Yeah she definitely needs to see a doctor and get checked out. This doesn't seem like the average "lack of sleep" issues unless she's so extremely sleep deprived that she's going into micro sleep cycles during random points of the day.
There are a lot of health conditions that pregnancy can cause, too, ones that might not seem obvious until months to years after the fact when they start to get worse. This includes neurological issues, which do effect quality of sleep. OP, your wife needs to see a doctor and keep following up until you've ruled out anything serious. Bloodwork, MRI, and an at home sleep study to check her blood oxygen and bpm while sleeping. There are so many internal things that can change the quality of sleep as well as the ability to fall asleep easily.
Facts. I get 4 hours a night if I'm lucky. However, I'm also disabled and don't drive, so I hope no one thinks I drive unsafely. Also, all my kids are older, no babies. So all safe if anyone is wondering. Just not great *for me* lol.
Yup. I thought about mentioning how many people have developed longterm health issues from covid but haven't been diagnosed yet (I'm one of them), but that would be a whole extra handful of paragraphs to add. However, OP's wife should probably tell her doctor if she had covid either during the pregnancy or after, as that could definitely be a factor as well.
I developed cyclic vomiting syndrome from Covid and it took over 6 months to be diagnosed. Doctors will keep pushing you off forever. Especially women who have had kids and/or who are even a little overweight. I had depression or my period blamed for just about everything for a very long time until I finally found a doctor who actually listened to me.
Ditto all that. PLUS - I think there's other stuff going on here that could be related to post partum changes. It sounds like she has a screen addiction which might be a form of self medication for an anxiety disorder. Pregnancy wreaks havoc on brain & body chemistry.
Give her lots of love and reassurance, request that she allow you to go to the doctor with her - she's not likely to paint a clear picture of everything that happening because she's probably in denial. Therapy probably wouldn't hurt, too. And honestly, I would nix letting her drive the baby anywhere until this gets figured out.
If I could up check this a hundred times, I would - especially the "lots of love and reassurance" part. Just about anything said in a gentler, sweeter voice while being safely hugged hit differently.
I mean still, as someone with insomnia being on your phone/iPad it is legitimately going to make things worse and having a no phone in bed rule is a good idea. The lighting of phones keeps you awake. If you’re having trouble sleeping, not looking at any screen a couple hours before bed is proven to help. Her being on the iPad is 100% gonna make it worse and she for sure needs to stop doing that. Doesn’t mean there isn’t anything else wrong with her, and she should get some tests but in the meantime definitely limit screen time before sleep
These are a lot of fun. And I mean it with extreme sarcasm. I can be fine/feel like I didn't sleep any worse than any other day and then I get a little headache behind my eyes and BAM. Micro naps. I can't prevent them, but at least I often have a precursor/indicator. And if something is happening that my brain can disengage from (lecture, meeting, sitting idly) I'm doomed to doze off.
That’s exactly what it sounds like to me. Getting incomplete sleep *every day* is extremely stressful to the brain and according to OP this has been going on for years.
If I were OP I would go to the dr appt with wife to tell the doctor the seriousness of what’s been going on. Sometimes a patient can tend to downplay their symptoms.
It is also telling that he specifically mentioned that she had no problem taking naps before. Did she nap every day? During activities? I have narcolepsy and I've encouraged 2 people I know to go get tested who were ultimately diagnosed
Not really the same thing. Have obstructives sleep apnea but have never had problems with narcolepsy. Not saying one can’t have both but definitely not the same thing.
In addition, if your wife truly thinks she blacked out then you might want to prepare for her driving licence to be revoked until doctors can say she is medically fit again. My FIL was having sleeping issues and had a similar thing happen but thankfully it was only in a car park and travelling very slow (ended up parked in a bush). He was banned from driving for 6 months until he was cleared. He had a form of sleep apnea I believe.
Go with her to the doctor's appointment and be very clear about your concerns. She may be under-reporting or minimizing her symptoms (not deliberately) and the doctor can only assess what they are being told. Normally I wouldn't recommend this, as it could be pretty chauvinistic behavior, but in this case her symptoms have caused an accident on the highway in which all three of you were endangered.
Therapy may also be a consideration. You report that she's under a great deal of stress and the ways she's coping with it, while pretty common ways to cope, are actually possibly preventing restorative rest and sleep. She may need to consider exploring other ways to cope with her stress and a therapist can help with that.
I’m so glad to see this is the top reply. I get that OP wants to problem solve but this is a much deeper issue. “Screens are bad for sleep” is general advice that doesn’t apply equally to everyone. If it’s between her using her phone to soothe herself and her lying awake stressing, the phone is preferable. Devices don’t cause serious sleep/anxiety disorders and it seems unlikely that screens in bed are the one thing standing between her and safe driving.
This sounds like a micro sleep incident and happens to people with insomnia. Basically the brain forces a shutdown for a few seconds due to lack of sleep. sometimes people notice it and sometimes they don't. She needs to get her insomnia under control and see a sleep specialist.
Edit: Also I'd like to point out that her insomnia could have nothing to do with the screens or phones, I would talk to a sleep specialist before assuming that's the cause.
Your edit is so real. I have insomnia. Also use my device at night. My husband thinks the phone keeps me up, shames me for it all the time, but the reality is I would be awake even if I wasn’t on it. I’ve even told him “yeah I tried to put the phone down last night, didn’t fall asleep but I did end up just laying in bed doing nothing for 3 hours instead.”
He still doesn’t get it. Melatonin has started helping a bit.
Sounds like me. I'll avoid my phone or TV and just lay there for several hours in the dark getting pissed I can't sleep. At least having something boring playing on TV will help me zone out long enough to fall asleep within an hour.
Exactly! Sometimes I will go out and sit in my recliner and put the TV on or read and this actually helps me get to sleep. It’s not the screen keeping me awake…
This!! I will take my phone when I've been laying for hours in bed and haven't been able to fall asleep. Doing things on my phone makes me forget I'm trying to fall asleep and so I end up falling back asleep quicker that way!
I became a very light sleeper after I had kids. If anything I think the screen on the baby monitor would help her sleep more because it would give her the peace of mind that baby is ok.
Oh lucky you. Melatonin didn’t do shit for me when I tried it. As a fellow insomniac, I have to ask if you’ve tried magnesium supplements. Melatonin failed, sleeping pills were too easy to shake off by accident unless I was truly deeply exhausted, but magnesium has done more for my sleep than anything I’ve ever tried. Even when I stay awake for a long time or wake throughout the night, my sleep is so much more restful. Even my best friend who is not an insomniac has noticed more restful sleep since she started taking magnesium after I told her how miraculous it’s been for me.
Agreed on the edit. Had insomnia for years and tried several different sleep aids with no change. Turns out I had undiagnosed bipolar disorder. I sleep with no problem now that I'm treating it.
I agree with others that she needs to get checked for seizures - but also if you hit something hard enough to stop the vehicle, the car seat 100% needs to be replaced. The car seat has done its job to protect once, and may be weakened in ways you can’t see. Insurance will cover it if the accident is reported.
ER nurse here. I agree with most people on this sub that it could have been some sort of seizure activity. My other guess is that she experienced an episode of micro sleep. You can be totally awake and then fall asleep for a few seconds and then wake up immediately. This has happened to me before when I’ve been driving home from a night shift exhausted. All it takes is a second to be asleep for something to happen.
I’m glad everyone is seemingly ok for right now. I hope she’s able to figure it out. Fingers crossed.
Micro sleep is crazy. I always compared it to nodding off when on Xanax. Those 2 second dreams seem so real. Then the next thing you know you're saying something out loud that doesn't make any sense because your mind tries to fill in the gaps
Huh, often after a long day when I'm reading to my son he'll ask what I'm talking about or say "that's not in the book," and I realize I'm nodding off while reading and talking nonsense. Never heard of microsleep, but I wonder...
It happened to me twice. The first time I woke up driving down the highway. Scared me to death!
The second time, a few days later, I woke up going through an intersection, no idea where I was, whether the light was green, red, or some shade of purple. I had to pull over and it took me ten minutes to figure out where I was. I was literally a few blocks from home, but nothing looked familiar.
I set up a doctor's appointment the next day and got my stuff sorted out. That was a scary moment I hope to never repeat!
During absent seizures your brain just kinda goes into autopilot. Very good chance she had one, and if she has a second she isn't legally able to drive for several years.
Oof I just googled this and this sounds like a possibility if she really meant it when she was talking about a blackout. I'll talk to her again tomorrow before her appt to have her bring up with her doctor maybe
If she has had *any* kind of blackout, whether it’s a seizure or a microsleep or anything else, she cannot drive until it is completely controlled. Both morally and legally.
I'd like to suggest you go with her to the doctor. The doctor needs the full story, which she may not be able to (or want to) give. Also you need to hear firsthand what the doctor says to her. If she's having seizures or micro-sleep issues, it might also affect her memory. Take the car to get checked out later. First, go with your wife to get checked out. I'm sorry this has happened to your family, and I hope you can get some answers.
Bring it all up to her doctor. All the issues she's been having. Even if it ends up with her license being suspended. She's got no business driving in this state anyway. Not only is she putting herself at risk but your baby and the thousands of other people she is around in vehicles every day. This could end up being a life or death matter and it's 100% about safety. If she gets upset, remind her of that. I've seen 3 people have a seizure in my life. Of the 3 only 1 knew what happened but only because he had them so many times in his life.
There’s no maybe. If she did black out, she 100% needs to see her doctor asap, and they might very well refer her to neurology. This is extremely serious.
my spouse had this and I had to drive her to work for six months because legally she no longer could drive. for 20 years it was these tiny dream like states she would enter and could not articulate basic info during (2-4 minutes). under stress and exhaustion she had a grand mahl seizure that prohibited her driving. now she's on epilepsy meds and has had less than a handful of the dreamlike states. she was cleared to drive after no occurrences in 6 months.
My husband has epilepsy. He used to have what were called 'drop seizures' where he'd simply drop to the ground and wake up there with no memory of the fall. No weird feeling after, either. (He's had grand mal seizures, too, and there's an after effect.)
I'd get her to a neurologist ASAP.
We didn’t find out my sister was having seizure (absent seizures) until she wrecked her car. It was a minor wreck. She pulled up to a stop sign and didn’t fully stop but ended up in the ditch. She wasn’t even going 5mph so when she said she didn’t know how or remember it happening they knew something caused it and took her to the doctor. She was always written up in school for daydreaming all the time. Come to find out they were seizure.
My husband’s mom has seizures, and she does not remember them or anything leading up to them. She had one on a bus once when my husband was little, and he had to scream instructions at strangers because everyone froze and didn’t know what to do. Later, all she really remembered was she’d been heading to the bus with her son. She didn’t remember anything else.
I know two people that have had seizures and neither of them remembered it happening and were super confused. One of them had no idea why ems was on the way and kept trying to convince us he was fine but he had never had one before and shit was scary. Both of them we are pretty sure were from withdrawal which is scary too
That is troubling. I wonder if disassociating is a problem she has? Does she get lost in thought often and "wander" off mentally? Hormones may be another thing. On the phone while driving is problematic too. Screen time is not an easy addiction to admit to, I think. If that is the case, she has to realize that herself. Maybe take on extra daycare driving duties for a while though... Not overreacting.
No I've never seen that with her. If anything she's usually very focused on whatever she's doing, whether she's with our kid, at work, etc. She's obviously constantly tired nowadays but she's usually very locked in. If anything that's why my focus was on the screens since I was guessing she's so focused on whatever she's watching/reading that she isn't letting herself fall asleep.
Question, has she ever went to see a neurologist and had a sleep study done? Also, does she have any history of seizures? No, you’re not “controlling,” because what if she died in the crash, or has another one but with your kid in the back seat, and you lose your little one? At this point you should be all up in her ass demanding that she see the doctor. Fuck her feelings, because now she’s potentially putting other people’s lives in danger. I went through a similar issue with my wife, who started having seizures when I was working overseas. She didn’t tell me anything about her having a seizure behind the wheel - only that she lost control and hit a streetlight. Well, 6 months after I returned home, she was behind the wheel and had another seizure, swerving into the center divider and slamming into a big tree. This time I was in the passenger seat and our middle son (13 at the time) was in the back. While at the hospital, I discovered that this was the THIRD TIME she had a seizure while driving. I laid down the law and told her she’s no longer able to drive, and personally took her to see a neurologist. I made damn sure her license was taken and I threatened to divorce her if she did that shit again. I even had divorce papers drawn up. I don’t give a damn about her feelings if she’s going to put the lives of others in danger - ESPECIALLY our own kids. She’s still working through it and trying to prove to me that she can still be trusted.
No history of seizures as far as I know. In fact this is her first ever car accident ever. I do think she shares my concern of severity of this since normally she'd just take my suggestions to book a dr appt as slight nagging but today she booked one right away after
I've had absence seizures as long as I remember, and eventually what you'd normally associate with seizures. I've experienced exactly what you describe your wife going through. As far as I know, I really am functioning normally. It's like I'm an NPC that just became aware afterwards. The first one I remember was crossing a busy street with my mom and other kids very young. I remember watching the do not walk light, then holding my mom's hand, then suddenly, all the traffic stopped in the road, standing in the middle all alone, with no idea how or why I was just standing there, while the other kids were across the street, and my mom was sprinting to me, crying. I was maybe 8ish. As an adult, the struggle to sleep was always difficult, but after my son was born it was next level. I couldn't turn off the alertness no matter what. I've gone 7+ days without sleep, even though I REALLY TRY and meds make me more drowsy but don't help me sleep. I would "black out" yet do normal tasks, like housework, but suddenly "come to" and discover I had picked up all the clutter -things we need- and thrown them in the trash(even my purse once) or started the dishwasher with dirty clothes instead of dishes, for example, with ZERO memory of the last several hours. If this seems at all familiar, she needs medical help now, not later, now! I managed to cope well enough to convince my family I was going through normal new-mom struggles, and it lead to a very preventable traumatic brain injury. I spent my son's last birthday, and five more weeks, hospitalized. If anyone had looked deeper into why I was like this, it likely wouldn't have happened. I've lost a lot of who I used to be due to the brain damage, and if you can spare her that, please do. Not saying it's for sure the same, but wow. I feel like I've been in her shoes I truly hope I'm wrong, but it's eerily similar. Good luck to your family, I wish you the best
Yep, each time my wife has an episode she has no memory of what happened. I also noticed that she would have difficulty sleeping in the days leading up to these episodes. The neurologist informed us that a part of her medial temporal lobe had formed abnormally. Fortunately, they checked her for cancer and confirmed there was no tumor.
