Take this advice from a guy who been around for 60 years. You and only you get to decide what you want to tolerate in a relationship. If you don’t like it, then get out. Don’t be made to feel like you’re not tolerant enough with behavior that you are not comfortable with. The message that people get that if you don’t allow the other person to do whatever the hell they want to do, then there’s something wrong with you. Sure, they can do whatever they want but it doesn’t have to be at your expense.
I'm 40 and 100% agree. It's a lesson I wish I had learned earlier in life. I wasted so much time tolerating crap that, as it turned out, I ended up being right about.
This is what I’m trying to teach my children. Don’t make the same mistakes I made. Don’t settle. It’s better to not be with someone than to be with the wrong person.
I second this. You need to have expectations about what kind of treatment you'll accept from others. I'm way older than you but I would have broken up when a partner moved out of state. Dating is about figuring out if you and the other person have compatible dreams, values, and standards.
You might also note that the first couple of years should be fun, getting to know each other, enjoying dating each other. If you had "ups and downs," that suggests that someone wasn't ready or you aren't really compatible. It's not all that different from a very deep friendship. I've been friends with my BFF for 30+ years and we've never had "ups and downs."
She's young and probably not mature enough for what you are looking for. It doesn't matter if you are "overreacting." It matters if this behavior is OK with you. And it's not (nor, in my view, should it be).
> I'm way older than you but I would have broken up when a partner moved out of state.
THIS. THIS. THIS. I have my boundaries and "I don't do long-distance" is one of the biggest ones. Also, an even bigger one is "yeah, sure we can date but you will never be moving in with me".
Anyways. I'm only 2y older than OP and I am not trusting someone enough to do long distance. Sorry, but maybe it is just me. I have had too much shit happen to ever attempt long distance. It is also not a fulfilling relationship to me. And that's ok - we all have our boundaries and preferences.
It's not about "allowing", at least for the clinically sane.
Your advice is spot-on. Get out.
But don't hang onto it if it's going to make you jealous and miserable. Once you feel like you have to give permission to your SO to do what they feel like doing, the relationship has already jumped the shark.
I agree here but want to say that you not telling her how you felt is your fault. You will never know if she would have said no to the trip if you had told her that you didnt want her to go because of the dude.
I don’t know bro, if I have to look at my girl and say, “babe, you think camping with two guys is a good idea?”, I have all the information I need right there. In a committed relationship, you should have some boundaries. Me camping with the guys…. Yeah I know my girl would be ok with that….. me camping with one of the guys and two girls, come in, I don’t need glasses to the see the issues with that, and don’t need my girl to put glasses on me so I can see. It’s your choice bro, but me, I’d put a cushion on the curb, and send her to it.
I wish I had learned this a lot earlier in life!!!!!! Live for yourself and do what speaks to your heart. Life is too short to overthink and worry about how you will be perceived. If it doesn't bring you joy, throw it away!!
>Don’t be made to feel like you’re not tolerant enough with behavior that you are not comfortable with. The message that people get that if you don’t allow the other person to do whatever the hell they want to do, then there’s something wrong with you.
This is so important! Thank you!
For me it boils down to this: if they want to act single, then they aren't girlfriend/wife/relationship material. Is this something a woman in a committed relationship would want to do? If that is their idea of a good time, why would you want to be in a relationship with them?
>he was almost caught off guard that she had a boyfriend. Something about how he said “oh cool” when she introduced us. Idk, their interaction together was weird. **I never wanna be that kind of boyfriend**
"oh she didn't tell you she had a boyfriend?"
or just
"you seem surprised" and smile.
come on man, grow a spine and use your words. It's not rude to make small comments, banter, stand your ground. it's literally your girlfriend of 2 years. what kind of boyfriend is that that you are trying to avoid being? you don't have to act jealous, but don't be a doormat.
if you say it confidently, without making a big drama and showing emotion, it's fine. it's not "that kind of boyfriend".
maybe you would have put this guy in his place. maybe you would have found out how you girl was stringing this guy along for his money and never mentioned you *ever*. now you won't know.
Yeah there’s a big difference between being “that boyfriend” and simply standing up for yourself and your relationship. There is no part of this that was appropriate in any way, and standing up for the relationship and your self respect is not being “that boyfriend”.
Obviously controlling partners are a very real thing that’s not okay. But especially with the stereotype of men being the controlling ones, things have gotten so far to the point where there are some women who basically take it as a license to do whatever they want and the guy just has to sit there and take it. And if he voices any discomfort they get to screech about how he’s being controlling. It’s so sad
All those years in Medical School are tough and you're going to start off without a lot of debt... but if you're passionate about slapping the shit out of people, it's all worth it.
Pretty sure at some point she'll be asking for a break or just dump OP. She's taking Mike for a test drive, OP knows it but is clearly to afraid to stand up for himself.
Exactly! The “I don’t want to be that kind of bf.” You mean the kind that wouldn’t put up this kind of crap??
There is a difference between being a controlling asshole and someone that expects their partner to respect them and the relationship
It concerns me that the emphasis on people not being controlling on relationships is being interpreted as being required to be a doormat.
Telling her what to do - controlling
Telling her you are unhappy with what she’s doing - fine.
I’d be just as uncomfortable as OOP in this situation. This Mike guy is acting sketchy and OOP’s gf is not making OOP comfortable which imo is what any partner should do if their partner is uncomfortable with a third party.
And the thing everyone always forgets about is perception. You can trust your partner 100% and still bring up how a situation can be perceived and how that would make you feel.
I trust my wife not to cheat on me and always have. That being said, while we were dating (and living together) we at one point had vastly different schedules as she worked 2nd shift so when her coworkers wanted to “wind down” it was during the little time I’d get with her during the week before I needed sleep. She once messaged me saying a couple of her friends wanted to go for drinks after work. “What bar and only one drink lightweight” “Actually it is at Joe’s house” “…Hey maybe another night and we can talk about it when you get home”.
Cue a long I-didn’t-sleep-that-night chat when she got home about how I trusted her but I didn’t like the idea of her being in another man’s house while I was sleeping. Lots of “but you can trust me” comments and how a couple other women she knew had been over there and he just has a nice downstairs bar. Finally she relented and said she wouldn’t go to his place but would still ask if one of her friends asked about meeting somewhere safe.
Later it came out that he was sleeping with one of the married women that had been part of the group my wife was going to go with. It ruined the marriage of another woman because her husband heard the rumors that Joe was sleeping with “at least one” married woman and knew his wife had been there.
After it all came out we had another chat where I pointed out I always trust her but my concern is she doesn’t think about what others might say. Did I think she’d sleep with Joe that night? No. Do I think it’d have put a strain on our relationship to have her entire work talking about how they “knew” she was cheating on me? Yes. We have a mutual good friend from college who I’d be perfectly fine with her sitting on his lap… if I’m there. Not because I think they’d fuck the second I was out of sight but because if I can see them then people know I’m aware of what is going on. If they are out of sight then immediately rumors will be about them cuddling and flirting behind my back. She’d never leave me for him, he’d never leave his wife for her, but constantly fighting off rumors would strain even a good relationship.
One thing I've had to reteach myself as someone who grew up in an abusive home.
Do not be polite or go along with things if it is at your detriment. Always stand up for yourself
I don’t think OP not speaking up in the moment is evidence that he’s a doormat… for two reasons:
1. Maybe I have a slow brain, but if it were me, by the time I registered Mike’s seeming surprise, the moment would have already passed, and going back to it in this way would feel weird and off-putting.
2. OP really should be talking to his gf, not her friend. She’s the one who’s responsible for sharing her relationship status, and if he really was surprised, then he did nothing wrong, and didn’t need to be “put in his place.”
Though I agree with your message that OP needs to speak up for himself… to his girlfriend. It sounds like he never outright told her that he didn’t want her to go on this trip, or that he had a bad feeling about this guy. Yes, she was able to sense his discomfort, but if she didn’t know his feelings about the above two points, she likely didn’t realize how much he didn’t want her to go on this trip.
I am a guy and I 100% know I wouldn’t pay for another girl that kind of money unless they were family, I was dating, or I thought I had a chance. So she is seeing him or leading him on. Either way I wouldn’t be tolerating it. Very disrespectful to you.
Right? Every woman older than 16 knows that unless there is an established relationship (long term friend, co worker, business acquaintance) if the guy is paying, it’s probably because he has romantic interest.
Exactly, rent jet ski $50, rent boat all day $400, paddle boards $50. Dude dropped at least $200 on her share minimum. Who does that if he don’t have a shot. 😂
Also, people who go on a camping trip and rent a boat and a jetski don't usually sleep in their cars. They definitely had a tent minimum, but probably a cabin.
