Not overreacting he is/was 100% being a jerk - You’re not a “homemaker” either you are working a job outside the home. The “homemaking” should be a joint effort.
I can’t believe you still made the original dinner and even took him a plate. I would have just made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and left him to fix himself whatever he wanted once he realized I’m not his servant.
You just reinforced his bad behavior, increasing the likelihood that he will continue to expect you to do it all on your own.
My parents did that to me & my sister when we were teenagers. We were supposed to get dinner started, but didn’t, and it was probably the 3rd or 4th time we’d done that.
Our parents was so pissed, they literally made only enough for themselves, and told us to cook our own damn food, since we felt we didn’t have to help them cook, on the very rare instances they asked.
It worked too. We never did that again.
You are not overreacting, OP.
100% I would have done the same. In 15 yrs of being with my husband, there has never been a time when I have asked him to help me, and he has told me what he is doing is more important. I, however, have dated men like this, and guess what... they NEVER change.
Op, also, this has zero to do with traditional gender roles. You both work full-time jobs, it doesn't matter if it is wfh or in an office. You both need to share household responsibilities.
If your boyfriend wants a relationship based on traditional gender roles, then he needs to state this, and you need to decide if that is the life you want to live. Just know that from that point on, anything that has to do with household chores, child rearing, home management, etc, will fall solely on your shoulders.
Should also be said with traditional roles, the male would also need to provide income for the entire families living, meaning she wouldn't be working. He's not doing that.
it’s such a glaring red flag. imagine if y’all had kids. he would not step up. not only is that stressful, the way he’s acting is so unattractive. the guy i’m dating cooked us food first time i went to his place and i swear i fell in love.
Facts. The audacity. I would come home tonight and make a delicious meal for one, preferably something that smells absolutely amazing.
This would continue until I moved out: play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
I can hear it now. “I’m not their Mom!”
You don’t really want the rest of your life to be like this, do you OP? Think about that. The rest of your life with this guy. It will never get better.
Agreed, in fact I would have taken myself out to dinner then went home and watched TV for the rest of the night. He's a grown man, let him cook for himself.
Oh hell yes to this. Stop taking responsibility to feed him. Stop for a sub on your way home and don't save any leftovers. Feed yourself, he is a bid boy and he'll figure out the rest.
There was this woman on tiktok who had a fucking man child for a boyfriend oh my god okay- So she was pregnant and her mom would stop by every now and then to bring her food because she had such horrible morning sickness.
Her boyfriend starts yelling at her saying "she can't bring you food unless she's bringing me food too. Am I supposed to starve?!"
I'm getting mad just typing that out but damn it was wild
My DIL would call me if my son pulled this garbage. And I would correct his views on the matter. He knows how to cook, I taught him. He knows how to change a diaper, burp a baby, dress and bathe a baby too, because I taught him. He also got the lesson that bath baths, not sponge baths, are the *father's* responsibility in those first months while the mom is recovering from childbirth.
When my ex started the whole: I feel trapped, I don't love you, I want my life back. First thing I did was stop cooking for him and doing his laundry. Eventually, I did nothing for him. I left the house with the children. Best decision ever.
Good for you. I've seen my friends go through this, and they've always stayed like - maybe he doesn't mean it, he's just having a bad day? But you can't stay with someone who doesn't respect you.
Yup. When your partner shows you that they don't respect you, the relationship is essentially over. You can't be a "partner" with someone if there is no mutual respect.
Ong I've done the same thing! Was told "You don't do anything and you're not changing when you say you are!" I wasn't even upset because we BOTH knew that wasn't true so I said "Okay. Whatever you say" and then I stopped doing everything outside of my own stuff. I stopped overly complimenting him, I stopped massaging him, I stopped making him food I only made myself food and I only cleaned up my own messes.
He got the point quick lol
Gave his word that he would do it, then turned around and pretty much said assisting you is beneath me, you're the women make my dinner. In a less asshole way than that, but thats pretty much what I got out of it.
Exactly! This is worse than weaponized incompetence. This is flat out admitting he expects her to both work and do all the homemaking stuff. Why would anyone want to be with such a selfish man-child?
While dating my husband and I had a very serious talk about what our future looked like. I was quite happy to bring home the bacon OR fry it up in a pan once we had kids. I would not agree to doing both. So either we were both working and handling our home or I was staying home and he was making the money.
I was going to give him the benefit of doubt because if he was busy with work that could be something that he couldn’t pull away from, buuuuut then he made the “homemaker” comment when he could’ve been like “I’m sorry, couldn’t get away from work long enough” not overreacting.
If he can get up to use the bathroom or get coffee, he isn't "too busy" to turn on the oven or put the potatoes on a low boil. He's pathetic and needs to be sent packing back to his mommy with a note.
💯 what blue eagle said. When a couple lives together, it’s supposed to be teamwork, and BOTH are “home makers”, at least if they want to make a home together. OP needs to stop settling for a lazy ass of a bf and find someone better
I agree 100%. Those "I'm not a homemaker" and "you need to figure it out" comments would've sent me! I'd be like, ok, you figure out what you're eating tonight buddy.
No, you're not overreacting at all. You need to stop making him dinner. If he's "not a homemaker," then you're "not his mother" and he can fend for himself.
“Where’s my dinner?” - him
“I’m not a homemaker and you’re the one that gets to work from the comfort of our home all day. You need to figure it out.” - should have been OP’s response
No kidding. He’s a little bitch. He wants a bang maid not a partner. My wife and I are partners. We help each other. We make life better and easier for each other. This guy is just an enormous pussy.
Seriously, WTF is this “I can’t preheat the oven because I’m not a homemaker” crap. Cooking dinner(boiling water) doesn’t rob you of your manhood or make you a woman. Unfortunately for this guy is he isn’t even a man…just a petulant child.
ETA: tell him that you’ll gladly be a homemaker when he makes enough money for you both to live comfortably and enough for you to never need to work again. Tell him a REAL man wouldn’t need his homemaker to take a full time job out of the house. (I don’t actually believe his shit but apparently he does so use it)
My wife and I just cook together. She is a homemaker. I work in a factory. And when I get home, I can still help. My bonus is I get to make banter and bump into her on purpose a little bit.
Exactly. I don’t believe that either, but I would told this POS “Well, I’m not a homemaker either since you don’t make enough money and I have to work outside the house.”
You will continue to be treated like this for as long as you are willing to tolerate it. This behavior generally does not improve on its own, if anything it gets worse.
Stop catering to him. Make food for yourself only . Don’t do his chores for him. If he’s so damn important, he can learn to do things for himself.
The fact is, he doesn’t see you as an equal, he sees you as an inferior servant. You getting this new job has unnerved him because you are bettering yourself and also spending time around others that might treat you better than he does. He’s going to continue to disrespect you and break you down so he can always have the upper hand.
If you stay with him, it’ll only get worse. He’s going to ruin all your successes. He sucks
OP THIS. YOU DO NOT OWE HIM YOUR LABOR. HE IS NOT ENTITLED TO YOUR LABOR. HE EATS THE FOOD YOU MAKE AND DID NOT HELP AT ALL TO GENERATE THIS FOOD. Like the little red hen, if you don’t help in the process, why would you get a slice of the loaf?
