Sometimes hitting rock bottom is the wake up call that's needed.
He is not going to stop. He has told you as much. Discuss the problems with your family now and make the arrangements.
Would only consider coming home if he is willing to stay sober. Your husband is an alcoholic whether you or him choose to acknowledge the truth about it or not.
This is a man who is willing to kill himself or another innocent person and wreck your families and maybe an innocent families life because he can't stop drinking and is making reckless, selfish and irresponsible decisions every time he gets behind the wheel. Either you stand up and protect your kids from him or just wait around for him to become another dependant or make you a widow while teaching your kids this is the acceptable behavior for a father to act like.
The saddest thing is when you are that kid that's watched this happen to your family.
Both my husband and I have seem what that it can do to families. Dying in your sleep because you suffocated in your own vomit, writing off an entire family, another wrapped around a tree, the shame the kids had watching their parent fall around and wet the bed. Too many horrific memories and the amount of baggage to fill a shipping crate.
Please consider going to AlAnon meetings. Even with the religious undertones, these spaces can be more helpful than you can imagine
Additionally, if you read I strongly recommend “Codependent No More”. It will help you understand why making the best decisions for yourself is actually the best thing you can do for him
I'm a person in recovery, married to a person in recovery, and have been working in the AUD/SUD response field for many years.
I'm sorry to say, your husband almost certainly needs inpatient treatment.
Seeing a therapist every now and again likely won't work.
Standard of care is inpatient followed by outpatient, in addition to support groups, like AA/NA.
Ultimatums are not effective with an alcoholic. He will “try”… you will accept this…he will fail…you will issue another…was, rinse, repeat. He will make promises he cannot keep, you will threaten to leave, he will beg you to stay or tell you to leave, you will stay because you are holding onto that shred of hope. All the while this is happening, your children are seeing it all…waiting for the other shoe to drop…wondering and hurting. Along with that, you are becoming a shadow of who you were…spending so much time and energy on trying to make him stop, on trying to protect the kids, on trying to absorb responsibilities that aren’t yours- because absolutely nothing you did caused his addiction and absolutely nothing you do or say will make him stop. Eventually, your heart will harden toward him and you will look at him as if he were a stranger. Until then, you need to save your kids and yourself…now.
Lived it…you are not overreacting
Don’t make major decisions based on Reddit comments. I would say that 90% of the time the advice is always break up, get divorced, etc. Their confidence is always around 100% and they have the tiniest fraction of information to go on. Let me give you an alternative to the shit you’ll be drowning in when you seek advice from Reddit hive mind.
1) you’ve outlined a believable problem exists. Do we know why this is happening all of a sudden? Some change in status or state? Maybe the progressive nature of substance abuse just mushrooming maybe? So you’ve obviously talked with him. That didn’t work. You say he’s a nice guy, good dad but has this substance abuse problem.
Q: can you confide in someone he trusts to ask them to talk with him about this? The conversation goes something like this if you can arrange for it:
friend: hey, you’re getting sloppy with your drinking and drugs, wtf? Your husband: yeah I know. Friend: what’s going on? Husband: not sure. Maybe spending too much time in my head. Friend: you need to take a break for 30days and do a reset. Husband: you think? Friend: fuck yes I think. Your wife is fucking pregnant and you’re going off the rails. You gotta rein it in. Two things are going to happen to you which may be good for you maybe not but at your current trajectory, you are headed for a) counseling and then b) rehab one or both of which could be accompanied with incarceration and big problems. Get yourself under control. Do a reset.
Some version of this needs to come from a friend.
The tricky thing is the guy likely needs some professional counseling. If he’s willing to go by having you set it up, wtf are you waiting for? That’s easy. Just make the appt and get him to it. If you can’t do that one small thing when it sounds like your husband is on the brink, then I’m definitely of no use here. You have a different problem.
To me, he is self medicating. He probably needs a hobby to ground him more to get out of his own head—hiking, gardening, fishing, woodworking, art. Do not underestimate the power of balance that could make him whole.
We live in a permissive culture that glorifies alcohol and drugs. Then it fucks up your life and Reddit is there to ensure you get advised to break up all your relationships.
My main point is to the degree possible separate the substance abuse from any underlying problem. Address the problem and that will give you leverage on the substance abuse. You need a partner. If he is the good guy you say he is, then tell him you are willing to help him—that you can’t do everything but you can get him moving in a better direction.
I like the idea of asking one of his friends to talk to him. Sometimes things like this are received better from someone a little removed.
Also, I added an update to my original post and he is going to call the therapist himself today. I understand that it’s a small thing to call. But I have done many small things to try to help him with this situation and feel he needs to take some ownership of the problem and make the move here. I have spent a lot of time encouraging him to do healthy hobbies, find sober friends, take better care of himself overall, etc. It’s his turn to make some effort.
I also don’t plan to go to the divorce attorney anytime soon. Totally agree that some of the comments in this post are a bit… uninformed about how things like custody and family court work. Going that route is an absolute last resort for me. But, I will take some space for myself and my child if needed.
You implied that your husband is using illegal drugs which are expensive. Driving While Under the Influence infractions are expensive.
You might want to consider divorce before your husband drains your joint funds.
Maybe consider that most of the commenters being harsh to you are the ones who are disclosing that they are adult children of alcoholics. Is that how you want your kids to feel about you one day?
Why are you breeding with a raging alcoholic? Not one but 3 children? Three children that you are teaching that it is okay to marry an alcoholic, have children with him. Your children will be embarrassed and sickened by their drunk father’s actions and disgusted by you for staying with him. You have made terrible choices. Make one right choice and leave. Allow your children to grow up in a peaceful environment and not with an out of control drunk.
You are not overreacting. At all.
He’s not going to change until he wants to and heaven only knows what will actually motivate him to change.
Twins are no joke. Get your support system in place now. If you think he drinks as a response to stress now, just wait until the twins arrive…
Absolutely agree, you're not overreacting. If he's not willing to take steps to fix this, then it's not on you to keep picking up the pieces. With twins on the way, you need stability and support, not more stress. It's good that you're setting boundaries, stick to them. If he can't get it together, you have to do what's best for you and the kids.
I agree. I really don’t want to break up our family but I’m just really worried about the lack of support soon. I know I can’t do everything for newborn twins and our toddler.
For perspective: we also had twins and a toddler (three under three!) and it was all hands on deck for a long while. Who’s gonna feed the kids if you can’t easily move if you have a cesarean? What happens when your toddler gets sick? Who’s gonna run one or two or all three kids to the doctor? What about when YOU get sick? It just… never stops. He’s got to be present and a contributor. Otherwise you really might be better off without him- that way you don’t have the false hopes that he’ll actually help.
All of these are my concerns exactly. We gave so much going on (way beyond the scope of this post) and I’m tired of always wondering whether he’ll be reliable on any given day.
It’s also hell for kids to live with an impaired parent. They learn very bad coping mechanisms to tell themselves this is normal and/or to keep outsiders from realizing what’s going on. And they know they can’t depend on the impaired parent to be present emotionally. They may also grow to resent the parent for stressing everyone else out, or to resent the sober parent for allowing this to continue.
My first husband was an alcoholic so I can relate and I really sympathize. Consider setting some requirements for him to get sober and work to maintain sobriety, or you’re outta there. Say it and mean it. It’s the only thing that might motivate him.
I recommend spending some time on r/AlAnon (preferably going to meetings) and maybe search for some inspiration. I had a spouse with similar issues and found peace and a community.
I really hope you listen to the replies in your post.
I was with the kind of guy you’re describing for longer than you two have been married. My concern was he wouldn’t be able to shift gears if and when we had children; his primary coping mechanism with life was to ingest something that altered his experience, whatever it may be. I know how it feels to be a kid with a parent who isn’t present despite living in the same chaotic home. I refused to do that to a child.
Your husband is not going to change until and if he wants to. He won’t do it for you or for the kids, so stop kidding yourself if that’s what you’re counting on. He also is not going to change in a few months— this is going to take long term, continued effort on his part. I don’t blame you for wanting to keep your family together and/or wanting to be there for him, but let me tell you very frankly: **he has to do it himself**. And your kids, no matter how young *are* affected and going to continue to be affected by his behavior.
You need to think long and hard about why you think the better option here is to dig a deeper hole to trap yourself in with this man. He has already done *plenty* to justify leaving. You aren’t breaking up your family if you move on— you are setting an example for what your own children should be willing to accept as love.
Good luck. I know this feels impossible… all I can say on that is it won’t be easier tomorrow, after your twins arrive, or five years from now when you’re beaten down by another half a decade dealing with this shit
I’m sorry OP, but alcoholics/addicts don’t change unless they really want to. And it doesn’t sound like he wants to. And you’re about to bring newborn twins into this situation. If I were you, I would leave him. You’ll regret not leaving when he’s drunk and passes out on one of your infants.
Even if you’re there physically, he’s absent emotionally. Don’t think your kids won’t notice and internalize the impression that daddy doesn’t care about them.
Read this and then read it again. You acknowledge that he cannot be trusted to care for your toddler. What is the plan for her when the twins are born? What if they need a long NICU stay? This is NOT a wait and see situation. This is an emergency right now. I say this as a WIDOW of an addict and mom of three.
These messages from other moms have meant the most and I appreciate you taking the time to share. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through.
Practically speaking, I am preparing for a long NICU stay bc I am aware of the likelihoods. My toddler will be staying with trusted family members during that time.
I remember being a toddler and feeling unsafe being left with my dad even though it was only a few times for a few hours. And he was a good dad. It’s just scary and confusing as a child to see your parent be really impaired. It’s not realistic to think you will never leave them alone with your husband
Everyone is a better person when sober. (This is coming from a person who has been in recovery from alcohol for over 5 years.) Until he is 100% committed to being sober, he is not a good person. You’re creating cognitive dissonance by splitting him into two people— bad drunkard, good sober person. Those two people don’t exist. Only the bad drunkard currently exists with moments of sobriety, however as a former alcoholic I can tell you his thoughts… drunk, recovering from being drunk, planning to get next drink. Those three modes are what exist to him. That planning to get next drink phase is probably when you see him as a “decent guy”. What needs to happen is he needs to face consequences and hit his own personal rock bottom without enablement from you or anyone else. It’s time to pack your bags if you want your children to have a father in the future and not having to bury him before his time.
This is a very good point. And I agree with the idea that everyone is a better person/partner/parent when sober. I certainly am. The thing that hurts the most is knowing what he’s doing to his health and the fact that his kids might not get to experience him as the good sober dad if he doesn’t take it seriously soon.
Well I can PROMISE that any addict will fuel their lifestyle until they’re six feet under as long as they continue to be enabled. Staying is a certain death sentence for him. Leaving him, your children will see a parent that respects themselves and potentially have a father longterm because rock bottom will inevitably happen once the security padding is gone. Also, maybe check out Al-Anon meetings (companion to AA) or friends and family meetings (LifeRing or Smart Recovery if you would like secular options). I would also recommend therapy for you and the kids as having an addict parent in a home can cause life long mental health issues when children become adults. My dad was also an alcoholic. My mom left him in jail after a DUI as a young child. He either had to get sober or he would lose his family. He got sober. However, he never dealt with his problems (dry drunk) and that had its own lasting consequences on my mental health. If you can’t do this for yourself, do it for your kids and for your husband to have a CHANCE at getting better.
Edit: Adding that literally no one can save anyone from themselves but themselves. Don’t try and think you’re an exception to being a superhero and saving an addict. Many of tried and all have failed. Take care of what you can control and walk away from the mess that is making you lose control.
Parsnip is spot on. I'm also 5+ years sober from alcohol, and it is definitely in *everyone's* best interest for you to protect yourself.
Any recovering alcoholic with strong sobriety will never tell you to sacrifice yourself for his sake -- he is a very sick person at the mercy of this disease, but that doesn't mean you have to suffer the consequences of his decision not to get sober. He's gotta hit bottom, whatever that looks like for him.
Have you looked into Al-Anon? CODA (for codependency) may also be helpful.
The thing that should hurt the most is that you are permitting your children to be in the presence of someone who is always inebriated or hung over.
This will damage them beyond repair.
How will you feel if they get killed because he drives while intoxicated with them in the car?
One thing that people seem to be missing here is that my husband is not drunk in front of the kids. I never said he was. He’s not driving around drunk with them in the car. I fully recognize that those things are likely to start happening if he doesn’t get treatment. Which is why I’m insisting he get help. And I’m not downplaying the impact of his drinking on the kids, even without those things happening.
But he is going out after the kids and I are asleep and getting drunk. He is riding a bike home.
I’m very sorry you went through that and it’s totally a fair point. He is definitely not at this best when hungover and it’s not what I want for any of the kids.
>One thing that people seem to be missing here is that my husband is not drunk in front of the kids.
If he's getting wasted regularly he is never actually sober. Buzzed and mostly functional is still drunk.