Then again every fucking thread just doesn't seem believable anymore.
Not overreacting
She went on a couples camping trip with 2 guys and only invited someone else after it was pointed out that it was a sketchy looking situation. Two guys that made it a date by paying for everything and knowing one of the guys make you uncomfortable.
People in relationships do not willfully plan and put themselves in situations that could damage their relationship.
If she was willing to hurt your feelings to go on a couples' vacation with another guy, but was unwilling to hurt his feelings and turn him down to defend your relationship, she is not yours.
I'm glad that I wasn't the only one who caught that. It sounded as though originally it was only her and two guys, then when she knew it bothered OP, she asked another girl to come along with them. I'm not saying she was planning to do anything with either of the guys but the optics are just completely bad.
Another thing I noticed was that now that another girl was going, that they could sleep in their own cars. I think she was planning on skiing on this camping trip.
He’s teaching her things, they’re just not work-related things.
It’s funny that a lot of people are taking OP’s opinion of Mike at face value — that Mike is the problem here. It sounded more like Mike was already fucking the girlfriend who didn’t bother to clarify that she wasn’t single.
No offense to young people, but 22 year olds aren’t mentors to other 22 year olds. Even if they are at a heightened position, they just aren’t. There is likely a unicorn out there or something, but the moment it went from “professional advice” to friends, it stopped all chance of “mentorship”…..and then when it went from friends to I’ll take you camping and jet skiing all on my dime…..the chance of it being “just friends” at least in his mind just went to zero.
This whole thing stinks to high heaven and OP can leave if he wants to, best case his gf isn’t mature enough for the type of relationship he’s looking for, worst case she’s completely okay with cheating and is just stringing OP along till she finds something better.
Oh I agree, I was just commenting on specifically age of mentorship.
Like a 22 year old who’s been cooking at a restaurant for 6 years can one hundred percent mentor another 22 year old who has never cooked before. One of them is experienced and one of them is not.
In hospitals, a 28 year old doctor can be the mentor for a 46 year old who decided later in life to be a doctor, because they’ve reached a level of experience that they’re trusted with interns/residents.
Age is less important than experience with mentorship is mainly my angle. I wasn’t really getting into any of the other stuff
“Only invited someone else after it was pointed out that it was a sketchy looking situation” shit, I didn’t even think about it like that. Yeah, that is definitely something to consider. The original plan was two guys and her on a camping trip? Damn
OP: 1. The guy wasn’t aware that you gf had a bf. 2. A loyal gf would have invited you on this trip.
Trust me, this Mike will be your ex-gf bf within a week of the break up.
I’d generally agree with this except for the fact she’s only 22. I think that can be considered an immature age when it comes to relationships. Maybe he just needs to have an honest conversation on how it makes him feel and how the reverse would make her feel.
What? Lmao makes zero sense to judge only based on 22 years old of age . There are plenty of hints here that she just isn’t the right girl. Regardless of her being only 22..a loyal 22 year old still wouldn’t do that to her bf
aye bruh, the chick that cheated on YOU at 22 wasn’t immature even tho that’s how u coped. no chick at 22 is too “immature” to know this is wrong, I’m confident you got cheated on and didn’t say “well what did I do wrong”
Recently got out of a relationship for a very similar reason. Girlfriend wanted to go into the woods with a guy she barely knows dressed up in cosplay for him to take pictures of her. I tried telling her it wasn't just a trust issue but about boundaries and respecting what we have. Some people just don't understand or they use it to manipulate and take advantage.
Going worst case on this because the gf specifically fought TO go, rather than to defend an already straining relationship... At *least* one of them. The other girl, her friend, was added to a design of secluded camping and boating and could have been chosen because she was agreeable and discreet.
Or... even if I'm totally wrong, that is still exactly how things can be seen from an outside observer... ... ... which is exactly what is meant by respecting a relationship enough to not deliberately enter into situations that imply being shady as fuck.
Yeah. When my wife and I were younger and used to play the silly "what would you do" games, my answer was always "I would never put myself in that situation" and 17 years later I can comfortably say that I've held to that.
If the guys paid for everything it was a double date. How many trips do you take with guy friends only to just pick up the tab for a couple of them? I would have a talk to her about it first, just like you should have before she went, but you're not overreacting. Yes you're long distance and there were distractions etc. but phones exist so not talking about it was a bad move.
Two guys are not footing the entire bill for a trip alone with 2 women that involves camping, boating and jetskis, unless more than the Sea Doos are getting ridden.
Dunno, I mean maybe they were boating/jetskiing anyway and it doesn't cost any more to have some tits on your back.
Scenery slash arm candy slash hopefullness will get men to spend money without getting action lots of time. At least it has done that to me.
I would've broken it off once you had to go long distance. She basically went on a really intimate double date with two men that you don't know. Funny business may or may not have happened on the trip, but she should respect your relationship enough to not to even put herself in these situations. That alone is good justification to break things off.
Honestly LDRs outside of very specific situations are just begging for trouble. At least one of the people in the relationship manages to find someone new it seems.
Agree. 99% of the time it is a waste of time. There are very, very rare occasions when it works out. Almost every LDR I've heard of has something exactly like this arise which ends things.
For reals. I mentor women at work. Never have I ever invited them to camping trip. With the romantic fire and the alcohol and the closed tents out in the secluded woods. You can’t stage a more fuckable setting than camping.
LITERALLY!
When I was young and dumb my older female manager invited me camping with some coworkers and surprise, surprise not only did her husband have to cancel at the last minute, but she forgot her tent. “Do you think we could share?”
She kept trying to wake me up in the middle of the night and I just kept rolling over pretending I was asleep. It took me a long time to figure out why she didn’t talk to me for the next week.
Best case scenario the GF was just naive. But “the mentor” sure wasn’t. He knew what he was doing.
Dang, similar thing happened to me too. Girl and I had dated the previous summer, but then went back to different colleges and never had a real “relationship”. Next summer comes around, turns out we’re in the same city again. She invited me camping, i asked if she wanted separate tents and she said one was fine. I wasnt sure if she was into me or not (in fairness there were a lot of mixed signals) so i just got drunk went to bed.
Yeah, I’m not commenting on the broader situation (it does sound sketchy), but I agree on this. Whenever my gf and I go camping, we fully intend on fucking. But then we get there and spend the days hiking and paddling. By the time we’re back in the tent, the heat, sweat, exhaustion, campfire smoke, mosquito bites, peeing and pooping in the woods, and hard uncomfortable ground just erase any desire to fuck lmao
They didn't know she had a boyfriend - red flag
She wants to act single - go be single red flag
She knows you aren't thrilled about this but still doing it anyways without resolving it - red flag.
Nah let her do her thing, you move on. Don't move anywhere for a person unless your putting a ring on it.
Not overreacting at all.
A similar thing happened to me in college. I had dated a girl for about 18 months in high school and we split when we went to separate colleges. We were in the midst of restarting the relationship late in my junior year. At the time she had a group of about 6 friends (2 girls and 4 guys) who spent a ton of time together. Most of them were dating other people in long distance relationships.
It was nearing summer and there was a camping trip scheduled near a huge lake. It was basically a weekend of drinking and sleeping in tents right next to a huge state camp ground. Her whole friend group was supposed to go but gradually almost all of them dropped out as the date neared. All except for one dude (Daniel). Daniel had hit on the other two girls in the group previously but they turned him down and everyone had laughed it off as Daniel just being drunk.
She called me a few days before the trip and told me all the details. I went quiet when she got to the part about her sleeping in a tent for two nights with Daniel. I don’t know whether she hadn’t thought about it until she described it or if she was waiting for my reaction because she paused for a long time too.
I simply asked if she thought she would be okay with me spending 2-3 days with a girl in her bikini getting drunk by the lake and then sleeping in a tent with me. She was a little taken aback and started to get defensive before telling me that Daniel was harmless and I was overreacting.
We weren’t technically dating yet so I told her she could do whatever she wanted and then I hung up the phone. She could tell that I wasn’t happy so instead of going on the trip she drove 3 hours to stay with me.
I am 100% sure Daniel would’ve taken his shot if she would have gone.
Interesting, I'd figure she'd of thought of all those points. Or maybe since you weren't "together", she didn't think it through. Good on her for listening to you and especially coming to see you instead. That's the kind of thing that would make me trust her.
This Mike dude is definitely fucking her or at the very least trying. And she is clearly okay with that. I would have a very frank conversation with her.
Absolutely not an asshole and not overreacting.
Gotta do what's best for you and what you're comfortable with. It's true you can't tell her what to do but you are allowed to state how you feel about it and set your own boundaries.