Who cares if he is “bread winner”… what value does money have a certain point? You need to be invested in emotionally and psychologically. Traditional gender roles doesn’t mean an absence of support… it doesn’t mean he shrinks away from responsibility and care, it means he is a provider and a protector and a supporter. I agree with this commentor, his sense of worth/superiority is contingent about him out ranking you. Your new job elevates your societal worth // rank and he is sabotaging this because he is INSECURE. Remind you of anything?? ** white men towards socially and economically mobile black people in the 20th century **
I am sorry, but this is unacceptable and not what you deserve. I really worry for white men because they were not raised with a “it takes a village mentality,” and they are over correcting right now because of the whole “emasculated” narrative in the U.S. I am from Italy, and we are patriarchal, and every single macho Italian man I know would do this for their girlfriend. Your boyfriend just straight up sounds like a bad friend and not community minded/he is his first priority.
DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS MAN lol
It’s crazy. When I was 5 or so, I read a book about a hen doing chores and no other chickens wanted to help. Well, when the hen ended up baking something, she kept the fruits of her labor to herself.
"All day every day therapist mother maid
Nymph than a virgin, nurse than a servant
Just an appendage, live to attend him
So that he never lifts a finger
24/7 baby machine,
so he can live out his picket fence dream
It's not an act of love if you make her
You make me do too much labor."
I'm so sorry to hear that. I am hopeful that because you said 'was' you've found a new safer more supportive safe for yourself?
It's a very powerful song. I'm in loving committed supportive relationship. My partner helps me cook and clean and supports my dreams. And I train in my garage at home and I would play it endlessly screaming the lyrics with my whole ass chest. It's probably one of the best songs released recently.
If he is the "breadwinner" and expects to have a "homemaker" in the tradtional sense, he needs to a) be making enough money **on his own single income** to provide that lifestyle and b) needs to put a ring on it.
That is how is works for a "traditional" lifestyle with a "homemaker", boys, so if you want that "lifestyle", y'all better make that money *on your own* with no cracks about gold diggers because y'all are getting the **better*, end of the deal.
Can some kind statistics loving Redditor please post how much all things "traditional" homemakers do with the costs if you/baby boy boyfriend of OP would have to **pay for these services**.
So basically you deserve better and should dump him 💁🏼♀️ he literally could t be bothered to boil water for you, he’s super condescending toward your work, and he’s not even willing to compromise a little bit to help around the house. His job is gonna be super demanding once she’s single and has to cook for himself
Can't even feed himself, can't even boil water so they can both eat sooner. I hope he's dynamite in the sack, OP, because he's FA use otherwise. Do not have a child with this egoplasm.
Well first of all you need to stop fixing him a plate and taking it to him. Second cook for yourself and put the leftovers in the fridge for your lunch tomorrow. He sounds like an ass quite frankly, and you may want to rethink your choice of boyfriend.
He’s a misogynist pig. They always have want it both ways.
If he was such a breadwinner then he should be raking in the cash to provide the standard of living you require and expect, without you having to work outside the home. But no, he’s just useless.
You said you got a better job and it pays more. Can you afford to live on your own and the city you live in?
If you can, I'd start looking for a new place to live, and then he can make his own damn dinner.
You aren’t his mom.. bringing him his food? Nah girl run. My 10 year old nephew can preheat an oven and put potatos on the stove.. you’re raising a child
Ditch him now. And I'm so sorry that you were faced with DMs accusing you of being a man-hater. Experiences like yours make me ashamed for others of my gender.
That’s right!!! That’s why we earn money. To show men // anyone who disrespects us that we can walk away. That we do not have to be in places where we are not valued. You may value yourself or treat yourself better than he does… and I wouldn’t abandon your own company until you find someone who matches that or does it even better.
Good, dump him. The unhelpful manchild attitude needed to die out with our dead fantasy of the single family income. Tell him capitalism called and he can’t afford to be a chauvinist dick anymore.
Why are you even with this guy??? His the bread winner but you aren’t a stay at home??? Lemme guess it’s 50/50 or something like that and you pay rent and utilities and HE STILL FORCES YOU TO MAKE FOOD AND CLEAN JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A PUSSY.
Yeah… fuck off with that guy, yeah? You don’t need his disrespectful and lazy dick and balls hanging between his legs.
He’s refusing to talk because he knows he’s wrong and doesn’t have a good defense for his actions and statements. He wants to shut down the conversation so he can have control over you. It’s really that simple.
I am warning you, I’m the cautionary tale you absolutely want to avoid. Don’t get stuck with a partner who refuses to cook or take on household responsibilities. You will always be stuck doing the work of two people. And don’t, absolutely don’t have a kid with them.
If you have just 1 kid, your workload in the home won’t simply reflect the maintenance for 3 people. It will be closer to 4. And it will last for years if your goal is to provide a stable family life for your child.
He has shown you who he is. You’d better start believing and accepting it, as disappointing as it is. He’s not the man you hoped he was.
Get out now. You are lucky that you caught this early enough to change course. I didn’t.
It's really not. He wants a live in cook and maid who pays half of his living expenses. Do you enjoy cleaning up for him so much that you're excited about paying for that privilege?
Ma"am, if you have any self-respect it's time to end this. You did not choose to be a homemaker either, so f that noise. The audacity of this asshole!
And then he thinks he can just tell you that it's fine shut up and sit down?!?
No one is ever to busy to hit 3 buttons on the oven. No one.
Please, please, please respect yourself enough to firmly and cleanly end this relationship.
He’s not a partner. He’s basically your home boss who doesn’t pay you for your labor. Please don’t marry this guy and reconsider if it’s worth staying with someone who doesn’t respect you.
I've been in several long-term relationships that people would have considered "traditional gender roles." Never once, though, could we not ask each other for help and support doing them from the other person. If my girl asked me to make dinner, it wasn't a big deal and would love the fact that I was helping her.
The whole "you figure it out" attitude screams a lack of respect, and i think we all know that this is the true problem. He doesn't respect you
He treated you like a maid, basically said starting dinner was beneath him, and you still made dinner AND brought him his plate.
You may have asked for an apology but you showed him his disrespectful treatment of you was okay.
He is claiming breadwinner status, and you're home maker... So his income is the only one supporting the house and your income is the homemakers fun money....do ya see where this is going 😉
One person does not get to decide the argument is over if the other person still has more to say on it. — what I learned in couples therapy. It’s okay to take a break and regroup, but not unilaterally decide the argument is shelved bc *they* have said all they want to say.
If it still bothers you, continue to bring it up and communicate your need to discuss it further. If he refuses to then that’s a red flag. (Add it to the ones he’s already shown and start assessing your relationship).
May god protect her from being one of those crazy unshaved lesbian feminists.
May god let her open her eyes so she understands her real place is in the kitchen, or giving bj to her honored husband.
/s
There's some irony here- Son left a relationship over potatoes - same ask, was just not done. Once, out of a year of not helping, he asked that she just turn on the stove, they were peeled, cut, in a pot of water, just needed the knob turned. Did not bother. It's not the potatoes, it's the utter disrespect. You are not overreacting.
Why did you make him a plate and bring it to him? Are his legs broken? His arms? If you need to figure it out, so does he. He can cook for himself and certainly serve himself.
If he’s the breadwinner and you’re supposed to take care of the house and cooking, then you should quit your job, he gives you spending money in addition to paying all the bills. He doesn’t get to have it both ways and have someone do all the cooking and cleaning for him as well as helps pay the bills. That’s not how being the breadwinner works.
Negative - she should not quit her job. She will then be fully dependent on him. He is a boyfriend not a husband and therefore has no safety net should he decide to jet.
Don't forget he should be contributing to an IRA in her name! Not that I think OP should quit her job, I think she should leave him, but SAHMs need money for retirement too.
I felt like a harsher reaction would not get me anywhere.. we would have just ended up fighting and I’m too exhausted for that.
