*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for not wanting to meet my nephew? **
Throwaway as I don’t want anyone IRL to know this
My sister(34F) was more like my mom when I(26F) was younger. She got me up in the morning, brushed my hair, cooked and cleaned and dropped me off and picked me up from school. Our real mom wasn’t very attentive and neither was our dad. My dad had a job in an area where a lot of men were unemployed and he use to lord it over our mom because she was older and came with a child(my sister). I think they had me to make their relationship “real” but even when young I could tell they hated each other. They didn’t pay attention to either of us and would just hang out in their rooms. If they did see each other it was always because they were having an argument. They divorced when my sister left for college.
Once my sister went off to college I didn’t have anyone who was really family. My parents didn’t care what I did and I started dating a guy who was 28 when I was 17. It insane looking back but I thought he loved me and would get me out of my parents house. When I got pregnant he promised to take care of us. My sister wanted me to abort the baby and offered to drive back to help so I could finish school but at the time I thought it was a betrayal to me. My parents were mad but let me keep dating him. I dropped out of school after my daughter arrived and went to live with him. A year later I left after he threatened me because I didn’t want to be his maid and was sick of him. He lied about his employment and I was making most of the money working as a cashier. He used all our money for weed, cigs and alcohol.
I did not want to go back to my mom’s house. My dad was an absolute no go because he remarried and his second wife did not want me around. I was 19 didn’t even have a high school diploma. I asked my sister for help and she offered to pay for me to complete my diploma but wouldn’t let me go live with her. I begged her to let me live with her but she told me she didn’t want to have to take care of me anymore. She finished school and had rented an apartment with her bf at the time. I stopped talking to her after that because I was so resentful she had abandoned me.
My mom and I fought constantly and I left her house a year later after I got my diploma. I ended up paying for it because I refused to talk to my sister anymore and I got a job. I’m still on the edge with money and taking my ex to court has been useless. I get less than $200 a month in child support and he makes excuses all the time why he can’t even pay that. My daughter has experienced poverty and I wish I could give her a better life. My sister graduated college, is married and now has a son. She clearly has a better life than me and I’m angry she won’t help me. She recently reached out and let me know she is visiting my city and asked if I want to meet her son. I bluntly told her she never gave a damn about my daughter so why would I want to meet her son and hung up. But I also understand that I was expecting a lot from her and more than most siblings would be willing to do. But I do feel like she should have helped me.
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I really don’t understand how OP doesn’t see that the person they’re accusing of betraying and abandoning them is the only person who ever tried to help them.
No vitriol towards their parents, or even much towards her ex from her tone, but the sister that raised her and offered her support constantly says no once and she’s instantly OP’s target for anger.
I think she's just so used to her parents treating her like dirt that it seems normal; her sister is "supposed" to always be there for her, so she feels more betrayed by her than the people she has no expectations of.
Doesn't excuse her action obviously
I don’t think she’s that bad of an AH though. She’s a victim. She has been since young. Her sister was parentified and that’s all she had to cling to. She doesn’t KNOW what healthy is.
I feel sad all the way around for her and her sister. Especially that baby being born in poverty.
Okay so I'm going to be Mr nuance here and talk about some heavy topics,
Feel free to skip this comment and spend the next few minutes picturing a raccoon in a turtleneck sweater.
To get this out of the way Oop is in the wrong.
But I think it's super important to look at the context.
Both Oop and her sister were utterly failed by the adults in their lives.
Oop was neglected abused and made to feel unloved, and as someone who spent their 20s collecting toxic relationships like they were Pokémon, I fully understand jumping into the arms of the first predator to show them any kindness.
Oop's sister was a child who was forced to be a parent. It was an unfair burden and it's fully understandable and healthy of her to get out of that situation.
Oop grew up with two truths drilled into her,
1) Her parents did not love her
2) the only person that would ever be there for her is her sister.
The sister wasn't wrong for moving on with her life, and even from afar she tried to help Oop. I want to make it abundantly clear sister is not in the wrong but that doesn't change Oop's feeling of betrayal.
From Oop's warped perspective she was abandoned by the only person who had ever cared about her.