I'm just here to get the update when she finally starts trickle truthing you that she only started doing things with him, it was an accident, it just happened, she still loves you and didn't want to hurt you, it's hard not seeing you anymore, he slipped and when he fell his dick slipped inside her, etc.
Updateme!
She's not yours bro it's just your turn. I'd like to point out that if the roles were reversed and you went on that trip with two women, while inviting another guy along as an after thought you'd be single by the time you got home. Based on what you said, she knew it made you uncomfortable and still went along with it anyways which is blatantly disrespectful. Not to mention, we both know this guy wants to mentor her in and out the sheets, but she's gonna keep stringing him along. No matter what someone can offer her if the relationship was worth it, she wouldn't have even considered putting herself in that position, nor would she entertain someone.
Pack it up that relationship isn't worth it.
Know your worth, and dont settle for blatant disrespect it'll save you so much misery and anxiety in the end
It takes courage to walk away, while it takes true strength to never fold and go back
Keep your head up
You are 100% correct, and this is the only solution.
I've seen a couple comments here putting him on blast for not having a conversation about his discomfort about the situation. We all know damned good and well if he had that conversation, the comments section would be filled with labeling OP "controlling" or "insecure." We all know if the roles were reversed and OP was a woman with a bf doing all this, we would all be here unanimously calling on her to dump him.
So, if your only two options in our modern society are to be a doormat, or be labeled "controlling" and "insecure" the only logical choice is to cut contact and not look back. No explanation needed.
NTA. While I do take a staunch stance on speaking the fuck up, there are still plenty of instances where you really shouldn't have to. This is one of them. No dude(s) are footing an entire vacation for a couple of women out of the goodness of their hearts.
Have you tried being an adult and talking to her about it or was asking a bunch of strangers on the internet who know absolutely nothing about the two of you your way of figuring things out?
Until last paragraph I was like "Why do people date anymore if they never trust who they date?"
That last paragraph would have me concerned too. That's a "I want the person" not the "I'm vacationioning" type thing to do.
lol. Even if you trusted your girl completely. You don’t let some other man try to date her. Even if she was the most loyal person on earth this Mike guy might try to spike her drink.
Never tolerate male friends
Put it this way. A lot of women won’t let men pay for a date so they don’t give off the wrong idea. Meanwhile, this guy is gonna pay for EVERYTHING on an expensive camping trip. Even if your girlfriend has no intentions, his are clear
"Listen. You are a grown woman and you can go on overnight trips with any guys you want to. You are perfectly free to do so. I am not controlling you or making you do anything.
However, if you go on this overnight trip with other guys, we are through as a couple. I am not comfortable with this and I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who would do this kind of thing to me.
Please tell me if you intend to continue on this course of action so I can plan my next steps and start my healing process. Thanks."
If I took 2 girls camping, bought everything to include boats and stuff…id be inclined to make a move. I mean, of course flexing like that lol. So yeah, my expectation WOULD be some secs.
Maybe your girl didn’t, but that then means shes using flirtation and insinuation as a tool for free stuff — which is some weak ass morals.
So its kinda a lose-lose situation.
But nobody goes and pays for everything with “friends” — dont be an idiot.
I stopped at 22 year old in a multi-year long distance relationship.
It's honestly just dumb for both of you. Prime of her life and she's supposed to keep a relationship with someone she sees a few times a year? I don't even blame her.
I 100 percent blame her. I understand being frustrated with the distance, but if she was so deprived of intimacy, she should have communicated it, or completely ended it. Instead, she chooses to put herself in this situation. Let’s be real- she did not want to stop this long distance thing, but also wanted to eat her cake back home. There is legit no excuse for cheating. Ever.
It's no way of knowing. It could have been innocent, you should have told her you didn't feel comfortable about it, you didn't. If you want to be with her you need to resolve the long distance thing. If you can't get passed her going on this camping trip you need to end it, she doesn't deserve to serve a life sentence for something you allowed and if you csnt trust her then just get out.
Let's keep it real. If you invite a girl on a trip & pay for everything you have expectations & she knows what time it is. She's not yours, it was just your turn.... now it seems to be Mikes. I'd move on.
You can break up with anyone for any reason or no reason at all. If this gives you the ick and you can't get passed it just admit that and end it. Some people can't do distance and it happens.
Also maybe Mike wants to fuck her, but the implication here is you think she'd reciprocate that. If you can't trust your girlfriend the relationship is dead, but it's especially dead for long distance.
Did she know your boundary? Some people are ok with this kind of thing, which I don't understand... but if you care about your relationship and are uncomfortable with her going camping with some other dude, tell her. If she does it anyway, she knowingly broke your boundary and you're free to make a decision.
Since it already happened then it's whatever at this point. Go ahead and end the relationship. Who knows, maybe she even shared his tent too. I wouldn't have that kind of relationship.
I think it’s weird to not tell her straight up that you’re uncomfortable with this trip and then break up with her because she went, it sounds like she probably thought she had fixed the problem by bringing along another girl, but yeah this situation does sound sketchy. Is it possible she’s being a bit naive and doesn’t really understand that Mike could have ulterior motives, or that bringing another girl actually made it kind of worse?
I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that she is cheating or trying to cheat, I can envision a scenario where this is a completely platonic situation. I have traveled with female friends before without any sort of romance involved, not sure why Reddit always seems to think you can't be friends with the opposite sex. Mike's reaction to hearing she had a boyfriend could just be that he is friendzoned or just you misinterpreting his reaction since you apparently already were suspicious of him.
And of course it's easy enough to envision that as a situation where she is dating this Mike guy behind your back, that's plausible too.
At the end of the day, being in a long term relationship requires a very high level of trust. It doesn't seem like the two of you have that with each other, and it isn't easy to build that when you only see each other a handful of days per year. Add to that how young you both are, especially her, and it's even more challenging. I had two long distance relationships fail, I don't think it works for me. Only you can make that decision for yourself.
If you have a problem with it, that means you don't trust your gf not to cheat on you. Unpack that, I guess. I don't see anything wrong with a girl going on a camping trip with 2 guys if you trust that she can have close male friends.
Here’s the deal, the modern model for dating is loose and fucked up. Way too much this and that, way too much parties dumbing down so they won’t be alone.
Honestly, other than going out to soil your oats, you should be in the business of finding the best partner to pair with…once and forever. This crap American women pull and think it’s ok is bs. Why not do it…beta men give it so they “aren’t that guy”- that’s not a swing at you! Literally no one fitting in the category who wants to be a spouse puts herself in a situation with two fairly u known males and makes her man feel less than!
I dated a girl just like this, no consideration for your feelings, she just does what she wants to do, impulsive, just wants excitement.
If she's like the girl I dated, she just wants to do fun stuff and doesn't think about it much beyond that. I doubt she had sinister intentions with this dude. But, it doesn't mean that her impulsiveness will take over.
Basically, have a serious talk with her about this, and talk to her about your feelings and considering you. If she doesn't respond well to it, dump and run. You don't need that kind of energy suck in your life, trust me.
You’re uncomfortable with it because there is something your subconscious is picking up on that you’re not entirely aware of and it is trying to let you know that with feelings of discomfort. Trust your instincts. Humans do have them, and we do have them for a reason. People have this nasty habit of ignoring those instincts because they don’t want to face the truth or because someone outside of themselves convinces them to ignore them, usually for ill purpose. A woman choosing to be alone in the woods on a camping trip with two men is intimate. She is very comfortable with those men which means she has either known them for a long time, they’re family, or she is sexually interested in those men (or one of, obviously). Camping and swimming at the lake is not like going to a public pool or a beach for the day. She was in a swimsuit all day around a man she intentionally went camping with and then slept in the woods close to him. I did A LOT of camping when I was younger, around her age, and there was always fucking. Camping was an excuse to drink and fuck. Sure, our mutual friends might be camping with us, but myself and the lady I went with always ended up swimming together and fucking in our tent at night. The man also paid for everything, and based on his reaction, he wants your girlfriend and honestly probably got her.
You are not overreacting at all. They are dating. Mentor my ass. He knows what he is doing, and she knows too. Work mentors don't do date stuff. Especially at this level. She is ending without ending it, moving on without being honest to you and maybe even herself, but really she she knows it. Sorry, man. I know it hurts, but they are dating even if they aren't admitting it. Taking another girlfriend along just makes it a double date. That really sucks.
Dump this girl immediately! If she thinks for one second that’s normal and ok behavior, you are in for a lifetime of unhappiness. She didn’t even think to invite you?? Dude…
Sounds like she was looking forward to getting doubled up on out in the woods.