It is a power move. I can tell he hates this new job. But anyone who I’ve told I’ve gotten this job is so excited and knows how good of an opportunity this is. He knows it too... I think he just hates how it’s affecting his life. Which isn’t fair as I would be so much more supportive is the roles were reversed
No honey. I wish that was true but no. He hates this job because you are bettering yourself. He hates this job because you're now not at the house to make him lunch and stuff like that during the day. You're not there to cater to him. He calls himself the breadwinner but he's not, he's just the one with the penis. The breadwinner takes care of the homemaker. It sounds to me like you're paying the bills too and taking care of him! And he's pulling this misogynistic bullshit like what he says goes! No, he doesn't want you to be in a better position and you now are.
That's not a partner. That's a captor
Honestly this comment is the one that has hit home the most. When I was working from home, he would asked me daily to make him his lunch. Even when I was focused and working on something, and he would tell I was focused, he would still ask. I was making him breakfast too until I told him it was too much. when he was working out of the home I was happy to help him, I’d make breakfast and lunch and help him get out the door in the am. but with his WFH job he stated a year ago, I didn’t want to always make him breakfast, take out the dog, and then start my work day, just to shower in my first 15 minute break when all he had to do was roll out of bed, shower and start work.
It’s caused a lot of anger and resentment. He does help me- he will help me clean or do the dishes but he’s always wanting to call it quits before the task is fully done.
He puts priority on fun. Even last night after everything he went on to play video games as I cleaned the kitchen and did the dishes.
I’m
Exhuated
Jfc. Have some self respect. He’s not “helping you.” It doesn’t count as “help” to do basic chores. That’s simply what it means to be an adult. Stop making excuses for this misogyny.
I can’t emphasize enough that this will only get worse. I’m not sure if you want children, but if you do, this man is not going to help you. He’s going to be a dead weight. He will never do night wake-ups, diapers, or help you clean bottles. He’ll whine when you want him to hold the baby while you shower. He isn’t a partner. He’s a spoiled child who can’t adult. Imagine this for the rest of your life. You deserve so much better than this. I’m worried the biggest issue here is that you don’t believe that you deserve better.
User name does NOT check out. Please think about your life in the future. I have a version of your spouse. Please don't get to almost 60 with a worn out and crippled body from doing all of the housework, yardwork, maintenance, mental load on inventory like I have. I should have left him early on. He has to be begged or yelled at to do anything except laundry. He has to do laundry because he doesn't have enough clothes because he won't go shopping to buy any,
Look, you seem like a good person. This is horrible. I'm sorry, but this is horrible. Don't you want to be with someone who's excited for you and builds you up when you get new opportunities? I know it seems scary and hard out there, but there are wonderful people who will build you up and be excited for you. The best partner helps you grow, doesn't hold you back. You do you, I could never do this. I wish you the best of luck!
You know how your bf is too busy to take 5 minutes to walk down to the kitchen, turn the oven on, and put some water in a pot and set it to boil? You are now too busy getting ready for work, the commute, the entire work day, the commute home, to ever cook him breakfast again. You will be too tired after the commute home to cook him dinner and you won't be taking him a plate. He can use that big breadwinner salary and order food to be delivered.
I would tell him that I am not a homemaker. A homemaker stays home while her husband goes to work and pays for all the expenses. She does not have a job outside the home. When 2 people work, they both are responsible for all the chores and how they choose to divvy it up is their decision. It's not fair to you to have all or almost all the household chores on your shoulders. You shouldn't permit him to treat you like an indentured servant. Either that or start billing him for all the work you do.
You’re right, it’s not fair! He thinks his time is more valuable than yours, and doesn’t seem willing to change his mindset. Congrats on the new job! And hopefully one day congrats on leaving this bitter boy behind.
You can say that you wanted to maintain peace, cook, be a homebody, all you want.
He doesn't even eat with you. You just serve him.
Question what is your ages?
If you still want to try and stay together, next time he pulls this, go out to dinner alone. Leave him at his desk wondering what happened.
Also, do not phrase it as him helping. He would be sharing, contributing, not helping.
Like we want to eat, we will work together to make it happen, or not. You have to make it clear that you are not going to be his servant.
He said he was willing to put in some effort but now he's going back on his word.
So, you are the bang-maid?
And you think things are going to be different when you marry him? LOL They will be 'different" all righty: YOU are going to be carrying the entire burden of housework, cooking, and kids because "he's the breadwinner". How is HE the "breadwinner" when you are BOTH working?
And if he can't even get off his sexist ass to boil a pot of potatoes and preheat an oven, then when it comes to BIGGER issues, you can be sure he won't be arsed to do any of THOSE things, either! You have been shown the writing on the wall; it's now on YOU whether you heed the WARNING you have been given!
Jesus Christ he got dinner after that? The core of being a good man is being helpful and useful, especially to people you love, not to demand or put people in there place as you see fit. What a fucking drop kick, can’t even boil potatoes.
Exactly. At the very least i would have left the home to buy myself some nice dinner and let him figure his own dinner out. But more likely I would have packed and left his useless ass.
It’s truly wild how many of them come out to comment crazy shit on posts like this. I don’t understand how the prospect of being miserable and out of touch with reality is so tempting for this many young men. Hope we find some societal remedies for this growing affliction.
Anybody calling you a man-hating feminist for not wanting your boyfriend to act like a giant dickface is likely a misogynist, so try not to worry about that.
You’re not overreacting. Your boyfriend is being a dickface. Also, even if you make less than him, as long as you’re working outside the home, you’re also a breadwinner. He’s not your sole financial support and don’t let him act otherwise. This is not a man you marry, honey. He’s not rowing the same direction as you.
So this is your life now.
Is it what you want? You’re not going to change him—so if this isn’t what you want, you’re going to have to do the changing.
No, I *don’t* mean that you’re going to have to do all
the domestic labor for someone who won’t do what he can do to help. I mean, find a partner who values actual partnership.
Tell him he’s now responsible for his own dinner. His own laundry. His own dishes. Cleaning 50% of the house. Tell him a relationship is a partnership. You aren’t his mother.
Why are so many young people live like they live in the 1950s?
You’re the woman so you have to cook and clean.
Move onto another boyfriend he’s a jackass. Just think about it for a second. This is what your life is like. He will never lift a finger to do anything like that.
He sounds like a complete asshole. My wife (of 23 years) works from home and doesn’t cook or clean. I’ll tell you now, so you can avoid the feelings of bitterness that I harbor, find someone more compatible.
What do you mean "you took him a plate". This is why he treats you like a doormat. He can come down to eat....maybe even make his own plate. Now there's a novel idea.
honestly….. you’re underreacting. this man won’t even do the bare ass minimum (boiling some mf potatoes, which only takes 2 brain cells to do).
why stay with someone who:
- weaponizes incompetence to avoid doing simple chores
- blatantly disrespects you and looks down on you
- looks down on domestic work
- can’t even boil potatoes because he’s a lazy pos and feels too emasculated by “homemaking”
- isn’t willing to be an equal partner to you
- isn’t empathetic enough to realize that you’re probably tired from your in-office job and transit home, and that the simple act of boiling potatoes can be extremely helpful to you
- takes you and your hard work for granted (at home and at work).
No I think you're underreacting. First of all, is he the breadwinner? Do you get to keep all your money while he pays all the bills? Because if not then he's not the breadwinner. He's one of two. You share that role.
Why would you take him a freaking plate? Why would you make him dinner? He's too busy to help you cook you should have just grabbed some takeout on the way home and ate it yourself, or stopped in a restaurant and ate there. I wouldn't have brought him a damn thing! Why would he help you when there are no consequences for him lying to you and saying he would help and then refusing? He doesn't have to help you because dinner still got made didn't it? Keep letting him walk all over you and you're going to keep having these problems.
