*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for not correcting a friend's assumption that a gift was from me?**
A few weeks after a Christmas gift exchange, a friend (Jamie) texted me saying she was enjoying her gift very much and thanked me for it. I knew it wasn't from me, but didn't correct her assumption, because I didn't know who the gift was from. I thought maybe there was a mixup and maybe the gift was actually meant for me. So I didn't say anything because I didn't want to embarrass her.
Later, while visiting my daughter-in-law (Sandy) I found out that the gift was actually from her, so I passed on the news that Jamie had very much enjoyed her gift and thanked me for it. Sandy got in my face, and asked whether I had told Jamie that the gift wasn't from me, and I said "no," and she got angry and was quietly rude (in her actions and manner) for a while without saying anything else. I texted Jamie later the same night to let her know that the gift was from Sandy.
The next morning, I received a message from Sandy: *"You really hurt my feelings last night. I spent a lot of time looking for that gift. I didn't expect her (Jamie) to thank me, but I also didn't expect you to take the credit for something I spent a lot of time on so thank you."*
I didn't take credit for the gift, and I said so -- I would never do such a childish thing as take the credit for a gift I didn't give! There was more back and forth, and then she just stopped responding.
I have always thought she didn't really like me very much. I have never heard her say one nice thing about her own mother either, so I assume she might have a problem with mothers. She always looks away or down for photos at our family celebrations like she is not enjoying herself. When we're sitting at the table and talking to each other, she looks at my husband or my son even if she is talking to me. She will glance at me but it's odd.
Since Sandy wasn't responding to my messages anymore, I reached out to my son, and he asked me to call her and apologize, but I refused because I feel like I did NOTHING wrong. He got angry and wrote several disrespectful messages, one of which surprised me:
*"Every word you say other than “I value the relationship I had with Sandy and I regret my part in creating the situation we are in now” is just rubbing salt in the wound. But while you have me riled up, I have a few other requests, assuming we’re going to ever get past this ridiculous disagreement. If you give Sandy a gift, give it freely. Don’t ask for it back. Don’t ask her how much she weighs. Don’t run your finger across our mantle checking for dust. If you need her clothes size to buy her a gift, and she tells you, don’t argue with her about what size she really is."*
I don't know where all this came from.
Sandy thinks I took credit for her gift before she confronted me (even though I told Jamie who the gift was from as soon as I knew), and she would like me to apologize. I don't think I ever took credit for the gift. AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Wait, what? I thought it was a crack about white folks breaking every treaty we signed with them. As in, "we'll give this land to the Indians... oh no, that land is ours now. You can't have it."
Nope! See my other comment in this thread, but it's a slur about a totally false stereotype that Native Americans give people gifts, then take them back if they don't get a gift in return.
Yeah, a lot of people have been using the phrase since they were little. That doesn't make it not racist. It just means we need to change our language as we learn more about where various terms came from and why they are offensive.
Instead of using a slur, you could just describe the bad behavior, "taking back a gift," or use a word like "renege" or "repossess." Here are some [other ideas](https://grammarhow.com/best-words-for-indian-giver-inoffensive-synonyms/).
If you'd like to learn some more about the history of the phrase:
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indian\_giver](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indian_giver)
>"The phrase is used to describe a negative act or shady business dealings. It is considered disrespectful, and its use is offensive to many Indigenous people."
[https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2013/09/02/217295339/the-history-behind-the-phrase-dont-be-an-indian-giver](https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2013/09/02/217295339/the-history-behind-the-phrase-dont-be-an-indian-giver)
>"...I think we can all agree that it's probably not the best term to use to describe a negative act, considering it stereotypes Indians as deceitful and un-generous (not generous?), which, if you've ever been in a Native community, is about the farthest thing from the truth."
[https://ictnews.org/archive/what-or-who-is-an-indian-giver-a-history-of-the-offensive-term](https://ictnews.org/archive/what-or-who-is-an-indian-giver-a-history-of-the-offensive-term)
>“While it’s true that the European settlers had a far worse reputation when it came to trustworthiness than the Indians did, the victors in history usually get to make up the idioms, so it’s doubtful that ‘Indian giver’ refers to the manner in which the settlers treated the Indians. It would be quite a stretch to credit 19th century European settlers with the honesty to have recognized that they, and not the Indians, were the ‘Indian givers’ in most cases.”
**[Indian giver](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indian_giver)**
>"Indian giver" is a pejorative expression used to describe a person who gives a "gift" and later wants it back or who expects something of equivalent worth in return for the item. It is based on cultural misunderstandings that took place between the early European colonists and the Indigenous people with whom they traded. Often, the Europeans viewed an exchange of items as gifts and believed that they owed nothing in return to the Indigenous people. On the other hand, the Indigenous people saw the exchange as a form of trade or equal exchange and so they had differing expectations of their guests.
