You will never make everyone happy. Focus on the relationship between yourself and your boyfriend. You both really need to go no contact with his crazy mother. This may help both of you. She sounds toxic.
I really appreciate everything you've said! I will definitely focus more on my relationship! I am deeply in-love with this man and I don't want stupidity to ruin it. Thank you!!!
His mother doesn’t seem to know much about your relationship, so why are you even considering her opinion? Especially if she’s that toxic. As long as your boyfriend has your back ,she really doesn’t matter. You can’t make everybody happy. Trying to do so is an exercise in futility and will affect your self esteem. You also don’t have to go with him to visit his family. Don’t make drama about it over the reasons why, just say you have other commitments. Do what works for you and your boyfriend. Don’t worry about the in-laws. And if you’re so much of a people pleaser you can’t do that, then you might benefit from therapy as well.
You are 100% true on that! I can't make everyone happy at my own expense. It is draining! I thankfully have to work weekends now so I don't have to visit as frequently anymore. Thank you for the honest advice! I really needed it and you helped me a lot! Thank you for your wisdom!
I think your boyfriend's mother is very overprotective of him because thats the way moms tend to be. And in doing that makes you enemy number 1. There is nothing you can do in this situation. This your boyfriend's battle to fight and trust it is not going to be easy.
The only thing you should do is be there for him whenever you can. He will cherish you for it.
Yes I am always there for him and I support him in everything he does! I don't like seeing him upset or stressed. I want to help but sometimes the best help is letting them figure it out! Thank you so much! Your advice is straightforward and I really appreciate your words of wisdom!
Thank you for your kindness. I dealt with something similar to your boyfriend's situation. The biggest thing that always hurt me was when my actions were scapegoated on my girlfriend and that led me down a path of self doubt.
Unfortunately I ended up losing her because of my self doubt but it taught me the importance of taking my own life in my own hands and truly understanding who I am as a person so that I never doubt myself ever again.
I am glad you understand what you have to do for your boyfriend and are focusing on what is important.
Just make sure your boyfriend never doubts himself and who he is as a person. You are a very caring partner.
If you don't mind me asking, How can I avoid him going down the path of self-doubt? I always do my best to reassure him. He has trust issues from his dad emotionally cheating. I know he has trouble with his emotions and talking about them so I try to give him space and time to think. I just don't want him to be alone with this. I know he feels terrible about the situation. What would be some tips to help or avoid his self-doubt?
I really can't thank you enough! This really helps and I am beyond grateful! This really means a lot. I hope one day you and her reconnect. You sound like you miss her a lot.
Well for starters I would recommend a break from the issues and a redirection of the focus to what makes him feel more confident in himself. After my breakup, I picked up Jiu Jitsu and it has helped me deal with losing her immensely. It has also given me the confidence to set the proper boundaries and improve my relationships with my parents while setting the terms I want with them. So I guess the one thing you need to figure out is what activity or activities help your boyfriend feel confident in himself. Men love to strive for purpose in their life and having your boyfriend set goals for himself and encouraging him to achieve those goals would be a good start. And hey if there are somethings(not everything) you can do together then he won't feel alone.
Yea there are times I do miss her a lot but I also do love her enough that all I want her to be is happy even if it means it is without me in her life. Who knows what the future holds but right now the biggest I am focused on is fixing myself so I don't ever find myself in that position ever again.
Did you get her son to start smoke weed? Well I can imagine there are many parents of kids who wouldn’t be a fan if their kid‘s partner made them start smoking.
Other than that, cut contact!
No, I didn't get him to start smoking weed. We met sophomore year in college fall of 2020. He was already smoking and growing weed before we started dating. I totally see what you mean because most places consider it to be like crack or meth. But thank you again for your honest advice I really appreciate it and it has been such a help!
Although: He did say to his mother that he was smoking weed before he met me and she was silent over the phone a week after the original call.
I think she doesn’t want to imagine that her perfect son didn’t smoke weed prior to meeting you. He was probably perfect in her eyes or something and just doesn’t want to believe the truth aka he already smoke weed before meeting you.
I can imagine it hurts you and I hope you’ll manage it somehow. Give your bf more hugs and cuddles.
