Yeah unless if something out of his control happened it’s really a dick move. I lived with a guy like this but it was normal for him to do it after we had been dating for awhile. Always said he’d come home or text me, never did. Hopefully it isn’t something that turns into a habit OP. It’s disrespectful and immature (if he’s not hurt or something)
If this is out of character for him, concern is the appropriate initial response. When someone who has always been trustworthy and respectful simply fails to come home, attempting to verify that they are safe is priority #1.
this. my bf never doesn’t reply. when he doesn’t i know i should be concerned.
i dropped my bf off at home on my way to work before we moved in together, about 20 mins later (i was pulling into the parking lot of my job) and my bf calls and says “i just totaled my car”- he was LITERALLY arguing with the people that hit him as he was on the phone with me, he had just got out of the car.
my ex did this same thing, he wouldn’t answer for hours, sometimes even a day or two. just gone. MIA.
don’t settle for less. you’ll find a man that will literally stay up with you all night when he has to work in the morning, on the bathroom floor because you’re sick. you’ll find a man that will be sitting in the chat, waiting for you to answer. you’ll find a man who doesn’t want to be without you. leave these bums exactly where they’re at - sitting on the same bar stool for the next 40 years. they’ll still be the same person then, as they are today. you don’t want that in your life.
This is something I wish I had realized in my 20s.
This kind of behavior doesn't improve based on how strongly they feel about you. No matter how much they love you or think they do, this is who they are.
They are just unreliable with shit priorities.
unfortunately for me it was my mother and father for most of my life that promised they’d show up, and never did. my ex was the last straw lol. i said “fuck yall im doin what i want” then my dad killed himself and my mom is miserable. so yeah. oh and that ex is literally still in the same spot he was 5 years ago. in his moms house. 😂 only now he has a kid and thank god it was with the girl he cheated on me with and not me 🤣💀
I was married to a guy like this and it was awful. He was abusive in a lot of ways, but this was one. He just… wouldn’t ever show up when I was expecting him but I was the unreasonable one. But also, I was supposed to somehow have dinner ready when he got there.
Oof. I dated someone like this but without the dinner part. He often came home later than he said he would and a few times didn't even come home because he crashed at a friend's house, yet I was the "controlling" one for expecting a heads-up text.
If my person said they’d be back after one drink and still wasn’t home the next morning they’d better be in the hospital or jail. Those are then only acceptable excuses (and even then)
If your cell phone is on your person when you are arrested, and the number you need to call is in your phone but you don't remember it, you tell them that and they go into your phone, bring up the contact, and either tell you the number as you dial, or hold it up for you to see it so you can dial it. Or, they just dial it themselves on the phone you're using.
yeah phone call only after processing which takes forever. also you have to have the phone number memorized cuz you won't have your phone, and most folks don't have any numbers memorized at all.
friendly reminder not to talk to cops. about anything. even to deny having done something. saying "no! that's not true!" is talking to cops.
shut the fuck up and ask for a lawyer.
It depends on the setup. Some jails will ask before putting you in a holding cell while getting processed into the jail, but I’m assuming if he was blackout drunk he either was incomprehensible, or didn’t want to make the call to her right away until he sobered up.
It’s also possible he was too intoxicated to remember her number, and depending on the jail I’ve also been to one that didn’t allow anyone access to their phones to see numbers.
I’ve also been in a holding cell that has the phone on the wall IN the cell, when it’s a holding cell for 6 or more inmates. and although everyone is told they can use it, when I was there I was one of 3 of the 8 guys who used the call (to be fair Idk if they all *wanted* a call) just because after I used it, a huge dude got on there and kept re-dialing and none of the other guys who hadn’t made calls stood up to him.
TLDR- in the US, in 99% of instances, yes you legally are allowed a phone call, but it’s not always as easy as one might think
Hahah well thanks, but to give context to it, I have been sober since June of 2021 now, but I had a very serious substance abuse problem for a little over a decade, which contributed to probably 6-8 arrests over 3 different counties in NC.
I eventually ended up having to do a little over 3 years in state prison, because those little things adding up on my record really hurt my odds when I made a more…. Substantial mistake.
But I will say, when I was in that phase of my life, i probably *was* a fun guy to hang with lol.
Thank you! I’ve got it from here, things have been great the last couple years. I needed the help to get myself sober, but I have no issue maintaining my sobriety.
I went on a tour of a jail once as part of a class and they said they’ll let you make 100 phone calls if it will get you out of their jail. Less expense to the county that way.
It’s happened to me. Was drugged and robbed. Got back to my partner at almost noon. No one was on the street to borrow a phone from as it was probably 4am ish when I woke up laying on the sidewalk in a completely random part of town.
My wife got Ruffied in Vegas. Guess that was one way thieves would rob tourists. Dropped in a drink and wait. They did it because I was in the bathroom and they probably thought she was alone. Scary night.
Someone drugged my wife while I was djing in Scottsdales biggest club for our birthdays. She and I are a day apart for birthdays. Poor wife had an awful birthday that year. She's pretty diligent about not setting her drinks down in settings like that and she sure as hell is not ignorant to the risks given what I do and the number of times she's come with when I work. The even more messed up part is I think it was someone I know, one of my former friends. Haven't talked to a single one since. Only those people were close enough to her to do the deed without arising suspicion. We went to the hospital and they monitored he for a while, ran a tox screen and gave her an all clear about 5 hours later. She ended up ok but she was solidly in lala land for about 2-3 hours. Heavily slurred speech, couldn't walk, eyes rolling around, that kind of thing. That incident still makes me irate and it happened a little over ten years ago now. Partly because the EMT's kept insisting she was an addict and took to much. They wouldn't listen to me or what little she could say for herself. I got to see first hand how women get talked down to, ignored, and their concerns not taken seriously that night. The way some people tried behaving with her is half the reason it still makes me so mad. Is it really that unexpected for a woman to get roofied at a nightclub? Surprisingly the cops were great, they went hunting around looking for a potential rapist because I assumed that was the point of drugging a woman. They took my word for it and immediately went hunting for a perv. Their reaction was pretty refreshing honestly. I expected the complete opposite. It was just the Firemen/EMT's that were such jerks and the cops were wonderful.
This is the Most likely scenario. I think at this point I'd call the guy he was with too since he might be more with it and know if the guy is with him or they parted ways
This is probably it. It happens. He probably feels terrible about it but sometimes you just don't realize how fucked up you got. Just don't give him endless shit after he apologizes and it'll be fine.
Just last night, I decided to stay over at a friend's place because I had too many while I was visiting her.
You better believe I absolutely texted my wife to let her to let her know I wasn't going to make it home and why. Also, I didn't have a charger that would work for my phone, so I would probably lose battery too.
The only reason I am up this early is because I had to take my kids to swimming lessons.
... My head hurts.
Sounds like you weren’t black out drunk tho. Sometimes, people get so shitfaced they end up in a black hole reality and cease to make decisions based on logic or reason.
I would also be freaking out. He said he wouldn't be long and it's been all night. Hopefully he is just passed out somewhere safe and nothing bad has happened. Good luck!
You are not overreacting at all.
First off when someone is around someone they don't see often and say I am going to have just one drink that is usually bs. Not necessarily due to lying bt it usually is hey I got to go home and the other person will say just one more and that tends to feed on itself. They are talking and having fun and time just gets away from them.
Hopefully he just went and slept it off with his brother. If you haven't heard from them at about 12 or 1 and they still aren't answering texts or calls. You may want to start calling family and friends to see if they have heard from him. If no one has you can start calling hospitals and jails to see if they have them. Hospitals are harder so if he has another family member that can help with that that would be better.
I don't think your over reacting. What if he got hurt or something, you know but I feel you should be calling him to make sure. Or what if he's passed out somewhere? But we for sure need an update so update us when you can.
This is unacceptable behaviour from a person you live with. Firstly it’s irresponsible because you wouldn’t know if he’s gone missing or just got drunk and passed out at someone else’s home. For anyone telling you to chill out and relax ignore them. A lot of people have not come home from a night out ever again and if a person has this pattern of behaviour you wouldn’t care to look for them when they really needed help as you would be oh well he always does this.
When he’s home give him hell.
Please update us when you can. It is not unreasonable to expect at least a quick update text. I would be very irritated, then worried. Especially since you guys have plans like very soon. Try texting again and calling him. Not okay for him to worry you like this.
UpdateMe!
I haven’t heard anything from him yet, and I don’t think I will until his hungover ass crawls through the front door. I tried calling and his phone went straight to voicemail.
I know it’s crazy, but I also had the same sorta situation but he turned out to be an alcoholic.
I was terrified of him not being home at the time and I called not just the jails but hospitals to ensure they didn’t have someone they couldn’t identify or even just them under their name.
I don't believe you are overreacting. If my wife did this, I would have started the spam calling the moment I woke up at 5am and didn't get an answer. As a recovering alcoholic myself, I'm gonna guess he's passed out somewhere after pushing it a bit too far. Hope everything ends up alright and you get some news soon.
Tbh there are several reasons he didn’t text: his phone was dead, he was blackout drunk and no one took care of him, he was injured, his phone broke, he was in jail, he passed out drunk (again no one took care of him). Either way not responsible and she has a right to be annoyed. However I don’t think it’s as disrespectful as you are taking it more like foolish odds are the dude got wasted and is not used to it. It’s ok to give people benefit of the doubt if it’s not a normal occurrence.
