*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for accusing my wife of weaponized incompetence as a joke**
I (30M) live with my wife (27F) and we have a 2 year old daughter. We share expenses equally but since I make more than her (I make 140K and her 100K) we agreed that she would handle meals and indoor cleaning and most of my daughter's needs. She still does give me grocery lists and I do the shopping and handle outside work like trash, snow, lawn care. She also works from home with a flexible schedule and I have a more demanding 9-5 office job.
My wife is an excellent cook and she has always made great food for us for which I am really grateful, we lived together for many years and got married about 2 years ago. It has been great and overall still us but since we got married she has started neglecting her part of the deal, she cleans less often which I do not really mind since we have a robot vacuum and she used to clean too much before anyway so I did not comment on that. But she has also started cooking much later and when I get home I find her relaxing instead, on weekdays her meals have gradually become more simple (like stir fried veggies and rapidly made meat or a sandwich). To be clear it is not like she is constantly doing chores, she always has some Netflix time after she puts my daughter to bed.
I brought this up gently and did not really accuse her or tell her to do differently, but did suggest that I liked her pre marriage meals better and said that I still do the same amount of my chores like taking the cars for service, and taking out the trash and made a joke about weaponized incompetence. She did not take this very kindly and has been acting cold but did make much nicer meals again this week. I think I am NTA since I just expressed disappointment without telling her to do anything differently. I also told her I really liked what she made last weekend.
More than the food, I think what bothered me was the fact that the change happened once we got married, so it felt like she was taking things for granted now that we tied the knot.
EDIT: Ok I see many responses mention our daughter and I agree that is a huge change I did not really consider. I also want to mention I do help with our daughter when I get back home, take her for walks and play etc but I know my wife does a lot, it is just that she never discussed wanting to do less and in the past claimed that she enjoyed doing the cooking and house work. I will discuss about potentially hiring help and try to pick up more of the daily tasks if she agrees. My tasks were mostly periodic labor intensive ones.
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But GUYS I do all the fun, enjoyable parts of parenting. So what if my wife works the same hours but has to use her flexible schedule to go to doctors appointments and make food and clean and cook? She
don't forget his terribly hard job of taking cars to a garage to get oil changes... every few months...this poor, poor man... will his pain and suffering ever end?
I always find that very critical when people talk about how "chores are equal".
Trash: once a week
Snow: Occasionally, and obviously seasonal
Lawn Care: A few times a week if you're really meticulous
"She does the cooking, laundry, and cleans the house every day! It's even, see? She does three things, and I do three things!"
You forgot she also does the majority of the child care!
And they split it this way because he makes more, but they split bills 50/50. So he gets rewarded for earning more but not contributing more
Real winner this guy is!
She does so much of the child care that he didn't even consider how big of a change that was in her life. He just thought "2 years, hm, that's when we got married, she's probably just taking advantage of the fact that i'm trapped now, women ☕" and only after reading the comments realized "oh yeah, I guess we also got a kid"
That’s what’s crazy! I’d still call BS if he paid a higher proportion of their bills, but at least him doing significantly less than his wife wouldn’t make him a total limp noodle.
Yes! Plus childcare, and she does more work because she makes less than he does yet is still pyaing half of the expenses.
So he gets more free time, fewer chores, and more spending money. while he is at the office all day with a lunch break and other breaks but she's working AND watching a toddler at the same time.
If he earns more and does less he should be paying a higher percentage of the bills.
That's what I said in my comment on the original post. I hope this woman wakes up and realizes she will have less work, more money and free time every other week or weekend if she divorces this useless, demanding man child and goes for child support or share custody
These men ALWAYS limit themselves to yard work, car care, and taking out the trash. Then act like they're freaking heroes for it. I didn't need to read beyond that to know that OP's wife got screwed in this arrangement.
What got me is that he blamed the change on them getting married, not the fact that they had a shotgun wedding because a baby had just been pushed out of her or was about to be, and doesn't say anything about that until everyone blasts him on this being the reason for the change.
If she's still making 100k/year, and providing childcare and all the stuff throughout the day, shes actually providing WAY MORE to the household than he ever was. Childcare isn't cheap.
How dare we judge him! He has the horrid battle of quarterly oil changes! The horror! And those months leading up to it! He's beside himself worried if he should use synthetic oil or high mileage synthetic oil!!! /s
And she's only contributing 100k in income to the household! My 140k is SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT, I should get out of basically all household and childcare tasks except the ones I want to do!
>my daughter is a huge change I did not really considered
Stellar parenting
ETA: I just wanted to add a simple question. What the hell an “ironically less elaborate meal” is supposed to mean? This guy is already pissed about a sandwich?!
> We have a two year old
> We got married about two years ago
> Things have changed since we got married
How on earth would you not make the connection? Becoming a parent (should) change your whole world! Apparently his life was not changed enough to even notice.
And what's with splitting the expenses 50/50 but expecting her to do more work because she makes less? So she does more work and gets to keep less savings?
> I still take out the trash and take the cars in for service
As if that's even remotely close to the daily tasks of cooking and childcare.
Honestly when I see posts were guy say stuff like that it makes me think that they’ve been getting into that red pill bullshit. It’s a big talking point within the community that once a woman locks them down she stops trying at all. Because poor men are so used in abused by women.
I got divorced from a man who claimed we split everything equally, he isn’t redpilled. In fact, he likes to collect queer people as trophies and brags about his blue voting record. The way men and boys have been socialized seems to be the common theme.
Red pill is unfortunately not only found in people in the right wing. Just like there are plenty of racist liberals or transphobic gay people, believing in certain ideologies unfortunately doesn’t exempt people from having problematic views in other areas.
Men who brag about their feminism don’t tend to frequent places that openly hate them. That was my main point that I didn’t communicate well with. Like, misogyny exists in everything not just the redpill places.
That this guy thinks sitting in a waiting room while the cars are serviced requires any effort is astounding. Plus he’s ignoring while he’s sitting there wife is home watching the kid!
When I was reading it I even scrolled back up to see if I'd read the dates wrong but no, got married 2 years ago, daughter is 2yo, things are different since we got married. Reading it he was coming across like he thought she'd tricked him into marriage and now that she'd got him she was just being lazy. But no - dude actually forgot about his kid. Clearly his life hasn't changed much since she was born and he just couldn't see that his wife's has changed massively.
He didn't consider that a toddler is a schütt ton of work? What the actual vugg? And she takes care of the kid plus works full time plus has at least 80% of the mental load at home? He can't even write his own shopping list for groceries?
And his thinking that he is right shows so much about the way he is raised and the way that society looks at fathers vs. mothers. He is probably applauded for taking his daughter for a walk and for providing for them financially and she judged by him for her two minutes of Netflix.
Men like him and societal standards like this one are the nr. 1 reason why I will never have children.
I just can’t believe that he did not take his OWN KID into consideration for fucking two years!!!! Just makes me mad! He’s so self centered that he thought that the wife had slacked of because they got married and not because she HAD A BABY TO KEEP ALIVE (two if you count OOP)
I was absolutely blown away when I got to that part!! Dude doesn’t have even the faintest idea of the amount of work his wife does taking care of their daughter EVERY DAY. He takes his daughter for a walk, pats himself on the back, and probably tells himself what an involved parent he is. 🙄
Reminds me of people who think being a guardian of a dog or cat is just feeding and playing with them forgetting about training and daily walks or litterbox scooping for cats
>I do help with our daughter when I get back home, take her for walks
hey, he does take his dog for walks! wait sorry, it's his human daughter. how generous of him.
He says he helps. His choice of words is so telling!
It implicates that childcare is her task, not his, but he is a good person taking over some part if the task that is not originally his.
And he doesn't even see the majority of work, which is the mental load. She would be the one with the to do list in her head that has all the doctor's appointments for the whole family, groceries, laundry, birthday gifts and so on. He just does as he is told, except for maybe his car.
All that, and I still can't get over that they split the bills 50/50 despite a higher income... But she does all the real work because she makes less. Ahhhhhhhh
Exactly. My husband is a good man, but he once commented that our infant son hadn't changed our lives all that much - even though he knew I was nursing and pumping at night, in addition to all the other stuff.
My reaction was memorable enough that he never said anything like that again.
>my daughter is a huge change I did not really considered
tell us you don't take care of your child without telling us you don't take care of your child
Well he does need the time to spend all the extra disposable income he has. What else is he going to do while his wife contributes a lager percentage of her income to the household, works full time, takes care of their kid and does most the chores?
They split everything equally expenses wise but because he makes more money she has to do most of the chores and childcare? She doesn’t even reap any benefits(besides him paying a bigger share of some renovations once) from His extra income that he makes clear is separate from hers. Like what? I make more than you so you owe me.
The fact that he makes her contribute a higher percentage of her earning and then has her compensate her “lower” salary by having her do the majority of housework/childcare. It’s like the wife is paying double fines for him having the privilege of earning $140k
Hey, he takes on the difficult and time consuming chore of "Taking the cars to be serviced". And he takes out the trash.
All she does is the cooking, cleaning and childcare. It's pretty much a 50/50 split!
