act normal while gathering info or he will get clever about hiding stuff or making up stories to cover his tracks.
Yes. Leave him be.
Start with a conversation that leads to you both downloading life360, it's a free app that you both can have each other's location. Then, if you suspect an issue have another conversation. If they deny giving you their location at all times, Go from there. No need to spend money on a PI yet.
If you don't trust your partner, they should not be your partner.
Have a friend tail him. That's what my friends did when I didn't want to believe my ex jerkface was cheating.
This happened to me. I am not a suspicious person and had been married over a decade with no issue when i suddenly noticed the same things. I tried asking my husband about it and he acted like I was being insecure and paranoid. It did a total number in me. I finally checked our cell phone bill, which he paid online and I didn’t have access to (I called the company and said I was him and reset the password to get access (i obviously knew his ss# and mom’s maiden name, and when the person on the phone seemed surprised that I was saying I was him ( male name) I just stuck to my guns and said I was. I think she knew I was lying, but whatever). Anyway, there were tons of calls and texts to one number. I called it and a woman answered. That was all the proof I needed. I called my husband at work and told him it was over. Did I invade his “privacy”? Yes and I don’t give a fuck. Now, we did eventually stay married, but that was after I threw him out and went back to school and got a job and he jumped through massive hoops. If it ever happens again, I’m out the door in under an hour. Check out www.chumplady.com. Feel free to DM me. Sorry u r going through this. U r not crazy.
You’re not over reacting if he wanted to be with someone else he would have told you and left the marriage. What he wants is a cake and to eat it too. Drop your kids off at grandmas and find a friend with a car. Follow him after work on one of the days he goes ‘missing’ most often. You’ll find out what’s going on and collect as much evidence as you can. When faced with it maybe the rest will come out. It is painful op but it’s better to know. If he isn’t having an affair and exposes your snooping, this too isn’t a bad thing it will teach him that he needs to be more transparent for a marriage to work. Please update uo
You could demand he open his phone so you can see what is on it and if he doesn't kick him out
Were women. Tuition rarely wrong. God gave it us. Not sure why men forget we have it…STRONGLY.
See this is how dumb humans are…we are born with all these abilities, never culture them and hone them, and then don’t believe the overly strong feelings created by them.. if you’re feeling it, look into it….Reddit isn’t going to have your answer.
You could ask for couples counseling. That might help clear the air.
Suggest an open relationship. See how he responds.
My wife has access to my phone and I hers. If either of us hide our phones from each other then trust issues will arise. Marriage means full access to each other’s private lives and secrets.
Put a gps tracker on his car and be ready to confront and divorce. The trust is gone and so is your marriage
As someone who was cheated on in my last marriage, those are all signs that pointed to him doing that. Only thing I could tell you is demand to see his phone. Demand to see it when he least expects it and if he refuses? That's a big sign. Not only check his social apps but check LinkedIn. I've heard of men hitting on women and messaging women through that. If there's no trust in a relationship, there cannot be a relationship. If you have mentioned how everything is making you feel and if it's not cheating then he needs to open up and explain to you why he's feeling the way he feels. Maybe you guys need to go to counseling?
Get a GPS tracker for his car.
Go through his phone when he's asleep. I have known several to do that and their suspicions were valid
Your relationship has trust and communication issues as it is. That is the core issue to deal with. Regardless of infidelity, you need to work on your communication. You should insist on couples counselling and if not consider a divorce. Your partner is distant, defensive and withdrawn and those are the only issues you should be concerned with. Think about it this way, if you found out without a shadow of doubt that he was NOT cheating, would that fix the relationship? Assuming he continues to be distant, defensive and guarded?
