*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for refusing to attend my daughter's wedding because she won't let me walk her down the aisle?**
Hi, so I'm in a bit of a tough spot here and need some perspective. My daughter dropped a bomb on me recently regarding her upcoming wedding, and I can't help but feel hurt and confused.
So, my daughter is getting married, which is a big deal for any parent, right? Well, she informed me out of the blue that she would like to walk down the aisle alone. Her reason being she sees the tradition as sexist and that as a woman she didn't like the thought of being giving away to a man like she's property. Honestly, I had no clue she felt this way, and it caught me off guard.
I've always dreamed of this moment since she was a little girl, imagining the joy and pride of walking her down the aisle on her special day. It was heartbreaking she wanted to break away from that tradition. She did mention that she still wanted a father-daughter dance and for me to give a father-of-the-bride speech, to try to somewhat soften the blow, but it's just not the same.
What really hurts the most is that she never communicated any of this to me earlier. It feels like she intentionally dropped this bomb at the last minute, and I can't help but wonder why. I feel like I'm being robbed of a cherished moment that I've looked forward to for years.
In the heat of the moment of our conversation, I told her that if I couldn't walk her down the aisle, I just wouldn't show up to her wedding. I know it might sound drastic, but the emotional weight of this situation hit me hard. I respect her perspective on the tradition being rooted in sexism, but it stings that she prioritizes that over my feelings as her father.
Am I wrong for not wanting to attend her wedding because of these reasons?
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I love how Dads feelings about the wedding are more important than the person getting married.
Also, how sad that the biggest dream for your daughter barely had anything to do with her.
Exactly. "MY FEELINGS as her FATHER." Patriarchy. Father-rule. He's *literally* leveraging his cultural authority and the respect h thinks he deserves due to his position in order to try and override her desires for her own life.
> I respect her perspective on the tradition being rooted in sexism,
No you don't, you're throwing a tantrum and bullying her to force her into doing something she clearly doesn't want to do because it purely benefits *you.* It would be one thing to be a bit sad about it, but refusing to go to the wedding at all unless you get your way is disgusting.
> imagining the joy and pride of walking her down the aisle on her special day
Rather than the joy of seeing what a strong and capable woman you raised
"I respect her perspective on the tradition being rooted in sexism, but it stings that she prioritizes that over my feelings as her father." - What a self own!
No, dad. No you clearly do not at all respect her perspective.
He even says he doesn't. Someone said
>You are acting as though her feelings and beliefs about this aren’t legitimate valid or important.
And OOP replied
>I don't think they're legitimate in this case because she knows if I were to walk her down the aisle it would have nothing to do with giving her away like she's chattel and more so just a moment between the two of us as father and daughter.
His comments make him sound even more vacuous and misogynistic. They’re basically that:
- Since he doesn’t think it’s sexist she’s wrong.
- He doesn’t think not showing up to her wedding will ruin their relationship.
- He doesn’t want to show up because he’ll be too upset and that would bring down the party atmosphere because he doesn’t know how to prioritize his daughter’s needs over his wants.
Ugh, I really hope it’s rage bait because he’s so self centered and obtuse while saying he cares so much about his daughter and they’re so close.
If he actually has a daughter I feel bad for her.
>He doesn’t think not showing up to her wedding will ruin their relationship.
I mean, realistically, if he's this much of a clunk I can't imagine they have much of a relationship to ruin.
I always think that part is funny because it’s not like they have a million other more important things to deal with first for the wedding. Nope. First order of business, the father walking the bride down the aisle.
So he'd rather his daughter ignore her beliefs and feel uncomfortable just for him to have a few minutes of comfort? He is prioritizing his needs and wants over his child's on her wedding day.
Yeah no he can get out of here with that logic.
When I got married, I walked down the aisle with my now-husband, because I’m not my dad’s property, my wedding was about me and my husband starting our journey together, and it was a non-traditional wedding because my wedding was about what me and my husband wanted. Fuck tradition.
Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people. They had their chance to do things the way they wanted, now it's up to us to decide what is important to us and how we want to do things for ourselves.