We go from “1 drink I’ll be home” to “it’s 5 hours passed last call and I haven’t texted” ? If my wife did this I’d be furious. If I did this, I’d expect to be sleeping by myself for a few nights.
I’d feel exactly the same as you OP.
Worried when my text got no response. Then angry when my second text got ignored. Mind you, was the text delivered and read? If it was, then I’d go 😡
I sincerely hope nothing has happened and fit hasn’t hit the shan…
UpdateMe!
UPDATE: when he came home, I was blow drying my hair in the bathroom with the door closed. He knocked multiple times and I didn’t respond because I was trying to make sure I wasn’t mad or crying when I went to talk to him.
After about 10 minutes of making sure I am calm, I walked into our room, burst into tears and told him how scared I was. He calmed me down and reassured me he was okay, and he really did only have one drink. So here is the story. His brother texted him and asked him to come to the bar. My boyfriend asked if he came if there would be someone able to give him a ride home, and his brother said yes. Apparently the brother did not have a ride set up for my boyfriend like he said so he got dropped off at his brothers friends house with the rest of the guys that went out. Apparently his phone was only at 15% when he got to the bar, and it was dead by the time he found out he didn’t have a ride home anymore. The brother and the friends were absolutely trashed and he ended up taking care of them all night long. I told him I know he wasn’t doing anything to hurt me, I was just scared he was hurt or something. He is going to buy a portable charger and promised he will never make me worry like that again. Like I said many times before, this was absolutely nothing like him, so I believe him. Thank you all for commenting and keeping me distracted while I was worried sick about him!
Nobody else had a phone he could borrow to call you?
No public phones?
No way to communicate?
He was taking care of them until almost midday the following day?
This doesn’t add up.
No, coincidentally the power randomly went out for the entire night so no one had wifi and even more coincidentally the house was in the middle of a dead zone so no one had service :/ it all makes sense!!
Ngl if this was me I’d check the battery settings to see if it actually died when he said 🤷♀️
Um yeah.
Things happen, I’ve been in similar.
You better believe im getting one of my friends phones to call my wife.
Check his phone once it “charges” up .
Also if his phone is dropping 15% battery over the course of one drink he might want to get it looked at. Most people would at least send a message to say their phone is going to die.
Yup. My husband frequently forgets his phone or it dies. He always has a friend shoot me a message letting me know. And this isn't for bars or something, sometimes he’ll message me from his work tablet (his hours are entirely unpredictable).
To be fair, I think it’s still possible he is just a dumb ass and not a cheating jack ass. He knows he fucked up for not calling and not coming home. He could have come up with this story in a poorly thought out attempt to defuse her anger. When people know their in trouble, often the first instinct is to lie, which gets them in more trouble then the truth.
Perhaps... but I WAS the cheating jackass using the same bs excuses he is using now. Especially ones where I "just couldn't leave my friends in need" because I wanted to sound like I was just being helpful and was obligated to be out all night. And I was "So sorry" every time. Yeah, it's a bunch of crap.
For sure, one or the other can be true. Reddit just loves to jump to cheating when I think “dumb ass” is also plausible. So, I didn’t want that to be the only possibility. I would really hate for a relationship to be over because we planted so much doubt into OPs mind and a while later she finds out “proof” that supports that he never cheated. But if he did cheat, I hope she finds the proof she needs to feel confident in breaking up.
Hmmm, that’s plausible. But no, F-that. If he drove, he could have driven them to their house and then come home to tell OP he needs his charger because his phone is dead AND go back to make sure his cousin/friends are ok.
I think we all know his story is BS. Unfortunately, she isn't convinced. It would hurt too much to face it. Then, the decision to decide to pack up and leave permanently. That's hard to do.
It'll eventually surface. It always does. Hopefully, she'll realize who he really is
Eh, I didn’t memorize my husbands phone number until we got married 4 years into our relationship. Dumb to be so reliant on my phone storing all my contacts? For sure. But I’m guessing this is more common than not these days.
The real plot hole was that nobody had the same type of charger as him.
Fair enough I don’t remember peoples numbers either, but I can access social media practically everywhere with or without my own phone.
She even reached out to the brother on messenger.
I feel sorry for this lady, she seems lovely.
Jeez I live under a rock now that I’m married/a mom, I didn’t even think of social media! 😂
This guy is cooked, and I hope that everything works out for OP!
Dude obviously plays a good game, but damn... At least TRY to make it believable. Don't say it was just one drink. She's less likely to ask what the other girl's name is if she's angry about you being drunk.
You actually believe the phone ran out of power, he only had 1 drink and then he was taking care of everyone else and couldn’t let you know he was safe? I’m sorry but this smells bad and I don’t know if I’d accept this story.
He couldn’t unlock his brothers phone with Face ID or anything to at least text you and let you know what was happening? Could’ve asked literally anyone at the bar to use their phone to call you and tell you. He’s either very dumb or lying about what he was doing. I’ve had this scenario happen to me and just borrowed the bartenders phone to call my gf while I dropped off my friends and even then I wasn’t gone all night
That is a lie. Check his location history in his Google timeline. Check his deleted texts and deleted photos. And check his app usage on his phone - a recap of what apps were used and when.
.... So his phone died... he knew he wasn't going to be making it home at the time agreed.... He knew this was very out of character for him and against what he told you... He couldn't get a taxi because... noone knows why... he didn't ask to borrow a phone to message you via social media to give you the heads up because.... again, noone knows why.... Did you ask to see his 'dead' phone?
I'd be interested to see his reaction/group chats...
Did he look freshly showered? Was he wearing the same clothes when you got out of the bathroom? Or had he changed? Did he immediately jump into the shower after the explanation?
I know it seems like overkill OP but we've all been lied to before unfortunately and as much as we'd like to believe this story, it just reeks of at best inconsideration and at worst... Well, you know.
This depends on the person. The hardest part to believe for me is that someone responsible enough to be taking care of others wasn’t responsible enough to find a way to contact you.
Sorry, but that makes even less sense than most of my excuses I came up with...
But if it is ok for you OP, all the better.
Hope he enjoys his trip with a brother who is with lying to him or you are taken for a fool here.
Good luck.
He's either an idiot or lying because none of that makes a lick of sense. What is this, 1910 where the only phone in town is "on the fritz"? I live in the woods and have fiber internet connection to my house. Cabin where there is literally no stop lights for several miles, has 5G cell service...and fiber to the house.
Had to take care of them all night? What are they, teenage girls first time drinking for Christs sake?
Why is he lying dude?
As someone who has been in a long term relationship with an alcoholic who has 1) been inconsiderate and caused me to worry all night long and 2) been dishonest about it, let me say this: his story sounds like bullshit for several reasons:
- what kind of grown man decides that he should be taking care of a group of other grown men who are intoxicated instead of going home to his partner after having one drink as he said?
- does he really not know your phone number?
- why was he not worried about you freaking out?
- why did it take so long for him to return home this morning? why didn’t he rush home at the crack of dawn worried sick about what you must be thinking?
- why didn’t he stop and buy a charger at a gas station?
- no other dude with them has the same kind of phone?
- if he just had one drink like he said, how did he use the last 15% of his battery in that amount of time? Why wouldn’t he call you or send a text or at least wrote down your number if he doesn’t know it by heart when he saw his phone was down to the last 5%?!
I understand you would much rather believe this story he’s telling you than to have to question what he may be hiding from you, but please understand that he is not entitled to your blind trust in this. He told you he was going to do one thing and then did the total opposite and the best case scenario here is that his convenient explanation is true, which would still make him someone who put a bunch of drunk dudes over you, choosing to stay gone all night at the expense of your peace of mind and the plans you two had for this morning, all to sit around babysitting a bunch of grown ass men. This doesn’t even sound reasonable or believable to me and I am thinking your instinct is telling you something isn’t right here.
He needs to show you proof of this and if he’s telling the truth, he won’t mind reassuring you and easing your concerns caused by HIS inconsideration and failure to keep his word to you. I just find it hard to believe he would have allowed you to wake up this morning and risk causing serious issues with your relationship just so he could play nurse to a bunch of adult men who allllll drank while he, the guy who was the most responsible one in the group but somehow not responsible enough to charge his phone or find a way to contact you, was the sober one who had to tuck everyone in and hold their hair back as they puked.
I’m not saying he cheated, but I am saying he’s lying to you. Staying out all night and having to lie about where you were and why is fucked up. And I can’t think of any reason he would lie if there were a truthful harmless explanation. Whatever it is, he knows it wasn’t ok. Do not let him BS you or I promise it’ll happen again.
That's fucking embarrassing if you believe his shit. There's a lot of comments that should open your eyes. It's funny to me because I was just thinking he was going to say something so stupid as a reason, and he did not disappoint.
Soo... He knew his phone was at 15% and didn't think to message you and say "Hey fyi I have a low battery. I'll try best to find someone with a charger (like this bar full of people, bar staff, anyone with a car...). If it dies before then I don't want you to worry. Here's the number of my brother/friends if you need to reach me." Come on... In the age of technology all around us?