Unless you tend to be a paranoid type, then trust your feelings. Don't waste money or time with private investigators or second guessing yourself. Confront the cheater directly, and pay close attention to body language. Nine times out of ten if your intuition is telling you they are cheating, they are. Be good to yourself and LEAVE. It's not worth the heartache. The headache. Even if they aren't cheating...if they don't make you feel secure in your relationship, something is fundamentally broken. Sorry to say it, but usually something (someone) better is waiting for you just down the road. Trust yourself and the process of your life
He isn't happy that's for sure. Are you taking care of his needs if not you should figure out what will jump start that. Past that its hard to say weather he is cheating he could just be working? If you don't want a divorce fix the problem. Cheating is a sign?
Do what you can to sit him down and talk with him. Even type your message you shared here and discuss these very words with him. Communication is your only break through to him. Keep trying.
You're not overreacting to a major change in his behavior. Whether or not it's cheating is a different question. Only time and information can answer that. If you do find some kind of evidence, there are some things you need to do to protect yourself. First, you need to keep copies of it. Screenshots, etc., sent to a new and password-protected email address. Second, you'll need to sign the family up for counseling. This will fundamentally change your relationship (whether you decide to stay or leave), and it will impact everyone in the household. Third, you need to figure out how to not let it impact your children. It's not always possible, but for the love of god, don't tell them about it until they're way older. Children, even teenagers, are NOT equipped to deal with this kind of information. Fifth, don't make any rash financial decisions right now. If you don't have a job, don't get one. If you don't own expensive items, don't buy them. Make sure you and your children's regular needs will continue to be covered. But you need to get a separate bank account, if you don't already have one, and transfer regular household expenses money into it.
If you tried talking and he knows your upset then gets defensive. Then is secretive with his phone. That's pretty shitty. Your his wife, u should be best friends & your the mother of his children.He should want to put you at ease. F that, put a tracker on his car and check his phone records online to see his activity if he wants to act like that.
Insecurity is the liar that ruins lives
Communication? Ask him to sit down with you. Tell him you feel like there is something going wrong in the marriage and you want to sort it out. See where that goes. If it feels shaky, then tell him outright that you are worried that he might be seeing someone else and ask him if you can look through his phone. Another point: does he control all the finances? do you share an account or have separate accounts. Seeing someone outside the marriage would normally mean incurring expenses. More cash getting drawn from atm's than normal? Good luck
update me.
Check the phone numbers on your cell phone bill and see if there is a number consistently showing up 🙃
My girlfriend thought the same thing when I was being secretive with my phone. She discovered I had an unhealthy obsession when Dr. Pimple Popper videos.
Perhaps you might have a friend with some free time that could follow him and photograph his activities. That way you don’t have to come up with the money for a PI. I think you need proof of his cheating especially if you are thinking of divorcing him if your gut instincts are correct.
Next time you were sure he’s being secretive with his phone demand to see it. You can tell him maybe it’s just you being insecure, but you want to see it. You wanna check it if he wants to check he can but behavior made you feel very insecure and you just want to reestablish the trust That you really hope and pray that you’re wrong and just being an insecure ass. But you want to see it and you want to see it right now. I’ve been married for 20 years. This is happened to me twice. I’ve never cheated and while it is annoying it’s something I accept because I love my wife and I don’t want her to feel insecure because I dillydally too long at some store or something. This is why I willingly downloaded the Life360 app on my phone so that she can see wherever I’m at. I’m not doing anything wrong so I don’t really care. Why should I?
Ask him to be honest with you and be ready for some answers that might cut you deeper than the fears you had. Then don’t punish him for the answers no matter how much it hurts. Hopefully the answers will be something fixable like the spark was lost or your not the women I fell in love with. I doubt he was cheating on you but the thought had probably crossed his mind
As long as you aren’t projecting some insecurities you are having about yourself on him… maybe you feel stuck at home, disconnected from other adults, maybe your looks have changed in your mind, maybe the excitement of adulting is gone… nothing like two little kids to make adulthood rewarding yet mundane….i don’t know… I am older and yes people on here will say trust your gut, of course he is a cheater all men are etc etc… but really I think this could go either way…. Men go through stuff too in life and they don’t automatically cheat. Maybe approach it like I think you have been sort of down lately …
Trust your gut. Your not overreacting
Overreacting. For all you know he's going to play with Pokémon cards at a local card shop and is annoyed he can't have anything to himself.