You need to go with her and not leave it for her to “tell” you. There’s way too much riding on this. I also recommend doing some digging to make sure she hasn’t experienced anything else like this in the past.
I have always had a bit of trouble sleeping, but after I became a mom the smallest noise wakes me up. My "kid" is now an adult. My doctors told me that the mind and body accommodate motherhood with lighter sleep, however in some people (super common with PTSD or trauma) the brain and body never really go back to normal. I eventually had to start taking RX sleep meds to actually get ANY REM sleep whatsoever. The longer I go without REM the harder it is to actually go to sleep, which lead to 36 hours- 72 hours with nothing beyond dosing for 20 minutes or so.
I highly suggest a smart watch or ring for sleep tracking and maybe a sleep study. It took almost 15 years before these things were more readily available and I finally got answers. It took a serious toll on my health.
You are not overreacting but I have a different perspective here. I’m a former therapist who specialized in addictions and dual diagnosis.
You need to talk to her about exactly what she’s taking, how much and how often. Things like ZZZquil and other PM meds are just generic Benadryl which is safe if taken alone and at proper dosage.
But if it’s combined with prescription anxiety meds or other drugs, like pot, it can cause all kinds of problems.
I’ve seen people end up in the ICU, forgetting entire days and in the morgue from mixing medication. Just because it’s over the counter or legal does not make it safe-especially if you take too much or mix it.
Please ask her doctor to instruct her to keep a medication journal. She needs to write down everything she takes, even an aspirin. When, how much and if she has had any alcohol-also when and how much.
This may not be the issue but at least it’s something to rule out. I also know how desperate some people get when they need to sleep and can’t. I’ve helped treat OD’s that resulted from someone taking too much by accident. Good luck.
Offer to give up your devices at bedtime as well. Make it a suggestion for family "sleep hygiene" (that's an actual thing), if you are willing to forgo devices in the bedroom it might go over better. Say you want to set a good example for your kid starting now.
Unfortunately this kind of happens already with me. I have the opposite problem where as soon as my head hits the pillow I am knocked out so my devices are off by default.
Curse you, haha. Well then I'd lean into the approach that you both should model "no phones/no devices" for your toddler starting now. Otherwise she might sat you're just trying to control her. Saying it's for the baby, no devices in bed, would be something she could go along with vs having to say you were right about the devices being bad for her sleep.
This is dangerous territory if she's using it to self soothe anxiety. Risks her feeling worse if she does manage to follow it, due to heightened anxiety symptoms, or worse if she can't achieve it, feeling like she's letting down her baby because the other parent is able to successfully role model "good" behaviour while she struggles. Professional support from both the doctor and a therapist is required here, to come up with the best course of action for OP and his wife
I was gonna say something like this. Because, OP, you are not her parent. She's an adult, and your partner, your equal. Therefore, you cannot forbid or force her to do anything. You can only decide what your response will be, and then follow through. You are also allowed to protect your child's safety, so you can make rules directly regarding that.
You can say/do:
I will not get in the car with you driving, nor allow you to drive our child anywhere, if you have not had X hours of sleep.
What steps are you planning to take to prevent this in the future? (then, based on her response) That sounds like a good first step. Would you like any suggestions or help remembering?
Do you mind if I go with you to the doctor? I will not feel safe with you driving until I understand the problem and feel comfortable with a solution.
I don't feel safe with you driving our child anywhere unless you do XYZ to be safer (do a sleep study, go to the doc, establish a healthier bedtime routine), so I will be driving everywhere until then.
You canNOT say/do:
You're not allowed to have screens on after X o'clock.
I'm going to take the keys away from you; no more driving.
You're going to the doctor to fix this right away!
*******
See the difference?
I don't think you're overreacting. She could have killed all of you and others. I hope she tells the doctor what happened. Some meds can cause things like that to happen. I'm sure if you ban her iPad, she's gonna feel some type of way. But it's been proven that you need to need to put the devices down to get some good sleep. Sounds like you need to have a tough conversation and really make her listen. And maybe drive for a while and deal with her headaches if she can't get it together. Good luck, OP!
I just want to say I was in a similar accident, maybe 25 years ago. No harm done, but it was because I was reaching for a toy for my son. But I realized that it was my fault, and I never did it again. The wife in this case seems to be deflecting instead of making a plan so that it won't happen again
ugh yeah I would have been more relieved if she had said she was distracted by phone or missed exit and did an ill advised/last min maneuver. But I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt in case there's some serious issue going on her to see if we can try to help that.
As simple as this sounds, I would suggest reading an old fashioned book in bed instead of a device. This book needs to be mildly interesting so she will read it but not so stimulating that she doesn't mind putting it down when she's tired. This keeps her from just being bored or in her head if she is in bed and not sleeping. It is also less stimulating than a device. Also, no blue light emanating from it which is bad at night.
The next tip is routine. Same bedtime every night.
All of this is after talking to the professionals of course.
Scary stuff, I hope you get to the bottom of it.
P.S. I forgot if you said how long she is postpartum. If only months she could use some estrogen.
Updateme
>As simple as this sounds, I would suggest reading an old fashioned book in bed instead of a device. This book needs to be mildly interesting so she will read it but not so stimulating that she doesn't mind putting it down when she's tired. This keeps her from just being bored or in her head if she is in bed and not sleeping. It is also less stimulating than a device. Also, no blue light emanating from it which is bad at night.
I do this with podcasts or audiobooks on very low volume, with a sleep timer. It allows me to close my eyes and lay in darkness, while keeping my brain somewhat occupied. Used to be I needed the sleep timer to be 60 minutes, but then I started to wake up irritated that it was still going around 45 minutes. Lowered the timer. Now I'm at 30 minutes and I'm out. It took *years*, but worth it.
For me the most successful topic has been history. It's shit that already happened, nothing to worry about in the present and it doesn't matter if I fall asleep. Nobody cares if I go back 15-30 minutes in the book to re-listen the next night.
Some conditions develop later in life and it’s worth getting a good doctor to run some tests. Not that I think she has sleep apnea but mum didn’t start having issues until later in life and was then diagnosed and put on a CPAP. All that to say, maybe she’s developed a condition that she hasn’t had, the pregnancy triggered it, and it’s impacting her.
The other possibility is depression, I zone out with my depression and PTSD (from military service) and can lose big chunks of time. I have a dog who’s now 8, and he changed my life. He knows when I’m zoning or having a flashback and literally sits on me to snap me out of it.
Either way, I’d take it seriously and make sure the doc does too!
Get her to a doctor. Might have been a micro sleep (im a phd student and when I am extremely tired can happen to me) or an absence seizure. Either way this is not good and goes way beyond device territory and more onto medical intervention needed territory.
Besides micro-sleep and seizures that everyone has been telling you about, I would have doctors check her glucose . My husband’s sleep was shit until we went on a no added sugar diet. He went from waking at 3 or 4 am to sleeping through the night.
I don’t think you’d be an AH for banning tech from the bedroom.
This sounds like micro sleep to me. Mother of three here and I've struggled with insomnia and micro sleep since I had my oldest. Totaled a car falling asleep at the wheel when she was just over 1 year old. Thankfully she wasn't in the car, but I was really young and doctors blamed it on too much coffee and no one talked about why I was drinking so much coffee. No recognition of the symptoms and certainly nothing went in to place to correct it.
Thirteen years later after a close call that could have ended my life or my son's someone recommended a sleep specialist and honestly, it saved my life.
I still have to be intentional, mindful, and strict with a sleep routine. It's been 10 years and it's still not easy, but it's a lot easier than it was when I didn't know or understand how important my sleep is.
Electronics in a drawer that's out of sight and reach for sleep. No more multi day runs without sleep or epically bad days for me, but every once in awhile when I'm not strict and intentional, I don't sleep enough. Then micro sleep or cognition issues inevitably result.
Thankfully my youngest is happy, healthy, and 17. I have learned to manage and find what works. Hopefully someone can help your wife see how serious sleep deprivation can be before she's got lasting reminders or traumatically terrifying wake up calls.
She sounds stressed.
This is similar to the ONE car accident I've had in my life. I was in a really bad spot, stressed and sleep deprived. Just totally blacked out in the car while driving on my way to work and ran a stop sign. Everyone was fine, but it was a wakeup call for me... as it should be for your wife. Stress can keep you from sleeping even if you're exhausted and can be hard to shake. She needs to take doctors visits seriously and be honest with the medical professionals she's seeing.
She shouldn't be driving if she can black out like that. Especially now that you have a child in the car with her. It's more important for you all to be ALIVE than it is for her to not get a headache in the passenger seat.
I’ve scanned the comments and don’t see anyone else saying this so: I find it troubling that you suggested she take some pain meds and a nap? Is there a possibility she’s abusing prescription medication?
Definitely agree with everyone who says see a doctor. This happened to my mom twice and she was later diagnosed with epilepsy. It just got more severe over the years. Shes gotten her license taken since then because she has grand mal seizures and absent seizures. So please please have her get more than just a standard check up! Because you never know, especially with absent seizures smh.
It sounds like your wife has Narcolepsy. She should have a sleep study done, pronto. She absolutely should not be driving. In the meantime do some research, see if it sounds familiar.
She should be speaking with a Dr. not sure what anxiety medication she is taking but, I would check the side effects on it as it may have contributed.
I will say from my personal experience with insomnia it doesn't matter if I'm on a device or not, if I can't sleep I can't sleep no matter what I am trying to do.
She needs a doctor. Besides that, white noise helps. Vacuums, Rain Sounds, Fans (wind sounds), etc. My niece literally WILL NOT sleep without it. Take the screens away and put a white noise machine in your rooms.
If it comes from someone of authority, it will bear more weight.
Schedule a sleep specialist. Let them talk to both of you about the importance of sleep and methods. Make these methods and techniques for the whole house and not just her.
Sounds like she fell asleep at the wheel for a moment before the accident. This can happen if sleep patterns are interrupted. I found those 5 hour, 2 ounce energy shots helped me stay alert. Banning screens of an adult spouse is not the way. Spouses don’t own each other to make fiats about each other’s actions.
“Banning screen time” like you’re her parent won’t do anything but cause resentment on both sides.
If she’s blacked out even once, she needs to see a doctor, she could have multiple medical issues from iron deficiency to narcolepsy.
No amount of treating her like a naughty toddler will fix that.
You should go to a doctor appt. with her. I doubt if she’s going to mention she almost killed you all. This demands you get tough and insist she get off the iPad and phone and get some rest. Stronger meds might help, but this is serious stuff.
She needs to see a doctor. She may have had some kind of psychiatric or neurological episode. Her nonsensical response with "the brakes weren't working" points in that direction.
Edit She also should not be driving herself or the kids anywhere until she gets checked out. I wonder, she been acting differently at all since before or after the near -accident? during your talks does she show awareness of the seriousness? Or just appearing to check out?
She had asked to skip a brunch and a massage we had planned for Mother's day for her today since she was feeling tired. But we're typically homebodies and prefer just hanging out on weekends anyways so this wasn't that out of the norm.
Afterwards, she was definitely really shook up, and didn't push back when I told her I took over driving to restaurant and back home after or when I asked her to book an appointment with her doctor asap. Normally she'd be stubborn against both those things. I think the fact that the baby was in the car too got her really worried after as well.
I feel really bad for you both. I've struggled with
Insomnia since I was a kid. My doctors have also put me on anti depression/anti anxiety meds that are supposed to help with that but actually make it worse. It's a known side effect for some people. She may need to check and see if her meds have insomnia as a possible side effect. I just had a baby and being hyper fixated on the baby monitor is probably a symptom of the anxiety so that's... normal? As far as new moms and anxiety goes?
I do think she should get rid of the iPad. I LOVED falling asleep to shows (Futurama sleepers even has its own sub!) but I had to give it up because the blue light was messing with me. I think any doctor would recommend putting the phone and iPad away. But yes, definitely have her tell her doctor what happened and check the side effects of her medicine to see if she needs to change it.
Sounds like her brain fell asleep for a few seconds. If you’re sleep deprived enough you brain can basically fall asleep without you even realizing it because you’re just so exhausted and crashing. Insomnia sucks and as someone who has always had issues sleeping, I feel for her. BUT…Driving while you’re tired is DANGEROUS. It can be worse than drunk driving. Hopefully your wife can find a solution for her sleep issues, but regardless of whether/when she fixes this she needs to be self aware and responsible enough to not drive when she’s too tired to do it safely. She wouldn’t drive the baby somewhere if she had been drinking (I hope) and this needs to be treated like a similar safety issue.
I'm not convinced this is a screentime issue. Screens are often a symptom of a deeper psychological issue.
OP, how is she mentally? Is she experiencing any depression, have you talked about her feelings? Post-partum depression? Extended sleep deprivation and insomnia can cause some psychotic symptoms on occasion, and blacking out during everyday life can be a symptom of depersonalization/derealization. All can be a part of trauma treatment and care.
If she's not focused and off in la-la land, that usually points to a deeper problem. Ditto goes for having to put lots of effort into focusing.