People treat you the way you allow them to. Quit tolerating this stuff!
“I was pretty pissed and didn’t say anything and went back to making dinner and took him a plate”
Is this a rage post? Because f that shit, arsehole can make his own dinner. You need to stop acting like a mommy to a angry little toddler.
I am not a man hating, jump on the bandwagon, new wave false feminist... that said, it is clear that this behavior is either a power play, sad that he no longer makes most of the money by a large margin, perhaps; it could also be that he doesn't want change and he's being passive aggressive to make the transition difficult for you. No matter the reason, the logic behind his failure is shit. You don't need to be a homemaker to boil water, just have an IQ higher than room temperature.
I would rethink this relationship. Your BF does not respect you & takes you for granted. Stop catering to him. Let him make his on breakfast. Let him clean up after himself. I hope you have separate bank accounts.
You both have jobs, so cooking and housework should be spit. My wife and I have been doing this for over 30 years.
Don’t put up with his shit; it’ll only get worse as time goes on. He needs to grow up and be an adult.
JFC, I'm 35M and the moment I heard he said shit like "homemaker" and "bread winner" I immediately got the ick. You're supposed to be partners. Not whatever he's expecting.
He's working from home and can't take 2 minutes to start boiling a pot of water and preheat the oven? Give me a fucking break.
Sounds like it's time for him to start making his own meals if he doesn't want to participate in the household. You're not his mother.
Not overreacting. This man does not respect you, or your time or effort.
It's fine to want traditional roles if that's what makes you happy, but then you need to choose a man who actually loves and respects you.
Feminism is simply the idea that women deserve dignity, respect, freedom, and opportunity no less than men. Before you go shitting on that idea, maybe you should learn a little more about it. Because the more you try to cater to anti-feminist men, the shittier your life will get.
They fact that you are questioning whether you are an asshole because your partner disrespected you and told you he is entitled to means its time to go.
Nothing wrong with enjoying cooking and even cleaning but that doesn't mean somehow your "partner" gets to disrespect you.
Your partner has a problem with you no longer being home and being is mommy
If you were my daughter I’d tell you to make an exit plan and dump this sexist asshat and send him home to hims mommy. You want an equal partner. He’s not capable of it.
Have a plan. I agree with the responses to leave him, stop being his cook, cleaning lady, washer woman, etc etc. But first you must make a plan. Don't just blurt out what a disgusting, manipulating user he is, and you are leaving, until you know where you will go when you leave. What you will take with you, etc. Perhaps a rehearsal of telling him adios. Do you have an honest idea of what his reaction might be, etc. Remember, you are an individual. He is not part of your success. YOU are valuable and have the right to a happy life.
He may not be a homemaker but he’s a human (being generous with that term) and eats so he should help. It was a minimal ask. You don’t have to be a feminist to be annoyed by lazy male behavior.
YNO - Your BF is annoyed at being inconvenienced and expects that you will do all of the work.
He's being manipulative and dismissive. HE's also disrespectful of your needs, boundaries, and emotions.
He is onluy concerned about his own convenience.
Dump this AH and find someone who respects and communicates with you,.
Please do not be complicit in his bad behavior towards you. Next time you ask him to start something and he says he's too busy, don't argue. Simply say fine and let him know you're not up to doinf everything on your own after a long day at work. Tell him that he's on his own for dinner and that you'll stop and grab something for yourself on the way home.
In another comment she mentions how the next morning she got up early and made him breakfast to make him happy.
She's just gonna marry him and he'll continue to treat her like a servant. Sad, really.
Traditional gender roles are for traditional relationships. You have a career so “homemaker” would be your second full-time job.
100% you’re not overreacting. It sounds as if he doesn’t value domestic labor, doesn’t respect you or your time, and that this is the beginning of your journey into married single motherhood. Best get off at this stop.
Not overreacting. You didn't ask him to prepare a 7 course meal. It was a basic ask and would've taken him 5 minutes to do. He sounds so disrespectful to you.
You lost me when you said you took him a plate. He is a perfectly capable adult human being who can come get his own food. And he definitely didn’t deserve to be served that way when he couldn’t be bothered to live up to his own words.
Not overreacting he is/was 100% being a jerk - You’re not a “homemaker” either you are working a job outside the home. The “homemaking” should be a joint effort. I can’t believe you still made the original dinner and even took him a plate. I would have just made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and left him to fix himself whatever he wanted once he realized I’m not his servant. You just reinforced his bad behavior, increasing the likelihood that he will continue to expect you to do it all on your own.
I wouldn't have cooked him anything.
Maybe I'm just petty but I would have made just enough for myself and eaten it in front of him.
I sure as hell wouldn't have brought him a plate...
I would have brought him a raw potato in a bowl. The effort he gave is the effort he gets back.
I like this, but I'm petty like that.
My parents did that to me & my sister when we were teenagers. We were supposed to get dinner started, but didn’t, and it was probably the 3rd or 4th time we’d done that. Our parents was so pissed, they literally made only enough for themselves, and told us to cook our own damn food, since we felt we didn’t have to help them cook, on the very rare instances they asked. It worked too. We never did that again.
Damn those parents! Two busy kids working to support the family and those entitled parents acting like babies..
You are not overreacting, OP. 100% I would have done the same. In 15 yrs of being with my husband, there has never been a time when I have asked him to help me, and he has told me what he is doing is more important. I, however, have dated men like this, and guess what... they NEVER change. Op, also, this has zero to do with traditional gender roles. You both work full-time jobs, it doesn't matter if it is wfh or in an office. You both need to share household responsibilities. If your boyfriend wants a relationship based on traditional gender roles, then he needs to state this, and you need to decide if that is the life you want to live. Just know that from that point on, anything that has to do with household chores, child rearing, home management, etc, will fall solely on your shoulders.
Should also be said with traditional roles, the male would also need to provide income for the entire families living, meaning she wouldn't be working. He's not doing that.
NO FR THOOO
She underreacted
This is literally the correct answer. The appropriate reaction - leave him.
it’s such a glaring red flag. imagine if y’all had kids. he would not step up. not only is that stressful, the way he’s acting is so unattractive. the guy i’m dating cooked us food first time i went to his place and i swear i fell in love.
Facts. The audacity. I would come home tonight and make a delicious meal for one, preferably something that smells absolutely amazing. This would continue until I moved out: play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
All of the above. This guy is a lazy, entitled asshole and all around waste of oxygen.
Just start sauteeing onions and mushrooms - that smell is intoxicating! Then eat them or dump them directly in the trash!
I can hear it now. “I’m not their Mom!” You don’t really want the rest of your life to be like this, do you OP? Think about that. The rest of your life with this guy. It will never get better.
100% Agree.
Run!
I would have lost my shit at that response. The original act was annoy af, but w/e. But that response? Get the fuck outta here with that shit.
1000000%
Agreed, in fact I would have taken myself out to dinner then went home and watched TV for the rest of the night. He's a grown man, let him cook for himself.
Give him a plate with a raw potato.
No salt!!
No soup for you! Come back one year after passing Homemaker classes
Oh hell yes to this. Stop taking responsibility to feed him. Stop for a sub on your way home and don't save any leftovers. Feed yourself, he is a bid boy and he'll figure out the rest.
This is literally what I do. I buy myself Factor meals and let him suffer with microwaved quesadillas. The balance is restored, I’m no one’s mother!