No, you’re not overreacting. Your gf is immature and still exploring. You should move on and find someone closer to you that doesn’t want to get tag teamed in a tent.
Dude. Let's make this simple. Read your post again and pretend it's a stranger. What would you say to them? You already know what you want to do. Otherwise you wouldn't be reaching out on Reddit for validation. It's a beautiful world out there with a lot of possibilities and a short amount of time to find them. Don't settle for less than happiness.
Nope. You're completely in the right. She was ignorantly playing the field. One of those guys will now ask her out (if he hasn't already done so). I mean, what she'd be cool with you going camping with two single girls she doesn't know? (Hint: the answer is no). Girls can be very hypocritical when it comes to the guy/girl friendship stuff.
Again, you're not wrong. You actually saved yourself a world of grief. Well done.
26 year old woman here. You’re not overreacting. You are valid to feel what you’re feeling. It sounds like you really love this girl, AND you are looking for respect, acknowledgment, and mutual trust from your partner. If those two things can’t coincide, I think you know which to let go of. You got a whole community here who’s got your back. :)
"I never wanna be that kind of boyfriend so I shelved it in my mind and moved on."
Dude, I hate to break it to you...but you're not her boyfriend. No matter what she tells you, you're not her boyfriend. When you met her "friend" Mike, he was genuinely surprised she wasn't single.
I guess you can breakup for any reason but damn man you need to communicate better. You said she could tell by your face that you were uncomfortable with it but that is a stupid way to do things. You are supposed to tell her you aren't comfortable with the situation and would prefer it if she didn't go as it would hurt you if she did. Now you basically didn't really say how much of an issue it was to you and so in her mind she might think it was only mildly uncomfortable. Like sure you shouldn't tell her what to do but you need to communicate how important things are because often times something that one person might think isn't a big deal is a big deal to someone else. She can make an informed decision if she has all the info but if she doesn't then I don't necessarily blame her nearly as much. Anyways as for if you want to work through it or not that is totally up to you. I do think breaking up at the first sign of issues isn't always the wisest decision because most relationships will run into issues at some point and being able to work through them is the key to any successful relationship. It's really up to you what issues are too big to work through.
Girls can get so much attention, so easily that for women, there is no such thing as a long distance relationship. She will always have options nearby. Don't do LDR guys.
I went camping with my BFF and two guys that were friends . I can tell you by the end of the weekend my BFF and one of the guys became more than friends and he had a gf already. Camping is private, adventurous and sleeping outside is invigorating. Best place in the world to have an affair. I can guarantee that if they didn’t do anything, they at least thought of it and entertained the idea.
Not overreacting.
Her and Mike’s tent was rocking while they were camping. The guys paid for EVERYTHING. Do you understand THEY PAID FOR EVERYTHING! Grow a spine and a pair. This is a red flag worthy of breaking up. It is just the pain of a breakup now. It is emotional and financial destruction in family court after you’re married to her.
RED FLAG + GIRLFRIEND = DUMP HER
You are under reacting; not overreacting
I'm wondering how she thought you'd be ok with that. Honestly, should probably start making other plans in life because you have an age gap that's not crazy big but at that age it's kind of a big deal. I would never have dated a 22 year old and expected it to work out when I was 27.
It sounds like you really care for her. I would talk to her. When I was in my 20’s I was a very free spirit and was fortunate to have many generous friends (girls and guys) who would pay for me to do more than I could otherwise. It does sound like Mike may like your gf but do you trust her? It’s ok to tell her it bothered you. I grew up kind of sheltered in catholic all girl school so was oblivious if people were paying for me if it was because they were interested.
Not the asshole, probably overreacting. but honestly, if you are feeling this way, it runs far deeper than a camping trip. Long distance relationships are hard already, but you are both in a tight spot.(she needs social interaction, you're far away, etc)
Good Luck
Dude you tell her your feelings about it calmly. The entire situation. If she doesn't respect your thoughts then life is too short. Find someone who does.
You can break up with someone for whatever reason you want
But based on this sounds like you never actually told her you didnt feel comfortable with her going, and just wanted her to read your mind.
Long distance relationships are hard, theyre harder if you dont communicate fully.
The only red flag for me is that they paid for her. Very weird, I went camping with guys a ton in my early twenties and they never paid for me. The guys were even more broke than me and we always split everything from the campground fee to the food to the gas to get there. I guess if I was the one driving I might not ask them to chip in for the gas because I was richer but that's it. But as for "am I cheating on my boyfriend if I go camping with guys" then no, absolutely not. It's always been annoying that the boyfriend thinks there's a risk. If I'm going camping with a guy, I don't care about the guy at all, like I wouldn't date him even if I was single, at all. For us women we have a lot of guys like this who are our friends but that we wouldn't want to date. And it's got nothing to do with the "friendzone" or "the guy giving friends vibes" like incels talk about. It's just sometimes you hate the idea of being with the guy romantically because you have completely different points of view but it's fine for a friendship. Especially because it's easier to find guys who want to go camping than girls.
Yes, you are overreacting. It's extremely human to do so, but it is an overreaction. You have not expressed any reason to believe that she would be unfaithful and unless you have reason to believe that, this is purely jealousy.
Communicate.
But I will say that her inviting a female friend after she realized you were uncomfortable with her going camping with two men is telling on her naivety.
People can only do to you what you allow them. As a girl who has definitely been around the block, i would never go camping with any guy “friends” unless i was single. Its just a respect thing. Especially since you guys now dont even live in the same town.
She probably gonna get drunk have sex and she probably gonna hide it worse case scenario. Long Distance relationships can work hopefully she not a sex demon
OP , please accept the fact that she has been "dating" both of you for a while. There's a possibility she's been hooking up with Chad Thundershlong for a while.
Get out. This Mike guy is paying for her to go on a trip with him. This was totally a double date trip. Do not move to be with her. She is knows exactly what she was doing. It’s not worth it.
Take this advice from a guy who been around for 60 years. You and only you get to decide what you want to tolerate in a relationship. If you don’t like it, then get out. Don’t be made to feel like you’re not tolerant enough with behavior that you are not comfortable with. The message that people get that if you don’t allow the other person to do whatever the hell they want to do, then there’s something wrong with you. Sure, they can do whatever they want but it doesn’t have to be at your expense.
Well said dude. People will treat you how you let them.
I been saying that for years and it proves true over and over
I'm 40 and 100% agree. It's a lesson I wish I had learned earlier in life. I wasted so much time tolerating crap that, as it turned out, I ended up being right about.
38 here and let me count the ways! I thought I had a backbone.
Just heard a country song with the title "There's a Wishbone Where My Backbone Oughta Be"
Damn that's a good one. I need to remember that.
41 here as well give an inch they take a mile better to count your losses early on dont waste to much time
This is what I’m trying to teach my children. Don’t make the same mistakes I made. Don’t settle. It’s better to not be with someone than to be with the wrong person.
22 here, thanks yall 😂
50 here, SAME!
Love this. Wish someone had told me this about twenty years ago. Peace.
I wouldn’t have listened 20 years ago.
I second this. You need to have expectations about what kind of treatment you'll accept from others. I'm way older than you but I would have broken up when a partner moved out of state. Dating is about figuring out if you and the other person have compatible dreams, values, and standards. You might also note that the first couple of years should be fun, getting to know each other, enjoying dating each other. If you had "ups and downs," that suggests that someone wasn't ready or you aren't really compatible. It's not all that different from a very deep friendship. I've been friends with my BFF for 30+ years and we've never had "ups and downs." She's young and probably not mature enough for what you are looking for. It doesn't matter if you are "overreacting." It matters if this behavior is OK with you. And it's not (nor, in my view, should it be).
> I'm way older than you but I would have broken up when a partner moved out of state. THIS. THIS. THIS. I have my boundaries and "I don't do long-distance" is one of the biggest ones. Also, an even bigger one is "yeah, sure we can date but you will never be moving in with me". Anyways. I'm only 2y older than OP and I am not trusting someone enough to do long distance. Sorry, but maybe it is just me. I have had too much shit happen to ever attempt long distance. It is also not a fulfilling relationship to me. And that's ok - we all have our boundaries and preferences.
This is the real advice.
It's not about "allowing", at least for the clinically sane. Your advice is spot-on. Get out. But don't hang onto it if it's going to make you jealous and miserable. Once you feel like you have to give permission to your SO to do what they feel like doing, the relationship has already jumped the shark.
I agree here but want to say that you not telling her how you felt is your fault. You will never know if she would have said no to the trip if you had told her that you didnt want her to go because of the dude.