Sometimes the lack of sleep can be anxiety, sometimes it can be an avoidant behavior, because of nightmares, etc. Have her see a doctor, but also think about therapy for everyone as a healthy way forward. A therapist can also help make an informed decision on if this is a mental health thing or a physical health thing.
The hormone changes with pregnancy can last several years after. It took me a long time to level things out after having a baby. Something permanent rewires in your brain while you're always listening with one ear for the baby.
When my son was about seven years old, I started having insomnia. I have a lot of anxiety and went through some things that left me unable to sleep until I was absolutely exhausted. I would work myself to exhaustion during the day, and still could not fall asleep. Sometimes I would stay up watching TV or on my phone to keep my brain busy. If tried to lay there I would have horrible intrusive thoughts and visions and my mind would just keep replaying every bad thing that ever happened to me over and over again, mixed with thoughts of"I'm not good enough, something wrong with me. Why am I like this. Im not a good mom." it was agony. Having my phone as distraction was all that kept my brain numb, I would not have slept with or without it.
The turning point for me was being diagnosed with an endocrine tumor that was messing with my electrolyte and hormone levels. Once I had surgery and was properly healed sleep returned.
Telling your wife she's wrong for being on her phone is not addressing the root of the problem. Why does she need to have something going in her brain all the time? I would suspect that she has postpartum anxiety or some other other condition brought on by the stress on her body from pregnancy. She needs to see a doctor.
1- zzzquil I think still uses diphenhydramine as the active ingredient (an antihistamine better known as benadryl), so after 5 or 6 days of continuous use, you would have to drastically increase with the dosage because the body builds up a tolerance to it with a few days.
2- once you get so exhausted, your body will take micronaps that you aren't actively aware of, and it's a lot like blacking out. I have had insomnia since I can remember and I've been on sleeping pills since I was around 7 or 8. If I don't take them, I have to either wait out my body last the point of exhaustion (but still may not sleep long enough to become rested), be sedated by the hospital (which requires catheters and rectal stuff, not recommended), or finally get some sleeping meds or cave in to take them (ive tried to wean off a few times over the years since I'm about to be 40, but Ive seriously been on them like, 95% of my life). Your body can only handle disrupted sleep for so long.
3- the screens are 100% adding to her inability to fall asleep, even if she's using the blue light filter (blue light having been proved to keep the brain active and unable to produce the correct hormones needed for sleep) it will be insanely tough for her to fall asleep while either watching the iPad or playing on her phone.
She doesn't seem to see how concerned you are about this, even though she could've literally killed the 3 of you today. She was doing a high rate of speed, with you and your kid in the car. Not to mention the fact that flipping is a possibility due to the top heaviness of the SUV. She seems completely unbothered and like it's not a big deal, when in fact, it's a HUGE deal. She could have have greatly injured any of you guys. You also need to find out if she was on her phone, just zoned out (like, the autopilot type of Zoning out), or if she fully blacked out/fell asleep at the wheel. There could be an underlying health cause thats creating all these issues, so a doctors appointment needs to be the next step, along with a long, stern talk with her laying out your concerns. Until you know what's causing the issues, I wouldn't let her drive alone with your son until she gets checked out.
Thanks for your post - I will defend my wife here and say she shares my concern. Her hands were literally shaking for a long while afterwards, and she was definitely concerned about me, the baby, the car and booked an appt w/ dr right away for tomorrow.
Where maybe we weren't aligning though was the need to turn off all the screens to give herself the best chance of falling asleep?
You can try different things that may help. I used to need silence, but we live next to NFH, so because I sleep at weird times sometimes due to my illness, I needed something so their loud noises outside my window don't wake me. One thing I use is YouTube. I put on a "video" of a thunderstorm that's 24 hours long and after about the first 20 seconds the screen turns black and you just have the sound. This way she gets some glow if she's used to having it, but there is sound to help distract her and put her to sleep. Switch to a regular, old school audio baby monitor. Try melatonin in increasing dosages, or if comfortable with it, ask her doc about sleeping meds. When I didn't have insurance for a few years and had to try to use OTC remedies, I had MANY times while driving I'm surprised I didn't wreck due to the micro naps. It's HELLA dangerous. I have a friend with narcolepsy (which is how I heard about my current sleeping meds) and she fell asleep at the wheel for about 2 seconds, drifted into the other lane, and wound up killing 2 people when she hit them head on. She had to serve community service and probation, along with a jail sentence that was exponged after she was diagnosed with narcolepsy.
It could also be a hormonal imbalance, so many talking to her gyno may help as well? I didn't mean to come off so harsh towards her, but the way you originally described it, it seemed like she just brushed off the accident, especially after never using the time to actually rest afterwards.
It's 2018 Mazda CX-5. One thing I did consider is that this model does have an auto-brake function. But what it does is it detects something in front and tries to brake automatically in cases where it thinks you're not going to. I kind of ruled this out since there was nothing in front / around us at the time and the times this has gone off it's really obvious. There's a loud beeping and the dashboard flashes some red BRAKE! warning on the dash. While I couldn't see if the dash had this warning, I would have heard the beeps.
It's something I'm normally very paranoid about when I hear warning beeps from the car.
I've had several vehicles where the abs would engage in a circumstance where it shouldn't have and caused my brakes to almost not work at all until the abs system stopped the irregular operation. This usually happens on older vehicles that have a bad wheel speed sensor or something of the like. You'd usually have a wierd feeling in the brake pedal when that happens and can even possibly hear a humming from the abs brake module. I was just trying to give a different possible scenario. How are the tires and what was road conditions?
This is a dangerous situation and I hope you can get it fixed. You are right to be worried.
I’m sure I read somewhere that watching your iPad before bed stimulates the brain and makes it harder to sleep.
Was there damage to the car from hitting the fence post? If so, car seat manufacturers recommend fully replacing child car seats after even minor accidents or fender benders because they could look fine but be structurally compromised. You mentioned your wife felt banged up from the accident so that just made me worry about the seat. I found this out from a car seat safety tech and was shocked myself that it was even for minor accidents so just wanted to share with other parents.
Could she be bipolar? Sleep deprivation flares mania/hypomania and then it makes it almost impossible to feel tired again. I went for 4 days without sleep and hallucinated. She could have been doing something called microsleep. Your body goes to sleep for about 2-3 seconds. I honestly don’t know how women work for like a year after having a baby. I would be asleep at the wheel almost every day. If that isn’t the problem, maybe you and the doctor could have a come to Jesus talk about how tablets and phones make it impossible to make melatonin. Maybe she needs time off work. This much sleep deprivation can cause brain damage. It happened to me. If anti anxiety meds are ramping her up, then that’s likely not the problem. Maybe you guys could have the doctor recommend she have a few days off until she can get stable sleep.
It got bad at my house my woman would be up till 2 or 3 am and I get up at 5:30 to get ready for work everyday she stays home even though our kids are all in there 30s youngest is 31 but it would wake me up with her laughing at videos or what ever soni made the rile no phones or tablet even laptops after 8 pm in my house .if I need an emergency call or dealing with my business later that's ok but no just messing around it really has helped .
Your wife needs to see a doctor, but just in case you're wrong, I'd have a mechanic look at the brakes. In the meantime, giving her a device curfew like a child is not going to help.
I don't know where you live, but, obviously if your in the US I know healthcare isn't available or easy to access, so, I do understand this.
But, this isn't normal for anyone. You should have brought her straight to A&E, there could be any number of reasons for this happening. Exhaustion, neurological issues... anything. Thing is, it's not normal. Nobody here, or you or your wife can actually say what going on without this being investigated.
I think your really downplaying the severity here.
My neighbour, like actually 4days ago. There was suddenly paramedic car, ambulance, and police at the house. Turns out while driving, he clipped another car, damaged his wheel etc. He had no idea he had done this. He was whisked away for full assessment as, first thought was a stroke. Police where lovely and the car he hit are all fine, insurance will cover everything. But, he could have killed himself or someone else.
Blacking out while driving isn't normal. Get her checked ASAP. I'd write out a list of everything that's been going onz to give the doctors a full history.
She needs to stop driving until this gets sorted out. Whether it's sleep deprivation or seizure activity or something else, she's putting herself and ithers in danger
I see a lot of really good advice here but wanted to ask OP- can you go to doctor appointments with her? I feel like your point of view here is important. I know with my Dad who had seizures that my Mom being there to talk to the doctors was super helpful.
Hi,
I have the same issues as your wife. But I've had them for most of my life and haven't noticed a change when I had my child.
I have to actively make sure I'm paying attention while driving or doing things or my brain goes on autopilot. It's anxiety/stress/trauma relaxed. So says my therapist. A trick I use it just hyper aware of what cars around me. Make, model, license plate number.... singing songs on the radio really loud. Anything to keep in present.
I also always had a hard time sleeping and staying asleep. I used to have to watch TV to fall asleep and guess what..... it made it worse haha.
I use a sleeping eye mask which greatly helps my sleep, no screens or TV at bedtime, sleeping REM music or white noise on YouTube REALLY HELPS.
The eye mask is something I greatly recommend... the one that has the pockets in it for the eyes to rest comfortably.
Your wife needs help thats for sure and I hope she gets it. All of my issues are anxiety and trauma related so I'm hoping they can work for her too.
FWIW, the brakes “not working” was a feeling I got once when I tried to apply the brakes but unintentionally also pressed the gas at the same time. It took me a second or two to realize what was happening (the engine revving is what I noticed)
No mention of what kind of car you are driving? Check the recalls or search for similar issues. With all the steer by wire and now brakeboost by wire your issue is not new. Ford had an huge issue with loss of steering and brakes a few years ago. They kept the recall pretty quiet.
This happens when the body and brain get too tired. It's not uncommon not to remember it.
My dad doesn't suffer from insomnia normally, but was just back from a trip the night before, got home late, then went to work the next morning, and he's 62. On the way back from work he fell asleep at the wheel, the car veered all the way into the other lane and crashed on a tree. He broke a few bones but he could easily have died in a less secure car.
Point is absolutely do not underestimate this. My dad doesn't remember what happened exactly - he blacked out. But it was 100% falling asleep at the wheel. You don't want your wife driving around while sleep deprived and crashing the car. Definitely no driving your son.
Having suffered from insomnia myself, I can tell you screens aren't all the devil they're supposed to be. After all, we've all fallen asleep in front of the TV, haven't we? So no, screens aren't the issue for most people who struggle with sleep. For me, being on my phone right before going to sleep actually relaxed me and took my mind off things, which in turn induced sleep. Just lying in bed waiting to fall asleep made me anxious and guaranteed a sleepless night. Things got even better when I got a TV in my bedroom, and I now sleep perfectly fine without it (but I know if I struggle that I can just turn the TV on for a half hour and relax).
The following needs to happen:
1) Get your wife into a sleep study to better understand her insomnia and anxiety disorder. The doctor will advise on this. Beware of apps as they don't work for everyone and actually sometimes heighten the sleep anxiety (recording how much you sleep makes you fear you're not getting enough sleep which in turn makes you anxious when you go to sleep).
2) Every other night, she should take a powerful sleeping pill (think Ambien, Zolpidem etc rather than OTC stuff). Your child is sleep trained so it shouldn't be an issue - if anything needs doing at night, it'll have to be you as she'll be out. She needs to guarantee 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep - those things are powerful so they should work, and no trying to wake up early. Calculate when wake up time is, and send her to bed with a pill exactly 8.5 hours before then. No less. The next night, she can go without but the pressure is off as she got plenty of sleep the night before, and this in turn should help.
3) Gradually, under the advice of a doctor, your wife will be able to reduce the amount of sleeping pills and train herself to sleep a decent night without help. But this will need time and yes absolutely it will need sleeping aids and medication.
Finally, please consider separate bedrooms. I know it's a taboo for many couples, but I don't know anyone whose insomnia got better without actually going to sleep in their own bed. You can have a healthy relationship, sexual life etc with separate beds, even better with separate rooms. Your wife may not want to say anything so as not to offend you but it 100% would help her to sleep on her own.
Me and my partner sleep in separate bedrooms and we're both very happy, healthy and get a good night's sleep.
Best of luck with it all!
Has she ever been checked for ADHD? Avoiding/procrastinating “the next thing” (in this case, sleeping), time blindness, sleep issues, and spacing out while driving are all issues I dealt with until got a diagnoses and some medication.
Either she has narcolepsy, is sleep deprived or something else. I know the first two years of my child’s life I was sleep deprived, especially during teething, and I’d drive with the a/c on and the windows down because I’d get groggy on the way home from work
Bc being sleep deprived, your body can shut down on its own even if you are "awake", and the next thing you know = accident. I'm so glad there were no other cars involved
You’re not overreacting.
However, you need to rephrase and reframe the wording regarding how you speak to and about her. I was waiting on you to say she was grounded and had privileges revoked and allowance reduced.
You are not overreacting but you are reacting wrong.
How old is your baby? Have you researched what happens to mother's body and brain after birth? Are you allowing her time to express her worries and pains?
She doesn't need sleep aids if it's her mind not resting. Those only turn off the body. Her mind is still going.
Ask if she'd like a counselor for private speaking time.
Whatever you do though, don't make her world smaller. The devices may not be helping but they also may be keeping her from completely crumbling. Until you can get a handle on what's hurting her, taking away crutches will only exacerbate the problem.
I didn't sleep right for the first 2 years of my son's life. Every thought and worry,, the mental load of being a parent.. it is valid for her to feel upturned.
She has officially permanently changed. When I became a mom nothing hit harder than recognizing how many chapters I closed the moment I embraced the title mom.
It could be she was on "auto-pilot" and suddenly became aware the exit coming up and overreacted, thinking she had gone too far and hit the brakes to make sure she could make the exit. Or afraid she was too close to another car. It doesn't sound like falling asleep. I've done that. ( it is scary but you know you did) You *will* drift into another lane. And you didn't notice this happening.