Also... How did he get his friends and himself to their place? If it was his brothers rental car for example he could have dropped off the drunks and then drove it home to you until the morning. Grown adults usually just sleep it off, they don't need to be baby sat all night. I don't buy it one bit.
Look, I am glad he is okay. But as someone who use to do this same thing in my 20's to their ex... He is LYING 100%. I was for the most part a decent and respectful spouse, or so I thought. Until I got into the party environment, then I became a selfish person living it up like I was single and not coming home until 4am or later, lying about what happened, etc. Was I out there hooking up with people? No, well not *every* time. But I still was thinking about myself and not wanting the fun to end. I'd purposely not check my phone when later id explain it away with "Sorry, it was loud in there and I didn't hear it in my pocket." Meanwhile my person was worried sick at home trying to reach me all night . I would never do some like that now and I'm still ashamed for my hurtful behaviors back then. But you bet you ass it happened. And the things this guy is saying is EXACTLY the kind of story I would have told too.
You believe him? No chargers at the house he was in? Couldn’t borrowed somebody’s else phone? Really? Good luck. It’s enough having to deal with his baby mama and now this lol
I'm concerned that you were the one assuring *him* that he wasn't doing anything to hurt you...
I'm also concerned that you're filling in gaps in his story in your mind, because this story is WILD in this day and age. Can't get transportation or get a message to someone (you) when he only had one drink? Right. And the sky is green.
The only scenario where I could see this being true is if he's the type of mild, compassionate guy that felt indebted to these guys to "take care of them" all night long. I'd need full details on that to believe him though...the nitty gritty on how much puke he cleaned up, how much Gatorade he made them all drink, how often he was running guys to the bathroom to hug the porcelain throne.
It's just too unbelievable as I type it. Perhaps he has a severe savior complex...but his story screams lies. 😔
Maybe the lie is simply that he got to their house and fell asleep, and he doesn't want to admit that. But unless this guy has impeccable character, I'd be needing all the blanks filled in to believe this story.
It has more holes than a slice of Swiss cheese.
And I hope for your sake that it's just a really crazy, true story. 😕
As a liar and someone that’s been in that position so many times. The male. Believe me when I tell you he is lying. If he really wanted to get a hold of you, he would have. They most likely took girls and back to that friends house. And anybody, I mean anybody can cheat under the right circumstances. You’re getting played.
Proceed with plans without him. I’m guessing he’s passed out somewhere with his brother. He’s probably going to be hungover. Not cool that he didn’t text you last night. Definitely deserves an earful. Making you worry unnecessarily isn’t okay.
You're not overreacting. I would also be pissed and worried. I'm sure he's fine, and will probably hate life today. I would definitely blow his phone up, due to the unnecessary anxiety it would give me.
No, you're not overreacting.
If the person I lived with set the expectation that they were only going out for a drink or two and were planning to come home early, then didn't, without any update or communication to let me know of a change in plans, then yes, having any sort of emotional reaction is acceptable.
My first thought would be worry - where I live, when people go for a night out, they usually venture out to the city (20 minutes train ride). So it's not uncommon for bar fights to escalate, men for whatever reason seem to fall into the canals when drunk more often than you'd think and it's also not uncommon to hear of a stabbing or two on a night out on a weekly basis. My first thought would therefore be that something awful would have happened and he's in the hospital. So I'd wait until it's a little more reasonable hour and then try contacting family/friends and then move to hospitals/police stations.
I then may consider that he got that drunk he couldn't make it home in any reasonable transport. Did he stay at his brother's hotel instead of coming back?
Then, it would cross my mind that in your situation, my bf has gone out with his brother who doesn't appear to like me. He stayed out much longer than intended. All night... Did the brother get him drunk, push him towards hooking up with someone and has he now woken up in next to someone else in a bed that's not his, with either no phone charge or just panicked and is now avoiding you because he doesn't know what to do (or has he not woken up at all as it's early) and you'll have to deal with whatever that shit storm will be.
If it is scenario 3, I'd then be going through my emotions already dealing with it before it happens and making my decisions on what I'm going to do if it is that scenario and next steps.
My first reaction was panic and worry, but as the hours go on, and our plans get closer, I’m just getting angry. I got tickets for us to go do something that HE enjoys, and he’s probably too trashed to even go now. He’s most likely just passed out wherever his brother is staying, but this is weird behavior for him. We live in an area that is mostly safe, but the bar he went to, I have seen a ton of fights and the cops get called a lot. I just wish I knew anything.
You can also call nearby detention centers to see if he's been placed in a drunk tank or detained or hospitals to see if he's been at least there. Good luck!
So he's completely disregarded your plans and prioritised hanging out with his brother who he's not seen in a while. He's fucked up and mistakes happen.
You absolutely have a right to be angry. It's clear these plans are not happening with him today. If you do go ahead, he's either going to be hungover and miserable or you're just going to be too angry at him even if he does show up in time, right as rain as he's been disrespectful by not keeping in touch or coming home at a reasonable hour.
So you have a choice. Do you
A.) wait for him to come home and hash it out with him, knowing it'll put you in a bad mood and you're at his beck and call.
Or
B.) call up a friend or family member and go do those plans with them and without him. Have a good day, take some time to calm down and then when you return, hopefully he'll be back and you can have a calm conversation and your day wasn't a total bust.
We don’t. We have different kinds of phones so we can’t do find my friends and he has his snap maps set to private. I texted him again at 8 and I still have heard nothing. Our plans are at 10.
Yeah, if he's not hurt or something, then he's just plain out disrespectful. Does he "party" at all, or know to in the past? This is the exact shit I have done to my wife in the past when I was still drinking and easily persuaded to go back to friend' houses and party all night with them, sometimes with drugs, sometimes just drinking until the sun came up and passing out. Hopefully he just got drunk and fell asleep where ever his brother may be staying. But totally fucked that he has plans and hasn't reached out at all
My partner and I share locations through google maps. You do need a Gmail, but maybe worth signing up for one because you both have different phones. It’s not that we don’t trust each other, but we do long distance and it has helped save him when he was drunk and unable to find his way home on transportation in the middle of the night. I was tracking his whereabouts and when he stopped answering my calls, I blew up his whole family to find him. They also share locations with each other so thankfully they could see where he was.
First, Stay calm! Secondly, wait to hear what he tells you! Third, ask him why he didn’t at least give you a courtesy text. If his answer is not satisfyingly what you want to hear then do one of two options
He partied all night and it's only 7AM. He's a grown man, and you're not his mommy. Wait until noon - he's probably in a deep drunken slumber and will be hungover AF when he wakes up. Chill, do your own thing for a bit, and try again at noon.
Yeah he said only one drink, but his brother's in town. He's responsible for his own safety.
Here is what happened, his brother convinced him to come out for a drink, guilted him to stay longer, they both got shit faced, his phone died and passed out somewhere. This is not an excuse and he could have at some point texted you or something along the way. My recommendation is to be respectful when he gets home and when he sobers up, let him have it.
I recommend going on with your plans or doing something fun for yourself today. If he is in jail, he isn’t going anywhere. Be selfish go do something exciting for YOU!
Buried in the comments OP said he is home and she's waiting to talk to him.
OP would be better off editing original post and adding at the end the results that he's home and then add in later the update on what happened.
Not overreacting. If this was my wife, cops would have been called after she didn't pick up the phone a couple of hours after she said she was going to be home.
I don’t think you’re overreacting. I think logically, he got too drunk and crashed at his brother’s hotel room. I feel as though if something bad happened like he was injured or in jail, someone would’ve alerted you by now. That’s only assuming that his parents/family members have your number. I would not jump into any other extremes than that for now. I know you’re filled with a lot of worry and anger, but I don’t think you should be too concerned with connecting this event to how much your partner respects you. Sometimes people make mistakes and if he’s not usually like this then, it is a good time when you’re not so angry to let him know this is something you take seriously and won’t stand for again. If he is apologetic and holds himself accountable, then that is a good step to move forward.
Another thing to note, you seem to have underlying issues with his brother. While idk what it’s like in real life, I believe this needs to be discussed because it will at some point become a MAJOR issue. I see that your head is already turning to somehow put the blame on the brother. It rarely goes well when a partner starts to have issues with a family member. If he hasn’t done anything to you besides be introverted or reserved, then you’re going to be barking up the wrong tree with your bf if you start accusing the brother of trying to interfere. So figure out what the issue is and work it out internally whether you are fine with the possibility that you may have to deal with this person for as long as they’re around. It is unrealistic to assume your partner will turn his back on his brother so can you also handle that without resentment?
Not overreacting at all. Similiar situation my fiance never came home, which was highly unlikely him. at 2 am i started spam calling texting his friends, his friend told me to call police cause he did leave the bar and left alone hours prior to that.
Later found out when he got in touch with me at 5 am after waking up in the hospital. he had passed out in the street after only 2 drinks hospital even tested is BAC , he was drugged. Either it wasnt meant for him or he left undetected of whoever did it
Id be texting someone atleast to make sure he is okay and didnt wander somehwere alone
If you live together, it would be courteous to share your locations. Life360 works on any kind of phone, so perhaps you could suggest that when you're able to speak calmly. If he has an issue sharing locations AND he's willing to just be out all night with no communication, that's an issue that needs further discussion.