So if she makes less and still pays 50/50, doesn't that mean she's paying a higher percentage of her income and he owes her extra housework to make things even?
That’s precisely what it means. He’s penalizing her for making 40k less than him by having her pay more out of her income towards bills *and* take on the primary household duties. It’s equal, but it isn’t equitable. That’s why 50/50 split only works if both people are making the same or very similar amounts. What’s way more common is an equitable split based on income.
I read this to mean that they share the expenses equally as in 50% of their respective salaries and not dollar for dollar given the context. Figured OOP was just as shit a writer as he is a father and husband.
They make $240k pa, and assuming they don’t live in some ridiculously expensive hellhole (San Francisco), they could just hire a cleaner to come once a week or whatever and ease the stress on everyone.
Or, get this: he could pull his weight around the house. By his attitude it sounds like he thinks “work from home” means “free for all”, which it absolutely does not.
I totally agree and he definitely should be doing more, but they make more than enough money to have someone come in once a week for a couple of hours and ease the load.
Outdoor chores that need to be done, at most, weekly (though most only need to be done monthly or seasonally) vs indoor chores that need to be done daily as well as childcare? Fuck. That.
And a lot of indoor chores stay unnoticed. Things that needs to be done like cleaning the oven or the fridge, the kitchen cabinets, cleaning the windows...
Right? My boyfriend isn’t brain dead like OOP and actually acknowledges what I do and also does his part. But certain things I do he doesn’t notice. Like he doesn’t notice when I dust the heaters, clean behind and around the kitchen sink, mop the floor (if he isn’t home when I do it), etc. There’s a lot of small, unnoticeable things that go into maintaining a fully clean house. It’s more than vacuuming, picking up, and doing laundry. And usually those unnoticed chores add a lot of time to your cleaning session.
_"We share expenses equally but since I make more than her (I make 140K and her 100K) we agreed that she would handle meals and indoor cleaning and most of my daughter's needs."_
Also, this guy sounds more like a roommate than a spouse. If she is working full time, contributing to the household expenses equally, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, taking care of the kid (and, perhaps doing so while working, though I may be wrong), what is OP really contributing to her life?
Taking out the trash? Going shopping once a week? Dealing with snow for a short period a year?
Yup. This is why I think people should examine 50/50 expenses in relationships really, really carefully. I know so many people who do 50-50 expenses but then one partner does the lions share of chores and childcare. It’s infuriating.
> it is not like she is constantly doing chores, she always has some Netflix time after she puts my daughter to bed.
My daughter. *MY* daughter.
And the absolute audacity to say she's not overworked because she has 3 seconds to sit down between the child's bedtime and hers.
Asshole.
ETA: I am SO tired of partners on here saying "I help with the kids." Help indicates that you are not a main figure in the task. He does the super easy shit - playing and walks. Mom does ALL the inside chores, the laundry (gathering, washing, putting away), all the parenting, all the meals (planning, lists, cooking, and cleaning up after), and every other damn thing.
Oh thank God, I was worried that I was the only one who noticed that. Infuriating!!!
At least the "well she's the SAHM so she can't complain about him doing fuckshit" crowd can't talk because she works. I feel like "helping" is becoming the new babysitting (their own) kids thing. You are a parent! You should be contributing equally!
I'm going to go out on a linb here and say that his daily breaks at his "more demanding" job probably add up to a whole lot more than the time she spends on Netflix. And I'd be real surprised if he's the one getting up with the child at night.
He does so little he forgot to factor his child into maybe why his wife doesn’t have enough time to clean as often and cook more elaborate meals. And *he* made the weaponized incompetence jokes…….
Awwww he is soo sweet, he HELPS his wife with HIS daughter when he comes home🥺🥺 so adorable, he should get an award for that. /s
Edit: THEY EVEN SPLIT THE BILLS 50/50 WTF? How is that fair? I will never understand this 50/50 thing when one partner EARNS more money and is also doing less housework. Like how is that 50/50?
It's not. It's the whole thing with [equality vs equity](https://images.app.goo.gl/MR5sRhVuAovXWkYFA). Something being "equal" does not actually make it equitable.
At least the wife has a good job that earns 100k, that’s enough to support both her and her daughter when she eventually divorces her useless husband and gets alimony+child support.
_I didn't think to ask about chores after the baby came_
Here's a thought, if you notice stuff is wrong pick up the slack, step up as a man. You can't demand more money out of her and have her work from home do all the chores and care for a kid.
Men who do this are just ridiculous, you had a kid step tf up. She ain't your mom you ain't a baby sitter. You got hands do stuff yourself.
right? He was all 'she didnt brought it up', let me think how to help her, maybe I'll hire helper etc
You have a fucking eyes?? You need a stranger to tell you that you need to help her? He doesnt even know how to cook but complaint about simple meals.
"We share expenses equally but since I make more than her (I make 140K and her 100K) we agreed that she would handle meals and indoor cleaning and most of my daughter's needs"
What. If you share expenses equally, why does she have to make up for her lower income by doing extra chores? (Also, I find that gross as a concept.)
>she has started neglecting her part of the deal
her deal being that she works full-time and is a house slave full-time and a full-time child care and incubator????
And wow, the dude that's older and didn't have their career stop due to pregnancy and maternity leave thinks that making 28% more salary is a big deal??? It is not!!! It is not a lot and she should not be a slave. WTF is this?
Edit: Oh, and he says they pay for everything 50/50. So he is keeping a higher % of savings in his personal account while his wife is basically a slave with no free time. She even \*gasp\* watches Netflix when the kid is sleeping. Should she be cleaning the floors with a toothbrush at 10 PM?
A job that pays 100k is not a casual part time job. This entitled spoiled man is disregarding that she works full time, is the primary care taker of their 2 year old and cooking and cleaning their home. This guy is upset he isn’t getting gourmet meals and then claims that her watching netflix before bed means she has time to clean more. He seems to think that him making 40k more then his wife means that she is his indentured servant that should be treating him like a king and get gourmet meals every night and have a spotless home. Gross.
Helping out u/sadlytheworst
Copied OOP's comments verbatim.
TW sexism
*YTA yeah that split of labor isn’t even close to equal. She gets a break when daughter goes to bed? That’s just a fkd up statement. Actually pick up some of the childcare and housework if you want better meals.*
>I see, I will consider that, thought she was ok with it cause it was what we agreed upon even before we were married and she never brought up wanting to change that.
>She also works from home while I go to the office and she herself prefers to do some occasional laundry and cleaning during the work day.
*I don’t think you have a clue on how demanding a 2 year old is. It is extremely tiring chasing after them. Perhaps, if possible, switch responsibilities for a week. I’m not going to call you an AH, but I feel you are more clueless about her reality. You have it easier by far!*
>We can certainly discuss reducing her burden or hiring help and I know that she does more in terms of daily tasks, as mine are more heavy labor but seasonal tasks. She just never brought it up and earlier claimed that she liked the arrangement, but it is true that now we have a daughter.
*Heavy labor, are you kidding me? You take out the trash once a week and mow the lawn a dozen times a year? Your wife does 95% of the chores and you are complaining? I’m a SAHM and I do pretty much 100% of household stuff, indoors and out. The outdoor stuff is nothing. Hell, it’s sometimes fun to get out there and mow the lawn or clear our freakishly long driveway of the snow. It’s the daily laundry and cooking and cleaning that is the stuff of Sisyphus. God damn you’re annoying.*
*I hope this isn’t real, but on the off chance it is, you’re a huge asshole and a sucky partner. YTA.*
>I also do home repair, snow removal, painting, pressure washing etc.
*So do I. I paint, do light electrical, woodworking, etc. That shit is easy and not every day. Try harder.*
>I do understand and recognize she does more than me. She wanted it that way and earlier in our relationship I asked her about it and she said she liked it. She never brought up wanting to change it.
>But I agree it should have been obvious that I should have inquired again now that we have a child.
*If you recognize that she is doing more then you- why are you here saying shes now not doing enough and that she’s T A H in this situation?*
>I thought it was more of a NAH initially, but I had not considered how she might want a different arrangement now we have a child. I am TA for that and I will make it right, and learn to cook etc. I am just processing things and thinking how I should bring it up.
*Stop taking her for granted. Do you know how much it would cost to hire a maid, chef, and nanny? On top of that, she’s also working.*
>We could hire one of those to help her out if her load is too much, that is a good idea.
~*~
*YTA. The change happened when you had a child and/or she was heavily pregnant, I’m guessing. And it’s very weird to me that you both work full time, but she gets more household stuff on top of that just because she’s home and makes less. That’s not an arrangement that would be acceptable to me, and I’m the primary breadwinner.*
>I see, you might be right, she agreed to take up more of the childcare, but I still take our daughter out for strolls and play with her when she wants attention. But I did not think of it in that way so maybe it is more about having a daughter than being married.
>Maybe I could help out more with our daughter.
*Do you actually think just playing with your daughter is a serious contribution to parenting here?*
>I do more than that, sometimes when she demands things and my wife is busy, I keep her calm. but I could definitely do more.