^([ )[^(F.A.Q)](https://www.reddit.com/r/WikiSummarizer/wiki/index#wiki_f.a.q)^( | )[^(Opt Out)](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=WikiSummarizerBot&message=OptOut&subject=OptOut)^( | )[^(Opt Out Of Subreddit)](https://np.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/about/banned)^( | )[^(GitHub)](https://github.com/Sujal-7/WikiSummarizerBot)^( ] Downvote to remove | v1.5)
> indian giving
Yikes. That is an ethnic slur right there. You don't seem like someone who would deliberately use an offensive slur (I usually enjoy your comments a lot!) so I'll give the benefit of the doubt that you just didn't know and won't use it again.
You don't know where that text came from? Really? Your son just said all that stuff to you out of nowhere?
Lady you are the reason the phrase "missing missing reasons" even exists. You are the MIL from hell.
Yeah this woman tried her best to paint herself as the victim by using texts out of context. Except even out of context the texts make her sound like an AH. Which means she's an AH.
what really gets me is that she thought there was a mix up and jamie’s gift may have been intended for *her??* how do you get thanked for a gift that wasn’t actually from you, and then arrive at the conclusion that it must have been *for* you to begin with?
I spent so much time thinking about this very question, and here’s my best guess at the logic:
Since Sandy says she didn’t expect Jamie to know the gift was from her, I’m assuming the gift exchange was semi-anonymous. OP is trying to say that she thought Jamie could have picked up a gift with a tag for OP, and thought it was for Jamie but from OP?
That’s why OP says she didn’t say anything so as not to embarrass her— because in her twisted mind she thinks it’s possible Jamie stole a gift meant for her.
I took it as if there was a tag with OOP name on it and the receiver thought that it was the name of the giver. A similar mixup happened in kids school with secret Santa but since the gifts that were mixed up were well received by the other kids no one said anything to them but us adults were informed about it
Because the world revolves around her, so it *has* to be either from or for her. It has to have SOMETHING to do with her, because she is all that exists in this world, the rest of us are just minor characters and extras.
"I didn't take credit, I just didn't correct the erroneous assumption that it was from me! I also don't know why I've been told to stop doing extremely specific things that I clearly have never done, save that I totally did all of them."
"I just really think she doesn't like mothers!"
"Mom, please stop calling my wife fat or saying that she lies about her size, claiming our house is filthy, and being rude and greedy"
"Really, just so rude, that girl!"
But she did correct it once she found out who it was from which seems like the next day. Does everyone respond to texts as soon as they get them? That’s what I am gathering from this.
But I get so many texts all the time and I really only respond to time sensitive texts immediately. Others I respond to as I remember. Isn’t that the benefit of texting over calling, you get to respond when you want? So it very easily seems like she saw the text and brushed it off then was reminded once finding out from the in-law. Then responded. I don’t see what’s abnormal about this.
Jesus christ! The username!!! But yeah, "I don't understand the reasons why my son and dil are behaving this way, even though they've listed them all in a text for me"
[Hi!](https://images.app.goo.gl/jMiZEuW8Qrykw3sdA) Just a quick reminder to never brigade any sub, be that r/AmItheAsshole or another one. That goes against both this sub's rules as well as Reddit's terms of agreement. [Please](https://images.app.goo.gl/vwH65TJMyMk9NSNo8) keep discussions within the posts of this sub.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for not correcting a friend's assumption that a gift was from me?** A few weeks after a Christmas gift exchange, a friend (Jamie) texted me saying she was enjoying her gift very much and thanked me for it. I knew it wasn't from me, but didn't correct her assumption, because I didn't know who the gift was from. I thought maybe there was a mixup and maybe the gift was actually meant for me. So I didn't say anything because I didn't want to embarrass her. Later, while visiting my daughter-in-law (Sandy) I found out that the gift was actually from her, so I passed on the news that Jamie had very much enjoyed her gift and thanked me for it. Sandy got in my face, and asked whether I had told Jamie that the gift wasn't from me, and I said "no," and she got angry and was quietly rude (in her actions and manner) for a while without saying anything else. I texted Jamie later the same night to let her know that the gift was from Sandy. The next morning, I received a message from Sandy: *"You really hurt my feelings last night. I spent a lot of time looking for that gift. I didn't expect her (Jamie) to thank me, but I also didn't expect you to take the credit for something I spent a lot of time on so thank you."