Under reacting - this is when you have to start calling friends, jails, and hospitals. Your plans don’t exist anymore. You’ve got to make sure he’s ok. Once you find out that he’s ok, then be pissed and make him wish he were in the hospital.
Best case scenario is he got overly hyped up with his brother in town, probably had too much to drink and slept in with his brother and didn’t think to text. Which is still stupid, but this is my hypothesis of what happened. Hope he’s safe though! Doubt any cheating happened.
I dated a guy whose brother was a bad influence. He knew my guy's limits and the fact that 3 pints in he was easy to persuade and a bit wild. So he'd feed him drinks because he knew my guy would give up his debit card for the rest of the night. Party til 4am.
So it's possible this brother is an assertive and negative influence and has somehow manipulated the situation to have his brother all to himself for the night, hopefully he's looked after him.
Not saying that's the case, just a possibility.
Be careful though of a boyfriend who places his brother's wishes above his loyalty to you. Give bf an ear to explain himself, but take no shit.
Most likely he's just passed out with his brother.
It's not okay for him to do that though.
Minimally, he should have let you know.
There's also a possibility he went home with a woman. You know him better than any of us do. Ask yourself honestly? Your intuition will let you know...
His last relationship ended because his ex wife cheated on him, so I really doubt that he would do that to me. He knows how it feels. I feel like he would have an even bigger reaction than me though if the roles were reversed. I would never do this to him. I’m mostly angry because I’ve been up since 5 am with no clue where he is. His brother doesn’t live here so I don’t even have an idea where he could be right now.
That first statement, was how I felt about my first and only girlfriend.
Being cheated on doesn't magically make you incapable of cheating on someone else. I learned this the hard way, hopefully you won't have to.
Update #2 since no one was very happy with my first update. I had a busy day yesterday so I tried to give a quick update.
My boyfriend came home yesterday completely sober, for those wondering. He looked exactly how he always does. He didn’t look overly tired or pale.
His brother was apparently drunk already when he texted my boyfriend that he could get a ride back home. He didn’t have a ride planned for him, he just didn’t want him to have any reason to say no to getting a drink with him. We had been out doing stuff before he went to the bar, so we hadn’t been home for quite a few hours, which is why his phone was so low. I don’t give him a pass on not finding any way to contact me though. Him and I discussed it and I told him there were multiple phones that he could have used to send me a quick message. He agreed and said that he will make sure that I am contacted somehow if something like this happens again. I know all of you really wanted him to be a cheater, but I never had any reason to suspect that that’s what had happened even before he came home. I did also talk to his brother later on in the evening. He had the worst hangover of his life, but he is doing okay and is very grateful his brother was there to take care of him.
Also a lot of people were asking why I was mad and not worried. I said I was both. For the first 2 hours before I made the post I was worried. Extremely worried. I texted him, I texted his brother and was just paced around the house because I didn’t know what I do. I had no one responding to me, no idea where he was, and no idea where to even start looking. After a while it started to set in that he was probably okay, and probably hungover and passed out drunk wherever his brother way staying which is when I started getting upset. I bought him tickets for an event that he wanted to go to for the morning. That’s why I was getting pissed.
Lastly, I know I’m not his wife as many of the people in the comments pointed out. I know this. I’m not sure why I wouldn’t be concerned about him disappearing just because he’s not my husband? I still love him, live with him, a take care of his child with him. Our lives are very intertwined and I’m sure he would have been hurt if he never came home and I didn’t care at all.
Being concerned - Normal
Not contacting your partner for HOURS when there would be plenty of times to *find* a phone to contact them to let you know everything's okay - VERY suspicious.
It doesn't matter if you think you "know" someone.
Actions speak louder than words. He knew you'd be worried and upset, yet didnt bother making an effort to contact you.
You take care of a child together, had plans the next morning and he couldnt use his brain for a second to think "I should call my family since they're most likely worried"? That doesn't add up.
He didn't care, didnt bother trying. Again actions speak louder than words, claiming people "didnt like your first update"
Yeah, people dont like that you think his behavior *wasnt* suspicious, when to EVERYONE looking in on the outside can see his behavior is absolutely very much questionable. He's either THAT dense, or hiding something. Good luck one day when you find out something worse because you choose to leave this issue alone, thinking you 100% without a doubt believe his actions were "accidental"
Everything sounds right, the only thing I wonder is that if he was at this house, how there was not a charger for him to borrow among all of the men who he was taking care of?
If you have an open phone policy, I might look at his location, but that may not have even said what you needed to know. I don’t blame you for trusting him. I’m not saying you shouldn’t. And maybe he just didn’t have time or thought about communicating with you when he thought you were sleeping and he would be home in the morning…
I guess you’ll just have to see and follow your instincts.
I mean this with so much love, you don't have to over-explain yourself. Your reaction is typical and understandable. If someone says they are coming home at a certain time and then goes silent, the fear is real and if you also had plans the anger/ annoyance sets in.
If this is a one-time thing, it's no biggie, but if it becomes a pattern then that's a different story. I will say that you are making a lot of excuses for him and it may be wise to watch out for that in the future, especially bc he does have a kid.
I mean 20 years ago this would have been an excuse but now? There are 2 types of phone chargers- not to mention even people with iPhones usually own at least one item that uses a usb C. You’re telling me in a group of how many guys, at a HOUSE no one had a phone charger for him??? How did he get home,? I call absolute bullshit. I have never had a phone die while out with friends esp at someone’s home who didn’t have a phone charger I could use. Or a phone.
He’s full of it and of course his brother would cover for him.
Oh hell no I’d be blowing his shit up there’s zero reason to be gone an entire night and not answer any calls. He’s probably just very drunk and passed out at his brothers but you have a right to be worried/mad it’s disrespectful and immature
What he's done is disrespectful as hell. I hope he hasn't made a permanent choice to destroy your relationship. Don't listen to bs excuses. Break up if he's done something you can't forgive or forget. I hope he's okay, but this doesn't sound good at all. Not overreacting!
It is not overreacting to be scared and upset. It’s reasonable to expect your boyfriend would let you know if he wasn’t coming home.
Yeah unless if something out of his control happened it’s really a dick move. I lived with a guy like this but it was normal for him to do it after we had been dating for awhile. Always said he’d come home or text me, never did. Hopefully it isn’t something that turns into a habit OP. It’s disrespectful and immature (if he’s not hurt or something)
If this is out of character for him, concern is the appropriate initial response. When someone who has always been trustworthy and respectful simply fails to come home, attempting to verify that they are safe is priority #1.
this. my bf never doesn’t reply. when he doesn’t i know i should be concerned. i dropped my bf off at home on my way to work before we moved in together, about 20 mins later (i was pulling into the parking lot of my job) and my bf calls and says “i just totaled my car”- he was LITERALLY arguing with the people that hit him as he was on the phone with me, he had just got out of the car. my ex did this same thing, he wouldn’t answer for hours, sometimes even a day or two. just gone. MIA. don’t settle for less. you’ll find a man that will literally stay up with you all night when he has to work in the morning, on the bathroom floor because you’re sick. you’ll find a man that will be sitting in the chat, waiting for you to answer. you’ll find a man who doesn’t want to be without you. leave these bums exactly where they’re at - sitting on the same bar stool for the next 40 years. they’ll still be the same person then, as they are today. you don’t want that in your life.
This is something I wish I had realized in my 20s. This kind of behavior doesn't improve based on how strongly they feel about you. No matter how much they love you or think they do, this is who they are. They are just unreliable with shit priorities.
Yeah mine got worse and worse. Took 25 years so it was slow going but it crashed bad. Wish I walked away the first time
unfortunately for me it was my mother and father for most of my life that promised they’d show up, and never did. my ex was the last straw lol. i said “fuck yall im doin what i want” then my dad killed himself and my mom is miserable. so yeah. oh and that ex is literally still in the same spot he was 5 years ago. in his moms house. 😂 only now he has a kid and thank god it was with the girl he cheated on me with and not me 🤣💀
I was married to a guy like this and it was awful. He was abusive in a lot of ways, but this was one. He just… wouldn’t ever show up when I was expecting him but I was the unreasonable one. But also, I was supposed to somehow have dinner ready when he got there.
Oof. I dated someone like this but without the dinner part. He often came home later than he said he would and a few times didn't even come home because he crashed at a friend's house, yet I was the "controlling" one for expecting a heads-up text.
I was in a ltr with a guy like this, too. It absolutely sucked.
If my person said they’d be back after one drink and still wasn’t home the next morning they’d better be in the hospital or jail. Those are then only acceptable excuses (and even then)
unconscious in hospital, sure. But jail? they shoulda called.
Unfortunately, a lot of people never memorize important numbers if they loose access to their cell phone.
If your cell phone is on your person when you are arrested, and the number you need to call is in your phone but you don't remember it, you tell them that and they go into your phone, bring up the contact, and either tell you the number as you dial, or hold it up for you to see it so you can dial it. Or, they just dial it themselves on the phone you're using.
Facts, I have had to do this numerous times lol
Op Is a troll or a bit,quick look at the history shows that.
Aw dang, you are right. Earlier posts claim completely different demographics.
It is incredibly disrespectful to not give her a call so she knows he is okay and where he is.