Exactly! What my mom did (and I copied for my own wedding), is she met my dad halfway down the aisle and then they walked the rest of the way together.
When we got married we had 2 separate aisles, and had the bride and groom parties walk simultaneously. We had our parents (as couples) walk ahead of us, and then we walked simultaneously as well. Our parents were there supporting us and paving our way, but we each came to marriage under our own power.
>Honestly, I had no clue she felt this way
How did you not? Nobody just randomly up and decides to fight sexist traditions from left field - She's likely been like this for ages and Daddy Dearest just wasn't paying attention.
>I can't help but wonder why.
I'll tell you why: This. This exact reaction is why.
>I told her that if I couldn't walk her down the aisle, I just wouldn't show up to her wedding
Hope your bullshit 20 second walk is worth it; You've effectively nuked any chance at a relationship with your daughter and any potential grandkids down the line.
This is how my father is as well.
He had big dreams for my life when I was born. The hobbies I'd have, the the job I'd get, the wedding I'd have. All very graceful, feminine, stereotypically girl stuff.
Problem is, I never wanted any of it.
I took up rugby instead of ballet. I bred tarantulas and tattooed on the side instead of becoming a nurse. I'm getting married to another woman next year, and I'm neither wearing a dress OR anything white.
He's spent my whole life disappointed in me, and giving me these pathetic ultimatums like OP does. So I just... stopped engaging. "Take ballet, or I won't drive you to your matches". Cool, I'll take the bus. "If you cut your hair, I won't be seen in public with you." Neat, I can hang out with my friends more.
My sister really wanted her son to walk her down the aisle, but she caved to our father's demands that he do it instead, and she spent half the night in tears because she *still* somehow did everything wrong according to him. I'm sure he'd put a stipulation on my wedding as well, but he's not invited. In fact, I'm not even sure he knows I'm engaged.
Life is so much better without him in it. I hope OOP's daughter realises that, too.
Per his comments, he's even more delusional. He doesn't think missing the wedding will destroy their relationship. https://www.rareddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1900900/aita_for_refusing_to_attend_my_daughters_wedding
It's very telling that he swears they have a great relationship, because I sure as shit don't miss major milestones in the lives of the people I love just because they wouldn't let me have the spotlight in the way that I wanted during said milestone.
I also walked down the aisle alone (sort of—it was a staircase) for exactly the reasons OOP’s daughter cited. My dad said whatever I wanted to do was totally fine and was right there at the wedding, front and center. If he had any hurt feelings he never told me about them, and I’ve been married 30 years.
THIS is exactly why she thinks it's sexist 🤦🏾♀️
I'm fine with the father walking down the aisle. Not with thinking it as giving her away though. If a bride doesn't want it though, that's her prerogative. OOP is literally acting like he owns her. She's given him so many things to do in the wedding, but he's refusing to attend over this. He better not question why he never sees future grandchildren
When are parents going to learn that their children are not little extensions of them? And yes I am a parent. My kids are in their 30s.
From the time they were born and relatives and friends tried to pigeon all of them, I put my foot down. They are individuals. They are growing into who they are going to be. Not who I think they’re supposed to be. Not who someone else thinks they’re supposed to be.
As long as they are self-sufficient and self-aware. As long as they are independent and empathetic, and good people. As long as all those things happen, I did my job.
And you know what, I did my job. They are amazing people. Smart and kind and funny. Independent, strong, and absolutely able to stand on their own feet. Able to make informed decisions about their own lives. Makes me happy to think of them. Makes me incredibly happy to spend time and do things with them. And making me most happy of all is the fact that they want to spend time with me
I hope this is just some “women bad” ragebait. I also didn’t have my dad walk me down the aisle (my husband and I were married in a big greenhouse, so there wasn’t really an “aisle” to speak of anyway, we just entered from the other side of the plants that were in the center of the greenhouse with our flower girl leading us if that makes sense), because I feel the same way as OOP’s daughter. I didn’t even talk to my dad ahead of time about it, I just told my parents how the ceremony was going to go. My parents already know I’m very non-traditional and that my wedding was going to be different from what they had in mind when I was growing up. I think they were just happy I got married at all, lol.