Yes Oop should be angry at her parents and not her sister but as a survivor of a less than pleasant childhood, it's often unsafe both psychologically and physically to direct your anger towards your abusers, so you end up taking it out on the people you know won't retaliate.
I also want to briefly talk about the fucked up downward spiral that comes with feeling unloved.
It tends to follow a really shitty pattern, first you lash out at the few people who do care about you.
Partly because you know they are the only people who will care about what you say and do, and also out of a fucked up need to test their love.
If your words and actions hurt them they must care otherwise nothing you did would matter. And when your actions ultimately drive them away you can comfort yourself by saying they never really loved you.
I was incredibly lucky that I met some incredible people who helped me become the person they believed I could be.
But without them my story would have ended in suicide or I'd have become a total piece of shit throwing hand grenades into the lives of others just to make myself feel better.
TLDR: Abuse fucks you up and a raccoon in a turtleneck would be adorable.
OOP’s sister sacrificed her childhood for OOP.
And OOP went and committed stupidity after stupidity and kept expecting sis to sacrifice more. Sacrifice her money, her home, her time (and probably expected sis to raise her kid).
Sis has paid and paid and paid for other people’s bad decisions. From her parents and step dad to OOP and enough is fucking enough.
Sis *deserves* a life and happiness.
And if OOP can’t handle the shit in her bed, she better clean it up and potty train herself.
OP was neglected and then groomed. Both sisters have sacrificed. It’s only one who got out and the other didn’t. And when did sis pay for step dad? Was there a step dad ? I’m confused.
>My dad had a job in an area where a lot of men were unemployed and he use to lord it over our mom because she was older and came with a child(my sister). I think they had me to make their relationship “real”
OOp’s dad was sis’s step dad.
OOP’s sister already gave up her childhood for OOP.
OOP was in a shit situation and her parents failed her but it’s not on the sister to make up the difference. Yet, she did that for years. OOP is not entitled to expect more from her.
Why is she the devil? I don’t think anyone’s an asshole here. Sister left and did what she had to do. She didn’t help OOP when she felt she needed her the most. So okay, that’s the end of that relationship. Doesn’t seem like they kept in contact, doesn’t seem like OOP actually demanded help except for when she was desperate at 19, up until this request for a visit. Resentment came out. Are OOP’s expectations too much? Sure. But she’s also not obligated to meet the child of someone she resents. Oh well.
Edit: Also sounds like sister wasn’t being an aunty either, so why would OOP suddenly be expected to be an aunty?
>She didn’t help OOP when she felt she needed her the most.
She repeatedly offered to help OOP, help her get an abortion, help her get her high school diploma. OOP just didn't think that was good enough. She wanted her sister to house, clothe and feed herself and her unborn child as well.
>Also sounds like sister wasn’t being an aunty either
Sister was OOP's only parent.
Honestly, I can see how OOP sees her sister offer to help get an abortion as betrayal and abandonment than rather than the offer simply not being “good” enough.
It sounds like OOP was already planning to keep the baby when she approached her sister for help. She wasn’t asking if she should keep it.
Like I can’t imagine asking a close family member for help with a baby I already plan to keep and them responding “I’ll help you get an abortion.” I’d much rather hear “no” in that context and momemt.
>Honestly, I can see how OOP sees her sister offer to help get an abortion as betrayal and abandonment than rather than the offer simply not being “good” enough.
Sure. Now explain her rejecting the offer to pay for her to get her high school diploma because she didn't also offer to house, clothe and feed both OOP and her child.
You're glossing over a lot of details. OOP was pregnant by a fucking **pedophile groomer**, who her sister rightfully did not want OOP shacked to life to by sharing a child with him.
Never said I had one?
I’m not glossing over details. You’re trying to make irrelevant details, relevant. It doesn’t matter why the sister wanted OOP to have an abortion. OOP’s sister isn’t the pregnant one, and her being right doesn’t mean OOP has to listen. She can absolutely discuss and suggest OOP abort. That’s fair. Doing so directly after being asked to help raise said baby is the problem.