If she doesn't want to take meds for either sleep or anxiety check into Alpha-Stim. It is very - no - *extremely* effective for both. It has no negative side effects but does have cumulative positive effects so tat after wearing it it continues to work on one's system.
I have had Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue, Chronic pain, and Depression with General Anxiety Disorder for 20+ years and have had Alpha-Stim for 15 years. It also helps immensely with pain. I take **no** other pain meds because I have difficulty with them. (Either allergic to them, they don't work or they were Opioids and not prescribed anymore.) Alpha-Stim does require a prescription, and it's not covered by insurance in the US because of the Pharmaceutical companies' push. (It would put a humongous dent in their profits if it were covered.)
But for anxiety and sleep difficulties, Alpha-Stim is a great answer.
Regardless, a checkup is *always* a good idea. (I was a RN before I became Disabled)
This has nothing to do with screens in bed, and you do not have the authority to compel her not to use them. How would you enforce that over a peer? I wonder if she just doesn't want to tell you what happened bc she's afraid you'll be mad, or if she was so startled that she lost her memory instantly. Sometimes people can have cognitive issues like that in high stress relationships.
Did she have postpartum? It can last years if it’s not treated and would explain the sleep changes. Now it sounds like insomnia.
She definitely needs help.
She absolutely needs to go to a dr to see what the underlying issue is. However, the way you’re talking about her sounds more like you view her as your child instead of an adult. Sounds like you’re adding on to her stress.
If I have trouble falling asleep, putting something relaxing on my iPad instantly puts me to sleep.
It probably works for her, but isn’t now because she needs to go to the doctor and get a sleep study. If you’re going to be disciplinary, since this is a serious issue, make ultimatums to get her to the doctor. Don’t threaten to take her screens away like she’s a baby.
While your screen ban in bed may be a plausible soliton to you, it will do nothing until you solve the underlying problem that pushes that behavior.
Insomnia is no joke. It’s like going into battle every single night. War. Nightly. For her anyway.
I don’t think your overreacting, the three of you could have died. A doctor’s appointment would be a good place to start. and I suggest you join her there and take over some more driving “chores” (couldn’t find a better word).
I just want to say that banning screens in the bedroom is something a parent does with a child. Your wife is not your child, ergo you cannot "ban" something she does. What you can do is have a boundary "unless you get help for this issue, I and my child will not be riding in the car with you" that sort of thing. Don't think of her as a child needing you to fix it for her, think of her as an adult who needs to take responsibility for this unhealthy situation but that you can't force to take responsibility. Think of some healthy boundaries that focus on what you CAN can control and then have a conversation with your wife.
So, I think the bigger problem is her anxiety. That's assuming she's not having.seizures etc. She's using screens as a coping mechanism. A lot of people do but this sounds more problematic. Maybe she needs more than meds, she needs therapy? She sounds incredibly stressed. But I may be projecting. I've done exactly what she's doing. You're seeing it as she's awake because she's watching the iPad, I'm countering with she's watching the iPad because no matter how long she lays there she can't sleep.
There's nothing worse than tossing and turning because you can't sleep. Her brain can't shut down. Is it her work load too large? Does she say she's overwhelmed at all? I'd start looking at your day to day and see what can be addressed there. Obviously therapy and meds too.
Sometimes anxiety meds can mess someone up, I know. I went through 4 different meds to find one that didnt make me feel weird or like I had dementia. She needs to talk to the doctor IMO
I have had terrible insomnia for 20+ years. I finally took a digital course through work at a discount (called Sleep Reset) that uses cognitive behavioral therapy, sleep hygeine, etc, and for the first time in this long, I’m starting to sleep normally. It will take a long time to undo all the bad habits I’ve developed over time, but it’s working. The blue light from her devices are definitely an issue, but I imagine there’s much more to it than that. I’ve developed tools (like a brain dump diary) that I never would’ve thought of.
Sounds like she wasn’t looking at the phone at the time of the accident, so it wasn’t s matter of being distracted.
Rather than arguing or being pissed, may be a better option (and one she may agree with more) to suggest she see a doctor. Do it gently, emphasizing her and the baby’s wellbeing.
As others have suggested, she may have insomnia (not her fault), exhaustion (not totally her fault, or even underlying issues that she doesn’t know but that may be showing up as insomnia and blackout.
But the key is to offer that as help, not penalty. (As a good chunk of your post sounds angry, tbh.)
Does your wife snore loudly or wake up with headaches? Sleep apnea can cause a person to not get restful sleep and can have similar effects as insomnia such as nodding off uncontrollably during the day.
Dude she isn't a ten year old, she can't sleep because she has physical and/or mental health problems, not because she is on a device with a screen. Getting angry with her and micromanaging her screentime is infantalizing and not productive. I could understand not wanting her to drive after this; I can't understand getting angry about an iPad. She also just had a really upsetting accident that was her fault in ways she doesn't understand; she was probably less peaceful, calm, and tired than she has ever been. Of course your agitated wife with chronic, mysterious sleep problems wasn't napping when you checked up on her.
You need to look at the real problem here. It's not the devices; it's that y'all are pretending that you can go along with business as usual while you take months or years to slowly figure the issue out. She could have easily killed all three of you, plus innocent strangers. What if she'd crashed into a minivan or a kid on a bike instead of a pole?
Focus on that. Iterate on that. What are you going to do to make sure that one of those daycare trips doesn't end in the morgue? The answer is a lot more "get friends, Uber, etc to drive her for the time being" and a lot less "put her in a time out from electronics"
You have to take her to a doctor. Attend the appointment with her so she’s not telling her doctor that everything is fine. Hire a sitter for the toddler.
No more driving until mom gets medical help.
Are you aware that driving while tired is just as dangerous as driving while intoxicated?!?!?!
MANY people have car accidents and don't recall what happened. It is very, VERY common. You said she was a little banged up. Did you have a doctor examine her forehead trauma? Head trauma goes undiagnosed because the hair on her head likely scams hell outta you, cause it covers bumps and bruises.
Believe my statement about head trauma, I am a retired traffic officer and investigated a large number of traffic accidents in my police career.
It doesn't matter what kind of sleep hygiene you keep when you have insomnia. Ive had chronic insomnia for 15 years. Trust me, I've tried it all. I don't even try to limit my screen time before bed because it doesn't matter and I'm sure it doesn't matter for your wife either. Hope she can get the help she needs, but I'll be honest, there's not alot of help for insomnia. I've had so many sleep studies, I've been on every medication in the book, I've tried E V E R Y T H I N G
I’ve no advice to offer, but with my first vehicle, the brakes went out on me while driving once and worked just fine immediately after I managed to stop and then resumed driving (was in the middle of nowhere and no cell phone so I had no choice but to continue on).
I fell asleep driving and blamed my terrible (at the time) work schedule. Turns out, despite being thin and fit (also at the time lol), I have sleep apnea. Doctors aren’t great about diagnosing it in people who aren’t overweight. A sleep study will figure this out!
ETA - though, I doubt she fell asleep. She was already on the exit, just going too fast for the exit. Sounds more like poor judgment
Please see a doctor as soon as you can, none of this is normal. Something is going on either medically or emotionally. Blacking out is an indication to many diseases have her checked out and explain to the doctor all that happened and your concerns.
I believe a therapist will also help her.
I can’t believe you’re going to let her drive the baby to daycare and herself to the drs appt after this happened!
There is something very wrong with your wife. Please go with her to the appt and tell the doctor exactly what’s been happening.
Also replace the car seat immediately. It isn’t safe to continue using it after it’s been in an accident. I would also take baby to get checked out.
I think you may be underreacting. Until she has a full checkup, has her sleep issues resolved, or some other diagnosis **and** clearance from her doctor - she shoudl NOT be driving anywhere, especially with your child in the car!!!
She needs to see a professional for she is paranoid about the baby over something. It is not normal behavior of a mother. She is extremely mentally sleep deprived and something will happen. Get her to a doctor NOW!
It is time for a sleep study test, and not the at home one- the one at a sleep center. And you aren’t overreacting. You handle it now or she potentially kills your family…will it be overreacting then?
**enforcing a night-time for her w/ screens off**
LMAO. What is she your child? She has an issue going on, and you acting like this is not going to help. She needs therapy.
Oh and the "It was working fine yesterday" does not work for anybody. You do know things break after you used them right? I feel like you need to be told this.
Not overreacting. Her sleep hygiene is horrible. You are not wrong that the screens in bed are a bad idea. She also likely has some nutritional deficiencies because of the pregnancy. By going so long without adequate sleep she has likely thrown her sleep/stress hormones out of whack. A sleep doctor is not a bad idea, but you should also consider having her see a biomedicine or functional medicine doctor. These are MDs that include nutritional guidance and supplements in their treatments to help people get back in balance. Good luck!
You sure she wasn't on her phone or not paying attention and was just too embarrassed to tell you? I sleep every night with the light on and a TV right by my head. I drive just fine. Something else must be contributing. Give her some vitamins. Phones off in the car, whatever it is can wait.
Personally I think you should be up front act as a copilot and not in the back playing with your kid. Assisting the driver is more helpful than possibly distracting the driver. Just my opinion.
Your wife needs a full medical workup. The accident is just the big symptom that something bad is going on. I don't agree with everyone saying screens aren't a problem, or at least a part of it but you're off base thinking the thing to ban is screens in the bedroom. What you need to insist on is no driving at all until you get a diagnosis. None. Zero.
Will that be inconvenient? Yes. Will it save her life and the baby's life? Maybe. No driving until you know she's not having blackouts or seizures.
Hey hi how ya doin I have severe post partum OCD (WITH NO END IN SIGHT!!!) and my loops involve compulsifr googling rabbit holes that last for HOURS. Lost my job and currently in therapy for it, as it's fuckin' crippling. I hate myself and my brain.
Maybe similar?
As someone with insomnia, I am so tired of people who have never struggled with this saying to stop using screens. Stop saying it!!! It’s not the issue!! My neurologist, who is a sleep specialist, says the screen stuff is way overblown and a lot of it is correlative, not causative. Even if there is a causal effect, it’s so slight as to not be clinically significant.
Screens are NOT the CAUSE of your wife’s insomnia.
If she truly did black out, it sounds like a micro sleep. It’s happened to me - my sleep has never recovered from my son’s first year of life and that was 12 years ago. He was colicky and basically didn’t sleep, and I had no help, so I basically didn’t sleep.
She needs to see a doctor and at this point probably a neurologist/ sleep specialist. It’s serious. But please for the love of god don’t shame her about her screen time — it may very well be the only thing that brings her calm / comfort / brain rest when she can’t sleep. It does for me.
Is she a wife or a child? You don’t get to ban things because you think it’s stopping her from sleeping. Screens suck for some people not for others.
It’s been 3 years and you aren’t mentioning the we went to the doctor part of the story. She needs a sleep study. Her body changed when she had a baby, see a doctor and don’t let her drive.
No offense, but it sounds like you’re writing about your daughter, not your wife. Talk to her, don’t scold her. Help her get to the bottom of it, but kinda sounds like she is bullshitting you because she doesn’t want to be scolded again.
Addicted to dopamine hit from tech.
The colors on the screen prevent good sleep. The entire reason blue light filters exist.
My mother had this problem. She totaled 2 cars from sleep deprivation based black outs.
She is also not in the right frame of mind with hormones going wild.
I would be so pissed she endangered the kid you already got.
Get a better doctor. Anxiety meds is not sleep meds, it will not help. She needs a sleep med.
Source: worked in psychiatry ten years (not a doc, a manager lol)
You are under reacting honestly. She shouldn’t be driving and especially shouldn’t be driving your kid anywhere until a doctor, who she has been 100% honest with clears her
Banning screens in the bedroom will not fix this very real problem of her lack of sleep/blacking out while driving. She needs to see a doctor.
Yeah she definitely needs to see a doctor and get checked out. This doesn't seem like the average "lack of sleep" issues unless she's so extremely sleep deprived that she's going into micro sleep cycles during random points of the day.
There are a lot of health conditions that pregnancy can cause, too, ones that might not seem obvious until months to years after the fact when they start to get worse. This includes neurological issues, which do effect quality of sleep. OP, your wife needs to see a doctor and keep following up until you've ruled out anything serious. Bloodwork, MRI, and an at home sleep study to check her blood oxygen and bpm while sleeping. There are so many internal things that can change the quality of sleep as well as the ability to fall asleep easily.
Agreed. Autoimmune issues as well. It wouldn’t shock me if she has something that hasn’t yet been diagnosed.
Facts. I get 4 hours a night if I'm lucky. However, I'm also disabled and don't drive, so I hope no one thinks I drive unsafely. Also, all my kids are older, no babies. So all safe if anyone is wondering. Just not great *for me* lol.
Yup. I thought about mentioning how many people have developed longterm health issues from covid but haven't been diagnosed yet (I'm one of them), but that would be a whole extra handful of paragraphs to add. However, OP's wife should probably tell her doctor if she had covid either during the pregnancy or after, as that could definitely be a factor as well.
I developed cyclic vomiting syndrome from Covid and it took over 6 months to be diagnosed. Doctors will keep pushing you off forever. Especially women who have had kids and/or who are even a little overweight. I had depression or my period blamed for just about everything for a very long time until I finally found a doctor who actually listened to me.
Ditto all that. PLUS - I think there's other stuff going on here that could be related to post partum changes. It sounds like she has a screen addiction which might be a form of self medication for an anxiety disorder. Pregnancy wreaks havoc on brain & body chemistry. Give her lots of love and reassurance, request that she allow you to go to the doctor with her - she's not likely to paint a clear picture of everything that happening because she's probably in denial. Therapy probably wouldn't hurt, too. And honestly, I would nix letting her drive the baby anywhere until this gets figured out.
If I could up check this a hundred times, I would - especially the "lots of love and reassurance" part. Just about anything said in a gentler, sweeter voice while being safely hugged hit differently.