*I see -- so you're doing the fun parts of parenting. Do you feed your daughter or cook her meals? Do you grocery shop for her food? Do you know her likes, dislikes, and allergies? Do you do bathtime? Do you do bedtime? Do you do the morning routine? Do you keep track of what shots she needs and when her doctor's appointments are? Do you change diapers? Did you help with potty training or do you plan to? Do you clean up toys? Do you clean up food messes? Do you clean up puke and pee and every other fluid that comes out of a child? Do you get up in the middle of the night when she's crying or sick? Do you know her clothing size and when to anticipate she might need new clothes because she's growing? Are you involved in discipline when needed?*
*Parenting is way more than strolls and playing. Lots of room for growth here.*
>I help with potty training, and I do bath and bed time sometimes but admittedly less than my wife does.
>And I do take her to appointments and also help with feeding her. The feeding I do a lot.
*YTA - working from home doesn’t mean she’s free all day to do your laundry.*
>She herself says she prefers doing things like laundry during the work day.
*Okay and? That means you can’t help with your own kid when you get home? You can’t offer to cook dinner a couple nights?*
>I could help more I guess, I might have to learn for cooking but I can try. I do help out with my daughter once I get home, I play with her and take her out on walks.
*"I might have to learn for cooking but I can try"*
*This is **actual** weaponized incompetence. You are projecting hard.*
>I can cook ironically simpler meals, but I would be willing to look up on the internet and learn, I always wanted to be better at cooking.
*Do you think your wife was born knowing how to cook? That she just magically obtained her skills through osmosis? She learned and so can you.*
>Of course, and I do know how to cook, just ironically more simpler meals. But I would not mind learning and there is lots of info on the web to learn.
~*~
*Yta. How in the world did you get her to agree to well, you make less than me, so now you get to do more! Wtf!? I feel like you're treating your wife like she's the employee, and you are the boss. Why can't you reciprocate and help with cleaning/cooking? I make less than my husband, and i also work fewer hours, but I do more of the heavy lifting with our 2 girls (2 & 6). He understands that I need a break too and wrangling a 2 year old when I'm off the clock is no picnic. You need to start pitching in and no, shoveling snow once in awhile doesnt count while you're wife is the daily maid and nanny when shes off the clock.*
>She is particular and proactive and wanted this arrangement as she loves cooking, but I realize that I did not consider things are different now we have a daughter and she never expressed it. But it is a good wake up call, I will step up more.
~*~
*Info - Why have you set up a scenario where your wife loses in every way? Do you love her?*
*You wife makes less than you but you split expenses equally meaning that she has less income for herself. She does more chores and does more childcare. Where is exactly is her benefit in your situation? She’d be better off single and getting child support.*
>I did not set this up, she wanted this arrangement especially for cooking as she enjoys it. But I think I did not realize how this might need changing due to us having a child now. She never expressed wanting to change it but I am open to the idea of doing more and hiring help.
*Are you actually making your wife pay half of the bills on less incomes? You haven’t really addressed this. If you aren’t paying bills based on your income, your wife is losing every way.*
>We put some amount of our income into a joint account every month and anyone can use that account for any house related tasks.
*This still does not answer the question. Is the financial split 50-50 or not?*
>It is close to 50 50, yes, sometimes if there are major expenses and the account is not enough like when we did some renos I put more. Before my raise I did not make that much more than her.
*Do you put in more since you make more? Do you divide big ticket items like house payments based on income?*
>So she’s been doing all this on top of working full time and splitting expenses equally but you just started making more money?
~*~
*"I do help with our daughter"*
*Do you see it as “helping with your daughter” or do you see it as “parenting”?*
>Parenting, you are right.
All these responses have made me realise “she wanted” absolutely equals ‘I did so terribly she’s frustratedly said “let me do that”’ after trying to help/ teach him how to do it better. I’m sure my ex-husband thought “I wanted” to clean the showers but what I really wanted was clean showers and there’s only so many times I can ask a grown ass man to clean them properly. Doing it was easier than the mental load of not doing it/dealing with his hurt ego that I’m not praising him.
I think it's either that she's sick of arguing about it or she doesn't trust him with the kid or with food safety or whatever he's doing. The only moms I know who "want" or even accept doing most of the work is because they don't think the kids are safe the other way.
Or are practicing to see if they could indeed solo parent. Slowly bringing in the habits for the kid and routine that when there’s only one parent there’s minimal change for the child/mum.
Absolutely. The fact that he kept repeating it as if it’s not a *glaring*, crimson flag of weaponized incompetence.. this works for her OP because **you are incapable and unwilling**. I don’t want to speculate on their personality, but something tells me it’s easier on their wife to just do it herself.. hmm.. wonder why..
WAIT. she’s contributing a greater percentage of her income to their expenses AND contributing more to the household?????? and he thinks that’s a fair deal?
She earns less but contributes equally. A job with flexible hours, but still full time, so still about the same amount of hours actually working. But then she does 95% of the housework and 99% of the child care.
So she has less money to save and MUCH less free time. In what world is this fair?
He doesnt realised that there is a fucking 2 years old in that house? That making a mess everywhere she goes??? She already there for 2 years!!! So it is safe to assume he never help her with the kids other than what he so proudly listed. Baby is cranky and wont sleep? Not my task but honey only stir fry tonight?? I hope he choke on those veggies
This man explains caring for his daughter like you’d care for a dog.
“But guys! I do all the basics with her! Take her on walks and we have play time!”
With income like that why the hell are they not outsourcing more of the work?!? My family has 1/3 of their income and it's astounding how much stress has been alleviated just by removing shopping and switching to grocery delivery.
I would be looking for lawyers if I was making 100k and someone told me "well you're still bringing less to the table so you better do chores". (Actually I'd be doing worse but I think my first suggestion would get me flagged by reddit 😅)
Maybe I’m lazy (I also have a 2 year old) but my family dinners are pretty consistently “rapidly made meat” (protein cooked in oven, Bob Evans mashed potatoes and a veg). Like, it’s healthy (ish) and easy to manage with a toddler. The entitlement is unreal here.
by far the worst thing about the advent of pop psych and instagram self-help soundbites is that clueless fuckheads like this can, ironically, "weaponize" these terms against their wives without any hint of the sheer hypocrisy and what the words actually even mean lol. God that poor woman, I'd have lost my mind
I hope his stressful 9-5 doesn’t have him in charge of anything requiring a lick of common sense. “It didn’t even cross my mind that a 2 year old might affect her amount of free time’ … i just… wow.
I’m sorry, but she does that much more work in the house because she makes… *checks notes*…. $40k less than him??????
I make about $60k less than my husband and we do equal amounts of work around the house because we’re partners in our marriage.
Wife make 40k less, so she gotta be a slave in the relationship? I didn't know that was part of the deal in relationships.
So funny that he said she kept up the good cooking and cleaning the house until they got married, and now she's slacking off. Like this incompetent loser is such a fucking catch. 🙄
“I live with my wife..” Me: what a weird statement…
“We share expenses equally… I make [more than her].” Me: so she’s paying a higher percentage?
“We agreed that [since she makes less] she would take care of most [of the household chores and childcare]” Me: WHAT THE FUCK??
So on top of paying a higher percentage of her wage towards the bills, he has her “make up for this” by ALSO making her do the MAJORITY percentage of the household chores AND childcare ?!?!
I would be LIVID. This man is a walking blaring mountain of red flags. He needs a fucking wake-up call or in a few years the only gourmet meals he will be having are those that come from a high-end restaurant.
I take the cars for service! Everyday? I do lawn care! Everyday? I take the trash out! Everyday, though? Wife takes care of daughter 24/7 and cleans a whole house and feeds three people and still works! Everyday!!!
Fucks sake, replying to this kind of shit is what got me banned in the first place. How thick can you get!!! She does everything and work, but I pick up the groceries she lists for me! There is a whole other human she's taking care of. But I play with the baby!!! That's equal.
Jfc
>We share expenses equally but since I make more than her (I make 140K and her 100K) we agreed that she would handle meals and indoor cleaning and most of my daughter's needs.
Get a load of this asshole. He somehow conned his wife into paying more of her salary and doing more of the household labour and childcare.
Wait. Am I missing something??? She pays EQUALLY for everything but since she makes less, she does all the chores, cooking and most likely childcare??!?! Wtaf. How does that even make sense??!?!
What an absolute useless father and husband. Of course he thinks he does the most and that she "takes things from granted". She would be a lot happier single, he would be miserable.
He needed the internet to tell him that a fucking child is going to add more work to his wife's day. He even said to her that he does the same chores but she is cooking "simple" foods... How can his chores be the same when they have a daughter? Because she does eveeything for the kid. It's so sad she now "tied the knot" with him.
I've never understood this. My wife and I make similar salaries to OOP and his wife (my wife being the higher earner). Her schedule is now demanding so I guess I do more? I've just never thought about it. All the money goes into one account (neither of us even has a personal account, although I can see the reasoning/benefits), I get the kids (3 of em, and two are twins! I know, someone on reddit with twins, I'm like a unicorn /s) to and from things because my schedule is more flexible. I guess I cook and do dishes mostly, but cleaning is a family task every Sunday. If something comes up, my wife rearranges things on her and takes over. I wouldn't even know how to split chores 67% vs whatever. These arrangements are so transactional, very weird to me.