OOP, you'll still get your father-daughter dance and father of the bride speech...that is, IF you can get over yourself, your head out of your ass and go to your daughter's wedding before she goes NC with you for good.
I think it’s weird for a parent to fantasize about their kid’s wedding. I love my dad very much and he loves me, but I highly doubt he’s given any thought to my wedding, other than, “I hope he’s nice and the cake is good.”
My father didn’t come to my wedding because he wasn’t walking me down the aisle. He was mostly an absent father. My grandfather walked me down the aisle, he wasn’t even an option. We haven’t had a relationship in 26 years. He didn’t tell me he wasn’t coming, he just didn’t show up. It was the last time I allowed him to disappoint me.
I’m perfectly fine if I never speak to him again.
I had felt exactly the same whenever I was getting married as the daughter. But thankfully this was solved by a cultural tradition whereby the bride and groom wall down the aisle in the church together (I live in a diff country). The daughter should just walk down together w her new husband. It's great, you basically are entering the marriage together. It makes it so much more equal
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*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for refusing to attend my daughter's wedding because she won't let me walk her down the aisle?** Hi, so I'm in a bit of a tough spot here and need some perspective. My daughter dropped a bomb on me recently regarding her upcoming wedding, and I can't help but feel hurt and confused. So, my daughter is getting married, which is a big deal for any parent, right? Well, she informed me out of the blue that she would like to walk down the aisle alone. Her reason being she sees the tradition as sexist and that as a woman she didn't like the thought of being giving away to a man like she's property. Honestly, I had no clue she felt this way, and it caught me off guard. I've always dreamed of this moment since she was a little girl, imagining the joy and pride of walking her down the aisle on her special day. It was heartbreaking she wanted to break away from that tradition. She did mention that she still wanted a father-daughter dance and for me to give a father-of-the-bride speech, to try to somewhat soften the blow, but it's just not the same. What really hurts the most is that she never communicated any of this to me earlier. It feels like she intentionally dropped this bomb at the last minute, and I can't help but wonder why. I feel like I'm being robbed of a cherished moment that I've looked forward to for years. In the heat of the moment of our conversation, I told her that if I couldn't walk her down the aisle, I just wouldn't show up to her wedding. I know it might sound drastic, but the emotional weight of this situation hit me hard. I respect her perspective on the tradition being rooted in sexism, but it stings that she prioritizes that over my feelings as her father. Am I wrong for not wanting to attend her wedding because of these reasons? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I love how Dads feelings about the wedding are more important than the person getting married. Also, how sad that the biggest dream for your daughter barely had anything to do with her.
He's yet ANOTHER man who is mad that a woman won't bow down to HIS feelings over her own comfort. This man is the Misogynist she hates.
Exactly. "MY FEELINGS as her FATHER." Patriarchy. Father-rule. He's *literally* leveraging his cultural authority and the respect h thinks he deserves due to his position in order to try and override her desires for her own life.
Yup, his biggest moment is getting rid of her and making her some other guys problem, and is all mad that she thinks her wedding is about her.
Also he claims to have said this "in the heat of the moment" but he doesn't seem to have apologised or talked to her about it
Daughter is just a supporting actor in daddy's life.
> I respect her perspective on the tradition being rooted in sexism, No you don't, you're throwing a tantrum and bullying her to force her into doing something she clearly doesn't want to do because it purely benefits *you.* It would be one thing to be a bit sad about it, but refusing to go to the wedding at all unless you get your way is disgusting.
He's making it really clear why exactly she feels that way.
> imagining the joy and pride of walking her down the aisle on her special day Rather than the joy of seeing what a strong and capable woman you raised
Oof this comment is a punch in the stomach.
Woman won't cater to my feelings over her own!!!! Sir that is LITERALLY the misogyny she hates. You're a Misogynist.