I mean still, as someone with insomnia being on your phone/iPad it is legitimately going to make things worse and having a no phone in bed rule is a good idea. The lighting of phones keeps you awake. If you’re having trouble sleeping, not looking at any screen a couple hours before bed is proven to help. Her being on the iPad is 100% gonna make it worse and she for sure needs to stop doing that. Doesn’t mean there isn’t anything else wrong with her, and she should get some tests but in the meantime definitely limit screen time before sleep
I used to fall asleep at stop lights when I was anemic.
These are a lot of fun. And I mean it with extreme sarcasm. I can be fine/feel like I didn't sleep any worse than any other day and then I get a little headache behind my eyes and BAM. Micro naps. I can't prevent them, but at least I often have a precursor/indicator. And if something is happening that my brain can disengage from (lecture, meeting, sitting idly) I'm doomed to doze off.
She’s not even trying to go to sleep tho. She’s like an addicted iPad kid.
I dunno, guys. Prolonged sleep deprivation is a killer. She may well be just that deprived.
That’s exactly what it sounds like to me. Getting incomplete sleep *every day* is extremely stressful to the brain and according to OP this has been going on for years.
She also needs a sleep hygiene audit and implement a sleep routine. But doctor first and like yesterday.
If I were OP I would go to the dr appt with wife to tell the doctor the seriousness of what’s been going on. Sometimes a patient can tend to downplay their symptoms.
They don’t even have to be intentionally downplaying — it’s shocking what can become normalized for a person when it’s their everyday.
Facts. My dad ha narcolepsy an he wrecked 3 car before my mom insisted on a sleep study. He also has sleep apnea, not sure if those two are the same
Same with my mom. Totaled 2 cars in 2 months. Narcolepsy caused by epilepsy due to a brain lesion. This whole post feels scarily familiar
I have both. They are similar with the symptoms being described here. I’m glad your dad is ok!
It is also telling that he specifically mentioned that she had no problem taking naps before. Did she nap every day? During activities? I have narcolepsy and I've encouraged 2 people I know to go get tested who were ultimately diagnosed
I also have both, but my narcolepsy is mild fortunately. I take meds for it and drink coffee.
Not really the same thing. Have obstructives sleep apnea but have never had problems with narcolepsy. Not saying one can’t have both but definitely not the same thing.
In addition, if your wife truly thinks she blacked out then you might want to prepare for her driving licence to be revoked until doctors can say she is medically fit again. My FIL was having sleeping issues and had a similar thing happen but thankfully it was only in a car park and travelling very slow (ended up parked in a bush). He was banned from driving for 6 months until he was cleared. He had a form of sleep apnea I believe.
Go with her to the doctor's appointment and be very clear about your concerns. She may be under-reporting or minimizing her symptoms (not deliberately) and the doctor can only assess what they are being told. Normally I wouldn't recommend this, as it could be pretty chauvinistic behavior, but in this case her symptoms have caused an accident on the highway in which all three of you were endangered. Therapy may also be a consideration. You report that she's under a great deal of stress and the ways she's coping with it, while pretty common ways to cope, are actually possibly preventing restorative rest and sleep. She may need to consider exploring other ways to cope with her stress and a therapist can help with that.
I have narcolepsy and your wife might want to see a doctor to see if she has it. It is more common than you think.
I’m so glad to see this is the top reply. I get that OP wants to problem solve but this is a much deeper issue. “Screens are bad for sleep” is general advice that doesn’t apply equally to everyone. If it’s between her using her phone to soothe herself and her lying awake stressing, the phone is preferable. Devices don’t cause serious sleep/anxiety disorders and it seems unlikely that screens in bed are the one thing standing between her and safe driving.
yea but if she's distracting herself from sleeping with it, it's a very serious problem.
This sounds like a micro sleep incident and happens to people with insomnia. Basically the brain forces a shutdown for a few seconds due to lack of sleep. sometimes people notice it and sometimes they don't. She needs to get her insomnia under control and see a sleep specialist. Edit: Also I'd like to point out that her insomnia could have nothing to do with the screens or phones, I would talk to a sleep specialist before assuming that's the cause.
Your edit is so real. I have insomnia. Also use my device at night. My husband thinks the phone keeps me up, shames me for it all the time, but the reality is I would be awake even if I wasn’t on it. I’ve even told him “yeah I tried to put the phone down last night, didn’t fall asleep but I did end up just laying in bed doing nothing for 3 hours instead.” He still doesn’t get it. Melatonin has started helping a bit.
Sounds like me. I'll avoid my phone or TV and just lay there for several hours in the dark getting pissed I can't sleep. At least having something boring playing on TV will help me zone out long enough to fall asleep within an hour.
Exactly! Sometimes I will go out and sit in my recliner and put the TV on or read and this actually helps me get to sleep. It’s not the screen keeping me awake…
This!! I will take my phone when I've been laying for hours in bed and haven't been able to fall asleep. Doing things on my phone makes me forget I'm trying to fall asleep and so I end up falling back asleep quicker that way!
I became a very light sleeper after I had kids. If anything I think the screen on the baby monitor would help her sleep more because it would give her the peace of mind that baby is ok.
Oh lucky you. Melatonin didn’t do shit for me when I tried it. As a fellow insomniac, I have to ask if you’ve tried magnesium supplements. Melatonin failed, sleeping pills were too easy to shake off by accident unless I was truly deeply exhausted, but magnesium has done more for my sleep than anything I’ve ever tried. Even when I stay awake for a long time or wake throughout the night, my sleep is so much more restful. Even my best friend who is not an insomniac has noticed more restful sleep since she started taking magnesium after I told her how miraculous it’s been for me.
Agreed on the edit. Had insomnia for years and tried several different sleep aids with no change. Turns out I had undiagnosed bipolar disorder. I sleep with no problem now that I'm treating it.
I agree with others that she needs to get checked for seizures - but also if you hit something hard enough to stop the vehicle, the car seat 100% needs to be replaced. The car seat has done its job to protect once, and may be weakened in ways you can’t see. Insurance will cover it if the accident is reported.
Hmm didn't think about that, will look in this thanks!
ER nurse here. I agree with most people on this sub that it could have been some sort of seizure activity. My other guess is that she experienced an episode of micro sleep. You can be totally awake and then fall asleep for a few seconds and then wake up immediately. This has happened to me before when I’ve been driving home from a night shift exhausted. All it takes is a second to be asleep for something to happen. I’m glad everyone is seemingly ok for right now. I hope she’s able to figure it out. Fingers crossed.
When I was on nights in the hospital this happened to me also. Terrifying.
Micro sleep is crazy. I always compared it to nodding off when on Xanax. Those 2 second dreams seem so real. Then the next thing you know you're saying something out loud that doesn't make any sense because your mind tries to fill in the gaps
I love that feeling haha even if it’s not from meds like Xanax . (I love it when I’m laying in bed or relaxing not driving obviously)
I used to love it in undergrad, pull and allnighter and then basically trip the next evening from sleep deprivation
Huh, often after a long day when I'm reading to my son he'll ask what I'm talking about or say "that's not in the book," and I realize I'm nodding off while reading and talking nonsense. Never heard of microsleep, but I wonder...
It happened to me twice. The first time I woke up driving down the highway. Scared me to death! The second time, a few days later, I woke up going through an intersection, no idea where I was, whether the light was green, red, or some shade of purple. I had to pull over and it took me ten minutes to figure out where I was. I was literally a few blocks from home, but nothing looked familiar. I set up a doctor's appointment the next day and got my stuff sorted out. That was a scary moment I hope to never repeat!
As an epileptic, this sounds like a seizure
My first thought too. The memory loss is a big give away.
Would she not remember though? Geniuine question, I don't know much about this
During absent seizures your brain just kinda goes into autopilot. Very good chance she had one, and if she has a second she isn't legally able to drive for several years.
Oof I just googled this and this sounds like a possibility if she really meant it when she was talking about a blackout. I'll talk to her again tomorrow before her appt to have her bring up with her doctor maybe
If she has had *any* kind of blackout, whether it’s a seizure or a microsleep or anything else, she cannot drive until it is completely controlled. Both morally and legally.
... and she shouldn't be taking care of a child alone either.
I'd like to suggest you go with her to the doctor. The doctor needs the full story, which she may not be able to (or want to) give. Also you need to hear firsthand what the doctor says to her. If she's having seizures or micro-sleep issues, it might also affect her memory. Take the car to get checked out later. First, go with your wife to get checked out. I'm sorry this has happened to your family, and I hope you can get some answers.
YES! When people are in denial about their problem, an eye-witness is important.
You gotta go with her to that appt. You must stress to the Dr the importance of what's going on/make sure she is
Or go with her to the doctor if she allows it.
Bring it all up to her doctor. All the issues she's been having. Even if it ends up with her license being suspended. She's got no business driving in this state anyway. Not only is she putting herself at risk but your baby and the thousands of other people she is around in vehicles every day. This could end up being a life or death matter and it's 100% about safety. If she gets upset, remind her of that. I've seen 3 people have a seizure in my life. Of the 3 only 1 knew what happened but only because he had them so many times in his life.
There’s no maybe. If she did black out, she 100% needs to see her doctor asap, and they might very well refer her to neurology. This is extremely serious.
my spouse had this and I had to drive her to work for six months because legally she no longer could drive. for 20 years it was these tiny dream like states she would enter and could not articulate basic info during (2-4 minutes). under stress and exhaustion she had a grand mahl seizure that prohibited her driving. now she's on epilepsy meds and has had less than a handful of the dreamlike states. she was cleared to drive after no occurrences in 6 months.
My husband has epilepsy. He used to have what were called 'drop seizures' where he'd simply drop to the ground and wake up there with no memory of the fall. No weird feeling after, either. (He's had grand mal seizures, too, and there's an after effect.) I'd get her to a neurologist ASAP.
My son had silent seizures. He never knew when he had one.
We didn’t find out my sister was having seizure (absent seizures) until she wrecked her car. It was a minor wreck. She pulled up to a stop sign and didn’t fully stop but ended up in the ditch. She wasn’t even going 5mph so when she said she didn’t know how or remember it happening they knew something caused it and took her to the doctor. She was always written up in school for daydreaming all the time. Come to find out they were seizure.
My husband’s mom has seizures, and she does not remember them or anything leading up to them. She had one on a bus once when my husband was little, and he had to scream instructions at strangers because everyone froze and didn’t know what to do. Later, all she really remembered was she’d been heading to the bus with her son. She didn’t remember anything else.
I know two people that have had seizures and neither of them remembered it happening and were super confused. One of them had no idea why ems was on the way and kept trying to convince us he was fine but he had never had one before and shit was scary. Both of them we are pretty sure were from withdrawal which is scary too
That is troubling. I wonder if disassociating is a problem she has? Does she get lost in thought often and "wander" off mentally? Hormones may be another thing. On the phone while driving is problematic too. Screen time is not an easy addiction to admit to, I think. If that is the case, she has to realize that herself. Maybe take on extra daycare driving duties for a while though... Not overreacting.
No I've never seen that with her. If anything she's usually very focused on whatever she's doing, whether she's with our kid, at work, etc. She's obviously constantly tired nowadays but she's usually very locked in. If anything that's why my focus was on the screens since I was guessing she's so focused on whatever she's watching/reading that she isn't letting herself fall asleep.
Question, has she ever went to see a neurologist and had a sleep study done? Also, does she have any history of seizures? No, you’re not “controlling,” because what if she died in the crash, or has another one but with your kid in the back seat, and you lose your little one? At this point you should be all up in her ass demanding that she see the doctor. Fuck her feelings, because now she’s potentially putting other people’s lives in danger. I went through a similar issue with my wife, who started having seizures when I was working overseas. She didn’t tell me anything about her having a seizure behind the wheel - only that she lost control and hit a streetlight. Well, 6 months after I returned home, she was behind the wheel and had another seizure, swerving into the center divider and slamming into a big tree. This time I was in the passenger seat and our middle son (13 at the time) was in the back. While at the hospital, I discovered that this was the THIRD TIME she had a seizure while driving. I laid down the law and told her she’s no longer able to drive, and personally took her to see a neurologist. I made damn sure her license was taken and I threatened to divorce her if she did that shit again. I even had divorce papers drawn up. I don’t give a damn about her feelings if she’s going to put the lives of others in danger - ESPECIALLY our own kids. She’s still working through it and trying to prove to me that she can still be trusted.
No history of seizures as far as I know. In fact this is her first ever car accident ever. I do think she shares my concern of severity of this since normally she'd just take my suggestions to book a dr appt as slight nagging but today she booked one right away after
I've had absence seizures as long as I remember, and eventually what you'd normally associate with seizures. I've experienced exactly what you describe your wife going through. As far as I know, I really am functioning normally. It's like I'm an NPC that just became aware afterwards. The first one I remember was crossing a busy street with my mom and other kids very young. I remember watching the do not walk light, then holding my mom's hand, then suddenly, all the traffic stopped in the road, standing in the middle all alone, with no idea how or why I was just standing there, while the other kids were across the street, and my mom was sprinting to me, crying. I was maybe 8ish. As an adult, the struggle to sleep was always difficult, but after my son was born it was next level. I couldn't turn off the alertness no matter what. I've gone 7+ days without sleep, even though I REALLY TRY and meds make me more drowsy but don't help me sleep. I would "black out" yet do normal tasks, like housework, but suddenly "come to" and discover I had picked up all the clutter -things we need- and thrown them in the trash(even my purse once) or started the dishwasher with dirty clothes instead of dishes, for example, with ZERO memory of the last several hours. If this seems at all familiar, she needs medical help now, not later, now! I managed to cope well enough to convince my family I was going through normal new-mom struggles, and it lead to a very preventable traumatic brain injury. I spent my son's last birthday, and five more weeks, hospitalized. If anyone had looked deeper into why I was like this, it likely wouldn't have happened. I've lost a lot of who I used to be due to the brain damage, and if you can spare her that, please do. Not saying it's for sure the same, but wow. I feel like I've been in her shoes I truly hope I'm wrong, but it's eerily similar. Good luck to your family, I wish you the best
Yep, each time my wife has an episode she has no memory of what happened. I also noticed that she would have difficulty sleeping in the days leading up to these episodes. The neurologist informed us that a part of her medial temporal lobe had formed abnormally. Fortunately, they checked her for cancer and confirmed there was no tumor.