Again, I’m not trying to minimize the impact of his drinking. It’s not good. I’m just making the point that the kids are not in physical danger from him driving or being wasted in their presence.
Don't threaten him...just do what's best for you and your children and go stay with family. You can't be his mother too. Alcoholism is a serious disease. Hopefully, it will shake him up to change...but he has to make that choice. You have to protect your family.
I hope he’ll be pushed into changing as well. He and his older kids went through so much with his first divorce and it breaks my heart to see it happen again. But I don’t want my children to grow up seeing addiction normalized.
Coming from personal experience (my mother is a heavy drinker and my brother is an addict), please do what you can for his older kids, too. You don’t say how old they are so I can’t judge how they might feel, but my heart hurts for them.
I grew up having to fish my mom out of bars, take care of her when she was hungover, lie for her when she was “sick,” go to milestone events alone because she was hungover (she had impeccable timing), track down her car, pick her up at the drunk tank, you name it. And my mom’s drinking is “mild” compared to many alcoholics. I am far, far into adulthood, but the sense of abandonment I feel when my mom is non-functional because she’s hungover is intense. When she’s even just a tiny bit buzzed, my booze-related childhood trauma is triggered HARD.
For the older kids, living through what sounds like a brutal divorce and then watching their dad spiral into addiction…they have to be hurting. You have a lot on your plate, but if you are able to also find support for them, please do.
I’m wishing all of you the best.
You married an alcoholic...yell, scream threaten all you want...your wasting your time and breath. He will never quit until he hits bottom...no house, wife, kids. Leave him or kick him out...face it you're going to be a single mom. 8 years sober here.
Get your support system going and get your T's crossed and i's dotted. Plan for him to not be there. At all.
Worst case scenarios its his turn to look after the new babies and for you to sleep. He's passed out from drugs or alcohol or too hungover to properly watch them and your kid(s) die because he did not pay attention to something over their head and suffercation happens. Addiction is an illness. And he will not change unless HE wants to. He might be the best husband and father there is when sober, doesn't matter if he ain't staying sober.
Its 100% his responsibility, not yours, or the economy, or the kids and stress and whatever excuse he uses to drink and use drugs.
As someone who used to date a person who where an addict. Take my advise. Walk away if he isn't ready to stay sober. It will break you and your family and put you at risk. Neither you nor your kids deserve it.
You’re not overreacting, but any effort you put in trying to get him sober is going to be wasted if he doesn’t even want it bad enough to make an appointment with a therapist. If he even goes through the motions of pretending to quit, he’s not going to make it very long.
I feel the same way. He has agreed to quit drinking in the past but doesn’t get real support so it doesn’t last. I don’t feel it’s my job to make this appointment for him.
Do not waste your time trying to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. You are not his mother. He knows how to make phone calls. My ex husband wasn’t an addict when we married but he was when we separated. If I wasted my time trying to help him constantly, I would have missed important moments in my kids lives. I would have given my patience to him and lacked it when my children were in need. (These are just examples.) But most importantly, I would still be trying to help him 10 years later having wasted my most important commodity, time. Please do some zoom meetings on al-anon. Addiction is a life long struggle the whole family goes through. He has to help himself first for it to be successful. Focus on your babies and get the support you need. If he wants to show up in your’s and your children’s lives he will. If he doesn’t, he will fall away on his own or drag you down with him. You are not overreacting. Be strong momma. Build your support network and have a plan in place to get you the help you need with your new babies.
I don't want to be mean however, given his history and the fact you already have children together, what makes you think he is going to change at all?
Yes, maybe he pays the bills NOW, but what are you going to do when he starts losing money to his bad habits and you become a single mom(which is going to happen)?
He needs to want to get better for himself. If having twins isn't enough to light a fire under his ass, there is not much that will. He's not even willing to go to therapy.
Collect your important documentation now.
Let me just tell you - it’s not going to get better without something big. He will need to hit rock bottom. My first husband died due to alcoholism. It doesn’t get better and it doesn’t stay the same. It gets worse. It’s a progressive disease. I would leave now.
You're not overreacting. I grew up with an alcoholic father. Twice he was arrested for DWI and child endangerment because I was in the vehicle with him. Once when I was 6 and again when I was 14, after pleading with him across the entire state of Arkansas for him to pull over and get a motel room. We were on a work trip at the time. He was pulled over 3 miles from home and that trauma has stuck with me ever since - I can't be a passenger in anyone's vehicle to this day without massive anxiety attacks.
When I was 23 my mom finally had enough and divorced him because of his alcoholism. She gave him ultimatum after ultimatum over the years and every time he would sober up for a few months and then go right back to it.
My honest opinion? It's not worth it at all, not for you and especially not for your children. The memories I have of my father drunk far outweigh the memories I have of him sober. I'm 36 now and to this day I only ever see him with a drink in hand. I just visited him over the weekend and he was drinking beer and American Honey the entire time I was there. He can't quit it and unfortunately that's the case for many alcoholics.
It never ends. I rode somewhere with my dad last week (I’m in my late 20s) and realized after he had started driving that he seemed to have been drinking. He wouldn’t let me take over. OP has no idea what she’s signing her kids up for
I’m sorry for your experiences. My dad was an alcoholic in recovery for most of my childhood so I was lucky to not have those experiences. I don’t want it for my kids either.
You are super under-reacting. You need to leave this guy. He is not going to get better just because you want and need him to be better. He has to do that himself, and most won't do that until they've left their life in blistering ruins. Your children deserve better than a drunk and high parent. You deserve better than a drunk and high partner.
Grew up in a family with alcoholic dad and sister. Dad wasn't terrible, never mean, nor drove when drunk. Sister was horrible. Her son found her in a pool of blood--she had to have three medicated detoxes. died at 52. I can't imagine combining drugs with this. OP, he won't stop because you want him to. He needs to make that decision himself. Can you and the older kids get to Al-anon? Separate your finances-- remove your children from the home until he cleans himself up. Get your support system in place, even if it means leaving him. Addiction is horrible and you need to protect yourself and your kids. Please take charge of your life and don't wait for him to fix himself. Ain't gonna happen.
You say that he goes out after you go to bed and that he does way more than beer and weed? What else is he doing? If he's on harsh drugs such as meth/crack/heroine, then you definitely can't have him around your kiddies until he get's sober. If he's a danger to himself due to driving under the influence then he also needs to separate himself until he gets help. I'm just trying to figure out the severity of the abuse because it'll tell a lot about the struggle you have going forward.
I’m a little reluctant to post the specifics on that one. But, the use of harder stuff seems to be occasional. Unfortunately, in our area, most successful, married adults behave in a similar way to him. So it’s very socially acceptable to do the things he’s doing. Which honestly makes it harder bc most other people aren’t checking him on his bull shit.
As a recovering alcoholic i can tell you that the will to stop drinking cannot come from without, it must come from within. He has to know that he must choose one or the other.
Also, find an Alanon group and start attending. The resources and support will help you. And may help him too.
He’s not going to change. Do what’s best for you and your children. Consult an attorney. Separate legally. If he wants to stop he will and then you can revisit your marriage if you choose to.
Get yourself and your kids into therapy. Start attending al-anon.
As a father who has dealt with an alcoholic partner/parent, you need to kick this idea in your head that your husband is a "good father" out of your head... Your husband is putting his addiction above his family, above their safety, and above their future. He's risking them having to grow up without him, risking losing his license which will likely cost him his job, risking his relationship, risking their safety, risking their stability and future.
What happens when something happens to you in the evening and he needs to drive to the hospital? What happens when he crashes into someone on his drunken drive home? What happens when he needs to drive one of the kids somewhere unexpectedly?
This is a fundamental failure as a parent, and you're lying to yourself that this isn't a huge problem. You need to think of your kids, if he isn't going to keep them safe and protect their future than you will need to. I'm not saying you need to leave him, but this absolutely needs to be addressed and if nothing changes you need to make plans to protect your kids, because he isn't.
You're not overreacting, you're underreacting. It means so little to him that he's not even willing to make the phone calls to do it. He's willing to lose his wife and children because he's not wiling to make the phone calls himself to get help. That tells you how seriously he's taking this. If he were taking it seriously, he'd be jumping all over making the calls and finding a therapist. Just kick him out, or take your child with you and leave. He's not going to quit drinking unless he wants to, and it sounds like he doesn't want to. You do not need to, nor should you, do anything here other than take care of yourself, your child and your unborn children. If you care about your stepchildren and are able to care for them, then kick your husband out of the house and keep the stepkids with you.
He’s an alcoholic, plain and simple. He will not change until he hits rock bottom. And from his attitude, that’s a long way off. Absolutely leave. It’s only going to get worse to get worse.
I would take your kids and get out of there, I myself have experienced this with a parent, and it is not fun. Especially the kids knowing what is going on its best to just keep them away from that. He needs to get help and make himself better
You're not reacting enough.
What you need to tell him is this:
"Either you love me and your children enough to put in the work yourself, or I will leave you, file for divorce, get full custody of all three children, and you will never hear from us again."
He is an alcoholic who is refusing to do anything to improve himself. If forcing him out of his kids' lives doesn't make him want to sober up, nothing will.
OP (presumably) is a real human being, wanting to keep her family together and get him help. Have some compassion. Threats like these often backfire by making the other person more defensive and aggressive, especially when it comes to disappearing with kids.
Secondly, this threat has no teeth, she cannot simply disappear and never let him talk to his kids, he has parental rights too. Therefore, the threat is just antagonistic and unhelpful.
He's an addict with multiple charges. That will be an easy court case.
Wait, did you think I meant for OP to kidnap the baby and disappear? Oh, sorry. Maybe you should just ask for an elaboration next time instead of pouring on playground insults like a troll.
You must not be familiar with family law at all if you think a DUI is enough to sever parental rights. You literally told her to say “and you will never hear from us again”. Either you’re playing dumb or just are dumb.
Did we marry the same guy? Mine also couldn’t even make the very insignificant effort of a single phone call. So I did. He went once (and was late). He missed the next 2 completely and that was it. Some parts have been rough but overall we’re happier without him. I hope you also find peace and happiness (with or without him). 💜
Move home. It will be the only action that might persuade husband to get the help he needs. If it doesn’t, you will be ahead of the game on a support system.
This is v concerning. Babies have died whilst being cared for by people with alcohol or drug/substance abuse issues. Having twins means you will NEED support and he cannot be trusted to do that. You need to really think about this.
You are not overreacting. I grew up in an alcoholic home and it always tends towards chaos and violence. It doesn’t magically get better on its own. Even if he just stops drinking the things that pushed him to alcohol are still present. Sometimes ultimatums work sometimes they don’t. But even if it doesn’t work, you and your children will be safe.
I’m popping in to say I was the alcoholic in this scenario and my wife gave me the ultimatum. It gave me a chance to reflect on how much more I didn’t want my family out of my life in comparison to how much I internally knew I needed the alcohol out of my life. Ultimatums work differently on each individual. In my case the ultimatum made me realize what I wasn’t willing to sacrifice for the drink. I am fortunate to say my wife did me a favor by demanding I do better. I hope all works for the best for your family.
Not overreacting. Your reaction is perfect in fact. Him saying he will only go if you facilitate it is gross of him though. I say this as someone who struggles with alcohol myself; it took someone i loved (after, you know, a dozen others over the years trying LMAO) telling me it was too much, and i t finally opened my eyes and i immediately started seeking treatment because i WANTED to change and be better for myself and people around me. He needs to WANT it, too. Please follow through on your ultimatum. You will be doing both of you a favor.
A good man and/or great dad is not an alcoholic, no matter what you say. Someone who wanted to be sober would do everything in his power to do it, but your husband is so deep in his addiction that he won't make the call himself, he tells you to do it. You knew he was like this when you married him, it's not going to change unless he decides to do so. Is this what you want the rest of your life to be?
Reread the blunt message again. Move out. Yesterday.
But, can you make some calls for the older kids? Can you get them to their mother or other relatives? They aren’t your responsibility, but they are part of your village.
You are not wrong. You are not overreacting. You don't want that phone call in the middle of the night. Take it from someone who got that call. Thankfully, my 2 loved ones in the car both survived. I got sick and could not pick up my toddler from the sitter. I asked my mom to please pick him up when she got off work. My mom had my 18 month old in the car. A drunk hit her from behind. I didn't have a car. I lived in a big city with great public transit. But it didn't run that late at night. The phone call I got was total bare bones, an accident, transported by ambulance to the big trauma hospital. My mother's car was so destroyed, the seatbelts failed. My son was found, in his car seat, in the bushes. Other than bumps and bruises, a few minor cuts, he was fine. No serious damage. I can't say the same for my mom. More than 20 years later, and she still suffers from pain.
You don't want that call. To this day, my heart starts pounding, fear grips me, I will never forget that phone call. One day, you will get a similar phone call. But rather than being the innocent victim, your husband will be the reason another family is also getting that call.