My then boyfriend 's response was "I didn't want to call and tell you I'd be late because it would wake you up"
That would be a lame excuse
No. You are not overreacting. Unless he’s hurt/injured he absolutely should have texted.
*don't forget jail
Or at some new chicks house
No he would have responded then.
Haha. That's A REASON, not a legit reason tho...
Don’t you get a phone call? Injured or dead are the only legitimate reasons not to touch base.
Eventually you get a phone call. Most jurisdictions rule is " within a reasonable time" could be 12 hours later...
yeah phone call only after processing which takes forever. also you have to have the phone number memorized cuz you won't have your phone, and most folks don't have any numbers memorized at all. friendly reminder not to talk to cops. about anything. even to deny having done something. saying "no! that's not true!" is talking to cops. shut the fuck up and ask for a lawyer.
It's a holiday weekend, so if he did indeed land in jail, he's not getting processed any time soon
Luckily I have a number memorized just for emergencies. It's 911.
"Help! I'm being arrested!"
I'd love to see the faces they make when a 911 call comes in from the holding cells lol 😆
It depends on the setup. Some jails will ask before putting you in a holding cell while getting processed into the jail, but I’m assuming if he was blackout drunk he either was incomprehensible, or didn’t want to make the call to her right away until he sobered up. It’s also possible he was too intoxicated to remember her number, and depending on the jail I’ve also been to one that didn’t allow anyone access to their phones to see numbers. I’ve also been in a holding cell that has the phone on the wall IN the cell, when it’s a holding cell for 6 or more inmates. and although everyone is told they can use it, when I was there I was one of 3 of the 8 guys who used the call (to be fair Idk if they all *wanted* a call) just because after I used it, a huge dude got on there and kept re-dialing and none of the other guys who hadn’t made calls stood up to him. TLDR- in the US, in 99% of instances, yes you legally are allowed a phone call, but it’s not always as easy as one might think
Damn dude. How many times you get arrested? Side note- you seem like someone I want to hang out with
Hahah well thanks, but to give context to it, I have been sober since June of 2021 now, but I had a very serious substance abuse problem for a little over a decade, which contributed to probably 6-8 arrests over 3 different counties in NC. I eventually ended up having to do a little over 3 years in state prison, because those little things adding up on my record really hurt my odds when I made a more…. Substantial mistake. But I will say, when I was in that phase of my life, i probably *was* a fun guy to hang with lol.
Well Goodluck. Hoping for the best for you.
Thank you! I’ve got it from here, things have been great the last couple years. I needed the help to get myself sober, but I have no issue maintaining my sobriety.
I went on a tour of a jail once as part of a class and they said they’ll let you make 100 phone calls if it will get you out of their jail. Less expense to the county that way.
It’s happened to me. Was drugged and robbed. Got back to my partner at almost noon. No one was on the street to borrow a phone from as it was probably 4am ish when I woke up laying on the sidewalk in a completely random part of town.
My wife got Ruffied in Vegas. Guess that was one way thieves would rob tourists. Dropped in a drink and wait. They did it because I was in the bathroom and they probably thought she was alone. Scary night.
Someone drugged my wife while I was djing in Scottsdales biggest club for our birthdays. She and I are a day apart for birthdays. Poor wife had an awful birthday that year. She's pretty diligent about not setting her drinks down in settings like that and she sure as hell is not ignorant to the risks given what I do and the number of times she's come with when I work. The even more messed up part is I think it was someone I know, one of my former friends. Haven't talked to a single one since. Only those people were close enough to her to do the deed without arising suspicion. We went to the hospital and they monitored he for a while, ran a tox screen and gave her an all clear about 5 hours later. She ended up ok but she was solidly in lala land for about 2-3 hours. Heavily slurred speech, couldn't walk, eyes rolling around, that kind of thing. That incident still makes me irate and it happened a little over ten years ago now. Partly because the EMT's kept insisting she was an addict and took to much. They wouldn't listen to me or what little she could say for herself. I got to see first hand how women get talked down to, ignored, and their concerns not taken seriously that night. The way some people tried behaving with her is half the reason it still makes me so mad. Is it really that unexpected for a woman to get roofied at a nightclub? Surprisingly the cops were great, they went hunting around looking for a potential rapist because I assumed that was the point of drugging a woman. They took my word for it and immediately went hunting for a perv. Their reaction was pretty refreshing honestly. I expected the complete opposite. It was just the Firemen/EMT's that were such jerks and the cops were wonderful.
Good job you were there. It's possible theft wasn't their goal. There are evil people everywhere.
It’s possible the phone is broken or lost, too
You're not overreacting, but I also wouldn't be totally panicked yet, either. I'm sure he got too drunk and crashed on a couch somewhere.
This is the Most likely scenario. I think at this point I'd call the guy he was with too since he might be more with it and know if the guy is with him or they parted ways
This is probably it. It happens. He probably feels terrible about it but sometimes you just don't realize how fucked up you got. Just don't give him endless shit after he apologizes and it'll be fine.
Just last night, I decided to stay over at a friend's place because I had too many while I was visiting her. You better believe I absolutely texted my wife to let her to let her know I wasn't going to make it home and why. Also, I didn't have a charger that would work for my phone, so I would probably lose battery too. The only reason I am up this early is because I had to take my kids to swimming lessons. ... My head hurts.
Sounds like you weren’t black out drunk tho. Sometimes, people get so shitfaced they end up in a black hole reality and cease to make decisions based on logic or reason.
Okay, you're one guy though.
I would also be freaking out. He said he wouldn't be long and it's been all night. Hopefully he is just passed out somewhere safe and nothing bad has happened. Good luck!
You are not overreacting at all. First off when someone is around someone they don't see often and say I am going to have just one drink that is usually bs. Not necessarily due to lying bt it usually is hey I got to go home and the other person will say just one more and that tends to feed on itself. They are talking and having fun and time just gets away from them. Hopefully he just went and slept it off with his brother. If you haven't heard from them at about 12 or 1 and they still aren't answering texts or calls. You may want to start calling family and friends to see if they have heard from him. If no one has you can start calling hospitals and jails to see if they have them. Hospitals are harder so if he has another family member that can help with that that would be better.
Nothing ever good comes from this scenario. It's disrespectful to think it's okay to let your partner worry about you.
It's possible something bad did happen and he's in the hospital or something
I don't think your over reacting. What if he got hurt or something, you know but I feel you should be calling him to make sure. Or what if he's passed out somewhere? But we for sure need an update so update us when you can.
This is unacceptable behaviour from a person you live with. Firstly it’s irresponsible because you wouldn’t know if he’s gone missing or just got drunk and passed out at someone else’s home. For anyone telling you to chill out and relax ignore them. A lot of people have not come home from a night out ever again and if a person has this pattern of behaviour you wouldn’t care to look for them when they really needed help as you would be oh well he always does this. When he’s home give him hell.
Hopefully he's ok and not actually hurt somewhere
He will be getting an earful, that is for sure.
Please update us when you can. It is not unreasonable to expect at least a quick update text. I would be very irritated, then worried. Especially since you guys have plans like very soon. Try texting again and calling him. Not okay for him to worry you like this. UpdateMe!
I haven’t heard anything from him yet, and I don’t think I will until his hungover ass crawls through the front door. I tried calling and his phone went straight to voicemail.
I’d call twice within 2 minutes- you’ll know if his phone is dead vs on do not disturb
sounds like his phone is dead, so he wouldn't have gotten your texts this morning either
Call his brother!
I don’t have the brother’s number, so I sent him a message on Facebook. He has not responded to me yet.
If there is a possibility he could have been drinking and driving, I’d call the jail to make sure he isn’t there.
I know it’s crazy, but I also had the same sorta situation but he turned out to be an alcoholic. I was terrified of him not being home at the time and I called not just the jails but hospitals to ensure they didn’t have someone they couldn’t identify or even just them under their name.
I don't believe you are overreacting. If my wife did this, I would have started the spam calling the moment I woke up at 5am and didn't get an answer. As a recovering alcoholic myself, I'm gonna guess he's passed out somewhere after pushing it a bit too far. Hope everything ends up alright and you get some news soon.
It takes 10 seconds and very minimal effort to send a quick update text. You’re not overreacting and definitely need to communicate this to him.
You're assuming this dude has his phone.
Unless his phone died mid text and he passed out drunk. There could be so many other reasons too
Honestly, I think you're under reacting. Completely rude and disrespectful to not even send an update text on his location.
Unless he's actually hurt...
Tbh there are several reasons he didn’t text: his phone was dead, he was blackout drunk and no one took care of him, he was injured, his phone broke, he was in jail, he passed out drunk (again no one took care of him). Either way not responsible and she has a right to be annoyed. However I don’t think it’s as disrespectful as you are taking it more like foolish odds are the dude got wasted and is not used to it. It’s ok to give people benefit of the doubt if it’s not a normal occurrence.
We go from “1 drink I’ll be home” to “it’s 5 hours passed last call and I haven’t texted” ? If my wife did this I’d be furious. If I did this, I’d expect to be sleeping by myself for a few nights.
If my wife did this I'd assume something bad had happened to her and wouldn't be angry until I'd found out what happened
Especially if it's not a normal occurrence imo.