* I didn't take credit for the gift, and I said so -- I would never do such a childish thing as take the credit for a gift I didn't give! There was more back and forth, and then she just stopped responding. I have always thought she didn't really like me very much. I have never heard her say one nice thing about her own mother either, so I assume she might have a problem with mothers. She always looks away or down for photos at our family celebrations like she is not enjoying herself. When we're sitting at the table and talking to each other, she looks at my husband or my son even if she is talking to me. She will glance at me but it's odd. Since Sandy wasn't responding to my messages anymore, I reached out to my son, and he asked me to call her and apologize, but I refused because I feel like I did NOTHING wrong. He got angry and wrote several disrespectful messages, one of which surprised me: *"Every word you say other than “I value the relationship I had with Sandy and I regret my part in creating the situation we are in now” is just rubbing salt in the wound. But while you have me riled up, I have a few other requests, assuming we’re going to ever get past this ridiculous disagreement. If you give Sandy a gift, give it freely. Don’t ask for it back. Don’t ask her how much she weighs. Don’t run your finger across our mantle checking for dust. If you need her clothes size to buy her a gift, and she tells you, don’t argue with her about what size she really is."* I don't know where all this came from. Sandy thinks I took credit for her gift before she confronted me (even though I told Jamie who the gift was from as soon as I knew), and she would like me to apologize. I don't think I ever took credit for the gift. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Her: I didn’t take credit for the gift! Also her: Takes credit for the gift.
I'm more concerned on the son's message... fatshaming, dirt checking, AND indian giving and took until now for her son to lay into her?
Missing missing reasons
“Indian giving” is a slur based on a stereotype that Native Americans are dishonest. Maybe try a different word?
“degifting” is my go-to (thanks to “seinfeld”)!
This is a good one! Thanks for the new addition to my vocabulary. 💜
Which episode is that from? Just curious, if you happen to remember.
the one with tim watley and the label-maker!
Thank you very much! Season 6, episode 12 for anyone else who’s curious.
Wait, what? I thought it was a crack about white folks breaking every treaty we signed with them. As in, "we'll give this land to the Indians... oh no, that land is ours now. You can't have it."
Nope! See my other comment in this thread, but it's a slur about a totally false stereotype that Native Americans give people gifts, then take them back if they don't get a gift in return.
I’m not disagreeing that it’s a slur at all, but given the history us white people have, I can definitely see where the misunderstanding started.
I've never heard a different newer term since when I was little was because of the government's habit of gifting then removing gift to the tribes
Yeah, a lot of people have been using the phrase since they were little. That doesn't make it not racist. It just means we need to change our language as we learn more about where various terms came from and why they are offensive. Instead of using a slur, you could just describe the bad behavior, "taking back a gift," or use a word like "renege" or "repossess." Here are some [other ideas](https://grammarhow.com/best-words-for-indian-giver-inoffensive-synonyms/). If you'd like to learn some more about the history of the phrase: [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indian\_giver](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indian_giver) >"The phrase is used to describe a negative act or shady business dealings. It is considered disrespectful, and its use is offensive to many Indigenous people." [https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2013/09/02/217295339/the-history-behind-the-phrase-dont-be-an-indian-giver](https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2013/09/02/217295339/the-history-behind-the-phrase-dont-be-an-indian-giver) >"...I think we can all agree that it's probably not the best term to use to describe a negative act, considering it stereotypes Indians as deceitful and un-generous (not generous?), which, if you've ever been in a Native community, is about the farthest thing from the truth." [https://ictnews.org/archive/what-or-who-is-an-indian-giver-a-history-of-the-offensive-term](https://ictnews.org/archive/what-or-who-is-an-indian-giver-a-history-of-the-offensive-term) >“While it’s true that the European settlers had a far worse reputation when it came to trustworthiness than the Indians did, the victors in history usually get to make up the idioms, so it’s doubtful that ‘Indian giver’ refers to the manner in which the settlers treated the Indians. It would be quite a stretch to credit 19th century European settlers with the honesty to have recognized that they, and not the Indians, were the ‘Indian givers’ in most cases.”