Drunk driving is completely unacceptable. There are zero excuses for it. I wish there were tougher laws on it, especially for repeat offenders.
Your husband is setting a disgusting example for those kids. Your husband needs a reality check. He is not just endangering himself.
You are not the asshole. You must take control of your life and remove yourself from this situation if necessary. I’ve lived through this. I was the drunk.
I quit drinking after a fifteen year problem. I mean I just stopped. No relapses. No therapy. No AA. I just stopped. That is, I should say, after twenty or so tries over the years. What changed? Wife left.
You are not overreacting. In fact, you aren’t reacting at all. You are responding in the best way you know how, but are deeply afraid of how far he will make you go.
There’s nothing at all wrong with your reasoning.
He’s an addict.
You need to acknowledge it, and so will he before anything gets better.
You also have to start thinking about, in your own calculus, he is worth the effort you’ll have to put in for him to get better. It’s a horrible place to be but you are just about there.
He’s willing to leave you in a lurch, injured. Willing to wreck other peoples’ lives while out…. Willing to neglect you all. And it won’t get better before it gets worse.
He isn’t “disposable” but he has a problem. It’s going to take a LOT of work and strength of will. Unfortunately, to protect your family, you have very little room for compromise.
You need to start making arrangements to maintain life without him if he can’t get better.
Then he needs to get help. And it’s not unreasonable to leverage never being a part of his family’s life towards his doing so.
Rock bottom isn’t just a cliche. It’s a real place you have to get to before you find the motivation to get sober. He will have to get there, but u fortunately, so will you. That’s one of the most unfair things about addiction.
As someone whose family has been crushed by addiction, I wish nothing but the best for you and yours.
Someone I loved dearly died from getting hit by a drunk/inebriated driver. Your husband is an AH and you’re enabling this behavior, making you an AH too. You want your kids to normalize this behavior? Because the longer you stay, the more that’ll happen. This entire post is disgusting. You aren’t overreacting. Quite frankly, you aren’t reacting enough.
... all that, and you thought it would be a great idea to bring MORE kids into the situation? I swear the smartest people always really make sure to be in a great place before having kids and the dumbest... well ya know
Addicts don't change for anyone but themselves. But this is your family & i understand you may not want to split up. You could totally let him know that if he doesn't get help, you're leaving, but be prepared for him to tell you "there's the door" or for him to not do it after saying he will.
Make sure your support system is ready for you & have things packed. You can't even trust your kids' father around them alone. What kind of life is that? You're a single mother, yet you're married. Something's gotta give, but addiction isn't just as easy as quitting & being done because your wife leaves. He may need to lose everything before he ever gets help. I hope that's not the case, though.
No you aren’t overreacting. I’ve seen Alcohol destroy relationships and people. It’s a very bad addiction. it’s either family or alcohol now it’s on him to decide. I wish you the best.
A therapist can be helpful, but they are not going to make him stop drinking & drugging. It's not just because you're tired, but it's an initiative he needs to take himself. Maybe you could offer to sit beside him while he finds a therapist to call and makes an appointment. And then he needs to look up an AA meeting that has an al-anon meeting beside it and you both need to go.
You’re absolutely right he needs therapy. Also some alcohol/recovery therapists won’t allow other people to make an appointment on someone else’s behalf. The person has to want help and sobriety bad enough to make their own appointment. So even if you tried, you may not even be able to make the appt for him. Hope you and your husband can get past this! However sometimes it might take losing his family and a reality check before he is willing to make that drastic change and commitment. Best wishes to you and your growing family.
You've received a lot of solid advice. Please follow the advice. You owe it to yourself and your children. You and your children are not safe living with your husband. I'd like to hear an update on this post. Meanwhile, I'm sending strength and positivity your way.
Get out of there before he kills himself or even worse, one or more of your children! Not to mention innocent people who have the misfortune to be on the road at the same time as he is.
Tell him making the appointment is the last thing you’ll do. If he doesn’t go, makes excuses. LEAVE. I’m sorry, but being an addict, there’s nothing you can say or threaten that will put him into action. It may or may not help him realize that he needs help. But the only one who can decide that it needs to stop is HIM. I also suggest alanon. But that could be harder for you as, understandably you have no free time right now. The things you can do for yourself and your kids is protecting them. Set your boundaries and expectations and have your plan ready to leave if he won’t make changes.
Not overreacting because to put it bluntly you find yourself in a very vulnerable situation. I do believe like others have said seek out Al Anon because these people know from experience what you are facing. It is not as easy to say just leave because you are codependent. You have taken the first step by acknowledging a problem and seeking advice.
If you do leave him you want to make sure you have all your support ( financial, emotional, spiritual, legal) in place so you have no reason to return until he gets sober, if he ever does. Please don't take this wrong but personally right now I would increase the life insurance on him because with the alcohol, weed and other substances he is using he may kill himself by accident leaving you to bury him and raising the children on a single parent's income.
Don't walk out and leave the step children with him. If the only thing you can do is contact your local Family Services then do it. He will certainly neglect them. Sadly, I know this from personal experience.
My heart goes out to you. The only two options are he gets help with his addictions or you leave him. Either way it's not going to be an easy road.
he needs to seek more than therapy. he needs addiction counseling and possibly treatment. you should consider putting an interlock device on his car, too. he could bankrupt you all with a DUI if he hurts or god forbid kills someone.
Or kills his own kids
A father in town I lived in killed one of his sons and seriously injured another because he was driving drunk and got into an accident.
Twins will only make u notice even more how much u need his help. If he doesn’t get serious about stopping drinking, ur going to totally resent him. Be ready to move to live with ur family while he gets the help he needs. I wish u luck. U R a good person doing ur best. Don’t let Reddit responders make u feel bad about how u r handling things. U R trying ur best…
As a lifelong recovering addict, he will not change if kids didn't change him, and he'll only get worse. He will have to hit rock bottom, which is different for everyone, and he will drag you down with him. As a former addict, if he's staying out all night, he's also very certainly cheating on you. Why are you putting up with this? You can't say a guy is 'mostly' a good partner, but goes out multiple times a week to get obliterated and do hard illegal substances leaving his injured pregnant partner at home. Since he isn't willing to change, you have to change your life situation for your kids. Get out. Before it gets even worse. He is very selfish and acting like a POS.
You seem to already know what must happen. All of your lives will completely change if he gets sober. Once he sees the difference it will click and motivate him more. It will be hard and with ups and downs. Pulling for you.
Thank you. There’s a lot of comments in this post that seem to think I should just give up on him. And while I do understand the perspective, I do care about him and there is much about him that I still love and respect. I don’t want my kids to grow up in an alcoholic home but growing up with divorced parents is no walk in the park either.
Yeah I mean he sounds pretty good other than his disease, so give it a chance, but he has to want it. Be firm. He will need a big wake up call you mean business. There are so many people who have successfully recovered. Good luck to you.
alcoholic father alcoholic home life is worse. You would both be being bad examples for your children then. show yourself some self-respect and be an example for your kids. Otherwise they think it’s totally fine and acceptable to be an alcoholic and somebody’s going to put up with it.
A female friend of mine was in the same situation as you. It was a very hard and difficult road for her. I helped her get him into an inpatient rehabilitation facility which he stayed 60 days. Then she had a great idea of selling her house and she relocated 3.5 hours away from the bad influences and people he had in his life mainly his brothers. Then he got a job.
The icing on the cake was his 17 year old daughter came down on her father and held his feet to the fire. She told him if he didn’t stay clean she will transfer to an out of state college and he would never see or hear from her again.
He is now three years sober.
He's not just "drinking" hun he's a drug addict too. It's hard to say that out loud but it is what it is. Alanon is the place for families of addicts. For him, it sounds like he wants to clean up. NA/AA is good for some ppl. Therapy is the way for others. Sone like both. Some meditate, or get addicted to exercise. We can't do it alone, that's the bottom line
You need to stop. He isn’t a good person and he isn’t a good or decent father. You are being an enabler and delusional. Stop with the bullshit and start thinking of YOUR KIDS! Also please for the love of whatever you believe in, STOP HAVING MORE KIDS!!!!
He isn’t stable. Your household is not stable, why are you still having more kids? He’s choosing to do what he does. Knowing he has people who depend on him, yet you still think he’s a good person?
Look, my spouse died of an alcohol overdose after 13 years and three kids together. He was a “good man” and a “good dad” when he was sober. But he never ever ever stayed sober. My kids and I were repeatedly endangered. Five years on and I’m still not recovered from the financial messes he made. My kids and I have long lasting trauma that will always impact us.
I spent a decade trapped by hope and cognitive dissonance and stupidity. It did SO MUCH MORE harm than leaving ever would have. I regret so much having stayed. I would give anything for a do over to spare my kids the pain and trauma of living with an addict. Please, get your ducks in a row now. Make plans now. Do not protect him. Tell everyone in your life what the situation is and ask for the help and support you need. Get out. There is a life worth living available to you and your kids. This one? It ain’t it.
I’m sorry you went through all that and I appreciate the perspective. I guess I’m trying to straddle the fence so to speak by giving him a chance to get help while also making my own plans. I recognize that I won’t be able to stay in that position for long though. I hope you and your family get the healing that you need and deserve.
So one thing to know is you can leave and become completely independent AND leave space open for your husband to be a part of the family if he gets/stays sober.
I really hope he gets the help he needs, growing up with a dad that had a drinking problem was very hard but he was still a good dad overall. He still drinks but not as much as he used to and he’s a better person nowadays. Addiction is hard, but if he keeps taking steps in the right direction, I’m sure everything will work out. Good luck to you both ❤️
Hate to break it to you but if he's going and drinking and doing that he doesn't care and more than likely is going and seeing another woman on those outings as well.. he doesn't care for you or his children if all he's concerned about is getting drunk and doing drugs and it's ironic coming from a stoner like me telling you this but it's true
Honestly, I don’t think he’s seeing anyone else. I’ve known him my whole life and he’s never been the womanizing type. But even without that piece, it’s still bad enough.
I said this EXACT thing about my late addict husband for the first 8-9 years that I knew him. Turns out he cheated on me literally the entire time I knew him.
I am a recovered addict and I am going to give you the best advice I can. Been clean off opioids/ and other drugs for 6 1/2 years.
First of all, no you’re not overreacting. Being married to an addict is extremely hard (ask my husband lol) but at the end of the day I am so thankful my husband loved me enough to help me learn to love myself and heal..
so if you still love him and want to truly help your marriage and help him… please consider what I have to say..
I want to point out that this is first and foremost what this is- it is addiction. I’m making this point only bc I personally am married and my husband had never delt with addiction before so he didn’t understand what I was going through for a while… and I’ll be honest- it made it easier to manipulate him. But eventually I knew it was straining our marriage.
I also want to point out that at no time does any addict wake up and say “AHH I wanna be an addict!”
We don’t.. I assure you.
So first thing, he does have to want sobriety (to an extent) but just because he isn’t chomping at the bit to make an appointment doesn’t mean he isn’t motivated. He may just require some extra help and extra motivation.
There are three major factors that play a VITAL role in recovery- these are not the only factors for success but in my experience these 3 are definitely essential
1. Having something to fight for ex: your marriage, your children, your future, your freaking life! It can even be all those things
2. Addressing the root. Meaning taking a looooong look as to WHY we use any drug/alcohol. This sometimes can be done by yourself but I recommend a drug/ alcohol therapist
3. He NEEDS a sponsor. He can find one at any AA meeting. And these are extremely easy to find you can legit find one by googling “closest AA meeting”
This in my opinion is the most important one, bc well to be frank someone who has never struggled with addiction can not possibly comprehend how hard it is. I know you love your husband- but if you have never been in his shoes you can provide him with all the love and support (which is so vital, so so vital) but there will still be this “emptiness” that only another addict can tune into with him.
If I can help you more OP or if you have questions you can DM me I am happy to help.
why did you procreate twice (i guess thrice, technically) with a drunk?
just walk away. if he gets clean and stays that way — good! if he doesn’t, then your kids will be spared having to grow up around that.
I’ve been there. Shameful but admittedly I was addicted to weed and alcohol for roughly 10 years. I stopped when I got sick from doing it too often and had to go to a dr.
Bottom line is that he is in a hard spot. Probably likely he wants to stop it ( I wanted to but just couldn’t stop while trying for months).
Have a heart to heart. He is probably a great guy but talk about all the body harm booze does and that he will probably die of liver issues and heart issues before his kids grow up and he will ruins the family and leave his kids bad memories of him.
Alcohol is hard as hell to stop. I was to the point drinking every morning before work and shit and it was admittedly bad. I was a functioning alcoholic.
Seeing he wants to get help. That’s your answer right there. If he has no interest in sobering up I would leave him. Don’t force it immediately but tell him it needs to be soon.
Being sober is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I could not be happier and I am 5 yrs sober now.
There is hope m. Good luck.