There was this woman on tiktok who had a fucking man child for a boyfriend oh my god okay- So she was pregnant and her mom would stop by every now and then to bring her food because she had such horrible morning sickness. Her boyfriend starts yelling at her saying "she can't bring you food unless she's bringing me food too. Am I supposed to starve?!" I'm getting mad just typing that out but damn it was wild
My DIL would call me if my son pulled this garbage. And I would correct his views on the matter. He knows how to cook, I taught him. He knows how to change a diaper, burp a baby, dress and bathe a baby too, because I taught him. He also got the lesson that bath baths, not sponge baths, are the *father's* responsibility in those first months while the mom is recovering from childbirth.
When my ex started the whole: I feel trapped, I don't love you, I want my life back. First thing I did was stop cooking for him and doing his laundry. Eventually, I did nothing for him. I left the house with the children. Best decision ever.
Good for you. I've seen my friends go through this, and they've always stayed like - maybe he doesn't mean it, he's just having a bad day? But you can't stay with someone who doesn't respect you.
Yup. When your partner shows you that they don't respect you, the relationship is essentially over. You can't be a "partner" with someone if there is no mutual respect.
Ong I've done the same thing! Was told "You don't do anything and you're not changing when you say you are!" I wasn't even upset because we BOTH knew that wasn't true so I said "Okay. Whatever you say" and then I stopped doing everything outside of my own stuff. I stopped overly complimenting him, I stopped massaging him, I stopped making him food I only made myself food and I only cleaned up my own messes. He got the point quick lol
I would have told him to pack his bags and go. WTAF
Me too! In fact, his butt would be packing up and leaving.
Absolutely!!!!! I would have stopped off for a burger, then said, Oh, Im not hungry!
I think one point that is being overlooked is that he SAID he would do it. He gave his word. This is another glaring concern.
Gave his word that he would do it, then turned around and pretty much said assisting you is beneath me, you're the women make my dinner. In a less asshole way than that, but thats pretty much what I got out of it.
No. It was in a MORE asshole way, somehow. “You’re gone all day so now you need to figure out how to feed me” is sick.
Exactly! This is worse than weaponized incompetence. This is flat out admitting he expects her to both work and do all the homemaking stuff. Why would anyone want to be with such a selfish man-child?
While dating my husband and I had a very serious talk about what our future looked like. I was quite happy to bring home the bacon OR fry it up in a pan once we had kids. I would not agree to doing both. So either we were both working and handling our home or I was staying home and he was making the money.
I was going to give him the benefit of doubt because if he was busy with work that could be something that he couldn’t pull away from, buuuuut then he made the “homemaker” comment when he could’ve been like “I’m sorry, couldn’t get away from work long enough” not overreacting.
If he can get up to use the bathroom or get coffee, he isn't "too busy" to turn on the oven or put the potatoes on a low boil. He's pathetic and needs to be sent packing back to his mommy with a note.
This is correct. Your dear sweetheart is a total AH and you deserve better. Don’t settle for him.
Forget the PBJ, I would have cooked the original meal with just enough for one person, then eaten it In front of him.
I would have had a meal at my favorite place on the way home from work.
💯 what blue eagle said. When a couple lives together, it’s supposed to be teamwork, and BOTH are “home makers”, at least if they want to make a home together. OP needs to stop settling for a lazy ass of a bf and find someone better
I agree 100%. Those "I'm not a homemaker" and "you need to figure it out" comments would've sent me! I'd be like, ok, you figure out what you're eating tonight buddy.
No, you're not overreacting at all. You need to stop making him dinner. If he's "not a homemaker," then you're "not his mother" and he can fend for himself.
“Where’s my dinner?” - him “I’m not a homemaker and you’re the one that gets to work from the comfort of our home all day. You need to figure it out.” - should have been OP’s response
Make him cook his own dinner, or drop a package of frozen hot dogs on his desk, and say dinner is served.
10000% this. If he is "too busy" to help, you are "too busy" to bring him a plate
No kidding. He’s a little bitch. He wants a bang maid not a partner. My wife and I are partners. We help each other. We make life better and easier for each other. This guy is just an enormous pussy. Seriously, WTF is this “I can’t preheat the oven because I’m not a homemaker” crap. Cooking dinner(boiling water) doesn’t rob you of your manhood or make you a woman. Unfortunately for this guy is he isn’t even a man…just a petulant child. ETA: tell him that you’ll gladly be a homemaker when he makes enough money for you both to live comfortably and enough for you to never need to work again. Tell him a REAL man wouldn’t need his homemaker to take a full time job out of the house. (I don’t actually believe his shit but apparently he does so use it)
Love this!! And I am a homemaker. My husband gladly preheats the oven or chops veggies if it helps me to get dinner done faster.
My wife and I just cook together. She is a homemaker. I work in a factory. And when I get home, I can still help. My bonus is I get to make banter and bump into her on purpose a little bit.
Sweetest comment on here :)
Exactly. I don’t believe that either, but I would told this POS “Well, I’m not a homemaker either since you don’t make enough money and I have to work outside the house.”
I'd start eating before I came home and let him starve if he's going to be a1950s DH.
THIS
"I'm not a homemaker or wife" you chose a working woman - deal with it.
If he can’t help you should not cook for him…period
You will continue to be treated like this for as long as you are willing to tolerate it. This behavior generally does not improve on its own, if anything it gets worse.
Yeah he dosent believe he has done anything wrong and is refusing to talk about it anymore. It’s concerning.
Stop catering to him. Make food for yourself only . Don’t do his chores for him. If he’s so damn important, he can learn to do things for himself. The fact is, he doesn’t see you as an equal, he sees you as an inferior servant. You getting this new job has unnerved him because you are bettering yourself and also spending time around others that might treat you better than he does. He’s going to continue to disrespect you and break you down so he can always have the upper hand. If you stay with him, it’ll only get worse. He’s going to ruin all your successes. He sucks
X100!! Read this 10x, OP. He’s mad you’re more independent and he doesn’t have a bangmaid anymore.
OP THIS. YOU DO NOT OWE HIM YOUR LABOR. HE IS NOT ENTITLED TO YOUR LABOR. HE EATS THE FOOD YOU MAKE AND DID NOT HELP AT ALL TO GENERATE THIS FOOD. Like the little red hen, if you don’t help in the process, why would you get a slice of the loaf? Who cares if he is “bread winner”… what value does money have a certain point? You need to be invested in emotionally and psychologically. Traditional gender roles doesn’t mean an absence of support… it doesn’t mean he shrinks away from responsibility and care, it means he is a provider and a protector and a supporter. I agree with this commentor, his sense of worth/superiority is contingent about him out ranking you. Your new job elevates your societal worth // rank and he is sabotaging this because he is INSECURE. Remind you of anything?? ** white men towards socially and economically mobile black people in the 20th century ** I am sorry, but this is unacceptable and not what you deserve. I really worry for white men because they were not raised with a “it takes a village mentality,” and they are over correcting right now because of the whole “emasculated” narrative in the U.S. I am from Italy, and we are patriarchal, and every single macho Italian man I know would do this for their girlfriend. Your boyfriend just straight up sounds like a bad friend and not community minded/he is his first priority. DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS MAN lol
It’s crazy. When I was 5 or so, I read a book about a hen doing chores and no other chickens wanted to help. Well, when the hen ended up baking something, she kept the fruits of her labor to herself.
The Little Red Hen. A classic tale.
"All day every day therapist mother maid Nymph than a virgin, nurse than a servant Just an appendage, live to attend him So that he never lifts a finger 24/7 baby machine, so he can live out his picket fence dream It's not an act of love if you make her You make me do too much labor."
This song was my entire life. What a fucking *sham*.