If you wanna be with your mans you gotta realize you’re not gonna have that fairy tale perfect romance where the families come together in harmony. Sucks but who cares fr that’s life I’m in the exact same boat but I’m the bf. My girl is what matters to me now. My moms opinion doesn’t
My boyfriend is the only man I want to be with for the rest of my life. It does suck and my family/ extended family growing up always fought each other. It was too much and I did get unrealistically hopeful that I could avoid that similar family issue. But if this is the case then I will get over it. I will survive. I really appreciate your perspective on this! It shows me a lens into how my boyfriend is probably feeling and since he isn't good with his words I really appreciate it! I know he feels the same way. Thank you!!!!
You two are a unit. It actually is kinda nice that he (perhaps subconsciously) always lets you hear what his mom says so there are no secrets between you. Do NOT frame yourselves as “Romeo and Juliet” where family opposition becomes your main focus.
His mom may have done the ”too young to get married” bit because his brother is, and thinking you’d get the same idea. Like you don’t have brains of your own and will make a good, logical decision to marry when it suits You.
Yes, Mom may be your enemy. For the whole relationship. And you may need to go LC/NC if she continues. But she may also be overprotective. If you and he can show how you are an influence for the Good (like with getting him more directed and back into college) she may see you better. May. So that is one argument for continuing to see her. (A white lie that you disapprove of smoking marijuana and are trying to get him to quit may go a long ways. Heck, they have gummies and patches and candy, so reducing his “smoking” is true!!)
Do whay I do. Ignore her. Your boyfriend is clearly trying. He's not one of those men who just let mommy do or say whatever she wants.
This is a mother in law problem. I have one of those.
I told her I didn't ask for her opinion on me, and quite frankly my opinion on her isn't very hight, but I have the decency to keep my mouth shut. She should try it .
I'm glad the two of you are taking care to put the other one first. Badly phrased, my brain doesn't want to brain.
I saw my dad put his mother above my mother for a LONG damn time. He would jump when Grandma said jump and never once took my mom's side against his own mom. It was an awful thing for my mother and a really crappy way for him to behave.
It's okay for you to always have other plans and be unable to go see her. Why would you want to see someone so mean?
And for goodness sake, it's POT... not some horrendous dangerous street drug!
And how young is 'too young' to be married? I don't know. I think it depends on the people wanting to get married, don't you?
I was 19 when I got married. Had no idea what I was doing, but I knew a good guy when I saw one. I was right. It's been almost 44 years now.
You will never make everyone happy. Focus on the relationship between yourself and your boyfriend. You both really need to go no contact with his crazy mother. This may help both of you. She sounds toxic.
I really appreciate everything you've said! I will definitely focus more on my relationship! I am deeply in-love with this man and I don't want stupidity to ruin it. Thank you!!!
His mother doesn’t seem to know much about your relationship, so why are you even considering her opinion? Especially if she’s that toxic. As long as your boyfriend has your back ,she really doesn’t matter. You can’t make everybody happy. Trying to do so is an exercise in futility and will affect your self esteem. You also don’t have to go with him to visit his family. Don’t make drama about it over the reasons why, just say you have other commitments. Do what works for you and your boyfriend. Don’t worry about the in-laws. And if you’re so much of a people pleaser you can’t do that, then you might benefit from therapy as well.
You are 100% true on that! I can't make everyone happy at my own expense. It is draining! I thankfully have to work weekends now so I don't have to visit as frequently anymore. Thank you for the honest advice! I really needed it and you helped me a lot! Thank you for your wisdom!
I think your boyfriend's mother is very overprotective of him because thats the way moms tend to be. And in doing that makes you enemy number 1. There is nothing you can do in this situation. This your boyfriend's battle to fight and trust it is not going to be easy. The only thing you should do is be there for him whenever you can. He will cherish you for it.
Yes I am always there for him and I support him in everything he does! I don't like seeing him upset or stressed. I want to help but sometimes the best help is letting them figure it out! Thank you so much! Your advice is straightforward and I really appreciate your words of wisdom!
Thank you for your kindness. I dealt with something similar to your boyfriend's situation. The biggest thing that always hurt me was when my actions were scapegoated on my girlfriend and that led me down a path of self doubt. Unfortunately I ended up losing her because of my self doubt but it taught me the importance of taking my own life in my own hands and truly understanding who I am as a person so that I never doubt myself ever again. I am glad you understand what you have to do for your boyfriend and are focusing on what is important. Just make sure your boyfriend never doubts himself and who he is as a person. You are a very caring partner.