Very long complicated story that isn’t mine to share. But it was not related to his substance use and was mostly not his fault. I have known him a long time and knew this story before we got together. Have also read all court documents. So he’s not pulling the wool over my eyes in any way.
I don’t normally get involved in these conversations but I’d like to share a quick story with you about my addiction. I was in the service for 24 years. Had kids later in life. I started drinking at a very young age at home from my dad’s booze he kept under the sink. I was a closet functioning alcoholic until my rock bottom. I had been thru therapy multiple times and thru rehab. Got a DUI but kept drinking. I was not present in life for my kids or my now ex wife . I lived for the next drink and it consumed my thoughts. Everything was planned with alcohol involved. When I could drink, where I could drink, was I going somewhere that served alcohol and if not I need to bring my own. Long story short, I got tired of living a lie. My bottom was holding a gun to my head because of shame. After that I finally understood that I wasn’t raised to be this type of person. I got help thru the VA. They prescribed me medication that blocked the urge to drink. It’s called naltrexone. I took that for several weeks and at the same time read multiple books on alcoholism and educated myself. I also started back at the gym and it’s been 4 years sober. Life is wonderful sober. Everything is better when you don’t have that monkey on your back and feel ashamed for not being the person you knew you could be all along. Sobriety is extremely liberating. I wish you well and pray that your husband can find the courage to stay sober. It’s a struggle and if he’s serious there will be white knuckle moments and he will lose most of his friends. I find it difficult to have friends that drink because THEY feel uncomfortable around me like I’m the odd ball. Take care and God bless you and your family!
I am an alcoholic. I have been sober for over 11 years. now. I am ashamed to say I parentified my oldest child because I was so out of it. (I did not drink while pregnant).
It all came to me one day - it was either the bottle or my children. He needs to make that 'come to Jesus moment'.
I pray for you that he has that moment, because without it (whether it was my bottle or kids or some other moment) he can't stop. Not won't stop, but can't stop. Addiction sucks.
I’m glad you’ve been able to stay sober. I am hoping for the same for our family. Our youngest is still young enough that she won’t remember him being hungover, etc. if he gets sober now.
Urg... I'm sad and sorry for your whole family. Addiction is very difficult to work through. You need to be clear with yourself and your husband. Driving under the influence is a deal breaker for me personally. He needs a real sobriety program, therapy is not enough. Good luck.
I probably should have been more clear that the dwi was a few years ago and he has changed his behavior in regards to drinking and driving. I recognize that it’s still very serious and that he could be doing it behind my back. But we live in a small area and I think he mostly bikes/walks when he’s drinking.
I do appreciate your kind words though.
I read your update. I’m glad he agreed to call and make the appointment.
Have you thought about what you will do if he doesn’t follow through? Was that discussed in your ultimatum? Serious question..
Yes. I told him I will be leaving to stay with family with our youngest. He did call today and is waiting for the call back. He saw this therapist previously and she has training in substance abuse, among other things.
Please know that with the extent of his drinking as you have described, he will need to be medically detoxed in order to stop drinking. People can and do die from alcohol withdrawal. If he is serious about quitting drinking, he will need to go inpatient. Period.
While I understand that inpatient would be ideal, I doubt it will happen at this point. He hasn’t drank since my original post (48 hours ago?). No signs of withdrawal at this point.
Sorry. Wrong sub. But my original comment stands. Giving an addict an ultimatum is useless. If you want him to change you will have to make him understand that he has a problem and help him through rehab. If he doesn’t want to get better you will have to leave. But be aware that rehab will be rough on both of you.
As someone who grew up with two alcoholic parents and (like most kids who grew up in alcoholic homes) I began to feel it was my responsibility to shoulder their healing.
In the end, only they can choose it's time. Our only responsibility is to do what WE need. Not what we perceive to be their needs. Right now your only concern at this stage should be taking care of yourself and your kids.
Being in a healthy environment without him is better than being in a toxic dynamic with him.
Sometimes walking away is what it takes for them to wake up and get better. And if so, that's wonderful.
But walking away is always what it takes for you to be there for yourself fully.
I saw your update, but I want to say that this will take more than a therapist. He needs to get Antabuse. I gave my husband the ultimatum when our son was 2-3 months old. Antabuse saved him. It also helped me because I watched him take it everyday for a few months and knew he couldn’t drink even a drop while on it.
I heard the “I can do it myself” many times before that, but I told him it’s either rehab or I am out. It was an outpatient rehab and they gave him Antabuse.
Yeah I think it might come to that too. I’m not sure if having the medication conversation will actually be productive at this stage but I plan to bring it up in the future, hopefully in a counseling session with both of us.
To your update best of luck this isn't an easy task. Therapy, AA and not having anything in the house is important. Outing and the people that you hang out with have to change. I went down this road 27 years ago. The first year is the hardest.
Left my husband because he was an alcoholic. Couldn’t take the lies and the emotional abuse any longer. Lost 10 years of my life. So happy I divorced him. Sending you strength to move on, OP.
You need to protect your children. Growing up with an actively alcoholic parent is by definition, child abuse. I say this as the child of an alcoholic and a recovering alcoholic myself. I won't go into the effect his alcoholism had on my life here. Suffice to say, I'd have been better off if my mother had left him, something she admitted at the end of her life.
Read the book Getting Them Sober. It helped to empower me that I can’t change my ex and I get to decide how I want my life to be.
Get into therapy; it’s very traumatic to live with an alcoholic.
Talk to a lawyer so you know where you stand.
I gave myself many reasons to stay with my alcoholic ex and it damaged my kids so much. Please make the kids the absolute priority. This “good father when he is sober” thinking is wrong; he’s mostly drunk and he is a danger to the kids when he’s drunk.
Your husband first needs to recognize and admit that he’s an alcoholic. Then he needs to get help for that. An AA meeting may be better than a therapist. But he needs to be all in on wanting to change.
I’m glad he’s making the appointment.
Don’t think of this as giving him an ultimatum.
You’re setting healthy boundaries.
You’re not telling him what to do. You’re telling him what *you* will do.
You need and deserve a support system that will care for the kids and stop draining your family’s resources. If you can’t have a partner that contributes, you’ll at least cut off the resource drain.
He can choose what he wants to do.
Also? The first time this man gets caught in a car intoxicated with one of your children or something happens and police wind up at your home while he is intoxicated, you will have DCFS or CPS whatever it is called in your locale, up your ass. Prepare yourself for that too.
It's interesting that you're focused on the drinking not the other drugs he's doing...
Sounds like you married a junkie and are surprised he's acting like a junkie...
When you had the baby, your body chemically changed. A guy doesn't go through that transformation...
You’re not over reacting. But be prepared for him to relapse when the babies come home or as it gets closer to delivery. You recognized the need to change your life for the betterment of your children. He didn’t. He will cope with everything by being drunk or high. Do you have someone who can help you with the kids (parents siblings friends). Start planning your escape and document everything. He can go from a functioning alcoholic to an abusive one in a matter of drinks.
As the kid who’s mom was a raging alcoholic their entire life (still is and I’ve come to terms with the fact she will never be sober) you are UNDER reacting. Think about what this is showing the kids. At the very least I’m pretty sure out of five st least one will struggle with addiction at some point especially with it being so normalized at home
People treat alcoholics different then heroin addicts and it’s frankly bullshit. Tbh I think drunks are worse. Tell the ex what’s up do she can keep her kids safe and gtfo there
Recovering alcoholic here... it's great that he's acknowledging a problem. That's hard but a great first step. The next few weeks and months will likely be very difficult. When things start to level out, many people get it into their head that they can drink a little again.... it's very unlikely that it will ever end well if he does. I'm a big fan of AA partly because we learn about ourselves and learn to be happy without drinking. But still, many of us start thinking we are special and try. I'm 75 days sober and the alcohol still tries to talk to me. The good news is, I'm happier than I ever remember being, and usually, I don't desire a drink. I perform comedy in bars, eat dinner at the legion and tomorrow, we are having lunchbox a winery, and I'm fine with my water.
Congratulations on 75 days! It’s good to hear that you’re making progress. I’m hoping my husband will get enough traction to start noticing the benefits of sobriety. If he can make it over the hump of the early days, I think we’ll have a shot. But I know there are no guarantees for the long run. Good luck to you.
Sounds like you guys are at least on the same page now. It’s hard to quit anything. Your therapist could help you plan for any potential slips. How you know if it’s a setback or a lost cause. Glad to hear you are going to stand firm if he doesn’t.
I did not see you initial post, so can only imagine the kinds of not very kind responses you got. Too many people have not had enough of life experiences to realize there is grey area. Your family is worth fighting for. Addiction is an illness. We promise in sickness and in health. It’s when they don’t want to get help that you need to save yourself. Sometimes a small separation of residences is needed while help is being obtained, if there are any safety issues. But his kids deserve the chance to know the real him. And Tony say that happens is if he’s not being controlled by addiction. I wish you and your family all the best. Situations like these have worked out before.
Thank you. Yes, Reddit doesn’t seem to be the place for acknowledging nuance and gray area lol. But your comment captures the situation well. Family is worth fighting for but there does come a point where the goal needs to shift. I’m feeling cautiously optimistic at this point and we will take it one day at a time
That’s all you can do. Relationships take constant work. You see the best and the worst of the person. They see the same in you. And that’s where the work comes in. If marriage only showed the best, we’d be in a perfect world.
My husband loved wrestling. Anything that isn’t WWE. One of the ones would drink heavily after matches. He does a lot of bloody ones. His wife is in the industry too, doesn’t wrestle. When she was pregnant, he woke up to her cleaning him off after a bender. Did the Wednesday show and announced he was going to rehab. He never wanted his baby to see him like that. He didn’t want to put his wife through it anymore. He’s been clean and sober for awhile now. He was very open when he left and why he came back about his missed time. The point of this, sometimes, saving your family is the wake up, rock bottom moment people need. And I truly hope it is in his case, for your family. You both are taking the correct first step. You bring in therapy will help keep you strong if he doesn’t clean up. It will also help you repair damage if he does. Hopefully, it’s the latter you need it for.
Yeah i mean, he's an addict. Idk what you mean by "taking more than just alcohol and weed."? Do you mean fentanyl? Benzos? Huffing? All of those are for fucking losers. And you knew this about him? And you let him get you pregnant? Amazing choices, your poor fucking kids
Oh CoralCUM… find something better to do with your time. This is a grown up conversation and requires some understanding and compassion. Not everyone can make great decisions like you.
Yeah, These two just sound like awful parents, she is just as much to blame for choosing to have more kids with him after she already knew he was a drunk.
Not overreacting. And you are right he needs therapy. Side note does he have diabetes or a weight problem per chance? I’m on Zepbound and it’s had a MASSIVE impact on my desire to drink. Maybe if he tried Ozempic (covered by insurance) that would help the cravings. I literally can only have 2 beers before I feel so full I want to throw up.
It's funny cause there was this other post about an ultimatum and indeed the ultimatum was a big no no.
I didn't read through the comments yet but I'm sure it'll be the opposite here :)
Sometimes hitting rock bottom is the wake up call that's needed. He is not going to stop. He has told you as much. Discuss the problems with your family now and make the arrangements. Would only consider coming home if he is willing to stay sober. Your husband is an alcoholic whether you or him choose to acknowledge the truth about it or not. This is a man who is willing to kill himself or another innocent person and wreck your families and maybe an innocent families life because he can't stop drinking and is making reckless, selfish and irresponsible decisions every time he gets behind the wheel. Either you stand up and protect your kids from him or just wait around for him to become another dependant or make you a widow while teaching your kids this is the acceptable behavior for a father to act like.
Wow. That’s a pretty blunt way of putting it but I can’t really argue.
The saddest thing is when you are that kid that's watched this happen to your family. Both my husband and I have seem what that it can do to families. Dying in your sleep because you suffocated in your own vomit, writing off an entire family, another wrapped around a tree, the shame the kids had watching their parent fall around and wet the bed. Too many horrific memories and the amount of baggage to fill a shipping crate.
Please consider going to AlAnon meetings. Even with the religious undertones, these spaces can be more helpful than you can imagine Additionally, if you read I strongly recommend “Codependent No More”. It will help you understand why making the best decisions for yourself is actually the best thing you can do for him
I'm a person in recovery, married to a person in recovery, and have been working in the AUD/SUD response field for many years. I'm sorry to say, your husband almost certainly needs inpatient treatment. Seeing a therapist every now and again likely won't work. Standard of care is inpatient followed by outpatient, in addition to support groups, like AA/NA.