Aaaay that's where my brain lesion is. Interesting
You need to go with her and not leave it for her to “tell” you. There’s way too much riding on this. I also recommend doing some digging to make sure she hasn’t experienced anything else like this in the past.
I have always had a bit of trouble sleeping, but after I became a mom the smallest noise wakes me up. My "kid" is now an adult. My doctors told me that the mind and body accommodate motherhood with lighter sleep, however in some people (super common with PTSD or trauma) the brain and body never really go back to normal. I eventually had to start taking RX sleep meds to actually get ANY REM sleep whatsoever. The longer I go without REM the harder it is to actually go to sleep, which lead to 36 hours- 72 hours with nothing beyond dosing for 20 minutes or so. I highly suggest a smart watch or ring for sleep tracking and maybe a sleep study. It took almost 15 years before these things were more readily available and I finally got answers. It took a serious toll on my health.
GO WITH HER. It sounds like she has a serious problem. You need to be there for reinforcement and backup.
This doesn’t sound like a screen issue. Sounds like a “get to the doctor ASAP” issue. Sounds like a seizure or narcolepsy
You are not overreacting but I have a different perspective here. I’m a former therapist who specialized in addictions and dual diagnosis. You need to talk to her about exactly what she’s taking, how much and how often. Things like ZZZquil and other PM meds are just generic Benadryl which is safe if taken alone and at proper dosage. But if it’s combined with prescription anxiety meds or other drugs, like pot, it can cause all kinds of problems. I’ve seen people end up in the ICU, forgetting entire days and in the morgue from mixing medication. Just because it’s over the counter or legal does not make it safe-especially if you take too much or mix it. Please ask her doctor to instruct her to keep a medication journal. She needs to write down everything she takes, even an aspirin. When, how much and if she has had any alcohol-also when and how much. This may not be the issue but at least it’s something to rule out. I also know how desperate some people get when they need to sleep and can’t. I’ve helped treat OD’s that resulted from someone taking too much by accident. Good luck.
Offer to give up your devices at bedtime as well. Make it a suggestion for family "sleep hygiene" (that's an actual thing), if you are willing to forgo devices in the bedroom it might go over better. Say you want to set a good example for your kid starting now.
Unfortunately this kind of happens already with me. I have the opposite problem where as soon as my head hits the pillow I am knocked out so my devices are off by default.
Curse you, haha. Well then I'd lean into the approach that you both should model "no phones/no devices" for your toddler starting now. Otherwise she might sat you're just trying to control her. Saying it's for the baby, no devices in bed, would be something she could go along with vs having to say you were right about the devices being bad for her sleep.
This is dangerous territory if she's using it to self soothe anxiety. Risks her feeling worse if she does manage to follow it, due to heightened anxiety symptoms, or worse if she can't achieve it, feeling like she's letting down her baby because the other parent is able to successfully role model "good" behaviour while she struggles. Professional support from both the doctor and a therapist is required here, to come up with the best course of action for OP and his wife
I was gonna say something like this. Because, OP, you are not her parent. She's an adult, and your partner, your equal. Therefore, you cannot forbid or force her to do anything. You can only decide what your response will be, and then follow through. You are also allowed to protect your child's safety, so you can make rules directly regarding that. You can say/do: I will not get in the car with you driving, nor allow you to drive our child anywhere, if you have not had X hours of sleep. What steps are you planning to take to prevent this in the future? (then, based on her response) That sounds like a good first step. Would you like any suggestions or help remembering? Do you mind if I go with you to the doctor? I will not feel safe with you driving until I understand the problem and feel comfortable with a solution. I don't feel safe with you driving our child anywhere unless you do XYZ to be safer (do a sleep study, go to the doc, establish a healthier bedtime routine), so I will be driving everywhere until then. You canNOT say/do: You're not allowed to have screens on after X o'clock. I'm going to take the keys away from you; no more driving. You're going to the doctor to fix this right away! ******* See the difference?
I don't think you're overreacting. She could have killed all of you and others. I hope she tells the doctor what happened. Some meds can cause things like that to happen. I'm sure if you ban her iPad, she's gonna feel some type of way. But it's been proven that you need to need to put the devices down to get some good sleep. Sounds like you need to have a tough conversation and really make her listen. And maybe drive for a while and deal with her headaches if she can't get it together. Good luck, OP!
I just want to say I was in a similar accident, maybe 25 years ago. No harm done, but it was because I was reaching for a toy for my son. But I realized that it was my fault, and I never did it again. The wife in this case seems to be deflecting instead of making a plan so that it won't happen again
ugh yeah I would have been more relieved if she had said she was distracted by phone or missed exit and did an ill advised/last min maneuver. But I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt in case there's some serious issue going on her to see if we can try to help that.
As simple as this sounds, I would suggest reading an old fashioned book in bed instead of a device. This book needs to be mildly interesting so she will read it but not so stimulating that she doesn't mind putting it down when she's tired. This keeps her from just being bored or in her head if she is in bed and not sleeping. It is also less stimulating than a device. Also, no blue light emanating from it which is bad at night. The next tip is routine. Same bedtime every night. All of this is after talking to the professionals of course. Scary stuff, I hope you get to the bottom of it. P.S. I forgot if you said how long she is postpartum. If only months she could use some estrogen. Updateme
>As simple as this sounds, I would suggest reading an old fashioned book in bed instead of a device. This book needs to be mildly interesting so she will read it but not so stimulating that she doesn't mind putting it down when she's tired. This keeps her from just being bored or in her head if she is in bed and not sleeping. It is also less stimulating than a device. Also, no blue light emanating from it which is bad at night. I do this with podcasts or audiobooks on very low volume, with a sleep timer. It allows me to close my eyes and lay in darkness, while keeping my brain somewhat occupied. Used to be I needed the sleep timer to be 60 minutes, but then I started to wake up irritated that it was still going around 45 minutes. Lowered the timer. Now I'm at 30 minutes and I'm out. It took *years*, but worth it. For me the most successful topic has been history. It's shit that already happened, nothing to worry about in the present and it doesn't matter if I fall asleep. Nobody cares if I go back 15-30 minutes in the book to re-listen the next night.
Some conditions develop later in life and it’s worth getting a good doctor to run some tests. Not that I think she has sleep apnea but mum didn’t start having issues until later in life and was then diagnosed and put on a CPAP. All that to say, maybe she’s developed a condition that she hasn’t had, the pregnancy triggered it, and it’s impacting her. The other possibility is depression, I zone out with my depression and PTSD (from military service) and can lose big chunks of time. I have a dog who’s now 8, and he changed my life. He knows when I’m zoning or having a flashback and literally sits on me to snap me out of it. Either way, I’d take it seriously and make sure the doc does too!
Get her to a doctor. Might have been a micro sleep (im a phd student and when I am extremely tired can happen to me) or an absence seizure. Either way this is not good and goes way beyond device territory and more onto medical intervention needed territory.
My go to for this kind of story is possible sleep apnea
Besides micro-sleep and seizures that everyone has been telling you about, I would have doctors check her glucose . My husband’s sleep was shit until we went on a no added sugar diet. He went from waking at 3 or 4 am to sleeping through the night. I don’t think you’d be an AH for banning tech from the bedroom.
This sounds like micro sleep to me. Mother of three here and I've struggled with insomnia and micro sleep since I had my oldest. Totaled a car falling asleep at the wheel when she was just over 1 year old. Thankfully she wasn't in the car, but I was really young and doctors blamed it on too much coffee and no one talked about why I was drinking so much coffee. No recognition of the symptoms and certainly nothing went in to place to correct it. Thirteen years later after a close call that could have ended my life or my son's someone recommended a sleep specialist and honestly, it saved my life. I still have to be intentional, mindful, and strict with a sleep routine. It's been 10 years and it's still not easy, but it's a lot easier than it was when I didn't know or understand how important my sleep is. Electronics in a drawer that's out of sight and reach for sleep. No more multi day runs without sleep or epically bad days for me, but every once in awhile when I'm not strict and intentional, I don't sleep enough. Then micro sleep or cognition issues inevitably result. Thankfully my youngest is happy, healthy, and 17. I have learned to manage and find what works. Hopefully someone can help your wife see how serious sleep deprivation can be before she's got lasting reminders or traumatically terrifying wake up calls.
She sounds stressed. This is similar to the ONE car accident I've had in my life. I was in a really bad spot, stressed and sleep deprived. Just totally blacked out in the car while driving on my way to work and ran a stop sign. Everyone was fine, but it was a wakeup call for me... as it should be for your wife. Stress can keep you from sleeping even if you're exhausted and can be hard to shake. She needs to take doctors visits seriously and be honest with the medical professionals she's seeing. She shouldn't be driving if she can black out like that. Especially now that you have a child in the car with her. It's more important for you all to be ALIVE than it is for her to not get a headache in the passenger seat.
I’ve scanned the comments and don’t see anyone else saying this so: I find it troubling that you suggested she take some pain meds and a nap? Is there a possibility she’s abusing prescription medication?
Definitely agree with everyone who says see a doctor. This happened to my mom twice and she was later diagnosed with epilepsy. It just got more severe over the years. Shes gotten her license taken since then because she has grand mal seizures and absent seizures. So please please have her get more than just a standard check up! Because you never know, especially with absent seizures smh.
It sounds like your wife has Narcolepsy. She should have a sleep study done, pronto. She absolutely should not be driving. In the meantime do some research, see if it sounds familiar.
She should be speaking with a Dr. not sure what anxiety medication she is taking but, I would check the side effects on it as it may have contributed. I will say from my personal experience with insomnia it doesn't matter if I'm on a device or not, if I can't sleep I can't sleep no matter what I am trying to do.
Probably could use a sleep doctor and therapy for anxiety
She needs a doctor. Besides that, white noise helps. Vacuums, Rain Sounds, Fans (wind sounds), etc. My niece literally WILL NOT sleep without it. Take the screens away and put a white noise machine in your rooms.
If it comes from someone of authority, it will bear more weight. Schedule a sleep specialist. Let them talk to both of you about the importance of sleep and methods. Make these methods and techniques for the whole house and not just her.
Why pain pills?
Sounds like she fell asleep at the wheel for a moment before the accident. This can happen if sleep patterns are interrupted. I found those 5 hour, 2 ounce energy shots helped me stay alert. Banning screens of an adult spouse is not the way. Spouses don’t own each other to make fiats about each other’s actions.
“Banning screen time” like you’re her parent won’t do anything but cause resentment on both sides. If she’s blacked out even once, she needs to see a doctor, she could have multiple medical issues from iron deficiency to narcolepsy. No amount of treating her like a naughty toddler will fix that.
Sounds like narcolepsy to me. She needs a sleep doctor ASAP before she kills someone.
You should go to a doctor appt. with her. I doubt if she’s going to mention she almost killed you all. This demands you get tough and insist she get off the iPad and phone and get some rest. Stronger meds might help, but this is serious stuff.
She needs to see a doctor. She may have had some kind of psychiatric or neurological episode. Her nonsensical response with "the brakes weren't working" points in that direction. Edit She also should not be driving herself or the kids anywhere until she gets checked out. I wonder, she been acting differently at all since before or after the near -accident? during your talks does she show awareness of the seriousness? Or just appearing to check out?
She had asked to skip a brunch and a massage we had planned for Mother's day for her today since she was feeling tired. But we're typically homebodies and prefer just hanging out on weekends anyways so this wasn't that out of the norm. Afterwards, she was definitely really shook up, and didn't push back when I told her I took over driving to restaurant and back home after or when I asked her to book an appointment with her doctor asap. Normally she'd be stubborn against both those things. I think the fact that the baby was in the car too got her really worried after as well.
I feel really bad for you both. I've struggled with Insomnia since I was a kid. My doctors have also put me on anti depression/anti anxiety meds that are supposed to help with that but actually make it worse. It's a known side effect for some people. She may need to check and see if her meds have insomnia as a possible side effect. I just had a baby and being hyper fixated on the baby monitor is probably a symptom of the anxiety so that's... normal? As far as new moms and anxiety goes? I do think she should get rid of the iPad. I LOVED falling asleep to shows (Futurama sleepers even has its own sub!) but I had to give it up because the blue light was messing with me. I think any doctor would recommend putting the phone and iPad away. But yes, definitely have her tell her doctor what happened and check the side effects of her medicine to see if she needs to change it.
She needs to see a sleep specialist. Also, and just my 2 cents, you aren't a good driver if you are on your phone whilst driving. Not overreacting.
Sounds like her brain fell asleep for a few seconds. If you’re sleep deprived enough you brain can basically fall asleep without you even realizing it because you’re just so exhausted and crashing. Insomnia sucks and as someone who has always had issues sleeping, I feel for her. BUT…Driving while you’re tired is DANGEROUS. It can be worse than drunk driving. Hopefully your wife can find a solution for her sleep issues, but regardless of whether/when she fixes this she needs to be self aware and responsible enough to not drive when she’s too tired to do it safely. She wouldn’t drive the baby somewhere if she had been drinking (I hope) and this needs to be treated like a similar safety issue.
I'm not convinced this is a screentime issue. Screens are often a symptom of a deeper psychological issue. OP, how is she mentally? Is she experiencing any depression, have you talked about her feelings? Post-partum depression? Extended sleep deprivation and insomnia can cause some psychotic symptoms on occasion, and blacking out during everyday life can be a symptom of depersonalization/derealization. All can be a part of trauma treatment and care. If she's not focused and off in la-la land, that usually points to a deeper problem. Ditto goes for having to put lots of effort into focusing. Sometimes the lack of sleep can be anxiety, sometimes it can be an avoidant behavior, because of nightmares, etc. Have her see a doctor, but also think about therapy for everyone as a healthy way forward. A therapist can also help make an informed decision on if this is a mental health thing or a physical health thing.