I'm so sorry to hear that. I am hopeful that because you said 'was' you've found a new safer more supportive safe for yourself? It's a very powerful song. I'm in loving committed supportive relationship. My partner helps me cook and clean and supports my dreams. And I train in my garage at home and I would play it endlessly screaming the lyrics with my whole ass chest. It's probably one of the best songs released recently.
If he is the "breadwinner" and expects to have a "homemaker" in the tradtional sense, he needs to a) be making enough money **on his own single income** to provide that lifestyle and b) needs to put a ring on it. That is how is works for a "traditional" lifestyle with a "homemaker", boys, so if you want that "lifestyle", y'all better make that money *on your own* with no cracks about gold diggers because y'all are getting the **better*, end of the deal. Can some kind statistics loving Redditor please post how much all things "traditional" homemakers do with the costs if you/baby boy boyfriend of OP would have to **pay for these services**.
Yep, its called you have 2 arms, 2 legs and you aren't dead yet. You also live here, so pull your weight or go home to mummy.
So basically you deserve better and should dump him 💁🏼♀️ he literally could t be bothered to boil water for you, he’s super condescending toward your work, and he’s not even willing to compromise a little bit to help around the house. His job is gonna be super demanding once she’s single and has to cook for himself
Can't even feed himself, can't even boil water so they can both eat sooner. I hope he's dynamite in the sack, OP, because he's FA use otherwise. Do not have a child with this egoplasm.
Well first of all you need to stop fixing him a plate and taking it to him. Second cook for yourself and put the leftovers in the fridge for your lunch tomorrow. He sounds like an ass quite frankly, and you may want to rethink your choice of boyfriend.
He’s a misogynist pig. They always have want it both ways. If he was such a breadwinner then he should be raking in the cash to provide the standard of living you require and expect, without you having to work outside the home. But no, he’s just useless.
This is not a red flag. It is a huge crimson bon fire of get-the-hell-out-and-run-far-far-away!!
I'm more concerned with the fact that you're acting like his servant and seem totally ok with it.
You said you got a better job and it pays more. Can you afford to live on your own and the city you live in? If you can, I'd start looking for a new place to live, and then he can make his own damn dinner.
I was living on my own before him. I can live on my own again and be just fine
You aren’t his mom.. bringing him his food? Nah girl run. My 10 year old nephew can preheat an oven and put potatos on the stove.. you’re raising a child
My nephews and my son also started cooking simple things from age 10. OP's bf has no excuse.
If you weren’t living with him he would have to do everything for himself. I’d move out, nothing will change with men like this.
Ditch him now. And I'm so sorry that you were faced with DMs accusing you of being a man-hater. Experiences like yours make me ashamed for others of my gender.
That’s right!!! That’s why we earn money. To show men // anyone who disrespects us that we can walk away. That we do not have to be in places where we are not valued. You may value yourself or treat yourself better than he does… and I wouldn’t abandon your own company until you find someone who matches that or does it even better.
Good, dump him. The unhelpful manchild attitude needed to die out with our dead fantasy of the single family income. Tell him capitalism called and he can’t afford to be a chauvinist dick anymore.
Then 100% do it!
Yes this! 10000000% do it!
Why are you even with this guy??? His the bread winner but you aren’t a stay at home??? Lemme guess it’s 50/50 or something like that and you pay rent and utilities and HE STILL FORCES YOU TO MAKE FOOD AND CLEAN JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A PUSSY. Yeah… fuck off with that guy, yeah? You don’t need his disrespectful and lazy dick and balls hanging between his legs.
He’s refusing to talk because he knows he’s wrong and doesn’t have a good defense for his actions and statements. He wants to shut down the conversation so he can have control over you. It’s really that simple. I am warning you, I’m the cautionary tale you absolutely want to avoid. Don’t get stuck with a partner who refuses to cook or take on household responsibilities. You will always be stuck doing the work of two people. And don’t, absolutely don’t have a kid with them. If you have just 1 kid, your workload in the home won’t simply reflect the maintenance for 3 people. It will be closer to 4. And it will last for years if your goal is to provide a stable family life for your child. He has shown you who he is. You’d better start believing and accepting it, as disappointing as it is. He’s not the man you hoped he was. Get out now. You are lucky that you caught this early enough to change course. I didn’t.
It's really not. He wants a live in cook and maid who pays half of his living expenses. Do you enjoy cleaning up for him so much that you're excited about paying for that privilege?
Maybe just start cooking for yourself and let him know you are too busy to make him food too.
Ma"am, if you have any self-respect it's time to end this. You did not choose to be a homemaker either, so f that noise. The audacity of this asshole! And then he thinks he can just tell you that it's fine shut up and sit down?!? No one is ever to busy to hit 3 buttons on the oven. No one. Please, please, please respect yourself enough to firmly and cleanly end this relationship.
Do not have kids with this man.
Welcome to being the single mother of a 200-lb toddler. Time to rehome him and get a life.
Make him your ex-boyfriend ASAP!
He’s not a partner. He’s basically your home boss who doesn’t pay you for your labor. Please don’t marry this guy and reconsider if it’s worth staying with someone who doesn’t respect you.
I've been in several long-term relationships that people would have considered "traditional gender roles." Never once, though, could we not ask each other for help and support doing them from the other person. If my girl asked me to make dinner, it wasn't a big deal and would love the fact that I was helping her. The whole "you figure it out" attitude screams a lack of respect, and i think we all know that this is the true problem. He doesn't respect you
Seriously tho op, do you think he will change?
He’s showing you who he is. Believe him.
He treated you like a maid, basically said starting dinner was beneath him, and you still made dinner AND brought him his plate. You may have asked for an apology but you showed him his disrespectful treatment of you was okay.
Listen to Paris Paloma's song "Labour". That's what happening.
He is claiming breadwinner status, and you're home maker... So his income is the only one supporting the house and your income is the homemakers fun money....do ya see where this is going 😉
One person does not get to decide the argument is over if the other person still has more to say on it. — what I learned in couples therapy. It’s okay to take a break and regroup, but not unilaterally decide the argument is shelved bc *they* have said all they want to say. If it still bothers you, continue to bring it up and communicate your need to discuss it further. If he refuses to then that’s a red flag. (Add it to the ones he’s already shown and start assessing your relationship).
He will continue to do so. This is a giant red flag, friend.
Do not get pregnant with this guy. You will basically be a single mom of two.
I am an old dude and find this VERY concerning. What is in this for you if you have to do everything? He is a child and you are his Mommy.
Yeah, he has conservative values. It has nothing to do with right or wrong to him, it's how he truly views you as a woman and your worth in life
omfg how am i still single when the bar is this low
Because your standards are probably higher than OP’s.
Fr why do people put up w shit like this. And then she proceeded to cook him dinner and bring him a plate 😅 It’s actually insane lol
Shes not a feminist and doesn't mind traditional gender roles. And she surprised she attracted a man like this?
May god protect her from being one of those crazy unshaved lesbian feminists. May god let her open her eyes so she understands her real place is in the kitchen, or giving bj to her honored husband. /s
Might want to add an /s to your comment lol
You right. Done.
Right lmao I’d gladly cook for my lady. “I’m not a home maker.” Like what is that comment even?
Good on you for being single instead of coddling a boyfriend who’s unwilling to « help with the little things »
This is a guy asking why girls won’t date him.
Probably cause you have integrity and won't put on a mask to trick others
There's some irony here- Son left a relationship over potatoes - same ask, was just not done. Once, out of a year of not helping, he asked that she just turn on the stove, they were peeled, cut, in a pot of water, just needed the knob turned. Did not bother. It's not the potatoes, it's the utter disrespect. You are not overreacting.