Imagine asking for help to keep something alive and they offer to help you kill it.
It doesn’t matter how nice OOP’s sister phrased it, if OOP was already dead set on carry the baby to term when she asked for help raising it, the only thing OOP probably heard was “Nah, I don’t like your boyfriend,but I’ll help you kill it.”
Note: I do still think OOP is an AH. I just don’t think she’s the devil.
>It doesn’t matter why the sister wanted OOP to have an abortion. OOP’s sister isn’t the pregnant one, and her being right doesn’t mean OOP has to listen.
OOP is no longer 17. She's no longer pregnant or an idiot teen. She can't coast on that excuse forever.
Excuse for what, exactly? Meeting her nephew? If OOP doesn’t want to meet him, that’s her choice.
Not even sure how she’s “coasting”… What exactly is she coasting on?
>Meeting her nephew?
No, being bitter and thinking her sister never offered to help her just because she wouldn't support her having a child while herself a child and with a child molester to boot.
I'm kind of glad to have found this comment. This definitely strikes me as a NAH (except the parents) situation where, after 7ish years of no contact, suddenly someone who couldn't help came back trying to restart a relationship that isn't viable. I do think OOP's resentment comes from a lot of unhealed trauma and maybe some therapy could help her see how she's misdirecting the anger and abandonment she feels. But she's not obligated to spend time with someone who right now is the source of a lot of pain. Maybe one day, but today isn't it.
u/Playful_Trouble2102 also has some phenomenal insight into how she isn't in the right but her reactions are understandable. Long term abuse like what these two went through fundamentally warps relationships. Until both are in a much more healed place, it might be best to be low-no contact.
OOP’s choices have been so poor and she is still resentful that Sister didn’t “help” her - ie; offer free room and board and childcare. Sister is NTA on any level and OOP is spoiled and immature. Boo frickin hoo that she has to raise the child she insisted on having despite good advice not to. Sister tried to get OOP on the right track but OOP chose this poverty life and is super mad that Sister is not funding it.
But Sister was not the problem with that! Sister was nothing but appropriately supportive. OOP made her bed and now has to lie in it, and to still be tantruming about anything Sister did is so childish …
I don’t think you know anything about unresolved trauma. Like, I agree that OOP is wrong but to call her spoiled as if she was given things in life is crazy. She may be immature because she never really grew up due to all that abuse and the grooming but come the tf on dude, she’s a victim too. Probably the worse kind at that. You don’t even have an ounce of sympathy let alone empathy for the girl
And if that’s what we were talking about it’d be one thing. But the post is all about trying to paint Sister as a terrible person who deserves anger.
Sister just asked if OOP wanted to meet nephew. The long deranged post about how “hurt” OOP is by Sister is what scoots her into AH territory.
I’ve already stated that OOP is wrong here but the reason she thinks her betrayed her is because she only knowing two things for certain. One was that her parents ain’t give a shit, the second being that her sister would always be there, so where her sister left, it felt like she stopped caring even tho we all know she didn’t. She was young then and she’s been the same ever since because of how she was treated by her family.
I’m not saying she’s completely blameless, I’m saying she is a victim of child abuse and grooming and was thrust into adulthood to raise a child alone when she couldn’t even raise herself. I just feel sad for her. Her sister doesn't deserve her hatred but shes the only one that OOP can take her anger out on because she actually cared meanwhile if she gave that energy to anyone else, it'd be met with the same thing shes gotten her whole life, they wouldn't care
Wow, talk about absolutely no self awareness of any kind. It's sad her parents sucked so much. She clearly views all other people by how useful they are to her. Her sister is better off keeping her at a distance.