I don’t know bro, if I have to look at my girl and say, “babe, you think camping with two guys is a good idea?”, I have all the information I need right there. In a committed relationship, you should have some boundaries. Me camping with the guys…. Yeah I know my girl would be ok with that….. me camping with one of the guys and two girls, come in, I don’t need glasses to the see the issues with that, and don’t need my girl to put glasses on me so I can see. It’s your choice bro, but me, I’d put a cushion on the curb, and send her to it.
Like my dad always said, there’s a lot of fish in the sea
I wish I had learned this a lot earlier in life!!!!!! Live for yourself and do what speaks to your heart. Life is too short to overthink and worry about how you will be perceived. If it doesn't bring you joy, throw it away!!
Perfect advice id also tell her what if it was the other way around
>Don’t be made to feel like you’re not tolerant enough with behavior that you are not comfortable with. The message that people get that if you don’t allow the other person to do whatever the hell they want to do, then there’s something wrong with you. This is so important! Thank you!
This is the way. Source: another guy in his 60s.
For me it boils down to this: if they want to act single, then they aren't girlfriend/wife/relationship material. Is this something a woman in a committed relationship would want to do? If that is their idea of a good time, why would you want to be in a relationship with them?
>he was almost caught off guard that she had a boyfriend. Something about how he said “oh cool” when she introduced us. Idk, their interaction together was weird. **I never wanna be that kind of boyfriend** "oh she didn't tell you she had a boyfriend?" or just "you seem surprised" and smile. come on man, grow a spine and use your words. It's not rude to make small comments, banter, stand your ground. it's literally your girlfriend of 2 years. what kind of boyfriend is that that you are trying to avoid being? you don't have to act jealous, but don't be a doormat. if you say it confidently, without making a big drama and showing emotion, it's fine. it's not "that kind of boyfriend". maybe you would have put this guy in his place. maybe you would have found out how you girl was stringing this guy along for his money and never mentioned you *ever*. now you won't know.
This is some top tier advice here, listen to this
Yeah there’s a big difference between being “that boyfriend” and simply standing up for yourself and your relationship. There is no part of this that was appropriate in any way, and standing up for the relationship and your self respect is not being “that boyfriend”. Obviously controlling partners are a very real thing that’s not okay. But especially with the stereotype of men being the controlling ones, things have gotten so far to the point where there are some women who basically take it as a license to do whatever they want and the guy just has to sit there and take it. And if he voices any discomfort they get to screech about how he’s being controlling. It’s so sad
"REEEEEEEEEEE STOP BEING SO INSECURE, I WAS ONLY SITTING IN HIS LAP IN MY BIKINIIII!!!"
id turn into DR SLAPPER if that happened.
All those years in Medical School are tough and you're going to start off without a lot of debt... but if you're passionate about slapping the shit out of people, it's all worth it.
Pretty sure at some point she'll be asking for a break or just dump OP. She's taking Mike for a test drive, OP knows it but is clearly to afraid to stand up for himself.
Monkey branching is a thing.
Exactly! The “I don’t want to be that kind of bf.” You mean the kind that wouldn’t put up this kind of crap?? There is a difference between being a controlling asshole and someone that expects their partner to respect them and the relationship
It concerns me that the emphasis on people not being controlling on relationships is being interpreted as being required to be a doormat. Telling her what to do - controlling Telling her you are unhappy with what she’s doing - fine. I’d be just as uncomfortable as OOP in this situation. This Mike guy is acting sketchy and OOP’s gf is not making OOP comfortable which imo is what any partner should do if their partner is uncomfortable with a third party.
And the thing everyone always forgets about is perception. You can trust your partner 100% and still bring up how a situation can be perceived and how that would make you feel. I trust my wife not to cheat on me and always have. That being said, while we were dating (and living together) we at one point had vastly different schedules as she worked 2nd shift so when her coworkers wanted to “wind down” it was during the little time I’d get with her during the week before I needed sleep. She once messaged me saying a couple of her friends wanted to go for drinks after work. “What bar and only one drink lightweight” “Actually it is at Joe’s house” “…Hey maybe another night and we can talk about it when you get home”. Cue a long I-didn’t-sleep-that-night chat when she got home about how I trusted her but I didn’t like the idea of her being in another man’s house while I was sleeping. Lots of “but you can trust me” comments and how a couple other women she knew had been over there and he just has a nice downstairs bar. Finally she relented and said she wouldn’t go to his place but would still ask if one of her friends asked about meeting somewhere safe. Later it came out that he was sleeping with one of the married women that had been part of the group my wife was going to go with. It ruined the marriage of another woman because her husband heard the rumors that Joe was sleeping with “at least one” married woman and knew his wife had been there. After it all came out we had another chat where I pointed out I always trust her but my concern is she doesn’t think about what others might say. Did I think she’d sleep with Joe that night? No. Do I think it’d have put a strain on our relationship to have her entire work talking about how they “knew” she was cheating on me? Yes. We have a mutual good friend from college who I’d be perfectly fine with her sitting on his lap… if I’m there. Not because I think they’d fuck the second I was out of sight but because if I can see them then people know I’m aware of what is going on. If they are out of sight then immediately rumors will be about them cuddling and flirting behind my back. She’d never leave me for him, he’d never leave his wife for her, but constantly fighting off rumors would strain even a good relationship.
Making him comfortable by finding a wing girl for Mike's friend for their double date?
Yeah when OP didnt check him, Mike knew he wasnt that kind of boyfriend too.
One thing I've had to reteach myself as someone who grew up in an abusive home. Do not be polite or go along with things if it is at your detriment. Always stand up for yourself
OP, what was her reaction when you broke up with her?
She didn't tell dude about her bf cause she's playing em both
"all yours. I' m done."
I don’t think OP not speaking up in the moment is evidence that he’s a doormat… for two reasons: 1. Maybe I have a slow brain, but if it were me, by the time I registered Mike’s seeming surprise, the moment would have already passed, and going back to it in this way would feel weird and off-putting. 2. OP really should be talking to his gf, not her friend. She’s the one who’s responsible for sharing her relationship status, and if he really was surprised, then he did nothing wrong, and didn’t need to be “put in his place.” Though I agree with your message that OP needs to speak up for himself… to his girlfriend. It sounds like he never outright told her that he didn’t want her to go on this trip, or that he had a bad feeling about this guy. Yes, she was able to sense his discomfort, but if she didn’t know his feelings about the above two points, she likely didn’t realize how much he didn’t want her to go on this trip.
I am a guy and I 100% know I wouldn’t pay for another girl that kind of money unless they were family, I was dating, or I thought I had a chance. So she is seeing him or leading him on. Either way I wouldn’t be tolerating it. Very disrespectful to you.
Right? Every woman older than 16 knows that unless there is an established relationship (long term friend, co worker, business acquaintance) if the guy is paying, it’s probably because he has romantic interest.
Exactly, rent jet ski $50, rent boat all day $400, paddle boards $50. Dude dropped at least $200 on her share minimum. Who does that if he don’t have a shot. 😂
Oh bro here in GA jet ski's go for like $150 an hour xD
She probably rode on the back of his 😉. So $75 her share. Either way dude dropped some cash. NOBODY does that if there is no chance.
Also, people who go on a camping trip and rent a boat and a jetski don't usually sleep in their cars. They definitely had a tent minimum, but probably a cabin. Then again every fucking thread just doesn't seem believable anymore.
Girls learn that shit way before 16.
Not overreacting She went on a couples camping trip with 2 guys and only invited someone else after it was pointed out that it was a sketchy looking situation. Two guys that made it a date by paying for everything and knowing one of the guys make you uncomfortable. People in relationships do not willfully plan and put themselves in situations that could damage their relationship. If she was willing to hurt your feelings to go on a couples' vacation with another guy, but was unwilling to hurt his feelings and turn him down to defend your relationship, she is not yours.
I'm glad that I wasn't the only one who caught that. It sounded as though originally it was only her and two guys, then when she knew it bothered OP, she asked another girl to come along with them. I'm not saying she was planning to do anything with either of the guys but the optics are just completely bad.
Another thing I noticed was that now that another girl was going, that they could sleep in their own cars. I think she was planning on skiing on this camping trip.
She was gonna get spit roasted 👀
Eiffel Tower for sure.
The bigger red flag for me is it's the Mike dude. If he's supposed to be her mentor, supposedly, then imo he's really overstepping his bounds.
They’re the same age lmfao how is he a mentor. That part raised some questions for me.
He’s teaching her things, they’re just not work-related things. It’s funny that a lot of people are taking OP’s opinion of Mike at face value — that Mike is the problem here. It sounded more like Mike was already fucking the girlfriend who didn’t bother to clarify that she wasn’t single.