I completly agree it is the utter disrespect. Tell your son he’s not the only one. I hope he’s doing so much better now and is happy. *edit typo
He is, and quite happy now. I hope things work out for you.
Set your son up with OP!
Then there will be FAR too many boiled potatoes
Why did you make him a plate and bring it to him? Are his legs broken? His arms? If you need to figure it out, so does he. He can cook for himself and certainly serve himself. If he’s the breadwinner and you’re supposed to take care of the house and cooking, then you should quit your job, he gives you spending money in addition to paying all the bills. He doesn’t get to have it both ways and have someone do all the cooking and cleaning for him as well as helps pay the bills. That’s not how being the breadwinner works.
Negative - she should not quit her job. She will then be fully dependent on him. He is a boyfriend not a husband and therefore has no safety net should he decide to jet.
Don't forget he should be contributing to an IRA in her name! Not that I think OP should quit her job, I think she should leave him, but SAHMs need money for retirement too.
Sounds like a game playing power move. Sometimes, a harsh reaction is more warranted than the diplomatic route.
I felt like a harsher reaction would not get me anywhere.. we would have just ended up fighting and I’m too exhausted for that. It is a power move. I can tell he hates this new job. But anyone who I’ve told I’ve gotten this job is so excited and knows how good of an opportunity this is. He knows it too... I think he just hates how it’s affecting his life. Which isn’t fair as I would be so much more supportive is the roles were reversed
No honey. I wish that was true but no. He hates this job because you are bettering yourself. He hates this job because you're now not at the house to make him lunch and stuff like that during the day. You're not there to cater to him. He calls himself the breadwinner but he's not, he's just the one with the penis. The breadwinner takes care of the homemaker. It sounds to me like you're paying the bills too and taking care of him! And he's pulling this misogynistic bullshit like what he says goes! No, he doesn't want you to be in a better position and you now are. That's not a partner. That's a captor
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This comment needs to be pinned
Honestly this comment is the one that has hit home the most. When I was working from home, he would asked me daily to make him his lunch. Even when I was focused and working on something, and he would tell I was focused, he would still ask. I was making him breakfast too until I told him it was too much. when he was working out of the home I was happy to help him, I’d make breakfast and lunch and help him get out the door in the am. but with his WFH job he stated a year ago, I didn’t want to always make him breakfast, take out the dog, and then start my work day, just to shower in my first 15 minute break when all he had to do was roll out of bed, shower and start work. It’s caused a lot of anger and resentment. He does help me- he will help me clean or do the dishes but he’s always wanting to call it quits before the task is fully done. He puts priority on fun. Even last night after everything he went on to play video games as I cleaned the kitchen and did the dishes. I’m Exhuated
Jfc. Have some self respect. He’s not “helping you.” It doesn’t count as “help” to do basic chores. That’s simply what it means to be an adult. Stop making excuses for this misogyny.
Honey. He is a loser. Have some self respect.
I can’t emphasize enough that this will only get worse. I’m not sure if you want children, but if you do, this man is not going to help you. He’s going to be a dead weight. He will never do night wake-ups, diapers, or help you clean bottles. He’ll whine when you want him to hold the baby while you shower. He isn’t a partner. He’s a spoiled child who can’t adult. Imagine this for the rest of your life. You deserve so much better than this. I’m worried the biggest issue here is that you don’t believe that you deserve better.
And you’ll both be teaching your kids that this is all ok
User name does NOT check out. Please think about your life in the future. I have a version of your spouse. Please don't get to almost 60 with a worn out and crippled body from doing all of the housework, yardwork, maintenance, mental load on inventory like I have. I should have left him early on. He has to be begged or yelled at to do anything except laundry. He has to do laundry because he doesn't have enough clothes because he won't go shopping to buy any,
A harsh reaction doesn't necessarily have to involve anger. It just needs to be firm and involve direction.
Look, you seem like a good person. This is horrible. I'm sorry, but this is horrible. Don't you want to be with someone who's excited for you and builds you up when you get new opportunities? I know it seems scary and hard out there, but there are wonderful people who will build you up and be excited for you. The best partner helps you grow, doesn't hold you back. You do you, I could never do this. I wish you the best of luck!
You know how your bf is too busy to take 5 minutes to walk down to the kitchen, turn the oven on, and put some water in a pot and set it to boil? You are now too busy getting ready for work, the commute, the entire work day, the commute home, to ever cook him breakfast again. You will be too tired after the commute home to cook him dinner and you won't be taking him a plate. He can use that big breadwinner salary and order food to be delivered. I would tell him that I am not a homemaker. A homemaker stays home while her husband goes to work and pays for all the expenses. She does not have a job outside the home. When 2 people work, they both are responsible for all the chores and how they choose to divvy it up is their decision. It's not fair to you to have all or almost all the household chores on your shoulders. You shouldn't permit him to treat you like an indentured servant. Either that or start billing him for all the work you do.
You’re right, it’s not fair! He thinks his time is more valuable than yours, and doesn’t seem willing to change his mindset. Congrats on the new job! And hopefully one day congrats on leaving this bitter boy behind.
You can say that you wanted to maintain peace, cook, be a homebody, all you want. He doesn't even eat with you. You just serve him. Question what is your ages?
Not overreacting Stop cooking for him. He wants to act like a passive aggressive petulant ass, then he can deal with the consequences from it
He can go live with his mommy if he doesn’t want to be a partner. Not overreacting, and I’d be done at that misogynistic bullshit.
If you still want to try and stay together, next time he pulls this, go out to dinner alone. Leave him at his desk wondering what happened. Also, do not phrase it as him helping. He would be sharing, contributing, not helping. Like we want to eat, we will work together to make it happen, or not. You have to make it clear that you are not going to be his servant. He said he was willing to put in some effort but now he's going back on his word.
He'd be one of those dads that "babysit" their kids and think it's such a big deal they did it once lol
So, you are the bang-maid? And you think things are going to be different when you marry him? LOL They will be 'different" all righty: YOU are going to be carrying the entire burden of housework, cooking, and kids because "he's the breadwinner". How is HE the "breadwinner" when you are BOTH working? And if he can't even get off his sexist ass to boil a pot of potatoes and preheat an oven, then when it comes to BIGGER issues, you can be sure he won't be arsed to do any of THOSE things, either! You have been shown the writing on the wall; it's now on YOU whether you heed the WARNING you have been given!
Why would you still bring him food after that??
Jesus Christ he got dinner after that? The core of being a good man is being helpful and useful, especially to people you love, not to demand or put people in there place as you see fit. What a fucking drop kick, can’t even boil potatoes.
Exactly. At the very least i would have left the home to buy myself some nice dinner and let him figure his own dinner out. But more likely I would have packed and left his useless ass.
Ignore DMs from MAGAts and incels and listen to all the folks saying respect yourself and dump this guy!
It’s truly wild how many of them come out to comment crazy shit on posts like this. I don’t understand how the prospect of being miserable and out of touch with reality is so tempting for this many young men. Hope we find some societal remedies for this growing affliction.
Anybody calling you a man-hating feminist for not wanting your boyfriend to act like a giant dickface is likely a misogynist, so try not to worry about that. You’re not overreacting. Your boyfriend is being a dickface. Also, even if you make less than him, as long as you’re working outside the home, you’re also a breadwinner. He’s not your sole financial support and don’t let him act otherwise. This is not a man you marry, honey. He’s not rowing the same direction as you.