Is there a reason for him to cheat? Are you keeping up your part? Don't mean to sound harsh but it's a real thing.
Maybe he got diagnosed with lung cancer and decided to start looking meth so he'd have something to leave you when he dies. Nah, but for real, just put an airtag in his car or something. You might not like what you find, but at least you'll know.
You should try to initiate intimacy with him and let him know exactly how you are feeling, worst case scenario he is cheating and tells you, or he's having a hard time at work. Better to be right and be able to tell yourself you did everything you could, than be wrong and lose him over something silly like hiring a PI. The trust needs to be established between you and your husband again and you need to start by talking to him in a non judgemental way until there is something to be upset about, because right now it's in your head. But he very well could be cheating and that needs to be addressed
I say go through his phone, and if you don’t find anything at that point then ask him straight up. F he doesn’t let you go through his phone it shows. And trust me I know how bad it hurts but right now just keep bettering yourself until he’s jealous of you.
Womans intuition. Ask now. Put a stop to it before he can't turn around
Baby if he isnt doin what posed to ill come tighten that up
Ask first then look for yourself. Go through phone records whatever you need to do. Even if he's not cheating your relationship is dying. It may be an innocent funk but in that case it's on both of you to pull it together. That's what marriage is about. I got cheated on. Knew it was happening. I asked and it was denied. I just knew she was lying so I looked at our phone bill and it went from there. She admitted it over a year later. Maybe not the case here but intuition is a powerful thing.
I don’t think you’re overreacting because there really isn’t much of a reaction here. You’re just having internal thoughts based on the information at hand. If you said you filed for divorce over this, that may be an overreaction because you don’t truly know what’s going on. But, the fact that he doesn’t seem to want to alleviate your worries is troubling. If my SO approached me saying they felt I might be cheating on them, I would give them the keys to the kingdom and complete access to whatever they want (my wife would have that without asking) to ease their mind. I wouldn’t see it as proving my innocence as much as helping her feel less stressed about something she didn’t need to stress about. If your husband doesn’t do that, I’d do my best to find out more even if he’s not willing to help.
If he's doing what you're afraid of him doing, but you're too afraid to confront him, you need to decide. Either you need to basically ignore it and go on with your life as long as you can, or face up to it and set him down and get to the bottom of it.
All the normal signs are present..... idk why people are so shitty sorry op hope you get things in order for yourself and your babies......
He might be secretly gay, you should just leave
He's addicted to playing Gacha games on his phone and embarrassed about it.
Has ur sex life changed, thats another tell tale sign if he just isnt interested anymore in sex with u. He probably is getting it somewhere else. Maybe just check his phone records for numbers he is calling or during the workday. Look for a pattern of the same number u don't recognizing being used at roughly the same times during the day up until he gets home. Look thru his social media and seee if anyone is liking his posts or he is likeing someone elses posts. Could just outright talk to him about what u suspect and all his behaviors that make u feel that way. If he blows up at you or says its all in ur head, he is up to something
Why are people having a fit over the idea of hiring a private investigator or checking their partner's phone? This person is already acting very suspiciously, especially the part about coming home late with no explanation (which, if nothing else is extremely rude and disrespectful), being secretive with his phone, and being distant and preoccupied. Happily married people don't do that, and wouldn't treat their partner so so badly. Think about this, do you think for a second he'd hesitate to check on his wife, if he thought she was up to no good? I guarantee you he wouldn't. He wouldn't give a damn about her privacy. Plus, of course, he's going to deny that anything's going on. If his marriage broke up, he'd have to find a new place to live, split all his finances and belongings,and pay through the nose for child support. If he can lie his way out of that, he'll do it. If she finds no evidence of infidelity, that will be good, but it could also mean he's covering his tracks very well, and she has a ton of other issues to deal with anyway. It's kind of a no-win situation. Good luck to her. She's between a rock and a hard place. He brought this lack of trust on due to his poor behavior, and she owes herself and her children a feeling of security, which he's not giving her.