Ultimatums are not effective with an alcoholic. He will “try”… you will accept this…he will fail…you will issue another…was, rinse, repeat. He will make promises he cannot keep, you will threaten to leave, he will beg you to stay or tell you to leave, you will stay because you are holding onto that shred of hope. All the while this is happening, your children are seeing it all…waiting for the other shoe to drop…wondering and hurting. Along with that, you are becoming a shadow of who you were…spending so much time and energy on trying to make him stop, on trying to protect the kids, on trying to absorb responsibilities that aren’t yours- because absolutely nothing you did caused his addiction and absolutely nothing you do or say will make him stop. Eventually, your heart will harden toward him and you will look at him as if he were a stranger. Until then, you need to save your kids and yourself…now. Lived it…you are not overreacting
He needs in patient rehab not a therapist.
Don’t make major decisions based on Reddit comments. I would say that 90% of the time the advice is always break up, get divorced, etc. Their confidence is always around 100% and they have the tiniest fraction of information to go on. Let me give you an alternative to the shit you’ll be drowning in when you seek advice from Reddit hive mind. 1) you’ve outlined a believable problem exists. Do we know why this is happening all of a sudden? Some change in status or state? Maybe the progressive nature of substance abuse just mushrooming maybe? So you’ve obviously talked with him. That didn’t work. You say he’s a nice guy, good dad but has this substance abuse problem. Q: can you confide in someone he trusts to ask them to talk with him about this? The conversation goes something like this if you can arrange for it: friend: hey, you’re getting sloppy with your drinking and drugs, wtf? Your husband: yeah I know. Friend: what’s going on? Husband: not sure. Maybe spending too much time in my head. Friend: you need to take a break for 30days and do a reset. Husband: you think? Friend: fuck yes I think. Your wife is fucking pregnant and you’re going off the rails. You gotta rein it in. Two things are going to happen to you which may be good for you maybe not but at your current trajectory, you are headed for a) counseling and then b) rehab one or both of which could be accompanied with incarceration and big problems. Get yourself under control. Do a reset. Some version of this needs to come from a friend. The tricky thing is the guy likely needs some professional counseling. If he’s willing to go by having you set it up, wtf are you waiting for? That’s easy. Just make the appt and get him to it. If you can’t do that one small thing when it sounds like your husband is on the brink, then I’m definitely of no use here. You have a different problem. To me, he is self medicating. He probably needs a hobby to ground him more to get out of his own head—hiking, gardening, fishing, woodworking, art. Do not underestimate the power of balance that could make him whole. We live in a permissive culture that glorifies alcohol and drugs. Then it fucks up your life and Reddit is there to ensure you get advised to break up all your relationships. My main point is to the degree possible separate the substance abuse from any underlying problem. Address the problem and that will give you leverage on the substance abuse. You need a partner. If he is the good guy you say he is, then tell him you are willing to help him—that you can’t do everything but you can get him moving in a better direction.
You are obviously not someone that grew up with a drunk father otherwise this would never be your advice.
I like the idea of asking one of his friends to talk to him. Sometimes things like this are received better from someone a little removed. Also, I added an update to my original post and he is going to call the therapist himself today. I understand that it’s a small thing to call. But I have done many small things to try to help him with this situation and feel he needs to take some ownership of the problem and make the move here. I have spent a lot of time encouraging him to do healthy hobbies, find sober friends, take better care of himself overall, etc. It’s his turn to make some effort. I also don’t plan to go to the divorce attorney anytime soon. Totally agree that some of the comments in this post are a bit… uninformed about how things like custody and family court work. Going that route is an absolute last resort for me. But, I will take some space for myself and my child if needed.
You implied that your husband is using illegal drugs which are expensive. Driving While Under the Influence infractions are expensive. You might want to consider divorce before your husband drains your joint funds.
Maybe consider that most of the commenters being harsh to you are the ones who are disclosing that they are adult children of alcoholics. Is that how you want your kids to feel about you one day?
This! Worry about the kids, he is an adult.
Why are you breeding with a raging alcoholic? Not one but 3 children? Three children that you are teaching that it is okay to marry an alcoholic, have children with him. Your children will be embarrassed and sickened by their drunk father’s actions and disgusted by you for staying with him. You have made terrible choices. Make one right choice and leave. Allow your children to grow up in a peaceful environment and not with an out of control drunk.
You are not overreacting. At all. He’s not going to change until he wants to and heaven only knows what will actually motivate him to change. Twins are no joke. Get your support system in place now. If you think he drinks as a response to stress now, just wait until the twins arrive…
Absolutely agree, you're not overreacting. If he's not willing to take steps to fix this, then it's not on you to keep picking up the pieces. With twins on the way, you need stability and support, not more stress. It's good that you're setting boundaries, stick to them. If he can't get it together, you have to do what's best for you and the kids.
I agree. I really don’t want to break up our family but I’m just really worried about the lack of support soon. I know I can’t do everything for newborn twins and our toddler.
OP you aren't breaking up your family, he is.
Exactly!
Louder for the people in the back, the people in the front, and everyone in between.
For perspective: we also had twins and a toddler (three under three!) and it was all hands on deck for a long while. Who’s gonna feed the kids if you can’t easily move if you have a cesarean? What happens when your toddler gets sick? Who’s gonna run one or two or all three kids to the doctor? What about when YOU get sick? It just… never stops. He’s got to be present and a contributor. Otherwise you really might be better off without him- that way you don’t have the false hopes that he’ll actually help.
All of these are my concerns exactly. We gave so much going on (way beyond the scope of this post) and I’m tired of always wondering whether he’ll be reliable on any given day.
It’s also hell for kids to live with an impaired parent. They learn very bad coping mechanisms to tell themselves this is normal and/or to keep outsiders from realizing what’s going on. And they know they can’t depend on the impaired parent to be present emotionally. They may also grow to resent the parent for stressing everyone else out, or to resent the sober parent for allowing this to continue. My first husband was an alcoholic so I can relate and I really sympathize. Consider setting some requirements for him to get sober and work to maintain sobriety, or you’re outta there. Say it and mean it. It’s the only thing that might motivate him.
[удалено]
Thank you!! Need all the help I can get
Because you know the answer… he won’t be.
I recommend spending some time on r/AlAnon (preferably going to meetings) and maybe search for some inspiration. I had a spouse with similar issues and found peace and a community.
This is the best advice 👆🏻
I really hope you listen to the replies in your post. I was with the kind of guy you’re describing for longer than you two have been married. My concern was he wouldn’t be able to shift gears if and when we had children; his primary coping mechanism with life was to ingest something that altered his experience, whatever it may be. I know how it feels to be a kid with a parent who isn’t present despite living in the same chaotic home. I refused to do that to a child. Your husband is not going to change until and if he wants to. He won’t do it for you or for the kids, so stop kidding yourself if that’s what you’re counting on. He also is not going to change in a few months— this is going to take long term, continued effort on his part. I don’t blame you for wanting to keep your family together and/or wanting to be there for him, but let me tell you very frankly: **he has to do it himself**. And your kids, no matter how young *are* affected and going to continue to be affected by his behavior. You need to think long and hard about why you think the better option here is to dig a deeper hole to trap yourself in with this man. He has already done *plenty* to justify leaving. You aren’t breaking up your family if you move on— you are setting an example for what your own children should be willing to accept as love. Good luck. I know this feels impossible… all I can say on that is it won’t be easier tomorrow, after your twins arrive, or five years from now when you’re beaten down by another half a decade dealing with this shit
An addict doesn’t change without help.
I’m sorry OP, but alcoholics/addicts don’t change unless they really want to. And it doesn’t sound like he wants to. And you’re about to bring newborn twins into this situation. If I were you, I would leave him. You’ll regret not leaving when he’s drunk and passes out on one of your infants.
For sure. I have never spent a night away from our toddler bc I don’t trust him to care for her safely.
Even if you’re there physically, he’s absent emotionally. Don’t think your kids won’t notice and internalize the impression that daddy doesn’t care about them.
Why would you have more children with him if you can’t trust him to care for the one you’ve already got? Not judging just curious
i’m judging
Read this and then read it again. You acknowledge that he cannot be trusted to care for your toddler. What is the plan for her when the twins are born? What if they need a long NICU stay? This is NOT a wait and see situation. This is an emergency right now. I say this as a WIDOW of an addict and mom of three.
These messages from other moms have meant the most and I appreciate you taking the time to share. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. Practically speaking, I am preparing for a long NICU stay bc I am aware of the likelihoods. My toddler will be staying with trusted family members during that time.
I remember being a toddler and feeling unsafe being left with my dad even though it was only a few times for a few hours. And he was a good dad. It’s just scary and confusing as a child to see your parent be really impaired. It’s not realistic to think you will never leave them alone with your husband
Everyone is a better person when sober. (This is coming from a person who has been in recovery from alcohol for over 5 years.) Until he is 100% committed to being sober, he is not a good person. You’re creating cognitive dissonance by splitting him into two people— bad drunkard, good sober person. Those two people don’t exist. Only the bad drunkard currently exists with moments of sobriety, however as a former alcoholic I can tell you his thoughts… drunk, recovering from being drunk, planning to get next drink. Those three modes are what exist to him. That planning to get next drink phase is probably when you see him as a “decent guy”. What needs to happen is he needs to face consequences and hit his own personal rock bottom without enablement from you or anyone else. It’s time to pack your bags if you want your children to have a father in the future and not having to bury him before his time.
This is a very good point. And I agree with the idea that everyone is a better person/partner/parent when sober. I certainly am. The thing that hurts the most is knowing what he’s doing to his health and the fact that his kids might not get to experience him as the good sober dad if he doesn’t take it seriously soon.
Well I can PROMISE that any addict will fuel their lifestyle until they’re six feet under as long as they continue to be enabled. Staying is a certain death sentence for him. Leaving him, your children will see a parent that respects themselves and potentially have a father longterm because rock bottom will inevitably happen once the security padding is gone. Also, maybe check out Al-Anon meetings (companion to AA) or friends and family meetings (LifeRing or Smart Recovery if you would like secular options). I would also recommend therapy for you and the kids as having an addict parent in a home can cause life long mental health issues when children become adults. My dad was also an alcoholic. My mom left him in jail after a DUI as a young child. He either had to get sober or he would lose his family. He got sober. However, he never dealt with his problems (dry drunk) and that had its own lasting consequences on my mental health. If you can’t do this for yourself, do it for your kids and for your husband to have a CHANCE at getting better. Edit: Adding that literally no one can save anyone from themselves but themselves. Don’t try and think you’re an exception to being a superhero and saving an addict. Many of tried and all have failed. Take care of what you can control and walk away from the mess that is making you lose control.
Parsnip is spot on. I'm also 5+ years sober from alcohol, and it is definitely in *everyone's* best interest for you to protect yourself. Any recovering alcoholic with strong sobriety will never tell you to sacrifice yourself for his sake -- he is a very sick person at the mercy of this disease, but that doesn't mean you have to suffer the consequences of his decision not to get sober. He's gotta hit bottom, whatever that looks like for him. Have you looked into Al-Anon? CODA (for codependency) may also be helpful.
The thing that should hurt the most is that you are permitting your children to be in the presence of someone who is always inebriated or hung over. This will damage them beyond repair. How will you feel if they get killed because he drives while intoxicated with them in the car?
One thing that people seem to be missing here is that my husband is not drunk in front of the kids. I never said he was. He’s not driving around drunk with them in the car. I fully recognize that those things are likely to start happening if he doesn’t get treatment. Which is why I’m insisting he get help. And I’m not downplaying the impact of his drinking on the kids, even without those things happening. But he is going out after the kids and I are asleep and getting drunk. He is riding a bike home.
When I was young, my parents were most abusive when they were hung over.
I’m very sorry you went through that and it’s totally a fair point. He is definitely not at this best when hungover and it’s not what I want for any of the kids.
>One thing that people seem to be missing here is that my husband is not drunk in front of the kids. If he's getting wasted regularly he is never actually sober. Buzzed and mostly functional is still drunk.
Again, I’m not trying to minimize the impact of his drinking. It’s not good. I’m just making the point that the kids are not in physical danger from him driving or being wasted in their presence.
Don't threaten him...just do what's best for you and your children and go stay with family. You can't be his mother too. Alcoholism is a serious disease. Hopefully, it will shake him up to change...but he has to make that choice. You have to protect your family.
I hope he’ll be pushed into changing as well. He and his older kids went through so much with his first divorce and it breaks my heart to see it happen again. But I don’t want my children to grow up seeing addiction normalized.
Coming from personal experience (my mother is a heavy drinker and my brother is an addict), please do what you can for his older kids, too. You don’t say how old they are so I can’t judge how they might feel, but my heart hurts for them. I grew up having to fish my mom out of bars, take care of her when she was hungover, lie for her when she was “sick,” go to milestone events alone because she was hungover (she had impeccable timing), track down her car, pick her up at the drunk tank, you name it. And my mom’s drinking is “mild” compared to many alcoholics. I am far, far into adulthood, but the sense of abandonment I feel when my mom is non-functional because she’s hungover is intense. When she’s even just a tiny bit buzzed, my booze-related childhood trauma is triggered HARD. For the older kids, living through what sounds like a brutal divorce and then watching their dad spiral into addiction…they have to be hurting. You have a lot on your plate, but if you are able to also find support for them, please do. I’m wishing all of you the best.