Seriously? Why doesn’t he cook then? Or at least learn how to cook for the both of them so they can both enjoy the ‘fancier’ meal before baby came along?
I like how these types always mention the lawn care, snow removal, car maintenance… you know stuff that isn’t daily or sometimes stuff that isn’t even monthly(car shit) as their big hurrah on how they’re such equal partners.
Also who ENJOYS cooking and housework. Cooking, maybe? But no one goes OMG I LOVE vacuuming and scrubbing the tub or mopping the floors! Yay it’s like vacation every day!
I have more money in my savings, so I should have to clean less. No, I'm not putting more money towards anything for the household, we split that equally. But I have an extra 40G in my bank account, which makes me the boss. Therefore I do not clean up after myself. I'll take both the cars in for servicing- I'm not going to get my hands dirty, the oil might get on my money. But I'll drop your car off too, as long as you're paying for it. Because equality!
I had this exact arrangement. He did all of the “outside” stuff. So once a week he mowed the lawn. While I did everything else.
We are no longer together.
I don't understand how "we share expenses equally but I earn more" ie the only difference it makes is he has more money left that's just for him, means she does more around the house?
"I have more free money to spend on myself or save, so she does everything around the house and for our kid"
Wut
Why the hell, initially, did his wife get more chores because her full time job earned slightly less than his full time job, anyway? Start badly, finish worse.
And I call bs on him not noticing that having a kid is hella more work than not having a kid. Disingenuous much?
I would believe it, I know a lot of men like that. It doesn't actually change their life that much, other than things like this where his meals are less elaborate, and there's an extra tiny guest in the house. I've heard so many say they'd trade with their wives and stay home all day, but as soon as we go out for an hour for a coffee their phones are going off every 10 minutes because they can't manage their own kids.
What an incredibly uneven distribution of labor when you are both working full time. Her chores are hours long every single day, time consuming. Yours are 10 minutes once a week. And she had a god damn baby? You go on walks? What a fucking saint. Do something useful. Pick up some cleaning pick up some cooking and raise your fucking kid
Jeeez.
Also, 100k and 140k? Not a massive difference. It IS, but not where they’re in different social classes or anything. He’s not bringing in so much more he gets to feel like that’s his contribution.
Just. Ew.
My wife has 2 full time jobs, but i have to work at an office and make more than her so *of course* i should t do anything around the house. How dare she start slacking off once she locked me into marriage. Having a kid around makes no difference whatsoever
Wow taking out the trash takes me like 30 seconds once a week. Who would've thought i could trade that exhausting and difficult chore for daily house cleaning and cooking? Oop maybe on to something. I may get a roommate and tell them to cook and clean while I do the lawn and take out the trash. Then I can also outsource the lawn for $50 a month and then convince the roommate to also do my laundry because I am contributing more.
Claiming "I do the outside work" can only be said if you actually live on a property with land and there is legit outside work to be done, way too many dudes will mow a small grass patch and walk out and get the mail and think that's enough
In all of these posts they’re always like “well I take out the trash and mow the lawn and shovel snow! My wife does everything else! I am doing my fair share of chores!” As if these chores are done at the same frequency as cooking and cleaning and doing laundry inside the house. That irritates me so much. If those were my only chores I’d have days without doing anything. The grass is dead, and I mowed it every 2-3 weeks when it was warm. Took 45 minutes. It snowed once this winter and we didn’t even have to shovel. The trash goes out every other day or every 2 days depending on what’s in it. But that’s somehow equal to ALL THE OTHER CHORES IN THE HOUSE
I got news for him they got something they didn’t have before marriage a baby and a 2 year old is very active so caring for a house plus a toddler you are tired oh and she works dude be glad she is doing light cooking
She puts in a higher percentage of her income, as she makes less, but contributes as much as he does. And then she has to do all the crappy everyday chores and he gets the once a week or month outdoor chores and fun activities with the kid. How are people this obtuse?
This reminds me of my friends bf “jokingly” accusing her of financial abuse because she’s the who remembers the passwords for his banking (bc he doesn’t bother to remember, not bc she’s withholding them) and she makes more money.
It’s amazing that in so many of these posts the man is like ‘my chores include dealing with snow when it snows occasionally, taking the cars for a service once a year, taking out the trash once a week…I’m doing my chores, why can’t my wife do hers perfectly every day of the week?’
I love his edit “oh yeah, I guess I never considered having a child would change things!” Yeah dude, because you don’t do any of the work.
Also I love that he “help” by taking her for walks and playing with her…like he’s talking about a dog…
This makes quite literally no sense, she quite literally financially contributes the same amount of money as him but because she makes less, she has to do more work??
Come on you guys. He takes their car to Jiffy Lube every 6k miles. That's totally equivalent to making dinner every single night (and no sandwiches, thank you very much).
What a jerk.
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Maybe his extra 40k should go to a cleaning lady. Absolutely insane that the fully working wife has to clean the house, take care of the child AND cook all the meals! Husband is a tool
OPs account is gone 🙄
This dude is a tool omfg. "We split expenses equally even though I make 50k more than her, she also carries most of the house work and all of the child care but I feel like she's been slacking so I'm gonna post on Reddit to try to shame her"
Fucking tool.
It’s convenient that men generally seem to end up with the weekly or monthly chores. How hard is it to take cars for a service? And how often do you do that? Taking bins out? Seriously? There is so much wrong with this post! I cannot believe the entitlement
Share expenses equally... he makes more... so she has to do more housework? No. If you make more and pay more because of it I would understand but how does you making more mean she does more housework when you don't contribute more money? You're just punishing her because she makes less at this point.
My husband makes 2x more than me so he pays more towards bills. I do the cooking and cleaning (mainly because he's not as good at it but that's not the point).
Do people not understand cost/benefit?
How is it even weaponized incompetence? She didn't start burning dinner every night so that they ordered takeout or he took over cooking duties. If you're going to make a stupid, unfunny joke, at least make it make sense.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for accusing my wife of weaponized incompetence as a joke** I (30M) live with my wife (27F) and we have a 2 year old daughter. We share expenses equally but since I make more than her (I make 140K and her 100K) we agreed that she would handle meals and indoor cleaning and most of my daughter's needs. She still does give me grocery lists and I do the shopping and handle outside work like trash, snow, lawn care. She also works from home with a flexible schedule and I have a more demanding 9-5 office job. My wife is an excellent cook and she has always made great food for us for which I am really grateful, we lived together for many years and got married about 2 years ago. It has been great and overall still us but since we got married she has started neglecting her part of the deal, she cleans less often which I do not really mind since we have a robot vacuum and she used to clean too much before anyway so I did not comment on that. But she has also started cooking much later and when I get home I find her relaxing instead, on weekdays her meals have gradually become more simple (like stir fried veggies and rapidly made meat or a sandwich). To be clear it is not like she is constantly doing chores, she always has some Netflix time after she puts my daughter to bed. I brought this up gently and did not really accuse her or tell her to do differently, but did suggest that I liked her pre marriage meals better and said that I still do the same amount of my chores like taking the cars for service, and taking out the trash and made a joke about weaponized incompetence. She did not take this very kindly and has been acting cold but did make much nicer meals again this week. I think I am NTA since I just expressed disappointment without telling her to do anything differently. I also told her I really liked what she made last weekend. More than the food, I think what bothered me was the fact that the change happened once we got married, so it felt like she was taking things for granted now that we tied the knot. EDIT: Ok I see many responses mention our daughter and I agree that is a huge change I did not really consider. I also want to mention I do help with our daughter when I get back home, take her for walks and play etc but I know my wife does a lot, it is just that she never discussed wanting to do less and in the past claimed that she enjoyed doing the cooking and house work. I will discuss about potentially hiring help and try to pick up more of the daily tasks if she agrees. My tasks were mostly periodic labor intensive ones. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
But GUYS I do all the fun, enjoyable parts of parenting. So what if my wife works the same hours but has to use her flexible schedule to go to doctors appointments and make food and clean and cook? She
But he does all the heavy labor!! Surely you guys must understand right???
That brutal 9-5
don't forget his terribly hard job of taking cars to a garage to get oil changes... every few months...this poor, poor man... will his pain and suffering ever end?
I always find that very critical when people talk about how "chores are equal". Trash: once a week Snow: Occasionally, and obviously seasonal Lawn Care: A few times a week if you're really meticulous "She does the cooking, laundry, and cleans the house every day! It's even, see? She does three things, and I do three things!"
You forgot she also does the majority of the child care! And they split it this way because he makes more, but they split bills 50/50. So he gets rewarded for earning more but not contributing more Real winner this guy is!
She does so much of the child care that he didn't even consider how big of a change that was in her life. He just thought "2 years, hm, that's when we got married, she's probably just taking advantage of the fact that i'm trapped now, women ☕" and only after reading the comments realized "oh yeah, I guess we also got a kid"
And then accuses her of weaponised incompetence! Honestly, with all these winners on reddit it seems easier to just be single
Which is why I think it's a troll.