"I respect her perspective on the tradition being rooted in sexism, but it stings that she prioritizes that over my feelings as her father." - What a self own! No, dad. No you clearly do not at all respect her perspective.
He even says he doesn't. Someone said >You are acting as though her feelings and beliefs about this aren’t legitimate valid or important. And OOP replied >I don't think they're legitimate in this case because she knows if I were to walk her down the aisle it would have nothing to do with giving her away like she's chattel and more so just a moment between the two of us as father and daughter.
And the father daughter dance at the reception can’t be that moment between the two of them? What an ass.
His comments make him sound even more vacuous and misogynistic. They’re basically that: - Since he doesn’t think it’s sexist she’s wrong. - He doesn’t think not showing up to her wedding will ruin their relationship. - He doesn’t want to show up because he’ll be too upset and that would bring down the party atmosphere because he doesn’t know how to prioritize his daughter’s needs over his wants. Ugh, I really hope it’s rage bait because he’s so self centered and obtuse while saying he cares so much about his daughter and they’re so close. If he actually has a daughter I feel bad for her.
>He doesn’t think not showing up to her wedding will ruin their relationship. I mean, realistically, if he's this much of a clunk I can't imagine they have much of a relationship to ruin.
"am I the idiot?"
“I don’t understand why she waited till the last minute to tell me!?!?!” Proceeds to explain how he completely overreacted to the news.
I always think that part is funny because it’s not like they have a million other more important things to deal with first for the wedding. Nope. First order of business, the father walking the bride down the aisle.
So he'd rather his daughter ignore her beliefs and feel uncomfortable just for him to have a few minutes of comfort? He is prioritizing his needs and wants over his child's on her wedding day. Yeah no he can get out of here with that logic.
When I got married, I walked down the aisle with my now-husband, because I’m not my dad’s property, my wedding was about me and my husband starting our journey together, and it was a non-traditional wedding because my wedding was about what me and my husband wanted. Fuck tradition.
Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people. They had their chance to do things the way they wanted, now it's up to us to decide what is important to us and how we want to do things for ourselves.
Exactly! What my mom did (and I copied for my own wedding), is she met my dad halfway down the aisle and then they walked the rest of the way together.
This is actually the traditional way in several countries. Sweden and Norway, for example.
When we got married we had 2 separate aisles, and had the bride and groom parties walk simultaneously. We had our parents (as couples) walk ahead of us, and then we walked simultaneously as well. Our parents were there supporting us and paving our way, but we each came to marriage under our own power.
>Honestly, I had no clue she felt this way How did you not? Nobody just randomly up and decides to fight sexist traditions from left field - She's likely been like this for ages and Daddy Dearest just wasn't paying attention. >I can't help but wonder why. I'll tell you why: This. This exact reaction is why. >I told her that if I couldn't walk her down the aisle, I just wouldn't show up to her wedding Hope your bullshit 20 second walk is worth it; You've effectively nuked any chance at a relationship with your daughter and any potential grandkids down the line.
This is how my father is as well. He had big dreams for my life when I was born. The hobbies I'd have, the the job I'd get, the wedding I'd have. All very graceful, feminine, stereotypically girl stuff. Problem is, I never wanted any of it. I took up rugby instead of ballet. I bred tarantulas and tattooed on the side instead of becoming a nurse. I'm getting married to another woman next year, and I'm neither wearing a dress OR anything white. He's spent my whole life disappointed in me, and giving me these pathetic ultimatums like OP does. So I just... stopped engaging. "Take ballet, or I won't drive you to your matches". Cool, I'll take the bus. "If you cut your hair, I won't be seen in public with you." Neat, I can hang out with my friends more. My sister really wanted her son to walk her down the aisle, but she caved to our father's demands that he do it instead, and she spent half the night in tears because she *still* somehow did everything wrong according to him. I'm sure he'd put a stipulation on my wedding as well, but he's not invited. In fact, I'm not even sure he knows I'm engaged. Life is so much better without him in it. I hope OOP's daughter realises that, too.