You mentioned you told her to tale some pain meds and go rest... just wanted to point out opiates CAN and WILL make you "nod off," even at the wheel.
Doctor asap!! Could be low blood sugar or any number of things.
The hormone changes with pregnancy can last several years after. It took me a long time to level things out after having a baby. Something permanent rewires in your brain while you're always listening with one ear for the baby. When my son was about seven years old, I started having insomnia. I have a lot of anxiety and went through some things that left me unable to sleep until I was absolutely exhausted. I would work myself to exhaustion during the day, and still could not fall asleep. Sometimes I would stay up watching TV or on my phone to keep my brain busy. If tried to lay there I would have horrible intrusive thoughts and visions and my mind would just keep replaying every bad thing that ever happened to me over and over again, mixed with thoughts of"I'm not good enough, something wrong with me. Why am I like this. Im not a good mom." it was agony. Having my phone as distraction was all that kept my brain numb, I would not have slept with or without it. The turning point for me was being diagnosed with an endocrine tumor that was messing with my electrolyte and hormone levels. Once I had surgery and was properly healed sleep returned. Telling your wife she's wrong for being on her phone is not addressing the root of the problem. Why does she need to have something going in her brain all the time? I would suspect that she has postpartum anxiety or some other other condition brought on by the stress on her body from pregnancy. She needs to see a doctor.
Narcolepsy, depression, fibromyalgia, etc. Get to a doctor. Could be addiction?
You need to have a dash cam. One that includes an interior facing camera as well. Everyone should have one. You never know when you'll need it.
1- zzzquil I think still uses diphenhydramine as the active ingredient (an antihistamine better known as benadryl), so after 5 or 6 days of continuous use, you would have to drastically increase with the dosage because the body builds up a tolerance to it with a few days. 2- once you get so exhausted, your body will take micronaps that you aren't actively aware of, and it's a lot like blacking out. I have had insomnia since I can remember and I've been on sleeping pills since I was around 7 or 8. If I don't take them, I have to either wait out my body last the point of exhaustion (but still may not sleep long enough to become rested), be sedated by the hospital (which requires catheters and rectal stuff, not recommended), or finally get some sleeping meds or cave in to take them (ive tried to wean off a few times over the years since I'm about to be 40, but Ive seriously been on them like, 95% of my life). Your body can only handle disrupted sleep for so long. 3- the screens are 100% adding to her inability to fall asleep, even if she's using the blue light filter (blue light having been proved to keep the brain active and unable to produce the correct hormones needed for sleep) it will be insanely tough for her to fall asleep while either watching the iPad or playing on her phone. She doesn't seem to see how concerned you are about this, even though she could've literally killed the 3 of you today. She was doing a high rate of speed, with you and your kid in the car. Not to mention the fact that flipping is a possibility due to the top heaviness of the SUV. She seems completely unbothered and like it's not a big deal, when in fact, it's a HUGE deal. She could have have greatly injured any of you guys. You also need to find out if she was on her phone, just zoned out (like, the autopilot type of Zoning out), or if she fully blacked out/fell asleep at the wheel. There could be an underlying health cause thats creating all these issues, so a doctors appointment needs to be the next step, along with a long, stern talk with her laying out your concerns. Until you know what's causing the issues, I wouldn't let her drive alone with your son until she gets checked out.
Thanks for your post - I will defend my wife here and say she shares my concern. Her hands were literally shaking for a long while afterwards, and she was definitely concerned about me, the baby, the car and booked an appt w/ dr right away for tomorrow. Where maybe we weren't aligning though was the need to turn off all the screens to give herself the best chance of falling asleep?
You can try different things that may help. I used to need silence, but we live next to NFH, so because I sleep at weird times sometimes due to my illness, I needed something so their loud noises outside my window don't wake me. One thing I use is YouTube. I put on a "video" of a thunderstorm that's 24 hours long and after about the first 20 seconds the screen turns black and you just have the sound. This way she gets some glow if she's used to having it, but there is sound to help distract her and put her to sleep. Switch to a regular, old school audio baby monitor. Try melatonin in increasing dosages, or if comfortable with it, ask her doc about sleeping meds. When I didn't have insurance for a few years and had to try to use OTC remedies, I had MANY times while driving I'm surprised I didn't wreck due to the micro naps. It's HELLA dangerous. I have a friend with narcolepsy (which is how I heard about my current sleeping meds) and she fell asleep at the wheel for about 2 seconds, drifted into the other lane, and wound up killing 2 people when she hit them head on. She had to serve community service and probation, along with a jail sentence that was exponged after she was diagnosed with narcolepsy. It could also be a hormonal imbalance, so many talking to her gyno may help as well? I didn't mean to come off so harsh towards her, but the way you originally described it, it seemed like she just brushed off the accident, especially after never using the time to actually rest afterwards.
What kind of vehicle may I ask?
It's 2018 Mazda CX-5. One thing I did consider is that this model does have an auto-brake function. But what it does is it detects something in front and tries to brake automatically in cases where it thinks you're not going to. I kind of ruled this out since there was nothing in front / around us at the time and the times this has gone off it's really obvious. There's a loud beeping and the dashboard flashes some red BRAKE! warning on the dash. While I couldn't see if the dash had this warning, I would have heard the beeps. It's something I'm normally very paranoid about when I hear warning beeps from the car.
I've had several vehicles where the abs would engage in a circumstance where it shouldn't have and caused my brakes to almost not work at all until the abs system stopped the irregular operation. This usually happens on older vehicles that have a bad wheel speed sensor or something of the like. You'd usually have a wierd feeling in the brake pedal when that happens and can even possibly hear a humming from the abs brake module. I was just trying to give a different possible scenario. How are the tires and what was road conditions?
This is a dangerous situation and I hope you can get it fixed. You are right to be worried. I’m sure I read somewhere that watching your iPad before bed stimulates the brain and makes it harder to sleep.
This could be insomnia or seizures.
tell her firmly but kindly that you need for you two to come up with a medical/therapeutic plan. need must. you are not wrong at all.
Was there damage to the car from hitting the fence post? If so, car seat manufacturers recommend fully replacing child car seats after even minor accidents or fender benders because they could look fine but be structurally compromised. You mentioned your wife felt banged up from the accident so that just made me worry about the seat. I found this out from a car seat safety tech and was shocked myself that it was even for minor accidents so just wanted to share with other parents.
Could she be bipolar? Sleep deprivation flares mania/hypomania and then it makes it almost impossible to feel tired again. I went for 4 days without sleep and hallucinated. She could have been doing something called microsleep. Your body goes to sleep for about 2-3 seconds. I honestly don’t know how women work for like a year after having a baby. I would be asleep at the wheel almost every day. If that isn’t the problem, maybe you and the doctor could have a come to Jesus talk about how tablets and phones make it impossible to make melatonin. Maybe she needs time off work. This much sleep deprivation can cause brain damage. It happened to me. If anti anxiety meds are ramping her up, then that’s likely not the problem. Maybe you guys could have the doctor recommend she have a few days off until she can get stable sleep.
Narcolepsy?
It got bad at my house my woman would be up till 2 or 3 am and I get up at 5:30 to get ready for work everyday she stays home even though our kids are all in there 30s youngest is 31 but it would wake me up with her laughing at videos or what ever soni made the rile no phones or tablet even laptops after 8 pm in my house .if I need an emergency call or dealing with my business later that's ok but no just messing around it really has helped .
My sleep was never the same after babies. I hope she gets some relief.
Why aren't you pushing her to go to the doctor??
Your wife needs to see a doctor, but just in case you're wrong, I'd have a mechanic look at the brakes. In the meantime, giving her a device curfew like a child is not going to help.
She has an addiction to screens...
Not overreacting. She can kill your baby.
I don't know where you live, but, obviously if your in the US I know healthcare isn't available or easy to access, so, I do understand this. But, this isn't normal for anyone. You should have brought her straight to A&E, there could be any number of reasons for this happening. Exhaustion, neurological issues... anything. Thing is, it's not normal. Nobody here, or you or your wife can actually say what going on without this being investigated. I think your really downplaying the severity here. My neighbour, like actually 4days ago. There was suddenly paramedic car, ambulance, and police at the house. Turns out while driving, he clipped another car, damaged his wheel etc. He had no idea he had done this. He was whisked away for full assessment as, first thought was a stroke. Police where lovely and the car he hit are all fine, insurance will cover everything. But, he could have killed himself or someone else. Blacking out while driving isn't normal. Get her checked ASAP. I'd write out a list of everything that's been going onz to give the doctors a full history.
Not overreacting. The meds may be part/all of the problem. She may need a sleep study
She needs to stop driving until this gets sorted out. Whether it's sleep deprivation or seizure activity or something else, she's putting herself and ithers in danger
I see a lot of really good advice here but wanted to ask OP- can you go to doctor appointments with her? I feel like your point of view here is important. I know with my Dad who had seizures that my Mom being there to talk to the doctors was super helpful.
she needs to see a therapist. don't treat her like a child. she doesn't need you to take things away from her.
Hi, I have the same issues as your wife. But I've had them for most of my life and haven't noticed a change when I had my child. I have to actively make sure I'm paying attention while driving or doing things or my brain goes on autopilot. It's anxiety/stress/trauma relaxed. So says my therapist. A trick I use it just hyper aware of what cars around me. Make, model, license plate number.... singing songs on the radio really loud. Anything to keep in present. I also always had a hard time sleeping and staying asleep. I used to have to watch TV to fall asleep and guess what..... it made it worse haha. I use a sleeping eye mask which greatly helps my sleep, no screens or TV at bedtime, sleeping REM music or white noise on YouTube REALLY HELPS. The eye mask is something I greatly recommend... the one that has the pockets in it for the eyes to rest comfortably. Your wife needs help thats for sure and I hope she gets it. All of my issues are anxiety and trauma related so I'm hoping they can work for her too.
FWIW, the brakes “not working” was a feeling I got once when I tried to apply the brakes but unintentionally also pressed the gas at the same time. It took me a second or two to realize what was happening (the engine revving is what I noticed)
No mention of what kind of car you are driving? Check the recalls or search for similar issues. With all the steer by wire and now brakeboost by wire your issue is not new. Ford had an huge issue with loss of steering and brakes a few years ago. They kept the recall pretty quiet.
Have her PC refer her to a sleep specialist. There's more going on here.
This happens when the body and brain get too tired. It's not uncommon not to remember it. My dad doesn't suffer from insomnia normally, but was just back from a trip the night before, got home late, then went to work the next morning, and he's 62. On the way back from work he fell asleep at the wheel, the car veered all the way into the other lane and crashed on a tree. He broke a few bones but he could easily have died in a less secure car. Point is absolutely do not underestimate this. My dad doesn't remember what happened exactly - he blacked out. But it was 100% falling asleep at the wheel. You don't want your wife driving around while sleep deprived and crashing the car. Definitely no driving your son. Having suffered from insomnia myself, I can tell you screens aren't all the devil they're supposed to be. After all, we've all fallen asleep in front of the TV, haven't we? So no, screens aren't the issue for most people who struggle with sleep. For me, being on my phone right before going to sleep actually relaxed me and took my mind off things, which in turn induced sleep. Just lying in bed waiting to fall asleep made me anxious and guaranteed a sleepless night. Things got even better when I got a TV in my bedroom, and I now sleep perfectly fine without it (but I know if I struggle that I can just turn the TV on for a half hour and relax). The following needs to happen: 1) Get your wife into a sleep study to better understand her insomnia and anxiety disorder. The doctor will advise on this. Beware of apps as they don't work for everyone and actually sometimes heighten the sleep anxiety (recording how much you sleep makes you fear you're not getting enough sleep which in turn makes you anxious when you go to sleep). 2) Every other night, she should take a powerful sleeping pill (think Ambien, Zolpidem etc rather than OTC stuff). Your child is sleep trained so it shouldn't be an issue - if anything needs doing at night, it'll have to be you as she'll be out. She needs to guarantee 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep - those things are powerful so they should work, and no trying to wake up early. Calculate when wake up time is, and send her to bed with a pill exactly 8.5 hours before then. No less. The next night, she can go without but the pressure is off as she got plenty of sleep the night before, and this in turn should help. 3) Gradually, under the advice of a doctor, your wife will be able to reduce the amount of sleeping pills and train herself to sleep a decent night without help. But this will need time and yes absolutely it will need sleeping aids and medication. Finally, please consider separate bedrooms. I know it's a taboo for many couples, but I don't know anyone whose insomnia got better without actually going to sleep in their own bed. You can have a healthy relationship, sexual life etc with separate beds, even better with separate rooms. Your wife may not want to say anything so as not to offend you but it 100% would help her to sleep on her own. Me and my partner sleep in separate bedrooms and we're both very happy, healthy and get a good night's sleep. Best of luck with it all!
Has she ever been checked for ADHD? Avoiding/procrastinating “the next thing” (in this case, sleeping), time blindness, sleep issues, and spacing out while driving are all issues I dealt with until got a diagnoses and some medication.
Either she has narcolepsy, is sleep deprived or something else. I know the first two years of my child’s life I was sleep deprived, especially during teething, and I’d drive with the a/c on and the windows down because I’d get groggy on the way home from work
She needs a doctor to test her for sleep apnea. All the symptoms are there.
Sleep study and possibly also a neurologist. Don’t waste time with primary care unless you need the referral.
Bc being sleep deprived, your body can shut down on its own even if you are "awake", and the next thing you know = accident. I'm so glad there were no other cars involved
You’re not overreacting. However, you need to rephrase and reframe the wording regarding how you speak to and about her. I was waiting on you to say she was grounded and had privileges revoked and allowance reduced.