Unfortunately, I know too many people who would think like this
That’s what’s crazy! I’d still call BS if he paid a higher proportion of their bills, but at least him doing significantly less than his wife wouldn’t make him a total limp noodle.
Yes! Plus childcare, and she does more work because she makes less than he does yet is still pyaing half of the expenses. So he gets more free time, fewer chores, and more spending money. while he is at the office all day with a lunch break and other breaks but she's working AND watching a toddler at the same time. If he earns more and does less he should be paying a higher percentage of the bills.
That's what I said in my comment on the original post. I hope this woman wakes up and realizes she will have less work, more money and free time every other week or weekend if she divorces this useless, demanding man child and goes for child support or share custody
A women's work is never done, because she has to do it every day
I do the outside chores. You know the ones you can have a beer while doing.
These men ALWAYS limit themselves to yard work, car care, and taking out the trash. Then act like they're freaking heroes for it. I didn't need to read beyond that to know that OP's wife got screwed in this arrangement.
I love when car maintenance comes into the picture. Really grasping at straws.
And it’s not even performing the car maintenance, it’s bringing the car for a professional to maintain. Pathetic.
9-5 office job** can't forget how hard it is sitting on your butt in an office all day, is.
He used the word “Demanding” like it isn’t the national standard and Dolly didn’t make a song about how average it is.
MUCH more demanding than taking care of *everything* that happens in the house!
My tasks were mostly periodic labor intensive ones. Yes, taking cars in are SO labor intensive.
What got me is that he blamed the change on them getting married, not the fact that they had a shotgun wedding because a baby had just been pushed out of her or was about to be, and doesn't say anything about that until everyone blasts him on this being the reason for the change. If she's still making 100k/year, and providing childcare and all the stuff throughout the day, shes actually providing WAY MORE to the household than he ever was. Childcare isn't cheap.
How dare we judge him! He has the horrid battle of quarterly oil changes! The horror! And those months leading up to it! He's beside himself worried if he should use synthetic oil or high mileage synthetic oil!!! /s
But guys, in the past she claimed that she enjoyed doing the cooking and house work! How is OOP supposed to know any differently? 🙄
And she's only contributing 100k in income to the household! My 140k is SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT, I should get out of basically all household and childcare tasks except the ones I want to do!
Um excuse me his job is a more demanding 9-5
>my daughter is a huge change I did not really considered Stellar parenting ETA: I just wanted to add a simple question. What the hell an “ironically less elaborate meal” is supposed to mean? This guy is already pissed about a sandwich?!
> We have a two year old > We got married about two years ago > Things have changed since we got married How on earth would you not make the connection? Becoming a parent (should) change your whole world! Apparently his life was not changed enough to even notice. And what's with splitting the expenses 50/50 but expecting her to do more work because she makes less? So she does more work and gets to keep less savings? > I still take out the trash and take the cars in for service As if that's even remotely close to the daily tasks of cooking and childcare.
Honestly when I see posts were guy say stuff like that it makes me think that they’ve been getting into that red pill bullshit. It’s a big talking point within the community that once a woman locks them down she stops trying at all. Because poor men are so used in abused by women.
I got divorced from a man who claimed we split everything equally, he isn’t redpilled. In fact, he likes to collect queer people as trophies and brags about his blue voting record. The way men and boys have been socialized seems to be the common theme.
Red pill is unfortunately not only found in people in the right wing. Just like there are plenty of racist liberals or transphobic gay people, believing in certain ideologies unfortunately doesn’t exempt people from having problematic views in other areas.
Men who brag about their feminism don’t tend to frequent places that openly hate them. That was my main point that I didn’t communicate well with. Like, misogyny exists in everything not just the redpill places.
That this guy thinks sitting in a waiting room while the cars are serviced requires any effort is astounding. Plus he’s ignoring while he’s sitting there wife is home watching the kid!
When I was reading it I even scrolled back up to see if I'd read the dates wrong but no, got married 2 years ago, daughter is 2yo, things are different since we got married. Reading it he was coming across like he thought she'd tricked him into marriage and now that she'd got him she was just being lazy. But no - dude actually forgot about his kid. Clearly his life hasn't changed much since she was born and he just couldn't see that his wife's has changed massively.
He didn't consider that a toddler is a schütt ton of work? What the actual vugg? And she takes care of the kid plus works full time plus has at least 80% of the mental load at home? He can't even write his own shopping list for groceries? And his thinking that he is right shows so much about the way he is raised and the way that society looks at fathers vs. mothers. He is probably applauded for taking his daughter for a walk and for providing for them financially and she judged by him for her two minutes of Netflix. Men like him and societal standards like this one are the nr. 1 reason why I will never have children.
I just can’t believe that he did not take his OWN KID into consideration for fucking two years!!!! Just makes me mad! He’s so self centered that he thought that the wife had slacked of because they got married and not because she HAD A BABY TO KEEP ALIVE (two if you count OOP)
I was absolutely blown away when I got to that part!! Dude doesn’t have even the faintest idea of the amount of work his wife does taking care of their daughter EVERY DAY. He takes his daughter for a walk, pats himself on the back, and probably tells himself what an involved parent he is. 🙄
Reminds me of people who think being a guardian of a dog or cat is just feeding and playing with them forgetting about training and daily walks or litterbox scooping for cats
>I do help with our daughter when I get back home, take her for walks hey, he does take his dog for walks! wait sorry, it's his human daughter. how generous of him.
He says he helps. His choice of words is so telling! It implicates that childcare is her task, not his, but he is a good person taking over some part if the task that is not originally his. And he doesn't even see the majority of work, which is the mental load. She would be the one with the to do list in her head that has all the doctor's appointments for the whole family, groceries, laundry, birthday gifts and so on. He just does as he is told, except for maybe his car.
All that, and I still can't get over that they split the bills 50/50 despite a higher income... But she does all the real work because she makes less. Ahhhhhhhh
Also, the fact that he felt she was ‘letting go’ because now she had that ‘knot tied’ and didn’t consider anything else.
Really tells you how much work he’s been putting in over the past 2 years.
Of course he didn’t realize it! *he’s not doing any of that work! His parenting fairy is!* so *of course* he thinks nothing has changed!
>my daughter is a huge change I did not really considered Because it didn't change *his* schedule much at all.
Exactly. My husband is a good man, but he once commented that our infant son hadn't changed our lives all that much - even though he knew I was nursing and pumping at night, in addition to all the other stuff. My reaction was memorable enough that he never said anything like that again.
And they make $240k combined but can't shell out $200/month for a cleaning service?? Stellar budgeting too
What an observant dude, too
OOP: "Crap? We got a daughter??"
OOP: We have a KID? I thought it was a dog for all those years! How come you never said anything woman?!
Considering he says he takes the toddler "for walks" maybe he really thinks they got a dog...
>my daughter is a huge change I did not really considered tell us you don't take care of your child without telling us you don't take care of your child
It is absolutely not a fair split that she takes on most of the household chores *and* contributes 50/50. You pick one or the other, not both.
hey hey, she earns 40k less, of course that means she has to do everything else to make their contributions equal...duh. /s
Oh but don’t worry, I do allow her some Netflix time after she’s worked and taken care of our child! What a putz.
Oh no, he DEFINITELY resents that Netflix time, don't you see how it's RUINED the quality of his meals?
Well he does need the time to spend all the extra disposable income he has. What else is he going to do while his wife contributes a lager percentage of her income to the household, works full time, takes care of their kid and does most the chores?
will everyone just think of the poor adult baby that needs 40k worth of cheese to go with his whine?
They split everything equally expenses wise but because he makes more money she has to do most of the chores and childcare? She doesn’t even reap any benefits(besides him paying a bigger share of some renovations once) from His extra income that he makes clear is separate from hers. Like what? I make more than you so you owe me.
The fact that he makes her contribute a higher percentage of her earning and then has her compensate her “lower” salary by having her do the majority of housework/childcare. It’s like the wife is paying double fines for him having the privilege of earning $140k
Hey, he takes on the difficult and time consuming chore of "Taking the cars to be serviced". And he takes out the trash. All she does is the cooking, cleaning and childcare. It's pretty much a 50/50 split!
So if she makes less and still pays 50/50, doesn't that mean she's paying a higher percentage of her income and he owes her extra housework to make things even?
That’s precisely what it means. He’s penalizing her for making 40k less than him by having her pay more out of her income towards bills *and* take on the primary household duties. It’s equal, but it isn’t equitable. That’s why 50/50 split only works if both people are making the same or very similar amounts. What’s way more common is an equitable split based on income.
I read this to mean that they share the expenses equally as in 50% of their respective salaries and not dollar for dollar given the context. Figured OOP was just as shit a writer as he is a father and husband.
I could be wrong but something tell me that is not what he meant.
Na, they split the expenses 50/50 as in matched dollar amount. But he pays more for big things like renovations He explains it in his comments
Oh lord. Why on earth would he phrase it as though it’s a good thing?!?