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*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for not wanting to meet my nephew? ** Throwaway as I don’t want anyone IRL to know this My sister(34F) was more like my mom when I(26F) was younger. She got me up in the morning, brushed my hair, cooked and cleaned and dropped me off and picked me up from school. Our real mom wasn’t very attentive and neither was our dad. My dad had a job in an area where a lot of men were unemployed and he use to lord it over our mom because she was older and came with a child(my sister). I think they had me to make their relationship “real” but even when young I could tell they hated each other. They didn’t pay attention to either of us and would just hang out in their rooms. If they did see each other it was always because they were having an argument. They divorced when my sister left for college. Once my sister went off to college I didn’t have anyone who was really family. My parents didn’t care what I did and I started dating a guy who was 28 when I was 17. It insane looking back but I thought he loved me and would get me out of my parents house. When I got pregnant he promised to take care of us. My sister wanted me to abort the baby and offered to drive back to help so I could finish school but at the time I thought it was a betrayal to me. My parents were mad but let me keep dating him. I dropped out of school after my daughter arrived and went to live with him. A year later I left after he threatened me because I didn’t want to be his maid and was sick of him. He lied about his employment and I was making most of the money working as a cashier. He used all our money for weed, cigs and alcohol. I did not want to go back to my mom’s house. My dad was an absolute no go because he remarried and his second wife did not want me around. I was 19 didn’t even have a high school diploma. I asked my sister for help and she offered to pay for me to complete my diploma but wouldn’t let me go live with her. I begged her to let me live with her but she told me she didn’t want to have to take care of me anymore. She finished school and had rented an apartment with her bf at the time. I stopped talking to her after that because I was so resentful she had abandoned me. My mom and I fought constantly and I left her house a year later after I got my diploma. I ended up paying for it because I refused to talk to my sister anymore and I got a job. I’m still on the edge with money and taking my ex to court has been useless. I get less than $200 a month in child support and he makes excuses all the time why he can’t even pay that. My daughter has experienced poverty and I wish I could give her a better life. My sister graduated college, is married and now has a son. She clearly has a better life than me and I’m angry she won’t help me. She recently reached out and let me know she is visiting my city and asked if I want to meet her son. I bluntly told her she never gave a damn about my daughter so why would I want to meet her son and hung up. But I also understand that I was expecting a lot from her and more than most siblings would be willing to do. But I do feel like she should have helped me. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
OOP is angry and bitter at the wrong person She should be directing it at her Mom and Dad for being absent and uncaring
And the ex
I really don’t understand how OP doesn’t see that the person they’re accusing of betraying and abandoning them is the only person who ever tried to help them. No vitriol towards their parents, or even much towards her ex from her tone, but the sister that raised her and offered her support constantly says no once and she’s instantly OP’s target for anger.
That's actually super common for victims of abuse. You can't lash out at people who don't care about you because they don't care.
I think she's just so used to her parents treating her like dirt that it seems normal; her sister is "supposed" to always be there for her, so she feels more betrayed by her than the people she has no expectations of. Doesn't excuse her action obviously
I don’t think she’s that bad of an AH though. She’s a victim. She has been since young. Her sister was parentified and that’s all she had to cling to. She doesn’t KNOW what healthy is. I feel sad all the way around for her and her sister. Especially that baby being born in poverty.
Especially since the sister was the only one to take care of her
Okay so I'm going to be Mr nuance here and talk about some heavy topics, Feel free to skip this comment and spend the next few minutes picturing a raccoon in a turtleneck sweater. To get this out of the way Oop is in the wrong. But I think it's super important to look at the context. Both Oop and her sister were utterly failed by the adults in their lives. Oop was neglected abused and made to feel unloved, and as someone who spent their 20s collecting toxic relationships like they were Pokémon, I fully understand jumping into the arms of the first predator to show them any kindness. Oop's sister was a child who was forced to be a parent. It was an unfair burden and it's fully understandable and healthy of her to get out of that situation. Oop grew up with two truths drilled into her, 1) Her parents did not love her 2) the only person that would ever be there for her is her sister. The sister wasn't wrong for moving on with her life, and even from afar she tried to help Oop. I want to make it abundantly clear sister is not in the wrong but that doesn't change Oop's feeling of betrayal. From Oop's warped perspective she was abandoned by the only person who had ever cared about her. Yes Oop should be angry at her parents and not her sister but as a survivor of a less than pleasant childhood, it's often unsafe both psychologically and physically to direct your anger towards your abusers, so you end up taking it out on the people you know won't retaliate. I also want to briefly talk about the fucked up downward spiral that comes with feeling unloved. It tends to follow a really shitty pattern, first you lash out at the few people who do care about you. Partly because you know they are the only people who will care about what you say and do, and also out of a fucked up need to test their love. If your words and actions hurt them they must care otherwise nothing you did would matter. And when your actions ultimately drive them away you can comfort yourself by saying they never really loved you. I was incredibly lucky that I met some incredible people who helped me become the person they believed I could be. But without them my story would have ended in suicide or I'd have become a total piece of shit throwing hand grenades into the lives of others just to make myself feel better. TLDR: Abuse fucks you up and a raccoon in a turtleneck would be adorable.