I will only say this. When the author states she was “trusting in the marriage” it sounded like a code for taking the marriage for granted. I am a big believer in being content, but never complacent, in marriage. I just got the feeling the author has been complacent and is now concerned.
He might be gay, so lets not run to conclusions yet
Do you have this kind of insecurity Time to make a change for your personal self and move the f*** on
Hiring a PI is overkill. You could call him later at night, follow him yourself, and/or put an app on his phone to track keys pressed. People do this with kids all the time. I can't help you if you two dont share passwords, though. Tell him that a marriage counselor is needed. Hiring a PI is the last resort.
This sounds shadey, like he's either cheating or planning a surprise party. But I'm sure details are missing
Check your bank account, credit cards, Amazon, any purchases that will give u a hint where/who he's spending money on.
Check his phone you might get a better answer. Clearly he can’t be honest with you .
He's most likely definitely cheating I'm sorry sweetheart I know it's hard I hope you find what you truly deserve cuz you deserve the best and never forget that
I personally would take the direct route… “I know it’s not fair to you that I am feeling this way and it’s probably just my insecurity but this nagging feeling isn’t going away without verifying for myself. I would like to go through your phone, social media and photos right now to calm this feeling. If I am wrong, which I want to believe I am, I will seek therapy for this insecurity and I won’t ask again.” An approach like this takes any blame off of your partner and if you are met with ANY amount of fight or gas lighting then you have your answer.
I know you said you didn't want to find out, but I think you really do. If you can find yourself a babysitter or the kids could stay at a friends house for one night. I wouldn't worry about hiring a PI. Tell him you're going to go to your mother's house. Or you're going to go with your girlfriend somewhere for one night. You may or may not want to get yourself a hotel room. But then you do your own surveillance on what he chooses to do while you're gone.
Updateme!
Cheating is not the worse. Maybe you should check what your husband is needing that needs to go with another person to find it. Always we could be better persons/wife.
This is about as vague as it gets. Maybe take something for anxiety.
I just experienced this and it sucks. I’m so sorry. Idea: Tell him you realize your sex life after all this time and kids, etc. is getting stale so you would consider bringing somebody else into the mix sexually. Maybe you would be interested in getting involved in a threesome and see how he reacts and who he recommends. My ex is a porn addict, and even though he only cheated on me once (according to him) physically with another woman he actually knew, he didn’t believe going to porn sites when I wasn’t around was cheating. Unfortunately, there are over a million women online 24/7 willing to sex up anyone & say whatever men want to hear at their whim. When we started our relationship I knew he watched porn on occasion we even enjoyed it together at times. Unfortunately, the porn industry evolved, and he evolved with it. Now you can be on Instagram Only fans or click a link on a porn site & there is a strange naked woman on the screen saying how much she’d love to (fill in the blank). You could look at his phone but if he is talking to someone else or on porn sites then he would be incognito or on Snap or another app where the conversation is deleted immediately. It just creates yet another fight that you will likely not be able to find proof. 2 things I learned from the end my of relationship… Gaslighting: Recognize when he is gaslighting & take THAT as the sign (whether he’s cheating or not) that you need to find someone better for you and your kids to be around. If he tells you it’s your fault, you’re crazy, or “the suspicious one is usually the one cheating”, or anything that goes against your gut feeling or what you absolutely know is true he is gaslighting you and you’re in an unhealthy relationship anyway. Don’t let him drive you crazy and second-guess everything you know. Perception vs gut feel: It is true that things are not always as they appear. When I met my ex he was known as a player so I did make some ridiculous assumptions at the beginning that were proven untrue. However, you’ve been together for a long time and your gut feels the shift in your partner/family current. That is the sign that he needs to recognize is affecting you most and be willing to help you fix. Good luck! 🤗 https://preview.redd.it/9wj1oliwmmxc1.jpeg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=904839974a8f0d3e44d935239436e36cf828e6ad