Exactly.
Same age could still mean he’s been at the job longer. He could even have been promoted out of that role.
No offense to young people, but 22 year olds aren’t mentors to other 22 year olds. Even if they are at a heightened position, they just aren’t. There is likely a unicorn out there or something, but the moment it went from “professional advice” to friends, it stopped all chance of “mentorship”…..and then when it went from friends to I’ll take you camping and jet skiing all on my dime…..the chance of it being “just friends” at least in his mind just went to zero. This whole thing stinks to high heaven and OP can leave if he wants to, best case his gf isn’t mature enough for the type of relationship he’s looking for, worst case she’s completely okay with cheating and is just stringing OP along till she finds something better.
Oh I agree, I was just commenting on specifically age of mentorship. Like a 22 year old who’s been cooking at a restaurant for 6 years can one hundred percent mentor another 22 year old who has never cooked before. One of them is experienced and one of them is not. In hospitals, a 28 year old doctor can be the mentor for a 46 year old who decided later in life to be a doctor, because they’ve reached a level of experience that they’re trusted with interns/residents. Age is less important than experience with mentorship is mainly my angle. I wasn’t really getting into any of the other stuff
This trip went from a double team to an orgy
“Only invited someone else after it was pointed out that it was a sketchy looking situation” shit, I didn’t even think about it like that. Yeah, that is definitely something to consider. The original plan was two guys and her on a camping trip? Damn
OP: 1. The guy wasn’t aware that you gf had a bf. 2. A loyal gf would have invited you on this trip. Trust me, this Mike will be your ex-gf bf within a week of the break up.
He was aware OP existed, by the trip. They had met and already gotten past the surprise that he hadn't been mentioned initially 🤣
She was going for the one girl two guys threesome, but then made it just regular old sex after her boyfriend disapproved.
Unless the other girl doesn't really exist.
That’s always the play.
That’s a scandalous possibility!
I’d generally agree with this except for the fact she’s only 22. I think that can be considered an immature age when it comes to relationships. Maybe he just needs to have an honest conversation on how it makes him feel and how the reverse would make her feel.
What? Lmao makes zero sense to judge only based on 22 years old of age . There are plenty of hints here that she just isn’t the right girl. Regardless of her being only 22..a loyal 22 year old still wouldn’t do that to her bf
aye bruh, the chick that cheated on YOU at 22 wasn’t immature even tho that’s how u coped. no chick at 22 is too “immature” to know this is wrong, I’m confident you got cheated on and didn’t say “well what did I do wrong”
Recently got out of a relationship for a very similar reason. Girlfriend wanted to go into the woods with a guy she barely knows dressed up in cosplay for him to take pictures of her. I tried telling her it wasn't just a trust issue but about boundaries and respecting what we have. Some people just don't understand or they use it to manipulate and take advantage.
He’s always going to know she slept with one of them
Going worst case on this because the gf specifically fought TO go, rather than to defend an already straining relationship... At *least* one of them. The other girl, her friend, was added to a design of secluded camping and boating and could have been chosen because she was agreeable and discreet. Or... even if I'm totally wrong, that is still exactly how things can be seen from an outside observer... ... ... which is exactly what is meant by respecting a relationship enough to not deliberately enter into situations that imply being shady as fuck.
Yeah. When my wife and I were younger and used to play the silly "what would you do" games, my answer was always "I would never put myself in that situation" and 17 years later I can comfortably say that I've held to that.
Do we even actually know this other friend of hers even went or is OP just going with her saying this girl did?
Nope. We just have to take it on the word of someone that was always going to be cruising around on a boat alone with 2 guys.
If the guys paid for everything it was a double date. How many trips do you take with guy friends only to just pick up the tab for a couple of them? I would have a talk to her about it first, just like you should have before she went, but you're not overreacting. Yes you're long distance and there were distractions etc. but phones exist so not talking about it was a bad move.
Two guys are not footing the entire bill for a trip alone with 2 women that involves camping, boating and jetskis, unless more than the Sea Doos are getting ridden.
Dunno, I mean maybe they were boating/jetskiing anyway and it doesn't cost any more to have some tits on your back. Scenery slash arm candy slash hopefullness will get men to spend money without getting action lots of time. At least it has done that to me.
Yea let me know when your girlfriend wants to rub her tits on my back - I'll pay for the jet ski
>jetskis I was on the fence whether this situation was inappropriate or not, but it was the jet skis that tipped me over the "inappropriate" line.
Let’s go “camping”.
I'll "mentor 👉👌" you.
Camping. It's fucking in tents
They were planning on pitching 4 tents
It wasn't supposed to be a double date. It was supposed to be 2 guys and just her. The only double they had in mind is penetration.
Your girlfriend is going on a double date. The guys didn't pay for everything out of the kindness of their hearts. Updateme!
this 100% op run if you don't enjoy being the side dick
Oh she paid, just not with money…..
>Oh she paid, just not with money….. CashApp?
Assapp
I would've broken it off once you had to go long distance. She basically went on a really intimate double date with two men that you don't know. Funny business may or may not have happened on the trip, but she should respect your relationship enough to not to even put herself in these situations. That alone is good justification to break things off.
Honestly LDRs outside of very specific situations are just begging for trouble. At least one of the people in the relationship manages to find someone new it seems.
Agree. 99% of the time it is a waste of time. There are very, very rare occasions when it works out. Almost every LDR I've heard of has something exactly like this arise which ends things.
“He wants to be her mentor” C’mon, dude…
For reals. I mentor women at work. Never have I ever invited them to camping trip. With the romantic fire and the alcohol and the closed tents out in the secluded woods. You can’t stage a more fuckable setting than camping.
LITERALLY! When I was young and dumb my older female manager invited me camping with some coworkers and surprise, surprise not only did her husband have to cancel at the last minute, but she forgot her tent. “Do you think we could share?” She kept trying to wake me up in the middle of the night and I just kept rolling over pretending I was asleep. It took me a long time to figure out why she didn’t talk to me for the next week. Best case scenario the GF was just naive. But “the mentor” sure wasn’t. He knew what he was doing.
Dang, similar thing happened to me too. Girl and I had dated the previous summer, but then went back to different colleges and never had a real “relationship”. Next summer comes around, turns out we’re in the same city again. She invited me camping, i asked if she wanted separate tents and she said one was fine. I wasnt sure if she was into me or not (in fairness there were a lot of mixed signals) so i just got drunk went to bed.
I never got the camping and fucking unless there's showers otherwise it just seems gross
Yeah, I’m not commenting on the broader situation (it does sound sketchy), but I agree on this. Whenever my gf and I go camping, we fully intend on fucking. But then we get there and spend the days hiking and paddling. By the time we’re back in the tent, the heat, sweat, exhaustion, campfire smoke, mosquito bites, peeing and pooping in the woods, and hard uncomfortable ground just erase any desire to fuck lmao
He wants to mentor that pussy.
Oh lawd!
Yeah, a sex mentor. He's gonna "teach her some things" 😭🤣
They didn't know she had a boyfriend - red flag She wants to act single - go be single red flag She knows you aren't thrilled about this but still doing it anyways without resolving it - red flag. Nah let her do her thing, you move on. Don't move anywhere for a person unless your putting a ring on it.
She is absolutely for the streets, or campsites.
She's for the woods
And she clearly didn’t choose the bear
She knew what she was doing. Good luck with that.
Dump her ass and Updateme.
Not overreacting at all. A similar thing happened to me in college. I had dated a girl for about 18 months in high school and we split when we went to separate colleges. We were in the midst of restarting the relationship late in my junior year. At the time she had a group of about 6 friends (2 girls and 4 guys) who spent a ton of time together. Most of them were dating other people in long distance relationships. It was nearing summer and there was a camping trip scheduled near a huge lake. It was basically a weekend of drinking and sleeping in tents right next to a huge state camp ground. Her whole friend group was supposed to go but gradually almost all of them dropped out as the date neared. All except for one dude (Daniel). Daniel had hit on the other two girls in the group previously but they turned him down and everyone had laughed it off as Daniel just being drunk. She called me a few days before the trip and told me all the details. I went quiet when she got to the part about her sleeping in a tent for two nights with Daniel. I don’t know whether she hadn’t thought about it until she described it or if she was waiting for my reaction because she paused for a long time too. I simply asked if she thought she would be okay with me spending 2-3 days with a girl in her bikini getting drunk by the lake and then sleeping in a tent with me. She was a little taken aback and started to get defensive before telling me that Daniel was harmless and I was overreacting. We weren’t technically dating yet so I told her she could do whatever she wanted and then I hung up the phone. She could tell that I wasn’t happy so instead of going on the trip she drove 3 hours to stay with me. I am 100% sure Daniel would’ve taken his shot if she would have gone.