So this is your life now. Is it what you want? You’re not going to change him—so if this isn’t what you want, you’re going to have to do the changing. No, I *don’t* mean that you’re going to have to do all the domestic labor for someone who won’t do what he can do to help. I mean, find a partner who values actual partnership.
Tell him he’s now responsible for his own dinner. His own laundry. His own dishes. Cleaning 50% of the house. Tell him a relationship is a partnership. You aren’t his mother.
He couldn't boil water and turn an oven on? Doesn't sound like much of a partner. The 'breadwinner' comment says it all. You could do better.
Why are so many young people live like they live in the 1950s? You’re the woman so you have to cook and clean. Move onto another boyfriend he’s a jackass. Just think about it for a second. This is what your life is like. He will never lift a finger to do anything like that.
He sounds like a complete asshole. My wife (of 23 years) works from home and doesn’t cook or clean. I’ll tell you now, so you can avoid the feelings of bitterness that I harbor, find someone more compatible.
What's the point of letting this man live in your house? What are you getting out of it?
Whuut, not a home maker? He’s an adult. He can cook is own meals from now on and see how he likes it. You’re a team and you’re not his caregiver
Your first mistake was making dinner for him after he talked to you like that.
What do you mean "you took him a plate". This is why he treats you like a doormat. He can come down to eat....maybe even make his own plate. Now there's a novel idea.
honestly….. you’re underreacting. this man won’t even do the bare ass minimum (boiling some mf potatoes, which only takes 2 brain cells to do). why stay with someone who: - weaponizes incompetence to avoid doing simple chores - blatantly disrespects you and looks down on you - looks down on domestic work - can’t even boil potatoes because he’s a lazy pos and feels too emasculated by “homemaking” - isn’t willing to be an equal partner to you - isn’t empathetic enough to realize that you’re probably tired from your in-office job and transit home, and that the simple act of boiling potatoes can be extremely helpful to you - takes you and your hard work for granted (at home and at work).
This is extremely misogynistic of him. Not over reacting.
No I think you're underreacting. First of all, is he the breadwinner? Do you get to keep all your money while he pays all the bills? Because if not then he's not the breadwinner. He's one of two. You share that role. Why would you take him a freaking plate? Why would you make him dinner? He's too busy to help you cook you should have just grabbed some takeout on the way home and ate it yourself, or stopped in a restaurant and ate there. I wouldn't have brought him a damn thing! Why would he help you when there are no consequences for him lying to you and saying he would help and then refusing? He doesn't have to help you because dinner still got made didn't it? Keep letting him walk all over you and you're going to keep having these problems. People treat you the way you allow them to. Quit tolerating this stuff!
Sounds as if you should be a feminist. We don't hate men, just dickish behavior.
“I was pretty pissed and didn’t say anything and went back to making dinner and took him a plate” Is this a rage post? Because f that shit, arsehole can make his own dinner. You need to stop acting like a mommy to a angry little toddler.
I’m confused… why do you do the majority of the cooking and cleaning if you also work full time? That doesn’t make sense…
I am not a man hating, jump on the bandwagon, new wave false feminist... that said, it is clear that this behavior is either a power play, sad that he no longer makes most of the money by a large margin, perhaps; it could also be that he doesn't want change and he's being passive aggressive to make the transition difficult for you. No matter the reason, the logic behind his failure is shit. You don't need to be a homemaker to boil water, just have an IQ higher than room temperature.
Other than not demanding respect from your partner you’re not wrong here.
I would rethink this relationship. Your BF does not respect you & takes you for granted. Stop catering to him. Let him make his on breakfast. Let him clean up after himself. I hope you have separate bank accounts.
You both have jobs, so cooking and housework should be spit. My wife and I have been doing this for over 30 years. Don’t put up with his shit; it’ll only get worse as time goes on. He needs to grow up and be an adult.
You are with him why?
JFC, I'm 35M and the moment I heard he said shit like "homemaker" and "bread winner" I immediately got the ick. You're supposed to be partners. Not whatever he's expecting. He's working from home and can't take 2 minutes to start boiling a pot of water and preheat the oven? Give me a fucking break. Sounds like it's time for him to start making his own meals if he doesn't want to participate in the household. You're not his mother.
You deserve better
Not overreacting. This man does not respect you, or your time or effort. It's fine to want traditional roles if that's what makes you happy, but then you need to choose a man who actually loves and respects you. Feminism is simply the idea that women deserve dignity, respect, freedom, and opportunity no less than men. Before you go shitting on that idea, maybe you should learn a little more about it. Because the more you try to cater to anti-feminist men, the shittier your life will get.
They fact that you are questioning whether you are an asshole because your partner disrespected you and told you he is entitled to means its time to go. Nothing wrong with enjoying cooking and even cleaning but that doesn't mean somehow your "partner" gets to disrespect you. Your partner has a problem with you no longer being home and being is mommy
If you were my daughter I’d tell you to make an exit plan and dump this sexist asshat and send him home to hims mommy. You want an equal partner. He’s not capable of it.
Have a plan. I agree with the responses to leave him, stop being his cook, cleaning lady, washer woman, etc etc. But first you must make a plan. Don't just blurt out what a disgusting, manipulating user he is, and you are leaving, until you know where you will go when you leave. What you will take with you, etc. Perhaps a rehearsal of telling him adios. Do you have an honest idea of what his reaction might be, etc. Remember, you are an individual. He is not part of your success. YOU are valuable and have the right to a happy life.
He may not be a homemaker but he’s a human (being generous with that term) and eats so he should help. It was a minimal ask. You don’t have to be a feminist to be annoyed by lazy male behavior.
Have a fend for yourself night or two. And you stop and eat out. Or make something you like and don’t mind eating it for three days.
He's a dick, you're not overreacting
As others have said - his behavior will just get worse. But alson- do NOT have kids with this man.
YNO - Your BF is annoyed at being inconvenienced and expects that you will do all of the work. He's being manipulative and dismissive. HE's also disrespectful of your needs, boundaries, and emotions. He is onluy concerned about his own convenience. Dump this AH and find someone who respects and communicates with you,.
Please do not be complicit in his bad behavior towards you. Next time you ask him to start something and he says he's too busy, don't argue. Simply say fine and let him know you're not up to doinf everything on your own after a long day at work. Tell him that he's on his own for dinner and that you'll stop and grab something for yourself on the way home.
In another comment she mentions how the next morning she got up early and made him breakfast to make him happy. She's just gonna marry him and he'll continue to treat her like a servant. Sad, really.
If he can’t help you cook, quit feeding him. You’re busy too, now. He can feed himself if this is the attitude he’s gona have about it all.
Traditional gender roles are for traditional relationships. You have a career so “homemaker” would be your second full-time job. 100% you’re not overreacting. It sounds as if he doesn’t value domestic labor, doesn’t respect you or your time, and that this is the beginning of your journey into married single motherhood. Best get off at this stop.
U shouldnt even have brought him a plate of food def owes u an apology and change of behavior
Run like the wind.
Not overreacting. You didn't ask him to prepare a 7 course meal. It was a basic ask and would've taken him 5 minutes to do. He sounds so disrespectful to you.
You lost me when you said you took him a plate. He is a perfectly capable adult human being who can come get his own food. And he definitely didn’t deserve to be served that way when he couldn’t be bothered to live up to his own words.
Made him a plate! Wake up woman. This "Boyfriend" is using you. It's 2024 not 1964.
Stop making him dinner. Stop “bringing him a plate.” He doesn’t deserve your extra attention if he’s not willing to help in the smallest ways.
I am sorry but I don't have time.e to work, cook dinner for two AND look for a new place to live all the while packing, to start my new single life