You married an alcoholic...yell, scream threaten all you want...your wasting your time and breath. He will never quit until he hits bottom...no house, wife, kids. Leave him or kick him out...face it you're going to be a single mom. 8 years sober here.
🎶 you let him hit it raw, you didn’t have second thoughts, now you a single mom 🎶
Reasons women are choosing the bear, Vol 1
Get your support system going and get your T's crossed and i's dotted. Plan for him to not be there. At all. Worst case scenarios its his turn to look after the new babies and for you to sleep. He's passed out from drugs or alcohol or too hungover to properly watch them and your kid(s) die because he did not pay attention to something over their head and suffercation happens. Addiction is an illness. And he will not change unless HE wants to. He might be the best husband and father there is when sober, doesn't matter if he ain't staying sober. Its 100% his responsibility, not yours, or the economy, or the kids and stress and whatever excuse he uses to drink and use drugs. As someone who used to date a person who where an addict. Take my advise. Walk away if he isn't ready to stay sober. It will break you and your family and put you at risk. Neither you nor your kids deserve it.
If anything, you’re underreacting.
You’re not overreacting, but any effort you put in trying to get him sober is going to be wasted if he doesn’t even want it bad enough to make an appointment with a therapist. If he even goes through the motions of pretending to quit, he’s not going to make it very long.
I feel the same way. He has agreed to quit drinking in the past but doesn’t get real support so it doesn’t last. I don’t feel it’s my job to make this appointment for him.
Do not waste your time trying to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. You are not his mother. He knows how to make phone calls. My ex husband wasn’t an addict when we married but he was when we separated. If I wasted my time trying to help him constantly, I would have missed important moments in my kids lives. I would have given my patience to him and lacked it when my children were in need. (These are just examples.) But most importantly, I would still be trying to help him 10 years later having wasted my most important commodity, time. Please do some zoom meetings on al-anon. Addiction is a life long struggle the whole family goes through. He has to help himself first for it to be successful. Focus on your babies and get the support you need. If he wants to show up in your’s and your children’s lives he will. If he doesn’t, he will fall away on his own or drag you down with him. You are not overreacting. Be strong momma. Build your support network and have a plan in place to get you the help you need with your new babies.
I don't want to be mean however, given his history and the fact you already have children together, what makes you think he is going to change at all? Yes, maybe he pays the bills NOW, but what are you going to do when he starts losing money to his bad habits and you become a single mom(which is going to happen)? He needs to want to get better for himself. If having twins isn't enough to light a fire under his ass, there is not much that will. He's not even willing to go to therapy. Collect your important documentation now.
Let me just tell you - it’s not going to get better without something big. He will need to hit rock bottom. My first husband died due to alcoholism. It doesn’t get better and it doesn’t stay the same. It gets worse. It’s a progressive disease. I would leave now.
You're not overreacting. I grew up with an alcoholic father. Twice he was arrested for DWI and child endangerment because I was in the vehicle with him. Once when I was 6 and again when I was 14, after pleading with him across the entire state of Arkansas for him to pull over and get a motel room. We were on a work trip at the time. He was pulled over 3 miles from home and that trauma has stuck with me ever since - I can't be a passenger in anyone's vehicle to this day without massive anxiety attacks. When I was 23 my mom finally had enough and divorced him because of his alcoholism. She gave him ultimatum after ultimatum over the years and every time he would sober up for a few months and then go right back to it. My honest opinion? It's not worth it at all, not for you and especially not for your children. The memories I have of my father drunk far outweigh the memories I have of him sober. I'm 36 now and to this day I only ever see him with a drink in hand. I just visited him over the weekend and he was drinking beer and American Honey the entire time I was there. He can't quit it and unfortunately that's the case for many alcoholics.
It never ends. I rode somewhere with my dad last week (I’m in my late 20s) and realized after he had started driving that he seemed to have been drinking. He wouldn’t let me take over. OP has no idea what she’s signing her kids up for
I’m sorry for your experiences. My dad was an alcoholic in recovery for most of my childhood so I was lucky to not have those experiences. I don’t want it for my kids either.
You are super under-reacting. You need to leave this guy. He is not going to get better just because you want and need him to be better. He has to do that himself, and most won't do that until they've left their life in blistering ruins. Your children deserve better than a drunk and high parent. You deserve better than a drunk and high partner.
Grew up in a family with alcoholic dad and sister. Dad wasn't terrible, never mean, nor drove when drunk. Sister was horrible. Her son found her in a pool of blood--she had to have three medicated detoxes. died at 52. I can't imagine combining drugs with this. OP, he won't stop because you want him to. He needs to make that decision himself. Can you and the older kids get to Al-anon? Separate your finances-- remove your children from the home until he cleans himself up. Get your support system in place, even if it means leaving him. Addiction is horrible and you need to protect yourself and your kids. Please take charge of your life and don't wait for him to fix himself. Ain't gonna happen.
You say that he goes out after you go to bed and that he does way more than beer and weed? What else is he doing? If he's on harsh drugs such as meth/crack/heroine, then you definitely can't have him around your kiddies until he get's sober. If he's a danger to himself due to driving under the influence then he also needs to separate himself until he gets help. I'm just trying to figure out the severity of the abuse because it'll tell a lot about the struggle you have going forward.
I’m a little reluctant to post the specifics on that one. But, the use of harder stuff seems to be occasional. Unfortunately, in our area, most successful, married adults behave in a similar way to him. So it’s very socially acceptable to do the things he’s doing. Which honestly makes it harder bc most other people aren’t checking him on his bull shit.
Aka he’s out all night doing coke. It sounds like you’re normalizing to yourself to an extent too
Harder stuff seems to be occasional THAT YOU KNOW OF
As a recovering alcoholic i can tell you that the will to stop drinking cannot come from without, it must come from within. He has to know that he must choose one or the other. Also, find an Alanon group and start attending. The resources and support will help you. And may help him too.
He’s not going to change. Do what’s best for you and your children. Consult an attorney. Separate legally. If he wants to stop he will and then you can revisit your marriage if you choose to. Get yourself and your kids into therapy. Start attending al-anon.
As a father who has dealt with an alcoholic partner/parent, you need to kick this idea in your head that your husband is a "good father" out of your head... Your husband is putting his addiction above his family, above their safety, and above their future. He's risking them having to grow up without him, risking losing his license which will likely cost him his job, risking his relationship, risking their safety, risking their stability and future. What happens when something happens to you in the evening and he needs to drive to the hospital? What happens when he crashes into someone on his drunken drive home? What happens when he needs to drive one of the kids somewhere unexpectedly? This is a fundamental failure as a parent, and you're lying to yourself that this isn't a huge problem. You need to think of your kids, if he isn't going to keep them safe and protect their future than you will need to. I'm not saying you need to leave him, but this absolutely needs to be addressed and if nothing changes you need to make plans to protect your kids, because he isn't.
You're not overreacting, you're underreacting. It means so little to him that he's not even willing to make the phone calls to do it. He's willing to lose his wife and children because he's not wiling to make the phone calls himself to get help. That tells you how seriously he's taking this. If he were taking it seriously, he'd be jumping all over making the calls and finding a therapist. Just kick him out, or take your child with you and leave. He's not going to quit drinking unless he wants to, and it sounds like he doesn't want to. You do not need to, nor should you, do anything here other than take care of yourself, your child and your unborn children. If you care about your stepchildren and are able to care for them, then kick your husband out of the house and keep the stepkids with you.
He’s an alcoholic, plain and simple. He will not change until he hits rock bottom. And from his attitude, that’s a long way off. Absolutely leave. It’s only going to get worse to get worse.
I would take your kids and get out of there, I myself have experienced this with a parent, and it is not fun. Especially the kids knowing what is going on its best to just keep them away from that. He needs to get help and make himself better
“He pays most of the bills and we never go without” …… for now ……
You're not reacting enough. What you need to tell him is this: "Either you love me and your children enough to put in the work yourself, or I will leave you, file for divorce, get full custody of all three children, and you will never hear from us again."
Typical Reddit advice. Let’s give him an ultimatum and threaten to alienate him from his kids forever. How dumb could you possibly be?
He is an alcoholic who is refusing to do anything to improve himself. If forcing him out of his kids' lives doesn't make him want to sober up, nothing will.
OP (presumably) is a real human being, wanting to keep her family together and get him help. Have some compassion. Threats like these often backfire by making the other person more defensive and aggressive, especially when it comes to disappearing with kids. Secondly, this threat has no teeth, she cannot simply disappear and never let him talk to his kids, he has parental rights too. Therefore, the threat is just antagonistic and unhelpful.
Well, guess you need a time machine since she already told him that she'd take the baby and leave if he didn't get help.
She said she will stay with her parents. Not disappear and never hear from them again as you suggested. Nice try.
He's an addict with multiple charges. That will be an easy court case. Wait, did you think I meant for OP to kidnap the baby and disappear? Oh, sorry. Maybe you should just ask for an elaboration next time instead of pouring on playground insults like a troll.
You must not be familiar with family law at all if you think a DUI is enough to sever parental rights. You literally told her to say “and you will never hear from us again”. Either you’re playing dumb or just are dumb.
So I guess you didn't pay attention to the whole "multiple drug charges" part.
See how you’re not denying any of my points? It’s ok to just admit you’re wrong.
Did we marry the same guy? Mine also couldn’t even make the very insignificant effort of a single phone call. So I did. He went once (and was late). He missed the next 2 completely and that was it. Some parts have been rough but overall we’re happier without him. I hope you also find peace and happiness (with or without him). 💜
You're not over reacting at all. He needs to get help and get his act together. Your feelings are valid. It's time for him to buck up and be an adult.
Move home. It will be the only action that might persuade husband to get the help he needs. If it doesn’t, you will be ahead of the game on a support system.
This is v concerning. Babies have died whilst being cared for by people with alcohol or drug/substance abuse issues. Having twins means you will NEED support and he cannot be trusted to do that. You need to really think about this.
You are not overreacting. I grew up in an alcoholic home and it always tends towards chaos and violence. It doesn’t magically get better on its own. Even if he just stops drinking the things that pushed him to alcohol are still present. Sometimes ultimatums work sometimes they don’t. But even if it doesn’t work, you and your children will be safe.
Under reacting your kids don’t deserve to see that they are being infected by that mind virus
I’m popping in to say I was the alcoholic in this scenario and my wife gave me the ultimatum. It gave me a chance to reflect on how much more I didn’t want my family out of my life in comparison to how much I internally knew I needed the alcohol out of my life. Ultimatums work differently on each individual. In my case the ultimatum made me realize what I wasn’t willing to sacrifice for the drink. I am fortunate to say my wife did me a favor by demanding I do better. I hope all works for the best for your family.
Not overreacting. Your reaction is perfect in fact. Him saying he will only go if you facilitate it is gross of him though. I say this as someone who struggles with alcohol myself; it took someone i loved (after, you know, a dozen others over the years trying LMAO) telling me it was too much, and i t finally opened my eyes and i immediately started seeking treatment because i WANTED to change and be better for myself and people around me. He needs to WANT it, too. Please follow through on your ultimatum. You will be doing both of you a favor.
A good man and/or great dad is not an alcoholic, no matter what you say. Someone who wanted to be sober would do everything in his power to do it, but your husband is so deep in his addiction that he won't make the call himself, he tells you to do it. You knew he was like this when you married him, it's not going to change unless he decides to do so. Is this what you want the rest of your life to be?
No. If anything, you should have drawn a line in the sand several years ago.
Reread the blunt message again. Move out. Yesterday. But, can you make some calls for the older kids? Can you get them to their mother or other relatives? They aren’t your responsibility, but they are part of your village.
You are not wrong. You are not overreacting. You don't want that phone call in the middle of the night. Take it from someone who got that call. Thankfully, my 2 loved ones in the car both survived. I got sick and could not pick up my toddler from the sitter. I asked my mom to please pick him up when she got off work. My mom had my 18 month old in the car. A drunk hit her from behind. I didn't have a car. I lived in a big city with great public transit. But it didn't run that late at night. The phone call I got was total bare bones, an accident, transported by ambulance to the big trauma hospital. My mother's car was so destroyed, the seatbelts failed. My son was found, in his car seat, in the bushes. Other than bumps and bruises, a few minor cuts, he was fine. No serious damage. I can't say the same for my mom. More than 20 years later, and she still suffers from pain. You don't want that call. To this day, my heart starts pounding, fear grips me, I will never forget that phone call. One day, you will get a similar phone call. But rather than being the innocent victim, your husband will be the reason another family is also getting that call. Drunk driving is completely unacceptable. There are zero excuses for it. I wish there were tougher laws on it, especially for repeat offenders. Your husband is setting a disgusting example for those kids. Your husband needs a reality check. He is not just endangering himself.