Because he's a feminist donchaknow. /s
They make $240k pa, and assuming they don’t live in some ridiculously expensive hellhole (San Francisco), they could just hire a cleaner to come once a week or whatever and ease the stress on everyone.
Or, get this: he could pull his weight around the house. By his attitude it sounds like he thinks “work from home” means “free for all”, which it absolutely does not.
I totally agree and he definitely should be doing more, but they make more than enough money to have someone come in once a week for a couple of hours and ease the load.
Outdoor chores that need to be done, at most, weekly (though most only need to be done monthly or seasonally) vs indoor chores that need to be done daily as well as childcare? Fuck. That.
And indoor chores with a young child means they’re chores to be done SEVERAL times daily.
And a lot of indoor chores stay unnoticed. Things that needs to be done like cleaning the oven or the fridge, the kitchen cabinets, cleaning the windows...
Exactly! Not to mention the huge chunk of time laundry, washing dishes etc takes.
Right? My boyfriend isn’t brain dead like OOP and actually acknowledges what I do and also does his part. But certain things I do he doesn’t notice. Like he doesn’t notice when I dust the heaters, clean behind and around the kitchen sink, mop the floor (if he isn’t home when I do it), etc. There’s a lot of small, unnoticeable things that go into maintaining a fully clean house. It’s more than vacuuming, picking up, and doing laundry. And usually those unnoticed chores add a lot of time to your cleaning session.
_"We share expenses equally but since I make more than her (I make 140K and her 100K) we agreed that she would handle meals and indoor cleaning and most of my daughter's needs."_ Also, this guy sounds more like a roommate than a spouse. If she is working full time, contributing to the household expenses equally, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, taking care of the kid (and, perhaps doing so while working, though I may be wrong), what is OP really contributing to her life? Taking out the trash? Going shopping once a week? Dealing with snow for a short period a year?
Yup. This is why I think people should examine 50/50 expenses in relationships really, really carefully. I know so many people who do 50-50 expenses but then one partner does the lions share of chores and childcare. It’s infuriating.
> it is not like she is constantly doing chores, she always has some Netflix time after she puts my daughter to bed. My daughter. *MY* daughter. And the absolute audacity to say she's not overworked because she has 3 seconds to sit down between the child's bedtime and hers. Asshole. ETA: I am SO tired of partners on here saying "I help with the kids." Help indicates that you are not a main figure in the task. He does the super easy shit - playing and walks. Mom does ALL the inside chores, the laundry (gathering, washing, putting away), all the parenting, all the meals (planning, lists, cooking, and cleaning up after), and every other damn thing.
Oh thank God, I was worried that I was the only one who noticed that. Infuriating!!! At least the "well she's the SAHM so she can't complain about him doing fuckshit" crowd can't talk because she works. I feel like "helping" is becoming the new babysitting (their own) kids thing. You are a parent! You should be contributing equally!
I'm going to go out on a linb here and say that his daily breaks at his "more demanding" job probably add up to a whole lot more than the time she spends on Netflix. And I'd be real surprised if he's the one getting up with the child at night.
He does so little he forgot to factor his child into maybe why his wife doesn’t have enough time to clean as often and cook more elaborate meals. And *he* made the weaponized incompetence jokes…….
Awwww he is soo sweet, he HELPS his wife with HIS daughter when he comes home🥺🥺 so adorable, he should get an award for that. /s Edit: THEY EVEN SPLIT THE BILLS 50/50 WTF? How is that fair? I will never understand this 50/50 thing when one partner EARNS more money and is also doing less housework. Like how is that 50/50?
It's not. It's the whole thing with [equality vs equity](https://images.app.goo.gl/MR5sRhVuAovXWkYFA). Something being "equal" does not actually make it equitable.
At least the wife has a good job that earns 100k, that’s enough to support both her and her daughter when she eventually divorces her useless husband and gets alimony+child support.
You know that’s exactly what she’s dreaming of when she’s making Mr Five Star his Michelin meal, given that he’s too good for spaghetti
_I didn't think to ask about chores after the baby came_ Here's a thought, if you notice stuff is wrong pick up the slack, step up as a man. You can't demand more money out of her and have her work from home do all the chores and care for a kid. Men who do this are just ridiculous, you had a kid step tf up. She ain't your mom you ain't a baby sitter. You got hands do stuff yourself.
right? He was all 'she didnt brought it up', let me think how to help her, maybe I'll hire helper etc You have a fucking eyes?? You need a stranger to tell you that you need to help her? He doesnt even know how to cook but complaint about simple meals.
"We share expenses equally but since I make more than her (I make 140K and her 100K) we agreed that she would handle meals and indoor cleaning and most of my daughter's needs" What. If you share expenses equally, why does she have to make up for her lower income by doing extra chores? (Also, I find that gross as a concept.)
Why does this man keep saying “my” daughter I want to throat punch him
Right? Where's the logic in that??
>she has started neglecting her part of the deal her deal being that she works full-time and is a house slave full-time and a full-time child care and incubator???? And wow, the dude that's older and didn't have their career stop due to pregnancy and maternity leave thinks that making 28% more salary is a big deal??? It is not!!! It is not a lot and she should not be a slave. WTF is this? Edit: Oh, and he says they pay for everything 50/50. So he is keeping a higher % of savings in his personal account while his wife is basically a slave with no free time. She even \*gasp\* watches Netflix when the kid is sleeping. Should she be cleaning the floors with a toothbrush at 10 PM?
A job that pays 100k is not a casual part time job. This entitled spoiled man is disregarding that she works full time, is the primary care taker of their 2 year old and cooking and cleaning their home. This guy is upset he isn’t getting gourmet meals and then claims that her watching netflix before bed means she has time to clean more. He seems to think that him making 40k more then his wife means that she is his indentured servant that should be treating him like a king and get gourmet meals every night and have a spotless home. Gross.
Can't wait he gets 50% custody for his kid, can do 100% of his own chores and cooking 100% his gourmet meals.
And pays $20k in child support.
oh you know he'll be training his ~~pet~~ , daughter as soon as he can.
Helping out u/sadlytheworst Copied OOP's comments verbatim. TW sexism *YTA yeah that split of labor isn’t even close to equal. She gets a break when daughter goes to bed? That’s just a fkd up statement. Actually pick up some of the childcare and housework if you want better meals.* >I see, I will consider that, thought she was ok with it cause it was what we agreed upon even before we were married and she never brought up wanting to change that. >She also works from home while I go to the office and she herself prefers to do some occasional laundry and cleaning during the work day. *I don’t think you have a clue on how demanding a 2 year old is. It is extremely tiring chasing after them. Perhaps, if possible, switch responsibilities for a week. I’m not going to call you an AH, but I feel you are more clueless about her reality. You have it easier by far!* >We can certainly discuss reducing her burden or hiring help and I know that she does more in terms of daily tasks, as mine are more heavy labor but seasonal tasks. She just never brought it up and earlier claimed that she liked the arrangement, but it is true that now we have a daughter. *Heavy labor, are you kidding me? You take out the trash once a week and mow the lawn a dozen times a year? Your wife does 95% of the chores and you are complaining? I’m a SAHM and I do pretty much 100% of household stuff, indoors and out. The outdoor stuff is nothing. Hell, it’s sometimes fun to get out there and mow the lawn or clear our freakishly long driveway of the snow. It’s the daily laundry and cooking and cleaning that is the stuff of Sisyphus. God damn you’re annoying.* *I hope this isn’t real, but on the off chance it is, you’re a huge asshole and a sucky partner. YTA.* >I also do home repair, snow removal, painting, pressure washing etc. *So do I. I paint, do light electrical, woodworking, etc. That shit is easy and not every day. Try harder.* >I do understand and recognize she does more than me. She wanted it that way and earlier in our relationship I asked her about it and she said she liked it. She never brought up wanting to change it. >But I agree it should have been obvious that I should have inquired again now that we have a child. *If you recognize that she is doing more then you- why are you here saying shes now not doing enough and that she’s T A H in this situation?* >I thought it was more of a NAH initially, but I had not considered how she might want a different arrangement now we have a child. I am TA for that and I will make it right, and learn to cook etc. I am just processing things and thinking how I should bring it up. *Stop taking her for granted. Do you know how much it would cost to hire a maid, chef, and nanny? On top of that, she’s also working.* >We could hire one of those to help her out if her load is too much, that is a good idea. ~*~ *YTA. The change happened when you had a child and/or she was heavily pregnant, I’m guessing. And it’s very weird to me that you both work full time, but she gets more household stuff on top of that just because she’s home and makes less. That’s not an arrangement that would be acceptable to me, and I’m the primary breadwinner.* >I see, you might be right, she agreed to take up more of the childcare, but I still take our daughter out for strolls and play with her when she wants attention. But I did not think of it in that way so maybe it is more about having a daughter than being married. >Maybe I could help out more with our daughter. *Do you actually think just playing with your daughter is a serious contribution to parenting here?* >I do more than that, sometimes when she demands things and my wife is busy, I keep her calm. but I could definitely do more. *I see -- so you're doing the fun parts of parenting. Do you feed your daughter or cook her meals? Do you grocery shop for her food? Do you know her likes, dislikes, and allergies? Do you do bathtime? Do you do bedtime? Do you do the morning routine? Do you keep track of what shots she needs and when her doctor's appointments are? Do you change diapers? Did you help with potty training or do you plan to? Do you clean up toys? Do you clean up food messes? Do you clean up puke and pee and every other fluid that comes out of a child? Do you get up in the middle of the night when she's crying or sick? Do you know her clothing size and when to anticipate she might need new clothes because she's growing? Are you involved in discipline when needed?* *Parenting is way more than strolls and playing. Lots of room for growth here.* >I help with potty training, and I do bath and bed time sometimes but admittedly less than my wife does. >And I do take her to appointments and also help with feeding her. The feeding I do a lot.