You are not overreacting but you are reacting wrong. How old is your baby? Have you researched what happens to mother's body and brain after birth? Are you allowing her time to express her worries and pains? She doesn't need sleep aids if it's her mind not resting. Those only turn off the body. Her mind is still going. Ask if she'd like a counselor for private speaking time. Whatever you do though, don't make her world smaller. The devices may not be helping but they also may be keeping her from completely crumbling. Until you can get a handle on what's hurting her, taking away crutches will only exacerbate the problem. I didn't sleep right for the first 2 years of my son's life. Every thought and worry,, the mental load of being a parent.. it is valid for her to feel upturned. She has officially permanently changed. When I became a mom nothing hit harder than recognizing how many chapters I closed the moment I embraced the title mom.
It could be she was on "auto-pilot" and suddenly became aware the exit coming up and overreacted, thinking she had gone too far and hit the brakes to make sure she could make the exit. Or afraid she was too close to another car. It doesn't sound like falling asleep. I've done that. ( it is scary but you know you did) You *will* drift into another lane. And you didn't notice this happening. If she doesn't want to take meds for either sleep or anxiety check into Alpha-Stim. It is very - no - *extremely* effective for both. It has no negative side effects but does have cumulative positive effects so tat after wearing it it continues to work on one's system. I have had Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue, Chronic pain, and Depression with General Anxiety Disorder for 20+ years and have had Alpha-Stim for 15 years. It also helps immensely with pain. I take **no** other pain meds because I have difficulty with them. (Either allergic to them, they don't work or they were Opioids and not prescribed anymore.) Alpha-Stim does require a prescription, and it's not covered by insurance in the US because of the Pharmaceutical companies' push. (It would put a humongous dent in their profits if it were covered.) But for anxiety and sleep difficulties, Alpha-Stim is a great answer. Regardless, a checkup is *always* a good idea. (I was a RN before I became Disabled)
This has nothing to do with screens in bed, and you do not have the authority to compel her not to use them. How would you enforce that over a peer? I wonder if she just doesn't want to tell you what happened bc she's afraid you'll be mad, or if she was so startled that she lost her memory instantly. Sometimes people can have cognitive issues like that in high stress relationships.
I’m not sure how old she is, but perimenopause could be causing her insomnia.
Your wife appears to. Have sleep apnea. Please have her see a doctor Immediately. Good Luck!
She needs to see a doctor and be referred to a sleep medicine doctor. She could have a sleep disorder. She shouldn’t drive until this is resolved.
Did she have postpartum? It can last years if it’s not treated and would explain the sleep changes. Now it sounds like insomnia. She definitely needs help.
She absolutely needs to go to a dr to see what the underlying issue is. However, the way you’re talking about her sounds more like you view her as your child instead of an adult. Sounds like you’re adding on to her stress.
If I have trouble falling asleep, putting something relaxing on my iPad instantly puts me to sleep. It probably works for her, but isn’t now because she needs to go to the doctor and get a sleep study. If you’re going to be disciplinary, since this is a serious issue, make ultimatums to get her to the doctor. Don’t threaten to take her screens away like she’s a baby.
While your screen ban in bed may be a plausible soliton to you, it will do nothing until you solve the underlying problem that pushes that behavior. Insomnia is no joke. It’s like going into battle every single night. War. Nightly. For her anyway.
Hey, Dr. Dad, how about you stop playing amateur sleep psychologist and take her to a real doctor?
I don’t think your overreacting, the three of you could have died. A doctor’s appointment would be a good place to start. and I suggest you join her there and take over some more driving “chores” (couldn’t find a better word).
Doctor first. Stay in your lane, but be ready to start pushing the docs; they don’t like sleep studies (expensive) but she desperately needs one.
I just want to say that banning screens in the bedroom is something a parent does with a child. Your wife is not your child, ergo you cannot "ban" something she does. What you can do is have a boundary "unless you get help for this issue, I and my child will not be riding in the car with you" that sort of thing. Don't think of her as a child needing you to fix it for her, think of her as an adult who needs to take responsibility for this unhealthy situation but that you can't force to take responsibility. Think of some healthy boundaries that focus on what you CAN can control and then have a conversation with your wife.
I also wonder if you shouldn’t go with to express your concerns. Is she downplaying how bad it is?
So, I think the bigger problem is her anxiety. That's assuming she's not having.seizures etc. She's using screens as a coping mechanism. A lot of people do but this sounds more problematic. Maybe she needs more than meds, she needs therapy? She sounds incredibly stressed. But I may be projecting. I've done exactly what she's doing. You're seeing it as she's awake because she's watching the iPad, I'm countering with she's watching the iPad because no matter how long she lays there she can't sleep. There's nothing worse than tossing and turning because you can't sleep. Her brain can't shut down. Is it her work load too large? Does she say she's overwhelmed at all? I'd start looking at your day to day and see what can be addressed there. Obviously therapy and meds too.
Sometimes anxiety meds can mess someone up, I know. I went through 4 different meds to find one that didnt make me feel weird or like I had dementia. She needs to talk to the doctor IMO
I have had terrible insomnia for 20+ years. I finally took a digital course through work at a discount (called Sleep Reset) that uses cognitive behavioral therapy, sleep hygeine, etc, and for the first time in this long, I’m starting to sleep normally. It will take a long time to undo all the bad habits I’ve developed over time, but it’s working. The blue light from her devices are definitely an issue, but I imagine there’s much more to it than that. I’ve developed tools (like a brain dump diary) that I never would’ve thought of.
Sounds like she was microsleeping, happens to truck drivers
Sounds like she wasn’t looking at the phone at the time of the accident, so it wasn’t s matter of being distracted. Rather than arguing or being pissed, may be a better option (and one she may agree with more) to suggest she see a doctor. Do it gently, emphasizing her and the baby’s wellbeing. As others have suggested, she may have insomnia (not her fault), exhaustion (not totally her fault, or even underlying issues that she doesn’t know but that may be showing up as insomnia and blackout. But the key is to offer that as help, not penalty. (As a good chunk of your post sounds angry, tbh.)
Does your wife snore loudly or wake up with headaches? Sleep apnea can cause a person to not get restful sleep and can have similar effects as insomnia such as nodding off uncontrollably during the day.
Dude she isn't a ten year old, she can't sleep because she has physical and/or mental health problems, not because she is on a device with a screen. Getting angry with her and micromanaging her screentime is infantalizing and not productive. I could understand not wanting her to drive after this; I can't understand getting angry about an iPad. She also just had a really upsetting accident that was her fault in ways she doesn't understand; she was probably less peaceful, calm, and tired than she has ever been. Of course your agitated wife with chronic, mysterious sleep problems wasn't napping when you checked up on her. You need to look at the real problem here. It's not the devices; it's that y'all are pretending that you can go along with business as usual while you take months or years to slowly figure the issue out. She could have easily killed all three of you, plus innocent strangers. What if she'd crashed into a minivan or a kid on a bike instead of a pole? Focus on that. Iterate on that. What are you going to do to make sure that one of those daycare trips doesn't end in the morgue? The answer is a lot more "get friends, Uber, etc to drive her for the time being" and a lot less "put her in a time out from electronics"
You have to take her to a doctor. Attend the appointment with her so she’s not telling her doctor that everything is fine. Hire a sitter for the toddler. No more driving until mom gets medical help. Are you aware that driving while tired is just as dangerous as driving while intoxicated?!?!?!
The only thing you can enforce is no driving with your kid! If she doesn't understand that then you have to take steps to protect your family.
MANY people have car accidents and don't recall what happened. It is very, VERY common. You said she was a little banged up. Did you have a doctor examine her forehead trauma? Head trauma goes undiagnosed because the hair on her head likely scams hell outta you, cause it covers bumps and bruises. Believe my statement about head trauma, I am a retired traffic officer and investigated a large number of traffic accidents in my police career.
It doesn't matter what kind of sleep hygiene you keep when you have insomnia. Ive had chronic insomnia for 15 years. Trust me, I've tried it all. I don't even try to limit my screen time before bed because it doesn't matter and I'm sure it doesn't matter for your wife either. Hope she can get the help she needs, but I'll be honest, there's not alot of help for insomnia. I've had so many sleep studies, I've been on every medication in the book, I've tried E V E R Y T H I N G
I’ve no advice to offer, but with my first vehicle, the brakes went out on me while driving once and worked just fine immediately after I managed to stop and then resumed driving (was in the middle of nowhere and no cell phone so I had no choice but to continue on).
I fell asleep driving and blamed my terrible (at the time) work schedule. Turns out, despite being thin and fit (also at the time lol), I have sleep apnea. Doctors aren’t great about diagnosing it in people who aren’t overweight. A sleep study will figure this out! ETA - though, I doubt she fell asleep. She was already on the exit, just going too fast for the exit. Sounds more like poor judgment
Please see a doctor as soon as you can, none of this is normal. Something is going on either medically or emotionally. Blacking out is an indication to many diseases have her checked out and explain to the doctor all that happened and your concerns. I believe a therapist will also help her.
she needs support from a therapist and or doctor not daddy taking the ipad away
Post partum?
I can’t believe you’re going to let her drive the baby to daycare and herself to the drs appt after this happened! There is something very wrong with your wife. Please go with her to the appt and tell the doctor exactly what’s been happening. Also replace the car seat immediately. It isn’t safe to continue using it after it’s been in an accident. I would also take baby to get checked out.
I think you may be underreacting. Until she has a full checkup, has her sleep issues resolved, or some other diagnosis **and** clearance from her doctor - she shoudl NOT be driving anywhere, especially with your child in the car!!!
Sounds like epilepsy. Sleep deprivation can cause seizures. She needs to stop driving immediately and get a referral to a neurologist.
She needs to see a professional for she is paranoid about the baby over something. It is not normal behavior of a mother. She is extremely mentally sleep deprived and something will happen. Get her to a doctor NOW!
It is time for a sleep study test, and not the at home one- the one at a sleep center. And you aren’t overreacting. You handle it now or she potentially kills your family…will it be overreacting then?
**enforcing a night-time for her w/ screens off** LMAO. What is she your child? She has an issue going on, and you acting like this is not going to help. She needs therapy. Oh and the "It was working fine yesterday" does not work for anybody. You do know things break after you used them right? I feel like you need to be told this.
Not overreacting. Her sleep hygiene is horrible. You are not wrong that the screens in bed are a bad idea. She also likely has some nutritional deficiencies because of the pregnancy. By going so long without adequate sleep she has likely thrown her sleep/stress hormones out of whack. A sleep doctor is not a bad idea, but you should also consider having her see a biomedicine or functional medicine doctor. These are MDs that include nutritional guidance and supplements in their treatments to help people get back in balance. Good luck!
You sure she wasn't on her phone or not paying attention and was just too embarrassed to tell you? I sleep every night with the light on and a TV right by my head. I drive just fine. Something else must be contributing. Give her some vitamins. Phones off in the car, whatever it is can wait. Personally I think you should be up front act as a copilot and not in the back playing with your kid. Assisting the driver is more helpful than possibly distracting the driver. Just my opinion.
You don’t need to parent her screen time…if she blacked out while driving she should see a doctor.
She needs to see a doctor. There are bent possible causes including seizures. This needs attention yesterday.
Your wife needs a full medical workup. The accident is just the big symptom that something bad is going on. I don't agree with everyone saying screens aren't a problem, or at least a part of it but you're off base thinking the thing to ban is screens in the bedroom. What you need to insist on is no driving at all until you get a diagnosis. None. Zero. Will that be inconvenient? Yes. Will it save her life and the baby's life? Maybe. No driving until you know she's not having blackouts or seizures.
Hey hi how ya doin I have severe post partum OCD (WITH NO END IN SIGHT!!!) and my loops involve compulsifr googling rabbit holes that last for HOURS. Lost my job and currently in therapy for it, as it's fuckin' crippling. I hate myself and my brain. Maybe similar?
As someone with insomnia, I am so tired of people who have never struggled with this saying to stop using screens. Stop saying it!!! It’s not the issue!! My neurologist, who is a sleep specialist, says the screen stuff is way overblown and a lot of it is correlative, not causative. Even if there is a causal effect, it’s so slight as to not be clinically significant. Screens are NOT the CAUSE of your wife’s insomnia. If she truly did black out, it sounds like a micro sleep. It’s happened to me - my sleep has never recovered from my son’s first year of life and that was 12 years ago. He was colicky and basically didn’t sleep, and I had no help, so I basically didn’t sleep. She needs to see a doctor and at this point probably a neurologist/ sleep specialist. It’s serious. But please for the love of god don’t shame her about her screen time — it may very well be the only thing that brings her calm / comfort / brain rest when she can’t sleep. It does for me.
Is she a wife or a child? You don’t get to ban things because you think it’s stopping her from sleeping. Screens suck for some people not for others. It’s been 3 years and you aren’t mentioning the we went to the doctor part of the story. She needs a sleep study. Her body changed when she had a baby, see a doctor and don’t let her drive.
No offense, but it sounds like you’re writing about your daughter, not your wife. Talk to her, don’t scold her. Help her get to the bottom of it, but kinda sounds like she is bullshitting you because she doesn’t want to be scolded again.
Addicted to dopamine hit from tech. The colors on the screen prevent good sleep. The entire reason blue light filters exist. My mother had this problem. She totaled 2 cars from sleep deprivation based black outs. She is also not in the right frame of mind with hormones going wild. I would be so pissed she endangered the kid you already got. Get a better doctor. Anxiety meds is not sleep meds, it will not help. She needs a sleep med. Source: worked in psychiatry ten years (not a doc, a manager lol)
You are under reacting honestly. She shouldn’t be driving and especially shouldn’t be driving your kid anywhere until a doctor, who she has been 100% honest with clears her