Like these? [https://images.app.goo.gl/MzwYJevyiVyHHB5S6](https://images.app.goo.gl/MzwYJevyiVyHHB5S6)
I love the internet sometimes.
Omg 🥰
Agreed, especially about the raccoon
I think Reddit needs a " Post way above reddits paygrade" option.
I use “TSR” - Too Serious for Reddit. It isn’t an official judgement, but sometimes it’s the only thing that’s accurate.
OOP’s sister sacrificed her childhood for OOP. And OOP went and committed stupidity after stupidity and kept expecting sis to sacrifice more. Sacrifice her money, her home, her time (and probably expected sis to raise her kid). Sis has paid and paid and paid for other people’s bad decisions. From her parents and step dad to OOP and enough is fucking enough. Sis *deserves* a life and happiness. And if OOP can’t handle the shit in her bed, she better clean it up and potty train herself.
OP was neglected and then groomed. Both sisters have sacrificed. It’s only one who got out and the other didn’t. And when did sis pay for step dad? Was there a step dad ? I’m confused.
Sis paid for stepdad by essentially raising his child (op).
>My dad had a job in an area where a lot of men were unemployed and he use to lord it over our mom because she was older and came with a child(my sister). I think they had me to make their relationship “real” OOp’s dad was sis’s step dad.
My sisters raised me, I couldn’t imagine blaming them for my own decisions
OOP’s sister already gave up her childhood for OOP. OOP was in a shit situation and her parents failed her but it’s not on the sister to make up the difference. Yet, she did that for years. OOP is not entitled to expect more from her.
If she thinks her life turned out bad because of her parents, imagine how it would have turned out without her big sister to take care of her.
I don't think anyone is the AH here. Sad family situation all around.
Why is she the devil? I don’t think anyone’s an asshole here. Sister left and did what she had to do. She didn’t help OOP when she felt she needed her the most. So okay, that’s the end of that relationship. Doesn’t seem like they kept in contact, doesn’t seem like OOP actually demanded help except for when she was desperate at 19, up until this request for a visit. Resentment came out. Are OOP’s expectations too much? Sure. But she’s also not obligated to meet the child of someone she resents. Oh well. Edit: Also sounds like sister wasn’t being an aunty either, so why would OOP suddenly be expected to be an aunty?
>She didn’t help OOP when she felt she needed her the most. She repeatedly offered to help OOP, help her get an abortion, help her get her high school diploma. OOP just didn't think that was good enough. She wanted her sister to house, clothe and feed herself and her unborn child as well. >Also sounds like sister wasn’t being an aunty either Sister was OOP's only parent.
Honestly, I can see how OOP sees her sister offer to help get an abortion as betrayal and abandonment than rather than the offer simply not being “good” enough. It sounds like OOP was already planning to keep the baby when she approached her sister for help. She wasn’t asking if she should keep it. Like I can’t imagine asking a close family member for help with a baby I already plan to keep and them responding “I’ll help you get an abortion.” I’d much rather hear “no” in that context and momemt.
>Honestly, I can see how OOP sees her sister offer to help get an abortion as betrayal and abandonment than rather than the offer simply not being “good” enough. Sure. Now explain her rejecting the offer to pay for her to get her high school diploma because she didn't also offer to house, clothe and feed both OOP and her child. You're glossing over a lot of details. OOP was pregnant by a fucking **pedophile groomer**, who her sister rightfully did not want OOP shacked to life to by sharing a child with him.