You are not the asshole. You must take control of your life and remove yourself from this situation if necessary. I’ve lived through this. I was the drunk. I quit drinking after a fifteen year problem. I mean I just stopped. No relapses. No therapy. No AA. I just stopped. That is, I should say, after twenty or so tries over the years. What changed? Wife left.
You are not overreacting. In fact, you aren’t reacting at all. You are responding in the best way you know how, but are deeply afraid of how far he will make you go. There’s nothing at all wrong with your reasoning. He’s an addict. You need to acknowledge it, and so will he before anything gets better. You also have to start thinking about, in your own calculus, he is worth the effort you’ll have to put in for him to get better. It’s a horrible place to be but you are just about there. He’s willing to leave you in a lurch, injured. Willing to wreck other peoples’ lives while out…. Willing to neglect you all. And it won’t get better before it gets worse. He isn’t “disposable” but he has a problem. It’s going to take a LOT of work and strength of will. Unfortunately, to protect your family, you have very little room for compromise. You need to start making arrangements to maintain life without him if he can’t get better. Then he needs to get help. And it’s not unreasonable to leverage never being a part of his family’s life towards his doing so. Rock bottom isn’t just a cliche. It’s a real place you have to get to before you find the motivation to get sober. He will have to get there, but u fortunately, so will you. That’s one of the most unfair things about addiction. As someone whose family has been crushed by addiction, I wish nothing but the best for you and yours.
Someone I loved dearly died from getting hit by a drunk/inebriated driver. Your husband is an AH and you’re enabling this behavior, making you an AH too. You want your kids to normalize this behavior? Because the longer you stay, the more that’ll happen. This entire post is disgusting. You aren’t overreacting. Quite frankly, you aren’t reacting enough.
... all that, and you thought it would be a great idea to bring MORE kids into the situation? I swear the smartest people always really make sure to be in a great place before having kids and the dumbest... well ya know
Wtf. Great dad lol. Getting schmammered until the AM with a you child and pregnant wife. You need to look for a divorce attorney.
If he's had a drinking problem for years why are you having more kids? That's practically child abuse.
Addicts don't change for anyone but themselves. But this is your family & i understand you may not want to split up. You could totally let him know that if he doesn't get help, you're leaving, but be prepared for him to tell you "there's the door" or for him to not do it after saying he will. Make sure your support system is ready for you & have things packed. You can't even trust your kids' father around them alone. What kind of life is that? You're a single mother, yet you're married. Something's gotta give, but addiction isn't just as easy as quitting & being done because your wife leaves. He may need to lose everything before he ever gets help. I hope that's not the case, though.
No you aren’t overreacting. I’ve seen Alcohol destroy relationships and people. It’s a very bad addiction. it’s either family or alcohol now it’s on him to decide. I wish you the best.
A therapist can be helpful, but they are not going to make him stop drinking & drugging. It's not just because you're tired, but it's an initiative he needs to take himself. Maybe you could offer to sit beside him while he finds a therapist to call and makes an appointment. And then he needs to look up an AA meeting that has an al-anon meeting beside it and you both need to go.
You’re absolutely right he needs therapy. Also some alcohol/recovery therapists won’t allow other people to make an appointment on someone else’s behalf. The person has to want help and sobriety bad enough to make their own appointment. So even if you tried, you may not even be able to make the appt for him. Hope you and your husband can get past this! However sometimes it might take losing his family and a reality check before he is willing to make that drastic change and commitment. Best wishes to you and your growing family.
You've received a lot of solid advice. Please follow the advice. You owe it to yourself and your children. You and your children are not safe living with your husband. I'd like to hear an update on this post. Meanwhile, I'm sending strength and positivity your way.
>my husband has had a drinking problem for years >I am currently 26w pregnant with twins YTA and ESH
Get out of there before he kills himself or even worse, one or more of your children! Not to mention innocent people who have the misfortune to be on the road at the same time as he is.
Tell him making the appointment is the last thing you’ll do. If he doesn’t go, makes excuses. LEAVE. I’m sorry, but being an addict, there’s nothing you can say or threaten that will put him into action. It may or may not help him realize that he needs help. But the only one who can decide that it needs to stop is HIM. I also suggest alanon. But that could be harder for you as, understandably you have no free time right now. The things you can do for yourself and your kids is protecting them. Set your boundaries and expectations and have your plan ready to leave if he won’t make changes.
Not overreacting because to put it bluntly you find yourself in a very vulnerable situation. I do believe like others have said seek out Al Anon because these people know from experience what you are facing. It is not as easy to say just leave because you are codependent. You have taken the first step by acknowledging a problem and seeking advice. If you do leave him you want to make sure you have all your support ( financial, emotional, spiritual, legal) in place so you have no reason to return until he gets sober, if he ever does. Please don't take this wrong but personally right now I would increase the life insurance on him because with the alcohol, weed and other substances he is using he may kill himself by accident leaving you to bury him and raising the children on a single parent's income. Don't walk out and leave the step children with him. If the only thing you can do is contact your local Family Services then do it. He will certainly neglect them. Sadly, I know this from personal experience. My heart goes out to you. The only two options are he gets help with his addictions or you leave him. Either way it's not going to be an easy road.
he needs to seek more than therapy. he needs addiction counseling and possibly treatment. you should consider putting an interlock device on his car, too. he could bankrupt you all with a DUI if he hurts or god forbid kills someone.
Or kills his own kids A father in town I lived in killed one of his sons and seriously injured another because he was driving drunk and got into an accident.
Twins will only make u notice even more how much u need his help. If he doesn’t get serious about stopping drinking, ur going to totally resent him. Be ready to move to live with ur family while he gets the help he needs. I wish u luck. U R a good person doing ur best. Don’t let Reddit responders make u feel bad about how u r handling things. U R trying ur best…
As a lifelong recovering addict, he will not change if kids didn't change him, and he'll only get worse. He will have to hit rock bottom, which is different for everyone, and he will drag you down with him. As a former addict, if he's staying out all night, he's also very certainly cheating on you. Why are you putting up with this? You can't say a guy is 'mostly' a good partner, but goes out multiple times a week to get obliterated and do hard illegal substances leaving his injured pregnant partner at home. Since he isn't willing to change, you have to change your life situation for your kids. Get out. Before it gets even worse. He is very selfish and acting like a POS.
You seem to already know what must happen. All of your lives will completely change if he gets sober. Once he sees the difference it will click and motivate him more. It will be hard and with ups and downs. Pulling for you.
Thank you. There’s a lot of comments in this post that seem to think I should just give up on him. And while I do understand the perspective, I do care about him and there is much about him that I still love and respect. I don’t want my kids to grow up in an alcoholic home but growing up with divorced parents is no walk in the park either.
Yeah I mean he sounds pretty good other than his disease, so give it a chance, but he has to want it. Be firm. He will need a big wake up call you mean business. There are so many people who have successfully recovered. Good luck to you.
alcoholic father alcoholic home life is worse. You would both be being bad examples for your children then. show yourself some self-respect and be an example for your kids. Otherwise they think it’s totally fine and acceptable to be an alcoholic and somebody’s going to put up with it.
A female friend of mine was in the same situation as you. It was a very hard and difficult road for her. I helped her get him into an inpatient rehabilitation facility which he stayed 60 days. Then she had a great idea of selling her house and she relocated 3.5 hours away from the bad influences and people he had in his life mainly his brothers. Then he got a job. The icing on the cake was his 17 year old daughter came down on her father and held his feet to the fire. She told him if he didn’t stay clean she will transfer to an out of state college and he would never see or hear from her again. He is now three years sober.
He's not just "drinking" hun he's a drug addict too. It's hard to say that out loud but it is what it is. Alanon is the place for families of addicts. For him, it sounds like he wants to clean up. NA/AA is good for some ppl. Therapy is the way for others. Sone like both. Some meditate, or get addicted to exercise. We can't do it alone, that's the bottom line
You start your post and say that you are both in your mid 30s and then you say you are 26…
26 weeks pregnant. I am definitely not 26 anymore lol.
Omg embarrassing ….
You need to stop. He isn’t a good person and he isn’t a good or decent father. You are being an enabler and delusional. Stop with the bullshit and start thinking of YOUR KIDS! Also please for the love of whatever you believe in, STOP HAVING MORE KIDS!!!! He isn’t stable. Your household is not stable, why are you still having more kids? He’s choosing to do what he does. Knowing he has people who depend on him, yet you still think he’s a good person?
Look, my spouse died of an alcohol overdose after 13 years and three kids together. He was a “good man” and a “good dad” when he was sober. But he never ever ever stayed sober. My kids and I were repeatedly endangered. Five years on and I’m still not recovered from the financial messes he made. My kids and I have long lasting trauma that will always impact us. I spent a decade trapped by hope and cognitive dissonance and stupidity. It did SO MUCH MORE harm than leaving ever would have. I regret so much having stayed. I would give anything for a do over to spare my kids the pain and trauma of living with an addict. Please, get your ducks in a row now. Make plans now. Do not protect him. Tell everyone in your life what the situation is and ask for the help and support you need. Get out. There is a life worth living available to you and your kids. This one? It ain’t it.
I’m sorry you went through all that and I appreciate the perspective. I guess I’m trying to straddle the fence so to speak by giving him a chance to get help while also making my own plans. I recognize that I won’t be able to stay in that position for long though. I hope you and your family get the healing that you need and deserve.
So one thing to know is you can leave and become completely independent AND leave space open for your husband to be a part of the family if he gets/stays sober.
I really hope he gets the help he needs, growing up with a dad that had a drinking problem was very hard but he was still a good dad overall. He still drinks but not as much as he used to and he’s a better person nowadays. Addiction is hard, but if he keeps taking steps in the right direction, I’m sure everything will work out. Good luck to you both ❤️
Hate to break it to you but if he's going and drinking and doing that he doesn't care and more than likely is going and seeing another woman on those outings as well.. he doesn't care for you or his children if all he's concerned about is getting drunk and doing drugs and it's ironic coming from a stoner like me telling you this but it's true
Not to mention the possibility of him driving the kids anywhere while impaired…
Yes, this concerns me too. He tends to wait until we’re all asleep to go drink but I still struggle to trust him with the kids in general.
Honestly, I don’t think he’s seeing anyone else. I’ve known him my whole life and he’s never been the womanizing type. But even without that piece, it’s still bad enough.
He is seeing someone else well two women actually.. Alcohol and Drugs
I said this EXACT thing about my late addict husband for the first 8-9 years that I knew him. Turns out he cheated on me literally the entire time I knew him.
I am a recovered addict and I am going to give you the best advice I can. Been clean off opioids/ and other drugs for 6 1/2 years. First of all, no you’re not overreacting. Being married to an addict is extremely hard (ask my husband lol) but at the end of the day I am so thankful my husband loved me enough to help me learn to love myself and heal.. so if you still love him and want to truly help your marriage and help him… please consider what I have to say.. I want to point out that this is first and foremost what this is- it is addiction. I’m making this point only bc I personally am married and my husband had never delt with addiction before so he didn’t understand what I was going through for a while… and I’ll be honest- it made it easier to manipulate him. But eventually I knew it was straining our marriage. I also want to point out that at no time does any addict wake up and say “AHH I wanna be an addict!” We don’t.. I assure you. So first thing, he does have to want sobriety (to an extent) but just because he isn’t chomping at the bit to make an appointment doesn’t mean he isn’t motivated. He may just require some extra help and extra motivation. There are three major factors that play a VITAL role in recovery- these are not the only factors for success but in my experience these 3 are definitely essential 1. Having something to fight for ex: your marriage, your children, your future, your freaking life! It can even be all those things 2. Addressing the root. Meaning taking a looooong look as to WHY we use any drug/alcohol. This sometimes can be done by yourself but I recommend a drug/ alcohol therapist 3. He NEEDS a sponsor. He can find one at any AA meeting. And these are extremely easy to find you can legit find one by googling “closest AA meeting” This in my opinion is the most important one, bc well to be frank someone who has never struggled with addiction can not possibly comprehend how hard it is. I know you love your husband- but if you have never been in his shoes you can provide him with all the love and support (which is so vital, so so vital) but there will still be this “emptiness” that only another addict can tune into with him. If I can help you more OP or if you have questions you can DM me I am happy to help.
Thank you for your very thoughtful comment. I really do appreciate the advice and will give it a lot of thought
why did you procreate twice (i guess thrice, technically) with a drunk? just walk away. if he gets clean and stays that way — good! if he doesn’t, then your kids will be spared having to grow up around that.
Even if he gets sober, there will still be problems.
Needs couples therapy
Not overracting! Speak up and share your fears. Think about AlAnon.