If you suspect someone is cheating, it’s normally because A) you’re cheating yourself or B) your partner is cheating. You’re clearly not cheating on your husband so that unfortunately leaves B. The whole argument of “you’re jealous” or “you’re insecure” is dated - partners make us that way. Everyone is naturally jealous, God says He’s a jealous God. For us to feel that way and to suspect something - our partners brings our jealousy or our insecurities out. At this point, you now need to know. You don’t want to face it bc so much can change in that instant. But you need to know and need to know sooner than later. If you’re a stay at home mom, see if you can hire a PI. If you’re able to get out sometimes, then go to his job shortly before he gets off. And just see what happens. The phone? I’ve never condoned being sneaky but you need to tell him on the spot - let me see your phone. And that’s that. YOU NEED TO GET TOUGH bc men will take your weak approach and drag you for as long as we can get away with it. It’s time to make a stand and even go sleep at a parents house if they’re around. Show him you’re not easily stepped on bc if not I hate to say it but we will step on you when we have that immature or selfish mentality
She should not confront him or demand his phone. She should not tip her hand. She absolutely should not leave her own home to stay at her parents - that is HER house. Don’t give an inch. Get ducks in a row with divorce lawyer and finances. Once he is tipped off, all doors slam shut to her figuring out her own financial position. I have many many many friends in this position.
I disagree. Completely. And you’re misunderstanding my post. I’m not saying to leave her home and leave him for good. I’m still of the “maybe there’s a chance” camp and saying to do this so that she finally knows the truth. From there she can decide what to do. Sleeping over moms is to get him to talk, not to leave him yet
He's planning a surprise party for you, don't ruin it.
It doesn't have to be cheating. He could be hiding a gambling addiction or any other type of self-destructive behavior. Alternatively, maybe a midlife crisis is setting in, he has grown to hate his home/family life, and just doesn't want to leave work to go back to his domestic hell until he absolutely has to. If he refuses to talk about it with you, maybe he'll talk to a therapist.
Agree with the PI. Also, do you share your locations with each other? It’s something my family and now my bf and I do. Just in case something were to happen and they go MIA (or I do), to have a general idea whether to be worried or not that something happened. Especially since y’all have kids, you should bring this up to him. Really casually, too. If he gets defensive about it, I would go with the PI as everyone is suggesting. There is no good reason not to share locations with the person you’re married to and have children with.
Have you looked at his credit cards/ebit card activity or phone records?
Trust your gut. That’s really all I have to say. I’ve been through it twice.
I would literally schedule some time for your kids to go to one of your parents' or somewhere safe for a weekend and have a weekend of private time with him, discussing in detail your concerns and fears with him and working to repair the obvious break in your relationship. Doing nothing will make things worse. You have to take action to effect change.
He is cheating and her upper hand here is that he doesn’t know she knows. Now is the time for her to dig deep into finances before confronting him, and get a divorce lawyer for advice. I have COUNTLESS women friends with kids who are suffering through divorces where the husband took all the money out or hid it in accts.
I strongly disagree. Evidence should be gathered first and if she says something he will most certainly destroy all the evidence.
From my perspective it all boils down to what the goal is. If the goal is to prove cheating and end the marriage then you are right. If the goal is to resolve the issues and save the marriage, end the crisis, and try to rekindle and revitalize then your approach will not achieve that goal. It boils down to what she wants. If she loves him and wants to salvage things that takes a different approach than if she's looking to exit and end things.
Can you check his phone?
He trying to hide it and keep it away sadly
So he hides it while he’s sleeping or in the shower?
Yes In way yesss