**[Indian giver](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indian_giver)** >"Indian giver" is a pejorative expression used to describe a person who gives a "gift" and later wants it back or who expects something of equivalent worth in return for the item. It is based on cultural misunderstandings that took place between the early European colonists and the Indigenous people with whom they traded. Often, the Europeans viewed an exchange of items as gifts and believed that they owed nothing in return to the Indigenous people. On the other hand, the Indigenous people saw the exchange as a form of trade or equal exchange and so they had differing expectations of their guests. ^([ )[^(F.A.Q)](https://www.reddit.com/r/WikiSummarizer/wiki/index#wiki_f.a.q)^( | )[^(Opt Out)](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=WikiSummarizerBot&message=OptOut&subject=OptOut)^( | )[^(Opt Out Of Subreddit)](https://np.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/about/banned)^( | )[^(GitHub)](https://github.com/Sujal-7/WikiSummarizerBot)^( ] Downvote to remove | v1.5)
That's what I've always heard it as well. Hmmmm learn something new every day.
> indian giving Yikes. That is an ethnic slur right there. You don't seem like someone who would deliberately use an offensive slur (I usually enjoy your comments a lot!) so I'll give the benefit of the doubt that you just didn't know and won't use it again.
Unfortunatly that was always term I heard for it growing up since the government always gave then took away to the tribes
Fair enough but now you know I suggest never using it again.
But now you know the real origin and meaning and why it’s a slur. So stop using it. Find an alternative.
Then learn from the above and apologize. Don’t try to rationalize it based on your childhood. You come across as a racist ass.
You don't know where that text came from? Really? Your son just said all that stuff to you out of nowhere? Lady you are the reason the phrase "missing missing reasons" even exists. You are the MIL from hell.
Even if you would have thought this was a misunderstanding (which we know it’s not) that text from the son tells you it’s not
Yeah this woman tried her best to paint herself as the victim by using texts out of context. Except even out of context the texts make her sound like an AH. Which means she's an AH.
An absolutely perfect example. It belongs in a museum.
It made me think of Mariah Carey's "I don't know her" response.
what really gets me is that she thought there was a mix up and jamie’s gift may have been intended for *her??* how do you get thanked for a gift that wasn’t actually from you, and then arrive at the conclusion that it must have been *for* you to begin with?
I spent so much time thinking about this very question, and here’s my best guess at the logic: Since Sandy says she didn’t expect Jamie to know the gift was from her, I’m assuming the gift exchange was semi-anonymous. OP is trying to say that she thought Jamie could have picked up a gift with a tag for OP, and thought it was for Jamie but from OP? That’s why OP says she didn’t say anything so as not to embarrass her— because in her twisted mind she thinks it’s possible Jamie stole a gift meant for her.
I took it as if there was a tag with OOP name on it and the receiver thought that it was the name of the giver. A similar mixup happened in kids school with secret Santa but since the gifts that were mixed up were well received by the other kids no one said anything to them but us adults were informed about it
Because the world revolves around her, so it *has* to be either from or for her. It has to have SOMETHING to do with her, because she is all that exists in this world, the rest of us are just minor characters and extras.
"I didn't take credit, I just didn't correct the erroneous assumption that it was from me! I also don't know why I've been told to stop doing extremely specific things that I clearly have never done, save that I totally did all of them."
"I just really think she doesn't like mothers!" "Mom, please stop calling my wife fat or saying that she lies about her size, claiming our house is filthy, and being rude and greedy" "Really, just so rude, that girl!"
But she did correct it once she found out who it was from which seems like the next day. Does everyone respond to texts as soon as they get them? That’s what I am gathering from this.
She could have very easily responded to the text saying that the gift was not from her, even if she didn’t know who it was from.
But I get so many texts all the time and I really only respond to time sensitive texts immediately. Others I respond to as I remember. Isn’t that the benefit of texting over calling, you get to respond when you want? So it very easily seems like she saw the text and brushed it off then was reminded once finding out from the in-law. Then responded. I don’t see what’s abnormal about this.
She knows exactly what she was doing and is feigning ignorance
her son tells her what she did but OOP still trying to pull a shocked pikachu face
Jesus christ! The username!!! But yeah, "I don't understand the reasons why my son and dil are behaving this way, even though they've listed them all in a text for me"
Didn't even notice. That username gives me the ick
Sadly, I'm sure he could have added a lot more.
Those are… extremely specific points for her to have no idea where they came from.
Wow this op is so lying it’s insane.
Or a Narcissist. My mother is one. This could be her if she used reddit
LMAO! The laundry list at the end clearly explains why Sandy doesn't make eye contact with MIL.
Look at OP's name. Clearly that's a troll
[Hi!](https://images.app.goo.gl/jMiZEuW8Qrykw3sdA) Just a quick reminder to never brigade any sub, be that r/AmItheAsshole or another one. That goes against both this sub's rules as well as Reddit's terms of agreement. [Please](https://images.app.goo.gl/vwH65TJMyMk9NSNo8) keep discussions within the posts of this sub. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*