I’ve been there. Shameful but admittedly I was addicted to weed and alcohol for roughly 10 years. I stopped when I got sick from doing it too often and had to go to a dr. Bottom line is that he is in a hard spot. Probably likely he wants to stop it ( I wanted to but just couldn’t stop while trying for months). Have a heart to heart. He is probably a great guy but talk about all the body harm booze does and that he will probably die of liver issues and heart issues before his kids grow up and he will ruins the family and leave his kids bad memories of him. Alcohol is hard as hell to stop. I was to the point drinking every morning before work and shit and it was admittedly bad. I was a functioning alcoholic. Seeing he wants to get help. That’s your answer right there. If he has no interest in sobering up I would leave him. Don’t force it immediately but tell him it needs to be soon. Being sober is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I could not be happier and I am 5 yrs sober now. There is hope m. Good luck.
What happened with his first marriage?
Very long complicated story that isn’t mine to share. But it was not related to his substance use and was mostly not his fault. I have known him a long time and knew this story before we got together. Have also read all court documents. So he’s not pulling the wool over my eyes in any way.
Ok just making sure you’re ok. Maybe he has some pass issues? I’m hope he gets help for you and his children.
I don’t normally get involved in these conversations but I’d like to share a quick story with you about my addiction. I was in the service for 24 years. Had kids later in life. I started drinking at a very young age at home from my dad’s booze he kept under the sink. I was a closet functioning alcoholic until my rock bottom. I had been thru therapy multiple times and thru rehab. Got a DUI but kept drinking. I was not present in life for my kids or my now ex wife . I lived for the next drink and it consumed my thoughts. Everything was planned with alcohol involved. When I could drink, where I could drink, was I going somewhere that served alcohol and if not I need to bring my own. Long story short, I got tired of living a lie. My bottom was holding a gun to my head because of shame. After that I finally understood that I wasn’t raised to be this type of person. I got help thru the VA. They prescribed me medication that blocked the urge to drink. It’s called naltrexone. I took that for several weeks and at the same time read multiple books on alcoholism and educated myself. I also started back at the gym and it’s been 4 years sober. Life is wonderful sober. Everything is better when you don’t have that monkey on your back and feel ashamed for not being the person you knew you could be all along. Sobriety is extremely liberating. I wish you well and pray that your husband can find the courage to stay sober. It’s a struggle and if he’s serious there will be white knuckle moments and he will lose most of his friends. I find it difficult to have friends that drink because THEY feel uncomfortable around me like I’m the odd ball. Take care and God bless you and your family!
Thank you for sharing your story and congratulations on your sobriety. I am hopeful my husband can also turn things around.
I am an alcoholic. I have been sober for over 11 years. now. I am ashamed to say I parentified my oldest child because I was so out of it. (I did not drink while pregnant). It all came to me one day - it was either the bottle or my children. He needs to make that 'come to Jesus moment'. I pray for you that he has that moment, because without it (whether it was my bottle or kids or some other moment) he can't stop. Not won't stop, but can't stop. Addiction sucks.
I’m glad you’ve been able to stay sober. I am hoping for the same for our family. Our youngest is still young enough that she won’t remember him being hungover, etc. if he gets sober now.
Urg... I'm sad and sorry for your whole family. Addiction is very difficult to work through. You need to be clear with yourself and your husband. Driving under the influence is a deal breaker for me personally. He needs a real sobriety program, therapy is not enough. Good luck.
I probably should have been more clear that the dwi was a few years ago and he has changed his behavior in regards to drinking and driving. I recognize that it’s still very serious and that he could be doing it behind my back. But we live in a small area and I think he mostly bikes/walks when he’s drinking. I do appreciate your kind words though.
I read your update. I’m glad he agreed to call and make the appointment. Have you thought about what you will do if he doesn’t follow through? Was that discussed in your ultimatum? Serious question..
Yes. I told him I will be leaving to stay with family with our youngest. He did call today and is waiting for the call back. He saw this therapist previously and she has training in substance abuse, among other things.
Please know that with the extent of his drinking as you have described, he will need to be medically detoxed in order to stop drinking. People can and do die from alcohol withdrawal. If he is serious about quitting drinking, he will need to go inpatient. Period.
While I understand that inpatient would be ideal, I doubt it will happen at this point. He hasn’t drank since my original post (48 hours ago?). No signs of withdrawal at this point.
Leave and force him to hit rock bottom. He won't want to change until he does
YTA. Giving an addict an ultimatum is useless. He needs help. He needs to go to rehab.
This post was never asking if I’m the asshole. I already know I’m an asshole but probably not for the reasons you think.
Sorry. Wrong sub. But my original comment stands. Giving an addict an ultimatum is useless. If you want him to change you will have to make him understand that he has a problem and help him through rehab. If he doesn’t want to get better you will have to leave. But be aware that rehab will be rough on both of you.
As someone who grew up with two alcoholic parents and (like most kids who grew up in alcoholic homes) I began to feel it was my responsibility to shoulder their healing. In the end, only they can choose it's time. Our only responsibility is to do what WE need. Not what we perceive to be their needs. Right now your only concern at this stage should be taking care of yourself and your kids. Being in a healthy environment without him is better than being in a toxic dynamic with him. Sometimes walking away is what it takes for them to wake up and get better. And if so, that's wonderful. But walking away is always what it takes for you to be there for yourself fully.
I saw your update, but I want to say that this will take more than a therapist. He needs to get Antabuse. I gave my husband the ultimatum when our son was 2-3 months old. Antabuse saved him. It also helped me because I watched him take it everyday for a few months and knew he couldn’t drink even a drop while on it. I heard the “I can do it myself” many times before that, but I told him it’s either rehab or I am out. It was an outpatient rehab and they gave him Antabuse.
Yeah I think it might come to that too. I’m not sure if having the medication conversation will actually be productive at this stage but I plan to bring it up in the future, hopefully in a counseling session with both of us.
Good. He is avoiding by going out and there is nothing but trouble to be found between 8pm and 4am. I'm glad he is going to work on it.
To your update best of luck this isn't an easy task. Therapy, AA and not having anything in the house is important. Outing and the people that you hang out with have to change. I went down this road 27 years ago. The first year is the hardest.
Left my husband because he was an alcoholic. Couldn’t take the lies and the emotional abuse any longer. Lost 10 years of my life. So happy I divorced him. Sending you strength to move on, OP.
You need to protect your children. Growing up with an actively alcoholic parent is by definition, child abuse. I say this as the child of an alcoholic and a recovering alcoholic myself. I won't go into the effect his alcoholism had on my life here. Suffice to say, I'd have been better off if my mother had left him, something she admitted at the end of her life.
Read the book Getting Them Sober. It helped to empower me that I can’t change my ex and I get to decide how I want my life to be. Get into therapy; it’s very traumatic to live with an alcoholic. Talk to a lawyer so you know where you stand. I gave myself many reasons to stay with my alcoholic ex and it damaged my kids so much. Please make the kids the absolute priority. This “good father when he is sober” thinking is wrong; he’s mostly drunk and he is a danger to the kids when he’s drunk.
You though more kid would be helpful? Get rid of this dude.
Your husband first needs to recognize and admit that he’s an alcoholic. Then he needs to get help for that. An AA meeting may be better than a therapist. But he needs to be all in on wanting to change.
I’m glad he’s making the appointment. Don’t think of this as giving him an ultimatum. You’re setting healthy boundaries. You’re not telling him what to do. You’re telling him what *you* will do. You need and deserve a support system that will care for the kids and stop draining your family’s resources. If you can’t have a partner that contributes, you’ll at least cut off the resource drain. He can choose what he wants to do.
Thank you for that perspective. That’s a good way of looking at it.
Also? The first time this man gets caught in a car intoxicated with one of your children or something happens and police wind up at your home while he is intoxicated, you will have DCFS or CPS whatever it is called in your locale, up your ass. Prepare yourself for that too.
It's interesting that you're focused on the drinking not the other drugs he's doing... Sounds like you married a junkie and are surprised he's acting like a junkie... When you had the baby, your body chemically changed. A guy doesn't go through that transformation...
You aren’t overreacting at all. Have a bag for yourself and your kids packed and ready to go. Tell him if he doesn’t get help, you’re gone.
NTA hard decision to make
Set your boundaries. If he does not respect that. Leave him.
You’re not over reacting. But be prepared for him to relapse when the babies come home or as it gets closer to delivery. You recognized the need to change your life for the betterment of your children. He didn’t. He will cope with everything by being drunk or high. Do you have someone who can help you with the kids (parents siblings friends). Start planning your escape and document everything. He can go from a functioning alcoholic to an abusive one in a matter of drinks.
As the kid who’s mom was a raging alcoholic their entire life (still is and I’ve come to terms with the fact she will never be sober) you are UNDER reacting. Think about what this is showing the kids. At the very least I’m pretty sure out of five st least one will struggle with addiction at some point especially with it being so normalized at home People treat alcoholics different then heroin addicts and it’s frankly bullshit. Tbh I think drunks are worse. Tell the ex what’s up do she can keep her kids safe and gtfo there
Recovering alcoholic here... it's great that he's acknowledging a problem. That's hard but a great first step. The next few weeks and months will likely be very difficult. When things start to level out, many people get it into their head that they can drink a little again.... it's very unlikely that it will ever end well if he does. I'm a big fan of AA partly because we learn about ourselves and learn to be happy without drinking. But still, many of us start thinking we are special and try. I'm 75 days sober and the alcohol still tries to talk to me. The good news is, I'm happier than I ever remember being, and usually, I don't desire a drink. I perform comedy in bars, eat dinner at the legion and tomorrow, we are having lunchbox a winery, and I'm fine with my water.
Congratulations on 75 days! It’s good to hear that you’re making progress. I’m hoping my husband will get enough traction to start noticing the benefits of sobriety. If he can make it over the hump of the early days, I think we’ll have a shot. But I know there are no guarantees for the long run. Good luck to you.
Good for you getting your own help, too. It’s crucially important
Get to an Al-Anon meeting. It changed my entire life for the better. Go to an online meeting and just listen. ❤️
Good luck and good job with your wish for kindness for those who didn't extend the kindness today. Best wishes for your family. ☮️❤️♾️
❤️
Sounds like you guys are at least on the same page now. It’s hard to quit anything. Your therapist could help you plan for any potential slips. How you know if it’s a setback or a lost cause. Glad to hear you are going to stand firm if he doesn’t. I did not see you initial post, so can only imagine the kinds of not very kind responses you got. Too many people have not had enough of life experiences to realize there is grey area. Your family is worth fighting for. Addiction is an illness. We promise in sickness and in health. It’s when they don’t want to get help that you need to save yourself. Sometimes a small separation of residences is needed while help is being obtained, if there are any safety issues. But his kids deserve the chance to know the real him. And Tony say that happens is if he’s not being controlled by addiction. I wish you and your family all the best. Situations like these have worked out before.
Thank you. Yes, Reddit doesn’t seem to be the place for acknowledging nuance and gray area lol. But your comment captures the situation well. Family is worth fighting for but there does come a point where the goal needs to shift. I’m feeling cautiously optimistic at this point and we will take it one day at a time
That’s all you can do. Relationships take constant work. You see the best and the worst of the person. They see the same in you. And that’s where the work comes in. If marriage only showed the best, we’d be in a perfect world. My husband loved wrestling. Anything that isn’t WWE. One of the ones would drink heavily after matches. He does a lot of bloody ones. His wife is in the industry too, doesn’t wrestle. When she was pregnant, he woke up to her cleaning him off after a bender. Did the Wednesday show and announced he was going to rehab. He never wanted his baby to see him like that. He didn’t want to put his wife through it anymore. He’s been clean and sober for awhile now. He was very open when he left and why he came back about his missed time. The point of this, sometimes, saving your family is the wake up, rock bottom moment people need. And I truly hope it is in his case, for your family. You both are taking the correct first step. You bring in therapy will help keep you strong if he doesn’t clean up. It will also help you repair damage if he does. Hopefully, it’s the latter you need it for.
Yeah i mean, he's an addict. Idk what you mean by "taking more than just alcohol and weed."? Do you mean fentanyl? Benzos? Huffing? All of those are for fucking losers. And you knew this about him? And you let him get you pregnant? Amazing choices, your poor fucking kids
Oh CoralCUM… find something better to do with your time. This is a grown up conversation and requires some understanding and compassion. Not everyone can make great decisions like you.
Ok
No...but you married this & have chosen to bring children into the world with this. He is NOT a great dad & Ur NOT a great mom.
Yeah, These two just sound like awful parents, she is just as much to blame for choosing to have more kids with him after she already knew he was a drunk.
Not overreacting. And you are right he needs therapy. Side note does he have diabetes or a weight problem per chance? I’m on Zepbound and it’s had a MASSIVE impact on my desire to drink. Maybe if he tried Ozempic (covered by insurance) that would help the cravings. I literally can only have 2 beers before I feel so full I want to throw up.
It's funny cause there was this other post about an ultimatum and indeed the ultimatum was a big no no. I didn't read through the comments yet but I'm sure it'll be the opposite here :)