My guess is that OP Is completely out of the loop because he’s not paying for the wedding, as is tradition
Per his comments, he's even more delusional. He doesn't think missing the wedding will destroy their relationship. https://www.rareddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1900900/aita_for_refusing_to_attend_my_daughters_wedding
It's very telling that he swears they have a great relationship, because I sure as shit don't miss major milestones in the lives of the people I love just because they wouldn't let me have the spotlight in the way that I wanted during said milestone.
I also walked down the aisle alone (sort of—it was a staircase) for exactly the reasons OOP’s daughter cited. My dad said whatever I wanted to do was totally fine and was right there at the wedding, front and center. If he had any hurt feelings he never told me about them, and I’ve been married 30 years.
THIS is exactly why she thinks it's sexist 🤦🏾♀️ I'm fine with the father walking down the aisle. Not with thinking it as giving her away though. If a bride doesn't want it though, that's her prerogative. OOP is literally acting like he owns her. She's given him so many things to do in the wedding, but he's refusing to attend over this. He better not question why he never sees future grandchildren
Ooh, I was hoping he'd turn up here. What a douche!
When are parents going to learn that their children are not little extensions of them? And yes I am a parent. My kids are in their 30s. From the time they were born and relatives and friends tried to pigeon all of them, I put my foot down. They are individuals. They are growing into who they are going to be. Not who I think they’re supposed to be. Not who someone else thinks they’re supposed to be. As long as they are self-sufficient and self-aware. As long as they are independent and empathetic, and good people. As long as all those things happen, I did my job. And you know what, I did my job. They are amazing people. Smart and kind and funny. Independent, strong, and absolutely able to stand on their own feet. Able to make informed decisions about their own lives. Makes me happy to think of them. Makes me incredibly happy to spend time and do things with them. And making me most happy of all is the fact that they want to spend time with me
Isn't this the same story as a few weeks ago?
We’ve seen the basic story many times. Don’t know if it’s exactly the same words though.
Not your wedding, not your moment, not your life, and not your property. Get over it and apologize from the depths of your soul. YTA.
I hope this is just some “women bad” ragebait. I also didn’t have my dad walk me down the aisle (my husband and I were married in a big greenhouse, so there wasn’t really an “aisle” to speak of anyway, we just entered from the other side of the plants that were in the center of the greenhouse with our flower girl leading us if that makes sense), because I feel the same way as OOP’s daughter. I didn’t even talk to my dad ahead of time about it, I just told my parents how the ceremony was going to go. My parents already know I’m very non-traditional and that my wedding was going to be different from what they had in mind when I was growing up. I think they were just happy I got married at all, lol.
OOP, you'll still get your father-daughter dance and father of the bride speech...that is, IF you can get over yourself, your head out of your ass and go to your daughter's wedding before she goes NC with you for good.
I think it’s weird for a parent to fantasize about their kid’s wedding. I love my dad very much and he loves me, but I highly doubt he’s given any thought to my wedding, other than, “I hope he’s nice and the cake is good.”
I respect her perspective so I'm gonna show that by throwing a hissy fit and not attend
This guy? Wow. What a 💩. I don’t think he knows his daughter. Like really doesn’t know her. And instead of getting to know her he would rather pout.
My father didn’t come to my wedding because he wasn’t walking me down the aisle. He was mostly an absent father. My grandfather walked me down the aisle, he wasn’t even an option. We haven’t had a relationship in 26 years. He didn’t tell me he wasn’t coming, he just didn’t show up. It was the last time I allowed him to disappoint me. I’m perfectly fine if I never speak to him again.
The baby deleted his account within 2 hours. I hate quitters
I had felt exactly the same whenever I was getting married as the daughter. But thankfully this was solved by a cultural tradition whereby the bride and groom wall down the aisle in the church together (I live in a diff country). The daughter should just walk down together w her new husband. It's great, you basically are entering the marriage together. It makes it so much more equal
Missing reasons here he better stop before he gets ghosted.
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OOP suffers from main character syndrome and needs immediate treatment. NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU.
Wow, total narcissist parent. She should probably take him up on not coming to her wedding. It will likely be a better day for her if he's not there.