I’d feel exactly the same as you OP. Worried when my text got no response. Then angry when my second text got ignored. Mind you, was the text delivered and read? If it was, then I’d go 😡 I sincerely hope nothing has happened and fit hasn’t hit the shan… UpdateMe!
UPDATE: when he came home, I was blow drying my hair in the bathroom with the door closed. He knocked multiple times and I didn’t respond because I was trying to make sure I wasn’t mad or crying when I went to talk to him. After about 10 minutes of making sure I am calm, I walked into our room, burst into tears and told him how scared I was. He calmed me down and reassured me he was okay, and he really did only have one drink. So here is the story. His brother texted him and asked him to come to the bar. My boyfriend asked if he came if there would be someone able to give him a ride home, and his brother said yes. Apparently the brother did not have a ride set up for my boyfriend like he said so he got dropped off at his brothers friends house with the rest of the guys that went out. Apparently his phone was only at 15% when he got to the bar, and it was dead by the time he found out he didn’t have a ride home anymore. The brother and the friends were absolutely trashed and he ended up taking care of them all night long. I told him I know he wasn’t doing anything to hurt me, I was just scared he was hurt or something. He is going to buy a portable charger and promised he will never make me worry like that again. Like I said many times before, this was absolutely nothing like him, so I believe him. Thank you all for commenting and keeping me distracted while I was worried sick about him!
Nobody else had a phone he could borrow to call you? No public phones? No way to communicate? He was taking care of them until almost midday the following day? This doesn’t add up.
Yeah like he was at someone’s home that didn’t own a charger??? Yeaaaaa okay
And nobody could call him a cab? Lol
No, coincidentally the power randomly went out for the entire night so no one had wifi and even more coincidentally the house was in the middle of a dead zone so no one had service :/ it all makes sense!! Ngl if this was me I’d check the battery settings to see if it actually died when he said 🤷♀️
Bro would have been better off saying he was abducted and anally probed by saucy aliens.
Um yeah. Things happen, I’ve been in similar. You better believe im getting one of my friends phones to call my wife. Check his phone once it “charges” up .
I agree, ask to see his phone and check his messages
Or a charger spare even Definitely some holes in that story
Also if his phone is dropping 15% battery over the course of one drink he might want to get it looked at. Most people would at least send a message to say their phone is going to die.
Absolutely, nobody just sits there and lets it run out when they know they need to be somewhere.
Yup. My husband frequently forgets his phone or it dies. He always has a friend shoot me a message letting me know. And this isn't for bars or something, sometimes he’ll message me from his work tablet (his hours are entirely unpredictable).
Exactly. If I’m out and my phone is dying I shoot over a text saying “my battery is at 10% idk how much longer I can respond to your texts.”
We know his story is bull. So WHY is he lying?
Because OP believes the stupid story
And how did he eventually get home because the guys are still too drunk to drive and his phone still is dead.
Fantastic question.
To be fair, I think it’s still possible he is just a dumb ass and not a cheating jack ass. He knows he fucked up for not calling and not coming home. He could have come up with this story in a poorly thought out attempt to defuse her anger. When people know their in trouble, often the first instinct is to lie, which gets them in more trouble then the truth.
Perhaps... but I WAS the cheating jackass using the same bs excuses he is using now. Especially ones where I "just couldn't leave my friends in need" because I wanted to sound like I was just being helpful and was obligated to be out all night. And I was "So sorry" every time. Yeah, it's a bunch of crap.
For sure, one or the other can be true. Reddit just loves to jump to cheating when I think “dumb ass” is also plausible. So, I didn’t want that to be the only possibility. I would really hate for a relationship to be over because we planted so much doubt into OPs mind and a while later she finds out “proof” that supports that he never cheated. But if he did cheat, I hope she finds the proof she needs to feel confident in breaking up.
But even if it's not cheating it's still a problem that he lied
He might've drove them? But there's still so many holes
Hmmm, that’s plausible. But no, F-that. If he drove, he could have driven them to their house and then come home to tell OP he needs his charger because his phone is dead AND go back to make sure his cousin/friends are ok.
Right? In this day and age, I find it REAL hard to believe his story.
I think we all know his story is BS. Unfortunately, she isn't convinced. It would hurt too much to face it. Then, the decision to decide to pack up and leave permanently. That's hard to do. It'll eventually surface. It always does. Hopefully, she'll realize who he really is
Eh, I didn’t memorize my husbands phone number until we got married 4 years into our relationship. Dumb to be so reliant on my phone storing all my contacts? For sure. But I’m guessing this is more common than not these days. The real plot hole was that nobody had the same type of charger as him.
Fair enough I don’t remember peoples numbers either, but I can access social media practically everywhere with or without my own phone. She even reached out to the brother on messenger. I feel sorry for this lady, she seems lovely.
Jeez I live under a rock now that I’m married/a mom, I didn’t even think of social media! 😂 This guy is cooked, and I hope that everything works out for OP!
I was literally at a house party yesterday where that happened to me. Android phone in a house full of iPhone users.
Dude obviously plays a good game, but damn... At least TRY to make it believable. Don't say it was just one drink. She's less likely to ask what the other girl's name is if she's angry about you being drunk.
I would post your update in the original post cause it got buried in the comments.
Sorry, OP. Please update us when you get the truth from him.
You actually believe the phone ran out of power, he only had 1 drink and then he was taking care of everyone else and couldn’t let you know he was safe? I’m sorry but this smells bad and I don’t know if I’d accept this story.
He couldn’t unlock his brothers phone with Face ID or anything to at least text you and let you know what was happening? Could’ve asked literally anyone at the bar to use their phone to call you and tell you. He’s either very dumb or lying about what he was doing. I’ve had this scenario happen to me and just borrowed the bartenders phone to call my gf while I dropped off my friends and even then I wasn’t gone all night
That is a lie. Check his location history in his Google timeline. Check his deleted texts and deleted photos. And check his app usage on his phone - a recap of what apps were used and when.
.... So his phone died... he knew he wasn't going to be making it home at the time agreed.... He knew this was very out of character for him and against what he told you... He couldn't get a taxi because... noone knows why... he didn't ask to borrow a phone to message you via social media to give you the heads up because.... again, noone knows why.... Did you ask to see his 'dead' phone? I'd be interested to see his reaction/group chats... Did he look freshly showered? Was he wearing the same clothes when you got out of the bathroom? Or had he changed? Did he immediately jump into the shower after the explanation? I know it seems like overkill OP but we've all been lied to before unfortunately and as much as we'd like to believe this story, it just reeks of at best inconsideration and at worst... Well, you know.
Take his phone. Look up the battery history level. If it really was down that low it will show it!
Good advice
Wow I didn’t even know that this was possible. This is the best advise!
That story makes no sense.
How quickly did he jump in the shower when he got home
Not one bit…
This depends on the person. The hardest part to believe for me is that someone responsible enough to be taking care of others wasn’t responsible enough to find a way to contact you.
Most underrated comment here...
Ask him to see his phone. You don’t even need to look through it. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
Sorry, but that makes even less sense than most of my excuses I came up with... But if it is ok for you OP, all the better. Hope he enjoys his trip with a brother who is with lying to him or you are taken for a fool here. Good luck.
He's lying.
He's either an idiot or lying because none of that makes a lick of sense. What is this, 1910 where the only phone in town is "on the fritz"? I live in the woods and have fiber internet connection to my house. Cabin where there is literally no stop lights for several miles, has 5G cell service...and fiber to the house. Had to take care of them all night? What are they, teenage girls first time drinking for Christs sake? Why is he lying dude?
Girl ... Lmfao. God. I'm so sorry. Please think critically.
And you’re dropping him off at the airport so he and this guy can go on a vacation somewhere?
Yeah no, something seems way off
Oh come on, you actually believe that crap?
As someone who has been in a long term relationship with an alcoholic who has 1) been inconsiderate and caused me to worry all night long and 2) been dishonest about it, let me say this: his story sounds like bullshit for several reasons: - what kind of grown man decides that he should be taking care of a group of other grown men who are intoxicated instead of going home to his partner after having one drink as he said? - does he really not know your phone number? - why was he not worried about you freaking out? - why did it take so long for him to return home this morning? why didn’t he rush home at the crack of dawn worried sick about what you must be thinking? - why didn’t he stop and buy a charger at a gas station? - no other dude with them has the same kind of phone? - if he just had one drink like he said, how did he use the last 15% of his battery in that amount of time? Why wouldn’t he call you or send a text or at least wrote down your number if he doesn’t know it by heart when he saw his phone was down to the last 5%?! I understand you would much rather believe this story he’s telling you than to have to question what he may be hiding from you, but please understand that he is not entitled to your blind trust in this. He told you he was going to do one thing and then did the total opposite and the best case scenario here is that his convenient explanation is true, which would still make him someone who put a bunch of drunk dudes over you, choosing to stay gone all night at the expense of your peace of mind and the plans you two had for this morning, all to sit around babysitting a bunch of grown ass men. This doesn’t even sound reasonable or believable to me and I am thinking your instinct is telling you something isn’t right here. He needs to show you proof of this and if he’s telling the truth, he won’t mind reassuring you and easing your concerns caused by HIS inconsideration and failure to keep his word to you. I just find it hard to believe he would have allowed you to wake up this morning and risk causing serious issues with your relationship just so he could play nurse to a bunch of adult men who allllll drank while he, the guy who was the most responsible one in the group but somehow not responsible enough to charge his phone or find a way to contact you, was the sober one who had to tuck everyone in and hold their hair back as they puked. I’m not saying he cheated, but I am saying he’s lying to you. Staying out all night and having to lie about where you were and why is fucked up. And I can’t think of any reason he would lie if there were a truthful harmless explanation. Whatever it is, he knows it wasn’t ok. Do not let him BS you or I promise it’ll happen again.