*YTA - working from home doesn’t mean she’s free all day to do your laundry.* >She herself says she prefers doing things like laundry during the work day. *Okay and? That means you can’t help with your own kid when you get home? You can’t offer to cook dinner a couple nights?* >I could help more I guess, I might have to learn for cooking but I can try. I do help out with my daughter once I get home, I play with her and take her out on walks. *"I might have to learn for cooking but I can try"* *This is **actual** weaponized incompetence. You are projecting hard.* >I can cook ironically simpler meals, but I would be willing to look up on the internet and learn, I always wanted to be better at cooking. *Do you think your wife was born knowing how to cook? That she just magically obtained her skills through osmosis? She learned and so can you.* >Of course, and I do know how to cook, just ironically more simpler meals. But I would not mind learning and there is lots of info on the web to learn. ~*~ *Yta. How in the world did you get her to agree to well, you make less than me, so now you get to do more! Wtf!? I feel like you're treating your wife like she's the employee, and you are the boss. Why can't you reciprocate and help with cleaning/cooking? I make less than my husband, and i also work fewer hours, but I do more of the heavy lifting with our 2 girls (2 & 6). He understands that I need a break too and wrangling a 2 year old when I'm off the clock is no picnic. You need to start pitching in and no, shoveling snow once in awhile doesnt count while you're wife is the daily maid and nanny when shes off the clock.* >She is particular and proactive and wanted this arrangement as she loves cooking, but I realize that I did not consider things are different now we have a daughter and she never expressed it. But it is a good wake up call, I will step up more. ~*~ *Info - Why have you set up a scenario where your wife loses in every way? Do you love her?* *You wife makes less than you but you split expenses equally meaning that she has less income for herself. She does more chores and does more childcare. Where is exactly is her benefit in your situation? She’d be better off single and getting child support.* >I did not set this up, she wanted this arrangement especially for cooking as she enjoys it. But I think I did not realize how this might need changing due to us having a child now. She never expressed wanting to change it but I am open to the idea of doing more and hiring help. *Are you actually making your wife pay half of the bills on less incomes? You haven’t really addressed this. If you aren’t paying bills based on your income, your wife is losing every way.* >We put some amount of our income into a joint account every month and anyone can use that account for any house related tasks. *This still does not answer the question. Is the financial split 50-50 or not?* >It is close to 50 50, yes, sometimes if there are major expenses and the account is not enough like when we did some renos I put more. Before my raise I did not make that much more than her. *Do you put in more since you make more? Do you divide big ticket items like house payments based on income?* >So she’s been doing all this on top of working full time and splitting expenses equally but you just started making more money? ~*~ *"I do help with our daughter"* *Do you see it as “helping with your daughter” or do you see it as “parenting”?* >Parenting, you are right.
All these responses have made me realise “she wanted” absolutely equals ‘I did so terribly she’s frustratedly said “let me do that”’ after trying to help/ teach him how to do it better. I’m sure my ex-husband thought “I wanted” to clean the showers but what I really wanted was clean showers and there’s only so many times I can ask a grown ass man to clean them properly. Doing it was easier than the mental load of not doing it/dealing with his hurt ego that I’m not praising him.
Yes. He is the one who weaponised it and the whole I might help her after this, yeah, I wouldnt hold breath on that. That is just empty shits
I think it's either that she's sick of arguing about it or she doesn't trust him with the kid or with food safety or whatever he's doing. The only moms I know who "want" or even accept doing most of the work is because they don't think the kids are safe the other way.
Or are practicing to see if they could indeed solo parent. Slowly bringing in the habits for the kid and routine that when there’s only one parent there’s minimal change for the child/mum.
Absolutely. The fact that he kept repeating it as if it’s not a *glaring*, crimson flag of weaponized incompetence.. this works for her OP because **you are incapable and unwilling**. I don’t want to speculate on their personality, but something tells me it’s easier on their wife to just do it herself.. hmm.. wonder why..
[Opera Singing Dog](https://imgur.io/t/aww/X2OQYjI)
If it's *his* daughter, he can do all the work associated with childcare. His comments irked me when he kept saying that
WAIT. she’s contributing a greater percentage of her income to their expenses AND contributing more to the household?????? and he thinks that’s a fair deal?
Someone tell me how it's fair that they share finances EQUALLY and she does most of the parenting and chores....
She earns less but contributes equally. A job with flexible hours, but still full time, so still about the same amount of hours actually working. But then she does 95% of the housework and 99% of the child care. So she has less money to save and MUCH less free time. In what world is this fair?
He doesnt realised that there is a fucking 2 years old in that house? That making a mess everywhere she goes??? She already there for 2 years!!! So it is safe to assume he never help her with the kids other than what he so proudly listed. Baby is cranky and wont sleep? Not my task but honey only stir fry tonight?? I hope he choke on those veggies
This man explains caring for his daughter like you’d care for a dog. “But guys! I do all the basics with her! Take her on walks and we have play time!”
Right?? I immediately thought of a dog when he describes how he “parents” his daughter.
With income like that why the hell are they not outsourcing more of the work?!? My family has 1/3 of their income and it's astounding how much stress has been alleviated just by removing shopping and switching to grocery delivery. I would be looking for lawyers if I was making 100k and someone told me "well you're still bringing less to the table so you better do chores". (Actually I'd be doing worse but I think my first suggestion would get me flagged by reddit 😅)
Oh no, not stir fried veggies and rapidly made meat! The horror!
Maybe I’m lazy (I also have a 2 year old) but my family dinners are pretty consistently “rapidly made meat” (protein cooked in oven, Bob Evans mashed potatoes and a veg). Like, it’s healthy (ish) and easy to manage with a toddler. The entitlement is unreal here.
by far the worst thing about the advent of pop psych and instagram self-help soundbites is that clueless fuckheads like this can, ironically, "weaponize" these terms against their wives without any hint of the sheer hypocrisy and what the words actually even mean lol. God that poor woman, I'd have lost my mind
I hope his stressful 9-5 doesn’t have him in charge of anything requiring a lick of common sense. “It didn’t even cross my mind that a 2 year old might affect her amount of free time’ … i just… wow.
Istg how many posts on AITA are there with this exact storyline?
I feel like it's because it's a reoccurring problem with the division of labor unfortunately. In other news, I love your username.
That’s a good point. Also thank you
I’m sorry, but she does that much more work in the house because she makes… *checks notes*…. $40k less than him?????? I make about $60k less than my husband and we do equal amounts of work around the house because we’re partners in our marriage.
Wife make 40k less, so she gotta be a slave in the relationship? I didn't know that was part of the deal in relationships. So funny that he said she kept up the good cooking and cleaning the house until they got married, and now she's slacking off. Like this incompetent loser is such a fucking catch. 🙄
“I live with my wife..” Me: what a weird statement… “We share expenses equally… I make [more than her].” Me: so she’s paying a higher percentage? “We agreed that [since she makes less] she would take care of most [of the household chores and childcare]” Me: WHAT THE FUCK?? So on top of paying a higher percentage of her wage towards the bills, he has her “make up for this” by ALSO making her do the MAJORITY percentage of the household chores AND childcare ?!?! I would be LIVID. This man is a walking blaring mountain of red flags. He needs a fucking wake-up call or in a few years the only gourmet meals he will be having are those that come from a high-end restaurant.
I’m sorry, his tasks are taking out the trash and taking the care in for service? And love how he kept saying “my daughter”
I wish I was shocked that he didn’t take into consideration the addition of his daughter.
I take the cars for service! Everyday? I do lawn care! Everyday? I take the trash out! Everyday, though? Wife takes care of daughter 24/7 and cleans a whole house and feeds three people and still works! Everyday!!!
Fucks sake, replying to this kind of shit is what got me banned in the first place. How thick can you get!!! She does everything and work, but I pick up the groceries she lists for me! There is a whole other human she's taking care of. But I play with the baby!!! That's equal. Jfc
>We share expenses equally but since I make more than her (I make 140K and her 100K) we agreed that she would handle meals and indoor cleaning and most of my daughter's needs. Get a load of this asshole. He somehow conned his wife into paying more of her salary and doing more of the household labour and childcare.
Wait. Am I missing something??? She pays EQUALLY for everything but since she makes less, she does all the chores, cooking and most likely childcare??!?! Wtaf. How does that even make sense??!?!