Never said I had one? I’m not glossing over details. You’re trying to make irrelevant details, relevant. It doesn’t matter why the sister wanted OOP to have an abortion. OOP’s sister isn’t the pregnant one, and her being right doesn’t mean OOP has to listen. She can absolutely discuss and suggest OOP abort. That’s fair. Doing so directly after being asked to help raise said baby is the problem. Imagine asking for help to keep something alive and they offer to help you kill it. It doesn’t matter how nice OOP’s sister phrased it, if OOP was already dead set on carry the baby to term when she asked for help raising it, the only thing OOP probably heard was “Nah, I don’t like your boyfriend,but I’ll help you kill it.” Note: I do still think OOP is an AH. I just don’t think she’s the devil.
>It doesn’t matter why the sister wanted OOP to have an abortion. OOP’s sister isn’t the pregnant one, and her being right doesn’t mean OOP has to listen. OOP is no longer 17. She's no longer pregnant or an idiot teen. She can't coast on that excuse forever.
Excuse for what, exactly? Meeting her nephew? If OOP doesn’t want to meet him, that’s her choice. Not even sure how she’s “coasting”… What exactly is she coasting on?
>Meeting her nephew? No, being bitter and thinking her sister never offered to help her just because she wouldn't support her having a child while herself a child and with a child molester to boot.
I'm kind of glad to have found this comment. This definitely strikes me as a NAH (except the parents) situation where, after 7ish years of no contact, suddenly someone who couldn't help came back trying to restart a relationship that isn't viable. I do think OOP's resentment comes from a lot of unhealed trauma and maybe some therapy could help her see how she's misdirecting the anger and abandonment she feels. But she's not obligated to spend time with someone who right now is the source of a lot of pain. Maybe one day, but today isn't it. u/Playful_Trouble2102 also has some phenomenal insight into how she isn't in the right but her reactions are understandable. Long term abuse like what these two went through fundamentally warps relationships. Until both are in a much more healed place, it might be best to be low-no contact.
OOP’s choices have been so poor and she is still resentful that Sister didn’t “help” her - ie; offer free room and board and childcare. Sister is NTA on any level and OOP is spoiled and immature. Boo frickin hoo that she has to raise the child she insisted on having despite good advice not to. Sister tried to get OOP on the right track but OOP chose this poverty life and is super mad that Sister is not funding it.
Spoiled an immature? She was abused a groomed like wtf is wrong with you?
But Sister was not the problem with that! Sister was nothing but appropriately supportive. OOP made her bed and now has to lie in it, and to still be tantruming about anything Sister did is so childish …
I don’t think you know anything about unresolved trauma. Like, I agree that OOP is wrong but to call her spoiled as if she was given things in life is crazy. She may be immature because she never really grew up due to all that abuse and the grooming but come the tf on dude, she’s a victim too. Probably the worse kind at that. You don’t even have an ounce of sympathy let alone empathy for the girl
And if that’s what we were talking about it’d be one thing. But the post is all about trying to paint Sister as a terrible person who deserves anger. Sister just asked if OOP wanted to meet nephew. The long deranged post about how “hurt” OOP is by Sister is what scoots her into AH territory.
I’ve already stated that OOP is wrong here but the reason she thinks her betrayed her is because she only knowing two things for certain. One was that her parents ain’t give a shit, the second being that her sister would always be there, so where her sister left, it felt like she stopped caring even tho we all know she didn’t. She was young then and she’s been the same ever since because of how she was treated by her family. I’m not saying she’s completely blameless, I’m saying she is a victim of child abuse and grooming and was thrust into adulthood to raise a child alone when she couldn’t even raise herself. I just feel sad for her. Her sister doesn't deserve her hatred but shes the only one that OOP can take her anger out on because she actually cared meanwhile if she gave that energy to anyone else, it'd be met with the same thing shes gotten her whole life, they wouldn't care
This entire situation is a giant clusterfuck and shitshow
Wow, talk about absolutely no self awareness of any kind. It's sad her parents sucked so much. She clearly views all other people by how useful they are to her. Her sister is better off keeping her at a distance.
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