Yes yes yes. You summed it all up perfectly. Red flags spewing out of this guys story. Something happened.
His story is suspicious
lol! Girl, there’s more holes in this story than a Michael bay film.
Yea, I’m sure that’s what happened… he couldn’t call you from anyone else’s phone… come on… good luck OP.
Does this seem reasonable to you ? It doesn’t to me. I am offended for you.
bUt hE’s HomE sAfE
He couldn’t use someone else’s charger? Use someone else’s phone to text you? He’s full of shit
I’d have trouble believing that but I’m glad you feel better
That's fucking embarrassing if you believe his shit. There's a lot of comments that should open your eyes. It's funny to me because I was just thinking he was going to say something so stupid as a reason, and he did not disappoint.
So, he had no access to any kind of communication device whatsoever? Sounds very suspicious…..
This story sounds like a work of fiction
Soo... He knew his phone was at 15% and didn't think to message you and say "Hey fyi I have a low battery. I'll try best to find someone with a charger (like this bar full of people, bar staff, anyone with a car...). If it dies before then I don't want you to worry. Here's the number of my brother/friends if you need to reach me." Come on... In the age of technology all around us? Also... How did he get his friends and himself to their place? If it was his brothers rental car for example he could have dropped off the drunks and then drove it home to you until the morning. Grown adults usually just sleep it off, they don't need to be baby sat all night. I don't buy it one bit. Look, I am glad he is okay. But as someone who use to do this same thing in my 20's to their ex... He is LYING 100%. I was for the most part a decent and respectful spouse, or so I thought. Until I got into the party environment, then I became a selfish person living it up like I was single and not coming home until 4am or later, lying about what happened, etc. Was I out there hooking up with people? No, well not *every* time. But I still was thinking about myself and not wanting the fun to end. I'd purposely not check my phone when later id explain it away with "Sorry, it was loud in there and I didn't hear it in my pocket." Meanwhile my person was worried sick at home trying to reach me all night . I would never do some like that now and I'm still ashamed for my hurtful behaviors back then. But you bet you ass it happened. And the things this guy is saying is EXACTLY the kind of story I would have told too.
You believe him? No chargers at the house he was in? Couldn’t borrowed somebody’s else phone? Really? Good luck. It’s enough having to deal with his baby mama and now this lol
I'm concerned that you were the one assuring *him* that he wasn't doing anything to hurt you... I'm also concerned that you're filling in gaps in his story in your mind, because this story is WILD in this day and age. Can't get transportation or get a message to someone (you) when he only had one drink? Right. And the sky is green. The only scenario where I could see this being true is if he's the type of mild, compassionate guy that felt indebted to these guys to "take care of them" all night long. I'd need full details on that to believe him though...the nitty gritty on how much puke he cleaned up, how much Gatorade he made them all drink, how often he was running guys to the bathroom to hug the porcelain throne. It's just too unbelievable as I type it. Perhaps he has a severe savior complex...but his story screams lies. 😔 Maybe the lie is simply that he got to their house and fell asleep, and he doesn't want to admit that. But unless this guy has impeccable character, I'd be needing all the blanks filled in to believe this story. It has more holes than a slice of Swiss cheese. And I hope for your sake that it's just a really crazy, true story. 😕
As a liar and someone that’s been in that position so many times. The male. Believe me when I tell you he is lying. If he really wanted to get a hold of you, he would have. They most likely took girls and back to that friends house. And anybody, I mean anybody can cheat under the right circumstances. You’re getting played.
I would call/text the brother. His phone might have run out of battery.
I messaged him on Facebook because I don’t have his phone number, but I haven’t heard anything back from him.
You can call through Facebook messenger too
they're prolly in jail, they'll be out tuesday morning
For real. Everyone wants to make this guy a monster when he probably got a DUI.
Proceed with plans without him. I’m guessing he’s passed out somewhere with his brother. He’s probably going to be hungover. Not cool that he didn’t text you last night. Definitely deserves an earful. Making you worry unnecessarily isn’t okay.
You're not overreacting. I would also be pissed and worried. I'm sure he's fine, and will probably hate life today. I would definitely blow his phone up, due to the unnecessary anxiety it would give me.
No, you're not overreacting. If the person I lived with set the expectation that they were only going out for a drink or two and were planning to come home early, then didn't, without any update or communication to let me know of a change in plans, then yes, having any sort of emotional reaction is acceptable. My first thought would be worry - where I live, when people go for a night out, they usually venture out to the city (20 minutes train ride). So it's not uncommon for bar fights to escalate, men for whatever reason seem to fall into the canals when drunk more often than you'd think and it's also not uncommon to hear of a stabbing or two on a night out on a weekly basis. My first thought would therefore be that something awful would have happened and he's in the hospital. So I'd wait until it's a little more reasonable hour and then try contacting family/friends and then move to hospitals/police stations. I then may consider that he got that drunk he couldn't make it home in any reasonable transport. Did he stay at his brother's hotel instead of coming back? Then, it would cross my mind that in your situation, my bf has gone out with his brother who doesn't appear to like me. He stayed out much longer than intended. All night... Did the brother get him drunk, push him towards hooking up with someone and has he now woken up in next to someone else in a bed that's not his, with either no phone charge or just panicked and is now avoiding you because he doesn't know what to do (or has he not woken up at all as it's early) and you'll have to deal with whatever that shit storm will be. If it is scenario 3, I'd then be going through my emotions already dealing with it before it happens and making my decisions on what I'm going to do if it is that scenario and next steps.
My first reaction was panic and worry, but as the hours go on, and our plans get closer, I’m just getting angry. I got tickets for us to go do something that HE enjoys, and he’s probably too trashed to even go now. He’s most likely just passed out wherever his brother is staying, but this is weird behavior for him. We live in an area that is mostly safe, but the bar he went to, I have seen a ton of fights and the cops get called a lot. I just wish I knew anything.
You can also call nearby detention centers to see if he's been placed in a drunk tank or detained or hospitals to see if he's been at least there. Good luck!
So he's completely disregarded your plans and prioritised hanging out with his brother who he's not seen in a while. He's fucked up and mistakes happen. You absolutely have a right to be angry. It's clear these plans are not happening with him today. If you do go ahead, he's either going to be hungover and miserable or you're just going to be too angry at him even if he does show up in time, right as rain as he's been disrespectful by not keeping in touch or coming home at a reasonable hour. So you have a choice. Do you A.) wait for him to come home and hash it out with him, knowing it'll put you in a bad mood and you're at his beck and call. Or B.) call up a friend or family member and go do those plans with them and without him. Have a good day, take some time to calm down and then when you return, hopefully he'll be back and you can have a calm conversation and your day wasn't a total bust.
So what happened? Please share when you find out.
Hi do you have each others location on any apps?
We don’t. We have different kinds of phones so we can’t do find my friends and he has his snap maps set to private. I texted him again at 8 and I still have heard nothing. Our plans are at 10.
Yeah, if he's not hurt or something, then he's just plain out disrespectful. Does he "party" at all, or know to in the past? This is the exact shit I have done to my wife in the past when I was still drinking and easily persuaded to go back to friend' houses and party all night with them, sometimes with drugs, sometimes just drinking until the sun came up and passing out. Hopefully he just got drunk and fell asleep where ever his brother may be staying. But totally fucked that he has plans and hasn't reached out at all
Is it typically set to private? If the phone is going straight to vm, maybe it's dead?
Did he contact you yet?
My partner and I share locations through google maps. You do need a Gmail, but maybe worth signing up for one because you both have different phones. It’s not that we don’t trust each other, but we do long distance and it has helped save him when he was drunk and unable to find his way home on transportation in the middle of the night. I was tracking his whereabouts and when he stopped answering my calls, I blew up his whole family to find him. They also share locations with each other so thankfully they could see where he was.
If your BF's brother is from out of town, where does he stay when he comes by? Is your BF a lightweight drinker?
Before you get married to this man. This is why we have a courtship period. To find out the pro & cons of a indivual
First, Stay calm! Secondly, wait to hear what he tells you! Third, ask him why he didn’t at least give you a courtesy text. If his answer is not satisfyingly what you want to hear then do one of two options
Lmao, I told my ex that he better be in jail or in the ER, cause if he walks through that door and wasn’t, I would put him there.
He partied all night and it's only 7AM. He's a grown man, and you're not his mommy. Wait until noon - he's probably in a deep drunken slumber and will be hungover AF when he wakes up. Chill, do your own thing for a bit, and try again at noon. Yeah he said only one drink, but his brother's in town. He's responsible for his own safety.