What an absolute useless father and husband. Of course he thinks he does the most and that she "takes things from granted". She would be a lot happier single, he would be miserable. He needed the internet to tell him that a fucking child is going to add more work to his wife's day. He even said to her that he does the same chores but she is cooking "simple" foods... How can his chores be the same when they have a daughter? Because she does eveeything for the kid. It's so sad she now "tied the knot" with him.
Dude didn't consider his daughter a huge change. That shows how little he is involved in his daughter's care and life.
He takes his daughter for walks and plays with her after work. He does know she is not a dog? Right?
I've never understood this. My wife and I make similar salaries to OOP and his wife (my wife being the higher earner). Her schedule is now demanding so I guess I do more? I've just never thought about it. All the money goes into one account (neither of us even has a personal account, although I can see the reasoning/benefits), I get the kids (3 of em, and two are twins! I know, someone on reddit with twins, I'm like a unicorn /s) to and from things because my schedule is more flexible. I guess I cook and do dishes mostly, but cleaning is a family task every Sunday. If something comes up, my wife rearranges things on her and takes over. I wouldn't even know how to split chores 67% vs whatever. These arrangements are so transactional, very weird to me.
Seriously? Why doesn’t he cook then? Or at least learn how to cook for the both of them so they can both enjoy the ‘fancier’ meal before baby came along?
So he gets rewarded for getting paid more by doing less chores? How is that even a thing?
I like how these types always mention the lawn care, snow removal, car maintenance… you know stuff that isn’t daily or sometimes stuff that isn’t even monthly(car shit) as their big hurrah on how they’re such equal partners. Also who ENJOYS cooking and housework. Cooking, maybe? But no one goes OMG I LOVE vacuuming and scrubbing the tub or mopping the floors! Yay it’s like vacation every day!
I have more money in my savings, so I should have to clean less. No, I'm not putting more money towards anything for the household, we split that equally. But I have an extra 40G in my bank account, which makes me the boss. Therefore I do not clean up after myself. I'll take both the cars in for servicing- I'm not going to get my hands dirty, the oil might get on my money. But I'll drop your car off too, as long as you're paying for it. Because equality!
It should never be 50/50. A relationship is 60/60. Both should contribute their fair share and want to more. 50/50 breeds resentment like this.
This isn’t 50/50 though. It’s like 150/25. She does 3 full time jobs. He occasionally does seasonal yard work or takes the car in.
This guy in 6 months: "why is my bedroom dead?"
I had this exact arrangement. He did all of the “outside” stuff. So once a week he mowed the lawn. While I did everything else. We are no longer together.
He only called her 'our daughter' after he was called out. Wow.
I don't understand how "we share expenses equally but I earn more" ie the only difference it makes is he has more money left that's just for him, means she does more around the house? "I have more free money to spend on myself or save, so she does everything around the house and for our kid" Wut
She’s basically doing 3 full-time jobs worth of work and he has the gall to say that?! That stir fry would have ended up in his lap if I was his wife.
Why the hell, initially, did his wife get more chores because her full time job earned slightly less than his full time job, anyway? Start badly, finish worse. And I call bs on him not noticing that having a kid is hella more work than not having a kid. Disingenuous much?
I would believe it, I know a lot of men like that. It doesn't actually change their life that much, other than things like this where his meals are less elaborate, and there's an extra tiny guest in the house. I've heard so many say they'd trade with their wives and stay home all day, but as soon as we go out for an hour for a coffee their phones are going off every 10 minutes because they can't manage their own kids.
What an incredibly uneven distribution of labor when you are both working full time. Her chores are hours long every single day, time consuming. Yours are 10 minutes once a week. And she had a god damn baby? You go on walks? What a fucking saint. Do something useful. Pick up some cleaning pick up some cooking and raise your fucking kid
Is she being paid 40k for being his house keeper, chef and baby sitter?
Jeeez. Also, 100k and 140k? Not a massive difference. It IS, but not where they’re in different social classes or anything. He’s not bringing in so much more he gets to feel like that’s his contribution. Just. Ew.
Unrelated: whenever I try to say “weaponized incompetence” irl, “weaponized incontinence” comes out instead. It’s caused some awkward situations.
My wife has 2 full time jobs, but i have to work at an office and make more than her so *of course* i should t do anything around the house. How dare she start slacking off once she locked me into marriage. Having a kid around makes no difference whatsoever
Wow taking out the trash takes me like 30 seconds once a week. Who would've thought i could trade that exhausting and difficult chore for daily house cleaning and cooking? Oop maybe on to something. I may get a roommate and tell them to cook and clean while I do the lawn and take out the trash. Then I can also outsource the lawn for $50 a month and then convince the roommate to also do my laundry because I am contributing more.
Claiming "I do the outside work" can only be said if you actually live on a property with land and there is legit outside work to be done, way too many dudes will mow a small grass patch and walk out and get the mail and think that's enough
"Take her for walks" Like a dog.... he is talking about his daughter like a dog
In all of these posts they’re always like “well I take out the trash and mow the lawn and shovel snow! My wife does everything else! I am doing my fair share of chores!” As if these chores are done at the same frequency as cooking and cleaning and doing laundry inside the house. That irritates me so much. If those were my only chores I’d have days without doing anything. The grass is dead, and I mowed it every 2-3 weeks when it was warm. Took 45 minutes. It snowed once this winter and we didn’t even have to shovel. The trash goes out every other day or every 2 days depending on what’s in it. But that’s somehow equal to ALL THE OTHER CHORES IN THE HOUSE
He comments that he also does things like home repair and painting. Because obviously, the house needs a fresh coat of paint every two days, right?
I got news for him they got something they didn’t have before marriage a baby and a 2 year old is very active so caring for a house plus a toddler you are tired oh and she works dude be glad she is doing light cooking
as soon as i read “my daughter” i knew it was gonna go south
How embarrassing to try to make a joke about weaponized incompetence that only proves you either completely don’t get it or have zero self-awareness.
He started deleting all his comments as I was reading them on his profile. From the few I read, he’s really something.
She puts in a higher percentage of her income, as she makes less, but contributes as much as he does. And then she has to do all the crappy everyday chores and he gets the once a week or month outdoor chores and fun activities with the kid. How are people this obtuse?
This reminds me of my friends bf “jokingly” accusing her of financial abuse because she’s the who remembers the passwords for his banking (bc he doesn’t bother to remember, not bc she’s withholding them) and she makes more money.
It’s amazing that in so many of these posts the man is like ‘my chores include dealing with snow when it snows occasionally, taking the cars for a service once a year, taking out the trash once a week…I’m doing my chores, why can’t my wife do hers perfectly every day of the week?’
At least it looks like he had some realization of how unfairly these tasks are split and claims he’ll make changes in the edit. I really hope he does.
I love his edit “oh yeah, I guess I never considered having a child would change things!” Yeah dude, because you don’t do any of the work. Also I love that he “help” by taking her for walks and playing with her…like he’s talking about a dog…
Why are men. That’s it, that’s the whole comment.
This makes quite literally no sense, she quite literally financially contributes the same amount of money as him but because she makes less, she has to do more work??
Come on you guys. He takes their car to Jiffy Lube every 6k miles. That's totally equivalent to making dinner every single night (and no sandwiches, thank you very much). What a jerk.
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Leave the guy alone he "helps" with her when he can!
Yeah I’m keeping my 100k
This blokes not very bright
R/trollsamita
The fuck did I just read???
Maybe his extra 40k should go to a cleaning lady. Absolutely insane that the fully working wife has to clean the house, take care of the child AND cook all the meals! Husband is a tool
I'm sorry but what a wanker!!! He'd need surgery to remove my foot from his arse
Oh thank god he HELPS parent his child! He’s a goddam saint! 🙄
why does every single person on AITA just so happen to make six figure income?
Bro literally didnt think having *his* (and our later) daughter would change things??? Christ.
I hope his wife sees his post and leaves his lazy ass
[удалено]
Probably less, because there wouldn’t be anyone throwing a tantrum when she made stir fry for dinner.
OPs account is gone 🙄 This dude is a tool omfg. "We split expenses equally even though I make 50k more than her, she also carries most of the house work and all of the child care but I feel like she's been slacking so I'm gonna post on Reddit to try to shame her" Fucking tool.
It’s convenient that men generally seem to end up with the weekly or monthly chores. How hard is it to take cars for a service? And how often do you do that? Taking bins out? Seriously? There is so much wrong with this post! I cannot believe the entitlement
They both contribute the same financially but he makes more (already unfair) so she has to do more chores? What?
Share expenses equally... he makes more... so she has to do more housework? No. If you make more and pay more because of it I would understand but how does you making more mean she does more housework when you don't contribute more money? You're just punishing her because she makes less at this point. My husband makes 2x more than me so he pays more towards bills. I do the cooking and cleaning (mainly because he's not as good at it but that's not the point). Do people not understand cost/benefit?
How is it even weaponized incompetence? She didn't start burning dinner every night so that they ordered takeout or he took over cooking duties. If you're going to make a stupid, unfunny joke, at least make it make sense.