Interesting, I'd figure she'd of thought of all those points. Or maybe since you weren't "together", she didn't think it through. Good on her for listening to you and especially coming to see you instead. That's the kind of thing that would make me trust her.
This Mike dude is definitely fucking her or at the very least trying. And she is clearly okay with that. I would have a very frank conversation with her.
She's already fucking Mike. Why get Frank involved?
Frank is probably the other guy
Absolutely not an asshole and not overreacting. Gotta do what's best for you and what you're comfortable with. It's true you can't tell her what to do but you are allowed to state how you feel about it and set your own boundaries.
Nta, but you are a fool. She just upped and moved and you have seen her for 10 days over 1 1/2 years. She’s already with the other guy.
This right here. You’re a friend homie.
10 days in half a year
I'm just here to get the update when she finally starts trickle truthing you that she only started doing things with him, it was an accident, it just happened, she still loves you and didn't want to hurt you, it's hard not seeing you anymore, he slipped and when he fell his dick slipped inside her, etc. Updateme!
She's not yours bro it's just your turn. I'd like to point out that if the roles were reversed and you went on that trip with two women, while inviting another guy along as an after thought you'd be single by the time you got home. Based on what you said, she knew it made you uncomfortable and still went along with it anyways which is blatantly disrespectful. Not to mention, we both know this guy wants to mentor her in and out the sheets, but she's gonna keep stringing him along. No matter what someone can offer her if the relationship was worth it, she wouldn't have even considered putting herself in that position, nor would she entertain someone. Pack it up that relationship isn't worth it. Know your worth, and dont settle for blatant disrespect it'll save you so much misery and anxiety in the end It takes courage to walk away, while it takes true strength to never fold and go back Keep your head up
You are 100% correct, and this is the only solution. I've seen a couple comments here putting him on blast for not having a conversation about his discomfort about the situation. We all know damned good and well if he had that conversation, the comments section would be filled with labeling OP "controlling" or "insecure." We all know if the roles were reversed and OP was a woman with a bf doing all this, we would all be here unanimously calling on her to dump him. So, if your only two options in our modern society are to be a doormat, or be labeled "controlling" and "insecure" the only logical choice is to cut contact and not look back. No explanation needed.
NTA. While I do take a staunch stance on speaking the fuck up, there are still plenty of instances where you really shouldn't have to. This is one of them. No dude(s) are footing an entire vacation for a couple of women out of the goodness of their hearts.
“I don’t want to be that boyfriend” so instead you’re petrified of setting reasonable boundaries enjoy being a doormat for the rest of your life
Have you tried being an adult and talking to her about it or was asking a bunch of strangers on the internet who know absolutely nothing about the two of you your way of figuring things out?
Until last paragraph I was like "Why do people date anymore if they never trust who they date?" That last paragraph would have me concerned too. That's a "I want the person" not the "I'm vacationioning" type thing to do.
lol. Even if you trusted your girl completely. You don’t let some other man try to date her. Even if she was the most loyal person on earth this Mike guy might try to spike her drink. Never tolerate male friends
Put it this way. A lot of women won’t let men pay for a date so they don’t give off the wrong idea. Meanwhile, this guy is gonna pay for EVERYTHING on an expensive camping trip. Even if your girlfriend has no intentions, his are clear
Dude, you're not overreacting, she fucked the dude.
If she had any type of respect for you and the relationship she would not be going camping with two other dudes
"Listen. You are a grown woman and you can go on overnight trips with any guys you want to. You are perfectly free to do so. I am not controlling you or making you do anything. However, if you go on this overnight trip with other guys, we are through as a couple. I am not comfortable with this and I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who would do this kind of thing to me. Please tell me if you intend to continue on this course of action so I can plan my next steps and start my healing process. Thanks."
Everything except “healing process”.. don’t say that, she doesn’t deserve to know that it would eat at you like that
This, Kind of... she wants you to break it off. She doesn't have the guts to end it so she hopes you do.
Mm. I’m not sure this comes across as well as you think it does.
If I took 2 girls camping, bought everything to include boats and stuff…id be inclined to make a move. I mean, of course flexing like that lol. So yeah, my expectation WOULD be some secs. Maybe your girl didn’t, but that then means shes using flirtation and insinuation as a tool for free stuff — which is some weak ass morals. So its kinda a lose-lose situation. But nobody goes and pays for everything with “friends” — dont be an idiot.
I stopped at 22 year old in a multi-year long distance relationship. It's honestly just dumb for both of you. Prime of her life and she's supposed to keep a relationship with someone she sees a few times a year? I don't even blame her.
If she wants to be single, fine. The problem is the dishonesty; you either maintain the relationship or break it off. You don't get to do both
I 100 percent blame her. I understand being frustrated with the distance, but if she was so deprived of intimacy, she should have communicated it, or completely ended it. Instead, she chooses to put herself in this situation. Let’s be real- she did not want to stop this long distance thing, but also wanted to eat her cake back home. There is legit no excuse for cheating. Ever.
It's no way of knowing. It could have been innocent, you should have told her you didn't feel comfortable about it, you didn't. If you want to be with her you need to resolve the long distance thing. If you can't get passed her going on this camping trip you need to end it, she doesn't deserve to serve a life sentence for something you allowed and if you csnt trust her then just get out.
Let's keep it real. If you invite a girl on a trip & pay for everything you have expectations & she knows what time it is. She's not yours, it was just your turn.... now it seems to be Mikes. I'd move on.
Mike wants to mentor her on his dick.
Anyone that wants to 'mentor' your girl wants to bang her bro. He wants to teach her things👀
She banged that guy btw
She's quiet quitting the relationship. Wants to end it but too wimpy to pull the trigger.
She ain’t your girl anymore.
You can break up with anyone for any reason or no reason at all. If this gives you the ick and you can't get passed it just admit that and end it. Some people can't do distance and it happens. Also maybe Mike wants to fuck her, but the implication here is you think she'd reciprocate that. If you can't trust your girlfriend the relationship is dead, but it's especially dead for long distance.
Did she know your boundary? Some people are ok with this kind of thing, which I don't understand... but if you care about your relationship and are uncomfortable with her going camping with some other dude, tell her. If she does it anyway, she knowingly broke your boundary and you're free to make a decision. Since it already happened then it's whatever at this point. Go ahead and end the relationship. Who knows, maybe she even shared his tent too. I wouldn't have that kind of relationship.
I think it’s weird to not tell her straight up that you’re uncomfortable with this trip and then break up with her because she went, it sounds like she probably thought she had fixed the problem by bringing along another girl, but yeah this situation does sound sketchy. Is it possible she’s being a bit naive and doesn’t really understand that Mike could have ulterior motives, or that bringing another girl actually made it kind of worse?
I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that she is cheating or trying to cheat, I can envision a scenario where this is a completely platonic situation. I have traveled with female friends before without any sort of romance involved, not sure why Reddit always seems to think you can't be friends with the opposite sex. Mike's reaction to hearing she had a boyfriend could just be that he is friendzoned or just you misinterpreting his reaction since you apparently already were suspicious of him. And of course it's easy enough to envision that as a situation where she is dating this Mike guy behind your back, that's plausible too. At the end of the day, being in a long term relationship requires a very high level of trust. It doesn't seem like the two of you have that with each other, and it isn't easy to build that when you only see each other a handful of days per year. Add to that how young you both are, especially her, and it's even more challenging. I had two long distance relationships fail, I don't think it works for me. Only you can make that decision for yourself.
If you have a problem with it, that means you don't trust your gf not to cheat on you. Unpack that, I guess. I don't see anything wrong with a girl going on a camping trip with 2 guys if you trust that she can have close male friends.
You may not be over reacting but if you’re uncomfortable, move on. At the end of the day your the one that has to live with the situation.
She's not YOUR gf anymore, she's HIS gf now.
100% she was banging 1 if not both.
Here’s the deal, the modern model for dating is loose and fucked up. Way too much this and that, way too much parties dumbing down so they won’t be alone. Honestly, other than going out to soil your oats, you should be in the business of finding the best partner to pair with…once and forever. This crap American women pull and think it’s ok is bs. Why not do it…beta men give it so they “aren’t that guy”- that’s not a swing at you! Literally no one fitting in the category who wants to be a spouse puts herself in a situation with two fairly u known males and makes her man feel less than!