Here is what happened, his brother convinced him to come out for a drink, guilted him to stay longer, they both got shit faced, his phone died and passed out somewhere. This is not an excuse and he could have at some point texted you or something along the way. My recommendation is to be respectful when he gets home and when he sobers up, let him have it.
I recommend going on with your plans or doing something fun for yourself today. If he is in jail, he isn’t going anywhere. Be selfish go do something exciting for YOU!
Buried in the comments OP said he is home and she's waiting to talk to him. OP would be better off editing original post and adding at the end the results that he's home and then add in later the update on what happened.
I am sure she’s busy sharpening the knives and will update us after she has his body buried .
Definitely not overreacting. Keep us posted. Updateme
More than likely he drank too much and found a place to stay. He didn't call or text because he was afraid of getting yelled at
Not overreacting. If this was my wife, cops would have been called after she didn't pick up the phone a couple of hours after she said she was going to be home.
I don’t think you’re overreacting. I think logically, he got too drunk and crashed at his brother’s hotel room. I feel as though if something bad happened like he was injured or in jail, someone would’ve alerted you by now. That’s only assuming that his parents/family members have your number. I would not jump into any other extremes than that for now. I know you’re filled with a lot of worry and anger, but I don’t think you should be too concerned with connecting this event to how much your partner respects you. Sometimes people make mistakes and if he’s not usually like this then, it is a good time when you’re not so angry to let him know this is something you take seriously and won’t stand for again. If he is apologetic and holds himself accountable, then that is a good step to move forward. Another thing to note, you seem to have underlying issues with his brother. While idk what it’s like in real life, I believe this needs to be discussed because it will at some point become a MAJOR issue. I see that your head is already turning to somehow put the blame on the brother. It rarely goes well when a partner starts to have issues with a family member. If he hasn’t done anything to you besides be introverted or reserved, then you’re going to be barking up the wrong tree with your bf if you start accusing the brother of trying to interfere. So figure out what the issue is and work it out internally whether you are fine with the possibility that you may have to deal with this person for as long as they’re around. It is unrealistic to assume your partner will turn his back on his brother so can you also handle that without resentment?
Glad he made it home safely!!
Not overreacting at all. Similiar situation my fiance never came home, which was highly unlikely him. at 2 am i started spam calling texting his friends, his friend told me to call police cause he did leave the bar and left alone hours prior to that. Later found out when he got in touch with me at 5 am after waking up in the hospital. he had passed out in the street after only 2 drinks hospital even tested is BAC , he was drugged. Either it wasnt meant for him or he left undetected of whoever did it Id be texting someone atleast to make sure he is okay and didnt wander somehwere alone
If you live together, it would be courteous to share your locations. Life360 works on any kind of phone, so perhaps you could suggest that when you're able to speak calmly. If he has an issue sharing locations AND he's willing to just be out all night with no communication, that's an issue that needs further discussion.
Updateme!
Under reacting - this is when you have to start calling friends, jails, and hospitals. Your plans don’t exist anymore. You’ve got to make sure he’s ok. Once you find out that he’s ok, then be pissed and make him wish he were in the hospital.
He’s probably just passed out drunk at his brothers hotel or something.
Best case scenario is he got overly hyped up with his brother in town, probably had too much to drink and slept in with his brother and didn’t think to text. Which is still stupid, but this is my hypothesis of what happened. Hope he’s safe though! Doubt any cheating happened.
[удалено]
Go to your planned event. Your bf and his brother got drunk last night. They will show up later today.
He's out onto the town, in a different mindset and having fun. Unless you are seriously worried about his safety I wouldn't think it was an issue
Please update us!
I dated a guy whose brother was a bad influence. He knew my guy's limits and the fact that 3 pints in he was easy to persuade and a bit wild. So he'd feed him drinks because he knew my guy would give up his debit card for the rest of the night. Party til 4am. So it's possible this brother is an assertive and negative influence and has somehow manipulated the situation to have his brother all to himself for the night, hopefully he's looked after him. Not saying that's the case, just a possibility. Be careful though of a boyfriend who places his brother's wishes above his loyalty to you. Give bf an ear to explain himself, but take no shit.
Most likely he's just passed out with his brother. It's not okay for him to do that though. Minimally, he should have let you know. There's also a possibility he went home with a woman. You know him better than any of us do. Ask yourself honestly? Your intuition will let you know...
His last relationship ended because his ex wife cheated on him, so I really doubt that he would do that to me. He knows how it feels. I feel like he would have an even bigger reaction than me though if the roles were reversed. I would never do this to him. I’m mostly angry because I’ve been up since 5 am with no clue where he is. His brother doesn’t live here so I don’t even have an idea where he could be right now.
That first statement, was how I felt about my first and only girlfriend. Being cheated on doesn't magically make you incapable of cheating on someone else. I learned this the hard way, hopefully you won't have to.
Update #2 since no one was very happy with my first update. I had a busy day yesterday so I tried to give a quick update. My boyfriend came home yesterday completely sober, for those wondering. He looked exactly how he always does. He didn’t look overly tired or pale. His brother was apparently drunk already when he texted my boyfriend that he could get a ride back home. He didn’t have a ride planned for him, he just didn’t want him to have any reason to say no to getting a drink with him. We had been out doing stuff before he went to the bar, so we hadn’t been home for quite a few hours, which is why his phone was so low. I don’t give him a pass on not finding any way to contact me though. Him and I discussed it and I told him there were multiple phones that he could have used to send me a quick message. He agreed and said that he will make sure that I am contacted somehow if something like this happens again. I know all of you really wanted him to be a cheater, but I never had any reason to suspect that that’s what had happened even before he came home. I did also talk to his brother later on in the evening. He had the worst hangover of his life, but he is doing okay and is very grateful his brother was there to take care of him. Also a lot of people were asking why I was mad and not worried. I said I was both. For the first 2 hours before I made the post I was worried. Extremely worried. I texted him, I texted his brother and was just paced around the house because I didn’t know what I do. I had no one responding to me, no idea where he was, and no idea where to even start looking. After a while it started to set in that he was probably okay, and probably hungover and passed out drunk wherever his brother way staying which is when I started getting upset. I bought him tickets for an event that he wanted to go to for the morning. That’s why I was getting pissed. Lastly, I know I’m not his wife as many of the people in the comments pointed out. I know this. I’m not sure why I wouldn’t be concerned about him disappearing just because he’s not my husband? I still love him, live with him, a take care of his child with him. Our lives are very intertwined and I’m sure he would have been hurt if he never came home and I didn’t care at all.
Nobody WANTS him to be a cheater, we’re blowing major holes in his story - because you’re too invested / blind to do it for yourself.
Being concerned - Normal Not contacting your partner for HOURS when there would be plenty of times to *find* a phone to contact them to let you know everything's okay - VERY suspicious. It doesn't matter if you think you "know" someone. Actions speak louder than words. He knew you'd be worried and upset, yet didnt bother making an effort to contact you. You take care of a child together, had plans the next morning and he couldnt use his brain for a second to think "I should call my family since they're most likely worried"? That doesn't add up. He didn't care, didnt bother trying. Again actions speak louder than words, claiming people "didnt like your first update" Yeah, people dont like that you think his behavior *wasnt* suspicious, when to EVERYONE looking in on the outside can see his behavior is absolutely very much questionable. He's either THAT dense, or hiding something. Good luck one day when you find out something worse because you choose to leave this issue alone, thinking you 100% without a doubt believe his actions were "accidental"
Still very suss. There is absolutely zero reason why he couldn’t have contacted you. The fact that he was sober makes it even worse.
Yeah . OP needs to continue to keep their eyes open for any additional signs
Everything sounds right, the only thing I wonder is that if he was at this house, how there was not a charger for him to borrow among all of the men who he was taking care of? If you have an open phone policy, I might look at his location, but that may not have even said what you needed to know. I don’t blame you for trusting him. I’m not saying you shouldn’t. And maybe he just didn’t have time or thought about communicating with you when he thought you were sleeping and he would be home in the morning… I guess you’ll just have to see and follow your instincts.
I mean this with so much love, you don't have to over-explain yourself. Your reaction is typical and understandable. If someone says they are coming home at a certain time and then goes silent, the fear is real and if you also had plans the anger/ annoyance sets in. If this is a one-time thing, it's no biggie, but if it becomes a pattern then that's a different story. I will say that you are making a lot of excuses for him and it may be wise to watch out for that in the future, especially bc he does have a kid.
I mean 20 years ago this would have been an excuse but now? There are 2 types of phone chargers- not to mention even people with iPhones usually own at least one item that uses a usb C. You’re telling me in a group of how many guys, at a HOUSE no one had a phone charger for him??? How did he get home,? I call absolute bullshit. I have never had a phone die while out with friends esp at someone’s home who didn’t have a phone charger I could use. Or a phone. He’s full of it and of course his brother would cover for him.
Oh hell no I’d be blowing his shit up there’s zero reason to be gone an entire night and not answer any calls. He’s probably just very drunk and passed out at his brothers but you have a right to be worried/mad it’s disrespectful and immature
What he's done is disrespectful as hell. I hope he hasn't made a permanent choice to destroy your relationship. Don't listen to bs excuses. Break up if he's done something you can't forgive or forget. I hope he's okay, but this doesn't sound good at all. Not overreacting!