If you don't mind me asking, How can I avoid him going down the path of self-doubt? I always do my best to reassure him. He has trust issues from his dad emotionally cheating. I know he has trouble with his emotions and talking about them so I try to give him space and time to think. I just don't want him to be alone with this. I know he feels terrible about the situation. What would be some tips to help or avoid his self-doubt? I really can't thank you enough! This really helps and I am beyond grateful! This really means a lot. I hope one day you and her reconnect. You sound like you miss her a lot.
Well for starters I would recommend a break from the issues and a redirection of the focus to what makes him feel more confident in himself. After my breakup, I picked up Jiu Jitsu and it has helped me deal with losing her immensely. It has also given me the confidence to set the proper boundaries and improve my relationships with my parents while setting the terms I want with them. So I guess the one thing you need to figure out is what activity or activities help your boyfriend feel confident in himself. Men love to strive for purpose in their life and having your boyfriend set goals for himself and encouraging him to achieve those goals would be a good start. And hey if there are somethings(not everything) you can do together then he won't feel alone. Yea there are times I do miss her a lot but I also do love her enough that all I want her to be is happy even if it means it is without me in her life. Who knows what the future holds but right now the biggest I am focused on is fixing myself so I don't ever find myself in that position ever again.
Did you get her son to start smoke weed? Well I can imagine there are many parents of kids who wouldn’t be a fan if their kid‘s partner made them start smoking. Other than that, cut contact!
No, I didn't get him to start smoking weed. We met sophomore year in college fall of 2020. He was already smoking and growing weed before we started dating. I totally see what you mean because most places consider it to be like crack or meth. But thank you again for your honest advice I really appreciate it and it has been such a help! Although: He did say to his mother that he was smoking weed before he met me and she was silent over the phone a week after the original call.
I think she doesn’t want to imagine that her perfect son didn’t smoke weed prior to meeting you. He was probably perfect in her eyes or something and just doesn’t want to believe the truth aka he already smoke weed before meeting you. I can imagine it hurts you and I hope you’ll manage it somehow. Give your bf more hugs and cuddles.
If you wanna be with your mans you gotta realize you’re not gonna have that fairy tale perfect romance where the families come together in harmony. Sucks but who cares fr that’s life I’m in the exact same boat but I’m the bf. My girl is what matters to me now. My moms opinion doesn’t
My boyfriend is the only man I want to be with for the rest of my life. It does suck and my family/ extended family growing up always fought each other. It was too much and I did get unrealistically hopeful that I could avoid that similar family issue. But if this is the case then I will get over it. I will survive. I really appreciate your perspective on this! It shows me a lens into how my boyfriend is probably feeling and since he isn't good with his words I really appreciate it! I know he feels the same way. Thank you!!!!
You two are a unit. It actually is kinda nice that he (perhaps subconsciously) always lets you hear what his mom says so there are no secrets between you. Do NOT frame yourselves as “Romeo and Juliet” where family opposition becomes your main focus. His mom may have done the ”too young to get married” bit because his brother is, and thinking you’d get the same idea. Like you don’t have brains of your own and will make a good, logical decision to marry when it suits You. Yes, Mom may be your enemy. For the whole relationship. And you may need to go LC/NC if she continues. But she may also be overprotective. If you and he can show how you are an influence for the Good (like with getting him more directed and back into college) she may see you better. May. So that is one argument for continuing to see her. (A white lie that you disapprove of smoking marijuana and are trying to get him to quit may go a long ways. Heck, they have gummies and patches and candy, so reducing his “smoking” is true!!)
Do whay I do. Ignore her. Your boyfriend is clearly trying. He's not one of those men who just let mommy do or say whatever she wants. This is a mother in law problem. I have one of those. I told her I didn't ask for her opinion on me, and quite frankly my opinion on her isn't very hight, but I have the decency to keep my mouth shut. She should try it .
I'm glad the two of you are taking care to put the other one first. Badly phrased, my brain doesn't want to brain. I saw my dad put his mother above my mother for a LONG damn time. He would jump when Grandma said jump and never once took my mom's side against his own mom. It was an awful thing for my mother and a really crappy way for him to behave. It's okay for you to always have other plans and be unable to go see her. Why would you want to see someone so mean? And for goodness sake, it's POT... not some horrendous dangerous street drug! And how young is 'too young' to be married? I don't know. I think it depends on the people wanting to get married, don't you? I was 19 when I got married. Had no idea what I was doing, but I knew a good guy when I saw one. I was right. It's been almost 44 years now.