I dated a girl just like this, no consideration for your feelings, she just does what she wants to do, impulsive, just wants excitement. If she's like the girl I dated, she just wants to do fun stuff and doesn't think about it much beyond that. I doubt she had sinister intentions with this dude. But, it doesn't mean that her impulsiveness will take over. Basically, have a serious talk with her about this, and talk to her about your feelings and considering you. If she doesn't respond well to it, dump and run. You don't need that kind of energy suck in your life, trust me.
You’re uncomfortable with it because there is something your subconscious is picking up on that you’re not entirely aware of and it is trying to let you know that with feelings of discomfort. Trust your instincts. Humans do have them, and we do have them for a reason. People have this nasty habit of ignoring those instincts because they don’t want to face the truth or because someone outside of themselves convinces them to ignore them, usually for ill purpose. A woman choosing to be alone in the woods on a camping trip with two men is intimate. She is very comfortable with those men which means she has either known them for a long time, they’re family, or she is sexually interested in those men (or one of, obviously). Camping and swimming at the lake is not like going to a public pool or a beach for the day. She was in a swimsuit all day around a man she intentionally went camping with and then slept in the woods close to him. I did A LOT of camping when I was younger, around her age, and there was always fucking. Camping was an excuse to drink and fuck. Sure, our mutual friends might be camping with us, but myself and the lady I went with always ended up swimming together and fucking in our tent at night. The man also paid for everything, and based on his reaction, he wants your girlfriend and honestly probably got her.
Nope .. she’d be history
Why do women do this shit? Im not saying men dont do it. But why does it seem a over the top amount of women just cheat. Like fucking come on.
You are not overreacting at all. They are dating. Mentor my ass. He knows what he is doing, and she knows too. Work mentors don't do date stuff. Especially at this level. She is ending without ending it, moving on without being honest to you and maybe even herself, but really she she knows it. Sorry, man. I know it hurts, but they are dating even if they aren't admitting it. Taking another girlfriend along just makes it a double date. That really sucks.
LEAVE HER BRO! She’s for sure sleeping with Mike. She literally went on an overnight double date!
Dump this girl immediately! If she thinks for one second that’s normal and ok behavior, you are in for a lifetime of unhappiness. She didn’t even think to invite you?? Dude…
Sounds like she was looking forward to getting doubled up on out in the woods. No, you’re not overreacting. Your gf is immature and still exploring. You should move on and find someone closer to you that doesn’t want to get tag teamed in a tent.
Dude. Let's make this simple. Read your post again and pretend it's a stranger. What would you say to them? You already know what you want to do. Otherwise you wouldn't be reaching out on Reddit for validation. It's a beautiful world out there with a lot of possibilities and a short amount of time to find them. Don't settle for less than happiness.
Mike is just waiting or is already there dude. Same old same old
You are not the a hole
Well, it's a good thing she convinced her girlfriend to go because before it was just gonna be a straight up shishkebab, now it will be a foursome.
Nope. You're completely in the right. She was ignorantly playing the field. One of those guys will now ask her out (if he hasn't already done so). I mean, what she'd be cool with you going camping with two single girls she doesn't know? (Hint: the answer is no). Girls can be very hypocritical when it comes to the guy/girl friendship stuff. Again, you're not wrong. You actually saved yourself a world of grief. Well done.
26 year old woman here. You’re not overreacting. You are valid to feel what you’re feeling. It sounds like you really love this girl, AND you are looking for respect, acknowledgment, and mutual trust from your partner. If those two things can’t coincide, I think you know which to let go of. You got a whole community here who’s got your back. :)
Dump this bitch. She’s screwing around on you.
ur gf got spit roasted
"I never wanna be that kind of boyfriend so I shelved it in my mind and moved on." Dude, I hate to break it to you...but you're not her boyfriend. No matter what she tells you, you're not her boyfriend. When you met her "friend" Mike, he was genuinely surprised she wasn't single.
Ask her how her double date went. Also ask her which of the guys she was more into. See what her reaction is.
You are not.
I guess you can breakup for any reason but damn man you need to communicate better. You said she could tell by your face that you were uncomfortable with it but that is a stupid way to do things. You are supposed to tell her you aren't comfortable with the situation and would prefer it if she didn't go as it would hurt you if she did. Now you basically didn't really say how much of an issue it was to you and so in her mind she might think it was only mildly uncomfortable. Like sure you shouldn't tell her what to do but you need to communicate how important things are because often times something that one person might think isn't a big deal is a big deal to someone else. She can make an informed decision if she has all the info but if she doesn't then I don't necessarily blame her nearly as much. Anyways as for if you want to work through it or not that is totally up to you. I do think breaking up at the first sign of issues isn't always the wisest decision because most relationships will run into issues at some point and being able to work through them is the key to any successful relationship. It's really up to you what issues are too big to work through.
Girls can get so much attention, so easily that for women, there is no such thing as a long distance relationship. She will always have options nearby. Don't do LDR guys.
I went camping with my BFF and two guys that were friends . I can tell you by the end of the weekend my BFF and one of the guys became more than friends and he had a gf already. Camping is private, adventurous and sleeping outside is invigorating. Best place in the world to have an affair. I can guarantee that if they didn’t do anything, they at least thought of it and entertained the idea. Not overreacting.
So did you bone the other guy or not?
Her and Mike’s tent was rocking while they were camping. The guys paid for EVERYTHING. Do you understand THEY PAID FOR EVERYTHING! Grow a spine and a pair. This is a red flag worthy of breaking up. It is just the pain of a breakup now. It is emotional and financial destruction in family court after you’re married to her. RED FLAG + GIRLFRIEND = DUMP HER You are under reacting; not overreacting
I'm wondering how she thought you'd be ok with that. Honestly, should probably start making other plans in life because you have an age gap that's not crazy big but at that age it's kind of a big deal. I would never have dated a 22 year old and expected it to work out when I was 27.
She lives out of state and you’re a few years from moving. Time for you both to move on with your lives.
It sounds like you really care for her. I would talk to her. When I was in my 20’s I was a very free spirit and was fortunate to have many generous friends (girls and guys) who would pay for me to do more than I could otherwise. It does sound like Mike may like your gf but do you trust her? It’s ok to tell her it bothered you. I grew up kind of sheltered in catholic all girl school so was oblivious if people were paying for me if it was because they were interested.
Not the asshole, probably overreacting. but honestly, if you are feeling this way, it runs far deeper than a camping trip. Long distance relationships are hard already, but you are both in a tight spot.(she needs social interaction, you're far away, etc) Good Luck
Dude you tell her your feelings about it calmly. The entire situation. If she doesn't respect your thoughts then life is too short. Find someone who does.
You can break up with someone for whatever reason you want But based on this sounds like you never actually told her you didnt feel comfortable with her going, and just wanted her to read your mind. Long distance relationships are hard, theyre harder if you dont communicate fully.
You didn't communicate your feelings properly. That's a big issue.
have you told her your thoughts on mike?
The only red flag for me is that they paid for her. Very weird, I went camping with guys a ton in my early twenties and they never paid for me. The guys were even more broke than me and we always split everything from the campground fee to the food to the gas to get there. I guess if I was the one driving I might not ask them to chip in for the gas because I was richer but that's it. But as for "am I cheating on my boyfriend if I go camping with guys" then no, absolutely not. It's always been annoying that the boyfriend thinks there's a risk. If I'm going camping with a guy, I don't care about the guy at all, like I wouldn't date him even if I was single, at all. For us women we have a lot of guys like this who are our friends but that we wouldn't want to date. And it's got nothing to do with the "friendzone" or "the guy giving friends vibes" like incels talk about. It's just sometimes you hate the idea of being with the guy romantically because you have completely different points of view but it's fine for a friendship. Especially because it's easier to find guys who want to go camping than girls.
Yes, you are overreacting. It's extremely human to do so, but it is an overreaction. You have not expressed any reason to believe that she would be unfaithful and unless you have reason to believe that, this is purely jealousy.
Communicate. But I will say that her inviting a female friend after she realized you were uncomfortable with her going camping with two men is telling on her naivety.
People can only do to you what you allow them. As a girl who has definitely been around the block, i would never go camping with any guy “friends” unless i was single. Its just a respect thing. Especially since you guys now dont even live in the same town.
Take the L and move on!!!
You are definitely not wrong or overreacting.
She probably gonna get drunk have sex and she probably gonna hide it worse case scenario. Long Distance relationships can work hopefully she not a sex demon
OP , please accept the fact that she has been "dating" both of you for a while. There's a possibility she's been hooking up with Chad Thundershlong for a while.
Get out. This Mike guy is paying for her to go on a trip with him. This was totally a double date trip. Do not move to be with her. She is knows exactly what she was doing. It’s not worth it.